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amarthine · 7 months

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𖦹 synopsis. dating headcanons w the main four — how they treat you in a relationship.

disclaimers. none

note. first post !

butters stotch.

butters is truly a real sweetheart, but he is obviously and unfortunately very gullible at times.

cartman being the one whom sets up the whole thing.

he still gets grounded alot, but not as much. Yet his parents find reasons to still do it anyways.

Sweet boyfriend, friend, and person to be around overall.

definitely asks the guys on advice on how to approach you.

they ripped on him for his blooming crush on you obviously.

shocked when they found out that Butters managed to be bold and actually succeeded in asking you out.

when you guys had your first kiss he got so flustered and blushy, muttering “oh gee”s and such.

hand holding turned into cuddling, and then turned into kissing, and then all three became regular to almost everyday things.

good relationship, for the most part.

eric cartman.

oh my!

an interesting person to date, though it is surely an experience.

he’ll tone down the taunting and insults, he truly does like you after all.

It was shocking when you two got together, shocking. Especially to Kyle.

i mean, he could be really sweet. but he’s still cartman.

he actually get jealous pretty easily, hes also just a very controlling person, someone who wants things to be done his way, or to have authority over someone. he manipulates situations almost daily just because he doesn’t like how something turned out.

absolutely kept his crush on you a secret, but his friends eventually found out.

he can be somewhat sweet in very, very rare moments, even if he acts he absolutely hates it, still does it.

after your first kiss he was stunned for a moment.

he was surprised at himself, but said his small and weak goodbyes and went home.

he enjoyed it though, even if it was just a quick peck.

kenny mccormick.

one of most perverted boys you’ve met so far.

this man is NASTY with the things he say under his parka.

he was smooth when he came up to you, but was somewhat nervous.

same as the last two, absolutely got roasted when they found out his crush on you.

surprisingly, you were the one to initiate the first kiss.

he can’t afford taking you on dates but hes a resourceful guy when he wants to be, and he could come with some good ideas.

he works at city wok, so he earns at least okay money often. Enough for most basic essentials.

can be very flirty and romantic at times, a caring boyfriend most of the time.

you take care of Karen often, even bring both of them food sometimes.

Hes a very physical man which is is relatively obvious, always holding you, your hand, anywhere really.

Just loves being around you in all honesty.

Has definitely visited you as Mysterion before, even before you two started dating just so he can try and shoot his shot.

kyle broflovski.

he is such a great boyfriend, hes just soo

took almost half a year to confess to you, his friends kept ripping on him, and he just caved in after the taunting got to him.

study dates are a regular thing, even then you two can get a little bit distracted.

first kiss was genuine and sweet, yet quick, and it felt like it was from the movies.

Stan never lets Kyle live it down for that one time he got caught gawking at you. ( he does it all the time )

he can get flustered a bit more easily than the others, but also wont be phased by much due to all things he experienced in his childhood.

Kyles tall, quite tall, yet no one questions because hes in basketball.

due to his height, he is really skilled at the sport, not only because of his height but also because of his great aim.

cartman has tried to ruin the relationship multiple times, and kyle shut that down real quick the first time it happened.

as we’ve seen, kyle has a tendency to lose his patience fast so that could lead to him sometimes snapping at you or anyone around him. though afterwards he apologizes tons.

“Im so sorry you didn’t deserve that im such an asshole—.”

amazing boyfriend though. :)

stan marsh.

interesting boyfriend.

he can often neglect you unintentionally due to his bad habits and unfortunate mental issues, especially after watching his parents as he grows up. he fears the same would happen to your relationship.

hes not the best at communicating his feelings with you, but if something serious is bothering him, he will tell you you.

he always just shows up at your house late in the night always because he “misses you.”

unlike the other 4, nobody except kyle found out about stans infatuation with you.

Until you two got together, that is.

first date was at starks pond, mainly sitting together as you talked and talked for hours.

threw up after your first kiss, but he pretty much thought it was worth it.

he once gave you a cool little sea globe thing, where it had dolphins and a lighthouse.

you two listen to music alot together, its a bit of an intimate thing for you guys. even during intimate moments there even just the quietest music.

he tries his hardest to not mess up with you, so expect a lot of gifts, affection, and or drunk paragraphs into the latest hours of the night.

#southpark #kenny mcormick headcanons #kenny mcormick x reader #kenny mccormick #stan marsh headcanons #stan marsh x reader #stan marsh #butters stotch headcanons #butters stotch x reader #butters stotch #eric cartman headcanons #eric cartman x reader #eric cartman #kyle broflovski headcanons #kyle broflovski x reader #kyle broflovski

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disabled-characters-showdown · 8 months

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Guess what: We’re back on our shit

Welcome to the Disabled Characters Showdown Part 2

General Information:

Who can be entered:

Anyone can be entered that is disabled. This includes physically disabled characters, neurodivergent characters, and characters with mental health things like anxiety or depression. This is pretty much limited to canon confirmed characters (We’ll get more into that in a bit). Everyone that was in the prior round here and pretty much everyone from @gay-disabled-characters-showdown are free game but not guaranteed in unless they are submitted.

Who can not be entered:

Real people

Harry Potter

OCs

The usual suspects (We will make a post that will be updated as we go with other banned media)

Toph Beifong from Avatar: The Last Airbender and Toothless and Hiccup from How To Train Your Dragon. This is due to them being the finalists in our first round.

Complete list here.

What counts as canon confirmed:

Best: stated in canon

Other options: word of god confirmed, or heavily coded, they just aren’t gonna have a specific label due to setting.

What doesn’t count as canon confirmed (especially for things like PTSD): they should have a lot of trauma, but there is literally no acknowledgement of anything that could be construed as such.

If you are not sure a character qualifies please send us an ask.

Some notes on timing:

We have to write image descriptions for all the characters, which means to get the showdown set up it takes us a kind of ridiculously long time. This means when the showdown gets started is likely to change. Additionally, please don’t have any crises until the showdown ends on August 26. Unless you send us a message we won’t be able to respond until then. Any asks that we get by that time will be responded to, and then we will disappear off the face of the earth until like the 1st or 2nd of September.

Submissions:

Characters can be submitted in the google form linked. If you are not comfortable using a google form you can also shoot us an ask. You can submit as many characters as you like, but please do not spam the same character. The amount of submissions will not help their chances of getting into the showdown. We are aiming to have this as large as possible. When will submissions close? Who knows, certainly not us.

Please do not assume your character has been submitted just because they are from a popular media, they probably haven’t been.

Disclaimers under the cut.

1.) Please tell us if we are using the wrong terminology or are doing something offensive, we are trying our best but are also only human.

2.) This showdown will be as big as we can get it probably, however, we reserve the right to not include characters at our discretion.

3.) We will block without warning, please be civil when interacting with the content.

4.) If you have an issue with one of the characters feel free to send us an ask and we’ll figure out what to do from there. That being said this isn’t really about who is the best representation.

#polls #disability #poll #fandom polls #disabled characters #disabled characters showdown

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pallastrology · 3 months

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striking a balance: when, why and how often to get readings

artwork by august malmström

disclaimer: i'm writing mostly from the perspective of astrological readings, some of this may apply to other forms of reading too. as always, read with an open mind, take what works and leave what doesn't. <3

firstly, nobody can tell you when a reading is right for you, myself included. you are ultimately in control of when and how often you have a reading done. so, to start with, what are some reasons you might want a reading? to gain clarity and perspective on a situation or relationship, to gain awareness and insight to yourself, to work out how good of an idea something is and feel more prepared, to validate your feelings on a situation or relationship... the list goes on, deciding to have a reading done is a very personal thing, and your reason for doing so will be personal too, and that's exactly how it should be!

having a reading done can be a really useful tool, for lots of reasons; while i can read my own charts perfectly well, sometimes having another person - especially someone who is at a 'professional distance' - to go through it with can lead to new insights and angles that i didn't pick up on, a different skill set to draw from and even just someone to talk it through with you and offer some support. it can leave you feeling stronger in yourself and your decisions, energised and ready to make a move towards your dreams, validated and supported and armed with more information and awareness, which are all very useful when you're thinking of making a big change...

but there does come a point when it just isn't helpful anymore to have a reading done, for whatever reason, and it can be hard to find where the line is. when might you need to take a break from having readings? if you're feeling reliant on readings or the reader to direct you in life, if you're asking for validation on toxic or abusive situations, if you keep asking the same question over and over without accepting the answer, or if you get the feeling that you're being taken advantage of by the reader, it might be time to look into other options. most importantly, if you are in an abusive or toxic situation, while validation and emotional support are useful, please make your safety the priority. you unfortunately cannot be read out of a shitty life situation, and this is something that will need real, concrete help. please invest your resources into getting out of the situation first.

i mentioned earlier it can be hard to strike a balance when it comes to getting readings, and because it's a deeply personal thing, there is no number anyone can pull out. instead, i would recommend working on your intuition and self-belief. learn to listen to your emotions and feelings, and analyse them. it can be hard to do this, especially if you struggle with mental health issues; i have my own struggles in this area and i'm still learning to trust my intuition. but it can be done, it just takes time, patience and compassion. being curious about your emotions and recording them somehow is a great place to start. over time, you'll see patterns start to emerge and become less wary of your feelings, which will in turn let you tune in to yourself more comfortably.

my own perspective on readings: i utilise astrology a lot as a tool in my life, because it's what i study and click with. i have also had three readings from a trusted clairvoyant over the years, and will probably be having one this year too. my guideline for myself is that i don't go into readings expecting to come out with a clear answer and strategy, unless i already have my mind made up and just want to finalise the plan; instead i aim to go in with an open mind and leave feeling ready to make my decision with a fresh outlook and some new points to consider.

best of luck to anybody considering a reading, and i hope this post was helpful :-) if you enjoyed this post, please consider checking out more of my work! thank you xo

#pallastrology #astrology #astro community #astrology blog #astrology post #birth chart reading #advice #divination #tarot reading

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babyjakes · 2 years

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〈 disclaimer: this blog posts content not suitable for individuals under the age of 18. minors are strictly prohibited from viewing, sharing, or interacting with this blog. for more information on this blog's commitment to protecting minors, read our full statement here. 〉

event | whumptember 2022

prompt | being protected

pairing | bf!ari levinson x reader

warnings | i wrote this while thinking about matilda by harry styles so automatically it's gonna be emo asf, reader has an emotionally abusive family (focus on father bc same <333), protective!!!!!ari, ari and reader’s dad face off a little, this is just me healing my inner child okay no big deal

word count | 898

i am just thinking about. this song. and like living it through dating ari basically.

maybe reader and ari have been dating for a while. and ari has come to understand the circumstances of her family life and how her childhood was. he is treating her different in every way from the abuse she endured and little by little she’s learning to love and trust with a safe partner that would never be so cruel and heartless to her.

she maintains a relationship with her family (her parents mainly) bc it’s the easiest way to keep the peace. ari supports her in this and knows it’s a complex decision to make. he would never want her to feel forced to cut them off by him, as he believes everything should be in her control and what she’s comfortable with. he knows trauma bonds can be complicated and that even though they’ve been horrible to her, reader does love them in the ways she’s learned to.

maybe there are minor conflicts or hiccups as time goes on but reader is mostly so distanced from them that she can just take space where she needs it and nothing ever becomes too much.

until a family gathering one evening when things end up finally going too far.

ari’s along with reader to visit her parents’ house, maybe her siblings are there as well and they’re all talking over dinner. the small talk is easy enough to navigate most of the time so it starts out civil and almost pleasant. but maybe reader’s father eventually starts going down a mean road, starting to pick on reader and criticize her, embarrassing her even.

ari’s face is stiffening as everyone but the two of them laugh. reader’s right next to him, her head hanging low in humiliation. he hates seeing how they treat her and how she sort of collapses into herself, not wanting to draw any more attention by calling out the harassment or defending herself. images flash in his head of pictures he’s seen of her when she was a little girl, so helpless against her abusers. it makes his blood boil to know she must be feeling so small still inside, so defenseless.

ari tries to shoot her father a look but maybe that only encourages him further and he says some really horrible, nasty things. aiming at her biggest insecurities, the places he knows will hurt most. as her father, he has the unfortunate privilege of knowing exactly how to break her down. and after one particularly despicable jab, ari’s had it.

his silverware rattles sharply against the table as it’s dropped. he rises to his feet and pushes his chair back out behind him with his legs. “that’s enough.”

reader is now looking up at her boyfriend with the biggest eyes, shocked and a little terrified; she’s never seen anyone stand up to her father before

the room is silent. no one knows what to do or say, not even reader’s loud-mouthed father himself

after a few moments the older man clears his throat and replies darkly, “excuse you, son?”

(but like let’s be real ari is bigger and stronger and just overall more beefy than him like if they were to fight… that would be really stupid on the old man’s part to accept such a challenge lol)

“i said, that’s enough. i won’t let you speak to her that way, not for another minute. how dare you? she drives halfway across the state twice a month to see you and keep the peace in the family, and this is what she gets? you don’t deserve her. and you won’t speak to her that way anymore; do you understand me?”

ari’s reaching down and taking her hand softly, his piercing gaze not leaving the man across the table for even a second. maybe the father curses and decides to stand up as well, starting off on some piss poor response, “you’re awfully bold, you son of a bitch. why i outta-” maybe he even makes the mistake of raising a hand at ari, and that’s when the devil really goes off in his eyes.

“i wouldn’t do that, if i were you,” he speaks so lowly, barely above a whisper but the room is dead silent so everyone can hear him. then he turns to reader, his voice much softer as he says, “c’mon, honey. we’re going home”

they walk out together, and no one dares to follow after them. when they reach the car at the end of the drive, ari pauses to hold reader’s hands in his own as he stands with just a few feet between them. it’s dark out but they can just make out the outlines of each other’s faces. reader’s eyes are full of tears. ari cups her cheeks and whispers through tears of his own, “i love you. i will never let them hurt you again.”

there’s a long way to go. i don’t believe that time would change your mind. in other words i know they won’t hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go.

you can let it go. you can throw a party full of everyone you know. you can start a family who will always show you love. you don’t have to be sorry, no.

my therapist will be hearing about this one 👍

#eun's writing #whumptember 2022 #ari levinson #ari levinson fanfiction #ari levinson x reader #ari levinson x y/n #ari levinson angst #ari levinson fluff #hurt/comfort #ari levinson one shot #ari levinson imagine #ari levinson headcanon #ari levinson blurb #ari levinson drabble #the red sea diving resort #chris evans #chris evans fanfiction

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nekoannie-chan · 5 months

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Misunderstood instructions

Title: Misunderstood instructions.

Ship: Steve Rogers & New!Avenger!Reader.

Word count: 421 words.

Square: I1 “Misunderstood.”

Rating: Teen.

Summary: Steve said the wrong directions, or maybe he didn’t.

Major Tags: Misunderstood, mission gone wrong.

Additional tags: This my entry to @cabottombingo Captain Bottom Bingo round 2. CABB2024.

Links: Wattpad, Ao3, Spanish version.

@saiyanprincessswanie

My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistakes, please let me know and I will correct them.

I don’t give any kind of permission that my fics to be posted on other platforms or languages (I translate myself my work) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don't steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other's people. The only exception is the ones I gifted 'cuz now belong to someone else. If you find any of my works on a different platform and are not one of my accounts, please let me know. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Marvel's characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.

Add yourself to my taglist here.

My other media where I publish: Ao3, Wattpad, ffnet, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter.

If you like it, please vote, comment, and give me feedback to improve my skills and reblog.

Tags: @sinceimetyou @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad @navybrat817 @angrythingstarlight @shield-agent78 @charmed-asylum @pandaxnienke @real-fbi @smokeandnailz @white-wolf1940 @tenaciousperfectionunknown @xoxonotme @bluemusickid @leyannrae @harrysthiccthighsss @marvelatthisonee @caplanbuckybarness @sapphire-rogerss @lizzieolseniskinda @notyourtypicalrose @hallecarey1 @nana1000night @talia-rumlow @writingshae @alexxavicry @azulatodoryuga @daemonslittlebitch @chaoticcollectivenightmare @endlesstwanted @chemtrails-club @marigoldreamer @whiskeytangofoxtrot5555 @here4thefanfics @theestorm @patzammit @kmc1989 @somegirlfromasgard

The city lights flickered as Steve and the team prepared for their most important mission to date. The tension in the operations room was palpable as the heroes reviewed plans and prepared for action.

That night, the team infiltrated a suspicious warehouse in the heart of the city. Steve was leading the operation, followed closely by you, the new agent who had joined less than a month ago. The mission was simple: infiltrate, disable the weapon, and capture the enemies. But things rarely went according to plan.

As you and Steve were walking into the warehouse, you and Steve found yourselves in the middle of a firefight. Gunshots echoed through the air, and lights flickered as you moved quickly for cover. Amid the confusion, a misunderstanding arose when you saw an armed individual who appeared to be aiming at Steve. Without hesitation, you made a quick decision and fired, neutralizing the attacker before he could reach Steve.

They then managed to get to the machine room and began to search for any information that would be useful to them, although you had understood otherwise, so you erased all the information from one of the USB sticks. As soon as Steve realized this, he became enraged, and they began to argue.

While they were arguing, the enemies took advantage of the confusion to activate the weapon, triggering a series of explosions that shook the warehouse.

The team rushed to evacuate the building. Steve approached you.

“Why did you do it?" Steve asked, extremely annoyed.

You looked at the floor and then tried to explain what had happened, but the words caught in your throat.

“I'm sorry. It was a mistake; I had understood that we had to get rid of all the information and evidence; that's what you explained, so I assumed."

Steve sighed. He always said it was a bad idea to accept more agents and personnel into the team, and maybe he had been right; they had just had a catastrophic result.

“Forget it. We can't afford mistakes like this," Steve said, his voice firm but with a hint of hatred in it.

Steve decided to conduct a thorough review of the mission to analyze what had happened and what they would do next, although it seemed like everything was going against him.

Maybe you should go back to your old organization; maybe you were wrong to have joined, although you still had another option, somehow, without anyone noticing, to take revenge for the humiliation they were putting you through.

#cabottombingo #cabottombingor2 #steve rogers & reader

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trulybetty · 9 months

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I should also start off with this is not aimed at anyone - because if I had a real issue on something I wouldn't be amiss at reaching out to them directly to have a conversation. Because disclaimer, I follow people who both write and don't write age gap tropes, so in saying that...

The whole dbf! thing is escalating again, and I may regret trying to voice some reason here, but what's the saying? In for a penny, in for a pound?

The trouble with this trope is that you have impassioned people on both sides, and it appears their voices are the loudest ones drowning out any kind of reasoned conversation.

There are also those too who need to learn the difference between having an opinion on something vs. open criticism. I can have the opinion that I don't like age-gap fanfics and that there's a lot more dbf! fics than same age etc. fics in the tags.

I can't stress enough, opinion vs. criticism are two different things:

The purpose of criticism is to direct a commentary on someone or something with the particular goal of change. A person who criticizes the behavior of another is specifically hoping to effect a modification. The purpose of opinion, on the other hand, is simply to offer a viewpoint that does not require a change.

Source.

I can have the opinion that I don't enjoy the trope, and I can have a discourse on why I think a certain character wouldn't partake, BUT that does not mean I'm shaming anyone for writing it (a reminder that's why AU's exist).

It's just me reaching out to others of the same opinion and who may be writing what I'm looking to read (or read what I've written) but getting lost among the tags.

Because everyone should have respect for people's preferences/kinks/whatever and I feel like some people need a reminder to not be a dick and everything (despite the reader insert popularity) is not written with you in mind.

Because between complaints about the crowds asking for less dbf! on their dash, I'm sadly seeing equally if not more posts about writers talking about people coming into their space and trashing their fics and stopping people from enjoying the fandom. If someone has appropriately tagged their fic and written their warnings and it's not a topic you want to read about? Then why are you reading it and leaving comments, or jumping into asks on annon? You had your warning - it costs nothing to scroll on.

The same goes equally for anyone voicing their opinion - doesn't pertain to you and your preferences and you have nothing constructive to add, scroll on - because opinion doesn't equate to criticism of what you enjoy remember?

I think everyone on whatever side you fall on can agree on the following:

Tumblr needs to work on its filtering tags/content situation

Everyone should be filtering topics they don't enjoy or find triggering

Everyone should be using tags appropriately on their posts for the above to work

And if someone has come after you for wherever you stand on the topic, I'm truly sorry you experienced that because it's not a true representation of the fandom on either side ❤️

No Pedro tax today, but I'm open to an adult conversation on this topic though if anyone wants to participate.

B x

#if there's room then there's room for it all #betty rambles #I hope I don't regret this #because the discourse today has really bothered me #especially after the posts I've made about enjoying what you do

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iciatheguardess · 4 months

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[HEAVY TW for: explicit descriptions of bl00d, g0re, a kn!fe, sewing w0unds with thread and other things of that nature]

[Disclaimer: the first aid you see in this post is WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG!!! Do not pull a knife out of your upper stomach like her. Get a professional to do it instead. Half the things Icia does here is very wrong and would likely get her killed or make the wound infected irl. Do not follow her example.]

Icia staggers into her house, heaving for air. Her blood pulses and stains her dress, as she clutches the area. Deep red pools over her hands like a sickening dye. Icia can already feel herself getting lightheaded just from looking at it, uneven splotches of ice crackling under each step.

There isn't anyone around who can help. Pyx is way too far to go to. Lance and Raina... God knows where they are- hopefully just not stabbed. Starro is busy in the circus for a large upcoming performance.

She has no one to look to but herself.

Icia heaves herself to the sink, pulling herself onto the counter. The pressure makes the blade shift, causing her to swallow a scream, but she still manages to yank her cape and now-destroyed dress off to make her body lighter, leaving only some now-stained underclothing.

Icia takes the faucet head and aims it at the wound, turning on the water. The cool liquid colliding with the wound is uncomfortable, yes, but not unbearable.

Icia leans against the wall, exhausted and dizzy as the water flushes the wound. She breaks, physically breaks her hair out of its bun before adjusting the sink water to be hot. She sprays her hair with it, melting it all into a jelly-like, gross, unshapen mess. It looks terrible, but is way more comfortable than the bun. Icia could care less how it looks though, as she cools the water down again and resumes flushing the wound (and her bloody hands).

After about 10 minutes she turns off the sink, sliding as slowly as she can to her foot. It's agonizing, but she sucks it up and makes her way to the couch, collapsing with a cry.

"Okay... god... ow..." she mumbles. "I have to get this knife out...."

That's a stupid idea. Icia knows it. But she also doesn't want this to cause more damage inside her... so praying Pyxel never finds out about this, she grabs the first aid kit and stuffs the surrounding area with gauze.

Guess she can't be too worried about what damage she'll do, given the strange anatomy of digital avatars. If this was real life, who knows how long ago Icia would have died...? She surrounds the knife with gauze, syncing her breathing with a simple tune stuck in her head.

Finally, she uses one hand to press against the gauze tightly around the knife, and the other to grasp the knives handle. She gets ready to scream.

"3... 2... 1."

Icia pulls the knife out about an inch. A yell of agony escapes her, followed by a very loud and censored but well-deserved curse. Her breathing is fast and shallow as she holds the knife steady. The gauze is already sopping up blood, and she readies herself again while squeezing tighter.

"Slower..." Icia whispers to herself. Silvery tears run down her cheeks. "Okay... okay, just a bit more... 2... 1...."

And she pulls again, though much slower and this time she doesn't stop. Icia resists the urge to buck around in pain, like an animal being operated on. She even grabs a stuffed animal and bites hard, moaning sobs of pain escaping her. The knife continues to slide out of her stomach... 1 inch, then 2, then 3, and so on.

Finally, the tip of the knife says farewell to the wound. Icia heaves in relief and nausea, immediately grabbing a handful of more gauze and holding it over her injury. It continues to bleed, even with enough pressure to feel torturous.

Icia cries out, sitting up. This wound... it feels way, way deeper than it looked- the knife was about 10 inches deep in her upper stomach. Gauze isn't gonna stop this alone... maybe going to Pyx really would have been the better choice, despite the traveling distance.

But Icia almost thinks of this wound and her improper care of it as something she has to do, alone. A trial, in a way. She leans forward, letting the wait fall back to her leg as she looks up at the stairs... she really, really, really, REALLY doesn't know if she can make it up them. She's already so dizzy it's nearly blinding.

The sewing kit is next to her closet, on her vanity. That's about... 25-ish steps there, 25 back. Each slow step is agonizing.... so Icia does something incredibly idiotic (Girl, you gotta stop) and makes a beeline for her stairs, fueled on adrenaline and searing pain.

Grabbing the kit takes about 15 seconds total, but each second feels distorted and loopy as she falls back onto the couch. Blood pools down her front due to disregard for keeping pressure on the wound and therefore left a bloody shuffle print that mixed with the obvious trail of ice up the stairs. Time is running out. (Mod, hurry this up.)

Icia wastes only a second to catch her breath before threading a needle and sliding the blood-filled mass of gauze off her stomach. It's not bleeding as heavily, but the fact more fluid oozes out with every breath terrifies Icia quite a bit more.

She sinks the needle into her skin and out the other way. Then she does it again.

Sewing skin feels awful and thick compared to clothes, though far less painful than anything she's done yet. Icia vows to never do this again unless she absolutely has to, as she watches her hands weave over and under the gaping wound. And when it pulls, she feels the thread tightening and nearly gets sick once again as it pulls the wound closed uncomfortably. It certainly doesn't look pretty either, which adds to Icia's queasiness.

With the last of the gauze, Icia holds more pressure to the wound. At this point she doesn't even know how much time has passed. Her hair is broken and melted. She's almost fully bare, making her shiver for the first time in what feels like her whole life. Tears stain her cheeks.

But finally, a tiny ray of hope.... at long last, the bleeding stops. And thank God, that was the very last of the gauze she applied. Icia sighs, using a triangular cloth bandage to wipe away the excess blood then a wrap to secure the dressings in place. She wraps around herself a number of times before snapping the wrap off from the roll and securing it... and heaves a heavy sigh.

Her dress is destroyed.

Her hair is a jelly, uncomfortable mess.

There's bloody trails and stains everywhere.

The pain isn't intense, but God is it awfully teasing.

She's so nauseous from the sights, sounds, feelings, and smells that doing anything other than raising an arm makes her gag.

She can't tell if that's saliva or blood dripping from where her mouth should be.

She feels so, so... cold. For the first time that she can remember, Icia feels genuinely cold. She's shivering violently, maybe from blood loss or maybe from leaving her only two insulating clothes by the sink. Icia carefully pulls a blanket towards her and puts it around her shoulders... better than nothing.

And just like that it's over. She's not bleeding. She's not in danger. She's sickly and ill and definitely needs to rest a while, but she's okay.

Icia closes her eyes, with quiet sobs escaping her. It's over.... she thinks. And over is perfect for her right now.

[Hope you liked this, I've been working VERY hard on it. I'm proud of this!]

[This will also delay Starro's intro bc she needs time to recover so... yeaaaaaaa thx elsie :)]

#taocc #elsie you better be satisfied with this #this is what you get #heheheh #tw g0re #frozenblade

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chemicalpink · 2 years

Text

Jungkook's Letter to ARMY | Tarot Reading

Disclaimer: This reading is based on my experience and knowledge of tarot, it is not meant to be the absolute truth, as BTS are real people, and tarot can only capture so much about multidimensional humans that have had past experiences and cultural approaches amongst other things, it does not have to resonate with you since this is in no way related to anyone reading it (unless you are a member of BTS in which case, get out of here lol ) This is just for entertainment purposes. Remember that tarot as a form of divination only allows us to read current energy and as time advances it becomes less accurate, so it basically reads up to a 6 months period of time.

Masterlist. | tarot masterlist. | astrology masterlist.

A/N: The oh so long awaited JK reading that I mentioned on this post is finally here! It has been quite rocky days and this reading has come together at such a weirdly timed setting (given the past dates and the announcement from earlier) so I hope everyone is doing okay, I’m sending you all much love! And I hope you enjoy this reading!

There are a lot of major arcana, which means that there’s most definitely a strict line to follow when it comes to the messages contained in this reading.

There’s also a mix of pentacles, wands and cups in equal amounts, meaning that there’s an involvement equal parts of feelings, his career and his inner self as a higher being. As they come in three, I would point out this matter is a pretty serious one that aims to acknowledge the things that have been surrounding him for some time now.

Interestingly enough, the ongoing palette for this reading is hues of blues and reds that melt into purples (very on brand) so we know for sure the message coming through is one of truth, clarity with touches of passionate about his place as a celebrity and how those elements mix up or envelop something that has been widely discussed before that is his spirituality/Jungkook being in touch with himself on some other realm of understanding.

I have said this before but I feel like I have to say it again, be mindful and respectful of what you are about to read. Jeon Jungkook can and is a lot of things, but he is also human just like any of us and it is sometimes hard to look past what we are presented with, grown heavily accustomed to seeing him through a screen. I am by no means saying this reading is something groundbreaking or that I am deeming myself some sort of ‘the chosen one’ to rely a message to you guys reading this. Far from it. Being a celebrity reader is hard. Being a BTS reader is even harder– for a lot of reasons we may sometimes discuss– I just sort of have built a fluid connection after reading for BTS for some time– even more so with Jungkook– and just like any other reading I deliver to you guys, this one just happened to pop up with a ‘urgent delivery’ sort of tag to it.

Expressing himself is a matter of fairness to him, the way that he feels like people around him (read: ARMY) have given him basically all he is able to achieve as things are now a days, there’s a sense of wanting to give back as much, under the terms of giving himself up for us to see, he is indeed aware of how huge is is in every sphere he exists in, yet he still kicks off the reading with a tag of ‘this is for you’ (again, he’s talking to ARMY) it’s a gratefulness note, one that reads “I ask of you to try and understand where I’m coming from” and I believe that is a perfect tagline to the things that he will lay out for us as the rest of the cards come up. (6 of Pentacles)

The main topic of the reading goes as follows: there’s an ongoing battle (figuratively of course) emotionally, there’s a lot of drainage from where this reading comes from, a sense of ‘being over with’ that very much obviously conflicts his need to vulnerate himself. There’s a fear of letting himself feel in a lot of ways. It’s like he’s trying so hard to make himself address matters that have been surrounding environments that we do not really take him for being part of, even though he wants to, but fears the backlash he has had to encounter the past few times he did address them. (9 of Wands) Somewhere in the midst of this card, the idea od rumours popped up in my mind, I was just a casual listener and by no means up to date to every bit they did during 2019-early 2020 so you could imagine my surprise when it felt too much like we were talking about a tattoo artist incident (to be completely honest, I barely remember that one) and the going out during quarantine. Now bare with me, I’ll give you some pointers for this bit. I think it is safe to assume that the ‘ongoing battle’ whether they are inner battles or actually dealing with stuff (eg. sasaeng activities that he’s no stranger to) are all in terms of him being a Korean celebrity. Now, I put an emphasis on ‘Korean’ because even with BTS being a whole global phenomena, all the members as people, have their roots in Korea, it’s only natural their biggest sphere of interaction is Korea– for a lot reasons (friends, family, childhood, culture, legal basis, and even first fandom’s interactions all come round back to Korea). So it makes sense, given the differences of being a western-based celebrity and an eastern-based celebrity, that his mind would hyperfocus on what it means to be one in terms of rumours.

Given the past context, feelings and subtext, it is to no one’s surprise that Jungkook would be on a consistent overly emotional/vulnerable state– and he has every right to! This man has been feeling like he wakes up only to be walking on egg shells for the past few years (honestly I feel like since a lot is being said in this reading, this feelings may have stopped, but let us see) This card seems to be in a context of retrospective, one where he was asked to take responsibility for his emotions himself, not just his actions in the way that he has always known how to in the industry he grew up in which has been to not give it a second thought, take the blame and turn the page, leaving him feeling the way he has been accumulating so far. (King of Cups rx)

Truthfully, this feels all too much like an essay format and we are getting to the last part of our introduction. We are able here to say that, in fact, most of these hopeless feelings are being left in the past for good, Jungkook has realised that now it is time for healing, be it the decisions they have made with group activities, him getting to work on his own or just feeling over and done with all the conflicting emotions that have most certainly become tiring after years of living inside them, now his energy is being focused on outgrowing them, funnily enough and very on brand for Jungkook, this cards gives off the energy of beginning to commit to his destiny, just allow himself to accept all part of his human self that make him Jeon Jungkook (Balsamic Moon)

Jungkook’s mum has apparently being a huge part of this new road he has found himself navigating, embracing the not-so-celebrity-like qualities that he grew up in, cause even so his and BTS’ general message has been in terms of letting go of misconceptions on mental health, emotions and whatnot, it is very much easier said than done. His journey these past few years has been one where he has been pushed to learn that ARMY will be right by his side so long as he learns to take care of himself. For so long he has placed ARMY’s wants (read: he has pushed the image that ARMY want him to have) over his own, and has been detrimental for him, throwing his energies to an unbalanced state that has pivoted a lot of other issues that have accumulated and now ate aching to be resolves, which is where he is right now. (The Empress rx)

Emotions are running high (Supermoon)

It appears like amongst everyone involved in Jungkook’s “scandals” there’s a particular man (between 20-35 years old) that has proven to not be a friend of JK’s even if he considered him one, as he was a huge part of his inner team yet he was only driven by his own greed of what such a job entailed (Knight of Pentacles rx)

Truth be told, as not so great things kept on happening and teams worked around him in terms for JK not to fall prisoner to what many other K-celebrities fall prey to, there was nothing more than he could wish for except to rest. It seems like his own vibe for himself was a reality check of I never knew what I was working myself towards, I don’t like where this is going (Teacup)

Lost emotional secuirty and friends, he has had to walk away from people andsituations that he deemed made him happier, stronger, in a futile attempt to give back what he was given. He thought that maybe losing himself was a type of love for his fans, to give back and respect what they had made of him. The price to pay for such success would be his own happiness and for a while he was okay with it. (5 of Pentacles rx)

After some time, Jungkook has seemed to be stuck in a sorrow-ish rampage, although he properly acknowledges and is grateful of the amazing things that have happened to him, in every aspect of his life, everything always seems to have a tint of heartache and sadness, I could almost tell that as these past few days have meant a major growth in his and BTS’ career, he has experienced a major disillusion in terms of what it exactly entails as something much more than just aspirations and dreams. (3 of Swords)

Somewhere down the reality hit of what it means to be a celebrity of the scale that he is now (read: I’m getting heavy vibes of tabloids,harrasment) he has most definitely been building peace within himself at a slow pace with the help of his members and surrounding himself with people that are able to place him on equal ground (2 of Cups)

As things advanced and activities for BTS started to pick up, he was able to start feeling more at peace, almost as if it was a new and bright beginning. Things had changed on the inside, he had just enough time to ponder a bit more on his place in the world as a celebrity, the “reality checks” of being such a huge scale celebrity had finally kicked in and he felt like he could make do with all that new information. It was almost a maturing sort of things (Ace of Cups)

Jungkook has soon come to realise what he is dealing with, although BTS has become a milestone and example in terms of the ever changing need of the musical industry, there’s no lie in the fact that they’re dealing with an ages old social institution that is tightly closed. On a personal level, he has come to realise that even if thing could change, he has to play the game by its rules. He doesn’t strip himself of all that he is, he deals with things as they come and has made peace with the fact that he has had to stay within the lines of the rules already set if he wants to prioritise his peace of mind. (This one is a bit all over the place but I’m getting that he has experienced say, the way western celebrities are treated in the west, and is very much aware of what he as an asian celebrity has to do while being held accountable inside the asian industry if he wants to keep being at peace and actively but subtly testing boundaries. EG: his choice for tattoos, but compromising that he has to keep them hidden for national broadcasts) (The Hierophant)

This card has appeared again, yet it comes with another message within it, one that tells us that within all that has been going on in Jungkook’s life, he is confirming that he has tuned into his inner intuition and spirituality – at least offcially now. It is no longer bratty and overly excited but paced and practiced, things in that department are certainly easier for him now and he is most definitely down the path he is meant to be in (The Empress)

Of course, even as times have been trying for our little Jungkookie, we can never come to forget that in terms of this readings, he is indeed a brat. And we live for it. He is willing to stand up for what he believes in. Yes, things have been hard, and it certainly hasn’t been a walk in the park, but with maturing and knowing how to play your cards, is how step by step you are able to become the change you want to witness. He is determined to not let those that are dying to keep him from his privacy, have it and he is willing to make everything in his hands to stray away from playing the game and losing.(7 of Wands)

It might have been true that it has been quite some time that Jungkook turned a bit too much inside himself, withdrawing himself from friends, reality, social media, all of the sorts, however, he knows that now that the storm has passed for the most part, he has worked on himself and the world around him seems to settle, it is time for him to come back into reality. Although this might not be referring exactly to having a clear posting schedule for him, it does mean that his self reflection and soul searching that is referenced in other cards that mention his not so newly found love for spirituality– is done not from a comfortable side of himself where he doesn’t expose himself, but from the world around him. Even if a littly afraid of whatever thing he might find if he is to look for the answers that he aches to have. (The Hermit rx)

This card is very much rooted to the main principle of the reading, it shows Jungkook being in the middle of a deeply conservative context, one where even as the rules for being an idol have been set for ages, he is navigating and finding his way through, not by evading it but neither by playing by the rules, but by cultivating a very particular way of connecting to the world around him. He is, of course, prioritising himself now, his inner peace and his inner world, and he is making a beautiful work out of every bit of his schedule as of now (Emily Dickinson)

Things do tend to get chaotic when it comes to Jeon Jungkook, as far as this card goes, and withing the general vibe of the reading, the thing that keeps on being overwhelming for him is consistent with the card, that shows female people sticking their noses all up on his business (read: it is very clear for me that we are talking sasaengs here) The thing with what I’m getting here is that this issue right here is so deeply rooted– even more than usual when it comes to other members– in which it seems recurring even after actions have been taken. It feels very frustrating and quite nerve-wracking. There’s a special call out to someone that has been quite troubling for JK that is especially spiteful and vengeful towards him for whatever reason– most probably someone who is a fire sign/has a lot of fire energy in their chart. (Queen of Wands rx)

Listen- this man is fighting back even if it were the last thing he does. It feels heavy and tiring, it seems to always have been about holding up, waiting for things to get better, play by the rules even a little and keep your eyes on the prize. Yet, it seems like for Jungkook, matters have to be taken care of quite separately. The exception to the rule, if you may. As rock hard as the road has been and probably will continue to be in taking matters into his own hands when it comes to scandals and other prospects of invasion to his privacy, rest assured that he will get out of it victorious. (5 of Swords)

The undertone of this whole reading– as a lot of Jungkook-related things are, is childhood. There is just a ton of energy surrounding the loss of innocence and whatever sense of normalcy to be had when it comes to him. His own life to him feels harrowing in a lot of ways– whether it is hat he is/needs to work on the matter in real scale, it has also become a thing to battle his ideals and resist them the same way he has had to encounter other problems in life. (Mary Shelley)

This is a message of asking for respect. Hate will paralyse your mind– yes, it came just like that. Jungkook is placing himself out there for everyone to see. Has been doing so for quite some time now, yet people refuse to listen. But it seems like he will continue to do so, just out of strength and respect for himself, he’s not afraid to ask those that surround him to please just pay some respect to his name. (Strength rx)

For Jungkook this newly opened road is no longer focused on the what ifs, the somedays or the if onlys– this man is doing things differently once and for all, he’s aiming for it to take root, his mind in the future, overfed with feeling a ceratin way. He is making things happen this time around (New Moon in Taurus)

All in all, this whole reading felt like a letter– open to be read by whoever that would like to read it. The Jungkook we have been watching these past few months/years especially given the pandemic timeline is a completely changed man. The story behind is that of a man that has fallen victim to the institutionalised conceptions of his artistry and culture of entitlement. He’s a man with a whole lot of baggage that is just trying to stay afloat as he pleads for things to change and allow him to do his work. He’s most definitely healing now, which seems to be the reason as to why I was able to pick up such energy for this reading, and we as fans should be reminded of our place, knowing that all of the energy that surrounds him–and BTS in general– will somehow end up affecting them with the way that the universe tends to work. I also believe the message is a consistent one: trust me, trust us. This is so funny to me, taking into account what has been announced earlier today.

Decks Used: Tarot del Fuego, Prisma Visions Tarot, Tarot of the Divine, Literary Witches Oracle, Moonology Oracle

#kpop tarot #jeon jungkook #jungkook tarot reading #bts tarot #bts tarot reading #jungkook tarot #kpop tarot reading

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desudog-gone · 8 months

Note

do you mind me asking why your blog says people who are anti proship won't like you? /gen

[Read the whole post if you read any of it, not @ the asker just @ everyone who cares abt this discourse. Bc I think all of it is important for the understanding.]

I don't believe in censorship of fiction basically.

[Long ramble under cut. Not aimed at u entirely, moreso so I can make this a FAQ response later]

Tldr: I have a very grey stance on an issue treated black and white, but I share more in common with proshippers than antis.

(I say both words with a bit of a rolled eye.)

(Essentally I'm anti-censorship and belive in the block button. Antis disagree with me, and while I am critical of some points some proshippers have, I agree with most points of proshippers/align with multiple of their beliefs, so if you hate them, chances are you'll hate me. Any discourser based on "person whos defined by hatred" is gonna dislike me, chances are.)

Because I read/play a lot of yaoi VN a lot of the stuff I like is also also often in line to be considered "irredeemable media"

Etc.

I bring a "if you don't like something, close the tab or block the artist." Vibe to the blog space that a lot of antis don't appreciate.

I used to consider myself an anti because I was forced to by an old friend group and the time I spent in the community was actually downright traumatizing and even if you're a picture perfect enforcer of harassment, people would treat u like shit.

I was just done with being treated with suspicion all the time, with being told openly by people I was "for now", knowing that I was walking a tight rope, and if I acted in a way they didn't like, if I engaged with a media they had even a sliver of reason to dislike, they'd throw me to the wolves.

I understand their talking points and when I actually sat around to think about it I realized how stupid everything I parroted was.

If you hate proshippers, you'll hate me, because I'm a firm believer in people being able to write whatever. I'm a firm believer that fiction shouldn't be censored but it should be accurately tagged/warned/otherwise disclaimered for if it contains commonly triggering content. Like how things work in the real world.

I was also always frustrated with the double standard of so many "antis". Once again, I know this issue FROM THE INSIDE. It's absolutely encouraged to be done as well. The idea that "the thing I like gets an excuse because I like it... but not your thing I think is cringe, even if they have the same issues." Its unspoken but entirely true

The anti community runs entirely off the idea of assuming the worst of every person ever. They give clearance to anyone who submits to them, and as long as they vaguely say they're "critical" of the thing they like. This causes antis to assume anyone who doesn't explicitly submit to them as being NOT critical of what they read/write etc, which is just an insane thing to do to what is mostly adults.

Antis also encourage the "ticking time bomb" mindset on other people that I despise.

Antis run off the idea that someone who hasn't hurt anyone should be punished for the crime they assume the person *could* commit.

I was treated like shit for being a babyfur even when I bent over backwards to justify myself to them and suck them off.

I honestly got fucking tired of it. I noticed one day, well actually after multiple days of deep thought, just how violent it all was. How much control was demanded over me, how everyone was literally waiting in anticipation to hurt me.

These days I don't label myself.

I think the whole discourse is dumb. I think taking a SUPER nuanced discussion, with MULTIPLE opinions in it, and saying "well you can only be one side of the pole. It's black and white only you can say no to everything, or yes to everything." Is just idiotic and a poor way to handle the situation.

I also don't label myself out of spite

I don't see any reason why I should have to fit other people's boxes even if I fit their definition.

My MO at the end of the day is "don't harass people just move on." And apparently that's the proship motto. So if you dont like "blocklist the tag idgaf" than you won't like me.

I'm a babyfur. I fucking play hadaka shitsuji. I think quadruped furries in nsfw is fine. I am far from the perfect image of an "anti"

Every day I get more and more comfortable with being morally impure in fiction. & I love it. Fuck evangelical style refusal of critical thinking. I'm never going back to being that scared again.

I encourage people to be mindful of the things they write but never in a million years would i think enforcing actual censorship on fiction is a good course of action and ESPECIALLY not while an ACTUAL BOOK BAN is happening in my country.

Also in the state of any kind of nsfw etc...

My fiction is not a person, IM a person, and an adult. This doesn't mean I control the consent of every character it means I AM THE CONSENT of every character. My consent to the media I make is the only consent that is real. Everything else is fantasy.

If it was 2 people, and we roleplayed characters, we said face to face we consented, it was fantasy- fake, this would be okay, right? It's safe between two adults, it's between 2 consenting adults.

When it's one person making fiction, it's the same thing. I am the ONLY PERSON in the situation. There are fake characters doing fake actions which I all consent to.

"What if your art is used to make other ppl thing bad things are okay?"

Was not, has not, will never be the fault of the artist. Predators will always find a way. This is literally repeated from other people in the past who want to censor writing. The freedom of art is more important than the potential of someone who could use anything else to hurt someone being shut down. Even if all art deemed 'bad' was destroyed, predators would find a way. It's shifting the blame. You'd think with all the glorified murder in the world we'd have more slashers dressing up in the skin of humans or something, right?

"But anyone who wants to write about those things are clearly abusers in wait!"

Once again, the ticking timebomb approach is heartless. First of all- no it doesn't say anything about their character. TWO, so fucking what? Literally anyone in the world can be an abuser. Anyone in the world can go, "huh today I'm gonna rape someone" or something! Anyone! But until someone does something, you can't claim they're actually hurting people. Everyone has the potential to hurt someone. It's taking people in the worst faith possible, it's heartless and inhuman. Nobody is made an abuser by birth, thought crimes aren't crimes. Actions are what matters. And until someone acts? You have no reason to pretend you're a fucking time traveler or psychic who will "know" that someones an offender. The slippery slope speaks for itself.

"But writing real people doing bad t-"

Didn't say real people I said fictional characters.

"But Ao3-"

Don't use the site. Frankly don't care. I'm not big on fanfic I just think people should be allowed to write their fiction without being suppressed.

This isn't even getting started on how western the whole thing is and the issues with racism, and recent clashes with ENG fandom vs JPN fandom, etc.

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dibidibifiction · 1 year

Text

Reasons to Live

Pairing: Kim Jonghyun x Reader

Category: romance

TRIGGER WARNING: depression, self-harm, death, foul language

Word count: 3.5k+

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction made for personal entertainment of readers. The writer does not ever intend to offend her readers nor does she aim to spread false information about anyone as to pay any disrespect to the real-life persons whom the characters are based on. She also does not claim ownership to any of the images that are being used.

masterlist

...

TWO YEARS EARLIER

JONGHYUN

I hear the curtain metal rings slide harshly two opposite ways, shocking me awake.

“Oh, good. You were sleeping with your mouth open.”

“Great. Thanks, Mom,” I say sarcastically, rubbing my eyes.

“It’s already ten past five. I’m going home. Are you going to be okay?” my mom asks. She has taken care of me since day one I’ve been in this hospital. But now, since I’ve improved a lot, I insisted that she doesn’t have to visit every day.

“Yes, ma’am,” I roll my eyes jokingly.

“Aww, Jonghyun, you should find a woman who will take care of you from now on instead of bothering me,” she joins my kidding around.

After she pinches my cheeks and kisses me, she heads out the door. I sit up to reach for my phone on the side table. I got messages from the boys on our group chat.

14:36

Kim Kibum: Hey, Kim Jonghyun! When are you getting discharged? You’re delaying our project. Get your shit together, yeah? Love you

15:18

Jinki: They ran some tests on you a few days ago, right? How did they go?

15:24

Minho: Hope everything’s okay, Hyung. We’re just here waiting for you~

16:20

Taemin: Hyung, did you receive my fruit basket? Hope you like it.

Reading their messages instantly puts a smile on my face. I start typing to reply that everything’s good and that I’m getting out of here soon. Maybe next week at the very least.

I’ve been in this hospital for almost a month because of the car accident on my drive to my parents’ house after work. It was already dark and I was on the expressway when it started to rain so heavily that visibility was close to zero. Unexpectedly, a huge truck was running too fast in my direction. I managed to avoid it but then made me hit an electric post. Even though I was in a coma for three days, still, lucky for me, I had very little damage compared to others who have gotten into accidents like this.

I’ve never felt more alive. It may be hard to believe or even admit, but it might be a miracle, what happened to me. I was in such unbearable pain that I could already imagine my loved ones crying at my funeral.

I grab my little notebook and head up to the rooftop. I sit in my usual spot, which is at the very corner of the floor, overlooking the city. The city lights are like stars, the cars like elves, and the people like ants. It’s like a whole new weird world. I pull up my pen inserted at the last page I wrote on. Every time I have an idea for a song or a poem, I always write it here.

As I’m turning the pages to look back on what I’ve written, I catch a glimpse of someone’s legs way across this wide rooftop. It looks like a person lying on the floor.

“Hello?” I call out.

No response.

“Excuse me, are you okay?” My voice is a little louder, hoping to be heard.

Still nothing. Not even a subtle movement.

I drop everything and walk briskly over to check on them.

I gasp at a young girl in a hospital gown like mine, which means she must be a patient too. I draw closer to see that she’s unconscious. And pale.

My heart twists, I hurriedly kneel down to her side and lightly put my head on her chest to check her heartbeat.

Shit, I hear nothing. A quick shiver sends through me.

Her pulse. I quickly grab her hand to feel her wrist and hope to feel something.

Thank God. I exhale after what feels like twenty minutes. “Stay here. I’ll go get help.”

I run down four flights of stairs and realize how ridiculous that sounded since she couldn’t even hear me. I finally reach the nearest nurse’s station, catching my breath in order to get words out.

“Excuse me! There’s a girl up on the roof. She’s unconscious. Please help!”

A nurse nods once and quickly picks up the telephone. She recites something I didn’t quite understand. Two guys with a stretcher appear immediately and ask me to let lead the way.

. . .

It’s now hours later and I can’t stop thinking about her. My last sight of her keeps flashing before my eyes. She was pale and almost lifeless. She looks pretty with her dark neck-length hair, her thin bangs fly off her forehead because of the wind. I wonder what’s wrong with her. I hope she’s okay now. Turns out she is the one who stays in the room next to mine.

My door slowly opens for a nurse to take the tray of my already finished dinner. “Hey, um, do you know what happened to the girl next door?”

“Do you know her?” he asks me right back, his eyes dead.

“Actually, yeah, I went to college with her.” I lie.

“Oh, okay, then,” he sighs. “Well, she attempted to kill herself again.”

My jaws drop in shock. “What?” I stutter. My heart sinks even more at the word ‘again.’

“It’s the third time she’s done that during her stay here. I really hope she'll stop. I’m worried about her. She doesn’t even have a family for us to call for a situation like this. There’s only this one guy that comes over every now and then.” His eyes suddenly change and fill up with pity when he walks out the door.

---

PRESENT DAY

Y/N

I run to the bus stop to see Jonghyun already waiting for me by his car in hazard mode at the side of the road. Two weeks passed and this is the most I’ve seen him since he’s been busy with his comeback.

He spots me, then waves so happily that he’s almost jumping.

I land in his arms. “Jonghyun, I missed you,” I weep on his chest.

He pulls away to look at my face, cupping my cheeks. “How’s my girl?” his eyes twinkle. He lovingly leans in for a five-second kiss.

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting,” I pout.

“No, I just got here,” he smiles. “Shall we?”

We both hop in his car and drive to Taemin’s house to have dinner with the boys. It was supposed to be a celebration for their comeback promotion weeks ago but it always fell through. Now that their promotion ended, they decided to have the gathering tonight. It was Minho and Kibum’s idea. Taemin offered his place to hold it.

They love a good party. Kibum wanted to invite as many people as they could but Minho wanted an intimate gathering with just close friends. The decision was made democratically but it was tied up. So all that long heated, turbulent discussion led us to the lowkey one with just close friends.

Jonghyun and I arrive with three handsome boys already in sight. Minho greets me with a warm hug and then leads me toward the kitchen where Jinki and Kibum are preparing food.

“Mmm, smells good over here. Where’s Taemin?” I ask no one in particular while I make my way to sit on a spinning stool by the island.

“He’s not here yet,” Kibum answers me while he holds a wooden spoon in front of me to let me taste his soondubu stew.

“What? He’s late even at his own party being held at his house. Great.” I say as I nod approvingly to Kibum, telling him that it’s delicious.

Jinki giggles. “That’s our youngest.”

I laugh, wiping off droplets of soup on my chin.

“Speak of the devil,” Kibum mutters as soon as I hear the front door beep.

I welcome Taemin with a giggle and my arms open for a hug. “Hey, what are you doing late at your own party?” I say, pulling away from his one-hand embrace.

“I came as fast as I could. You’re at my house. Stop complaining!” he laughs too.

. . .

It is now four hours later. Jonghyun and I are back in his car on our way to his apartment. I insisted he takes me home but he insisted harder for me to stay at his place since it’s closer.

“Plus, I missed you and I want to be with you a little longer,” he says, kissing my hand while his eyes are on the road.

“Really? Well...” I say, having something in mind. I start drawing closer to him and slide my palm on his lap up to his crotch. I lean in closer, humming into his ear.

He swallows. “Hey, I’m driving.”

I laugh at him. “Fine, I’ll wait until we get home.”

“Home?” He looks at me for a second, smiling. Then back on the road.

I pause, thinking of what I said. “What?”

“Did you just propose for us to live together?”

“Where’d that come from? You’re making stuff up again.” I playfully punch his arm.

He laughs out loud. It is so beautiful that it is the most musical sound I’ve ever heard.

After a few seconds of silence, he grabs my hand. I turn to him, waiting for him to say something. “So, do you want to move in?”

My mouth opens in quite a confusion but immediately curves into a huge smile. “Yeah, of course! I’d love that,” I screech. I lean into him for a kiss on his cheek, then rest my head on his shoulder while he pulls over into parking.

He turns to me, cupping my cheek. “I love you so much, Y/n.”

It makes me melt every time he says those words to me. My eyes fill in with tears. “I love you, too.”

---

TWO YEARS EARLIER

An overflowing burning sensation boils in my stomach, making me abruptly sit up and throw up on myself. I feel like my internal organs are about to come out of my mouth. I feel so heavy that I can't open my eyes. When I do, it’s brief and cloudy.

I suddenly hear the door open. Somebody walks into my room. A nurse perhaps. After I feel them carefully laid me back down, I catch a blurry figure of a man standing in my direction by the door outside my room. Before I can control my own consciousness, everything goes black again.

. . .

I slowly open my eyes with the sun blaring at me. It irritates the shit out of me. I get out of bed in an attempt to close my blinds but somebody stops me.

“Whoa, wait, be careful.” A guy in a hospital gown like mine suddenly appears before me.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I glare at him.

He looks startled by my sudden rage. Despite this, he adjusts the wire connecting the needle inserted in my arm and the IV that’s hung next to my bed before I could mess it up.

“Let me get that for you,” he mutters before closing the blinds for me, leaving a bit of sunlight.

My face relaxes from frowning as I watch him walk back toward me. He sits on the chair next to my bed. I notice his attractive appearance. Dark hair that covers his entire forehead, a cute smile and a muscular body. I somehow get lost in his stare with those innocent and sparkly eyes, making the anger inside me fade. I feel some kind of warm relief.

“Uh, I’m Jonghyun. Sorry to disturb you. I just wanted to see how you’re doing. I have not heard about you since I found you on the roof a few days ago.”

I snap out, bringing back my scowl. “Why?”

He stutters. “Well-”

“We don’t even know each other.”

“No, but-”

“Do you like me? Is that why you saved me?” I’m getting more pissed with this stranger in my room. “Or are you just trying to be some kind of a hero that saves my life, then our story would turn into a cheesy romantic cliché?

Silence. He just stares at me. Probably awkward and shocked.

“Get out of here before I call security.”

Without saying anything else, he gets up from his seat and walks to the door. Looking flustered, he glances back at me before sliding it close behind him.

. . .

The moon has come out. It’s the only time of day that I appreciate the outside. I stand before the window, looking out, watching the cars and cabs go about down there. Thinking that there are millions of people existing, I question why the fuck I’m alone.

Literally.

Emotionally.

I fall on my butt, and for the first time in almost a year, I cry out loud. Extremely loud. Numbingly loud. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I pull my hair out, punch my head, slap my own face. Dig my nails into my neck, scratch down to my chest, and then my arms. I kick my legs hysterically. Repeatedly.

I hate being alive.

Eventually, my hearing went faint, abandoning its purpose. I feel someone grab me from behind, restraining me tightly.

“Let me go! Just please let me go. Please! I don’t want to be alive anymore.” I continue to scream furiously, trying to escape everything that tries to come at me.

But then, I see that it’s Minho who’s hugging me. I crash into his arms, shut the fuck up, and cry silently.

“Y/n, I’m here. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I’m here for you. Please, stop now,” he hushes me. I can finally hear his voice. He's the only one I can trust. His embrace is the only comforting thing to me.

I’m breathing heavily, trying to calm down. I watch a nurse approach with a syringe but Minho immediately shoves it away.

We just stayed like this. I have not idea how long but I don’t want it to end.

After some time, the noises in my head settle down. I can see clearly again.

---

PRESENT DAY

JONGHYUN

After my radio show, I come home to a beautiful lady waiting for me on the couch in the dressing gown I got her for Christmas last year, and a pair of thick-framed reading glasses with a book in hand.

I join her, laying my head between her breasts. “Hi, roomie.” I look up at her, then give her a wink. We talked about moving in together weeks ago and the day I’d been waiting for has finally come. She’s finally settled in with me. There couldn’t be any other day happier than this.

She hisses. “Shut up,” then goes back to reading her book, blocking my view of her pretty little face.

I hiss back. I then crawl out off the couch to pick her up bridal style, spinning her around.

Y/n shrieks, laughing. “Jonghyun, stop!”

So I do. “Oh, hey, we haven’t done that thing couples do once they move in.”

“I thought you were going to be too tired from work,” she says, her arms around my neck.

Her thinking about sex is heaven to me! But that’s not what I’m talking about. “No, stupid,” I chuckle at her while I put her down on her feet. “Come here.” I grab her hand for her to follow me out the front door.

“Wait, what? Where are we going? I’m not dressed,” she complains.

I close the door once we get out. Y/n is still confused about what we’re doing. I pick her up again, bridal style. “Now, enter the code.”

She doesn’t say anything else and does as I say.

Once she opens the door, “Welcome home!” I cheer.

She laughs out loud. “Oh, so now we’re officially living together. Amazing!” she says playfully.

But I don’t put her down just yet and head to the bedroom.

“What are you doing?”

“We’re doing that other thing that couples do when they move in together.”

“Yay!” she cheers, then kisses me deeply on the spot as I bring the action to our bedroom.

---

TWO YEARS EARLIER

There’s a knock on the door while I watch a movie on the flatscreen. I hit pause on the remote control.

“Hyung!” Minho calls out enthusiastically as he enters my room with bags of food in his hand.

“Hey! What are you doing here?”

“What? Can’t a guy visit his guy friend who is unlucky enough to get into an accident?” he jokes around, handing me my lunch.

“Thank you very much,” I bow to him.

Minho and I do some catching up, talking about his new drama series, and some other work stuff until our conversation finds itself about the girl staying next door.

“Then she just kicked me out of her room and threatened to call security on me. This is what she did to a person who saved her life?” I pout.

“Oh, my God. You’re the stalker she’s been talking about?”

“Stalker? Woah, that woman. After what I did for her?” My blood is boiling with intense irritation. But it subsides quickly once I realize something. “Wait, you know her?”

“Yeah, I actually spent the night in her room.”

I pause, staring at Minho in confusion. “You’re not… Nothing’s going on with you two, is there?

“Oh, no. Nothing like that. I’ve known her since childhood. Our parents used to be close. That was when her mother was still alive and her dad hadn’t moved to Japan.”

“Wow, she has it tough, huh?” Just like that, irritation turns compassion.

“Yeah, but there’s more to that. Something that no one can explain, not even her herself.”

She’s been suicidal. Her depression has taken a lot from her. Hearing this makes me want to look after her more.

---

PRESENT DAY

Y/N

Since then, Jonghyun had been visiting me every evening to have dinner together even when I kept pushing him away, asking him to stop trying to save me.

Days after he got discharged, he came back, but I wasn’t in my room anymore. When he found out that I was transferred to the psychiatric ward, he came running to my door.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were being transferred?”

“Why would I?” I frowned.

“Right,” he laughed awkwardly.

His phone vibrated in his pocket.

“Hey, what are you-”

He trailed off, his face turning red as he listened. It’s definitely Minho.

I suddenly snatched the phone from Jonghyun’s hand and walk near the door out of earshot. “Hey, where the hell are you?” I scolded Minho in a whisper. “You are not letting him-”

“It’s okay, Y/n. He means well. Maybe it’s time for you to let somebody else in for a change,” he laughed statically. “Love you.”

I sighed in irritation as I heard the dial tone. “Here.” I hand Jonghyun’s phone back to him while he just smiled at me goofily.

If it wasn’t for Minho, I never would’ve trusted anyone again. And because of Jonghyun, trusting and loving again was worth it.

By the time I got discharged from the ward, Jonghyun and I eventually started dating officially. He was always there for me. Offered to come with me to my therapist twice a week but I insisted that I could go by myself. I would meet the rest of the boys not long after we got together. Since then, I’ve got the best friends ever.

Sooner or later, I would get back to work in teaching kindergarten. I can’t imagine my career going any other way. I thank myself for being alive today. Some days, I’d join Jonghyun and the boys in organizing a charity mission. I’d teach kids in far provinces. I forgot how fulfilling working with children was when I was too busy being miserable.

I’ve never felt so alive. Not to mention grateful.

“I’m so proud of you, honey,” my dad tells me with a big smile on his face.

“Thanks, Dad,” I smile back at my computer screen. “By the way, when are you coming? You should tell me ahead of time so I can prepare you something.”

Before I can hear his response, the front door of my apartment beeped. “Oh, I have to go. Jonghyun’s here.”

“I should really meet this Jonghyun. You’re talking about him a lot,” he says.

I shake my head and laugh at him before hanging up.

“Was that your dad?” Jonghyun asks as soon as he approaches and kisses me on the lips.

“Yeah.”

“Is he coming to visit?”

“He didn’t say,” I tell him, shutting down my laptop.

I stare at Jonghyun while he removes his shoes and walks towards me.

“What?” he asks, then kisses me on the forehead.

Trying not to tear up, I just shake my head and giggle at him. If it wasn’t for Jonghyun, my life would be so much different right now. Hell, I’d be dead. Because of him, I regained my bond with my dad.

Months ago, they had to go to Japan for work and he made me come with them so my father and I could finally talk. We had never seen eye to eye ever since Mom died. We had drifted apart. Now, we are closer than ever.

I’m not saying my depression is gone and my attacks are non-existent anymore. They still come every now and then, although not as bad as before. Jonghyun has always been so caring and understanding. I could cry just thinking about it. I got to be with the best person and have the best friends in the world.

#hi! it's been quite a while since i last posted a story on here #the last post i made was in June 2021 #anyway i'm always grateful for everyone who reads my work and likes them #i'm not promising anything but i'll try to post more stories for you #i hope you enjoy this Jonghyun x reader fiction #in this piece i expressed how much Jonghyun and the rest of SHINee means to me despite having to go through difficult times #happy reading!#shinee jonghyun #kim jonghyun #SHINee fanfiction #shinee fanfic #shinee x reader #jonghyun x reader

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izzyliker · 2 years

Text

some musings about ed, trauma, and ed-the-character as a system

Disclaimer: while I have an undergrad degree in psychology and sociology I am not a psychologist. I have years and years of first hand experience with living with C-PTSD and am married to someone with C-PTSD and who is also the host of an OSDD-1b (ie. one of the dissociative disorders that are associated with systems) system; and I am making this post from primarily a place of personal connection to the character, the way he’s presented, and the way we’re physically shown Ed’s childhood in flashbacks. People often discuss Ed from the context of him having “masks” and the Ed that sings songs and wears robes being “the real Ed” and I think that’s not a very good reading of the text (sorry) and this personal connection is probably why.

First of all: Tumblr user uselessheretic wrote up an AMAZING post about Ed, trauma, and coping and really succinctly explained the changes in his personality from the IFS model perspective. Blackbeard, Edward, and the Kraken are not personas: they are versions of him with their own specific purposes. They exist for a REASON. None of them are “real” or “fake” and suggesting that Blackbeard and Kraken are “fake” or “performances” when held against Edward because they’re “violent” whereas Edward is “soft” and “gentle” has a whole bunch of terrible implications specifically because a lot of the time complex PTSD (ie. PTSD formed over time from repeated trauma as opposed to ye olde PTSD which is from a singular event with a start and end; eg. childhood abuse vs mass shooting survivor) DOES come with a distinct need to have some form of violence built in as a defense mechanism from abuse, aimed either at your abuser, other people, or yourself. The Kraken is that: Ed didn’t kill his dad, the Kraken did. By externalizing this act to a different person (or monster, in this case) entirely Ed could keep the emotional fallout from the act to the minimum: Ed didn’t kill anyone. His dad is gone. He might have loved his dad like children tend to, even when their parents are unsafe to be around, and he might’ve been genuinely distraught even though his dad was also the cause of his trauma. When the person who took care of the issue is NOT YOU you get to just focus on the conflict of “I’m relieved he’s gone [because he was abusive]” and “I’m upset he’s gone [because he’s my dad and I deserved better]” instead of also throwing in an additional “and also I killed him.” This reactive part doesn’t necessarily disappear and especially not just on its own. Ed, with the life he��s had, almost certainly never was in a place where he felt safe enough to “get rid of” the Kraken. That’s his built in security system.

And this is where I have to discuss Ed as a system.

The C-PTSD is honestly not up for debate but I acknowledge that the show probably doesn’t mean for us to read him as a system. I cannot stop reading him that way, though, and the Kraken split is one of my main reasons for that. When Ed tells us the Kraken killed his dad I believe he genuinely thought that was the case. When he (the Kraken, and I’ll refer to these alters by those names from now on just for clarity) killed their dad the Kraken was sealed into a completely separate compartment by itself. Ed-as-a-collective remembers it but not consciously. It’s a memory that exists but can’t be readily accessed. When he is triggered by the fuckery presentation of the Kraken he physically falls to the ground from the sudden force of the memory. The way the monster blurs with young Ed, and the way he convulses on the ground completely dissociated from the rest of the world is so over the top dramatic in presentation it’s genuinely shocking to see from him. When we see him in the bathtub he’s not just vulnerable and crying and recovering from a flashback: he is still having it, and he’s not just vulnerable and seeking comfort, he’s regressing to a much more childish state than we have ever seen him or we ever see him again. This is Ed as close to his childhood self as he can get; this is him returning to not only the night the Kraken killed his dad, but probably several traumatic moments across several different points in time that he’s reliving at the same time. Like he’s not just having a breakdown: he’s having a complex trauma flashback, which are often not super clearly centered around a specific event as much as they are about feelings and vague memories blending with how you felt, what you saw, what you smelled, what you heard. This is happening AS HE IS TALKING TO STEDE. Ed is not there “in the moment” because he is being pulled between the past and the present in an extremely distressing way where there is no escape for him in either direction. He can’t ground himself in either world. Watching this scene over and over again it hits me so hard that when Ed says “I’m not a good person” he immediately goes on to say “I don’t have any friends” which is an extraordinarily childish thing to say in this context in the sense that that is what a lonely child in an unsafe living situation without anyone to reach out to would say. Edward, in the present, as he is, wants a friend and is lonely, but on a basic “he is having a flashback right now” level that is him speaking from the perspective and primal fears of his childhood self: Ed, the age slider, who has had contact with Kraken, the protector, for the first time in a very long time. When the Kraken was split (and I don’t know if that would’ve been long before the actual killing happened or if that was the moment it did happen; it’s possible the Kraken wasn’t even remotely the first person to be split to help Ed cope) it was split for a reason: to protect Ed. The Kraken has one task and that is to keep him safe.

Footnote: it is not a given that a system will have an outwardly violent protector. Protectors form to meet the requirements of the traumatic situation in order to minimize the harm done psychologically and physically: if the situation requires a good fawner or mediator then one will form. If the situation requires someone who can ”want” the traumatic thing in question then one will form. If the situation requires someone who can fight back then one will form. Ed has very specific circumstances where the formation of one makes perfect sense.

The Kraken is not a senseless violent person; he protects Ed. He does not lash out without reason. The Kraken kills Ed’s dad. He throws away the silk square. He throws Lucius overboard. He cuts off Izzy’s toe. These are all acts that are done to keep Ed safe, either physically or emotionally. The Kraken is not emotional, does not lash out, does not react. The Kraken plans and makes choices where Ed retreats and tries to hide. He is not a mask: when Izzy triggers the Kraken out he’s not forcing Ed to put on a mask, he is the last step in triggering a massive breakdown that had been building up for DAYS at that point. Ed’s been desperately pushing this off and he’s been doing… okay…. But the person that has been out was NOT the person who has been in charge previously: it was Ed, the childish alter, the one who wants to sing songs, the one who wants friends, who wants affection, who openly begs for it. That was NEVER going to be sustainable. He’s out and he’s raw and he should never have been left out alone for so long but Stede leaving with no warning has had him out without anyone else to take his place. This is his second “bathtub moment,” only this time nobody is there to give him the affection and understanding he needs. It’s not just Izzy: he can see how the crew looks at him like he’s lost his mind, and while Lucius tries to help him they are just not close enough for it to ever be feasible. Lucius didn’t promise to protect him and then follow through with it. Lucius didn’t take the only reminder of his childhood he carries with him, his traumatic childhood, the one he only accesses in flashbacks and tell him it’s beautiful. That he’s not ruined and broken for it. That was Stede. To Ed, Stede gave every indication that he was going to stay and be a safe person for Ed to trust and rely on. Would Ed even NEED the Kraken to keep him safe anymore, with Stede? It’s just been Ed, the age slider, the vulnerable child, the person who is the most susceptible to any harm, since probably right after they signed the act of grace. The rapid changes of his mind about wanting to stay vs. wanting to go to China are impulsive, they’re nonsensical, they’re clearly trauma responses to me: adapting to your current scenario quickly without processing it too much, just accepting it as a given, and then coming up with a fantastical escape (hello, the Kraken murdered my abusive dad). When Stede doesn’t show up the person who rows away isn’t Ed, it’s the Kraken. Ed would’ve waited until the British found him and took him back, but the Kraken knows this can’t happen so he takes them back to the Revenge. And then it’s Ed again.

And it’s not just Ed and the Kraken. We actually see the Kraken only a very limited amount of times: when he kills his dad, when he throws away the silk square & Lucius, and when he cuts off Izzy’s toe. The Kraken is a last line of defense. Similarly, Ed is a highly emotional alter partially because he is the one with the most contact with the emotional parts of his trauma. He remembers. He wants affection. He cannot be left alone because if he is rejected or treated badly he is not built to handle it. He gets triggered out in times of emotional distress, and he’s the one crying and lashing out. Ed never got to grow up, and he’s insecure and emotional because he’s desperate for positive attention. When the French make fun of him at the dinner party it’s Ed that storms out, it’s Ed that finds Stede, it’s Ed who tells Stede he’s going to go back and shoot them all, and it’s Ed who Stede tells he’s going to take care of it, that he’s going to take care of him. They’re the protector and the protected, respectively. They’re highly specialized alters with purposes.

So that leads us to Blackbeard. As uselessheretic identifies him as, when following the IFS model Blackbeard is the manager. He’s the person who takes care of day to day tasks. He’s the person we see the most. This is different from Blackbeard-the-persona, as in the fearsome pirate image he has crafted with Izzy: that Blackbeard is just a brand. Blackbeard the manager is the person we see the most. He’s brilliant, he’s violent, he enjoys maiming, he enjoys a good fuckery, he’s a hard worker and he’s funny and Stede enjoys being around him and he’s built himself from the ground up. He’s not held back by his trauma (because Ed’s holding onto pretty much all of it) and he’s able to enjoy violence (because the Kraken does what would, for him, be emotionally exhausting, traumatic murder and violence - I think one of the reasons that the trauma unfolding happens at all is because Blackbeard is trying to kill Stede [traumatic murder] AS the Kraken imagery occurs. This is a perfect storm). In some ways he seeks it out as the receiver: he wants Stede to stab him, and doesn’t seem to be averse to it in general. It’s just simply not that deep to him. They lost crew members? Sucks. Anyway, what’s for dinner? He’s practical but he’s not emotionless the way the Kraken is: Blackbeard is a much more “complete” person than the Kraken is. Ed and Blackbeard are people in that they have their own distinct personalities, and they are capable of the full range of the human emotional spectrum. Kraken isn’t, because he has a specific purpose that requires a certain amount of non-humanness, or else he wouldn’t be able to fulfill that purpose.

But I think there is a fourth person as well: and that is the person that does whippies with Jack, who thinks Jack is just a pathetic guy and a harmless dude, really, who gets fooled by him, who is impulsive and reckless and rambunctious. I actually suspect that Blackbeard ISN’T who was originally in charge after Ed left home: I think this person was the one who had the reins for a long time, and split from Ed somewhere between the murder and before they left to work for Hornigold. I think he’s sort of a proto-Blackbeard in function: more immature, seemingly stuck in an eternal state of frat boy fun, and I think that’s because he IS stuck in that state. I don’t know how to analyze their relationship but I think there’s definitely something really complex there. He seems to trust Jack way more than Jack deserves but I don’t really know what to make of it. It’s a very naive way of looking at people; a childish desire to make friends combined with these desires to understand someone and see deeper within them. Blackbeard is the matured version: more confident, more sure of his authority, someone who knows what he’s doing, and who has a healthy amount of arrogance. This person… is not Blackbeard. This person is a total 180 from any version of him that Stede has ever met, and when he tells Stede “this is who I am” it’s not even remotely what we as the audience have observed previously. Blackbeard pre-Stede was moody, mysterious; impulsive and erratic according to Izzy, sure, but this is not that. This is something else entirely.

The only way him saying that makes sense is if that is genuinely what he thinks in that moment: I don’t think there’s a tremendous amount of amnesia between switches but I think there is also next to no internal communication between alters and it seems like generally speaking they operate under the assumption that they ARE the same person. And that is a valid way for a system to identify: but this is different from that kind of a conscious choice. In this case there is no conscious statement; it’s an assumption that everyone feels this way, that “this is just how it sometimes is” is the same as “this is the REAL me,” etc. And there is no “real me” – that’s the point! They’re all equally real. Ed-as-a-collective has no solid grasp on his personality or selfhood because he’s completely blissfully unaware of the fact that there’s a good reason for that. Now the issue is that Ed would never have the language for any of this. As I said the amnesia between alters seems to mostly be limited to the Kraken, and when Izzy refers to his increasingly erratic moods I suspect he just means that Blackbeard as the host and the most normie alter is getting bored and depressed and just doing weird shit, though I wouldn’t be surprised if Izzy had come into contact with Ed the age slider and found the interaction(s) confusing and offputting. I don’t think Ed would process these alters as separate necessarily, and the other characters of course would have no idea. So to expect that Stede would need to take care of Ed is both unfair to Stede on the basis that he doesn’t KNOW and on the basis that Ed and Ed& cannot expect to externalize the caretaking onto someone else. Not because it’s unfair to Stede (although it kind of is) but because it’s fundamentally unsustainable on an internal level. The Kraken, as blunt of an instrument as he might be, is built to the exact needs that Ed needs to be taken care of, because that’s how he came to be. Stede is his own external person whose origin ISN’T Ed’s brain as it was when he was experiencing tremendous amounts of acute traumatic events. Ed is realizing this issue now that it’s already too late.

The thing is that Stede did – and honestly it’s fucking remarkable considering that Stede generally has the emotional intelligence of a spoon – everything right every single time he came into contact with Ed-the-age-slider. I don’t know if it’s because Stede, someone who also has a bunch of childhood trauma, on some level knew that he was seeing a traumatic flashback unfold and KNEW what to do, or if he’s genuinely just fine tuned to understand Ed, but when Ed comes to him with tears in his eyes and tells him they laughed at him and that he’s going to shoot them Stede tells him to stand down, and then with voice soft as a gentle breeze tells him that he’s going to take care of it. I’ll do this for you. You’re hurt and you’re right to be hurt and I love you and I want you to feel safe and taken care of, and I’ll do it because I know how to do it and I want to keep you safe from the fallout. And Stede follows through. Ed stares at Stede with unbelieving eyes the whole time, and then the whole way back to the Revenge. This is a breaking point. This is the first crack in Ed’s shell. This is something that has only ever been done by Ed, or by Blackbeard, or by the Kraken when it was really, really bad. So to have someone else do it for him – no wonder he’s quiet for pretty much the rest of the night, save for like, ten words for the rest of the episode.

And then Stede sees the memory of his childhood, the little square of silk, the physical reminder of his horrible, traumatic childhood he tries to shield himself from, and he touches it, and he might as well be touching Ed’s heart. He looks at it; the silk being a metaphor for the traumatized child who still exists acutely inside of Ed, the one who feels so many conflicting emotions about his trauma, who blames himself and everyone around him and who just wants to be loved and protected, who in that moment is still distressed and recovering from an intensely upsetting emotional moment; and he tells Ed that it’s beautiful. He goes out of his way to neaten it. He goes out of his way to put it on Ed, where he can see, and he tells Ed that he wears it well. That it’s a fine thing. And I can’t even… Ed, the traumatized child who almost certainly felt like he would just never matter, that his life would always be fear and loneliness, being told he’s worth something not only now, but as a child, too, that he was always lovable, enough so that he shouldn’t hide that part of himself out of fear of being rejected… not around Stede, at least. Not-she-which-burns-in-it wrote a breathtaking post about that specific scene and the body language of both of them and it really haunts me.

And then in the bathtub Ed is inconsolable, we’re surrounded by mirrors, the cracks in his consciousness, where he’s drifting between flashbacks and real life, where he’s having tremendous issues differentiating reality from memory, and Stede comes in. And here’s what I always think about:

Stede doesn’t try to touch him. Stede sits a fair distance away but his body language is open and he’s obviously engaged and listening. Stede doesn’t accuse him of anything. When Ed admits to the plan Stede doesn’t yell at him, doesn’t leave, he just asks whether it will still happen. Ed tells him he doesn’t have friends, Stede tells him he’s his friend. The mirrors repeat. Ed is still having his flashback sequence. Stede doesn’t leave. He doesn’t push. He lets Ed lead the conversation. And near the end he offers out his arm and Ed reaches for it. It’s Ed’s choice. It’s Ed who has agency. It’s Ed who’s in charge, who gets to share what he wants, who gets to be as vulnerable as he wants, who gets to choose if he’s touched, how close he wants Stede to be. And Stede sits with him until he’s gathered himself, and then they leave together.

And for me it’s like – at the beach he says “I can just be Ed, and what makes Ed happy is you” and of course on an obvious textual level it just means what it says: he’s just himself, without the need to maintain his image or to hold power or manage others. I just – I know you have to be fairly committed to this reading here but it haunts and vexes me to think about this subconscious admittance of the fact that this vulnerable person who holds probably all of the trauma is safe and happy with Stede to the point where he can be the one front, where he feels safe. That Stede will take care of him, that he can trust him, that he can let his guard down. And of course that backfires almost immediately.

So like: I don’t know where exactly I was going with this, except just that… regardless of what specific trauma consequence you see him as having these “versions” are highly unlikely to be “fake” or masks. They’re either “parts” or they’re alters; I tend to go with the alter theory. I think Ed as a character is Very consistent with how a system in the 1700s might come across to people who simply do not have the language. And these parts, regardless of how you see them, do have specific roles and meanings and they exist for a reason. As the text keeps telling us Ed has a shit ton of trauma over his childhood and this has affected his emotional processing skills to a tremendous extent. The Kraken does not come across as a “mask” or something Ed is pretending to be: he is (imo) clearly something that already existed in this capacity, and he is completely different from Ed or Blackbeard in every single way, down to the way he moves, his facial expressions, how he carries himself, even his look. Kraken is – yeah, breakdown, but, more specifically, he’s a completely different person entirely, and that’s by necessity. He’s just as real as Blackbeard as Ed. I don’t think the Kraken is at all connected to the Blackbeard image, because I don’t think he would ever come out “casually.” He seems distinctly like a last resort trauma trigger solver, not a party trick. And in the same vein Blackbeard is not less authentic than Ed is: it’s just that Ed is completely saddled with all of the trauma that the person in charge cannot hold onto. This is a balance of juggling trauma and functionality with next to no outside help, and when Ed opened up to Stede to such an extent and imprinted on him with basically no safeguards it’s a sweet moment, but it’s a dangerous one as well. And it’s not a conclusion or a climax to their arc or Ed’s trauma processing: Ed has a lot of very, very complex trauma rooted in his psyche that he has been carrying around for decades. That is the literal first peeling back of trauma. It can be intensely retraumatizing to uncover a traumatic memory without proper safeguards, and Ed is incredibly lucky that Stede was so delicate and gentle with him, because that could’ve gone horribly wrong. Ed is not realizing he can be gentle; he’s realizing that he’d been repressing a memory of murdering his dad for decades, and quite possibly realizing that he’s been repressing enormous amounts of trauma in general. Like: this is a breakthrough moment but not in the sense fandom seems to often claim it is – this is not helping Ed realize he doesn’t have to be violent or that he can be vulnerable in general, it’s him deciding that Stede is safe for him to be around. That has next to nothing to do with Blackbeard or his personality or how he feels about violence, and is wholly disconnected from the Kraken because the Kraken is irrelevant to their day to day operations.

Idk! I love my complex meow meow. He’s out there. Be nice to him

#ofmd #best wishes gargoyle king #UGHHhhhhh hes . Clecnes fist

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ask-artsy-oncie · 2 years

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I gotta outline the problems I have with terminally online people being so damn adamant about putting terms like “TME” or “transmisogyny exempt” in their bios, because as much as I just wanna yell “fuck off with that shit” at the people who insist on making this a thing, I haven’t really found a post wrapping up all the problems with this in an easy to understand way. And that’s a problem of its own, because people are so fucking afraid and otherwise discouraged from questioning any new “progressive” online discourse stance that gains traction and risk getting ostracized from the communities they’ve come to depend on.

For those people, have some food for thought.

Firstly, aside from like some people of color denoting that they’re white-passing (which is an entirely different bag of worms), the vast majority of abouts, bios, what have yous that denote your identity Do Not contain a disclaimer list of your privileges. Saying shit like “transmasc, TME” is about as “redundant” (I’ll get to that) as saying “able-bodied, able-minded, ableism exempt” and therefore unnecessary. Except it’s not just unnecessary - and this is likely why some people so deep into discourse culture insist on using it - it serves to downplay your experiences as a trans person and feeds directly into oppression olympics politics.

If your marginalized identity has to constantly be paired with “I don’t actually have it as bad as these other marginalized people though”, you’re creating an unconscious divider between yourself and people who are actually in a decently similar boat that you are, as well as creating a reminder of “I don’t actually have it that bad” which very quickly evolves into “my experiences as a marginalized individual aren’t valid enough” and that can lead to “so it’s okay if I start getting excluded from communities I thought I was supposed to belong in”. It’s a divisionist, exclusionist method of thinking and serves to weaken our community, whether the people participating in this practice aim to do so or not.

And even if all that wasn’t an issue, the practice shouldn’t even have legs to stand on because no the fuck you’re not exempt from transmisogyny because that’s not how bigotry actually works. Bigotry, in real life, does not attack based on how you identify, for the most part, it attacks based on how you are perceived. Believe it or not, cishet and straight trans people are not exempt from being affected by homophobia. Cishet and cis gay people are not exempt from being affected by transphobia. There are many more examples I could give but I’d start derailing. Point is, marginalized people, ESPECIALLY queer people, have SO many overlapping experiences based on how they’re perceived by their oppressors - and it’s why dividing up the community so staunchly is a bad thing.

If you’re transmasc and visibly aren’t performing your gender properly (which HEAVILY varies from bigot to bigot so don’t even bring passing privilege into this) and are attacked for it, you don’t actually know if it was transmisandry or transmisogyny at play just because YOU know how YOU identify. And your online discourse buddies don’t know, either, no matter what they try to tell you. That’s just the reality of how marginalization works.

Please, just stop drinking this koolaid. For the sake of yourself and others. For the sake of being real about how the world works. Just label yourself as transmasc and literally anyone who is capable of critical thought can then go “hm, it’s probable that they don’t have the exact 1:1 life experiences a trans woman does” if that thought’s even applicable. I’m begging yalls to give this one some more thought before digging your heels in.

#lgbt #transgender #transmasc #transmisogyny #tme #I'm debating on whether or not I want this to be rebloggable #Like fine but also I'm blocking anyone who tries to clown on this post or debate me in my askbox #also do not fucking tag this as 'q slur'. blacklist the actual word 'queer' if you don't like it asshole.

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onlyseokmins · 2 years

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🛑 PLEASE READ!!!! 🛑

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kenobihater · 3 years

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You’re (Probably) Drawing Archers Wrong

Hello, my name is Len and I’ve shot archery as a hobby for as long as I can remember. I have a problem: fanart depicting archery is oftentimes Very Wrong! I feel like most of this stems from not using good reference pictures, and from a general lack of knowledge. So, I wanted to create a post for anyone interested in accurately drawing an archer! Disclaimer: this is not a comprehensive post or a tutorial on how to shoot, and is intended for artists. That said, if you’re interested in archery, you may still find value in this post, though I recommend doing your own research. I’m certain there will be errors here considering I do this as a hobby not a profession, and I welcome corrections. Finally, archery can be dangerous, and even if you don’t read any more of this post, PLEASE read the safety section.

Safety

This part is going to be a PSA, because the thought of someone reading my post, getting into archery themselves, and doing these things? It terrifies me. So, rules number one, two, and three are: never aim at another person (duh), never use a damaged bow or arrows, and never, NEVER dry fire a bow. Dry firing means drawing back and releasing the string without an arrow. This can make your bow EXPLODE. It can hurt you, and even if your bow doesn’t explode, it’s fucked it up so bad that you should never shoot that bow again. Don’t do it, and don’t draw art of people doing it. Okay, PSA done, now onto the rest of the post.

There’s a TL;DR at the bottom!

First thing’s fist: the equipment! Archery requires four things: a bow, a quiver, arrows, and protective equipment (which is usually what I see most posts lacking). The first thing you should do before you draw your archer is decide what type of bow to give them. I’m not covering crossbows because I’ve only shot one once and I also Hate Them. There are three main types of bows: longbows, recurves, and compounds.

Bows

There are two different types of bows that are commonly called a longbow: English longbows, and flatbows (yes I’m considering flatbows a type of longbow to simplify things). English longbows are very large and have a very high draw weight (which means it’s hard to pull the sting back). These were used mainly by the English in the Middle Ages. Flatbows are typically smaller and have a lower draw weight as well as a slightly different profile. These were mainly used by Native American tribes such as the Hupa, the Karuk, and the Wampanoag, as well as prehistoric Europeans and the Finnish, among others. It is often seen in historical fiction and fantasy, and the English longbow is usually depicted as Robin Hood’s preferred bow type. I believe Katniss uses a flatbow in the beginning of Hunger Games, but don’t quote me on that.

Recurves have limbs that curve outwards and are smaller than longbows. Many, many cultures have used these, including but not limited to certain West-coast Native American tribes, the Mongols, the Scythians, the Greeks, the Turks, the Koreans, and the Chinese. Recurves can be made of either wood or of a combination of wood, horn, and glue, making them either composite or non-composite. These are the bows you typically see mounted archers using, and are often used in competitions today. It’s commonly seen in fantasy, and is the bow type used by Legolas, Tauriel, Katniss Everdeen in Mockingjay, Merida, Green Arrow has a lever action, and Hawkeye uses a silly collapsible one.

Compound bows are the most commonly used bow among hunters, are almost always made of fiberglass and either carbon fiber or aluminum, are Technical Looking, and pack the biggest punch for the least amount of effort. It’s a modern invention used worldwide. I don’t know where else to put this, but almost everyone who I know that shoots a compound uses something called a trigger release (pictured below) to draw back the string because it means your release is cleaner.

So, those are the main types of bow! Google which bow would be appropriat for the era and region your character is from, or if they’re from space or an alternate dimension, pick whichever you think fits the character the best.

Quivers

There are two types of quiver: back quivers, like Legolas wears, and hip quivers, like those used in the Olympics. Which quiver you should use varies from culture to culture and time period to time period. If it’s fantasy, set in modern day, or set in the future, you can chose whichever you prefer.

Arrows

Arrows can have shafts of wood or fiberglass, can have real feathers or synthetic for fletching, and can have countless different types of heads. The main two that are in use today are called field points and broadheads, and most commercial arrow shafts allow you to freely switch them out.

The arrow on the top is a field point, used only for target practice, and the arrow on the bottom is a broadhead, used only for hunting or war. You never hunt with a field point, and never practice with a broadhead. Basically every fictional character out there is shooting to kill, so they’ll all use either a broadhead, or a culturally appropriate variation of deadly arrowhead (bodkin, scythian, flint, etc). Do your research! A Native American wouldn’t use a bodkin, and a Scythian wouldn’t use a flint arrowhead!

Protective Equipment

The one really necessary piece of protective equipment is hand protection. If your character uses a three fingered draw or a pinch draw (we’ll speak on draws later), they need either an archery tab, or an archery glove. If your character is using a thumb draw, they need a thumb ring. These three pieces of equipment keep archers from getting blisters and damaged skin.

This is a tab.

This is the type of glove that I use. All an archery glove needs to do is protect your three draw fingers, but it can be more traditionally glove-like than this one. I’ve even seen ones that are a combination leather bracer and archery glove that give big Fantasy Vibes.

This is a ring. Some historical ones can get REAL ornate and pretty.

Another piece of protective equipment that is commonly used is an arm guard or a bracer. Not everyone uses one, because if your form is good the string should not be hitting your arm, so you can get away with not giving your character one. They can vary in style from something like the more minimal one below up to a full leather bracer.

Form

Form can vary greatly and I’m not about to diss other archery disciplines especially ones I’m ignorant on, so just know that not every culture has the same form. I’m just going to cover a few cultures’ variations, and what I’ve been taught by 21st century Midwest archers. There are several aspects to form, as form is just another term for “everything pertaining to how you shoot”. I’m going to break it down into stance, posture, draw, elbow discipline, holding the bow, and anchor. These are not the only aspects of form (there’s aiming, release, and breath control), but these are the only relevant aspects to drawing archers. I will not be covering mounted archery because I’m sadly ignorant on the topic. I recommend doing your own research and looking into Mongolian mounted archery.

Stance

The thing all stances have in common is that you should put your feet a shoulder-length apart, balance your weight equally between both feet, keep your knees slightly bent, and stand facing approximately 90 degrees away from your target. There are three stances that are common that I’m aware of: squared, open, and closed.

Squared stance means keeping both feet squared up to an imaginary line. Open means that you’re facing slightly towards the target. Closed means you’re facing slightly away. I vary between square and open, and to be honest I’ve never noticed a difference. So long as you draw your character standing with a stable stance, facing away from the target, you should be good.

Posture

Your posture should be with your back straight, your hips squared, and should never have you leaning. Below is one of my favorite archery pictures, not only because I love Marilyn, but because it is a great illustration of what not to do posture wise.

See how she’s leaning back? Yeah, don’t draw your character like that, it looks foolish.

Draw

There are four different types of draw that I’m aware of, I’m educated on three, and I have experience with one (though I’m itching to learn to thumb draw). The types of draw are three fingered draw, otherwise known as Mediterranean draw, pinch draw, thumb draw aka Mongolian draw, and Japanese draw, or torikake. I know fuck all about Japanese draws, so I’m not going to speak out of my ass on topics I don’t understand (if anyone reading practices traditional Japanese archery I would love if you chimed in!). I highly recommend doing your own research on which civilization your character comes from and which draw they use, especially if it’s Japanese because I’m not covering that here.

First up is three-fingered. This is the draw I use, and it’s the most common draw in my limited experience in the Midwestern archery community. It is common in Europe and the Middle East. It requires you to use three fingers, partially wrapped around the string. You do not pinch the arrow. Most people place their index finger above the arrow and their middle and ring finger below, though I’ve seen all different variations. If your character is right handed and uses this draw, draw the arrow on the left side of the bow. Lefties do the inverse, and make sure and draw a left handed bow while you’re at it.

Next is the pinch draw. I’ve never shot with this, nor seen it used. It was common in the Americas and for a time in Ancient Greece. You’re supposed to physically pinch the arrow between your thumb and index finger. Your character would need a full archery glove if you draw them with this grip. The release is supposed to be smooth because there’s only one point of contact, rather than three. I believe you would place the arrow on the right side of the bow when using this technique, but I cannot speak with certainty as I’ve never seen it done (again, lefties would do the opposite).

Last but not least is the thumb or Mongolian draw, though it is/was also widespread in Korea, China, Russia, Persia, Turkey, and the Roman and Byzantine Empires. In this draw you wrap your thumb completely around the string and tuck it behind your other fingers. You do not grab the arrow. This draw utilizes your strongest digit, and so it may be less strenuous than other draws. This draw is commonly used with mounted archery. If your character is right handed and using this draw, put the arrow on the right side of the bow (lefties, do the inverse).

Elbows

Another aspect of your draw that is important is elbow discipline. The elbow of your character’s string hand should not point up into the air. It should point straight back, like the picture below.

Now, the other elbow is important, too. Don’t draw them with a locked elbow, instead keep it slightly bent and rotated inwards, like the picture below.

Holding the Bow

Your character shouldn’t have a death grip on the bow. Instead, show it resting in the curve between the thumb and index finger. Here’s a wikihow article that describes the different ways to hold different types of bows that is more succinct than I could ever be. Ignore the crossbow (derogatory).

Anchor

Everyone needs an anchor. What’s an anchor, you ask? An anchor is a fixed spot that you draw your string back to whenever you’re going to shoot. It’s necessary in order to ensure consistency, which is accuracy’s best friend. Your anchor spot can vary. I anchor at the corner of my lip. Some people anchor underneath their chin. Some anchor to their ear. I’ve even seen some people in Asian disciplines anchor behind the ear or almost above the head, which is incredibly impressive. Bottom line, unless your character’s archery discipline has them draw behind the ear or above the head, you need to have them touching their head somewhere. The only wrong anchor is a short anchor. If you can’t draw the string back far enough to touch your face, that means you’re either trying to draw back a bow with too high a poundage, or the draw length is too short for you. The picture above of the person with the compound trigger release has a good anchor point on their face. The picture of the person with the arm guard has a good anchor point under their chin.

This person, on the other hand? Their anchor is out in space, that is to say they don’t have one (also their elbow discipline, posture, and stance are atrocious). I see this in fanart ALL THE TIME. It’s a pet peeve of mine. Don’t do this, have them anchor to their head or behind it somewhere.

Carrying The Bow

The best way is to just carry it in your hand by the bow (not the string). You can give your character a bow sling, or a back mount like Legolas has as well. You can slip the string over your shoulder and wear it across your back in a pinch, though this may damage the string. The only really wrong way to carry a bow is by the string, though you can damage your bow carrying it on your back if you’re stupid, and I’ve never tried to do so with a compound. Too pokey.

TL;DR

If you’re drawing a fantasy character, go buck wild. Still make sure to give them the right type of arrowhead, hand protection of some sort, a strong stance (no kneeling or sitting), good posture, a sensible draw, elbow discipline, an anchor point (don’t be like the person above!), and a good way to carry their bow, but you can have fun with the rest. If you’re drawing a character from history, research the archery discipline they would most likely use, and draw them with the appropriate bow type, quiver, arrows, protective equipment, stance, posture, draw, elbow discipline, anchor, and bow carry.

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