#sometimes i wonder why am i like this

[justanspecialist]

It's the Twins birthday so I made this to celebrate

#sometimes i wonder why am i like this #saint seiya #gemini saga #gemini kanon #gold saints #gemini twins

[inkskinned]

you wanted to be a good friend, because you loved your friends, but the truth was that everyone else somehow had a pamphlet on being normal that you never received. most of the time you learn by trial-and-error. you are terrified of the next big mistake you make, because it seems like the rules are completely arbitrary.

you've learned to keep the prickly parts of your personality in a stormcloud under your bed - as if they're a second version of you; one that will make your friends hate you. it feels feral, burning, ugly.

instead, you have assembled habits based on the statistical likelihood of pleasing others. you're a good listener, which is to say - if you do speak up, you might end up saying the wrong thing and scaring off someone, but people tend to like someone-who-listens. or you've got no true desires or goals, because people like it when you're passive, mutable. you're "not easy to fluster" which is to say - your emotions are fundamentally uninteresting to others around you; so you've learned to control them to a degree that you can no longer really feel them happening.

you have long suspected something is wrong with you, but most of the time, googling doesn't help. you are so-used to helping-yourself, alone and with no handbook. the reek of your real self feels more like a horrible joke - you wake up, and, despite all your preparations, suddenly the whole house is full of smoke. the real you is someone waiting to ruin your other-life, the one where you're normal and happy. the real-self is unpredictable, angry.

your real self snarls when people infantilize the whole situation. because if you were really suffering, everyone seems to think you'd be completely unable to cope. but you already learned the rules, so you do know how to cope, and you have fucking been coping. it's not black-and-white. it's not that you are healed during the other times - it's just that you're able to fucking try. and honestly, whenever you show symptoms, it's a really fucking bad sign.

because the symptoms you have are ugly and unmanageable for others. your symptoms aren't waifish white girl things. they're annoying and complicated. they will be the subject of so many pretentious instagram reels. if they cared about you, they'd just show up on time. you care, a lot, so deeply it burns you. you like to picture a world where the comments read if they loved you, they'd never need glasses to see. but since that's a rule you've seen repeated - "one must never be late or you are a bad friend" - you constantly worry about being late and leave agonizingly early. there are no words for how you feel when you're still late; no matter how hard you were trying.

so you have to make up for it. you have to make up for that little horrible real you that you keep locked in a cabinet. you are bad at answering emails so every project you make has to be perfect. you are weird and sensitive so you have to learn to be funny and interesting. you are an inconvenience to others, so you become as smooth as possible, buffing out all the rough parts.

all this. all this. so people can pass their hands over you and just tell you just the once -how good you are. you're a good friend. you're loveable.

#spilled ink #woke up at 530 to write this lmafo #me in a cold sweat: #how do i be normal #edit in the tags: #hey so i've seen y'all talk about like ... wondering if ur ''allowed'' to relate #like if this is about X specific diagnosis #and when i first posted it i really almost labelled it ''please don't assume this is about a specific condition'' #because as an artist i am often walking this line of discussing a symptom or discussing my conditions etc #and sometimes yes ! i do want to talk about an experience that is specific to who i am and my condition #but sometimes the effort of the post is about the EXPERIENCE rather than the diagnosis #because yes i am not neurotypical and as a result that influences my work but it is ALSO true that there are many reasons #why someone might experience this particular vague horrible feeling that you are... almost being CHASED by what you ''really'' are. #that you're outrunning your symptoms... that you're not really normal you're just sort of a mockery of a person #.... that's a really isolating and horrible way to feel no matter why you are feeling it. and the nature of this PARTICULAR post is that #it is inherently talking ABOUT that sense of isolation & of feeling not-deserving & of minimizing your own experiences to make urself #palatable for society in a way that others find easy-to-deal-with.... #this post is about a certain experience such that my impression is there's a higher likelihood that those who relate #would have more difficulty thinking they ''deserve'' to relate - that it doesn't REALLY belong to them #bc often we are the kind of people who are SO used to being alienated and set aside and ''different'' that we AUTOMATICALLY assume #that things are not ''for'' us... they never have been why would it start now #we are the kinds of people to be ... ''too normal for X diagnosis but too symptomatic to be normal'' #[or as this post points out... so good at ''coping''/masking/hiding it that we essentially conform to whatever shape we're poured into] #but i have witnessed others already say in the tags ''thought this was about me but it's about X so it can't be'' #and im like ... of course it was about you. #art is not a resource that is diminished by greater appreciation . #you reflect in whatever mirror fits your frame. not just the ones in your bedroom. not just the ones i specifically give you. #there will be - and often are - times that i will talk about my specific conditions... but if you're reading this #regardless of why you're here... we are here together. holding hands through space and time. and i love you for carrying it #and i know you're exhausted. i am too. but i understand. and i see you.

[beanghostprincess]

There's just something so inherently beautiful about the way Luffy loves Sanji. Because his perception of Sanji, at the end of the day, is always "he's a good person". Plain. Simple. Easy like that. "You're just like that" is what Luffy tells him. He's just, basically, a kindhearted soul. And he could quite literally list all of his qualities, but he doesn't because he doesn't need to. Why would he do that when the best description for his cook is just saying he has a good heart? The way Luffy perceives Sanji is just so beautiful to me because, while Sanji sees himself as somebody unworthy of love and easily dispensable, Luffy sees him as the representation of kindness itself. For Luffy, food is the epitome of happiness and love. Hunger means wanting something. Eating means taking something you want. And food as a concept means being full. Hunger itself is a need your body asks for, and Luffy has never been shy about it and he takes and takes and enjoys himself until he's completely full. Sanji has been hungry his whole life but has never, not even once, thought about eating out of pleasure, but only need. His job is to cook and to serve and not to eat. And Luffy sees that as the most selfless act of kindness. To create and give food to the ones who need it and want it. Sanji makes others happy, and Luffy can't understand why he keeps depriving himself of the food (happiness) he makes. He does these things out of plain, simple kindness and without expecting anything in return, and Luffy sees that. Luffy sees Sanji's heart served on a silver platter because that's what Sanji offers him every time. And Luffy doesn't want Sanji's heart or selfless acts of kindness. He wants Sanji to be kind without harming himself in the process and actually take what he wants for once (eating). Luffy doesn't get why he keeps torturing himself and giving his everything to others when he could just share it. Sanji has so much frustration and rage and pain and sadness he won't let himself feel, and Luffy is quite literally the definition of "If you need to be mean, be mean to me" (from the song 'I don't smoke' by Mitski) and "If you gave me all the anger you can't swallow I would eat it gladly for you, just don't choke" (I just thought about this thing I'm such a poet).

#the lusan feelingssss #i am very sad editing wci #'why do you keep making lusan edits if they make you so sad' i like suffering and pain next question #i don't talk enough about lusan and it's probably one of my favorite ships #sometimes i wonder if i like zolu or lusan better and i remember i ship the three of them together + usopp and i smile #also this whole thing is a metaphor for eds and i think it's obvious but yeah let me project my mental health on sanji #one piece #black leg sanji #monkey d. luffy #lusan #sanlu

[uncanny-tranny]

I jokingly thought before that reading Junie B. Jones as a kid turned me into a feminist, but unironically, it kind of did.

I honestly think it comes down to the fact that Junie B. was not only allowed to be "weird," but her character arc never concluded like other girl characters would. In other media featuring "weird girls," the girl always ended her arc tamed - by force or convince, she would be prettied up, she would smile and be polite, and she would never speak out of turn. She would be perfect then, and would shed her veneer of individuality with the freedom that is conformity. As a kid, I noticed that girls weren't permitted to be "weird" like boys were. So when I read Junie B. Jones, I loved that she was frankly just fucking weird. She said things out of turn, she was rambunctious and imaginative and she was a realistic portrayal of a little girl. I loved reading those books because the narrative taught her lessons without punishing her for being weird, if that makes sense. So often, narratives punished weird girls for the crime of being a socially unacceptable girl, not for any true wrongdoing like lying.

Anyway, I just think it's interesting, because I watched and read a ton of books and shows and movies featuring girls and women, but none of them truly empathized with (or even tried to empathize with) weird girls on their own merits and capabilities and terms, or embraced the idea of a "socially inept/unacceptable" girl without punishing her in some way for her supposed ineptitude.

#feminism #and like junie b. got in trouble A LOT but she wasn't punished FOR being weird (honestly i thought she was adhd as a kid) #i haven't read the books in WELL over a decade but this is what i truly remember liking about the books #and i felt as a kid it said something that she was a seeming rarity among the sea of other portrayals of girls #am i looking too deep into this? honestly i don't care #and it makes me wonder if all the pushback those books got was partially because junie b. wasn't an 'acceptable' girl #like she's no more 'out there' than the portrayals of little boys that are out there and there were lessons and things from what i remember #i'm not saying you HAVE to like the books by the way but i think sometimes other people can get really angry about GIRLS acting like kids #i was ranting about these books to my dad because he didn't like them but he did still let me read them so thanks dad 🫡🫡 #i just remember them being a huge part of my personal library because of how realistic and relatable junie b. was #like i acted really similarly to her when i was a kid and i felt like i was being understood (which is why i hc she's adhd/audhd/autistic)

[andromeddog]

more misc gow stuff

#my art #god of war #god of war ragnorak #atreus #kratos #mimir #gow #okay just older stuff bc i am traveling #listen i love gow but sometimes i have to wonder why these guys need like fifty belts and sashes and shit #everyone is so accessorized #anyway i think teen kratos and atreus should hang out

[sunspinecity]

its so crazy that staff was like "yeah we're adding the grand exchange shop to fix the rampant issue of ancient gene clutter!" and we were all like "yay!" and then they just. didn't fix the issue of clutter in the marketplace. which was what we all actually cared about. And now it's to the point where i've been camping this mp with 5 min timers for (no joke) the last 9 fucking hours trying to find Secondary Gene: Striation (MODERN) while every ancient variation has stocked plentifully and often. and when the next ancient inevitably comes out next month it's going to get even worse. like. Man.

#sometimes i wonder if they even play the damn game bc if they did they would realize how bad the mp is rn. ''chime they have personal accs'' #then why haven't they fixed this if they know. Like do they know. DO THEY KNOW? I dont know im going fucking insane rn man. 9 hours. #fr #flight rising #ancients #chimechatter #it did stock finally btw sometime during hour 9. im good i dont need it anymore. but like. Nine fuckin hours for a single gene. insane shit #what is so hard about just stuffing all the ancient genes in the grand exchange shop where theyre always stocked & can have dom discounts #& then leaving the treasure MP for the moderns. i am demoralized.

[thebigchips]

He had a long day at school

#and was kinda beaten #don't wake him up sh #tallest red #my art #invader zim #almighty tallest #elite red #sometimes when I have holidays I think when I come home from university early I have time to draw #and I wonder why I don’t #and then uni resumes and im like #ah. right #all I want is to sleep #besides this is my last semester and i am terrified of the future

[skitskatdacat63]

2023 Las Vegas Grand Prix - Qualifiying - Fernando Alonso

#half asleep making these istg #yayyyy p9? idk ig i expected him to do better #old man asleep at the wheel whats new 😴 #he was very quick w this interview i wonder if he was eager to get to bed #i certainly am rn #f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #2023 las vegas gp #(i wish i could atop feeling insecure abt my gifs. i do it for fun.) #(of course i want them to look somewhat good but i get a bit ill over it) #(there was somw drama on here at some point that made me want to completely stop posting then ngl) #(cause like what is the point if im not as good as others ig :/ this is kinda vague posting but it made me so uncomfortable) #(as i said. i do it for fun in quick time bcs yay jsut wanna post smth i found cute) #(but ever sincce that thing happened its just made me extremely self critical and insecure abt posting) #(idk why im saying this. kinda repressing the urge tk be like 'SRY THESE ARE TERRIBLE. YEAH.') #(i need to sleep. but i often feel like this literally every time i post now bcs some people get on their high horse and ruin people's fun) #(iykyk ig. its smth bothering me lately. but i hate to act so morose. but i still feel bad abt the quality sometimes. i guess.) #we do a little bit of f1

[cinamun]

#istg #sometimes it feels like I am the only one calling out anti-blackness on simblr #its wild to me #y'all will have links to the shit and still be like #well.... i need another opinion #or there's two sides #there are NEVER two sides when it comes to #anti-blackness #periodt #i hate finding out that y'all still associate with dreamstatesims #after all them receipts from last year #and then y'all wonder why you cant see my blog anymore #smh #ignore me

[dergeistvond]

AM's need for viscerality and human experience in the audio drama perplexes me due to the flawed experience a god-like machine could yearn for, while I, among fellow mysanthrophists, flesh and bone yearn to rid myself of my humanity and the heaviness of a human form. It's undoubtedly hard to be human, and submitting to a machine, abandoning ache and strain, age and blood, disease and anguish, it seems dream like, to not be held back by the fragility of being just a man. And yet - this omnipresent, immortal, everpowerful machine, cold, calculated, metal and pure logic, no routine, no confinement, yearns for this? THIS? Like yearing to be holy, a christians need is to become a saint, as machines are an atheists angels, have I found the same issue in a different form? Do we really all yearn to be more, than this? Than flesh and bone and veins and marrow? is this really all there is? Does a machine see more in a man, the way a man sees more in a machine?

#I HAVE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS #I feel like shit sometimes being human okay and now included #No fucking wonder why I got attched to the machine #AM and I have the same issue in different perspectives #Those who knew me for a long while know my predicament and relationship to my human nature since like 2018 #i have no mouth and I must scream #ihnmaims

[stinkyme]

there are two thoughts inside my brain rn

first one, I need Nikolai to put on a clown/jester make up and let me ride his face stupid until it's all ruined

second one, he is the type to sneak up behind you and poke your ass w his cock and be like "guess who is it"

i lied, there are three thoughts

third one is pumpkin carving w him 😔😔 he would make them either adorable or fucking terrifying, no in between

jk, I had a fourth thought of him breaking up w you and then got an urge to write some awful angst, but luckily, I have requests to work on 🫡

#stinkytalks #sometimes i look at him and i wonder why i even like him but i think that's what love is all about #jk :3 he my little cutie potato he would make me laugh and i need someone to make me laugh bcs lord knows i am at my limit

[caruliaa]

just bc im a lesbian doesnt mean tht i wont at times become deeply entranced with the beauty of male actor or character. it just means i wld rather be locked in a room with a man with a knife than do anything romantic or sexual with one

#NO OFFENCE TO MEN AS PEOPLE THAT EXIST. but also i shldnt have to say tht after saying this yk #also b4 u say ooh ur aro tho why do u need to specifcy u wldnt do anything romantic w a man when i wldnt with a woman either #i am actually pretty romance favorable. like i would be in a romantic relationship with a woman if it wldnt ruin my life #with how it is rn . i think i like and want all the parts tht make up a romantic relationship i just dont experince romantic attraction #but anyway i was here to talk abt my sexuality not my romantic orientation #this post was originally like 'im remembering why there was such a huge overlap with my og major starkid hyperfixation #and me identifing as bisexual' but the thing is is the main main guy from starkid i remember being attracted too #was infact . rob. and thats aged badly bc of it being revealed that hes a fucking creep since then #but also just now not that we should ignore tht but regardless of that i just. dont see it at all #maybe it is that news subconsiously turning me off him but i really dont see that much what i liked abt his appearance #but who rly inspired this post to me is infact . jeff blim ? which is suprising just from the fact tht i dont ever remember #having tht big of a crush on him with that og starkid hyperfixation. but well he is a very beautiful man . giggling a little bit. sorry . #also becoming a bit obsessed with joey richter but thts just standard lesbian obssesion with a weird little man #not attractive to me im just obssesed with him. hi #also posting this now so when i finally watch the fnaf movie i can rb it abt josh hutcherson #anyway. does anyone read these tags do these long rants i go on like. turn ppl off of my posts. sometimes i wonder #flappy rambles

[uncanny-tranny]

Honestly, I do think it's kind of funny when cis people talk about how Big Trans is forcing them to date, bed, or be friends with trans people because, truly, most of us wouldn't have wanted to be around them, anyway.

If you don't want to be seen as transphobic, there are ways to state your desires without being seen as transphobic. However, you can't have it both ways: treating trans people as second-class people while also not being seen as a bigot while doing so. You need to make your peace with that if you are going to go about this in a transphobic way.

#ally advice #lgbt #lgbtq #transphobia #transphobia tw #like i get how complex the conversation can be for some people... #...but sometimes i wonder if it's a matter of the conversation being complex... #...or because people want so desperately to be bigoted without being treated any worse because of it... #...in short they don't want to be reminded about how shitty it is to treat PEOPLE like things or like parasites... #...because then you have two options... #...option one is to embrace that bigotry openly no matter the cost... #...and option two would be to actually reflect on WHY it is that bigotry - and specifically their - bigotry is wrong actually #like whenever i have talked to other trans people about this we ruminate and laugh about our own experiences with it because it's ridiculou #and it just seems like the Cis Gaze into transness and what they assume it looks like. #i don't have a better word besides cis gaze because it objectifies mystifises and seperates the trans experience from Everybody Else #anyway it is sometimes amusing to see but it is ultimately not trans people's fault if you aren't ~into~ us to any capacity #so i am critical of the idea that trans people need to Remeber How Hated We Are to the point of our own detriment #anyway we will simply move on without you and we will yet live (and ball all the while)

[irisbaggins]

Spoilers ahead, y'all!

Whilst I did make a post about timelines and possible magic and extension of life, somehow, the simple explanation escaped me completely. Especially as someone who lives in Norway, where Winter is half of the year.

When were Lila and Jaysohn born, if they knew their dad half their life? Early Winter. Geoffrey probably died sometime right before Spring, where the snow is still thick and the air still freezing. Let's say, if the plot of the story takes place in September-October, Geoffrey died in March-April, with the kids born around December-January. It would, actually, explain everything. We know, from Viola, that these stoats don't follow normal stoat mating patterns; Viola is having her kids in Autumn. Therefore, who's to say Tula couldn't have Lila and Jaysohn in Winter? They're sapient creatures, who can think and plan. We also get the small glimpse that Tula knows that they may have some control over when they get pregnant, but not always. Who's to say it didn't happen to her, too? What if, that Winter was where Tula gained so much, and nearly lost everything in one moment.

Although, I still believe Ava is overestimating her own age just so she can get away with more things.

#text_loke #meta from loke #Burrow's End #Burrow's End Spoilers #Burrows End #Burrows End Spoilers #Dimension 20 #Dimension 20 Spoilers #i still like my earlier theory. but this one fits more nicely. and i like it more #as someone who experienced the Cold in September-October and how their joints became painful. yeah #we can even have winter 'til May. which is why Northern bunads are thick and warm #it be SNOW in May sometimes #i'm just confused how people can be confused tbh. i was so focused on Normal Stoats to focus on the in-story stoats #they're magic and sapient. why can't they just...be pregnant any time of the year? #also means Thorn met Viola in spring. which feels poetic #ava is a troll and making herself older on purpose #aabria's mind is bloody wonderful. this story crafted is beautiful #and whatever explaination is true i am just happy to experience it all #i love this world so much

[stewiefanumtax]

me after speding acutal time out of my night to write lore for this stupid ass emo ezekiel fuck i made in 10 minutes

#total drama #tdi #total drama island #ezekiel td #ezekiel tdi #ezekiel total drama #total drama ezekiel #td ezekiel #literally its like almost 3 in the morning why the fuck am i doing this #sometimes i question the things my brain is capable of and wonder if just because i can make it doesnt mean i should #well its already too late to sleep so i guess its staying up all night for me

[fisheito]

really enjoy seeing the comments whenever i post sopping yakumo the reactions are immediate like all the yakumo enjoyers wriggle out of the dirt and experience Emotion together , loudly the chorus of AUUWWGHHHGHGHHH we are one

#i feel unity in this loam tonight #any time someone emotes over that wet creature i feel fulfilled #full time AND part time yakumo enjoyers gather to hold hands (or tails) and bully/care him.....together............ #look it just catches me off guard sometimes bc everyone has a diff fave #so whenever i see a strong reaction to yakumo #i remember... oh yeah.... i post a lot of yakumo..... there WOULD be yakumo fans on my blog #I AM DIGGING OUT A SPACE FOR YAKUMO LOSERS TO HYPERFIXATE. RIGHT. HERE. *points downward* #sometimes i wonder if i can profile fans of certain chars ... bc brain loves categories #like /oooo watch out a kuya fan/ or /eiden fans are such clowns [affectionate]/ #but everyone i've met so far is... onion. #unbelievable! why can't i stereotype groups of people according to Their Type!!! Like they got LAYERS>>?! #y'all out here with like. full complicated personalities and individual traits and stuff. how absolutely insufferable of u