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scoobydoodean · 1 year

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Curious since everytime i see your blog you place yourself as some sane anti bullying saint, what exactly is the point of sharing a post by someone solely complaining about who is reblogging their posts, i doubt the wincest tag was used ofcourse, they likely went and checked the blogs and are monitoring reblogs then had to make a declaration of how sick they are bcz someone rebogged the post. Is this not unfandom behaviour? If someone starts whining about interaction best thing to do is ignore ofcourse and they are entitled to say what they want and interact how they want (perhaps shouldn't run such a neutral public poll but whatevs) instead of provoking or sharing but anyways till this point what's your intent of haha so many wincest blogs on that post. Your entire blog is so reactionary as a dean stan and its fandom faction its just so weird to me how your entire stick is complaining about stans. But whatever. It just very much seems like an invitation to bully blogs for reblogging and existing.

Hi. I never intend to cast myself as an "anti bully saint". I try to be thoughtful about what I reblog and post, but I have absolutely come up short before, as we all do. I think we can all try to do better and be more thoughtful all of the time.

I make fun of stans, yes—including at times Dean stans and JA stans (who are very adjacent to my space). I find SPNblr and its many various little segments fascinating to explore in their depravity and complexity and everything. Sometimes SPNblr is hilarious, sometimes it's embarassing, sometimes it's toxic, sometimes it's utterly unhinged. I like to explore it with my telescope and my compass and my map. Regular old Dora the Explorer over here.

Speaking about all our various groups in general and certain elements in them (with no names, no identifying info) is very different from targeting individual specific people and their posts by screenshotting them to mock them behind a person's back in a circle, or sending people hate mail. Wincest shippers have received a lot of hate in the SPNblr space, but that does not make them a protected class who I am not allowed to talk about in a general sense when they Do Things™️. Among some wincest shippers, there is an extreme amount of cognitive dissonance about what exactly some of the other people in the space are like and a naive belief that conduct is always appropriate in that community, and that is simply not true.

All of that said, let me tell you what happened in the christ-figure bracket, because I was there, Gandalf—before OP erased the evidence of what was going on. OP made a single post expressing discomfort, which I thought was funny. I reblogged it because I thought it was funny. It seemed to me based on their tone, that OP was approaching the situation with humor. I may be wrong about that. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ However, the reaction to what they said was over the top from some individuals. I think a lot of people didn't see what went on however because OP deleted it pretty fast, but I did see it because it was still there on my first reblog.

In the notes of that post, there were, in fact, several wincest shippers fucking with OP trying to get themselves blocked on purpose. There were 3-4 reblogs with gifs and/or text referencing wincest including something to the effect of, "I hope Sam got Dean to fuck him on Easter Sunday". These things were stated in an attempt to mock and upset the OP and bait a block. I reblogged the same post again talking to my friend in tags, and said, #prev#there were so many wincest shippers on that post when I reblogged it. OP blocked them all now. Pretty funny.#but also sorry op RIP inbox/notifs. When I said that, I did not mean wincest shippers just existing on the post and reblogging things and getting blocked for it. I meant some wincest shippers intentionally trying to upset the OP with what they were adding to the post. By that point, OP had blocked those accounts. Then someone sent OP some fanfiction. I'm not sure if that occurred on the previous post or was DM'd to them. This got Sam kicked out of the christ-figure poll entirely. This is both extremely funny to me, and also I think a deserved outcome for the people who were being Like That™️, who did happen to come from the wincest community.

#mail #wincest mention cw #incest mention cw #<-quoting something said in particular under the cut #fandom history #also:#hate mail #<- forgot to tag before for wank sorry

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shankhachil · 1 year

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do yyou have any tips for studying eng 2 im going to kill myself because of this im literally thinking of not even opening act4 s1 because it's so tedious i cannot study this also english 2 grading is fucking terrible fpr prelims i got. fucking 45/80 because tje teacher said i wasn't specific enough thats 29 marks less than my english 1 score amd im about to throw hands at that fuck bassanio

My tip for studying Eng 2 is do Not leave out act 4 scene 1 that is literally the most important scene. The scene you can afford to leave out is I think act 5 scene 1 but the problem there is that there's still a chance of both questions coming from that scene. At this point see as many other schools' preboard papers as you can, because the drawback of the Indian education system is also beneficial in that it's so fucking predictable.

In general for merchant of venice, don't leave anything out, I know it's boring sometimes but this is why we have 13 days till the exam. Every day tackle one of the sections and look veryyy closely at who said what and who did what and what metaphors are used. It's not ideal but again, our qp is going to be 75% textual. Look particularly at Act 3 scene 2 full, since there are a LOT of metaphors that Portia and Bassanio use. Break Act 4 scene 1 into three parts: 1) Before Portia and Nerissa's arrival, 2) Before Portia finds the loophole and 3) After Portia finds the loophole. This will help you to isolate particular happenings such as Shylock justifying why he wants Antonio's flesh, Portia's mercy speech, and the verdict given by the Duke and its justification as well as Shylock's punishment followed by his "pardon".

For poems, I think the best thing that can be done is memorizing them. That way you'll be able to think more clearly and properly while writing answers, since you can refer to the text in your head. We don't have Television or any of those very long poems in the syllabus so this is something that can be feasibly done — Daffodils, Abou ben Adhem, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, Nine Gold Medals, The Patriot are all more or less easy to commit to memory. Particularly for I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings and Daffodils, look at analysis online and look at the textual questions as well as the 4-markers from other schools, because these are difficult to isolate. (For Daffodils there was one question I saw that was something along the lines of "How is the poem's message significant in the post-pandemic world?")

For prose, you obviously can't memorize the whole thing but the best thing you CAN do is memorize parts. First of all remember every character's appearance. How did the match girl look? How did Joe Thompson look? How did Sibia look? For The Blue Bead, you need to divide the story's descriptions into parts: the crocodile, Sibia, the market, the Gujars, the women going to work, the Gujar woman's attack. For All Summer in a Day, be absolutely sure to remember the children's reactions to sunlight, as well as how they played in the sun. Note Margot's appearance, the reasons she was bullied in general and the way she was bullied on the day the sun came out.

And note that of course this is just my opinion and the way I'm doing it, there might be better ways but well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#asks :D #nike #literature is worrying me too yaar #my teacher says that i tend to write too much and obscure the main points only #but we can do it i think

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little-smartass · 3 years

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THE VAMPIRE LESTAT COVER ALBUM - the legendary Vampire Lestat is back and bigger and badder than ever, this time bringing a whole album of song covers ranging from classic bangers to newer fresh takes on chart hits! get your copy now, complete with a transcript of the artist's commentary on each song!

(songs I think Lestat would cover and release as an album in an attempt to re-kickstart his career and/or make some sort of dramatic statement to Louis. tracklist and "artist commentary" under the cut)

Survival - Muse

“And I’ll reveal my strength, to the whole human race, yes I am prepared, to stay alive, and I won’t forgive, and vengeance is mine, and I won’t give in, because I choose to thrive! Yeah I’m gonna win!”

Oh, I wish this song had been around back on that opening night at the Cow Palace - how apt that would have been! What a fucking anthem! They would have been rioting all night. I mean, they already were, but, like, because of the music. Not because vampires were being immolated in the middle of the crowd. Different kind of riot.

The Bitch Is Back - Elton John

“I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch, oh the bitch is back, stone cold sober as a matter of fact, I can bitch, I can bitch, ‘cause I’m better than you, it’s the way that I move, the things that I do!”

One day I want to have this play as I walk into Night Island. I’ll time it perfectly so that I throw off my coat - my denim jacket, or- oh, no, a fur! Maximum drama! - just as the chorus starts. Armand will know that I’m coming of course, but I think that’ll just make it even better. And I have good memories to this song... [muffled question] Sorry, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell, bébé. [laughter]

Everybody Loves Me - OneRepublic

"Oh my, feels just like I don’t try, look so good I might die, all I know is everybody loves me, head down, swaying to my own sound, flashes in my face now, all I know is everybody loves me”

Look, do I even need to explain this one? Didn’t think so.

Bad Reputation - Joan Jett

"I don't give a damn ‘bout my reputation, I've never been afraid of any deviation, and I don't really care if you think I'm strange, I ain't gonna change - and I'm never gonna care bout my bad reputation"

This one's fairly self-explanatory again. It could have been my personal anthem when I was mortal quite honestly. And it's an awful lot of fun to jump about and headbang to, don't you think? That's a new thing I've found out about, headbanging. People have been hopping about to music looking like fools for centuries but now there's a name for it. Fantastic.

bad guy - Billie Eilish

"I’m that bad type, make your mama sad time, make your girlfriend mad type, might seduce your dad time… I’m the bad guy. Duh.”

Creepy? Check. Sexy? Check. Tongue-in-cheek? Check check. This song was great and a lot of fun to cover.

Lover to Lover - Florence + the Machine

“I believe there’s no salvation for me now, no space among the clouds, and I feel I’m heading down, but that’s alright, that’s alright, that’s alright”

I don’t know, this one just felt very relevant. Also the piano was great to do. You might have noticed that I’ve picked a lot of songs with piano, and that’s because I bullied the studio into getting me a goooooorgeous grand piano for the recording space and I wanted to use it as much as possible!

Feeling Good - Muse

“Stars when you shine, you know how I feel, scent of the pine, you know how I feel, oh freedom is mine, and I know how I feel”

I just really like this song - I’ve done a cover of an excellent cover! Can- can you put emojis in this? Do people still use emojis? Well imagine I’ve put the shrug one. Wait, isn’t there- Daniel, Daniel, come here, isn’t there a shrug emoji made up of keyboard- [muffled words] yes! The shrug one! Yes, put that in the transcription. [ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ] I just like this song.

The Man - The Killers

“I got gas in the tank, I got money in the bank, I got news for you baby, you're looking at the man, I got skin in the game, I got a household name, I got news for you baby, you're looking at the man”

I feel like this one speaks for itself too. Can you put that shrug emoji thing in here again? [ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ] Yes!

J'ai Pas Envie - MIKA

J'ai pas envie, de faire comme si, comme les maris, qui disent oui, j'ai pas envie, j'ai pas envie, j'ai pas envie d'te faire plaisir, j'ai pas envie, j'ai pas envie, si tu m'aimes viens me le dire"

Look, I'm not going to translate the whole song for you, because it has all this clever wordplay you just totally lose in english… but the gist of it is that these two lovers are… at odds a lot. It's… it's maybe a little spiteful [laughter] but in a fun way! It's a fun song! Louis won't even be mad about it, it's MIKA.

Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy - Queen

"When I'm not with you, think of you always (I miss those long hot summer nights), when I'm not with you, think of me always, always"

[Long pause] God, I miss Freddie.

Let 'Em Talk - Kesha

Ah, full disclosure - I put this song in purely because of the expression Louis made when I played it in the car and it got to the line “can suck my dick” and she did that popping noise… it was incredible, and I just knew I had to cover it so I could see his expression when I said that. I can’t wait to play it to him. [laughter]

So What - P!nk

"So so what, I'm still a rockstar, I got my rock moves, and I don't need you, and guess what? I'm having more fun, and now that we're done, I'm gonna show you tonight, I'm alright, I'm just fine, (and you're a tool, so)"

I'm actually a big fan of nineties and noughties female stars - all that grrrrrrrl power, it's great fun, you know? I'd say this one is fairly self-explanatory, because I am still a rockstar! This is my new album! Fuck you EMP and your sniffy little article calling me "washed up"!

Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons

"But it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line, I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?"

This one could be self-deprecating, but it's also very vindictively angry at the same time, and that's a combination I definitely get. Like, oh, it's my fault, isn't it? It's my fucking fault again, what a surprise. Perhaps "learn from your mother or you'll spend your days biting your own neck" is a little on the nose… [muffled words] you've read my books, right? [muffled words] Good, good.

Missy - The Airbourne Toxic Event

"But I swear there's still some good in me, I think if you'd stuck around you'd see, all the botched attempts at integrity I once had"

Oh, I was feeling philosophical when I picked this one. No, philosophical isn't the right word… melancholy? Do people still use that word? "I swear I swear I swear I'll never get sad" is both furiously defiant and yet so self-defeatingly ironic. [Exasperated noise] Enough of that. Next!

Please Don't Leave Me - P!nk

"I don't know if I can yell any louder, how many times have I kicked you out of here, or said something insulting? I can be so mean when I wanna be, I am capable of nearly anything, when my heart is broken… (please, please don't leave me)"

Oh, we’re… we’re getting to this section now. [clearing throat] Well, I have to make up for that sucking dick line, don’t I? Get a bit vulnerable. Oh God, why did I decide to do this bit? [muffled words] [bad chicago accent] But why buy the cow? Because you love him, you really do. [sigh, laughter]

Next To Me - Imagine Dragons

"Oh, I always let you down, shattered on the ground, still I find you there, next to me, and oh, the stupid things I do, I'm far from good it's true, still I find you, next to me"

Why did I- I don’t remember putting so many of these ones in.

Run To You - Pentatonix

"I've been settling scores, I've been fighting so long, but I've lost your war, and our kingdom is gone... how shall I win back your heart which was mine? I have broken bones and tattered clothes, I've run out of time"

[Sigh] [clears throat] Yeah. I think we can move onto the next one.

Love of My Life - Queen

“Love of my life, don't leave me, you've stolen my love, you now desert me, love of my life, can't you see? Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me, because you don't know, what it means to me”

I play this one sometimes on my baby grand when we've had a fight, and it's impossible for him to stay angry. He's a sucker for this sort of… formality in romance. God, I wish I'd realised that earlier. If I'd written him a letter in fancy copperplate script with scented paper and enclosed rose petals politely requesting him to bend me over his desk back in the day, it might not have taken two centuries of mutual blue balls for us to figure our shit out. Ah well, live and learn… as it were. [muffled words] Look, I did a whole bunch of vulnerable songs! Now I get to make sex jokes! [laughter] oh fuck off.

#Lestat de lioncourt #loustat #vampire chronicles #dead disasters #my mixes

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bakuroo-writings · 3 years

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❄ Genre: fluff

❄ warnings: little bit of angst, mostly fluff. Word count: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

❄ Summary: Spending a silent night with your long term boyfriend on Christmas Eve is exactly what you planned. What you didn’t plan was a heart to heart about the future but life has a magical way of working out sometimes. By Christmas night, Shinsou knows he got the only gift he ever needed.

Having had weeks to think about how you're going to tell the news to Shinsou, your college boyfriend of five years, and played out how exactly how it was going to go. Which is exactly why you were sitting with silent anticipation as Shinsou opened the small rectangular box that held the only gift you're giving him early, on Christmas Eve.

Unfortunately, the reaction he gives to seeing the positive pregnancy test is not the one you get. You expected him to smile brightly and hug you tightly and celebrate.

What you got? Panic. And fear.

"Please tell me this is just a joke, y/n. I. . . I can't be a father. I'm gonna mess the kid up. Even if everything is done right, I'd still mess the kid up if my quirk gets inherited. Everyone teased and bullied me for it. Called me a monster, said I'd be a villain. I can't do that to someone else. And there's no way I could be a good dad, even without my quirk being an issue."

At that admission, that being the thought residing in his head, you heart breaks for him. But it doesn't stop you from looking at him with so much love in your eyes and from wrapping your arms him, making him look at you.

"Hitoshi, baby, you are going to be the best dad because no one will love or protect our child the way you will. People said you'd be a villain but you have worked so hard to be a hero and I've seen that every day for the past five years. I see it every day still. And I know I will continue to see it. All those people in the past are so wrong about you. For five years, I've seen someone who is kind, and considerate, and gentle. The very opposite of monster and villain. You will be a great father and, no matter what, we'll do it together. I'm scared, too, but I know I can handle it with you. And that makes me feel excitement more than fear. I love you so much, Hitoshi. I wouldn't want this with anyone else."

Seeing only sincerity and love in your eyes, he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you to him, hugging you tightly, securely. You spend the next few hours just curled together on the couch, hot chocolate in your hand, his resting on your stomach, as he stares at you in the light from the Christmas tree, thinking about how glowing you are, how you've never looked more beautiful, and how lucky he is to have you.

You're shocked when he gets up suddenly, takes the hot chocolate from you to put on your coffee table, and walks to your stocking before coming back with something enclosed in his hand.

"I was going to do this tomorrow - had it all planned out - but I just can't wait any longer. You are the most amazing woman I've ever met. You've been so accepting and patient. You always know exactly what to say to ease my worries. You make me feel like I can be the best hero. I love you so much and I want to spend forever with you. And, now, you make me want to be the best father."

Getting down on his knee right by you, he opens what he had hidden in his hand - a ring box - and says, "So, y/n, light of my life, will you marry me?"

Happy tears forming in your eyes and being unable to speak, you just nod your head yes. He slips the ring on your finger and kisses you deeply.

"Thank you for saying yes."

"Of course I was gonna say yes. I love you. I can't wait to be married to you."

"Then don't."

"What?"

"Don't wait. Marry me tomorrow. I don't need anything fancy; I just need you. And nothing would make me happier than to marry you first thing tomorrow. We can have Midoriya and Uraraka meet us at our favorite park, right in front of the fountain, to be witnesses; Iida is still ordained from their wedding so he could marry us, too. What do you say?"

"I don't even have a dress. Or flowers. You don't have a tux."

"You have that white cocktail dress in our closet. Pair it with a jacket so you don't get cold. And I still have my tux from Midoriya's wedding."

"You thought of everything, huh? Okay! Let's do it! Let's get married tomorrow!"

The next morning, you both wake and immediately text Midoriya, Uraraka, and Iida to dress up and meet you at the park, as discussed the night before with a promise to explain when you see them.

Once they've confirmed, you and Shinsou start getting ready. Well, you get ready as Shinsou says he has a quick errand to run but he'll be back in 30 minutes.

You've done your hair, your makeup, and paired your white cocktail dress with white lace tights, white lace gloves, a cute, bright red trench coat and matching red ankle boots when Shinsou walks in, flowers in hand.

"What's that you've got there?"

He holds the flowers out to you as he explains, "You said you needed a bouquet. Hope poinsettias are okay."

Taking the flowers and giving him a quick peck, you reply, "They're perfect. Thank you. Now get your tux on!"

Five minutes later, he's dressed and you're both out the door. 25 minutes later, you show up and see everyone waiting for you.

Looking at everyone's faces, curiosity written in their features, you glance at Shinsou, who nods at you.

Not able to keep them in the dark any longer, you open your mouth and say, "Shinsou proposed last night! And we didn't want to wait any longer so, Iida, we were hoping you'd marry us. And, Midoriya, Uraraka, we were hoping you'd be the best man, matron of honor, and witnesses."

After them saying yes and giving you hugs of congratulations, you and Shinsou stand in front of Iida when Shinsou sees you starting to shiver.

"Hey, Iida, can we do the speed version? I'd like my wife to not be a popsicle."

"Of course. Then, Shinsou, your vows?"

"I'm gonna keep this short and sweet for you, doll, but you've brought so much joy and happiness to my life that I don't what I did to deserve you. Sometimes, I still think you're a dream I'm going to wake up from. But I vow to love and cherish and always be worthy of you. To always be your hero. I love you."

"Y/n, your vows?" Iida commands.

"Hitoshi, every day with you is magical. You take care of me and love in a way I've never been given before. You have my whole heart. I vow to take care of you, listen to your problems, always support you, and always tell you how amazing you are when you have doubts. I love you."

"Shinsou Hitoshi, do you take l/n f/n to be your wife?"

"I do."

"L/n f/n, do you take Shinsou Hitoshi to be your husband?"

"Always."

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Cheers fade into the background as Shinsou moves closer to cover your lips with his, dipping you as he does so.

Later that night, you're both back on your couch, hot chocolate on the coffee table, blanket covering you as you lean back against your new husband, his hand resting on your stomach.

Pressing his lips to your head, he then whispers in your ear, "Thank you for the only gift I'll ever need: a family of my own."

12 Days of Fluffmas taglist: @justadifferentfan @cherryonigiri @miyaniacs @taiyaaki @ariasnight @habi20212 @curiouslilbeast @nightlygiggless @anejuuuuoy @mariachiii @animediplomat @taurus852 @frenchspeakingfilipina @kyberhearts @luvyoomi @tokyosdawn

❄ strikethrough means couldn't tag

#shinsou x reader #shinsou hitoshi x reader #shinso x reader #shinso hitoshi x reader #bnha x reader #mha x reader #shinsou hitoshi #shinso hitoshi #shinsou #shinsou oneshot #12 days of fluffmas

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viciousgracearc · 3 years

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sh.adow & b.one thoughts ( contains spoilers! ) tw: racism ( this is just a thought dump and to explain why i’m not adapting the show’s racist elements in my portrayals )

disclaimer: just because i will not adapt the racist element as it appears in the show doesn’t mean i won’t acknowledge the book canon, in-universe prejudice and discrimination against the poc characters in grishaverse.

so. the racism in shadow and bone. having watched all of the show, i now have some mixed thoughts about it. in the books, alina is assumed to be white for the most part. it is only at the end when we ( or at least i ) suspected that she is not entirely ravkan, and then the casting confirmed it. the kind of racism alina ( and mal ) faced in the show was never a factor in the books, despite rampant anti-shu and anti-fjerdan sentiment. the suli are painted as people who are displaced and mostly neglected by the ravkan government, and definitely treated with prejudice, but as far as i recall there is no specific slur directed at them either in book canon.

however, whereas alina’s ethnicity is vague in the books, it is crystal clear in the show that she is a biracial woman. i know that for biracial folk, experiences vary across the board, especially if you’re a biracial person and an immigrant or a refugee. alina is a war orphan. her mother’s country of origin is at war with her current country of residence. to an extent, i understand the level of animosity ravkans have against people who look like the threat / the enemy. people of color face racism and prejudice day in and day out, sometimes from white people, sometimes from fellow people of color. this is a grim reality with a long and studied history of racism and racial superiority creating divides between minorities and pitting them against each other.

was the racism necessary to the plot? it definitely adds layers to it. you have an orphaned girl of color in a mostly white people country. they discriminate against her and her best friend for most of her life, using slurs such as “rice-eater” and “half-breed”. but this country has a huge problem, and it turns out only this orphaned girl of color can save them from it, despite them alienating her consistently. now they need her help, now they call her a saint. this girl, who based on show-canon, feels so different and abnormal from the rest of her peers because her ethnicity is always pointed out and considered a bad thing. now she has to be a hero for a country that despises her... and not only that, now she has to do it under the tutelage of a white man. white man looks older than her; there is an obvious imbalance in their power dynamic, but he looks at her like his hope come at last and places her on a pedestal she doesn’t ask for. this same white man puts a collar around her neck and then effectively subjugates her by taking control of her power.

it... it kinda sounds bad, doesn’t it? it does. “but wait,” the volcra screeches. “via, are you fucking stupid?” it asks. “that’s not how the story ends! she overcomes!”

well, yes. but does it really make the rest of it any less insidious? alina is denied food, consistently picked on, and mocked, for being half-shu. it is prevalent in her show storyline and difficult to ignore. and thus it will be woven into everything that happens to her, and every decision that she makes will in turn, make us, the viewers, look back on it even if she herself doesn’t do so explicitly. i know the intent of including this racism element into her ( and mal’s ) story is to portray an accurate depiction of the POC experience as they maneuver white or mostly white spaces, or just spaces not catered to their specific ethnicity. but does it work? is it necessary? the irregulars, which is also a netflix show, did a great job at casting a young chinese woman in a lead role and a black man as dr. john watson without ever having to define their characters or their capabilities to move in the world by their race alone. as a half-chinese woman myself, it was empowering to watch a chinese girl able to take the lead and make bold statements and brave decisions without ever being bogged down by the limitations of her race.

at the end of the day, it is a fantasy world. do you think if the racism isn’t there, the story’s going to be worse off than it is? personally, if they left it out, i think the story will be just fine. there are a lot of things that tie these characters together outside of their racial struggles, like... i don’t know, personality? circumstances? the need to save their country from a powerful tyrant? the struggle for survival in a constantly at-war nation? there is also the fact that this racism element they’ve introduced is inconsistent. so much directed against alina and mal because they want the viewers to sympathize with these two characters. some of it directed towards inej, another protagonist, whose story has a lot to do with how she was exploited because she is suli. but where’s the racism directed at zoya? at botkin? if there’s racism against the shu and if they call them rice-eaters, where’s the anti-fjerdan racism and what do they call fjerdans? ice-shavers? cold-dwellers? aren’t fjerdans ravka’s enemies too? but oh wait... fjerdans are white. nevermind.

speaking of zoya: in the books, especially in RoW, it was implied that she is white-passing, which is why she was never treated differently for being suli. however, show!zoya is NOT white-passing at all. she is very obviously a woman of color, and while i acknowledge that yes, poc can be racist against poc, i don’t really see zoya -- bully, mean girl, attention-starved, ambitious, ruthless zoya -- resulting to such a low blow. sujaya dasgupta herself admitted that in show canon, zoya experiences racism ( though it was never explicitly shown to us ), and consciously turns it against alina in the hopes of hurting another woman of color. don’t get me wrong, zoya is definitely a terrible person at the start of the series. she was classist and mean and she had a superiority complex, and that superiority complex comes from being a powerful grisha, something she worked hard for. she thinks alina doesn’t belong in the little palace, not because alina is shu, but because alina appears out of nowhere, is untrained but is already considered powerful / the solution to everyone’s problem, and has nabbed her old place as the darkling’s favored. the “you stink of keramzin” jab is more than enough to drive her point home and i don’t think “half-breed” is necessary at all. besides, from what it looked like, alina isn’t the only mixed-race grisha. grisha comes from all over, taking refuge in ravka because they’re the only nation that treats their grisha under acceptable conditions. so one would expect some diversity there, which zoya, having been at the little palace since age 9, would have been used to by now. i don’t really think there’s a lot of incentive for her in using a racial slur, and she’s lethal enough with words that she doesn’t need them to injure somebody.

“via, stop barking and tell us what you’re going to adapt in your portrayal!”

okay, well. personally, i’m not interested in including the show’s racist element in any of my characters’ storyline ( alina, zoya, mal, ehri ). i acknowledge the anti-shu, anti-fjerdan, and anti-suli sentiments as they appear in book canon, but i will not use alina’s ethnicity as the basis of her “otherness” because i like the book canon explanation for that better. nor will i acknowledge that zoya called alina a half-breed, because my zoya is not white-passing zoya, and she knows infinitely better ways to inflict verbal harm than racism. zoya will also be grappling with being half-suli because she was exposed to anti-suli sentiments by her own mother as a young child.

all my characters are of asian-adjacent ethnicities, and as an asian person myself, do you really think i am interested in reliving my traumatic racism experiences through the characters that i write in a fantasy world? with alina especially, it’s like she couldn’t breathe without someone pointing out that she’s half-shu. i think as much as it is important to show authentic poc experiences in art and media, it is also equally important to show poc solidarity, and to stop defining people by their race alone and to just let them exist as people.

it doesn’t help that the show’s way of depicting racism is gratuitous, insulting, and feels like it’s catered more towards the white gaze than... you know, actual POC viewers? i understand people will disagree with me on this and that’s fine. this is just how i feel. given that shu-han as a nation didn’t even feature much in the books and we don’t know ANYTHING about them in a cultural context aside from the fact that their appearance is coded as east asian, the discrimination towards them really just hinges on shallow factors like how they look, what they eat ( ???? ), and how they are viewed as ravka’s enemy. it boils down to an east vs. west type of scenario ( and considering the barrage of anti-asian sentiment in our current political climate it’s... questionable at the very least ), and the racism element is not a profound expression of the poc experience but more like... a caricature version of it, once again, in my opinion.

“via, i can’t believe you used that many words trying to tell us you won’t include the racism in your portrayal.”

hey, i know. but a girl be having thoughts, a girl’s two brain cells be rubbing together, you know? this is me deep cleansing my brain by yoting my thoughts into the void. but yes, this is my take! i understand if you don’t feel the same way, but i just... i can’t feature the racist elements of the show in my blog, sorry (not really).

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#* ic. / headcanons #headcanon: alina starkov #headcanon: zoya nazyalensky #headcanon: malyen oretsev #headcanon: ehri kir taban #racism tw #sab spoilers #asian ppl who disagree are valid #& pls remember not to tell POC what they can be iffy abt #also this seems like a lot of thoughts i just had to put them somewhere #shadow and bone spoilers

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ablednt · 3 years

Text

Honestly kinda tired of how label dependant the nd community is.

There's so many comorbid disorders and there's so many symptoms that overlap, not to mention things that seem almost universal in the ND community (I.E RSD likely resulting directly in nd people being othered, excluded, and bullied so inherently in nt spaces that we are expecting every rejection but ppl on this hellsite thinking it's exclusive to adhd bc psychs want to brush off our pain as chemical)

Things like the SI or hyperfixation debates, who can reclaim what slurs, who counts as nd in the first place (have seen ppl have the audacity to say schizophrenia wasn't a neurodivergence to a schizophrenic person based off actual misinfo), anything pedantic like that where the words we use are centered in conversations more than what actual experiences we have and share, are so reductive and unnecessary.

I'd rather let someone just say they have a special interest then ask to know their whole medical history or pressure them into self diagnosing* just to feel safe to talk about their experiences.

I'd rather let someone talk about intrusive thoughts, mania, dissociation, psychosis, etc. without ever indicating what disorders they have or even suspect they have rather than seeing one million different people on anon asking my and other blogs things like "Can I [common experience] if I'm not [thing] is that ok?" Being genuinely afraid if they use the wrong labels in good faith they're hurting entire communities or that it's problematique.

Sometimes shits gonna overlap and that's just how it goes. Like when I first saw BPDers making jokes about their different personalities it made me upset because I thought they were mocking systems but then I realized that BPD and systems face the same discrimination, and it's the same discrimination that schizophrenic people face and a bunch of other disorders that ableists don't care to differentiate.

Ableists have a united front to oppress us with and we're too busy deciding who gets to say what to be valid to organize and resist. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(*I'm pro self dx and think self diagnosis is swag, this isn't meant to suggest self dxers are giving into peer pressure or some classist nonsense people like to spread)

#long post #ok to rb #ask to tag #actually neurodivergent

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pianostarinwonderland · 3 years

Note

Piano-san (Not an OC question), I didn't know who else to ask because I see so many Octavinelle stans, but what goes on in an Azul simp's head? (i opened a can of eels, didn't i)

Anon............ you knew very well what you were getting into the moment you sent that ask.

So... you want to know what goes on inside the mind of an Azul simp? :)

WELL MY DEAR, TO BE HONEST, I DON’T KNOW :DDD

I mean, I can’t speak for every Azul stan. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But I can say my own personal experience.

Every day, my head is basically

Creds to @spindlebeforesunset for the pic

......... NO I’M NOT FRYING TAKO I’M ALLERGIC

Or maybe this is a slightly better pic

Yessss that’s better

Every day, every fucking day, I question why. WHY the fuck am I in love with this capitalist who’d definitely scam my dumb of ass? WHY on earth do I stan an asshole when I could have stayed as a Riddle stan like how I was originally? Just....... WHY

But then, I’d be internally like “UWEHHHHH ATTRACTIVE AS FUCK OCTOBOI GO BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR” while running around the house with a stupid grin on my face because I am absolutely HIGH on that Azul simpery

I see art, I go UWEHEHEHEDHEHEHHFJE FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK

I think about all the possible events Twst could make and imagine Azul as an SSR in them and go FUKCIFKCUFKCHFKFNJFJJFJ

I think about Azul’s eyes and lose it

I think about Azul’s hair and lose it

I think about Azul’s smirk and lose it

I think about Azul’s shoulders and lose it

I think about Azul’s waist and lose it

I think about Azul’s hips and lose it

I think about Azul’s legs and lose it

I think about Azul’s overblot form and lose it

............ YOU GET THE PICTURE

I’M SO OOGA BOOGA ABOUT AZUL THAT IT’S ABSOLUTELY INSANE

Sometimes, I like to bulli him when I feel like an asshole, but most of the time, I feel protective over him fnnfnkdlfkfkkek like when friends joke about eating Azul, I’m like “nooooo don’t eat the tako :(“ or when I see Azul getting bullied in fics, I’m just like “nO ZUZU UWEHHHH”

Ok this one is really just me and maybe some others because I seek to learn a lot, but with Azul, I would analyze like one (1) seemingly unimportant line he says. Frankly, it’s a little harder to do that due to the language barrier but reading translations helps me get by and analyze even the most miniscule of details about him.

So yeah, that’s more or less what goes on in my head. :’D maybe some other Zuzu stans may relate? Idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but we all have our ways of simping. Mine just so happens to be loud as hell

#ask #twisted wonderland #twst #azul ashengrotto

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pandawritespoorly · 5 years

Text

With Time: Chapter 7 - The Best Group Chat

Author’s Note: A short chapter - just a quick catch-up. Next update will be Saturday, and oh boy we've got another akuma. If I'm so insistent on writing them I should probably figure how to actually write fights.

Chapter Summary: Some text interactions of the Quantics and Felix and what they've thought of Marinette up to this point.

First | Previous | Next

Kid Mime: So!!!! Wat do you all think of our new frend that weve had 4 a weeekkkk!!! Because I love herrr!!! We r going to keep her right!!!????

Melodie: Oh you bet we are. I’m a little worried about her though, I mean did you see that bruise?

Melodie: Also she is precious and very sweet. If she doesn’t seem uncomfortable with the arrangement, we should keep hanging out with her.

Felix: Are you referring to the bruise on her face? It did seem unlikely to have been caused on accident.

Melodie: WHAT BRUISE ON HER FACE?!

Kid Mime: SHE HAS A BRUISE ON HER FACEEEEE?! MOMMM SOME1 HURT UR NEWEST CHILD!!!

The Mom Friend: Wait wat? When did you see that Felix? r you sure?

Felix: On Thursday, when she seemed overly tired. She was falling asleep in class and her palm wiped some make-up off of her face. She excused herself to the bathroom when she realized, but I did see a rather concerning bruise on her face, and there seemed to be scratch above it. I assume you were referring to another bruise?

Kid Mime: HOW MANY BRUSES DOES THS PRECIOUS ANGLE GIRL HAVE!!!?

The Mom Friend: enuf that im concerned

Melodie: The make-up means that she’s hiding it, and come to think of it, she is dressed rather warmly for the current weather.

Melodie: I meant the bruise on her arm, it was pretty big.

The Mom Friend: yea long sleeves an pants in early spetember is kinda wierd

Felix: While I find this to be disconcerting, we would do best to avoid jumping to conclusions. It would also be for the best to avoid mentions of her past school - when it was mentioned on Monday, she seemed rather uncomfortable.

The Mom Friend: yea we don’t want to make assuptions and i don’t want to upset her

Melodie: She’d better have just fallen…

Kid Mime: Al’ no murder

Melodie: …

Kid Mime: DOES ANY1 NO HOW 2 GET OUR AMAZING MARI TO HANG OUT W/ US??? I ONLY GET 2 SEE HER AT ACHOOL AND IT SADDENS MEEEEEE

Felix: She may just be shy, it would be best to give her time to adjust to her new environment.

Melodie: I do hope she decides to join us soon though. I think she seems like a pretty cool person, especially if she could get out of her shell.

The Mom Friend: allegra, give er time dont want to force her it might make her uncomforable

Melodie: I know, that’s not what I meant, I just worry about her.

Kid Mime: Im with u there. i wory about her sometimes something just… i dunno

Felix: It is understandable to be concerned. It seems likely that she may have rather low self-esteem, and lacks confidence in herself. That, as well as the fact that we still do not know where she got so many bruises.

Melodie: I think we were right about why she was wearing longer clothes, did you guys notice she’s wearing short sleeves now.

The Mom Friend: poor thing at least she heeled now

The Mom Friend: does anyone no y mari was so tired today

Lovable Grump: I noticed, but she did not mention any reason in particular.

Lovable Grump: …

Lovable Grump: Claude, I’m changing my password again.

Kid Mime: NOOOO pls we all have fun nicknamesssss

Felix: Your nicknames have a tendency to be longer than my actual name, which makes them unnecessary.

Melodie: Accept your fate Felix. Claude can not and will not be stopped. Also Allan, I don’t know know about Marinette. She did seem pretty tired today though….

The Mom Friend: hmm…

Kid Mime: FEEEELLLIXXXXXXX NOOOOO UR NAME IS SOO BORING NOWWWW!!!

Felix: That is unfortunate for you.

Felix: It is not the first time that Marinette has seemed overly fatigued. She does commissions does she not? Perhaps one of her projects kept her up.

The Mom Friend: maybe she should take on les if shes being overworked

Kid Mime: *mom instincts activated*

The Mom Friend: im just concerned about her health

Melodie: He’s got you there, Allan.

Kid Mime: I CANT WAIT IS SCOOL OVER YET

The Mom Friend: only a little longer

The Mom Friend: then to mari’s

Kid Mime: I KNOOOOOOOOO

Kid Mime: I CANT WAIIIIIITTTTTTTT

Kid Mime: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Felix: Claude, you should calm down. You do not want to overwhelm her.

Melodie: I’m excited too! She actually wants to hang out with us after school and she invited us over to her house!

Kid Mime: do u think i can finally get her number

Felix: I doubt she’s interested in your memes Claude.

Kid Mime: but i cant even send her cute baby animal oictures

Kid Mime: or texxt her good moring

Melodie: You mean texting her good morning like five minutes before first hour? After you’ve already seen each of us in person anyways?

Kid Mime: YES!

The Mom Friend: all of u guys need to pay attention in class

Kid Mime: :(((((( fine

Melodie: Why did she give us a bunch of pastries and thank us?

Felix: Perhaps she thought we were rather nice guests. Though I will admit I thought it rather odd as well.

Kid Mime: as much as i like baked goods i don’t get it??? I feel like were missing something? It seemed liek she was thanking us for soemthing else????? all we did was come over

The Mom Friend: did anyone notice that there was a school right across the street?

Melodie: Hmmm.

Felix: As much as I wish to get satisfactory answers, it is not our place if she does not wish to share.

Melodie: Fine, switching topics: Thoughts on Adrien?

The Mom Friend: u mean the boy you accused of bullying her

Melodie: >:( I just thought he seemed suspicious

The Mom Friend: u meant well

Kid Mime: PERSONALY I DONT NO Y SHE HID SOME1 SO GREAT FROM US

Felix: Marinette was correct. The two of you should never have been introduced.

Melodie: He seemed nice. (Besides the puns) I liked him

Melodie: He’s got my approval

The Mom Friend: thats good i dont think it wood be good if two of her friends didnt get along. He seems to understand when shes upset so thats cool very good

Kid Mime: does our mom have another child now?!

The Mom Friend: …

The Mom Friend: …maybe

Kid Mime: :)

Felix: Moving on, I’m impressed with the connections she has at such a young age.

Melodie: RIGHT?! WHAT KIND OF BEAUTIFUL TALENTED STAR HAS BEEN GIFTED TO US?!

The Mom Friend: allegra stop snooping on the internet we just agreed not to do that sort of thing

Melodie: …

Melodie: Fine…

Kid Mime: i still didnt get her number :(

Felix: Perhaps you could ask her at school.

Kid Mime: BUT THATS SO FAR AWAY

Felix: It really is not.

The Mom Friend: let him be dramatic

The Mom Friend: its his middle name

Kid Mime: it is

Kid Mime: as my unofficial official mom, he wood no

---

Author’s Note: So basically, they're worried, but want to respect her privacy. I could have just said that, but I love their interactions. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ They're all just such sweethearts.

One thing I forgot to put in the note at the end of chapter 6 was my reasoning for Marinette getting to that point. I forgot one big reason (I'm sorry. This is why i need to write things down.) But for the most part it's that Marinette often takes the blame/apologizes for things that aren't her fault, so I feel she is quick to blame herself. That, combined with how she sees the good in people, I think she could have trouble identifying that she isn't at fault for how things turned out at her old school.

Okay, so this past weekend I was struck with the ability to write - don't ask I don't understand either - so basically now I'm writing chapter 11. Yeah, I managed to write the next 4+ chapters in a day. As much as I'd love to post them all now, I need to keep a regular schedule for the sake of my sanity and still need to edit them a bit. But hey, at least there's no chance of waiting too long now.

I really love seeing your comments so don't be scared to write one! I can assure you that it's one of my favorite parts of this.

Thanks for reading, and constructive criticism is welcomed! See (well, not 'see') you guys Saturday, with an akuma that doesn't like being lied to.

First | Previous | Next

#miraculous ladybug #transfer #with time #fanfic #chameleon #salt #marinette dupain cheng #quantic kids #ml felix #text interactions

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edorazzi · 5 years

Text

some thoughts on the Felix Thing™:

(as a warning ahead of time, i am going to be very rude about astruc. i don’t talk about him on this blog any more if i can help it because i’m just not interested in inviting that kind of drama, but i can’t really discuss my thoughts about the felix situation without being transparent in this area too. i also apologise to anyone on mobile because i’m pretty sure read-mores still open on the dash there and this is a CHUNK of messy writing)

- all we know currently is that It’s Happening, but without more than a brief plot synopsis it’s impossible to tell any more. where on earth did this come from? whose idea was it? the Who’s Responsible question is really baffling me.

- option 1: it was astruc’s call. he’s notoriously petty when it comes to the fandom and known for putting little things into episodes which purposely degrade characters/ships and undo development from other writers (e.g. admitting to adding the final scene of Despair Bear in which chloé totally rejects all her positive character development because she ‘just can’t stand being nice’). this considered, i absolutely would not put it past him to introduce felix to the cast with the sole purpose of framing him as an irredeemable villain, just because he still hasn’t gotten over the PV fandom existing.

- however, lots of people have been pointing out that astruc specifically said felix would never be in the show. that was literally the one thing he held over the heads of PV fans - that no matter how much we enjoyed the old project, it was over and done with and we’d never be seeing its characters among the canon cast. he was intensely smug about it. adding felix to the show completely scuppers this stance, so why would he choose to do it? has he decided the satisfaction of tearing him apart in canon is greater? has he finally completely lost it? i’m not sure.

- then we come to option 2: it’s zag’s call. this is what i hope. we know zag is fond of the PV (and likely had a big hand in creating it) and eager to appeal to fans, so i’d definitely believe he would pick up on felix’s long-lasting popularity and jump on the idea of adding him to the show as one of adrien’s relatives. VLD did it with sven as a little shout-out to old fans and it was great! we’ve also already had a little PV easter egg in the form of a dvd in alya’s home, which did make me hopeful that the show was open to referencing it more than once. maybe this is that hope fulfilled in an amazing way! maybe!!!

- a good chunk of me is still deeply suspicious of felix getting into the cast because i’m sure astruc would have had to give the OK (and why would he have agreed to it unless he’s got something unpleasant in mind?), but i remember how much of an obvious fight he put up against chloé getting a miraculous and joining the team, even flat-out stating at one point that she wouldn’t have one, and that still happened. this tempts me towards thinking that if zag really wants something for the show then astruc can’t do much to stop it, and that might be the case with felix, if we’re lucky.

- i really want to know who the writers are for this episode, too. zag and his team are most frequently found in the credits of Adrien Episodes (which it sounds like this is going to be, given felix is a relative), which tend to be the episodes that contain actual character-building, plot progression and give the stagnant show formula a little shake. astruc’s usual episodes are just 20 minutes of marinette with a few backup characters as cardboard cutouts/praise machines. it’s conceivable he’d want to be lead writer just to do as much damage to felix as possible if he has to appear, but he might just duck out of the episode altogether as he’s prone to doing whenever it has to be about adrien. that would be a blessing.

- at any rate, i just generally think it’s really goddamn unfair that we have to be so suspicious about this. if this is supposed to be a nice shout-out to a long-lasting group of fans then it’s unfair that we have to wait months completely uncertain of whether we’re being blessed or made fun of, just because astruc has been such a goddamn tool about this topic for literally years. his reputation is so sour by now that we automatically assume he’s out to get us when this could be intended as something amazing - like fuck, man. that’s sad.

- ANYWAY. in terms of the actual episode itself, i’m excited for it either way. we’re going to see felix! he’s going to have a character model and a voice and a place in the canon universe! even if astruc does his absolute best to rip his character to shreds he can’t do worse than lila and chloé, and even they have their groups of fans because their insecurities are clear and sometimes they’re just so awful it’s funny. i’d gladly accept felix as my little brat cat, if only to piss astruc off by actually enjoying what’s put out as the New Established Canon.

- however, if it IS a better writer handling it (help me mr zag ur my only ho), i want to have faith they’ll draw more from felix’s source material as someone who’s completely socially maladjusted - maybe gabriel is actually the softer side of the family? - and needs adrien to drag him out of his shell. i gather from the synopsis that he’ll manage to piss off alya, rose and juleka, but just because that sounds like a villainous thing to do doesn’t mean felix himself will be a villain (i mean i’m sure he will if astruc has anything to do with it, but just looking from all possible angles--). marinette’s pissed people off to the point of akumatization before and she’s our resident in-house angel!

- i also have to consider wayhem in Gorizilla - this episode was clearly written in two halves, and he was set up by astruc to, essentially, illustrate why marinette’s “stalker tendencies” were completely fine because adrien’s other fans could get so much worse. in the latter half of the episode wayhem is redeemed extremely effectively and actually ends up better than marinette (if you’re making it a contest) in understanding why his approach made adrien uncomfortable and having the confidence to apologise. he was a character set up for failure who got saved at the last minute when (it seems) another writer took the reins, so maybe there’s hope in that for felix too.

- anyway, above all, i checked the notes of my previous post and the amount of people reacting with “OH MY GOD!!!” or “AAAAAH!!!!” and various other happy things made me realise just how much of a positive effect this episode could have on the fandom if it’s done right. it’s not (entirely) about felix as a character - it’s about our little corner of fandom being recognised and taken seriously, and the confirmation that, after all this time, we were right not to let astruc bully us out of enjoying something we love.

- if it does turn out to be a whole episode making fun of PV fans, however, that crosses the line of absolutely unforgivable. astruc will have straight-up nuked any popularity he has left among fans. i don’t want to believe that’s the case, but i will be staying appropriately wary for as long as it takes to get some confirmation on what this episode is intended to be. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#josie talks about things #i'm not gonna tag this with anything else because it's not meant to be some big ol drama post #just some thoughts buzzing around my head on the status of all this #once again i apologise to anyone on mobile that this automatically opens at full length for :')

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endorstoiii · 6 years

Note

todas as asks que não foram feitas

1:Full name.I don’t like to share my full name online so I just go with Marina Sakai (that’s enough).

2:Zodiac sign.Taurus

3:3 fears.cockroaches, drowning and burning to death.

4:3 things I love.Music, drawing, movies.

5:4 turn on’s.Music, people who are similar to me, trips and playing The Sims (how random is this?).

6:4 turn off’s.Stupid people, soccer, math and being obliged to do something I don’t want to.

7:My best friend?I don’t think I have one best friend only, I have a few close friends… you are one

8:Sexual orientation?Straight.

9:My best first date?hahaha lol

10:How tall am I?1,62cm I guess.

11:What do I miss?A very good friend I made on tumblr. For some reason she is gone :(

12:What time was I born?At 6:40 am or something.

13:Favorite color?Well I have a holy trinity of colors, but I’d say purple.

14:Do I have a crush?As long as band members exist, I will have a crush LMAO.15:Favorite quote?“My world is turning pages while I am just sitting here” - Kevin Parker, Apocalypse Dreams.

16:Favorite place?Paraty (beach).

18:Do I use sarcasm?Me? No, never.

20:First thing I notice in new person?

21:Shoe size?35 in Brazil too lazy to search it for other locations :p

23:Hair color?Black.

24: Favorite style of clothing?I don’t know, I like to mixture things.

25:Ever done a prank call?Not that I remember.

26:What color of underwear I’m wearing now?Yellow with lilac stripes

27:Meaning behind my URL?It’s a song by Tame Impala. Me + the lyrics = accuracy.

28:Favorite movie?Too hard… but let’s say it’s The Babadook.

29:Favorite song?TOO HARD, but hum… at the moment it is Stella Was A Diver And She Was Always Down by Interpol (which I’m listening to right now!!!) ((but also Leif Erikson and Tidal Wave and ughhhhh)).

30:Favorite band?Sorry, I cannot choose only one so here it goes my Holy Trinity: Tame Impala, Arctic Monkeys and Arcade Fire. But I am extremely obsessed with Interpol, so yeah.

31:How I feel right now?Shitty for having a week off and doing nothing.

33:My current relationship status.The same as always: single.

34:My relationship with my parents.It’s good with my mother, and ok with my father.

35:Favorite holiday.Festa junina because food.

36:Tattoos and piercing I have.None, yet.

39:Do I and my last ex hate each other?who?

40:Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts?Sometimes good night from my mother and my ex sister-in-law.

41:Have I ever kissed the last person I texted?No.

42:When did I last hold hands?God… when I was a child, maybe, with my parents, to cross the streets lmao seriously I have no idea.

43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?The whole morning lol an hour at least.

44:Have I shaved my legs in the past three days?No. Call me disgusting.

45: Where am I right now?Dining room.

46:If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?This could only happen if I go out with my friends, none of them would go out to get drunk though hah but they would help me, I’m sure.47:Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?Mostly reasonable level, but you know sometimes you gotta turn it louder for that one part… other times, the whole song lol48:Do I live with my Mom and Dad?Yes.

49:Am I excited for anything?Some of my fave bands will release new stuff this year, so yeah. Also, MGMT are coming to play here and I hope to go!!!50:Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?No.51:How often do I wear a fake smile?70% of the time maybe.52:When was the last time I hugged someone?I hugged someone? I think it was 14 days ago because it was my friend’s birthday and I went to her house for a surprise party.

53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?I would feel nothing.

54:Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?I don’t think so.

55:What is something I disliked about today?The whole day, I spent it doing chores and I am dead now.

56:If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Kevin Parker, love of my life. And many other band members.

57:What do I think about most?Music lol hum, I try to focus on my life, my future… but I can’t seem to succeed.

58:What’s my strangest talent?If I had one I can make 3 waves with my tongue, just like Daniel Radcliffe.

59:Do I have any strange phobias?I don’t know if they are strange, but I am afraid of dolls (automatonophobia) and trypophobia.

71:Do I spend money or save it?Save it… to spend it HAH (taurine with ascendant in Taurus).

72:Can I touch my nose with a tongue?Nope.

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?Yes, there is a rose quartz, a pink tsuru (origami), a bed sheet, a sculpture of Our Lady of Aparecida, a small fake flower that my ex sister-in-law gifted my mom for Women’s Day.

74:Favorite animal?I also have a holy trinity for this lol: cats, elephants and deers (any kind).

75:What was I doing last night at 12 AM?Massaging my mom’s feet cause I’m a good daughter.

76:What do I think Satan’s last name is?Devicari LMAO ok this is an internal joke with my friends

77:What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?Signs of Life by Arcade Fire78:How can you win my heart? Buy me concert tickets and food.

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?Embrace disgrace. I have just decided this haha I like the word embrace and I always say disgrace, in English, to my sister. And these two words rhyme lol80:What is my favorite word?In Portuguese, it probably is saudade because of the feeling, but there are some others that I like the pronounce, not necessarily the meaning (like resiliência, recíproco, melancolia), and I chose it by the meaning. There’s also eita, which is a perfect word, omg, I don’t know what I would do without this word. In English, one of them is embrace as I said above. But by the pronounce, it is vortex in British accent. Good af. 81:My top 5 blogs on tumblr?OH MAN, I don’t have fav blogs, I have fav people! So this is the criterion to choose. This is not in order. I AM SO SORRY1. @warpaint-impala2. @14thandeuclid3. @sastrugie4. @roger-sultrey5. @streetofthoughtinallyourbones (this one is inactive, unfortunately, but there’s so much gold in there!!!) ((she is @ourblogtoadmire))

82:If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?hahah… hum… I would say @ all the band members who destroyed my life how much I love them. As everybody in the world is listening to me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

83:Do I have any relatives in jail?Not that I know.

84:I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?Mental power, just like Professor Xavier, but with telekinesis too. Oh, and being able to fly.

85:What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?Hum, I can only think of “y/n” type of question, which would be very obvious… so I guess the question would be “what would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?” LOL

86:What is my current desktop picture?The best gig of my life, aka Tame Impala. For some reason I can’t add the picture here :/ so I’ll post it later separately.

87:Had sex?what is it?

88:Bought condoms?lol

89:Gotten pregnant?When seeing some certain pictures? Oh hell yes!

90:Failed a class?Yep, Chemistry classes mostly. I may have missed some classes, but my shitty teacher could never be patient and a good professional so I could never really learn a thing.

91:Kissed a boy?Unfortunately yes (not because he’s a boy, but because it was bad as fuck).

92:Kissed a girl?Nope.

93:Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?No.

94:Had job?Yes, I’ve already been an English teacher for kids (imagine how dumb these kids became when they had classes with me lmao I’m sorry girls)

95:Left the house without my wallet?No, never.

96:Bullied someone on the Internet?No.

97:Had sex in public?lmao what does sex mean?

98:Played on a sports team?Yes, I used to play handball at school.

99:Smoked weed?No.

100:Did drugs?No.

102:Drank alcohol?Yes, today. But I never went out to drink, neither had a single alcoholic drink only for me.

103:Am I a vegetarian/vegan?Nope.

104:Been overweight?No. I mean, never been in an unhealthy way.

105:Been underweight?Possibly when I was a child and had anemia.

106:Been to a wedding?Yes, the last one was on April 2017. It was my friend’s sister wedding.

107:Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?I think so, playing The Sims lol I love this game.

108:Watched TV for 5 hours straight?Probably… I’m not sure.

109:Been outside my home country?No :( (not yet!)

110:Gotten my heart broken?Yes because my fave band members havE GIRLFRIENDS!!! Ok, hum, I have had my heart broken by a “real person” once (and only time). But this person is one of the best people I have ever met and my heart was broken because we could never fit; he is not a bad person at all, we just are from different realities.

111:Been to a professional sports game?No.

112:Broken a bone?No.

113:Cut myself?Yes, once.

114:Been to prom?No.

115:Been in airplane?Yes, a long time ago, and I don’t remember how many times. Maybe 2 or 3.

116: Fly by helicopter?No, but I want to!

117:What concerts have I been to?I have a list of it here! I have seen some native bands too, which were pretty cool.118:Had a crush on someone of the same sex?Not a crush properly, but a little attraction.

119:Learned another language?Yes, English. But I want to learn others, like Japanese and Russian!

120:Wore make up?For weddings, graduation and this kind of event. And sometimes to go out, but very, very simple.

121:Lost my virginity before I was 18?LMAO

122:Had oral sex?why so many questions about sex? I still don’t know what this mean!!!

123:Dyed my hair?Never, but I’d like to.

124:Voted in a presidential election?My first time will be this year, in October. And I have no idea in who to vote!!! :)

125:Rode in an ambulance?No.

126:Had a surgery?No.

127:Met someone famous?I didn’t meet him, but I once went to an event and Beakman (from Beakman’s World) was there… but this is just like seeing a band live: you only see them, you don’t meet them.128:Stalked someone on a social network?Hahahahah hell yes

129:Peed outside?Outside what? In public, like, in the street? In a bush? No, never!

130:Been fishing?Yes, twice.

131:Helped with charity?Yes.

132:Been rejected by a crush?I had only one crush and he didn’t reject me, neither accepted.

133:Broken a mirror?Yes.

134:What do I want for birthday?My birthday was exactly 14 days ago I wanted a new pair of sneakers, and also money for gigs.

135:How many kids do I want and what will be their names?If I have a good financial condition, I want two. If not, only one. I don’t think too much about names, but can you believe I thought of it earlier today? Yes! Male names I like are Julian and Edwin. And female, Elizabeth/Elise, Amélia/Amelie (just like I said here) and also Helena.

136:Was I named after anyone?No, my grandfather suggested this name for me and my mom liked it.

137:Do I like my handwriting?Not anymore. It is really ugly now, it used to be better.

138:What was my favorite toy as a child?Barbie dolls, always.

139:Favorite TV Show?Decora. It’s a Brazilian tv show about renovating and decorating rooms.

140:Where do I want to live when older?Perth, Australia (thanks Tame Impala for destroying my life).

141:Play any musical instrument?Unfortunately not, and I hate this!!! I really, reaaaally want to play some! Hopefully I will in the future.

142:One of my scars, how did I get it?I have two scars on my right arm. My sister really wanted the tv control I was holding… yeah, she tried to get it from my hands and scratched my arm.

143:Favorite pizza topping?K E T C H U P! LMAO SO PAULISTAN

144:Am I afraid of the dark?No.

145:Am I afraid of heights?Yes.

146:Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?Yeah, I remember once when I left the laundry room (I was alone there) and I didn’t hold the door, so it shut and it was loud, and I said it was my brother’s fault, though he wasn’t even there. My mom was getting in the laundry room and she saw it all. LOL.147:Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?Always? lol hum, yes, it happens a lot.

148:What I’m really bad at.Everything. Ok, hum, I would say that I am really bad at being positive.

149:What my greatest achievements are.Seeing my Holy Trinity live; saving the life of some pets (my last dog and the three current cats I have) and I don’t know what else.

150:The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me.basically everything my father says to me hum my father used to call me useless a lot of times.

151:What I’d do if I won in a lottery.Help my family, move to Perth and try my life in there.

152:What do I like about myself?Nothing…………….-my music taste, and the fact that I am an open minded person.

153:My closest Tumblr friend.you (@warpaint-impala).

154:Something I fantasies about.LMAOOOOOOOOOO sorry but nope hah

155:Any question you’d like - would you read my text?Yes, I will read it.

Glenda, muito obrigada, mas nunca mais faça eu responder todas as perguntas. Por favor. Te amo

#this was the first time I had to answer ALL the questions #it took me two days to finish it lol #but well ok that's the price I pay isn't it?#my post

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spidypool · 6 years

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Tales From Bed Bath & Beyond

So I’ve decided to start a little series called “Tales From Bed Bath & Beyond”. For those of you who follow me you know I’ve been working there for almost 4 years now. And honestly this store is one giant mess. It wasn’t always like that mind you. But it is now. My sister says I work in the real life Superstore (never seen the show but I’ll take her word for it).

I’m writing these little tales 1. Because so many incidents happen I can never remember them all, 2. One day I’ll probably wanna look back on these, 3. I’ll have a ton of stories to tell me niece and nephews, and 4. For @ladysnowstorm because she LOVES hearing all about the Bed Bath and Beyond drama.

This first post I’m just gonna give some background so anyone who wants to read them will have an idea of the set up.

Alright lets start with the store and the ranking. So in BBB it goes:

Store Manager (can tell what this is by the name)

LOD aka Leader On Duty (just the senior who is currently in charge because the store manager can’t always be there)

Senior (head Managers of the store)

Department Supervisors (the managers of each store department)

LEAD aka I have no idea what that stands for ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (they are just Department Sups but just without the extra responsibility)

Associates aka the bottom of the food chain

Maintenance (change my mind these guys are the bottom of the food chain)

*There are other parts and stuff but this is all that you guys should know

See I’m an associate. Officially. However I’m treated as a manager and most of the managers obey me so hey I am a manager just without the title, the pay, and well the actual authority.

Now I work at the largest BBB in the world located in NYC. It’s 3 stories tall PLUS the warehouse. Customers only have access to 2 of those levels. The store is so large it is divided into smaller departments. I’m sure other stores do this but they probably don’t have it divided up so much. Anyways they are:

Frontend which includes

Checkout

Customer Service

Home Delivery

Cashroom

Hardside

Seasonal

Seasonal Electronics

Small Appliances

Kitchen Basics

Pots and Pans

Utilities

Soft Side but really called Lifestyles

Vacuums

Cleaning

Tabletops

Closet and storage

Bath

Candles

Rugs

Towels

Shower Curtains

Bath Essentials

Bedding

Furniture

Window Treatment

Frames

HBC aka Health & Beauty Care

okay this ones obvious but beauty stuff

and some random cleaning

Gormey Foods

food

Registry

Baby Registry

Wedding Registry

Also Luggage

And Fancy Dishes

Inventory Control

damaged products and such

Warehouse

where extra stuff is kept

Office

People who answer the phones

Secretary stuff

Human Resources

Scan

they order stuff for the building

LP aka Loss Prevention

they deal with stolen stuff

full of a bunch of idiots

Training

they train the staff on well anything

Okay well I think that everything that matters really. Anyways I’m part of the Frontend Staff! But not only that I’ve every department of the Frontend. Which is well a lot of work. Plus I’m backup to the office. Just means I answer phones and am generally bored out of my mind 99% of the time.

So now that you know about the ranks and the building set up what about the most Important part. The people!

Seniors/LODs

Sha-tanna - my favorite LOD she’s the bomb funny thing though we actually could not get along to save our lives and it wasn’t until I started working in the Cashroom that suddenly we worked great together. Go figure.

Darnell - used to be my Frontend Manager and we got along great until he was promoted and the power went to his head. He won’t shut up at all. Is always talking and is generally considered the most annoying guy around. You can literally hear him from down the hall. But all in all he’s not the worse boss and sometimes I like him but sometimes I wanna strange him.

Anthony Illarti (we just call him Illarti cause there are a ton of Anthony’s in the building) - he is a bitch. Just putting that out there. He’s a bitch. He’s rude to people, says the most inappropriate things, frankly he doesn’t know how to work with people. But he can be a good boss? I mean considering most of the people we work with are terrible he’s not the worse? IDK how to describe him. He’s like 80% of the time terrible but 20% good so yeah...

Quincy - he has no idea what he’s doing like ever. I usually end up telling him what to do because OMG he cannot handle anything.

Twed Jacket (I can’t remember his name so shoot me) - thinks he know everything doesn’t know anything and fucks shit up trying to boss us around and just GETS IN THE WAY. Like holy shit just go you make our lives SO MUCH HARDER. Just GO.

Kathleen - a stupid fucking cunt. Yes yes I said that. I know. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt but HA she proved everyone else was right about how awful she is. She literally knows NO ONE’S names. Only the people she hates. If you tell her no at anytime she will find a way to DESTROY you. She also knows nothing, can’t count, forgets to do her job all the time like remembering to lock the door. I cannot say anything good about her. She is the worst.

Managers

Joey - he’s bath and lifestyles. He’s a good guy. Kinda short, gay, and an annoying dude but in a fun way.

DeShaw - hardside. Freakishly tall, really reliable, and a good guy.

Ronald - hardside. We don’t really talk. He’s okay-ish at his job.

Alex - HBC. Is kinda like that annoying little brother type.

Steve - HBC okay so he’s not a manager but I swore up and down he way and then I found out he wasn’t so he’s going on this list cause he SHOULD be. He teases everyone all the time like ALL THE TIME. It can get annoying.

Victor - bedding. He was Frontend but couldn’t hack it. Being honest here.

Rochelle - bedding. I know nothing about her at all. We’ve spoken like twice.

*There are some others but I cannot remember their names so not important here or to my stories.

Frontend Managers (there are so many they get their own section)

Ms. B - customer service only. She’s a good boss but she also hates me. I have no idea why. Also I actually like her.

Shelina - frontend only. Okay ya’ll this is the person I will talk about the most. She’s THE BOMB. The Badass MVP. She actually runs the entire frontend cause everyone else is stupid idiots and have no idea what they’re doing. Like at all. She makes the schedule, orders products, sets up everything, puts away the products, I mean it she does EVERYTHING. I work with her a lot. She’s taught me everything I know. Literally the best person and I love her. You guys are going to hear SO MUCH ABOUT HER.

Dumescus - I hate him. He tortured me for months. Bullied and treated me like shit. He flirts with all the women and if his flirting doesn’t work well he hates you. He literally has a group of girl squeal at every word he says. He does nothing even though he’s given all the responsibility and treated like he’s in charge of the whole department. Only thing he actually does is fix the registers.

Tiffany - we started at the same time and are friends and as much as I love her she has no idea what she’s doing. But she does have one of the biggest hearts. She’s fed me when I planned on going hungry to save money. And she has a positive attitude. She technically a department sup but she doesn’t act like it. She is a good person and a good friend but she panics at even the slightest pressure. She acts like a LEAD doing on the basics of her job. The Bare minimum. She seriously need to start acting like a leader.

Celeste - a LEAD. I like her as a person. She’s also the best person to close Customer Service when you’re in the Cashroom. She’s also the youngest LEAD. And the thing is when I started she used to be a badass LEAD. She was great at her job used to give it 110%. I honestly don’t know what happened. Now she does nothing more than the bare minimum. Hell she even stops me from doing the other parts of my job to make sure I “stay on a register”. Even when we have 6 open cashiers and no customers. I like her a lot but whatever happened to her she stopped being a great LEAD and just fails all the time.

Jessica - a LEAD. The gossip Queen. A very likable person. But being likable doesn’t mean you’re a great or even good boss. She does nothing. When she started he was so eager to learn but no she disappears to gossip with people. Never comes back and just does the basics. It’s sad really. All the potential just wasted.

Sanshia - a LEAD. I hated her, I liked her, I hated her again, now I like her again. She was for the longest time the most hated LEAD. She was a bitch to everyone and no one wanted to work with her. Something happened and now she’s actually good to work with. Not that she does anything more than the basics. Seeing a pattern guys? Everyone does the basics and pons off their work onto others if given half the chance. Sanshia is no exception.

Kenisha - a LEAD. A literal baby who cries when she doesn’t get what she wants, throws fits, and is just petty. Funny thing is she’s proven she can actually be good at her job she just chooses not to. She is actually the most hated LEAD right now because of how horrible and childish she acts. It’s just terrible.

Marsha - she gets her own spot because she secretly runs the whole store. Her offical job is head of the office but really she’s girl Friday. She makes sure everything is running and knows everything. Frankly she’s the bomb and a lot of people are terrified of her. IDK why. I actually have a total crush on her... She so awesome and pretty.

Now I could talk about all the associates but I’m not going to because the staff is ridiculously large and they come and go so often that there’s not too much of a reason to bother. But you’ll hear more about then as I tell you guys about what happens at my store.

There’s also other people in other positions I could mention and I have a ton of stories to tell you all ready but I’m not gonna cause they’re all stupid people as you’ll learn soon enough.

Okay so I know I just threw a lot of fact at you thanks if you’ve stuck it out this far but from now on all my Bed Bath and Beyond Tales will be fun stories or awful things that happened. Eh we’ll just see what happens.

#tales from bed bath and beyond

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chaos-coming · 3 years

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Having abstract thoughts about academia as being a haven for abuse. Its a system structured in a way thats really attractive to both abusers and victims (and the many people who are both hence the cycle)

You got tenure, which is like the back the blue for professors. They cant get fired for being shitty at their jobs (except in a few rare occasions like i was lucky enough to experience an abuse of power so flagrant that the school had to do PR damage control by not only stripping their tenure but firing this prof. It just doesnt happen to tenured professors thats the whole point of tenure). Its a job that comes with power and near impunity and is atractive to abusers in the same way as police work and nursing. Its also a huge sense of security and protection for victims, who dont have the constant anxiety of losing their job and can just focus on what ever special interest theyve been using to distract from their problems for long enough that it became a career.

Then theres the weird power dynamics you find within many research labs, which are their own microcosms of abuse that mimic the nuclear family in a way that makes me really ublncomfortable and i cant quite put my finger on it still. The PI is like the parent, they cant get fired so they can exert total power over their lab like the parent exerts power over their family. They can literally do whatever they want and demand total obedience, or your name wont go on the publication. Thats the whole point. Sometimes a big lab will have co-PIs (dear g-d the one lab i worked where the co-PIs were married and the husband was the dept chair aka kinda her boss was... YIKES. Talk about taking out her insecurity on others she was a piece of work). Post docs and researchers are like the older children, they take a lot of crap and are expected to do the parents job without any of the credit, and i have seen especially selfish profs purposefully keep researchers and grad students around to churn out papers for them instead of graduating and moving on to the next step in their career. And it filters down through to undergrads who are the cannon fodder, like the scapegoated child.

If your lab says its ok to treat you a certain way because you are new, or if they say you need to respect the authority of people ranked above you in the lab, those are red flags. Authority? Tf ur not my dad get outta here this is a place of learning not your gentrified fight club fantasy session (this analogy is meant to be gender neutral the prof im thinking of in this case is a woman. Abuse is not a gendered behavior). There may be seniority within a healthy, respectful lab, but the workplace is no place for exerting one's sense of authority. Thats just bullying, which is abuse.

Many people who come from toxic homes dont have the tools to recognize these patterns and the power dynamics of a toxic lab may seem comforting and familiar, this kind of toxic behavior is normalized, and they behave the way we're used to being treated by people in positions of total power who claim to care about our personal/professional growth. And the job market is scary and academia is familiar, and if you succeed, it offers security, and these kinds of people tend to be anxious and conflict-adverse.

Theres somerhing about the impunity of having tenure that just makes it too easy to set up toxic power dynamics like each lab is its own little kingdom, little house on the prairie style.

Idk ive just been having thoughts about how so much of academia is toxic and how it mirrors so much of what we see in unhealthy family dynamics. Theres probably a point in there somewhere about the institutionalization of the family through enforcing the nuclear model and the increasing expectation that institutions take on more and more roles that used to be part of family/community development, and why so many people are drawn to these institutions to fill the void left by unfulfilling or actively damaging familial bonds, only those institutions are mimicing the exact same abusive dynamics for mostly the same reasons because the platriarchy perpetuates itself through continuous trauma so here we are ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#too many thoughts none of them make sense #yall keep talking dark academia this and that #i realized so many professors are just abusive people whove been enabled by this system #the school doesnt care how demoralizing you are to your students they just wanna see the funding $$$#idek what to tag this as... a rant maybe?#also wtf the dad in those books is ab*sive af #my mom idolizes those books oooooh that explains so much about her marriage #just had an epiphany in the tags

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c-elestia · 3 years

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Hello~ it me.

I'm not using my main personal blog because I don't really want to be identified nor do I want anyone I know finding this. I'm gonna namedrop people but I doubt anyone will find this and if they do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Eric and I broke up last summer. I'm dating a wonderful guy now. But we've been struggling a lot because I'm unwillingly uprooting a ton of trauma and I am having a REALLY hard time sorting through it and making sense of it all. I feel terrible about how I react to certain situations. They aren't logical reactions and I'm finding it very hard to control them. So I'm going to try to take the time to go through my life & see where the connections are and hopefully make sense of all of it.

If I could pinpoint the start of any sort of trauma, it would be with my dad. It's complicated because he's grown a lot and he's not nearly as bad, but it was a struggle for me to deal with him. The things I remember most when I was a child was when he would be mad at me and refuse to talk to me. I remember there was one night where I gave him attitude and he got mad at me. My friend encouraged me to apologize, which I went out and did. I went to give him a hug, and he pushed me away and told me to go away.

There were many times where my dad would get mad at me and I felt like I was a bad child, so I never left my room. I wouldn't even go downstairs to eat. I would intentionally starve myself because I didn't want to face my parents. I would go days without eating. It was strange because this was all self inflicted - my parents didn't tell me to do this. Something in me wanted to punish myself because I did something wrong. I see myself doing this a lot now that I'm an adult. If I feel like I did something wrong, I jump to withholding something from myself to make up for it. I also remember when my mom got mad at me, I went in my closet & scratched my arms. It was the first time I remember attempting self harm. Again, this wasn't encouraged by my parents - it was completely self inflicted. I don't know why I had these extreme reactions to these things, but that's where I remember this all starting.

Growing up, I was very deprived from affection and validation from my parents, so I searched for it in relationships. My first 'real' relationship was in middle school, when I was 12. I dated a boy named Brian. I legit thought we were gonna get married lol. I can't remember our relationship that well cause I was a kid, but I remember him being really controlling. He wouldn't let me do certain things. I can't remember what or why, but that's all I really remember. He wasn't that bad, honestly. But I felt really restricted when I was with him sometimes.

After that, I started dating Joseph. I think that's when I had more trauma come up in my life. We only dated a few months, but he was obsessed with me. He told me we would get married and we'd be together forever, and I ate that shit up because no one had ever told me that before. I remember he would take me behind the school and try to make out with me and touch me. There were a lot of times where I didn't want to do this, but I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure how to. I remember him telling me not to leave him and that I was his while he was doing this. It was... really disturbing when I think back to it. We ended up breaking up after we had a fight & he didn't want to get back with me afterwards. I was only a kid, but that summer vacation was pretty much one of the worst.

The whole experience was traumatic. I truly believed he wouldn't leave because he was the first guy who said he wouldn't, and then he left. I would have flashbacks of us behind the school and have panic attacks. I actually think that's the first time I remember experiencing panic attacks. It was bad...

It took me a while to get over him. Honestly, I don't think I did fully until recently. Anyway - after that, I started dating this guy named Kyle. I met him online and we were an LDR relationship. We dated for about a year and a half I think? He was fine, the only thing that was stressful was that when I wanted to break up with him, he threatened to hurt or kill himself if I left. That was hard, but I was able to leave him without any traumatic repercussions.

I started dating Isaac after that. We dated for about three years. He was pretty much there while I was going through the worst of my mental health. This was when the psychosis, multiple personalities, anger/depression/anxiety was at it’s worst. He tried his best but we fell out. He was ok. He had anger issues which didn’t help. We had a lot of fights that included a lot of yelling and crying and him punching his wall, breaking things, all that ~fun~ stuff. He never put a hand on me but he would take out his anger on objects and that scared me a lot. The only trauma I really got from him was getting scared whenever someone raised their voice at me or they were angry at me.

After that, I started dating Skyler. We weren’t together for that long, but he went to boot camp & and we weren’t sure if we would stay together after he joined the military. After he graduated from boot camp, he ignored me for a couple weeks and then broke up with me. I was at the height of my stress for multiple reasons, and that was the tipping point. I tried to kill myself after he broke up with me. Ended up in the hospital for a week during Christmas ~all that fun stuff~

I got involved with Joseph again. I was an idiot and believed his lies again. He said he wanted to make me happy and regretted how he treated me while he was younger. He just wanted one more chance to make me happy and be together for real, now that we were older. And I ATE that shit up, like before.

We had sex a few times and apparently he lost feelings a few months while we were talking. lol. cool.

It took me a long time for me to get over him, a huge roller coaster of him using me for his own benefit and believing he became a better person, only to realize he was the same shitty scumbag. Because of Joseph I am TERRIFIED of getting used or getting played by someone I love.

Also.... Brian from my Year Up cohort - we weren’t dating and I wasn’t attracted to him, but he pretty much bullied me while we were friends & then sexually assaulted me at a party, and then blocked me & continued to hang out with our mutual friends, and refused to give me any closure. That doesn’t need any explanation why that was traumatic.

FINALLY... we reach Eric. He was the most abusive, yet it was not as noticeable as the others. We were together the longest. Ended up getting married. He was also there while I went through a lot of mental health struggles. I was still dealing with multiple personalities and anger/anxiety/depression. I was not the best partner to him, I will admit that. It took me a really long time to improve myself. but he wasn’t perfect, either. He cheated on me and did things that he knew would make me uncomfortable multiple times.

He would say he wanted to be there for me, but would get mad at me if I reached out for support and accused me for being the reason he didn’t have free time. He would refuse to acknowledge what I did for him and refused to let me help him, and felt like he was doing most of the work in the relationship. EVERY TIME I approached him with something, he would get defensive and refuse to come up with a solution or somehow turn it on me. I literally do not remember a single instance where we communicated in a healthy way because he was so hard to work with.

Whenever we had a bad argument (if I felt like he did something that upset me) it would somehow turn into me comforting him because he would tell me how worthless and shitty he was and how I should leave him. Typing that out right now really sucks because I realize I have a habit of doing that now, and maybe it helps to know that this is where it may have come from.

He would say everything was his fault yet at the same time, he had this way of making me feel like everything was my fault... even at the end of our relationship he basically said us breaking up was my fault. It doesn’t make sense, but I can’t help but listen to him because that’s all I’ve been used to for years. I can’t help but feel guilty for literally everything I do.

Wow... that was a lot. I have a lot of history of trauma, and I don’t think I even captured everything, but this is most of it. I’m gonna add a TL;DR just so I can organize my thoughts.

Trauma list of fun:

Parents: Did not give me a lot of validation/affection/encouragement, probably contributed to my low self esteem & craving affection from other parties. Would punish myself as a child whenever I felt like I did something bad (not eating/scratching myself.) Dad ignored me a lot and refused to talk to me when I did something that made him angry. Probably why getting ignored makes me anxious.

Joseph: lol this boy fucked me up BIG TIME. Was the first guy that told me we’d be ~together 5ever~ (was a total lie.) Major lovebombing. Did things to me without my full consent. Because of that, I started having panic attacks and flashbacks of traumatic experiences for the first time. After we grew up, used me for sex or when he was lonely and would lovebomb me when I started to get distant so I would get pulled back in.

Isaac: Was ok. He had anger issues so I get anxious or scared whenever someone gets violent or raises their voice at me.

Skyler: Ignored me for weeks without an answer whether or not we were still together. Ended up breaking up with me. Also probably why me getting ignored makes me anxious bc I’m always assuming it’s something bad

Brian: ...sexual assault

Eric: Also fucked me up big time :^) Gaslit me constantly, made me feel crazy, made me question everything, made me feel like everything was my fault and he was doing all the work, did things behind my back. I adored this guy and thought he was great, only for him to abuse me in the background in subtle ways. He left me without saying goodbye which made my abandonment issues SO MUCH WORSE.

List of common triggers, maybe?:

-Getting ignored

-Language that feels like I am being blamed

-People raising their voice at me

-People being violent near me

-Any sense that someone is going to abandon me

This is a good start so far. I’ve sorted out a lot and can see a few patterns. I’ll need to think about what people can do to help me and how I can help myself.

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wednesdirose · 5 years

Text

So this is the end of my rope.

I am HIGHLY aware of the fact that I have said before that, “Today I want to kill myself more than I ever have before,” but today tops that last time. I may have used that title to... I’m a creature of habit (Also anyone that remembers this: Hello! I think you may be like the fact that i’m still alive, if you were someone cared. That’s probably not gonna last but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

The other day I was depressed and becoming increasingly more suicidal by the moment, so I decided to go to my parents apartment and spend time with my family. Both of my older brothers in the last like 6 months have moved back home so my parents apartment has a lot of people in it (6 people including my little siblings who are not yet old enough to move out). I find just being around people makes me feel better even if I am not actually engaging anyone or being engaged by anyone. I ended up staying for a whole week and a day, and only leaving to go to work once and then returning back because it was still an option. The day before my last day there my brother came home drunk.

He was not only drunk but upset and feeling depressed because of the pressure he is currently feeling as a very talented, under appreciated and taken advantage-of sound engineer. I missed most of him going off and being upset and venting about his current situation but when I came into the convo, It was crazy because he was saying a lot of things I felt but in terms of his own life. I honestly didn’t know what to say other than I know how he feels and to just listen. He apologized for venting and being emotional and unloading on me and my other brother’s girlfriend (whom he was venting to before I came into the room) but I told him that It was totally fine! And that he knows I’m not gonna judge him. I’m honestly the last one who can judge anyone and he and my family knows it because I've almost killed myself before and was sent to a psych ward. I REALLY can’t judge anyone’s problems. This prompted my brother to say that he loves me and he side hugged me and told me this is why I was his favorite and that I was always was understanding that he felt like I understood him even more than his twin sometimes. He told me he wasn’t just saying it because he was drinking and that he had only had a beer and that he wasn’t that drunk( which I believed at the time because he wasn’t slurring his words but my brothers are drinkers and it takes a lot to get them slurring. He also retracted this statement the next day and said that he wasn’t wasted but was totally drunk.) He started saying all sorts of stuff like he really appreciates me and that he always thought that I was awesome and he was glad that I was in his life. He said that he has always admired me because good or bad I’ve always done what I wanted to do and I’ve always done things my way. He said all these things that I’ve always wanted to hear and I remember thinking that this is everything I’ve wanted hear.... BUT it didn’t FEEL like was hearing what I was hearing. It felt like a regular convo. Then he mentioned drinking again and a memory flooded back to me.

You see me and my older brothers have been friends for three-ish years. My older brothers HATED me when we were little and would sometimes bully me. But it wasn’t completely my or their faults. Up until the third grade my father would manipulate me and use me as a weapon against my brothers, which was something I didnt realize until was much older. My father would bribe me with food and affection and things that I wanted in return for me to “tattle” to him about suspicions he had about my brothers. My brother were very mischievous boys, so almost all of the time he was right. My father being a military man was very harsh, and would give them (looking back) EXTREMELY harsh punishments. He punished them the way his father would (a man my father still considers satan and wouldn’t let me meet when he was alive because he was evil.) This made my brothers hate me. And they hated me for most of my life and showed it.

The memory was of a night when I was in 7th grade and my teenage brother came home drunk. REALLY DRUNK. He came to my room and started talking to me and I don’t remember what he said but that was the FIRST time I ever felt like he LIKED me and that I wasn’t alone, which I was starting to feel more and more. He said all these nice things to me and it felt good and it was an important moment to me. The next morning I tried to talk to him about it.... and he smacked me in my face. Hard. And he told me that I was a liar and that it didn’t happen.

In that moment I decided to share this memory with him (even though he was feeling shitty because IM shitty) and he said that he remembered, which is significant because I thought he wouldn’t remember that or tell me I was lying which was a reoccurring thing every time I tried to bring up shitty things they’ve done to me. But he said he remembered and that he was sorry and that he did so many shitty things to me that I probably don’t even remember (Which mind you, I do. I’ve held on tight to every fucked up thing my family members have EVER done to me.) He said he was so sorry for everything and that his problem with me wasn’t really with me but my father and he didn't realize that until he was older. And then it was like 6 am and he needed to go to sleep.

Looking back on this night I realize why I didn’t feel anything when he said the things I wanted someone to tell me and that that memory was a warning and a reminder. That he was only saying those things because he was drunk and in his feelings and that he probably wouldn’t say any of it otherwise.

My WHOLE LIFE I’ve felt alone. The only time I didn’t feel alone is when I was with my “High school sweetheart” of almost 2 years and he left me. He left me because I was broken and depressed and fucked up and I didn't know how to love someone or be in a relationship or treat someone and I was (in hindsight) Very abusively clingy and over barring towards the end. I’ll probably never be able to convince anyone else to stay with me past the dating phase, enter into relationship with me and actually stay.... And I don’t blame them. And Ill probably never find someone as close to perfect for me as he was and I fucked it up because that’s what i’m good at. Ruining everything. He even IMMEDIATELY hopped into a relationship with someone else. SO that can tell you how much of a nightmare I was. He still visits my dreams sometimes, so that tells you how much he impacted me and how much I loved him. Sometimes we get back together in my dreams or are together and those are the hardest fucking mornings. I’m not sure if I miss him or something or what that means.... I think it's just because he is the only person I’ve been able to convince to love me and the only person I’ve TRULY opened up to and who knew (the high school version of) the real me and still wanted to be with me...

My father left my mother when I was like 12 years old. And when they divorced he basically divorced me too. He moved out and I didnt see him for a while because he “didnt have furniture” or whatever. Then we (me and my little sister) would barely go over his house because he always had some fabulous excuse. Most of the time it was car related or he had work or medical related. Then when we would go over his house he would stay to his self in his room and barely interact with us unless is was time for a meal or he was taking us to church with him (which he stopped going to a few year into the separation) and HE WOULD STILL PICK UP SHIFTS on his weekends with us. The REALLY funny thing is sometimes he would leave to a girlfriends house, which at first I would go but after awhile I was just like nope because he would spend time with the girlfriend and me and my sister would be stuck with the girlfriend’s stupid kids. OR he would invite over his lady friends and be in his room with them. But were our weekends about us, his daughters, and spending time with us?? No. He did that for 6 years.

It’s funny because I felt like he was the only one in my corner until he divorced us. I always felt like my mom just liked my brothers more and she always took their side but my dad was always in my corner. Even against the love of his life. But looking back I dont have any real memories of that man. Because even in selling out my brothers for affection and trying my hardest to get that man to show me he loved me, He never really gave a fuck. I remember when I learned the word “bond” and realized that normal families “bond” from watching TV. I began to ask my parents especially my father, whom did not work most of my childhood, to “bond” with me. IS THAT NOT FUCKING PATHETIC?! I had to beg my parents to bond with me. My father, whom spent most of his time in the front room on his fat ass watching tv, told me just sitting next to him quietly while we watched BET was “bonding”. IS THAT NOT FUCKING PATHETIC?! If anyone is wondering, I dont know a damn thing about that man frfr. But at least he isn’t a dead beat right? My parents moved in together last year to save money and I go over there all the time. Does he take initiative to spend time with me or even really talk to me? No. He doesn’t. I’m 21 and known him for 21 year and he’s just like every other stranger. The only difference is I have a key to his apartment.

My mother and I have NEVER had a great relationship. We currently have a pretty okay relationship but in my adolescence I thought my own mother hated me (up until I almost killed myself at 17. Then she was a WHOLE lot nicer all of a sudden.) I really didnt have a relationship with my mother as a child because she was always the “bread-winner” and her spouse was always playing “stay at home dad,” until she left my little brother’s dad. She would leave for work before I woke up for school, come home looong after I got there, crack open a can or a box for dinner, go to sleep and start over. I practically raised myself through middle school and through TV, Google and other middle-schoolers, I taught myself how to be a girl and take care of myself. I still to this day wish I had an older sister who could have helped me navigate certain things and avoid ridicule about other things.... but I didnt. I had two older brothers, going through their own shit, raising themselves, whom hated me. She is also an AF AM mother and not to stereo type black families but black families have a tendency to perpetuate toxic behavior with each other in terms of ridiculing each other and tearing each other down and thinking its funny. SO, I being my family’’s weirdo and an outsider in my family, got the worst of it, especially from her (especially after my father abandoned me in that house with her.) I remember in middle school she asked me on two separate occasions if I felt like she loved me. I should have said no, But I didn’t know that then. What I said was, “Of course! You’re my mother and you have to love me.” Both times she responded the same: “I don’t Have to love you.” At the time I didn't understand this but I do know. Because she was always working and having to support five kids by herself she was always stressed. I was unlucky enough to be the target of this stress hurricane. By the time I was in high school, she had lost complete control over my brothers so all of the house work and taking care of my little sister and EVERYTHING, including her stress hurricane, fell on me. And as a depressed/lazy teenager, who could see how unbalanced the way she treated me was versus my siblings, I was not about it. The older I was getting the more I began to stand up for myself or in her eyes, became disobedient. Our relationship throughout my teenage years was TERRIBLE. And we had NEVER had a "good” relationship to begin with so it was REALLY REALLY TERRIBLE. Once I almost killed myself and costed her hundreds of dollars (which she made sure I knew I was costing her) to send me to a psych ward and for meds and a psychiatrist and a psychologist, She began to realize that I’m a pathetic, sensitive crybaby who will kill myself if you're mean to me, and slowly (but surely) began to be nicer to me. Our relationship in present day is much better but my Mother being my mother she has NEVER apologized for ANYTHING she has EVER done to me (except back when my parents were married and my father would make her apologize to me if he felt she did something wrong) and she never will apologize or admit to treating at least a little bit worse than she should have and I will NEVER forget, so I will NEVER move on and we will NEVER be that close. I had to move out because she was still treating me like shit without realizing it and letting her shitty husband treat me unfairly (my parents are still technically married because divorces are expensive.) It got to the point where he was complaining about how much food I ate so I went on a diet but my little siblings were eating up their snacks and blaming it on me and he tried to say that I have to start helping pay for groceries BUT I WASN'T EATING!!!!! I literally STOPPED EATING AT MY HOUSE (except for dinner, which my mom always made two servings of so she wouldn't have to cook the next day.) Yeah one meal a day at the VERY end of the day people. I would wait until he was settled into his room after dinner to make my plate. When I moved out, that women cried and said she felt like she was just now “getting to know me.” CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS FUCKING WOMEN?! I wanted to laugh in her fucking face and say that she had 20 years. 20 years.

(Side bar: I should have saved her some money and just killed myself)

I’ve come to the realization from that night in my brothers room, that I wouldn’t be this fucked up if the people who were supposed to be there for me actually treated me right and paid attention to me when I needed it and did what they were supposed to do WHEN I NEEDED IT! Maybe if when I was growing up and needed to be shown love and affection and attention, I wouldn’t have problems connecting with people now and I wouldn’t feel so alone all the fucking time! I could have a healthy relationship and actually love someone and be lovable and I would have real friends and I wouldn’t have went through HALF the shit I’ve been through with people OUTSIDE of my family and I would have known and would know how i’m supposed to be treated by someone who is my friend and someone who claims to love me.

BUT they didnt. No one did. I needed someone (ANY FUCKING ONE) and NO one was there and now I’m fucking broken and have YEARS AND YEARS of attachment trauma and it cant be fixed. AND that’s soooo not the worst of it! I have abuse stories and other shit that I haven't even shared with anyone but one of my therapist and I didnt even feel ready to tell her EVERYTHING just the gist of it. I have OCEANS OF PROBLEMS that can’t be solved. Wounds that can’t heal. I can’t even talk about the problems I have with my family because throughout my whole life we’ve NEVER talked about anything or addressed ANYTHING. There are NO apologies or resolutions or any of that bullshit. If something happens we just wake up the next day as a family like it didn't happen and that's that about that. And honestly I feel like that’s why I can never address any problems I have with people outside of my family or resolve problems or fix anything, which has RUINED great relationships for me.

Anyway. I needed to get that out. SO thank you if you read that bullshit and thank you if you actually care, I guess. This is the end. I’m gonna stop self medicating with weed, which is what I’ve been doing since I stopped taking Zoloft in 2016. It’s actually been working for the most part. It’s not a perfect solution but when I’m high I don’t think about my problems and I feel like I can think about things less emotionally. I’m just gonna stop smoking everyday and let my depression do that thing it does and if I kill myself, Thank god!, and if I don’t, Thank god. And that’s where I’m at on the subject of life and living and the sort.

And Yes before you suggest it smart ass, I have seen multiple therapists and psychiatrists. AND yes I’ve tried other meds besides zoloft and I stopped taking meds because they dont work. AND NO, I’m super uninterested in putting money in greedy ass doctors pockets to take every stupid pill on earth, till I “find the right one.” A pill is not going to get rid of 21 years of misery. It’s just a pill.

#sorry not sorry for typing a whole novella #depression #attachment trauma #suicide #it took me 5 hours to write this and three glasses of wine #wine that I should have checked the alcohol content on #certainly not high enough for me

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