#stupid jackass and narcissist respectively

[eastendies]

So y'all know I have an Antisocial Personality Disorder!AU and I'm writing the first chapter so I got bored and instead decided to write smth I had in mind a bit farther on, Ben and Callum actually being in a relationship and Callum trying to get Ben into therapy.

So here is a blip of Chp. 5ish as Ben confronts Callum for being a jackass, and for once it actually devolves in a way that doesn't involve hate sex. Okay, maybe a little.

---

It hit Ben like a freight train. His heart was torn under the wheels, his ears screamed with the whistle of blood, everything breaking and crashing as he looked up Callum, his boyfriend. The person who swore he could trust him. The one whose eyes, previously concerned and twisted into the most genuine fear he had seen, flicked over his face as the realization boiled his mind into something new--blank, preparing for war. That there was enough proof of guilt that Ben could have stormed out and never spoken to Callum again. But there was no guilt in his eyes. And it drove him crazy. 

It came out softly. “You manipulated me.”

Callum’s mouth opened, but to his credit, he had enough respect to close it and reconsider whatever lies he was about to say next. Ben could see the wheels turning in the taller man’s head as he bit his lip. But he didn’t deny it. 

“You tricked me into seeing your therapist. Into thinking I was crazy.”

At that Callum’s blank face changed in some guarded, hurt way Ben could never name. “I didn’t make you think you were crazy--”

“Because you think that I am crazy.”

“No I--having a disorder doesn’t make you crazy, Ben! Needing help doesn’t make you crazy!” Whatever tactic the sociopath in front of him wanted to take broke down as anger shown through, and Ben knew, at the very least, that much was genuine. “You weren’t acting normal, and--”

“And what?! That gives you the right to control my life?” Ben took a step back when his boyfriend stepped towards him, and the world was becoming dizzy and horrible and filled with the shifting lies from the angry eyes of the man he let himself care about. Value. “I don’t need to see a fucking therapist, and I don’t need you to decide what I need or who I am or if I’m fucking crazy!” Ben’s eyes searched wildly around the room for his coat; he needed out. The walls were closing in. 

The other man must have sensed his intent to leave as alarm was laced into his voice, stifled with a suppressed bewilderment and frustration. “Ben, you can’t deny that you have issues--”

“We all have issues!”

“Most of us don’t go around being a criminal, Ben! Or staying with an abusive dad who treats you like absolute garbage,” utter hatred and contempt filled the sociopath's voice, and Ben felt bile rising in his gut as he felt a small push to blindly defend his father. He shoved it down, gripping onto the couch. “You have a lot of issues, a lot like when I first started seeing treatment.” Callum’s voice became softer, and it hurt. It dragged nails across his skin and pierced his heart because his voice never sounded that true and real and like he mattered. That this mattered. His boyfriend stepped closer, just a little bit, and Ben let him. Because if Callum wanted to manipulate him, he wouldn’t do it like this. “You know how much it helped me. I’m not exactly the pinnacle of mental health,” Ben’s lips flicked up at that, and a bit of triumph stuck in Callum’s eyes (it was soft, not a prize), “but I can stay around people. I can help them. I can think of them as people. My dad…” Callum's voice choked, and Ben knew he had tried to push too far. He let the other man gain his breath back. “It helped. And I knew it could work for you. And I know you’re hurt and you’re hurting and you need help, don’t pretend that everything is okay.” More authoritarian now, the previous frustration showing through. If Callum didn’t care, Ben reasoned, finally meeting the other’s mangled eyes, he wouldn't have put so much effort into seeming sincere. He could see in the way his shoulders tensed how much Ben’s outrage baffled him right now. 

“And that makes it all okay?” He tried to be quiet. He should have been louder. Not sound like the weaklings Callum sometimes talked about. 

“I--”

“Why even do all this?” His voice was sharper now. “Don’t pretend like you care. I know you don’t. You’ve told me. Your stupid therapist told me.” Bitter, biting. His arms were crossed, tight. 

“Because I fucking VALUE you!” Ben jumped out of his skin as Callum almost screamed, frustration and anger riddled and bored into every surface of how he gestured on, like he wanted to shake Ben until his brains were scrambled enough to understand. “Just because I don’t feel empathy doesn’t mean I don’t fucking CARE about you! Do you think I would do all of this,” he gestured throughout the room, “or even be your boyfriend if I didn’t think you were worth it?! Because I do, and I did, and I try to do all this caring stuff that doesn’t mean anything to me because I want you to be happy! Because that makes me happy.” Ben’s eyes stayed widened, words beating in his ears over and over. “This--maybe--” Callum had to regather himself, gesturing near his head, “I reasoned that you being in therapy would mean an overall enjoyment of happiness, and yeah, its crude math, but it makes sense and it’s all part of this cognitive empathy I’m trying, so you can say a lot of stuff about what I did,” Callum pointed towards him, towards his heart, “but don’t fucking say it was because I didn’t care. Alright?” Quieter, and the rare vulnerability that flashed on his face blinked out as Callum gained control over it, breathing heavily. Blank.

His arms hurt from how his fingers dug in. He could hear Callum’s words beat in his heart and in his brain and in his ears, and he had to hold onto his previous anger to stay alive. 

Because that was the first time Callum said he cared. In his own, different way. In the Callum way. 

“You still manipulated me. You lied.”

“And?”

“I don’t like that. You know that,” Ben bit back, voice a bit exasperated. “We said no lies.”

“You lie to me sometimes. Said you’d get milk yesterday.” Ben had to fight back the flick of his lips. No.

“That’s not the same.”

“I know.” There was a second of pause, the second in which he knew Callum was trying to process what to say. “I know that makes you feel hurt,” it came out slowly, like he hadn’t practiced in a while, “and I’m sorry you’re hurt. Like I said, big fan of happy Ben, me.”

Ben opened his mouth, but instead he broke out into the smile he had been fighting back, and sat down on the couch he had been next to, hands interlaced and gripping each other. “I think that was the most healthy conversation we’ve had in weeks.”

“Maybe months.” Callum’s voice didn’t change, but Ben didn’t have to look at Callum to see he was approaching this cautiously. That he wasn’t too far away, but close enough to pounce. To touch. “But we can still have hate sex if you want,” Callum offered, head knocked to the side and eyebrows raised in that stupid, dumb way he did to make himself seem serious. God, he really could manipulate him without even trying. But he still didn’t come closer. Waiting for the verdict. 

“Don’t tempt me, you know how hot you look when you’re angry,” Ben flirted back, maybe on habit, but his voice was still exasperated, looking at Callum with a raised eyebrow. 

Everything about Callum screamed, ‘what does that MEAN,’ but he still managed a smile and stuck his hands in his pockets. “Of course, men and women alike are lining up to make out with a pissed off sociopath. Really turns them on.” His nose scrunched. “Nevermind, that’s probably an actual fetish. Is that why you started dating me?” His voice was a bit too hopeful for Ben’s taste, but he swallowed it down; he wanted to keep this blip of sanity.

“Yeah. The other half is your cheekbones.” Callum’s head ducked in a smile, in a more sincere, gentle way. (He could tell it was real because it was about Callum, that glow always stayed with him with compliments. Narcissistic bastard, right?) Ben looked downward, studying Callum’s floorboards. 

“So?” The other man couldn’t take it anymore, suspense and some impatience lacing his voice. “Are we...okay?” Like he couldn’t wait for this all to be over and done with. 

“No. Not anywhere close to okay.” Ben made sure to meet his boyfriend’s eyes as he said it, breathing steady and eyes serious. Callum didn’t fall apart at that news ( as Ben knew he himself would have). But his face did close a little, more blank, eyebrows straighter. “You lied to me, severely, and I’m gonna need time. To process.” Callum nodded, hands still in his pockets, though his head hung a little. “And I’m still mad at you. Just because your intentions were not...completely self motivated, doesn’t mean I am just okay with it.” Frustration blipped by, as Ben knew it would. But Callum still stayed silent. Until he didn’t. 

“And the therapy?” Ben could practically hear him trying to push him towards the end result he still wanted, so this tangle of emotions wasn’t a huge waste of his time. But, at least to Callum’s credit, he tried to hide it. That respect was something he and Ben and to build up with mortar and bricks and time, so Ben took the small victory. Softer, “It can help, Ben.”

“I know that!” Callum’s face closed up more. The shorter man had to look down at the floorboards again. “I’m--I’ll think about it. But I’ll do it on my own and reach my own conclusion; you’re not involved in this anymore.” Because Callum cared about him. Valued him. Wanted to him to be happy. Wanted to spend time with him. Wanted Ben to be Ben, just for him. And there was no way his sap of a heart, having won a war, could not be a bit lenient in sentencing. Yeah, it was messed up, but so was he. So were they. “Okay?”

Callum looked at him, really looked at him, for a second. He could tell that he was bewildered, frustration knocked on the floor, but patience lingered in his eyes when Ben tore their gaze apart. “Okay,” the softer voice came, and Callum stepped towards him, sitting next to him on the couch, far enough apart for Ben’s walls not to come crashing down, crushing them both, but close enough to whisper through the prison windows. There. 

Because dating a sociopath was kind of hard. It wore down his defense and screamed in his ears and held him at night, but Callum was still there, eyes waiting for him to look up, and as Ben rifled through the options of life (was Callum right? Was he crazy? Could he breathe anymore?) that’s all he really ever wanted. 

#eastenders #ballum #ben mitchell #callum highway #ee #ben x callum #aspd!callum #aspd!au #sociopathy au #ee fanfiction #ballum fanfic #chp 5 #not the final version but i wrote this and i thought it was okay so validate me

[99dreams1nightmare-blog]

My 3.. “Christian” beans, xDD

First - Myron (Also he’s not wearing shorts, I swear to whatever god is out there, xDDDD)

Second - Vritra

Third - Nyven

They’re apart of this roleplay I’m making called mindset. These 3 would be considered the “antagonists”, let me explain, owo

Mindset takes place in a heavily Christian private school, usually I hate school roleplays because, they’re a good idea at first then the idea falls because.. School isn’t exactly an interesting place, but I’m trying really hard to make this one interesting.

Any “athiests” found in the school will be taken to the basement of the school. Where, they may die immediately, Or be taken to the judgement arrangement room, where they’re put into classes with the teachers being Nyven, Myron, And Vritra. (Though, vritra doesn’t show up until really really late into the roleplay)

Once they’re put into classes, it would be announced by Myron and Nyven that the last 3 out of 20 students get to leave unharmed, but a student will be killed off each week, if nobody dies on there own, henceforth, the students will have to kill eachother so nobody else dies, bUuUUt, that isn’t just it, >:3 If they are caught killing another student, a class trial is held to decide if they are guilty or not guilty.

The classes themself are basically hell, Well.. A very diluted version of it, xDD

3 students would be chosen every class for the “activity”, and by that, I mean possibly tortured. I’m getting there, Okay? I’ve only been working on this idea for 2 days off and on, xDDD

I have to put 20 characters in here, Not including the 3 “priests”. Aka Vritra, Nyven, and Myron-

But uh-

Heres what I have so far for the characters, xDD

Mindset’s characters

- - -

Lazarus - A precious bunny boi, he’s pretty damn shy, except for.. Uh.. That 2nd and 3rd part, xDD The Poor bapy breaks easily under pressure and has trouble even looking at people,

Lazarus: ..? O-Oh..I-I’m Sorry.. I’ll leave..

Lazarus: What do you mean..?! That’s so goddamn stupid! AGGH.. JUST SHUT UP ALREADY, WONT YOU?!

Lazarus: ..Hmph.. I’m already quiet as it is.. Why *should* I shut up?

Rowan - Maxwell’s twin, she’s majorly narcissistic and bossy, but she can be.. Kind of nice at times, But she’s super fukn pretty, so there’s that? xDD

Rowan: Haaahh? You better have a good reason for interrupting my nap!.. >:C

Rowan: OI. Perv, Give me your jacket, It’s cold.

Rowan: Hmph, Dumbass.. Making me do stuff myself.. What does he think I am?!..

Maxwell - Rowan’s twin sister, she’s the smarter of the two, obviously, Rowan is fucking stupid, xDD Maxwell doesn’t exactly hesitate to insult someone, Or.. Hesitate on kind of anything, Though due to that, she has never exactly had any friends so she gets all excited and shit when she makes a friend, so that’s cute, xDD

Maxwell: No, it’s not that, it’s the other answer, Jeez.. Are you really that dense?

Maxwell: Woooahhh..~ I have a friend! .o.

Maxwell: Tch, Shut it, you’re starting to annoy me..

Aromara - Myron’s favorite student, Even Though she’s a complete pervert, she sees Myron as a big brother and respects him. Though, she lacks any kind of manners. She’s a bit unfinished, tho! But I’m getting there, xDD

Aromara: Fuck yeah! Gimme this shit! >:D **she chugs a can of soda** WOOOOO!~

Aromara: HAHAHAHA! INSULT ME AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN!

Aromara: Wha?! Hey! Shut up! That’s my line! >:0

Isamu - This precious little creature respects any kind of rule, Not hesitating to call someone out on it, he doesn’t blush very much unless someone tries to hold his hand. He hates sweets with a fukn p a s s i o n, but he’s still precious, xDD

Isamu: ..Mmmmm.. xc **red red red-**

Isamu: I really appreciate it!.. But.. I don’t like sweets. Sorrry,

Isamu: That’s.. A lie.. At the start of the trial you said you were in class 102? You filthy liar! Liar liar pants on fire!

Edgar - A big fukn teddy bear, Not literally, He’s just really tall, xDD he’s pretty damn childish in the long run, Though, he only has one eye and no mouth, He manages, he usually writes down in a little note pad to talk to people. Truthfully, he has never even mentioned religion once, the only reason he’s in the basement of the school is because people think he looks like a demon.

Edgar: . . . “I don’t understand.. What do you mean?.. I know I look a little weird but I’d never hurt someone..”

Edgar: . . .

Edgar: ..”I’m sorry.. I can’t speak..”

Myron - A superficial, verbally abusive bean, he rarely acts kind to people, Not even Nyven, he’s iconic for being the loudest and strongest of the 3, Truthfully he was saddened to see his “little sister” put in the basement, but he probably wouldn’t hesitate to kill her.

Myron: Hmph, All I wanted to do was help. How rude of you.. I can’t believe you.

Myron: Get off of me, you dumb bitch, I aint’ your “big brother”, Aromara. Let alone, friend, Leave me alone, I’m busy. (Aromara: bRotHer tHiS iS bEtRaYaL ;O;)

Myron: Oh.. It’s okay, I don’t mind as long as it pleases me, After all.. Your mine, got it?

Nyven - A sort of.. Biopolar bean, one second he’s acting all shy and shit and the next he’s stabbing your eye out, Tsuyoshi learned that the hard way. Also may have a few yandere tendencies and very sadistic but we don’t talk about that, xDDD

Nyven: ..Sorry about this, I can’t let you continue through here, So leave before I must use force.

Nyven: Love.. Oh my honey.. Ahhh.. Is this what Love feels like..? I love it.. I love it! I’ll never let go of this feeling! Ahh.. uwu (Creep, lOl)

Nyven: Mmm.. I’m sorry.. Are you just a pussy or are you really gonna step up to save them?

Tsuyoshi - Hes a new bean that I just added, I’m planning on him to slack off a lot during class and shit and mostly just be really easily pissed off, Though, his only friend is Isamu who has, Might i say, dragged him across the floor to class one day. Moral of the story, He’s a lazy ass hOe, xDDD

Tsuyoshi: ..Mmh.. Don’t give a shit.. Go on without me..

Tsuyoshi: ..Eh? What the hell? That’s not what I meant, Jackass.. Now let me sleep.

Tsuyoshi: Why do you think I killed him? Do you really think I have the time to do any of that shit? I’m busy doing more important things. Like sleeping.

Vritra - This guy is so easily obsessed, He easily falls in love, which might I say will probably play a part once he appears, He’s.. Definitely a low-key demon, Only one of the 5 main characters able to see his horns an tail (a boi named Shiro). Whilst Nyven and Myron.. Might know? It’s hard to tell.

Vritra: ..Hehehe..~ Look, Veve! His eye has fallen out.. He’s starting to decompose!~ Isn’t it just wonderful..? Haha..~

Vritra: ..How boringg..~ I was really excited to execute someone today!~ xc *he sighs* Maybe tomorrow.. qmq

Vritra: Comebackcomebackcomeback!~ Don’t run from me!~ I’m going to catch you anyway..!~ Where have you hidden, my dear?~ I know you’re in here.. Ehehe..~

And for the main characters I mentioned earlier!

Those characters are gonna be played by my girlfriend, Izzy. I haven’t exactly gotten her to make examples of their personalities and shit, but I don’t mind explaining them myself, xD

Shiro - An awkward boio, He’s a hint of stoic with extra truth. Tbh I’m excited for this boio, xDD

Strawberry (gonna be changed) - He’s pretty chill, flirty at times, but probably gonna handle all of the murders the easiest.

Lucy - Obsessed with the idea “perfect”, henceforth why she ends up hanging around Rowan a lot (who is far from perfect because she’s such a bitch, but eh, xDD) And she’s pretty insecure of her own body, sadly. Love this bean, tho, xDD

Yuri - ..I honestly have no idea how to describe her, I know that here, she’s probably gonna be one of the first to go, she seems like she would break really easily under pressure, Poor Yuri, xDDDD

*..forgot the name - This is Yuri’s brother, he’s really fukn chill and harmonicas his sadness away, he’s probably gonna handle everything okay-ish until Yuri dies, which is sad, but hey! Most of the characters are gonna die anyway. xDDDD

So.. Yeah,

That means I only need to makee.. 8 more characters? I think? xDD

Aromara

Lazarus

Edgar

Tsuyoshi

Maxwell

Rowan

Isamu

Strawberry

Yuri

Lucy

Shiro

Yuri’s brother

So that’s 20 - 12, Woo! 8 characters left! xDDDDD

Batteries not included

— — —

Nyven

Myron

Vritra

Welp, That’s all folks! That’s Mindset. xDDD

[theteablogger]

Andy’s Instagram

I said in my "I'm back" post that Andy is still engaged in some of his old behavior patterns on his Instagram. He said last fall on Facebook that he has "no real interest in maintaining the big public persona fandom thing," but that was and is obviously not the case. Here is a run-down, with screenshots in case he deletes things. Other people's faces and usernames will be censored and comments will only be included if they're relevant in some way.

Overidentification with a fictional character

This is the most obvious element of Andy's Instagram behavior: the majority of his photos concern or are linked to Bucky and the MCU in some way. Until very recently, if he wasn't actually in costume for the photo, his comment would talk about how much his hair looks like Bucky's, he'd refer to himself as Bucky, or Bucky would appear in the tags. To some extent, this is normal for cosplayers on Instagram and other social media platforms; however, given Andy's history, it seems like a terrible idea for him to engage in this sort of behavior.

Remember, this is the guy who verbally, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, and otherwise abused a number of people for years and tried to excuse his actions by claiming that his mental illness/es had caused him to believe, among other things, that he was the embodiment of various fictional characters and some real people, and/or was in contact with them as they existed in parallel universes, and that everything he did was necessary to save the world. Only four years ago, he said that he'd been writing something from Neville Longbottom's point of view and suddenly started to see and hear this fictional character in the room with him. Within the last three years, he was explicitly tying in Destiel with his relationship with Brittany in SPN meta posts. Just last year, he was claiming to have very specific sense-memories of New York in the 1920s and '30s, but lampshaded it by saying that he probably picked up some information during "the gap-filled years", which he felt made him even more like Bucky. This was around the same time that he started talking about how his hair had mysteriously changed color all on its own to look exactly like Bucky's, much as it changed when he "became" Elijah Wood and Orlando Bloom.

As I and others have said time and again, if Andy honestly believes that he did horrible things to people due to mental illness making him unable to differentiate fantasy from reality, why would he ever engage in behavior that risks triggering an event like that again?

Here are just a few examples:

#buckyhair and #buckywiththegoodhair come up a lot.

Andy’s hair just naturally looks like Bucky’s. Yup.

Of course a fictional character's training has any bearing at all on Andy's real-life abilities.

This post has nothing whatsoever to do with Bucky, but note the hashtag.

I find it very hard to believe that Andy's really been planning this tattoo for years and that it has nothing to do with Bucky. I guess we’re supposed to believe that it’s a huge coincidence that the current design and his future plans for it coincide so well with the placement of Bucky’s metal arm. Without explicitly saying so, he offers this as evidence of how he’s “so connected to Bucky”.

Yes, Andy himself is a superhero.

Again, there is no actual Bucky in this post.

Here, Andy over-dramatizes his actions while being hit by a car to make it seem as if he responded in much the same way that a highly trained supersoldier would. Someone replies, "You are literally Bucky oh my god are you okay??"

Andy also says on his Instagram that his Bucky cosplay has motivated him, more than anything has before, to work out and to get in better shape. While this is a good goal to have, it's worth noting that talk of/promises to change lives for and by means of fandom (and characters that Andy channeled or embodied) was a major component of the BagEnders and DAYD cults. In the latter case, getting into better physical shape was part of it, with “Dumbledore’s Boot Camp” and the cross-country hikes.

Tying fandom in to real-life politics and world affairs

This was also posted on tumblr. The text is a paraphrased quotation from The Avengers, from the scene in which Captain America saves the life of an elderly German man (by implication a survivor of the Nazi regime) who is the only one brave enough to stand up to Loki.

Andy is hardly the first person to conflate being a slash fan with political or social activism, but considering his history, this gets an extra hard eyeroll from me. People's lives are at stake due to LGBTQIA persecution in Russia, so naturally it's an extremely emotionally charged issue, and Andy is right there to take advantage of that. He also talks about learning Russian, supposedly for career reasons, although people on tf-talk have pointed out that the Russian film system is closed to outsiders, the field is rather crowded in Eastern Europe, and oddly enough, people in countries that are not Russia tend to speak primarily non-Russian languages. (A Russian class did not appear on Andy's Spring 2017 transcript, so he only took it for one semester, if at all.)

I also notice that he says he's "about to learn a lot about Russian time zones", as if he's never had a Russian friend before. One of the women that he emotionally manipulated via tumblr and Skype is Russian and lives in Russia.

This is not the only post of Andy as Bucky wearing a POW/MIA shirt as part of his cosplay and using hashtags like #honorourvets and #powmia. If he really wanted to honor military personnel, a minority group, etc., he wouldn't use them as props to draw more attention to himself.

Another post about cosplay and slash fandom as a form of activism. What a shame that his cosplay partner puts his real-life relationship ahead of "being a tree by the river of truth", and that his fiancée puts her discomfort with "anybody else gettin' their hands on her man" (as Andy says in the video) ahead of their great chemistry. [/sarcasm]

Andy has repeatedly made passive-aggressive comments about this man's being unwilling to do Stucky photos because of his and his fiancée's boundaries. I didn't think much of it until I noticed that a comment giving Andy kudos for showing respect had been met with pontification about how he would really love to be able to do Stucky photos, but "real life romances come first" and he wouldn't want to do a Stucky shoot with a "stunty, stilted, or no-homo vibe".

I also think the way he refers to his "wonderfully devoted fan following" in Russia speaks volumes about how he thinks of them. Everyone is just a means to an end, and usually that end is narcissistic supply.

Here's some post-election political Bucky art. Run through Google Translate, the caption reads (bolding mine):

I'm sorry that my Russian is bad, small and new. I'm grieving for America tonight. I do not believe in religion. I believe in God. I do not think I found this place by accident. Here I learned that a place can have bad leaders, bad laws and good, strong, kind people. It's Russia. Now it will be America too. I hope we can change and have good leaders and good laws.

He continues to portray himself as wise, compassionate, and haunted by the fact that the rest of the world is not equally so. This also continues his old pattern of imparting mystical significance to his participation in a fandom.

Using superhero imagery "to highlight the problems faced by real world vets" on Veterans Day seemed disrespectful to Andy…so instead, he posted a picture of Cap and an apology to veterans for Trump's having been elected. Because that's completely different.

International Women’s Day. See previous point about his use of people and issues as attention-getting devices.

Courting younger, politically-minded people with condescension and a hefty dose of misinformation

Here are just a couple of Andy's posts about the 2016 presidential election:

I can't even tell you how many times Andy made tumblr posts inviting random strangers to his (his parents') house to hang out and have fun; this is the same old story from another angle. Anything to lure new people into his influence. (This video is incredibly condescending, by the way.)

This (part 2) (part 3) is the Instagram version of this misleading tumblr post. I'm going to go ahead and admit that this and several other tf-talk comments about his BS surrounding the election were from me because I was incredibly angry about Andy's once again taking advantage of people's completely justified fears about a volatile situation.

See also this brief but masterful takedown of his "shh everything will be fine" tumblr post after the election.

Here's a completely unironic post (part 2) (part 3) about how back in the day, only intelligent, right-thinking people had the ability to share their opinions with large numbers and wide ranges of people—but now any jackass pleb can get on the internet and spin anything in any way that they want, to reach any nefarious end. "Credentialed experts, not Instagram gurus. Data, not anecdotes." There he is again, hiding in plain sight.

Talking about how poor he is

It mainly takes the form of the usual posts about doing or making XYZ impressive thing on a shoestring budget because Andy Is Wise and Resourceful, but there's also this (part 2).

Stupid art school! Not only do they expect Andy to take art classes instead of just accepting that he is The Most Talented; they also expect him to purchase supplies! Thus he can no longer attend VA ComicCon…unless his friend knows "a magic money tree or a way to get free tickets." One or the other must have materialized, because he made it to the con anyway. Obviously Andy's friends are free to pay for things for him if they want to, but remember that he has a history of lying or "bending the truth" to get money out of people.

Making and endorsing extremely poor decisions

Yes, he says that he only had one Oxy with his giant tumblr (sic) of wine. That doesn't matter. It's unwise to mix any amount of opiates with alcohol, and equally unwise to discuss it publicly, especially given his tendency to encourage much younger people to regard him as some sort of font of wisdom and life advice.

This is how Andy achieves the one-armed Bucky look. Yes, a lot of people can pop their shoulders in and out of joint at will, but it's a bad idea, especially given the amount of time that he spends with it in this condition.

I spoke with the same doctor whom I consulted about the horrific binding injury that Andy claimed to have sustained. They said that repeatedly dislocating one's shoulder is very likely to cause instability of the joint, which can be debilitating (and quite dangerous, I would think, if his shoulder went out while lifting weights or something). Additionally, every time his shoulder is popped out and reset, Andy risks incurring torn muscles and stretched or torn ligaments/tendons, a trapped nerve, and vessel damage. Some of these effects become increasingly likely the longer it's out of joint. Andy, if you happen to read this, please stop doing this stupid thing. I may not like you, but I don't want you to injure yourself, for fuck's sake. And please stop instructing other cosplayers in how to accomplish dangerous things for the sake of a costume.

I have no idea whether Andy was checked out by medical personnel after he was hit by the car. I hope so. It's the #noexcuses tag that really gets to me. Attention, everyone: never, ever assume that you are 100% okay to engage in strenuous physical activity after an incident like being hit by a fucking car. It doesn't matter how slowly it was moving at the time. Without a thorough physical examination, you cannot be sure that you haven't sustained a non-apparent injury that will cause trouble later. Something like this is absolutely a valid reason not to go to the gym the next day, as intense cardio or weight training may exacerbate damage of which you are not yet aware. This post of his is incredibly irresponsible.

Promoting DAYD

Last October, in a post that featured photos of the GoT feast, Andy referred to DAYD as "a fairly popular HP companion novel", as if it were the HP equivalent to the Star Trek novels rather than a fanwork.

Andy continues to urge new people to check out the fan novel that he used as the basis for the second cult of personality in which he manipulated and took advantage of a great many people. (Also, DAYD got a neutral, one-line mention in an Atlantic Monthly article alongside Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, but okay.)

He is so hoping that someone will ask about that tattoo.

Grooming female companions

I'm not sure what other word to use for Andy’s relationship with this person, as public information about it is limited to what appeared on Instagram. Please understand that I am not judging her at all and do not wish to identify her in any way. Considering Andy's behavior with Abbey, Brittany, L, Silven, and others among his female friends/followers, I think it's important to talk about it.

This is the first overtly romantic cosplay picture that Andy has posted in MCU fandom. His cosplay partner’s comments are very telling:

It really was the best day for me. … I love you my handsome cosboyfriend you seriously are my best friend my love and I truly believe my partner I know when you call me "your" Natalia that I am loved and care for more than I could ever imagine. I love you

If this person is roleplaying as Natasha, it makes no sense to refer to Bucky as her "cosboyfriend". She is talking about Andy. Whatever is going on here is pretty fucking intense. And given his proclivity for redheads, it is not lost on me that he has selected a character who’s had a canonical relationship with a red-haired woman in the past, giving him an excuse to act out scenes like this.

Here is a romantic photoset of Andy with the same woman, to whom he now refers as "the cosgirlfriend". She replies,

I love you my beautiful cosboyfriend … By the way you owe me roses now … [you're] the beauty im the beast

A commenter asks whether this is "canon, or just two beautiful people being beautiful together," wondering whether Andy and this fellow cosplayer are an IRL couple. Andy neatly dodges the question by referring to the comics.

Andy's "cosgirlfriend" has also called him gorgeous, left a suggestive comment on one of his bathbomb photos, talked about missing him/his face, and referred to him as "baby" and "dear". All of her comments were left within ten days, and of course Andy didn’t respond publicly to any of them. In my opinion based on what Andy has done many times over, the little information that I have (not all of which I am comfortable sharing) suggests that this may have been another situation in which he love-bombed a woman and quickly established what she felt was a very close, deep relationship with romantic possibilities, and then backed off just as quickly. As of 5/30, Andy had taken down the first picture of the two of them and she'd asked for the second to be removed as well. He did so earlier this month. I have not attempted to contact this person, as I feel that would be crossing a line, but I'm guessing that she requested their removal because she’d received negative attention and/or warnings about Andy.

Miscellaneous

I will not share screenshots of these, but Andy has posted several pictures of himself with young children. He loves kids, perhaps in part because they tend to be so much more credulous than adults and they make great attention-getting props. In one notable instance, he posted a picture and video of a little boy from Romania, who he said was a huge Captain America fan who'd love to hear from Sebastian Stan. Andy and some of his friends tagged the actor several times in the posts and comments. All the boy talked about in the video was his Pokemon fan creations, while Andy tried hard to drag the conversation around to Cap and Bucky. The picture that he posted was also Pokemon-related, as was a later image of a drawing the child had made. It seems likely, given his past behavior, that Andy is using this child (who may or may not be interested in Marvel characters at all) to gain the attention of the actor who plays the character around whom his life currently revolves.

Andy has consistently referred to the kittens as "our babies" for a couple months now, which is understandable because he lives with them, but also makes me nervous because of his history with the rabbit, the mouse, and Boo.

He recently shared a picture of himself with a very good Seven of Nine cosplayer and called back to his days in the Star Trek: Voyager fandom. Reminding people of the first time that you lied your ass off to a fandom for attention is probably not a great idea, Andy.

Here he is using another flimsy excuse to humblebrag about his alleged genius IQ, which he's been doing from the very beginning. Andy never changes.

Andy also now has a Patreon on which he is offering a tutorial for Bucky’s metal arm. Someone at tf-talk has noted that his bio includes a different origin story for his costuming interest than he gave in Viva La Cosplay. Then, he wanted to appear charmingly naïve and to make his work look more impressive by claiming a lack of experience. Now, he wants to look super legit to attract more patrons.

The higher reward tier includes a 20-minute [Facebook] messenger session for Q&A and for Andy to talk the patron through customizing the arm for themselves. A) Facebook’s policies mean that a lot of people will have to give Andy their RL names for this...which is one reason that he likes using Facebook. B) That doesn’t seem like very much time to go over customization. Would any cosplayers like to weigh in on this?

#andythanfiction #andrew blake #andy blake #bucky #mcu #cosplay #social justice

[zodiac-queens]

The Signs as my Favourite Men in Literature

*Careful! Contains elements of sarcasm.

Rhett Butler, sexy and sarcastic twat with a heart of gold (literally, because he is that rich) who enjoys making fun of everything and everyone and watching dumb people being dumb // Aries

brutally honest, handsome, physically strong, sarcastic, selfish, self-confident, drawn by goodness, afraid of rejection, wild behaviour, rebellious, charming, “ungentlemanly”, often amused and seldom serious

Edmond Dantès (Count of Monte Christo), a very decent guy who is imprisoned without any logical reason but manages to break out, starts a spicy campaign to avenge himself upon all the dumbasses who turned him in, becomes rich and powerful, HOT! // Taurus

kind, honest, innocent, living by traditional codes, naturally intelligent, honorable, driven by duty, loving, forgiving, later bitter and vengeful, hateful, resourceful, imaginative, protective

Mr. Fitzwiliam Darcy, a snobbish and arrogant jackass who so mercifully decided to propose to Elizabeth “against his better judgement” when he obviously could’ve had every woman in England // Gemini

honest, self-confident, feels superior, prideful, arrogant, assuming, sensitive, later easygoing, introverted, great communicating skills, great at analysing and organizing, has own set of values, dismissive, aloof, brave and stubborn, protective, chivalrous

Jay Gatsby, a romantic and gentle flower that is ridiculously obsessed with the past and can’t get over himself, seemingly thinks he’s the nicest guy in the universe and a beast in bed, tbh why would Daisy even look at other men? // Cancer

dreamer, restless, delusional, charming, gracious, enigmatic, kind-hearted, determined, wealthy, passionate, dedicated to love, optimistic, energetic, loving, lives in another world, giving, caring, nostalgic

Harry Potter, a dork who needs friends who save him from all the stupid bullshit he attempts to do, he wouldn’t even have managed to get through the first year of school without Hermione and Ron, being his companion includes being dragged into some seriously concerning and dangerous shit // Leo

brave, strong, devoted to his beliefs, strong-willed, warm-hearted, hot-tempered, impulsive, lack of emotional control, moody, witty, curious, protective, loving, humble, loyal, forgiving, grateful, stubborn, modest

Sherlock Holmes, a mental trainwreck and annoying know-it-all, I really understand why Dr. Watson is the only one who can stand his company because there’s not enough patience in the world to deal with this one, but I guess masterminds have to be hoes with a god-complex // Virgo

high intelligence, perceptive to details, workaholic, concentrates strongly, energetic, perfectionist, possesses a genius mind, creative imagination, stubborn, narcissistic, understands and analyzes human behaviour, lacks empathy for others, supresses emotions, overthinker

Atticus Finch, tbh I don’t know if there is a bad thing I could say about this man, he is a great and loving father, he is a badass lawyer and he shoots like a young god, i mean look at him! who wouldn’t want to be Mrs. Finch? // Libra

kind-hearted, fair, stern but loving, honest, consistent, fights for justice, calm, quiet, moral, open-minded, courageous, strong-minded, respectful, faithful, wise, empathetic, intelligent, omniscient, great guide/Mentor

Edward Fairfax Rochester, a rude and horny but romantic dude who totally forgot that he locked his wife in the basement and thinks bigamy is a perfectly legit thing // Scorpio

excessively passionate, guided by senses, good at reading other’s minds, wild, desires a new life, pompous, genuine, often incapable of restraining his desires, dark and brooding, seeks innocence and freshness in contrast to his troubled life, deeply loving

Enjolras, a super-handsome hunk who thinks about the Revolution 24/7, honestly so much wasted potential because where’s the romance?, but then again it is borderline sexy to fight for what you believe in // Sagittarius

believes in democracy and freedom, charming but also capable of being terrible, rebellious, determined, ambitious, stubborn,  passionate, wild, beautiful, has radical beliefs, stoic, unafraid, “gives more light”, typical leader

Macbeth, incredibly hot and brave warrior who has some trouble with his self-esteem and has to show his wife what a manly man he is, totally obsessed with power which is sexy at the beginning but then it just gets weird // Capricorn

brave and capable warrior, consuming ambition, self-doubt, powerful, lonely, feels guilty, very manly, kind at the beginning, treacherous, imaginative, ruthless, gullible, loving towards his wife, loyal when not inflicted with his ambition, arrogant, respectful

Jean Valjean, a former prisoner with a giant heart and a helper syndrome, tbh it’s a little bit annoying how good he actually becomes, particularly because he has a shit ton of own problems including a cop whose only mission in life is to catch him // Aquarius

honest, hard-working, compassionate, loving, willing to discover goodness, helps others, has a giant heart, idealist, takes responsibility if necessary, brave, selfless, intelligent and perceptive, strong and agile, protective, soft-hearted

Heathcliff, a really sexy beast with the attitude of a bad boy, can’t get over his first and only love and obviously has to behave like the biggest jerk on earth, obsessed with Catherine to the point where it gets really creepy, anyway I guess sex with him takes you to paradise // Pisces

wild and natural, amoral, cruel, possesses stormy emotions, vengeful, hates and loves with the same intensity, cares for those he loves and desires, obsessive, loyal, passionate, powerful, adventurous but silent child, mysterious

#literature #zodiac #zodiac queens #astrology #literature men #heathcliff #jean valjean #mr. rochester #mr darcy #count of monte cristo #rhett butler #jay gatsby #macbeth #enjolras #harry potter #mr.finch #atticus finch #sherlock #sherlock holmes #all signs #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #capricorn #sagittarius

[imnottrulyjust-blog]

What depression is like

I wake up from a stupor fully remembering the nightmare was experiencing. The demons haunting me in my sleep. Her voice so clear near my ears just to have it muted by her mocking laughter.

♪I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed ♪

I reach or my phone to answer, but it’s not ringing. “Am I awake or still dreaming?” I could’ve sworn I heard her ringtone. I wonder if she went to sleep okay last night. I hope she wakes up well today. If I pray to an apparently non-existent deity, will she have a nice day today? Wait, what day is it today?

My body feels the net force of a neutron star acting on it while trying to will my ass out of bed each morning. Almost all light sources damage me; I say almost, because the light displayed by my smartphone while verifying if she still has me blocked on social media gives me a few seconds of hope while the apps load; almost, because the same light displayed by my phone while browsing my collection of pictures of her bring you a smile that is shattered by a scream of agony mixed with an endless stream of tears flowing from my dead eyes. Then again, she hated seeing me cry.

My pets, my loyal guardians and companions, whimper at my feet due to the lack of affection from their master. How long until they turn feral? Doesn’t matter. They’d be doing me a favour if they ate away at my body while I sleep. Then again, she wasn’t a huge fan of pets and would’ve taken them to a shelter to find a new home.

Oh, shower time. Some say the water running down your body washes away your pains. Fools! You’re just making space for new miseries. The only solace of being inside your shower is not having to be worried about flushing the toilet after taking a piss. So what if you pee on your feet? She’s gone anyhow; you don’t matter. A bit of body wash and nobody will even know you also stepped on a bit of shit after cleaning your anus. Then again, she was always a clean freak.

Well, I guess there’s also a benefit in being able to clean up fast after masturbating inside the shower. Oh, that sweet mixture of serotonin and oxytocin. What peaceful 60 seconds after cumming! You work at it for 60 minutes while trying to think of anything other than her and you get a full minute of relaxation. Whoop dee fucking do! Then again, she would get upset if I was moody.

Medical experts say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, fuck you. I wasn’t even supposed to wake up today, or ever again, and now you want me to cook something for myself? Then again, she would get worried if I didn’t take care of myself.

Need to get dressed for work. How bloody stupid is it that we can’t go to work wearing sweat pants and a comfortable t-shirt? Who the fucking hell cares if I don’t wear a suit every day I need to have a meeting with the higher ups? What does it matter if I don’t wear a button-up shirt every other day? Let me wear my Rick & Morty shirt or my witty engineering shirt every now and then. I know my boss wears his when he’s out with his family. Then again, what if I see her on my way to work? She liked when I dressed up nice.

“You’re a great manager! Keep up the good work! You saved the company millions with that study, so we hope you stick around for many years to come!” What does it matter? Any jackass with half a brain and respect for the job can achieve good result, until a student trained by me shows up asking for a job and takes mine away. Then again, on special occasions, she’d tell me how proud she was.

♪ I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed. Get along with the voices inside of my head ♪

Did my phone get hacked? I swear I keep hearing her damn ringtone.

Lunch time. I remember a time when friends would make fun of how much I would eat and envy the fact that I would stay in shape. That seems like ages ago, back when I still felt joy from doing physical activity. Back when I tried my damnedest to look good for her. Why should I care if I look good for myself? It’s not as if I’m a narcissist. Then again, she was always fond of looking her best. She always did, even when wearing sweat pants, a Star Wars shirt, and no makeup.

I look at the time, and somehow it’s already time for me to go to the university to help students with their final projects. What the fuck? Can I travel through time? I was eating lunch just a few minutes ago and it’s suddenly 4:30pm. I hope she was able to have lunch.

I dread going to the university. She’s still taking classes there and our times coincide. However, the students need me. They’re all missing titles for each figure, table, and chart; figures are not properly aligned; the data is poorly explained; the table of contents is manually formatted; no APA-style references; lackluster conclusions. Honestly, these reports are almost as mediocre and worthless as I am. I can’t let them hand in that shit. Just the way I helped her out polish her own work until the Sun rose in the morning.

“Since you’re too busy helping others, I can go fend for myself. I can take care of myself just fine. I have my own resources.” Is that all I am to her? A resource? No. I’m beneath that. KNOW YOUR PLACE, FOOL!

It’s late. I can finally go home, but why should I? My pets are there, but if anything happened to me, my closest friends would make sure that my furry pals get new, proper homes. I can easily build up enough speed on the highway to smash into a fully loaded semi-truck. Although, what if I survive? What if I only get badly injured? How am I going to explain what happened? “Sorry officer, I just really wanted to end it all and thought that ignoring my knowledge of physics and probabilities was a fantastic idea!”

What if my mother tries to keep me alive as a vegetable? What about my friends?

What about her? Would she care? Yeah, what about her?! Somebody, please, tell me! Would she care?! IS SHE EVEN AWARE OF HOW I FEEL?! GOD, ZEUS, BUDDHA, ANYBODY, PLEASE!!!! DOES SHE EVEN REALLY GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT HOW I FEEL?!?!?!?!

My chest hurts. I can’t breathe. Stop yelling at me! My chest fucking hurts! Am I having a heart attack? I can’t be having a heart attack I’m too young for a heart attack whatthehellisgoingon STOP YELLING what is this amIgoingcrazypleasestopyelling AM I GOING INSANE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!

♪ I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed. Get along with the voices inside of my head. You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath. ♪

My phone’s battery is dead. I must be hallucinating her ringtone. More importantly, how the hell did I get home? I know I was getting into my car just a minute ago. Maybe I should have dinner, albeit a late one. How about a banan… where did this box of fried chicken come from? When did I stop for food?

I eat about a third of the fried chicken.

And a banana.

With chocolate milk.

…because I can.

She’d probably scold me for eating poorly.

Time flies when you’re correcting written reports, browsing memes on social media, watching Netflix on your smart TV, and absentmindedly looking at all types of porn on Pornhub, Gelbooru, and Tumblr. How the hell did I reblog 100 images, gifs, and videos?

5:00 AM. Must’ve dozed off at some point. I can finish correcting tomorrow along with the 3 reports that are due in the afternoon, 2 meetings, e-mails, phone calls… I hope she’s okay.

♪ I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed. Get along with the voices inside of my head. You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath. And you think I’m crazy, yeah, you think I’m crazy. ♪

Yeah, I think you’re crazy, but I know you’re amazing.

Good night and sweet dreams. If anything is to happen to you, may the universe instead direct it towards me. I love you.

♪I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed ♪

I reach or my phone to answer, but it’s not ringing. “Am I awake or still dreaming?” I could’ve sworn I heard her ringtone. I wonder if she went to sleep okay last night. I hope she wakes up well today. If I pray to an apparently non-existent deity, will she have a nice day today?

Wait, what day is it today?

#i feel lonely #i feel like shit #i feel like crying #thoughts #my dark days #missing you #missing her #thinking of her #thinking of you #depression #poetry #poets on tumblr