imnottrulyjust-blog
Searching for a Purpose
Just a place for an INTJ to share his thoughts, ideas, and life events while trying to prove to himself that he is worth something to himself.
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No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.
Heraclitus
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What depression is like
I wake up from a stupor fully remembering the nightmare was experiencing. The demons haunting me in my sleep. Her voice so clear near my ears just to have it muted by her mocking laughter.
♪I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed ♪
I reach or my phone to answer, but it’s not ringing. “Am I awake or still dreaming?” I could’ve sworn I heard her ringtone. I wonder if she went to sleep okay last night. I hope she wakes up well today. If I pray to an apparently non-existent deity, will she have a nice day today? Wait, what day is it today?
My body feels the net force of a neutron star acting on it while trying to will my ass out of bed each morning. Almost all light sources damage me; I say almost, because the light displayed by my smartphone while verifying if she still has me blocked on social media gives me a few seconds of hope while the apps load; almost, because the same light displayed by my phone while browsing my collection of pictures of her bring you a smile that is shattered by a scream of agony mixed with an endless stream of tears flowing from my dead eyes. Then again, she hated seeing me cry.
My pets, my loyal guardians and companions, whimper at my feet due to the lack of affection from their master. How long until they turn feral? Doesn’t matter. They’d be doing me a favour if they ate away at my body while I sleep. Then again, she wasn’t a huge fan of pets and would’ve taken them to a shelter to find a new home.
Oh, shower time. Some say the water running down your body washes away your pains. Fools! You’re just making space for new miseries. The only solace of being inside your shower is not having to be worried about flushing the toilet after taking a piss. So what if you pee on your feet? She’s gone anyhow; you don’t matter. A bit of body wash and nobody will even know you also stepped on a bit of shit after cleaning your anus. Then again, she was always a clean freak.
Well, I guess there’s also a benefit in being able to clean up fast after masturbating inside the shower. Oh, that sweet mixture of serotonin and oxytocin. What peaceful 60 seconds after cumming! You work at it for 60 minutes while trying to think of anything other than her and you get a full minute of relaxation. Whoop dee fucking do! Then again, she would get upset if I was moody.
Medical experts say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, fuck you. I wasn’t even supposed to wake up today, or ever again, and now you want me to cook something for myself? Then again, she would get worried if I didn’t take care of myself.
Need to get dressed for work. How bloody stupid is it that we can’t go to work wearing sweat pants and a comfortable t-shirt? Who the fucking hell cares if I don’t wear a suit every day I need to have a meeting with the higher ups? What does it matter if I don’t wear a button-up shirt every other day? Let me wear my Rick & Morty shirt or my witty engineering shirt every now and then. I know my boss wears his when he’s out with his family. Then again, what if I see her on my way to work? She liked when I dressed up nice.
“You’re a great manager! Keep up the good work! You saved the company millions with that study, so we hope you stick around for many years to come!” What does it matter? Any jackass with half a brain and respect for the job can achieve good result, until a student trained by me shows up asking for a job and takes mine away. Then again, on special occasions, she’d tell me how proud she was.
♪ I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed. Get along with the voices inside of my head ♪
Did my phone get hacked? I swear I keep hearing her damn ringtone.
Lunch time. I remember a time when friends would make fun of how much I would eat and envy the fact that I would stay in shape. That seems like ages ago, back when I still felt joy from doing physical activity. Back when I tried my damnedest to look good for her. Why should I care if I look good for myself? It’s not as if I’m a narcissist. Then again, she was always fond of looking her best. She always did, even when wearing sweat pants, a Star Wars shirt, and no makeup.
I look at the time, and somehow it’s already time for me to go to the university to help students with their final projects. What the fuck? Can I travel through time? I was eating lunch just a few minutes ago and it’s suddenly 4:30pm. I hope she was able to have lunch.
I dread going to the university. She’s still taking classes there and our times coincide. However, the students need me. They’re all missing titles for each figure, table, and chart; figures are not properly aligned; the data is poorly explained; the table of contents is manually formatted; no APA-style references; lackluster conclusions. Honestly, these reports are almost as mediocre and worthless as I am. I can’t let them hand in that shit. Just the way I helped her out polish her own work until the Sun rose in the morning.
“Since you’re too busy helping others, I can go fend for myself. I can take care of myself just fine. I have my own resources.” Is that all I am to her? A resource? No. I’m beneath that. KNOW YOUR PLACE, FOOL!
It’s late. I can finally go home, but why should I? My pets are there, but if anything happened to me, my closest friends would make sure that my furry pals get new, proper homes. I can easily build up enough speed on the highway to smash into a fully loaded semi-truck. Although, what if I survive? What if I only get badly injured? How am I going to explain what happened? “Sorry officer, I just really wanted to end it all and thought that ignoring my knowledge of physics and probabilities was a fantastic idea!”
What if my mother tries to keep me alive as a vegetable? What about my friends?
What about her? Would she care? Yeah, what about her?! Somebody, please, tell me! Would she care?! IS SHE EVEN AWARE OF HOW I FEEL?! GOD, ZEUS, BUDDHA, ANYBODY, PLEASE!!!! DOES SHE EVEN REALLY GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT HOW I FEEL?!?!?!?!
My chest hurts. I can’t breathe. Stop yelling at me! My chest fucking hurts! Am I having a heart attack? I can’t be having a heart attack I’m too young for a heart attack whatthehellisgoingon STOP YELLING what is this amIgoingcrazypleasestopyelling AM I GOING INSANE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!
♪ I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed. Get along with the voices inside of my head. You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath. ♪
My phone’s battery is dead. I must be hallucinating her ringtone. More importantly, how the hell did I get home? I know I was getting into my car just a minute ago. Maybe I should have dinner, albeit a late one. How about a banan… where did this box of fried chicken come from? When did I stop for food?
I eat about a third of the fried chicken.
And a banana.
With chocolate milk.
…because I can.
She’d probably scold me for eating poorly.
Time flies when you’re correcting written reports, browsing memes on social media, watching Netflix on your smart TV, and absentmindedly looking at all types of porn on Pornhub, Gelbooru, and Tumblr. How the hell did I reblog 100 images, gifs, and videos?
5:00 AM. Must’ve dozed off at some point. I can finish correcting tomorrow along with the 3 reports that are due in the afternoon, 2 meetings, e-mails, phone calls… I hope she’s okay.
♪ I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed. Get along with the voices inside of my head. You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath. And you think I’m crazy, yeah, you think I’m crazy. ♪
Yeah, I think you’re crazy, but I know you’re amazing.
Good night and sweet dreams. If anything is to happen to you, may the universe instead direct it towards me. I love you.
♪I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed ♪
I reach or my phone to answer, but it’s not ringing. “Am I awake or still dreaming?” I could’ve sworn I heard her ringtone. I wonder if she went to sleep okay last night. I hope she wakes up well today. If I pray to an apparently non-existent deity, will she have a nice day today?
Wait, what day is it today?
#i feel lonely#i feel like shit#i feel like crying#thoughts#my dark days#missing you#missing her#thinking of her#thinking of you#depression#poetry#poets on tumblr
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A leader is best known when people barely know he exists. When his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves.
Lao-Tzu
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I have great dogs...
At least twice a week, I visit a shop nearby to print new pictures for Her Christmas Scrapbook. Since it had been a while since I had last been able to take my dogs out for a proper walk, I decided to walk to the shop with them.
During the whole visit, the Collie (he has a particular name, so I’ll refer to him as the Collie) was even better behaved than usual. Don’t get me wrong, he is trained and he’s very lovable, but he tends to get hyper when we’re out of the house. The small one, which I’ll call Freya since she is a mutt, is very calm and docile no matter what. Other customers noticed their good behaviour and even asked me if they’re service dogs and I had just forgotten their vests. Told them that no, they’re not service dogs (they’re not).
When I was packing everything to head out, a mom with two kids, a 6 year old daughter and an 8 year old son (I think), looked at my dogs with a very worried look on her face. The kids were giddy while looking at my dogs, but they wouldn’t dare approach. So I got down on a knee and asked the Collie to high-five me. The kids loved that and I told them that they had nothing to fear because the big dog would only attack bad people. They actually asked their mom if they were good kids and we all just laughed.
In short, the kids pet both dogs and the dogs were overjoyed. Their mom had teary eyes and thanked me because her daughter had never dared go near a dog and had to let an old pet some time ago because of the crying. Keep in mind, my Collie is 44 pounds. He’s not a HUGE dog, but he is very energetic and can seem very imposing to a 6 year old girl. It felt good to help a child try to get over their fear of our furry friends.
Bought my own kids some toys and treats. I have very good dogs.
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Wisdom Journal
On approximately November 2015, I started a little journal filled with quotes, references, definitions, and other lines of general wisdom. It’s currently not even halfway full. Originally, it was meant as a personal collection of... wisdom. However, over the past year I’ve realized that there would be a time when I wouldn’t be around anymore due to old age, an accident, war or succumbing to an illness.
For that reason, I thought that this would be a great gift to a son or daughter, assuming I ever become a father. I have in fact added some quotes of my own, but I’ll be keeping those private for now.
Sample pictures below!
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Her Christmas 2017
I’m going to share what I am currently doing for the woman that I consider to be the love of my life as a Christmas gift this year (2017).
Before I show my idea, I’d like to explain that she and I are not together in a romantic relationship, but she is fully aware of how I feel about her and how I’ve felt for quite a few years. She is not a bad person at all and we’ve discussed it, but that’s a story for another day.
So, I decided to start a journal/scrapbook back on Christmas day 2016. In it, I share many different things with her: my favourite movies, TV shows, daily events, accomplishments, poetry, frustrations, thoughts, random ideas, etc. Because of time constraints, I am not able to write every single day (I’ve gone through 78-hour work marathons). However, every Saturday or Sunday I do force myself to write about at least one good thing that happened to me during the week. This is to help myself realize that life isn’t always that bad and sometimes throws me a bone.
Here’s a few shots of the journal itself.
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My favourite book of all time. Hope I can someday get J. L. Bourne to sign my personal copy that I keep in my favourite office. I have 3 offices, but my small one at the university where I teach is my favourite one of all.
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Introduction
Might as well write a brief introduction as my first entry.
For the foreseeable future, I will be remaining anonymous with regards to details as to who I am or where I’m from. The reason for this is because, at the current time of writing, I am going through a professionally-diagnosed depression that stems from my OCD and OCPD (yay...). Even so, I can share a few details that might offer an insight as to who I am as a person.
1) I am a male adult within the age range of 18-50 years old.
2) I am of above-average height for a male. This detail will help explain some of the future possible entries I’ll be writing.
3) I am completely fluent, written and verbally, in English and Spanish. I took a few Japanese and German lessons. Looking forward to picking up German lessons again soon.
4) While writing this list, I noticed that I am also obsessed with lists and should notify my psychologist that he was right regarding that symptom of OCPD.
5) I have a major in engineering (won’t specify which discipline).
6) I work as a project manager/engineer and private consultant.
7) I also teach engineering courses at university level. I love this job with an indescribable passion.
8) I’m a dog person. I adopted a border collie mix (born in a shelter) and a street mutt I rescued that reminded me too much of my past dog of 15 years (died from pancreatic cancer).
9) I like writing poetry.
10) I practiced martial arts for over a decade. Multiple disciplines.
11) I like football (what North Americans refer to as soccer).
12) I like anime.
13) I probably spend too much time on Hulu and Netflix.
14) I enjoy video games.
15) I do have a dark sense of humor that I only let out with really close friends.
16) My OCD and OCPD cause me more trouble and pain than I’d like to admit.
17) I started this blog because I honestly feel that if I’m not working, helping someone out or teaching, then I am completely worthless.
So... guess I’ll learn how to blog with time. That’s about it, I guess.
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