#tbh a lot of this stems from the fact I’m creatively frustrated

[spock-smokes-weed]

I’m just gonna vent my feelings about Star Wars for a bit cus I’ve been overwhelmed by them and I don’t want them to bleed over when talking about the franchise with other fans. ie. get really in my feelings mid conversation and just rant at them. Cus that can be awkward

I find myself overwhelmed at the saturation of Star Wars media that we have rn. Overwhelmed to the point where it hurts my brain and I find myself souring on the originals. There’s just so much. So much where every corner of the universe is being expanded upon and explained and I can’t help but feel like it’s unnecessary. I watched the originals first and there was this certain kind of magic to the fact there was a lot you didn’t know. You were plopped into this world with no explanation and the story just happened. The need to pick at every detail in Star Wars like a scab, to create a whole new thing about of it really takes away from that.

I try so hard not to sound like one of those shitty fucking fanboy who’s like “new Star Wars is RUINING the ORIGINALS” because those people suck, and I don’t want to make other fans feel put down for liking the new things. Or put the original up on a pedestal. It’s not that new = bad. Or what you saw in those movies getting expanded upon is bad. It’s just the capitalism of it all I guess. Disney is going to wring all the blood they can from these stones and I feel like I’m just kinda drowning in blood. Disney being the one who is now dictating what is an isn’t “canon” is always going to be upsetting to me on some level.

The great thing about the legends comics in novels is that it was passionate people who were coming up with ideas one what they personally thought would come next. It was all disjointed and uncohesive by design. There was also the clone wars which was a passion project paid for by Lucas’ own dime. It felt like an infinite possibilities that you could take the universe. But now this Disney, they fully control the narrative on the universe and idk that bothers me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved a lot of these projects. The animation of The Bad Batch gets to be as stunning as it is because of Disney’s money. But I think about the recent season on Mando, and the new Ahsoka show, and all the new movies that have gotten announced, and I just get a fucking headache.

I like when stories have endings, and if I’m being fully honest with myself, Star Wars did end in 2005 with revenge of the Sith. I’m never going to want to think past what happens in return of the Jedi because I don’t need to know. If I want to know I’ll make something up myself. And I guess that’s the whole rub here. I feel completely overwhelmed and paralyzed by the sheer volume of this story that refuses to end, that it’s hard for me to be creative with it. It’s hard for me to care about the main six movies because like, in the shadow of all the new stuff they don’t matter anymore.

I know that’s making me sound like a shitty fanboy again, but I guess what I’m trying to get at is like. It can be hard to carve out your own creative vision for the world of Star Wars when the biggest company in the world is making that creative choice for you. It’s hard for me to get the same kind of creative excitement the first few times I watched the originals, because now when I see Luke I think of CGI mark hamill or bitter old man Luke.

The oversaturation of Star Wars and Disney milking every corner or it makes me feel kinda bad while watching the main six because like. What’s even the point now. If you’re going to make Luke a deadbeat and even end the fucking story, when what’s the point of story the two trilogies were trying to tell in the first place? That’s my most bitter and cynical part talking. But it is something I grapple with

This is a stream of consciousness style ramble, just me getting some of my feelings untangled about the pew pew space movies. I think the things I always come back to is that anything disney makes is not considered “canon” to me. As in the sense I don’t consider it part of main story George Lucas was trying to tell. I don’t say this to mean I hate these things, I love a lot of these shows, but I’m going to take what I like and not consider anything from them set in stone. I don’t want to make it look like I’m sucking Lucas off either, I have my problems with him, but he told a complete story with a beginning and an end. You had the clone wars too, but that’s still supplemental material. I can only view the main six movies as fully canon because they tell a full story that’s really good and is the only thing I really care about. I’m sorry if I suck for that but this is to keep me sane.

#star wars #ramblings #long post #rant #this was long as fuck and incoherent #but I just needed to get it all out and not in my head anymore #star wars fatigue is real #and that sucks because the og six movies are really good and I feel like the story the lucas told us just getting buried #and with it my creativity #tbh a lot of this stems from the fact I’m creatively frustrated #and not making the art I want to make #and maybe if I just shut up and made the damn art I’d feel better

[ashtonq247]

Kaminari Denki headcannons!!

Bc it’s his bday and I love him (this will not cover his fam bc I switch between backstories with him so much that I just have no clue)

Buckle up bc this is a very long post I did not mean to get this deep lol

Let’s start with the most obvious- he makes friends easily, but I’m not just talking other students, I’m also talking the staff. This boy makes friends with the janitors and the lunch ladies and even the teachers!! He also makes friends with the security bots and pranks them a lot

This stems from him wanting ppl to like him. I think this bc of the fact that his character sheet says he likes all things “trendy” - I think he rlly wants to be known as the cool guy bc he is rlly insecure of himself

And as much as I think he is very trendy, I also think he is a big literature nerd! I believe he is more likely to listen to audio books tho, but I’m not entirely 100% sure though. He tries to keep this underwrap, but eventually he does join momo’s book club and brings completely different analysis to the table :D

He is just generally into the arts (we see this in cannon- he plays guitar, is seen drawing Aizawa, references Hemingway) so I see him as a more creative guy rather than a logically minded dude

This boy has adhd, anxiety, and dyslexia and dyscalcula (he was able to work through dyslexia bc he read so much, but still has problems with his dyscalcula) and this causes issues for him in school. He also a HUGE procrastinator. He often feels stupid and dumb bc if it (also doesn’t help that even his friends joke abt it too, but as long as it’s just a joke he shouldn’t make a big deal abt it right??)

I say he has anxiety because of the way he reacts to when he is training- always panicking and frying his brain. I think what stans between him and being rlly op is his anxiety and view of himself

Speaking of him frying his brain, I headcannon he has litchenburg figures, which if u don’t know r these rlly cool scars that look kinda like branches with what kinda looks like flowers so cool tbh, and BEFORE u say “he obviously doesn’t have them cannonly” let me just say that his quirk affects his brain cannonly!! It’s not weird for it to also affect his skin!!! I think he might have had litchenburg figures if they were more commonly known as it is a very cool thing tbh

I also think that bc his brain gets impacted by his quirk, sometimes his nerves get impacted too. This means he sometimes can’t taste food (and he doesn’t eat it when he can’t taste it, which pisses Bakugo off) and he also can’t feel things as well (I believe the class figures this out after Denki went to poor himself some tea but didn’t know the kettle was still rlly hot and so he grabbed it not knowing he was burning himself until he handed it over to someone who then dropped the pot bc it was so hot- needles to say he had to go to recovery girl that day)

He has never been to the aquarium bc as a child he had terrible control over his quirk and that made ppl nervous to put him near water (he goes as a teen with the bakusquad and is absolutely floored- his favorite creatures are of course all the sting rays, jelly fish, and electric eel- cue bakusquad comparing him to the brainless jellyfish)

He also doesn’t know how to swim till he was in middle school (once he was in better control of his quirk he went out and learned to swim on his own bc he had to learn how if he wanted to be a hero u know? He never quit got the hang of it tho)

Storms make him very energized and his already low ability to focus worsens. Prone to accidentally zapping ppl. He mostly stays in his room when storms happen bc he doesn’t want to hurt ppl/ wreck electronics on accident. He doesn’t even get to chat with friends on the phone bc he would wreck it so storms get rlly lonely :(

Also is basically a lightning rod. It hurts bc of how forceful it is, but it’s also not that big of a deal to him

Is prtty forgetful unfortunately due to all the times he fried his brain. It’s something he really tries not to think about

He probs can’t sleep very easily due to all his energy

He hates frying his brain bc it’s very hard to understand what’s going on when he does. Everything is a lot more sluggish and things are simultaneously way too much and he gets hyper sensitive and at the same time his senses are also very groggy and weird. It’s over all a bad time, but he got used to it

Whenever he fried his brain instead of being all wheyyy and thumbs upy he use to act more vegetative which rlly freaked ppl out so he eventually learned to get to where he is now when he fries his brain

Kids use to take advantage of his whey mode and do pranks on him which often got him hurt, but he never rlly felt it at first so he didn’t mind to bad. As long it was just joking and they were having fun right??

Time for happy ones!! His favorite foods (besides burgers, those r his favorite cannonly) all have some coralation with memes (speggeti tacos, mac n cheese, “chonky” milk, chicken nuggy, etc)

He is a meme lord yes

Stans pikachu (obvi)

U cannot convince me that he doesn’t paint his nails black, maybe with a little lightning bolt on his middle finger. This boy cannonly wears a choker common

He does face masks with Mina!! I believe he cares abt his looks greatly, and does beauty routines with Mina all the time. I’m constantly switching btween wether or not he owns it, or is a bit insecure and tries not to show this side to much to the boys

Why does this show not give him skinny jeans?? I mean common his entire style calls for skinny jeans. Maybe it’s Japan fashion or smth bc if it was in America he’d have skinny jeans bc it’s the trendy thing u know

Cannot cook. Can barely work the microwave. Claims unmarked food and eats it at midnight

Has a lot of weird info stored in his brain- how weather works, psychology stuff, weird facts abt bees, etc- that he learns randomly, never rlly trying to learn them but it sort of just happens u know. This frustrates Bakugo and jirou to no end bc he knows all these useless facts about how 1,200,000 mosquitos is all it takes for them to all at once drain a human of all their blood in a second, but not about how to work the pathagorean theorem

Idk why I think this (and it’s a popular headcannon too), but he knows at least 3/4 languages. It just suits him?? Bc he is a ppl person??? I don’t know??

Gets major test anxiety

Teachers either love him or hate him no in between. A lot of his elementary teachers absolutely hated him and would tear him down by calling him stupid and annoying. In middle school when he learns to control his quirk better, teachers rlly liked him- in the way that class clown trouble makers are liked by teachers. He may not excel in his class but he is a pretty funny dude.

He is constantly either underestimated or overestimated. Kaminari himself does this as well. It’s part of the issue with his hero training

Cats do not like him. They may like being petted bc if the static electricity, but when Kami pets cats he just absorbs the static- no pleasure :(((- or he accidentally has too much static electricity. If so then only tge rlly fluffy cats like him. Either case, shinsou finds a cat that likes kaminari as well and it is very cute :33

THE class prankster. Even on the teachers! The death glare Aizawa gave him on the one time prancing him worked is one kaminari will never forget (he still tries to prank him despite this lol)

Constantly teasing Bakugo as a way to press his buttons. It’s debatable on wether or not this helps bakugo’s anger issues

He is the wingman between Bakugo and Kirishima change my mind!!

Also mandatory kaminari is bisexual headcannon bc he rlly gives me those vibes. I think he doesn’t know yet that he’s bisexual, and when he thinks a fellow bro is hot he thinks he’s just admiring his bro u know. Maybe even thinks he is jealous. He does flirt with all genders tho mostly as a joke. He draws dicks as jokes but he always puts a little too much detail in them for him to rlly be straight

Can be used as a defibrillator as long as he can focus

Honestly there’s so much stuff kaminari has the potential to do with his quirk it’s a shame the manga/anime doesn’t use it

Like I rlly want to see him use his quirk in training to blow out all the lights in a building so he can use it for his advantage

That’d be badass

Also his quirk makes him very hard to be caught when their training. He can slip out of ppls grasp easily with a shock, and he also just has good reflexes in genral (I think this is cannon). Cue class 1-a running around trying and failing to catch him lol. Their best bet is to get him to fry his brain :(

He was popular in school before UA bc of his quirk and bc of how charming and easy to get a long with he is. This lead a lot of his friends to be very shallow. He didn’t rlly think about wether or not someone was trying to be his friend or not, he just liked being liked. This lead him to his whole liking trendy things, and he often felt that if he wasn’t seen as cool or funny his friends would all leave him. His whole rlly liking to talk thing caused a lot of ppl to think he was annoying at times, but he was never rlly able to lose that trait

The bakusquad was the first friend group he got rlly close too. He felt he can be himself around them and be the crackhead he was always meant to be. He still always concerned about wether they might leave him if he’s too annoying bc of anxiety but he’s getting better :)

He is a bringer of chaos and that’s part of his charm! Never dull with Denki around. He’s always doing the weirdest stuff, and ever since Mina, Kiri, and Sero, this has only doubled!

He is always calling Momo a genius (bc she is) and they are rlly good friends

Is an unofficial emo squad member (just look at his hero costume)

A sinnamon roll I’m srry but he ain’t a cinnamon roll. He has a dirty mind lol

Peepee jokes

Probably does tik tok dances I’m sorry

Nintendo fan for life

Xbox or PlayStation?- “Nintendo wut u mean”

Abbreviates so much it’s kinda hard to read,. Like if u thought I was bad this boy is soo much worse

It’s kinda ironic bc he has a very large vocabulary lol

He only uses it when he’s being sassy or very passionate

Mixes his gen z lingo with his big brain vicab to create atrocities of sentences

”bro the rise of the proletariat is lit tbh”

He is the worst to text with. He gives Bakugo aneurysms

Yeet yote to be yoted

3am shower thoughts

Unpopular opinion: i don’t think he likes weed. It probs reminds him too much of his whey mode

He’s a good strategist, but let’s the other team members think of the plans bc of insecurity, and otherwise his anxiety causes his smartness to shut down

Very good at zoning out. Sometimes he accidentally zones out so hard during class he misses the entire lesson and is only brought out bc of the school bell. Aizawa is best at snapping him out of it

Tbh I don’t think UA would be good with mental health. You’d think they’d hire a professional therapist or smth, but maybe it’s bc hero’s are so glorified ppl don’t ever think about these issues

I doubt the teachers had very good teacher training u know

We’ve mostly seen young heroes. I bet that’s bc they die so often, and if they don’t die in battle the mental health issues that stem from trauma and the media’s pressure are such an issue that it’s not uncommon for hero work to have high suicide rates

Anyway I’m starting to lose track of things thanks for coming to my ted talk I think I’ll stop here

#bnha denki #bnha kaminari #denki #denki headcanons #kaminari #mha #denki kaminari #kaminari stan #kaminari denki #kaminari analysis #accidently turned into analysis #not gonna lie #happy birthday kaminari

[ilovemygaydad]

A Wrinkle in Time AU

yes, i made a new au. yes, i’m planning to write this as a full au. sue me. i jump from thing to think like a squirrel, okay.

for now, it’s just a list of the characters and their traits (except the twins because they’re a super minor role, and i can’t bring myself to write it rn okay)

pairings: logicality, eventual prinxiety, platonic remileceit, familial LAMT

warnings: swearing, sympathetic deceit (as mx which), anger issues, lashing out, transphobia, queerphobia, homophobia, patton is called a whore one time, trans!male pregnancy, transitioning mentions, deadnaming, misgendering internalized aphobia, crying is mentioned, people are just mean as hell, mild sexism, mentioned abuse, broken families, rumors, mentions of cheating/running away with a woman (as a rumor), mentions of forcing sexuality onto others (as a rumor), mentions of disappearing, mentions of non-malicious lies, selective mutism, self hatred, internalized homophobia, and definitely more that will be added as the story progresses

summary: thirteen year old virgil murry is your typical delinquent, but throw in a dash of having two dads, one of whom is missing, a brainiac little brother who everyone thinks is an idiot, and only two normal family members. it’s a shock, really, that virgil acts the way he does, but it’s even more of a shock when three celestial beings come to take him on a journey to save his father with the help of thomas, the weird little brother, and roman o’keefe, the poster child for stable popular kid.

some random important information about this au:

it mixes up things from the book and the 2018 movie because i said so

exists in a time outside of our timeline (think ‘50s/’60s mixed with present day)

virgil, thomas, the mxs, patton, and (sort of) logan’s appearances all stem a lot from the 2018 movie’s definition of their characters with some other facts thrown in, so you can look those up to get a somewhat decent idea of what they look like

the warnings may seem like a lot, but a lot of them are just brief mentions that are repeatedly scattered throughout the story on occasion

a place for the au to go when i actually write it

everything is under the cut because this is about to get SPICY (aka really fucking long)

Virgil Murry (13 going on 14):

appearance

dark, coiled hair like his dad’s

kept short on the sides and longer on top

the longer bits are unruly and usually flop into his face and eyes

brown eyes that glitter gold and green in the right lighting

they don’t glitter often (or at all, really)

braces with purple rubber bands

a little shorter than he should be for his age

pretty normal physique--if a little bit thin

personality

very worried about his family (and eventually roman, too) all of the god damn time

hot-headed and rash with his words

the most stubborn person ever

tends to be aggressive when he’s upset/worried

easily swaps between emotions (much to his and everyone else’s chagrin, it seems)

uses anger to protect himself from being hurt/his anxiety

defensive of his brother and dad

wardrobe

his jeans are always ripped

round, vintage-style glasses (look up 50s glasses frames and you’ll get it)

he’s ended up with his sneakers being composed of more patches than the original fabric 

his hoodie is equally as worn, and he’s barely allowed to wear it to school anymore because the teachers think it’s “un[professional/becoming/sightly]”

other info

hates his appearance and personality

very smart, but his tendency to use shortcuts in school upset his teachers and lead to bad grades

good at math but not creative stuff

accepts his dads but hates his own sexuality

really misses his father

-

Roman O’Keefe (14)

appearance

pale as hell with tons of freckles

flaming red hair

super tall and thin

baby blue eyes that are super pale and pretty

very conventionally attractive

personality

very friendly

becomes protective and caring immediately

good at conversations and diplomacy

perceptive

good with words

can be kind of awkward/overbearing at times

wardrobe

clean jeans and his school varsity jacket are his go-to outfit

nice basketball shoes

his clothes are always very clean and neat

he takes his clothes very seriously--doesn’t like messing them up

other info

third oldest of his many siblings

weird family life

really smart

skipped two grades

good at the creative stuff

very gay (unfortunately)

kinda maybe has always had a crush on virgil

never believed the rumors about the murry family

-

Thomas Murry (6)

appearance

dark brown eyes and hair

a bit short and small for his age

idk what you want me to say he’s a little boy 

personality

doesn’t speak much when he’s outside of the house

difficult for everyone else to understand

his speech is highly elevated, but he doesn’t elaborate when he’s being confusing most of the time

sometimes arrogant and rude when people are stupid/unkind

wardrobe

an odd mixture of professional and casual clothing

often wears nerdy t-shirts and jeans with a blazer or slacks and a button up with a hoodie

always wears the same type of shoes (red tennis shoes with a yellow star)

other info

was adopted just before father disappeared

feels most connected with his dad and virgil

despite his high intelligence and love for learning, he didn’t start learning to read until he was actually in school because the other kids already disliked him enough as is

he tries not to go ahead in his studies for the same reason

easily frustrated by not knowing things

everyone in town thinks he’s dumb because of his not speaking much thing

ridiculously perceptive--possibly too much so

protective of virgil despite being a kid

-

Mx. Whatsit (Remy; age: old)

appearance

youthful

long hair of all sorts of colors

usually pulled into messy braids or elaborate updos

pale skin that shimmers rainbow colors in direct sunlight

unknown eye color

sharp features (almost inhuman looking)

personality

sassy and blunt

doesn’t completely get social conventions and the idea of being subtle

highly protective of thomas

kind of a bitch sometimes ngl

wardrobe

never without a leather jacket and his aviator sunglasses

everything else is literally random

usually it’s flowy dresses made out of scarves/bedsheets/fabric scraps of all shapes and colors, but sometimes he wears colorful pants and blouse-like shirts

think big top tent meets aerial silks and that’s his aesthetic

other info

uses he/him pronouns

youngest of the mxs

apprehensive of virgil at first (like a lot)

best vocalizer and materializer of the mxs

often messes things up, but he always works to fix what happens

-

Mx. Who (Emile; age: even fuckin older)

appearance

youthful, but a bit older than whatsit

pink hair that’s always pulled into some manner of curly updo

bright blue eyes

brown skin with deep brown freckles

a lot more round features and chubbiness than the other mxs

looks just the tiniest bit off of what a human should look like, but otherwise they pass fine

personality

only (or mostly) speaks in quotes, which makes them difficult to understand at times

very kind, gentle, and loving

enjoys being with the kids

doesn’t speak nearly as much as whatsit

wardrobe

purple crystal glasses with lavender lenses that are hooked to a chain around their neck

lots of very eccentric, patchwork-quilt-lookin clothing

despises shoes with a burning passion

likes wearing different colored ties on their wrists and ankles

other info

easily tired out by speaking freestyle (without quotes) and in full materialization for long periods of time

any pronouns

loves cartoons and visual medias of earth

age-wise in the middle of the mxs

--

Mx. Which (Deceit; age: too old)

appearance

dark brown skin with shimmering patches of scales scattered around his skin

the largest patch of scales covers the left side of his face

right eye is brown and left is yellow

the most inhuman looking of the mxs

tall compared to the other mxs

personality

speaks mostly in lies (aka pretty much all the time)

difficult to understand most of the time

very proper sounding

vague and cryptic

wardrobe

always wearing some sort of hat

looks like a yellow flower most of the time because of his penchant for yellow

otherwise he’s wearing a lot of black

likes wearing formal clothing and bedazzled dresses (very avant garde)

other info

he/they pronouns

oldest of the mxs

very bad at vocalizing and materializing (aka they get tired so fast)

very wise

literally just a cryptid tbh

sounds snakey a lot of the time

-

Patton Murry (Dad)

appearance

very, very pretty

extremely elegant features with long lashes and full lips

similar hair to virgil’s but neater

big, brown eyes

warm, dark skin

kind of short

a bit stocky

personality

manages to hide his upset feelings unless something is really bugging him (it’s usually about his husband, then)

incredibly kind

not extremely social due to the down’s actions towards him

loves his kids and husband so much

represses his bad emotions

hopeful (especially about logan coming back home)

wardrobe

wire-framed glasses

steel-toed boots or old sneakers

everything in his wardrobe basically falls in two categories:

nice clothes for going nice places (like dinner)

lab clothes

lab clothes make up the majority by a long shot and include

nerdy t-shirts

old cardigans

jeans

pajamas (bad etiquette, but highly convenient)

other info

(fully/mostly) transitioned (depending on how you look at it--he’d been pretty masc presenting for a while, but he got top surgery) pretty soon after virgil was born and decided he didn’t want to do that again so the other kids are adopted

often mistreated and misgendered by the townspeople

extremely smart, but people write him off as “dumb” (or a whore) because of his birth gender

loves being a doctor because people (sometimes) won’t refer to him as “mrs”

insists that logan will come home very soon (like he’s been saying for four years)

-

Logan Murry (Father)

appearance

neglected, long brown hair

usually clean shaven (if he remembers)

blue eyes with green and gold flecks

so many freckles

tall and thin with sharp features

looks like a huge nerd

personality

very respectable and serious

overworks himself to keep his family safe and happy

a bit of a hot head and scary when angry (either he’s calm and cold or he’s gonna kick your ass to the next century)

super passionate about physics and the universe

seems cold sometimes but loves his family intensely

secretly a huge softie

wardrobe

doesn’t understand that there are clothes other than lab gear

practical shoes only

likes ties but doesn’t wear them because lab safety is key

only gets new clothes when patton forces him to

very thick glasses

other info

(a lot of this is both him and patton. idk how it got so long, but please just understand that i can’t stop myself from making logan the most badass character okay i just love him)

very coldly defensive of his husband

has punched queerphobes on more than one occasion

gets really angry when their mail deadnames patton or refers to him as anything other than “dr patton sanders”

he once literally marched into a company and screamed at the highest ranking official that his husband is to be referred to as “dr patton sanders” as it is his proper name and title, so why the hell does this letter say “dr logan sanders and mrs [deadname] sanders” on it?

never compares his and pat’s intelligence because they’re both equally smart and knowledgable in different areas, even if patton has fewer doctorates 

he might even argue that patton is smarter because he’s dedicated so much time to his fields of study exclusively, not to mention his emotional intelligence

very supportive of patton no matter what (do you sense a theme here)

was very glad that patton decided that they would adopt their younger kids because logan hated every second of the pregnancy from trying for a baby to birth

he loves virgil so damn much regardless of the emotional turmoil because the kid was such a good reward

came out as sex-repulsed asexual about three months after patton announced that he was pregnant, and patton was pissed that he hadn’t spoken up sooner so they could have tried something different to make logan more comfortable

he’ll never admit it, but hearing the kind, caring words come out of patton’s mouth made logan cry for hours because how the fuck did he find such an incredible, loving husband

disappeared four years ago and no one has heard from him since

it’s rumored that he ran away with another woman (as if there was a woman in his life to begin with)

stories also sometimes include that patton tricked him into being gay (even though he’s a “woman,” right??? people are fucking stupid), and logan ran away from that lifestyle finally

but why would dr. murry just up and leave when he had such a good family and important research to finish? things aren’t adding up, and there’s only one way to figure out what’s going on:

figure out what the actual hell thomas and the mxs are talking about

a place for the au to go when i actually write it

#sanders sides fic #logicality #prinxiety #a wrinkle in time au #m writes things #virgil sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #ts deceit #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit

[gilbertandanne]

So, I don’t expect anyone to comment or come back with their own $0.02 concerning this, but I have to get something off of my anxiety-ridden chest.

*begin rant*

2 0 1 5

That was the year I started writing again.  I saw a ship that gripped my heart so much that I dove into a fandom and read every single fic about the pair I could get my hands on.  Then, I felt inspired to write something.  Then something else. And then something else.

Then came “Serendipity”.

If you’ve interacted with me at all or have followed me for any length of time, you’ve probably seen me post about what eventually turned into that series.  I started tapping into that AU world in 2015 when I thought of a simple premise: what if Lucas didn’t move to New York until his junior year of high school?

Steadily, it morphed into this fic that, quite honestly, became one of the few pieces I’ve written that I can say that, overall, I’m proud of.  Obviously, I would go back and change some things about it if I could, but the general story of it all is something I am proud of.

Then came “Amaranthine”.

I always knew what I wanted the story to be, but after talking to some friends about it, I decided to split the story into two part because the title “Serendipity” didn’t fit it anymore plus an eighty chapter fic seems insanely large. 

So, “Amaranthine” came about, and again, it’s a work that I am pretty proud of. I spent hours upon hours trying to convey a story about love and the complications that stem from characters who aren’t perfect and a world that, quite often, challenges young love.

When it was done, I walked away.  I was, for the most part, happy about how it all went.  I thought I remained true to the characterizations that MJ presented in canon on the show (something that I have ALWAYS made sure to put first in whatever universe I have put them in. I have scrapped entire plot lines to remain true to who these characters are).  I moved on to other, shorter, less emotionally draining fics to give myself a bit of a break, because writing angst and some of the subject matters involved in those fics R E A L L Y took an emotional toll on me.

So, months later, my mind started to go back to that world and I started thinking about how these characters navigated through college and beyond.  I didn’t want to write it at first.  Writing shorter, less angsty fics, was--honestly--a lot more fun.  But I started to get all of these signs (sometimes, quite literally) for the fic title I always said I’d use if I went back for a third part.

And then one day, the plot hit me.

Most of you, at least the few who are still reading this, know the rest of the story.

So, why am I going into this rant on my blog?

Because I don’t really care if you said it in the least abrasive way possible, but telling someone that their characterizations of B O T H of the main characters isn’t good is the quickest way for me to completely shut down creatively.

I’ve grown attached to this world. Two years of constantly working on these fics, spending hours upon hours agonizing over every single word, has made me VERY sensitive to the feedback I receive.  I know that the good outweighs the bad (and that the good has been more than I ever thought I’d receive), but sometimes all it takes is one person to make you question why you even wrote the entire thing in the first place.

I’m sorry you feel the way you do about Riley and Lucas and the way I’ve chosen to present them.  I’m sorry you perceive them to be people they aren’t.  I’m sorry you’ve projected your personal situation onto them.  I’m sorry you’re, quite often, “frustrated” by what I write.  I’m sorry that you had to spend, what, a few hours reading all of this.

But guess what?

I’ve spent an INSANE amount of time developing everything you’ve read.  It takes me a long time to edit a chapter down enough to where I feel like it’s ok enough for other people to read.  I don’t even want to think about how much of my free time I’ve spent in this world.  I write because I enjoy it.  I enjoy getting lost in these little worlds.  I have enjoyed sharing these worlds, but don’t...for one minute...think that you know these characters better than I do.

To correct one thing that was said: he’s not perfect.  He’s grown, absolutely, but his past issues haven’t completely disappeared.  I’ve spent 22 chapters building up a perfect storm within him.  

And there’s a reason why she has made every single move she has.  You want to blame her for everything that’s happened?  Cool.  But I’ll tell you right now that it’s a snap judgment.  The tide is turning and it sucks that I failed as a writer for the sheer fact that you can’t see that.  Then again, maybe because I have a “bird’s eye view” on the fic it’s not as easy for me to see the viewpoint of someone just casually reading it.

If you think for one second she wouldn’t sacrifice herself to save him, then I’m not even sure you watched the show tbh.

I love feedback.  I really do.  It’s nice and awesome and a wonderful perk to have as a writer, but as someone who has had more push back from this fic than anything I’ve ever written (and that’s stacking it against everything else I’ve written...COMBINED), it’s more than disheartening to receive feedback that kinda makes you wish you hadn’t ever written any part of the series, not just the most recent installment.

Honestly, I’m not proud of a lot of things I’ve written, but over the last handful of chapters, I was starting to find that mojo and I was really happy to share those chapters--especially the one I posted earlier today.  I rewrote that chapter three times, spent hours editing it, and I was so excited to share it.

But then I read that feedback.  And now, it’s seeped into my insecure, anxiety ridden brain and I can’t stop thinking about it.  And I know I’m going to be thinking about it long after I finish the fic.  That’s just who I am.

I’m sorry you think she’s selfish and he’s unrealistic.  I really do.  But it also sucks for you, because if you had an inkling as to what was coming, maybe you would’ve held off on telling the author all of this, and making her feel like shit for even posting the story in the first place.

*end rant*

#delete delete delete #i know it wasn't said with malice but what was the point in telling me that? #seriously #if you don't like it don't read it #katie's rambling again

[whoisbuckybarnes]

birth control & how it fucked me up

so i know most of y’all are here for that sweet gay Marvel and SteveBucky shit, but here’s a personal life update under the cut

warnings for TMI (discussing periods, cw for depression/anxiety). long post.

so, i started having irregular periods in college. i’d been regular from ages 12-18 roughly, and then in college i gained 20 pounds and got really fucking depressed/stressed, and became super irregular. 

to control my irregular periods, i went on birth control (lo lo estrin was the brand, which is what a friend of mine was on at the time and i thought hey, why the fuck not give it a try). i wasn’t sexually active during the time i was on the pill, and at the time, it was the first long-term, non-over the counter medication i’d ever been on in my life. i’d never taken any sort of medication continuously, so i didn’t really know what “signs” to look for to make sure the meds weren’t fucking up my body. 

well, too damn late. i was on birth control on and off for about two years, and tbh i attribute a lot of my depression/anxiety/weight gain/nausea/brain fog/etc at the time to being on birth control. at the time, i thought i was just struggling with massive anxiety (i went to the hospital twice for panic attacks), and didn’t realize that a lot of my symptoms were a result of me being on birth control. it made me nauseous, anxious, depressed, tired, and bloated.

ANYWAY i finally get off birth control and have irregular periods STILL (a period every four or five months). fast forward to me now, 24 yrs old, and still having super irregular periods. 

my doc suggests starting on birth control just for a month to see if it’ll kick my cycle back into gear. 

this time, i’m a little more aware of what to look out for in case the pill starts fucking me over (depression, anxiety, weight gain.) 

i go on this pill and at first the only thing i really feel is nausea. that’s fine, i can deal with nausea. no weight gain happened.

and then. 

the fucking brain fog kicked in, and the anxiety. 

now. let’s talk about the brain fog first. 

a month after i stopped birth control (this time, the prescription was for mono-linyah, since i told my doc that lo lo estrin gave me bad side effects) and i’m still recovering from the brain fog. 

i’ve always thought of myself as a very well spoken person. i’m a pretty eloquent speaker, i’m a writer who has won competitions/awards, i don’t have a problem stringing sentences together. in fact, i’m pretty fucking great at writing, and i would even go so far as to say i’m witty and sharp, and if i say so myself, i’m a pretty damn good debater. USUALLY.

for the entire month (and the current month, post birth control) i’ve been struggling to string a fucking sentence together. it’s been AGONY. imagine the feeling of having a word be on the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t seem to remember it. now imagine what that feels like, except for just stringing together sentences. i mix up words, misspeak, forget phrases, and the worst thing: i literally forget how grammar works.

imagine me, some who was able to write a 10 page thesis paper with cited sources in 21 hours the night before a final was due on the topic of international environmental politics and get an A-, now unable to even put together a sentence. 

i make it a point to try and write creatively on prose stuff or fanfic or my scripts, and looking back on the work that i created during the month i was on the pill is like reading something my 14 yr old self would have written. poor sentence structure, strange wording, etc. it’s fucking BAD. i’m so upset.

it is embarassing, especially because i was terrified of slipping up at work and having my boss notice. even now, i’m still having trouble with sentences. i don’t know if it’s bc the pill changed something in my brain, or if i’m working through the effects, or maybe i just have a fucking brain tumor. which leads me to part 2, ANXIETY. 

now, i’m already a pretty anxious person. i’ve been working on managing it. and i knew the pill would likely make me anxious, like it did when i was in college, which was the most anxious i’ve ever been in my life. 

but the thing about this kind of anxiety is that it sneaks up on you. you don’t realize you’re anxious until you’re thinking about whether or not your shortness of breath means you’re panicking or you’ve got bronchitis or if something is wrong with you, etc. most of my anxiety in my life has stemmed from me believing that i’m physically ill (i don’t know why, but that’s just the type of anxiety i’ve got) and it got so. much. worse when i was on the pill. 

it got to the point where i was on reddit and webmd every damn day self-diagnosing with a new disease. the rational part of me that was still left in my head knew it was all preposterous bullshit, i’m 24 and have been generally healthy my entire life (and i got a ton of blood tests done recently that all turned out clean and perfect), but i thought i had every disease under the sun. 

i stopped taking birth control 24 days ago, and i’m still trying to work off the effects of how it’s affected my brain. 

and no, it did not restart my cycle. i still skipped my period for this month. 

i’m starting to shake off some of the effects of the brain stuff. i went back and fixed some of the writing i did that month, and it’s slowly coming back to me. “it” being how to actually write well. but it’s a slow process and i’ve been so fucking frustrated.

sorry for this mega-rant, but i thought that writing this would maybe help me feel better. even though i know this post is a mess and kind of all over the place. 

has anyone else ever experienced anything like this? the most frustrating part has been losing my ability to put sentences together. i have never experienced anything like it, and it’s honestly fucking terrifying. 

#personal #mishi rants #birth control