#tell me what energy I give off

[novelconcepts]

I’m sure I’m not the first person to say this, but I am so grateful that the Yellowjackets creative team has proven themselves flexible storytellers—in a lot of ways, but particularly regarding Van. ‘Cuz how many times do we get a lesbian in a show (especially a funny, lovable one) and resign ourselves to having to say goodbye in some catastrophic way? And this is absolutely the kind of show where, until you see the adult counterparts, any one of those kids could bite it. And that Van was SUPPOSED to die—or at least, wasn’t necessarily supposed to live—but Liv Hewson did such a fantastic job and the character became so enriched and so charming that she not only gets to live past season one, but gets to live into adulthood.

And that she gets to be so herself in adulthood; Van feels the least changed, in some ways, of any of the grown versions. She’s, as Ambrose and Hewson point out, dimmed down and calcified, but she’s still dressing the same, she’s still proudly gay, she’s out here acting as a sort of snarky cinema mentor to the kids who come into her shop. No, she isn’t happy, because none of them are, but she is alive, and she’s out and proud, and she’s a fundamental figure in this narrative when she could so easily have been written out in a blaze of fire or a wolf attack. I’m so grateful, because it means no matter where adult Van’s journey takes her, we’re getting to hang on to Hewson for as long as the show runs, as one of the core six members of the ‘96 cast, and that is fucking huge. We’re getting the message that at least two of those six characters are gay and get to grow up, and that gayness has nothing whatsoever to do with their trauma and problems in 2021. Like. Goddamn. That’s enormous.

#yellowjackets #yellowjackets spoilers #van palmer #liv hewson #am I worried about what will happen to Van the adult? fuck yeah #am I worried about what will happen to Van’s mental state in ‘96? of course #but we get to find out. we get to see her story continue to evolve #one of my favorite things about the structure of this show is that it manages to keep really high stakes #but also has sort of an underlying safety net of comfort for these characters we love so much #because they might die in the present timeline but at least for these core six we know we always go back to them in the past #it gives the meta energy of telling the story of a loved one after they’re gone #to keep them alive #and that we safely have that comfort with Taissa off the bat and now with Van as well? makes me so fucking happy #I cannot wait until we get more of this show. I can’t think about anything else

[sobredunia]

I JUST REVEALED MY AGE ON A SERVER AND EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS WAY YOUNGER THAN I ACTUALLY WAS ARE YOU FR FJDGHJSL

#nathan's notes #I'M HOLLERING #someone said i had the energy of someone who just got their first phone and i. #i dont know what to make of it #anyways if you see this reblog and tell me what age vibes i give off fgsdjkf

[ingravinoveritas]

The fact Michael put hands on David in the office writing scene and proceeded to say he would have 'torn David to shreds in seconds' whilst in feral Sheen mode *yer, I dont think anyone thought of them fighting when he said that*. I mean I know most of staged is scripted/directed by Simon but oh man, my brain stopped working for a bit. Also the Damsel in the tower (David forever the pretty princess) and the big spoon dialogue made me laugh so much.

Hello, Anons! Thank you for writing in to share your favorite bits of Staged with me. I’ve had a few other Anons write in to share their opinion of the show overall, but I wanted to group these together since they’re referencing specific moments in the episodes.

Anon #1: I caught that moment in episode 4, too. Here’s the visual, for those who haven’t seen it yet:

What was so interesting to me is that there were two specific instances in this season where Michael and David very deliberately enter into each other’s physical spaces/touch each other, seemingly without prompting. This was one, and then the scene where David touches Michael’s arm that Anon #3 mentioned is the other:

We could sit here all day and discuss what was scripted vs. what wasn’t, and whether Simon wrote these little moments of contact into the script, but my immediate gut feeling is that he didn’t. It’s one thing to write the words on the page, but Michael and David are the ones who bring those words to life and imbue the situations in the show with their own chemistry and connection. And it seems to be their natural instinct to be in each other’s space and to touch.

I think we sometimes forget how important touch is to human beings. It can be a way of grounding someone, of saying, “It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m here for you” when a person is having a crisis or a difficult time in general. Depriving someone of touch who needs it can also be tremendously harmful, mentally and emotionally, so I found it very lovely to see Michael and David giving that to each other so freely. (We got a hint of that from the hug at the NTAs last year, but this seemed to be even greater confirmation.)

I also thought it was very interesting that, of everyone in the third season, Michael had the most on screen physical contact with David, and the married vibes between them were played up so strongly. David seemed to be physical in equal measure with Georgia and Michael, but for Michael, those intimate touches only came from David. And the “old married couple” line completely fits with Georgia repeatedly calling Michael David’s “other wife” in real life.

...Which leads me to the moment you mentioned, Anon #2. I was entirely entertained by this scene at the beginning of episode 5, with Michael and David eviscerating each other’s careers, albeit quite playfully. It actually reminded me of a very similar scene in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, where Matt Damon and Ben Affleck do the same thing, re: each other’s careers. (If you haven’t seen it, you can watch that scene here starting at the 2:00 mark.)

The difference is that with Matt and Ben, it noticeably has the feeling of two best friends taking the piss out of each other, but with Michael and David, it very much comes across as that “old married couple” vibe instead. It’s playful teasing underpinned with so much love and affection and something...more than what we see with Ben and Matt, especially with how Michael laughs. Difficult to say whether it was improvised,  but I absolutely believe Michael’s laugh and David being pleased at making Michael laugh were both genuine. 

So many choices were made in this season (the “damsel in the tower” line gets me too, because I swear that is right out of an MS/DT fanfic I once read). The “big spoon” question nearly knocked me out of my seat, too, particularly because a) They answered it; and b) The response wasn’t something like, “Oh, I’d have to ask Georgia about that” but rather Michael and David answering without hesitation, thereby heavily implying that they have, in fact, spooned with each other. Amazing.

I appreciate you all sharing your favorite moments with me, and getting to talk about them definitely made me smile. (Also, Anon #3, if you need a link to watch Staged season 3, please DM me and I can help you out there.) Thanks for writing in! x

#anonymous #reply post #michael sheen #welsh seduction machine #david tennant #soft scottish hipster gigolo #staged #or 'Brokeback Mount Him' which is what I am referring to Staged as from here on out #staged 3 #they are giving off such powerful couple vibes here #very very married #this is what i mean about the lines being blurry #hard to tell what's real life and what's the show #the energy between them just crackles #you love to see it #ineffable lovers #discourse #gifs by me

[sapphicsnzs]

just me life updating about moving and other ramblings in the tags lmao

#self obs #not snz #this shit is so stressful what the fuck????? #i also have a million projects due on sunday that i’ve barely started so saturday i move sunday i library #i am so happy to get out of my current living situation cause the people i live with couldn’t give two shits about me #it’s giving my childhood lmao🧍‍♀️ #also i got diagnosed with pcos this week and am going to be starting meds for it next week so if anyone has any suggestions lmk #i heard back about my research and i got accepted so im super excited about that!!!!! #anyways my life is all over the place right now but hopefully after this weekend i’ll be on the up? #all my finals are in the next two weeks so i’m just so stressed #i can’t wait to eat a real meal i’ve been living off of energy drinks this week like 800mg of caffeine plus my adderall #yeah my doctor is very concerned about my heart but like fuck it we ball #anyways i’m stressed so i took a few shots lmao i hope you all are well #hopefully i’ll be more active and posting snz stuff soon #TELL ME WHY I FORGOT ABOUT MY OCS lmao i’ll write for them soon i promise #ok goodnight i need to pack more

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#im just gonna complain abt it here bc i just have to accept that i can't irl bc no one else gets it #its hard to b a dyslexic grad student. u have to read so much. and its good. lots of reading is good. u just have to contend with a soul #crushing amout of discouragement at the fact u just kinda cant read while ur peers r like sure i can read this in class and have things to #say abt it. if u make me read in my head in class i literally cannot fucking tell u what i just read. not a god damn thing and if i try to #let my computer read to me i cant fucking pay attention for long enough so i just have to accept that from here on out ill have to #physically read papers aloud which i hate so much. its the only way i can fucking understand things and it still makes me feel dumb bc ill #somehow still space out while reading and have to reread like 4 times before i understand wtf is being said. it takes forever and it takes #energy and i dont like talking very much and it also restricts me to only being able to read at home which is frustrating #and im like i need to stop my brain from distracting myself with things that dont matter and my counselor is like: ur ocd is trying to make #work ur whole life and im like yeah thats how i got it. its the only way i can keep swimming with the non dyslexics #so its like wtf do i do? i kinda have to take the hit and make work my whole life rn. morn the loss of other things for a while #i dunno im still a bummer rn. like im probably coming off as more an asocial freak than normal bc its hard to talk ans maintain conversation #rn. but whatever. sometimes things just suck and theres nothing u can do abt it but accept it and move on. ill learn lots of things with all #the reading i have to do and that's never a bad thing ...no matter how much i dont give a fuck abt animals #like jesus. i could not even begin to give a fuck about like 95% of mammals. fish r cool tho. plants too #but microbes is where its at. i dont understand y ppl dont understand how cool they r. oh well ill just have to tell them #if i can find my fucking enthusiasm. ugh i have to make one of my classes read a paper and i have to work with someone abt find it. she #works with like rabbits. i refuse to assign a mammal paper. i fucking refuse. we will do plants or microbes or fucking paleontology #i will fight her on this. ugh. light filtering or orchid speciation would b perfect. annoying #at least i get to work with some culturs this week #unrelated

[obessivedork]

THE BROTHERHOOD HAVE A BLIMP??????

#kat plays FO4 #fo4 #fallout #Also 'we mean no harm' doubt.png.meme #look me in the eyeballs and tell me you'll treat the synths and ghouls and supermutants like fucking people and then DO IT #and MAYBE I will consider giving you the benefit of the doubt #Bethany Esda does not treat the brotherhood the way the rest of the series does I know and tolerate this but with that said #I swear to god if I have to get in bed with them with 0 other choices just to ADVANCE THE FUCKING PLOT LIKE IN FO3 #I DESTEST the Brotherhood of Steel SO MUCH no remnant of the pre-war millitary should still exist #And their priorities are SO stupid like yeah let's hoard all the power armour and energy weapons! These are uniquely evil #in a world FILLED with guns and armour! IK they do other shit but like they're not even DOING anything with it! #They hoard that knowledge and for WHAT? Like Veronica my absolute BELOVED but your family's mission hasn't ever been relevant #to building a better world for ANYONE including THEMSELVES #They're what? Waiting for everyone else to kill each other off so they can inherit the world? It's been 200 years sweaty it's NOT HAPPENING #TIME FOR A NEW PLAN #I could rant about the BOS for hours lol

[rubberbandballqueen]

favorite part of work today was when i told the kids to get into two lines, n this one guy was like "i don't want to" n then started talking to his buddy in mandarin, n so then in chinese i was like, "hey, come here."

n he n his buddy looked at each other n then looked at me with like that faintly displeased expression that means they've realized they can't get away with not being that good at english (or feel terribly isolated from n indifferent to the adults bc they don't speak their language) anymore

and then when i told them to line up in mandarin they groaned abt it for sure but they did drag themselves into a line

#i walked in n this one kid handed me a book to read like a big hardcover graphic novel type thing n said i could look through it #so for kicks i started reading it out loud with all the silly voices n sound effects n blocking #and so then obviously the other children started to swarm me and god. kids have so much body heat #n you can feel it bc they have no personal space qwq #n anyway so i led them all to a different corner of the room and ended up reading 15 out of the 16 chapters of the book #out loud to a big chunk of the kids for like an hour w/a 5 min break halfway through for water #and when i came back the kids were organizing the chairs themselves into a semicircle to give me enough space to perform #i was sweating more than i have in Quite A While by the end bc again. children are So Warm n also being dramatic takes energy #the same kid who handed me the book today last year handed me some pokemon cards n i ended up spending all of spring camp #drawing pokemon from cards as references for kids to color n stuff bc i didn't want to go to the computer n print out coloring pages #so! i should probably stop spoiling/“yes and--”ing kids at work w/my nonsense but it gives them smth memorable at least #but also i am so fucking tired today lol i had to leave class as soon as it was done dash home to drop off my jacket n backpack #i didn't even have time to take off my shoes before entering the house so I Did An Unforgivable Sin (walked around w/shoes on) #n then put on my work jacket n dash out the door again to go to my 5.75 hr work shift o(--( #i don't regret it!! i did tell my boss i was free for afternoon camp shifts specifically bc i wanted these shifts even tho timing'd be tigh #successfully taught a kid to tie his shoelaces today though!!!!! what's w/kids n always using the very tips of their laces to mimic you tho #when you are very clearly handling the parts of the laces right next to your foot. it did click for him tho eventually #the worm speaks

[sharkneto]

I don’t know why but this whole time I thought you were like 15

assigned teen by tumblr 😔

#i know transmascs come across as young but 😅 #not even 17 smh #i genuinely don't know how to take this lmao #on one hand: exceptionally funny #on the other - and i mean this in the kindest possible way to any of my teen followers: god hope i'm not giving off 15yo energy #i'm in my late 20s #i'm almost 30 #i have a real job - a career even #i've talked about it on here #this is so funny tho thank you for telling me anon #i'm just going to have a minor crisis about how i present myself online over here and then i'll be good to go again in a minute #what can i tag this to save it for posterity #nice things #that should cover it #sharkneto speaks

[doodlebloo]

Do you guys ever think about how (as far as we know) c!Tubbo arguably made the right choice by deciding to never open up to c!Ranboo... Because c!Ranboo (when Enderwalking) retains all his memories and works alongside c!Dream anyway. So although c!Tubbo doesn't know it, his paranoia is actually keeping him safe, because the less info c!Ranboo knows the less he has the ability to tell c!Dream... Not that c!Ranboo necessarily would, but it sucks that like... c!Tubbo probably beats himself up for not wanting to share anything with his sweet and loyal husband, not even knowing that sharing the wrong stray detail about c!Tommy could have caused something disastrous. Like c!Tubbo was right to be a closed book and that shit hurts to think about!!!

#i need Ranboo to explain cRanboo so bad. #one of the only things i care about anymore. pls just tell me why a version of cRanboo with all his memories WHICH BTW #HIS MEMORIES WOULD INCLUDE THE DISC FINALE. Why that version of cRanboo would willingly help cDream. #Even IF cDream went ''oh i wasnt really gonna kill Tubbo it was staged also its good that New Lmanberg was exploded by me'' #and even IF cRanboo wasnt told why the prison tnt needed to be set off & therefore didnt know hed be hurting cTommy #how could he work with someone who he knows has hurt cTubbo like that. If he genuinely cared. #and i think about that a LOT a lot bc like. We see all these glimpses of cRanboo just... not listening to what cTubbo is saying. #the warning about cWilbur in ho16 is a good example but also just about history and Lmanberg in general... cRanboo sort of gives off the #vibe that he thinks he knows better than cTubbo does. That he thinks he knows what cTubbo needs and what's best for him #but also that he like... idk i just have thought about it a lot and worryingly i think he could become similar to c!Technoblade eventually. #Not in the ''violence is the only universal language'' way but in the way of like ''as soon as someone doesnt agree w my ideals and feels #differently than I do they have lost my respect and protection until they Prove themself and Earn it back'' type deal. not NOW i dont think #cRanboo is like that NOW but... Everyone always says ''cRanboo grow a backbone'' but he DID... While enderwalking. #ew!Ranboo is him with a backbone and apparently the him with a backbone does not care if he hurts his loved ones. #like cRanboo is part of the problem of people brushing aside cTubbo's grief and pain like it doesnt matter. cRanboo helping cDream has the #same energy as cJack trying to kill cTommy. this sort of ''he'll get over it'' mentality about cTubbo that assumes that just because he HAS #in the past been able to ''bounce back'' from indescribable loss that means things dont bother him or he can do it easily #so like. i do believe cRanboo isnt unsalvageable. i think the parts of him WE see are very much just misguided and not intentionally #hurtful. but sometimes i think abt Ranboo saying he was gonna make it so no one could be an apologist for cRanboo and I think like #what Memory does ew!Ranboo regaun that suddenly makes it fine for him to hurt his loved ones? for ''Dream Is The Reason'' to completely #disappear for him? is cDream offering him something he cant refuse or god forbid does ew!Ranboo just AGREE with him? #that to me is like. Once i know that i can be at peace. thats like one of the only things I'll be genuinely upset if it isnt explained #bc when i tell you it has been haunting me for like a year. #ok sorry for the rant and sorry boobers if i messed up some lore details lol #doodle.txt

[alasy]

advices are welcome because i ✨dont know anything anymore✨

#this friend of mine is the sweetest #we always got along even though we're very different #in the way that im a very closed off person i dont like social media and i will not reply to texts and its nothing personal its just me #he on the other hand is very talkative. loves showing affection and has like 3 different podcasts and he's friends with literally everyone #long story short he graduated and moved cities it's been 3 months #also i went through a very bad depressive episode and im still crawling out of it #he says im distant and its not because the lack of texts but because there isnt a way to communicate with me #i say im depressed and its disappearing is nothing new and he knows this. that all im asking is time #he says he's anxious and has abandonment issues and that his love language is words of affirmation #i say i was never a person that says much from the beginning and listed all other things ive done and sacrifice myself for him #he says he understands and he feels loved and cared for by me. still his love language is words of affirmation and he needs it #it feels like a demand even though he keeps saying it's not #he says there's nothing wrong with me being an overall absent person and that the problem is with him #his insecurities and words of affirmation is the way out of it #and i dont know what to do anymore #i want someone to tell me im in the wrong and that friends give in for each other #but everyone keeps saying this is not okay and i dont know i understand where he's coming from #i just .... im so tired #'ik you said you dont have energy but do you see where im coming from?' left a bad taste in my mouth #idk my heart is heavy im so exhausted and i wish he had read that damn text i sent him carefully and not rushed to replu #reply* #how can a person respect your boundaries and still cross them and then no it's actually you misunderstanding? #aita #personal

[coldvampire]

.

#anyway the most exciting conversation I had today was explaining how I managed to fuck up the dog’s haircut #(he’s squirmy that’s it that’s the reason) #moving on though the main issue is I still need like. the crutch of being online almost #and I guess even though it feels awkward and lowkey uncool I’m glad there are apps for people just looking to find friends #downside is I can forget they’re there bc the notifs don’t work great #or I panic because I’m too hyper aware of myself with new people. why can’t this be easy what’s wrong with me #I get embarrassed by how much longer my replies are than the other person’s #I can’t help it I guess #if it’s short I feel like it’s coming off inauthentic so I overcorrect #but then conversation kinda fizzles anyway. which is okay! not everyone will be a winner and that’s fine #I know this and it makes me feel slightly better #still I just feel like. dumb I guess. in all these interactions. #that’s the word. because I’m perfectly comfortable with myself until I feel like i start to notice That Change in someoneone #anyone else who gets told they give off Uncanny Valley energy knows what this is. #like I can tell I did something wrong but on paper I did everything right #and I just kinda fold every time. bc there’s usually no salvaging a conversation past that point. #it’s Not that it’s easier to be alone bc I’m not having a good time clearly but something drives me to keep going despite it all #idk it’s stupid I wish I could just cut this feeling out and detach completely #I know it wouldn’t bother me to be pushed slowly away at least. #I’d really be the person who solved the lament configuration just to Hang Out lmao #I wish I didn’t make posts like these here btw. #that also makes me feel dumb but it’s like if I don’t at least put this down somewhere it’d be worse #I think tomorrow I’ll clean a bit. it’ll be something to do that has a visible result. #not like anything else that’s going on lol

[s0urte3th]

‘do what you like!’

uh, alright

‘what DO you like?’

i dont know

‘wdym you dont know? dont you draw and stuff?’

yeah

‘so you like drawing!’

sure!

#its weird but i need someone to.. tell me who i am. i struggle to remember sometimes #tell me what i like. tell me the energy i give off. tell me how you see me #urgh its just reslly fucking tiring #i wanna make a fursona because in fruity or something but #idk how! i literally cant think of ANYTHING id like. #‘what feels most like you?’ #MF I DONT FUCKING KNOW!

[autisticlee]

it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!

i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"

why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)

ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!

this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!

why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.

#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!! #people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc #but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?! #its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them #AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING #that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭 #so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead? #no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going? #if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right? #ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too #perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well #that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less #i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever #but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends #what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one #this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries. #if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move. #if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it #lee rambles #autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #autistic friendship #friendship problems #loneliness #communication #cptsd #rsd #the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel #the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule #and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office #classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand. #which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a #mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively #i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when #i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an #office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then #when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low #energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its #like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that #i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my #lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to #convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture #of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing. #the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like #they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha #yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc #i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself #from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode #and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at #like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop #so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd #also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry #bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting #hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that #the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun #unrelated

[icewindandboringhorror]

one of the bad things about having such low social energy/social anhedonia/little interest in interacting with others in any capacity/ Hermit Disease™ is that like.. once every FIVE months here and there I’ll get fleeting bursts of social energy and will message one or two people to catch up with old friends or etc. and then it’s like... 

tfw you message someone and then wake up the next morning to see that they REPLIED to your message so now you’re actually supposed to message them back, which is an obligation you were somehow not expecting despite the fact that YOU sent them a message 

#I feel bad because it's like.. I know I WAS THE ONE who reached out to you but also I have depleted all of my energy stores and have like no #capacity to respond that this point.. Which usually I'll get to it in like 2-7 days and people who know me (people who I would actually #message) know this/are aware it doesn't mean anything/are okay with it so its not really a big deal but still lol #girls and squirrels i am so sorry i dont know what to tell you but I have Disorders gjhgbhj #oh same thing when someone messages me and then I respond and I'm like 'whew finally got that off the to do list! now I dont have to worry #about social interactions for the next few days' and they RESPOND to my RESPONSE within like 30 minutes of sending it #so now I'm back at the point where I owe them a response even though i JUST crossed that off my to do list ghbh #And there's some people out here who are like 'omg.. if people don't text me back in 30 minutes then they must hate me! i want to be texted #back immediately. true friends will drop everything theyre doing just to text you!! >:T' whereas I'm like #god if I reply to you and you reply back to me within less than 24 hours I'm going to scream... just give it a good 2 or 3 days.. let the #message sit PLEASE.. it's social buffer time.. let's recharge our energy... the the conov age like a fine wine #(unless it's urgent. obv if we're coordinating plans or scheduling something we both must reply promptly exactly) #AND ALS THIS IS just a caveat of text communication like I HATE text communication. another reason it's SO hard to find new friends is that #nobody wants to just talk on the phone/discord voice chat/Some Medium Of Real Time Audio Communication anymore #everyone is like.. 'oh just send short little messages through a stupid fucking chat client or text me or message me on a social media' and #it's like.................................... no........ i dont think I will #Real time communication is SO MUCH faster and more efficient like. It would take me 2 hours to type something that I could say in a 30 minut #e conversation. People who I have genuine conversations with (like 5 hour long talks) are the ones who are not afraid to just be like #'yeah i have somehting I want to talk to you about. can we schedule a phone call thursday at 10:30am?' #also like.. if you text me at 3pm I am not going to respond to the message (depending on the contents-obv will reply sooner if #urgent) probably until 3 or 4 days later. If you call me at 3pm then we're talking at 3pm for as long as you want (or as long as is practica #l - also assuming I'm not already in the middle of something etc. etc.) #Like phone calls/voice calls/whatever - are so good because it's immediate. no having to go through and spell check. I am also a rambling pe #rson with complicated thoughts and i AM INCAPABLE of having short conversations. no matter how hard I try #you send me a sentence of text and I will write back 3 paragraphs. this makes text-form communication THAT much more taxing and time consumi #ng - whereas I can explain even really complicated things in Real time in like 20 minutes MAX when it would take 1.5hr to type and proofrea #d and etc. in text. ALSO I love that it is a Structured ONE TIME interaction. I know eactly when a phone call will start and can plan for #when it will end. Text form communications are ongoing background interactions with no clear start or end. no structure. etc. #in person/phone/real time communication is just SO much easier for my brain to process and depletes my social energy slower #. it stinks that the entire earth is slowly moving away from the only form of social interaction that is convenient to me lol.. BUT ANYWAY

[overbearingstruggles]

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#the show was so fun and perfect #and then I ruined a nice time by going to eat with my friend. because I never see her anymore and if I don’t make the plan no one will #but jesus motherfucking christ I need my friends who makes over $20k more than me to be real about how much they have #when I was working 2 jobs I was making much less and still felt like a millionaire! and I love to pick up the tab. I won’t buy you stuff #but dinner/drinks is such a nice and easy way to do something nice #meanwhile this bitch tells me about paying to see the Jobros again! has a fucking coupon to eat. and asks if I’m tipping 15% or 18% #and she’ll venmo me her half of the tip. $3. hi if you have money and don’t tip at least 20% you’re a fucking freak!! #idk this is a whole ramble that probably sounds petty. but my friends knowing what our incomes are and how I’ve been stressed about things #I need to handle and just no one bothering to do anything nice. like literally what the fuck do people do with money??? #when I had extra I did the only thing you should: give it to people who don’t! #also talking to this friend is like talking to a wall and everything she likes is. well fucking stupid. so remind me to not do this again!! #I constantly feel like I lived through a different 2020 than everyone else. I am deeply further radicalized #but my friends making decent money have such useless ass gen x energy. it’s fucking embarrassing #there’s seriously something wrong with the consumerism of people who liked Disney channel shit and i think people should fuck off