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tsrookie · 4 years

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Alright, so today’s the three-year anniversary of Reputation a.k.a the greatest album of all time, my baby, the light of my life, the album that deserved a Grammy (trying desperately not to think about the scene from Miss Americana😭), the album that introduced us to the most beautiful couple ever, the album that shut Kimye up, and I better stop now, or else I’m not gonna shut up.

So in honour of this momentous occasion (and the fact that I reached 200+ followers! Thank you so much you guys!🥺 Love you all 3000💙), here’s a loooooong post on why Reputation is the Ethan and MC album.

1. ...Ready For It?

No one has to know

Throwback to MC saying the exact same words back in Miami.

In the middle of the night, in my dreams

You should see the things we do, baby, mmm

In the middle of the night, in my dreams

I know I'm gonna be with you

So I take my time

Remember back when MC asked for Ethan to get into bed right away during their first time? Ethan told them that he had dreamt about the moment for months, so he wasn’t going to rush it.

2. End Game

Big reputation, big reputation

Ooh you and me would be a big conversation

These two dating would be the talk of the hospital, and they know it.

Even when we'd argue, we don't do it for long

And you understand the good and bad, end up in the song

For all your beautiful traits, and the way you do it with ease

For all my flaws, paranoia, and insecurities

Think these lines are pretty self-explanatory😌

I hit you like bang

We tried to forget it, but we just couldn't

*gets war flashbacks of the ‘reset’ phase*😭 They tried to make it work, but we all know how Ch 8 of book 2 went😌

I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me

Perfect for our chaotic MC😌

3. Don’t Blame Me

Do I... really have to explain this one?

For you, I would cross the line

I would waste my time

I would lose my mind

They say she's gone too far this time

Do we need a recap of our rule-breaking MC?

And baby, for you, I would fall from grace

Just to touch your face

If you walk away

I'd beg you on my knees to stay

He was willing to risk his (mostly) rule-abiding reputation for being with MC. And there’s no way he wouldn’t beg for MC not to leave him if he ever screwed up🤷‍♀️

4. Delicate

This ain't for the best

My reputation's never been worse, so

You must like me for me

Ethan stood by MC’s side throughout the Ethics hearing, when her reputation was completely smeared, and people only saw her as a patient murderer. He didn’t know about the sabotages, but he would’ve definitely supported her if he had known.

We can't make

Any promises now, can we, babe?

Commitment-phobia🙃

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep

Are you ever dreaming of me?

Sometimes when I look into your eyes

I pretend you're mine, all the damn time

They spent so much of time apart, not able to be with each other, so the least they could do was dream of being with each other all the time.

5. So It Goes (an underrated af bop)

What can I say... it’s a sex song, okay? Don’t make me go into the details😂 Just listen to the lyrics, and all will be clear.

6. Gorgeous (Tumblr won’t let me put any more links)

MC’s eternal anthem to Ethan.

Whisky on ice, Sunset and Vine

You've ruined my life, by not being mine

We all know Ethan loves Whiskey, and the second line? C’mon!

You're so gorgeous

I can't say anything to your face

'Cause look at your face

And I'm so furious

At you for making me feel this way

But, what can I say?

You're gorgeous

Ethan Ramsey is famous for two reasons. One: his smart brain, I guess😒 Two: HIS LOOKS!!! HE’S GORGEOUS, AND DON’T DENY IT.

And you should think about the consequence

Of you touching my hand in the darkened room (dark room, dark room)

Ah, the olden days of hand holding in the diagnostics office🥺

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine

I feel like I might sink and drown and die

No explanation required.

You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah

There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have

You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad

The wonderful will-they-won’t-they saga. The frustrating hot-and-cold behaviour. The ‘We can’t’, ‘It’s unethical’ and ‘It’s complicated’. MC deserves an award for her patience😓

7. King Of My Heart

I'm perfectly fine, I live on my own

I made up on my mind, I'm better off bein' alone

Ethan ‘I don’t believe in soulmates and nobody’s waiting at home’ Ramsey.

And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa

And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa

This could be from both Ethan and MC’s perspectives. The love they share isn’t something that you get easily. It’s something that MC has waited for her whole life, and something Ethan never knew he needed, but now can’t live without🥺

Late in the night, the city's asleep

Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep

Change my priorities

The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury

This was definitely Ethan throughout book 2, after he finally gave in. He let go of his previous rules and regulations, especially during the time of the attack. He was clearly affected, and once MC was alright, his main priority was her, and her alone.

Is the end of all the endings?

My broken bones are mending

With all these nights we're spending

Ethan’s been burnt a lot in the past. But all those wounds are now healing thanks to MC.

Up on the roof with a school girl crush

Drinking beer out of plastic cups

They act like lovesick teenagers around each other, like, that’s literally their description if you choose to kiss Ethan for the first time in Chapter 14 of book 2!😅

Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff

Baby, all at once, this is enough

We all know about his initial fear of his mother reaching out to him for the sake of his money. To him, MC not talking advantage of him is a pretty big deal, even though it’s never mentioned. You just know, you know?🥺

8. Dancing With Our Hands Tied

My, my love had been frozen

Deep blue, but you painted me golden

Again, Ethan doesn’t have the best experience with love. But MC changed that.

I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted

This could go both ways, cause they’re both piping hot messes😬 (but love each other anyway🥺)

The rest of this song could have made so much more sense for them if we had gotten some sort of a secret relationship storyline. But oh well, I’m definitely not complaining about the gala😌 (and definitely not believing any of the supposed cancelled storylines)

9. Dress

Our secret moments

In a crowded room

They got no idea

About me and you

I mean... pretty obvious😌

Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me

And I woke up just in time

Now I wake up by your side

My one and only, my lifeline

This is practically Ethan’s train of thought, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

As for the rest of the steamier lyrics... I’ll um... let you guys listen to it yourselves😁

10. Call It What You Want

I wrote an entire fic inspired by this song, so excuse me for the shameless self-promo, but go give it a read?🥺👉👈(totally fine if you don’t! I’ve probably made so many posts about this song that y’all know the meaning anyway😅)

11. New Years Day

Don't read the last page

But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away

I want your midnights

But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

MC has always stayed by Ethan’s side, even when he’s pushed her away. These lines perfectly explain how she wants his worst times, and his best, the midnights they spend staying up together, and the moments where it’s just the two of them, when everyone else has left, like the aftermath of a New Years party (still mad at the fact that we didn’t get to see the gang celebrate New Year together😭)

I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe

Or if you strike out and you're crawling home

The above explanation for these lines as well.

Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

Becoming strangers to each other would be their worst nightmares. Knowing that the other was out there in the world somewhere, but not being in their lives would kill them.

You and me forevermore

These two are each other’s soulmate, they know it, even if they haven’t said it yet. Forever wouldn’t be enough for them to shower each other with they love they hold for each other. But it’s a good start.

——————————

If you guys made it this far, then I honestly love you more than words can ever express🥺💙 Thanks for putting up with my Swiftie-Directioner-Ethan stan ass, cause I dunno if I’d ever be able to handle someone like myself. And if you read all the above stuff, then I hope you wanna know why this album means so much to me.

Reputation is perceived as a dark album, when in reality it’s truly about finding love amongst all the noise. This album, and Taylor and Joe’s story, taught me what true love actually is, and Ethan and MC cemented that. This album and these two couples (quite literally) saved my life.

The most beautiful part about both these relationships is that even though they never showed it openly, for the sake of their relationships, both Ethan(in the story) and Joe stood by the side of the one’s they loved, despite half of the people who they knew hating on them, or betraying them. And I think that’s what’s truly important. Forming a true relationship like that, be it platonic or romantic, is long lasting, and I hope everyone finds those kind of people to fill their hearts with. Sending much love, and sorry for being a huge sap😅💙

Tagging a couple of my Swiftie homies: @swiftlydarcy @nikki-2406 @dxnicaramsey @kaavyaethanramsey @caseyvalentineramsey @drariellevalentine @justanotherrookie

#open heart #open heart second year #dr ethan ramsey x mc #ethan jonah ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #ethan x mc #mercy goes nuts #happy three years of Reputation🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤#ethan ramsey

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astudyinfreewill · 5 years

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DA but touching someone's back isn't a sexual act even if it is described as sensual it doesn't qualify. also the drug exchange was done to encourage Ronan to do more dreaming it wasn't done with the intent of instigating contact or paralysing. Plus while Ronan didn't consent to being touched he did consent to all the effects of the drug since he agreed to take it knowing it was a different drug and chose not to ask about the effects.

oh, okay. so we’re playing the victim-blaming game? because, yes, that is what you are doing.

alright. i’ll bite. on the (very) off chance that you genuinely misunderstood the text and are not clear on what consent IS. but this is the last ask i’ll answer on this topic for tonight. i wrote 3 thousand words of cdth meta today, with one throwaway mention of kavinsky assaulting ronan - which he absolutely did - and i am not going to shine a spotlight on kavinsky any longer than i have to, since he’s thankfully out of the new series. so any further asks on this topic (especially anonymous ones clearly meant in a polemic tone) will be deleted.

i’m putting this under a read more for length and upsetting themes, but just to clear this up right out of the gate: Drugging someone to take away their agency is ALWAYS a violation of consent. Intoxicated and/or misinformed consent is bad consent. Consent to one thing is not a blanket consent to all things, and consent can ALWAYS be retracted.

okay then. on we go.

“touching someone’s back isn’t a sexual act even if it is described as sensual it doesn’t qualify”

the main argument i’m seeing in your opening statement is “it wasn’t sexual assault because genitals were not involved”, which… at the very best of interpretations then makes it straight up assault. not much better. you can quibble over the definition of just how sexual is sexual, if you want, but at the end of the day, it’s still unwanted physical contact being forced on someone, and if your only defense for it is “no dicks were involved so it’s fine”, i suggest you do some soul-searching.

in any case: kavinsky’s intention was clearly sexual. we know he’s sexually interested in ronan. we know he wants ronan to show sexual interest in him (which ronan doesn’t do, at any point). it’s pretty clear where kavinsky’s mind is at, and if you think he was just doing some ~friendly~ touching of ronan’s back, you know, ~like bros~, then i invite you to read the text again and actually understand it this time.

plus, ronan was LITERALLY almost unconscious, so we don’t know what happened. it seems like kavinsky stopped before it got even farther. did he change his mind? was he simply too high off his head to enforce more explicitly sexual contact on ronan? we don’t know. but he could have done anything he wanted to him.

you want word-of-god confirmation that was kavinsky did was fucked up? here is a screenshot taken from one of maggie’s posts all the way back in 2014, including the infamous line “consent is overrated”, which of course doesn’t tell you anything AT ALL about kavinsy’s attitude towards sexual assault:

“the drug exchange was done to encourage ronan to do more dreaming, it wasn’t done with the intent of instigating contact or paralysing.”

FALSE. 100%, COMPLETELY AND UNEQUIVOCALLY FALSE. kavinsky KNOWS what his pills do. the green ones send you instantly to sleep and violently throw you into a dream. the red pill didn’t make ronan fall asleep OR start dreaming. the only purpose of the red pill IS to paralyse ronan. i am astounded at the willful misinterpretation here.

this is without even taking into consideration the fact that by the point kavinsky gives ronan the pill explicitly meant to paralyse him, ronan is also drunk off his head, because kavinsky provided him with gallons of beer and no food apart from some candy. they have been drinking and taking sleeping pills for hours at best, days at worst. this would already make it questionable ground for one party to touch the other without explicit consent.

and before you say “but ronan chose to drink”: sure. ronan is also suicidal at this point in time, and has a drinking problem. plus there is at least one instance of kavinsky pouring beer directly into ronan’s mouth while he’s paralysed from dreaming and can’t move.

“plus while Ronan didn’t consent to being touched he did consent to all the effects of the drug since he agreed to take it knowing it was a different drug and chose not to ask about the effects.”

okay, see, THIS? this is victim-blaming, and it’s shitty. let’s go over it.

kavinsky doesn’t OFFER ronan the drug and give him a chance to refuse it. kavinsky PUTS the pill on ronan’s tongue while ronan is already completely wasted, his reactions slow. for all we know, he swallowed it without even really thinking – sometimes it’s an instinctive reaction, like when you force a child to take medicine.

ronan DOES ask what the pill does - even if it’s too late because he’s already swallowed it - and kavinsky refuses to answer.

ronan IMMEDIATELY CHANGES HIS MIND. this is so important. SO important. i don’t know who needs to hear it but i know someone does. consent is not irrevocable and forever. just because you’ve consented to something doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. just because you let someone do something to you in the past doesn’t mean they always have the right to do it to you (even if this was good consent to begin with, which it never was, because ronan is intoxicated to begin with, and kavinsky is giving him drugs without disclosing the effects).

once more with feeling: if you change your mind and someone still forces something on you, it’s not your fault; it’s theirs, and yes, it is still a violation.

also this provides a really good tie-in to your previous argument that “the purpose wasn’t to paralyse ronan but to help him dream”. look at the text. it LITERALLY says that this pill didn’t send you to sleep, it simply made you pliant and unable to fight back. please take off your bias goggles and take in the text.

as for how ronan experiences that totally not sexualised, casual bro-touching of his back?

kavinsky touching ronan’s tattoo is framed as a sexually loaded act not just here but earlier in the book, when ronan has a sex dream about someone (adam, not kavinsky) touching his tattoo. when kavinsky does it, ronan can’t move - again, he is paralysed - but tenses all over with discomfort. he is afraid to move because he thinks if he does, he will be harmed worse. “the touch would stab him - a wound like this pill”. ronan experiences the attack as a violation of his body, and the drug itself as a violation of his autonomy. it is in the text.

even as far later as trk, when ronan thinks back about kavinsky, he feels “dread and shame, thick enough to vomit up.” if that doesn’t read to you like the description of someone dealing with the aftermath of a violation, specifically a sexually connotated one (shame is a big component of what sexual abuse survivors experience) then i don’t know what to tell you. reread the book. try to acquire some empathy. and for the love of God, stop blaming victims for “not refusing enough”.

Asks like these genuinely scare me, so I will say it once again: Intoxicated consent is not good consent. Drugging someone to take away their agency is always a violation of consent. Consenting to one thing doesn’t mean consenting blindly to everything else (especially when you are led into it under false pretenses). You can always, always, always change your mind and it is never an excuse for your consent to be ignored.

#this is the last thing i intend to say on the matter #antagonise me with some blatant bait like this again and i will block #i am exhausted and genuinely upset #assault tw #rape tw #rape drug tw #harassment tw #alcohol tw #the sheer amount of warning should be a clue of how problematic this is #joseph kavinsky #ronan lynch #anonymous #answer

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makeste · 5 years

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BnHA Chapter 229: The Real Me

Previously on BnHA: Dabi fought a dude who could control ice. For like three pages. Then we cut to my boy Twice, who had located an unconscious Toga (who as you recall had her blood blown up a couple chapters back, so yeah) and was understandably freaking out about how to get her some help. To make a long and somewhat confusing story short, you know that long-haired guy who hacked Giran’s phone? Turns out he has the power to create human puppets or some shit, and he created a bunch of Twice duplicates and sent them to capture the real Twice (who you might also recall has some traumatic history involving clones of himself). Seems they want to use Twice’s quirk to create a backup clone of Re-Destro, just in case history repeats himself and he ends up kicking the bucket like his great-great granddad. Wouldn’t that be sad. Re-Destro getting murdered. Wouldn’t that just be a darn shame. Anyways so let’s see where this leads.

Today on BnHA: The Villain Flashback Arc continues with today’s installment featuring, you guessed it, more villain flashbacks! We learn more about our little buddy Twice who was apparently orphaned as a young teen and subsequently found himself alone in a cold and uncaring world. Honestly you guys, after reading this I’m amazed that he’s still as nice of a guy as he is. Anyway, so he used his quirk to clone himself because he was lonely, and the clones and him engaged in a petty crime spree or two, and then somehow or other it all led to the whole murderfest that fucked up his head so badly. Back in the present, a struggling Jin tries to escape and help Toga, so Skeptic orders his puppets to break Jin’s arms. They do so, but this has a curious side-effect that Skeptic may not have been expecting. Namely, that having that much damage dealt to him makes Twice realize that he definitely is not one of his clones, and is in fact the real deal. This appears to at least temporarily cure his split personality woes, and the chapter ends with him creating about a dozen duplicates to go fuck up the Liberation Army’s day. Hell yes.

(All comments are my unspoiled reactions from my initial readthrough of the chapter. I did a quick edit for grammar and clarity immediately afterward, but aside from that there are no changes.)

hey guys, sorry I’ve been inactive all week; I’ve been sick and haven’t really had much energy. I still am sick, but I appear to have reached the stage of exhaustion where I’m all “eh, fuck it, yeah sure whatever” where it’s ironically easy to motivate myself to do stuff because I have no willpower to resist, lol

so anyway. we’re apparently not missing a beat, picking up right where we left off last week with Twice’s mask being pulled off by one of the gorilla puppets

wow and they’re just like. flinging him aside

DON’T FLING MY BOY NO!! AND GET AWAY FROM TOGA

AHHHH

shit, how creepy is that? are they cold because they’re just ~puppets~ and not actually real, living people? what a disturbing touch

now we’re cutting back to Skeptic, who’s giving the puppets orders and addressing them as various letters of the alphabet. how can he tell them the fuck apart

meanwhile Giran’s asking what they’re doing to his pal. ;_; Giran you continue to be the best

and Re-Destro’s forcibly directing his attention elsewhere, but he’s also answering his question, strangely enough

that’s a lot of detail to be giving the guy when you could have just smacked him and told him to shut up. these villains are so confusing

but I guess they’re just telling him all this to taunt him more, because now Skeptic is bragging that he learned about Jin’s psychological disorder from Giran’s client data

hey btw I don’t think I’ve said this yet, but fuck this guy so hard for taking advantage of Twice’s trauma and using it against him. what a shocker, the Meta Liberation Army of dickheads pulls another dickhead move. these guys are so classy

oh my fucking god you guys Giran is getting hotter with each fucking chapter though fffffffff

if you’d told me a month ago that this dude would be nipping at Aizawa and All Might’s heels for the title of BnHA’s most eligible bachelor I would have called you a liar and a thief, yet here we are. good lord

that said, I appreciate that he’s thinking about how hard it’ll be on poor Twice, but they also just said they’d kill Toga as well, so I imagine that part of it would be pretty hard on her too. just saying

SDLFKSDLFHK SPEAKING OF

FUCK ME YOU GUYS I ALMOST LEAPED TO MY FUCKING FEET, WHAT THE FUCK. DON’T TELL ME THEY’RE GOING TO SNAP HER NECK. HOLY SHIT

SOMEONE BETTER SAVE HER OR I’M GOING TO FLY OUT TO JAPAN AND GIVE HORIKOSHI MY STUPID COLD. THAT’LL SHOW THAT BASTARD. HAVE SOME BRONCHITIS YOU PIECE OF SHIT

AND TWICE IS WATCHING ALL PANICKED AND SCREAMING THAT HE’S GOING TO KILL HER

AT FIRST I WAS CONFUSED AND WAS LIKE, DOES HE BLAME HIMSELF FOR GETTING HER IN THIS SITUATION? BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THE CLONES AND THAT YEAH IT’S LITERALLY HIM KILLING HER THOUGH OMGGGGG

AHHH HE’S SO CONFUSED THIS IS SO CONFUSING

I’M TOO SICK TO DEAL WITH TWICE’S EXISTENTIAL CRISIS YOU GUYS, IT’S REALLY FREAKING ME OUT, HELP. THE FUCKING PANELS ARE ALL WOBBLY-LINED AND THEY KEEP ZOOMING IN ON HIS FACE AND SHOWING HIM ALL BUG-EYED SCREAMING “WHO AM I” OVER AND OVER AGAIN OH GOD

OH SHIT!?!?

ACTUAL TWICE FLASHBACKS OH SHIT?! I was not expecting this oh snap. I am so into this

anyway, so he’s thinking -- with surprising coherence -- that because of his rough appearance, people were always afraid of him growing up

but also, what was that part about him not having a family? so he was an orphan then?? Horikoshi you are aware that I already love Twice and am emotionally attached to him, yes? but like if you want to hit me with even more feels and fuck me up some more then be my guest I suppose?

anyway so whoever he’s talking to here says Jin, who is apparently sixteen here, evidently hit some dude with his motorcycle by accident. oh shit

and baby!Jin says the guy jumped out in front of him and he was obeying the speed limit and everything

and the man he’s talking to seems vaguely sympathetic but says that regardless, it’s usually the victim who ends up winning these cases, and that Jin may end up with a criminal record. “but don’t let it get to you.” oh, sure. yeah, let’s just look on the bright side here

he says that no matter how many times you stumble in life, you can always start over

well shit is it any wonder this kid ended up going the villain route and making a bunch of clones of himself to live his best life? I mean jeez, he had absolutely no one on his side and was slapped with a criminal record when he was only sixteen. that shit is rough

oh fuck me and it just keeps getting worse

well that’s nice. so make that homeless with a criminal record, then. jesus christ he was still just a kid

so apparently his parents died in a villain attack when he was in middle school, and he had no relatives. I guess the state didn’t give a fuck either, damn

I find it extraordinarily easy to empathize with, actually! that’s one of the things that makes you such a great character!

so I guess he originally ended up making a clone of himself just because he was lonely. okay wow. not only does Twice continue to be the most likable villain in the series, he’s working his way up there as one of the most likable and relatably human characters, period

look at this shit! he’s just a guy who had a run of bad luck and tried his best to cope with it in whatever ways he could. there’s nothing villainous about him, he was just someone whom nobody wanted. he had his entire future stolen out from under him in the blink of an eye and had nowhere else to turn. he just wanted some friends for fuck’s sake

and so then he and his merry band committed a bunch of petty crimes. but they just needed some cash so they could live! like, all he wanted to do was just chill out and be happy. I got your back Twice. it’s not your fault

and then the flashback just kind of cuts to him tied to the chair in the aftermath of the clone hunger games. so I guess that’s all the backstory we’re getting as far as that goes. ngl I would have really liked to see just a bit more of the lead-up to that specific event. he’s such a nice guy that it’s a bit hard to picture him just suddenly going “RAWR I’M GONNA MURDER ALL Y’ALL.” but what I’m thinking is that all of the tragedy in his past contributed to him forming his violent alter ego personality, and that one of the clones must have just snapped one day and the rest is history

anyway so now we’re cutting to his first meeting with my new boyfriend Giran

ah okay, so he’s scared because if he actually is one of the clones then just a tiny bit of damage would be enough to finally do him in

btw Giran, possibly the one good thing Re-Destro and his buds did was getting rid of that scarf and sunglasses though bud. if you decide to change up your look after all of this, I’m not going to complain. there’s a reason I thought you were just some douchebag this whole time. obviously I shouldn’t have been so quick to judge you, I realize that now of course

but seriously Giran who wears sunglasses at night indoors. I mean, idk, maybe you get migraines or something. but if not I’m just saying

regardless, questionable fashion choices aside, Giran is actually a super nice guy, a mensch if you will, and he is now casually changing Twice’s entire life in the span of a few sentences. awww

how the fuck were you planning on smoking that cigarette while wearing a paper bag over your face. ??

also, Giran on this page kinda reminds me of Sanji, if Sanji was, like, a beatnik about to throw down on open mic poetry night

anyway so that’s the end of our happy flashback, and now we’re back in the present with Twice resuming his freakout!

but in spite of his mental struggles, he’s shaking the puppet clones off and trying to dash toward Toga again omg!

up in his little tower Skeptic seems fairly surprised

in related news, fuck this guy so much. also he’s using one of his puppets as a chair, which is one of the creepiest touches Horikoshi has put in this manga to date. but also they mentioned last week that Skeptic makes the puppets out of any human-sized materials that happen to be lying around, so I kind of wonder if maybe this dude originally was a chair. the mysteries of BnHA

moving on though, yeah, Twice and Toga really do have a strong bond though, don’t they? their chemistry is as beautiful as it is strange

oh shit but they really did hit him though

FUCK YOU F AND G

FFFFF SON OF A BITCH

DLASFKJLKJ PLEASE DON’T YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH, I CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO FUCKING DIE YOU ASSHOLE!!!

motherfucker! and we just established that he’s afraid that a broken bone will be enough to kill him if it turns out he really is a clone!

-- holy shit, but. on the other hand, if it doesn’t kill him though, that just might be enough to cure him of that particular fear once and for all. oh shit, unexpected plot twist

though in this particular situation it probably won’t make much of a difference how sane he is if he’s still got two broken arms though fuuuuuuuck

anyway... gotta click to the next page... even though I really don’t want to, sob

aaaaaaaand they’ve broken them. well shit. at least it wasn’t graphic. he’s just hunching forward and screaming and his arms are facing the wrong way, fuck

and now Skeptic is all “your legs are next,” and uh, can Twice actually hear him, though?? like, what? did I miss something here? is he piping his voice in through the shed’s convenient sound system or something?

anyway he’s telling Twice not to struggle anymore, and Twice is muttering to himself all darkly about how much that hurt

and apparently Toga’s regained consciousness now!!

wow Skeptic, okay sure, go ahead and keep talking about how you’re about to kill Toga in front of his eyes. just keep on digging yourself deeper. it’s like he doesn’t realize there’s only one page left in the chapter and things are just about reaching a tipping point and our heroes (?! I mean they are, though, for this arc at any rate) have had just about enough of his bullshit

lol I can’t take the tension omg

please do something badass please do something badass please d --

oh snap

Twiiiiiiice ;_; so it’s like I thought. they unexpectedly cured you of your identity crisis angst

anyway I guess this chapter is a longer one than usual because it’s page 15 now and we’re still going! so I will now resume my “please do something badass” chant. c’mon Twice. kick some assssssss

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

THIS TIME I REALLY DID LEAP OUT OF MY CHAIR OMG. BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

LMAO ARE ALL OF THEIR ARMS BROKEN TOO. FUCK IT, IT DOESN’T MATTER. DEKU HAS SPENT APPROXIMATELY HALF THE MANGA WITH BROKEN ARMS AND IT’S NEVER STOPPED HIM*

*forest angst aside. and anyways that all worked out in the end, so

“wounded heroes are the most dangerous.” well fuck. given that we’ve just seen an exhausted and delirious Shigaraki eradicate an entire wave of people, and a bloodied and wounded Toga straight up murder one of the Army’s leaders, I think it’s safe to say we can apply this statement to villains too. and I for one can’t wait how dangerous a wounded -- but now sane -- Twice can be. motherfucker how I am loving this glorious arc

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aliyawyg20 · 4 years

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if you have a good relationship with your dad and can hug him or tell him you love him, I highly recommend it bc I can’t and it makes me really mad at him for leaving but there’s nothing I can do so if there’s that and you can do what I can’t, pls lmk. maybe it’ll allow me to empathize and feel that loving moment y’all can create as if I could have that for myself right now. I can’t. and I don’t understand why I keep building my life up, except for that that’s what he wanted and worked his whole life for, so I have to. Idk. this pain is disgusting and it just plays catch up. the swing is balanced. back and forth but when I’m back here, I get really scared how low it goes. it’s like every other week the dip gets to be so much and I get scared of my thoughts. it’s always worse at night. if ever there is a time to ask what I need or what you can do, it’s at night. I appreciate everyone’s support as it went on the three weeks of his disappearance and the few weeks of immediate aftermath. how far is the comedown when you’ve already hit rock bottom? pretty horrendously low. especially because the three weeks were trauma in the making and now there’s the post trauma and processing of it on top of the grief itself. losing a parent to a rapidly growing virus in a global pandemic during the trump administration is insane. 9/11, the recession, all my own hardships in my life and now back in one but the full worst? insane. I wish I could chuck the pain down a well deep enough that no one will ever find it again, but I can’t. I can ground as much as I can out, but I can’t rid myself of it all. all the headaches from crying. all the disappointment and sorrow and fake smiles when it’s just pure anxiety and frustration and anger underneath. the lack of energy and not having consistency aside from doubt and hatred and punishment and all. I can’t be doing better than my best, it’s just that my best is tragic. you know my shitty ex decided today to like my mealtrain update post. so nice of him to offer me a reason to spiral downwards and remember why I blocked him in the first place. so sweet to see someone who also traumatized me touch in on another trauma of mine. I don’t like the two blending. I don’t like all the overlaps of everything going on right now. I don’t like the inability to breathe running across the human race in a multitude of fashions right now. I don’t like anything and if I do, pain invites me to find a way to twist it all up and only see the bad of it and how annoyed I am and how tired I am all the time and how I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to do anything. I’m tired of the days or moments where I go to better myself so that my discomfort can be more comfortable and malleable. I feel like I, myself, am rotting. I feel like it’s actually me 6 feet deep below the ground. Yea, I know I can call people and talk and reach out. I make the post because this is what I have to say -nothing that isn’t heard right now. An open dialogue with whoever wants to indulge. I’m fried. I’m tired of talking to the universe. “Hey, if you love me send me a scooter, send me a friend, send me a sign, send me my dad back. Send me my dad back. I want my dad back. Why can’t I bring him back with me from my dreams. Why do I have to leave him up there. I’m so mad he is up there and he never woke up. Why did I wake up why do I wake up I don’t want to wake up.” And the cycles goes on. And I think there’s not enough help in the world to save me through it. There wasn’t enough to save him. Organ by organ, failure by failure. For me it’s emotion by emotion that flings me into failure. How can one be alive when their whole heart was taken. I pity anyone who has to witness the pain I feel. I know I’m the 13th guest. I know I’m either seen as “strong” for smiling through or for still being alive. Unless I get the virus, I’m alive. Existing doesn’t equal strength. Especially not when your whole life becomes this unraveling of your past. It’s dusty. I remembered so much from my childhood today. So much punishment. Detentions at two years old. If my past

is so ugly, why should I count on a future being different? I know that when people see me it’s going to come up. We all know it. It’s just a matter of who will go for a hug, who will go for sympathy and who won’t even ask. I have friends who still don’t know -old best friends. That’s what happens when your relationships survive off of you holding space and playing interviewer. They trust you with their discoveries and heavy burdens but don’t dare even look at the surface of yours. Small talk about my dad’s death. Your discomfort versus my severe mental pain and psychological suicide. you won’t understand. You can’t understand and you don’t want to. My best friend is gone. My best friend cat is gone. Two of my favorite beings died and left me with what? My shithole self? The one who is a rag doll punching bag? If the world was this cruel and punished me this bad, how should I trust its creations to treat me differently. I don’t want to be alive in this universe. I want to escape this game this god plays with us. With me. There’s no use talking to people who haven’t even touched death. Death has followed me since the last life before I even got here. Death said no more watching tv together and no more music in car rides and long drives. No more anything you stupid, ugly worthless child. You ratty little stupid ugly bitch. you absolute f*ggot is what life and death and gia smith have said to me. what am I meant to do? eat masala fries the rest of my life? nothing will ever be worth it again. the bug in my brain are making caverns for themselves. I can’t handle not being held. what would I do if I had pills here? I’m angry at the friends who have offered me pills. I never want pills. But would I want pills? No body no more no body no more no body no more no body no more

#6.12.20 #awful brain

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guilty-love · 4 years

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Shelter

Part 2 of my Secret Santa present for @apodictic-twinkle! Hope you like it <3

April 20th 2026, 05:47 PM Apollo Justice’s apartment

He had never expected his first trial to end like this.

It has already been devastating to Apollo to find his former idol to play the part of the defendant in a trial, to be called a murderer. He could not believe it that Phoenix Wright of all people would murder an innocent traveler, someone he simply played poker with. Killing him over something trivial like a lost game of cards…

But that hadn’t even been the worst part of the trial. His mentor, Kristoph Gavin, had been there, to support Apollo when he needed support, to whisper words in his ear when he felt like losing track of the whole trial. But having Kristoph Gavin around in the courtroom had made things worse and turned everything upside down.

When Apollo has walked out of the courtroom that day he hadn’t known what had happened. How had it ended up with Kristoph Gavin being the culprit? How had it happened that, all of a sudden, he had lost his job?

Of course, those were silly questions. Apollo knew the answers to them. It was thanks to his drive to seek justice that he has uncovered the truth behind the crime, about the dark deeds his boss had done and, as it has to be, he had made sure Kristoph Gavin got what he deserved.

But that didn’t make Apollo feel any better at all.

Even when his idol, Phoenix Wright, stepped over to him to thank him, even when Phoenix offered him a job in his agency – Wright Talent Agency? Really? – Apollo couldn’t bring himself to smile. In the aftermath he didn’t remember anymore what exactly he had said to Phoenix Wright. The only thing he remembered was the feeling of needing to get out of this place, as fast as possible.

He was back in his apartment about two hours after the trial had ended. Usually Apollo tried to be careful with his suit, because as a lawyer you need to look your best when you meet your clients. But after this catastrophe of a first trial all he could think of was getting rid of the stuffy clothes. Especially the jacket which held his attorney’s badge.

He threw it into the corner of his bedroom, not paying any attention to it.

He picked some comfortable clothes from his closet, just a comfy pair of cargo pants and a white shirt. Pulling it over his head ruined his perfectly styled trademark bangs but he couldn’t care less, really. He needed to get his mind off of things, needed to distract himself from what has happened today. He didn’t want to think about it any longer.

He only managed to hit the power-button on his computer to boot it when his phone started ringing, notifying the lawyer that yes, he had received a text message. He really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone – he had talked enough already in the courtroom – but when he read the name ‘Daichi’ on the screen Apollo quickly fumbled with the phone to open the message.

[Daichi:] Hey! Hey hey hey! How is it going, Mister Lawyer?! How was your first trial?!

Apollo sighed. Of course his best friend would want to know how it had been going. He had apologized so many times for not making it, but the current project he was working on at Cosmos Space Center had made it impossible for him.

He really didn’t feel in the mood to talk about things. But he couldn’t just ignore Daichi’s text message now, couldn’t he?

[Apollo:] I won.

He dropped the phone on the surface on the desk again and turned his attention towards his computer, opening the folder that contained all his music. He needed something to take his mind off of things now, something to keep him busy enough to not have him think about this terrible day.

But of course, receiving only a two words message would not satisfy Daichi.

[Daichi:] You won?! That’s amazing! I told you you would be fine, Apollo!

[Daichi:] But then again, you didn’t really answer my question. How was your first trial despite the fact that you have won?

The lawyer groaned. He really really didn’t want to talk about it, but he knew Daichi wouldn’t let go if he didn’t get an honest answer. He’d be worried about Apollo and pester him until he finally got the truth out of him.

[Apollo:] You want to know how it went? It was terrible!

[Apollo:] Not only did I have to defend my idol who was blamed as a murderer in the trial, no.

[Apollo:] Turned out that my boss was the actual culprit! And now they arrested him and I have lost my job!

[Apollo:] And on top of that, I get the feeling that my idol’s daughter has handed me forged evidence, which I can’t proof for certain, but Mister Gavin’s reaction was quite suspicious.

[Apollo:] So yeah, I won, but that victory came with a price I didn’t want to pay.

[Apollo:] And I really don’t want to think about it anymore or talk about it. I just need some time for myself…

Apollo knew he was being unfair. He was angry and hurt and scared and he had held it together so well until now. Had managed to appear brave and strong in front of Phoenix Wright, when he had offered him a job, had even managed to crack a smile when people had talked to him. He had kept it together on his way home but being home, in his own apartment, all by himself he couldn’t keep up the façade any longer.

He knew that he was being unfair to Daichi, who wasn’t even around, to get Apollo’s bad mood shoved into his face. But the lawyer couldn’t help it.

He sobbed, pressing the phone against his chest, squeezing his eyes shut. He just needed time to think. Needed time to breathe. He had been so happy about his job as a lawyer, so happy to finally earn his own money, to be successful in something he loved. And now that happiness lay in pieces in front of him.

Daichi did not write back that day and Apollo was grateful but also sad about that.

April 21st 2026, 10:59 AM Apollo Justice’s apartment

The next day, Apollo slept in. He needed the rest, feeling exhausted from the day before like he had been running a marathon, only to collapse once he reached the goal. He didn’t manage to move once he woke up, just stayed under the warm blankets, staring at the ceiling. Usually his mind would be racing, would be working nonstop, letting him think about all the things he had to get done that day, the appointments that were due.

But that morning, Apollo’s mind drew a blank.

He took his phone after a while to look at the time. It was already quite late and he should get up eventually, to have some breakfast. Or brunch. It was definitely no longer time for breakfast. He noticed, with a mild surprise, that Daichi hadn’t written him. Of course, Apollo had asked for some time for himself but Daichi usually wasn’t the kind of person who would simply accept that and let it go.

Maybe work kept him busy?

Apollo sighed and lowered his phone again, going back to staring at the ceiling, forcing his mind to do what it always did. Thinking about the next steps.

He had no job. Which was bad. He needed a job to earn money, to keep his small apartment. To buy food and things he needed to live. To upgrade his music equipment. But at least he had his attorney’s badge and he won his first case. So he got something good to put in his survey. On the other hand, his former boss and mentor had turned out to be a criminal. That was bad. Terribly bad.

It could mess up everything he had worked towards so hard, could ruin his whole career.

He couldn’t let that stop him. But at the same time, Apollo felt drained. He needed a break. He needed help. But he hated asking for help. He didn’t even know who he could ask for help.

The ringing of the doorbell woke him from his trance. At first, he thought he had only imagined the sound. When the doorbell rang again he knew that no, he hadn’t just imagined things. Someone wanted to see him.

It took Apollo two more rings to get out of bed and walk over to the door to open up. He was amazed how stubborn the person outside was. As if they knew exactly that Apollo was home. He wondered who it would be. The post man? Nah, that guy usually left after trying once. Sometimes he tried twice, but never more than that. A neighbor who needed something from him? But what could they need? Sugar? He hadn’t taken a package for anyone lately, so no, that couldn’t be it.

In the end, the only way to find out who it was was for him to open the door.

“Daichi?”

Apollo cursed himself for sounding surprised. He really should have expected his best friend to show up at the steps of his door. After all, Daichi was that kind of person. He would leave you alone if you asked for it for a few hours only to crash at your place the next day, his arms loaded with bags of-

“…what do you have in those bags?”

“Breakfast, of course!”

Daichi didn’t wait for Apollo to ask him inside. He simply shoved his best friend aside gently, by nudging him with his shoulder, and walked into the living room without asking. There, on the small coffee table he dropped the groceries he had brought – bagels and croissants and sandwiches and cookies and, most important, two steaming cups of coffee.

“You didn’t tell me that you’d come over”, Apollo noted, his voice still exhausted from the day before. He closed the front door and followed Daichi into the living room, sinking onto the floor in front of the coffee table that was loaded with a mountain of food.

“Yeah, cuz you wouldn’t have let me in if I did.”

It was a bold statement but Apollo ducked slightly. Daichi knew that he was right about his guess and Apollo knew it too. If Daichi would have announced himself Apollo would have told him to stay away and probably even wouldn’t have opened the door at all.

Still, the smell of the feast Daichi has brought and the steaming cup of coffee made Apollo’s stomach growl. He hadn’t eaten anything the day before either, because he had felt sick to the stomach. Now his body started to crave food – and even more important, caffeine.

“We don’t need to talk”, Daichi suddenly announced, which surprised Apollo. “I read the newspaper. Guess I have a certain idea of what was going on. Heavy stuff, really. But that’s why I am here. You need some good distraction and I brought something help you getting distracted.”

Apollo glanced at Daichi, wondering what his friend had brought over that was supposed to help him feeling better. He reached out to take on of the steaming cups, warming his cool fingers on it. He took a sip, slowly because the drink was still hot, before he finally asked.

“And what exactly did you bring?”

Daichi pulled a little device from the pocket of his jacket, grinning happily. It wasn’t big, only about two and a half inches long, fully silver and with the logo of GYAXA on it. It took Apollo a moment to recognize what it was, but when he did he frowned in confusion: “A flash drive?”

“It’s a new song I have been working on!”

Apollo lowered his cup, frowning even more. He knew very well what Daichi meant when he said he had been working on a song. And he probably brought it to make another collaboration, like they had in the past, before he had become Kristoph Gavin’s pupil.

“Daichi, you know that I have no time for music…”

“Why not?” Apollo’s mouth shut when Daichi suddenly interrupted him. He stared at his best friend, confused. Why not? Did he really ask why not?

Before Apollo could answer, Daichi continued talking: “Listen, I know that you are in a shitty situation. And I know that you are not fine. I can see it in your face.” Apollo lowered his gaze, feeling called out. “But that’s okay. What had happened yesterday was terrible! Neither of us thought that your first trial would be so… so difficult! Chaotic! Hey, and if you feel like crying, cry! If you feel like yelling, yell! But let me try to help you. You need to get your mind off of things first before you can start feeling better. So let’s work on this song together, okay? I really need you. I have been working on this for weeks but it’s still not the way I want it to be. Because I can’t do this alone. I need my partner for this. I need Otoroki.”

Apollo let out a deep sigh, which turned into a soft chuckle.

“You always know how to get me, huh?” He shook his head. His body felt still weak, from the exhaustion and the lack of food, but his mind started to buzz again. He could feel the excitement coming back, the eagerness to create something, not alone but together with Daichi.

“Fine then. Let’s finish that new song of yours. But first –breakfast!”

June 15th 2016, 08:58 AM Wright & Co. Law Office

Apollo swallowed. He stood in front of the door to the Wright Talent Agency and knew that he should be knocking. In fact, he had been standing in front of the door for the last thirty minutes, but whenever he raised his hand to knock fear washed over him.

For the fourth time now Apollo lowered his hand again and took a deep, slow breath.

“I’m Apollo Justice and I’m fine.” He muttered. “I’m Apollo Justice and I’m fine.”

He raised his hand, but this time not because he wanted to knock on the door. He pulled out his phone, unlocking it and checking his text messages. There weren’t really any interesting messages, nothing new that could help him distract himself a little longer from stepping inside that office – or agency – and announce that yes, he was willing to take up the offer Phoenix Wright had proposed to him.

He wanted to put the phone back into the pocket again when his eyes caught sight of Daichi’s message he had sent that morning. He had read it already several times and whenever he did it brought a smile to his lips.

He clicked onto the message to read it, one last time.

[Daichi:] Heads up, Apollo! You can do it! You are Apollo Justice and you are fine! Now go and get that new job of yours! Trust me, it will be worth the trip!

His enthusiasm was contagious, it always had been. Daichi had been a good friend, since the first day they had met. But especially during the last two months, after losing his job and losing the will to go on it had been thanks to Daichi that Apollo had managed to get out of his slump.

They had hung out together, spent a lot of time together. Daichi and Apollo. Terranica and Otoroki.

Apollo took another deep breath and put the phone back into the pocket. He straightened his back and tensed his shoulders before raising his hand and stepping inside the office, towards a new and unknown future.

#Ace Attorney Utaite AU #ace attorney #ace attorney fanficition #apollo justice #clay terran #apodictic-twinkle #apodictictwinkle #ooc #secret santa

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writingsbymarie · 7 years

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Wicked Game ~ Peter Parker, Part 2

Summary: Dealing with the aftermath of heartbreak and not talking to Peter for 2 weeks causes the reader to not want to go to homecoming, but MJ forces her to go and the events that happen there may turn the worst 2 weeks to the best 2 weeks of her life.

Warnings: Minor swearing, angst, make out

Word count: 2,589… I got a little carried away whoops

It's been two weeks since the incident on the rooftop. I haven't talked to Peter since then. At this point, I could barely look at him without bursting into tears. The truth is beside Peter I didn't have any friends besides Michelle. I didn't exactly tell her what happened, but I'm pretty sure she figured out it had to do with Peter. Ignoring Peter wasn't incredibly hard since we lived in the same apartment. Just because I didn't want to talk didn't mean he didn't. For the first week, he followed me around trying to talk to me. Of course, I had headphones and turned them up as loud as my ears could handle so I couldn't hear his voice. At least he took the hint and stopped trying to start a conversation. Now he just stares at me. All of the time. I swear he keeps playing this game. Doesn't he get he already won? The more he looks at me the more my heart breaks. At this point I'm numb. Why the hell did I fall in love with him? I'm such a fool.

“Are you going to tell me what happened between you and Peter or are you just going to sit staring out the window looking like you're about to cry everyday” I heard Michelle say nonchalantly.

“It's a long story MJ” I replied

“Good thing this homework we are working on isn't due tomorrow,” She said putting the books aside.

“I don’t really want t-”

“You can’t keep this to yourself any more Y/N I'm seriously getting worried, I'm not a doctor, but I know hiding something that made you this upset for too long isn't smart,” she said interrupting me

“He broke my heart” I whispered, tears beginning to fill my eyes as my mind replayed the events of the worst night of my life.

“He doesn't deserve you Y/N, if he doesn't see how amazing you are he's blind, and a fucking idiot to be honest, Do you want me to beat him up for you because I'm totally willing to do that because I hate assholes”

“Oh my god, thank you MJ” I laughed, I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've laughed in the past 2 weeks. MJ may be very shy and unsocial, but once you get to know her she's amazing. To be completely honest her attitude, in general, is enough to cheer me up. She's so different and honestly an inspiration. I'm so grateful for her because without her I know this whole Peter thing would be much worse.

“I'll beat him up in front of the whole school during homecoming” MJ giggled clenching her fists and holding them up like she was going to fight someone.

“You know I’m now going to homecoming, right”?

“Excuse me yes you are, you will not let Peter Parker ruin some of the best moments you'll ever have in high school. You shouldn't let him have that power over you, and even if he does don't let him see that”

“But I can't bear to see him dancing wi-”

“So don't look at them, find your own boy to dance with, there will be tons of handsome lonely boys looking for a beautiful girl like you to dance with, you are a strong independent girl and you don't need Peter Parker to make your life complete, and come on if I agreed to go to homecoming that says a lot since I'm probably the most unsocial person on the planet and I need a friend to come with me so I'm not alone, please come Y/N I'm practically on my knees begging you” MJ blurted. She was right, I can't let Peter control my life.

“Fine I guess I'll go but for you,” I said

“Yay! I'm so excited” she exclaimed giving me a hug, good thing I had bought a dress. I would have to wear my one from last years homecoming and to be honest, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't fit.

For the rest of the night, we ate ice cream and watched funny chick flicks and I forgot all about Peter until she had to leave. As much as I don't want Peter to control my life, but I can't bear to see Peter dancing with Liz. I think my heart would shatter into a million pieces. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and I looked at myself, I honestly looked like a mess. I had bags under my eyes, my eyes were puffy from crying so much. Why was I letting Peter Parker ruin my life? I should never let a boy ruin my life. I have so much more than Peter Parker. If this game was to break my heart. I shouldn't let him win. I have to stop moping 24/7 and actually live. Even if I don't have a date to homecoming it doesn't mean I won't find a lonely boy to dance with. After all, it's completely possible to fall in love more than once. I'm not going to let Peter win. Somehow I managed to find some confidence. It's time to be my old self again I thought walking from the bathroom. I walked into my room and jumped into my bed and swiftly pulled the covers over me. Tomorrow is a new day, a new me. No more crying over Peter Parker I thought as I drifted into a nice well-needed slumber.

-------------

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock, scaring the shit out of me like it always does. I groaned turning off my alarm clock and getting up to walk to my closet to find clothes. Lately, i’ve been wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt to school every day, but that was going to change. I grabbed a pair of skinny jeans and a nice shirt and skipped to the bathroom.

“Why are you so cheerful today honey” I heard my mom say as I skipped past the kitchen to get to the bathroom.

“Homecoming is today, and you know how much I love to dance mom” I practically sung as I closed the bathroom door. Today I needed to show confidence. I needed Peter to know I wasn't going to mope over him forever. I caught him staring at me countless times this week. I hope showing him I’m getting over him will make him jealous. Wait. no that's not the point of this I mentally yelled at myself as I grabbed eyeliner and mascara. After I finished putting on makeup, I slipped on my clothes and grabbed my pair of black converse.

“You look cute today Y/N” my mom pointed out.

“Thanks, mom” I answering grabbing my backpack and giving my mom a kiss on the cheek.

“Your father and I aren't going to be home for a couple of days, we have to go on a business trip, but make sure to send us pictures, I'm sorry we won't be here,” she said, she obviously felt bad, but they did this all of the time.

“It's fine” I lied as I walked out the door. A sigh left my mouth. I don't know why they are always traveling I wish they could actually be home for one special event of mine. No wonder I'm closer to May than my parents, but I can't see her without seeing Peter. Peter was usually the person who always comforted me when my parents would leave. I felt tears start to sting my eyes. No. I promised myself I would stop crying over him. I blinked away the tears and began walking to school. I walked kind of slow so when I walked in most people were at their lockers. What happened next was pretty weird. It felt like I was in a movie. Everything was going in slow motion and basically, everyone was staring at me. I mean I'm pretty sure it's because the past two weeks I've acted like actual death and looked it too, but then again I didn't think people noticed.

“Nice ass Y/L/N” I heard Flash say from behind me

“Shut it Flash” I warned, as he put both his hands up laughing. I right as I turned around I ran into someone which knocked me over making me land right on my butt.

“I'm so sor-” I cut myself off as my eyes met with the brown sparkling orbs of Peter Parker. He was holding out his hand offering to help me up. For some reason, I actually took his hand. I could feel my whole body tingling just from him grabbing my hand. He pulled me up, and I immediately let go of his hand brushing off my pants. I brushed the hair that was in my face behind my ear and stood up straight.

“I'm really sorry about that” I mumble looking down at my feet

“It's okay” he insisted, I looked up at his face to see a bruise on his face that I hadn't noticed.

“Oh my god Peter the bruise on your face, who did that to you”I whispered yelled

“It doesn't matter, the bad guy just got a swing at my face” he stated

“You have to be more careful Peter” I cautioned.

“I am careful you don't have to worry about me Y/N” he insisted

“Well I do,” I said louder than I wanted to. “I-I h-have to class” I interjected bowing my head and pushing past him to get to class trying to hide the tint of red on my cheeks. That was actually the first semi-normal interaction I had with him in 2 weeks and I barely embarrassed myself. The rest of the day went by pretty fast and MJ and I literally ran home so we could get ready. I went into the bath reapplying and putting more makeup on. I quickly stripped my clothes off and slipped into my dress. I looked into the mirror and I was actually happy with what I saw. I walked out to see Michelle in a beautiful blue dress.

“Dang M, how did you not get a date,” I said

“Well besides from the fact I don’t talk to people, I have no idea” she laughed

“Are you ready to go?” I asked

“Yep, it's funny how both are always gone for the important things,” She said obviously upset her parents weren't here too. I gave her a small hug and soft smile and we walked out.

-----------

We arrived at the school and walked into the gym. There were balloons everywhere the lights were dim and kids were dancing. MJ and I met up with Ned. I saw Liz walk in without Peter and I raised my eyebrow. I heard the doors open shortly after MJ and I made eye contact with his brown whiskey eyes. I felt like I was staring him for years until MJ pulled me away as Liz grabbed his hand. MJ grabbed my arm and pulled me over to a circle of basically the whole decathlon team dancing, but I still looked towards Peter who surprisingly still has his eyes on me. and I eventually I started to let go and dance to the beat. I felt good the music was upbeat and I was actually having a great time. I took a mental note that I owe MJ Starbucks for making me come to this. There were a couple songs and I dance one dance with Ned, and I even danced with Flash even though I hate him. There was only about 30 minutes left of the dance, and a boy named Isaac who I had couple classes with timidly walked up to me

“Y/N would you like to dance with me,” he asked shyly

“Of course” I replied grabbing his hand and pulling him to the center of the gym. I put my arms around his neck and he put his on my hips and we danced for 2 songs, but I could see and feel Peter's eyes on me but he was jealous. I knew he was because I've known him my whole life and I definitely know when that boy is jealous. He has Liz so why he so bothered by me dancing with someone else.

“You're distracted by something” he blurted out leaving me a little shocked.

“No, I'm just tired” I insisted

“Hey, look I'm pretty observant, but I'm pretty sure anyone could tell you like Peter Parker a lot more than a friend, and I'm 99.9% positive he feels the same way” He explained

“He is with Liz, he likes Liz, and I already told him how I felt”

“If you haven't noticed he's been staring at this whole dance right”

“So what that doesn't mean anything” I signed looking at my feet.

“Like I said I'm very observant, and the way Peter looks at you is different than he looks at anyone else even Liz” he argued, and I laughed

“You should ask MJ to dance, you guys are very similar” I sighed, still looking at my feet. Soon the song Waves by Dean Lewis came on.

“I'm about to be proven right,” he said triumphantly

“Wait, what do yo-”

“You mind if I steal her for a dance” I looked to see Peter holding out his hand

“Absolutely” he replied winking at me. I mouthed “I hate you” and he put his hands up in defense walking away. Peter put his hands on my hips and I put mine on his shoulders. I couldn't face him, I had no idea why he was dancing with me, or how Liz allowed him to do it. I was staring at his tie.

“You look really beautiful tonight Y/N” he commented quietly. Seriously is this boy trying to lead me on? What the hell does he want from me? I pushed him away.

“What kind of game are you playing Parker because I'm seriously sick of th-” I was cut off by him slamming his lips into mine, making my eyes open wider than humanly possible. My arms were at my side clenched and my whole body went tense. To be honest I could not comprehend what was happening, but eventually, my body relaxed and I wrapped my arms around his neck pulling him closer and savoring the way his soft lips felt on mine. We pulled away for air.

“Why did you do that” I whispered.

“Just because I was going to homecoming with didn't mean I didn't have the same feelings for you” He revealed bowing his head down. “I asked Liz to homecoming because I thought you didn't feel the same way, I was going to tell you after that night, but you never really gave me the chance”. I was speechless, honestly, I didn't know how to react to this, so I just hugged him engulfing his.

“I love you, Peter Parker”

“I love you too”

I guess this wicked game came out with both of us winning.

-------------

I hope you guys liked it! Feedback is seriously appreciated

tag list: @bonum-viatee @emily-ily2 @kkkkkennedyyyyy @spidderdaddy @slythergirlimagines

#peter parker #peter parker edit #peter parker imagine #peter parker smut #peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #tom holland #tom holland edit #tom holland imagine #tom holland smut #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #spiderman #spider man: homecoming #Spiderman edit #spiderman imagine #spiderman x reader #spiderman smut

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flighty37-blog · 7 years

Text

It Was Not My Intention

Summary: After a late night party, things happen in the aftermath.

Graphic: Anal sex is done in one part. But still somewhat tasteful.

Rating: R-T-K.

Warning 2: Dan swears of course.

Summary: “I kissed a boy and I liked it….” Not quite established Phan. On the cusp of discovery. Not recommended for readers 12 and under. If this makes you uncomfortable, stop reading it.

Disclaimer I do not own these characters. They own themselves. I respect their privacy.

Enjoy, or not....

Sometime after 3AM…

Dan picked up the disposable cups, and then picked up the empty bottles. It had been an intimate ‘friends only’ party. A house warming party. Flat warming? He shook his head.

This had been out of the ‘norm’ for the both of them.

But it had been fun. Fun?

He shook his head.

His head was still fuzzy. He’d drunk more than he’d intended. Phil was asleep on the sofa, covered in a duvet. He tried to be quiet. Yeah good luck with that. His limbs were like noodles, or a newborn giraffe…. He tiptoed as best as he could. But then the cups rattled as he made his way to the trash bin. “Shh,” he said to himself.

“Dan?” A groggy voice stopped him in his tracks.

“Yeah?” Dan whispered, or he tried to. The noise he made sounded like a cross between a dying goose and a leaky tyre.

“D’ya need help?” The groggy voice yawned.

“No. I’ve got it. Go back to sleep,” Dan said.

“I could help,” the voice said, as the body attached stretched.

“N…” But Dan got no further. “Phil really, you’re knackered,” Dan tried.

“I’m fine,” Phil said, as he surveyed the ‘damage’. There were remnants of disposable plates scattered about. A right mess.

“These people don’t know how to clean,” Phil joked, as he accidentally bumped into Dan.

Dan winced as his arm was momentarily pinned between Phil’s hip and the arm of the sofa.

“Oh, sorry!” Phil yelped and moved, and fell backwards onto the sofa. Dan frowned.

He leaned over and pulled Phil up by the lapel of his pastel green over shirt. He leaned in to where he was looking deeply, more deeply than was ever seen on camera, almost nose to nose, fringe to fringe. He brushed his lips over Phil’s and pulled away. Phil, reciprocated. Soon, they’d both fallen back onto the sofa, and somehow the duvet got wrapped around them, along with entwined limbs. They kissed again, this time a little deeper.

“We’re tipsy….I’m tipsy….You’re drunk,” Phil tried and gave a laugh as they pulled away for the second time.

“Then we won’t remember….” Dan answered.

“True….” Phil said, not letting go. “I’m ass first in the air though,” Dan said, and adjusted his body just so. How perfectly they fit together.

“It’s like we’re two puzzle pieces isn’t it?” Phil asked.

“What d’you mean?” Dan asked, though he knew. He’d known all along. His hand searched for something nearby. “Where’s my drink?” Dan asked.

“Dunno,” Phil said, but still he held on with all his might. It seemed as if he just kept holding tighter and tighter. Well….if that’s how this night was going to end….Dan laid his head on Phil’s chest. Phil put a hand through Dan’s hair.

“Tired,” Dan said.

“Yeah? Well….Let’s get off the sofa and go to our rooms,” Phil suggested.

“Can’t. Move. Don’t. Wanna move,” Dan answered. He was comfortable to be honest. Though he was taller, Phil was lankier. Dan giggled to himself.

“What?” Phil asked, as he pulled his hand out of the curly tangle of hair.

“N-Nothing. It’s just that I’m taller, but you’re lankier, like a newborn calf, or horse, or...or...woodpecker,” Dan couldn’t help himself as he started to laugh again.

“Really? A woodpecker?” Phil asked.

“Well it’s better than a seal,” Dan retorted, and somehow, propped his elbow on Phil’s lower stomach and looked at Phil again, this time not so close.

He reached out with his other hand, traced a finger around his friend’s lips. For that’s what they were. Friends. Strictly friends. Best friends. But….He frowned, and crooked a finger, so that Phil was folded in half, sort of sitting up, sort of lying down.

“Uh…” But his line of questioning was interrupted as Dan kissed him again. ‘Makeout session’? ‘Could be worse’, Phil thought to himself. After all who knew themselves better than they did; besides their families?

Was Dan wearing cherry lip balm? Cherry was a good flavour. He’d opted for one of his cereal flavoured lip balms. Cherry and cereal, were a good combination.

Dan pulled away and then just stared into Phil’s deep blues and yellows. “Your eyes have three colours,” Dan said.

“Well spotted,” Phil replied, wondering how he remained so calm.

Well after seven and a half years, he’d had lots of practise.

Dan wasn’t ever ‘out of control’. Just...full of deep seated emotions.

Whether it was two weeks on the floor, though not so much anymore, or ranting about the world’s politics, whose turn it was to buy from Tesco’s or ASDA, swearing during a game play through, either recorded or not. It was like living with a whirlwind, or a hurricane. But it wasn’t disturbing or frightening. It was actually sort of fun. Life was never dull with the two of them.

Even if they didn’t go outside or socialise.

And they, they were, oh here they went again. Round three….Phil closed his eyes relaxing into this. Unexpected, unintended, lazy, uncomplicated. Knowing each other. Just like the rest of their lives. Phil steadied himself, and then he wrapped his hands around Dan’s head, and steadied the younger person against him.

The kiss went deeper. He was curious. They’d never experimented; at least not on each other. And this, well it didn’t feel wrong exactly. They knew each other’s secrets by now. They knew how far to go. And this was just another layer to add to the list. Kissing. It wasn’t gross. It was just like kissing a girl, but it was nice just the same.

Dan had nice soft lips. Even if he was drunk.

“Ph’l?” Dan slurred a bit as he pulled away yet again.

“Yeah?” Phil opened his eyes.

“Can we keep kissing after we’re sober?” Dan asked.

“If you remember tonight when you wake up later, then I consent,” Phil said.

“Okay. Good. I’m….” Dan’s head hit Phil’s chest, surprising him, and then, Dan’s arms were wrapped around his middle, and wrapped around his lower back, Phil decided to lie down again, as Dan’s body went limp and he completely fell asleep.

Phil played with the curls until he too, felt the sleep pulling him into its warm fuzzy folds. He felt around for the duvet that had fallen off, before he’d fully committed to the sleep gods, and covered them both with it. Dan didn’t move.

Phil patted Dan’s back, and then his eyes closed. Thank god he was wearing his glasses. Today had been a ‘glasses day’ anyway.

“When we’re sober, you won’t remember, and you’ll freak out; but I’ll calm you down. I’ll calm us both down,” was Phil’s last statement before sleep claimed him.

The Next Morning (Midday but who cares?)….

Dan groaned, and rubbed an eye with his palm. He froze. Why wasn’t he in his bedroom? Why was he on top of Phil?

Why did his lips taste like cereal? Had he gone on a sleepwalking cereal binge? Why were his arms around Phil? Why was there a duvet on top of him? He looked down at Phil’s sleeping form and...Stopped.

He was so cute. Like on the bus when Phil’d been sick and he’d filmed Phil’s sleeping face. He felt the urge to trace Phil’s lips. The hell? He shrugged, his stomach was still lined with alcohol. He played with Phil’s lips.

“If we’re gonna kiss again, at least brush your teeth, or gargle with mouthwash,” Phil started, and kept his eyes closed.

“Gargle? That’s so American of you Phil,” Dan grinned at him, and stopped playing with his friend’s lips, as Phil cracked an eye open at him, but they didn’t let go of each other.

“Want to finish what we started?” Phil asked, and waited. He waited for the torrent of emotions to play out.

“What’d we start?” Dan asked. Ahhh the coy card. Phil patted Dan’s cheek.

“Don’t play coy,” Phil said, as Dan frowned.

“I started it,” Dan admitted.

“You woke me up you nerk,” Phil said.

“Yeah I did,” Dan grinned as he wiggled about.

“You’re about to start something else,” Phil answered, calmly, like he always was.

Always calm. Always the voice of reason. At least today he was.

He was mostly spontaneous. He was the one who knocked sound dampening foam off the wall with his butt. He was the one who adjusted cameras, downloaded the games. Was domestic. Dan was the procrastinator. The one who had a browsing position, and not just in the crease. It was….Well there was that. The kissing.

So much kissing. Was this because they’d been single so long? There were only two of them in the new flat. There’d been just two of them since 2009. Well not strictly true. There were others outside their flat that they talked to. Acquaintances. But friends? Only them. Bosom buddies. Best friends. Bffls. Best Friends For Life.

“When did we get to this point?” Phil wondered.

“To what point?” Dan’s voice shook him for a moment.

Shoot! He’d said the thought out loud as the kiss had finished.

“To the point where we turned to each other?” Phil asked.

“Asking the real shit early, huh?” Dan asked, refusing to move, and Phil didn’t make the effort to depose him from his perch.

“Dating’s a right flop, Tinder was a social experiment….We’re the...only...ones… Is this wrong?” Dan asked, as he frowned.

“Am I throwing you on to the floor and running out of the room like a scared guinea pig?” Phil asked.

“No…” Dan’s voice trailed off.

“There’s your answer,” Phil answered.

Dan’s hand found a cup, and he downed the contents.

“That’s gross,” Phil wrinkled his nose and he frowned this time.

“I needed the courage,” Dan said.

“Ahhh, this is so ooc of you, turning to alcohol this early, but I understand. I really do,” Phil said, as he found a way to prop himself up, using his elbows.

“When I, when we, move it’s going to be really awkward,” Dan said, his voice growing sheepish.

“Why?” Phil asked.

“Because, I’m hard,” Dan finally admitted.

“Oh. Oh!” Phil tried to take the pressure off.

“I’ve got to finish it myself, but it’s not so bad. Yet,” Dan answered and laid his head back down onto Phil’s chest.

“You’re still drunk,” Phil pointed out.

“I just downed some rancid alcohol that’s been left out overnight!” Dan squeaked out, making Phil wince.

Phil barely drank, and when he did, he knew when to stop. Pacing himself. Dan got tipsy, well tipsier than Phil at least. They never ‘got totally smashed’, but there were times when Phil had had to prop Dan up until they got home.

“Until we move I’m gonna just…” Dan sloppily kissed Phil again.

“Okay,” Phil shrugged, as his ‘okay’ was swallowed by the kiss.

Who was he to disagree? They were still tipsy. They were still tired. They hadn’t kissed. Since...since the first time...The day they’d met face to face. Manchester. The Manchester Wheel. Or as some had called it, ‘The Manchester Eye’.

“We had something back then. Our own little bubble, our own little world. What happened?” Phil spoke.

“And then...Shippers happened,” Dan nodded.

“I miss being this close. It was so innocent back then. Such a...a…” Phil tried to verbalise. It was hard to verbalise so early.

“Don’t try, your brain’s not awake just yet,” Dan said, as he put a pointer finger to Phil’s lips.

“What’s your obsession with my lips?” Phil asked.

“They’re pale pink. A bit of the only place on you, besides your eyes and hair, that have colour. The rest of you is translucent,” Dan said. “Right? Translucent? Or transparent?” Dan asked.

“You’re right. Translucent means you can almost see through my very pale skin,” Phil responded, after Dan had taken his pointer finger away from his lips.

“Y-Yeah,” Dan nodded, and gave Phil half of a smile.

“Since you’re playing with my lips, can I play with my favourite part of you?” Phil asked.

“Sure,” Dan answered.

“Since you’re playing with my lips, and that tickles by the way….I’ll….” He reached for the back of Dan’s neck.

“Careful, I’m still twitchy back there,” Dan said.

“When have I never been careful of ‘that space’?” Phil asked.

“You’ve always been careful with me. Like I’m gonna break or something,” Dan answered, his face contrite, his words somewhat sharp.

“Teenage Dan emergeth,” Phil smiled a bit.

“Sorry. I’m still 14-18 down inside,” Dan said.

“Twelve to eighteen,” Phil retorted, and his smile grew.

“I was eighteen when we first met. Remember,” Dan reminded him.

“How could I forget? I felt like a dirty old man at the tender age of twenty-two,” Phil said.

“You were an old man. A cradle robber. The nerve of you,” Dan responded.

“You’re ruining the moment!” Dan pouted a second later.

“Ahhh eighteen, hello there,” Phil grinned, and reached his hand towards Dan’s neck.

He didn’t even flinch. “You don’t flinch when I touch you,” Phil said in wonderment.

“Why should I? You’re never gonna hurt me. Now shush,” Dan said, and traced his finger around Phil’s mouth.

Then he went down Phil’s own neck, grazing the Adam’s apple that bobbed ever so slightly.

Phil closed his eyes as he stroked Dan’s neck. Caressing it, rolling the folds between his forefinger and thumb. Loving how there were slight grunts of approval from Dan. Then he went to Dan’s shoulders. One shoulder he kneaded and massaged, carefully. Don’t break the moment. Keep the moment forever.

“When we’re like this… I feel all….” Dan shushed himself, and he kissed Phil’s Adam’s apple. It bobbed up and down, as if Phil were talking, but no sound came out.

Phil closed his eyes and leaned his head back, exposing the whole of his neck, breathing in and out. The duvet fell off the sofa, and Dan’s feet were dangling on the arm of it. They were content.

“This...Is what I signed up for,” Dan smirked, as he trailed the same finger down the Adam’s apple and opened the outer shirt, exposing the pale blue shirt underneath.

“Life always finds a way,” Dan continued, exposing the shirt even more. Phil pushed his hands onto Dan’s chest, inviting him.

Dan smiled. He kissed the bobbing apple, and then he pulled down the collar and kissed Phil’s clavicle. It sent a shudder down Phil, and he groaned again.

Phil tried to pull Dan closer, so that he’d also have full access to Dan’s neck. The back of it at least, and thread his fingers through Dan’s hair.

But like everything else in life, he was a complete flop, and they ended up tumbling to the ground, right on top of the duvet. “Ow!” both groaned collectively.

“How convenient. Now I’ve got more access,” Dan whispered. Phil kept his mouth shut. Let his body do the talking. Let his hips ‘not lie’. It was all in the body language.

He arched his back up a little, and he thrust into Dan. As demonstrated, in that one video where Dan was showing how people react to other people. There was that ‘bump’, and then….Was that what Dan thought that was? He smiled a little, and pulled Phil up into an almost sitting position. And Phil wrapped his legs, around Dan’s hips, and then he wrapped his arms around Dan’s torso, and he closed his eyes.

They kissed again.

Both reveling in the sensations that this was giving them. Both not wanting it to end. Their eyes were closed, their lips were engaged, their hips were grinding, Phil’s upwards, Dan’s a little lower, their feet were touching.

As if it were a scene from Mission Impossible, but without the wires, their hands were entangled. Reaching for the treasure they knew they would find. Phil pulled Dan’s curly mop, and Dan threw his head back.

Phil took the opportunity and kissed his neck, nibbling. Biting...the earlobes were next…. Dan wrapped a leg around Phil’s middle, and there were groans. Hopefully the neighbours wouldn’t hear anything. Dan was vocal; very vocal. So vocal, that sometimes there needed to be two palms across his mouth.

“ARGH!” Dan grunted.

“Shhh,” Phil pleaded.

“AGGGGHHHH!!!!” Dan got louder.

“Shhh Dan….Please?” Phil begged, trying to keep his own noises in check. It felt so wrong, it felt so right.

“Can’t…” Dan mumbled, as he dropped his face onto Phil’s chest. Quite hard.

“Ow!” Phil yelped.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled.

“C’mere, we’ll do relaxing groping and touching, and of course, kissing,” Phil suggested. As if by magic their bodies melded so close together, they seemed to be one person, each clinging to the other, as if they had been adrift at sea, and were clinging on to debris.

Their heads were forming a sort of heart, and they were back to kissing. Dan had ripped Phil’s shirt almost in half. Phil was sorry to lose that shirt. Dan’s hair was getting messier than he normally allowed it, but it was Phil, and who cared?

It wasn’t like anyone was spying on them. They weren’t filming. It was just them. On the floor. On top of a duvet. Limbs entwined. It was comfortable. They kissed as if their lives depended on it. And maybe, just for the moment, their lives did depend on it. Breathing was inconsequential.

They had no care in the world. Just two people, having known each other half of their lives, most of their adult lives, exploring; tasting and consuming each other. Loving the taste. Hoping that after it was over that it wouldn’t be weird. That they could get this out of their drunken systems, and remain friends. Best friends.

“Lose it,” Dan whispered.

“Lose what?” Phil whispered back.

“The pants, the jeans, all of it,” Dan commanded.

“You first,” Phil smirked at him. Their eyes deadlocked.

“Daring me now Lester?” Dan tried out a husky voice.

“No, making you, I’m the top….Remember?” Phil scoffed.

“How can I forget? But who’s on top now?” Dan said.

Phil’s smirk got wider. “You’re right….” Phil fumbled, but Dan came to his rescue.

Tossing the remnants of shirt he still had in his hands, to the floor. He took a hold of the fly, and he unzipped. The sound was scary yet satisfying.

“Mmm…” Dan approved.

Phil tried with Dan successfully loosening and losing the pants and skinny jeans respectively.

“Woah,” Phil gulped.

“Don’t chicken out on me,” Dan said.

“I’m not,” Phil answered, their gazes never wavering. Their eyes still deadlocked. Their mouths curving into smirks and smiles. Each daring, each trying to figure out their feelings. Their feelings they’d repressed, so that there wasn’t so much pushing….

“So long…” Phil said.

“Yeah it has been,” Dan nodded.

“Do it,” Phil said. And then the words died out, and then it started up again.

“Wiggle….” Dan’s voice was breathy against Phil’s ear, making him close his eyes.

He wiggled just the same. The jeans were gone.

“Wiggle some more Lion,” Dan’s voice was low, husky, sensual….Having picked that tone up from Phil, whenever Phil had a cold.

“Do not steal my ‘cold voice’,” Phil said.

“Shut up,” Dan said, and nibbled Phil’s earlobe, as he reached for the waistband of the pants.

“Wiggle,” Dan commanded. Phil wiggled once again.

The pants were gone now too. Exposed, moist, kissing his best friend. He should be embarrassed, but he wasn’t. How many times had they walked in on each other au natural? So many times….

There was no level of embarrassment they hadn’t had out when they’d first started living with each other. And all of a sudden, it was skin on skin, they never broke contact. Their kisses seemed to intensify. Dan’s hard-on was pressing against Phil’s own. Phil grunted.

“Turn over,” Dan whispered.

“What?!” Phil’s yelp came out louder than he’d intended.

“Turn over. I’ll get off of your front, I have to pull away,” Dan said.

“I don’t want to. The flat’s freezing, and I don’t want to let you go,” Phil stalled.

“It’ll only be for a little while five minutes tops. Besides, I’ve watched lots of yaoi, and read some Phanfics. It can’t be that bad. Can it?” Dan reassured him.

“If I die from this...All those other Phanfics will come true, and you’ll be all alone!” Phil put in a last ditch effort.

“I’ll resurrect you through a ritual, or I’ll commit suicide,” Dan answered, shrugging his shoulders.

“Sacrilege,” Phil chuckled, as they pulled apart, and Phil turned over.

“Now according to what I’ve watched….” Dan mused.

“Lube you numbskull!” Phil yelped out.

“Don’t call me a numbskull, you idiot sandwich,” Dan said.

“I’ve got lube,” Dan nodded to himself.

“Is it flavoured?” Phil cheekily asked, turning his head a bit and glancing at Dan.

“I’m not a sex noob,” Dan scoffed.

“Okay then. Let the probing begin,” Phil said, as Dan ran to his room.

Phil followed his friend’s retreat with his eyes, admiring what he saw. Dan shook his ass hard, knowing he was being watched. Phil adjusted the duvet underneath himself so he was a little more comfortable.

“I brought latex gloves,” Dan announced.

“Oh….” Phil bit his lower lip. Dan mirrored Phil’s movement. Biting his own lip.

He concentrated and he spread the butt cheeks.

He lifted his hips and inserted his hard on into the hole. Phil squeezed his eyes shut, the sensation was strange, yet satisfying. Dan, slid inside. It was a tight fit, and he tried not to hurt his flatmate as much. He pumped up and down inside, causing sensations that Phil didn’t even know existed, to make him shiver. But they were good sensations. This wasn’t as bad as he’d thought it was going to be. He ‘mm’d a bit, and kept his eyes closed.

Enjoying the slight rocking motion.

This was just like ‘straight sex’, except it wasn’t front to front. It was front to back, and yet….

What was wrong with this? Why would he be going to hell? Dan smirked a little, as he felt the hard on get what it needed. He felt it flagging a bit, as he was relieved of the pressure, and he felt that he was about to come. He pumped a bit more, and then they both felt the slight explosion. No need, or time for apologies. Dan simply used the corner of the duvet, and he smirked again, as he gently rolled Phil onto his back again.

Phil winced. He hurt now, but again the sensation was quite lovely.

“So? How was it?” Dan asked, as they took hold of each other again, face to face. Eyeing each other. Gauging the other’s reaction. Hoping they weren’t veering off into different directions. Hoping they were still, at least, friends.

“I enjoyed it. But I think you’ve done it in real life tbh,” Phil answered.

“I experimented in university,” Dan nodded.

“But not with me? Why haven’t you come onto me before? Why have you waited?” Phil asked.

“Remember me not having had a best friend for the first….” Dan paused.

“Eighteen years of your life,” Phil finished the sentence.

They mostly finished each other’s sentences. It was part of their odd, awkward, satisfying synchronicity that they shared. That was one of the many things Dan liked about Phil. They could mostly tell what the other was thinking, one eyebrow raise, one shrug.

“Precisely; and why would I want to ruin something that I’ve grown accustomed to? I was your fanboy/ stalker first. I was always hounding you, pressing you. You let me into your life, and you let me live with you. I couldn’t come onto you. I couldn’t press you. Until we got drunk last night, early this morning. This just felt….Right. You know?” Dan leaned back a little.

Worried that he’d said too much. But he still felt the after effects of the alcohol. He still felt like he needed to be with Phil.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind it. I sort of knew this would probably, most likely be the next step,” Phil smiled up at him, and pulled Dan closer, so that the younger man was lying on top of him again, clinging onto his sides, gripping for all he was worth to not slide off.

“And yet, here I am enjoying all these new sensations. If you’d told me you needed to be satisfied sexually, I would have understood,” Phil said.

“How can you always be so rational?” Dan asked, crinkling his brows.

“Because I live with you. And I’ve had to be. Sometimes,” Phil answered.

“So you grew up, so I could be the crazy wild teen? The one who has a ‘hasty personality, but is quick to love or hate’?” Dan marveled.

“Stop quoting that video at me. And yes,” Phil answered, and pecked Dan’s lips before he could ‘unravel’ anymore. They fully kissed again. They felt better kissing, than anything else, and decided to move it to a bedroom. Since they were on the upper part of the maisonette, they somehow made it to Dan’s ‘moon room’.

Phil hoped there weren’t any centipedes in there ready to attack him again. They, somehow, made their way to the bed, and fell onto it as one solid lump. They kissed for another few minutes, and then Dan pulled away again.

“What is it Winnie?” Phil asked.

“What about Bear?” Dan asked.

“That’s your family’s nickname for you. I want my own pet name. Or I could call you Pooh Bear,” Phil was undecided.

“Winnie, I like it. It’s unconventional. It’s nothing I’ve read about in any fanfiction about us,” Dan answered.

“Then you’ll be ‘Winnie’,” Phil answered. Dan merely nodded.

“So what is it this time Winnie? Are you scared?” Phil asked.

“More than anything,” Dan said.

“But that’s not the root of the problem. Is it?” Phil asked.

Dan shook his head in the negative. “If we go further, we’ll have to make an announcement,” Dan worried.

“But this isn’t even a ‘thing’ yet,” Phil reassured him.

“We had anal,” Dan pointed out.

“What of it? Have we made an official commitment?

No. We’ve enjoyed this ‘thing’, whatever this is. And quite frankly I’m liking this non-committal thing we’ve got going on. It’s free. It’s spontaneous. We’re enjoying ourselves. I see no problem with this,” Phil answered, and put his fingers through Dan’s tangled curls.

Dan melted against him again. The duvet covered his back, as well as Phil’s legs torso. Dan felt like a turtle, with just the top of his head visible. He was staring deeply into Phil’s eyes again. Hoping. Wishing. Knowing that this couldn’t last. But it could for today. They could just stay here like this. It was Saturday. They didn’t have to upload videos. It was their ‘weekend off’.

“I want to do more of this, I want to stay like this today. Carefree. No worries. No Phans. No Audience. Us,” Dan decided.

“Then it’s just us. Until we need to use the loo. Or we, ‘absolutely have to’, look at our social media, taking ‘five hour poops’,” Phil dictated.

“I like when you get all bossy ‘Daddy’,” Dan grinned at him.

“Well ‘Child’ get used to it,” Phil said.

“For today,” Dan said.

“Only for today,” Phil said.

“Unless….” Dan started.

“We’ll deal with the ‘unless’ later. We’re just being….” Phil said, and kissed Dan to shut him up.

The two remained how they were. Undressed, and kissing. Not a care in the world. Holding hands. Eyes closed. And they didn’t let the outside world bother them. They were content. They just let the whole world melt away.

The End.

#DanandPhil fanfiction

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tellmesomethinggg · 5 years

Text

journal day 64

“it takes ten times as long to put yourself together as it does to fall apart”

i don’t think i really, truly understood how important the hunger games was to me until i rewatched them. they make so much more sense now, i understand more of the hurt and pain that katniss goes through and always thought that jennifer lawrence’s acting was over-doing it, until i actually went through my own panic/anxiety attacks and now i get it. now it makes more sense. and of course, rewatching, i’m picking up on much more, and honestly, i could write an essay on it, and just analyze the shit out of the series. there’s so much to those stories, i can’t believe i missed so much the first times.

but that quote, from finnick, i finally understand it, and how it actually relates to me. it makes sense. it took winter quarter to break me, and of course, it makes more sense that i still don’t feel entirely myself all the time yet. it takes longer to rehabilitate yourself. and who’s to say i was ever myself, and that i ever truly healed from all the shit that i’ve dealt with. granted, others have it worse, but the stuff i’ve dealt with have all come back to back, one after another, that it’s not a surprise that i’ve suppressed it and am now dealing with the aftermath. i think i need therapy, but i don’t really have the time or energy for that right now. i’ve got other things to worry about.

as for the possible pregnancy, there’s no way i can be pregnant. but at the same time, it doesn’t make sense. yes, yesterday’s test was negative, but i’m still taking one tomorrow and i actually haven’t told anyone that the first was negative. of course the second will be negative, right? the thing that doesn’t make sense though, is just that i don’t feel the same: i’ve been nauseous last week, constantly have to pee, cramps earlier today, and a few other symptoms, that could be either pms or pregnancy. it doesn’t make sense to me why my cycle is so fucked up in the first place, or why it was negative when i’m so late. if we’re being totally honest, i think a small part of me wanted it to be positive so it would all make sense. obviously i haven’t had my period, have been nauseous, have been unreasonably exhausted all because i’m pregnant, right? but that’s not how this works. there was a negative. but anxiety reminds me that it’s possible i took the test too early and that maybe my levels weren’t high enough, right? yeah right. i’m not pregnant and there’s no way that i could be, i just let my anxiety take over. i prepared myself in every way for a positive. i prepared myself for the conversation with my parents, i thought about the bazillion ways that i could keep the kid, i thought about how i could actually do it. i essentially treated it as if it was positive. and i think, for a bit, since i prepared myself so much, i started to want it a little bit. it would give me something, someone else to fight for, another reason for me to fight for my dreams so that i could eventually provide properly for my kid. so i had another reason to fight. which is why yesterday was so shitty, i think. i don’t have that. right now at least. i’ve been fighting for this dream of mine for so long, since high school, that i’m tired. i still want it, in fact, i think i want it more, but i just got so beaten down by spring quarter that it feels so out of reach now. like of course, i want to fight this fall and work my ass off and do what i can to fix things, but in the meantime? i’m doing nothing this summer and i have nothing to fight for. it made me feel horrible, realizing this, that i have nothing to fight for right now. and when school starts up again, i have so much hanging over my head that if i fuck up, i might just have to look into something else besides medicine, which breaks my heart, but the reality is that i just might not make it. and sure, maybe that’s the anxiety talking, but let’s be honest. for med school, my gpa is currently shit. i’d have to pull off a miracle just to bring it back up to decent in the next year, and i don’t know if i’m capable of pulling that off. and i know, everyone says that i can, but i’ve never done something like this before and it’s daunting and scary, and i just don’t know if i can do it. i’ll fight like hell, but if i can’t pull it off, then i might just have to look into other things. i’m sure i could find something i also enjoy, but would i ever be able to forgive myself for what i did to myself spring quarter? i don’t think so, i really don’t.

then there’s the whole thing with matt. the fact that, as much as i hate it and denied it, i think he’s actually gonna cut me off. and i know, that technically i can deal with this, i’ve done it before numerous times, but for a second, i thought that being friends with him would last longer than it did, at least through second year. granted, things could change once the test is officially negative tomorrow, but it’s never really gonna be the same any more. he essentially revealed his true colors on that phone call. to a certain extent, he does hate me. or at least that’s what it feels like - no, wait, he said that if he did hate me, he’d cut me off, and that’s essentially what he’s done since that phone call. it’s a shitty situation, but i’m learning to deal with it. it’s also frustrating because i was stupid enough to trust him with pretty much everything, and now, that’s it. and we’re done. and parts of me wants to excuse it, he’s just at home and things are shit for him, but i can’t just let him get away with all this shit, with all the shit he gives me. i don’t know why i let him get away with it for so long. sometimes i just make dumb decisions.

“it’s like kissing someone who’s drunk. it doesn’t count”

there’s so much in those hunger games quotes, that they went underappreciated by me for so long, and now, they make sense. it all makes sense now.

i’ve grown a lot, exponentially since college started.

jon said something in the car, about me handling the pregnancy scare/ matt situation well. and it’s true, partly. on the outside, i limit how many times i freak out in public, and just keep the rest in my head. it was easy since i have the house to myself and have been working all week so i just have time to myself, time where i can freak out and not have anyone talk me down, which is bad, but also good, because then i’m better at controlling my reactions in front of others.

you know, one of the things that i remember from mockingjay, is towards the end, when katniss chooses peeta, and she thinks about the reasoning behind it, how gale was the fire like her, and how she didn’t need anymore fire in her life because she had enough herself, and how peeta provided the calm. and it makes sense. in a way, matt is like gale, too stubborn around me, too fiery for anything to work out (granted, i have been much aware that he and i could not work out ever unless he had a full 180 and i have been aware of this fact for a while, but sometimes i just become more aware of this, you know?) and i need a peeta in my life, someone who compliments me, who i can trust, and who can appreciate me and vice versa. but that probably won’t happen for forever soooo i’m just stuck waiting again. in the meantime though, we focus on myself. we learn to handle my anxiety, we learn to study and manage my time and money better, we balance different relationships, we improve. progress is progress.

i’ve written so much today, and something in me feels like i’m still somehow forgetting something to write about. i don’t remember. but it’s okay. i got a lot down today and it’s been helpful to get these thoughts down in my journal finally.

time to watch jane the virgin. maybe cry. eventually i’ll cry, i’ve been needing to for a while now.

until next time.

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boxofpurplememories · 6 years

Text

October 31, 2018

Today has sucked. Not only did i wake up to another fight with mason, but we’ve been fighting all week. no, more than that. we’ve been fighting for over two weeks straight. it all started in Chicago. my major is architecture. and every year we have a travel week. this year, it being my first year, we went to Chicago. i got to know the other people in my studio a lot better.

once we found out the city we were traveling to, everyone of course got excited. a lot of the people in my studio had plans to get drunk. weather it was going out, or staying in. at some point or another, we were all getting wasted. at first, i didn't know how to feel. I've never drank before. i wanted to, but i was also scared. when it came down to it, i would decide when i saw what the exact plans were.

during the day, it was fun. we did all the touristy stuff. we got to go to a lot of fun different places. I've been to most of them before, but the others i haven't. so it was fun to explore some new stuff. however, on the first night they made a game plan. throughout the day, some of the girls were wanting to go out, as well as some of the guys. not everyone had a fake, and not everyone would want to go out in a big unfamiliar city, so we all decided to stay in. the ones who did have fakes, would go a get alcohol (everyone else would pitch in cash), and we all would stay in and drink.

i was so caught up in the moment. i was so excited. nothing else mattered. i was finally going to have my first drunk experience. i would finally understand what the big hype is. i would finally fit in. my head was too high in the clouds. i wasn't thinking about after. i wasn't thinking about what other people, my friends at home, mason, would say. i was too focused on the now.

When the people who left to get the stuff came back, we had decided on my hotel room (shared with seven other girls) was the place to do this. we all got comfortable and began. i was first poured an entire solo cup of white wine. at first taste i didn't like it, although i continued to drink half of it. after i got to that point, i wanted to switch it up. i began to drink red wine, thinking it would taste something like church wine. it didn't taste anything of the sorts. it tasted horrible. after trying to tough it out, i couldn't do it. i poured it out and switched to pure vodka. that at all wasn't better, but i could handle what i poured, which wasn't much. the people who went out also got a vodka-lime mix. that out of all (except the white wine) tasted better, but it still had a kick, considering it was mostly vodka. there was also sprite for mixers. so i mixed the lime vodka with sprite. it tasted amazing. that was my go to drink for the rest of the night. i probably had 4 or more cups.

as we drank, we played cards against humanity. it was okay, but because there were so many of us, it wasn't that fun. so we just spent the rest of the night talking. at first we probably began with 11 people. as the night went on, more people joined us. at some point there was probably more than 20 of us in this tiny room. it was really fun. i really enjoyed actually spending time with the other students in my studio, doing what they would call, a usual party. i really did enjoy it.

while the whole night was going on, i was texting mason. he did not like at all that i was drinking. in a big city. with people he doesn't know. with us being so far apart. i didn't realize how mad he was until the night went on. he got so upset that he just texted me “enjoy your time in Chicago with your friends” and that was it. when i realized how badly i fucked up, i only wanted to drink more. downing more and more cups of the vodka sprite mix. i wasn't getting drunk for the fun anymore, i was getting drunk to forget. to not hurt.

in the morning i woke with a hangover. i honestly think i was still a bit tipsy from the previous night. i dealt with my hangover and went on with my day. we did the same type of touristy stuff during the day. i went out to dinner with a couple of friends, different than the previous night. we got back to the hotel late. I kinda wanted to go to sleep. both that day and the day before were busy, and i was already running on lack of sleep. when i walked into my room, the same thing was happening the night before, except with way less people, and most of them were from my studio.

so what else to do than sit down with them? this time i did not plan on getting drunk. i just wanted to chill and drink with them. well they went out to a bar, and i stayed back and hung out with a mix of other people. i helped finish off what remained of last nights drinks. i got a little buzzed. after everyone else returned from the bar, i hung out with them. i drank a little more. i think i got a little drunk, but nothing too bad. i was just extremely dizzy and lost my balance a few times. i was still able to walk.

the thing i will always remember, was this person being so proud of me. they were beaming. they pronounced several times throughout the night that i was cool. you have no idea how nice that was to hear, after 18 years of being pushed aside, walked on. after 18 years of being an outcast, excluded, disliked. someone who actually has a say, telling not only me, but other people that matter in the social world, that i am cool. although they said that i was cool, all i heard was that i mattered. i was finally accepted after 18 years.

the aftermath of what came next was worse. i had to deal with my boyfriend’s and friends’ reactions. i thought my friends would’ve been more accepting. once again i was just brushed over. a person i care about very much, and i am very close with, told me that they were disappointed in me. that was really unexpected. it cut deep.

of course what i didnt see was the storm brewing. i did not see days and days of endless fighting, endless crying, endless regret. just about every night since then i have cried at some point. mason and i fought like it was world war three. i have never been filled with so much self hatred. today marks the tenth day of fighting. every time we “work it out”, we agree that we both are okay. that there’s nothing else. but the next thing i know were at each others necks again. it absolutely does not help that masons depression gets worse in the winter. and right now its begun to get worse. i try to help him, but regardless of what he says, i feel like i am making it worse. with everything happening, neither of us are strong. i am trying my best to fix him, but i am struggling to fix myself.

i really feel like an inconvenience. i really feel like i am a waste of space. a waste of oxygen. let someone else who matters breath this air, not me. this is not a suicide note. i have no intention of killing myself. i am just very lost right now. i dont know what to do.

mason doesn't want me out at parties. its okay if i drink, as long as i stay inside. he doesn't want me drinking with people he doesn't know, but i think he can handle it.

tonight my roommates and a couple of our friends were all getting ready in our room. it hurt to watch them get ready and have fun, and not be a part of that. i had originally planned to, but because of everything that happened, i was told i would lose the trust of my boyfriend, and many more things. it really fucking hurt. i couldn't do anything about it. just sitting there, trapped in my thoughts. trapped of how i can no longer fit in. i can no longer be accepted. i feel like nothing. i am nothing.

tonight really hurt. i really hurt.

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