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rosepetalmark · 5 years

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Not in the Stars

2.5k words

Renjun x Reader

warnings: alcohol mention

in which you plan to confess your love for your best friend to him at a party, but the universe has other plans in store for the both of you.

You like Renjun. A lot.

That was one sentence in your five years of friendship with Huang Renjun that you never thought you’d say to yourself, let alone admit to.

You don’t know where these feelings came from, but all you know is that they’re strong and on your mind twenty four seven. Everything he says and does captivates your mind, causing your feelings for him to grow even stronger.

It’s as if these feelings for him suddenly hit you like a brick one day. You were strictly best friends last week, and now you have these unexplainable deep feelings for him, eating you alive and begging for you to confess to him.

It’s not that you’re opposed to dating Renjun, it’s just that he’s been your best friend for several years and he means so incredibly much to you. You just don’t want to risk losing him or making things between you two weird if he doesn’t feel the same.

So you suppress your feelings. As long as you have Renjun as your best friend, that’s all that matters, right?

Jaemin always makes you second guess yourself, explaining that the dynamic duo that you and Renjun are would be ten times more incredible if you were dating. Since you’re already best friends and know everything about each other, why not date? Only bigger and better things can come from it he always says.

Although Jaemin makes strong points, you’re still scared Renjun will turn you away, mainly because you’re ninety nine percent certain that he only views you as a friend, nothing more and nothing less.

Yeah you have sleepovers and spend hours late at night talking on the phone with one another, but that’s what best friends do. If Huang Renjun has any feelings for you, you’re sure someone would have said something by now.

You get the typical stares from old people when you make your daily trek to school in the morning, him waiting outside your house for you at exactly seven forty two, smiling so bright the second you walk out your front door.

You constantly get mistaken as his girlfriend whenever you go out together on the weekend, which always causes a deep pink blush to appear on Renjun’s cheeks. He’s always quick to brush it off though, making it clear to everyone around you that you’re strictly best friends, and that neither of you view each other in that way.

Boy is he wrong.

Everything about Renjun makes your heart flutter, and that’s something that scares you.

For starters, he excels so well in school. For someone who spends eighty percent of his time doodling instead of taking notes, he aces every test and can recite every piece of information that’s been discussed in class with no problem.

He’s caring and funny, and so unapologetically himself. He takes you to art museums on your spare time, talks about the latest conspiracy that’s on his mind, and always insists you go for milkshakes every Sunday night.

And boy was he cute. The way he tilts his head all the way back and crinkles his eyes when he laughs makes your heart absolutely melt.

Huang Renjun makes you happy and positive and there’s nothing more in this world that you want than to hold his hand and kiss him in public, as well as call him your boyfriend so bad.

It wasn’t until you were out late with him, hanging out on the roof at Jeno’s house, trying to escape the loudness that was coming from inside. Jeno was throwing a kickback to celebrate the beginning of summer, something he does ever year, in which there’s always too many people inside, and you and Renjun find yourself on the roof trying to seek solace in the stars.

Renjun looked so ethereal in the moonlight. There was nothing more that you wanted to do than press your lips ever so gently against his, and hold his hand while staring up at the stars displayed so brightly above you both in the dark sky.

“What are you thinking about bubs?” Renjun asked, referring to the nickname he gave you when he found out that’s the name you gave your favourite stuffed rabbit when you were a child.

God the way his voice sounded in this moment made you weak. The tipsiness you both experienced earlier was wearing off, causing your lack of hydration to become present through your raspy voices.

But you don’t care. You’re with Renjun, and you are warm and comfortable and in love.

In love.

You’re in love with Huang Renjun and you can’t keep it in any longer.

Maybe this would be the best time to tell him. Every time you’re completely sober, you push the idea to the side, trying your best to forget your feelings for him even exist. What if Jun doesn’t feel the same? What if he does but months down the line you figure out you’re better off as friends, and then when you try to get back into your non-romantic routine, everything feels off? You always worry that things will go wrong and Renjun will eventually stop being your friend.

Not tonight though. Renjun looks gorgeous in the moonlight and the little bit of alcohol that remains in your system is acting as your source of encouragement, convincing you to confess to him right now and hope for the best outcome possible.

“Love,” you reply nonchalantly.

“Love?” he questions, staring back to you, seemingly surprised with your response.

“Yeah. Just wondering what the universe has in store for me, you know?” you ask, turning your body to face his direction, criss crossing your legs over one another. “The idea of love both intrigues me and freaks me out. It’s exciting anticipating what will come from it, but the fear of something going wrong down the line makes me not want to pursue it, you know?” you say, staring innocently into his eyes.

He cocks his head, an intrigued look falling on his face. He purses his lips, looking as if he’s going to say something, but remains silent.

You both remain in silence for the next several minutes, which causes your thoughts to wander. What if Renjun has caught on? Maybe he’s thinking of ways to turn you down gently. Or he’s trying to express that he somehow knows you’re talking about him, and he’s trying to do so in a similar manner.

But the silence is killing you, and you want nothing more than for Renjun to say something. Anything to get your thoughts to shut up, and your heart race to stop rapidly beating.

“I think you shouldn’t be scared of love,” he finally says.

Taking a deep breath, he looks off into the sky, admiring the many stars laying millions of miles away from you both. “I get that you never know what may come out of it, but I think it’s worth a shot to know you tried, and to experience something you’re not fully sure is going to work,” he speaks softly.

“Take a look at the universe for example. It’s so big and undiscovered, yet millions of people are fascinated by it. We’re obsessed with the stars and galaxies and the possibility of aliens- which I know for a fact exist by the way, yet we’re not afraid to spend our time discovering them and giving them our attention. I think of love in a similar manner. Yeah the thought seems so broad and scary, as there’s so many things to experience and discover, but I think it’s worth it. You’re only going to learn new things about yourself and life, so why not give it a shot?”

He clears his throat, and pays his attention back to you. He has a look of determination in his eyes, and that only makes you grow even more anxious.

“Aren’t you a wise expert on love, Mr. Huang,” you chuckle.

“Well what can I say? I do a lot of thinking on my spare time when I’m not bickering with you,” he laughs, positioning himself on his arms so he can get a better view of the night sky.

“Hey!” you shout, pushing onto his arm, causing him to lose his newly comfortable position and to fall on his back. “What are you thinking about Ren? You have this sour look on your face.”

“Well your idea of love got me thinking,” he says softly, staring into your eyes.

Nervousness takes over your body. You have no idea what he’s going to say, and every second of silence is eating you up.

“And?” you say abruptly, eager to know what he’s about to say.

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, and I don’t know, I never thought much of it because I’m a wimp, but I think I’m going to ask Yeri out” he confesses, a small smile forming on his face.

The mention of Yeri makes your heart sink. Yeri. He wants to ask out Yeri. Not you.

Of course he likes Yeri. What isn’t there to like about her? She’s really pretty and polite, and they’re both the editors of the school newspaper, so they spend a great amount of time with each other.

God this hurt.

“Oh really,” you respond, with a less enthusiastic tone replacing your prior happy one.

“Yeah. We’ve been getting to know each other a lot more ever since we got asked to do this editorial on the basketball team, and I think I may have feelings for her”

“Well, um I think you should go for it Renjun, “ you reply, looking off into the stars to help keep what’s happening off your mind. If you look into his eyes, you’re certain you’ll start crying.

If it’s not you, you’re glad he has an interest in a girl with a golden heart and personality.

“You think? What if she doesn’t like me?” he asks nervously, fiddling with the rings on his fingers.

“Like you said Ren, you never know what will come from love. Why not give it a shot if it’ll lead to potentially greater things not only within yourselves, but life in general? And if she ends up only seeing you as a friend, it’s okay. You’ll find someone one day who loves every part of you.”

And you can’t help but know deep down that that person is you. If Yeri rejects him, you’ll be right here to help him pick up the pieces, if not, you’ll still be here. As his best friend. Renjun deserves all the love and happiness the universe has to offer him, and despite being sad he shows no romantic interest in you, you’re glad he finds it in an amazing girl.

“Alright cool, I guess I’ll ask her out on Monday when we meet up to discuss the paper then.” he says, smiling to himself.

He looks so happy. Ecstatic even. You haven’t seen him smile this big since he won first place in your school’s art show.

“She’s here you know, at the party,” you say to him. “You should do it now.”

“You think?” he asks, eyes wide.

Renjun was never one to act on impulse. He’s a man with a plan, and always has to do things by the book or else he’ll lose his hair. He likes structure and time, a complete flip from your bold and impulsive self.

“Yeah, why not? You’re both here, you look really cute right now, and the stars are out in your favour, shining bright to provide you with the courage to do so.”

This makes Renjun smile. You’ve always been a help in boosting his confidence, and you’re glad to be of assistance in such a nerve-wracking yet exciting period in his life.

Standing up, he dusts the possible dirt off his legs. He crouches over, looking into your eyes and grabs your hand. “You’re the best y/n. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“As I with you,” you reply, a soft grin forming from your lips. “Now go downstairs and ask her out before she leaves.”

Standing back up, he begins walking to the door. “I’ll let you know how it goes!” he half shouts, pressing his hand to the door handle, and making his way back into the house.

You’re now left alone, on the rooftop, with just the stars and your thoughts.

Why didn’t you bring up your feelings to him sooner, you thought. Now you’re only left sad and alone, because you were too scared to tell your best friend you’re in love with him. Confessing to him seemed so perfect in your mind a couple minutes ago, but sadly the universe has other plans in store for you.

You decide to get comfortable and lie down, and begin to look at the constellations that are possibly present within the night sky. You can still hear the loud, most likely drunk people just a floor below you, and the vibration of the music hitting your body despite being away from the noise. But you don’t care. It’s just you and the sky, and you’re doing everything in your power to forget about the party below you, and to focus on the stars.

As you point out the orion in the sky, you feel a buzz in your back pocket, indicating that you’ve got a text. Reaching for it, you unlock your phone, and see a notification stating that Renjun messaged you. Pressing on the messages app, you click on his name and read the following:

jun bug: she said yes!! we’re going out on tueday after we’re done editing :) (2:17 AM)

“Yes.” Yeri said yes.

You’re happy for your best friend, but for yourself, you’re heartbroken. The possibility of dating him is now slim to none, especially since a potential girlfriend is in the mix, only making you more sad for yourself.

You make sure to reply quick, and in a way that’ll make him happy, and hopefully provide you with the positivity that everything will be okay.

y/n: i’m so happy for you ren <3 (2:18 AM)

As you press send, you feel the tears start to slide down your cheeks. You’re happy for him, you really are, but you can’t help but wish that things went differently, and that you were in Yeri’s position.

But as Renjun said before, love can be scary. It’s a learning experience, and if it doesn’t work out, you just need to take what you can from it, and hope for the best in the future.

So you’ll take his words, and you’ll try your best to move on.

It’ll be tough, but you hope to god that one day he’ll just be your best friend, and that this heartbreak won’t last with you forever.

#i wrote the majority of this in one shot and i'm pretty proud #this piece is one of my favs b/c it's really relatable and I just love how i depicted Renjun in this #hope you all enjoy #huang renjun #renjun scenarios #nct scenarios #nct dream scenario #nct angst #huang renjun scenario #nct fluff

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doctormage · 5 years

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hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!!

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

#p #this is literally like an essay #on why im a piece of shit lmao #ignore me!!!!!!

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tumblunni · 5 years

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Man today was A Chore. I got some good stuff done in the end but the middle of it felt awful and im just relieved it ended on a better note i guess? I had to spend like three hours sitting waiting for a package listening to some horrid old ladies talk about how child abuse is great and all the flaws of modern life stem from the fact we dont smack kids anymore. And like..fuckin.. "Ha ha remember how we used to fail all our classes and lie and hide our grades because we were scared of our parents and do anything to try and make the beatings hurt less BUT NOW IM AN ADULT I KNOW MY PARENTS WERE TOTALLY RIGHT YES" And friggin discussing all these beatings and LAUGHIng?? Laughing about being beaten and about going on to beat their own kids like ha ha this is so fuckin normal and just the logical conclusion of everything?? Like these were GOOD MEMORIES?? Fuck man i was like that gif of the dude with the giant vein in his head it was SO HARD to just sit there and try not to hear what they were saying. I actually ended up buying like 20 scratchcards just cos i was running on autopilot and trying anything to distract myself. (Only wasted 10 pound tho cos i won a few quid along the way and lost it again lol)

And gahhhhh after all that waiting i just get told my package didnt arrive today and i just have to come back tomorrow! So i went home super depressed and had to try and talk myself out of it and yeah. AND THEN i get a phonecall from the post office literally right then, saying 'yo whoops the parcel arrived a lil late, come get it before we close'. It was kinda funny, like me conquering myanxiety self hateness actually summoned a good luck better resolution to the story?? And i rushed down there and managed to get the parcel and all the post office people were REALLY NICE,like they'd gone kinda mom friend on me from seeing me come in and out asking for this parcel for the whole entire day. I dont know either of their names but thank you nice red hair lady in charge of the parcels and scratchcard corner grandma who chatted with me! If i see them again another day i have to go into the post office, i'll be sure to say thanks!

So yeah anyway i FINALLY have everything sorted now to do my Lets Play of the new pokemon game! I probably wont be able to start it til saturday evening or sunday morning though? Cos tomorrow i have the Big Stress of meeting again with my estranged sister and hoping i can maybe repair our bond. I dunno how long we're gonna hang out or even what we're gonna do or if its gonna go well, aaaa!! And then on saturday i need to wake up super early and catch a million buses to get to a cool art class place. Maan its been a busy week lol!

Oh!! And the stuff of actual success today!! Cos yeah some stuff did go well before the big post office trashness, and i need to focus on that instead of the awkward middle. Big good thing the number 1! I met with my support worker and had a really nice meeting in the new cafe in the local library. She was just super nice and gave me a great motivational talk about how i was handling this whole sister thing really well and she was proud of me. She said she got my voicemail i left for her during the whole thing and she was really sorry she was late replying to it and she was really worried how it all went. I totally forgot i even sent her that voicemail during all the mess! So i just got caught up in the panic and forgot to call her back, aaa!! Im glad she knows im okay now! And we had a nice hot chocolate and she said she's also proud of the progress i've made in going out and being social more often, pointing out how when she first met me i was too nervous to go to this cafe and now we're havong a nice day here. And i was like "but thats not a very big accomplishment" and she was like "ITS BIG ENOUGH, BUNNI!!!" Dammnit what did i do to deserve these kind people? *sniff*

Oh, and then she also helped me learn how to post an international package and IT IS FINALLY DONE!! Summon-daze, keep an eye out for parcel number 1, containing 25% of all the books i have for you!! They said it should reach you between 5 to 14 days. Sorry its so long, it seems the christmas rush starts a whole damn month early! *sigh* And i feel proud of myself for pulling it off, it was so stressy and embarassing aaaa. Just the soul pain of asking so many questions of the post office lady and holding up the line and having to go back and forth and be like 'is the parcel ok now? No?' *awkwardly crabwalks back again* But now i know! And i can definateky handle it all better next time! And aaaaa i just really hope it all goes well and i hope she likes the books and i hope i can afford to send the rest soon!

And then also i was brave enough to go to the other cafe too! I had to kill a lot of time so i had a second hot chocolate at the other place lol. That one is more busy and standard restauranty instead of a small library place, so its a little more imposing. And i actually had a small sandwich too! Somehow eating things in public is one degree more scary than drinking a drink? Dont ask me to explain my anxiety lol, even i dont know! XD it was weird eating a sandwich with a knife and fork tho?? Like the lady just gave me a knife and fork and i felt too polite to say 'umm actually i ordered a sandwich so here have them back'. It was a toasted cheese so the bread was all warm and chewy and really hard to cut! Really really nice though, it helped heal my soul from all the stress. Oh and i tried an american root beer for the first time! Its so cool and weird! Like a slightly bitter/salty sweetness combo? And how it foams up like beer even though its a soda??? Thats so WEIRD AND NEATO!!! Oh and umm maybe i should give myself some points for making conversation with the post office people too? I was so awkward and anxietyish so i feel proud that i managed to articulate myself well enough to actually ask for my parcel, and then they were just so nice and tried to chat with me and i...vaguely managed to chat back, lol.

Oh oh oh! And also i bought a shoes! I shall officially dub them The Murder Shoes~! It was a really good deal in a clearance thing at the supermarket, for shoes that actually looked pretty awesome! These big neat boots covered in WAY TOO MANY metal studs and belts and awesomeness! Theyre like goth cowboy aesthetic?? I love them, i dont have too many professional shoes and these are that but also funky cool!

So yeah several good things happened but the bad bit in the middle was just so long and frustrating that it left me in a big downer mood where it was easy to forget the good stuff. Writing it out like this kinda helps! And also to remember i have stuff to look forward to for the rest of the week! And, well, more challenges to face, but i feel more optimistic now!

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heyitslapis · 6 years

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Ok let's see... its been about 3 weeks since i posted last, give or take a few days. And I'll just say its been an interesting and exhausting few weeks.

Still trying to completely get over my dumbf*ck feelings for Alex. I'm not really doing a super great job at that, and still get random depressive moments that last a varying amount of time, but usually i just push my pity party to the side after about 2 minutes.

On the 3rd of June, Alex went up to see part of her family and join them on a cruise to Columbia. She said wont be back until maybe the 3rd or 4th of July at the earliest. I kinda miss her, but I feel like spending a month physically apart from her will do me some good. Her and i still snap back and fourth to save our streak and to day good morning. Whenever she cant find wifi, she turns on her dad's personal hotspot so she can send me at least one snap to keep our streak rolling (we are the longest streak we have with anyone on our snapchats, and it stands currently at 261 days.) The day after she left the streak sorta died for the day, but she was able to save it cause she was in a different time zone.

Since she's been gone, we've hired several new people at work, many if which being new hosts (thank God tbh, cause this means after theyre all done training and get a couple weeks to get used to everything i can train as a server and hopefully make a little more money). One of them is Giovanni's sister (Gio is a guy that works there. Mostly does dish, sometimes hosts.) And apparently she likes me? About a week before she started they came in to eat with their mom and after they left Gio was like "Dude, i think my sister likes you."

Hey, some random girl actually has a crush on me for the first time in my life? That's cool! Right? It would be, if she weren't 17. If i were still 18 or 19, i wouldnt really care. But now that im 20, even though we only have a 2 year and almost 6 month age difference, i still feel like its weird. I feel like im in a whole new age threshold now that ive hit that 2 decade mark, and she just seems to me like a kid. Anyway, Sammy (thats her) is bi with a preference for girls. She's very forward about asking the girls at work about their sexuality (she'll be mid convo and just be like "wait; you straight?") She makes a hobby of flirting with the straight girls, because as she says it, she can easily flirt with straight girls bc she knows she wont have a chance. As soon as she knows theyre bi or gay, she cant even really talk to them. Sammy flirts with me in excess, has asked me 3 times if im straight, or if im sure that i am (homegirl has only been here like two weeks), and the reason why is because she would happily let me break her heart, and has said thats its too bad im not gay bc if i was she would let me crush her. Also has told me that i remind her of her ex girlfriend, and when i said idk if thats supposed to be a compliment or not, she said "well i really liked her, so..." Oh and btw all 3 times shes asked, I've told her im straight (yknow, bc im not out to the irl general public) and I'll just say that having to lie outloud about my sexuality does not feel that great. Thats not something ive ever had to verbally do before, and now i understand. Tbh i dont really lie, or at least i very rarely do, bc i dont like it, and i want to be seen as trustworthy. i have told my share of lies in my day, but i feel like that was in the top 3 worst lies ive ever told. Simply because i know thats not who i am, yet im saying it anyway.

Besides that, in these last couple weeks ive:

Gotten my computer hacked and almost got scamed out of the piddly $120 dollars total that is in my bank account for me to try to live off of until next Fridays paycheck, and almost got my brother's bank account hacked (looong f*ckin story. Short version, im a gotdang fool, and people are absolute bastards), so now i cant use my computer until i get it looked at, which means no art (sucks bc i wanted to draw myself a bi pride icon)

Put in 103 hours at work in the last 2 weeks

Had our only available car break down twice

Got about half of our kitchen painted. Still need to find time to finish it

Purchased tickets for a convention, and bought almost everything i need to finish my cosplay.

Have a sore in the back of my mouth thats been plaguing me for over a week (finally starting to heal. Its been hurting to do so much as talk, much less eat or drink)

Had to deal with everyone's attitudes at work (some sh*ts going on with the moon and everyones been a pissy ass lately, and im so over it)

The pain in the ass girl at work that we've been trying to get rid of for over a year called in and quit 15 minutes before her literal last shift (Father's day) and our proprietary manager told her "its bullshit that you just found out that your other job scheduled you to work today 15 minutes before you had to come here" and "dont try to come back to this store again". Im ecstatic about it tbqh and feel a small sense of victory about the whole thing.

One of my favorite gays from work had his last shift Saturday night and im still sad about it.

It may not seem like much but its just all around every other day something else small happened to add to the weird and crazy smorgasbord that is my life.

Also bless Sammy bc yesterday was Father's Day, and because of that, i was in the building of my work at 9:45am, started working to get set up at 10, opened around 10:50, and didnt stop until about 8:50pm, 10 minutes before we closed. Our proprietary manager bought us tons of pizza and snacks in the middle of our shift so that we could all take turns having a 10 minute breather, but other than that it was non-stop work and dedication to the customer. At 9:50am my brother went to the Duncan Donuts down the road from us to get the handful of morning people either coffee or bagels or whatever they asked for. I told my brother to get me the english muffin with egg and cheese, and if they had the option, to add sausage to it. Also to tell Sammy i said hi (because she works at that Duncan also, and was there yesterday morning). My brother comes back with breakfast, hands me my food and said that Sammy made it especially for me. (At that time i was also in a bad mood bc i was tired from working four open doubles in a row, and was stressed, so that really lifted my spirits a bit. The food, and the thought that someone made it especially for me.) And i'll just say she just earned my love for the next week at least.

Anyway i think thats all for now loves. I dont have a very eventful life, but i sure do have a busy one.

#my life #avatarkorvira speaks #poor sammy thinks im quote ''really cute'' and ''f*cking adorable'' and im kinda glad she thinks im straight #like her second night training with me she asked how old i was and when i said 20 she said ''damn''#then later when i asked her age (even though i alreadu knew she was 17) she refused to tell me specifically #like shed tell anyone else (including my sister) but not me #and you see at work with certain people ill be like playfully flirty with them just as one of the many ways i show friendliness #like i do it to alex and heather and marissa and molly and several others. but theyre all adults #i know for a fact sammy is a minor. so i told her im not gonna make crude or flirty jokes with her and she doesnt like that #also i just realized that i only joke flirt with girls at work #mostly thats just because im more comfortable with the gals. that and every guy there is either annoying or nasty #and i wouldnt be able to interact with them that way without them making it really gross or thinking im actually hitting on them #and if i ever truely hitting on any of the guys at work someone smack me in the back of the head bc ew #alex #sammy

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create-ninety · 5 years

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Wednesday 20th February, ’19. 10am.

There’s nothing quite like going to a gig at a small venue in a trendy part of town to make you feel like a geriatric.

While I was getting ready for the event, I was wondering if I was going too casual – I was wearing a plain t-shirt with black jeans and an oversized floral blazer. Turns out I should have gone in what I normally wear as pyjamas! There were kids (I say kids, because while there were definitely a few ‘older’ people in the crowd, the majority looked like they were born this side of the century) wearing what I can only describe as their dorky mum’s clothes from the seventies. It was bizarre. Lucie and I stood to the side in a somewhat demure fashion by comparison, me sipping on non-alcoholic beer, and Lucie overheating from a temperature brought on by a nasty cold.

We both agreed that, if we were born when they were, it’s this kind of crowd we probably would have found ourselves in. Perhaps it’s because they were wearing exactly what we were wearing, once upon a time. I can imagine this isn’t a unique experience for people who find themselves looking over their shoulder at the next generation and wonder what the hell is going on.

The show itself was great – the band were amazing. I’ve seen them three times now and each time they’ve got better. The audience loved the performance and it was actually quite inspiring to see people passionate about their art in action. And it was obviously the kind of crowd that didn’t bat an eyelid that I was draped over completely over Lucie, which is always a plus.

When we got home, we lay awake talking about it the performers. I wondered what the process is that gets a person to the point where they feel confident enough to get on stage and perform in front of others. Essentially saying, “I am confident enough that my work is good enough to not only subject you to, but I am compelling enough to perform it in front of others.”

That’s a pretty brave thing, for anyone to do. To be inviting open criticism and to stand up and project vulnerability. I do, genuinely, marvel at musicians and stage actors who have to suspend what can only be described as ‘normal reality’ to sing, move about, and create a large amount of sound – something that in any other situation would be wildly inappropriate and strange. And yet there we all were, gathered around a stage, making noise for individuals who were inhabiting that space of vulnerability. I’ve decided that, for me, it’s actually less about hearing the music of the artists when I see the live show, and more about watching and observing the emotions that they’re going through, as they do it. And you can see it on their faces. The nerves, the little shakes, the awkward chatter between songs when the polished performance of practiced routine is paused.

Lucie pointed out to me that writing a novel isn’t so different to that.

In some ways, perhaps not, but by and large I think there are some key differences.

I think that if you’re a creative person by nature, then creativity has the opportunity to express itself in several key ways: as an actor, a musician, a visual artist, or a writer. Each of those could be called spheres with smaller subsets breaking off (stage actors vs film actors, painters vs photographers, poets vs fiction writers, and so on). I suppose it just depends what vehicle you ultimately are drawn to and prefer as your mode of expression. Because ultimately, the point of anything creative is fundamentally the same: it’s just that, expression. You are expressing something emotive, experiential, a message, something others might relate to. And each of those spheres give you the option to do it, but with completely different methods of execution.

When I was growing up I played with all of the different spheres and I can see them all, now, as different sizes and at varying distances from me. At certain points in my life I’ve actually valued them and explored them in different orders. Some have increased in resolution and texture while others have stayed smaller and smoother.

The smallest of my creative spheres, the one most under-developed and child-like, is visual art. I’m not bad at basic sketching or copying something. And I can stare at a piece of art and try and pull out its meaning. But when I was young, the pleasure I’d get from mixing paint or translating an emotion onto a canvas or something else just wasn’t very high for me. So I didn’t spend time doing it. There were moments where I’d develop a surge in interest (this still happens) – I’d go and buy watercolours and start painting for fun, or I’d be obsessed with sketching raccoons or something. But it’s always fleeting, and ultimately, not really something that I have been able to use as the best means of my expression.

I found a lot of joy in stage acting and performing when I was young, right up to my teenage years. I would include public speaking in this. I found it exciting. I liked playing characters with interesting stories, and I liked to turn different emotions on and off to create scenes with others. I liked finding mirrors of myself in characters, and ‘becoming them’, for a short time, was a small reprieve from myself. But sometimes it was hard to occupy the emotions of a character when my own were trying to take centre stage, so to speak. In my last year of high school when I was arguably involved in the most theatre I’d ever done – I was the lead role in my drama class’ final show, I was in a speech finals competition, I was sitting a speech and drama exam that had multiple theatrical components, I was in our school production, and in an improv team – I was stressed as hell. I realised, ultimately, I didn’t like standing up in front of others to be scrutinised as a version of myself that wasn’t me. I didn’t like that there was a ‘right way’ to act, and a ‘wrong way’. Because, well, there’s a director telling you what to do and how to do it. And so when I left school, I stopped any form of acting. I thought about joining a theatre company but I didn’t. I almost studied Theatre at uni, but I didn’t. It just wasn’t the creative vehicle for expression for me and I dropped it all together. I think, as a result, that acting is now my least valued and explored sphere.

Music, on the other hand, was something I discovered in my late teens. I’d tried piano earlier but didn’t like it, because I was taught classical, which to me was basically mathematics with your fingers. I wasn’t good at translating the written music to something that requires you to be so profoundly dextrous. Years later I would discover tab, and learn the general principles of music accidentally. I realised that chords are the foundation of all music, and that chords translate across all string and wind instruments, including the piano. Once I understood that, and once I was able to master basic dexterity and rhythm, music became the most wonderful tool of expression. I was able to write lyrics, write melodies, and then later on, piece them all together to make a song on my computer. I must have made hundreds. I did struggle to ‘finish’ one, though, and my desire to perform them never became overwhelming enough to take it to the next level. For me, it really was just means to express something. I liked the personal nature of it. I liked the different emotions that could be conveyed through the different sounds and instruments. Sharing the songs with anyone was always a profoundly terrifying experience: the music was an extension of myself, as if I had translated my own identity and ‘suffering’ into sound – and for others to hear it, and to judge it, would be for them to judge me. And so the music sphere for me has grown large, but it has stayed at the same size for some years now. I pick up the guitar when I’m feeling emotional. Or when I want to put music to a poem. And when I see musicians perform, I see love for the vehicle. I often dream about writing an album to compliment a film. I suppose that now, there is actually the option to actually produce music without having to perform at all – you can do it all digitally. But I don’t think that I love it enough to put it out there. There is so much music available. I don’t think that what I create would be contributing to anything other than my own creative expression. And so, it’s for that reason, while it’s fun to dream, I think – unless I suddenly have unlimited free time and money – that it’s something I’ll never take further than just tinkering around when I fancy.

Writing, for me, is the perfect mode of expression. It’s a completely internal process. With music there is this external component, which I think is ultimately what turns me off about it, but with writing, it can be done completely behind a veil. When it is released into the world, it’s consumed by a reader internally. You are not the work. The work is as separate from you as possible (perhaps in many ways like visual art). This is what appeals to me so deeply. That I get to have a personal, raw, emotive and transformative experience writing something and exploring it in a depth that has so many layers of meaning. And when someone reads it, the work becomes a personal experience for them. You are just a a vehicle for the expression. My physical form, my personal likes and dislikes and expressions, are not relevant to the ideas being put out into the world. And I love this. Writing also carries with it the highest possibility for profound connection: books take a long time to be read, and upon each separate reading, new meaning can be found and uncovered. The same can be said for all the spheres, absolutely – I’ve certainly spent hours listening to the same song and attached various meanings to it, and felt connections to musicians I’ve never met – but there is something unique about a narrative with a character who goes on a journey. I would argue that in a book you can still experience all five senses, but in an abstract way.

I don’t like the thought of who I am as a person getting in the way of the message. I want to place the art and the ideas at the centre of the experience. When you involve yourself – in a way that musicians and actors have to do – then you become consumable. And that is a scary concept for me. One could argue that the person performing is actually, themselves, part of the art - I would imagine this to be true - but I think this is what differentiates the spheres.

And, more than anything, writing is as automatic and as essential to me as breathing. Or eating. It’s just something that’s part of my day and necessary for normal functioning. For people who master the other spheres, you can see that they have this feeling about their own medium. I saw it on the faces of the performers last night. They live and breathe music. Their instruments are extensions of their identities that they have to exorcise. When I scroll through the Instagram profiles of visual artists, their dedication to the craft is demonstrated through the picture after picture after picture of their creations.

And, finally, I am now – perhaps like the musicians – confident enough to think that my work is good enough. I also think it’s now good enough for others. So yes, maybe I am more like the musicians than I think.

#personal #createninety #journal #feb2019 #february2019 #thoughts #contemplation #writer #author

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canarhys · 7 years

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Honestly, after his life and death, Leo would absolutely be traumatized.

The dude died and he said it was the worst experience he felt in his life. Like hell he’d get over it easily:

he was so used to heat, but for once in his life, he actually felt like his insides were churning from the inside out

this led him using his fire powers less than he already did

he even begins to be afraid of fire, the one thing he’s immune to

also he gets easily scared by loud noises

he nearly becomes deaf because of the experience, and when his friends talk to him they had to repeat what they said several times

but after his hearing heals, he still remembers the loud bomb of the explosion and was forever scarred

he cant even handle balloons popping without screaming

everyone makes sure not to scare him with loud sounds

he just works on quiet projects since he cant handle loud noises anymore

he also has a great fear of explosions

whenever it’s chariot racing time he sits alone with festus in bunker nine because he cant handle the bombs and crashes

one time there was an explosion in the forges and he had to be calmed down by everyone

or in the alternative: he becomes deaf

he cant hear the sweet banging in the forges or the voices of his best friends

all he hears is just SILENCE and it’s horrible

his friends use sign language until he learns how to read lips

he works to make his own ear aid

he also lost his own left arm in the explosion

although he easily made his own prosthetic

however he worries that maybe he’s cheating when he makes or repairs new machines because of his new arm

everyone doesn’t let him think that way and says its because of his brilliant mind that he created so many beauties

he cant handle things staying still for too long

he goes to sleep late and wakes up so early since he hates having dreams or just plain darkness

he’s not as loud or joyous as he was before

he’s still afraid

at first he’s quiet and paranoid, still shivering from death’s cold touch

he becomes afraid of death

he hardly went on quests or even participated in normal camp activities

he doesn’t like hearing rumors or actual news about someone dying

after the war and especially after his death, he suffered more immensely from PTSD, BPD, dependent personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and even PPD

he touches his scars at night that reminded him of his abusive foster homes, life on the streets, and the whole quest thing

i forgot to mention, but he also has a few burn marks for some weird reason - probably a punishment for cheating death

every time he looks at them he just curls up into his bed and cries

also as a headcanon, as punishment for cheating death due to Asclepius resurrecting him, he gets sent to tartarus

after that shit, he hardly smiled

he hates going out into the mortal world but he also hates staying copped up in camp half-blood

hes at that point where he just wants to drown and disappear

especially when during his death he thought he heard his mama call out to him

it broke him

he wakes up every night, whimpering and calling out to his mom and saying sorry

hes still not over her death and still thinks he killed her

I feel like ya’ll are sad by now, but fear not:

finally he’s so fucking done with everything, with the war and monsters and the voices inside his head

he could still hear gaea in his head and it makes him scream

so he decides to run away

he packs his shit and everything and leaves - or, tries to

turns out nico’s there nearby thalia’s tree and stops him

leo tries to get past him but nico knows what he’s doing and tries to help him but leo is just pushing and screaming at him to leave him alone

nico’s only saying comforting words and holding to his hand with no force but leo even goes as far to try to punch him

after what seemed like hours leo finally calmed down and slowly sat in front of the pine tree and nico sits next to him while the latino boy cries

leo finally spills

he starts talking/signing about everything he’s been feeling and experiencing ever since he came back from the dead

about how much he wants his mom back and he hates his dad to leave him on the streets and the stupid gods for making life so fucking difficult

he’s at a crossroads where he wants to die but he’s afraid of death and it just makes him feel so alone and insecure and he just cries until his throat is raspy and his eyes are incredibly puffy and red

nico’s crying too

suddenly, he’s shocked when nico talks/signs about how his life was messed up too

he’s still horrified at bianca’s death and blames percy so much and he’s still not over his crush on him

like he hates him but he idolizes him, and its tearing him apart

he just wants a normal love life but instead he got unrequited love and it slowly tore him apart to where he became even more cold and quiet

and then he talks about how his life on the streets were too, how he hates how his father kept secrets from him, how bianca left him more than once times, how his trek in tartarus left him with scars and intense nightmares

he’s afraid of death too

and he knows how leo feels, to be trapped and sorrowed by our own lives and dreams

but he stopped running away

he tells leo that his friends are here for him, even though it must not seem like it

hes felt what leo’s felt and refuses to let him deal with it alone

he knows leo’s still paranoid about being left out as the seventh wheel and says that without the seventh wheel the car wouldn’t be what it was today

he dealt with his pain alone and it ended with him feeling like an outcast, so he cant leave leo to take it on himself by running away like he did

and he makes a promise on the river styx that he’ll help him

leo’s just quiet and aghast

then silent tears come down his face, relieved that he isn’t alone in this world

that he doesn’t have to be only one to carry his burden

he asks nico if hes alright with helping someone as miserable as him, and nico nods, saying he didn’t make a styx promise for nothing

and even if leo still has horrible nightmares or anxieties or if he even goes insane, he’ll stay with him

and leo for once feels at ease

he lays his head on nico’s shoulder and for once hes at peace

nico doesn’t mind

after that, leo slowly recovers

hes not okay but hes getting better

he finally got a hearing aid and almost cried of joy when he could hear everything / he starts to talk a bit louder and isn’t as scared as he was with loud sounds

his nightmares and visions and voices are still there but he talks about them with nico and his best friends

he still has several disorders and is far from getting over them but luckily he has people behind his back

he gives prosthetics and other useful items to disabled kids in camp

he hangs out with his friends a lot more and actually laughs for the first time in a few months

he joins the rest of the seven + nico and reyna to talk about happier times before and after the quest

he sometimes talks with chiron about his problems since the old man is loving and kind and deserves more respect

he even finds new friends that he never thought would happen (thalia, drew, will, the stolls, clarisse, etc)

him and nico never actually talked before the little half-blood hill thing, but afterwards they started to get to know each other better

they talked about their problems and interests and everything that happened in their lives

leo never felt this kind of feeling of freedom and hope and love with anyone

eventually after several years they got together and honestly they couldn’t be happier

finally, leo and his mom

his wonderwall let him have a small, limited talk with her and leo was incredibly anxious

so nico summons her and its the most heartbreaking event ever

leo tries to hug her and esperanza tries too but they realize theyre in different worlds whoops

so they just express their deep love and missing each other, and leo talks about everything thats happened and even talks about how he blamed himself for her death

esperanza doesn’t let him think that

she tells him he was the best gift to her in her whole existence, and she wants him to always remember her - but not kill himself for her

she wants him to be happy, and she wants him to always remember her existence

and leo feels so much weight lifted from his chest

leo might have illusions and dreams and visions and voices and disorders that still horrify him

but he also has an amazing soulmate, great friends that are with him forever, a loving mother, and a bunch of demigods who share his pain and will be with him till the end

his life isn’t perfect

but its still beautiful

You all can add more!

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trendingnewsb · 6 years

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Michelle Wolf Is the Future of Stand-Up Comedy

The stand-up comedy world is in the throes of a sea change, as three of its marquee namesAziz Ansari, Louis C.K. and T.J. Millerstand accused of various degrees of sexual misconduct. Muddling matters further is the largesse of streaming giant Netflix, whose lofty $20 million-per-hour paydays for male comics Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, and Dave Chappelle have caused much consternation among lesser-compensated women (and understandably so).

As the so-called Bad Men dissolve from the pop-culture consciousness faster than the McFly family photo in Back to the Future, and as women across all industries reclaim their time, a confident new comedy voice has emerged from the maelstrom.

Her name is Michelle Wolf. And she is fucking hilarious.

If you havent seen the 32-year-olds HBO comedy special, Michelle Wolf: Nice Lady, well, you should get on that immediately. It was, in this writers estimation, the funniest stand-up special of 2017, packed with sidesplittingand blessedly Trump-freejokes on topics ranging from the fragile male ego (A soft penis looks like the sound of sad) and the feminism of naked selfies to pay equity and Caitlyn Jenners brave transition (I still fucking hate your personality). Throughout the hour-long ride, she is both cutting and ebullient, her piercing voice, bobbing red mane, and chortle accentuating each clever punch line.

The through-line is the outmoded concept of the nice lady, and how, in the immortal words of The Real World, its time for women to stop being polite and start getting real. Though the special was recorded in August, two months prior to the disturbing Harvey Weinstein revelations, its a sentiment that aligns perfectly with the current #MeToo and #TimesUp movements.

I dont want to say serendipitous, because so many terrible things are happening to so many people, but its kind of serendipitous, I guess, offers Wolf. Its just a good time in comedy right now for women, because its a perspective that people are now more open to.

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Unlike her male contemporaries whove struggled with addressing the epidemic of sexual-harassment allegations, Wolf has proven to be more than up to the task. In late October, just after the Weinstein stories dropped, her Daily Show boss Trevor Noah tasked her with creating a humorous bit on the truly horrifying casein just a few hours, no less.

Its a hard thing to make jokes aboutespecially that soon, she recalls. I struggled to find a take on it. Its good to have emotion behind something, but sometimes your feelings can blind you comedically. You have to remain fairly neutral, stand back from a situation, and think of the way it will actually work, not the way it will make your heart feel better.

The result was both funny and spot-on: My solution? Every time a guy gets caught sexually harassing someone, you dont just fire him. You have to replace him with a woman. Its a policy that I call, Pull out your dick, get replaced by a chick.

Wolf is also fearless. In addition to skewing Caitlyn Jenner in Nice Lady, she takes a few clean shots at Hillary Clinton, or rather the patriarchal system that made Hillary Hillary, from one so-called shrill voice to another.

I do have a theory on why Hillary lost: I think its cause no one likes her, says Wolf in the special. You shouldnt like Hillary. Shes a bitch. You have to be a bitch to be that powerful. Were never going to have a nice lady run for president. Nice ladies arent in charge of things, and if youre in charge of something and you think youre a nice lady, no one else does.

Thats the balance you have to create, she says, explaining the bit. I come from the train of thought that you can joke about anything as long as its funny enough. You have to anticipate what peoples arguments against you will be so that you can make a joke-rationale for it. That Hillary bit goes pretty aggressively at her but then it turns into a compliment. Im not a lawyer but I think its similar to writing a good argument where you have to cover all your bases.

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Wolf wasnt always the self-assured comic you see on HBO and The Daily Show. At the College of William & Marythe same school Jon Stewart went to, strangely enoughshe was a real big nerd who majored in kinesiology, working in a cardiovascular molecular physiology lab, and ran track and field.

I used to watch those old Gatorade commercials from the 90s where the athletes are hooked up to wires on the treadmill and I wanted to be the doctor working on those guys, because I knew I wasnt a good enough athlete, she says.

After graduating from college in 2007, she took a job at Bear Stearns working in mutual funds and separately managed accounts. Then came the financial collapse.

I was the low person on the totem pole but I felt terrible for the people there whod been there for their entire careers and invested in the company. That was heartbreaking, says Wolf. It would almost have been better if everyone got fired on one day, but it dragged on for years. Youd just hear about people getting pushed to other departments and would think, yeah, theyre getting pushed out. It was pretty soul-crushing.

In March 2008, right around the time Bear Stearns was falling apart, a few high-school friends came to New York City to visit, and they all went to a taping of Saturday Night Live. Afterward, she thought, How did they get to do this? So she Googled the cast members and discovered that each and every one of them had done improv.

She immediately signed up for a beginners improv classlevel 1 at The PIT, or Peoples Improv Theaterand found it exhilarating. She had, after all, grown up idolizing Carol Burnett. Wolf would go directly from Bear Stearns (and later JPMorgan) to The PIT.

I used to go to improv classes in my skirt-suit from work, wearing heels, she remembers with a laugh. I finally started bringing pants and sneakers to wear and thought, Oh yeah, you can move!

At one of her improv classes, she befriended someone who worked in a computational biochemistry research lab as a recruiter. And so, after three-and-a-half years in finance she took a job there, because it provided her with more flexibility to explore comedy. She soon got into stand-up, and worked on it all day, day after day, writing jokes, performing sets, and tweeting.

It gave me a ton of time to sit at my computer and tweet all day, which really helped with my joke-writing, shares Wolf. I would just read the news and tweet jokes about the news. It teaches you an economy of words.

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Wolf eventually began doing less and less work at the lab, devoting more and more time to comedy, and got fired. But shed saved up enough money, along with her severance, to last a year: I tripled down with so much fear inside of me because I was like: This is it. I have a year to make it.

She was fired in January 2013. In January 2014, she got hired on the new show Late Night With Seth Meyers, where she worked in the writers room and participated in the occasional sketch. Then, feeling the itch to perform more on-camera, she joined The Daily Show with Trevor Noah in April 2016.

Nice Lady is no accident. Its a late December evening and Wolf has, with the aid of an entire French press, worked from 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. writing jokes (a process they call gangs) all day at The Daily Show before meeting me for more coffee. After our chat, shell head downtown to perform three stand-up sets, including at the famed Comedy Cellar.

I did 21 shows last week, she says, and thats on top of her Daily Show job. I have a new hour Im working on. I wanted to go on tour after the special came out, and I didnt want to do the same stuff. So Im workin on it. Its great and terrifying to work on new jokes.

She pauses, reflecting on her regimen. Its a lifestyle thats not necessarily conducive to women most of the time, because touring and doing stand-up a lot is not easy when you have a baby. Its easy for a guy because the baby can stay home, but Ali [Wong] brings her baby with her all the time, which is a very tough thing to do, and she has a great support system around her. But thats not the norm.

Wolfs well-received Comedy Cellar sets soon caught the eye of high-profile stand-up comedians, including Hannibal Buress. When host Chris Rock was recruiting joke writers for the 2016 Academy Awards, Buress recommended Wolf. She vividly remembers running into Seth Meyers office and frantically yelling, I just got a voicemail from Chris Rock telling me to call him back. What should I do?! You should call him back, said Meyers.

Several of Wolfs jokes made it into the Oscars telecastincluding a great sorority racist bitand Wolf eventually opened for Rock on several European dates.

Hes become a friend and a mentor, which is crazy. Theres no past me that would ever have thought this would happen, she says.

Another of her mentors is Louis C.K., whos been accused ofand confessed toserial sexual misconduct. Wolfs guest-starred on Louis web series Horace and Pete, opened for him on tour, and spent many nights shooting the shit with him at the Comedy Cellar.

When I mention the Louis scandal, she says matter-of-factly: Hes always been very supportive and generous, and my experience with him is very different than others, I suppose. But, in this kind of big moment in my career, I dont really want to talk about stuff that a man did.

Fair enough. After all, it wasnt Louis C.K. who performed thousands of stand-up sets or spent years in a pair of late-night writers rooms meticulously honing her craft, transforming from a nerdy scientist into the stage-commanding badass in Nike His you see before you today. It was Michelle Wolf.

To do stand-up, you have to have a strong point of view, and doing stand-up gave me that strong point of view, she says, cracking a smile. It made me a person.

Michelle Wolfs The Not Nice Comedy Tour kicks off Feb. 1 in Philadelphia. Shell be performing March 8-10 at Carolines in Manhattan.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/michelle-wolf-is-the-future-of-stand-up-comedy

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Gays Against Guns: can LGBTQ community curb the gun lobby?

After the Orlando nightclub shootings, Americas queer community has the gun lobby firmly in its sights. Can they succeed where so many have failed, asks Rupert Neate

Patty Sheehans biggest worries on 11 June 2016 were parking tickets, potholes and whether her latest artwork was a good enough likeness of her cat, Loui. The Orlando city commissioner had stayed up late painting Loui that muggy Saturday night.

Seven months later the portrait remains unfinished. Sheehan was woken by a phone call early the next morning telling her that a gunman armed with a military-style assault rifle had opened fire on clubbers at Pulse, an LGBT nightclub three miles from her door.

Within minutes, she was on the scene. Sheehan stood watch outside Pulse until 11pm, getting home to realise the blood-splattered pavement shed been standing on had been so hot that the soles of her feet had burned through her shoes. She had helped the 53 wounded and the families of the 49 people who lost their lives in less time than it took to read their names at the memorial service. She went back the next day at 4am, and the next, for two weeks. Emails about parking permits, recycling and other day-to-day concerns of a city commissioner were left to pile up in her inbox.

Gay protest group stages die-in against gun stock investments

Sheehan, who became the first out official in central Florida when she was elected in 2000, had a new mission: gun control. Potholes, regrettably, would have to wait. As a city official, gun control measures dont normally apply to me, she said. I frankly thought: Let the big guys in Washington deal with it, but when the Pulse attack happened it came to our streets. If DC cant do this, someone has got to do it. If it takes a little city commissioner in Orlando to say it, so be it.

Sheehan is part of a growing movement among gay people across America vowing to take on the gun death epidemic, following successful campaigns for marriage equality and the repeal of the governments Dont Ask Dont Tell policy, which prevented gay soldiers from serving their country openly.

Gays Against Guns (Gag) is a collective, based in New York City, that includes several veterans of Act Up, the activist group that forced President Reagan to respond to the Aids epidemic. It has begun a campaign of civil disobedience and direct action against gun companies and their supporters.

It devastated me: Patty Sheehan with clergyman Kelvin Cobaris (centre) and a local gay rights campaigner after the Pulse shooting. Photograph: Joe Burbank/AP

John Grauwiler, one of Gags three founders, makes for an unlikely activist. He is a muscled, 6ft, 46-year-old teacher and fitness fanatic who commutes on his beaten-up bike from his East Village apartment to his school in Brooklyn. Over Sunday brunch at NoHo B Bar, Grauwiler recalled the moment he heard the news about the Pulse attack in a text from his mother in New Jersey.

OMG, John, Im so sorry, her text read. He initially had no idea what she was referring to, but it became painfully clear when he scrolled through other texts and checked Facebook.

It devastated me, quite frankly, Grauwiler said. When Sandy Hook [the 2012 massacre of 20 children at a school in Connecticut] happened, it hit me as a teacher. With the Charleston church shooting [in which nine African-American parishioners were killed in 2015] it hit me as a black man. And now with Orlando, it hit me as a gay man, he said. I thought: Fuck it, lets do something!

Grauwiler, who teaches English in Brooklyns leafy Carroll Gardens neighbourhood, said he believes so strongly in the need for tougher gun control under a Donald Trump presidency that he is prepared to break the law to draw attention to it. He thinks direct action is the only way to achieve change. It has always worked, and it always will, he said. Lobbying has a value, but it tends to happen at a slower pace and behind closed doors.

Grauwiler didnt intend to become an activist, not now nor during the Aids crisis, when he was one of the youngest members of Act Up. I had come to the city in 1989 from Jersey City as an 18-year-old to live my life, he said. But, of course I heard about Aids, and people were dying. I thought I was going to die as well, and I had to do something. He went to his first Monday night Act Up organising meeting at the arts and architecture university Cooper Union. I belonged. I felt like I finally, somehow, had some control of my destiny, Grauwiler said. He helped by handing out clean needles to drug addicts in the then no-go Lower East Side.

Man with a message: John Grauwiler, one of the founders of Gays Against Guns. Photograph: Christopher Lane for the Observer

Now Grauwiler, with Gag co-founders Kevin Hertzog and Texas-born Brian Worth, runs his own organising meetings on Thursday nights at the Center, New Yorks LGBTQ community space in the West Village. At the slightly chaotic meetings, Gag members debate the best ways to end the corporate machine profiting from gun death.

Campaigns have included die-in protests that saw Gag members storm the Manhattan offices of money manager BlackRock, which is one of the biggest investors in gun companies, including Smith & Wesson. Dressed in white T-shirts cropped to display as much gym-honed bicep as possible and spray painted with the Gays Against Guns slogan, the protesters held placards stating: Gun$ sell. People die. $tock soars.

The protesters ranging in age from teenagers to people in their 80s gathered in Paley Park and marched towards BlackRocks headquarters. They were led by dozens of silent, white-veiled figures carrying placards with the names and faces of victims from Pulse and other massacres, including some of the 20 six- and seven-year-olds who had been at Sandy Hook Elementary in 2012.

After BlackRock refused to send anyone out to listen to their concerns, they performed a die-in in the foyer 12 people lying on the floor to represent the dozen people killed with weapons including a Smith & Wesson MP assault rifle at a cinema in Aurora, Colorado, in 2012. Outside the office on 52nd Street protesters dropped blood red-dyed popcorn around white chalk-outlines of victims.

Our actions are in your face. Theyre very visceral with people screaming about death and demanding change, Grauwiler said. Theyre something the world will see.

Some of them are funny, too. Grauwiler and his Gaggers sing tongue-in-cheek Christmas carols adapted by Broadway performer and Gag member Mark Leydorf to draw attention to horrors of gun violence and the National Rifle Associations (NRA) influence. Gags version of Silent Night sung to Christmas shoppers at Rockefeller Center goes like this: Silent night. Holy night. Terrified until we died. This is life in the USA, where we worship the NRA.

Rock and a hard place: Gays Against Guns stage a protest at the Manhattan offices of BlackRock, massive investors in gun companies. Photograph: Carlo Allegri/Reuters

Gag also targets high-street brands that partner with the NRA, including car rental companies, Visa, and Wyndham Hotels. Grauwilers message to those firms: Its us or them. End your relationship with the death business or the LGBTQ community ends its relationship with you. According to a recent study, the combined annual disposable income of the LGBTQ community in the US is estimated at $917bn.

The numbers turning up at Gags weekly meetings have increased in the wake of Trumps victory, as, Grauwiler says, people are increasingly looking for a focus to direct their anger at after the reality TV stars election. The most recent Gag meeting lasted eight hours as members debated whether or not Gag should become Gat Gays Against Trump. It was decided that Gag would retain its focus on gun control, but the group has joined the wider protest movement picketing Trump Tower.

Gag the acronym was chosen knowingly secured a last-minute prime spot at the front of New York Citys Pride parade leading Grauwiler and the others to pull an all-nighter spray-painting banners demanding stricter gun control measures.

Like Grauwiler, Iraq war veteran and DC political consultant Jason Lindsay immediately started forming his own anti-gun campaign group on 12 June. While Gag is visceral and direct, Lindsays Pride Fund to End Gun Violence is taking a considered and targeted lobbying approach to help gay people and their allies elect candidates who will act on sensible gun policy reforms while championing LGBTQ safety and equality.

I was shocked to my stomach when I saw it on the news, Lindsay said from Dupont Circle, DCs historically gay but now yuppified neighbourhood. At the same time, it was just another example of the senseless epidemic of gun violence. But this was different in scale and it was incredibly personal for me, as it was an attack on my community.

Lindsay came out in rural North Carolina when he was 15, but he only felt comfortable telling his mother, and kept his life and feelings very private. The intense privacy would continue for years. At 18, he signed up as an army reservist serving for 14 years including a tour of Iraq in 2003 when the Dont Ask Dont Tell policy was still in force. I didnt tell anyone all of that time and no one found out, he said.

Hes less private now. Today he is leading a campaign on one of the most contentious issues in America, as a gay man with hundreds of LGBTQ supporters. Why do I think gays can change this? he asked. The gay community, and its allies, are an incredible force. These are people in high-powered positions across all walks of life. And we have won battles before. People thought marriage equality would never happen, thought that Dont Ask Dont Tell would never be repealed, he said. This is a new fight for the gay community, adding our incredible strength and political experience to the existing campaigns, and that will make a difference.

Lindsay is uniquely placed to take on this fight as a gay man working in politics who has fired military assault rifles similar to those used by the Pulse killer. These are weapons of war and have no place on American streets, he said. People in the military have to undergo enhanced safety training before using a gun like that. But in the civilian world, you can go into a store and take away a gun with no training.

Lindsay said the public are already onboard, but lawmakers are lagging behind public opinion because of their reliance on donations and support from the gun lobby and the NRA. Political polling since the Pulse shooting has consistently shown 90% of Americans support stricter background checks and 85% want to block suspected terrorists on the no-fly list from buying weapons.

The NRA, said Lindsay, is trying to distort the aim of the campaign. They are playing the fear factor, saying we want to take away peoples guns and repeal the second amendment [the right to bear arms]. We dont want to take away anyones guns.

In fact, many of Pride Funds board own guns and enjoy hunting or days at the shooting range. All we are advocating for is a review of assault weapon sales and access to high-capacity magazines. No one needs them, he said. They are designed to kill as many people as quickly as possible.

Barbara Poma the owner of Pulse, who created the club as a place welcoming anyone and everyone in memory of her gay brother John who died of Aids-related complications in 1991 carries, and her husband and son own, several firearms. She said the attack, which claimed the lives of several of her friends, hasnt changed her support of the second amendment. My life changed forever that night, all of our lives changed. But it hasnt changed my point of view on guns. The right to bear arms is a fundamental part of being American.

Patty Sheehan, who also serves on the Pride Fund board, has a handgun she bought after being threatened because of her sexuality and for campaigning for equality. Shes not going to give up her gun either, but vowed to continue to demand a ban on assault weapons even if it costs her job. She fears that when she comes up for re-election later this year the NRA which pumped millions of dollars into Trumps campaign will deploy its vast war chest against her. I am scared, I know it might cost me my job, but if I dont stand up and protect my community I cant do my job.

Sheehan, who is single and has devoted her life to public service, Loui and her urban chickens, said: Everything I do as an elected public official doesnt matter if its all shattered by gun violence. These kids at Pulse didnt sign up for the military, they went out to dance and got shot.