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#this is how much I miss you talking

firstfullmoon · 8 months

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James Schuyler, “Up,” in Collected Poems

#happy sunday kind of sunday the first one of september !#w #poetry #james schuyler #this is how much I miss you talking

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fifthventricle · 7 months

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When you call me and I answer and say, “Speak of the devil” or “I was just thinking of you” Im not inflating your ego or lying to you.

You’re always always always on my mind in every little sulcus of my brain… you are the viscous fluid in those fissures keeping me alive.

If I were to stop thinking of you just for a moment of my day I think I would just die.

#this is how much i miss you talking #w #fleabag

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tomurakii · 4 days

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Also of course Kipperlily lost her shit about Kristen not taking the campaign seriously. She's a kid who gets passionate about shit and her "friends" use it to take the piss and make her mad on purpose. It reminds me of my own childhood or the treatment of other neurodivergent kids in primary school, where you'd say you don't like being touched or that you want your stuff organised a certain way or bring a fidget toy or something to school with you and some kid would come and harrass you and move stuff and take things out of your hands just to get you to have a meltdown or give them a reaction they can laugh at you about.

She cares about the presidency, and thinks Kristen is taking it to fuck with her on purpose just like Ruben did with their party name and countless shithead kids probably did in the past.

#like idk. bitches love autistic traits in characters like Ayda who miss social cues by charmingly misunderstanding subtext #but the second you have a meltdown or miss social cues by becoming overinvested rather than underinvested you're a crazy villain.#like idk. when they talked about that scene where everyone voted to change the name except KL who really cared and Lucy who knew how much it #meant to her I teared up a lil. like I wish I'd had a lucy as a kid to defend my interests #but I guess relating to kipperlily means you're “a bully who drove people to self-harm” like that freak on this site said so #d20 #fantasy high #fhjy #fhjy spoilers #kipperlily copperkettle

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katabay · 3 months

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original thief series basso & garrett :)

ngl, it's about quality over quantity for me. an npc can have a total of three minutes of screen time, but if they have a cool name, they can live rent free in my head and I'll spend several hours trying to decipher drawable features from a blurry screenshot of pixels

there is a vague hint of a story here, and that's because every time I try to play thi4f, I get incredibly frustrated with how Not Fun the game play is. like, is the story good? well. but it has a PLAGUE. that should've given it instant 'I'll replay this once a year' status in my heart, but the game play sucks so bad that I've never finished it. I can't believe Not Fun gameplay beat out my obsession with narrative plagues.

anyway, the idea is basically if the original era had a game with a plague centric narrative and some other stuff I liked out of thi4f thrown into a narrative blender, with a heavy dash of horror thrown in because some parts of the thief games were scarier to me than entire dedicated horror genre games.

⭐ places I’m at! bsky / pixiv / pillowfort /cohost / cara.app

#if i had a laptop and the skillset i would attempt a story mod because the thief modders who create whole mission stories #are GENIUS and also somewhat terrifying. love them! xoxox #anyway im actually kind of obsessed with parts of thi4f but its also like. not at that sweet spot of almost good enough to be fun #to talk about. which. for the record. has not stopped me from talking about it at length to people #the city itself actually fucking fascinates me. its almost alive and im SO mad that not a single part of that game is actually terrifying #it should be gnarlier and instead it feels a bit like it doesn't quite want to be trapped in the story it has to tell?#but between the level that has the bodies on the meathooks #and the scene with the bodies hanging from the rafters or whatever that was and garrett living in a clock tower #because the game is very much ALMOST about changing times and authoritarian violence and capitalism #(like. by virtue of how the story sort of spins out i think it misses it's mark on a lot of stuff here #in the sense that i dont feel like it actually wants to tell that story. it wants to. go in a different direction. or at least walk on top #of those themes instead of through it)#ANYWAY between all of those things. it does kind of live in my head rent free. they did create a compelling setting #SHAME THEY DIDNT WANT TO ACTUALLY EAT ANY OF IT #unrelated but i would've given thi4f a 10/10 if they kept garrett's fucking nail polish from the concept art. cowards. unforgivable #thief the dark project #i still have no idea how to tag the game series as a whole RIP #sorry for the dedicated dark project fans. if you know what the general series tag is. please let me know #garrett thief #basso thief

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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 17 days

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On Kurapika's Self-Imposed Isolation

While I recognize that probably everything I'm about to say is going to be super obvious, I just wanted to briefly touch on Kurapika's self-isolation, and the reason behind his not picking up his phone or exchanging anything more than clipped words and business after Yorknew.

I think the obvious answer is that Kurapika doesn't want his friends in harms way, or to be used as a bargaining tool against him. This is an understandable and probably accurate conclusion. After all, Gon and Killua did get taken hostage, and Kurapika was forced to negotiate an exchange. Chrollo picked up on Kurapika's "weakness" right away - that he values his friends' safety before his revenge. Fortunately for Kurapika in this situation, Pakunoda was a whole lot more similar to him than he would've cared to admit, as she placed a value on Chrollo's life even though everyone in the Spider was intended to be replaceable. So, now that he's been through Gon and Killua having potentially gotten killed or seriously hurt, and Chrollo knows that he has a soft spot for them, it does make sense that he would try to push them away for their safety and for the sake of not having an exploitable "weakness" in future. He may also not want to burden them more when they have their own lives to live - he does slip off without telling Gon and Killua for the sake of not distracting them from Nen training, after all.

Except that he already tried all this earlier in Yorknew arc. He tried to tell them they shouldn't get involved, and they all agreed that the risks were massive - but his friends agreed to undergo the risks anyways to help him. Kurapika was even grateful for it - "I have been blessed with good friends."

So, for him to push them away solely for this reason after the fact, knowing that this was very much a likely situation to happen, is a little odd to me. Kurapika knows full well that Leorio would be frustrated, Killua would be offended and Gon would worry. So, I think there's a little more to it than that, and I actually would venture to say that "keeping his friends out of danger" is more a secondary reason for his actions - one that would come across as more of a reasonable excuse to others.

The primary reason is likely a lot more selfish than that. Kurapika has to ensure his mission comes first. And unfortunately, he is fully aware that his path and choice in abilities is deeply self-destructive.

Kurapika needs to make sure that he doesn't have exploitable weaknesses, sure, but he also just as much needs to purposefully worsen his headspace - and he can't do that with those three around.

Think back, what are the happiest moments we see from Kurapika in the series? The one that comes to mind first, and the one I'm sure most of us will think of immediately, is this:

[ID: A screenshot from the 2011 anime adaptation. Kurapika smiles - he looks at ease. End ID.]

It's one of the sweetest scenes of the series imo, right before the whole group is reunited for the first time since the Zoldyck Family arc, and it's even more notable because it comes immediately on the tail end of this...

[ID: Three panels from HxH Chapter 101. Kurapika removes his contacts over the sink. His expression is distant. End ID.]

...and this...

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A close up of Kurapika's vacant and furious expression, his eyes wide and dangerous as he says "It might as well be you." Though the art is in black and white, it's apparent his eyes have gone scarlet. End ID.]

...and this.

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A distant Kurapika speaks on the phone on a rooftop at night, the cityscape of Yorknew around him dark, but speckled with lights and stars. He says "The Spiders are dead." His face is not visible to the reader. End ID.]

This is, up to this point in the series, Kurapika at his lowest. In contrast to Gon, who is happy to hear that the Spiders are dead already because now Kurapika can focus solely on finding his peoples' eyes, Kurapika... is clearly not happy - and that's because killing the Spiders himself isn't just revenge. It's penance. It's survivor's guilt. Kurapika's powers, which Izunavi even comments sound much like he is chaining himself in the process of chaining his enemies, are oh-so-beautifully prophecied to destroy him - and Kurapika was aware of this from the moment he set off down this path of revenge.

(As a side note, this is why I'm really hoping we see Gon and Kurapika interact again after the Chimera Ant arc - while Gon has always been pretty attentive to Kurapika's emotional state, in Yorknew, he lacks a true understanding of why Kurapika would go so far... but as of now, he understands rage fueled by guilt and grief all too well. I know we're all rooting for Leorio to reach Kurapika, but barring that, I really think Gon could get through to him - after all, they are similar in several ways, and I find it fairly apparent that Gon reminds Kurapika of Pairo.)

But back to the main point here - I do suspect Kurapika expects (if not wants) his revenge mission to destroy him. I think a lot of times, we forget just how young Kurapika is, and how much his character is dictated by honour, and the abandonment of it.

Certainly, he can and will go against his principles for the sake of his mission... yet, almost paradoxically, he's bound to his promise to his fallen clan; a promise to avenge them made in anger.

But Kurapika... doesn't come across as a naturally angry person to me at all.

He seems like the stoic, vengeful type on his initial introduction... and then we get his panic at Gon's recklessness

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 2. Kurapika and Leorio wear matching expressions of panic in front of Gon, calling him out for his recklessness. End ID.]

...and his near-immediate forgiveness of Leorio after getting the first inkling of his character - of someone who cares just as fiercely as he does.

And after that point? Almost all through the Hunter Exam? Kurapika smiles so readily at them. He's sharp and funny. He mediates at times, but is stubbornly prideful in others. He's very amused by his friends' antics, and it really does seem like he starts to enjoy himself, with them. And, more than that, he counters Leorio's initial impression of him as an independent loner - on several occasions. He decides to follow Gon because Gon intrigues him. Asides from Gon, it is Kurapika who is the most unwilling to fight each other at the bottom of Trick Tower. Kurapika who makes the first move to team up with Leorio, even though that arrangement benefits Leorio much more than it does him. Kurapika who refuses to abandon Leorio to his fate in the cave, and who checks on Gon after noticing his bad mood. Who was furious enough watching him get beat down by Hanzo that his eyes went scarlet for the first and only instance outside of Spider mentions and Emperor Time. Who quite readily detoured to help rescue Killua.

[ID: Three screenshots from the 2011 adaptation Hunter Exam arc. In the first, Kurapika smiles at a sleeping Leorio. In the second, Kurapika stifles laughter as he pretends he's asleep. In the third, Kurapika has an open-mouthed smile as he acquires the airship tickets for them, Leorio and Gon standing behind him. End ID.]

Look at him! He's so bright! So happy!

...too happy. Too happy to do what he promised himself he would do. And that's his biggest fear, isn't it. Without his rage... what is he left with?

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 2. A close up of Kurapika's eye as he says "I do not fear death. What I fear is that my rage will one day fade away." End ID.]

Kurapika is far, far less mired in anger when he's with his friends. I actually dare to say that at certain points, he was able to go for lengths of time without thinking much about it - alternating between almost forgetting in one instance and being hit like a sledgehammer on exposure to a reminder in the next. This violent swing is... actually the beginnings of the natural process of healing from loss and trauma. But to Kurapika, who's made a promise to his people's memories, this is not a relief. This is betrayal.

I think that actually scares him, that he can almost picture it. A life beyond his guilt. That he, too, could learn to be happy, even after unimaginable loss.

And so, as Kurapika continues his mission offscreen, finding more and more gruesome reminders of the cruelty inflicted on his people and losing more and more pieces of himself in the process (in his own words, no less), he prioritizes his responsibility to them, and pushes away his distractions. He cannot be a soul at peace until his work is done; he must be in turmoil. He pushes people away who he cares for, and binds himself, and keeps his people's eyes on him, quite literally, because respite, for him, is unacceptable. Perhaps that guilty part of him even hopes, by the end of this, that his soul will be so unrecognizable as to be fundamentally unsalvageable. But the truth of the matter is, or at least what comes across to me, is that Kurapika cares much more fiercely than he hates. He knows what matters most. And for as long as he does, he still hasn't truly lost himself.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 350. Kurapika looks down at baby Woble with a gentle, yet complicated expression. The inking is somewhat softer. End ID.]

Kurapika's soul is kind, really. And it wants to heal - but for the sake of his mission, he needs it damaged and bleeding. And so, he forces himself to exist in that pain. All alone.

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 344. Kurapika, dressed in a black suit, sits with his back to the reader, looking down at a photo in his hand. He is slumped a little before the church vigil he has prepared, all his clan's eyes lined up in their jars and honoured with flowers and candles. He thinks to himself "There is no home for me to return to... and nobody to welcome me back. I have nothing left." End ID.]

#thank you for coming to my ted talk on how kurapika is worsening his own mental health as well as physical health on purpose have a good day #oh my god this took me so long but it was worth it!!!#actual analysis!!! it's been so long!!!#anyways i'm far shakier on my hxh knowledge than other fandoms i've written meta for #so i hope this makes sense. i appreciate additions to it just please be polite!#i also believe that togashi's writing lends itself to multiple interpretations that are equally valid. so much of this #may be my own takeaway. but i do think there's enough evidence to support it #well. i hope you guys suffer... i mean enjoy.#storyrambles #hunter x hunter #hxh #hxh meta #kurapika #call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective #<-analysis tag i missed you

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rowenas-megacoven · 3 months

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The Khan’s are just PHENOMENAL. They’re so warm and vibrant and hysterical in all the best ways. The MCU is absent/shitty/dead/evil-parent-and-complicated-family central, theres too much familial feuding at times, whether that family is blood or adopted or found, so I am LIVING for and LOVING how the Khan’s are just so normal and ordinary and wonderful. It’s no wonder Kamala has such a can-do, confident, positive attitude. It’s no wonder she’s such a dreamer and proudly herself and so damn funny when she’s surrounded by so much love and encouragement. Kamala Khan and the fam need to be in more Marvel movies, their dynamic is just joyous and healing and I will NOT tolerate another Aunt May incident. I WILL NOT. I swear if anything happens to ANY of them-

#so I just watched the marvels #I adore the khans sm #they’re just JOY okay?#Like the Mr Khan talking to the 300 yr old SWORD employee about his retireement plan? I fuckin howled #Mrs Khan being like “THIS WOULD BE A LOVELY HOME FOR GRANDCHILDREN AAMIR’ while Aamir tries to mute her with a tv remote #how they ALL insist to GO TO SPACE to make sure Kamala is okay #I forgot how dearly I loved the Khans for a second #Kamala can get away with all sorts of chaos and mischief but as long as she safe they’re chill about it #I swear if they pull a Thor on Kamala I will FLIP #Kamala is gonna have to have a character growth arc with all of the Khans safe and sound #there was obvs so much more about the marvels that was great but I haven’t seen any posts appreciating the Khans #THE KHAN FAMILY I LOVE YOU #the marvels #ms marvel #kamala khan #the khans #miss marvel #the Khan family #carol danvers #captain Marvel #monica rambeau #mwah.txt #marvel #marvel cinematic universe #mcu

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firstfullmoon · 9 months

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This week we didn’t meet. I hate that. The bed is rumpled. I go out onto the lawn. The stars are hid in heavy haze. The only moon my lit room. I put my hand into the beam that falls upon a garden chair. You’ve touched that hand, and it’s touched you. I’ve little to complain of. In fact, I’m not complaining. I find it on these hot nights, hard to fall asleep. If you were here! You almost were. Then something came up. Back to bed. I’m reading about Byron and his last love, la Guiccioli. I identify with her, afraid of losing him. When you’re down, I get scared. What if boredom should set in? On your side, not on mine. I put my hand on your side of the bed. I see you there as I saw you sleep there last week. We’re not like Byron and his Teresa, we don’t play games. (Byron, by the way, was great! So, in her way, was she.) At least, the games we play are sex games, not the kind that come from ennui. God damn this hot and restless night. I was asleep and then a dream that you were angry with me woke me. I can’t quite shake it off. I know it isn’t true. You’re not. It’s hot: I thought we’d meet: we can’t: I felt let down. I get the downs sometimes too. And how. I trust you. You’re as straight as anyone I’ve ever known. I hate it when you’re blue. You plunge so deep into it. I feel then I’m in the dark and can’t quite touch you. Perhaps I needn’t, shouldn’t try. I respect your inner life. You have Irish moods (and eyes). I do too. I— what is it that I want to say? To say this isn’t a complaint. It’s how I feel on a hot night in August, 1972, missing you.

— James Schuyler, “August Night,” in Collected Poems

#w #poetry #james schuyler #the earth was made for lovers #this is how much I miss you talking

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fifthventricle · 7 months

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I know love like mine exists because I exist, even if we never speak again i’ll always think of you fondly.. you treated my vulnerability as a strength, all the kindest most genuine words i’ve heard about myself have come from you, it wasn’t your fault you couldn’t understand me I couldn’t understand myself all that well either.

In the end, I’m grateful that I love and that I have been loved so sweetly and kindly.

#Watching the candescent sunlight in a car with you through the sun roof of your car #drinking overly sweet coffee #your smile i love so much #your belly laugh #your rabbit teeth #this is how much i miss you talking #w #o

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crystal-verse · 6 months

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god i want. an au where it dosn't work. where it's just arr g'raha who's woken up, and he doesn't have all these memories and all these people keep looking at him like they're mourning someone. the world has changed and time has changed and all the people he knows have changed, but he hasn't changed, he was just sleeping, just sleeping, and the world nearly ended several times and apparently he helped prevent yet another end but he has no memory of this. they want him to join the scions. he does not know these people. (he barely knows the warrior of light, now, but did he ever truly know them in the first place?) his little sister is alive and well. she looks at him like a ghost. she's changed, and she's older than him now. he acts bratty and loud and brash to cover up the fact that he does not know anything it seems, and he is tired but he was sleeping for so long, so how could he be tired?

he doesn't know these people. they seem to know him. he wonders if he'd killed someone, when it was him and not that exarch who woke up. he wonders if it should have been him who was "killed" in that way, if it is him that lives and not that man who had known and become friends with all these figures from legend. he wonders if he'll always be fated to be a historian one step back from everything, because he simply cannot be a hero.

#bound with thread | original posts #letters in verse | talking #g'raha tia #crystal exarch #hello everyone i am being Incredibly Normal about g'raha tia at -checks time- 12:02 am #you ever think about the fact that arr g'raha is basically killed/replaced when the exarch wakes up in 5.3. because i do. a lot #hi i have brainworms over this man he's SO tragic and i need to hold him gently in my hands like how you cradle a small trembling kitten #genuinely happy about his character growth and progression and happy ending and all but arr g'raha was the one who grabbed my focus #and i do miss a lot of that character sometimes yknow? post-shb g'raha isn't the same person as arr g'raha and that's intentional‚ i think‚#because he has gone through so much that we didn't see. so much trauma and pain because of the 8th umbral era and that loss he got hit with #and he's not the same person because he's *had* to change so much to keep himself and his people alive and i'm glad he's getting to #experience life to the fullest in endwalker onwards but just. i miss arr g'raha yknow #honestly the silliest thing about it is i miss his student of baldesion tattoo. was a fun little design element you know.#show us the tattoo again squeenix. give him back his red eyeshadow that he had.#give him his bow back i am begging #this has been: incomprehensible ramblings from simon at 12 at night

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