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senju-sekhmet · 3 years

Text

'Hot’ is just a matter of definition

Summary: It felt like any other morning - you surely felt like every other morning - except for a certain kind of warmth. Perhaps some soreness that made your muscles ache? Of course you wouldn't slow down simply for feeling a bit hot - Tobirama strongly disagrees. 5600 words I really wanted to do a funny comfort piece, so this is a little self-indulgent! It sat on my shelf for a while before I was happy with it, smh. Thanks for all the help, @avversiera-writes 🥺 Warnings! Illness, fever talks, and slightly suggestive undertones (SFW though!) Read on AO3!

The first sign should’ve been this awful chill that ran through your bones the moment you opened your eyes. It was an early rise, like usual, but something was different. Blinking slowly, your lazy gaze found the window and the brilliant, red sunrise that was hinted at by how the crimson hues were hitting the buildings you could peek at.

And unsurprisingly, the man whose arms were wrapped around you, legs intertwined with yours gave a rather disgruntled huff as he registered your movement. Tobirama would fiercely deny being clingy (That’s ridiculous!) but despite the two of you usually falling asleep on each side of the bed (that is, if you went there at the same time or haven’t been down to friskier activities before), he’d always find his way around your body during the night somehow to completely enclose it with his. No, he wasn’t just a bit clingy, he was a real cuddler. One time you dared to make a small tease about such being the case, but you were only met with fierce denial, a bright red face and incoherent mumbling (Childish… I do not cuddle…). It was adorable, really.

Honestly though, you wouldn’t deny loving it, either. To know that in the privacy of your bedroom, one might argue the most private room of a house, he’d become this relaxed was endearing - charming, even - especially considering in public, he was vastly different about physical affection.

Except when you wanted to really rise up; then the complaints started. Unless Tobirama got up before you did, his limbs would tangle yours more and he’d make miffed grunts. All within the time limit the two of you had for the morning, of course.

This morning, though?

You shifted a little bit from your position to lay more on your back, to which Tobirama gave yet another unamused sound. Your muscles ached slightly. Maybe you needed to stretch a bit today.

“Nnnghn…”, he mumbled, and the arm that was wrapped around your chest to hold your shoulder tightly snuck a little higher to caress your neck.

“Tobi…”, you sweetly began, a whisper.

“Hm,” came the answer, but this time a lot more conscious - and ponderous. One scarlet eye blinked open and Tobirama’s forehead was worried by fine wrinkles. “Hmmm,” he hummed again, the hand on your neck trailing up even higher, to your cheek.

You chuckled a little bit at the comical embrace he was giving you. “What’s up?”

His other eye opened and out of nowhere - “You’re hot.”

You blinked. “Why, I wasn’t expecting such unabashed, eloquent flattery in the early morning.”

He rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly. “Your body temperature is above average. Quite a lot, in fact.” You let your eyebrows tilt up in a rather hurt pout. “That is the least sexy way I’ve ever heard someone say ‘You’re hot’.”

Tobirama gave a low growl then suddenly and you only felt the bed shift - then he was above you, steading himself with an arm on each side of your chest, legs still tangled. If it wasn’t for the deep frown etched into his mien, you’d find this, in fact, hot . “That is because I am in no way referring to your looks, Y/n!” Although momentarily - momentarily - his gaze flickered down your body, covered in nothing but a light nightgown.

You raised an eyebrow expectantly.

His scarlet stare was right back at you, burning in intensity - and yet there was a glint of something in them. “I am, of course, not saying you could not be considered metaphorically ‘hot’,” he began then, his baritone voice low and sultry, clinging to something. Something that was wiped away in the blink of an eye when it became stern only. “But right now you are also hot literally.”

You wanted to roll your eyes at him and tell him that has got to be the second worst way of being told you’re hot, but before you could get a word out, the man had plastered his hand on your forehead and you felt his chakra connecting to your network; smoothing over it gently in an inward caress you reciprocate swiftly, tenderly. You’d never grow tired of this. Of course, it lasted only a moment - he intensified the connection to gain a closer look at your body, his presence inside of you growing stronger as he took to examine you briefly in order to ascertain the origin of the ‘hotness’ you chose to flippantly call it.

Except you were not having any of it. “Tobirama, I’m fine, honestly.” Your hand moved to grasp the wrist of his arm to gently remove it from your forehead.

His presence inside you instantly flickered - bristled. “Y/n,” came the prompt, stern answer and you could swear the pressure on your forehead, hips and legs increased slightly.

This was getting ridiculous. “This is absurd. I feel good, so what if I’m extra hot? Might be getting a cold, there is no need to fuss.”

His eyes flew open again to spare you a furious glare. “For a common cold it’d be very unusual to be burning up as you are,” he began firmly and you had to forcibly bite back on commentary or another eye roll lest his lecture would grow. “Now if you’ll keep your smart mouth closed for a few more moments, I could finish this.”

You jutted your lower jaw forward. “You love my smart mouth.”

His eyebrows rose slowly and for a few seconds, he seemed entirely impassive. Suddenly, you felt his chakra inside of you jolt, zigzagging through your network so abruptly you gasped. It wasn’t unpleasant so much as it was unexpected - and intense. Momentarily his presence within you was so strong, so potent, you felt you could nearly grasp his thoughts and emotions with your own chakra - and yet at the same time, he was so active, so seizing - it felt quite possessive.

“You’re-”, you huffed, ready to retaliate letting your chakra swell to retort.

“Quiet, let me work,” he grunted, closing his eyes again, focusing on the connection you two shared. The smirk in his voice had been unmistakeable, though, as was the slight tilt of the corner of his mouth.

Unfair. He was being unfair. However you weren’t swayed, either. “There’s no need for this. And you need to relax.” Again you felt the connection swell though, much more gentle as he continued the examination and you were given just a low, warning rumble to let him get it done. Only a moment later he gave another disgruntled hum, his scarlet gaze now mustering you now.

You crossed your arms in front of your chest. “Well? Happy now?” you snapped, perfectly miffed. On the one hand the concern was endearing, on the other hand...

His face was scrunched in deep ponder. “I’m unsure. I can’t pinpoint anything for sure, but perhaps there was something about your lungs-”

You felt yourself bristle. “I’m not staying here on some cryptic ‘perhaps’ from my very overprotective husband. May I, now?” Already, you wriggled beneath him to free yourself and get up. Your muscles really did ache a bit - you definitely needed a stretch.

Tobirama’s gaze narrowed again. “I don’t think you should be moving around today, Y/n.”

That did it. Darkly, you articulated every word perfectly clear: “Tobirama, I’m not joking. Move.”

Reluctantly - as you could tell by his stiff body - he shifted to the side to release you. His intense gaze never left you, though you couldn’t spare him more than another roll of your eyes at this point.“This might only be the tip of the iceberg," he warned, you could hear the frown in his baritone voice still.

However, you had already gotten up and were standing, staring down at Tobirama with equal sternness. “Or you need to rein it in again.” You shrugged as though that’d ease the soreness in your muscles - it didn’t - and then tilted your head a little. “I feel a bit cold, in fact, so how about that.”

His scarlet eyes widened slightly at that statement. Promptly he scrambled to get out of bed himself. “Y/n-”, he began, downright chastising - but you had already spun around and were heading for the bathroom of your house.

“Enough fussing, dear husband, we have a lot of work to do,” you reminded him in a playful tone. Talking of work was bound to get his focus elsewhere than your imaginary symptoms.

_______

Or so you thought.

Once you finished in the bathroom (admittedly, you did feel a little bit lightheaded) you headed to join him in the living area for a small breakfast (and maybe, just maybe also a bit shaky?). The heady smell of tea hung in the air; you couldn’t help but smile lightly. However the room felt quite cold - had he opened the windows? Tobirama already was sitting cross-legged at the low table, reading documents he had strewn over it last night. When you entered the room, his head snapped up and the scarlet gaze had you pinned, eyes narrowing again.

“Don’t,” you sternly cut him off before he could even say anything like ‘Get back into bed’, shaking your head before sitting down across from him, pouring yourself a cup of tea for yourself.

Tobirama rested his chin on his balled fist. The frown must be etched into his face at this point. “You look pale.” His baritone voice was deceptively smooth.

Your hand clenched around your cup of tea, eyebrows furrowing. “You know, I could say the same about you.”

A single white eyebrow arched up. “Unsurprising, as my complexion is rather pale.” The fine smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth again.

You crossed your arms defensively. A shiver ran down your spine. Since when was the room so cold? “I am very well capable of judging myself to see if I am fit for work. Which I am.”

The smirk faded and he dropped his hand to the table, straightening himself. You had to drag your hand over your face in order to keep yourself from rolling your eyes at him again. As you did so you couldn’t help but notice - your face did feel a bit warmer.

“Why are you being so stubborn about this, Y/n?”, Tobirama began, his deep voice stern again. You blinked to find his scarlet eyes staring at you intensely again, his facial features hard as ever. Maybe it was your imagination, but there might have been a tinge of worry to his tone. “I’m not imagining anything. If I had to take a guess, you’re actually not telling me everything.” He tilted his head. “Are you feeling dizzy?”

An exasperated groan escaped your mouth before you could help it, but this time you did roll your eyes. Your hand slapped down on the table. “For the last time, Tobirama - I’m fine. It’s just a little fever - did you open a window or something? It’s so cold in here, I’m shivering.” You ran your palms over your arms, feeling the chill creep into you.

You didn’t think this was possible, but the wrinkles of Tobirama’s frown became even deeper. “I did not, Y/n.”

You blinked in surprise. “Huh.” As much as you hated to admit it, Tobirama’s fever theory might hold more merit than you wanted to give him credit for. Worse yet, you had to tell him.

Tobirama’s intense stare was wrought with worry at this point, bereft of any of the smugness you might’ve been expecting from him. “Are you ready to believe me now?” he inquired drily, his voice carrying a caustic note.

You sighed and crossed your arms in front of your chest, leaning back slightly. Momentarily you dared to close your eyes - when you did, your eyelids felt weird against your eyes, the ache in your muscles seemed worse - you couldn’t help but sigh. “Maybe.”

Tobirama was rubbing his temples with his thumb and index finger when you were eyeing him again, the fingers of his other palm were drumming impatiently against the table. “A monumental progress, compared to earlier, I’d say,” he commented, still rather drily.

“I’ll just work on what paperwork I’ve left at home, then.”

His palm slammed so swiftly on the table you jolted in shock, concerned for the paper under his cup of tea. Luckily though, he had drunk enough of it already. However his gaze - the scarlet stare was burning from intensity again. He didn’t just look pissed - he was furious. “What is it going to take to make you rest? Lie in bed? Sleep?”

Your mouth hung slightly open at his sudden outburst. Of course, you had guessed he wasn’t pleased with your negligence of your symptoms, but this right now seemed rather over the top. “I can… read in bed?”

Tobirama continued to stare as though you had just suggested to strip naked and run through the village.

“It’s just reading, Tobi.”

“What’s so difficult about staying in bed and recovering?” he snapped, perfectly exasperated now. Suddenly he sucked in a sharp breath through his nose, ran a hand through his white, spiky hair and rose to his feet swiftly. “Alright. Let’s get you to bed first.” The tension in his tone was tangible and briefly, you contemplated just… humoring him. For a bit?

He rounded the table to offer you his hand in order to get up, which you gingerly took. With a courageous tug he helped you to your feet - and your vision blackened momentarily. You swayed forward; Tobirama already seized your waist with his free arm pulled you flush against his body to steady you. His deep voice was next to your ear when he spoke; your hand grasped his black shirt for support. “Y/n?”, he was done veiling the concern in his tone with fury.

You shook your head. “Just a brief dizziness.” Already, your vision cleared; though your heart still pounded in your ears. “I’m - I’m okay.”

Tobirama didn’t take time to comment that but rather started guiding you towards your shared bedroom. His frown was etched into his forehead again, his lips a tight line. All the time he’d glance over to you with his sharp glance, but the tension never left the taut muscle of his jaws. His arm remained tight around your waist for the whole way back to bed too; he wasn’t letting go at all. Not that you minded. You did feel a little bit wobbly, and even if it just was to humor him, you wouldn’t take any chances now. Once in the bedroom his grip turned utterly tender; carefully he helped you lie down and pulled the blanket up to your chin.

You gave a wistful sigh as your sore muscles finally got their rest again and the blanket was warming you. “Maybe… this isn’t such a bad idea, after all,” you mumbled, hopefully quiet enough Tobirama wouldn’t hear you.

He did, of course. With a dry chuckle he was already turning towards the window. “You’d be astonished how many good ideas I have, Y/n,” he quipped, closing the blends of the bedroom to render it a lot darker.

“How am I going to read like this?”, you promptly inquired, propping yourself up on your elbows again to rise in protest.

Tobirama cast a dark glare your way and instantly stalked over to your side again; sitting down on the bedside to push you back down onto the mattress with a certain kind of stern finality that still held a marvellous amount of gentleness to his touch. “You aren’t. Sleep now. I’ll leave you water and tea here and get you your documents later.”

With a sigh and yet another roll of your eyes you allowed him to pull the blanket up again once you were back on your back. “Are you, now.”

Tobirama rose to his feet again and simply regarded you with one quirked up eyebrow. “You are correct. We should wait and see how you are feeling later, actually.”

“You’re impossible. As if you’d be lying in bed just because of a little fever rather than work,” you bit back, perfectly miffed again.

Tobirama was unimpressed, though. “I’m being realistic. And unluckily for you, I’m not the one running a fever. Now, I have to drop off some documents for elder brother and check some other things at the office, then I’ll make sure to stick around,” he announced, but before you had any chance to tell him how truly, utterly, lucky you felt to have him hound your recovery, he was out of the door - which he closed, of course.

He had all but ignored your notion that he, in fact, would never stay in bed.

Well, maybe some sleep really would help you.

________

Tobirama’s steps were spurred on by the same urgency that he had coaxed you into bed with earlier in the morning. He despised that out of all the days at the Hokage’s office, today seemed to be tedious and slow going. Naturally, everyone around him was subject to his mood, but right now his patience was thinner than usual. As a result, everyone kept out of his way - which was good, because then he’d work quicker - but also bad, because some of these things he couldn’t finish alone. Did he feel bad for snapping at someone for a simple slip up in the inbox? Absolutely not. Order was vital. Or shouting that some instructions for the training regimens at the academy still had not been finished? Please, these things had been due for one day already.

If everyone just worked a tad faster -

It was futile.

He had to blame himself in part, really - he had been foolish enough to think he’d be done here swiftly and therefore had not left a shadow clone with you. Better yet, sent a shadow clone here to deal with these menial tasks as he had dubbed them by now.

But that admission of guilt didn’t exactly do anything to improve his mood. Right now, he was standing in front of his elder brother’s broad desk while he was signing off permits for the growing commercial district of the village. Once that was done - Tobirama could finally use his hiraishin seal to get out of here.

That also most likely was the reason he was staring Hashirama down like a hawk, arms crossed in front of his chest, muscles tense. The scarlet glare was dark enough, bystanders might think he’d go for his brother’s throat any time.

Hashirama wasn’t fazed in the slightest, though. Tobirama’s moods have long since stopped to really impress him. Now, he didn’t make a point of being extra slow, but he made sure to keep track of all these things he was supposed to sign.

Even so - “You seem extra sour today, Tobirama.”

“Really? Whatever made you notice, elder brother?”, he answered drily, physically restraining himself from barking at his brother to just keep reading and not talk to him.

Hashirama raised an eyebrow. “Are you going to tell me, or will you keep spewing sarcasm?”

Tobirama rolled his eyes and gazed at the ceiling momentarily - was there any point in delaying proceedings to tell him? But then again, maybe his brother could help. His gaze swept back to Hashirama. “Y/n is sick. I want to get back home quickly.”

Hashirama sat down the paper he’d been holding and furrowed his eyebrows. “Sick? What’s wrong?”

“She’s running a fever. Now, the quicker we finish, the quicker I’ll be back to check on her.” Tobirama’s grip on his arms tightened. While his brother’s concern was charming - it was just delaying his return to you. He was late anyway. What if you were worse off now? Inadvertently his mien darkened a fair deal, and the glare he regarded Hashirama with was nothing short of lethal now.

Hashirama’s concern wasn’t subsiding, either. “Then go. I can finish this alone. If I have any questions, I’ll ask you later. Do you want me to come by in the evening?”

Tobirama blinked. The suggestion was convenient - too convenient for his liking, almost. His duty towards the village came first. Hashirama’s even more so. You, on the other hand…

He pinched the bridge of his nose, clenching his teeth. Why was nothing ever easy? He hated himself for it right now, he didn’t want to say this - no, he wanted to say, ‘Very well, yes, thank you’ - but no. “The village comes first.”

Hashirama sighed - and then smiled. “Very well. Then I order you to get back home.”

Tobirama’s eyes widened slightly. His brother couldn't seriously be ordering him to - but no, actually he could. He opened his mouth to protest - but with a wave of his hand he dismissed himself. He’d take this gift for what it was. “Thank you, elder brother. It would be good if you visited later.”

He simply nodded. “Give Y/n my well wishes.”

Already, the world lurched around Tobirama as he invoked his hiraishin seal in your shared living room. And in the blink of a second, he was standing in it - heading straight for the bedroom. Finally. He should have been here much sooner.

Before he entered, he could hear it - wheezing sounds. Quiet, but laboured breaths from the room you should be resting in. And by the sounds of it, you had been - a miracle. He frowned. Or, a very bad sign. Your adherence to medical orders was almost as bad as Tobirama’s. He quickened his steps, his heartbeat uncomfortably fast now. “Curses,” he muttered under his breath - why, why had he not left a shadow clone with you?

With more force than intended he slid open the bedroom’s door. You still were in the bed, tucked in - and a fine sheen of sweat glistened on your skin. Your breaths were sounding rattled.

“Y/n,” Tobirama called, chastised almost, as though somehow it was your fault it had gotten this bad. The truth was he was shocked - utterly shocked - and worried. This wasn’t just a fever anymore; he didn’t need to examine you to know his hunch had been correct this morning: Pneumonia.

“Tobi…?”, came your slurred reply, the sheets rustled as you were sitting up.

Instantly he crossed the room to sit down at your side on the bed, his forehead drawn into a deep frown. You were glancing at him through glazed eyes, blinking a few times just before a coughing fit wrecked your entire body.

“M’sorry… Tobi…,” you whimpered after you were suitably recovered.

He had to blink at that. Were you apologizing? “What?” Tobirama’s hands grasped around your upper arms, he shook his head. “Lie down again, alright?” Your skin was scorching now. You whined uneasily again, tilting your head a little. “Y’sounded so mad right now… you were so mad this morning, too…”, you murmured, but you allowed Tobirama to coax you into lying down again, pulling the blanket over you. If the paleness was anything to go by, your blood pressure was low.

This wasn’t looking good.

“I’m - I’m not mad, love,” he churned out as his hand moved to your forehead to assess your condition again. What nonsense-

But before he could place it there, you had seized it with both palms and pressed it to your chest, your eyes comically wide now. “You’re… not mad? But… you were right… I think… I am a little sick, Tobi. Maybe?”

Tobirama couldn’t have prevented the coarse grunt he gave even if he had wanted to. “Not just a little, Y/n.” Gently, he tried to move his hand out of your grasp, but it only served to tighten it around it.

Your gaze was trained on him, and for a moment, you did nothing but stare. Tobirama’s frown deeped - then suddenly, you shook your head so slowly, he wondered if you even registered the movement. “Nah… You’re right… but I’m not that sick. You can be so… smug when you’re right…”, you mumbled - no, you … giggled?

Tobirama’s gaze widened slightly as you spoke. Had you taken any medicine that didn’t agree with you? Was the focus of your infection perhaps not the lung, but the brain? “... Y/n? May I examine you?”

Your lower lip quivered. “Tobi,” you wantonly moaned now. “I don’t… want you to be mad ‘cause I didn’t… believe you, though,” you gave a sigh - at least that’s what Tobirama thought you wanted to do - but it ended in more coughs.

With a cocked eyebrow he continued to observe the theater that unfolded before him, your grip on his hand was steely. At least your strength seemed to be faring well. The same couldn’t be said for your mind.

“You get so… snappy when you’re pissed,” you continued suddenly, your gaze sweeping down to the hand you clutched like a stuffed animal. Your thumbs started caressing it and your lips formed a small pout. “That’s kinda… exhausting… but also funny sometimes, you know? … your sarcasm, mhm…,” you continued, trailing off into more incoherent mumbling.

Tobirama restrained himself from rolling his eyes at your nonsense and simply opted for using his other hand if you weren’t going to relinquish the one you were cuddling now. Softly, he placed it on your cheek and closed his eyes. Already, his chakra began to graze over your network -

Except then you nuzzled into his touch, throwing off his focus. His eyes flew open. “Y/n,” he reprimanded sternly, “Let me focus for a moment here, alright?”

You hummed contently, though. “You’re always so… focused, Tobi… Super focused...”

Tobirama really fought to say his next words in the nicest way possible - “Y/n, you aren’t just hot right now, you are burning up, please let me-”

You giggled then suddenly, your face turning so the tip of your nose would brush over his palm. “You said it again.”

Tobirama huffed exasperatedly. “What?”

“I’m hot. You said I’m hot.” More giggles followed - which were interrupted by another coughing fit of yours. Surprisingly, you had the decorum to turn your face to the side Tobirama’s hand wasn’t facing.

However, Tobirama’s patience was running seriously thin - and the last thing he wanted to do was snapping at you of all people. Not to mention in your current state, you probably would not take it well. He didn’t think he could stomach you crying on top of all this.

But then you were nuzzling into his hand again as your hands kept coddling his other to your chest and Tobirama seriously wondered if there was no way to just… gently knock you off whatever trip you were on.

“Y/n,” he began sternly, “You’re seriously ill. I need to examine you now, alright? Will you please let me do that? And stop doing… that?”, he tried to keep his voice even, calm - pleading - but what came out was annoyed.

Your eyes widened instantly. “T-Tobi,” you stuttered, “I’m… s-sorry… you don’t think I’m hot…?”, you asked, as if that was the most important thing in the world right now.

With those doe eyes you were giving him, Tobirama was sure you were convinced it was.

He gritted his teeth.

His dignity didn't want to do this. His logic considered this a stellar idea, though.

“My love, you are the single, hottest being in the world. Nothing, not even a volcano, compares to your hotness. I see you, I feel you, and every time I’m in awe because of said hotness. I’d never, ever question just how hot you are,” he retorted instantly, with ground teeth, comically tilted up eyebrows and sheer desperation made him fall in line with your utter nonsense if this was what it took to make this work, somehow.

It did the trick. Your eyes lit up as though he’d just recited a love poem he’d carefully written, no, crafted just for you - in fact, he was surprised you weren’t reaching up to try and kiss him or something like that. Tobirama on the other hand was proud he hadn’t choked on the sheer idiocy he had just uttered.

“Tobirama,” you sobbed happily, grinning broadly. “I knew you do think so…”, you continued, nodding fiercely, “You sometimes give me these… stares… and when we-”

Tobirama’s eyes flew wide open. “Y/n?”

You stopped mid-sentence, your mouth open, eyes wide. “Yes?”

“Can my very hot wife keep still for a moment?”, he inquired, mustering all the pitiful shreds of his patience - and pride - that were left to make his baritone voice sugar-sweet.

Luckily, it worked. You smiled broadly and nodded before stilling completely.

Finally. His hand rested on your cheek more firmly now and once more he closed his eyes. Usually he’d let his chakra caress yours first, but right now he was convinced that’d just do all kinds of funny things to you, and before this could get any more embarrassing, he increasing the connection right away to begin examining you. His chakra pelted your network as the workings of your body were revealed to his inner eye: what had been subtle, and easy to miss this morning was a roaring fire now. Undoubtedly the source of your ‘hotness’ - your left lung’s upper lobe was ridden with infection. The whole area was stuffed with mucus. Your heart beat with an elevated frequency, and your blood pressure had dropped.

Surprisingly your brain showed no abnormality at all. It must be the fever talking, literally.

Providing serious medical support in cases of infection went beyond his combat medicine skills. All he could do was support your lung a little by clearing the alveoles a bit - letting his chakra chop away at the stuffed airways that were supposed to be free. Tedious, straining work that wouldn’t help permanently unless the root of the problem was tackled effectively, but it should make breathing easier and lower the burden of infection.

You on the other hand were making satisfied hums that barely reached his ears as he was sunken in his concentration, entirely wrapped up in the microscopic surgery he was performing, basically.

When he was finished - rather, when the labyrinth of your lungs’ smallest airways was beginning to drive him insane for how his chakra always seeped into yet another corner that was ridden with disease - he retreated.

By the time he opened his eyes, you were sleeping soundly - a fact he was thankful for. He needed to organise some antibiotic medicine for you, and somehow he had a distinct notion you wouldn’t take well to him leaving.

________

Luckily, medicine was easily available as was his brother’s aid - Hashirama came swiftly when a shadow clone of Tobirama’s informed him of your state. With his brother’s medical jutsu and the medicine, your recovery was fast. Around evening, your fever had gone down substantially.

By the next morning, the fever’s haze had cleared. Tobirama was sitting on the edge of the bed with a scroll in his lap as you were blinking slowly at him, wiping sleep out of your eyes. You felt uncomfortably warm - too warm. With a sweep of your arm, the pushed the blanket aside.

Tobirama looked up and his scarlet eyes mustered you intently. He raised an eyebrow, but the smirk that was plastered on his lips was reaching his glance. “How’s your hotness feeling?”

You rolled your eyes and groaned. “Too hot.”

The smirk became a sly grin as he bit back on laughter. You could tell by the way the corners of his mouth wrinkled. Already, he began to sit up, setting his scroll aside. “To think such a thing was possible - I’m in awe,” he supplied ironically, heading for the door.

Your eyebrows shot up. Time to strike back - it was one thing to quip about your silly remarks during your high fever, but he'd get his share, too. "And to think I made the very eloquent Tobirama Senju say things like not even a volcano compares to my hotness." The smirk on your lips grew as you watched the blood rush to your husbands cheeks.

It did the job. Instantly, his jaw was taut. "Y/n you are well aware I only said so because-"

"Everyday you are in awe because of my hotness. How lewd, Tobi," you continued, licking your lips.

He balled his fists, his expression darkened. "You were seriously ill and all you were concerned with was cuddling my hand and being complimented on your looks." Slowly, his arms crossed in front of his chest, his own smirk returning to his lips as he raised one eyebrow. "What does that say about your priorities?"

You turn up your palms and grinned boldly. "I'd say my priorities are damn fine. Just like my looks, as you testified," you winked and raised your hand to blow over a kiss at Tobirama.

Who caught it, entirely unfazed. The fine eyebrow arched even higher. "I'm glad at least one of us is thinking of the important things then," his tone was perfectly sarcastic now. He turned to leave again. "I'll still see what I can do to tame that incredible amount of hotness."

You whistled to call him back quickly. "Can't you come and lie here, use your calm and cool body for that?"

His head tilted to give you a glance from the side again, an eyebrow rising slowly. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

You flashed a grin. "I'd love it."

For a moment, Tobirama was silent. A fine, sly grin spread over his lips as he dipped his head towards you - his baritone voice soft. "Well, too bad for you. A couple of wet towels will do a lot better to lower your temperature than my body, which, by the way, is just a few degrees less, ah, hot than yours." With a wink of his own he was out of the bedroom’s door.

With a dissatisfied grunt, you slumped back into the bed.

Did he just call himself hot?

#tobirama #tobirama senju #tobirama x reader #tobirama senju x reader #sekhmet writes

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heyitsmerose · 3 years

Text

Letting Go

Pairing: Broken!Reader x Stranger!Yunho

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt Comfort

Word Count: 12.1k

Summary: You've never felt more down. Despite having a loving family and studying at a good school you still aren't happy. You may have many objective luxuries, but you don't have anyone to talk to. The stress from all around you is getting to you and you finally break. You can't take this anymore. Deciding to finally take matters into your own hands and end this for good, you go to your favourite bridge one last time to say your goodbyes to the world. Until someone stops you that is...

Warnings/Disclaimer: In no way do I mean to romanticise mental illness. Through this oneshot, I want to show depression and other mental heath issues for what they are. I will not sugar coat anything and will show them for how exhausting and painful they are. Again, I am not writing this to romanticise mental illness, rather provide comfort and create a safe space to talk about mental health. Remember, it's never too late to get help, and I'm always here for you. It can be as small as personally messaging me how you're feeling today, I'm here to listen :) This oneshot will obviously be talking about suicide, depression, obsession and mental health in general. If these topics trigger you, this oneshot may not be for you.

Suicide

Depression

Swearing

Mentions of Sexual Abuse

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Youtube Playlist

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*I've spent a few weeks on this, I'm sorry if there are spelling errors, I've read the entire thing maybe 5-6 times.

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Facing the window in front of you, you sighed. You felt numb. It was raining and was around 6 pm. It was cloudy outside and the rain made the sky a few shades darker than normal. One of your windows was opened and you could smell the rain. The earth smell that made you feel all giddy inside. Excitement used to bubble inside you whenever you recognized the familiar scent of the wet earth, it indicated that it was going to rain. You loved the rain. It felt so comforting and the sound of the raindrops calmed you. At least that's how it used to feel. Now, you feel numb. Unaware of your surroundings and unfazed by a natural phenomenon that once caused you joy.

You sighed looking outside. It was frustrating. The rain that once comforted you was now frustrating. The constant pitter-patter noises bothered you and you were unable to get anything done. You slammed the window shut with all the force you could muster and plopped yourself back on your chair, redirecting your attention to what was on the desk. Ahh right, you had homework to finish. The bright screen of your laptop burned your eyes and caused them to feel sore but you couldn't care less.

You had 2 essays due tomorrow and although that didn't sound like a lot it was just the tip of the iceberg. Not only did you have 2 essays to start (and finish on the same day), you also had an oral presentation you had to give tomorrow for your music class. You didn't have your presentation ready and you were presenting to over 50 other people.

You had everything you could have possibly wanted. Your parents were not too rich but you were quite well off with a duplex in a multi-story apartment. Your dad had a stable career and was the country manager of a company giving him a good amount of power. Your mother was a social butterfly and had many connections. They sent you to a private school and let you study what you wanted. Although you didn't have any close friends in school, you had a few people you sat with.

See? You had everything you could have possibly wanted but you were still miserable. You knew this wasn't normal. For the past few months, you felt numb. There wasn't a better word to describe it. You felt apathetic and unfazed by everything. You were slowly starting to lose interest in the things you once found thrilling and fun and felt disconnected from reality. Your own parents felt like strangers and you felt like you couldn't talk to them. In actuality, your parents were loving and provided you with everything you could have possibly wanted. They took really good care of you and regularly showed affection. They were also quite understanding and were easy-going and fun. The fact that your parents are so caring makes you feel all the more guilty about telling them. You can't tell anyone.

You huffed, running your hands through your hair roughly. You gripped the roots of your hair and began to feel it again. The feeling of darkness creeping into your mind.

"what's the point of this?"

"I want this to stop"

"When will it get better?"

"Does it ever get better?"

In all honesty, you felt hopeless. You had to begin and finish 2 whole essays and prepare your presentation. Listening to music, eating anything, or even taking a break were useless, they would just distract you. You chewed the end of your pencil enough to make the end of it dent. Your teeth hurt but you continued doing so. At least the physical pain would distract you from this crazy workload. Or so you thought... You began to type on your laptop. You were writing your mid-term paper and were given the freedom to pick whatever topic you wanted as long as you felt like it expressed your emotions.

You typed the first thing that came to mind.

"I want to escape. I keep wanting for this to stop, I keep expecting everything to get better. It never does. It's an endless cycle of work and just more work. I feel like a robot and in all honesty, the lack of emotion is the only thing I'm feeling"

Your face had a stoic expression as your fingers fluttered across the keyboard. The gentle noise of keys clicking was the only thing heard for another hour or so. You didn't take any breaks and just wanted to get it done. At this point, you didn't care if it was good or even decent, you just wanted to get it done. That was very unlike you though. You were no topper, but you considered yourself quite hardworking and diligent. You were slowly falling behind though, but you couldn't care less. You just wanted to get it over with.

In the essay you wrote, you didn't get too personal, you simply wrote about your feelings and personified them. You spoke about your feelings as if they were an obstacle in your way. Despite being quite specific, you made it seem as though you were not talking about yourself. You fixed up the grammar and printed out your paper, stapling it, ready to submit it tomorrow. You looked outside and by now it was way darker. It was around 8:30 and it was time for dinner.

You went downstairs to get your plate of dinner and greeted your mom.

"Y/n, you're finally here, I almost forgot you were even living in this house" She chuckled and your dad joined in. You didn't laugh though.

"Hey, cheer up, your mom was just kidding, is everything alright?" Your dad chimed in.

In all honesty, you knew your mom didn't mean it, she was just kidding, but mocking you for the amount of workload you had didn't seem right. The question by your dad, however, completely caught you off guard. In your heart, you knew you weren't. You noticed how you started drifting off and spacing out while someone was talking to you. You noticed how you stopped feeling joy and noticed how you never had time for anything but school. Your face was glued to the ground and you nodded. You didn't want to lie, but you couldn't help it. You'd feel guilty for possibly making them feel like it was their fault.

Your parents both just sighed and your mom held your hand. She brought you to sit at the dining table and looked at you with nothing but love in her eyes.

"Y/n... We know something is bothering you. You know you can tell us anything right?" Your mom asked as she cupped your cheek. You looked back up at her and saw both of your parents looking at you worriedly.

You could feel the back of your eyelids stinging. Your throat got dry and you felt a burning in your nose. This was it. This was your chance to finally tell them how you felt. You wanted to tell them everything. From how you felt incompetent, to the constant stress and pressure. You wanted to finally break down your walls and tell them that you lacked the feelings you felt before. But you couldn't. The lump in your throat grew and you felt the corners of your eyes getting wetter. You couldn't get any words out. You badly wanted to just let it all out, but the words were stuck in your throat.

You also couldn't just break down all of a sudden or they would get really worried. You couldn't let them watch you break down. You would never forgive yourself if they ever thought the way you were feeling was because of them.

You simply sucked in a deep breath of air and looked away before they noticed anything was wrong.

"I just have a lot of work. I have more to do though, so if you could excuse me." You said, your voice wavering as you walked away from them.

"What about your dinner?" Your mom asked pointing at the counter. You just sighed and picked up a plate of food. Your hands trembled and your lip quivered from the overwhelming situation and you rushed to your room as fast as you could. As soon as you left, your mom just sighed and looked at your dad and her face showed immense concern. He brought her into his warm embrace reassured her. You would come to them when the time was right. You would eventually tell them what was bothering you. right? Although you didn't want them to feel guilty, they already did.

The second you reached your room upstairs you locked the door behind you. You tossed the food into the dustbin near your desk and put the plate aside. You felt guilty. Every day your mom would make you a full course meal only for you to throw it away without even having a bite. You couldn't help it though. You had a lot of work to do and eating was not your first priority. Besides, you already had lunch. This was not a rare occurrence. You would usually skip breakfast and dinner, directly eating lunch. Your stomach growled but you couldn't care less.

You rushed into the bathroom in your room and closed the door behind you. Your back slid down the door and your hands flew to your face. You almost blew your cover. It was quite an overwhelming situation. Your hands covered your mouth as the first sob wracked through your body. You were lucky that you were in the bathroom, in your room, on the second floor, it was practically impossible for anyone to hear you.

Your hands moved up to your hair as you gripped it tightly in between your fingers. Slowly, more cries came out. The bathroom echoed with your sobs and heavy breathing. You tried muffling your cries to no avail. You sobbed loudly while you shoved your palm against your mouth trying to stop yourself from crying but nothing worked. You tried digging your fingernails into your palm to distract yourself from all the emotional pain with physical pain but it still didn't work.

You tried breathing steadily only to break out into sobs a few seconds later. You let out gut-wrenching sobs that had been bottled up for too long now. Your throat was raw and your nose was red.

"Make it stop" You whispered to yourself. Were you being dramatic? Were you overreacting? You didn't know and you didn't care. Your sobs slowly died down but your hands were still clamped over your mouth trying to get them to stop completely.

After a few minutes, you went to wash your face. You noticed your eyes were red and your hair was not in a bun anymore but was now all over the place. You sighed and washed your face with cold water trying to remove any traces of that sudden breakdown. Besides, you just wasted around 20 minutes of your time, crying when you could have been working and finishing off your other essay.

You didn't care to change your clothes and sat back on your desk. You sighed and looked out the window again. The rain had died down and there was now just a cool breeze. A layer of mist had collected after the rain coating the trees and plants outside. Despite living in the city, your window faced a big green space. In the mornings there were usually only around 3 people at max, making it quite empty. At night it was even more serene and lonely.

You drew shapes on your windows while trying to think of a topic to write your essay about. Your second essay was supposed to be an analysis report about any experiment of your choice.

You chose to write about the expectancy-value theory.

The Expectancy Value Theory suggests that motivation for a given behavior or action is determined by two factors: (i) expectancy, ie, how probable it is that a wanted (instrumental) outcome is achieved through the behavior or action; (ii) value, ie, how much the individual values the desired outcome.

You scoffed as you read it. Lies. All you've been taught to do is the work you've been given in school. You didn't want to do it. You didn't find it interesting and you couldn't care less about failing if it was up to you. The only reason you were working was because school wanted you to. If you had the option, you would gladly stop. So no, the expectancy-value theory, in your mind was not correct, since for some people, ie. you, motivation didn't come from yourself, rather it came in the form of forced requirements from others. Others have high expectations and expect good quality work from you, but if you were given the choice, you would take care of yourself instead of focussing so much on your studies. The expectancy theory, in your mind, as false as the only thing influencing you to work was other people forcing you.

You decided that was the perfect thesis for your essay and began to write. Although the point of the essay was to discuss the findings of the experiment, you went in a different direction. You wrote your entire essay about disproving that stupid experiment. You didn't discuss the data results but instead countered them with your own data. After another hour or so of aggressive typing and writing shit about Martin Fishbein, you decided you were finally done and decided to finish off your essay. You were happy with the way it turned out, although it was certainly not what was asked of you.

You wrapped up your essay by simply restating your points and you printed that too. By this point, it was already 11 pm and although you weren't sleepy, you just wanted to get this over with and rest. Your final task for tomorrow was your music presentation. All you had to do was pick your favorite classical piece and write a bit about it.

Music was one of the only hobbies you liked. You took pride in composing and making music, however, your school had ruined it for you. The only things they made you do were to analyze pieces of music and discuss the elements of music and their implication. You never got to actually compose or make your own music so you started to dread it as a subject too.

You picked up the first piece that came to mind. Dvorak's 'Humoresque'. Wow, how original, you thought. You began to listen to the piece and understand it better. As a kid, this used to be your favorite piece. Now? It just feels bland. It doesn't feel the way it used to. You began scribbling a few quick points about the song before beginning your presentation.

After taking notes, you finally began working on your presentation. In total, it took around 4 hours to finish and it was exactly 4 am. You sighed and uploaded your presentation to a pen drive before packing up your bag for school.

You had to be up for school by 7 anyway, so you'd get 2-3 hours of sleep at max. You hopped into bed as soon as you were done, not caring about putting anything back or even changing your clothes.

Unfortunately, unlike you hoped, you weren't able to fall asleep as soon as your head crashed onto the pillow. Instead, your mind preoccupied with other things was way too clouded with stressful thoughts to let you relax enough to fall asleep.

You tossed and turned in bed as your stomach growled. You huffed and tried blocking out the feeling. You didn't regret skipping dinner, it was necessary to finish off your work. You sighed and closed your eyes, trying to sleep. You lied for at least 10 minutes simply doing nothing. You tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, but nothing worked. Your mind was simply too preoccupied to let you rest. you closed your eyes trying to calm yourself, only for your thoughts to go back to yesterday evening. You remembered the short conversation with your parents and how they seemed genuinely concerned. Did they know what was happening to you? They were your parents, after all, they probably figured something was wrong.

Thinking about your relationship with them, you felt guilty. You realized how your conversations were never longer than 5-10 minutes and you were always the one to cut them short. You didn't spend as much time with them as you used to, instead of dedicating all your time to studying.

All of a sudden, you remembered how they used to take care of you when you were a child. You remembered the first time they taught you how to ride a bike, your first day of school, and your middle school graduation. You can't remember the last time you all were together as a family and enjoyed yourselves. You were usually too busy and you regretted it.

Unconsciously, you sniffled, your eyes getting watery again. You huffed, roughly wiping and rubbing your eyes, embarrassed that all it took for you to get emotional was a few memories. You sighed shakily, trying to get your thoughts away from that, or else you knew you'd have another breakdown. Still not being able to fall asleep for another 45 minutes, you gave up.

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You got up and checked your phone, only to see that the time was 6:30 am. How perfect. You didn't bother combing your hair and tied a messy bun, too tired and too unbothered to even attempt to look decent. You hopped into the bathroom, brushing your teeth and grabbing a towel. You looked back into the mirror as you did yesterday during your mini breakdown. You had dark circles under your eyes, your eyes were red and your nose was tinted pink. You couldn't care less though.

You hopped into the shower and turned the temperature to max coldness, trying to wake yourself up to make yourself look less tired and well... less dead. You shivered at the temperature but bared it for the sake of looking slightly presentable and more awake.

You grabbed your soap and began to lather some on your hands. A few seconds later though, you felt a mild stinging sensation on both of your palms. You quickly washed away the soap as it was starting to burn and inspected your hands. Your palms. They were bruised and cut slightly. You stared at your palms and the crescent-shaped cuts on both of your palms. There were exactly 4 crescent-shaped cuts on each palm with a bunch of bruising around it. You realized it was from digging your fingernails into your palms yesterday. You did so in an attempt to stop crying but it didn't work. Oh well, now you have this to worry about as well, could your life get any worse? You made sure to carefully lather on the soap being wary of the cuts on your palms.

After you took a bath and got ready, you made sure to double-check that you had packed both your essays and the presentation pen drive. After confirming, you grabbed your backpack and hurried downstairs. Although you felt guilty for randomly rushing out during dinner, you didn't want to confront your parents. The nerves from your upcoming presentation were creeping up onto you and you were beyond terrified. You didn't feel hungry and didn't want any confrontation.

You quickly hurried down the stairs and avoided your parents' eyes. At this point, it had become regular for you to leave the house without a word. Your mom wouldn't bother too much since she knew you'd usually buy yourself something to eat at school itself. Or so she thought. It was a lie you told her a long time ago. Despite this, due to your unfinished conversation yesterday you feared they would come after you or confront you so you avoided them at all costs and rushed outside. Lucky for you, your parents didn't mind too much and carried on with what they were doing.

Outside, you noticed how the mist from yesterday had settled and was now fogging up the roads slightly. The mist collected on the grass on the side of the sidewalks in the form of dewdrops and you could smell the same earthy smell. You checked your phone once to get a glimpse of the time and realized you were quite early. Despite this, you still couldn't calm your nerves.

You gripped both straps of your backpack, not lifting your head. You stared at the ground kicking small pebbles along your way. The entire walk to school was quite uneventful and not too interesting. You mainly stayed on the same side of the sidewalk and luckily nothing came in your way. It was a 5-7 minute walk to school since you lived quite close to school and didn't see the point in wasting gas.

Once you reached your school, you tried ignoring everyone in your way, just trying to submit your essays. You were quite nervous and just wanted to remove some burden from your shoulders so submitting your essays early in the morning would be the best option. You rushed into the school building immediately setting your target on your science class that was a few floors up.

Fortunately, the hallways and stairways were mostly empty with just a few teachers and staff and maybe 5-7 students. That was one of the perks of being this early, you could get things done freely without being rushed by the students. You decided to stop at the principles office first, and then drop off your science essay.

You had to drop off your mid-term essay outside the principles office where a few teachers were collecting them. You made your way to the outside of your principal's office to drop off your paper. While walking there, the pace of your heart quickened, although you were simply dropping off your essay, something about being this close to the principles office didn't sit right with you. As you got closer you could feel the tingly feeling in your stomach, caused by the nerves. You carefully walked right in front of the drop-off desk and greeted the teacher. You were asked to fill in your name and the date dropped off, so you were handed a pen.

You were mindful not to let the pen put pressure against the cuts in your palm, but couldn't help but wince softly as the pen brushed against them as you picked it up. The teacher simply looked at you and you forced a smile. As soon as you dropped off your essay, you rushed away from there as soon as possible to a less scary area.

You made your way to your science class and dropped off your essay about expectancy value and took your seat in class. You were quite proud of the essay you wrote since you felt like you portrayed your opinion quite well. You also had science first period anyways, so you took your usual seat near the window in the front of the class and started to unpack.

You waited for at least 10 to 15 minutes before your science teacher came into class. He wasn't surprised that you were early since you usually came quite early. When you noticed he entered class, you immediately averted eye contact and looked somewhere else. In all honesty, your science teacher scared you.

All the other girls gushed over how he was just 5 or 6 years older than you and was handsome. You didn't see what they saw in him as you knew he had ulterior motives. You noticed the blatant sexism in class and how he always paid more attention to the girls, explaining it to them in detail while just brushing off the guys. You noticed how whenever everyone left class, he would stare at the exposed legs of the female students caused by the knee-length skirt that was a part of the school uniform. You noticed how he would favor the girls in general, letting them have their way, even letting them use their phones in class from time to time.

Although he hadn't made any advances, he was still really sleazy in general, and the very thought of him creeped you out. You didn't have too many personal encounters with him, just a few weird looks here and there, so you tried to avoid him as much as you could. When he noticed that you were not paying attention to him he sighed and collected his things. Usually, he would simply leave you alone, knowing school would start soon, but since the both of you were quite early he tried making conversation.

"Hey Y/n, Good morning!" He said all of a sudden. You whipped your head up, surprised that he was talking to you since he had never done so before.

"Hi" You hesitantly replied making sure to not seem too nervous, but also look a little busy so he would leave you alone.

"How's everything going? Are you feeling okay?" Although you knew he asked you that question simply wanting to ask you how you were feeling, you couldn't help but think to last night when you had a similar conversation with your parents.

"U-um, I'm fine, yeah, I'm good" You stuttered, diverting your attention elsewhere indicating you were done with the conversation.

He simply sighed and sat back down on top of his desk. He noticed that you had submitted your science essay/report and decided to read a bit of it before class started hopefully to give you someone on one feedback.

He picked up the paper and the rustling of the pages alerted you. You looked back at him only to notice that he was reading your essay. You felt nauseous and giddy all of a sudden. He wasn't supposed to be reading your essay now, especially in front of you. Your mouth got dry and you tried to calm yourself. You looked away so he wouldn't notice your stare as he continued reading for the next 2 or 3 minutes.

You looked back at him from time to time and noticed how his eyebrows were scrunched. You saw his somewhat disappointed expression and your stomach dropped. Was your essay not okay? Was he going to fail you? Your breaths got shallower and you looked around trying to calm yourself. All of a sudden, your science teacher spoke.

"Y/n, this was not what was asked of you" He stated matter-of-factly. You felt frustrated and embarrassed and your heart was in your throat. You tried clearing your throat to be able to speak. You looked back up at him, finally making eye contact, and gulped.

"I don't- I don't understand, I did what was-" You finally got out, only to be interrupted by him again.

"No, you didn't. It seems like you're disproving the experiment instead of proving it true. Meet me after class, we can discuss how to fix it." He stated, looking at you with a distressed smile. You forced back a smile and quickly looked away.

Eventually, students began to fill up the class and around 10 minutes after that dreadful conversation, the class had finally started. Unfortunately for you, you kept spacing out and couldn't pay attention to what was being taught due to your mind lingering on your stupid science essay. You began to think it was your fault. Maybe you hadn't studied hard enough? Maybe you just weren't smart enough? You put your head down and proceeded to bear the next 85 minutes or so, absentmindedly.

Luckily for you, your teacher hadn't called on you even once. He simply kept teaching and asking other students questions. You noticed how he tried to make jokes from time to time while all the girls giggled, and although your head was down, you knew he most likely had a smug smile on his face. You scoffed and kept getting lost in your thoughts. After what felt like an eternity, you finally through the class.

Now, it was time to finally confront your science teacher after class and you were not looking forward to it. You acted as if you were packing your bag so the other students wouldn't suspect anything. The last thing you wanted was for them to think you were spending time outside class with your science doing god knows what.

After everyone left, you sat back at your desk and waited for him to call on you, or notice you hoping, to get this over with as soon as possible. He grabbed your paper again and went through it again. You sighed and looked down. He slowly shifted his gaze towards you and ushered for you to grab a chair and sit next to his desk.

You huffed and picked up your chair dragging it to his desk. You plopped it down and took a seat on it. He sighed and brought his chair next to yours sitting on it as well. He began to explain that the experiment that he expected was a 'scientific' one with tangible results instead of a "social experiment" to quote directly. You huffed getting annoyed, how could he say that psychological studies weren't as valid? They were equally important. You sighed and looked away getting frustrated.

He wanted to explain it better, and went to get his pen that was next to you. Instead of asking you to give it to him, like a normal person, he rested his hand on your knee, reaching over to get it. On the outside, you kept your cool but inside you were freaking out. You glared daggers at his hand which was on your knee and didn't lift your gaze, as if staring at his hand was going to make him take it off.

Even after he reached over and got his pen, his hand was still on your thigh. He began to talk about some random experiment but you weren't paying attention. Why wasn't he taking his hand off you? You tried adjusting and moving your leg, crossing them over, to get him to let go, but his grip was firm.

"Hey, Y/n are you listening?" He clarified all of a sudden. You slowly pulled your gaze away from your knee and looked him dead in the eye. You glared at him, indicating you didn't want this. Despite this, he just didn't know when to stop, did he?

"Hey, calm down, what's wrong?" He asked sincerely. If only his actions reflected the same care, you knew he knew what he was doing. In an attempt to calm you down, his hand moved further up, grasping your thigh. You gasped and looked up at him with your mouth agape.

"Let go." You said sternly, you knew he was your teacher but he had to know his limits.

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that, it's alright," He said, the grip on your thigh becoming tighter. No, this was most definitely not okay. Due to the thin fabric of your school uniform skirt, you could feel his hand completely. You scrunched your eyebrows in disgust as you tried scooting backward. He got up though, towering over your shorter figure. You tried pulling away only for him to grip tighter.

"I didn't do anything" He stated firmly, grasping your wrist. He held your wrist tightly, not letting go. You cowered under him, still trying to pull yourself away.

"You don't want this?" He asked shamelessly. You shook your head rapidly, tears stinging in your eyes. He scoffed, roughly releasing your arm. You sighed, instantly getting as far away from him as possible, grabbing your backpack. You quickly shoved your remaining stationery in the first zip you found and threw your backpack over your shoulder, rushing out.

As you were about to leave though you heard him speak up again.

"Do not speak of this to anyone. I'm afraid I will have to fail you for this paper" He said trying to make you feel guilty. You couldn't care less though, without looking back, you nodded your head and left the class.

You cleared your throat as it had closed up. You realized you were crying in the middle of the hallway, so you quickly rushed to the toilet. Luckily, no one saw you, but you still wanted to get away, to freshen yourself up. You splashed water on your face trying to forget what happened in class a few minutes ago.

After that terrifying incident with your science teacher, the rest of the day was quite uneventful. You eventually got through your other subjects including music, and your presentation was a disaster. You weren't able to pay attention to what you were saying since your mind was still in different places. You stuttered your words and kept repeating the same thing.

Your peers realized you were distracted and your teacher knew you were bothered since your presentations were usually quite clear and informative. Thus, this time, they decided to let you off the hook. You were thankful that no one commented on that crappy presentation and simply went back to your seat.

Since you had music for the last period itself you were able to call it a day right after. You decided to skip your after-school commitment since you simply had too much on your mind.

After that shitty day, you decided to try to get your mind off of it by taking a walk in the green space near your apartment. You knew that it would mostly be empty right now as it was a weekday and because it was almost 4 pm, meaning it would most likely rain again.

You were still 5 minutes away from home, so you decided to walk home to the green space nearby. The entire walk there was quite silent. You took this time to try to process and understand the emotions you were feeling. It was getting fairly chilly due to the cold breeze, wind, and mist blowing. You folded both of your arms, rubbing them up and down, trying to get rid of the coldness.

The walk was quite short and you reached there in no time. Since the green area was right in front of your apartment, you could see your window from it. As soon as you reached, you saw your car leaving the apartment. Peeking around the corner, you realized it was your car. Your dad must have just left to go see your grandparents. You tried to hide a little, just in case. If your mom saw you here she would be disappointed that you lied to your dad about meeting your teacher after school.

You found a bench that faced away from your window just in case, so no one from your apartment could see your face. By the time, you found a good spot and settled and sat down, it was around 4:30 pm. You didn't really have a reason for coming to the park. You simply wanted to get your mind off of school, the workload, the stress, and what happened in the morning, so now that you were here, you didn't know what to do. Fortunately, tomorrow was slightly lighter. You didn't have any assessments due tomorrow, but you wanted to check in with your peers to ask them what you missed in the after-school session today and revise that before tomorrow.

Other than that though, you didn't know what to do. Due to this, you ended up spacing out. You simply sat on the bench rubbing your knees from the freezing wind from time to time just staring into the abyss. Quite honestly, it didn't feel forced, awkward or uncomfortable, it felt... calming. You felt a lot of comfort in the fact that you could just take time to process everything. Your way of doing that? Sitting out in the cold breeze, staring at nothing, mind blank. It didn't feel like a waste of time and you definitely didn't regret spending your time gazing at the nature.

Ever since you were young, you had a habit of counting the birds in trees or on the ground. Today was no different. Now that you were out in the nature, it made it easier to count them. You didn't do it for any particular reason, it was just a way of coping and de-stressing. You sat for a good 2 hours just observing everything around you and not doing anything. This included counting birds, staring into nothingness, daydreaming, and spacing out. You were suddenly interrupted by a honking car nearby.

You checked the time and realized it was 6 already. You freaked out and instantly got up, picking your bag. You didn't even realize it had started to drizzle and your sweater/school uniform started collecting water in the form of small droplets. You grabbed your bag, slinging it over your back, walking home, which was just a minute away, right opposite the park. You looked around making sure nobody saw you. Although you quite liked sitting out and simply doing nothing, you could understand how other people might have thought you were absolutely crazy for sitting out and doing nothing for 2 and a half hours.

You sighed looking around. You didn't want to go home just yet and didn't have anywhere else to go. The rain started getting a little heavier and you just gave up, looking up at the sky. Your clothes instantly clung to your figure and you shivered at the coldness.

You decided to take a walk around the nearby neighborhood since you didn't have anywhere else to go. This was actually quite rare. You usually never had the time to come outside and think about your life or reflect on anything as you were always cooped up in your bedroom doing work.

You huffed, rubbing your hands together. By now, your hair and clothes were drenched and your face was covered in water drops. You decided to visit the Mapo bridge to view the Han river from above. Ever since childhood, it was one of your favorite places as you were able to see the Han river below you, the Yeongdeungpo district to your left, and the Mapo district to your right. It had always been a calming sight.

It would take around 10-15 minutes to get there by car from your house but since you didn't really have access to a car right now, you had to walk. You knew it would take at least 45 minutes to get there but you still didn't care.

Unlike the two hours you spent at the park doing literally nothing, this felt different. You thought about the events happening in your life over the past few days, weeks, and months deciding to reflect on them during your journey.

You thought about your parents. How they always welcomed you with open arms while you often gave them the cold shoulder. You felt guilty that was for sure.

You thought about your friends. You had no close friends and the ones you had were slowly starting to drift away. You hadn't sat with them or even talked to them in over 2 weeks.

You thought about your studies. How you always stayed up late doing homework and taking notes while it never paid out. Instead, your crappy work just got you in more trouble.

You thought about the incident with your teacher today. How he touched you inappropriately and gripped your thigh. You shivered, pulling your skirt down slightly.

Unconsciously, tears had started to fall from your eyes. Luckily it was raining so nobody noticed anything too out of place. Despite this, you definitely got some weird stares. At first, the tears were silent. Your face was stoic while tears poured out of your eyes. Eventually though, recalling the painful memories and feelings was too much and your eyebrows furrowed. Your bottom lip trembled as you tried to contain your cries. It started off as light whimpers and occasional gasps.

You rubbed at your eyes and felt yourself losing control. Your cries got louder and you had to clasp a hand over your mouth. At this point, you didn't really care about anything else in the world and were overwhelmed by pain.

You threw your backpack onto some random chair god knows where, and continued walking. No without your backpack you felt freer, and both your hands flew to your face, as you walked in the cold rain.

Meanwhile, you had reached Mapo bridge and began to walk across the pedestrian section. Since it was raining, almost no one was on the bridge and you could finally let your emotions out freely. Your gasps got louder and you let out a strangled sob. Your hands flew to your face trying to cover it up, only for it to be followed by more cries.

As you walked to the middle of the bridge, stumbling across your steps not paying attention to what you were doing. You read the signs on the bridge.

"많이 힘들었구나" (It must be very hard)

"잘 지내지" (How are you)

"파란 하늘을 봐 봐" (Look at the blue sky)

They were mocking you. It was hard, you were not okay and nothing could make this pain better. Your eyes unconsciously closed your eyes and you let out a string of sobs. You choked on your tears, covering your face with your hands sobbing into them.

You rubbed at your eyes but nothing would stop this pain. You looked up at the Han river and thought for a moment. You looked down over the railing of the bridge and noticed the drop.

This was your chance. This was your chance to let go of all your pain and finally be free.

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Yunho was out with his friends. It was a rainy day and he had just gotten back from practice. On rainy days such as this one, he would often simply go on a drive with Hongjoong, Seonghwa, and Wooyoung. They were the three that enjoyed the rain and loved going on long drives. Their building was in Mapo but they decided to take a drive over to Yeongdeungpo since they had the rest of the day off.

The Mapo bridge was actually quite empty today. There weren't any cars or any people on the bridge. Since this was quite a rare occurrence, they decided to savor the moment and drive slowly enjoying their playlist while listening to the rain.

Wooyoung was driving while Seonghwa and Yunho were in the back, eating snacks and Hongjoong was picking a playlist. After popping a gummy bear in his mouth, Yunho decided to look outside and observe the Han river. All of a sudden though, around a hundred meters in front of their car near the left railing, a moving figure caught his eye. He was surprised that anyone would be out in the rain at this time. As they got slightly closer he realized they didn't have an umbrella either. As the car got even closer he realized that the figure was a girl. Your hair was drenched and so were your clothes. He stared at you weirdly wondering what on earth you were doing. You simply slid down the railing sitting on the floor, sobbing your eyes out and Yunho's eyes widened. He realized you were crying as your entire body was shaking with sobs and your hands were over your face.

He suddenly felt the urge to help and spoke up.

'Woo, slow the car for one second" He whispered softly and Wooyoung simply looked back and Yunho shrugging. He obliged and slowed down the speed of the car. Yunho continued to observe you. He didn't want to get out of the car since it was raining and he didn't have an umbrella but continued to watch you.

He watched the way your hands came up from your face and you gripped the roots of your hair. He watched how you tried to cover up your cries by cupping your hand over your mouth from time to time only for your to cry harder as your eyes squinted shut.

While they were driving past slowly, everyone was minding their own business while Yunho was still staring at you. Hongjoong had realized how Yunho was giggly before and then became silent all of a sudden and decided to check up on him. Hongjoong looked up at Yunho from the rear mirror, only to find his gaze locked on something outside. Hongjoong followed his gaze and found you as well. He saw that you were crying and stayed silent not knowing what to do.

Yunho was still looking at you and didn't notice how his leader was now also intrigued. He noticed how you roughly rubbed at your eyes getting up. He thought that you were done crying and that this was just a mini breakdown. Besides, everyone had bad days and maybe your way of letting it out was crying in the rain. Hongjoong averted his eyes as he saw you get up, giving you some privacy while Yunho kept his gaze locked on you.

He noticed how you were now facing the railing and looking out at the river. All of a sudden though, he saw you take off your shoes and a sudden wave of urgency washed over him.

"Stop the car!" He yelled at Wooyoung, while everyone in the car visibly flinched at his sudden voice, looking at him with concern. Wooyoung abruptly stopped the car, causing everyone to jerk slightly. The door immediately flew open and Yunho ran out of the car not caring whether his clothes got wet. Seonghwa had gasped and scooted to Yunho's side, peeking through, looking at what was going on.

Meanwhile, Yunho's intuition was correct. He knew something was wrong and the second you took off your shoes, he knew what you were trying to do. After you took off your shoes, you firmly grasped the railing of the bridge, hoisting yourself up, to sit on it. You looked around you, making sure no one was watching, although you didn't care at this point. Your mind was made up.

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You slowly scooted to the end of the railing, your hand tightly gripping the railing. You looked down, all that was below you was a 60-foot drop and lots of water. You sighed out shakily and looked back one last time. Your hands slowly let go and you breathed in a deep breath of air. You looked up at the sky and let out a wave of sobs before pushing yourself off the railing.

You expected to immediately feel the cold breeze hitting you as you fell over the bridge but you didn't. Instead, you felt a strong force pulling you backward.

The back of your head roughly collided with the concrete ground of the bridge and you let out a yelp. You looked around you processing your surroundings. You expected to be in the water by now, taking your final breaths. Instead, you were still back on the bridge and you fell back instead of forward.

You looked around suddenly, gripping the back of your head wanting to know who or what the fuck stopped you from doing so. Although you were mad you couldn't help but cry.

You sat up on the ground, knees close to your chest as you covered your hands and sobbed. You let out such painful cries, guttural noises, filled with pain. You cried, each cry letting out more sorrow than the last.

Little did you know, someone was scanning all your actions on the side, not knowing how to process the situation that just happened. He just witnessed someone who almost committed suicide.

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The second, he realized you took off your shoes, he knew that you were going to jump. It was a common occurrence, especially on this bridge. His intuition was proven correct when he saw you hoist yourself onto the railing. You were going to jump.

His body was moving on its own at that point and kicked the door open, rushing out as fast as possible. He didn't care about his clothes or his very expensive shoes, keeping only one goal in mind. As you scooted closer to the edge of the railing his heart stopped. He sprinted to the railing as fast as he could, almost slipping along the way. He roughly wrapped his big arms around your waist and he yanked you backward. He fell back onto the bridge and let go of your waist, catching his won fall, while you simply fell backward with force.

As you broke down in front of him, he felt a stinging in his heart. By now, Hongjoong and Seonghwa had also stepped out of the car with an umbrella, a little more cautious as they stood near the car itself, giving you a little space.

Yunho decided to slowly make a move to check up on you. He called out softly, but you didn't hear him.

"Excuse me?" He asked carefully, bottom lip caught in between his teeth from nervousness. You couldn't hear him over the rain and your sobs and frankly didn't care about anything else but the overwhelming pain in your heart.

He looked around nervously, before lifting a hand. He hesitantly brought it closer to you, doubting whether to touch you. He was wondering if you'd be comfortable, but he really wanted to help. He resorted to gently tapping your shoulder with his hands to alert you of his presence.

The second you felt his touch you immediately flinched, not noticing another person's presence. You looked up at him, before clasping your hand over your mouth. Although you knew that it was futile at this point, you still tried your best to cover up your sobs. You let out a string of sobs before squeezing your eyes shut and muttering apologies nonstop.

You kept stopping yourself with your cries but continued to whisper apologies. Yunho's eyes widened as he rapidly shook his head. Why on earth were you apologizing to him? As you looked up at him he noticed how strands of your wet hair clung to your face, your swollen and red eyes as well as your pink-tinted nose. He knew you must have been crying for a long time as your eyes reflected nothing but pain as they were completely bloodshot.

"Hey, hey, hey, I've got you" He whispered as he started patting your back. You nodded as you scooted closer. At this point, you didn't care how you were acting, simply trying to process what was happening. You pulled yourself together trying to get words out.

"May, I lean on you?" You softly whispered, voice breaking in the middle. Yunho hesitantly agreed, opening his arms up for you. You broke down again. You knew that you had been crying a lot that day, and maybe you were overreacting a bit, but in the heat of the moment, you simply couldn't stop.

You leaned into his warm chest taking in his musky scent that was slowly being washed away by the rain as he slowly crept a hand up to your back, rubbing it up and down.

"I'm here, I've got you, You're alright" He whispered into your hair. He knew you weren't in the right mind, but let you have your way just for now. You scrunched his now wet hoodie in your smaller fists as you tried to regain your composure.

You pulled away from a little embarrassed and looked away, knowing very well that he had already seen you, so there was no point. Yunho scooted further a little embarrassed too.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked softly and you shook your head, looking back up at him. You were surprised to see that his nose was slightly pink and his eyelashes were glistening in tears too. You felt guilty and apologized, a little embarrassed.

"I'm sorry for upsetting you," You said all of a sudden, and he shook his head rapidly.

"No, please don't apologize. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be in to want to take your own life." He whispered the last part, still not wanting to agitate you. You nodded and backed away. Yunho suddenly then realized the situation he was in, it was raining and the coldness was starting to get to him, he couldn't even imagine how much pain you must have been in to completely feel numb to it.

"It's raining and it's cold outside, do you want to sit inside our car, we have a heater" He interjected all of a sudden. You got nervous all of a sudden not knowing how to respond.

"I- I- can't-, I'm not sure" You stuttered your words and he noticed your discomfort, trying to divert the topic.

"Do you have anywhere else to go?" He asked looking at you sincerely and you shook your head. You couldn't go home like this. You averted your gaze while he tried to come up with a solution that you were comfortable with. All of a sudden though, you spoke up.

"Where are you going?" You asked and he tried to come up with a comforting answer real quick, one that would convince you to go with them.

"We are just heading to Yeongdeungpo, would you be interested in tagging along?" He asked sincerely. Your grandparents lived there, and you knew they would welcome you without asking questions, so you could go stay at theirs if you wanted to, so you nodded your head.

"Are you sure?" He confirmed with you and you nodded.

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It was safe to say the car ride there was anything but comfortable. You were in a car full of strangers wherein 2 of you were soaking wet.

"What on earth were you thinking?" One of them asked you all of a sudden, and you noticed the male who was with you earlier glared daggers back at them.

"I- um, I didn't- I'm not-" You kept fumbling over your words.

"She's not obligated to answer that." The man from earlier said sternly. You mumbled a thank you and continued to look outside. A few more minutes of silence passed as he tried to break the awkward silence.

"I never got your name by the way," He said all of a sudden, and without looking back you answered.

"Y/n," You said, cutting the conversation short. You weren't in the mood to talk. The other male nodded and introduced himself and the others.

"Well, I'm Yunho, this is Hongjoong, Seonghwa, and Wooyoung" He pointed at them but you didn't look at them, simply nodding, facing the other direction. Through the side mirror of the car, you noticed the boy in the front, the one that had slightly longer hair in the back, and was significantly shorter, glaring at Yunho. You assumed they were not comfortable introducing their identities just yet and you were okay with that.

Most of the car ride was quiet. You let out occasional sighs and whimpers due to the cold but there were no other comments or conversations.

Halfway through the ride though, the boy from earlier, the one who asked you what you were doing on the bridge, Seonghwa, spoke up again.

"Are you okay though?" He trailed off at the end. The other three boys looked at him with wide eyes, presumably glaring, telling him off, when you suddenly cut those thoughts off.

"I don't know" You answered sincerely. In all honestly, nobody had expected you to speak up, so when you did, they were all ears. You sighed before continuing.

"Everything is just so hard on me" You sighed out, as your voice broke at the end of the sentence. You decided that was enough or else you knew you wouldn't be able to stop if you said more. Although your answer was somewhat ambiguous, they didn't want to pressure you.

They all just nodded trying not to make it seem like a big issue. You noticed how Yunho sighed silently next to you before scooting closer to you. This didn't go unnoticed by you. His knees made contact with your fingers which were on either side of you, on the seat, and you looked back up at him questioningly.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? I'm all ears, you don't have to worry about feeling vulnerable. In all honesty, it's best to let your feelings out. You seem like the type to bottle everything up, but you clearly have a lot on your mind, you can tell me if you're comfortable." He whispered sincerely, only of you to hear. You were still looking into his eyes, and unconsciously tears started welling up in your eyes again at the sincerity and care in his voice. You had never told anyone about your problems and this was your chance. A tear slipped down your cheek and you roughly wiped at it, scoffing softly.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what's gotten into me today" You let out a soft breathy laugh, but the both of you knew it was not funny. He looked at you sternly, faux anger on his face as he felt frustrated that you were treating yourself this way, frustrated that you were reducing yourself to an emotionless robot.

"Don't say that. Emotions are what make you human, you don't need to feel embarrassed." He said and you nodded, slowly scooting closer to him. He didn't mind. Although the proximity was making him a little nervous, he was trying his best to comfort you.

He decided to test the waters by putting his arm around you. He slowly and slyly snaked his arm behind your back, since you were leaning forwards and slowly made contact with the small of your back. When he noticed that you were comfortable with it, he tried putting a little pressure to pull you closer and you went with the flow. You leaned into him, with your head on his shoulder, as one of his arms was around you. You both needed the warmth anyways as you were freezing. It was silent for a bit before you decided to speak up.

"My science teacher molested me." You said breathily. His eyes widened as he tried pulling away from you. With this new bit of information, he realized that the close proximity of you two could be making you nervous. He wasn't able to pull away though since your back was flush against the back of the seat, and you didn't seem too uncomfortable so he decided to keep it there. He rubbed your back up and down urging you to continue.

"I don't- I'm not sure what I did wrong. I disproved the experiment instead of verifying it and he got mad." You paused and took in a shaky breath of air. At this point, your voice sounded pathetically weak and vulnerable but you knew only Yunho could hear you since you were whispering to him, so you had nothing to worry about. He just let out a hum into your hair as you continued.

"He called me to stay after class the discuss the paper and I stayed. I fucking stayed. I stayed despite knowing his sleazy ass would try to pull something on me. After all the students left he called me over to his desk..." You stopped yourself off as you felt your voice wavering. At this point, Yunho could feel his stomach doing flips just thinking about the situation you were in. The fact that it seemed like you were blaming yourself made him feel even worse. Nonetheless, you continued.

"He grabbed my knee and then my thigh and when I told him to let go, he didn't. He even had the audacity to ask me whether I wanted to go further. When I said no, he- he said I would fail. This is all my fault, what the fuck is wrong with me." You let out breathily into Yunho's wet hoodie. His heart broke when he heard you blaming yourself, you couldn't be further from the truth.

"Hey, please don't blame yourself. You have no reason to blame yourself, Y/n. You put your heart into that essay and he didn't like it because his narrow-minded brain couldn't accept new ideas. Furthermore, I'm sure he only used it as an excuse to hurt you. I'm sure your essay was great, and please don't blame yourself for him touching you. What he did was wrong and is all his fault." He paused finally, a little breathless from rambling. You nodded thinking he was done, only for him to continue speaking.

"I'm going to give you my number... Feel free to call me after today, I want to help you. I want to help you speak your side and arrest your science teacher for he did to you" You mumbled a soft okay as you leaned deeper into his embrace.

"I shouldn't feel like this" You suddenly said. Yunho had assumed the conversation was over when you told him about your science teacher but regardless he was ready to listen, no matter what it was.

"Why?" He asked sincerely, ready to scold you again for putting yourself down for having emotions.

"I have loving parents. I study at a good school. I usually get decent grades. I have 2-3 friends who I talk to sometimes. My family can afford the resources I need to feel content. Then why the fuck do I feel like this?" You asked more to yourself than Yunho and he knew this, but he had an answer.

"So?" He countered, waiting for a reaction from you but you had none.

"Even the most privileged people are not happy hun. Satisfaction and content come from within. You may have everything you need but still not feel satisfied with yourself. Is there anything about yourself that is bothering you?" He asked and you furrowed your eyebrows. What he was saying made a lot of sense...

"You- I-, I guess... I feel stressed all the time, and I'm not happy with the work I produce since I'm stressed and overwhelmed, but how did you know-"

"How do I know?" He interrupted you while you looked at him with wide eyes.

"Because I've felt the exact same way a few years ago." Now it was your turn to be shocked.

"I'm training to be an idol and I spent countless nights practicing my dancing and singing, but I never felt happy with my skills. I always thought I could get better, and that led to a sort of addiction. I stayed up late at our studio practicing and my sleep schedule was fucked up." You chuckled breathily at his word choice and how he let a curse word slip in. He noticed and smiled back down at you.

"When I finally understood and accepted the problem I got better. My mental health took a turn for the better and I was more proud of my accomplishments. Besides, I consider myself a decent singer now" He laughed at the end as you joined him.

"I'm proud of you for reaching your goal and bettering yourself," You said honestly as you patted his chest.

"I just hope I can fix myself one day too." You said honestly.

"I'm sure you will be able to. It takes time and perseverance, so please never give up. You're a beautiful, talented, and valuable person, never doubt yourself." He said and you nodded in his embrace.

That's where the conversation ended for now. The silence was not awkward at all. Instead, it was quite comforting as you had a lot to think about and process. Yunho's words definitely shifted the way you looked at life.

Yunho got a little more confident and trailed his arm upwards of your back and into your wet hair. He ran his hands through your wet hair as you scooted closer to him. He gently rubbed his hands across your scalp relaxing you. Despite him being a stranger, from the way he listened to you, saved your life, and comforted you, you knew he was someone you could trust.

Meanwhile, the boy in the front, Hongjoong looked through the rear mirror, looking at the position you and Yunho were in. He and Yunho suddenly made eye contact through the mirror, and Yunho got nervous, his eyes widening as he realized his leader had seen the position he was in, but that went away as he realized Hongjoong was smiling back at him with a soft smile across his face.

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Unknowingly, you had fallen asleep in Yunho's arms. When Hongjoong realized you fell asleep he patted Seonghwa's shoulder pointing to the two of you. You had fallen asleep on Yunho's shoulder, resting your head against it, while his head was on top of yours, also asleep. Seonghwa almost squealed when he saw the position you were in. They exchanged a few knowing looks before you finally arrived at your stop.

Yunho woke up before you and you were awoken by a messy-haired, still sleepy but smiley Yunho, ushering you to go outside. You got up, rubbing at your eyes as you looked around. You realized you were still in the car with all of the boys looking at you. You got embarrassed and quickly fixed yourself before shooting a confused look at Yunho. Suddenly, the man driving, Wooyoung, spoke up.

"I dare you and Yunho to go to 7/11 to get us snackssss" He playfully said and you smiled.

"Don't forget to get yourself a new pair of clothes too, you're soaking wet and probably cold. Although, I don't think that was much of a problem considering you were practically on top of eachoth- OOF" Seonghwa was cut off but Yunho roughly shoving his side. For the first time in the past week, you let out a genuine laugh and all the boys turned to look at you, as you bent over in laughter. Their eyes widened and Yunho swore it was the most melodious sound he had ever heard.

Feeling empowered and having a new perspective on life, you decided to go with the flow. Besides, you were given a second chance at life, you weren't going to waste it, moping around. You decided to make a change, and that change started today.

"Well big boy, are you coming with me or not?"

114 notes · View notes

ellitx · 3 years

Note

!! Long one inc with modern au college Himmel, will be hurt/comfort (might be cringe i dunno i went ham) TW: mentions of mental illnesses and self harm, mentions of injuries, and smut ye

Was a quiet rainy day as you slept, back pressed into your boyfriend's chest, you had decided to come over to watch movies and spend some time relaxing together after finals but about an hour in you let a lull like state wash over you.

"This is the only time you look so peaceful y/n.." Himmel thought, "if only you'd let your walls down a bit.. just enough to let me in.." he brushed your cheek with the back of his hand with a feather light touch on your cheek "Im so sorry that you have to carry so much weight.. I'd do anything to help wash it away or at least help lift it"

Drinking in your form as you slept softly into him, he wishes to stay like this for hours, but he knows that as soon as consciousness comes over you again, the walls will be re-built, and your shoulders will re-tense with the weight they bear. He leans in to kiss your temple and stroke your hair softly praying not to wake you

Recalling all the stories you told him, the shitty ex that was so selfish of his own desires that it implanted the idea that all intimacy was, was to please the man. Now leaving scars that you cant even take for yourself in those times even though all he wants is to please, and pour the love you desperately need into you, over and over but even a year or so into the relationship, you had only given to him.. bearly even allowing him to sheath himself in you, and thats just the tip of the iceberg " you dont even let anyone help you, but all you do is give, how much longer until you cup is empty.." He thought kissing you softly once more

"Hmm..?" You sir and turn to face him "I-i'm so sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep.." he strokes your hair again to hush you "Its okay, Im glad you were able to get some rest" he whispered kisses on the lips proper pulling you in a bit closer and letting his hands run up and down your sides. "Himmel I hope youre not upset at me.." you gripped onto his shirt a bit and buried your head in his chest "we were supposed to hangout today and I feel awful for falling asleep.." you mumbled

"Stop that now.. you were exhausted.. its really okay" he softly pulls your face up to kiss you again licking your bottom lip praying you let him in, turning you head slightly and parting your lips you let him in "Thank god at least this.." he thought as he let his toungue rub against yours while sliding his hands down your sides and slipping his finger tips under the hem of your tights.

A small flinch came from you as he did this as a bit of panic started to set in.. you were so self conscious of yourself, you didnt feel ever adequate enough even to call your self his lover or even to indulge yourself in things like this. He can feel you starting to tense up.. "Mmm.. y/n just relax love.. please.." he start trailing kisses down your neckline "H-Himmel.. I really don't know I.." tears start to well up in your eyes. He knew what was about to happen you were going to push him away and it made his heart squeeze in agony all he wanted was to give and show you love, but he didn't want to force it too much to scare you but it had been going on so long, so he tried shifting his weight to straddle you but you managed to squeeze out from underneath him.

"I-i'm sorry.. I think I should go.." you choke out, your voice shaky whilst trying to stay composed you head for the door. "Y/n Wait please!" You heaved a heavy sigh as you felt his hand catch your wrist, you try to twist out of it but he pulls you in firm but gentle.. " God y/n.. just let me in..please let me tear down those walls and let me love you.." he swallowed, his throat bobbing and icy blue eyes staring straight into yours "You can't keep pushing me out.., you won't even let me help you with anything and it hurts.. even when your sick and dead tired all you do is push me and anyone out.. saying that its alright but it's really not.." He chocked out between sobs "please y/n.. I love you.. and if you love me like you say you do then please just let me.. anyone, help you.. I cant stand to see you like this.. Ive known you for our whole lives almost and I finally have you.. and seeing you in pain from the hand you've been delt hurts more than you'd ever imagine..!

You stood frozen wet face and shaking, silently letting all the words sink in, you felt awful for doing this to him, you thought, he had been there with you through almost every step of your life, even giving you up to a man who he wasn't good to you because you said at the time because you said it was what would make you happy at the time and even now.. he'd be willing to throw everything at the wall to sew you back together, to see the smile, the true smile that he hasent seen in years.

And again all you could do is "I'm sorry Himmel you deserve someone better.. you've done so much for someone whos worth nothing.." so you get up and pull away from him once again and run out of the door into the rain but not soon after did you feel your soaked self being almost held with unwavering force "NO..! Not again.. not ever.. and plus I am not letting you leave this house in this weather I couldn't bear to see you sick from something I could prevent..!" He yells as he slung you over his shoulder carrying you back inside and into the bathroom

"Strip.. youre soaking wet.. and shaking.." he said calm but sternly ,you flushed at his command, hes usually not like this.. you thought through your tears and nervously removed your clothing as did he. You curled up to cover your naked form as he bent down placing a towel over your shoulders and held you, slowly rubbing to dry and warm you, and as soon as you were dry and coming down from your clouded tears, he helps you up off the floor draping the towel over the both of you leading to the mirror.

"Y/n.. I know when you look into this mirror you dont like what you see.. and think you dont deserve the I want to give you.. but please.." He pauses to hold your hands at your sides , to let all your beauty and all your scars, visible and unseen reflect back at you "see yourself through my eyes for just a bit my songbird.. you're not what you see.." you again begin to let tears fall and with a quiet sob "I-Im so sorry.. I do love you.. im just scared.."

"Then let me fix whats right here.." he snakes his arm around to gently rest a hand on your heart "and right here.." and his other over your womb space then lays his head on your shoulder with a kiss to the crook of your neck "Let me pull the sorrow from between your legs like silk.. knot after knot after knot.." he whispered almost pleadingly

"O-okay.." you lean into him a bit wiping your tears with the back of your hand kissing his temple. With that he gently picks you up with your legs wrapping around his waist he grips you firm and gentle untill he enters his bedroom, locking the door behind him, then setting you down on the bed not once letting go.

"Himmel.. are you sure you still..? "Shh.. please.." he kisses to hush you, then slowly trails soft sensual kisses down your body worshipping each and every inch, pouring all the love you gave him back into you trying to ignore his own arousal. Trying your best to keep still your face burned as he did this, not wanting to move and let any moans escape, you put your hand over your mouth to stifle them "no one will hear you its okay.." He said as he continues downward towards your heat "Nng.. my love I-" he felt you begin to tense up again he rubs his hands down your thighs and kisses them softly sucking and licking them "Just relax y/n.."

You breathed a shaky sigh as he spread your legs and began to slow rub at your core admiring your slick that adorned his finger tips. "Ahh..~ its a shame you've been keeping yourself from me.. your essence is divine" his hot breath so close to you it sent electricity you've never even felt before, were you even worthy of such extacy? you though stifling another moan, internally fighting the want to pull away again, if its what he wants then you shall deliver.

"Oh how Ive longed for this.. to please you, to drink in every once of you.. and to replace the pain with pleasure.." He began to lick a stripe up your slit and gently pressed his two fingers on your clit, swirling them in unison to bring you to a higher bliss "H-Himmel.. Ahh.. its so good.. Nng..!"

The heat building in you, you couldn't help but grind against him "Dont be ashamed love..~ do what mm..~ feels best for you.. dont hide your moans.. I wanna hear my pretty little song bird sing~! He saids darting this tongue deeper into you whilst grinding against the bed, he couldn't help it, its all ever dreamed of ashamedly, consuming you whole so his arousal was unmatched

Panting with heavy and louder moans you wrapped your legs around his head, letting gain more access, with him gripping onto your thighs and moaning into you, the vibrations coming from him wond you so tightly threatening to spill all over him.. so you grip his head and try to push him away "Ahh..! Im.. so close.. Himme-- Ahh!" He only grips you tighter and grinds himself harder against the sheets chasing his own release "Dont..! Aaah!! Im right there..dont push me off of you..! I love you so.. dont deny me..! Nnnng..!" And with him losing himself in you, lapping at you so desperately you come down onto him, covering him in you, with him coming in tandem..

Panting he wipes his face with the sheets "Thank you for finally letting me love you right.."

(im so sorry if this is omega long and kinda intense?? Kinda just rolling with it i have full himmel disease -💚)

ahhhh another himmel food <333 you’re feeding me so much with these sweet sweet himmel contents and i really really love it 🥺💕💕

I shall also feed you with a himmel content of my own as a thank you 😋 still working on it hehe

#submission #ellianswers #genshin impact x reader #💚 anon #venti brainrot #himmel #himmel x reader

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longitudinalwaveme · 3 years

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DC Comics’ Portrayal of Mental Illness

As you can probably ascertain from the general contents of this blog, I am a huge fan of DC comics (and, more specifically, of the Flash). I am also a psychology major who is on the autism spectrum and has struggled with Social Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. As such, I have a...complicated relationship with comic books that discuss mental illness.

Of course, of all the comics that deal with mental illness, Batman is undoubtedly the most prominent, and, as such, is the easiest target for criticism. The more a comic book talks about mental illness, the more opportunities it has to get stuff wrong. Since there are literally thousands of Batman comics out there and I don’t have the time to research them all, I will be using a 2001 Batman guidebook to give you a few examples of the things that it gets wrong about mental health (and psychology in general).

To start, let’s talk about Arkham Asylum. Not only is its name anachronistic (virtually no mental heath facilities are called asylums anymore), but its depiction usually is as well: even a psychiatric hospital that doubled as a penal facility probably would not be located in an old Gothic-looking building that looks like it came straight out of a horror movie. It’s also worth noting that Arkham Asylum didn’t exist in the Batman mythos prior to 1974, and that originally, Two-Face and the Joker were the only two villains who went there. Prior to that point, everyone, even the Joker, just went to prison when they were caught (which, as we shall see, is actually probably more accurate for everyone except maaaybe modern Two-Face and the Mad Hatter). My suspicion is that it was introduced to capitalize on the popularity of the 1962 novel (and, once it was released, the 1975 movie) One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, which was about a psychiatric institution, but there were probably other factors involved, such as the popularity of works by H.P. Lovecraft (which is where the name Arkham came from). Whatever the reason, though, Arkham Asylum is really only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the misrepresentation of mental illness and mental health in Batman fiction.

The introduction of Arkham Asylum led, increasingly, to the idea that all Batman villains were mentally ill, which, in turn, led to some...um....very inaccurate portrayals and depictions of what mental illness is and how it works.

For example, the 2001 guidebook I am using incorrectly describes the Joker as “certifiably psychotic”. He’s not. While there are individual exceptions (we are talking about comic books, after all), in most appearances, the Joker is not psychotic. He has no apparent hallucinations and does not seem to display signs of delusions, either. He is not out of touch with reality in any meaningful way, he’s just horrifically violent. Describing him as “certifiably psychopathic” would have been much more appropriate (although you can’t technically diagnose someone with psychopathy; the condition he would be diagnosed with would be Antisocial Personality Disorder).

In the same book, Two-Face is described as “schizoid” and “schizophrenic”, both of which are not even remotely correct. What the modern Two-Face is supposed to suffer from is Dissociative Identity Disorder (what used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder), although it’s not always portrayed terribly accurately. Schizoid Personality Disorder is not DID, and it’s not Schizophrenia, either; it’s a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships-basically people who are extreme loners. Similarly, Schizophrenia is not DID. While it is hypothetically possible for the two conditions to be comorbid, they are not at all the same thing. Schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder characterized by delusions and hallucinations, which Two-Face almost never displays in fiction. DID is a dissociative disorder. Most people with DID do not experience delusions or hallucinations; their condition is typified by the presence of more than one personality and is thought to usually only occur as a reaction to severe childhood trauma. (Credit where credit is due: modern Two-Face is correctly shown as having experienced trauma as a child.) The fact that the term schizophrenia literally translates into “split mind” is probably the source of some of this confusion, but with schizophrenia, the split is between the mind and reality, not between the mind and itself.

Also from this guidebook, the Riddler is, confusingly, described as having “an obsessive-compulsive desire for attention”, which, from a psychological perspective, is pretty much nonsense. Desire for attention is one thing; obsessive-compulsive disorder is another. The “obsessions” in OCD refer to intrusive, recurring thoughts, not to something that a person strongly desires and spends a lot of time pursuing. Additionally, the Riddler is described as “pondering the unsolvable riddle of his own psychosis”, which is not accurate. The Riddler consistently displays signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and less consistently displays signs of OCD, but neither one of these conditions is a psychotic disorder, as neither involves hallucinations or delusions. When the Riddler says he’s not psychotic, and that he’s perfectly sane, he’s completely right on both counts. He’s never displayed any evidence of a break from reality, so he’s not psychotic, and he’s almost always aware that what he’s doing is a crime, so he’s not insane, either. In fact, with the possible exceptions of the Mad Hatter, Man-Bat, and Two-Face, none of the Batman villains are insane, since they are all aware that what they’re doing is illegal when they do it.

What makes the earlier mistakes in this particular guidebook even more mystifying to me is the fact that their description of Scarecrow, and, more impressively yet, Scarecrow’s fear toxin, is pretty much accurate. They don’t call him psychotic or label him with conditions he doesn’t have and they accurately identify his on-again off-again phobia of bats (Chiropteraphobia). It also describes his fear gas thusly: “a toxic mix of adreno-cortical secretions and strong hallucinogens...it prompts neuromuscular spasms, cardiac arrhythmia, and panic attacks”. This is an astonishingly accurate description of what his fear toxin would need to be made of and what it does to his victims’ bodies. I don’t know who wrote this section, but they deserve some serious credit for doing their homework! (It makes no sense to put the Scarecrow in Arkham. Not only is he neither psychotic nor insane, but putting an evil ex-psychologist in a psychiatric institution is a REALLY bad idea, as he has the know-how to easily manipulate both the doctors and the patients.)

Also from the 2001 Guidebook: The Ventriloquist is described as having multiple personalities, and is NOT described as schizophrenic or schizoid. While the term Multiple Personality Disorder is no longer used by psychologists for diagnosis, it is at least describing the same condition as DID. Modern Firefly is described as a pyromaniac; this is accurate from what I know of the character. Mr. Zsasz is described as a “sociopath”; again, this is mostly accurate.

I also decided to use a few other DC guidebooks and see if there were any other egregious mistakes:

2015 Guidebook:

Haha, “Lenny Snart”. (That has nothing to do with mental illness, I just thought it was funny.)

Dr. Polaris is described as suffering from “a split personality disorder”; they mean DID. It’s also worth noting that most people with DID do not have a “good” alter and an “evil” alter; having DID does not make you Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

The Joker is described as “crazy” and “insane”; while the former is up for debate, I can say with confidence that the Joker meets no real-world definition of insanity that I know about.

Riddler is not described as insane, yay!

Two-Face is described as having Multiple Personality Disorder; this should be DID but is otherwise broadly correct. That being said, the idea that getting acid thrown in your face would cause you to develop a split personality, as this book seems to imply, is unlikely. DID doesn’t develop that suddenly.

2016 Guidebook:

While Doctor Polaris may very well have a personality disorder, the emergence of a second personality would indicate the development of DID, not a personality disorder. An adult man couldn’t “develop’ a personality disorder anyway; they’re developed in childhood and are usually lifelong afflictions.

Harley Quinn is a weird case; to call her psychotic isn’t completely inaccurate, as she has displayed signs of hallucinations and delusions in the past. That being said, the way her condition is depicted is inconsistent and confusing, and doesn’t seem to line up perfectly with any actual real-world condition.

Modern Heat Wave is absolutely a pyromaniac; Johns in particular was surprisingly good at writing a realistic case of the condition.

The Joker is not insane. Neither is the modern Joker’s daughter. Both understand what they’re doing is wrong.

Lex Luthor is indeed a sociopath, as is the New 52 version of Mr. Freeze (BTAS Freeze is not).

Two-Face’s condition should be described as DID, not MPD; otherwise things are about as accurate as one can expect from Two-Face.

2008 Guidebook:

Calling Abra Kadabra narcissistic is accurate.

The Black Manta autism thing is icky on multiple levels. Ewww.

The first Cheetah probably would not have suddenly developed a second personality as an adult.

Dr. Polaris. You know the drill. Split personality should be DID. A “good” and “evil” alter are pretty unlikely. Usually DID would show up before adulthood.

Firefly and Heat Wave do both seem to have pyromania. It’s also accurate to describe Heat Wave as cryophobic.

The Joker cannot be “certifiably crazed”; crazed is not an official psychiatric term. And again, he isn’t insane, so he shouldn’t be in Arkham.

Killer Croc has never displayed any noticeable signs of psychosis.

Magenta having DID is actually more realistic than most of the other characters I’ve talked about; she’s got the necessary childhood trauma and her alters developed when she was still quite young. Furthermore, her more violent alter isn’t manically evil.

Whoever wrote the Scarecrow piece in the 2001 Batman Guidebook must’ve also helped to write this one, since the shockingly-accurate fear gas description is the same.

Professor Strange is not insane in the legal sense of the word.

Arnold Wesker has DID; MPD is the condition’s original name but is no longer used by professional psychologists.

Zoom (Hunter Zolomon, not Eobard)... I think there’s an argument to be made that Zolomon actually is psychotic. While he’s never displayed hallucinations, he is clearly delusional in the most literal sense and does seem to have lost touch with reality. As such, this book is not wholly inaccurate in calling him psychotic.

You get the idea....

Looking specifically at the Flash, things improve slightly simply because writers who don’t understand psychology aren’t constantly talking about it. That being said, that doesn’t mean it never gets brought up.

Golden Glider was intended to receive a psychiatric evaluation in the late 1970s. It’s interesting that she actually protested this, pointing out that the male criminals never received psychological evaluations (and indeed, they always went to prison rather than to an institution). She was indeed motivated by something other than profit, and I can understand why they wanted to have her evaluated given her lack of earlier criminal activity, but I don’t know if she was actually mentally ill per se...and she definitely wasn’t insane.

In the early 1980s during the twilight hours of Barry Allen’s first run on the Flash, it seemed that the writers were trying to take a page out of Batman’s book by arguing that Barry’s costumed criminals were insane (even though they usually didn’t display any behavior that would indicate this). As such, Barry stated to imply that his Rogues were mentally ill in some fashion despite the fact that their behavior really hadn’t changed appreciably since their earliest appearances. That being said, the Pied Piper did appear to suffer some sort of nervous breakdown during the “Trial of the Flash” arc; what exactly this was is difficult to explain, since we didn’t get to see a whole lot of him after this point, but he did go to an actual psychiatric hospital (that was referred to as such rather than being called an asylum) and he did recover, relapsed, then recovered again, making this one of the more accurate portrayals of how mental illness works despite the limited information we have about his actual condition. They even showed him slowly deteriorating over a period of time before the actual collapse!

Big Sir, who made his debut in the same storyline, was rather more poorly handled....but at least he was explicitly manipulated into villainy rather than becoming evil simply because of his condition.

Wally West went to therapy early in his run; given the context I’d say it was reasonable that he was suffering from both anxiety and depression (his uncle had just died and he was really struggling to fill his shoes as the new Flash). Going to therapy did actually help him, which was nice to see, and his therapist did not become evil, which was also nice to see. (I’m not going to talk about Heroes in Crisis, as I prefer to pretend that that never happened.) Yay for protagonists discussing their mental health problems in productive ways!

In the early-to-mid 1990s, Mark Waid wrote a story in which Lisa stated that she’d faked insanity in order to be sent to a psychiatric hospital rather than to prison, but the story seemed to be implying that she was actually insane. Not only is successfully being declared not guilty by reason of insanity incredibly difficult, but Lisa displayed no signs of not recognizing that her behavior was wrong, so she wasn’t insane. She was, however, displaying strong signs of paranoia, which could perhaps be attributed to a paranoid delusion of some sort. It’s especailly weird since this was never really a characteristic of hers before or since, and it just kind of came out of nowhere.

The Trickster (specifically the first one, James Jesse) is often mistakenly believed to be mentally ill by casual fans. While he is indeed mentally ill, possibly even psychotic, in the DCAU, and he’s a remorseless psychopath in both live-action Flash shows, in the comics themselves he displays no real signs of mental illness. That being said, I LOVE the interactions between DCAU Wally and DCAU Trickster. They’re made of adorable.

The Pied Piper went through a second bout of mental problems in the mid-to-late 2000s, being tricked into believing that he’d murdered his parents, going to prison, being beaten regularly by the warden, escaping from prison, going through the stress of fighting in the Rogue War, having his mind messed with by the Top, accidentally becoming involved in the murder of Bart Allen (another thing I like to pretend never happened), having to go on the run, watching the Trickster get shot in front of him, having to drag his corpse around a desert, almost dying, getting transported to Apocalypse, blowing it up with Queen music, and then being left basically all alone. He really went through a trauma conga line, so it’s not surprising that he was starting to display some odd behavior. Poor guy probably had PTSD.

And then there’s the Top. Beyond the speculation of @gorogues that he’s on the autism spectrum (a theory I find to be quite persuasive), I also think it’s likely that he suffers from another mental illness (most likely bipolar I disorder, also as suggested by @gorogues). He was clearly mentally ill for most of Geoff Johns’ run, and his behavior in his very first appearance was decidedly odd as well. Intense mania and depression can sometimes induce psychosis (as we seemed to see during Geoff Johns’ run), and his “threatening to blow up half the world to become its ruler while I’m somehow safe on the other side of the planet” plan from his first appearance, which he clearly expected to work perfectly, is so overconfident and over-the-top that it fits well as a particularly exaggerated manic episode. While it’s not conclusive by any means, I think it’s a distinct possibility.

#dc comics #mental illness #flash comics #batman comics #flash rogues

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retrogradedreaming · 2 years

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3, 6, & 20!!! ✨ - @steelandscience lol

3. what's a wip that you've procrastinated on the longest? why?

my novel because i ALWAYS procrastinate on my novels. they're harder to write than fic because i have to do all the work, i can't just take characters and settings i already know and write those. with my original writing, i feel more pressure to figure things out, fill in holes, make it GOOD because i want to publish it, and all of that becomes paralyzing if i'm not consciously writing every day. i don't think my original writing is as good as my fic, and as a former gifted kid, if i'm not amazing at it on the first try (or first draft) then i tend to give up (this is something i'm working on though). i've procrastinated because there are so many pieces i want to figure out but haven't yet, and the disorganization of the story and how far i've had to deviate from the outline makes my mind feel cluttered and then i don't want to write at all. this is just the tip of the iceberg on why i procrastinate on this particular wip, there are SO many things keeping me from doing it and most of them are things that wouldn't exist if i cared a little less.

6. write 3 sentences of any wip you'd like, post it in the answer.

well, sir e, congrats, you've made me work on my novel for the first time in a month and i don't even hate it!! so here's what i've got (plus the sentence before what i wrote just now for context):

“Do you really never wish you could leave?” Ellis asked without thinking.

“I never said that,” Enyo replied, the words soft and reedy, as if it took a herculean effort just to get them out. “But if I had to choose between in here and out there, it’s not much of a contest.”

Enyo turned his face up to the sunlight and closed his eyes. The light emphasized the shadows on his face, making him look even more gaunt and unwell, even as the soft glow warmed his features. It reminded Ellis of Winslow’s plants, reaching desperately for a shred of daylight, a breath of fresh air, even if they would never feel either without the film of the greenhouse between them and the outside. The only way someone could prefer life like this, Ellis thought, was if they had forgotten any other kind of existence.

20. how do you usually come up with story ideas?

lately i don't, haha. but in general, they come to me in all sorts of ways. sometimes i'll just be thinking in the shower or driving because those are pretty much the only places my mind wanders freely and i just think about stuff. sometimes i'll dream about something and write down something interesting. other times, i'll get inspired by something else and i'll get a flash of an idea that blooms into something bigger. occasionally i sit down and actually TRY to come up with an idea just by thinking about stuff i enjoy writing about or characters i like or things i want to explore.

i also take from my own life and experiences and fictionalize it because i feel like it's easier to write about myself if i'm not writing so directly about me, even if i'm using my emotions and experiences (like how my novel wip is essentially a giant fuck you to everyone who's ever said mental illness is all in your head like it's something you can just turn off and think your way out of). lastly, sometimes i come up with lines, just single lines that i write in a random notes app on my phone and leave to marinate, and there's a list of like 30 one-liners that i thought were pure gold sitting in there now. sometimes, if they relate closely enough, i piece them together into a full story.

#you didn't ask for such long and rambling answers but i'm giving them anyway #i can't be concise when it comes to writing #genuinely this is the first i've written in my novel since early march so thank you for making me do that #wip ask game #steelandscience #sir e tag

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3raaaachachacha · 4 years

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All members x female reader / 7k / angst / fluff

Warnings: mentions of eating disorders, stress induced illness like fainting and migraines, exhaustion, flu, food poisoning

⊱ ──────────────────────── ⊰

Bang Chan

You loved watching Chan and the boys perform on stage, but this was a little different. Chan had already informed you that he would be doing a dance collab with a member of their junior girl group, Itzy. It shouldn't have been so surprising, but here you were confused as to why it was bothering you so much. The performance was absolutely amazing, Chan and Ryujin flawlessly danced together across the stage for Mnet’s special stage.

Excitedly you watched Chan’s body flow with the beautiful choreography the guys helped prepare, you were in awe. It was only when you saw just how close the two of them were dancing together, that it set you off. You had never been insecure about your body until you began to compare yourself to the girls that you saw him around. Ryujin was another, even though you had nothing against the sweet girl. It was just that she was perfect and there was no way that Chan didn’t agree.

It made you think that Chan could do so much better than you even though in reality nothing was wrong with you or your body. This comparison had been going on for a few weeks now yet this performance was just the tip of the iceberg. You were fit even if you needed to workout a bit more and tone things up. You weren’t ugly either. But you couldn't help compare yourself to those perfect bodies. This led you to skipping a few meals or using coffee as a substitute for a meal to lower your weight quicker.

Due to all of these thoughts, it put you into a mental slump which took away from your usual cheery self and fun attitude. You tried to not let it show, especially in front of Chan since he already had enough on his plate and having an insecure girlfriend shouldn’t be one of his problems to deal with.

Chan came over that same night after the performance, freshly showered from the dorms. He wanted to see you and talk to you about the performance. It was an unsaid routine. He entered the apartment with a smile plastered onto his face as he spotted you sitting on the couch with a blanket around your body.

“Hello love! Did you see the performance? Was it good?” Chan chimed as he took a seat next to you while pulling you into his side. Thankfully, the blanket was in between the two of you so that he wouldn’t notice the weight you had lost over the short period.

“Yeah, it was,” Was all you could say before spacing off again.

Chan noticed your odd behavior, he moved to look at your face head on, “What’s wrong, baby? You seem off.”

You didn’t know what to say as you began to get flustered remembering the performance from earlier and now your boyfriend was confronting you. You stood up suddenly, it made you feel a bit dizzy but you stabilized yourself before Chan could notice.

You don’t know what came over you as you blurted out, “Chan, the performance was great. The choreography was great. You looked great. Ryujin looked great. But you know what? It sucks that I have to watch that performance and see my handsome boyfriend dance so closely with another beautiful girl that isn’t me. She’s so tiny and fit and flawless. It’s so annoying!” you cringed at how pathetic you must have sounded but you couldn't help but vomit out your emotions.

“Baby, calm down. I’m sorry. I understand where you are coming from, but please sit down, you’re wobbling a bit,” He looked at you carefully, noticing exactly what he feared the most, “You’ve been skipping meals haven’t you. You look thinner than usual lately and you’re quite pale,” He stood as he wanted to move closer to you, but you moved backwards.

“That’s not the point, Chan. I’m just want to be good enough for you and look good enough for you. It hurts me, and I wish it didn't, but it hurts so much to see you with those perfect girls, knowing you could do so so much better than me and I- ” You babbled but you stopped while tripping on your own feet.

You stumbled to the side and Chan ran to as quickly as he could to catch you from falling onto the hardwood floor. You blacked out from the lack of nourishment in your system for the week. You had been taking advantage of Chan being away so that you wouldn’t feel as guilty by not eating or working out more than usual.

After about a half an hour of being unconscious, you finally woke up to find yourself back into your bed. The room was empty as you looked around to locate where Chan had gone. Had he left you? Did you upset him that much? Thoughts began to grow in your head as you moved to get out of bed right when Chan walked with a tray of ramen and water for the two of you. He had also grabbed a bag of snacks to accompany the food.

He gave you a loving smile as he took a seat next to you on the other side of the bed, “Hey get back into bed, missy. Don’t make me raise my voice at you,” He chuckled as he placed the food in between the two of you.

“Chan, I’m really sorry. I-” You began, you knew you owed him an explanation for you senseless outburst.

“No, not right now baby. After we eat this entire pot of ramen and snacks I made, then we can talk about what happened properly, but as of now, I just want to make sure my beautiful girlfriend is feeling alright and eating well,” He smiled while placing a hand on your thigh and making patterns on it.

“Okay, I can’t say no to you,” You sighed but giggled as he handed you a pair of chopsticks.

Lee Minho

You had woken up with a swollen throat and a slight cough to which you knew exactly what was wrong. It was common for you to get bronchitis with how poor of a respiratory system you had and how bad your asthma was. Usually this would not be out of the blue for you but this time you could feel it was worse, you couldn't even swallow right now.

You phoned your doctor to tell her that you had gotten bronchitis again to which she assured you that she would send over medication to your pharmacy, but you informed her of your swollen tonsils. This worried her as well since if they became too inflamed, they would need to be taken out immediately.

She recommended you stay in bed, rest for a few days while the medication gets into your system to help the swelling in your tonsils and throat go down before going to the hospital to get your tonsils taken out. You trusted her as you’d been seeing her since you were a small child, but it still scared you at the thought of having to go through emergency surgery so suddenly.

You hadn’t even told your boyfriend, Minho, about what was going on. The medicines were hard to swallow, on top of that you needed something in your stomach before taking them, you settled with having some soup.

Minho had been at practice all day and he wouldn’t be home till the evening. You told yourself that this wasn’t something that he needed to worry about. You were glued to the bed, the drugs sucked the life out of you.

The sun began to set and you knew that Minho would be coming home soon, yet you couldn't help but doze off from the side effects of the drugs. You tried your hardest to fight the drowsiness, but it was an inevitable. Soon, sleep overpowered you and you lost your battle to stay awake.

Minho arrived home tired but happy nonetheless. He needed some snuggles from you and to just be near you. He placed his coat on the rack as he called your name, but was only met with silence. A confused look was plastered onto his face as he moved around the apartment in search of his girlfriend.He entered you bedroom. Smiling at the sight in front of him, he took a seat next to your warm figure on the bed. He noticed the medication bottle on your night stand, he picked it up to read the label. What you were prescribed was normal to him since you got bronchitis so much, yet he still let out an annoyed sigh that you were suffering again.

He just wanted to kiss and snuggle you all night, now he had to wait even longer till he could feel your lips on his. Before you woke up from your nap, he had prepared you some soup and some hot green tea..

You woke up to feel a warm figure to your right side. Turning slightly, you made eye contact with Minho even though yours were half opened. He chuckled out at the sight in front of him, you were so beautiful to him even with your sickly face and ruffled hair. “Morning, baby. I made you some soup and tea. Let’s wake up so you can eat some. I need you to get better!” He exclaimed with a chuckle while helping you sit up in bed. You leaned into his touch.

“How did you know I was sick?” You said softly, not wanting to go above a whisper tone from the soreness in your throat.

“I saw that pill bottle on the nightstand. Please get better, I’ve been missing your kisses lately!” Minho said dramatically as he placed the soup on your lap.

You smiled meekly though the pain, “You got to kiss me like two days ago.”

“Yeah, that was two days ago. Do you know how lonely my lips are right now and how much they miss you! Yeah, you tease!” Minho exclaimed even more dramatically as you pushed his arm lightly, earning a laugh from him.

“This soup is really good. Thank you, Min,” You smiled at him before taking another spoon.

“I made it from scratch, it didn’t take me long. Also, I took the day off tomorrow to make sure to take care of you. I told you, I need you to get better, baby,” He leaned forwards towards you as he placed a soft kiss onto your cheek. You leaned into his shoulder, thinking about how his presence alone could heal your fever, chuckling at how cheesy you were.

Seo Changbin

Working five days a week while studying alongside constantly wasn’t exactly the best decision you’ve made but you had no choice. It consumed so much of your energy that at times you’d pass out from exhaustion rather than having a proper meal. At first, it didn’t seem to bother you as much, but as time went on, you started to feel quite weak with the occasional migraine to top off your day. You felt bad for your boyfriend Changbin since he rarely got time to see you anymore, both of you arrived home and left at different times.

It was the beginning of the week and you hoped that it would be a good day for you at work, but boy were you wrong. As soon as you walked into the office, you were bombarded with thousands of questions and accusations about unfinished work which was probably your co-worker’s fault but you weren't going to snitch. “What a great start to the week.” you thought to yourself. Phone call after phone call, cancellation after cancellation, complaint after complaint, from the crisis the world was facing, it made everything a mess.

Around your lunch break, your head began to pound suddenly, you quickly drank some water hoping it would help to lessen the pain. It only got worse as you took your lunch out of your bag, the smell of the food made your stomach churn.

Soon, the light was starting to be a real bother to you. Three hours went by painfully slow, but finally it was time for you to leave. You made your way to your car, struggling to keep your eyes focused on the road in front of you. As soon as you made it inside your apartment, you went upstairs to your bathroom, and emptied your stomach’s contents into the toilet. Changbin was home early but you ran straight past him without a word, your hands covering your mouth in desperation.

Changbin noticed your distraught form, he rushed upstairs but entered your bedroom with cautious steps. From the bathroom door that was creaked open, he heard the unpleasant noises. He came up to you and placed a hand on your back and rubbed light circles over it to comfort you.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Changbin cooed as he grabbed a wash cloth, wetting it and rubbing it over your face to cool you down. You had red cheeks from the undesirable activities that had just occurred. You didn’t answer him as you were too tired to. Changbin was unsure what to do since it had been quite some time since your migraine got this bad.

“Baby, you didn’t drive home like this, did you?” Changbin questioned as he wiped over your face once again, receiving a weak nod from you, “What’s your eyesight like, love?” You shook your head to confirm that it wasn’t the best and quite blurry currently. Changbin felt his heart hurt from the sight in front of him.

“I’m not going to give you a lecture about how dangerous that was, that can wait for later, but right now, we are going to take some medicine and go straight to bed,” Changbin spoke softly, knowing that was the only way it didn’t make you want to pull your hair out from how painful the noise could be.

“I want to shower first,” You whispered and Changbin picked you up carefully to go straight to your shared bed. He carefully changed you out of your work clothes and into your comfy pajamas.

“Not right now, baby. You’re light headed and the heat from the shower will only dehydrate you more. I don’t need you passing out and possibly hurting yourself. You’re already in enough pain, baby.” You were placed over the bed. Changbin ran his hand over your warm cheek before caressing it lightly to soothe you. All you could do was nod slowly in response. Changbin went to walk away to give you some space and let you get some much needed rest, but you gripped onto his wrist, making him turn around to see your half lidded eyes.

“Please stay and snuggle me,” You mumbled softly as you tried to pull him close, but with the little strength you had it just felt like a small tug on his arm. He gave you a sweet smile as it made him happy that you still wanted him by your side through it all.

“Of course baby, but I need to change and turn the lights off first. Once I get into bed though, literally nothing will pull me away from my baby.” Changbin chuckled. After he was done with everything, he opened his arms for you to snuggle up into before wrapping you in a comforting hug. You nuzzled your head deep into his chest and you felt your breathing slow down. This was honestly the best kind of medication.

Hwang Hyunjin

It was safe to say that you were more than stressed out from your current workload. You were a producer for SM entertainment and they were currently running you to the ground with work. You needed to help many artists record, write, and produce new music since the big comeback season was quickly approaching.

This was a job that you loved and knew that this phase of life was temporary especially since you were short a few workers as of recently. You were working twelve hour days regularly, but now it was increased to about eighteen hours. It was too much. There just wasn’t enough time in the day for you to get everything you needed to get done.

This caused you to slowly realize the symptoms of a cold coming on yet you tried your best to overcome it and ignore it, so that you could continue to go to work. If you were ever sick, you had to inform the company for the safety of the artists and most likely take sick leave. It wasn’t your favorite thing since it was required for any illness to take at least three days off. You tried your best to ignore it as you continued to work throughout the day.

Finally, you were done for the week and were given two days off to recover from the intense work that needed to be done. Your boyfriend, Hyunjin, was still at practice when you got home that night. All you wanted was to lay in his warm arms and have him comb through your hair to soothe your pain away.

After showering, you noticed your head was pounding, making you feel a bit dizzy. You decided to take some painkillers for it. Even after taking them though, you still felt weak and a fever coming on. You thought it would be best if you went to bed early and let Hyunjin know that you weren’t feeling well. You made sure to send him a good night text and inform him of your condition.

Within ten minutes of sending the text message, you were out in a deep slumber. It was only about another hour that Hyunjin had arrived home from practice. He knew you were in the bedroom from your text, and he had noticed how sluggish you had been the last day or two. It was clear that you had a common cold and needed some rest.

He made some hot tea and soup for you whenever you decided to wake up. Thinking it would be best that he checked on you, he made his way into your shared room and placed his hand on your forehead. It was burning up as your cheeks had a slight pink tint to them.

This worried him since a common cold didn’t usually come with these conditions. He ran to the bathroom and grabbed a cold wash cloth to place on your forehead. Hyunjin knew you needed your sleep, but he was getting concerned so he carefully shook you to wake you.

You opened your eyes slowly to see a concerned Hyunjin in front of you, “Hi, baby. I missed you,” You mumbled as you took his hand in yours.

This small gesture warmed his heart even in this situation, “Baby, you are burning up. We need to get you some more medication and tea to help break your fever before you sleep,” Hyunjin softly spoke while helping you sit up.

He grabbed the tea and medication he brought with him and gestured to you to open up. You compiled before taking a sip of the tea.

“Baby, my fever should break in an hour max, but in the meantime will you lay with me? I’m sorry if I’m too warm,” You closed your eyes as you shifted to lay back down.

Hyunjin joined you in the warm bed as he pulled you into his chest, “Don’t ever apologize to me for being sick and not feeling well,” He placed a small kiss on your forehead, “When we wake up, we need to shower. It’ll help you feel better.”

You nodded your head with a barely audible hum. Hyunjin ran his fingers through your hair, making you smile from the soothing gesture. You nuzzled further into his chest, making Hyunjin let out a small giggle at your cute form.

“This is exactly what I needed, Jinnie. Thank you so much,” Drowsiness beginning to take over yet you still kept a smile on your tired face.

“Got to make sure my girl is feeling better. She deserves the world,” Hyunjin grinned with a cheesy smile plastered onto his face as he watched you dose off.

Han Jisung

Spring was your favorite season. You loved watching all the flowers begin to bloom and the snow melt away from the sudden heat. It made you feel refreshed for the most part, but there was always spring fever to worry about. Usually you didn’t get sick from the flu, but it hit you harder than you had expected. Thankfully, you weren’t vomiting or anything like that, it was more of a mild flu where you had extreme fatigue and lack of energy.

It happened so suddenly one day while you were in a class lecture. You felt very weak and tired after the lecture was over. You knew that something was up so you skipped your last lecture to head home for the day. Thankfully, you didn’t have to work, but it worried you what was wrong as well.

Your boyfriend, Jisung, had been in the studio a lot recently since Changbin needed his help with one of their upcoming tracks. Chan had been having a lot of meetings with JYP and needed the other two to focus more on producing while he was away. They had more responsibility than usual which Jisung was very thankful for, but it also was a huge burden on the two of them. They worked countless hours in the studio on top of normal practice and such.

After arriving home, you slowly changed out of your clothes and put pajamas on to make yourself more comfortable. You could feel how hot you were as your cheeks were flushed a bright pink. Even when you got a fever, they never got this pink which concerned you a bit. You made sure to take some painkillers to help reduce your fever.

You texted Jisung telling him that you were sick with a strain of the flu, and what your condition was. Reassuring him that is wasn’t bad and that you were going to bed early. You told him that it would be best if he stayed at the dorms until your fever broke so that he wouldn’t get sick with everything going on. You really wanted to have Jisung by your side and be able to snuggle into his, but you couldn’t risk him getting it. After sending the text, you turned off the side lamp and quickly fell into a deep sleep.

It was a few hours after you had texted Jisung and after seeing the text an hour after you sent it, he knew there was nothing he could do. His worry began to grow and he knew that he needed to leave the studio soon to go and check on you. It was all he could think of. He needed to know that you were okay more for himself.

Jisung finally informed Changbin on the situation at hand to which Changbin told him to head home to take care of you. Changbin loved you like a big sister and he knew that Jisung must have been having bad anxiety from not being with you in your weak moments. Jisung hurried home, making sure to pick up some soup on the way.

Once he arrived, he quietly put the soup down before making his way to your shared bedroom. He found you sleeping peacefully with the covers half on you and half off. It was clear that you were sweating heavily from the dampness around your hair and the pillows behind you. Your fever must have broken and you were in a cold sweat. It was clear how exhausted you were, he could see the dark circles under your eyes and how pale you were.

It broke his heart. He hated to wake you, but he needed to get you into the shower to clean you up. He lightly shook your shoulder as your eyes fluttered open slowly. You looked around until you found his face in the half lit room.

You gave him a weak smile, “Baby, I told you not to come home. I don’t want you to get sick,” You mumbled as you lifted your hand to your sweat covered forehead.

He took your hand and he steadily helped you stand up while placing his arm around your waist, “Let’s get you into the shower. Your fever broke and you are having cold sweats. This will help you feel better,” Jisung gave you reassuring grin while escorting you to the bathroom.

“Only if you join me. I would feel more comfortable with you beside me,” You pouted as you looked towards him with big puppy dog eyes, making him let out a chuckle from how cute you looked.

“That sounds like a deal. Come on, let’s shower. I needed one anyways,” Jisung commented as the two of you began to undress after Jisung turned on the shower.

“I can tell, you stink!” You smiled through the pain as the two of you stepped into the shower.

“Wow, even with a high fever and feeling crappy you still have your sassy attitude. You are something Ms. Y/N,” Jisung chuckled with a bright smile as he pulled you into his bare chest.

You laid your head onto it as you closed your eyes to feel the warm water run down your body. You let out a sigh of relief as this is exactly what you needed to kick this sickness.

Lee Felix

Your boyfriend, Felix, had been wanting to try this new Chinese place for about a month, but the two of you hadn’t had time with your busy schedules. He kept asking you when you were free to see if it matched up with his schedule, but it took longer than expected to have your date.

Finally, the both of you had a day off together and were able to try the new restaurant. Felix made sure to make a reservation even though there was no need to after arriving there. The place was very cute and aesthetically pleasing. It was clear that they wanted a younger crowd to come and take pictures to post on their Instagrams for the free publicity. Felix and you were no different as you took a few cute selfies together to document the day of fun he had planned for the two of you.

After ordering from the menu, the food arrived and it looked absolutely delicious. The two of you couldn’t wait to dig in and enjoy the meal together. Felix had decided to get the teriyaki chicken with hot and sour soup while you went for the seafood marinara mix that looked beautiful from the picture above it.

The meals were delicious and the light conversation between Felix and you made your heart happy. These simple dates made you love him even more. Once you both finished, you decided to go for a walk along the river. It was nice to be together somewhere other than your home or the company. The weather was perfect out for a late spring day, everything just felt perfect until you felt your stomach turn abruptly. You didn’t put too much thought into it as you knew it would most likely pass. Soon, nausea and dizziness hit, the sudden wave became unbearable.

“Lix,” You trailed off while coming to a stop. Felix turned around to see you leaning against a bench to stabilize your balance, leaving him confused on what was wrong.

“What’s wrong, love?” Felix questioned, placing a hand on your cheek to softly caress it while examining your facial features, “You look a little pale.”

You took a hold of Felix’s hand, bringing him closer to you, “Lix, I don’t feel too well. I’m sorry, but I need to go home,” Felix nodded with concern as he wrapped an arm around your shoulder and headed back towards the car.

After arriving home, you quickly made your way to the bathroom and fell to your knees as you tried your hardest to vomit the pains from your stomach, but nothing came from it. You could feel warm tears falling down your cheeks from the sharp pains in your abdomen. Felix followed you as he kneeled down and began rubbing small patterns onto your back to try and soothe you.

“I need to vomit, but I can’t. This sucks,” You whimpered before moving away from the toilet and placing your back against the wall as you felt your energy fade away suddenly.

“Baby, it’s okay. It will come when it is ready. You need some water, I think,” Felix left to go and grab you some water just as you feel the sudden urge to finally empty your stomach contents. Felix came back with a glass of water and pulled your hair into a makeshift ponytail.

“Do you think it’s food poisoning?” Felix asked as you moved to sit back against his warm chest. You let out a long sigh while wiping the sweat off your frowned brow.

“We ate the same things, Lix. I don’t think-” You began before thinking as you suddenly stopped, letting the both of you sit in silence.

“Baby, I didn’t eat the food you ordered though,” Felix looked towards you and sighed as he felt like this was all his fault since he suggested going to the place from the beginning, “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean for this to happen-”

“What do you mean?” You asked quite confused by his comment, “You didn’t ask for this to happen to me, none of us knew,” You placed a cold hand over his warm one.

“I know, but it’s just not fair that it happened to you. You don’t deserve this, baby. How about this, I’m going to call the company and your work and we both will be taking off tomorrow no matter what. You need to recover from this fully and I want to stay home and make sure you are better,” Felix smiled as he grabbed a warm washcloth for your face.

“I don’t want to tear you apart from your work just because I am sick-” You felt a lot better after throwing up your dinner, but you still felt quite weak.

“Baby, stop. It’s what I want to do. Now, let’s run you a warm bath to lay in, it’ll help your stomach,” He gave you a bright smile to help you feel a bit better, “Go get undressed and meet me back here after.”

You finally gave him a small tired grin as you nodded before heading to your bedroom. Thank god you had a caring boyfriend like Felix. You didn’t know what you’d do without him.

Kim Seungmin

The past week you had been having cramps in your abdomen which made you worried since it wasn’t common to happen for you. You made sure to phone your mother about the situation to which she told you to take some painkillers as well as some medication for constipation.

There was no way in hell you wanted to tell your boyfriend that you were in pain, especially with the symptoms you had, it was a bit embarrassing. You knew he would go full protective mode on you, and not let you leave the house until you felt better. Your doctor informed you that it could be gastric digestion or consumption from some type of food you consumed.

At work, it had been a miserable day as you had still been feeling sharp cramps in your stomach all morning. Work had been very busy and at a faster pace than usual. Yet you didn’t want to give up and go home that easily. You continued on with your day until you felt an unbearable sharp pain rip through your abdomen, making you grab a hold of your stomach as well as the table to steady yourself. The pain became worse as you suddenly fell to the ground with blurry vision and muffled hearing, before you knew it, everything went black .

Your manager called for an ambulance as they rushed you to the hospital from your unknown collapse. After getting to the hospital while still unconscious, the doctors quickly concluded that you had appendicitis and needed to have your appendix removed right away. They took you to the operating room right after and began the surgery.

The nurse was told to contact your emergency contact and when you had moved to Korea, you put down Seungmin as it since your mother was back in your home country. She would be unable to do anything to help you and only worry more. The both of you agreed it would help to bring less stress to others. The nurse phoned Seungmin and got him on the second ring.

“Hey, baby!” Seungmin chuckled out while he picked up your call.

“Hello Kim Seungmin. I’m calling to inform you that your girlfriend, Y/N, collapsed at work today. We have taken her to the ER, and she is undergoing emergency surgery to remove her appendix after it suddenly burst,” The nurse explained a little more in depth about the situation as Seungmin began to mentally panic. It showed clearly on his face while he listened carefully to the nurse on the line.

“Seungmin, what’s wrong?” Chan asked with a confused look as he walked up to the younger boy. Seungmin’s expression was shaken as he froze for a second before coming back to life.

“Y/N is undergoing emergency surgery since she collapsed at work from her appendix bursting,” Seungmin muttered softly while he tried to fully understand what on earth was going on.

Chan stood up with the rest of the boys as he placed his hand on Seungmin’s shoulders in an attempt to comfort him, “Everything is going to be alright. You should go to the hospital and make sure she is alright and recovering well. I’ll talk to our manager and have him drive you there. Let us know how she is doing once she wakes up, please.”

Once arriving at the hospital, Seungmin rushed inside asking anyone in scrubs about your whereabouts. After a few minutes, he found the right staff that knew where you were located. In a small jog, he made his way to your room as he peered in to see you asleep on the hospital bed with an IV in your arm.

A doctor appeared from your door as he gave Seungmin a friendly smile, “Hello, I’m Doctor Lee. Are you Kim Seungmin?”

He bowed to show his respects to the doctor taking care of you, “Yes, that’s me. Is Y/N okay?” He felt as he was shaking from the anxiety of not knowing how you were.

“Yes, she is doing very well. She just got out of surgery about twenty minutes ago and should be waking up here any minute now. You can go inside and take a seat to wait for her,” Doctor Lee stated with a soft tone before opening the door for him. Seungmin thanked him again before going in and taking a seat next to your bed.

Thankfully, the surgery had gone well and you would be recovering soon. He examined you carefully as you were a bit paler than usual, but other than that you seemed fine. Seungmin took a hold of your hand as he caressed the back of it lightly. About five minutes of waiting, you woke up with a small groan that Seungmin found adorable. You looked around at your surroundings until your sight landed on Seungmin’s worried figure.

“Hey Minnie, how long have you been here?” You mumbled out as your voice was a little raspy. Seungmin noticed this and handed you the water next to your bed.

“I got here about ten minutes ago after I got a call from one of the nurses. What happened Y/N? How did this suddenly happen?” He gently questioned as he was upset, but he couldn’t be mad at you with the situation you were in and how much he felt bad he wasn’t there for you.

“I had been having some abdomen pains for about a week and didn’t think much of it and before I knew it I was collapsing from pain at work. And now here I am,” You didn’t want to look at him since you knew he would be upset that you hadn’t told him about this beforehand.

He let out another sigh as he stood to place a gentle kiss to the top of your head before sitting again, “God, if I didn’t love you so much, you would be getting a huge scolding. I’m just so glad you are alright.”

“Oh jeez thanks, baby,” You both laughed from your sarcasm, “Oh no, I need to inform work that I’m alright and will be off for a week,” You turned to look for your phone as Seungmin took your hand again, making you turn back to look at him.

“I already did that for you, baby, and I told the company that I would be taking a few days off to help you recover. They did not like it, but sorry my girlfriend comes first right now,” He gave you a comforting smile as you gestured to him to come close to you. Once he was close enough, you planted a sweet kiss onto his lips.

“I’m so glad I can always count on you Minnie!”

Yang Jeongin

As of lately, you had been feeling extremely exhausted for some reason. It was strange since you had been eating and drinking properly and hadn’t been over doing it with work. You assumed that you were getting sick with a cold since it was spring and sickness was in the air.

Your symptoms had gotten worse over the past day or two as it was hard for you to get out of bed in the morning as well as continuing throughout the day with little to no energy. You phoned your doctor to see what was going on. After telling your symptoms and how long it had been since you had been feeling like this, your doctor diagnosed you with mono and advised that you stay at home for at least a week. It was requested that you stay in bed and double your liquid intake.

Your boyfriend, Jeongin, had been in Japan for their recent promotions into the new market. Sooner than later, you would have to tell him since he was headed home today and would be home any minute. Thankfully, you knew that he didn’t have it and as long as you didn’t kiss him or share food, he would be safe. You made sure to send a text to him informing him on your situation to which he quickly responded with a sad face emoticon.

You had been making yourself tea when you heard the front door open with a smiley Jeongin. He set his suitcase to the side as he came to the kitchen to greet you, “Hi baby. How are you feeling?” He smiled sympathetically at you as he engulfed you into his embrace.

“Well, I could be better. I’m just really exhausted and a bit dizzy from it. Do you want to know the worst part about this?” He waited for you to continue as he was a bit confused, “I don’t get to kiss you for at least a week! I’m so sad” You pouted with sarcasm, knowing that Jeongin needed something to lift his spirit and not worry so much about you.

He let out a small chuckle before placing a small kiss onto your forehead, “It’s a good thing I can still kiss you everywhere else and give you as many hugs as I want to!” You leaned your head into his chest.

“Let’s get you into bed and get comfy. I’ll grab your tea, go lay down and I’ll join you in a second,” Jeongin smiled brightly as he finally let go of you.

“I’ll pick a good movie for us,” You tiredly smiled at him before making your way to your shared bedroom.

There was no medication that would really help take this away, you could only take painkillers to help subdue the pain a bit. You had picked out a movie and had it ready to go for Jeongin when returned home since he was taking longer than you had expected.

You were about to text him since you couldn’t yell out for him, but right as you were going to do so, he appeared in the doorway with tea and soup for the both of you. He gave you a sweet smile before joining you in bed. You took the tea and saw that he had put lemon in yours just like you liked it. You took a sip and immediately felt your throat burn a bit from how raw it was.

“I’m excited to spend the rest of the week with you baby. This can be a time where we both relax for once,” He casually stated before sipping on a small spoonful of his soup. You looked at him confused as to what he meant since he had practice almost every day this week.

“What do you mean? You have work all this week?” You frowned your brow together while setting your tea down.

“Well, I may or may not have called the company and told them I had it as well so they told me to stay home,” Taking a sip of his tea after saying it, trying to play it off smoothly.

You were shocked, but not surprised as a small giggle escaped from your lips, “Wow, you are really something aren’t you?”

“Only when my sick girlfriend needs me,” He chuckled to himself before throwing a small wink towards you as he hit the play button on the remote.

⊱ ──────────────────────── ⊰

- Admin 🦋 & Admin 🌶️

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dragonrajafanfiction · 3 years

Text

Justice Chapter 1: How?

This is a mini series (hahaha mini series... ok) about the MC in the ReWritten Series, now named Uesugi Yoko. What happens to her after she’s left in Japan by the Caesar Team and what challenges is she facing?

If you read, please leave me feedback! ^_^

Yoko Uesugi looked at her phone from the rumpled sheets in a black tank top and shorts. Tokyo was seven hours ahead of Rome so it would be midnight, ‘Caesar Time’. She’d cheekily texted ‘you up? >:P’, but got no response. He probably was awake, but Caesar was the worst texter and seemed to get worse the more she wanted to hear from him.

She imagined him still awake, smoking a cigar and drinking Champagne. In the Takamagahara he used to stay up all night long to work and sleep in the morning. Yoko still struggled to wake up in the morning and sleep at night, even now. Most of her studying she did at night by the light of a lamp, polishing her Japanese reading and script, studying history, and dragon genealogy. On the nightstand she had crossed off 35 assignments. But this was an accelerated pace she set for herself, not something required by the Japan branch. In fact, Anjou blithely told her that thanks to her performance on the mission, she could be excused from classes entirely.

But knowledge was power, and she needed power.

She made an effort not to bother Caesar. Her assignment in Tokyo was her business after all. He had nothing but full confidence in her ability to handle any difficulty that came her way. So it felt like she was doubting him when she suddenly wondered if what she was doing was going to end up well done in the end.

And now she wondered if she was going to end up dead.

Months ago, she’d awakened at Cassell College after experiencing the destruction of Black Swan Bay. The disorienting change in circumstances was made all the worse when she was subsequently shipped off to Japan to perform a dangerous mission. She learned that the man who had run the human experimental labs at Black Swan continued the cruelty in Japan. Dr. Herzog set up two organizations from a single family group of hybrids, splitting families apart by their bloodline heritage either the stable ‘good’ genes of Hydra or the ‘trash’ violent genes of the Devil Clan.

He ran experiments on both groups and used violent means to dispose of the undesirable results. When he finished his research, he launched a campaign to eliminate the Devil Clan by framing them for wanting to resurrect ‘god’ that is, the Light King. In less than a week, hundreds of people were dead, thousands were injured. And those who survived had their lives torn apart.

Herzog was dead by her hand, but his legacy lingered in the ruins of the Hybrid families of Japan. Yoko’s assignment was to help heal the fracture between the Devil Clan and the Hydra. Herzog’s legacy in Japan was connected to Black Swan Bay and she knew him intimately. It wasn’t enough to just kill Herzog and call it justice. She wanted to dismantle Herzog’s entire deadly philosophy that caused the slaughter in the first place and undo his legacy in Japan down to the foundation.

However, what needed to be done was going to run her up against some very powerful people. She wanted Caesar’s advice, but he wasn’t answering. Yoko put her phone down and got up to get ready for the day.

Yoko Uesugi wasn’t her actual name. Her real name was Russian because that’s where she was conceived. Her dark hair and eyes appeared Asian, however, only her square jaw and longer nose spoke to some other mixed heritage. It was easier to just adopt a Japanese name rather than have them struggle with her Russian one.

The light was already on in the bathroom. A girl with long red hair brushed her teeth in the mirror and moved aside to let Yoko in. Erii was the one who gave Yoko her last name, fully adopting her as an Uesugi sister. Like Yoko, Erii was the result of Herzog’s experimentation and should have been killed by him. She was the chosen vessel for the Light King parasite, the so-called Tsukiyomi-no-mikoto, who could fully assimilate the genes of the dragon into her own body at the cost of her mind.

She was horribly unstable. The dragonblood in her body was eating away at her. Yoko was in a similar state and together they bonded over their shared illness. Thankfully, they both ended up sharing the cure of the Light King’s fetal blood that saved their lives, but even this was at a great cost. The resurrection of the Light King provoked the eruption of Mt. Fuji, devastating earthquakes, and a large tsunami that killed hundreds of people. Erii and Yoko got their lives back but the scars on Tokyo were still very apparent.

Erii wrote in her notebook and held it up. “Sakura-Kun got promoted. He’s a big man in College now.”

“That’s good news. Tell him I said congrats.” Yoko runs a brush through her hair and yawns. “Hope it doesn’t get a big head.”

Erii lifted up the paper again. “He says he doesn’t know how he’ll manage.”

“I can sympathize with that.” Yoko looks down at her brush.

As soon as Caesar Gattuso, Chu Zihang and Lu Mingfei left Japan, Yoko was approached by the Clan Chief, Nanami Sakurai who had been placed over the Hydra Executive Board by Chisei Gen before his disappearance. Yoko didn’t know Nanami very well other than a brief encounter where she’d furiously slapped Caesar in the face, not knowing it was him. The cold, murderous look in her eyes frightened Yoko into fleeing the elevator she was in.

But after the events in Japan, Nanami was very different.

Nanami Sakurai had suffered from both sides of the War. Her relatives were members of the Devil Clan. Akira was less than ten years old when it was determined that his bloodline was dangerous and he was shipped off to the prison like schools for the violent. Kogure Sakurai was older, about fourteen when she was sent away. The two half siblings both died because they took Herzog’s poison and mutated. They were both killed by Chisei Gen.

Not only that, but two men she loved among Hydra died to the Devil Clan. The Kotaro of the Fuma Clan and Genichiro Ryoma.

Nanami took Yoko to an onsen and teahouse where they stayed for a week, talking and swapping stories. Yoko told Nanami the truth. The man who separated Kogure and Akira from her family was the same man who provided the poison that turned them into monsters and the same man who sent Chisei Gen to kill them. The man who did that was also the same man who drove Chime Gen to madness by converting him into Ruri Kazama. Ruri Kazama then killed Kotaru Fuma. This same man planted the Kanto Group in Hydra and induced them to rebel, an action that would lead to the death of Genichiro.

The men she loved in Hydra and her Devil Clan family were all victims of the same man who wanted to resurrect the ‘god’. Dr. Herzog.

Nanami Sakurai was silent and numb for a long time, her eyes dull. She didn’t speak again that night.

Once Yoko returned to her lodging in Genji Heavy Industries, she sent her a memo on how she thought the damage should be repaired. Yoko commented that it was important to listen to all the victims to get a full account of matters and collect evidence to document what happened first before making any decisions.

Kaguya the super computer had her core destroyed in the fighting and was still being rebuilt from a backup, but many of the records were held on personal devices and Nanami also sent out neutral representatives for witness testimony.

Yoko had spoken to a man of the Inuyama family named Chance who gave her a glimpse of the violence during that horrible week. His family was all killed and their apartment block set on fire. The young children were all orphaned and institutionalized. But even that was only the tip of the bloody iceberg.

The Devil Clan controlled eleven of the eighteen yakuza gangs in Osaka, and the seven gangs loyal to Hydra had always been peaceful to them. But overnight the world changed. The gates of the Genji Heavy Industries building opened, black vans drove out in a convoy and the top members of the Hydra poured out. The moment they arrived in Osaka, the seven Hydra gangs launched an attack on the Devil Clan. Never before in history had a yakuza war been fought so efficiently. It was no less than Hitler's blitzkrieg of Poland. The Devil Clan gangs were crushed one after another before they could organize themselves. Seven of the eleven Devil Clan gangs declared their allegiance to the Hydra Yakuza, three of Devil Clan hold out gangs were beaten to death with bats, and the last one was disbanded. Overnight, Osaka became the Osaka of the Hydra

Not only Osaka, but also from the south to the north, all the gangs loyal to the Hydra family took action and spared no effort to attack the gangs loyal to the Devil clan. Either the Devil Clan members surrendered or their bodies were left on the street.

Hydra had almost all the information about the Devil clan, including the illegal transactions of the clan's gangs and government officials who had dealings with them. The police department received anonymous emails with evidence of the Devil Clan’s crimes, and as soon as the judge accepted the evidence, more than half of the Devil Clan members would be sentenced to prison. The officials who covered up for them received death threats. A prefectural assemblyman was suddenly lifted by a helicopter on the highway in his car, flying 500 meters in the air. The terrified prefectural assemblyman received a phone call in the air from Zuo Shang, an old-timer in the Hydra family, expressing his cordial greetings. Ten minutes later, the helicopter dropped off the senator's car in front of the prefectural assembly building, and by then the senator had become a member of the Hydra family.

But the ‘ghosts’, the unstable hybrids, never even had the option to defect. Even though they had the blood of the Hydra family in their bodies, in order to escape, some of them used potions that forcibly purified their blood. In front of the Executive Board, which was created to kill people like them, they were just a bunch of desperate beasts. No matter how furiously they struggled, their hearts were pierced by explosive bullets filled with mercury. The aces that the Executive Board brought along with them were responsible for pouring the bodies of the ‘ghosts’ into the cement piles. The cement piles were driven into the bottom of the sea to form a neat array. The Maruyama Construction Institute, to which the Hydra family belonged, would build a shrine on that reclaimed land to commemorate the dead.

The ghosts who did surrender would be imprisoned for life. During the Heian period, the Hydra family set up a black prison in the hollow of Mount Kobe to imprison the ghosts that appeared in the family. After the Meiji Restoration, the family was exposed to Western ideas and felt that the black prison was not humane enough, so they closed it, but suddenly the rusted iron gate had opened again. Very few ghosts surrendered however, preferring death to an eternal prison and that prison filled with their children.

Yoko had stood on the shore of the sea, looking over the rows of concrete piles under the waves, knowing that each one contained the body of a man or woman who had chosen not to be imprisoned forever and a great cold came over her. Right behind her, the people assigned as her escort and guard were the same ones who had ended these lives. Unless there was an investigation, it would be impossible to tell who was acting in good faith to repair the damage and restore the Japan branch to harmony and who would much rather let all the former Devils serve as a building’s foundation elements.

Thoughts of financial reparations and placement of orphans were suddenly overshadowed by the names of famous courts like Nuremberg and the Hague and Gacaca…

The suggestion of an investigation and trial of cruel members of the executive board went over as poorly as she expected. Where in Japan could she find impartial judges? Hydra owned everything, all the officials in the courts. No witness would ever testify openly in such a situation. Outside judges would have to be brought in. Who could be trusted with compiling such a roster? Who would be in charge of protecting them from corruption and intimidation?

The pushback was immediate. The Executive board were respected and highly regarded members of the Hydra. How could they be prosecuted for sparing no effort in stopping the Devil Clan from resurrecting god? Nanami didn’t tell anyone that this was all a plot of one man. They all still believed it was 100% the Devils’ fault and they all deserved to die. Tachibana was their respected and dearly departed leader who died saving his son at Tokyo Tower! Why were the guardians of Japan being held accountable for a war that the Devils began?

On the way home from shopping, Yoko was researching the Meiji Restoration when a bullet shattered the window. Despite there being a clear blue sky and it was broad daylight, there was no evidence to be found regarding who fired that bullet. It was a warning shot. Only someone who was very high up in the Hydra rankings could have known where she was at that moment. The next bullet probably would not miss.

Yoko slipped on her shoes at the door and checked her phone one more time before stepping out into the hall of the Genji Heavy Industries building.

Caesar had still not texted her back.

#Dragon Raja #Justice AU

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theropegeek · 4 years

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What To Do If You're Banned From Your Local Kink Community For Consent Violations

An open letter to myself 4 years ago

1. I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone, but you did, and you're going to have to learn to accept that.

It will be an ongoing process that lasts the rest of your life and will never be fully complete.

But you need to do it, and it's never going to get any easier, so you better get started.

2. Your guilt and self-flagellation do not help anybody. I know you think that openly punishing yourself to the point of ongoing depression is the best way you can show that you're sorry, but ultimately, it's just masturbation. It gives you a sensation of motion and accomplishment without actually doing anything.

People want for you to change, or maybe just for you to leave them alone; they almost certainly don't want you to make yourself suffer for years on end in some misplaced attempt at penance.

3. I know you think this was a fluke, but perhaps the most important thing for you to understand is: it absolutely wasn't.

The violations you've been called out for seem like anomolies that came out of nowhere. But in reality, they're the tip of an iceberg of shitty behavior patterns, and it extends down almost to the core of who you are and how you interact with other people.

Consent Violations are like cockroaches. By the time you've realized there are two of them, I promise you have roughly 1,000 lurking unseen in the walls of your past.

Their presentation may have been as simple as friendly feedback, passing awkward moments, or people who didn't call you back--but I promise, they were there.

4. The problem is that you have a shitty sense of boundaries--both your own and other people's. Normally it's mostly harmless (though it's certainly much more annoying than you realize), but when you carry those behaviors into kink situations, the stakes are much higher and the results are potentially tragic.

5. You need to realize that asserting boundaries is work. Your insecurity leads you to assume that telling you "no" is effortless, but in reality, needing to tell someone "no" almost always takes something out of us.

Your shitty boundaries mean that you expect others to shoulder nearly 100% of that burden, while you yourself take on little or no responsibility in remembering or clarifying what the people around you are and aren't okay with. Sometimes that's exhausting for them, other times it's utterly overwhelming or even tragic.

It's absolutely not enough that you would never knowingly cause anyone harm. You need to realize that "No" is hard, and so when it comes, it won't always sound the way you'd expect it to.

6. I know you're aching to do "the work," that will make you better; you're praying for a bandaid you can rip off that will put everything back to the way it was. The reality is more complicated.

A. You need to address your underlying mental illness. That's as hard as it sounds: therapy, tweak your meds, more therapy, tweak meds again; support groups, volunteer work, meditation, exercise routines, spirituality, positive affirmations, gratitude lists, psychology articles, classes on emotional intelligence, learning to recognize and purge negative people and influences, re-learning healthier forms of social interaction--not to mention the daily work of improving your focus, practicing better self control, and perhaps most of all, learning to actually process emotions instead of drowning them in distractions.

It sounds like a lot because it is, and it will likely be an ongoing struggle forever.

The bright side is, all you need to do is pursue the goal of being even slightly better today than you were yesterday--and, when that's not possible, continue to Hold The Line as best you can. Eventually, the almost imperceptible individual changes will add up in ways that astound you.

B. You need to become a student of boundaries. That isn't just about kink; it's about life. Every day, people around you are setting their own boundaries and reacting to yours. Study that shit, and don't assume that just because you're treated a certain way that it's acceptable.

Perhaps the single biggest problem here is that you're just plain pushy. You need to work on identifying and derailing that tendency in yourself whenever it manifests, big or small.

7. Be slow to declare yourself "cured." It's now four years later, and "cured," isn't accurate. You're still just someone who cares about these issues and works to be better when you see opportunities to do so.

Remember how you thought your early TKs were good, and now you realize they were abominations? This will be an ongoing process as well, and you'll continue to suck at it for embarassingly long.

8. Sometimes you will blame others--mostly for being too critical of you, or not working harder to assert their boundaries.

I've come to believe those feelings are a normal part of the grieving process that you or anyone in your position likely goes through; feel free to experience those emotions and then let them go.

Don't let them define you, your perspective on what happened, or your priorities regarding what to do next. Your focus should always be on what YOU can do differently moving forward.

9. Your boundaries still matter, too, and you need to learn how to express them in healthier ways.

When you have a problem with how someone is treating you or what they're asking of you, your default is to ignore or rationalize it until the situation is truly intolerable--at which point you're prone to exploding on people. It's not healthy for you or anyone else.

You need to learn to identify what you're actually okay with, and then express that as needed--long before you reach a "meltdown" point.

Learning to identify and express what you're okay with will also make it easier to recognize and respect this process in others.

10. Don't plan on forgiveness from anyone. Maybe it'll come someday, but thus far it hasn't and frankly it probably won't.

Either way, don't hinge your growth or recovery on the ways other people feel about you. They're on their own journeys.

-RG

#theropegeek #consent #rgx

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missdreamsalot · 4 years

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The Queen’s Guard- Ch.1

A/N: Hello, everyone! This is my first attempt at a Fanfic and I’m both nervous and excited about finally posting the very first chapter. I’m still quite new to this platform and haven’t been quite active up until now but I love Choices and want to be a little more lively here. Thank you, and I hope you guys like this!

Book: The Royal Romance

Main Pairings: Leo x OC, Liam x OC.

Future Pairings: Maxwell x OC, Bastien x OC, Drake x Olivia

Summary: A rotten apple in the family threatens their lives and there is only one way to get rid of bad blood.

Masterlist

Warnings: Violence, Language, Sexual Content, Angst, Dark Situations, Character Death

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of The Royal Romance, or Rules of Engagement; they belong to Pixelberry. I only own my OC’s.

Enjoy~ *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)

CH 1: Ghosts

In the Ramsford Estate, Elle sat quietly at the vanity of the room she occupied for the past summer. She stared blankly at her reflection in the mirror. Her long, brown hair had dulled, olive skin had paled, and the light of her green eyes had been extinguished.

A month had passed since the day of the Coronation, 30 days since the man she loved broke her heart, and the 720 hours of self-loathing had crippled her at last.

A broken cry escaped her lips as she hugged herself tight. How could she had been so foolish to think that it could work? He had his place and she had hers – a place that she hid from everyone in order to protect them, to protect him.

She knew she couldn’t stay much longer, no matter how much she wanted to fight for him, it simply wouldn’t be possible. Her enemies would only continue to draw them apart. The pictures that were published was only the tip of the iceberg and from there it would only spiral into darker depths, unleashing more suffering and heartbreak.

‘It’s over’, she thought.

Out on the patio that same evening, the night air danced through Elle’s hair as she stared up at the sky. She returned her eyes to Maxwell’s face that had dropped into sadness upon her declaration of leaving and returning home.

“I want to fight with you on this” the younger Beaumont brother started, “and I want to say to give it a little more time, that things will get better, but-“ he sighed, rubbing his face in frustration, “I don’t know when or if it will. I blame myself for putting you in this position, and I’m sorry-“

“Maxwell,” Elle placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. None of us could’ve predicted this. It’s out of our control.” It truly was. The capacity of which they can change things was out of their hands.

Suddenly the world swayed, she grabbed the front of her dress as her stomach churned and she groaned miserably.

Maxwell perked up in alarm as the color drained from her face. “What’s wrong?”

Elle waited until it passed while contemplating if she should express the truth to Maxwell-A truth that even herself could not come to terms with.

She shook her head, “Nothing, I just-”

“Forgot to take your iron?” Maxwell finished.

Her eyes met his and she smiled faintly. “Yes,” was all she could muster. A few moments later he returned with a glass of orange juice and an iron pill.

“Don’t tell me you forgot you were anemic?” Maxwell stated lightheartedly as he handed her the supplement first. “You need to take better care of yourself!”

“I do,” she spoke softly. After gulping down the last drop of juice, she gave the glass back to him and again her eyes found their way back to the starry sky. For an instant, she found herself drifting away and, instead of the stars, there were two of the brightest eyes looking down at her- tender, iridescent, and blue…” but I can’t do that here.” She continued, “Thank you for being there for me, Maxwell. You’re such a great friend. Honorable at that...”

“You make it sound like I’m never gonna see you again,” Maxwell pouted. She blinked away the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes.

“I-AH!”

He wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her tightly against him. “Don’t worry! If you ever need anything, I’ll always be here for you!”

“Okay, okay!” she exclaimed, patting his shoulder soothingly. “I’ll keep that in mind…”

Before they knew it, Elle was walking the tarmac to the plane that would whisk her way. She looked back, giving one last wave to the Beaumont brothers, Maxwell waving enthusiastically, while Bertrand stared as intensely as ever, giving her a final nod of acknowledgement.

As she took her seat, the tears finally spilled and her eyes never burned so painfully.

The jet began its departure, rising into the brilliance of the clear, blue sky and leaving behind a man who could only dream to be with the woman he loved.

6 Months Later /// Present Day: Cordonia ///

Liam sat at his desk hunched over a flood of papers. He was in the middle of finalizing a public statement when there was a knock at his door. “You may enter.” He called out; his attention glued to the paper in front of him. With a dramatic swirl, he signed the parchment in satisfaction.

“Hello, baby brother.”

Liam looked up with a smile that didn’t quite reach his once lively blue eyes. “Leo.” He stood up and they shared a hug before parting. “How are you doing?” He began rustling through the documents, piling them haphazardly until they were neat enough that he placed his main piece front and center; ready to go.

“Well, if you checked your phone every now and then you would know.” Leo teased, wandering over to the drink cart.

“Sorry, it’s been a bit hectic lately,” Liam grabbed his coat draped over the back of his chair and dug into the inside pocket. As he pulled his phone out, his keys fell out and hit the floor. He bent down to pick them up and gazed over them for a moment, his eyes settling on a particular keychain. He ran his thumb over the miniature statue of liberty before placing the keys back.

His older brother chuckled, “I was only messing with you. No need to apologize.”

Liam turned to face his brother who was already holding out a glass of bourbon for him. “Thanks.”

“My life is viewed as a bit of a train wreck but,” Leo shrugged with a gulp of his drink, “it’s a wanted one.”

“Always the devil may care attitude huh, Leo?”

“You’re surprised?”

Liam shook his head as his lips quirked up in a grin while he scrolled indifferently through his phone.

Leo peered at him over the rim of his glass, taking note of how exhausted he looked. His once-tamed blonde hair was disheveled due to the many times of running his hands through it, and he was hunched forward with an unseen weight on his shoulders.

“Li?”

“Hm?” Liam met his brother’s gaze, his phone closing with a click.

“You know I’m here for you, right?”

Liam chuckled, but it was an empty one. “What brought this on?”

“You look like shit for one.”

Liam opened his mouth to retort, but what escaped was only a breath of air. He gazed somberly at the dancing flames in the fireplace. The door to the study opened then and Queen Mother Regina walked in. She smiled softly upon seeing her stepsons.

“Well, I’m glad to see us all here.” She took the couch in between them, setting a thin folder down on the low table. “What was it you wanted to discuss, Liam?”

“Hello to you too, Regina. I’m okay thanks for asking.” Leo interjected nonchalantly.

“I thought you would appreciate me getting straight to the point. I’m sure your itching to get out of here.” Regina stated. “You look well though. I see the divorce holds no ill will for you among other things.”

Leo rolled his eyes. “Still giving me shit for that? Of course, you are.”

“I warnedyou about her and looked what happened.”

Liam shifted uncomfortably.

“Right, I’m sure you predicted that she would cheat on me with the bartender. I appreciate you looking out for me.” Leo uttered with contempt.

“I’m leaving.” He blurted out. Both parties turned to Liam at his announcement.

Regina was first to respond, her eyes glimmering with concern. “What do you mean by ‘leaving’?”

“On a break of sorts.”

The Queen Mother relaxed internally. For a moment she thought he was abdicating the throne and that would not have boded well for the kingdom. “First and foremost, Liam...” she started. “Have you spoken to Madeleine about this?”

“No. I wanted to disclose it with you two first.”

“She’s your wife. I think she holds precedence.”

Liam exhaled sharply. “Regardless, I plan on leaving in two days. I’ve already scheduled a press conference for tomorrow morning.

Regina remained silent for a moment, considering his words. “I suppose I should’ve seen this coming. You’ve been opting out of important social events and avoiding the press. Your absence has already become noticed by the people. However, do you know how this is going to look? The people will question ‘why all of a sudden’. So, why now, Liam?”

Liam stared at the now empty tumbler in his hands. “There is nothing to it. I simply need some time to myself. They’ll understand. A lot has happened.”

Leo’s heart bled for him as he looked at the shadows that settled underneath his brother’s eyes. He didn’t know the particular details about what happened following the events of the social season, only that the woman that had captured his little brother’s heart left without a word, taking a bit of it, if not the entire thing with her. Leo knew better than to allow Liam to deal with it on his own, but he couldn’t quite find the right words to say without it awakening a considerable amount of pain. He had approached Drake about it and Leo was only met with a biting remark from the snarky man.

“Maybe if you stuck around long enough, you’d know...”

Leo knew better than to fire back, taking into account that it was situation that made Drake react the way he did and that, well… his words stung more than Leo would like to admit.

When the scandal had surfaced at night of the Coronation, Leo knew that it was nothing but a despicable ruse to get the foreign woman out of the running. If it was one thing he regretted the most it was leaving his little brother to endure it on his own. Liam had his close companions, yes, but there was a bond between the brothers no one else can reciprocate. In the end, Leo had selfishly decided to leave, having had enough of the royal crowd. He had taken advantage of his brother’s selflessness asking Liam if he wanted him to stay knowing well enough the he wouldn’t allow him to do that. Liam knew of his distaste towards the royal lifestyle and its overbearing rules. He had insisted that it was alright and was quite determined to figure it out and that, more importantly, he didn’t want Leo to miss out on the motocross tour that was starting in the following days. In turn, Leo did not hesitate to pack his bags and leave.

Leo remembered him saying, ‘Everything will be fine.’ He would only find out later that it would turn out not to be.

Regina sighed before continuing. “Liam, I understand the pain of losing someone you love. Go on, take the time you require to heal your heart. Nevertheless, don’t forget, what is important. Following your father’s death, the Cordonian people need you right now. You cannot abandon them for long. It is your duty to represent our kingdom, bestow strength and trust within our people, but they are beginning to lose faith in you as a king. You need to prioritize their needs and reestablish stability,” Regina paused for a breath, carefully thinking about her next words. “But you needn’t do it alone...Liam, you have your queen and now it is time to consider other things…”

Dread seeped through the blood in Liam’s veins. He knew he couldn’t delay the inevitable much longer. He understood his duties as ruler for a country he loved dearly, but the past 7 months had been hard on him and his father’s death only added to the unrelenting agony in his chest.

“…an heir will bring on tremendous rapture…a flourishing kingdom…”

Liam stopped listening as her words continued. They trailed off in echoes and swirls inside his head with no grasp.

Liam wanted her. The woman that visited his dreams every night. He dreamt of a life with her. There was love, laughter, and endless bliss. That’s how he pictured his future once and thinking about it now made his heart ache much more. He felt like he was suffocating. His chest was tight and his eyes burned from the swelling of unshed tears.

Liam swallowed his anguish and forced out his next words, “I will…proceed with such circumstances when I return.”

“Liam-” Leo began, but when Liam looked up at him with sadness his gaze and half a smile, he realized there was nothing he could say that would make him feel better. He slumped in his seat.

A heavy silence descended them until Regina cleared her throat. “Is there anything else you wanted to address, Liam?”

Liam shook his head. “I have said everything that needed to be said. Thank you for your time. You may be on your way now.”

Regina gave a curt nod. She reached over for the folder on the table and opened it. Removing an article, she stood and faced Leo.

She handed him a pastel green envelope. “I received a correspondence from Evangeline, your mother, several days ago and it’s addressed to you…”

Leo stunned, didn’t know what to say. He grabbed the letter with uncertainty.

“What you decide to do is up to you.”

“Thank you, Regina.”

The Queen Mother gave him a sympathetic smile. “I am sorry about earlier. You didn’t deserve that. I just don’t like seeing you get hurt- either of you. Life is not an easy tread…” She looked over at Liam for a brief moment. Although he was hunched over fiddling with his wedding band, his gaze was a million miles away. “you simply have to do the best you can. Anyways, I’ll leave you boys to it.” She exited the room, leaving her sons with their thoughts.

Leo flipped the letter around in his hands contemplating what to do. Why contact him after all these years? She never made an effort to contact him before. Did he really want to reconnect with the woman that abandoned him? The one that left him feeling alone and unloved? His gaze shifted, descending thoughtfully on the bright flames crackling in the fireplace. He stood up and sauntered over to bring the letter above the blaze.

“Leo!” Liam gasped. He felt his brother’s hand enclose his. “Think about this.”

Against the illumination, Leo could make out the scribbles of black ink etched across the paper- her handwriting. He sighed heavily, his heart and mind in a battle of emotions-anger, hope, sadness, or elation. He didn’t know what to feel.

“At least read what she has to say.”

Leo withdrew. “You’re right, I suppose.”

“’You’re right, as always’ is what you meant to say.” Liam added humorously. Leo shoved him playfully, packing the letter in his jacket.

“You’re not going to read it now?”

“I’ll do it on my own time. I need to process this.” Leo poured himself another much-needed drink and immediately chugged it down.

Liam’s phone began to buzz in his pocket. He peered at it inquisitively as it flashed the familiar unknown number. This was the third one from the mysterious caller this past week. He answered the call. “Hello?”

Silence.

“Hello? May I ask who’s calling?” Leo locked eyes with Liam, brows raised in curiosity. Liam shook his head. There was nothing but white noise at the other end. “Hel-” The call ended abruptly with a ding.

“That was strange.” Leo commented.

“It wouldn’t be the first peculiar occurrence. I’ve been getting them randomly over the past three months.”

“Have you had Bastien look into it?”

“My King.”

The two men turned as the head of the king’s guard made his presence known.

“What is it, Bastien?” Liam inquired. He sensed something was wrong.

“It seems there has been a breach in security. An intruder-a woman. We have her contained if you would like to see her.”

Leo whistled, “This day just keeps getting rather interesting.”

Bastien looked grim,

“She says she is here to kill the King of Cordonia.”

#choices #choices leo #choices liam x oc #choices liam #choices leo x oc #trr leo #leo rys #prince leo #king liam #choices trr #trr fanfic #choices the royal romance #trr #pixelberry #the royal romance #trr liam

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carriecutforth · 3 years

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The Shit

Tumblr is telling me to go ahead, put anything...so here it goes

I haven't been public about this for reasons that will be apparent but gonna start this with all the trigger warnings. I'm writing it here cause I can't talk to the majority of people about it cause most people can't even grasp, and then questions start, putting me in the situation of feeling like my GIANT SWEATER of trauma is being unraveled answering questions that lead to more questions and gah PLEASE DO NOT RETUMBL-- I just need to scream in the void This is the shit: On the day my sister-in-law's mother died she had to call form-1 my baby brother because his psychosis (undiagnosed mental illness which I will get to) was terrorizing their family (three small kids). My mother WHO IS SCHIZOPHRENIC had him released into her and my ANTI-VAXXER ANTI-MASKER narcissist father's care, but NOT before they found out, incidentally due to the FORM 1, he is ALSO really sick with leukemia. I only found out because I decided to dip into the special folder for emails called MOM that I try to avoid reading as long as they can FOR REASONS. But I felt for some reason an urge to, and then I had to try to parse out what had happened from her ramblings that are A LOT. Then I had to confirm with my poor sil who is at her wits end and was in no position to tell me herself. My dad stopped talking to me back in November when I called him for his anti-vax rhetoric as being EUGENICS when he told me it is just the flu and only killing old people and the disabled. I reminded him I've been immuno-compromised my whole life (he KNOWS this) and got chronic fatigue after a flu in late 2016 (he knows this), and did he not care if I DIED? (apparently not) But I was like lol, fine, don't talk to me anymore. Die mad about it for all I care. A lot of people are like: 'oh, that's tough, losing a relationship with your father' and I'm like YOLO (it really isn't if you knew him). SO THEN I have to reach out to my dad: "Why isn't my brother in the hospital being treated by medical professionals for YOU KNOW, HIS LEUKEMIA." My dad responded that the doctors were JUST GOING TO PUMP HIM FULL OF DRUGS! And that HE is treating my brother's leukemia with I dunno baking soda (he told me before it is a cure for cancer). THEN HE GOES RADIO SILENT. I have no idea where my brother is cause they got him an apartment somewhere in Toronto. *though I do have a Machiavellian plan to try to find out. The reason my brother has untreated psychosis is that even though I've begged my parents since he was a TEEN to get him diagnosed, they refused. It's like they have the opposite of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy in that their ABLEISM is soooo bad they refuse to see he has been very sick, and even if he was really sick, 'doctors are stupid' <--quoting my dad. This is the backstory. My dad was always on the road for his job. My mom had my baby brother AGAINST all wishes of her doctor to ever get pregnant again. I'm not talking aborting, she got PREGNANT on purpose again to SERVE GOD'S GREATER PURPOSE even though it might kill her and said future fetus. So he was born with a lot of issues because of the very bad pregnancy's complications on TOP of the very hereditary bipolar/schizophrenia, AND everything else we got going on besides. After he was born, my mom went into a very deep depression for years and then would vacillate between that and mania. Which meant me: THE ELEVEN year old was forced to raise a baby that wasn't hers and had no ultimate authority over. I was called by everyone his *BROTHER'S NAME* SECOND MOM. *More on this later Our relationship is very strained because of this, particularly when at 17 I had enough momming a child while being constantly undermined by my parents absolute shenanigans. So there was resentment when I quit being his 'second mom' and that he equally resented for things like, trying to put him into bed, when my mom would come in and say let him stay up all night or getting him to eat something other than candy for breakfast (you can guess the dynamic with my parents here). Even if my disabled ass could sue my parents for his

care, he doesn't WANT me to be in charge of his care.

And yet still, I tried to advocate for him for years fighting my parents TOOTH and NAIL to get him on disability and out from underneath their thumb so he could have a measure of independence and autonomy. They had every excuse in the book not to get him diagnosed including expense. It was so goddamned awful fighting with them on this cause in their mind: he was going to live with either them or me forever (they decided this for me and my ex-husband and kids with no consultation), so WHY bother set up his future for him??? So when he was 20?, I hatched a Machiavellian PLAN: I got him, against my parent's wishes, into college for the sole reason of getting the resources for him to get diagnosed so that he could get on disability. AND IT WORKED! (kinda) Except my parents twisted him so much into only talking about his autism spectrum symptoms and NONE of the psychosis because their ableism is sooooo entrenched. (but I did manage to get him on ODSP). And subsequent times I forced my dad to take him to a psychiatrist, he's like: 'oh, I forgot to talk about the psychosis we just talked about the aspergers. Besides people with psychosis are untreatable, you can't convince them otherwise' (see again, my mom). Over the years, I have begged my dad to take my brother to get properly diagnosed and treated (I'm not meaning forced, my brother is also agoraphobic, and won't leave his place UNLESS he is driven by my dad and was living in a city far away from me). I said, I was very concerned for his kids but my dad always gaslights me (and tells everyone I'm crazy -- the IRONY). So now my mom is writing me emails about how this is all my sil's fault because 'she is on drugs' (she is not), 'she is sleeping around' (she is not), 'her kids are scared of her not my brother' (it's the exact opposite). WHICH IS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME because She did the exact same thing to ME with my other brother (a diagnosed PSYCHOPATH) who used to beat me and the rest of us mercilessly when my parents weren't around (and they never believed me, and told everyone not to believe me because I was crazy), who pulled a KNIFE on me and threw a drawer at me when I was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT, and how absolutely awful I was AS HIS SISTER to kick him out of my house with no place to live or go (cause he was living with me and my ex-husband at the time because THEY KICKED HIM OUT OF THEIR PLACE and didn't want him back.) Are you beginning to get a sense of the dynamic of my family? Soooooooo the last few weeks my brain has just been in total trauma mode going processing, processing, processing, processing as the final total realization of how absolutely awful my family is finally laid bare (I mean I knew but at least I can stop feeling guilty about cutting them out of my life). So back to the 'second mom' shit, as relevant to my trauma brain processing the last few weeks. This whole shit above is just the tip of the iceberg. I was raised as a Joho in which a lot of my trauma comes from a pedophile left loose on three generations of girls in my family over a thirty year period, and if anyone came forward they were threatened with disfellowshipment and there is SO MUCH there it would take me several Tolkien novels to get how absolutely awful, extensive it was, and how the coverup went straight to the top. ANYHOO. So who was calling me my brother's 'second mom???' Well since, I wasn't allowed to have any association with non-witnesses, it was my congregation. No one questioned that I was being parentified and it was a deeply abusive situation. NO WHAT HAPPENED instead was, this sister in the congregation told everyone (when I was fifteen and 80 pounds soaking wet at the height of 5'10 1/2) that my brother WAS REALLY MY CHILD cause it was so obvious the way that I was the one who took care of him. And the elders of our congregation MARKED me as bad association for loose morals for having a supposed child out of wedlock when I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD. AND NO ONE in my congregation would talk to me, and I had NO IDEA why, cause they never told me that I HAD BEEN

MARKED. But the caveat was I was not allowed to talk to people outside of the faith. And we only found out about this a year an a half later when she said the same shit back in my hometown where he was born to a sister who was at the hospital where my brother was born. AND NO ONE thought, hey: maybe if we think she had a baby when she was eleven we should um CALL CHILD SERVICES or some shit? So i was like 16 1/2, not allowed to have any friends OUTSIDE OF MY PARENTS, find out THIS SHIT, and then people wonder why I had my first manic episode at 17??? Yeah, so this is where my brain has been stuck the last month, complicated that I knew I would be at risk for hypomania with things opening back up, and I'm supposed to be shooting a pilot for a potential series I'm the creator/co-shorunner of, so now I've had to go BACK on seroquel and it's the worst while i try to acclimatize myself to the drugs and stave off hypomania at the same time. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

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spinnenpfote6 · 3 years

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Hey guys, I just wanted to ask if there are some of my mutuals who suffer from a phobia of germs and dirt as well.

I definitely have one though it hasn’t been properly diagnosed yet. I mean, I have developed weird cleaning rituals, thought processes and I’ve been in multiple fights with my parents because I keep using up our medical disinfectants which I know are necessary - but I can’t stop. I don’t want my mom to hug or kiss or even touch me anymore, solely for the reason that I think of every person as “unclean”, wash my hands a million times a day until they bleed and keep wiping everything clean with disinfectant-soaked baby wipes. Nobody is allowed to touch my belongings or bed or even me without my permission and everything that hasn’t been washed or disinfected is “contaminated”. I love my plushies and big action figures but I keep them in my closet in fear of getting them “dirty” so they don’t really bring me joy anymore. I don’t touch doorknobs or lightswitches without a small piece of napkin anymore. And finally, the most ridiculous thing of all: I can’t even slightly bump against a doorframe without feeling the urge to clean my shoulder afterwards. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I’m literally like that overly clean person comedies make fun of. I know I must sound like an absolute nutcase to you while you’re reading this and reading this myself - I can’t blame you. If I saw a person acting like me on TV, I’d laugh about them.

This whole problem started about 6 years ago and built up veeeery slowly. I can’t quite remember but I think it started out with me thinking about wanting stuff to be “cleaner” and only putting on freshly washed clothes. We were always a tiny bit “cleaner” of a family because of my illness, but only to a rather insignificant amount. To be honest, I can’t even for the love of me connect my old mindset to my new mindset. Why wasn’t I grossed out by this stuff back then? How was my thought process different? But honestly, it literally feels like someone pulled a switch in my brain between for and after I was about 14 years old. So I can’t put my finger on what went wrong in my head during that time. Now I’m just so insanely grossed out by so much stuff that I feel like I’m going insane if I don’t “clean” them. No one understands my “confusing procedures”, as my mother put it, but they seem perfectly calculated and reasonable to me. In contrast to other germaphobes though, I never have the urge to clean myself too long to get rid of all the germs, like washing hands for 10 minutes or something. I just need a short wash and everything is fine, but I need it.

Now, with these mental problems I have noticed certain rocky relationship days with my parents (they are surprisingly understanding but also think that it’s unhealthy behaviour and that I’m overreacting and just stop - you must know that we are very close) and that I frequently have extremly depressive episodes for a few hours which keep coming back very quickly almost every day. It’s all definitely causing me quite a lot of distress sometimes: I think of preparing “cleaning routines” quite a lot over the day. There was one day - well over a year ago - where we were running out of disinfectant where I was literally awake for hours at night, heart racing, shaking and crying while trying to think of a way to get new bottles without my parents noticing.

The worst thing is that due to everything seeming “contaminated” I don’t have such a good relationship with my pets as I wish I had. I don’t want my cats - Waylon and Ygor - to touch me at all. There was one time where I almost kicked Waylon away in a sudden fit of disgust and anger because he touched my leg. What’s even worse are those extremely aggressive thoughts I sometimes have against my pets when stuff like this happens. I literally thought about grabbing my cat and kicking harshly him or choking him or breaking his neck or something like that - just for a second. And honestly, I was horrified and ashamed by having these thoughts. It’s not the first time either, I know I have the same kind of bad thoughts after a failure of mine with mostly a fight attached and realizing this genuinely made me believe that my mental illness is turning me into a monster, despite having never laid a finger on one of my pets. I don’t think I’ve ever properly talked about this with anyone except maybe my mother but I was too ashamed of telling her the whole thing. After having done some research I now know that apparantly, my mind is using violent fantasies to cope because it doesn’t know how to handle distress and intense negative feelings overall.

Now, of course I want to get this problem treated as soon as possible. I’ve tried in the past (i.e. last year) but my therapist was - despite being nice - still very young and seemingly unprepared/unsure/insecure and paired by the fact that I didn’t want to have a group appointment discussing my feelings and behaviour with my parents immidiately, she basically told me that she couldn’t treat me because I “didn’t cooperate” and “didn’t suffer enough” from this germaphobia. Oh well. She didn’t say it in a mean way, but I was a quite disappointed for sure. Then the pandemic started and I had to stop therapy all together anyway. Since my chronic illness is causing the virus to be extremely dangerous to me, I haven’t been able to start a therapy yet, but I’ve been searching for good therapists and reading about my symptoms, hoping that the pandemic will eventually come to an end and I’ll get a good vaccine soon. I’ve tried to stop or tone my behaviour down a few times over the years but I always end up falling back after a while, despite it somehow working. To be honest, I’m very scared of a full therapy but I know that without therapy, this phobia will keep dragging me down. Even if my family thinks that it’s “not so bad” and “just a phase”.

Stuff like this is also why I hearing rumors that Adam Driver might have anxiety comforted me in a weird way. Of course I want him to be well, but thinking that this guy whom I love for his performance as Kylo Ren, a famous Hollywood actor, is a normal dude who might have seemingly “dumb” symptoms of mental health issues as well which are making his life more difficult - just like mine - is kinda comforting. Like I’m not alone with this. You know what I mean?

I’m sharing this story because I wanna know if there are people with similar feelings and/or experiences to connect with them and to spread some awareness. Maybe some of you know coping mechanisms or first steps for a sort of self-therapy? If I’m able to help just one other person with sharing this, that they are not alone or that others have weird mental health problems too, it would already be awesome enough.

Thanks for taking the time to read about my experiences!

I love y’all!

Shiny over and out

(Btw sorry for mistakes - I’m German and it’s already 3 a.m. and writing this made me cry at times since this is a very difficult topic for me. But I had to get this off my chest so badly)

#my thoughts #personal problems #mental health #mental illness #germaphobe #germaphobia

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mikauzoran · 4 years

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Marichat: Serendipity: Fifty Marichat and Adrienette Kisses: Kiss Fifteen

Read it on AO3: Serendipity: Fifty Marichat and Adrienette Kisses: ...passionately.

Marinette gasped. “You brought me a whole bolt of silk taffeta! Minou, you shouldn’t have! This is too expensive,” she insisted, even as she eagerly ran her fingers over the pastel pink fabric, envisaging the ballgown she would make with it.

Chat Noir shrugged, drinking in the sight of his breathlessly happy girlfriend. “What’s the use of being rich if I can’t supply the love of my life with high-end fabric?”

She looked up from the taffeta and frowned. “This feels like a bribe. What did you do that you’re trying to get me to forgive you for?”

Chat winced at how perceptive she was. Just like Ladybug. He definitely had a type.

“Nothing,” he lied. “It’s more that I was trying to butter you up.”

She cocked an eyebrow at him, propping the bolt of fabric against her desk by the sewing machine before coming over to sit on the chaise longue beside him. “I’m listening.”

He inhaled slowly. “So…we know each other.”

She blinked. “Um…yeah? Going on four years now.”

He shook his head, taking her hand in his. “Princess…I mean that…we know each other…when I’m not transformed.”

Her eyes flew wide, and she pulled back, opening her mouth to protest.

His fingertips went to her lips. “Shhh. It’s okay. I’m not giving away my identity without your permission—promise—I just… We know each other, Marinette, and it’s really hard for me when we see each other and you don’t know who I am.”

Her instinct was to look away, change the subject, not deal with the problem, hope that it would go away because she couldn’t handle even one more thing on top of the stack she was already precariously balancing, feeling like she would trip and drop it all at any second.

She didn’t look away, though. She forced herself to meet his gaze and see the hurt and longing in his eyes.

“It’s really hard not being able to be your boyfriend half the time,” he explained. “I’m not saying this to pressure you or try to guilt you into letting me reveal my identity. I’m just trying to be honest with you about my feelings. A friend told me that healthy couples are honest with one another, so…I’m trying to be as honest as I can, Marinette.”

She did avert her eyes then, studying the whorls in the floorboards.

A sharp dagger of guilt ripped through her insides as she thought of all the ways she wasn’t being honest with him. Ladybug and Adrien were only the tip of the iceberg.

“May I please tell you who I am?” he pleaded gently. “I just want us to be able to be together. I want to be your boyfriend on both sides of the mask.”

To her credit, she did think about it.

She thought about it for all of five seconds before her head was filled to bursting with nightmare scenarios of Papillon coming after her parents, Chat Noir dead, her identity exposed, all of Paris underwater, the world in ruins, and Tikki telling her “I told you so”.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I’m sorry, Chat Noir. I want us to be together all the time too, but…it’s too dangerous with Papillon still at large. Your life, my life, the lives of our families and friends, the lives of all the inhabitants of Paris could depend on your identity staying safe. It would be irresponsible and selfish for us to disregard that kind of risk.”

“You sound like Ladybug,” Chat sighed, carding a hand through his hair in frustration. “Yes, there’s a slim chance that things could go sideways, but I can’t imagine it ever getting as bad as all that.”

She looked at him and tried not to see flashbacks of him in pure white. She wanted to tell him that she didn’t have to imagine the worst because she had already seen it in another future where something had gone wrong…. Only, she didn’t know what, so she didn’t know what to guard against. Wasn’t it better, then, to guard against everything?

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, feeling lost, not knowing what was right, just feeling the weight of her decision, how it could impact so many people. “Someday, Minou, but not today. I’m not ready.”

He blew out a long exhale, giving his hair a slight pull as he mentally growled at himself to be patient.

She hadn’t said no…just not yet. That was progress, wasn’t it?

He had to respect her feelings, her choice.

…But he didn’t think he could go on as they were much longer. More importantly, he didn’t think that she could go on.

He dropped his hands to the side and sighed. “Okay.”

“Okay?” she repeated, blinking at him in surprise.

He nodded, turning to give her a soft smile. He placed his hand on top of hers and gave it a squeeze. “I love you. I would never pressure you on something big like this. If you’re not ready, I’ll deal until you are.”

“…I don’t deserve you,” she chuckled as tears slowly began to drip down her cheeks.

He rolled his eyes. “Princess, we one hundred percent deserve one another. Trust me.”

He wiped carefully at her face with his thumb, mindful of his claws, and then leaned in for a quick smooch.

“Let’s go snuggle,” he suggested as he pulled back, tipping his head towards her loft.

She nodded her assent, and they made for her bed, slipping off shoes and gloves and hair ties respectively along the way.

Snuggling became kissing, but before kissing could turn to making out, Chat disengaged, propping himself up on his elbow to gaze down at her, running a knuckle up and down her jaw.

“Why’d you stop?” she whined, eyes half-lidded.

“I finally got up the courage to say something I’ve been trying to tell you for a couple days now,” he admitted, lips wavering between a sheepish smile and a grimace.

Marinette’s eyebrows converged into a deep v of concern. “What is it, Chat Noir?”

He bit his lip, hesitating yet again. “Don’t freak out.”

“Too late,” she snorted dryly, her anxiety suddenly shooting through the skylight. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

He shook his head. “Everything is fine. There’s nothing to get worked up about, so don’t freak out.”

She pushed herself up to sitting, his words having no comforting effect. “Chat Noir, please just tell me.”

He sat up and took her hands in his. “I love you.”

“Chat,” she whined, voice tight and strained.

“Adrien told me,” he blurted out.

She stared at him, trying to derive meaning from his words.

Individually, they made sense, but she couldn’t make heads or tails of them when assembled in that configuration.

“I’m sorry,” he quickly spit out, words flowing from his lips too fast for Marinette to follow. “He only said something because he was worried about you. He’s afraid the guilt is making you physically ill, and he doesn’t want to be the reason you get akumatized, Marinette. He knows you were afraid about how I would react, but he couldn’t stay quiet anymore, so…he told me.”

“Oh.” Marinette tipped over, covering her face with her hands as she lay back down. “What…exactly…did he tell you?”

“That you two have been making out the past few months,” he clarified, wincing.

“Oh,” she whispered, the word a broken, wet sound as her tears began to fall in tandem with everything Chat Noir had ever been to her—partner, friend, soulmate—crashing down around her ears.

It was over.

She’d lost him.

One of the few people who had truly mattered in her life, and she’d messed it all up with her greed and indecision.

It felt like a chunk of her lung had broken off, leaving a sizeable hole.

She couldn’t breathe.

“Marinette, it’s okay,” he stressed, hands stroking her hair and hands and face frantically. “It’s okay. He told me everything. I know this is Adrien’s fault, not yours, so there’s no need to be upset. It’s okay.”

Marinette’s tears instantly dried, and she lowered her hands from her face to frown up at him in confused annoyance. “Chat Noir, it’s not like Adrien tied me up and forced me to kiss him. I don’t know what he said, but I betrayed you, plain and simple. Yes, in the beginning, it was a series of accidents with Adrien kissing me, but…that was just the first month or so. Yeah, I tried to stop, but…sometimes I didn’t try very hard. I chose to cheat on you…and I’m sorry.”

She forced herself to keep meeting his eyes even though all she wanted to do was shrivel up in shame and guilt. “I know those words are probably less than meaningless, but I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. That and not wanting to lose you were the main reasons I never said anything.”

She shook her head sadly. “Sorry I screwed up. You deserve better, and I would apologize a million times if I thought saying sorry would mean anything at this point, but I feel like it would just be a bunch of empty words after what I did. It’s not like I can ever make it better, make it up to you.”

“Marinette,” he sighed. “Oh, Marinette. Stop. Look. It’s fine. I’m not mad.”

She blinked up at him for a moment before her surprise gave way to indignation and she pushed herself back up to sitting. “What? Chat Noir, nothing about this is fine. You should be livid. I cheated on you.”

He shook his head, reaching out to capture her hands again.

She pulled them away.

“Marinette,” he groaned. “Seriously. It’s okay. I know this isn’t some random fling, and I know you wouldn’t cheat on me with just anyone. You told me from the very beginning that you had feelings for him. The day we started dating you told me that you’d almost let him kiss you just hours before. You could have so easily been his girlfriend instead of mine, so I understand the temptation when he’s throwing himself at you. A few years ago when I was trying to get over Ladybug, if she had started accidentally kissing me while I was dating my one friend, I don’t know that I would have been able to resist either, so I can kind of understand your dilemma. Can we please just blame Adrien for this and move on?”

Deep trenches plowed their way across Marinette’s brow as she tried to understand what was happening.

“You’re not mad,” she observed in confusion. “Why aren’t you mad?”

“Because I love you and want you to be happy,” Chat responded quickly in a minimal effort to keep his identity secret since she was so opposed to knowing.

“No.” Her eyes narrowed. “You’re not jealous at all.”

A twinge of hurt filtered into her expression.

“You don’t care that I cheated on you,” she deciphered.

“Marinette, of course I care,” he protested weakly, not entirely sure that he cared if this was how she figured him out. “I just don’t…” He bit his tongue. “I’m not angry.”

A troubled look settled upon her features. “But…don’t you love me? This doesn’t make any sense.”

“I’m not mad because I cheated on you too,” he blurted out before she could start to think that he didn’t really love her.

Marinette’s eyes went wide before a wounded expression took over, making her shrink slightly as her shoulders rose and she curled in on herself.

“I kissed Adrien too!” he hurriedly invented, falling back on the one person whom he had free reign to throw under the bus.

Marinette’s rapidly changing emotions instantly went back to bafflement as she gawked at her boyfriend. “You…what?”

“I kissed Adrien,” he asserted, deciding that that was his hill to die on now. “A couple times. He told you that we’re friends, right? That I visit him sometimes?”

She nodded, trying to piece things together so that they made sense. She wasn’t having much success getting the edges to line up.

“Well, I mean, he’s very attractive,” he tried to explain, fearing he was doing a poor job and making himself out to be fickle, “and I feel an emotional connection with him because we’re so similar,” he hastily added.

That was better.

“He gets things that other people don’t really understand, so I can talk to him about anything, and we’re both kind of going through a sexuality crisis, so…” He shrugged helplessly. “It just felt natural to experiment together.”

“O-Oh,” she choked, a red stain spreading over her cheeks not just from her earlier bout of tears.

“I think I’m bi,” his mouth confessed even as his brain panicked, screaming at him that there was too much truth coming out in this lie. “I’m kind of freaking out about it, honestly, because my father’s either going to not care or disown me. The first option hurts, and the second one is terrifying, and I didn’t tell you because, even though I know you have queer friends, I wasn’t so sure you’d want to keep dating a guy who likes other guys, and I am devastatingly in love with you, Marinette,” he laughed mirthlessly, choking as a hardy stream of tears broke free and rushed forth down his cheeks. “I don’t want to lose you, and I’m just so scared of being rejected. I know she didn’t mean to, but the whole thing with Ladybug really messed me up, and I was messed up to start with because of my parents, so—”

She didn’t hesitate any longer, pulling him into her arms and squeezing tight.

“Shhh,” she cut him off gently. “Shhh, Minou. It’s okay.”

She eased him down onto the bed with her, petting his hair, nuzzling his face, and making soothing shushing noises. “It’s okay, My Love. I would never push you away for being who you are. I love all of you. This doesn’t change anything.”

“It doesn’t?” he replied hoarsely.

She shook her head, nuzzling his temple as she did so. “No, Beloved. Nothing is ever going to make me stop loving you. You don’t have to be afraid to tell me something like that ever again. I will never reject you.”

“Oh,” he sniffled, feeling calmer as he listened to the steady thrum of her heartbeat and soaked up the warmth of her skin. “Then, I’m glad that I just blurted that out like that because I’ve kind of been struggling with this for…” He tried to think back and remember when he’d first started to notice that he was noticing other guys, but his memory came up blank. There was the almost-kiss with Luka at Christmas, but that was just when it had all come to a head. It had started even before that. “…it’s been a while,” he concluded with a sigh.

“Oh, Minou,” she whispered, a sick feeling rising up in her gut. “I wish I’d known. I wish I could have done something for you. It hurts to know that you were suffering on your own like that and didn’t feel like you could say anything.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled meekly, cat ears drooping as if he’d been chastised. “I mean, I should have known that I could tell you, but I was afraid that—”

“—Chat Noir, no,” she interrupted, cupping his face in her hands. “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain. I understand. I just hope that you know now for next time that you can tell me anything and it won’t change how I feel about you.”

“Thanks,” he sniffled, a watery smile slowly forming on his lips. “I’m sorry. I just…I’m not used to the idea of not having to be afraid that someone’s going to stop loving me. I mean, I know you’re supposed to be able to count on your parents always loving you, but…that’s not true in my case, so if not even my parents love me, I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust that anyone else will.”

“And I’m not doing a good job of proving it to you either,” she sighed, the bottom dropping out of her stomach. “I’m sorry for failing you, Chat Noir.”

“You didn’t fail me, Marinette,” he protested wearily, nuzzling her collarbone. “You’re doing your best, and your best is pretty good. I mean, you and Ladybug are probably the two people who have been the most unwavering in your love for me, even when I was being an intolerable brat, so…you haven’t failed me, Princess.”

“Still,” she whispered. “I can do better. I promise I’m going to do better,” she swore resolutely. “I’ll make you believe you’re lovable.”

“Yeah?” he chuckled, blinking away tears. “That’s kind of a tall order. It’s going to take a lot of work.”

“I’ll manage,” she assured, closing the distance between them.

He was more than happy to sink into her kiss and lose himself in her lips.

It started out languid but quickly escalated as they both put all of their stress, fear, frustration, and the intensity of their feelings for one another into the kiss. One kiss became two, and two turned to a dozen until they both lost count, kissing each other breathless as the minutes blurred together.

Chat finally pulled back, and Marinette gave a lusty moan of protestation.

“Oh, were you enjoying yourself?” he chuckled as he propped himself up on his forearms, obviously proud of the effect he had on her.

She gave his arm a light smack. “You’re lucky that smug grin of yours is sexy. …I’m still thinking about kissing it clean off your face, though.”

“Maybe in a bit,” he laughed, dropping his head to nuzzle her shoulder. “I think I need to catch my breath first.”

Marinette took a deep inhale, trying not to squirm as she attempted to calm her raging hormones. A bit of a needy whimper escaped as she breathed out.

He raised an eyebrow in concern. “What’s wrong?”

Her entire face flushed as she gave him a plaintive look, willing him to understand without her having to say anything.

He continued to stare at her obliviously. “Marinette? Are you okay?”

“How are you not as worked up as I am right now?” she groaned bluntly.

His eyes grew to the size of spools of thread. “O-Oh,” he replied dumbly, internally panicking. “I…I’m sorry. I…”

His mind was racing. He didn’t know what to say, how to justify his lack of a physical response to her.

Marinette pursed her lips, trying not to grimace. “Are you…asexual too?”

How believable was it for Adrien and Chat Noir to both be biromantic asexual, he wondered.

“Minou,” she called gently, reaching out to stroke his cheek. “If you are, you can tell me. Or, if it’s something else, you can tell me that too. Whatever it is, it’s fine. It’s not going to make me love you any less, okay?”

He took a shuddering breath and blew it out. “Okay,” he whispered.

“Are you asexual?” she tentatively asked again.

He gulped and nodded.

She patted his cheek and gave him a bolstering smile. “Okay. Thank you for telling me.”

“Marinette, I know that sex is something you want in a relationship,” he rushed to assure her. “I know it’s a big deal, and I know it’s kind of a deal breaker, so I just want you to know that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy,” he stressed, desperate for her to know so that she wouldn’t dump him. “I promise I’ll find a way to make things work.”

“Chat Noir,” she breathed, a darker note of concern in her voice.

Her brow scrunched into a frown.

He tensed.

“I would never make you do something you didn’t want to do,” she explained slowly and solemnly, making sure that he understood. “And this isn’t something you have to figure out on your own. This is something we figure out together as a couple. We’re partners, Chat Noir. We’re in this together.”

He laid his head down on her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her tight in gratitude. “Thank you,” he choked, trying not to let the tears of relief fall.

She nuzzled and pet his hair, shushing him gently. “You’re welcome, Beloved, but there’s no thanks necessary.”

He melted into her embrace, purring softly as she ran her fingers through his hair. He lay there for nearly a minute, soaking up her affection before a thought popped into his head, and he hastily pushed himself up to look at her.

She jumped, startled by his sudden movement.

“Sorry,” he rushed to explain. “It just occurred to me that you might still be…” A scarlet blush leaked out from under his mask. “…uh…uncomfortable. Sorry. It’s not like with guys where there’s a fairly clear physical indicator, so…” His cheeks turned redder. “What do you need?”

After setting aside how mortified she felt, Marinette decided that she was touched that he cared and had thought to ask.

She was still a little riled up, and the prospect of them doing something about that… She was completely in favour. But she could tell he wasn’t comfortable. He wasn’t ready.

“Sorry,” he added before she could reply, averting his eyes as his blush spread down his neck and disappeared under the collar of his suit. “I have literally zero experience with this. I don’t know how this works for girls. I mean, I’ve seen anatomy drawings before, but—”

“—You don’t have to apologize,” she assured, scratching behind his ear. “It’s okay. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Thank you for asking. That means a lot to me. I just…need to calm down,” she explained.

“Oh,” he sighed in relief, giving her a nervous smile. “Good.”

There was a beat, and then she gave into her curiosity and asked, “Your parents didn’t ever have ‘the talk’ with you, did they?”

He groaned, looking away as he replied in a resentful mutter, “When I was twelve, they pretty much just threw a book at me, and when I tried to ask questions, Maman told me to talk to my father, but Father was busy, so he kind of gave me the brush off, so…” He shook his head, looking miserable. “I kind of got the impression that sex was gross but you had to do it if you wanted to have children, so people went along with it. But then at school when everyone talked about it, it was clear that it was something they wanted and looked forward to and weren’t weirded out by, so…”

He rested his head on the pillow, his face against her arm, and she could feel his tears.

“I mean…I’ve always been different from other people my age thanks to my upbringing. This was just one more thing about me that was…b-broken.” His voice cracked, and the tears of humiliation and regret began to fall faster.

She wrapped her arms around him again, pulling him back in and just holding him.

“I just kept my mouth shut unless someone asked me why I wasn’t sleeping with anyone. I’ve used pretty much every excuse. I’ve said I was religious, I wanted to wait for marriage so it’d be special, that I’d been touched inappropriately by fans trying to rip my clothes off so I was traumatized, I hadn’t found the right person yet, I had found the right person but she wanted to wait, fears about getting someone pregnant, concern about scandal…I said whatever I had to say to make it socially acceptable for me to still be a virgin. Some people still gave me trouble and called me a prude, but…”

“…When did you find out about being asexual?” she inquired gently.

“About a year ago, I guess?” he mumbled against her skin. “You know Luka Couffaine?”

Marinette blinked in surprise. “Yeah?”

“We’re friends,” Chat explained. “We’ve grown closer over the past two years. You know how some people are, like, the ‘mom-friend’ of the group?”

She nodded.

“Luka’s totally a mom-friend,” he chuckled. “I don’t have people I can talk to at home, but I can talk to Luka. He’s kind of adopted me, so… So, I was telling Luka about something a coworker said about me being a virgin that bothered me, and Luka told me about asexual people…and it just clicked. Things made sense.”

Marinette gave him a squeeze. “I’m really glad you had Luka there for you and were able to figure things out.”

“Me too,” Chat hummed, tears drying. “…Thanks for listening to me talk.”

“Thank you for talking to me,” she countered. “Seriously, Minou. Even though I can’t know your identity, I still want to know everything I can about you. I want to know all the important things, so…please tell me. …If you feel comfortable, that is.”

Slowly, he began to nod. “Okay. I…I’m glad you want to know, that you’re interested in my life.”

“I’m definitely interested,” she laughed, and he chuckled along until they fell into a comfortable silence.

It was a while before Chat Noir spoke again. “…Hey. We’re okay, aren’t we? Things are all right between us?”

He lifted his head to study her face intently.

“Of course,” she hastened to assure, surprised that he’d had any doubt. “I love you, Chat Noir. I’m not upset about the Adrien thing, and it didn’t sound like you were mad at me either, so…I think we’re all right. Do you?”

“Yeah,” he sighed happily. “It’s like a weight off my back finally talking to you about the Adrien thing.”

She bit her lip and reluctantly asked, “So…what exactly are we going to do about the Adrien thing?”

Chat Noir shrugged. “Nothing?”

She blinked, repeating, “‘Nothing’?”

“I’m okay if you keep seeing him,” he clarified. “I know you really do have feelings for him, and I know that he’s crazy in love with you, so…”

Marinette stared at her boyfriend, waiting for his words to suddenly make sense. “You’re okay if I keep cheating on you?”

“It’s not cheating if I say it’s okay,” he rebutted. “Anyone else is off limits, but Adrien is okay.”

She kept staring, not comprehending. “You really don’t mind?”

He winced. “So…I mean…I know it’s not exactly orthodox, but…people can have feelings for more than one person at a time, and there’s nothing wrong with that so long as everyone agrees and keeps on the same page.”

Marinette pressed her lips together into a thin, tight line. “…Chat Noir, there’s a difference between having feelings for two people and making out with two people.”

He bit the inside of his cheek. “Have you ever heard of polyamory?”

“Vaguely?” She waited for him to go on.

“It’s when a group of people sit down and talk and decide to be in a committed relationship involving more than two people,” Chat tried his best to explain, trying to recall how Luka had described it to him. “You have to talk a lot and set ground rules so no one feels left out or neglected or jealous, but… It’s not cheating because everyone agrees about what they’re going to do and what they’re not going to do, so…”

“You’re…suggesting that I date both you and Adrien at the same time?” she summarized, still trying to wrap her head around the idea.

He nodded eagerly. “That way you never have to feel guilty about anything you do with him, and I won’t have to feel guilty either because he’ll be our boyfriend, so it’ll be okay.”

She gave a start. “You’re going to date him too?”

Chat shrugged. “Sure. If he’s interested. I mean, things between us aren’t exactly…you know…like that, but… Is that okay?”

She thought about it for a moment, reasoning that two asexual guys weren’t going to get up to too much she needed to be concerned with and that it wasn’t like Chat Noir was in love with Adrien or anything, so it wasn’t like he was going to leave her, so…

“Okay.” She started to nod. “Yeah. Okay. So…Adrien and I start dating for real, you and I keep dating, and…that’s it?”

“Yep,” he agreed. “Just don’t leave me for him, okay?”

“Oh, Chat Noir,” she cooed, pulling him in for a smooch. “The whole reason we’re in this mess in the first place is that I can’t imagine my life without either one of you. I couldn’t choose…and I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon.”

“Oh,” he hummed contentedly, savoring the cozy warmth of the moment and her words. “Good.”

“Besides,” she snickered. “I am ticked at him. I can’t believe he told you.”

“Princess,” Chat groaned. “Please don’t. He did it because he loves you and couldn’t bear to see you suffering anymore.”

“And that that slut seduced my boyfriend,” she giggled.

“…You’re joking, right?” He couldn’t quite be sure. “The last thing I wanted was to ruin your friendship with Adrien, Marinette.”

“Don’t worry,” she assured. “I’m mostly joking. I am upset with him, but…he’s too important to me to lose.”

Chat’s heart swelled with happiness at knowing that he was so special to her on both sides of the mask.

“I just need to yell at him, talk it out, get it out of my system,” she sighed, “…apologize, beg for forgiveness, make him hummingbird cake pops… Things between me and Adrien are going to be all right, Chat Noir, so don’t worry. I’m through screwing things up.”

“I love you,” he whispered, unable to contain the large grin of adoration that broke out on his lips.

“Love you too.” She punctuated the sentiment with a kiss.

#Marichat #Adrinette #Adrienette #Miraculous Ladybug #Miraculous Ladybug Fanfiction #Chat Noir #Adrien Agreste #Marinette Dupain-Cheng #Kissing #Writing Prompt #Mikau's Writings #Serendipity: Fifty Marichat and Adrienette Kisses

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