#this is so long i hate myself

[inkskinned]

the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

#writeblr #warm up #this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru #but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist #ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school. #like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it. #was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes. #but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create'' #when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work #part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just #like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent. #speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r #ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week #this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice. #''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism #imagine if we said that about literally any other profession. #''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt? #u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky'' #we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY #''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''

[madpatti]

#the first one took me so long and i ended up disliking it #i hate myself lmao #fan art #drawing #the band ghost #secondo #copia #papa secundo #papa copia #papa emeritus iv #papa emeritus ii #digital #madpatti

[nonpoppie]

day 1 kaeyavember lets get it

#genshin kaeya #genshin impact #kaeya alberich #kaeyavember #my art dump #idk if anyone else is doing this but im drawing kaeya for every day of november until his birthday bec i hate myself but i love kaeya more #and i havent drawn him in so long :'^( #SO U GET A MONTH KING !! #he appeared once in a recent event and im like um okay. Now give me more #its kaeya impact actually its true i send threats to hyv hq juust to be sure

[deoidesign]

Finally I have allowed myself to love that which I had denied myself so long

#what I am allowing myself to love now: PINK!!! #as a kid I hated hated hated pink so much it was kind of unreal #but the older I get and the more I'm understanding myself the more room it has in my life #and this is true of many things I rejected because it felt wrong #knowing myself better I realize it was never the thing that was wrong #it was the people who couldnt accept me! #I've come a long ways. #and I've got a long ways to go #but I'm excited about it now #uhhhh anyways #illustration #digital art #drawing #digital painting #digital illustration #birds #pink #uhhhhhhhhhhh #my art #not ocs

[lispenardst]

sun bleached flies – ethel cain

yes i did make a 6 minute long ethel cain x ft edit

no i am not well

#fellow travelers #hawkins fuller #tim laughlin #tim x hawk #hawk x tim #ethel cain #my edits #OKAY FRIENDS at long last here it is #the sun bleached flies edit #this shit has haunted me for weeks #but also i really can’t bring myself to hate it #she’s my baby #we’ve been THROUGH IT together #i really put my whole ethel cainussy into this edit so any love for it will be very warmly received #but dudes… this shit is LONG #as deep in the trenches of an attention economy as we are this edit really said no profit please #if you actually watched all the way through you’re a real one #oh also #tumblr’s video size limit means that this looks like it was filmed on a nintendo ds #and even to get this quality i had to delete the outro #a crispy clear outro-included version will be coming to yt soon!

[curioscurio]

Got up early (for me), ate a light and healthy breakfast, applied to some jobs, took a long mental health walk with the dogs, gave one of them a bath, and even did some phone calls and messaging regarding my medication and pharmacy problems and managed to sort it out without breaking down!!! And! Showered!! Kicking ASS at mental health today

#im studying myself like a bug. with no judgement or compulsive self hate when i see the results. and then doing something different based on #those results #and its working #ive noticed that im much more productive when i have someone else to help or listen to. its a little uh sad because im not easily able to #to take care of myself and do things for MYSELF. but if its for someone else then its like i gain momentum #going out to clean out MY car? well i dont care how gross it is im not worth the effort. #cleaning out my car for my brother who i drive to therapy every other week? fuck yes its going to be nice and clean because therapy is impo #rtant and i want to help you stick with it and so we make it not a chore but lighthearted sibling time #like do you get it #anyway slow progress is still progress #the number of good days are slowly catching up to the number of bad days #post beginning of the pandemic 2020 was so brutal on me. moving back in with my parents especially #but i have a plan now . a real one. and friends to help me as well ! #oops rambling in the tags haha #long tags

[violentlydefending]

kim (bitchy) radio moments [id in alt]

#i didn't have the lady lorry driver quest stuff going on so i couldn't get that dialogue in-game myself :pensive: #but i *did* go out of my way to re-roll the rhetoric crate check over and over so i could get money for the kristallsprach lol #contra.txt #disco elysium #anyway w that done that's all the vision quests! thank you daily three hour commutes for giving me the time to Game. i mean. i guess. #i don't really wanna be thanking my long as hell commutes for anything if i can help it on account of i hate them

[spitinsideme]

They say you can tell a lot bout an artist by the way they draw themselves how do you draw yourself spitzy if you don’t mind me asking?

i have had limr one lther person ask me to draw myself so bere !!! me .. im just a happy jolly gay girl honestly with a los4r fashion sense im nkt too special i am literally rvery gay girl whos a loser boyfriend

#going to writr little facts aboit myself whatever #my handwriting is actually shit it takes me likr so long to write the dialogur #becaude i keep on wroting it teerrible #my college has asled me to write with a laptop for exams #they literally camt read it #i refuse to ise a laptip idont care i fucking HATE typing on laptops #i also never take off my coat #it was omce lime 30 degrees celsiys on emgland and i was MELTING #woth my coat on becauze i refuse to take that shit off #i likr rock congs !!! honestly any song with shouting ill like #i limr sex songs also !! my playlost has likr 3000 songs and most of those songs are just moaning #also hige fan of britney spears i knoe the lyrocs to ALL HER SONGS i mean EVRRY SINGLE ONE i know the lyrics #by heart

[meateater-lamb]

I JUST GOT BANNED OFF OF INSTA ON TWO ACCOUNTS FOR POSTING THIS FUCKING IMAGE TO MY PRIVATE STORY

#WHAT THE FUCK #i am actually laughing so hard tho wtf #like HATE SPEECH is ok as long as its against queers and poc but a meme abt jacking off and killing myself is TOO MUCH MAN

[iknowwhereyousnoozeatnight]

couple of mello + near doodles

#death note #mello #mihael keehl #near #nate river #meronia #bright colors #eyestrain #been having fun w colors recently :3 #these are the product of me really really really not wanting to do some discussion boards #like i don’t even hate discussion boards but something about them has been filling me with dread i’d rather just do exams tbh #i'm like dragging myself through the rest of this semester but it's different from last semester last semester i was losing my mind #this semester i've been able to sleep more than 4 hours a night and go outside bc it's not freezing but also i'm just so fucking done #with school i've been here too long i'm tired but i'm always tired and will always be tired it's tragic honestly i think i'd be more cool #with school if i weren't living how i am rn w my family but eh i don't have the money to move out so it's whatever and it doesn't really #help that i know i'll have to get at least a master's to really do anything in my field and the though of doing more of this makes #me so tired i think i might take a gap year after i get my bachelors this fall idk #anyways enjoy my doodles or don't if you don't want to i'm not the boss of you

[blanchebees]

Not sure this is for me, i just can't bring myself to like this new look, good for them if they like it but yeah.

It's so out of nowhere that i am so confused.

#Also why keep vess and the choir looking the same but the others are like that??? #Sleep token #Surprised that so many like it #I'm not hating the boys I'm just ranting about this #If they keep these looks i don't know how long I'll keep enjoying them #That's my fear and I'm a bit worried #It wasn't like with the Impera masks #I don't think I'll find myself drawing those or liking them anytime soon #Don't get me wrong i still love their music and stuff

[ruegarding]

Hey, quick question if you don't mind me asking but what are your thoughts on Drew Tanaka as a character and how she was portrayed in HOO?

canon drew...well. i rbed this post that says "drew was not written as a character but rather a human obstacle who needed to be feminine so the ‘not like other girls’ could defeat her," and i think that summarizes it perfectly. she exists exclusively to make piper look good, which is a real shame bc drew could've been interesting. as-is, drew is not only uninteresting, piper is also uninteresting by extension. it'd be like if nancy was one of percy's greatest obstacles in tlt.

more under the cut bc i'm incapable of keeping things short.

here, in her introduction, not only is drew, a feminine girl, vain, she's also weak and unintimidating, a triple whammy right away! she has no reason to be antagonistic towards piper here, they literally just got to camp. piper's crime right now is *checks notes* not looking cute and existing next to a "good-looking guy." oh, yeah, btw drew likes jason for being hot and powerful.

this triple whammy isn't even restricted to drew, it's the entire aphrodite cabin. they all giggle when drew flirts w jason and when piper is uncomfortable being "gorgeous" and are too scared and weak to stand up to drew. the two exceptions are a guy who got in trouble for saying piper "might not be so bad" and a girl who's afraid of ugly shoes. what an uninteresting take.

anyway, moments like this

are everywhere. now, let's remember for a moment that the aphrodite cabin (including drew!) fought in a war where they were outnumbered and won. but yeah, their biggest strength is their ability to "make an orange t-shirt glamorous" bc piper is the only one out of them who can *checks notes* uhhh run? charmspeak on a quest? carry a knife? she doesn't even know how to fight in tlh! she wasn't at camp for more than two days, she never had any fighting experience! the fact that she's being called tougher than ppl who fought in a war makes me grit my teeth. and thalia was there when it happened!

and it doesn't even makes sense bc we see aphrodite like this is ttc

and she says this in tlh

(also sidenote: why is aphrodite's claiming so egregious and uncomfortable then? it's like rick has a moment of clarity and realizes he's being stupid and then immediately fucks it up again.)

this is interesting! and some of these kids (including drew!) would have met this aphrodite during the solstices. so portraying drew and the aphrodite cabin as a bunch of shallow kids obsessed w makeup that need to be saved by piper "not like other girls" mclean is so contrived. and constantly bringing up how piper's so much better than those shallow and weak aphrodite kids makes piper's entire character grating. rick brings up aneaus repeatedly throughout tlh, a son of venus/aphrodite that founded rome. why are we acting like aphrodite children are weak and stupid when we could be exploring literally anything else? like, you know, how they're traumatized?

and the thing is, he brings up silena! and it's done terribly. piper, who never knew silena and never will, lecturing drew, someone who knew silena and was betrayed by her, has always pissed me off. piper relating to silena bc she feels like she's in the same position? good, that's fine, i have no problem w this. but acting like she knew silena to ppl who actually did and then preaching abt what silena believed should've gotten her smacked (rick didn't even addressed the actual important part, which is how the other campers feel abt silena or how they feel abt surviving a war).

then when piper challenges drew, again, drew fought in a war while piper hasn't trained for a single day, why are we acting like piper could beat drew in a fight? piper can't even use charmspeak bc drew's resistant to it! that's the one advantage piper has! writing it like this comes off like piper is only strong as long as everyone else is weak. she's not rising to a challenge, her competitor is just so pathetic that she can overpower them. she didn't earn her strength. that's not good character development! so we're throwing two entire character arcs away for this!

what really gets me abt all of this is that piper didn't need to be a counselor. piper needed a place to belong. making drew nothing more than a stepping-stone was completely unnecessary, and making the aphrodite cabin weak and vain was redundant bc we already had an example w silena (and again, all the kids that fought in a war). as it is in canon, drew's character is a great example of some of rick's biggest writing flaws.

#thanks for enabling me to rant anon #i haven't read piper's pov in so long bc it makes me wants to bash my head in #this isn't me hating on piper btw it's just impossible for me to read her pov without getting a faceful of rick's sexism #there's literally nothing wrong w being feminine but rick always acts like it's evil or weak. like UGH #and tlh is prime w sexism i had to keep reeling myself in to focus just on drew #i have other posts abt it tho if u want to browse #drew tanaka #drew #rr crit #hoo crit #answered #min talks pjo

[thephantom]

To seek revenge may lead to Hell; everyone does it, though seldom as well... As Sweeney... As Sweeney Todd... The Demon Barber of Fleet Street! Josh Groban in the title role, 2023. @theriddletrades' master.

#*mine #sweeney todd #josh groban #murder daddy strikes! #okay i hate myself for typing that #but am i WRONG? #the best thing i've seen in the sweeney tag is 'born to be a girldad forced to murder' or smth along those lines like. HOW ACCURATE #anyways i wanna kiss him #the last gif. is so intense. he's so. that man has been waiting OVER A DECADE FOR THIS #AND NOW THE DEED IS DONE. AAAAAAAAAA #it's josh having to saw furiously on this poor guy's neck to make the blood packet explode for me #i almost CACKLED #it makes it so much more dramatic. you go sweeney. take off his head while ur at it! #tw long post #tw violence #tw blood

[stuckinapril]

I’ve always loved medicine bc it’s the perfect intersection of science and humanity—the two things I value above all else in this world. Truly adored it since I was in the cradle. But now I’m thinking about how so much of my journey to neurosurgery will have to involve KILLING my feelings essentially bc how do you survive otherwise

#Not to mention the surprisingly high suicide rate of surgeons that’s been brought to my attention lately #Honestly I just started my neuro internship and just saw my first patient in clinic #And on the day I did I was critical of my neurologist for being so robotic about it #Now I can see why #I’m still at a point where I can’t even do a chart review for a patient without feeling so fucking sad #And I can see how that can get unsustainable after a while #But it’s like if I kill the feelings that drive my passion for medicine to begin with then what’s the point #It’s not like I’m in it for the money or prestige bc that’s so dumb considering how long the schooling is #But literally how to deal #My supervisors at the clinic very much all speak about the dementia patients w a learned impartialness #But I don’t wanna be that way one day :( but how to be anything else and still survive #I’m pre med so I still have time and maybe my opinion will change and I’ll wanna do another specialty #But when it comes to this every specialty will involve human lives and navigating that regardless #That said I can see why surgeons are at higher risk or depression suicide etc #The whole point of this internship is to teach myself how to navigate this stuff but. Hate it #p #med tag

[lunarharp]

into the deep end - 30k T orufrey fic, focusing on memory trauma, disability, and romance.

the sweet oblivion of the victim, the poisoned freedom of the other.

for one moment - it had felt like two parts returned - the needed reunion of two disparate halves. no more secrets, no more pain.

the moment you get to give back what you never wanted to take. that moment, under the night-blooming flowers, when they had both let out the same single broken sigh of relief.

but they were never whole to begin with, were they?

qifrey swore he wouldn't say 'sorry' to this man any more if he could help it - sorry is cheap now. he didn't want to be in a position ever again where you only have 'sorry' left. so he just looks down into the threads of his blanket, strains his eye until it hurts, feeling his insides - his throat, heart and head - burn with pain. he expects more, but olly says nothing.

olly says nothing.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #sorry i wanted to make a new post for my fic since the first illustration is new. #*stands in the middle of a desolate field in the pouring rain* Please Read My Tale...Blease..Oh god please..*collapses to the ground* #someone asked if there's spoilers in it. Um...yes. Sorry...it's about everything #maybe i should describe it more? it's about qifrey becoming more and more disabled - as i feel is his canon trajectory #and both of them processing the choices that have been made. it was necessary for me to explore this in order to fully understand orufrey #and for them to have the cathartic conclusion-that's why this is important to me for my witch hat fanwork making life. this connects it all #and having dived into qifrey's mind and lived through oru's feelings i was able to get to a place that is possible for them. #the hit/kudos ratio is so pathetic idek what happened. ppl opening it realising its long and saving it for later or just bailing lmfao #idek any more i hate advertising my writing i hate trying to get more ppl to read my long fics it's so hard 🥲 #i'm so much prouder of this than my art...i was able to sink deeply into the orufrey feelings i had always wanted to fully explore #so. it's there lol.........i reread the date/kiss segment today after trying to forget about it thinking maybe the fic is just BAD lol #and like.....nope! i like it very much and this is what i was trying to get across. and it's always there to be read by anyone who wants to #and i will always remember the bliss i felt while writing when i was just lost in their world and living as them. dear GOD i love them. #i'm grateful to myself that i put in the work and love to make this so that i can always come back to it. i wanna illustrate scenes properly #but i'm never satisfied with drawing things i've written because i just can't capture the vivid experience in my mind. maybe one day.