#this spiraled out of control HARD

[300iqprower]

Since Septem was mentioned a week ago I have an excuse to say that Lu Bu was the one utterly screwed by it. Darius is glorified in Fate, and at the very least has a decent-ish role in Septem. Boudica had her time in Solomon’s Temple, as well as some event appearances. Lu Bu in Septem is all we fuckin get, ever, and he only shows up for two sections one of which involving him dying instantly to Altera.

He’s actually one of my favorite characters so it brings me so much pain to see him actually ignored, even when we go to China in lostbelt 3 where Chen Gong and Red Hare are featured we summon Mordred instead for some reason.

He doesn’t even get any attentions in events, his most iconic role was that time he adopted Fran in the knk event and even that has been taken over by Moriarty.

While I wouldn't consider anything Darius and Boduica got “content” - I don't even remember what Darius did in Septem and Boudica’s “moment” in Solomon was pretty blatantly them trying to retcon and excuse away how badly she was written - I do agree that Lu Bu has had even less attention. He’s barely above whatever tier Proto Cu and Erik are on, and I know that’s accurate because I actually only a few days ago realized he was in Septem at all after thinking “wait, is Lu Bu the only non FSN f2p unit who’s never been in a story chapter?” (side note, that’s actually Salome. If you’re picky it’s also Proto Cu and KoGil)

Honestly rather than replace Mordred with Lu Bu (they should have cut Mordred entirely and given proper focus to Nezha) they should have left Chen Gong and Red Hare out of SIN and make one of the serious events (Sea Monster Crisis, Little Big Tengu, Case Files, Ooku, etc) about the three kingdoms. Like a singularity where something throws it off to turn it into an eternal conflict and china and never truly unified. Make it so we go around with Gao as our ‘advisor’ with a focus on working with Lu Bu and Chen to end things. Due to his role as the Wild Card of the Three Kingdoms so to speak, Lu gets a conceptual advantage and becomes our trump card in putting a stop to everything. Red Hare can be the comic relief as per usual.

For new servants we can have: -SR human Guan Yu or SSR deified Guan Yu, either as lancer. -Cao Cao as SSR Saber/Rider. -We can also put in Diaochan as the obligatory new waifu, presumably a caster or assassin. -Zhurong if there’s a waifu quota to be met, Archer or Saber? -Caster Zhong Kui

All of them also work as a villain depending on how it would play out, from Deity Guan Yu being a sort of reverse Quirinus to Cao Cao gone mad to Diaochan being evil and sewing chaos like Lu Bu without caring about him any more, or Zhurong being an envoy of the god she takes her name from/some sort of evil revenge driven version of Lakshmi. OR it could be that Zhong Kui is our welfare, and what’s happened is that legions of vengeful spirits created and fueled by all the bloodshed of the warring states have possessed those like Guan Yu and Cao Cao and created an endless cycle of warfare. 

...but see also: Da Ji. Since they decided to fuck up Vitch’s plotline that at least means we could get a true Da Ji servant, something like she made the conflict eternal so she could terrorize china forever. Though I suppose that’d make it weird to not bring Jiang Ziya into things...but then again, Lu Bu is established as despising Tamamo sooooo-

Welfare could be human Guan Yu, Diaochan, Zhong Kui, or Zhurong, again all depending on exactly what the focus is and how it’d play out.  Other servants who could appear for more minor things: - Quiche, i’m sure he’d loathe how many potential rulers of china there are lol - Xiang Yu, for pretty obvious reasons both in regards to historical and nasuverse stuff - Zhuge Lliang, especially if Zhurong is involved. A good chance to finally have Zhuge take control for once. - Iskandar, i’m sure he’d have a field day with this “infinite lands to conquer” - Lakshmi/Trung Sisters due to both their proximity and similar struggle. - Wu Zeitan and Scheherazade, Agartha was Agarbage but that doesn’t mean they can’t make use of that similar experience to properly build on them, especially with Wu being a chinese servant and Scheherzade's parallels to the novelization of Three Kingdoms - Yang Guffei particularly if Da Ji and/or Wu appear. -Geronimo and Robin for both their guerilla warfare and if Zhurong is there their representation of underdogs trampled on by war.

Honestly stupid as it is the 6.5 Lostbelt has me wondering if we might still one day get a three kingdoms event. It seems like such a major thing to skirt around for so long, which is exactly how everyone felt about the Holy Roman Empire and we got that. Meanwhile while there’s chinese censorship and stuff they still went with Lostbelt 3, so ya know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

#fgo headcanons #fanservant stuff #lu bu #Chen Gong #fgo #writing shit #fgo au #this spiraled out of control HARD #i shoudl not have spent over an hour on this #Fate Grand Order #Zhong Kui is underrated #also I'm sure something could be done with #xing tian but i dunno enough chinese myth to give any ideas #romance of the three kingdoms #or as I call it - that thing Dynasty Warriors is totally historically accurate to. Definitely. #never thought I’d get an ask

[wildguarneres]

not the Logan documentary making me cry 😭

#he’s worked so hard and it all seems to be spiralling out of control now #the hopefulness and positivity of this little doc vs how the last year has been for him (not to mention last weekend) is so crushing #i’m not denying he had quite a few self-inflicted struggles in 2023 but he’s also just been so unlucky #and the number of people hating him not even bc of last season but based on only TWO races of this season….. #a bunch of guys were stuck behind the kmag train in jeddah but unsurprisingly logan’s the only one i’ve seen get crap for it #cmon kid prove everyone wrong this year PLEASE 🙏🏼 #may Williams’ humiliating decision last weekend light a fire under his butt like never before #logan sargeant #ls2 #formula one

[0xochitlsketches0]

As the poets say, You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round~ ✨

#me looking at my corn dogs in the microwave #anyways ✨ turn arounds bby!!! #plz don’t look too hard there are so many mistakes 💀 #I didn’t have time to fix them so these will have to do 😭 #one of the birds is like #a second off from the other #so they sink up every now and then before spiraling out of control then link back up again skfhdjkdn #non flame pyre is my fav #baby girl looks so good 🥺🥺🥺 #donno what happened to the rest of these uglies 💀 #I hate hate hate turn arounds so I hope the next time I have to do this I’ll be dead ✌️ #turnarounds #eureka rambles

[violamonty]

are they attending romeo and juliette's third wedding or a mandatory after-hours holiday work party? you decide, because they're getting kicked out in five minutes for being obnoxious either way

#ts2 #tybalt capp #mercutio monty #tycutio #ts2 premades #veronaville #i wanted an excuse to put mercutio in a dress and it spiraled out of control from there. (looking away) #dont look at the hair too hard i know its clipping.......... #my renders

[majorproblems77]

So, because I have way too much time on my hands.

@trippygalaxy I blame you for this

Introducing a new segment - Skyward Sword Link ranks the beds of Skyloft

(Yes I found and slept in everyone I could - no I don't regret it man got a month's worth of sleep)

Starting with the academy beds (Not including his)

Fledge

8/10 - cute vibes, like the plants.

Crawlin

3/10 - Lower bunks are overrated

Groose

0/10 - Crawlin is a bitch and wouldn't let me sleep

Karane

7/10 - Bed kinda short, rooms got cute vibes tho

Zelda

10/10 - But Link misses his girlfriend

Instructor horwell

100/10 - Got Mia cuddles 10/10 would sleep again

Instructor Owlan

7/10 - Love a good book, but this is ridiculous

Now for the rest of Skyloft

Orielle and Parrow

7/10 - Good vibes but just different flavours of the same bed

Peatrice's house

4/10 - Bamboo aint the most comfy and the heart bed is just odd

Piper's house

2/10 - house is too cramped not comfy vibes for sleeping

Kukiel's House

9/10 - Massive bed best for starfishing good rest

Beedle's airship

1/10 - Bad for the back, awful for the rest, never again

Pipit's house

2/10 - SO... MUCH.... DUST

Rupin's house

4/10 - Identical beds, but the curtains are nice I guess?

Bertie's house

5/10 - Average bed, kiddo was loud tho...

Gondo' house

6/10 - Same bed different flavours, but with nice colours :D

Sparrot's house

7/10 - Good vibes again, here for the pretty lights above the bed

Fave napping bench

100000/10 - Best spot to nap on the island, great view

Hope you enjoyed looking through this totally pointless post :D

I spent way to long on this hahaha

#SKSW Link #Bed ranking #did you know you can sleep in every single bed (near enough) in skyloft #i didnt #i do now #some of these were hard to track down lol #Link is sleepy #SKSW Link ranks the beds of skyloft? #This took me so long lmao #SO MUCH RUNNING AROUND #This was a simple conversation that spiraled out of control #i love it #Please give this some love i spent way to long doing this #Skyward sword #SKSW #loz sksw #loz skyward sword #loz ss

[jackroach-does-theories]

so we all agree that misha is almost certainly mikhail's grandson, yes?

they're probably gonna confirm that in 2.2 update, like there's no way he isn't, there's just too much there to ignore. But what if I take this a step further. what if i went a little insane over what might just be a tiny insignificant coincidence and created the craziest bullshit ever

i don't know how to explain this one but something something honkaiverse imaginary tree and stellarons are basically just star rail's version of honkai energy, welt keeps being haunted by ghosts of his past so why not einsla next, and also this is connected to genshin lore somehow idk how exactly but it is, maybe watchmaker is the second descender or something maybe teyvat is a dreamscape like penacony is idk idegaf nothing is real anymore . TLDR einstein is misha's mom (Real and not copium)

#roach.txt #i uhh had more thoughts on the genshin piece but then i forgor. was probably gonna make a seperate post anyway so w/e #i'll remember eventually and then i can make that post and we can all be happy yayyyy #i hope this image conveys the feeling of "having a lowkey mental breakdown and spiraling out of control'' #because that's how ive felt for the past two hours and that's how i think this train of thought is best communicated #weird bullshit that seems haphazardly thrown together but actually makes way too much sense but is hard to put into words is my brand anywa #oh anyway uhhh tags #honkai star rail #honkai impact 3rd #genshin impact #lieserl albert einstein #frederica nikola tesla #misha hsr #<- really fucked up that that;s the tag. Misha from homestar runner #mihoyo #hoyoverse

[good-beanswrites]

hii hiii is it alright if I request something with kotoko and haruka?(platonic ofc) their character foils drive me insane with all the weak stuff authngghn icant be normal about them

Oooh thank you so much for the request! I realized that these two actually have one of the smallest windows to talk easily, given Haruka's nervousness and Kotoko's T2 changes. They have such interesting approaches to strength/weakness, and I hope I could capture it a bit here! This takes place immediately following Kotoko's bday timeline after Harrow's release:

“I’ll accept those birthday wishes…” Kotoko gave him a wave over her shoulder as she returned to making her bed.  

She shook her head in awe. It was rather impressive how quickly the boy had changed after his verdict. The others had more subtle differences, but he was someone entirely new. She could rest easy, at least, knowing that her verdict wouldn’t change her much. For as long as she could remember, she’d been like this. She knew where she stood, and neither guilty nor innocent verdict would affect that. This verdict was really only an indicator on whether the warden could be trusted or not. 

Her body tensed up when she turned back around, startled by Haruka lingering silently in the doorway. She decided against chastising him for scaring her half to death. Still, she couldn’t keep the bite from her voice as she asked, “did you need something else?”

“Ah… I just…” He twisted his hands together. “I had a question.” 

He fell silent, but Kotoko could tell he was chewing on his next words. She waited.

“H-how do you do it? All the time? You’re older and stronger and braver and I-I just don’t know how.”

“Give yourself some credit. I’m not that much older, or stronger. I only have, what -- two, three years on you? And you did very well in the arm wrestling tournament the other day.” 

She wasn’t being patronizing. For someone so sheltered, Haruka could do some damage. He stood a few inches taller than her. The others had taken the arm wrestling as a little game, but Kotoko had used the event to measure up her fellow prisoners. After his close match with Mikoto, she had made a mental note to take him seriously. 

“No…” his expression twitched, getting frustrated with the misunderstanding. “Not muscles. I mean… you don’t have someone like Muu. You don’t need someone next to you all the time. But you still talk with everyone… and it looks easy. All the time. You always know what to say, and what to do. You never look scared. You never cry.”

Kotoko’s smile softened. She wasn’t the prideful type, but his words gave her a wave of accomplishment. She certainly was scared. She did cry. But she wasn’t about to show a single crack in her resolve in front of anyone here. Haruka had given her the greatest of compliments by confirming her success.

“Ah, you mean strength of spirit. Well, that doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It comes with my purpose, with my virtues.”

“Virtues…?”

“I see the injustice around me, and want to protect the innocent. When I see how awful the world can be, when I see the monsters that are hurting those who are weak, I can’t help myself.” She clenched her fist. “The power to do so just comes to me.” 

“Oh…” Haruka looked down at his palms. 

Her heart sank, realizing he didn’t quite understand. It was a shame that not all of humanity could be as righteous as her. That heroic drive had always come so naturally to her; she wasn’t sure she could put it into words to explain to others.

Haruka’s open hands were trembling. “Um. Is there any other way?”

“Hm?”

“All my life… I only cause pain to everyone.” His worry gradually turned to desperation.” I hurt everyone who gets close to me. Especially things that are small and weak. My whole life, I’ve been nothing but a… a curse. So… is there another way? Please. I want to be better. I want to be strong! I want to be like you! Tell me!”

He stepped forward, pleading. Kotoko stepped back. 

His blue eyes widened at her sudden shift into defense. “Ah! I. I’m sorry. I’m-I’m sorry. It’s your birthday. You should be… Have a g-good day.”

“Wait.” Kotoko stopped him before he could flee. She was aware of the massive gap between them, the vastly different backgrounds they came from. Still, she offered the same advice that had helped her in her toughest of days. 

“Don’t worry so much about others’ strength. The quickest way to burn yourself out is getting overwhelmed with the power that’s all around you. Once you start putting all your focus toward honing your own skills and strengths, you’ll realize how much you’re truly capable of. You don’t need anyone else. You’ll realize that you are enough.”

“I… am enough…?”

She placed a hand firmly on his shoulder. 

“So, no need to get all worked up now, okay?” 

“O-okay. I’ll do my best.” He stiffened, trying to appear worthy of her words.

She let out a bitter laugh. “I told the others not to do anything for my birthday, but I don’t think they paid me any mind.” Kotoko still couldn’t fathom how they were so friendly with each other given the situation. “Let’s go see if there’s some cake or something.”

#milgram #kotoko yuzuhira #haruka sakurai #thank you so much! this one was super interesting to write 👀 #the thing is even though they dont have any direct problem between them they would still have a hard time communicating #but once they DO communicate there would so much they could learn from/help each other with!!! #this is leaning into my theory that kotokos murder (like harukas) was a rightful emotion that spiraled out of control #it really puts it into perspective how young kotoko is when you remember shes not too much older than haruka #and theyre both susceptible to strong emotions that stem from feeling weak int he face of the big scary world #but kotokos sees her as some blessing of power to serve her heroic thoughts and haruka sees his as a curse #ty to my pals who helped me find the exact spot in the timeline i was looking for 🙏 #although kotoko doesnt believe she can change that easily she 100% undergoes the exact type of dramatic change as the others #once again referencing the arm wrestling info from yamanaka #between that and the fact that strangulation actually takes a fair amount of power #i just think its very good to remember that haruka is so physically strong #also something something kids looking up and wanting to be like kotoko and her complex emotions on that.... #these two are sooooo interesting AH #drabbles

[starheirxero]

The theory that Eclipse screamed "where am I?!" during today's episode in the middle of the bleeps does some next level cocomelon shit to me. It makes me want to start saying some absolutely atrocious, violent shit about that man <3

#xero says things #[gripping the table so hard im leaving claw marks] scream louder. cry with all your heart. beg for your life. #i hope you are filled with such a dread that you can do nothing but yell and yell until your voice box fizzles out from the volume #are you scared little machine? are you lost? are you spiralling out of control? #let me see. show it. show it. /show it./ #AHEM. straightens tie. #ANYYYYYWAYS. #tsams #eclipse #angst #I GUESS.

[jittyjames]

ptsd is being such a bitch to me tonight guys. your girl is not doing well.

#i don’t want to feel this way #but i don’t know how to stop it #i just feel myself spiraling out of control again and all of these thoughts keep coming with it #it wont leave me alone #i want it to leave me alone #i don’t want to go on more meds bc they fucked me up even more and i want to be able to think #but my heart has started pounding so quickly again that i can’t focus on anything else #i feel so empty and weird and vague #december is always a bad time and it’s hard when i don’t have class or work as a distraction #i’m always on the verge of crying and #i just do all these breathing techniques that don’t work #and i just lay in a ball on my bed shaking and hurting #you know it’s bad when even writing doesn’t calm me down #ocd combining with ptsd is a hell of a thing #how can you calm yourself down when you’re not thinking rationally and it won’t leave your head #part of me just wants to panic and get it over with but i feel like if i start i won’t be able to stop and just simply fly into hysterics #idk #just haven’t felt this bad in a while #i just want to get out of my head so bad #i wish i could turn thinking off #sorry i know y’all aren’t my therapist and i should get my own #but im still on my parents insurance and i don’t think they would allow that #i don’t mean to vent #i just feel really hopeless and shit rn #anyway #i’m going to try to sleep and hope it will be better in the morning #it wont be tho lol #nothing is ever better #bc the universe and god hate me

[baddminton]

Uh oh!

#when you're fully aware you're repeating a cycle you broke two years ago #and you're trying so so hard to grab all the shattered fragments of yourself and piece them back together #before you lose them and spiral out if control again #miss them but dont miss the way i felt and im feeling that way again #only im not angry im SCARED of falling back into what i was for years #i know im being cryptic and vague i just hotta put this somewhere and #delete later

[thealatvs]

two idiots with a history of miscommunication finally get their honeymoon after fucking off to the demon realm and leaving the human world in the hands of resident best boy (alternatively, the result of me reading angst)

#dmc #spardacest #devil may cry #dmc vergil #dmc dante #verdan #this was drawn while reading by alternate death by londonfalling #which definitely did not ruin my life #am i sadistic for enjoying dantes suffering #or masochistic because i keep on chugging along #even though it hurts so badly #well #i drew this because i physically had to put down my phone due to how emotional it made me #and it sort of spiraled out of control #kind of like dante #i dont believe ive ever had to use my brain so hard to read a character #but call that the vergil effect #me and the eventual romance tag exchanging glances #me with tears running down my face #it with a silent smile

[dutybcrne]

Making myself sad by wondering if Kaeya had NEVER seen Diluc mad at him before that fateful confrontation

#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. ); #//Kae getting mad at Luc for whatever and streasing him tf out? yes #//But what if Diluc; having been told by Crepus to help look after Kae and what he’s been through; resolved to be endlessly patient #//No matter how resistant Kae is to opening up; no matter how many times he’s frozen out #//No matter how many mistakes Kaeya made; again and again; even if they hurt Luc in the process #//What if bby Luc managed to ensure Kae would NEVER see him upset with him; EVER #//That sincere; ray of sunshine keeping that promise to his father until That Day #//Until Crepus was gone & Kaeya; likewise hurt & spiraling; finally pushed Luc past the breaking point he was already toeing the line of #//And THAT was the first time Kae ever bore the full brunt of Diluc’s fiery anger #//FINALLY knew what it was like to be the one on the other end of it; having only ever seen others get that treatment & happy he never had #//And no matter how hard Kae’d tried to harden his heart after seeing Crepus with that delusion; tried to steel his resolve #//He broke all over again. & far worse than the damage Dawn could ever do to him. All bc of that rage & weight of what he did to incur it #//He’d rather let that fiery phoenix consume him in full and agony than ever bear such hatred from Luc again #//Even if he’s come to see annoying Diluc as the only real way to get his attention nowadays. But what else can he do? Leave him be? #//He knows damn well he can’t. He’s too sentimental for that; no matter how flippant he makes himself out to be #//Love to think on the flip side; Luc after processed what he did/what happened; after his destructive; murderous time in Snezhnaya #//Just resolved to never let his anger go that far EVER again. No matter how he’s pushed or prodded #//He’s seen firsthand how dangerous and irreversible the effects of his anger can be. In Snezhnaya & the Fatui. In Kaeya #//He would swear to NEVER take that lightly and lapse his self-control in such a way ever again #//Bc sb he cares abt; like Kaeya; might not be so lucky the next time around if he’s not careful

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol #except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade #plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me #god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set #looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u #the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno? #it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control #executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont #wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral #sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive #lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not #forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho #my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly #need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im #dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter #what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by #my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything #interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to #fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i #described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that #idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean #ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said #she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the #parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the #disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage #but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain #just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked #unrelated

[batsinurbelfrey]

.

#mental illness sucks so much kuz ur friends are all out experiencing beautiful things and sometimes even sending you pictures #and yet you cant reply because unbeknownst to them you are stuck in a Friday night lay-in-the-dark-and-spiral episode #asking yourself like 'will the fact that I have to take so much benadryl cause me to get early onset alzheimers and rob me of my old age?' #'will my body break down before its time because of how hard it has always had to work just to keep me alive with my disabilities?' #'will i some day get ovarian cancer and die because it kept getting written off for a decade like my pcos did?' #'is my birth control going to kill me? apparently the brand I'm on is really dangerous' #'what if after everything ive done and fought through. i don't even get to live the life I've been working towards?' #and other shit like that on repeat until you like. throw up or pass out #sometimes i almost miss being severely depressed because at least in a way i almost had more peace then. at least around the future and #death concerns. since i. yk. didnt care if i lived or died vs caring SO much- #vent #personal

[bnesszai]

Write them at an auction, i said to myself, it'll be fun, i told myself.

Lies.

#idk wtf I'm doing #this fic is quickly spiraling out of control #(what else is new) #writing is hard

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework