#too much weird stuff. like i wouldn’t hate anybody for recommending it to me

[obsidianfr3sk]

Shooting Star

@renegades-ship-weeks - Renegades Ship Week #1 | Humon - Dancing

Summary: Maybe it was the fact that Simon wasn’t aware of Max’s weird tendency to sleep when they played upbeat songs. Or maybe that he had never heard that song. He had seen him dancing at public events, with him or with other members of the Council. He had also seen him dancing during their wedding day, and he was dancing with him. But he hadn’t seen him dancing like that before.

AO3

SKDJFJHDSJ IT’S TODAY, IT’S TODAY SDKFJHJDSK TODAY THE RENEGADES SHIP WEEK STARTS TODAY AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO START IT WITH SOME RENEGAYS CONTENT <3

Ok, so this... is kind of a songfic (? I thought the format fitted the prompt better. The song I choose for this is Shooting Star by Owl City (thank you, Dawnie, for letting me know about its existance uwu). I’d recommend you hear the song before reading this or when the dancing scene arrives (you’ll know, don’t worry). 

None of this would be possible without the help of the amazing  @greasicookies. Thanks for hosting this event✨ I don’t know if there has been another thing like this before, but this is actually my first ship weeks in this fandom and I’m so exited!! I hope we can get a lot more! And for those who are still thinking about participating or not, go for it c:

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoy!✨

Tag list: @honey-hippie-harper @healing-winston-pratt @lackadae @the-wee-woo-rita @dt-everwoods @greenalmond 

When the sun goes down and the lights burn out,

then it's time for you to shine

brighter than a shooting star.

So shine no matter where you are.

Enough time had passed for him to forget the first time he danced with Hugh.

It was one of the downsides of knowing someone for a long time. The first time they probably danced together was to some tune they heard on the radio in the living room of one of their houses, the park, or the street, but it happened when he was so young, that now, Simon couldn’t remember what song it was, if the sky was blue that day, or how the concept of dancing looked like for them at that age.

But one of the advantages of knowing someone for a long time was that you were constantly making memories with them. So, for him, the first time he really danced with Hugh, was during their wedding day. And it was beautiful and romantic, and if he could live inside a moment for the rest of his existence, it would be that one.

And he didn’t even feel embarrassed while he was doing it.

Not that he was embarrassed to dance with his husband in public. It was something he had… thought about. That maybe there was still someone inside of him that was constantly telling him he was wrong, that his feelings were wrong, and that everything that Hugh represented was also wrong, and since he was thinking about that stuff in the middle of the night, he woke up Hugh to tell him that he loved him (to which Hugh responded, “Okay. I don't love it when you wake me up though.")

The next day, Adrian was invited to a birthday party. He was super excited because it was the first birthday party he attended after the Age of Anarchy. Adrian hadn’t looked that happy in months, and even though Simon didn’t feel like going, he did, just so he could share that little moment of happiness with his son. The three of them walked down the street to the house where the party was being hosted, and it didn’t take long for Adrian to join the other kids.

Hugh and Simon sat down at an empty table. They didn’t mind being the only ones there because, at least, they could talk to each other. Although, now that Simon remembered, they were, like, a feet apart from each other, and that morning, after he got out of the shower, he saw Hugh standing in front of the mirror while wearing a random shirt.

As soon as he walked into the room, he asked him:

“Do you think this shirt looks too… gay?”

And Simon just said:

“Love. Everything you wear looks gay.”

He ended up wearing another shirt anyway. And khakis.

Yeah.

Luckily, it was a one-time thing.

At that moment, he was feeling a little bit awkward because they didn’t know anybody at that party, but everyone else seemed to know each other. Simon was pretty sure that the only reason they weren’t actively trying to talk to them was that they weren’t sure if they could, not because those suburban mothers and their husbands were hate-criming them or something.

They definitely weren’t hate-criming them. And he wasn’t being sarcastic. Simon was also wearing khakis that day, plus a purple polo, so they ended up looking like a couple of straight friends who decided to adopt a kid to strengthen their friendship or something.

He was eating a brownie he had gotten from the candy bar when they both received a message from Kasumi about something that was going on at Headquarters and that she needed one of them to be there (adding “pretty please” at the end of the sentence so it didn’t sound too harsh).

They looked at each other and Hugh raised an eyebrow.

“Do you want me to go?”

Simon shrugged. “I can go if you want to.”

“No, I’ll go. You stay with Adrian. Let me say goodbye to him.”

Adrian got out of the trampoline as soon as he heard his name. Hugh explained the situation to him, but then assured him that they would see each other at the house, and then Adrian asked him if he wanted him to save some cake for him. He smiled, told him that would be nice, and kissed his forehead before going with the mom that was hosting the party to thank her for inviting them (only because Simon told him he had to, since he had seen enough movies to know that if he didn’t, those evil white mothers would hate them for the rest of their lives and wouldn’t let their kids play with theirs).

Adrian returned to the trampoline soon after that, and since Hugh hadn’t finished his brownie, Simon didn’t see why he couldn’t do it for him. He stayed there, doing his best not to think about all the things others may be saying about him for sitting at a table all by himself and fighting against his instinct to disappear.

Which he ended up doing when he heard some kid saying “ Pops ” right next to him.

It took him longer to realize that kid was Adrian and he was talking to him.

They stared at each other for a while before Simon said, “What’s wrong, darling?”

Adrian was smiling. There wasn’t anything wrong with him. “Can you enter the competition with me?”

But when he looked at where his kid was pointing, he realized there was something very wrong with that competition.

First of all, the judge was a clown that had been going around the party giving balloon animals and doing typical clown stuff with the kids, and he didn’t know why, but Simon had always had an irrational… not fear, but distrust towards clowns. Maybe it was because when he went to his first birthday party at the age of four, his animal balloon popped after just a few seconds of having him, and the clown, being completely done with him, gave him another and told him: “Don’t be gay, kiddo” , in a really rude and condescending tone (but who knows.)

Then, it was a dancing competition.

Dancing .

In front of another fifteen kids and their parents.

And Simon wanted to say no because he knew he didn’t have to do anything that would make him feel uncomfortable in any way…

But he ended up saying yes. Because he wanted to see Adrian happy,  and he knew Adrian would be happy if they participated in the competition.

So he just nodded and let him guide him to the center of the dancefloor, which was only a small portion of the garden that was covered in gravel. Then, Adrian extended his hands towards him, Simon grabbed them and waited until the music started to play.

It wasn’t… that bad. Honestly, Simon has done more embarrassing things during his lifetime. For example, when Queen Bee punched him during a fight while she was wearing not one, but three rings, and she started to laugh as soon as she saw the first tears running down his face. Simon turned invisible so no one could see him, but it was already too late and everyone there already knew Dread Warden was crying like a little kid because a lady had punched him a little too hard.

And no one was laughing at him for that (except Queen Bee because, as his enemy, that was her job), but he felt like every single one of those people, who were more busy trying to escape the bees that were buzzing around during the fight, were actually paying enough attention to him to laugh at his tears. So that's why, that afternoon, while Adrian was having the time of his life trying to win that competition with his dad, he could only think that bunch of seven-year-olds was making fun of him (the same way those four-year-old made fun of him when the clown called him gay).

It felt like a lot. And they didn't win, but as soon as they got eliminated, he waited for Adrian to go back with the other kids, turned invisible, made his way to the bathroom, and proceeded to puke his guts out as soon as he kneeled in front of the toilet. He spent a good ten minutes waiting for the panic attack to pass before deciding he could go back to the party as nothing had happened.

The first thing he saw after returning to the backyard, was Adrian looking around, totally lost in that sea of people. And as soon as he noticed Simon was there, he let go of the balloon animal he was holding, and just ran towards him and hugged him tightly by the waist.

Simon immediately hugged him back.

A little confused. But he didn't hesitate to hug him back.

“Pops… I'm feeling sick” Adrian mumbled.

“You're feeling sick?” he nodded slightly. That was his chance. “You know, I'm feeling a little bit sick too. What if we… just— go home?”

Adrian was super on board with that idea and didn't let go of Simon while he did his best to look normal while he said goodbye to the birthday boy and his parents. They had served the cake while he was gone, so the mom gave him four pieces inside a small plastic container, which only meant he was going to go back to that house to return it to her.

When they arrived at the house, Adrian grabbed him by the waist again and he refused to let him go, even after Simon kindly asked him to do it so he could make some tea for the two of them (because, for what Adrian told him while they were in the car, he was dizzy and had a stomach ache). But Adrian grabbed him tighter, so Simon had to be extra careful while making the chamomile tea because he was terrified of burning his kid with the boiling water. Then, he put both cups in a small tray and slowly walked to the living room, where he put it on the coffee table and sat down with Adrian on the couch.

Adrian grabbed his cup (that was shaped like an orange and had a smiley face) and Simon realized it was the first time he drank tea with him.

“Be careful, darling.”

“I will…”

And while he saw him sipping his tea, he just knew he had to ask him.

“Adrian— did something happen while I was gone?” he whispered. Adrian didn’t turn to see him. “Did— the kids laugh at you? Did someone there make you feel… bad? You can tell me.”

Adrian continued sipping his tea a little bit before putting it back on the tray. After that, he finally looked him in the eye, opened his mouth to answer, and—

He started crying.

When he finally managed to calm down a little, he explained to him that he got scared when he went to the table to ask him if he wanted cake too because he thought something bad had happened to him.

Adrian— well, he thought that Simon had died.

And it broke his heart because it wasn’t like Adrian didn’t have a completely valid reason to believe that.

So they stayed there, on the couch, hugging each other, until Adrian stopped crying and told him he wanted to go play with his toys.

His tea was already cold by then. But Adrian had finished his’, so that was a good thing. He knew chamomile tea helped to reduce anxiety levels.

It didn’t help him though.

Hugh called Simon to tell him he was going to stay at Headquarters the rest of the day and Adrian suddenly developed supernatural hearing because he was able to hear his dad’s voice from the other side of the house. He asked Simon to pass him the phone and stayed a couple of minutes talking with Hugh, telling him about how awesome the party had been and that he wanted to see him again soon.

Then, the rest of the day went as normal. Except that, occasionally, Adrian left what he was doing and went to where Simon was. Just... to make sure he was still there, he guessed.

At least he wasn’t saying anything about the fact of Hugh not being there with them. Because Adrian only had two moods when it came to the relationship with his dads, and one of them was “If I don’t see you and my daddy in this exact moment, right in front of me, I’m literally gonna cry and scream until I explode” , and it would have been a little bit difficult to deal with that at the moment.

He didn’t say anything when he put on his pajamas and went upstairs to wait for Simon to finish his chores so they could go to bed together. It took him a little bit longer than he expected because he was organizing the fridge (he spent like forty minutes trying to remember the very specific organization system Hugh had implemented the first minute they moved to that house), but he eventually did and when he entered the room, Adrian was already falling asleep.

So he kissed him goodnight and tried to sleep too.

He was about to do it when Hugh opened the bedroom’s door.

Instead of saying “I’m home” , “Hi, love” , or even asking “What’s the kid doing here?” , he greeted him with:

“Did you clean the fridge?”

And Simon immediately knew he had messed up the organization system.

“Yes, I did. It smelled like eggs.”

“The cheese goes next to the eggs. Animal products go together.”

He didn’t sound mad.

He sounded condescending, but he kind of knew he didn’t mean to.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he answered.

He heard him taking his uniform off before putting on normal clothes, and he laid next to Adrian. He slightly opened his eyes and a small smile appeared on his face; then he rolled over and got closer to him.

They waited for Adrian to fall asleep again before they started talking about their days.

“So, yeah,” Simon said after finishing the tale of how he had a panic attack so violent that he ended up puking in a very elegant and suburban bathroom at a stranger’s house. “I think dancing is not my thing.”

“Dancing sucks,” Hugh said. Adrian was drooling a little bit on his shirt, but either he didn't notice or he just didn't care.  “I have never had… a panic attack over that, but… I don’t like it. It feels unnatural. And I’m not very good at it anyway.”

“You don’t like doing things you’re not good at.”

“Not gonna lie, it kind of hurts my ego.”

Simon snorted and Hugh smiled a little bit.

A day after that, Adrian asked Simon if they could go eat at that fast food restaurant they had passed by last week when they were going to Headquarters. He agreed and the three of them went to the exact place Adrian said. It was located in a… “not very nice zone” and apparently, all the parents of the city had decided to bring their kids there too, which meant it was loud and messy, and those employees were obviously overworked.

Hugh and he would have turned around as soon as they saw the state of the place, but Adrian was in a weird mood, and it was Simon’s turn to make dinner, something he didn’t feel like doing. So he told Hugh to pick something at random (after he spent a whole minute looking at the options) and order a combo with a toy for Adrian, plus twenty nuggets that Simon was not willing to share with any members of his family.

Adrian’s order arrived first. He had already finished his burguer when his dads got their meals, and he announced to them (because he wasn't going to ask for permission) that he was going to go play at the playground. Hugh told him to be careful, but Adrian practically ignored him and took off before he could even finish saying “... and don’t you dare take off your socks while you’re inside that thing”.

Simon started to play with Adrian’s toy (a cheap action figure of a random white man that wore a green jacket and was winking at him) while Hugh saw through the glass that separated them from the playground area, probably making sure Adrian didn’t get hurt or took off his socks, which in his head, would have been worse.

When Hugh was finally able to calm down, he turned to see Simon.

“So— you really eat those twenty nuggets by yourself.”

“Nineteen,” Simon corrected. “This—” he showed the nugget to him “—is the last one. Do you want it?”

He had his own nuggets and a cheeseburger he hadn’t finished yet. “Only if you don’t want it.”

“Nah. I do want it,” he answered. “I was just trying to be nice.”

Simon put the nugget inside his mouth and while he was chewing it, he realized Hugh was staring at him, but he couldn’t figure out why until he blurted out:

“I'm sorry I wasn't there for you during the party.”

He wasn’t expecting that.

“Oh—” he took a sip of his soda “—Don’t worry. You didn’t know.”

“Next time call me. So I can help you.”

And he promised himself (and Hugh) he would do it by taking his hand under the table and nodding, before resting his head on his shoulder.

“Do you think I shouldn’t have eaten those twenty nuggets?” he asked after a while.

“Not all at,” Hugh assured him. “Actually, it was very sexy of you.”

“I feel very sexy right now, not gonna lie.”

“Good. Because I think you should kiss me. If you’re in the mood for that.”

Simon was in the mood for that. He first kissed Hugh’s cheek, but he thought it wasn’t enough, so he decided to go for his lips. He wasn’t able to stop when he felt Hugh’s putting his hand on his knee, and before they could start making out in the middle of a restaurant as if they were a couple of straight teenagers, he heard a pitched voice say “Ew!”, which immediately made them break the kiss and go into fight mode, ready to be kicked out and banned from ever coming back there.

But it was only Adrian.

“Ew, pops, don’t do that,” he kept saying. “Why are you kissing him?”

“Because he’s my husband, Adrian. And your dad.”

Adrian crossed his arms and frowned.

“Well, I don’t like it—” he extended his hand “—Can I have some ice cream, pops?”

“You didn’t finish your fries, son,” Hugh pointed out. But he didn’t listen to him, again, and asked Simon once more if he could have some ice cream, making a lot of emphasis when he pronounced “pops” .

And there it was, Adrian’s second mood: “I only love you, pops, and if someone gives me enough candy bars, I would throw Captain Chromium down the stairs.”

A year has gone by since then. Therapy and meds had helped him a lot so he had never needed to call him during a panic attack, mostly because when that happened, someone was always willing to help him. For example, one time Tamaya and Simon went to a departmental store during their lunch break because she wanted to buy a bag of eggnog gummies that were only sold there, and Adrian decided to join them. There, Simon turned around for a quick second to check a mirror that would look amazing at their house before realizing that his kid had disappeared. He could see Tamaya looking at some little bird statues that they sold there (being extra careful as to not hit anything with her wings), but Adrian was nowhere to be seen. So obviously he started this frenetic search for him, which lasted, like, five minutes, because Tamaya eventually found Simon, and told him that Adrian had been with her the whole time, just that he was too short for Simon to notice him. They had to go to the restroom and Tamaya grabbed Simon’s and Adrian’s hands while they both calmed down, telling them from time to time that everything was all right (but deep down, Simon knew it really wasn’t; they were in the ladies restroom and there was a mother with his kid that looked at them in a weird way).

Tamaya must have told Kasumi about the whole thing because she taught him a few strategies she had learned to control her own panic attacks. She had been going to therapy too but read a few books about spirituality and meditation, not because she was super into it, but because she thought some concepts were interesting. One time, Evander was the only one there and since empathy wasn’t his strong suit, the only thing he kept saying was “Breathe, Simon, breathe, for fuck’s sake”. He wasn’t yelling, but he wasn’t being nice either, and honestly, that attitude only worsened Simon’s state; he even began to scream that he needed to go to the hospital because he thought he was dying, and Evander began to panic too because he had never been alone when Simon was in that state. Eventually, Simon remembered the promise he made and tried to reach for his phone while mumbling something about calling Hugh, but Evander told him not to worry about it, that he was going to call him.

And Evander, instead of grabbing his phone and doing that, opened the door, and after making sure no one else was there, he yelled:

“HUGH, SIMON NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU!”

Hugh was there in a matter of seconds.

Most of the time, he was there in a matter of seconds.

He kind of knew that if he ever needed the same kind of help, Hugh was going to call him but he never did. Not until a couple of months ago.

They were at a Women’s Day event. There was a group of dancers that was going to do a kind of opening number; a performance in honor of the victims of femicide. Tamaya was going to give a speech about the issue and how that day wasn’t of celebration, but of reflection and remembrance. Kasumi was hugging her ukulele case (she was going to perform a song she had written during the Age of Anarchy, which she refused to show the rest of the team), Evander was reading a pamphlet someone had given him, and Simon was holding Hugh’s hand, trying to hide the fact they weren’t doing much.

Suddenly, Hugh asked him: “Why is it so hot in here?”

They were at Cosmopolis Park and it was March. He didn’t feel it was that hot to be honest.

Evander turned to see them and smirked. “I’m sorry.”

Kasumi rolled her eyes and Tamaya hit him in the back of the head, without even bothering to take her eyes away from her notes.

Hugh didn’t think it was funny. “I’m being serious— It’s really hot.”

“Change into your civilian clothes after the inauguration,” Kasumi said.

The five of them were wearing their uniforms. Tamaya had a purple kerchief (that represented the feminist movement) around her wrist and Kasumi had a green one (that represented the fight for reproductive rights). Evander and Simon had talked about changing their clothes and put on the gray t-shirts the male members of patrol units were wearing. Only the female members were wearing their full uniforms because when the sun started to go down, there was going to be a march and they were going to be the ones protecting the people there. Tamaya and Kasumi had told them that the feminist organizations they were in contact with had told them they didn’t want any male patrol units during the march, but said that if Hugh, Simon, Evander, or Adrian wanted to go, they could. Simon was the only one who told them he accepted, Hugh and Evander remained quiet, and he wasn’t even sure if Adrian was aware of the situation, since he had decided to stay at Headquarters with Prism.

But Simon was about to tell Hugh about what Evander and he were going to do when Hugh said: “ No .”

Because he was working. And when he was working, he had to wear his superhero suit.

Tamaya and Kasumi had more important matters to attend to, so they dismissed Hugh and continued with their plans. The leader of the dance group told them they were ready, and the five of them walked to the stage. Instead of being the first one to talk (like he did at every event) Hugh stayed back and allowed Tamaya to do her thing.

He didn't seem like he wanted to do a lot of talking anyways. Simon could tell that pretending he wasn't uncomfortable wearing his suit that day was taking a lot of his energy, and he even began to think his husband was going to faint in front of all the cameras (but it was probably just his anxiety talking, like always).

When Tamaya finished, they watched the whole performance with the rest of the public. The dancers were wearing black clothes and purple kerchiefs, but six of them had white dresses with red paint that pretended to be blood. They danced while other women in the background sang the song and played some drums. At the end of the performance, a little girl entered the stage and yelled: “Justice for Lady I!” , before letting go of the six balloons she was holding.

Simon clapped until his hands were numb.

And until he realized Hugh was gone.

“Where is he?” Simon asked Tamaya.

She knew exactly what he was talking about.

“In the middle of the performance, he told me he wanted to go somewhere else,” she said.

Then she went quiet again. So Simon added: “Did he tell you where he was going to be?”

“I didn't ask him. I just said 'Elope, bitch' . And he did.”

Simon started to look for him in the crowd until he felt his phone vibrating on his pants. He didn't see who was calling but, for some reason, he knew it was Hugh.

“Hello?”

The other side of the line remained quiet.

For a second, Simon's imagination started to run wild and he was already imagining a scenario where someone had kidnaped Hugh (somehow) and he wasn't able to talk because if he did, they were going to hurt him or someone else. But then, he saw him in the distance, near some trees and a little bit far away from the event, and Simon walked towards him. Without hanging up the phone, just in case.

He only did it when he was right next to him.

Hugh didn't say anything for a long time. And Simon didn't, either, mainly because he was waiting for the answer to his question of “Is there anything I can do for you?” , an answer that never arrived.

Then, he proved with:

“Did you see the whole performance?”

Hugh turned to see him. They were both sitting under a tree, gazing at the distance.

He said, with a monotone voice and an emotionless expression:

“I will never understand contemporary dance.”

After a couple of minutes, he asked him if they could go back home ( home ; not the Headquarters) and Simon accepted. Hugh went the whole way without talking to him, massaging his temple, and when he asked him if there was something wrong, he told him he had a headache, but in a very… weird way.

He was irritable. To say the least. So Simon decided that the best thing he could do at that moment was to not intervene and just keep driving.

Hugh went upstairs and locked himself in their room, while Simon waited for Prism to take Adrian back home before the march started so she could go join them. He managed to keep Adrian downstairs so he didn't go and bother his other dad. It wasn't until 11 PM, when Adrian was already asleep and Kasumi told him the march had ended, that he decided to go check on Hugh.

It was pretty late but the TV was on and he was completely awake.

It didn’t surprise him at all.

“Are you feeling better?”

But instead of answering, he asked back: “How are you feeling?”

“Fine. I just— I stayed downstairs. I guessed you didn’t want to be bothered.” Simon tried to recognize the show that was on, but couldn’t. “What are you watching?”

He sat down on the mattress and Hugh got closer to him. Simon took it as a sign he wanted to cuddle, so he laid next to him and rested his head on his chest.

“You know what other thing I will never understand?”

Contemporary dance.

“What?”

“People who go out with their partners to take dance classes. And dance competitions.”

“Everything that has to do with dancing, then.” He nodded. “Don’t worry. After the clown thing, I’ve hated  anything that has to do with dancing too.”

“It’s too… complicated.”

“Yes.”

“You need a lot of coordination”

“You do.”

“And people are looking at you.”

“They definitely are.”

Hugh smiled a little bit. “No, they’re not. Don’t be silly. People don’t care.”

After that, Simon could at least be sure that Hugh would never take him to dance classes or make him enter dance competitions. It just… wasn’t their thing.

Maybe, their thing was to stay at Headquarters until very late at night, finishing their paperwork, with the rest of the Council.

Like they had been doing the last couple of hours.

Tamaya had been the first one to go home. Her husband had called her and said that her kid didn’t want to go to sleep if his mom wasn’t there to read him a bedtime story. Hugh said that Evander could finish her share of the paperwork and before he could refuse, she answered: “Well, thank you very much, Blacklight” and left. After that, Evander spent a good entire minutes bitching about how Hugh couldn’t just give him more responsibilities just because, to which Hugh responded “Yes, I can” , and Kasumi had to tell both of them to stop because Adrian was there. According to her, if they started to yell curse words to each other, he was going to start repeating the same words every time he was angry and kids weren’t supposed to swear (even though she was ten when Simon heard her say “Oh, fuck” for the first time).

After Evander and Kasumi finished their respective share of the paperwork (plus Tamaya’s) they decided they were going to spend the night there because it was already too late. Simon and Hugh were distracted for a little while, discussing something related to what they were doing, when suddenly, Kasumi and Evander were already inflating a mattress with a pump they had taken out of nowhere. When they asked them where they got those things, Evander just answered they hadn’t revealed all their secrets yet.

Suddenly, the air pump broke at the same time the crayon Adrian was using to color a couple of butterflies did, and Kasumi and he whispered, at the same time:

“Oh, fuck.”

Simon thought everyone was going to die of laughter right there. Everyone except Kasumi. She was going to die of embarrassment.

After she apologized to Adrian for swearing in front of him, Evander got a couple of blankets for them to put on the mattress so it was a little bit more comfortable for them. They asked Adrian if he wanted to sleep with them, but Adrian said he wasn’t sleepy yet. Still, Kasumi told Evander to leave a small space for Adrian in case he changed his mind.

They fell asleep almost immediately.

And soon after that, the baby monitor Simon carried around practically everywhere let them know that Max had woken up and was crying.

“Hugh—”

“Yes, I’ll go. Wait here.” He got closer to the door, but then he turned around to see Adrian, who was still drawing. “When I’m back, you better be asleep, Sketch.”

Adrian rolled his eyes and growled, but instead of getting angry or something, Hugh laughed and left.

Five minutes went by.

Then, fifteen.

Then, half an hour.

Forty minutes.

An hour.

Simon felt his eyes were burning and his whole body felt like it didn’t belong to him. Luckily all the paperwork was gone now, and Adrian was holding the baby monitor in his small hands.

Max wasn’t crying anymore, but he could hear Hugh’s voice, although he couldn’t understand exactly what he was saying.

“What’s going on?” he asked Adrian.

Adrian looked more tired than before, but not that much. They definitely were messing up his sleeping schedule. “Daddy has been trying to put Max in his crib a couple of times but when he tries to leave he starts crying again.”

Simon nodded and tried not to think about it.

He really tried not to think about it.

“Pops,” Adrian called him. “I’m tired. I wanna go to bed.”

Finally.

“Well—” and an idea popped into his head “—let’s go with your daddy and Max to tell them we’re leaving. So you can say goodnight to them too.”

Adrian agreed to do that and being extra careful as not to disturb Evander and Kasumi, they walked through the practically empty corridors, holding hands and feeling like ghosts in an abandoned building (although he knew it was not abandoned, there were some people still there, just not in that area specifically).

They arrived at Max’s quarantine area and all the lights were out. It took him more than a second to notice Hugh sitting on the floor, in the middle of the room, barefoot and only wearing his undershirt and his blue leggings. He was holding Max close to his chest and had an empty bottle in his left hand.

He looked done. He looked so freaking done, but Max, on the other hand, looked very pleased with himself, sucking on his pacifier and with his brown eyes wide open.

Simon tried to hide his laugh. “What happened you guys?”

“Ask your kid,” Hugh answered. “He started it.”

“Just leave him in the crib,” Adrian said, a little bit impatient.

Hugh stood up, walked towards the crib, and, without taking his eyes away from Adrian, he put Max there. And Max, obviously, began to scream so loud that Adrian covered his ears.

“I can’t,” Hugh said. He hugged his baby once more and his screams turned into really quiet sobs. “He’s being a real Westwood right now.”

Simon pretended not to be offended by that joke (a joke Adrian was too young to understand and too tired to care about.)

He put his hands on his kid’s shoulders. “Adrian wants to go to bed,” he told Hugh. “And honestly, me too.”

“And I would love to join you,” Hugh said, “but, you know… your baby is holding me hostage. The Westwood genes—”

“Captain—”

“Okay, don’t get mad.” He pulled Max closer to him. “He won’t close his eyes. And I’ve already tried almost everything.”

Adrian bumped his head against the glass and Simon imitated him. If Hugh hadn’t been holding Max, he would probably do that too.

When looked up again, he wanted to wish him good luck with the Max thing and that he should ask Evander and Kasumi before getting in their improvised bed (if he didn't want to sleep on the floor and preferred something a little bit more comfortable) (although he suspected Evander was going to get all defensive and Hugh was going to have to sleep in the floor anyways.) But he couldn't because the first thing he noticed was that the room was covered in a dark blue light that came out of a small sphere that was one of Max's night lights.

Hugh didn't notice Simon's confusion.

“Love, don't you think that's going to have an opposite effect?” he asked him, doing his best not to sound too… rude.

“No, not at all,” Hugh answered. “He likes it. I don't know if it's the colors or what but he likes it.”

“Good, but the point it's for him to fall asleep,” he insisted. “Not if he likes it or not.”

But he pretended as if he hadn't listened to him and turned on the other night light.

Immediately, the room was filled with yellow stars that contrasted with the blue veil that filled their vision.

At that moment, Simon realized Max was looking at him. He smiled at him, his baby smiled back, and then hid his face on his dad's chest. Then, Simon turned invisible, and when Max looked at him again, he reappeared, making him giggle.

And he hid his face again.

It was a game they constantly played when he was visiting him. And he hoped they would never stop playing it.

“What are you doing?” Adrian asked Hugh, who was scrolling through his cellphone, almost mindlessly.

“I'm searching for a— for a song… a song Max likes,” he mumbled. Then, he clicked his tongue. “Max likes a very specific song, and I play it when nothing else works. It is so energetic, it makes him very tired. But… I can't find it right now.”

Max turned his face around and Simon appeared once more.

“Why don't you sing it to him?” he wondered.

“Oh, no, he cries every time I try to sing a song for him—” he stopped looking at his phone for a second “—Every single time, Si. I don't know what's with him and my singing. He just goes crazy and it's impossible to calm him down. Won't try again, zero out of ten.”

After a few more scrolling, Hugh ended up finding the song and smiled. He put his phone on a small table, and he and Simon made eye contact for a moment.

“You'll see he'll fall asleep after playing this,” Hugh told him. “Don't worry.”

Then, the song started playing.

Hugh sat Max inside his crib, but this time, he didn't cry. He just looked back at his dad, waiting for something to happen.

Adrian grabbed his hand and tried to pull him away. Then, tried doing the same with Simon's cape. But Simon was way too intrigued by Hugh's strategy. Mainly because he had never heard about it, even though he said it wasn't his first time doing it.

And he tried not to think about that.

So instead of walking away, he pulled Adrian closer to him and silently told him to stay still. Just for a while.

Hugh grabbed Max’s wrist very carefully and started moving them around.

Close your tired eyes, relax, and then,

Count from one to ten and open them.

All these heavy thoughts will try to weigh you down,

but not this time...

Simon wished he had brought a camera with him. Because Max looked as if he were dancing to the song and it was freaking adorable.

Way up in the air you're finally free,

and you can stay up there right next to me.

Hugh let go of Max’s wrists and stepped back a couple of meters. Max, once again, didn’t start crying and continued dancing  in his baby way, wiggling his body and staring at his dad with a smile on his face.

All this gravity will try to pull you down,

but not this time...

Maybe it was the fact that Simon wasn’t aware of Max’s weird tendency to sleep when they played upbeat songs. Or maybe that he had never heard that song. He had seen him dancing at public events, with him or with other members of the Council. He had also seen him dancing during their wedding day, and he was dancing with him.

But he hadn’t seen him dancing like that before.

The chorus started and he lip-synced the lyrics while moving his feet. The stars moved around the room and the blue light gave the impression of him being in the middle of the space, among the universe that had made him and every single prodigy out there the way they were. He flapped his arms as if he was trying to imitate the shooting stars the singer was talking about. Colorful sparkles and rainbow comets seemed to appear all around him, surrounding him in a weird but beautiful whirlwind. But he didn’t even bother to look at them like he didn’t care about the things that were going on around him because at that moment, the only thing that existed there was him and the beat.

During the small bridge between the chorus and the next verse, he opened his eyes again, and their gazes crossed once more.

And since Simon knew that face as if it were his own, he could notice he was starting to feel embarrassed.

Adrian pulled his cape once more.

“Come on, Adrian,” he said, grabbing his older son by the wrist, “let’s show your brother and the Captain how we dance.”

Hugh started laughing and Adrian tried to kick him. “Noooo, let me go,” he complained.

“Hey, don’t be like that, it will be fun,” Simon insisted. Adrian stopped yelling and let his dad grab both of his hands, frowning and pouting. “Are you gonna let my husband dance better than us?”

He didn’t want to appeal to any of his two moods, but apparently, he did.

“No,” he answered immediately. “I’m the best dancer in this family.”

“Prove it,” Hugh said from the other side of the glass, casually leaning against Max’s crib. “We’re waiting.”

He remained completely still for a couple of seconds, gazing at him, and Simon started to move Adrian’s hands around like Hugh had done with Max before. His expression dulled little by little, and when he was finally convinced, he let out a very loud “UGH, FINE!” , with the same tone he had used to be homophobic at the restaurant. Simon laughed out loud and Hugh took his imaginary hat off, to let him know that the floor was his.

Gaze into my eyes when the fire starts,

and fan the flames so hot, it melts our hearts.

Oh, the pouring rain, will try to put it out,

but not this time…

First, Adrian moved his arms as if they were dancing a weird version of one of those vintage dances Simon had only seen on TV, similar to what they were doing during the party he constantly thought about. Then, Simon made him spin and they let go of each other, so Adrian could start giving it all, dancing like the guys from the (kind of) cheesy movies he liked to watch, which the professional actors made look cool but when he did it, were hilarious and lovely.

Let your colors burn and brightly burst

into a million sparks that all disperse,

and illuminate a world that'll try to bring you down,

but not this time...

“Pops, you’re not dancing!” Adrian suddenly yelled while pointed at him with an evil grin on his face. “You’re not dancing! Your husband is going to take us down if you don’t dance!”

Hugh had been moving up and down slightly because he knew that was Adrian’s moment to show off, but when he heard Adrian yelled that he got closer to them, dancing with more emphasis and pointing at Simon, like daring him to a duel. Adrian grabbed him by the waist to shake him up a little, and Simon just yelled: “I GOT IT, I GOT IT!”.

Because he got it. He knew he had to dance too.

Even if he wasn’t sure of how to do it.

And it was probably so obvious that Hugh noticed that small detail because as soon as the chorus started once again, he raised his arms, and Simon, without doubting, followed his lead. Then, he spread them, and it reminded him of when they were little and liked to think that they could develop flying abilities if they pretended they were planes. Simon moved a little bit to the left, then a little bit to the right, and realized they matched with the song and he didn’t look dumb at all while doing it.

Especially because Hugh was mirroring each of his movements and he was smiling and laughing, and even began to sing, just a little bit.

“The judges said that singing is not allowed during the competition,” said Adrian with a teasing tone of voice.

Hugh spun two times and Simon spun one.

“The evaluation criteria is completely arbitrary,” Hugh grinned. “I don’t understand it, it doesn’t exist to me.”

Adrian shook his head with fake exasperation and proceeded to shake his head from side to side, while snapping his fingers and singing the lyrics too, pretending he had a better singing voice than his dad did. Which was true.

Simon was about to make a joke about it, when he saw something moving in Max’s crib.

And he realized he had been completely terrified of not being there when that eventually happened.

He was holding onto the crib bars as if his life depended on it. His pacifier had fallen off his mouth, but he didn’t care and was staring at the rest of his family, completely poker-faced because obviously, he was so little he didn’t comprehend how amazing it was what he was doing.

Max was still too young to understand how amazing he was.

“MAX, YOU’RE STANDING!” Simon cheered. “HUGH, THE BABY IS STANDING!”

A thousand heartbeats beat in time…

Hugh turned around violently and Adrian pointed at his little brother immediately after noticing too, squealing and jumping. “He is! He really is!”

And when all the eyes went on Max, instead of hiding like he did every time someone who wasn’t the Council or his parents visited him, his whole face lit up and Simon could hear his baby laugh from the other side of the glass even louder than he could hear the music.

It makes this dark planet come alive...

Adrian continued to cheer his brother, stomping his feet and using the glass that divided them like a drum, and Hugh threw a glance at Simon, before looking at Max again and opening his arms as if Max was able to run to him and hug him.

“Max, you’re standing!” Hugh repeated. “Congratulations, love!”

So when the lights flicker out tonight...

Max's smile widened even more and he began his body up and down, with an intent to join the party. Simon couldn’t help but imitate his movements, and suddenly he got an idea.

You gotta shine...

He grabbed an invisible mic, pointed at the baby that was giggling so hard he had his eyes closed, and began to sing:

“When the sun goes down and the lights burn out, then it’s time for you to shine! Brighter than a shooting star! So shine no matter where you are! ”

Max's movements became quicker and his laugh louder. Adrian took out his imaginary guitar, and continued to stomp his feet while making guitar noises with his mouth because he was sure that he had just become an amazing musician and nothing could stop him.

And he looked so convinced that Simon believed him, because Adrian was as amazing as he believed he was, and he would never let anyone make him believe otherwise.

“Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light, 'cause it's time for you to shine!”

Finally, he saw Hugh grabbing two drumsticks that only existed inside his head, and beginning to play the battery, making all the stars and colorful sparkles jump around him, leaving small traces of their existence all around his face. He threw the drumsticks in the air, spun once more, and finally caught them in the air, before continuing playing his instrument.

Simon knew that Hugh was completely aware of how amazing he was. Prodigies with powers like the ones he had weren’t born every day, and prodigies who also had the exact combination of characteristics that allowed him to go as far as he had been able to go were even fewer.

But sometimes Simon did wonder if he knew he was also amazing when he wasn't being Captain Chromium.

Captain Chromium would never be able to make those rainbow sparkles shine as bright as Hugh Everhart was doing it right now, and Simon thought it was one of the most beautiful views his eyes would ever be able to see.

So when he spun again and tripped with his own feet, leaning against the glass to not hit his head with it, Simon pressed his hand against the glass.

“BRIGHTER THAN A SHOOTING STAR! ” Adrian yelled. “SO SHINE NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE!”

And we wondered again.

Do you know it?

Do you know how amazing you are being right now?

Please tell me you do.

But he never did. The singer, Adrian, and Max mumbled “Tonight” at the same time, although Max did in a way only he could understand and without even noticing what he was saying.

Simon smiled at Hugh, and he smiled back at him, as he always did.

When he walked to Max's crib and carried him in his arms, he noticed the sparkles were completely gone. But he still grabbed Max's little wrist and waved goodbye at them, while his baby's eyelids started getting heavy. Then, before he could do the same thing with Adrian, he threw a kiss at them, before hugging Simon's arm and asking him if they could go to sleep now, again.

Simon looked at Hugh one more time. Hugh tilted his head, smiled a little bit more, and said:

“Good night, Si.”

And Si laughed under his breath.

“Good night to you too. Shooting Star.”

He never called him like that again.

But it was alright because Hugh never danced like that again. And no one could see the same shooting star twice.

Still, Simon wanted to believe that someday he would.

Maybe someday.

#renegades ship week #renegades ship week 1 #renegades #archenemies #supernova #renegades trilogy #hugh everhart #simon westwood #adrian everhart-westwood #max everhart-westwood #the warden and the captain are sitting in a tree #obsi's writs #i knew i said that im gonna strat posting only on ao3 but this is for an event #gifts and event fics are gonna go here too JAJAJAJA

[dariaroden]

BRIGHTWOOD CHALLENGE 02

1: How high is your libido? Oh, honey. You couldn’t handle it if I told you.

2: Rough sex or soft sex? Either way, depending on what the mood calls for.

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes? That would depend on what you’d classify as unusual. Kinks in and of themselves are technically things that deviate from the norm. So I guess, by that definition, yes.

4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex? In a supply closet.

5: Favourite sex position? Any. I couldn’t possibly name a favorite. 

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive? I tend to be more submissive in bed and in general.    

7: Have you ever had any one night stands? I’ve had a few, yes. 

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor? Anywhere. Everywhere. All of the above and more, babe.

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place? I have yes. Behind the game booths at a carnival, once.

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating? I have. I’ve had more than a couple of roommates over the years.

11: What does your favorite sexy underwear look like? It’s a pink teddy with feathers at the bottom.

12: How often do you have sex? Not nearly enough to satisfy me, at the moment. But at least I’m getting something. Beggars can’t be choosers, as my mother always used to say.

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with? Hell yes. @everywherealinagoes​

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex? Receiving is excellent, but I’m not selfish. I’ll return the favor, always.

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex? I broke a nail down to the quick, it was incredibly painful and we had to stop.

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex? Anything with a good, fast beat and a nice rhythm. Maybe ‘Rude Boy’ by Rihanna

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex? ‘Motivation’ by Kelly Rowland 

18: Are you into dressing up for sex? Hell fucking yes. I have a literal problem with the amount of lingerie and roleplay outfits in my closet. 

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower? Bath, shower, counter...Wherever babe.

20: If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be? Alina Liu, @everywherealinagoes​

21: Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you? I have, yes.

22: Do you/would you use sex toys? I absolutely use sex toys and will continue to use them. You’ve got to keep things hot.

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture? You know it.

24: Would you have sex with your best friend? I would, if she needed it.

25: Is there anything you do after sex? (for example, smoke, eat, drink)? Really just rehydrating, so drink water.

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny? Dirty texts, pictures, kissing, just about everything.

27: Early morning sex or late night sex? Both. Afternoon sex too.

28: Favourite body part on the opposite sex? Calves.

29: Favourite body part on the same sex? Ass.

30: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find? I have nothing to hide, come on in and start rummaging. Maybe you’ll find something you’ll like.

31: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you? I once had someone try to fuck me with a frozen cucumber. I realize some people think that’s a glorious stand-in, and by all means, you do you boo boo. But, uh, that was not for me.

32: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?] I sure have, and I can attest to tasting like candy.

33: Is it ever okay to not use a condom? If you’re willing to accept the risks, sure, go for it.

34: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience? Chocolate.

35: Worst possible time to get horny? Is there ever really a bad time?

36: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans? I so fucking do.

37: What is the most amount of times you’ve ever orgasmed in a day? Six.

38: Best sexual complement you ever got: Someone once told me I have a magical tongue.

39: Favorite foreplay activities: Anything, literally. It’s beyond easy to get me going. 

40: What do you wear to bed? Usually just panties and a sports bra. Sometimes no bra, though. 

41: What is your biggest turn off? Bad hygiene. Hands down.

42: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself? I sure do. Why, are you interested?

43: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside? It has actually been a while. Someone should definitely get on that.

44: Have/would you ever have sex in public? I have and I would again.

45: Have/would you ever had a threesome? I have and would again.

46: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate? An electric toothbrush.

47: What is your favorite type of porn? Girl on girl, baby.

48: Do you like oral sex? (why/why not) I absolutely do, who doesn’t? I don’t trust you if you don’t, period.

49: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in? They can be hot, as long as they are’t weird tattoos.

50: How would you feel about taking someones virginity? I would, if they wanted me to.

51: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter? Probably like...Something weird. Like tapioca. Who would do that?

52: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute? Either or. 

53: Do you watch porn? Is this a real question? Hell yes, I do.

54: Have you ever been called a freak? Why? I have been, because of how high my libido is and how willing I am to do just about anything.

55: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”? I do, and do frequently.

56: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair? Absolutely not. If you’ve got a problem with that, you aren’t grown and you don’t want it bad enough. Au naturale is just fine with me.

57: If you could give yourself head, would you? I so would, I don’t even care. 

58: Booty or Boobs? Both, duh.

59: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?) No, i haven’t. I wouldn’t hurt someone like that. 

60: What is your dirtiest sexual fantasy? How much time do you have sweetpea? I’ve got about a million. 

61: have you ever watched someone masturbate? Yep, it’s hot.

62: has anyone ever watched you masturbate? Yep, it’s hot too.

63. Have you ever had an erection and someone noticed? That isn’t possible for me personally, but you can bet I’ve had my fair share of wet spots. 

64. What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitorial, prostate) It depends on how I’m feeling, but generally a combination of toys and clitoral.

65. What is your bra/penis size? I’m a 34C.

66. What is the strangest thing you have ever put up your vagina/anus? Strangest? I guess the cucumber that one time.

67. When was the last time you masturbated? About 20 minutes ago. But, after this, I have a feeling I’ll need to go again.

68. When was the last time you had sex? Like two days ago?

69. When was the last time you watched porn? When I masturbated 20 minutes ago.

70. Have you ever bought a sex toy? If so, which one did you buy last? First sex toy? If not, which one do you plan on buying when you do? I have more sex toys than I can count. My first was a dildo with a suction on the base. The most recent was a Sybian.

71. Circumcised? It doesn’t matter to me sweetie. 

72. Which not-genital part of your body do you like being touched? My arms.

73. Which genital part of your body do you like being touched? All of them. Every single one.

74. Are you able to achieve orgasm just through nipple stimulation? I could, if I’m horny enough.

75. Have you anonymously sent a sexual ask to someone? Sure have.

76. When was the last time you have had a wet dream? I have sex dreams at least every other week. Sometimes once a week if I’ve been putting my needs on the backburner.

77. Which wet dream was your favorite? The one i just had about Alina, actually. @everywherealinagoes​

78. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with? You know there is.

79. Is there a celebrity/character you would willingly have sex with? Oh absolutely. 

80. Least favorite sexual position? Are there any? I don’t think so.

81. Do you like being called a slut or whore in bed? Ohhhh, yes please.

82. Are you into any BDSM? Pffft yes.

83. Have you ever wanted to have sex with someone but knew you couldnt for any reason? Why? Not really, no. I’ve gotten lucky in that department. 

84. Do you like dirty talk? Love it.

85. Are you loud or quiet during sex? Masturbation? I am loud, for the most part. I can be quiet if I have to be. But if it doesn’t matter, I can be a screamer. 

86. Have you ever been interrupted during sex or masturbation? Who/what? I have been, by my roommate. 

87. What kind of porn do you not like to watch? I don’t like overly fake stuff. Like I realize all porn is pretty much staged in some way. But, I hate those stupid ass movies where the girl with huge tits looks at the camera, biting her lip, and is like, “oh yeah, I’m a naughty girl, i need to be punished.” Like...No. The obvious fakeness is a turn off. 

88. Have you ever confessed to someone that you got an erection over them? What about masturbated to them? I have. I’m not shy about that. We all have needs. 

89. Have you ever masturbated because your sexual partner wasn’t there when you needed them? Yes. Sometimes you just can’t wait.

90. Have you ever had a one night stand? Do you still keep in contact with them? I have, but admittedly I don’t always keep up with them, no. 

91. Have you ever had a friends with benefits? Are they still beneficial? Yes, and most definitely yes. 

92. Any kinks you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t? There isn’t much I haven’t tried. But, I’ll think on that. 

93. How should someone who is interested in sleeping with you approach the topic? Literally just send a suggestive text.

94. What are your absolute no-nos in bed? Don’t leave permanent marks, don’t ignore me if I give a direction or have a request, and don’t bring nonsexual fluids into the mix. We’ll be Gucci.

95. How do you feel about quickies? They are excellent and needed.

96. Have you ever tried roleplay in bed? Would you? I have and would again in a heartbeat.

97. Describe the best orgasm you’ve ever had. What were you doing? Alone or with someone else? What made it so good? The best? I don’t even know if I can pick the best. Any time with Alina is generally A++.

98. Have you ever filmed yourself while masturbating or having sex? I sure the fuck have.

99. Lights on or lights off? Either or, doesn’t matter to me. Either way, we’re fucking.

100. What would you like to do more of in bed? Everything. All of it. Just sex.

#brightwood.challenge #challenge 02

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from Noah

I have no clue how to explain this. (Please tag as Noah)

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, most of the time I’m “fine” and some days I just lose it and have a nervous breakdown and I feel so embarrassed afterwards about what I said to people in those moments because they’re vulnerable things that I normally never say to people.  

I start crying because I don’t know what’s wrong but also I do know what’s wrong and it’s just very weird to explain, I try to explain it to my mom but I just blurt out stuff because I don’t know what or how else to do it and it frustrates my mom because she doesn’t understand where this comes from “all of a sudden” when it doesn’t just come out of nowhere (at least not everything), most of the things are always on my mind but I never say anything about it.

I care too much about everything, I can’t say no to anything or anybody, I’m very scared to make mistakes, I can’t let negative comments (in an attacking kinda way not constructive criticism) just pas over me they won’t go out of my head and all those things bother other people and they tell me to just learn how to not do those things but I don’t know how and it really upsets me.

I also have a problem with change, if I stay home for a bit I can’t go back to normal work/school life because if makes me very anxious and I lose all motivation. like I did my best to mentally prepare for school and my traineeship and it worked. I did 12h shifts (sometimes more) at my traineeship 4 days a week + 2 days of school I could feel that it was messing up my body from exhaustion but it didn’t bother me because I was doing something I love. Now I’ve been home for a month because of the lock down, finally had a normal sleeping schedule and this weekend my traineeship workplace asked if I could go and help them. I said yes even tho I didn’t want to because I wasn’t ready, I went and after the first day I had a meltdown because only now the exhaustion from before really got to me, I didn’t know how I survived the 6 months before that, I didn’t want to be that tired anymore which is sad because I still really love what i’m studying and I can’t do that job without working long hours.

I feel like I need professional help but I also don’t know if it would really work because I don’t know how to explain how I feel and what goes on in my head and it’s also something that we “don’t really do” in our family. When I got diagnosed with anxiety my doctor gave me a referral for a therapist and I never went because no one in my family really got why I needed it (don’t get me wrong I have a loving family just don’t really know much about mental health things). Does something like online therapy exist?

I really truly hate myself, I don’t want to be me (not suicidal but I feel like I never should have existed).

So so sorry that this is so long, but thank you to who is going to read this, for listening to me.

- Noah

Hi Noah, 

I'm sorry to hear that you've been dealing with this! It sounds like you've been struggling for quite a while and without much support, so I'm really glad that you decided to reach out to us. 

What you're describing sounds a lot like anxiety, which makes sense since you mentioned that your doctor diagnosed you with anxiety. We often hear about the physical aspects of anxiety, like shortness of breath, sweating, chest pains, etc., but the mental aspect of anxiety can be just as detrimental. Anxiety can make a person care about what people say to them and ruminate over comments people make to the point where it can sometimes become obsessive. Change is also though for people with anxiety because they tend to get stuck in their ways and straying from that routine can through their whole mind and body out of whack since routines tend to appease anxiety because they are so predictable. It can even make it hard to enjoy things you would typically enjoy doing. Anxiety can make things that should be easy actually very difficult and mentally exhausting. What you've described here sounds pretty on point for what people with anxiety experience! 

Because what you're dealing with is taking such a toll on your life, it sounds like a great idea to explore options for therapy. It sounds like your family may be a roadblock in doing so, but it's important to remember here that your struggles are still real regardless of whether your family understands what you're going through or not. While you deserve their full support and understanding, it's not up to them to decide whether your anxiety is real or not. I don't even know you and I can tell that your anxiety is indeed real, so know that you're deserving of help no matter how your family feels about mental illness and therapy. 

Fortunately, online therapy does exist and it may be a good option for you for a couple different reasons. First, you wouldn't have to involve your family and this might make it easier for you to seek help. Second, you mentioned that you have a hard time articulating your thoughts and explaining what you struggle with, but you did an amazing job of writing about what you're dealing with here. I think this could make online therapy a good option for you because there are online therapy options where you text a therapist, which could be helpful since you seem to articulate yourself more clearly through writing. The only caveat with online therapy is that, in my experience at least, online therapy isn't covered by most insurance companies, so that could be an issue if you're looking for therapy that's covered by insurance. Still, I definitely recommend googling online therapy, as there are several different platforms you can look into, such as BetterHelp and Talkspace. 

If online therapy turns out to not work for you for whatever reason, in-person therapy can still be an option. You don't necessarily have to have your family's understanding in order to get therapy and remember that it's okay to go against what your family typically does in terms of handling mental illness. Also know that there are ways around struggling with voicing what you're dealing with. Therapists are incredibly patient and will give you the time and space you need in order to explain what you're dealing with. You could even write out your feelings just as you did here and give it to your therapist if that's easier for you. Therapists tend to be really flexible and will help you in any way they can to make you comfortable.

I hope this explains some of what you're dealing with and eases a few of your concerns about getting the professional help you need and deserve. You can do this! 

-Samantha 

#anxiety #getting help #family #noah #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #mhasamantha

[callunavulgari]

YEAR-IN-BOOKS | 2019

So. Last year I read 89 books. The year before that I read 39. The year before that I read 23. This year I have (thus far) read 110 books out of my goal of 100 and will likely finish both The Secret Commonwealth and The Library of the Unwritten before the end of the year. I may even finish another depending on which audiobook I go for next. So I’m gonna talk a lot. Again.

1. a book you loved?

Again, I read a lot of books this year. It was a great year for books. I discovered Brandon Sanderson, which has been amazing. I reread at least two different favorite series, some graphic novels, a few books that would ordinarily be outside of my typical genre. But I’m going to pick Red, White, & Royal Blue, which was probably the one I loved the most. Casey McQuiston, for those of you who weren’t in The Social Network fandom, wrote a really fantastic RPF in like 2011 or so. It was gorgeous and while I’m sad that it was never finished, I can still appreciate the crap out of it. RWARB is a story about the son of America’s first female president falling for the Prince of Wales. It is everything I loved about fics like The Student Prince and Drastically Redefining Protocol and more. It’s best universe 100% and I will probably be rereading it within the next few months because I loved it to pieces. Also, it won both best romance and best debut novel on goodreads by a pretty large margin, which is amazing! 

2. a book you hated?

I think the only book that I absolutely hated this year was The Gunslinger. Which sucks because a lot of people recommended that one pretty highly, but I either reluctantly enjoy Stephen King’s books or I outright loathe them. My review, directly from goodreads, with a rare one star rating:  

“Thing number 1: same guy who did the audiobook recording for The Stand did this one as well. Bad enough. Thing number 2: I forgot how badly Stephen King writes women. I got to listen to this narrator read a scene where a woman has an orgasm because the main character is exorcising a lust demon out of her by shoving a gun into her unmentionables, and then I got to hear someone described as "falling whorishly." DNF at 75%. Sorry. I just could not do it. Falling whorishly was the straw that broke the camel's back.”

3. a book that made you cry?

I definitely cried when I finished The Hero of Ages, which is the third of the original Mistborn trilogy by Sanderson. Without spoiling things... I was definitely crying by the end of it. Might have been crying at the end of the first in the series too. The only other ones I can think of that may have made me sniffle are Everything I Never Told You and To Be Taught, If Fortunate. 

The first because it’s a wonderfully crafted little tale about a family getting torn apart when their daughter dies tragically. The whole thing is pulled wonderfully taut with tension, and each of the character’s snippets into Lydia’s life before her death leads you to more and more discoveries until finally everything comes together seamlessly in the end.

The second because it is a little, little book about a big, big universe and is just so achingly beautiful and big inside that it hurts.

4. a book that made you happy?

I mean, I’m tempted to Red, White, and Royal Blue again because it is 100% the one that made me happiest. I was grinning like an idiot half the time I was reading it. But, because answering the same book for two questions seems cheap when I’ve read over 100, so I’m gonna go with King of Scars, which is the sequel to the sequel of the original Grisha trilogy by Leigh Bardugo. It took the best things about the original series and combined it with the best parts of Six of Crows and left me with a super riveting, fun read.

5. the best sequel?

Gah, I read so many series this year, so this is kind of hard. I have two answers!

The Well of Ascension, which was the second of the Mistborn novels and probably my favorite and The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy, which in my humble opinion was leagues better than The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue. Not that it was bad, I’m just starved for stories about smart sexy ladies who become pirates and flirt with other pretty pirate ladies.

6. most anticipated release for the new year?

Return of the Thief by Megan Whalen Turner is still my answer to this one. The release date got pushed back to August of next year instead of March of this one, so provided it doesn’t get pushed back again - that is 100% my answer. Some others I’m excited about: The Nobleman’s Guide to Scandal and Shipwrecks, which I found out about two minutes ago, the as yet untitled Stormlight Archive #4 which is apparently coming out in November next year, and like six books that don’t have release dates yet so probably won’t come out until 2021. Oh, oh, oh, and The King of Crows, the fourth in The Diviners series, which I forgot was coming out in February!

7. favorite new author?

Easily Brandon Sanderson. Most of my other favorites that I really loved were all authors I’ve read before. Sanderson was my Rothfuss of 2019. Discovering his books changed my whole damn year.

8. favorite book to film adaptation?

I didn’t reread the series this year, but HBO put out their adaptation of His Dark Materials and it has been absolutely amazing so far! I’m blown away by every single episode and can only hope that the second and third seasons will be this good.

9. the most surprising book?

Okay, so there’s this book that I picked up randomly at the library because I liked its cover. It’s called The Hundred-Foot Journey by Richard Morais and it’s about an Indian boy who grows up to become a world famous chef. It’s so, so rich. The detail is wonderful. You can taste the food, feel the sun, be a stranger in a market somewhere in France. It was a true delight of a book and definitely one of my favorites. 

10. the most interesting villain?

I read Codename Villanelle shortly after I got into the TV show, and it was actually a surprisingly good book. She’s a great villain. However, I also read Forest of a Thousand Lanterns, which you don’t even realize is about the evil queen until you’re like halfway through the book. That one was really, really well done and I need to get around to reading its sequel.

11. the best makeouts?

I’m tempted to say Chilling Effect because there’s just something about a sassy space pirate making out with her alien crew member whose skin can make her go into anaphylactic  shock that really appeals to the part of me that shipped Sheppard/Garrus from Mass Effect, but there were two really steamy ones in The Hating Game (elevators) and Ninth House (slightly dubcon-y bit because one character is drugged, but super searing anyway?). 

Also the bit in Red, White and Royal Blue where they make out against a painting of Hamilton in the White House will probably get me every time.

12. a book that was super frustrating?

Again, But Better was a pretty decent book over all. But there were slightly too many pop culture references and listening to an audiobook where the characters are signing along to Blink 182 along with several other songs was a little cringey because the narrator did not actually sing, just kind of singsongy shouted. It was weird.

The Alchemist was also really slow going for such a short book but was over all pretty good.

13. a book you texted about, and the text was IN CAPSLOCK?

I have no real life friends who really read and it is fucking tragic, so the closest I got was recommending a bunch of books to my mom and going off on tangents about how good they were. I think I might have ranted to Nick about a couple of them too.

14. a book for the small children in your life?

I reread The Bartimaeus trilogy again this year and it’s a kid’s book series that I would recommend to literally anybody because it might be my favorite series ever? I also read Lockwood & Co, a kid’s series by the same author who did Bartimaeus, which was fantastic because I didn’t even know he’d written anything since Bartimaeus? It didn’t quite compare, mostly because I adore Bartimaeus way too much, but was still highly entertaining. Spooky kid detectives hunt ghosts! 

15. a book you learned from?

While I did not read a single non-fiction book this year (again, whoops), a lot of books are informative even if they’re fiction. Hell, I learned more about cooking from The Hundred Foot Journey than I have in any cookbook out there.

16. a book you wouldn’t normally try?

Maybe Challenger Deep? I’ve been branching out more, so it’s getting harder and harder to tell which books I wouldn’t normally try. I did read like three exclusively romance novels this year, which was a bit odd for me.

17. a book with something magical in it?

I still say all books are magical. And definitely a lot of the books I read were magical, but probably the one with the most magic was The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern, which was a meticulously crafted love letter to all stories and fairy tales. It was really magical and definitely lived up to The Night Circus. If she keeps up like this, I won’t even mind the decade between publications, because she has a hell of a way with words.

18. the best clothes?

Maybe either The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo (the descriptions of her gorgeous silky green dresses made me deeply envious) or Three Dark Crowns (which had neat food and clothes from what I remember)

19. the most well-rounded characters?

All of Sanderson’s stuff has great characters, but Everything I Never Told You is still probably the one with the best. Celeste Ng is really, really good at making you feel each of her characters down to their marrow.

20. the best world-building?

To Be Taught, If Fortunate was very much wow when it comes to the world building. But so was Ninth Gate and The Alloy Era of the Mistborn novels (sequel series to the original series that takes place hundreds of years after the first series). I also read Saga this year, a graphic novel series about a man and his wife on the run from their governments with their baby daughter because their species are in a long standing war and nobody wants anybody to know that they can procreate. That has some fantastic world building.

21. the worst world-building?

Maybe What If It’s Us? I found that one largely boring.

22. a book with a good sidekick?

Definitely any of the Alloy of Law books. Wayne is a wonderful sidekick and all of the other “side characters” in that series are fantastic.

23. the most insufferable narrator?

Ugh, the Gunslinger. Both the character in the book and the person who narrated the audiobook.

24. a book you were excited to read for months beforehand?

I think the only ones I was really excited for head of time were the two Folk of Air sequels by Holly Black and The Starless Sea. I still need to read Call Down the Hawk, and I’m currently reading The Secret Commonwealth, the sequel to His Dark Materials which I’ve been excited about since I learned that it would be a thing.

25. a book you picked up on a whim?

You already know about The Hundred Foot Journey. We Are Where the Nightmares Go and The Monster of Elendhaven were also both randoms that I picked up during the Halloween season that I really enjoyed.

26. a book that should be read in a foreign country?

The Hundred Foot Journey. 100%

27. a book cassian andor would like?

I still don’t know what to make of this question.

28. a book gina linetti would like?

Probably any of the steamy ones? I honestly don’t know.

29. your favorite cover art?

Probably The Ten Thousand Doors of January. It’s very pretty and flowery and the book itself is fantastic. I also really like the cover of David Mogo, Godhunter.

30. a book you read in translation?

I think The Alchemist was the only book I read that was translated from another language.

31. a book from another century?

Ha! North and South was first published in 1854. Other than that the oldest ones I’ve got were written in the 80s (Shards of Honor, Ender’s Game, and The Alchemist) or the 50s (The Two Towers).

32. a book you reread?

This year I reread the Bartimaeus Trilogy, the Temeraire novels (and then finished the last two I hadn’t read yet), Sabriel, and The King of Attolia.

33. a book you’re dying to talk about, and why?

I have clearly talked enough at this point. I think the only one that I loved that I didn’t get a chance to talk about already was Horrorstor, which is a book about haunted Ikea (basically). It’s fantastic and hilarious and spooky and now that I think about it Gina Linetti would probably like it. Oh, and The Bear and the Nightingale trilogy, which was a retelling of an old Russian tale. It was great. 

TLDR; Read Sanderson’s books, Leigh Bardugo’s books, and whatever Casey McQuiston writes for the next 30 years.

#heather says what #new year's memes #2019 #books to read #recommendations #fuck yeah recs!! #this was a mistake why am i still awake #oh right because i can't shut up and talk about books for two hours #in a post that will largely probably only be read by myself a year from now #it's okay though because i like looking back on them

[fyompi]

Remembering Final Fantasy X-2

It’s hard to assess whether to call X-2 “good,” but if I did, I wouldn’t mean “good” in the most traditional sense. The game is an unnecessary sequel to one of the best Japanese role-playing games ever made, and turns a somber, existential, occultist storyline into an upbeat comedy. 

What’s weird is that I don’t dislike this at all. Final Fantasy games have always been funny, and have arguably relied more on their world building than actual plot. They’re visually super interesting. Their character and monster designs are discussed more now than anything that actually happens in them. 

Maybe somebody from Enix realized this, for better or worse. There’s nothing about the structure and framework of the Final Fantasy series that limits them to being strictly dramas. Recognizing that fact made the existence of a comedy entry sort of an inevitability. 

Final Fantasy X-2 is effectively a magical girl anime. A genre of anime that is notably, and characteristically created for girls. Transformation sequences, in which a teenage female character changes outfits from regular surface-level Earthling attire, to a vibrant and glittery superhero popstar, is a mainstay in the genre. Usually, these shows were divided into two segments: one depicting the main character’s day-to-day “normal” life, like a regular sitcom, and then later changing into an action fantasy show for like five minutes. The bulk of the shows had little to do with the fighting, and more to do with the lives of the characters. Over many seasons, you see this character grow up, make friends, go on dates, have her heart broken, and sometimes even have kids. It makes the serious aspects of the show feel heavier, once you’ve gotten to know this person. 

I love these shows. Sailor Moon is one of the best looking animated television shows ever made. Every frame is a work of art, and every person I know who grew up enjoying it has amazing fashion sense today. 

Taking the already pretty flamboyant, and visually-unorthodox world of Final Fantasy, and turning into a magical girl anime makes a ton of sense, despite it being in the same world as something so drastically different. Tidus, the main character from Final Fantasy X, was already modeled after a real world Japanese pop star from the nineties, and Tetsuya Nomura’s fashion sense might be the most striking aspect of the series. It’s a series dripping in glitzy, futuristic visual design. The influence these games have had on my personal taste in art can’t be understated. 

I would even go as far as to say, watching my cousins play Final Fantasy X-2 is the most critical reason I have any interest in fashion today. Which might be hard to imagine for some, given how incredible gauche some of the outfits can be in this game. But to me, playing these games with other people felt like watching the Met Gala; you bicker with your friends at the sight of every new outfit, whether it’s beautiful or horrendous, and slowly the line dividing the two begins to fade into abstraction. That’s how I felt looking at all the different outfits in Final Fantasy X-2 as a child. I understood why fashion is fun, and realized that girls my age were smarter than I was giving them credit for. 

Like a year later, I went to my friend’s birthday party and met his older cousins who were also into Final Fantasy, and I told them that Final Fantasy X-2 was my favorite game in the series.  They all proceeded to yell at me for ten straight minutes about how awful it was. I didn’t tell them that I had never actually played the game, only looked at it, and decided that it was my favorite thing to look at. I remember very vividly, one of them was wearing smokey eyeliner, and I really liked looking at him too. Something about his eyeliner made me think he’d appreciate X-2 more than he did, and I was disappointed when he complained about the lack of plot, and how it “ruined” his favorite entry in the series. I didn’t tell them that I liked the game because of the outfits because I was too embarrassed to, so instead I told them the battle system was really good, which I had heard was the case, from people who’d actually played it. One nodded and said “yeah, that battle system is pretty freaking good. You ever played  F. F. 2 though?” 

“No.” “2’s got an even better battle system. If you like that kinda stuff you gotta play that game.”

He meant Final Fantasy 4, released in America as Final Fantasy 2. I was a senior in high school when I realized that’s what he meant. When he had told me though, I didn’t want to play either, because those games weren’t three-dimensional, and they didn’t have voice acting, and they didn’t have cute outfits like X-2 did. 

My appreciation for the series wasn’t as “deep” as theirs but the world captured me just the same. That same year, I had played Kingdom Hearts 2, and then Kingdom Hearts 1, and decided Kingdom Hearts 2 was the better game because you got to play as Roxas, who has objectively better hair than Sora. I played on Easy, and never equipped any items or abilities to my character because I didn’t like looking at the menus, and didn’t like reading tutorials. I just wanted to see the world, I didn’t really care about what was really going on in it. It was absolutely impossible, playing it this way. 

I couldn’t relate when the boys at the party were bragging about beating Kingdom Hearts 1 on level 1, or beating Riku first-try, or playing through the Japanese-exclusive Kingdom Hearts 2: Final Mix, because it had a “critical mode” which was harder than the hardest difficulty in the American release of the game. All of this was really strange to me, and I felt really stupid that I couldn’t ever imagine being that good at a videogame. That was also the first moment it occurred to me that calling a game I’ve never played “my favorite game” was sorta fraud-behavior. They lived in these games, and I was a tourist. I realized that most of the people who played, and enjoyed Final Fantasy X enough to both complete it, and buy it’s sequel, are people like them. The game did not cater to these people. They later took me to their computer desk and had me watch five back-to-back episodes of Red vs. Blue on youtube. I couldn’t follow any of what was going on in any episode. 

Eventually, I got around to playing Final Fantasy X-2, and the battle system was as good as everybody told me it would be. It’s too good. It’s sometimes so good, that I forget how shallow the rest of the game is. It’s so good that it makes me hate how little the game focuses on it. 

A simple RPG with a tight battle system, and little story, is fine by me. Dragon Quest games are incredibly straightforward, in the best way possible. The substance of the battles, and the quaintness of the adventure, makes every game incredibly charming. Final Fantasy X-2 unfortunately, tries to add substance where there is none, by forcing the player to complete very boring mini-games after every story advancement. This is the director’s way of constantly reminding the player of the upbeat, and non-serious tone of the game. But instead, these sequences are wastes of time, that feel like distractions, from the empty storyline. They’re also so difficult to watch in 2019.

I don’t need to be distracted though, because I don’t mind a jrpg that isn’t an epic. I just want a game that’s about something. If the gameplay was only traversing the world, and honing the battle system, that would be enough for me. But instead, it becomes clear to me early on that the team didn’t know who to cater to. The primary audience for magical girl anime might be turned off by the blatant objectification of the three main characters, and the primarily male audience of Final Fantasy don’t seem to want an electric popist sitcom to be their non-plot. 

On top of that, the voice acting is a lot worse than I remember, and the Playstation 2 doesn’t really have the hardware to adequately depict X-2’s nautical sci-fi fashion, except in fully CGI cutscenes, which are incredibly rare in this game. And in the few CGI cutscenes that do exist, the directors get to choose what outfits the characters are in, which aren’t the outfits I would ever choose, because they aren’t the Black Mage outfits. The outfits they wear in the box-art are the outfits they wear in every CGI cutscene. Every other outfit is limited to the blocky in-game models. I can’t even find high definition concept art of these outfits. It’s a shame, because some of them are amazing. 

On top of that, I don’t actually get to know these characters well. The character progression, which made X amazing, and made shows like Sailor Moon substantive, isn’t there. For all the bells and whistles they put in the game, nothing actually matters. Yuna is upbeat and cute, Rikku is young and adhd, and Paine is goth. That’s really it, for the whole game. The script is very rarely funny enough to get away with such shallow characters. It loses its charm incredibly quickly. 

That depleting likability is a big issue when the game’s substance comes in its side quests. This game is a nightmare to 100% complete, and since the primary collectibles are the outfits, the game really makes you feel like a loser when you miss anything. The most interesting part of the game is hidden behind the worst parts, and made me realize how privileged I was to have my cousin do all that for me, and let me see the good parts. 

So, I begrudgingly understand, and agree with the criticism, of a game so tailor-made to my specific taste. I wish I could recommend it to people, but I don’t know anybody with the attention span required to make this game worthwhile. What’s especially sad is the fact that, if this game were a lot better, it might have successfully opened the creative gates of Final Fantasy games to their audience. To this day, Americans still seem to think that a jrpg’s quality is defined by the plot alone. There’s so much more going on with the genre, that can be attributed to many different types of experiences, and unfortunately, Final Fantasy X-2 is far from an adequate example of this. 

#final fantasy #yuna #video games #review

[rayofspades]

My Thoughts on Blue October: A Two-Way Personal Narrative

This post has no point or thesis it’s literally just me talking about music that I like because I think it’s interesting.

Anyways.

I was making a playlist for work the other day, and in the process I rediscovered some Blue October songs I have on my ipod. And then I rediscovered all of the Blue October songs I have on my ipod because...I have a lot. 

And it’s pretty much my favourite music (for the most part). 

Blue October was a weirdly prominent part of my youth, so it makes sense that I would have an attachment to their music (people tend to like the music they grew up with). But even then, re-listening to those albums fills me with a lot more satisfaction than other songs from my childhood/adolescence. From ages 11-16-ish, my favourite band was The Killers, with Blue October in second place. I still like a lot of Killer’s songs, and they have a lot of nostalgic value, but when I’m listening to Blue October’s music...like....it really, genuinely holds up to me.

Which is weird, because most of my current faves and older faves were either pop or soft-rock (with the sub-genre of “edge” in my early teens). 

Blue October is classified as “alternative rock” which I think is just the professional way of saying “fucking wild.”

I’ve always joked that if some songs are “edge” then Blue October is “the whole knife.”

But that’s the thing; even though they’re understandably known for their kind of raw intensity, at least among the fan base, the albums tend to have a fair bit of variety both musically and lyrically. I often think of the lyric from “Inner Glow”: “So here's a preview shove it under old-new / Or call it rock or pop or bach or fuck / Goddamn where did we go wrong / Now there's a category for every song.” Even though the band is kind of unhinged in terms of genre, each album very much has its own personality despite the different tones of each song.

By the time Approaching Normal came out (when I was around 14) I had kind of put together a narrative with each album. It wasn’t really a clear-cut story based on the lyrics of every song, but rather a series of emerging themes and events that each album put extra focus on:

Consent to Treatment: Dealing with psychosis and frustration.

History for Sale: Continuing to struggle with mental illness while also thinking about romantic and sexual relationships.

Foiled: Appreciating and/or longing for loved ones.

And yes, I know that The Answers is technically their first album, but I only know 3 songs from that one and didn't love them enough to seek out the whole album.

Personal context: I started listening to Blue October at a relatively young age because they were one of my dad's favourite bands and he would blast their albums in the car. He correctly assumed that I, a sheltered 10 year old, wouldn't put together that some of the songs were about drugs and suicide. He would always skip the more sexual and violent songs though. He aint irresponsible.

So basically those first few albums just became part of my internal music library since I heard them so much. I remember the first song of theirs that I really noticed on its own was “The Answer,” and after learning that it was Blue October singing that song, my interest in them grew slightly more independent. 

When I was about to enter my early teens, I developed an interest in psychology (most notably psychosis) after watching A Beautiful Mind. After that I became even more interested in the lyrics from Consent to Treatment and History for Sale, and grew more attached to these albums that I was already very familiar with and fond of.

Foiled was and continues to be my favourite album of theirs, though. It has the largest variety of music and a lot of the lyrics are really interesting. 

I almost think it was kind of inevitable that this is the album that would get popular. “Hate Me” keeps true to their style, but it still has mainstream appeal. It’s...not the whole knife, but it still has a good melody and good lyrics. 

“Into the Ocean,” which is my favourite song of theirs, is fucking perfect for mainstream appeal. It’s catchy, it’s pretty, it’s edgy, and it’s good. I HEARD IT PLAYING IN A HOTEL ELEVATOR LIKE A MONTH AGO. The song is so beautiful it’s almost enough to distract you from the fact that it’s about suicide.

It’s great.

The only song on the album that I would say is far outside of mainstream appeal would be “Drilled a Wire Through My Cheek,” but according to wikipedia, that made it onto the Saw III soundtrack, so there you go.

Foiled also might be the best showcase of the lead singer’s vocal talent. One thing that I really like about this band is how the vocals can be unbelievably smooth and wonderful, but the lead singer, Justin Furstenfeld, can just...fucking...flip his vocal chords inside out and fucking scream to a melody when the music calls for it.

It’s an amazing album that I would recommend to pretty much anybody who’s into punk or “alternative rock” or even just...music. 

ALSO I have to talk about the s t r i n g s.

I legitimately think that Blue October’s music sounds so different and resonant because, even though it’s a lot of intense hard rock, there is so. Much. Violin.

Sometimes the violin will overpower the guitar, or maybe even straight up replace the guitar in some places. It’s unique and great and it sounds fucking amazing. I love that fucking violin. 

So I’m really invested in both the music and the Narrative of Blue October albums by the time I’m 13-14sh; right when Approaching Normal drops.

This album is...different...ish.

Like, I don’t necessarily think it’s more intense than their other albums, but it’s...angrier.

Approaching Normal also apparent themes, much like its predecessors: the birth of a daughter and a crumbling marriage. However, unlike the previous albums, the lyrics on this one become a lot more literal. The writing isn’t as good as far as the words go. As for the music...eh. I like “Should Be Loved” quite a lot, but I feel like the vocal performance is at odds with the melody. Most of the album is either just okay or actively bad. 

It’s...an uncomfortable album. The Narrative has become too overwhelming and I would argue too personal. 

There’s less violin.

And

whoo boy.

Okay, I literally just found out there was a censored version of this album like 6 seconds ago because I’m looking stuff up on wikipedia, but, of course, me and my dad got the uncensored version because we’re not w i m p s.

So, thank fuck by this point in my life I had my own ipod and my dad listened to music on his computer, so we heard this album independently from each other. 

Dude, I first heard the song “The End” at like 3 in the morning as a very sheltered and very very squeamish 14 year old.

I

could not sleep.

I literally took the song off of my ipod so I wouldn’t have to even think about it.

Yeah...this album didn’t get played in the car often.

It’s amazing how Foiled finally got the band off of the ground and then like 3 years later they come out with this album that is not nearly as easy to market. My local radio station used to have a show called “wired or fired” where they would play new songs and the audience would vote on whether or not it sucked. “Dirt Room” was featured on there and the reception was nooot positive. 

So fast forward another two years and Any Man in America comes out.

I fucking hate this album.

Actually the sad thing is I technically like more songs on this album than on Approaching Normal, but I just haaaaate it conceptually and in practice. 

The lyrics are even more literal and more personal than on Approaching Normal, and the Narrative picks up right where that one left off. The theme of Any Man in America is a very very messy divorce and custody battle that Justin Furstenfeld was going through. 

It is a Hard Yikes.

The misogyny in this album is overwhelming. And you can argue like “hey...the guy has bipolar disorder and is just working through his emotional problems” or whatever, but...he still dedicated an entire album to basically cursing at this woman. But what really turns my stomach is how much this album can and will resonate with every joe-shmoe misogynist going like “yeah haha women suck the feminists are taking over make me a sandwiiiiiich” like alskdfkhgkajhdkfjskf I DON’T THINK THAT’S THE ALBUM’S INTENTION BUT IT WILL DEFINITELY SPEAK TO THAT CROWD EVEN IF THAT WASN’T THE POINT.

But hey, shout out to “The Money Tree” and “The Follow Through” for actually being good songs and also bringing back that violin. 

So yeah. Blue October just kind of fell off of my radar after that, until another two years pass and I catch wind of Sway coming out. I was kinda like “eh, they’ve already jumped the shark,” but then I heard the single “Bleed Out” before the album’s release and...I didn’t love it, but I liked it. It sounded more like Foiled and less like Any Man in America. So I got on the hype train.

And I’m glad I did. I bought the album digitally and burned it onto a CD for my dad, and it was the first time in a while that he had an actual Blue October CD in his car, instead of just the best selection on a USB.

It’s the most tonally similar to Foiled, although I don’t think it’s as strong  as that album. That could be a nostalgia bias, but I do legitimately think the melodies are less interesting... and that violin continues to get downplayed. I miss it. I miss the violin.

The Narrative continues, but thankfully the lyrics have gotten less literal. I would say the theme of this one is “healing and starting over.” “Sway” is a pretty ballad and I love “Angels in Everything.” The album as a whole is just...nice. But it still has some of that edge/whole knife thing going for it. The sex and drugs aint absent. 

So I liked this album. 

Fast forward another few years, to a Renee that hasn’t listened to Blue October songs in a while and also doesn’t really listen to the radio that much anymore. I’m randomly in the car with my dad when I hear a fucking Blue October song on the radio. A new one. I could tell it was them because Furstenfeld’s voice is very distinctive. Out loud I’m just like “Is...is this Blue October?????????” Partially because I didn’t know they had a new album out, but mostly because this was the first time I’d heard a new Blue October song get radio play in my city since fucking 2009 when “Dirt Room” was on Wired or Fired.  

The song was “Home,” which was also the title of the album. My dad ended up buying it for me for Christmas that year. The album reminds me more of Sway than any other, but I do prefer more songs on it. “Heart Go Bang” is great and sounds like it came straight off of History for Sale and “I Want It” is fantastic in my opinion. I like “Coal Makes Diamonds,” I like “Houston Heights” and “Leave it in the Dressing Room,” and I really like “Home.” 

(Still want more violin, though.)

I would say that the Narrative/theme of this album is love and family. This album was written after Furstenfeld remarried. Before Sway came out, his girlfriend apparently told him to stop being a piece of shit and get sober or she was going to leave and take their unborn baby with her.

So he did.

I really want to know more about this woman, because she’s kind of my hero at the moment.

The second last song on the album, “Time Changes Everything” feels like it’s about letting go of that battle he was fighting with his ex. It’s conceptually comforting, if that is indeed the case.

The funny thing is, I thought this album kind of put the Narrative in a nice little bow. Like, the most dramatic part is over and now this story can have a happy ending.

Which is why it came as an extra-super-double shock when I found out two days ago that Blue October released another album over a  y e a r  a g o.

This is what I get for not listening to the radio.

I have not listened to this album yet, and the reviews posted on wikipedia are positive but still mixed. Like, people saying it’s poppy and mainstream but also saying it still has edge, etc.

I’m a little afraid of listening to it, because I’m not sure what direction their music has taken, or if it’ll become too same-y to other stuff on the radio.

We’ll see.

When I finally listen to it I might post a review or something.

But from what it sounds like, the album is mostly positive in terms of messages and themes, and that’s comforting to me.

Okay.

Those are my thoughts on Blue October.

They...probably are my favourite band, despite the problems I have with some of their music.

I kind of made this post to put into words why/how this music is so important to me, but it’s genuinely hard to describe. I’ve done my best, but at the end of the day...I just really dig this music.

Anyways, if you for some reason decided to read this post without knowing much about Blue October music and want to get into it, I made a playlist of what I think are the best songs from each album because IIIIIII had nothing better to do. Apparently.

Trigger Warnings: A very large number of the songs are about mental illness and suicide, so watch out for that.

“Angel” and “Razorblade”: Sexual Violence TW (Good songs, but really intense)

“Hard Candy” and “Drop”: Drug Use TW

There ya go.

Enjoy.

#blue october #music #renee life

[dynamite-derek]

My top-10 games of 2018

It’s that time of the year where you are flooded with lists of the best stuff from 2018 and I’m no different. Originally I was going to just make a list of the top 10 games I played in 2018. I even had a giant list I was updating throughout the year. But one day my phone randomly reset and I lost that list. So, business as usual this year. Maybe next year. 

Before I start with the numbered list, I’d like to note a couple of games that won’t be appearing for various reasons.

Games I liked a lot but haven’t played enough of to place on a list like this: Into the Breach, Dead Cells

A critically acclaimed game I haven’t played: God of War

I don’t want remakes on my list, but these games were really good: Shadow of the Colossus, Yakuza Kiwami 2 and Spyro Reignited Trilogy

Ports aren’t eligible but I like these a lot too: Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze, Shenmue 1&2, Hyrule Warriors and the PC port of one of the best games ever, Yakuza 0.

Okay, let’s get started.

10-) Red Dead Redemption 2: Actually had to debate between this and Pokemon: Let’s Go Pikachu for this spot. Ultimately I chose this game because the narrative is spectacular. Well that and the fact that Let’s Go is sort of a remake. This game absolutely nails atmospheric storytelling and creates one of the most interesting protagonists in AAA gaming. This game does a lot of things well, but the actual gameplay portion is...pretty mixed. I didn’t have fun with the open world at all and most missions involved long bouts of horseback riding with dialogue or ambient music. But RDR 2 does everything else so well. It also knows when to go all out. Every major mission in the game is memorable for one reason or another, especially with intelligent usage of music. It’s a game I will never play again, but despite some problems with the gameplay I can safely say that I enjoyed my time with it.

9-) Mario Tennis Aces: This game was a lot of fun. I wrote about it earlier in the year and my opinions on it are still the same.  Even though the gameplay is fairly simplistic, every match against another human felt unique and different. You have to learn the styles of your opposition and adapt. It’s like a fighting game! The online gameplay was also pretty solid. I felt pretty damn good whenever I would win a tournament. Really, Smash Bros. Ultimate would have done well to borrow this mechanic in some way. The only real problem with the game is that there is just a major lack of content. The heavily advertised story mode is barely worth playing and the cups, well, you might as well be playing against an unmanned player 2. I haven’t touched the game in a while, so this might have been fixed via update. As I said a few months ago, this game could have been a masterpiece with a bit of extra fine tuning.

8-) Dragon Ball Fighter Z: This game feels like it was made specifically for me. I have a lot of love for the Marvel vs. Capcom games and even more love for the Dragon Ball franchise. The game is easy to approach for newcomers to this type of game by keeping the inputs simple and having very easy to pull of auto-combos. You won’t do too well online if you stick to the auto combos, but it’s a good way to start and learn how to play. I think a lot of people could start with Fighter Z and transition into more complicated fighting games, which is exactly what you want with a game like this that will attract many people who might not otherwise play a traditional fighter. Oh, and sometimes it looks like you’re playing an episode of the anime which is insane. The story mode is pretty tedious at times, which is a let down, but Fighter Z is an absolute blast to play and is easily the best playing Dragon Ball game yet. Hopefully season 2 of the DLC goes less heavy on all the Gokus. 

7-) Mega Man 11: The blue bomber returns! It’s been a long wait, but after playing through both collections last year and then the X-collection earlier this year, I was ready for Mega Man to get back into the spotlight. It’s a little hard to get into at first because the level design seems pretty tied into the main new mechanic, the gear system. Basically the player can slow things down to a crawl or boost Mega Man’s power. If you just play this game like you would any other Mega Man game, you’re probably going to throw your console out the window during Tiki Man’s stage. Once you figure this out, the system adds a unique flavor to the Mega Man experience and feels like an actual new Mega Man. I love MM9 and 10, but those did not feel like new games. The only thing that I didn’t like about this game was the music. Which, uh, is weird for a Mega Man game. Here’s hoping they get it right in the inevitable Mega Man X9. 

6-) Marvel’s Spider-Man: I don’t particularly like super hero movies and I haven’t enjoyed a Spider-Man game thoroughly since the first PS1 Spider-Man, so you wouldn’t normally think this game would appeal to me. But it absolutely does. The gameplay is outstanding and combines an improved version of the swinging scene in Spider-Man 2 with a combat system that is fairly similar to the Batman Arkham games. I recommend playing the game on hard because, while it’s hard to get used to, it makes every encounter feel unique. You constantly have to adapt to what the enemy is doing. You can’t just mash on the attack button and then press the dodge button when the dodge prompt comes up. 

The story is also interesting throughout. It has my favorite interpretation of Peter Parker I’ve seen in a while and has a pretty enjoyable cast of characters. Really Mary Jane is the only character I didn’t like and even with her, there are moments that hit home - specifically the text exchanges between MJ and Peter. The game is littered with references to past Spidey adventures and just feels like a giant love letter to fans of the hero. Can’t recommend it enough.

5-) Celeste: I didn’t know what to expect with this game. Sometimes I feel very leery of when a bunch of people prop up an indy game too much. Gone Home a couple of years ago told a pretty mediocre story that was held up as some form of high art. Just didn’t get it. So I went into Celeste wanting to not like it and came out fairly surprised. The gameplay feels like a better version of Super Meat Boy and the narrative tells a pretty compelling tale about depression and how to come to terms with yourself. I even don’t mind the pixel art. I am getting sick of indy games going for the retro aesthetic, but when combined with the great soundtrack it’s hard not to love what it’s presenting. 

The game is simple enough to complete on its own. I would argue that anybody could do it as long as they keep at it. But for those platforming veterans, the game also offers a heavy challenge. The B-side and C-side levels will test your skills and remind you of some of the most challenging bits of hard platforming games like Super Meat Boy and I Wanna Be The Guy. Basically, come for the compelling narrative. Stay for the wickedly difficult and addicting gameplay.

4-) Yakuza 6: I believe I enjoyed this game far more than most folks. It told the end of Kazuma Kiryu’s story. It had some problems along the way but my god did I enjoy the ride. The cast of characters surrounding Kiryu in Hiroshima are all great and one of the main characters is Beat Takeshi. It also has a ton of things to do and see. I love the clan wars sidequest featuring New Japan wrestlers, I love the baseball manager quest, I LOVED becoming a regular at a bar and getting to know everyone in it like I was playing some sort of weird Cheers game, I even loved the adult cam chats that came with wacky dialogue. This game is full of charm.

I haven’t mentioned the gameplay yet you might have noticed. That’s because, well, it’s a new direction for the franchise. It focuses on allowing more people to fight Kiryu at once and as a result feels less refined than recent entries Yakuza 0 and Yakuza 5. I am excited to see where they take it in Yakuza 7, but I would be fibbing if I suggested that I felt 6 plays as well as previous entries. Still, the entire Yakuza package is compelling and I never felt like I was scrambling for things to do or see. I don’t 100% games out of obligation. I’m not one of those people that feels the need to 100% every game I play. I 100%ed Yakuza 6 though. And I loved every minute of it, combat and all.

3-) Valkyria Chronicles 4: As none of you might know, I used to review games for a website called 411mania. One of the games I reviewed for them was the original Valkyria Chronicles. Nobody else wanted to do it because it looked like a generic jRPG and I was really the only person on the site who liked jRPGs so the game fell to me. And I absolutely loved it. The story was captivating, the graphics were stylish and and the gameplay felt like a breath of fresh air. It was the combination of a tactical RPG and a (very, very simplified) shooter. To this day it remains one of my favorite games ever. Conversely, Valkyria Chronicles 2 on the PSP is one of my least favorite games ever and 3 never came to the states - though it does have a fan translation. The franchise has felt dead in the west for ages. The musou-like Azure Revolution sure as fuck didn’t get me going.

4 came out this year and it felt like I went back in time. Everything I loved about 1 was back. It’s even expanded upon. The grenadier is a great new troop that feels overpowered at first, but really forces the player to rethink how to approach certain situations. The story isn’t as good as the story in 1, but I found it simple and enjoyable. I genuinely liked the main cast and wanted to see them do well. That’s more than I can say for a lot of games. I know I mentioned earlier in my blurb about Mega Man that what I liked about it was that it actually felt like a new game. The difference here is that I have 10 other Mega Man games that play like Mega Man games. With this franchise, I have 1 (or maybe 2, I hate how maps work on the PSP but I have not played enough of 3 to judge). Sometimes a franchise revival needs to go “like the one you like but more” route. I loved this game and I hope as it gets cheaper more people try it. 

2-) Dragon Quest XI: Hey you might notice this about my gaming preferences, but I really enjoy Japanese RPGs! And this sure as hell was one of those! DQ XI felt like a game from another dimension in a lot of ways. It’s a traditional playing Japanese RPG with a big AAA budget. It looks breathtaking. Big budget JRPGs feel like something out of the PS2 era, which is great because I sure love PS2 era RPGs. It’s lengthy, it has a crazy amount of postgame content and has a lot of side stuff in case you get tired of fighting down the main path. It’s a great throwback. 

This game also has the most balanced party in recent RPG memory. Usually games like these have one or two party members that you just don’t enjoy. For instance, Final Fantasy X is one of my favorite games ever. But I just don’t like Kimahri. I don’t like using him and I don’t think his character is interesting. DQ XI has nobody like that. I found everybody likable. Sylvando and Jade in particular stand out and are among my favorite characters in gaming. Really, I enjoy everything about this game. Even the music! I know a lot of people complain about the simplified score in the western version, but I honestly found it to work out pretty well for the game. Obviously the Japanese version is superior, but I still enjoy it. If you’re a fan of RPGs and you haven’t played DQ XI, you’re missing out.

1-) Super Smash Brothers Ultimate: This was my most anticipated game of 2018 from the moment it was announced and the final product delivered everything that I had hoped it would. You have a large cast of characters, a crazy number of stages and a bunch of single player content to consume in between bouts of online or local multiplayer. The single player is what ranks this game so high for me. The classic mode - think arcade mode in standard fighters - is easily the best it has ever been. Each character has their own route with their own gimmick, which gives the player incentive to play each and every one. With a roster of over 70 fighters, that’s impressive. The adventure mode can start off slow, but once you get into the groove of it I really think it stands out as something special. It’s an expanded version of event battles from past games. You face off against a fighter (or fighters) embodying the personality of a character that isn’t in the game. They range from obscure stuff you haven’t heard of to a fight with Geno’s spirit that has you do battle with the cast of Super Mario RPG (with substitutes for Geno and Mallow). It feels very creative. It can be grindy for some, but I really enjoyed my time with it.

I think the online could be more fleshed out. I don’t experience as many laggy matches as most people, but even still the options online are fairly bare bones. You don’t even have leaderboards. I want to compare how good I am with how good my friends are! I think Nintendo plans to keep this game alive for the duration of the Switch’s lifespan, so I believe there will be plenty of time to get the online situation perfect. That doesn’t really excuse Nintendo from still not getting online even close to right in 2018, but I find Ultimate to be such a complete package that I can look past these shortcomings. Ultimately, it is my favorite entry in one of my favorite franchises. So it’s pretty easily my game of the year.

#Game of the year #game of 2018 #games of the year #Red Dead Redemption 2 #Dragon Ball FighterZ #Mario Tennis Aces #Mega Man 11 #Spider-Man #Celeste #Yakuza 6 #valkyria chronicles 4 #Dragon Quest XI #Super Smash Brothers Ultimate #opinion

[joyofcrime-elinorhigh]

2016 Year in REVIEW Part 2:

  Hello there, everybody! My name is JoyofCrimeArt and this is part two of my two part "2016 Year in REVIEW. If you haven't seen part one yet I recommend that you do so before reading this part. So here's the link 2016 Year in REVIEW: Part 1 and let's just jump right back into it.

   So last we left off Nickelodeon created a new show that is both critically loved and is doing strong in the ratings. Things are looking good for them, there back in peoples good graces, so what does Nickelodeon do next? Admit that everything they've done for the last decade in a half has sucked and goes full 90's kid on us of course! Screw everything we've made since "Rocket Power" THE 90'S WHERE ALL THAT, SON! NICKELODEON WAS A MISTAKE!  Yes, right as summer was starting to roll around Nickelodeon decided to go back to the days when people liked them with a plethora of reboots and revivals. Cause why move forward, when you can move backwards, am I right? All jokes aside, the idea of reboots and revivals, as I've stated before, are not bad. But only if it's with a property that has potential with a continuation. or if the series can be done differently, with a unique spin to it. It's just that Nickelodeon announced so many so fast, that it feels like an act of desperation. Cartoon Network announced a lot of reboots too, but 1.) They didn't announce as many and 2.) They had shows on there network that had critical success while Nickelodeon has not. So it feels like there just trying to get that old success back. But whatever, it might feel a bit desperate but that doesn't mean the reboots and revivals will be bad. So let's go through all the stuff Nickelodeon has announced and see how it looks.  First Nickelodeon rebranded the "The 90's are all That." into "The Splat" which is a much catchier name, though not much other than that seemed to change. At first there were showing a lot of shows that weren't on "The 90's are all That." but now it just seems like it's the same stuff "The 90's are all That." use to show. Though now the block is much longer, so there's that. Not anything that really interest me, but I'm sure it interest some other people.  A "Legend of the Hidden Temple" movie was announced. I watched it, and I didn't really like it very much, though my older brother who did grow up with Legend of the Hidden Temple seemed to like it. I've never seen the original game show except for once or twice, so maybe it wasn't "for me." but a revival should be made for anybody to enjoy, not just old fans. The whole movie was pretty much just "Hey look, a purple parrot! Look, the steps of knowledge. Remember the steps of knowledge. I 'member." In terms of story and acting it was about on par with your average Nickelodeon original movie.  A two part "Hey Arnold! Jungle Movie." was announced, and while I've never seen Hey Arnold! I'm glad that they get to conclude the series, especially since the only reason it wasn't made was because of some weird legal reasons. Also a "Rocko's Modern Life" tv movie was announced and I'm just like, why? Is there more potential with this idea? Like I'm not saying the show is bad or anything, and I'm not saying that the tv movie will be bad. I'm just what can you really do with a modern day "Rocko's Modern Life?" I mean they could make fun of some modern things I guess, but I don't know. It just seems like there are better choices for shows to make specials out of.  What I am interested in is a "Ren and Stimpy" theatrical short, set to play before the third Spongebob Squarepants movie. I'm shocked they got John K. back after what happened between him and Nickelodeon. I think John K's style would work better in a short, so he'd have more time and budget to make it the way he wants to, and wouldn't have to worry about deadlines.  So yeah, it's kind a mixed bad with these revivals. Some of them sound cool. It just feels weird to me that Nickelodeon is just starting to be good again, but then they go through this midlife crisis and act like everything they did after 1999 was crap. Nickelodeon has made good shows after the nineties ended, and are even making some good shows now, so I don't see why they need to do this. I do wonder how successful these revivals will be though, as the "Hidden Temple" movie only did "okay" ratings wise. (Though they did post it on iTunes first, so maybe that was a factor.)  Anyway, speaking of reboots that people were actually excited about animation fans where greeted to a reboot that they were actually pumped for with Netlix's "Votron: Legendary Defender"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXW1waqRCb0

This show is a bit hard for me to talk about. I can definitely say that I recommended it, but I'm not one hundred percent sure I can say I loved it. What do I mean by that? Well I can say that the show has a lot of amazing elements.One, it's an action show through and through, which is kinda rare these days. It has a really great voice cast, featuring Jeremy Shada (Finn from Adventure Time) Kimberly Brooks (Jasper from Steven Universe) Josh Keaton (Spider-Man from Spectacular Spider-Man and Hal Jordan from Green Lantern TAS) Along with several other talented actors. The animation was also really good! It was a bit choppy at parts but for the most part it looked really good. The show was created by two people who worked on "Legend of Korra" and it shows in the art style and even the storytelling. (Cause let's all be real here, Hunk is pretty much just Bolin in space.) The story was told pretty well and overall it's a great show but...for some reason I could never really get that into it. And I don't know why! I mean sure I have some problems with the show. The villains where kinda bland, (except for Cree Summer's character, oh by the way she's in this.) A lot of the action was kinda repetitive, and there's a subplot with Pidge that, while interesting, didn't really serve much purpose. Also I wish we could of seen more locations other than just the castle and a couple other planets (but season two seems to promise that if the finale was any indication.) But still these are mostly nitpicks. So why don't I love this show like I thought I was going to?  I don't really have a answer for that. It's weird, cause I should love this show! But it never really connected much with me, and I don't know why. Maybe it was the generic villains making the threat not seem that dire, or maybe it was the somewhat repetitive nature of the show. I don't know, and it makes this show hard to talk about. Maybe It had something to do with the way I watched it, as I watched all eleven episodes over the course of three months. Maybe that's part of it, but I feel that if I enjoyed it more In would of wanted to watch the series much faster. Like how I binged Bojack Horseman over a couple of days. The Nostalgia Critic has a video about movies that are so good it's bad, [link] and that might be a bit of what's happening here, maybe? I don't know. I am going to check out season two. And I do suggest you watch it, as everyone else I hear talk about the show seems to love it, and it's probably just some problem that I have with it, that most likely won't effect what you guys. Check it out if it seems interesting to ya.  Anyway as May began to come to a close online production company Rooster Teeth produced the web show that we didn't ask for, but turns out we secretly needed, with RWBY CHIBI!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tu6D5jR1rSQ

 I'm going to just quickly talk about this because I do want to do a full review of both RWBY and RWBY Chibi at some point, so let's breeze through this. RWBY Chibi is a comedic spin-off of the RWBY webseries. It focuses on the more comedic aspects of the RWBY characters when there not off fighting monsters and bad guys. If this description sounds familiar to you it's because IT'S TEEN TITANS GO BUT GOOD!  The show is adorable, and really really charming. The show isn't perfect though. I first six or so episodes start off pretty meh, with some very repetitive jokes (specifically about Blake.) but as the season goes on they start adding more and more characters into the show, and they show begins to improve a lot. The more characters they add the more opportunity for jokes they create. And once they start adding the Chibi-fied versions on the villains, the show becomes God-tier. The animation on the show is also kinda bad. The models themselves look great but whenever a character isn't talking or doing something they just stand perfectly still, not blinking or moving any part of themselves for twenty to thirty seconds at a time. But this also improves a bit as the series goes on, and it's not like the main series where the animation is the big draw. Also sometimes the jokes can go on a bit long.  This series is great if your a RWBY fan, but sadly I do say that you do kinda have to be a RWBY fan because the series does spoil some stuff. Episode six and eight are really the only ones that spoils anything huge, but a lot of the jokes are in jokes and is better to see if you've the original show. You'll still get em without seeing the original, but there better if you've had. So go watch RWBY and RWBY Chibi damn it! They even had an entire episode that was just adapting RWBY fan comics! This show is so cool!  So after that amazingness happened more amazingness, Steven Universe came back with a Summer of Steven bringing us everything we wanted out of Steven Universe. More backstory on Gem Civilization! More Pearl being gay! More new Fusions! More Pearl being gay! More episodes focusing on the humans that everyone hated because it didn't give more backstory on the gems even though the episodes were still really fun and people should really just chill! More Lapis being salty as fu*k! And more Pearl being gay! We even got an new half hour episode where we meet an old Crystal Gem name Bismuth. An episode that got so divisive when debates broke out weather or not murdering all the homeworld gem is okay. And a smaller discussion on weather or not Avatar TLA finale was good or not. Okay, not really the last thing, but still. It got to the point when fans started attacking Lauren Zuke on twitter, even though SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE EPISODE! But that's what they get for trying to gemsplain towards Bismuth about morality. (For the record gemsplaing is like Mansplaing but with Gems.) Dumb jokes that'll make people hate me aside, it was the Summer of Steven was a blast, and a highlight for the whole year in the animation world.  But Roster Teeth animation wasn't done with just RWBY Chibi, as they made another new web series with there adult animated series, Camp Camp.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hv5JfMDLgCU

 Like Powerpuff Girls, this is a show I've already talked about before, PLUG! Camp Camp REVIEW: So I'll try to be brief. Camp Camp is a great web seires that manages to do a great job mimicking the art style of a PBS show, which hilariously contrasts the raunchy adult humor that the series offers. It does adult humor really well, and never fells like it's being raunchy just for the sake of being raunchy. As I said in my original review the show feels one half Total Drama Island and one half South Park, and the combination works. The show has a stellar voice cast that includes Yuri Lowenthal, Travis Willingham, and even Dante Basco in one episode. It's really a rather impressive production for a web series, and the shows only main flaw stems from a rather unlikable lead character, which does hinder the show quite a bit. Still though, it was a fun show all things considered and the speech in the final episode was a fantastic moment for the series that gave a powerful lesson about nihilism vs idealism. I don't want to give to much away but it's interesting to compare it to a lot of the adults shows out there like "Rick and Morty" and "Bojack Horseman" as it offers a bit of a different perspective on the issue. (Not that the way Rick and Morty and Bojack talk about these themes are bad per say, it's just neat to see a slightly different perspective.) Camp Camp is a show I highly recommend.  So Sanjay and Craig also ended this year. I never really watched the show, wasn't really my thing. Not much to say about it other than, it was event that happened this year.  Meanwhile back on Netflix Bojack Horseman aired it's third seasons. (WARNING! SPOILERS FOR BOJACK! SKIP THIS PART IF YOU WANT TO REMAIN UNSPOILED!) So this season follows Bojack trying to get the fame and aspiration he always dreamed of by being seen as a serious actor. He gets a girlfriend who helps him, they end up breaking up by the end of the season. The season starts with Bojack holding on to the development that he had from the previous season, but after realizing that the thing he though he wanted wasn't what he really wanted he ends up relapsing and goes on a binger, possibly scars his ex-crushes daughter, and ends with him learning that he has to be a better person, and is inspired by a runner.  Oh wait, that was the season two plot description. Here's the season three plot description. So this season follows Bojack trying to get the fame and aspiration he always dreamed of by being seen as a serious actor. He gets a girlfriend who helps him, they end up breaking up by the end of the season. The season starts with Bojack holding on to the development that he had from the previous season, but after realizing that the thing he though he wanted wasn't what he really wanted he ends up relapsing and goes on a binger, possibly scars his ex-crushes daughter, and ends with him learning that he has to be a better person, and is inspired by a runner. Again. (Oh my God! This is a joke! Please don't kill me internet! I still like the show!) SPOILERS ARE NOW OVER!  Then, as yearly tradition, Cartoon Network played a new mini-series. Though I don't think people were as excited for this one as they were for some previous ones...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EMC9jnFAG4

(Love this show or hate it, you got to admit that the this theme song is pretty great! When was the last time we even had a minute long theme song?)  So Teen Titans Go! had a miniseries this year with a five part "Island Adventure." Though like "Long Live the Royal" it's not really a continuous story and more just a couple of episodes with a vague through line. The premise of the mini-series isn't a bad one. I like the "trapped on an island one." plot and there's lots of different stories you can tell with that plot, so Teen Titans Go! decided to simply do the plot five times, with each episode parodying a different island themed story. It was cool seeing a change of location for the Titans, as most episodes don't really have them leaving the Titan's Tower, so that was nice. But sadly the good idea was ruined by the fact that it's still Teen Titans Go! and it still had the Teen Titan Go! style of humor which, in my humble opinion, isn't really that good. It's definitely not the worse thing Teen Titan's Go! has done, but if you don't like TTG I don't think this miniseries will really sway you. Overall it was pretty meh. Though if you like TTG than you'll probably enjoy it fine.  Also, (spoilers, I guess?) the twist turns out that the whole time...It was really a hater bashing episode the whole time. Ha ha, what a twist- (Next thing please.)  Harvey Beaks was announced to end. I never really watched Harvey Beaks, though the couple of episodes I have seen kinda make me wish I did because the show seemed like it was pretty good. Nothing amazing, but the show looked good. So I'm kinda sad to see it go, because a lot of adult fans seemed to like it. It would of been a good show to pair with The Loud House I think, but sadly the numbers just didn't lead that way.  Also in BIG animation news for Cartoon Network it was announced that Adventure Time and Regular Show would be ending. Adventure Time still has two seasons to air before it ends and Regular Show is going to be ending in January. It's kinda a bittersweet feeling seeing these shows go. It's not really surprising to see these shows go, considering how Cartoon Network barely reruns them, but still. Adventure Time has been a bit rocky lately though I do think it still has some great episodes. Though these great episodes are becoming rarer as time goes on, so I guess it is good, from an artistic standpoint to see it go. As for Regular Show I think the show was pretty solid throughout. The newest season's been a bit of a dip (I'll get to that in a minute.) so I think, from an artistic standpoint, It's the perfect time to stop. That way the show will be looked back on fondly in the future.  And speaking of Regular Show the show went into SPPPAAAACCCCCEEEEE this year. Now for a little while my family was a cord cutting family, we have satellite now, but the last time I saw Regular Show before we cut the cord we where in an arc about Rigby going back to high school, and when we get satellite again there suddenly in space, and I'm just like "Yup! Okay, this is happening now!"  While I do admire them changing up the formula by sending them to space, I honestly don't love the change. Something that I really liked about Regular Show was the contrast. The episodes would start mundane but end up being fantastical. But now that there in space all the time it gets rid of the contrast cause it's weirdness on top of weirdness. But maybe it could work in a Steven Universe kinda way, where it's like an awesome space opera or something. Well it doesn't work that way either, because they still treat outer space like it's mundane, but it's not, it's space! They try to do both, and I get why they tried that, but It doesn't really work. Also they've been to space before! And where is party horse, everyone's least favorite character? He's in space, why isn't he here?  That being said, the show isn't awful or anything. There still are some good episodes, like "Terror Tales of the Park VI," "No Train No Gain," and especially "Christmas in Space." So let's hope Regular Show can go out with a bang. A BIG BANG! GET IT CAUSE SPACE! HAHA! (Kill me now!)  Anyway, at least Cartoon Network has made some shows to fill in those time slots because CN's made not one, but two cartoons this year. Powerpuff Girls 2016 and our next entry, Mighty Magiswords.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0pArLEicSM

 Mighty Magiswords was based on a series on online digital shorts on the Cartoon Network app. I haven't seen these shorts, and thus will only be talking about the eleven minute series here. The show...honestly I'm not crazy about. It's not awful on anything, but I think it's just a personal preference. The main problem I have with the show is the pacing! Every character talks so frickin' fast, and the show throws so many jokes at you in such rapid succession that there's no time to process it. Also beyond that the show just doesn't seem that interesting. I don't know, I just feel like everything this show is doing was done better in like "Dave the Barbarian." (I think. Was Dave the Barbarian good? I liked it when I was, like, seven or eight. But I was also pretty dumb when I was seven or eight, and I've never really gone back to it.)  I mean the shows not awful or anything. I like the voice acting on the main two characters. Also Egoraptors in the show, and it's cool to see a guy like him make the jump from internet to television as an actual recurring character. That's pretty neat. But overall I wasn't really able to get that into this show. It just seemed very...average, y'know? But maybe if they slow the pace down a bit it could improve. I don't know, we'll have to wait and see.  Also Archer was announced to end after season ten, due to the creators choice. Wha-What the heck is going on! Why is 2016 the year that all celebrities and cartoons die?! Well, at least this means the show will actually have a conclusion, so that's nice.  Meanwhile, Disney XD aired there new show, "Milo's Murphy's Law" or as I call it "Phineas and Ferb: Weird Al Addition!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARTRJQfV90k

 This show is pretty good, all things considered. It's basically what would happen if someone with Candace Flynn's luck and gave them Phineas Flynn's personality. The show is fairly entertaining and features Weird Al Yankovic in his first staring role in a cartoon, though the voice is a little jarring what with it being a 57 year old man voicing a thirteen year old. Did you know Weird Al was 57? Did he like, find the fountain of youth or something?  the show's main problem though is the fact that the humor is very reminiscent of Phineas and Ferb, so it kinda has trouble getting it's own kinda feel. If you liked the early seasons of Phineas and Ferb you'll like this show, and if you don't like early Phineas and Ferb than you won't. Also Milo, like Phineas, is a very static character who pretty much only has "happy." as his only emotion. But the show is still funny, having the same quick wit that Phineas and Ferb had, while also not be quite as formulaic. Note I said quite, as the show is still pretty formulaic, but not as much as Phineas and Ferb.  In other news there was a controversy going on where C.H Greenblatt called out Nickelodeon for how they treated there show, and was forced to issue a retraction against his own wished. I get why some people are so upset, but are people really surprised? Like C.H Greenblatt publicly insulted his bosses. What did he, or anyone else, think was going to happen. I'm sure if someone at Cartoon Network or Disney tried to call out the networks they would be told to make a retraction too. That's kinda what happens when your a notable figure and you publicly denounce your boss. And people are saying that this is proof that Nickelodeon is a terrible company to work at, to which I say "Um, yeah. Duh." The Loud House is the first Nickelodeon original series to be treated decently on the network in years, of course it's an awful place to work. The creator's behind "Legend of Korra" never made a formal address calling out Nickelodeon, but we don't need them to do that to know that they most likely weren't to thrilled with what the channel did to there show. I just don't get what the big deal is. I thought we all already knew this.  And in other news Young Justice was announced to get a third season and...wait, third season? Ha ha! Very funny guys and...wait, it's real? This is for real,this isn't a joke? OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! THIS CALLS FOR A DANK LOUD HOUSE MEME!

(A Greg Weisman show got a third season and the very next day Donald Trump was announced our President. Ladies and Gentlemen Hell has officially frozen over!)  I'm excited. Very excited. We don't know where the show will air, but the most likely theory is Netflix. I am very happy about this.  So over Thanksgiving weekend Cartoon Network had a had a three day long Teen Titans Go! marathon. Seemed innocent enough, but then people started screaming how this was the DEATH OF CARTOON NETWORK! Apparently this marathon was proof that Cartoon Network only cares about Teen Titans Go! and the network is only going to continue to over saturate itself! People where furious about this marathon, and I really don't get it at all. I mean, I don't like Teen Titans Go!, but it's just a marathon for Thanksgiving. That's not really that strange. Remember when Cartoon Network use to marathon The Iron Giant twenty four hours on Thanksgiving? It's the same principle. Yes, Iron Giant is a lot better than Teen Titans Go! but it's not the end of the world. And while everybody was complaining about this marathon Disney XD did the exact same thing with Gravity Falls. They had another three day marathon in which they showed the series four times! Or FXX which did ANOTHER "Every Simpsons Ever" marathon for thirteen frickin days! How come those channels aren't being called out for over saturation? The only difference I see is that one is a show people online like, while the other is a show that people online hate. It was just a Thanksgiving marathon, not the end of the whole frickin world. If you don't like Cartoon Network's over saturation with Teen Titans Go! complain about the five hours of it that they show on days that aren't special occasions.  In other news Disney XD bought the rights to the entire Pokemon anime library, and is expected to start showing it sometime next year. It's really weird for me, cause growing up Cartoon Network always had Pokemon. I know Kids WB premiered it, but Cartoon Network always had the rerun rights. It'll be weird seeing it on Disney XD, though this is probably for the best honestly. Cartoon Network did not treat Pokemon right the last few years. It aired early on Saturday mornings and still got really high ratings, sometimes beating Uncle Grandpa and Powerpuff Girls 2016. Imagine how much better it would of done if it was advertised and given a good time slot. But Cartoon Network never did this. I think Disney XD will realize the potential Pokemon has, given there treatment of Yo-Kai Watch. I can see them giving it a good time slot, and rerunning it, and it doing good there. Also between Yo-Kai, Pokemon, and the upcoming Beyblade show that they acquired Disney XD's really getting quite a collection of Saturday Morning Anime. All they need to do is get Yu-Gi-Oh rights from Nickelodeon and they'll be set!  Then Cartoon Network unveiled there newest superhero cartoon, Justice League Action! Finally a DC show that isn't Teen Titans Go! and-Awwww Crap!

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6anrDYEacg

(Well on the plus side, at least they advertised it.)  I was hyped for this show before it came out. Now I want to preface part by saying I've only seen the first four episodes of this show. That's what happens when you review a show that premiered in December. But judging it by what I've seen, I really like this show. It's a fun superhero comedy action show featuring a ton of characters both iconic and obscure. The episodes may be eleven minutes long, but this is an action show, but a lighthearted one. Think Batman Brave and the Bold meets the Justice League show form the early 2000's. The action is good, even though there are parts where you can tell they most likely had a smaller budget than say Young Justice. My only problems with the show is the pacing, (which isn't as bad as I thought it would be but still seems a bit rushed) and there are several plot holes just in the one hour special alone. But other than that the show is pretty solid. It's great to see an action superhero show on Cartoon Network again. So....how long you think It'll be before it get's replaced with Teen Titans Go! reruns?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTkFgj4dA1w

 Now when I first planned this review out, I was intending to end with Justice League Action but then, literally just a few days ago, I decided to check out one more show for this review. That show would be the Netflix original series Trollhunters created by Guillermo del Toro.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2oNgZlbSKI  I want to preface this review by saying that as of the time of me writing this, I have only seen four episode of this show. So everything I say here should be taken with a grain of salt. If I wasn't on a deadline I wouldn't even be talking about this show yet, but since I am on a deadline let's talk about it. The show has a lot of good elements to it. It has great animation for a tv budget. (Well, not a tv budget, but still.) This show also has a great voice cast including the late Anton Yelchin, Kelsey Grammer, Ron Perlman, and Tom "I make all the fan girls wet" Hiddleston. The show has a nice sense of adventure and there is also a lot of creativity with the world building. Also Jim, our main protagonist, is a very likeable character. There's only one big problem, and this may go away as the show goes on, but the show uses a lot of cliches. It's another "kid is the chosen one, and he has to balance his secret life with high school, and he starts letting people down because of this. He has a fat comic relief best friend and all he want's to do is impress the pretty girl AND THE PROMS TOMORROW!" But again, they don't do these cliche's badly per say, they just don't add that much new to them. So far. Again, I've only seen four episodes so far, so please be spoiler free in the comments. I've heard good things about this show, so I'm assuming this improves as the series goes on. Or maybe it doesn't. I don't know. Check it out if your at all interested and find out for yourself.  So that was 2016 year on animation reviewed. It was quite a year! There was some bad, I'd maybe say even more bad than the average year, but there was a lot of good too. It was a wild ride and I'm looking forward to what 2017 brings to the table. So to cap this year off, allow me to present the top 9 best shows of 2016 (out of the ones I reviewed here!) We're just going to breeze through em, and keep in mind this list is a little bias, as shows from the earlier part of the year have a higher chance of winning me over than shows at the end of the year, due to me having seen more episodes of them. Ready? Here we go! 9. Mighty Magiswords 8. Powerpuff Girls 2016 7. Voltron: Legendary Defenders 6. Troll Hunters 5. The Loud House 4. Milo Murphy's Law 3. Justice Leauge Action 2. Camp Camp 1. RWBY Chibi   Though this is all subject to change. Also keep in mind that I'm not very good at ranking things. A lot of these things could be swapped around, as my opinion on things as specific as placement change very often, sometimes even day to day. So take this list with a grain of salt. Also keep in mid I haven't seen every show made in 2016, and missed out on a bunch of them. Like all of these ones!  (Bordertown, Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio (Da hecks with that title?), Camp WWE, Dream Corp LLC. (Not fully animated but still), Elena of Avalor, Future Worm, Get Blake!, Home: Adventures with Tip & Oh, Kong: King of the Apes, Kuu Kuu Harajuku (Saw half an episode once, though I was on drugs), Legend of Chamberlain Heights, Lego Star Wars: The Freemaker Adventures, My Knight and Me, Pacific Heat, Peanuts, Right Now Kapow, Son of Zorn (Also not fully animated, but still)  But hopefully I got most of the big ones. So that's my review. If I had to grade this year for animation, I'd give B-. Good, but could improve. I hope this list was able to act as a brief distraction from all of the tragedy that happened this year. I know these reviews don't do much but if these reviews are able to bring somebody a brief moment of joy, and make someone forget about there problems for a little bit and just make them laugh or see things from a different point of view, than it's all worth it. At least that's my point of view. What did you think of 2016 as a whole for animation? Leave your thoughts in the comments down bellow. I'd love to start a discussion, even if you disagree with some of the stuff I said. I think it's important to start conversations like this, otherwise you end up in an echo chamber. If you have thoughts on any of these shows or events tell me what you think. Please fav, follow and comment if you liked the review, (Cause if you can't tell I put a lot of work into it, so I'd be very appreciative!) And have a great year! (I do not own any of the images or videos in this review all credit goes to there original owners.) All credit for the "Lisa Ships Meme Blank" goes to https://www.deviantart.com/mixelfangirl100 It was a lot of fun to fill out, so here's the link to the original Lisa Ships Meme Blank

#Voltron #RWBY Chibi #Camp Camp #Review #Trollhunter

[flockdynamics]

Bird cages!

HOKAY, SO.

I’m finally going to upgrade the ‘tiel cages in the next couple of months! (Once I paint my room and finish some other things around the house.) I have spent a LOT of time looking at cages (both online & in person) over the last days/weeks, and I’ve mostly narrowed it down to these two. 

So I’m looking for input! If anybody has any experience with either (or similar ones)! (FWIW, I think I read every review on every site of like a million cages--every cage out there seems to have SOME bad reviews about the quality, but I tried to choose ones where MOST of the bad reviews were based on user error or personal preference things.) Keep in mind I need two, because Keuka & Tioga do not like each other and can’t be housed together.

A&E Elegant Flight Cage

Pros: good size (there are three sizes of this--the one I’m looking at is the medium one, 32″W x 21″D x 61″H); seems very sturdy; nice looking; nice stainless steel food cups; nice shelf. I was able to check out the smaller version at a local bird store and I liked it. (ALSO, a potentially important note: Wayfair has their “own brand” of bird cages, and has this exact cage for only $205. I’m like 95% sure it IS the A&E cage, just rebranded (since it’s not like Wayfair actually MANUFACTURES their own stuff). So I could potentially get this for only $205.)

Cons: Those gaps above & below the door and by the food dishes are weird? Probably not big enough to be a problem for tiels, but? I read one single review about screws sticking out near the food cups (no one else seemed to have this problem though)?

Avian Adventures Loro Flight Cage

Pros: AA has probably the best reputation of all of the brands other than Kings; I like their no-screws approach to cage assembly (this is a big pro, actually--Gwen’s cage is like this, and I LOVE how I was able to pop it apart to store it and then pop it together in like 30 seconds...not that I will probably need to disassemble these much/if ever, but hey); the cage bars are supposed to be extra heavy-duty (also a big plus; I HATE flimsy cage bars with the fiery passion of a thousand suns). Would fit a little better in my space width-wise (though a little worse depth-wise, so that’s kind of a toss up--it’s 30W x 24D x 72H). Comes with a cool perch, I think.

Cons: More expensive--most places it’s $300 or more. The cheapest I found was for $260ish, which isn’t terrible, but still. I don’t like the look of this one as much--it looks bulky (mainly the legs, but also the square-ness. also the top roof thing, but that’s removable at least); I don’t like that the cage can’t detach from the legs; I’ve heard reviews that the casters are cheap (but maybe that’s changed?); the shelf underneath seems like it’s too high up to really be useful (for my tall food containers/plastic storage bin). I wasn’t able to check this one out in person, which always makes me iffy. This is a little thing, but I read reviews about the cups fitting REALLY snugly into the holders and being hard to get out--that would be annoying.

If you have any other suggestions (that I somehow haven’t seen/considered), also feel free to recommend! My basic requirements (and the reasons I chose the above ones) are under the cut, so I don’t completely kill everyone’s dash.

-Size (big). If I’m going to spend hundreds of dollars upgrading them, I want it to be significantly bigger than their current cages, not just a little bigger. Ideally something that could be classified as a “flight cage.” That said, with the space I have, the max width I can go to would be about 32″ (and 30 or 31″ would be preferable) and I wouldn’t want it to be much deeper than 23-24″ (21″ish is preferable). I need two of these, remember.

-General design things. Obviously, these are cockatiels, so bar spacing no more than 1/2 inch. Big enough door that they want to come out. Enough horizontal space (more important than height, though obviously there’s only so much I can do there).

-Small design things, like: most of the brand-name flight cages for smaller birds apparently (like this A&E one, which I was heavily considering for a while) don’t have food-access doors?? Wtf?? While 99% of the time I’m letting them out when I’m changing their food anyway, for the 1% of the time someone else is watching them and needs to change their food/water without them getting out, food access doors are pretty crucial. So that’s a deal-breaker. (As an aside, aren’t big flight cages like this often used for birds who AREN’T tame? Why the HECK would THESE cages be ones that you don’t put food access doors on??)

-Also small: I would prefer one with a shelf underneath! This isn’t as much of a deal-breaker, but I WOULD def prefer one with a shelf big enough to fit their food containers/the plastic tub with their blankets & supplies. (And this did help me choose between otherwise comparable cages.)

-Brand name/sturdy/safe. There’s nothing I hate more than a flimsy cage. That’s part of the reason I’ve waited so long to upgrade them--their current cages are small, but SUCH good quality (they’re Hoei, a Japanese brand you can’t find in the States anymore). Amazon has some cheap cages from brands like Mcage and YML that have some really good reviews, and I considered them, but...they also have several reviews about them being “fine, but you get what you pay for, etc.). I debated, but in the end decided that if I’m investing in new cages, I’d rather just invest in high quality ones. So I’m mostly looking at A&E, Avian Adventures, King’s, Prevue (though Prevue is probs my least fave of these), etc. 

-Related to the above, sturdiness again. I really liked the shape/dimensions of the flight cages like the A&E one without food-access doors, but the bars I think are too thin. My tiels aren’t going to bend the bars, that’s not what I’m worried about, but I like to be able to have sturdy, heavy things in there, like java wood or concrete perches, without snapping the bars. Again: flimsy cages are the bane of my existence.

Things I Do Not Want:

-Hagen Vision Cages. Unpopular opinion time! I hate them! No real shade at the cages themselves, I know a lot of people have them and really like them. I just personally do not like the way they look. And the ones I assembled back when I worked at the pet store I Did Not Like. They were frequently broken

-Double cages that stack on top of each other. There are some really nice cages like this, but I don’t like the idea of one bird being essentially on the ground? I know my birds, and they would not be a fan. Also, I know my birds and, even though they do not like each other and can’t be housed together, Tioga would FLIP if she couldn’t see Keuka. (I don’t mind the side-by-side ones with a divider like this--that’s actually what I was PLANNING to get originally. But then I realized that most of those have the same issues as the regular large flight cages of that type--thin bars & no food access doors.)

#birblr #cages #bird cages #advice #parrots #birds #cockatiels

[twiststreet]

Anonymous Questions, Insufficient Answers

That’s a topic that grinds on me a little, on the ol’ insides so I don’t know that there’s anything I’ve ever read that I’ve enjoyed on the topic, not enough to recommend.  It’s just too messy a topic.  I don’t trust anybody that’s really got an “answer” on that one entirely. I didn’t read the Harriot thing but I’m probably close to that-- "I’m just muddling through-- the world is sad-- leave me alone” seems like the only thing that makes any sense you can say.

Or I mean... I’m not sure I’m a “good person” or can lay any title to that, at least.  I’ve long had a real hatred of this posture people have online that they’re the Good Guys. I find that lack of humility disturbing.  Or I mean, they are living BORING lives because there’s something to be said for being a little bit of a bad person, on weekends or what have you (Ladies).

Or heck, I’m a lawyer-- if I get some disgruntled client out there that starts yelling this, that or the other thing about how I’m “bad” or whatever... that would put me in a very awkward situation, for a lot of different reasons. It’d be hard to respond to that in all the ways I’d want to, for a variety of reasons.  But then what happens?  People online, they don’t have any conception of how slippery or elusive the “truth” can be, not like a lawyer does anyways.   

People believe whatever. If one person says something, they go “well there you go that’s the truth, one person’s enough because there’s no such thing as liars, the only liars are white men, that’s a sane position for me to take.”  That’s the essence of Yelp’s entire fucking business model. 

So yeah, I think about how easily it could be for me to get disqualified as a person or “cancelled” or whatever the lingo is...   

Christopher McQuarrie had a thing in an interview the other day:

The only thing that shitty social media is going to be bad for is shitty social media. Filmmakers are always going to make movies. They are just going to make themselves less available to that. For me, the value of Twitter and why I signed up for it originally is so I could get ahead of inaccurate press. That was my opportunity to very quickly issue a correction when I read stuff that was wrong. I now realize that value is outstripped 1000 fold by the fact that you don’t even need to say the wrong thing to say the wrong thing anymore. It doesn’t matter what you said, the internet tells you what you meant. And that all comes from the fact that nobody is reading what you said, they are reading what they’ve come to complain about.

I’ve seen a little bit of that.  When you write something people don’t like, some ax-grindy weirdo will link to you like “look at this asshole” (if you’re lucky enough to have them link to what you wrote and you don’t have some low-reading-comprehension moron trying to paraphrase something they hallucinated that you said).  And then people who read these weirdos, it’s twitter so they’re playing the “one up” game so like they’ll be like “yeah, you’re right he’s a word salad barbarian”, trying to plus the original insult because that’s really the game of social media, it’s “Yes And” for the stupid and the rejected.  Because they’re hate-clicking and most hate-clicking is just lonely people’s idea of socializing.  And those people think you’re supposed to take them seriously...?  Haha.  

So I mean, there’s a ton of unasked questions-- whether you’re really evaluating who people are with reasonable criteria, or if you really know the facts ou think about people if they’ve ejected from your “conversation” or decided not to waste their time debating with people they don’t respect, or if you’re just going along with the awful gravity of some conversation that’s beneath you... Especially with people who are dead and not around to defend themselves.  (I was a celebrity’s lawyer after they died once-- that is a whole story, not one I can tell but a whole story, what people do after someone dies...).

When gross dudes online are like “innocent until proven guilty”, I don’t agree obviously because I know how the system’s broken.  It’s worse than people know. But the idea some of them might be trying to express of “hey maybe don’t rush to judgment” has been proven out to be the best policy time and time again.  And yet I don’t think it’s one that people are doing, myself sometimes included... I’m as bad as anybody. But.

Our criteria of how we even decide who an “awful person” is just seems broken.

Besides that, with cases that are relatively clear-cut...

I avoid some stuff and not other stuff, and there’s not a whole lot of rhyme or reason to it, but it’s too messy to have hard, fast rules.  Some stuff makes me feel too dirty (DC comics, anyone who made a Watchmen sequel, I skipped Incredibles 2 on purpose, Louis CK shit); other shit that’s probably just as indefensible probably to someone out there, or even to me even on an “intellectual” level, it doesn’t make me fucking blink one second, not even a heartbeat (David Foster Wallace, Tom Cruise, David Letterman, the sax music of Bill Clinton).  

If Woody Allen put out a banger tomorrow (and he’s put them out late in the game before-- I liked Midnight in Paris anyways), I’d go.  I wouldn’t feel the least bit bad about going.  And I know I’m in the minority there-- I know my position on that one is not great.

Is that right?  Is that wrong?  *World’s longest shrug* I don’t have some deluded opinion of how much I matter or how miserable I have to live to win whatever fucking purity contest the internet thinks it’s having.  I do that “I’m not giving those assholes my money” thing too, but you know, you gotta have that little voice in your head going “hey Rockefeller, you only cost them $5″, I guess, or you’re an insane person-- or worse, you’re a fucking Yelp reviewer.  

But whatever “only you can prevent forest fires” noise that the Smokey D. Bears on the internet are selling here, I’m not really buying.  Or that whole thing where people go “oh well I don’t have to deal with bad people because there’s so much great shit in the world and I’ll just do the great shit”, like they’re a fucking decadent French king... That just seems like a dodge to me.  That just seems so empty.  It reduces everything down to equally-valid empty and meaningless bemusements, which if that’s all art is for anybody, jesus christ, maybe we have a deeper problem here.  If there’s no difference in how you spend your time amusing yourself between shit and shinola, hasn’t there been some kind of failure in our culture at some level???  (I mean, and also -- there really isn’t that much great shit in the world!  People just have shitty taste, if it’s all the same to them!)

But on the other hand, I don’t know-- some people have to get got.  Do you want to live a life without any standards at all?  Roseanne-- had to get got.  Louis CK had to get got-- retaliating against people’s careers for complaining about you jerking off in front of them?  He had to get got.  Every single person in animation is fucking pond scum-- something had to be said.  Orson Scott Card-- fuck that guy; people should harass his ass forever-- some nerd being like “I like that hatemongers’s glorified episode of star war, though”, whatever that guy’s sci-fi bullshit was, I think we’re right to roll our eyes at those nerds.  All the comic book people with their dumb “the villain turned out to be a guy pretending to be a girl” comics-- people should yell at those assholes if they’re getting fucking murdered about that kinda imagery, especially if every goddamn last comic creator’s suddenly going to fake like they’re goddamn woke now to sell their bullshit.  An entirely reasonable percentage of the Me Too assholes had to get got, even if not all of them. 

Critical thinking without taking any kind of action based on that thinking ... then, it’s just masturbation, right?  So even my “I’m just muddling through here”, I recognize as inherently unsatisfying.  There’s a certain amount of hypocrisy inherent to adult life that I think you gotta forgive yourself for.  But there’s also right and wrong, so I can’t just be like 100% none of it matters internet sucks bro either.  You have to have some lines otherwise what the fuck are you...?  

I just know whatever the answer is, you’re not going to get it off someone else on the internet, though.  Some killjoy being like “oh you’re experiencing joy over a spy movie?  Let me blow your mind: Tom Cruise is in a cult-- yeah I said it” like you’re seeing online lately-- I mean, the funny part of the internet is how persuasive the biggest shitheads think they are.  (Myself included!)  A weird amount of the internet thinks “Are you experiencing intense joy or sadness?  Well here’s why you shouldn’t according to me, a braniac” is persuasive.  You know, whatever the answer is, I just know I’m not going to get it from being around those friendless dorks.  Too-online types drew the lines around them so tight the only movies they could watch were the Lady Ghostbusters and Oprah’s Wrinkle in Time!   I’d watch a snuff movie before I saw Oprah wrinkle time. So I don’t know.  

Like, the question presupposes our current cultural atmosphere as being particularly long-lasting.  I don’t think that’s going to be true in even the short term.  The backlash to this moment’s already started.  Because the internet-- nothing gets differentiated because of how we consume opinions.  If all opinions are 280 characters, then someone complaining about Aziz or Al Franken gets consumed the same way as someone complaining about Les Moonves or Harvey Weinstein, even though no one sane is saying those aren’t different situations.  But I think there have been enough things in the former category where reasonable minds can differ (I guess you’d have to lump in Hardwick in the former category, even if I might not share their analysis on that one)(James Gunn’s a weird one-- I just think he’s obnoxious generally but that’s a weird one, how people process that one), and that those things have planted seeds for some kind of backlash that’s coming, even to the good stuff.  That’s what I’m spooked by anyways... 

(Though yeah, acknowledging that... the people wanting the backlash the most are all the broken failures online who were never willing to hear anything anybody anywhere had to say to begin with, if it interfered with their living weak lives of a sort of sneering complacency, but...)

Or there’s plenty of older stuff you can point to-- that you know disregards that ... setting the issue of trolls to one side, there are people who want to believe in a kind of free speech. Giving people who want comedy Nanette instead and telling them that their comedy is wrong and evil and too racist and has to be attacked constantly, and Nanette’s the future of jokes instead-- I mean, that’s literally what the nerd-society tried to do in Demolition Man; we use to root for people who did that kinda thing to be demolition-ed by John Spartan and/or Simon Phoenix.   

Those people want a distorted kind of free speech, sure-- people sure tend to only really want to protect the speech they agree with and that comforts their status quos; it’s not fair; life’s not fair; etc.  But at least they want to believe that they believe in free speech, and I think people being overly dismissive to that (and a lot of people online are very dismissive of that) are ... they’re maybe overestimating their cultural capital.  

A backlash has certainly started out there but I don’t think that it’s fully here yet or what it looks like when it is, how ugly it looks, if it looks somehow uglier than Trumpism or what, but.  (That’d be the worry).   Or I don’t know how undeserved it is because... people have picked a lot of fucking stupid fights these last however-many years.  Or at least fights people generally just aren’t ready for, if you want to be polite about it.  Wokeness is too exhausting; what’s that Harris Wittells line?  “Motherfuckers wanna laugh.” 

I don’t know.  Not an easy world.  Not a lot of easy answers out there. 

I’m not on the same place on this question from one minute to the next let alone one day to the next, and I don’t really know how anyone is, basically.  I’m all over the map.  It’s too confusing.  I find it very confusing.  

I still think about this show pretty constantly, considering it’s been a while.

The discussion around the ending... about who’s the dreamer or whatever-- it’s just not what I think about when I think about the show, trying to solve it that way.  

There’s a popular essay floating around how the whole thing is Agent Cooper’s dream and the ending is the “real world” and blah blah blah that... 

I see the appeal of that essay, certainly.  It’s a solid essay. But the idea that the universe we see at the end is any more real than any other constructed-realities we see in Twin Peaks strikes me as fundamentally disagreeable.  Especially because we see doppelgangers in the so-called real world, or the whole... the circumstances of how Cooper finds Laura in the second world are themselves so noir and exaggerated, that... I’m just sticking with my gnostic reading of the ending-- that wherever Cooper is, at the end, it too is an illusion.  

I mean, yeah, I get it-- he cast the real people who live in the house-- I get it.  I just am not as moved by that point as other people, I guess.  Yeah, it’s the real people who live in the house but as soon as he put a camera in front of them, whatever he was showing us became inherently unreal.  I don’t know if that’s too head-up-my-ass but...

But Laura realizes Cooper is lost before she screams?  Yeah, that’s how I felt that, definitely.  I’m open to readings that Cooper is realizing something important at the end and not just revealing that he’s lost and not trustworthy, but when I watch it, I feel like we’re watching the latter -- we’re watching something dark happening.  

I feel for the people who liked the ending to the movie though so I really like people who try to figure out ways to keep that ending intact for themselves... 

My favorite people are the ones who are like “actually it’s all a mission and Cooper’s remembering his mission at the end, and that’s what the very first scene of Season 3 means and I can figure it out using this deck of playing cards and a box of red velvet cupcakes.”  I like the people who become Cooper throwing rocks at bottles to try to solve this TV show, even if I think they’re full of shit, too.  I like hearing their theories the most, people who treat it as a fantasy novel, even if I think they’re the furthest off from any kind of truth...

The people I feel saddest for are people who bought  that Mark Frost book though.  I mean, come on.  I know he co-created the show and co-wrote that season but... nah. 

For me, the thing I think about more with that show even a year later is just how images wash over you.  Like, when you see Big Ed at the end of that episode by himself, and he lights the thing on fire -- and his actions don’t match his own reflection.  Or Gordon answering the door and when he answers the door, he gets gripped by this painful-seeming image of Laura Palmer that he hallucinates.  Charlyne Yi screaming on that floor.  Just how elemental the images are... That was what really hit me with that show when it aired, and it’s the stuff I think about more than the ending even now, though the ending, that scream is ... the peak of those moments, without question.  The thing you understand without needing an “explanation.”  I’ve been thinking a lot how that’s been a thread to the stuff I care about mostly lately, I guess-- with Atlanta or Fleabag being big other examples...

I saw the first season and thought it would end where I understand the second season ended. So I was annoyed with the ending of that first season when it just sort of farted at the end, instead of going to the place I thought it needed to go (and where I understand they’ve only just now taken the show).  The whole “prestige = one story told slow” thing in TV (and comics) bores me pretty fast...  So, just on a “superhero nerd” level, I was bored because it didn’t deliver the arc that I wanted it to at the speed I was going at.  

And on a “fan of good shit” level... The thing I think you like is the thing I think I dislike where ... the “now we’re doing Lynch” of it feels very conscious and calculated to me.  It just doesn’t feel genuine.  

David Foster Wallace (who’s now culturally-verboten post-Me Too, supposedly, but...), he had a thing I always think about in a interview he did on Bookworm-- I’ve thought about it on a regular basis ever since I heard it-- which is that ... an artistic transaction has to feel like a gift, otherwise it’s just something corporate and a business transaction.  He phrased it better and more elaborately than that, but.  Legion just feels like this very calculated commercialization of stuff I like more, in service to an underlying product that’s really about nothing... “We’re weird like Lynch but to tell you a story about this awesome quirky superhero you can cosplay as, instead of molested girls.”  

Legion’s like when the bacon people suddenly all decided that they could sell more bacon by calling it “applewood bacon.”  Ooooh, applewood bacon. It’s just a Marvel show, though. Those all suck. 

It’s the opposite of the Lynch thing for me where I don’t feel like it’s about understanding things on a visceral level -- it’s about, like, going “oh it’s the Shadow King” or “Oh it’s the astral plane” and there being some tidy explanation that will be provided at some point that explains everything and makes the essential horror of the unexplainable go away.  (Which I think some people would call a defiency of the superhero genre, as a whole, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true at all... see, e.g., The Enigma...)

(If people who love superhero comics on purely theoretical grounds didn’t have The Enigma to point to, what would we do???)

Plus, too much Michel Gondry in there.  I like Eternal Sunshine but hard pass on that guy otherwise...

And I was just underwhelmed by Noah Hawley, though I keep hearing from different sources that Fargo Season 2 is the one to go with... I couldn’t watch Fargo season 1, episode 1.  Like, within 5 minutes besides my huge aesthetic displeasure with it as a Coens fan, I thought it was pedestrian thinking putting on the clothes of cooler shit to obscure how dull it was. 

Which was what I thought of Legion by the end.  That for all it’s little cuteness with style, it was just Poor Man’s Claremont.  I read enough Poor Man’s Claremont to last me a lifetime.  Including from Chris Claremont.  So.  

... for tumblr posts???  Huh. I don’t know what the answer to that is.  I don’t know that it’s ever the same thing all that consistently.  And for me, writing and rewriting kinda happen simultaneously, just because I’m fast and sloppy...?  I’m just kind of fucking around mostly, but I usually try to glance at something before I hit post because I don’t trust myself very much, so. But sometimes I don’t (and trouble ensues!).   

Sometimes it’s like “Oh I spot the joke now” kind of stuff, where I’ll go back and take out all the stuff that’s after the punchline.  But I don’t worry over the quality of my prose or whatever... If i cared about my prose when writing this stuff, there’d be a lot less “likes” and “you knows”... I throat-clear like an asshole, which should probably bother me more than it does, but... 

I’ll edit more after I hit post than when I’m writing.  I know I do that... 

You know, if you write anything, sometimes you write stuff down and you look at it and go “Hmmm, do i really believe that?”  And the answer’s no so then you delete all that shit.  But... is that “editing” or just part of writing or...?  

There are “I’m a real writer” guys online that are really sad because, you know, their shit is all boring to read because they don’t do any of their thinking on the page.  So I know I sort of pity those folks, generally.  But.

That is a question that never occurred to me.  Writing process for tumblr posts... huh!

There’s not much of any kind of rewriting if I’m posting from my phone because I don’t know how to move the cursor good on an iphone though.  Anytime I’m in an airport or at the grocery store or.... there’ve been times I’ve written whole things on a street because I didn’t want to forget the part I thought would be fun to type... But I don’t understand how to use the iPhone good since I’m aged so those don’t get fussed with as much as I would at a desktop.  Hm.  

   The first one’s a likable damn movie.  I didn’t see the second-- never got to it.  

I spent years obsessed with what they did with Slap Shot-- I spent years obsessed with sports comedies generally, and Slap Shot’s the best sports comedy there is, to me.  

So there’s no topping that for my affections, but that first Goon’s still a likable, likable movie.  

Yeaaaaaaaaah.  It very much was.  Here that is if anyone missed it before.

Thanks for recommendations like this generally though!!  Hugely amusing to get them.

It’s pretty good. It’s got a lot of good stuff in it.  

I don’t know that I loved the big twist, though.  I understand why they went that direction-- it makes sense narratively and thematically and ... The math works. It’s a very coherent choice. But just aesthetically, I was into the movie up until that point, and didn’t feel like I needed it to go that far for me to have liked it...? I liked the politics of the movie, and I get exactly why it needed to be that way.  So I respect it. And I enjoyed that whole scene of Armie Hammer laying out his plan very, very much (I’m very much on Team Armie Hammer after Free Fire, i.e. the movie only I liked).

I wished I loved it more than I respected it, is all.  But I’m really shallow-- it’s hard to imagine my favorite movie this year isn’t going to be Mission Impossible, at this point, and that movie’s not about anything half as interesting thematically (though I have a personal fascination in how Tom Cruise’s movies are all about navigating excellence)...

I liked that they randomly shit on Michel Gondry though.  That made me laugh.  I don’t even know I could articulate why I don’t like him (I remember him seeming like a dick in some comics his ex-girlfriend made, but...).  I don’t know.  Mike Mills and Spike Jonze and Joseph Kahn and a whole mess of people >>> Gondry, though, as far as the music video director generation of filmmakers go... 

Mostly I avoid those conversations, I think...  

If I’m at work, it’s not my place to argue with people I’m trying to help.  It’s a pretty inappropriate subject matter for any kinda casual chit-chat.  Politics, religion-- it’s just not appropriate conversation usually.  It comes up-- but I’m not going to sit and try to correct anybody.  You know, I just hear people out and then get on with whatever it is we’re doing.  A couple times I’ve had Republican clients (both times, all-time favorite clients) ask me why I went the other way and I sketched it out for them, but not to change their minds or anything-- just sketching how I got where I got to.  But arguing?  I would never.

You know: some clients are Trump fans; other clients are conspiracy people; a lot of folks were really affected by that Me Too.  None of them come to us to see me jump out of a cake holding sparklers screaming SOCIALISM at the top of my lungs.  

And you know-- what’s the harm of just hearing people out?  In the actual world, some good, decent folks voted for Trump.  I don’t share their analysis of the world, but... in actual life, no harm in hearing those folks out.  I don’t become impure if their words go in my earholes, or anything.  

Or a lot of people... a lot of people just have to live in the world.  Like, I know people who have jobs some internet loudmouth might go on a lecture about, but if you’re hanging out with them, you really just want to hear what life’s like from their end, if you’re curious.  You don’t want to be going “Thread!” over beers, or whatever.  People are living their lives-- they don’t need me judging them at a bar.

Girls... I still don’t even know what to fucking do and I’m goddamn old, though. I usually avoid any kinda chit-chat as a rule, because I think that’s the smart play.  But on the other hand, you really want to know as soon as possible if someone you’re interested in is also interested in, like, the poetry of Sebastian Gorka because that can dive-bomb a very nice evening into the side of a fucking mountain in minute.  I sure haven’t figured out how to thread that needle, and goddammit, I really should have by now how is it that I don’t have any of this shit figured out yet??  That’s gone wrong on me so I’m pretty spooked there, and not really a font of any great  advice.  That’s a source of some anxiety, and I live in a blue state.  (Though apparently not blue enough!)

I don’t know-- I just think it’s a rude topic, usually.  

Anyways, facts... Facts are just a weird subject right now.  Every fact you ever want to know is on your phone somewhere.  Who cares if you can remember something anymore?  It’s all on your phone. I don’t know anything anymore-- my memory’s for shit-- talking to me lately, that experience is mostly comprised of people watching me stopping mid-sentence trying to remember the name of an actor of a movie I saw some uncertain number of years ago whose title I can’t recall and my recollection of the plot is hazy and most likely incorrect.  But I got google on my phone so what does it matter?  

 But also on the internet is the opposite of that fact which someone out there believes.  Like, your friends can Actually you but what’s the source of their info?  Could be something valid-- could just be some nutcase.  And by nutcase, I’d include the New York Times under that at this point.  Their opinion section?  Useless old nutcases.  And that’s the New York Times.  So how much do facts even matter anymore???  If you could come out of 2016 thinking knowing facts mattered, after watching how they were herding opinion writers around in those e-mails... 

I mean, as a lawyer, you become very acquainted with the idea that there are two sides to just about anything, and a skilled professional can argue either side, too, so... They’ve been making fun of the Pod Save America jackasses lately on Chapo or that lady mocking Dan Pfieffer to his fucking face on his dumb podcast.  I think those Pod guys are deeply useless.  But one of the points that got made is ... They read from one of those jackass’s books about how important it is for these liberal douchebags to “know the facts better than your racist grandma” or whatever and “let’s always be the folks with facts on our side so we win arguments by being super-honorable about how factually accurate we are.”  

And as soon as I heard that I just started yelling at my car stereo, out loud in my car, like almost swerving off my road yelling out loud.  Because it’s fucking stupid bullshit.  The facts don’t fucking matter in political arguments, not if you don’t have a story around those facts that makes sense to people, and helps them explain their lives.  It’s real neat if you’re the most factually accurate loser in the history of losers-- maybe you can get ribbon for that from somebody.  But you can’t just Poindexter your way through arguments and expect more than a fucking ribbons because facts aren’t persuasion. 

You look at jackasses like those nards during that last election cycle, clinging to their little fucking slanted fact-check websites-- it didn’t fucking matter because one side was telling a story about America that made sense to people, however awful a story, however awful some of those people were, and the other side’s response to that was just saying “America’s always been great, Love trumps hate” bloopity-bloop fucking nonsense. You can’t fact-check your way out of that...

And they didn’t learn any lesson from that because the best story those Pod Save America jackasses could still come up with is “maybe people will like us more if we extra-extra-extra try hard at convincing them we’re some encyclopedia brown fucking nerds”.   

People talk about that like it’s some defect in the conversation but they’re missing the point-- people want to be ruled by people, not bloodless chart-spouting effete assholes with the best powerpoints.  There is a part of the game that’s very much about the story people tell themselves, about who they are and what they want, and I don’t think that part is necessarily a defect of the process.  The people yelling about facts thought they could avoid getting any icky politics into their policies.  But the entire exercise is political because we don’t live in some fucking computer-run technocracy.  And nor should we, so...

A lot of the internet is people who think they can avoid telling stories people want to hear if they just lecture them.  “What if instead of finding a narrative that helps people make sense of their lives and our common humanity, we just yell THREAD and link to some 50 tweet thing from some joyless prick about how white people are bad and the only good thing in the world is the tremendous laughs we got from Nanette?”  My suspicion is that’s not going to work...   

You know, I just think what's more useful generally is having some kinda ideology that lets you groups facts together and gives you a stepping stone to analyze information that comes at you.  It’s hard to imagine in the abstract though because some basic level of information is helpful to have... nobody knows every fact.  

But that said, if your facts are wrong, maybe just hear out the fact.  Maybe you have uninformed opinions?  Beats me.  Maybe your opinions should change.  

Or you want to see why they’re using that fact-- arguments have premises.  You know, how are arguments constructed?  In law school, they teach iRAC-- issue, rule, analysis, conclusion.  Here’s the issue, here’s the rule that applies to that issue, here’s a bunch of facts we apply that rule to and he’s our conclusion based on applying the rule to the facts.  So if you’re weak on facts, you can check if they’re applying the same rule to those facts that you are...  Somebody who argues unemployment statistics, the rules they’re applying are, like, “employment = good regardless of the nature of the employment” or “economic statistics meaningful reflect how people actually feel about their lives”... questionable rules! They’re applying rules that might arguably be the wrong rules, so even if you don’t know the facts about the statistics, you can look beyond the statistics... 

But I don’t know-- my gut just says, if this is time you’re spending with friends, you should just focus on enjoying being with friends.   Life’s too short. A lot of times I see these people online who are just relentlessly unpersuasive, talking about how they’re going to win over their racist Uncle finally this Thanksgiving and it just... I just gotta think there are more productive political operations in the world than that.

The “goodbye, chic”  scene is top 10 scenes of this year in TV so far, even if the rest of the episode / show wasn’t great.  I just loved that moment...

My complaint about season 1 was definitely “not enough sex, not enough murders” and then season 2 was like “what if there was a serial killer that was really angry about how horny these teens are”.  Good move! 

One episode was just the teens listening to each other having loud sex with one another in a cabin, until the mob came and murdered people who were conveniently located outside of their sex cabin...?  What????

My favorite thing about season 2 of Riverdale though was after Betty stripped off her clothes while listening to the Donnie Darko soundtrack at a motorcycle club, I went online to see people’s reactions.  And most of them were like “omg” or “girrrrrl no” but then one out of 10, maybe one out of 20, was someone going “How old is her character supposed to be i thought she was only supposed to be 12 years old.”  

I love that super-minority of people watching this entirely ludicrous scene, suddenly doing the math in their head and realizing like oh shit they should be ashamed of themselves... 

Oh, another favorite scene-- when Jughead carves an entire mass of flesh off a lady who wronged his street gang using a switchblade...?  

I thought that was pretty entertaining.  

Yeah, big thumbs up to season 2.  

#I am Pointless!

[life-with-disordered-eating-blog]

A Nagging Flatmate (not the Girlfriend)

I’m NK (En-Kay, like the two letters in the alphabet), a non-recovered individual, and I share a flat in London with my girlfriend and orthorexia. I have OCD as well as orthorexic thoughts, which result in disordered eating, an obsession with exercise and healthy food, and other obsessive-compulsive behaviours. Though I have maintained a healthy weight for a few years, all of the above is sticking around, even if it’s much less life-consuming than it used to be. I couldn’t find many blogs or resources for people with orthorexia who look healthy, so I decided to create my own.

           I don’t know how regular I will be with my updates; I will journal if I have something to talk about and if I have time to write something down. I have a busy life and don’t want to become (too) obsessive about my flatmate. I recommend you do the same and pick only one blog post, video, or podcast on eating disorders per day, as I know from experience you may be tempted to gorge yourself on this stuff 24/7.

           This blog is about sharing bits and pieces of my daily life with a partner and an eating disorder. In this space I can separate myself from orthorexia and write about all the times I want to disagree with her but can’t, and all the times I can. Think of it as a passionate rant about a very nagging flatmate.

           For you, I hope this will be a way to connect with someone who is fighting for a healthier mindset. I have been trying to achieve some piece of mind for a few years now, but my determination has been switched on and off depending on the circumstances. If you relate to any of this, then hey, welcome to the club. Tell me all about your own nagging flatmate.

           Before you go on reading, I should point out a couple of important things:

·      I’m not a health professional. Any of my comments are not to be considered advice, but opinions pertaining to my own experience. If I’m ever going to share any advice, I will make sure it comes from a professional source, which will be included.

·      I’m sarcastic. This is supposed to be a “feel good journal” for me and anybody else who feels the same way, so I’m going to be blunt, honest, and as sarcastic as it comes. Sorry, I’m not one to sugar-coat anything.

·      I do not promote any sort of eating disorder or related practices, so, if you’re looking for a pro-ana, pro-mia, or pro-bulls**t blog, I suggest you move on.

·      There won’t be any mention of numbers. No calories, grams, kilograms, minutes spent exercising, or cubic metres of oxygen inhaled will be brought up here. Please, respect that in your comments, too. I may be a bit arrogant in assuming there will be any response at all, but still.

I promise I will try to keep my posts short(er) and sweet, as I have a tendency to vomit words, no pun intended. I will end this and all future messages with one victory and one defeat in my daily cohabitation with my titular nagging flatmate (again, not the girlfriend).

Victory & Defeat of the Week

Victory: I booked an appointment with my GP. I’ve been having stress-induced constipation symptoms, but orthorexia wouldn’t approve of a visit to the doctor. Although I’m sure I take after my father, who hates (read: is scared of, but too proud to admit it) doctors and hospitals, I also believe orthorexia plays some minor part in my reluctance. I will think more on this, but I have a feeling she doesn’t like anything that might mean I’m not 100% “healthy and fine.” If you’re healthy and fine, why would you go to the doctor? Because F* you flatmate, that’s why.

Defeat: I gained a little weight last week and flipped out. I spent that day wallowing in self-deprecating thoughts, then I kept obsessing over what to do to lose weight, even if “I’m not supposed to and should know better.” Fortunately, weird as it may sound, I started experiencing fewer bowel movements a couple of days later, so I ditched my plans to eat less at once. I told myself, “This physical condition is going to make eating painful. Do you really want to make it miserable, too?” So I guess it’s a defeat for me, but a victory for constipation?

Thanks for reading. You’re welcome to comment or ask questions if you want. Have a nice life… at least until my next post.

#ed recovery #ed related #orthorexia #ocd #positivity #introduction #about me

[todokori-kun]

Here’s my proper reply :)

*hugs back* I love talking to you toooo you’re such an awesome friend *ugly tears*

Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that too. I guess the only explanation is that some part of Kaneki’s body is still human, since he IS an artificial ghoul. Though I have to wonder how Touka can be sure the kid needs human food….it seems she hasn’t told Ken or anybody else so she couldn’t have gotten advice/info about it, and though Touka’s no idiot it’s not like she’s an expert on biology.

I wonder if Ishida’s going to be like ‘lol sorry the kid’s basically full ghoul and Touka’s been poisoning it with human food in the womb’

(jk, jk, but really)

Or wait, crack theory (please don’t take this seriously, it isn’t meant to make sense):

You know those theories that Uta isn’t actually 100% ghoul (or at least not a 'normal’ ghoul)? So, what if it was Uta back in THAT chapter. I mean, he’s been trolling Ken since the first series so…

And Touka somehow found out about the whole thing and still wants to keep the kid, which is why this is happening.

Wow, it would actually be awesome if Eto adopted the kid and raised them to understand what it means to be a part of both the ghoul and human worlds! If she was planning to pass on the title of the OEK to the child but ended up growing too attached, giving them the childhood she never had and telling them that though she’s crowning them as the new 'King’ she wants them to truly live- “Bridge the gap between the two worlds, become a leader and a spark of hope for those who need it, but never lose sight of yourself and your happiness. Martyrdom doesn’t pay, you know?”- because their father, Kaneki, failed to do so and that was what ruined him.

I think the hair suits Chris Hemsworth pretty well (OTL I have sinned, forgive me Queen Luna) but it doesn’t suit Thor…? Idk. He doesn’t look like Thor anymore haha

I feel like they’ll let it grow back in later movies, though :)

I agree that their canon bond is supposed to be platonic (possibly goes deeper than that, just not in a romantic way) but the fandom can dream ^^ I actually don’t mind either way because I ship Clint with Laura (his wife) as well.

Well, not exactly. Sharon’s still a pretty minor character but I think she had a lot of potential until that romance just killed it (I mean, she doesn’t have much of a personality, but she had one pretty cool scene in Civil War (before the Notp happened) that made me like her).

Don’t you dare I need someone to ship Stoki with me, please ;-; don’t leave me alone with all this pain

I’m glad you enjoyed the comments about Kanae ^^ (sorry I’m in an evil, gloating cinnamon roll mood today)

Oh, we’re actually pretty similar then! I mean, I have a few artists I could say I’m a fan of (Lana Del Rey, Lorde, Marina, Fall Out Boy) but most of the other songs I listen to are just chosen at random from all over the place.

If you liked Still Sane, though, I recommend Lorde’s new album (Melodrama)! It’s been years and she’s finally back :) there’s a song called 'Liability’ on the album that I really relate to and also reminds me of Kaneki ;-; I’ve also been obsessed with 'Perfect Places’ and 'Sober’ for a while now.

Oh my XD reading that reminded me of one of my older MCU characters who was pretty bad: it’s been a while so I’ve forgotten most of the details, but I remember she had a cat theme (her powers were probably something like enhanced agility??? and claws??? I think?) and was this super edgy anti-hero who shouldn’t even have been allowed to work with SHIELD in the first place but you know, terrible OC logic. She’d stand on top of buildings and make angsty speeches with her impractically long hair flowing in the wind…. and of course she had this intense love-hate relationship with Loki that was just full of unnecessary drama.

(Again, I don’t really remember much about my old OCs (conveniently forgot all my worst creations haha) so I’m just guessing here ^^;; I think this is mostly the sort of cringe-worthy stuff I came up with though)

Nara sounds cute! It’s admirable that she doesn’t get discouraged and tries her best even with guys like Yuuri and Phichit around :) I’d love Kya (that’s her name, right?) also seems really cool- her powers are a nice twist on the old 'communicating with/controlling animals’ thing :D

Whew, I’m glad Tatsuo didn’t get lost ^^ I accidentally erased his 'profile’ like two or three times when I was trying to send him to you and I was getting really frustrated…was he ok?

Also I was trying to make his profile a bit 'light’ and funny but I probably failed lol

And since you said you wanted to see my suffering TG OC, I’ll send you Naomi now! :) And maybe some of my other OCs with her, because I love creating characters and end up making some for almost all the fandoms I’m in even if I have no intention of ever using them (Naomi and Tatsuo are probably going to be confined to our conversations because I have no idea how I’d use them in a fic).

Ayyyy the blog is so pretty ! ! ! <333333

Wow, first you somehow associate me with my favorite color before I ever told you that’s what it was, then I choose the character you most relate to as your icon…? This is weird but also strangely cool, if that makes sense lol

I actually learned to play Merry Go Round of Life on the piano a while ago and my teacher told me it was a waltz-like piece, so I should try to stay true to that (needless to say I failed miserably for quite a while haha). You’re right, it’d be lovely to see a couple dancing to it :)

(Why am I imagining Yumikuri waltzing to that song ;-;)

((This is my favourite hug gif of all times))

I mean, yes, Kaneki is a half ghoul, but he’s more powerful than some full ghouls, not to mention his Rc levels are as high as a ghouls. I think that getting a Kakuja also ‘helped’ him to bridge the gap between half-ghoul and more or less-ghoul. However, since it is an incomplete Kakuja.

This is all so confusing ;-;

That wouldn’t surprise, me honestly. It would make fans suffer more and what does he like more than suffering?

OH MY You’re totally right! When a healthy baby is born, with black hair and always has his kakugan activated (I don’t trust Uta’s explanation of it), Kaneki starts to doubt some things.  Not to mention, he never actually slept with Touka, so how the fuck would the kid be his?

Honestly, if Eto adopted the kiddo and gave it a beautiful childhood full of wonders and fun, somewhere away from Japan, I’d forgive Ishida everything, including (maybe) killing Hide, or, at least, if he’s not dead, keeping Hide away from us for so long.  She’s George Washington here. ‘Dreams of dying like a martyr?’ ‘Yes’ ‘Dying is easy young man/lady, living is harder’ So she encourages them to live, despite how hard it is, because the world is cruel, but also beautiful.

YES! It suits Chris, but not Thor! Which is why they should’ve given him a wig, at least =3= Oh well, all that’s left to do is wait for it to grow back. Hopefully it will.

Oh, I see. Then, it truly is a shame that the writers decided to go through with the ship of her and Steve :/

Heh. I’ll see...  Idk when I’ll watch Civil War, tho. Soon, probably

The only reason why I want to see Re animated is because of Urie and Kanae. That’s it, as long as those two get so much as 5 seconds of screen time, I’ll be happy.

Alrighty, I’ll make sure to listen to the album soon ^^

Oh wow, that’s certainly an interesting OC...  So, angsty catwoman in MCU? Sounds exactly like something I’d make, just with wolves instead of Cats (i had an unhealthy obsession with wolves (and werewolves!) when I was younger ;-;)

I recently remembered my Fairy Tail OC. You ready for it? Idk which one’s worse, this one or the FMA one ;-; A dragon slayer (which is already a very Sue trait), but she didn’t have one element. Oh no, she was the QUEEN dragon slayer, which meant she could use any element she wanted *nods head* See, that was my worst problem when making characters. I was more or less tame with looks and I tried to give them character flaws (but it usually made them endearing, whoops), yet I just had to give them powerful abilities or something.

Now that i think about it, I’m glad I never made an OC for TG. Now that would’ve been a show. Waddaya say we make the biggest, most sueish character we can think of?  Let’s see, to begin with, they would definitely have a chimera Kagune. Now, the most kagune a ghoul can poses, as far as we know, is 3, but why stop at that? The glorious character should definitely have all 4!

At one point, I stopped writing down my OC stuff. Now I’m very thankful about that, since it means I forgot most of it.

Aw, I’m glad you like the characters ^^ Honestly, as a writer, one of my first impulses when watching something is either to make an AU (for the show’s characters or for characters from other shows thrown into that situation) or to make an OC. So, Nara and Kya are one of the more recent ones.

Tatsuo is a magnificent bastard, if I’ve ever seen one. Seems like either the guy who’d immediately become my problematic fave or the character I can’t stand. Keep them coming huehuehue I definitely enjoy reading about other people’s OCs! I can’t wait to see Naomi! And feel free to send me other ones as well ^^

Thank you! I’m glad you like the new blog ^^ I wanted to change the palette to something lighter and more summer-like, so I think pastel yellow was a nice choice ^^

We are connected 

Oh, that’s so cute! I never had the will to print the sheet music out, honestly. I’m too lazy for my own good :p

Why are you giving me the feels™ :))

#evans #submission

[shesgonnachangetheworld]

Alright it’s FINALLY over, so thoughts:

yeah it wasn’t very good.  It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen by a long shot (but then I saw a Sacha Baron Cohen movie once, so), but I watched the extended edition which is apparently more coherent (and did I mention 3 hours good lord).  And it’s a shame that it wasn’t good, because it did have a lot of potential (that sure is damning with faint praise huh, it ~had potential) so I’ll go over the good things about it first

1) I thought the cast itself was pretty good.  They didn’t have a whole lot to work with in terms of range, but they did their best and that’s really all you can ask.  Laurence Fishburne was definitely having fun. I even thought Affleck and whathisfacethesocialnetwork guy weren’t bad, but I think those opinions are unpopular ones and I respect those who disagree

2) I actually thought the idea of making Luthor a sort of nouveau-riche-caffeine-addled-tech bro was....close to working.  It didn’t quite work, but it had a lot of potential, but more on that in the “bad stuff” 

3) “Batman and Superman don’t like each other because of Ideological Differences, Lex Luthor Plays Them Like a Harp, they fight until they realize That’s Stupid, and then Work Together to Stop Lex Luthor with Wonder Woman” is, in and of itself, a solid plot if you absolutely must got the “they hate each other then respect each other” route (I probably wouldn’t, but that’s going too far into “If this was a completely different movie it’d be a better movie” territory and I try to avoid that flavor of criticism)

4) I’m glad they kept the best thing about Man of Steel, aka Lois Gets to be an Actual Reporter who’s Mostly Competent (we’ll get back to that “mostly” in a bit)

5) Everyone said that Wonder Woman showing up was the best part of the movie and they were 100% right

What I’m saying is, the bones of a good movie were there!  It was possible! But it didn’t work, at least not for me, because:

1) It was already built on a shaky foundation.  Man of Steel was, similarly, not great, but the biggest problem was that it already made Superman into the broody, tortured hero (a Very Bad decision of which I could write an essay on by itself, let me tell you) so now that we have him meet Batman, who wrote the (comic) book on being broody and tortured, all we have is two tortured dudes brooding at each other, when the point of a Batman-Superman property is how they contrast, at least on the surface, which leads me to

2) the reasons they hate each other don’t make sense.  I mean, they make sense on the surface (having Bruce Wayne be there at the battle in Metropolis at the beginning was a good idea), but later Batman does the exact same thing when he leads Doomsday back to Gotham (yes they went through lengths to have Batman say that the port was abandoned, but it a) still caused a shitload of property damage, and more importantly b) still got the giant radioactive monster way closer to civilians than it should have ever been, and seeing as Batman’s a tech guy with Alfred as his tech support, there should have been more than one way to get someone to bring the spear to the island), and similarly, Superman as Clark Kent talks about how Batman “doesn’t answer to anybody” and whatever, which like....neither does Superman.  Was the hypocrisy an intentional commentary?  Was it meant to be a subtle parallel?  I doubt it, because nothing about this movie is subtle.

3) The thing about making Lois competent is that when you need her to do stupid, questionable shit, the fact that what she’s doing is stupid and questionable becomes all the more obvious

4) Lex Luthor as  nouveau-riche-caffeine-addled-tech bro would have worked better if they had made him a little less.....quirky.  I once heard someone say that it was like they originally had the joker and luthor in the movie together and then just ended up smashing them into one, which is pretty accurate.  At times he comes across as too much of a loose cannon to be That Guy Who Played The World’s Greatest Detective Like Fiddle, and tbh I have no idea what they were going for with him at the end (did the Krypton Goo make him psychic?  was he alluding to Darkseid?  I honestly couldn’t tell ya).  

But playing him as the nerd-bro-reddit-atheist-must-prove-he’s-the-smartest-in-the-room guy who grew up poor until he and his abusive father had enough money and then his father died gives him an old school lex “i worked for power and i’m jealous that you’re just born with it” motive along with with a sort of modern sensibility.  Or it could have been, if they had reigned him in a bit (I’m not sure how much of that was socialnetwork’s acting choices and how much was the direction but either way, there were too many weird choices to make a consistent character)

Also, they should have just let him be bald from the beginning, or done something else with his hair because it was just distracting how bad it was

5) there’s a scene that takes place off the Indian Ocean that’s so beautiful in colors, that it makes the fact that the rest of the movie is so bleak-looking very obvious

6) Doooooom and glooooooom; occasional moments of levity from Alfred and Perry were not enough to stop it from being so dour and, tbh pretentious.  It got a little too #fakedeep at times, especially considering that the symbolism and themes were constantly beating you over the head.  You know that SNL sketch about the girl you wish you hadn’t started a conversation with at a party?  That’s kind of the tone, but serious

Anyway, long story already long, would I recommend this movie? No What would I give it on a 1-10 scale, where 5 is average? Maybe a 4; bad, but theoretically salvageable 

#text only #bvs watching #critique from a non expert #there were quite a few political issues too but it's late as hell and tbh #that could be a paper in and of itself #alright i'm going tf to sleep soon #goodnight y'all watch good movies

[0bn0xygen]

Answer all NSFW lol

NSFW Asks1:When did you lose your virginity?The Office and chill in June of 20152: Rough sex or soft sex?Rough3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes?I like being choked/spanked but I don’t think those are very unusual4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex?On a hike at Pulpit Rock5: Favourite sex position?Doggy or cowgirl 6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive?Submissive7: Have you ever had any one night stands?Sort of8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor?Bed9: Have you ever had sex in a public place?Yes10: Have you ever been caught masturbating?No11: What does your favourite sexy underwear look like?They’re maroon and they have criss-cross lace in the back and they’re kinda sheer, they’re so cute12: How often do you have sex?Lately, not at all13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with?I can think of a few people14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?Receiving15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?My ex boyfriend and I were doin it like sideways on my bed just watching tv, nothing too intense or anything but my mom walked in (we had our shirts on and a blanket and stuff so she didn’t know) and he was literally still like inside of me16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex?Idk I don’t really listen to music during sex17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex?^^^18: Are you into dressing up for sex?I’ve never done it but I’m open to it19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower?Shower20: If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be?I shouldn’t say21: Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you?No and I probably wouldn’t, I get jealous really easily22: Do you/would you use sex toys?I don’t but I would love to23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture?All the time24: Would you have sex with your best friend?No25: Is there anything you do after sex? (for example, smoke, eat, drink)Sleep26: Something that will never fail to get you horny?Getting handsy, I just like being touched27: Early morning sex or late night sex?Both28: Favourite body part on the opposite sex?Biceps, like any sort of muscle at all and I’m swooning29: Favourite body part on the same sex?I check out other girls asses all the time 30: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find:Money, I dont have any sex toys31: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:Nothing that weird honestly32: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?]Yeah, it was like…normal tasting? Idk33: Is it ever okay to not use a condom:Totally, I hate using condoms tbh34: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience:None, that sounds messy35: Worst possible time to get horny:Movie night w your parents36: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans?YES37: How much fapping is too much fapping:No such thing38: Best sexual complement you ever got:Cant recall any right now 39: Favorite foreplay activities:Making out, hand stuff, oral, just everything leading up to sex is great 40: What do you wear to bed?t-shirt and underwear/shorts usually41: When was the first time you masturbated:When I was like 12 probably?42: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself?No, but that doesn’t mean I’ve never taken any43: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside?I think in like August44: Have/would you ever have sex in public?Yes45: Have/would you ever had a threesome?Already answered 46: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?Nothing weird really, I don’t have any toys or anything47: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not?Not really, I like to watch straight porn so I can like imagine myself in those situations I guess 48: Do you like oral sex? (why/why not)Love it49: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in?Yes please50: How would you feel about taking someones virginity?I would rather not51: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter?Probably anything spicy? Idk52: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute?Pornstar53: Do you watch porn?Yes54: Have you ever been called a freak? Why?Yeah but I’m not into super freaky stuff or anything55: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”?I do all the time 56: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair?Nah57: If you could give yourself head, would you?Probably58: Booty or Boobs?Booty59: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?)No60: If you were the other sex for a day, what are five things you would do?I can’t think of 5 things, but just see what it’s like to have a dick61: have you ever watched someone masturbate?Yes62: has anyone ever watched you masturbate?Yes63. Have you ever had an erection and someone noticed?N/A64. What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitorial, prostate)Clit mostly65. What is your bra/penis size?34C66. What is the strangest thing you have ever put up your vagina/anus?Nothing weird 67. When was the last time you masturbated?Probably over a week ago68. When was the last time you had sex?A few months69. When was the last time you watched porn?Probably over a week ago70. Have you ever bought a sex toy? If so, which one did you buy last? First sex toy? If not, which one do you plan on buying when you do?No, I wanna get a vibrator tho71. Guys:Circumsized?N/A72. Which not-genital part of your body do you like being touched?My thighs73. Which genital part of your body do you like being touched?Clit74. Girls:Are you able to achieve orgasm just through breast stimulation?No75. Have you anonymously sent a sexual ask to someone on tumblr?Yes76. When was the last time you have had a wet dream?I think like a week ago 77. Which wet dream was your favorite?One when I was dating my boyfriend 78. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with?Probably not, if I wanted to fuck them I would have by now79. Is there a celebrity/character you would willingly have sex with?Ryan Reynolds or John Krasinski80. Favorite sexual position? Doggy or cowgirl81. Do you like being called a slut or whore in bed?Yes82. Are you into any BDSM?Sure83. Have you ever wanted to have sex with someone but knew you couldnt for any reason? Why?Yes, either uninterested or in a relationship84. Do you like dirty talk?Yes85. Are you loud or quiet during sex? Masturbation?Masturbation, quiet. Sex, loud86. Have you ever been inturrepted during sex or masturbation? Who/what?My mom, my brother, both during sex but they didn’t know87. What kind of porn do you like to watch?I really like watching amateur porn, I hate when it’s scripted like I don’t need the backstory 88. Have you ever confessed to someone that you got an erection over them? What about masturbated to them?Masturbated yes 89. Have you ever masturbated because your sexual partner wasn’t there when you needed them?Yes all the time90. Have you ever had a one night stand? Do you still keep in contact with them?Sort of, and no91. Have you ever had a friends with benefits? Are they still beneficial?Not really, tried to a couple times and never worked out92. Ask whatever you wantThat’s where you chime in

[amandaleepanda]

Time to heal...

So for those keeping up with the “best friend” saga, it all came to a head last night, and I am done. I will put everything under a cut, because it’s a lot, and I’m still processing everything, so I’m probably going to ramble quite a bit. I’m also including the messages that were send back and forth, and they are a bit lengthy, so you’ve been warned.

So I’ve been kind of on the verge of trying to figure out how to handle this situation, and yesterday in therapy, my therapist and I came to the conclusion that I should tell my friend K how I feel. I wasn’t going to say anything, I was just going to hold things in, but I knew that it wasn’t fair to be upset if she didn’t know what was upsetting me (even if it is common sense). She has been acting like nothing is wrong, so I knew that I needed to be honest. I was hesitant because every time I try and talk to her about what’s bothering me, she turns it on me, gets super defensive, and then we come to an agreement that works for a while, but things go right back to normal. So I wasn’t exactly confident in talking again, but because I was still so hurt by things, I knew that for me to start to heal, I would need to be honest. 

I typed up a letter, showed my sister and cousin, and waited for a while to make sure I said what I wanted to and didn’t need to revise anything. I’m not going to post screenshots because I was having so much trouble with them, but I have them in case someone wants to call me a liar or something. 

This is what I sent to her: 

I’m not trying to start anything with you, and I know you’ve got a lot going on, but I also know that there’s never going to be a perfect time to bring this up and I don’t want it to just stew for months and months. There have been some things that have bothered me, but one really hurt me a lot, and I feel like I can’t really be upset with you if you don’t know what upset me. I know that you’ve had things going on in life, and I know that with anxiety, sometimes you isolate, I do the same thing. But even before your anxiety got bad again, I feel like you weren’t as good of a friend as you could have been. I had things going on, and it’s not like I was quiet about them, and you never reached out. I know that sometimes Facebook is hard because you don’t always go on, and sometimes statuses and things get buried, but honestly, if you reached out regularly or at least every so often, it wouldn’t matter if you didn’t see my post. I know that I haven’t reached out as much either, but that’s because of past issues. I went through a period where I realized that I needed to reach out more and put in some effort, but when I did, I felt like it wasn’t reciprocated. Like even in the group chat, I’d be engaged and trying to put in some input, but whenever I’d bring something up, it’s like you weren’t that interested. Maybe you didn’t realize you were doing it, but that’s how I felt. So, I sort of stopped reaching out because I didn’t see the point I guess? I’ve always sort of felt like you paid more attention and wanted more attention with your issues or stories than you paid to mine. It felt really unbalanced. One example is with the Allen thing when it first started. I tried to give input and I tried to engage, and even tried to offer advice. When I messaged you about Marcus, you seemed like you were trying to shut it down before it even started. You weren’t really happy for me, and just sort of blew it off and were kind of negative about it. So, I felt like things weren’t balanced. Also, when you tried talking to us about the birth control thing, when I was just trying to caution you, I felt like since I wasn’t telling you what you wanted to hear, that you were defensive about it. I know that happened a long while ago, but that’s just an example that comes to mind. So yes, I know I haven’t reached out as much recently, but that’s because I’ve kind of stopped wanting to try because it always ended up the same. Another thing that sort of bothered me, was that when I was having super bad anxiety issues and couldn’t bring myself to go to work, I feel like you were very dismissive of it, and just kept telling me to push through anyway. It’s like you weren’t being the support that I needed. But now that you’re having those anxiety issues, you want that support from me, and there is a part of me that feels like I should just tell you to push through it and dismiss it like you did to me, but I know that it doesn’t help. Which is probably why it hurt so much when you did it, only to have you expect a better reaction from me later on. But the thing that really hurt me and was kind of the back-breaking straw here, was that you didn’t say a word to me when I had to put Wubbs down. You asked what was happening when I first posted about him being sick, but after that, you didn’t really reach out. I kept updating everyone, and again, even if you didn’t see the updates, you could have messaged me to see how he was. Maybe you reacted to the post about me putting him down, I honestly can’t remember, but you didn’t message me or anything. You didn’t ask to see how I was, and I was in a bad place. That honestly hurt so badly, and I still have a lot of hurt about it, hence me writing this, because I need to try and heal. My first instinct was to give you a pass because I know you had lost your job, and I know you’re dealing with Mike, and your own anxieties and had Covid too. I get it. But you couldn’t send two words? Not “I’m sorry.” I would have taken that, but you didn’t say a word. When I was dealing with the grief of losing Grandma, I reached out to see how you were doing. I reached out about you losing your job, I reached out about Mike and checked in with you about him. But I didn’t get two words from my best friend. My aunt, who had just buried her father the week before, reached out. My two internet friends who I’ve never met before, checked in several times, and were right there for me when I had to put him down. Maybe you don’t think that it’s a big deal because he was just a pet, but to me, it was a lot, and it would have meant a lot to me to have you reach out. I understand anxiety is weird, and depression is weird, and sometimes when you have a lot going on, it’s hard to reach out, but honestly, it would have taken a few seconds to send even two words, and you didn’t. I thought that maybe you just weren’t on Facebook, but you were tagging people in things, commenting on things, and you reacted to my posts, so I know you saw them. That makes it even worse, I think. You had time to message about Greg’s lives and Aaron Carter, but you couldn’t reach out to me when I was going through something so big and so hurtful and scary. I know that I’m not perfect, and I know I’ve been a bad friend in the past, but I tried to do better, and when I was met with dismissal, or negativity, but expected to give the opposite, I got tired of it. It wasn’t fair, and honestly, it drained me. I know that I probably still could have reached out more, but after so much of the same thing, I gave up. I haven’t even really wanted to send this message because the last time I tried to tell you how I felt, I was guilted about causing you panic attacks, so I felt like I couldn’t say how I felt. Not saying that you guilted me, I honestly don’t remember if you told me that directly, or if mom told me, but I was told repeatedly. But I need to heal because it has been over a month and I still feel so hurt by it all, so I’m telling you how I feel. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, or be a jerk, but I’m so hurt, and I need you to know that so that I can start to heal.

I made sure to use “I” statements, like my therapist recommended so that I didn’t come off as completely accusatory. I tried to word it as me explaining how I feel, and wanted to open it up as a conversation. I was totally prepared for her to say, “Hey, you’ve been doing x, y, and z.” and I would apologize, like I sort of (but not really) expected she would do. I wanted to have a conversation so that we could attempt to fix this. Now I’ll be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted to fix it, because it has happened so many times before, but I knew that I had to at least try. 

This was the message that I received back from her: 

I'm hurt by a lot of things that have been done (or not done) from your side as well. Honestly, I haven't been talking to anybody. I'm not in a good spot. Haven't been for a long time. And trust me, I have tried with you so much, but I always failed. No matter what I do, it's never the right thing. I've kept how I feel to myself because I know you're struggling. Honestly, right now, I don't even know what to say in response. I don't want it to turn into a big thing, but I always end up getting long messages from you about how shitty of a friend I am. Literally out of the blue. No matter what I do. And honestly...after I found out that Mike had cancer, I didn't even talk to him for probably at least a month. I have tried so hard with you, but it's never really been enough. I have YEARS of stuff that have hurt me regarding our friendship, but I really don't see the point in pouring it all on you. Especially because I know you're struggling with your own stuff. Not to mention, you don't really know how bad it got with me. I feel like it's mainly your Mom who reaches out. Occasionally, you. And with the Marcus thing, I was terrified to see you get hurt because I hate when you're hurting. I was trying to be supportive, and help you, but without pushing you, or getting your hopes up because honestly I was already pissed at him. He was using you, and trying to take advantage of you. And I hated that. But if I told you that, then you would shut me down in an instant. You have turned your back on me SO many times growing up. But I'm not going to get into all of that. Yeah I feel bad about not reaching out more, but that's literally with everybody. All of my closest friends and all of my family. But you also don't know how bad of a place I've been in. And I've always struggled with anxiety, and other problems, but I had to push through it because no one else was going to pay my bills for me. I had to support myself completely. Hell, when I lost my last job, I HAD to find another one right away. Even if I didn't like it. Even if I'm struggling with my anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc. Along with other health issues that have come up for myself as well. I'm not a perfect friend, but I am not a bad friend. And I won't let anyone tell me I am. If you don't realize all that I've tried to do for you over the years, and you just want to think I'm a bad friend, then so be it. I can't control your thoughts.  And I won't apologize for what I've been going through. I can't apologize for that. But I tried to be there for you at the same time. I just always get shut down.

I’ll be honest, this message made me stomach sick. She KNOWS that me not working has always been something I’m insecure about, she KNOWS that I am forever grateful and at times guilty about how I was raised. For her to use those things as ammo was low as shit. I would NEVER do that to someone, especially if they were telling me that something I did hurt them. She had no right to invalidate my feelings, she had no right to basically tell me she’s not going to apologize for hurting me. She also proved my point that she only partially hears or picks and chooses what she hears when it’s from someone else. If the tables were turned, she would demand that I heard every single thing she said and groveled at her feet. But since it was about my feelings, and since I pointed out something that she literally did wrong, I’m the asshole. 

So after sitting with that for a moment, I sent her this reply:

This is why I don't message you about how I feel, because you just go on the defensive, say hurtful things that you KNOW will hurt, and refuse to acknowledge or give validity to my feelings. I wasn't trying to start anything, I was telling you how I feel, and you can't even say sorry for not reaching out to me when I put Wubbs down? You couldn't even say sorry for that? I honestly don't even know what to say, because I'm a little shocked at your response, and your blatant disregard for my feelings, and that you want to use things that I've been insecure about as a defense. That's absolutely absurd to me. I admit that I've haven't always been a good friend, and I apologize for that, I have apologized for that in the past, yet you just do what you always do, turn everything on me, and try to hurt me worse. I don't know where to go from here. And I never wanted to play "who has it worse", I never want to play that game, I was saying how I felt and how you made me feel.

To which she replied with this: 

Literally anything I say, unless it's JUST an apology, you're going to say that I'm being defensive and trying to hurt you. So I don't really know where to go from here either. And if I say anything about how you've hurt me, then I'm just "trying to hurt you" or "bringing up old stuff that I shouldn't” So oh well

She didn’t even acknowledge that she hurt me, nor did she care. She just turned it on me, like she always does. 

I replied with:

Wow. That kinda tells me all I need to know.

And she “thumbs up” reacted to that. My “best friend” of over 20 years. I never said she was a bad friend, I would have been open to a discussion, and if she would have given me a list of things that I did wrong to her, I would have apologized if they hurt her, but she didn’t. This is always how it is with her, but her coldness and lack of empathy really threw me off guard. How can someone claim that they care and that they’re the better friend, and then act like that? 

I couldn’t comprehend how someone could act like that towards someone. I don’t care what’s going on in your life, I don’t care what kind of place you’re in, you don’t EVER treat someone like that. I was there for her when I was in a bad place, and I didn’t just use my bad place as an excuse to treat her like shit. All I wanted to do was open up a conversation so we could try and fix things, and she did that. She proved my point that she doesn’t care, and that she doesn’t want to fix anything, she doesn’t want to own up to anything, she just wants to act like everything is fine like she has been for the past couple weeks, and forever before that. 

If this can be fixed, it’s going to take a LOT of work. It’s also going to have to be initiated by her because I refuse to let her think that it’s okay to treat me like that, no matter what someone is going through. I’m done at this point, and I’m going to be starting to heal from it all. 

I just needed to get this all off of my chest because it’s a lot to process, and a lot to deal with. Yes, I’m going to be talking about it in therapy, and though it sucks, I sort of feel a weight lifted off of me. I did what I could do.

#the anxious trash speaks #friendship

[gorduuu]

loneliness

he was there. By himself, kept saying to himself that was his choice, his isolation was condicioned by the willingness to be alone, said that he couldn't identify himself with nobody, and that no one would understand his thoughts. He projected his emorions into the personality of others, just to create a excuse to not talk to them, he wasn't self aware, he couldn't be, he had no experience of the path of self knowledge, people criticized that on his face, he tried to change, but, as he expected, people don't change, maybe that negative thought prevented him to change; wasn't his fault neither, he was raised in a very protective enviroment, that never had him to develop a personality and self thought until he started learning things for himself, to manipulate hard ocasions, even though the hardest it would get didn't really matter, since he wouldn't suffer any backlash, hence increasing the boy's god-complexed, infant and careless personality. Personality which he carried even after his self-aware awakeness, he knew the importance of changing over time, rather than abruptely, he only didn't know that people don't change, only appearances.

so he did end up alone. In his room, masturbating, crying, dancing, cutting, writing, gaming, doing whatever he could to hide his sadness, even though everything he did was a cry for help, his body hated him, his appearance was deplorable, his conversations limited themselves to one or two replies, because he couldn't care enough to talk to anyone (even though he used that as a argument to the "i chose to be alone" point), his works were becoming a lot more inconsistent in means of schedule and quality, it was noticeable, too noticeable, his sleep schedule was even more inconsistenr than his emotional state or the times that he was putting himself on a pedestal, as he would do in public, to avoid getting hurt or using self deprecation that no one cared about, his refferences were becoming as obscure was they could get. He wasn't fine, he'd only admit it to one person, and crypted that message to whoever followed him on social media, even though nobody cared anymore. "You will never be 100%", he knew that, he knew that he was mentally unstable by interacting to other people, and never he could be fine again, "is 80% okay?", he did think that as he made some poor life decision that led him to the worst time of his life, he wasn't protected anymore, this was real, blood left his throat, temporaly vision empaired, everything that led to his choice of being alone.

But he had a life, had friends, had family, couldn't abandon all that because he was low, if he did, the consequences for them would be extreme, probably prison, and, since he thought that much of himself, suicides and drug issues. there was anything that he could relate anymore in this world, he lived by the things that the others recommend him, he liked a lot of them, he disliked some, like a normal human being, but with a single twist: his own personal taste was dispised by most, not even his close ones could enjoy what he really liked, what made him become more lonely, nobody were to blame, he understood that, yet, he blamed humanity for not liking and producing more of what he liked; "Thank god fot his god complex" was a thing that no one on their right minds would say, which isolated him even more, at the point that he was living in his own little niech bubble, and, in case he interacted with people outside, he would be analised as strange, peculiar, rather weird, but smart in a kinda way that i can't explain, because it doesn't make any sense to me, to hear those words that come out of that ignorant little mouth of his.

Interestingly enough, in all of his period of loneliness, he was either with really close friends that knew way too much about him, and of he knew too much about, or with a girlfriend that knew a tad more than his close friends, but never was introduced to them. and so he was alone because of him, bringing the fault to himself, to protect the others from his instability, that alone is enough to destroy a man, and so it did, and with more stuff to cover, it becomes less friends, untill he was really alone, couldn't talk to anybody, drained out of his forces, it was like he was atlas and he was holding nix from colapsing into the earth, nix being his insecurities, his abnegations, his collection of sorrow, everything bad, and the earth being everything that he deemed worthy. All that without the responsability of paying the rent, having to work, having responsabilities, he could only imagine what a hot mess he would be, even though everyone around projected that he would be really succesful, like everyone around him. The thing is, he only thought of killing himself after finishing studying.

-ActuallyYou, this is not over

Link: https://unequalmemes.wordpress.com/2017/01/07/loneliness

#sad #alone #text #blog #loneliness #depression #responsabilities