#unfortunately the executives are dysfunctioning in my brain so this will likely be the only bit of writing you’ll get out of me for now

[patchworkspringlocks]

Ok so tales from the pizzaplex epilogues rewrite feat. guest star michael afton

As I said before michael gets woken up in the sinkhole’d remains of the pizza place after glitchtrap takes over the RF’s mind (trust me I Will get to him. someday)

His instinctual reaction is one you’d expect from this development, that being “god-fucking-dammit not this shit again,” way to ruin his eternal afterlife vacation again william >:(

Patchwork/Dave has moved onto bigger and more outlandish endeavors, namely continuing to chase william around and into the digital world, also to escape the nightmarish ever-looping purgatory that is UCN (in my continuity), also also somehow find Cassidy and convince him to set the other spirits free and let them move on

So Patchwork is MIA by the time michael wakes back up which sucks bc it sure would be nice to have a tall strong powerful springlock animatronic guard dog against this thing that really, really wants to separate his head and arms from his body like an unruly kid with a grudge against one barbie doll in particular

(Sidenote: no the mimic in this continuity is not afton, it’s just a robot, although if word ever got out about this thing and what it’s capable of a certain digital rabbit mascot would be very curious indeed)

Michael spends some quality time with the mimic :) ..and by that I mean now he’s the one running around like a rat in a maze as the sole target of fnaf’s version of the terminator, but luckily he’s got loads of experience with defensive measures against murderous animatronics that the mimic doesn’t let him get away with twice, it was meant to learn and adapt along with mimic, after all

Michael’s even more worse-for-wear than ever before and looking even more like a charred corpse, taking what stitching he can grab and suture up on the run, but to the mimic’s algorithm’s surprise he seems neither scared nor particularly angry, to michael this thing is just an obstacle in the way of his actual goal so at first he’s dead-eyed and mildly perturbed at best and frustrated at worst, at least when it’s just him and this robot

To be honest I haven’t actually read the epilogues themselves just the summaries on the wiki so idk all the teens’ exact personalities (other than “stupid dumb idiot horror movie victims”), but I definitely want to keep Hope’s and Adrian’s deaths the same bc the aftermaths for both were surprisingly intriguing to me as character work, at least as far as fnaf novel characters are concerned

The first time they interact one of them mistakes michael for a corpse before he accidentally jumpscares them, while claiming his rotting dead look is a mix between actual injuries from the mimic and a disguise to let him “play dead” and hide from “it”

He tells them right away to just gtfo but of course horror’s gonna horror so they’re all trapped there until morning as michael now has to formulate a plan for not only him to survive but also these dumbass kids who don’t want to listen when he says all their lives are literally in grave danger down there

As a ghost his overall personality is diminished and condensed into a more streamlined cognitive structure mainly consisting of self-sustainability and whatever thought was so strong and prevalent at the moment of death it halfway brings them back to carry that out, so while he is concerned with their safety bc it’s michael, to an outsider it looks very much like low empathy/sympathy and a large amount of selfishness compared to still-living humans, and the teens aren’t at all sure if they can trust this zombie-looking guy at all, until they start getting picked off by the mimic of course

I’m taking out the stupid bit with the fan that boy can die in a different way, I know y’all are freshly-traumatized panicked teenagers running solely on carnival food and adrenaline by this point but seriously c’mon man

It would admittedly be very cool (if tragic) to see the mimic copy one of michael’s former tricks he tried to use against it in order to kill one of the teens tbh

At least one death I’m certain will be the result of a catch-22 scenario against the mimic where michael ultimately has to let the kid die despite their friends’ protests, and while he masks it with the only emotion he can really feel by this point michael is noticeably shaken by this behind the anger, the mimic unknowingly harkening back to his brother’s fatal injury

The mimic would get a similar sensation to completing an assigned objective if it knew that legitimately pissed him off

Something something they blame michael something something the remaining gang splits up and one more person dies, either the focus character or more get cornered and michael comes in and saves their asses at the expense of one of his arms getting halfway torn off, though he actually manages to (very briefly) short-circuit the mimic’s sensors and processor by virtue of having neither blood nor bones and remarkably resembling a hollow animatronic costume

His good arm is now practically useless except maybe as a bludgeon perhaps, as he doesn’t want to let the two remaining teens out of his sight but also doesn’t want them to be too freaked out about his current state to trust him anymore as he wraps up any remaining bandages around his shoulder as a temporary fix but at least those who remain now know for certain he’s on their side and does want them out alive and safe

Idk how this will end since the epilogues aren’t finished yet, maybe there’s only one kid left by the end or maybe it’s just michael I’m not sure but at least he will ultimately get revenge for his arm, at the end though I do know there’ll be the return of a certain rather protective animatronic, all new and improved and ready for his revamped Glamrock introduction, as well as some kind of lead-in to my Security Breach rewrite proper (somehow)

#i’ve thought far too much about this actually #unfortunately the executives are dysfunctioning in my brain so this will likely be the only bit of writing you’ll get out of me for now #even though i would very much like to put all this and the rest of the timeline down in a readable and entertaining format #five nights at freddy's #fnaf #fnaf fandom #michael afton #the mimic #fnaf mimic #canon timeline #tales from the pizzaplex #tftpp #metaposting #springs moving mechanical jaws

[bumblequinn]

hi @sourpatchsquids! thank you for your question.

as an artist with ADHD, i know this struggle very well. unfortunately offering advice on this kind of thing can be tricky, because what works for me may not work for you (and vice versa!). nonetheless, i can try; take whatever works for you, forget the rest, or reshape any part of it as you see fit. :)

but before i offer any actual tools, i have one caveat. i want you to take a moment to reflect and consider if you should be:

changing expectations

the timing of this question seems fated, because just the other day i had a therapy session wherein i expressed my grief and frustration over struggling to work lately due to my seasonal depression. it's not fair that i'm struggling just because it got a little darker outside! i just want the spark i had in the summer! i was so much more consistent!

my therapist's response: nothing about human beings is consistent. we get sick, we get tired, we get hungry and thirsty (and thirsty) and sad and lonely and restless and stressed and overwhelmed. this all gets amplified for folks who are atypical in some way or another.

when my therapist compared our seasonal cycles to those of plants and other animals, who wilt and slow down and hibernate, i protested aloud that i wanted to be a perennial instead. at this she said: even perennials change with the seasons. rose bushes have to be pruned, sometimes down to half their height! it was a dose of perspective i didn't particularly want, but really needed.

so when you're struggling to work through executive dysfunction, burnout, or brain fog, it can help to first check in with yourself about a few things. what do you have the capacity for right now? do you need any accommodation? and if so, what changes you might make to accommodate yourself?

with practice and self reflection, i've learned a handful of specific routines that help me when i'm struggling with creative work, which i'll detail next. note that while your question is specifically about music and i am specifically a musician, i believe that all of these suggestions can apply to most any form of digital creative work.

with that in mind:

#1: work slower

when i'm at the top of my game, i can get a LOT done in a day. but when i'm depressed, fatigued, or distracted, i just can't go full steam. sometimes i'll try to convince myself that i can if i just push harder, but what actually ends up happening is that i'm just fiddling with settings and going in circles rather than moving forward.

instead of that, when i want to work a lot but can't, i try to work slow. how slow? however slow i need to. take four hours to figure out the melody for a single verse. take all day to figure out that drum groove. yeah, i take a lot of breaks in between. who says i have to be my Absolute Most Productive Every Day Or Else? that's the puritan work ethic talking. kill it. be kind to yourself.

i'm reminded of advice i once read about some super successful and prolific author (gaiman? king? pratchett?) who said they wrote only four hundred words every weekday. that's already less than the word count of this post, and i'm only—[travels into the future to check my final word count]... 22.8% of the way through writing it!

now, i don't think i could function that way, because ADHD means some days i'm hyperfocused like crazy, and other days i just have no steam at all (more on that in #4-6). but it seems to me that if even someone highly respected in their profession can achieve what they have with only a little bit of work on a regular basis, maybe i don't have to punish myself for not pumping out a finished work every single week.

doing less work per day means you're much less likely to burn out, which does a lot for working more consistently. if that consistency still doesn't look like a five-day work week, that's okay! as long as it helps you work even a little more often when you want to, it's something worth doing.

however, if you're still feeling truly stuck, all hope isn't lost. you can still try:

#2: switch projects

sometimes the reason i'm moving slow is because of a bad brain day, but sometimes the reason is that i just cannot muster the motivation to do the specific task i'm trying to do right now. ADHD is fueled by novelty and interest, and if i'm not interested in what i'm doing, or it's feeling stale, that's a sign that i need to switch gears.

this is why first it's helpful for me to have more than one project going at a time. this might mean completely unrelated works, or it might just mean related tracks as with the music for a game like SLARPG or susan taxpayer.

the idea here is not to start a dozen different projects and bounce around them like i'm playing whac-a-mole—though i have done that. (i don't recommend it.) the idea here is to have a manageable number of different projects i can be working on so that if i get bored or stuck on something, i have fallback options.

what that number of projects is depends entirely on the week. maybe right now it's two, maybe another time it's three. i would probably be getting carried away if i tried more than that, but that's just my own limit. maybe yours is different. that's something for you to think about.

but it doesn't have to stop there.

#3: switch focus

maybe there is this one project that i just HAVE to work on, but the task i'm trying to do at this stage just isn't coming to me. okay, well, why don't i try working on a different task?

let's say i can't figure out what i want to do with the melody in one part of the song:

what if i try jumping ahead to a different part of the melody? ...no, i'm stumped on melodies today. okay, how about working on the drums instead? ...hmm no, i think i'm just completely tapped out on writing parts right now. alright, what if i organized my tracks, making sure they're all grouped and named in a way that i can work with easily? what if i did a rough volume balance for the mix?

and so on. if that's not enough to shake the off stuckness, i might consider: what can i do to make this project more interesting to me?

what happens if i try using an instrument or effect that i almost never reach for? what if i try sampling something obscure? what if i bang out the drums using my midi keyboard instead of drawing it in on the piano roll?

any approach that breaks me out of my usual habits is bound to get that feeling of novelty and fun back when i need it.

or maybe i can't do any of that right now, and so i take the time to answer a question from a fellow musician instead. i consider that part of my work, too, in a broader sense. check in with yourself and figure out what you can do right now. the rest will still be there later.

but okay, let's say you try switching gears, and switching again, and again, and nothing is moving. you try new approaches, but that wall of awful is insurmountable in this moment. it happens! the next thing you might try is:

#4: learn something new

when you aren't able to make progress on your projects, you can still make progress on your knowledge and craft. i often find this stokes a flame of inspiration in me where there wasn't one before. and even when it doesn't, it still gets my brain out of that feeling of stuckness and dread and into one of thought and action. learning also benefits in the long term because it adds to the well of knowledge from which you draw for all your future works.

for all the awfulness that exists on the internet, it remains an absolute treasure trove of teaching. there's an endless ocean of videos, blog posts, and articles from which you might learn something about your craft. (and if you sail the seven seas, plenty of book PDFs as well. 🦜🏴‍☠️)

it's true that the quality and depth of information out there can vary wildly, but in my experience most resources get at least some things right. and the more you research, practice, and figure out what works for you, the better you will learn to differentiate between the advice worth keeping, and the advice to forget. (that goes for all of what i'm saying here, too!)

that said, since our shared focus is music, a few resources i would highly recommend are:

music theory and composition music matters, 12tone, charles cornell, music with myles, 8-bit music theory, and this introduction by andrew huang

mixing and production dan worrall (especially this series for fabfilter), kush after hours, red means recording, andrew huang, alice yalcin efe, in the mix

general inspiration nahre sol, ben levin, david hilowitz, game score fanfare, posy, jerobeam fenderson, open reel ensemble, and ELECTRONICOS FANTASTICOS!

(if any readers have their own helpful resources for creating music or any other media, feel free to share in the replies & reblogs! 💓)

of course, on an especially bad day, it might be a challenge to seek out information, let alone retain it. that can feel pretty bad, but remember: be kind to yourself. the next thing you might consider trying is:

#5: consume art you love

not just music. books. shows. movies. games. illustration. animation. whatever moves and inspires you.

but do it intentionally. don't just pull up some random thing the algorithm suggested! check in with yourself about what you want (or are able) to engage with right now. choose accordingly. if you get a little way into it and realize it's not scratching that itch, hit the bricks. check in with yourself again. wash, rinse, repeat, until you find whatever it is that speaks to you right now.

and do it actively, if you can. don't just let it go in one eye and out the other! really pay attention to the work. what do you like about it? what are its themes and motifs? what makes it work so well? what are its flaws, and how much do they matter? what might you do differently? you can write notes as you do this if it helps, but even simply noticing and thinking goes a long way.

what you don't want to do is come at this with a lens of shame or envy. you're not here just to say to yourself, "ugh, if only i could do THAT." it's okay if it happens. use that thought as a springboard for curiosity: "well okay, how DID they do that? do i have the resources for it? if so, how could i apply that to my own work? if not, how can i adapt it, or what do i need to learn?" keep your mind open and approach the work with a sense of wonder.

as a creative person, it's very easy to think, "i should be making something right now, not watching a movie!" but that thought forgets something vital: your art is a response in a conversation. of course the "language" you use is your own, and maybe if you're lucky you'll invent a new word. but most of the words you use have been around long before you were born. you're just one voice in a dialogue that spans continents and generations, and that's okay. it's even the whole point.

none of us is an island. we are profoundly social animals. just as we can't live without eating, we can't make without learning. so half of making art is consuming it. consider this part of the process as well.

and finally,

#6: rest, and live your life

let's say you're in really dire straits. you've tried working slower. you tried changing focus, you tried changing projects. you want to take in new information or actively engage with your favorite art, but you're not in the headspace for it. what now?

take a nap. take a walk. take a shower. eat a nice meal, or an okay one. talk to a friend. maybe even do that chore you've been putting off (you know the one).

it's human to always crave making, but you're not a machine—and even if you were, machines need regular maintenance, too! you wouldn't drive a car that's completely out of gas, and you won't do yourself any favors treating your body that way either.

i know that when you take a break it feels as though you're not accomplishing anything, but you are: you're taking care of your animal self. and while you do that, your creative brain doesn't stop working! much like windows, it has countless background processes running at any given moment, with inscrutable names like "cbdhsvc_692da" or "Microsoft Edge Update Service." it's true, i checked.

when you're stuck on a project and you step away to rest, your brain is still chipping away at your ideas unconsciously. i like to tell people, "it's percolating." much like waiting for a pot of water to boil, that idea is still heating up, even when you take a step away. just be sure to check in on it once in a while. the time will pass, and it'll be boiling again before long. :)

before i go, i'll leave you with one last thing to keep in mind as you try all of these strategies:

be kind to yourself.

being human is just about one of the hardest things you can do. let alone being a human trying to survive capitalism while living with disabilities! the last thing you need on top of that is to overwork yourself, talk to yourself negatively, or treat yourself harshly. there are plenty of other people in the world who do that to you—don't be one of them.

i'm not saying that you shouldn't try to challenge yourself, to test your limits and go above and beyond your ambitions, if that's what you want to do. just remember that hard work and self compassion are not mutually exclusive. so be careful not to bully yourself. take pride in the progress you make, even when it seems small. encourage yourself like you would a friend who's going through a hard time. and when you challenge yourself, be your own cheerleader.

i hope you find this advice helpful! remember, this is just what helps me, so don't feel like you have to follow any of it exactly. maybe taking time to learn new information helps break you out of your rut more than working slowly, so you reach for that tool first. maybe having multiple projects going at once is too distracting for you, so you prefer to stick to one at a time. whatever your needs are, feel free to alter and adapt these ideas to fit you.

thank you for reading, and i wish you the best of luck in your creating.

with care, bee 🐦

#adhd #advice #asks #from #sourpatchsquids

[sojourner-between-worlds]

Things about being a Christian I've had to unlearn as an adult:

Spending a lot of time on/ being invested in something doesn't make it an idol. This is not how that works, bestie. Look. I get that the advice "if you spend more time on x hobby than you do reading the Bible and praying" is well-intentioned, but it's just plain Bad. There are a lot of hobbies that take significant amounts of time. Art. Writing. Trade hobbies, like woodworking. I spent two hours Saturday putting in a garden (now that I have space for one!), and not spending two hours and one minute on Bible reading doesn't mean that gardening is now an idol for me. It means I got into a groove and just kept going (and got terribly sunburned for my trouble). What makes something an idol is NOT how much time you spend on it but rather the importance you place upon it. Sometimes important things take five minutes and sometimes they take an hour; the thing that took five minutes isn't less important because it took up less of your time. If your thought process is "this is more important than spending time with God", that is what makes your hobby an idol. (If you are constantly foregoing your time with God in favor of a hobby, then I'd say you need to re-evaluate your priorities, but spending a lot of time on something does not inherently make it an idol. Not to mention that a lot of hobbies can still bring you closer to God despite not spending that time intentionally for that purpose.)

Not having your "quiet time"/ devotions every day does not make you a "bad" Christian. This goes hand-in-hand with the previous point, and there's a lot I could say on this topic, but what it boils down to is this: God understands our human limits and the brains He gave us that sometimes make it difficult -- autism and ADHD and OCD and [fill in the blank]. I'm autistic. So when (well-meaning) people say things like, "you can't get to know God if you don't spend time with Him!" about praying and reading the Bible -- well, 'spending time' looks different for me. Socializing is difficult for me. And while socializing with God is obviously different than with people, praying is still far more mentally draining for me than for most people (especially growing up in an environment where it was implied that you have to 'say the right things' when you pray instead of just allowing it to be a conversation, but that's the next point). A lot of "socializing" for me is simply being present with someone else. This is called "parallel play": you're doing your own thing in the same space as someone else while they are also doing their own thing. This...doesn't translate well to Christianity and what Christianity is "supposed" to look like, unfortunately, so I constantly felt shame that none of the common advice worked for me when it seemed to work for everyone else. Set a time? Executive dysfunction makes switching tasks hard and once that set time has passed, "well, it's too late now". Having a reading plan? I'd miss a day, fall behind, and the shame at that would keep me from continuing to try. And when I did manage to stay on track, quite often it simply became a box to check off and that was it. So, now, I do what I can, when I can. I always get more out of it, and I think God cares more about that than sticking to a plan just so you can say you read every day anyway.

"Don't script your prayers! They'll become repetitive and you won't think about or mean them!" Oh, boy. Once again, I get the well-intentioned meaning here. You don't want your prayers to become rote and stale. But as someone with high anxiety, scripting them is the only way I can survive praying aloud with other people, and, in fact, it means I put more thought into them, not less! But hearing this kind of advice coupled with an environment where it was implied you had to say 'the right things, the right way' was absolutely detrimental to my prayer life growing up. I was always worried about saying the wrong thing, especially as an undiagnosed autistic who was constantly, ya know, saying the wrong things in conversations with people. So I definitely didn't want to say the wrong things to God! But... I also wasn't allowed to plan what to say? How was I supposed to pray then? So I just. didn't pray. For a very long time. Until I learned its just as perfectly okay to talk to God about whatever crosses your mind while you're standing at the sink doing dishes as it is sitting down with a list of things to focus on. (Not to mention that this really is just...terrible advice in general. Kudos to my pastor, who, in his current Sunday night series on worship, actually gave a tutorial on how to personalize praying the Psalms. So, you know, pre-written prayers.)

Purity Culture. Need I say more? Oh, I could write a whole post about how harmful this is, but plenty of people already have, so I'll leave it at this: I wear what I am comfortable wearing now. Something I love about my church is that our philosophy on modesty is this: The greatest sin of immodesty is saying "look at me" instead of "look at God." In other words, modest isn't about what you're wearing so much as what your attitude about what you're wearing is. If you choose what to wear because you want people to notice and stare and give you compliments, then that is immodest no matter how much of your skin is covered up. It's not immodest to wear clothes you like and that you think are attractive (or that help you look professional when its called for), but ultimately your mindset is really not about "dressing to impress." (There is a very thin line between 'modest' and 'immodest' and its not where most people think it is.)

#christianity #autistic christian #autism #autistic #(adding those tags because some of these things really are autism-specific or at least related) #i'm sure there are more than these but these are the ones i've been thinking about recently for whatever reason #feel free to add on your own things if you like #long post

[copperbadge]

Sam - You probably already know this, but I just heard that Adderall is now on back-order nationwide (even worse than it had been before). If you can start trying to re-order it well before you run out this time, I'd recommend it. I don't know if that's possible, though...

Unfortunately -- but also fortunately! -- it’s not possible. Because it’s a controlled substance that can both be abused by the patient and sold for a reasonable profit, it’s got very firm regulations. You get one scrip for a 30 day supply (you can’t have more) and then on day 30 you can file a whole new scrip (no refills!) for your next 30 day supply. This is a bit bullshit because there’s no real reason not to give someone who has a history of regular non-abuse a 90 day supply or two refills, but it’s legal meth, so you know, I see why the bullshit is in place. 

So it’s Bad, obviously, because it means I can’t get a refill now while there might be some still in stock; my 30-day deadline is next Friday and there’s no moving that. So that’s me fucked a bit. However, this is also Good, because it means nobody else can do this either -- you can’t create artificial demand when it comes to Adderall, because nobody can buy out the entire stock or take more than their share. So while it would be much more ideal if I had renewed my scrip last week, the demand will only rise as much as the immediate action of people who are normally slow to fill their scrips, which I can’t imagine is a lot. Like yes we all have executive dysfunction but I think a lot of us have a real laser focus on the Good Brain Drug, you know? 

The real problem is an uneven backstock. Some pharmacies will probably have a reasonable amount, others will be out for weeks.  The pharmacy I use is a perpetually-empty Walgreens that nobody ever goes into or uses because nobody lives near it (I work near it) so I might get lucky. 

Usually, so far, the protocol for me has been "every 30 days have a consult with my psychiatrist, he puts in a new scrip, they fill it". This time, OF COURSE this time, we're trying something new -- he wrote two scrips at once, one got filled, the other one gets submitted by me on the 30 day mark. So I’ll call the pharmacy on Monday and be like “I’m not freaking out about the shortage, I just need to know when I should submit a scrip that can’t be filled until Friday” but hopefully I’ll also get some info on the shortage. 

And if I can’t get any immediately, well, I take frequent breaks and often don’t take my second dose, so I did the math in my tracking sheet and I have enough to see me halfway into November, especially if I don’t take any on weekends. I don’t love breaking into my personal backstock, but that’s why it exists, after all. This is a much bigger deal for people who really need the drug for basic function -- people on higher doses are going to be significantly more fucked. 

I may ask my psych next time I see him if I could get on a 20mg scrip so I can split the tabs and make a 30 day supply last 60 days; I don’t think it’s normally something he’d approve of but with the shortage it might be the best way to secure a reasonably-sized emergency stash. 

And I think all of this -- the spreading of the news, the counting of backstock pills, the strategies to stabilize one’s personal supply -- are really fascinating evidence of how treating non-addicts like addicts...makes them behave like addicts. If half the population of Adderall patients had a 90 day supply in hand, this shortage wouldn’t be such an issue. 

#adderall #sam has adhd #drug use

[big-boah]

Autistic Thing of the day:

Autistic Catatonia 😵

I made a TikTok on this too with the same info (link here!)

I wanted to talk about autistic catatonia, which isn’t something I’d heard about until I researched it on my own. When I brought it up to my doctor, she said it made perfect sense.

Autistic catatonia affects, at minimum, about ten percent of autistic people. And the best way I can describe it is “getting stuck.”

I’ve dealt with this my entire life, I plan to do something, or respond to someone, and my mind goes blank and I just can’t move. If I fight it, my anxiety goes through the roof. I can’t talk or respond, only maybe stim a little or communicate using eye contact or eye gaze. For me, it can last anywhere from a few seconds to several hours.

Unfortunately, my bodily functions still continue when I’m stuck, so I have to be guided to the bathroom, need help in the shower, and kept out of harm’s way. My partner and I both have ADHD and have a similar thing happen but can still kind of move even if it's difficult, but that’s more executive dysfunction.

This is also a little different than derealization and depersonalization in that most people still feel entirely like themselves when these episodes happen, your inside mentality is the same. I can carry on commentary in my head during these episodes and I feel like I'm myself, just stuck.

Being catatonic is almost like every cell in my body is frozen in time. I know what’s going on around me, but my brain just can’t make that connection and that spark of purposeful movement doesn’t make it outside of my own mind. I wish there was a better way to explain it.

A lot of autistic people experience this differently. Some people have this and believe it's a shutdown (which is a little different because in shutdowns usually you can communicate.)

People with mild catatonia may feel like they've "gone nonverbal" and also feel physically stuck, although others can assist you to move if needed.

A lot of people have this experience when they're frightened of experiencing high levels of overstimulation. I've always said it's like my brain pressed pause on my life, because I wouldn't.

If you know someone who goes through something like this, make sure they stay safe, hydrated, and make sure to check in on them even if they don't respond. I like when my partner acts like nothing’s up, he will just hang out with me there. Some people like touch when they get stuck while others don’t. This can happen no matter what your support need level is in general. This actually happens often enough where it increases my support need level, I need to be supervised anyway. 😅

Once I realized this was a feature of my autism, I was able to come up with a plan with my loved ones because it happens about 2-3 times a week. Ever since I started taking ADHD meds it happens less, and research has found that benzo medications can actually prevent this from happening and help the episodes. Research needs to catch up to the rest of us on this one!

But if you experience this or periods of hyperactivity where you also feel like you can't interact with others on your own command, it may be autistic catatonia.

Hopefully this helps someone! 🤟🏻

#actually autistic #autism #autistic catatonia #catatonia #neurodivergent #adhd #audhd #ptsd #autistic thing of the day #dan.posts #autistic #autism things #autistic adult #high support needs #actually disabled

[kingprinceleo]

I cannot reply to things so making ANOTHER ask (Haha! I am in your inbox!) There are some fun hobbies that require little to no skill, such as book reading, birdwatching, walks outside, or like. I walk up and down the stairs in my house sometimes if I'm bored. Of course, I get the rut you're in. EVERYTHING seems hard, also I will destroy your executive dysfunction for you. Maybe if you're walking you can go for a simple goal? Like walk to This Building, count Five Daffodil plants, see Two Robins. OH OH and I find when I think about something too much it becomes IMPOSSIBLE to do. I will literally just Do Things before my brain has a chance to be a whiny bitch. If there's a library near you take out some non-fiction fact books. I EAT those bad boys up and it always gets my brain thinking about something else instead of the Hard Task at hand. That way I feel more refreshed, since I wasn't droning on it! Of course this is just for me, I hope there's someone out there with the advice you need!

Welcome to my inbox!!! I have set up a table with snacks and juice

Unfortunately the biggest problem is!!!! I . Can't leave my house. I don't have a car and I'm not allowed to walk anywhere. The only source of anything for me is in my room basically, and I don't have money to spend on enrichment for my enclosure (and I don't really, enjoy reading novels n stuff)

And I hate asking for things!!! The most I could do is sit outside in the backyard watching the birds, but now our stinky kitty meow meow tries to menace them so they don't come around as often >:( but he's cute so I'll let it slide

#My ma named him Simba #He is the very opposite of majestic he's dumb as hell /affectionate

[tittyinfinity]

random adhd stuff

two brand new experiences since taking adhd meds:

doing something even though I really don't want to do it. It makes me feel annoyed the entire time, but I'm still doing it. I usually can't physically can't get myself to do things that I don't want to do (or even things I DO want to do for that matter). So unfortunately it now makes sense to me as to why people assume that I'm just lazy; they assume that everyone has the ability to push past that wall. I'll be talking about this to a lot of my family members. I honestly think this will put a lot into perspective for them

being WAY MORE annoyed by my chronic pain, because I have the motivation and executive function to do something, but I'm hurting too fuckin bad to do it.

On that note, the meds don't work nearly as much as when I'm able to take my pain medication with them, because the brain fog from the pain can't be completely lifted by meds that don't give you pain relief.

When I have both the pain medication and adhd medication I can take less of my pain meds because I'm up moving around more and not fucking my body up by being stuck in bed. Which is EXACTLY what I told my doctor would happen. There were times I was taking my pain medication when I didn't need it literally only because they alone also kinda help with my executive dysfunction and focus. I don't have to do that if I have adhd meds

It makes sense because it feels like two different types of brain fog. When I take one or the other, it's like they fix different parts of my brain in the same way

#.bdo

[tka-trashfire]

I’m actually on break-of-sorts! There’s extra free time in my days, and I can do what I want with it! (Even better—after a couple days spent zombie-ing in front of a video game and tv shows—my brain even kinda wants to do things. How refreshing flsdafjsa;)

So! A fic author interview, which the lovely @lynne-monstr tagged me in half an age ago. :D

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

327, apparently. God knows how many have been let loose to swim in the sweetly-orphaned seas.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

863,428.

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

How Impolite, How Imprudent (The Walking Dead, Beth/Daryl) - 1,108 kudos.

Stripped (Death Note, Near/Mello) - 720 kudos.

let’s embrace the point of no return (Guardian, Shen Wei/Zhao Yunlan) - 669 kudos.

Hoping's Free (The Walking Dead, Beth/Daryl/Rick) - 639 kudos.

The Married Ones (BBC Sherlock, Sherlock/Watson) - 625 kudos.

Mostly this is just… happening to write for popular ships sometimes, I think, rather than any reflection on the actual stories themselves.

Although, The Walking Dead ones were very much just posted at exactly the right point in time—AKA right when the folks who were gonna be reading Beth-centric stories were turning up to find it…and when there really weren’t many. I remember finding it really fun to write for that ship, in no small amount because it felt exactly like writing for my usual rarer pair stuff… but with bonus readers. XD

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always plan to. They make me so happy! Unfortunately, my brain makes replying to comments a whole lot more complicated than it actually is… meaning I put it aside for when I’ll have the energy/capacity… and then my executive dysfunction sneaks in and eats my good intentions for breakfast. ;;

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I don’t really write angsty endings very often. I guess… against the world? Probably? That’s pretty miserable through-and-through, and is definitely lacking my usually compulsive need to find a happy note to end on.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

…everything? XD

Honestly, my first thought was to crib off Lynne’s answer and say a story that goes real sad before it gets happy. But… that just makes me want to say my Reunion Dinner GaoQiao break-up fic (In the space of your leaving), except… I haven’t actually posted the final chapters for that yet. Meaning it’s happy ending is currently hypothetical, and it’s therefore disqualified from this category. 😂

In which case, I guess… maybe Hoping's Free, actually. I wouldn’t have thought of it, except that I was doing the sort-by-kudos thing, which made me look at it again. But it’s probably a better answer for this than my usual fluff, if only because it was written in this almost grimly hopeful tone that was very intentionally at odds with the canon I was writing from (TWD). (And was probably influenced by the fact I was sitting there writing a “pregnant at the end of the world” story whilst hugely pregnant myself, ha.)

7. Do you write crossovers?

As in, non-fusion crossovers? Where you have characters from both things interacting? Not really, to be honest. I used to, a fair bit, although I’m not sure I ever actually posted any of them. I just recently stumbled across some unfinished drafts for some Harry Potter x Bleach stuff, which was honestly fascinating to look at because I would not think of something like that now.

I do still write a bunch of fusion-style crossovers, though. Like, I’m plotting constantly plotting those bastard things. (Seriously, constantly: my poor SO cannot engage with a show or a video game with me without knowing that I’m probably sitting there thinking about where Qiao Yifan would fit into it jadlf;jasdfl.) Unfortunately, it’s just… a lot harder for me to actually finish those stories. Or sometimes, even to start them. They’re definitely one of those cases where I need to get much better at just… dropping my worldbuilding glee into a tumblr post or something, sigh.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Once. So very long ago that I don’t even remember what it was about, just that I had the sweetest group of friends who made it immediately less devastating for my rejection-sensitive ass (thereby saving me from quitting fandom not long after I had discovered it). <3

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

So much smut! Mostly the kind with a whole lotta feelings.

It’s not that I don’t write other things—I write so many other things—but smut comes with this bonus setting for me, where it’s just a hundred times simpler than anything else (especially when compared to anything that tries to grow Real Plot—see Question 7, so help me). And that just makes it wayyy easier to actually, y’know, write. And finish. And edit. And post.

(Not that sex can’t be complicated, or complex, because of course it can! But it’s still easier than so many other forms of human interaction, y’know? Or… maybe it’s just that sex is the perfect chill-switch for my brain, and that’s carried over into how I use it for writing, too? Who knows!)

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope. At least, not to my knowledge.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yesss, and it’s always exciting! Translators are the best. ♥!!

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I’ve planned to! Life got in the way, alas.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

What’s an all-time favourite anything, precious?

Whatever’s bouncing around in my head in the moment, generally. Although, that said, I do keep returning over and over and over to GaoQiao in a way that definitely should give it some kind of special status, so… there’s that. XD

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Hey, that’s quitter talk, Question 14. Anyway, everyone knows I’m trapped in a fandom until I’ve had all my WIPs wrung out of me. (That’s how it works, right? Right?)

More seriously, though, I… am not really sure. There are definitely some WIPs I am constantly thinking I should just give up on and post as partly fleshed-out outlines—because I love them, but I’m not sure I have the spoons to genuinely finish them.

Like, uh, haha, y’know—the insane FangWang fairytale-esque thing, the structure of which was very purposefully built off Propp’s functions (the, uh, narrative elements of a folk tale, per Propp’s Morphology of a Folk Tale stuff), because… I’m a raging nerd who re-falls down the folk tale rabbit hole at least once a year…? I do really love that fic, so very much, because there’s so much going on in it (actual witches! changelings and neurodiversity! Lin Jie baggage! FangWang being insufferable and wonderful and full of feelings! fae folk being terrible! fae folk being So Fucking Right! trials being passed! trials being failed! homely cooking, and magical needlework, and grumpy softhearted healers chopping firewood, oh my!) But also… there’s so fucking much going on in it, dear god.

It’s probably my best candidate for being flung up as a dot-point fic, but… I remain swimming in a sea of self-delusion, haha.

15. What are your writing strengths?

I think… I really like getting in the guts of things, when it comes to writing about characters as people-in-bodies. (Which… is a sentence I keep re-writing, but it’s not getting any less unhinged any time soon, so it can just stay there as-is.)

I really like that sense of grounding, anyway: of being grounded in skin and bones and body-connected feelings, which is… mildly hilarious considering—therapist noises intensify.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Executive dysfunction.

Uh. Yeah, so, I’m super bad at internalising that grammar exists for Reasons, and that those Reasons are that other people don’t necessarily think or read with the apparently weird rhythm that I do. And that means… y’know… that my own shit needs to confirm to at least a baseline of some kind or else it’ll become kinda unreadable. (I am getting better at it, I think. I am. It’s an endless project. Commas are my own personal hell.)

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I do kinda get why people might do this, because baby-me was pretty enamoured with it.

Now that I’m no longer Baby, however—at least, not when it comes to this—it’s not really something I would do. I’m also more likely to politely exit back out of stories that do choose to do it, although that’s mostly because it tends to be one of those markers that says Things about whether or not I’m going to jive with a story. (As a boring-ass adult with too little functional time on her hands.)

(On the other hand, I am deeply into terms of address/honorifics being kept and used. They can provide such a rich dose of information about intimacy, familiarity, and all the rest of it. That said, I tick-tock back and forth like a busted clock on whether I think they should be translated or not.)

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Animorphs, probably, although I didn’t know what a fandom was at that point. My first posted fic was for Stargate Atlantis.

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

I’m going to find a way to write that sedoretu Gao Yingjie/Fang Shiqian/Wang Jiexi/Qiao Yifan story if it fucking kills me.

(Also this random Gao Yingjie/Qiao Yifan & Su Mucheng/Wang Jiexi partner-swapping thing that’s been living rent-free in my head for literal years, but which has never actually been written down as anything more than a one line note. C’mon, story, get out of my head and onto some damn paper!)

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written

We play favourites in this house! Also… I’m just really bad at making those kinds of choices.

But—you know what? Fuck it, in the days this draft has been sitting here, I gotta say, I’ve kept thinking—probably the older the ginger (the spicier it gets). It’s peak rare pair, but I had such a blast writing it, and it’s one of those odd things I actually enjoy re-reading, too. <3

#askmeme

[kedreeva]

OK OK SO LISTEN OK HEAR ME OUT I AM VERY VERY MUCH WELL ON MY EAY TO ACTUALLY WATCHING THIS BIT H OF A SHOW JUST BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT the broken ass fucking thing in ny brain that controls my serotonin levels goes _Ping_ and i get to experience The Happy but LISTEN here the fucking issue ive got an absolute bitch of an executive dysfunction and main issue: everything i know about thr show and everything that makes my brain go HYPERFIXATION TIME is shit from like,, the last 2 seasons ig mostly and like on a Theoretical fucking level i am well aware that once i start watching ill start enjoying it from the first coupke episodes (whatever deity may or may not be out there ought to just strike me down already at this point my previous self from like 5 years ago would strangle me if that fucker knew ehat our stupid bitch of a brain latched to amd decided to sing praises to in the end) but like The Things that currently have me in the headlock when it comes to the damned show Wont be There yet and even though i logically know it doesnt matter cause ill enjoy the rest too stupid piece of shit brain goes "must watch 2 seasons just to get there? Must watch 2 seasins to get to the Serotonin? Not in this energy crisis" so im Stuck unable to Watch it and Wanting to and reading and looking at SO much fucking fancontent cause goddamn the fucking fandom is talented fuck yall

Also i really appreciate your offer regarding the poll its v sweet of you but unfortunately its got a local target audience since its for a project that will begin at a local stage (and if i get my way slowly grow bigger until it reaches nationwide level but yeah v low hopes for it to get that far) and also since the whole project thing is basically a part of a far larger project thing with lots of smaller teams like us and shit and the reason im part of the whole shebang is that a professor of mine decided to place me on her team without even asking ive gotta make the poll using my Proper™ account which not only means sharing my deadname but also my last name (in short my whole legal name) so yeah big fucking mess thats going to shit anyway but i really appreciate the intention its v sweet (also as you hopefully have figured out i am VERY shit at explaining anything on a manner that makes sense but also im my defence it Is currently 3am where i am so yeah id like to throw a teeny bit of the blame for my inability to communicate on that)

Go to SLEEP.

But before you do I need you to look me in the fucking eyes, and understand this: season 1 is absolutely fantastic. Season 1 is still my favorite season. Not only do you get to meet all the amazing characters as babies, but the plots.... oh, the plots. oh. the storylines in season 1 are all fucking gorgeous, Delightful.

okayokay, listen. listen.

I gotta calm down a second because season 1 is so good, but listen

Season 1 does something that's so incredibly difficult to pull off, and not only did they pull it off, they pulled it off with flying colors. They told three narratives that were all part of one narrative, expertly braiding them together until suddenly they have all come together and everything crescendos and hhhhhh it's bliss. It's fucking bliss.

You have the first plot, and that's a kid's adventure plot. It is the genre of plot where you have a bunch of kids who get into a supernatural shenanigan with a New Friend, completely under the noses of the oblivious adults. This is some ET shit, some Earth to Echo shit. They've got to hide their New Weird Friend from the adults, and they are the ONLY ONES capable of saving her. High Child Adventure Time. They're riding their bikes and yelling over their radios and doing things only children would think to do in an attempt to keep El safe.

Then you have the second plot, with Nancy, Jonathan, and Steve (and arguably tommy and carol). This is a teenage monster horror flick w/ bonus romance. This is "one of the teenagers got killed/taken by a monster and the rest of the teens have to survive/cope with it/hunt the monster down together" genre. Nancy and Steve are busy getting into romance and then crashing and burning it because Nancy knows there's monsters and Steve has no idea, but Jonathan knows there's monsters, and now they're teaming up to fight back right up until Steve crash lands in the middle of the event and picks up the nailbat the first time. Delightful, you have to understand. You have to know. The first time Steve weilds the nailbat, he twirls it. And that twirl is.... fucking everything. That twirl lives rent free in my head for eternity.

You have to understand. This entire scene leading up to this is pure fucking gold. Steve is beat the fuck up after picking a fight with Jonathan (and losing), and he's come over to Jonathan's house to apologize to him, because he realized he's been an asshole. Who DOES that first of all. Second of all, this is AFTER he went and made amends with the theater he and tommy and carol defaced to be mean to nancy, and before he's apologized to nancy herself; he's coming to jonathan's house, alone, at night, to apologize to Jonathan, not because he knows Nancy is there, but because it's the right thing to do.

And then Nancy opens the door and okay, he had guessed they were... a thing, maybe, so that's not totally unexpected, but then he sees her hand. He sees the bandage on her hand, the blood they were using to draw the monster, and he has NO IDEA monsters exist still. He pushes into the house because he thinks Jonathan hurt Nancy, only to find Jonathan is also sporting a bandage, and also there's like. weapons all over the fucking place and christmas lights and Nancy's yelling at him to leave and she pulls a fucking gun on him and tells him he has 5 seconds to gtfo, and as if that wasn't enough, a literal monster claws through the ceiling, drops down and starts trying to eat them all. Nancy's firing a gun at it right up until Jonathan grabs her around the middle and bodily hauls her away from danger, grabs Steve's hand with his other hand, and hauls his partners down the hall to safety.

Down the hall where, you know, he and Nancy put a fucking bear trap on the ground. A bear trap steve does not know about but when Jonathan yells JUMP, do you know. Steve doesn't even stop to ask how high. he just fucking jumps. He's freaking out and the monster seems to disappear and they tell him to leave because it's going to come back and he makes it all the way to his car before realizing... he can't fucking leave them there. so he goes charging right back into danger, and good fucking thing too, because Jonathan's been disarmed and nancy's out of bullets and the demogorgon is still coming after her, and Steve gets there just in time to scoop up Jonathans nailbat (which FYI, was made from Nancy's bat, with Jonathan's nails, and now Steve wields it, as if I NEEDED OT3 feels) and start wailing on the monster until it's beaten back into the trap and they can set it on fire.

LIKE. SEASON 1 JUST HAS THAT???

and then!!! there's also the ADULT plotline, which is of the government conspiracy theory genre, as Joyce refuses to believe her son Will is dead and Hopper doesn't agree until actually he finds out she's RIGHT and the corpse was a FAKE and then HE is in on it and they are desperately trying to figure out what the fuck the LAB was doing with all its secrets.

And Delightful.... I have to say. Watching these three plotlines converge.... I've watched the first season dozens of times by this point. Chef's kiss. They all come together and realize they've all been dealing with facets of the same problem, and they move forward together to save Will and take down the monster and the lab that caused the problem. Oh my GOD.

And that's not even speaking of the characters. You will be adopting every child. Season 1 mike is the best mike. I would kill for season 1 nancy but she's got it covered. Season 1 Steve shows you his capacity for being a bitch, which is WHY the later seasons are so amazing with him being a good guy. You have to be able to remember the moment he took Jonathan's camera from him, jonathan's most prized possession, probably the most expensive and difficult to replace thing Jonathan owns, and smashes it on the pavement. You have to experience him writing (or allowing Tommy to write) "Nancy Wheeler is a SLUT" on the movie theater announcement board on main street. You have to see him shove Jonathan and say "always figured you for a queer" in order to understand how far he's come when he sits on the bathroom floor with Robin and softly says "oh." and still looks at her like she hung the moon. You have to see how much the kids care about each other when they are all in one place or you will never survive the catty nonsense they go through in season 3. SEASON 1 MATTERS SO MUCH.

a;sjga;hjsr;hrh;jkfjhgsdfhjd;l

There's SO MUCH about season 1!!! I'm supposed to be writing stories right now, so I'm gonna leave it here but please know you will not be slogging through 2 seasons to get to 3 and 4. You'll be watching the best season, a good season, and then arrive at when the plot kind of sucks but the characters have a chokehold on your heart so it doesn't matter.

#stranger things #asks #anon asks #Anon (Delightful)

[fragileizy]

15 Questions / 15 People

this is late by [checks notes] literally 15 days. 17 days. oopsie doopsie i am so sorry. i got tagged by my beloved @valiantlyjollynightmare !!

1. Are you named after anyone? (irl): no, i don't think so! my parents couldn't decide between two variations of this name and they decided to meet in the middle and pick a third option. (internet): izy is my nickname i grew up with! of course, lots of people spell it izzy but i've always been adamant about keeping the one 'z' only. tashio is a reference to inuyasha; inuyasha's dad is 'inu no taisho' which is basically the dog king(/lord) and even as an eleven year old i knew. i KNEW. this was the man i WANTED. since i was eleven or whatever, i've been going by izy tashio online :)

2. What was the last time you cried? february 3rd 2023! since then i haven't cried :D

3. Do you have kids? not yet! but i can't wait. i want a family, and i've even picked out all the names i want and aaaahhhhh.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? yes, definitely!

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people? that's a great question, i genuinely don't know. it's a person-by-person case, i don't think i always notice something first. maybe their height...?

6. What’s your eye color? brown/black! whatever!

7. Scary movies or happy endings? happy endings! i hate bad endings and i avoid them like the plaaaague.

8. Any special talents? i can make a farting noise with my hands :3 (i genuinely can't think of anything but this is a true fact, so.)

9. Where were you born? i was born in brazil!! i've been back and forth from usa to brazil my entire life.

10. What are your hobbies? i love writing and drawing, though i think at this point my writing skill has surpassed my art skill. hand problems have made it difficult to hold pens and pencils, so there's definitely a biased towards writing instead of drawing.

11. Do you have a pet? unfortunately, no! i have plans of adopting two cats and owning a golden, though.

12. What sports do you play/have played? i used to play soccer for most of my life, but one year i missed the chance to sign up because of ADHD brain gave me executive dysfunction and i never picked it back up again. i feel like i would've been in a much different point in my life, had i stayed active with soccer.

13. How tall are you? 150cm! | 4'11" !

14. Favorite subject in school? math!

15. Dream job? unavailable question, i'm in survival mode at the moment! the job isn't the important part, but what i'm able to do with the money that it provides is all that matters. being able to come home after work and live comfortably; being able to travel and be able to work on my hobbies is all that matters to me in a job. no-obligation tagging: @writerriderdirtythirties | @leafweaverryn | @rosie-b | @littlemourningstar | @uchidachi | @keentrigger | @transiconlink | @furia-lepida | @miraculouslymundane | @apollo-zero-one | @asukiess | @purrfectlypunny | @feather-dancer | @creamikimi | @the-goddess-of-sleep | @midnightskydancer

#speakizys

[vodid]

That does help a little bit. I want to know to accommodate my needs and to actually put a name to what I am feeling, because not knowing makes me feel a bit lost and confused. I won’t worry about it too much, I’ll just find what works for me. I’ll check out some educational accounts and websites about it so I can learn it more though. Thank you!

of course! i personally think there's no harm in exploring a self/suspected diagnosis if you think it'll lead to accommodations and explanations for yourself. that should be the point of any sort of diagnosis (as opposed to those claiming it for the sake of claiming it,,?) it's good to have a name to your experiences that seem out of the ordinary or rather extreme to neurotypicals, and it can be far too hard to explain it if you just don't know what it is

growing up, i had a lot of issues with explaining why i struggled so much with hygiene. being, yknow, an angsty teen, i thought "ok it's just depression ...but i can't just say that to my mom? she would ask why and i wouldn't have a why. because there is no why!" so amounting it to depression never felt right. turns out, it wasn't that at all. it was executive dysfunction. adhd. i just Can't, and that's all there is to it. it has certainly helped me find a lot more ease with navigating through the issue and resources that were better catered to me

even if i still struggle with executive dysfunction, being aware of it helps me be a lot easier on myself. i don't beat myself up as much (which really only made it worse) for being so incapable, because it's not my fault. my brain just doesn't like doing things! so i try to find ways to Appease it 🤌 enough to make it do its job so i can do mine

getting off track. tldr even if the diagnosis isn't so others know, it can be for you to know. because unfortunately our brains can be mean to ourselves if we don't have the right answer! take care of urself anon

#also on that note. learning more about your adhd/autism can open the gates to learning about comorbidities such as exec dys; arfid; apd; etc

[somecunttookmyurl]

Since we're sharing executive dysfunction tips what I do is do a chore I like doing but isn't as important/emergent as what I have to do and when I'm done with that I usually have the momentum to do whatever it is I'm avoiding. (big tip when relying on momentum though is to eat and drink beforehand) Worst case scenario I still don't do the thing I was avoiding but at least I have clean laundry and my chore list still got smaller. Also because I always forget my laundry I set the oven timer so I have to physically go over to the area my laundry is to turn it off. Otherwise I hear the machine stop and then forget about it for hours

oh yeah tricking your brain into giving you momentum for something else is good

related tangent: don't do everything all at once in a "marathon" sort of thing. yes, you got momentum but the thing is. if you do everything all in one go it's hard. you get wiped out. and you're less inclined to keep up with things because your brain starts associating all of it with being really hard and tiring and taking a long time. and then it gets to the point where you have to marathon again

spread your shit out so it still all gets done. you won't get burnt out on it and generally more inclined to keep doing it because it's not some huge thing

taking regular breaks is also important to make things feel easier (and be less tiring) and thus less scary to do in future. unfortunately, often with adhd if you stop moving you die meaning it's also important to lifehack a way into pausing but not stopping.

if i sit down on the couch it's game over. but if i sit on my bed i can get up again. i don't normally sit on my bed during the day and only go in my bedroom if i need something, so if i'm in there my brain is already like "we're not going to be in this room for long". it's also away from my laptop and TV, so.

#mostly i split up my chores throughout the day #but if something is gonna take longer than 20-30 minutes at once i gotta chill in my bedroom for a few min

[katzirra]

I hate how mental illness works for me. It's been very debilitating lately for stupid reasons. I've had a weird relationship with my art this past year, so I finally decided to budget for a new computer, a new desk, clean up some blogs, get into new stuff and old stuff, and straighten my office up.

I'm unfortunately the type of person whom when presented with road blocks outside my control, gets very stuck working around it the best I can, and ends up wanting to sleep all the time because It causes time to pass faster.

I can't focus lately, Matt and I have been watching Law and Order from the beginning and having a blast with it, and I thought surely I can work on at while we do that - but my brain won't move past the fact my desk top is still not here!!

I have made a lot of plans to make my desk better to work from for my legs, back and neck AND WRISTS OH MAN and I'm stuck with the weird half state my office is in because there's all this shit everywhere now.

I keep wanting to work past it, ignore it, but I had anticipated my desk coming in all at the same time, so I cleared my desk off and built my second filling cabinet - I'm losing my mind honestly. It's like an itch in my brain that I'm uncomfortable with my office and can't do anything to fix it for an undetermined amount of time :))

I have big plans with my desk layout to be able to have more SPACE to do traditional art and shit and I'm just yelling softly...

it's so silly to be so stuck, and I hate knowing that's silly, and being unable to do anything about it except try and come at the situation sideways and only succeed 15% of the time lately......

YELLS.

I feel bad I'm making no art really, despite wanting to or having so many ideas!!! I say this like I'm not buatibg my ass for my stupid Ask Blog... it counts but it doesn't. I have a weird complex with it.

I'm questioning what exactly executive dysfunction is... ALSO WONDERING IF I HAVE HYPERSOMNIA SINCE THE MAIN SYMPTOMS SURE ARE ME.... but then again!!! self diagnosis is never great.

#I'm in that mental state of feeling like a nobody and worthless but also wanting to make merch and shit. Yikes #kat life #kat talks

[springsaladgaming]

Progress Update 10/4/2022

Hey, all!

It's been a while, and I'm sorry to say I don't have too much to report. I'm still struggling along. We're out of the hot season now, so my sleeping has improved significantly, but unfortunately not my executive dysfunction. I can try to pin the blame on environmental factors as much as I want, but more likely the truth is just that my neurodivergency is kicking my ass right now.

So why bother updating if I don't have anything to report? Well, first of all so no one thinks I just disappeared. But also I think it's good to talk about these creative blocks when they happen—to remind others (and myself) that they are not the only ones who struggle with it.

So I'm going to talk a little bit about what I'll be doing to motivate myself to work. If you're not interested in reading, then feel free to stop reading the update here knowing that, yes, I'm still here and still working! If anyone cares to read on, maybe you'll find something helpful or just relateable by hearing me spitball my process in dealing with my neurodivergency. Either way, hope you all are doing well and have a lovely month! 💕

The good news in all of this is that working on my writing has stopped feeling like a daunting, hopeless task and is starting to feel approachable again, if only I can get myself to sit down and start the task.

So, for me, it starts with baby steps. Many forms of neurodivergency that deal with executive dysfunction can make a long-term task feel gargantuan and unmanageable, so the goal is to break it down into small steps that are manageable.

I've started a checklist of smaller tasks so that I can start working on them one by one. Right now, that checklist is divided between this project and my other one, but I have to start somewhere.

The second half of that challenge? Getting myself to actually begin the task. I'm using the coming of October and my desire to play through a list of horror video games that I have yet to touch as incentive; I need to have a session of at least a couple of hours of working on my checklist before I'm allowed to play.

The goal right now is less about the quantity of work than it is about helping my brain start the task. Once I become reaccustomed to doing so, I can start setting other goals for myself, like word counts or scene completions.

Other small helpful things: changing up my environment a little bit. I might try switching up where I work in my house from time to time. Additionally, at some point I think I'll put together a fresh writing playlist as I think my brain is getting too used to my usual one and thus getting bored. (I can't work on my writing in silence. I have to have music.) A fresh cup of coffee when I start working will also help keep me motivated, because I love beverages, coffee in particular, and it's a small thing that will make me happy.

So right now my checklist looks something like this:

(Valiant)

complete "talk" branch of prologue 1

revision pass for scene variation

revision pass for TA

revision pass for SL

revision pass for stat balance

develop first impression variables

compile coding for CC

decide what to have in initial CC

make a cheat sheet for importing prologue 1

review for TWs

code into Twine

check for errors

test

(Ninelives)

review lucia conversation variables

write alternate Ansel meet

compare with route A for stat balance

review old version of ch2, rewrite closing

comprehensive plot of ch3 and vars

review old version of ch3, keep and toss

start writing ch3

Obviously, there's a lot to this list, but each individual task is way more manageable than "finish chapter 2" or "finish the prologue." It'll be a process, but sometimes it just be like that.

If you've read this far, thanks for listening to my spitballing. I don't know if I want this to be helpful or reassuring or what, but it's out there. Take care of yourselves! 😘

#progress update #combined progress update #should that be a tag? #lol whatever

[redinbluee]

Listen to me vent about my gcses (part 1)- (and there will definitely be more to come, so leave before I post again cause it won't be pleasant)

At this rate I'm actually gonna fail my gcses- just why the fuck did I promise my parents seven 9s out of ten gcses, how on earth am I supposed to do that. I have done absolutely nothing for the past month thanks to my executive dysfunction, but the problem is that my parents actually think that i did shit cause I've been lying (really shouldn't have), and they actually have faith in me?! Gosh the guilt is just piling up like a garbage dump and at some point it's just gonna all go tumbling down and crush my skull cause I kinda deserve it

(Here goes my annoying venting, I advise you to leave unless you enjoy my extra poetic storytelling and my insufferable personality)

So far I have only been confirmed two 9s, but that's fucking because these two 9s come from art and design & tech-oh I wonder why hmm well that's because art is literally my special interest so I've only been doing art this whole damn time (which it probably the reason why i got full marks which was just fucking extra, really should've devoted this time to something else). And the only reason why I'm not dying in Design & technology is because the tech assistant forced me to come up to the block three times a week to work on my project which actually worked and I somehow managed to accomplish some shit. Taking in account of the fact that I did DT and art together, you may probably tell that I am currently in quite an unfortunate situation if you are familiar with gcses

While I did manage to scrape three 9s in triple science in mocks, my brain is now telling me that it was a trap. There is a high chance that I won't be able to scrape three 9s again cause I actually fucking revised for those mocks, but I've gotten so lazy these past couple of months because of god knows what?! These mocks were evil isw it boosted my confidence wayy too much and now I just can't push myself to work because my brain tells me that "wEll iF yoU gOt 3 9s iN yOUr MocKs- you will DeFinAteLY get them again in the real thing! cause that's how it works right..." With my brain constantly in war with my body, no shit will be done- the only thing I would do is accidentally spark the beginning of WW3

Secondly, MaThs and GeOgRapHy. So I got 2 8s for maths and geo in my mocks which was kinda shit. According to my parents, I'm AsIaN, so I shouldn't be getting an 8 in maths- I've been making myself falsely believe that I'm actually good at maths but I'm simply shit. My dumbass was already forced into doing mountains of past papers thanks to my demonic hag of a teacher and I have absorbed absolutely nothing from those papers- Thanks to the fact that I chose the most amazing seat in the classroom where I appear to almost look invisible to the teacher, (guess what, it's the back corner seat) so she seems to have forgotten that I existed which may be both good or bad. But this ultimately does not help my current situation as this seat has made me wayy too comfortable- which is exactly why I didn't do shit in class for the past two months. Don't even get me stared with geography, I have done absolutely nothing for that.

FrEnCH

Now I have low hopes for French. This is one out of three subjects where it is simply impossible for me to get a 9. Over the course of two years, all I've accomplished was- annoy my partner to the point where we've just mutually decided to leave and switch seats. You may ask, Val how did you do that- thanks to autism, I was stimming (surprise surprise), but I was also constantly staring into her laptop because I had this chronic feeling that she was talking shit about me every lesson so I was just MoNitOrinG her behaviour (okay this is just simply messed up). Not only did I annoy my partner, I have also rightfully proven to my french teacher that I am simply insufferable and a waste of space and time. Due to my passive aggressive approach towards coping through these cursed french lessons, my teacher- obviously has given up on me. The bar is at rock bottom. Just last week, I had my french speaking exam- which I actually prepared for, god knows how I did that, but that's just the bare minimum. Allow me to recall exactly what happened.

I walk in, my hopes were low- they were drowning in the three metre end of the pool. I was given the photocard and roleplay and I was ushered into the opposite room to prepare for it. I flip the cards with my clammy, wet and disgusting hands- expecting to catch glimpse of hell. But hold up, these cards were- they were kinda easy ngl. So I had a vague idea about what to say and I was getting hopeful for the first time in months, my hands were moving like a fucking motor while I was squeezing out every ounce of vocabulary out of my brain. For once, I knew what the fuck I was doing. So 12 minutes passed and I was greeted by the presence of my french teacher (although she probably despises me, she is a wonderful teacher, really nice woman who smiled all the time, obviously, she didn't deserve my treatment, I love her as a person but I just simply hate the subject and the people my class) I stuttered quite a bit, jumbled up my tenses from time to time which was quite bad but my teacher was really encouraging. Finished the exam, and she told me I did well, couldn't tell if she was lying or not. I still have this feeling that she purposefully gave me the easy cards and questions simply because I have set the bar so low to the point where she had to selectively choose easier questions that would ensure me a pass- that's kinda sad lmao

Onto english- this is where it gets fucking messy

I have already accepted that I would probably completely flunk english. I hate the subject and got absolutely garbage grades in my mock. For english language, I wrote the most messed up creative writing my teacher has probably ever witnessed. All I did was- recycle the plot of Look Back by Fujimoto, but instead of murder I turned the death into a su*cide, I sprinked in some *personal trauma* and I subtly made it into a wlw fanfic. Not only that, I also recycled parts of Kat's poem from 10 things I hate about you and just stuck it in there because why not. You may imagine the mess that this writing actually is already. Under the pressures of time, my creativity was suppressed- making good use of my broad knowledge in films and manga, I bunched up my favourite plot points and quotes and cooked it up into something absolutely horrifying. This story was so messed up to the point where my teacher had to walk up to my desk after the exam and chat about my mental state. Wasn't fun, would not recommend- 0/10 experience. Ended up lying to her about the fact that this creative writing was half inspired by my life, told her that the piece was solely "inspired by my favourite works" and that I added in su*icide for "dramatic effect".

And I will 10/10 fail english literature without a doubt, I have given up long ago, and I will not willingly torture myself by forcing myself to learning these cursed texts. Expecting a 5 or lower. Don't care.

#gcses #vent #rant #autism #neurodivergence #gcse #adhd

[openly-journaling]

Dissociated/Blurry: Tuesday Feb 15th 2023

We got a message from our dad explaining to us all the reasons why we're a problem to him. We DID tell him to tell us so we're not mad but we're certainly hurting.

He told us we were being some ungrateful brat (which really isn't true) perhaps it's just how we're coming off. We have so much mental shit we just want to forget about. We want to believe were good enough. He also accused us of lying and saying we got a letter from him that we didn't because we happened to be getting our bills in the mail.

Like yeah but we'd also missed some bills which we'd mentioned! And because of that we had late fees.

He complained about how we struggled to give back $500 (it wasn't an emergency or a need, just wanted to give back. He said we didn't owe him anything but we wanted to help where we could and we really really did try!) Unfortunately we never could deposit the money due to financial issues and bank issues we refused to tell him about because.. well idk really.

Just feel like we can't tell anyone anything without them assuming we're making excuses.

Anyway our reply was this.

I don't want to make excuses or have you feel like I'm making any.

no. i didn't get the letter. I promise I didn't. and I didn't mean it like I'm being a brat about "it's not like I'm getting a gift." (The letter was about his issues with us and he asked if we had gotten it and we explained why we hadn't because of the mailing issues and how we weren't exactly excited because we weren't excited to get attacked over every little thing that's wrong with us. We never actually said "it's not like we're getting a gift," but that's clearly what he heard and I just don't have the energy to fight with or try to correct him on it)

I'm a fool and a coward through life. life has put me down and crippled me to the point where I struggle.

THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT YOUR HELP. (He insisted on giving us money so we didn't go hungry when we started making less and rent went up beyond what we could afford with bills AND food)

THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT YOU GIVING ME MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE.

it always goes wrong. with everyone. I really really do try. I've learned with ADHD that my executive dysfunction makes simple tasks really big and overwhelmingly impossible and then the only time they work out is after severe punishments or the time my brain starts panicking over painful situations like this.

I'M NOT UNGRATEFUL you have no idea how much it plagues me knowing that I'm nothing but a disappointment that I've never been anything but and it's easy to be a disappointment.

I really did want to put money in but I wasn't making enough from work anymore because I was burning out and I just didn't know what to say. and I wanted to keep myself on easy ground in case of emergency or if Jane didn't come through.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. and I was beginning to get to a point when I decided I didn't want to confide with you about my personal problems anymore because it just caused us problems. so I was planning on just talking about the future we were planning for to keep that hope alive.

I will pay it all back one day when it counts the most, I really always do. trust me or don't but if it's really big and I have whatever needed, I will help! I'm sorry.

it seems I've failed with you too.

and I'm not saying any of this to make up excuses.

I still never understood why you trusted me in the first place. (All the other siblings had proved to be an issue and stolen from him)

I'm a nervous, anxious wreck and I hate that about myself. nobody ever taught me the tools on how to regulate my ADHD.

everyone is constantly "well I did this, why can't you!?" "well I have ADHD and I did this!" "You're just lazy"

hhh... I promise I'm not ungrateful. I'm extremely highly aware of the fact you're upset with me. I'm hyper aware after every conversation how much I've hurt you. how hard it hits me too. but frustratingly enough only after the conversation. which I end up beating myself up for all week.

I have always failed. I always will fail. I know that now more than ever. so I decided to do the one thing I could do left. careless about whether I live or die or how long I have left to live in this world, I've decided that I'll live as happily as I can until whatever ends me ends me. I'm not suicidal, I'm just indifferent at this point.

nothing in life excites me the same. I am depressed. me rushing out here was a last resort to keeping me going. [This was the only way I could be happy anymore, was with Axe.]

I wrote in my journal about how upset I was leaving you without having visited. about how if I never see you again it'll have been all my fault. and that's a regret I'm going to live with for the rest of my life if that happens. and I know it. how pathetic right? knowing that I'm hurting you and myself like that. I've let so many people down, dad.

I'm not good at coming through with minor issues. I'm not good at helping with small things. I'm only good at helping in more serious situations. and it makes me look really bad.

I am bad.

I am a problem child. god..

don't help me anymore. just don't do it! I WARNED YOU. I FREAKING WARNED YOU!!!

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm SORRY!

but it's not enough from me. if you want nothing to do with me then that's fine. you can walk away now. I'll take the blame. because I AM to blame. and I know that. I love you. I really do.

End of letter

If anything.. if there's anything positive out of this. I'm glad he's finally learning not to give himself away like that. He gave up all of his money for everyone else and that fucker had a shit ton of money. He made the mistake of losing it all to everyone and we were just getting scraps that we told him not to give us. But he's finally learning to put his foot down and say that enough is enough.

And I suppose it's safe to say we're proud of him for that but it still hurts that his misunderstanding of us and lack of hearing us properly over the phone (as well as our lack of competence to do something as basic as getting on his visitor list) has twisted a really bad impression of us that he actually sees us as some ungrateful brat.

We are the least ungrateful people we know. We don't complain when we're fed something we don't like, we're just glad people made an attempt to feed us. We don't scream at waiters to fix our order on one small mistake, we eat it and we leave be. We really deeply appreciate when people want to spend time with us and pay attention to us because people don't very often.

We deeply appreciate when people give us things or just want to hang out even if we're covering the bill. But he can't see that side of us from behind bars. He can't see how much light it brings to our eyes the most basic of things. The skip it puts in our step when we get literally anything small!

We have lived deprived of help for so long that we were oft afraid of asking for it. And when we started asking for it as an adult and we get it we're overjoyed and more than grateful! We're falling all over someone with thanks and praises!

But the I guess we get too much help and it's "never a problem" "you don't owe me anything" and when we offer to help there's nothing they can think of that's within our capabilities but then they do something big for us that requires us doing something small for them and BAM suddenly we can't do it and we're bad people. Suddenly "you're so ungrateful, I did all this for you and you can't do this for me? I went through all this trouble for you and you can't play this one small part!?"

It seems stupid and insignificant. A task that should be easy for literally anyone but is just so difficult for us. When we offer ways of helping that actually both benefits them and are things we CAN do they just... don't accept because it's a really big task ig? idfk!

Now we just want to withdraw with this next part of our lives.

Become that mysterious internet figure that's good at art and has a tight nit friend group and lets nobody but my close friends in who get it. Who get me. That's how I see a lot of popular artists online anyway. Yeah just stick to myself and hope that nobody thinks I'm selfish over things.

Allow myself to like and appreciate the art of others and drop a positive loving comment even when I don't have the mental capacity just so maybe MAYBE people won't think the only thing I care about is myself. Maybe people will care about my stuff too? Maybe we can all care about each other's silly little shit? Damn...

I guess we really are selfish, aren't we?

I don't have the spoons (energy) all the time. It's a mental battle, not a physical one, dammit!!!

#open journal #dissociated #blurry #i feel exhausted #I'm tired #I'm depressed #i don't care anymore #day 119 #osdd #did #adhd #executive dysfunction #disability #disabilties #did/osdd #actually plural #mentally fucked