#very tired of hating myself

[szakkale]

look at my monstrosity

#YIPPEEE IVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS WORK AFDSFVGBRFDVHGB #shitty photos shitty phone whateverrr #bro i have no idea how we are going to hang this up on the wall for the exhibition cause its in pieces but whatevarr #im very proud of myself but im very tired and i hated this work because it was sooo much work #my prof loves it tho so i really do feel proud of myself heheheheee #art

[worthless-misery]

Dear diary...

All of this feels so pointless...

I feel like I'm wasting my time here.

There's no point in me being here if all I ever do is suffer...

#dear diary #tw #i'm very tired... #worthless #empty #tired #useless #i want to die #i hate myself #i'm sorry #pain #alone #anxiety #self harm #suicidal #sad #depression #heartbreak #hurt #hopeless #kill me #lost #lonely #broken #numb #not good enough #personal

[bowelfly]

HEY HI i finally moved to a new apartment that doesn't make me want to kill myself but the move was VERY EXPENSIVE and man i'd love to be slightly less destitute so i finally made an INPRNT account which will fuck me over slightly less than redbubble does.

i uploaded like 90 of my favorite drawings that didn't include other people's intellectual property and i set the prices as cheap as they can get and there's also a %15 off thing going on right now so uhhh idk should be a pretty good deal??

#im doing a terrible job and posting this at midnight #i hate anything even adjacent to advertising and i am purposefully sabotaging myself #hey look im very tired and frazzled #give me a dollar

[snixx]

feeling like no one around you cares is such a shitty feeling and it never fully goes away. everyone leaves you and nothing lasts and I'm tired of carrying this aching loneliness everywhere with me and overinvesting in people who just don't give a shit

#kinda feels like I'm failing at everything tbh #my grades are painfully average #my quote unquote best friend of twelve years hasn't spoken to me in months #im pretty sure the girl i thought was my college bestie is avoiding me or at the very least constantly flaking on me #i don't have the energy to reply to anyone and have like a zillion unread chats #it feels like people only talk to me when they need me and I'm so tired of it #im tired of everyone in college forming their super exclusive groups that i can never get into #and blowing me off for shit they won't let me come to #it kinda makes me hate myself a little which is an emotion i haven't felt in years #like what is it about me that is so fundamentally unlikeable that doesn't let me ever feel like I'm not lonely #i just can't #and it's not something i can change #vagueposting the shit out of tumblr dot com

[skunkes]

experiencing a weird thing where im trying to go to sleep earlier (because im tired and sleepy) but i take so long to fall asleep its the exact same thing as just going to bed late...feel so hopeless and i always end up tired either way... im very big on "i can always try again tomorrow" mentality in any way it can be interpreted (interactions with others, mood, the amount of work i do etc) but its so hard to Try Again when you're always too tired to do anything...

#i rarely take naps...i tried to do so today and after the hour i gave myself to nap i still hadnt fully fallen asleep #im so sleepy and tired .... #even if i manage to get my personal required 9 hrs of sleep im tired.... #i dont get it...im so sleepy rn + am going to bed but i wont fall asleep until much later... #god. i also hate this bc you'd think being an unemployed homebody who cant leave his house wld mean Constant #Naps and Sleeping. i avg like 6 hrs a night i cant imagine how worse off ill be with a job #i just want to sleep...! #and feel well rested... #talkys #sorry im just very frustrated...i try to do things to better my life and health and it ends up Not Working #like whats even the point. can barely keep my eyes open but i wont fall asleep until 5 am. why not just #go to bed at 5 am then. ugh.

[nesonkin]

Every time Ryder as a protagonist is criticised for not immediately being respected by other people a part of me dies.

How do you acknowledge Andromeda as a story of growth and rise of a hero... but throw rocks at the game for doing exactly what is expected of this kind of story?

Why do you go to a bakery and ask for elbow grease?

#mass effect #mass effect andromeda #pathfinder ryder #scott ryder #sara ryder #im sorry i can't keep it to myself anymore #i am very tired of how peoplr just don't get Ryder #and their story #and when you feel like they get it they turn it around in weird ways? #if you understand what this is referring to I hope you know I don't dislike the author #I love their videos but I disagree with this particular one #again no hate to the person

[fuckdamn]

everytime i’m faced with wild overt misogyny that’s just platformed like it’s nothing i remind myself that people don’t actually have to feel this way about women. men are fully capable of treating women like human beings and viewing them as such. “but socialization but male fantasies but patriatchy speaks through us even when we don’t recognize it” sure but actually regardless there exist men who are fundamentally not raging misogynists and they generally seem happier and better adjusted. misogyny to me isn’t disappointing because “oh i can’t believe Men, as an essentialized category of person, are like this” it’s disappointing because people make the choice to be like this. “it’s my biological imperative as a man to dominate you” okay well it’s my biological imperative as a freaky bitch to dominate you so what now. what biological imperative is making you comment “onlyfans detected opinion rejected” on every picture of any attractive woman. i think i will always be understood by most people as a woman and i’m learning to accept that and trying to like it but misogyny makes me feel very trapped of course. but misogyny is a choice. which means some people make the choice to be misogynistic which is profoundly frustrating. but many other people choose not to be actively misogynistic and i believe anyone could choose not to be actively misogynistic if they wanted. so it’s a whole thing

#lotte.txt #womanhood is a fun thing to participate in with women who do not hate women. otherwise it’s very stifling and starts to not be worth it 4 me #for other girls — cis and trans btw — i think relishing in womanhood still feels worth it even when it’s very difficult and i admire that #but apart from my fashion sense and bloodlust i feel very detached from womanhood as like this primal animate Essence #but i don’t really want to be a man either. i like being a Weird Girl i like being a Hot Weird Girl #i’m more of a Hot Weird Girl than a Hot Weird Boy and i’ve discovered that through trial and error #and calling myself nonbinary/fluid accurately describes my experience in a lot of ways. but i also sometimes feel like the label doesn’t.. #serve me? if that makes sense #like i got really into kibbe in 2020 and it was like oh shit i’m a soft dramatic. how cool that there’s something that describes my body #but after a while i got exhausted with kibbe because yeah. by the logic of the system of course i’m a soft dramatic #and i operate with that knowledge in the back of my mind. but also so what. i am aware of the shape of my body now #and now i feel the label has very little left to offer me #like if you’re asking? sure i’m a kibbe soft dramatic. but i don’t hold kibbe’s system as law or view it as crucially important #that is very much how i feel rn about calling myself nonbinary #like if you want me to think about it? yeah i don’t strictly conform to the gender binary #but i don’t believe gender itself is useful for my growth - i don’t hold the institution of the gender binary sacred - why bother #why draw attention to where i exist within the system when i’m tired of defining myself in terms of the system at all. yk #aUghj. anyway

[skitskatdacat63]

2009 Australian Grand Prix - Jenson Button(ft. Rubens Barrichello & Jarno Trulli)

#brawn is like amr to me in which they make me very weepy and emotional and unhinged #me watching the podium was just me screaming internally: JENSONNNNN JENSONNNNNNNNNN sob sob #also i spoke abt this at length before but still the jump in production quality vs 2005 vs 2009 vs 2023 is so jarring honestly #and related to that ^ what did i say about ending up with a million gifs what did i say....tho less than i expected tbh #btw this post is my comfort post in case baku is chaotic #also omg i am still screaming over seb's DNF like the way he and kubica had a double takeout ;;;; #him continuing to drive another lap with his whole ass wheel basically broken off LMAO #maybe this is bcs its still fresh in my mind but its so funny to compare this race to aus 2023 #like do you remember the kmag red flag in 2023? like one wheel popped off and they had a red flag #meanwhile in this race kubica's tires were literally rolling around the track and theyre like 'eh safety car okay ig' #es tut mir leid jarno and rubens but jb is my babygirl and i love him #i hate having to cut out gifs but i want to try to keep it to ten UGHHHHH #if i let myself be uncontrolled these posts would be like 20 gifs.... #jenson button #jb22 #rubens barrichello #jarno trulli #f1 #formula 1 #formula one #we do a little bit of f1 #2009 australian gp #2009 australian grand prix #(2009: 1/17 races watched)

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

woke up before noon. feeling genuine hatred towards a lot of things right now

#first: my siblings who have trained the massive dog to jump on people. hate them a lot. he got mud all over the only outfit #that genuinely doesn’t give me sensory issues. very upset. yes i am literally crying about it now i have to do laundry a day early and #all my plans are ruined #second: the fact that i have to eat food. not a fan. i don’t want to cook i don’t want to deal with that #third: the fact that i feel like i’ve wasted my life because i low-key hate being a psych major but i know i’m unable to change my major #because i’m so tired of school and i just want it to be over and i would lose it if i signed myself up for like 2 more years just because #i want to go into a different field and 2 years isn)t that long but i don’t have another 2 years in me i’ve been here since i was like 16 #fourth: my fridge which i’d notable apple juice-less

[ellalalala]

I ran out of my allergy meds about 3 days ago and decided not to buy them right away because "maybe my allergies won't be so bad anyway!" well. I'm dealing with withdrawals now

#i am so dependent on my meds it's not even funny #one of my withdrawal symptoms (associated with the pills i take) is intense itchiness #well. intense is putting it lightly. i once scratched myself to blood #i couldn't even sit still because of how much my entire body itched #on top of that if i don't take my pills for a few days i feel tired. mind you i'm already a very low energy person #i miss being normal #i hate #i'd honestly pay dottore to turn me into a machine at this point like i can't do this for the rest of my life

[castdowns]

the only half way safe space to be a lesbian is online and literally y’all fucking suck too, i am so depressed

#castdowns.txt #i hate conversion therapy i don’t want to be straight i don’t want to like men i don’t like them i don’t care for them #i am so tired of feeling like the most hideous creature because everything changes when people find out that i’m gay #like i’m either a little boy or a problem and i am so fucking sad #like sorry you can’t fix me but literally i will not be able to function if i concede more ground to men and patriarchy like i am so tired #i wanna lock myself in my room a lot of the time like i don’t feel good ever #and yes my period is coming but god dammit thats not the only thing wrong #its never the only thing wrong unfortunately i just have very strong emotions that i try to suppress all of the time #yes my fawn response is bad i know this i dont know what to do about the fact that there is nothing people organically like about me #everyone has to train themselves to tolerate me and i am not above working to be loved but it doesnt feel like work towards the love i want #it feels like tying a noose tighter and tighter #it feels like smiling while my blood is pooling down the fucking drain again and again #and i love people around me i do it just always feels like i am alone #i sleep under the flag and i sleep in my bed alone every night surrounded by the stuffed animals i buy to feel something #*jo march voice* i’m just so damn lonely

[mimocrocodilelol]

Very lazy mutant mayhem Donnie sketch

#my art #imadesomething #tmnt mutant mayhem #mutant mayhem donnie #art #very sorry for not being active #i won't be able to post anything in this and next month #fucking exams #you have no idea #how much i hate this fucking exams time and myself #for not being able to study properly nor draw #i... iam tired #but anyway #hope you won't miss me very much #sorry for venting a bit in the tags above

[mushed-kid]

i don’t think i can ever be really close to anyone

#im so #ugh i cant stand myself #i think im way too attached to my family and i cant imagine ever getting that close to someone else #i just feel weird around people and i wish i didnt #and im not very aocial and i know that my friends hate it #and maybe its partly because im a twin and im not used to being without her #and now we’re growing up and i’m not with her as much because she’s like idk being normal and doing stuff and im not #i just feel like i cant be alone because i cant do anything #but i want to be alone so i can do stuff without having other people around becuse i liek beign alone and i get tired of people no matter #i cant even write what i feel cuz i dont know #and maybe its just late and i haould be asleep cuz im tired all the time but im alone so i can do stuff but also im alone:/ #other people are different than me in a way i don’t understand and idk why but i cant bond with people frfr #and im a very difficult person i know that but i just wish i could get close to people in the way they seem to be with each other #but i just. dont like people #but also i love people and i hate being alone im just kinda private #i just dont get why im not like others😭 #why am i different than everyone else

[forevercloudnine]

on again and off again and on again and

batcat break up and/or hook up playlist (Spotify || Youtube)

Too Close Sir Chloe // Lost Kitten Metric // Blah Blah Blah The Oozes // Wet Dazey and the Scouts // get him back! Olivia Rodrigo // Rehab People Planet // Margarita Spin Doctors // Paris Kate Nash // Denial Thing Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra (Spotify Alt: Gives You Hell All-American Rejects) // I Really F**cked It Up GIRLI // Good in Bed Dua Lipa

#batcat #bruce wayne #selina kyle #catwoman #gotham war #kind of. this playlist has been in progress for several years but gotham war was what finally compelled me to finish it #it's been sitting in my in-progress private playlist folder as 'epic divorce hours' since 2021 #okay so this goes selina pov -> bruce pov -> selina pov etc until the very last song #'too close' is selina being tired of the fragile rich boy telling her what to do like he doesn't have his own problems #'lost kitten' is bruce classism hours plus like. lost kitten catwoman do you need me to debase myself by explaining this #'blah blah blah' is literally an anti-tory hate anthem #which i think is funny as a selina breaking up with law-and-order-billionaire bruce wayne moment. but also his eyes are blue 💙 #'wet' is bruce left-at-the-altar self pity hour with a cameo from his eternal death wish #'get him back!' fits the 'i love you but fuck off' thesis of the playlist but also 'when he said something wrong he'd just fly me to france #is just such a funny line for selina. to me #'rehab' is bruce hypocritically wanting selina to fix herself and get her act together and then giving up on her #margarita is the divorce song of all time so i had no choice in adding it. and it did have to be selina's because bruce is not a drinker #but 'take the salt from my wounds and put it in my margarita' is also in general selina attitude rather than a bruce one #'paris' is bruce bemoaning that selina never listens to him re: too close from the beginning #'denial thing' is SUCH a perfect selina yelling at bruce song it kills me that it's not on spotify. whatever #'gives you hell' is an adequate replacement for the spotify version because bruce IS still working at a 9[pm] to 5[am] pace #and it does taste bad. and also his shiny car did not get him far #'i really f**cked it up' (asterisks are in the actual song title unfortunately) is bruce's anger issues guilt complex etc #and then 'good in bed' is for both of them because it's them hooking up after an argument. boom playlist over #playlist #<- remembering my tag organization system at the very end of a wall of text that is way too long for how short this playlist is

[lith-myathar]

.

#really really hate how thoughtless and oblivious i can be to my own bad behavior #ill know something is important or that a shouldn't do a particular thing #but over time and assumptions and small acts of carelessnes shit just....fades and accumulates and one day #i look up and ive done something very stupid and hurt someone else #and i didn't feel it happening #my mind will take things and hide them from me is what it feels like. ill know they're there but it fades into the background noise #i am hard on the things in my life including people and relationships. and i am always so vulnerable to my own fuckin lmfao inattentivenes #this is why i struggle so much with the idea of ever having an intimate partner or children. it doesn't matter how much i care. #eventually and inevitably i do damage. #and i know consciously that people make mistakes and all you can do is try to course correct and make it right. but it's better #not to hurt anyone in the first place and i really don't know if i will ever be capable of that. #trying to convince myself this kind of shit is growing pains but man. man. i can't stop being what i am and it really #really feels sometimes like i am just destined to break and neglect #but then that ''im broken'' thing feels like trying to dodge around taking responsibility and improving. and i should be better than that. #but god how tf are you supposed to stop dissociating from the reality of what you're doing when you're. dissociated. #all i can ever think to do is isolate #*sigh* guys i think i might need to graduate to therapy with a trauma specialist #or adjust my medication. god. im so tired. #why is it so gd hard to be a normal decent person. it doesn't seem hard but then

[shingekinomyfeelings]

I honestly don't know if or when I'll watch the end of AOT because man, literally nothing about the ending makes me feel particularly good. On one hand I kind of wanna see the actiony stuff and hear the music and all, but I still think the ending sucked. I don't think it's 'bad writing' or whatever - it's Isayama's story and he told it the way he felt it, which authors should do. I just find it pretty cynical and miserable and tbh I just... totally hate it.

I'm getting to a (possibly weird?) point in life where I very rarely find it worthwhile to put time and emotional energy into downer endings, especially long series. Maybe it sounds immature, but I think I feel down enough about the real world and my part in it that need additional stuff to feel bummed out about, you know? There aren't many series with depressing endings that I end up feeling were time well spent.

No, I'm not asking for sappy hearts and rainbows endings, but there's a massive range of emotions to explore between saccharine and desolate. I wish I wanted to watch it. I really do and I hate that I just... don't. I think it's because the series meant so much to me that the ending irks me even more.

#I think I'm kind of talking to myself I'm very very tired #if you're thinking you should come tell me I should actually think the ending is good bc it's so realistic #or that I only dislike it because I don't *get it* #just literally don't I beg of you #I do get it I just literally hate it