#was it a bad idea to put myself thru that? probably

[seokwoosmole]

Pro tip for any fantasy still recovering from the reality of this whole sf8 situation: what you DONT want to do is turn on YouTube at 4am and watch their entire Kpop Nation Warsaw performance, followed up by the music show performances of the songs they sang, and finish up by watching the video where they get their first win.

Consequence: Bawling your eyes out over a bowl of Count Chocula

No, I don't speak from experience. Absolutely not...Just giving sound advice.

#imma be honest #watching/listening to scream was so easy #but any other song #OOF #Without fail every single time I was like #oh that's Rowoon's part :( #and this isn't a knock to the other members at all #taeyang & dawon covered most of his parts and they did it so well!! #sf9 is one of the few groups where each member is so special & talented & integral to the group #yet if members are missing the other members have no issue filling in the gap #like they make u FORGET there is a gap like if I've never heard of sf9 & saw them perform I wouldn't think they were incomplete at all #like idk why it makes me so emotional cuz I went thru scream era fine & saw the delight tour and was SO FINE #like during that concert was I thinking boo hoo this would be so much better with rowoon here? NO! #I SAW THE 6 MEMBERS IN FRONT OF ME & IT WAS THE MOST PERFECT EXPERIENCE & I HAD NO ONE ELSE IN MY MIND #but in the back of my head I was like NEXT TIME they'll be complete...but ig now I don't have that to cling to #was it a bad idea to put myself thru that? probably #but I WILL be streaming their fancon & binseong will be back & idc that they won't see me #but I will not be a sobbing mess crying over a member who's not there anymore when 2 members who've been gone for so long just came back #that sounds harsh but its the truth so I needed to warm up #anyway buy ur tickets to fandora!! #sf9 #youngbin #inseong #jaeyoon #dawon #rowoon #zuho #taeyang #hwiyoung #chani

[dandyshucks]

starting to think maybe i should turn rbs off on that post actually bc im having heart palpitations now fdsjgjkl why is this happening to meeee

#vent // #me when the paranoia is Getting Bad fjkfdsjkl #its stemming from m.oral o.cd i think bc i am mainly worried abt more eyes on my blog and ppl seeing me frolic here #and the brain gophers have been insisting that i am doing smth horribly wrong and not realizing it #and the worry is that someone is going to see that and bypass talking to me abt it and go straight to making a callout post #and i will be sitting here with Zero Idea abt it #and continue hurting ppl by doing the Unknown Wrong Thing #but i also am not sure how that would happen bc i overthink literally Everything i post #if u see me put tags on smth that isn't just a simple ''ough'' or ''hehe yay!!'' i probably sat there for two mins making sure it was okay #running thru the words at every angle i can conceive of to ensure its not going to hurt somebody somehow fdsjkl #and this paranoia has been so bad the past few days. and when it gets bad then i get worried bc maybe i somehow have a guilty conscience #without even knowing !!! just subconsciously having a guilty conscience somehow !! #which ... only makes the paranoia worse fdsgjkl its a very bad vicious circle #anyways. i have been lowkey avoiding being here lately bc of this but i feel like avoidance just makes it worse #so . hrm. i just do not want to have more crying breakdowns bc i tried to figure out what on earth i could possibly be doing so wrong fsdjk #not exactly a fun way to spend time FDSJKL but ... what can ya do i guess #like i can't ask ppl ''hey am i doing smth wrong?'' bc thats. very vague. and subjective. and also i shouldnt rely on other ppl like that #but my brain is so goofed up that i genuinely cannot tell when i get like this sdjfkl bc i feel so sure i must be doing smth wrong somehow #so every tiny thing seems like maybe its wrong in a way i dont understand yet... ough #ANYWAYS SORRY THIS IS . NOT A GOOD POST TO MAKE. LOL. but i feel like this is the only way im going to bust myself out of this cycle #hopefully if i just Say that i've been really worried then if smth IS actually wrong someone will let me know #and if nothing is wrong then !! i can move on from this continual paranoia spiral !! maybe !! #i feel like me posting this is going to be a Wrong Immoral Move but fdsjkl rly trying to just. break out of it rn fsdjkl #dandyshucks

[webslingingslasher]

tw: depression

hey! i was wondering, how would peter react or take care of reader with depression? can be either nerdy or frat peter or any peter rly :)

sorry i am very much kinda really going thru it rn 😞

felt that. depression is fucking brutal, anon. i'm here for you and i hope you're taking care of yourself for now.

--

you don't move when your window opens. you haven't moved for hours, you couldn't draw up enough energy to turn or eat, or breathe. the wall in front of you hasn't changed, it's been a blank slate of emptiness. just like the pit inside you.

'i know you're not sleeping.' it's teasing, your heart doesn't have it in you to perk up. you don't feel excited peter showed up, nothing could top the numbness that's burrowed its way into your chest and mind.

'you haven't texted me back all day, i was about to send a smoke signal.' your bones feel sharp, the idea of rolling over to face him stings, you think you'll shatter into a million pieces. you have nothing left to give, even talking seems exhausting.

'baby?' peter knows somethings wrong, he thinks he knows what's wrong. you had a good stretch, it had been months before the depression caught up and sent you bedrotting.

peter can't imagine how it feels for you, but for him, watching you go through this, kills him inside.

your mattress sinks, you close your eyes when peter reaches out for you, his hand on your skin is the most warmth you felt all day. it's peter; your rock, your safety net, your protector.

you think it's the first time you've talked all day. you had a permanent lump in your throat and you knew just by opening your mouth the tears would start.

but it's okay, because peter is here.

'i'm really sad today.' it's all it takes, your shoulders shake with your sobs, how could you feel everything and nothing all at once? peter's soft whispers have you curling into yourself. you don't deserve him, he doesn't deserve this.

'oh, honey.' it's full of love, his nose brushes your shoulder like a puppy asking to be pet. 'wanna give me a hug?' your voice wavers on your answer, it's raw and scratchy, begging to be hydrated, you don't think you've even had water today.

'yes, please.' your cheeks feel sticky but peter's holding you tightly, yet softly, it's like he's trying to hold you together. it's working. 'i'm sorry.' you feel bad. you should be more for him.

'don't be. i want to be here for you, and when you can only give twenty percent, i've got the other eighty. i love you. always and forever. no matter what.'

he needs to add the end, he needs to because he knows how it weighs down in your mind. how you've told him over and over it's unfair he has to put up with this and how he doesn't deserve what you bring to the table.

peter told you he's got a big fucking table and it's got more than enough room for your "mess." you don't say the silent part out loud anymore but he knows you still think it. peter would never admit it to you, but sometimes he really hates your brain and the way it thinks about yourself when your depression sets in.

it's selfish, you hate it about yourself but you need a reason to keep going.

'can you tell me how sad you would be if i died?' to anyone else it would sound morbid, to peter it means you're feeling better. peter slightly rocks you in his lap, he hums like he needs to think.

'you think you're depressed? just you wait, i'll make this look estatic.' a smile teases, he's determined to get you laughing. 'i mean it. i'd be on my knees, tears and snot all over my face, holding your hand at your funeral. i'd probably throw myself down the hole with you.'

it works, it's minuscule but you gave him a real smile and a tiny laugh. it's because you're picturing the teary-snotted face he'd be sporting and he's totally okay with that.

peter presses kisses over your hairline, he's speaking from the heart and you can feel it.

'because if you're not living, i wouldn't have a reason to either.' 

#nerdy!peter drabbles

[etheries1015]

BOOK 7 SPOILERS BELOW

I finally decided to suck it up and catch up with twst book 7, I stopped after seeing Silver cry because I'm sCARED OF BEING SAD 😭😭 anyway here's a few reactions I had to it 😭

And hearing about the update coming soon-ish to ENG servers I really need to read up

Lilia pressuring Epel like the old man he is 😭😭 I love the moments that they remind us just how old Lilia actually is and how he sees most if not all the students as if they were his children/grand children, making sure they get the most out of the party and drink...its giving "What do you mean you're not hungry? Absolutely not. Here Is at least 5 servings of whatever dish I made to help u grow big and strong."

Okay I didn't take a screen shot of it but the entire section where Lilia looked kind of guilty with Ortho about exchanging addresses because you just KNOW he probably isn't gonna check in, presumably because he doesn't want anyone to get More attached to him seeing as he is nearing the end of his life span (crying shaking throwing up)

THIS. THIS. THIS INTERACTION HE HAD WITH US. I LOVE HIM. I AM SO SILLY FOR HIM. I totally forgot I changed my in-game name from my nickname to my REAL name and when he said my name I verbally yelled "WHAT THE HELL" before giggling and kicking my feet hehehehe I'm clinically insane for him

But the fact that he acknowledged us as Malleus friend probably means we've spent a lot of time at the dorms or around Lilia for him to see how our friendship and interactions with him work, and it melts my heart hehe. Being part of the diafam fr. But honestly bro back me up, I'm tired of being called a hench-human 😭💀

I wonder just how bad we must look with everyone noticing the strange shift??? Either we REALLY made a scene (tripping over, going pale) or the twst boys are just that attentive to us and I think that is the sweetest thing ever 😭😭 Ace and Deuce is so sweet for thinking of us and trying to get us out while also being polite to the people who kindly held the party. Despite not being there long, ace and deuce is willing to skip out on free food and drinks in order to make sure you're okay and I'm just 😭😭 ANGELS. I LOVE THEM.

But also the way Lilia worries for you is so sweet 😭💜 I should write a fic of sick reader and Lilia, or reader trying to tough it out because I know for a FACT Lilia would not let that slide! (Hypocrite 😐)

I ACTUALLY DROPPED MY JAW WHEN SEBEK SAID THIS SHIT. I WAS. WHAT. WHAT THE HELL LMFAOOOOO 😭 thats fucking insane bro I actually found myself chastising him thru the phone, I would NOT let that discrimination against humans bullshit pass fr 😭 slap him right upside the head and give him a stern talking to. I like seeing Lilia get frustrated, he's so cute and UGH. Although it went in one ear out the other, Seeing Lilia mad is so hot if I'm being real with y'all rn BUAHAHA.

I didnt screen shot this either (and I can't fit anymore photos on this post smh) but Silvers nose being red and obvious he was crying but Lilia confused. DudE OF COURSE he was crying!!! You're his dad!! You raised him since he was a baby, he's just now going into adulthood and doing that WITHOUT HIS DAD who is going to a far away land! Sure, traveling is a thing , but honestly nothing beats having that support just a moments away. Silver is literally the sweetest and wants to support his dad , but who's going to support him????!?! Lilia is putting him in a position where Silver feels the need to be strong and hide his tears for Lilias sake, but of course this is hard on him, its so sudden, too! Being so close to your parent and next thing you know mere days later they are stripped away from your arms?!

I just want to give them all hugs. Lilia obviously has some issues and misconstrued ideas of love (a million people have made posts and comments on this, so I will not repeat it) and I just. Need them to all sit around and be their mediator while we go thru their emotional states.

Ugh. I was in my twst burnout stage and still low key am, but fuck does it spark so much passion in you 😭😭

#twisted wonderland #etheries rants💜✨ #Twisted wonderland book 7 #diasomnia #twst #lilia vanrouge #malleus draconia #sebek zigvolt #silver vanrouge

[khaotunq]

Esme @itsallaboutbl tagged me!

10 BL Characters That I Want "Carnally"

What I'm gonna preface this with is I have no carnal desires for anyone, let alone any of these darling little freaks. My relationship with sex isn't complicated, it just doesn't really occur to me. That being said, based purely on physical/characteristic appeal and my own biases.

1. I would let Ray (Only Friends) ruin my life for a little while. It'd be fun and we'd do drive-thru rehab on the way. It'll be grand.

2. Also Ayan (Eclipse) and this is very apparent that I just have a thing about Khaotung. Who'd'a thunk't, with a username like mine.

3. Alan (Moonlight Chicken). Stable jobs and fruity shirts are tremendously sexy to me. He's also the only one on this list other than perhaps #5 that I would ever concievably trust in a room alone with my stuff, so he should probably actually be #1.

4. Will burn a building down with Sean (Not Me). Will burn anything down with him, honestly. For him.

5. Ink (Bad Buddy) I don't care that she's not a BL boy. She can do whatever she wants, forever.

6. Vegas (KinnPorsche). Don't ask, shan't explain.

i don't have a gif for vegas and i'm too lazy to go throw one together bc i don't have a kpts download so imagine him being a freak here.

7. Neo (3 Will Be Free). Idk I just appreciate a giant man that could probably carry me around without breaking a sweat. Also his tiny t-shirts delight me.

8. Prapai (Love in the Air). He's got money, he's pretty, and he simps hard. I'm not a very complex person.

9. Inspector M (Manner of Death). I'm out of ideas and he's pretty. He's a cop but we all have our flaws, I spose.

10. I'm going to put Sand (Only Friends) here purely because I'm fucking struggling but I have dated/fucked/worked with way too many fucking hippies musicians to ever actually consider him.

I did this off the top of my head so I'm sure I'll reread this in an hour and think SHOULD'VE SAID I'D PEG THE FUCK OUT OF YOK but we live and we learn, such is life and all that.

Bonus Yok gif because I didn't do a Vegas one, and I made myself laugh there.

Not tagging anyone because I absolutely did not do this the way I was supposed to :3 but if anyone wants to, pls feel free to say I tagged ya ♥

Ok I'm tagging @mushiemadarame bc it occurs to me that this is the kind of nonsense she'd love

#about jay #got tagged! #so it is decreed #i did not do this how i was supposed to but they're all KIDS lmao #three first kanaphans (if i count bonus yok. and i do.) and two khaotungs. as it should be. #i made all the gifs from stuff i've already made and resized or caps i already had #because there was no way i was tagging respectable gifmakers by using their gifs in this mess of a post #i never did post that alan set sdkfja #i have been very deep in my feelings about alan recently ok it's a whole thing #anyway i'm going to bed now this has been a true mess

[fatuismooches]

FUCK I TOTALLY FORGOT TO SEND YOU AN ASK ABOUT THE FIC... i just got hit full force but like 89831 different fucking projects all at once MY BAD POOKIE BUT UGHHHHHHH oh my god.... part 2??? yes.. all of it is soooo YESS

YESS you visualized everything what you've been talking about how reader would react when they first wake up after centuries and honestly hella realistic EVEN THOUGH I JUST WANNA HOLD READER AND KISS THEIR FOREHEAD 😭😭😭

reader interacting with the segments has my HEARTTT oh my god.. especially omega.. he's SUCH A DEVIOUS MOTHERFUCKEGUJK,,, also reader naming the segments UGHHH i adore that idea so much pleaseee ,, i love how the segments who didn't give a shit suddenly changed their minds when reader said they wanna give them names... THE SWITCH UP AND THE IMMEDIATE DENIAL...

READER MEETING BABY ZANDY ,,, FUCKINGG hell got me sooo soft i wanna hold baby zandy and treat him soo nicely 🥹🥹

ALSO YESS omgg,,, this part has me sooo fucking soft like reader making friends??? with the other harbingers??? i love it... omg they'd be such good besties with columbina,, i think pantalone helps reader adjust to present time as well, especially with it comes with money or the economy (if you ever ask him about it)

but oh.... to top it all off nicely, you gotta sneak in some subtle angst!!! smh... (im so proud of you tho!! like yasss sis feed me sad shit >:333) poor scara and reader :( i think they would've gotten along if reader wasn't dottore's lover n' scara wasn't dottore's experiment ,,,

ALL IN ALL. fuck you pookie im not excited for the next two parts (im kidding I AM IM JUST... NOT READY... pleas epost it next year so i'll be ready enough thank you /jjj) NO SERIOUSLY THIS TIME,, THIS WAS SOOO GOOOD and i love it so much, really popped off honestly (evil laughs because it's dottore)... like im soo happy to see how much you've grown esp thru writing !!!

have a good day pookie, im going back to my grave where i died for the next few days 💗💗

ALSO I WAS GONNA SEND IN ANOTHER DOTTORE IDEA but i fucking forgot again. FUCKS SAKE i hate not writing shit down...

POOKS DONT EVEN WORRY!! Just make sure to take care of yourself ok?? School can really be an ass i understand-

BUT OMG GRENFRG AHHH YOU'RE MAKING ME SMILE TOO MUCH POOKIE AHHWQ I'm so happy you liked it 🥺 BUT NGL I WANNA GIVE READER THE BIGGEST HUG TOO 😭 i put them through too much don't i 😭 dw they will be getting Dottore comfort next chapter!!

Bro i love writing Omega as a devious mf so much 😭 IM SO GLAD U LIKED THAT PART BC I WAS GIGGLING TO MYSELF ABT HOW THEY DGAF ABT THINGS BUT THEN SUDDENLY THEYRE INTERESTED WHEN UR A PART OF IT

AND YESSSS READER MAKING FRIENDS RAHHHH that part was probably really long for a Dottore fic but. i feel like having friends is so important and fragile reader really deserve some niceness in their lives 🥺 AND OMG NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT. Fragile reader would be freaking blown away from inflation. i don't know how prices were four hundred years ago but they would probably be shocked to their core when they see how much expensive things are now?? imagine fragile reader trying to stop Dottore from buying things for them because of how expensive things are now, and they're having flashbacks to being a broke Akademiya student 😭 And Dottore is just honestly finding it amusing to see you freak out and beg him to save his money (it's okay, he's a Harbinger he's loaded) (as long as he's not spending it on experiments)

BUT YEAH MAYBE IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE... reader and Scara could have been friends :( we'll never know... but yasss i will continue to feed you sad shit >:) hehe I CANT WAIT TO POST THE FINAL PART!! ngl the ending of the fic was like. the first thing i wrote for it because it hit me and i was like i CANT forget this. im telling you pookie its gonna be pretty juicy. BUT THANK YOU YOU'RE BEING SO KIND AHHH it's really sweet of you. thank you for being here for so long in my writing journey (and my descent into Dottore madness) ily 🥺

#smooches talks #moots: kai <3 #kai u should see my drafts. theres a bunch with just one sentence i quickly typed so i don't forget my ideas 😭 #giving my biggest hug to u kai #mwah mwah I MISSED U #and literally baby zandy is the cutest person ever i want to give him piggy back rides #oh my gosh i love brainrotting with u

[lovedazai]

do you have any tips for writing? i wanna write for dazai but im scared of not getting his character right or writing badly bc i was never good at english in school and were told my writing skills weren’t good, and i’ll cry if someone tells me they hate my writing or it’s bad on here so do you have any tips ? bc i love your writing sm

my sweet nonnie im hugging u so tightly !! before i start i want to tell u that out of all the x reader fandoms ive interacted w on here, i think bsd is the nicest one. i rlly dont think anyone here would tell u they hate ur writing !! but if they do, u can let me know & i’ll take care of them ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

dazai can be hard to write for so dont beat urself up nonnie :< i feel like i only have an okay time doing it bc ive been daydreaming ab him for so long. when i struggle writing other characters, i usually go back to the manga / anime & try to observe anything i can ab the way they talk, etc. u can also read other fics & see what they do w the character that u think feels right !! obvi dont copy anyone, but incorporate those characteristics into ur version of the character

dont be afraid to use ur personal experiences !! i know x readers should generally appeal to a broad audience, but making it too “one size fits all” makes it a little boring. for me, domestic moments (like waking up together, cooking together), playing with each others hair, being physically affectionate, etc are all things i associate with romance. its fun to include things like that in my fics, even if they don’t necessarily appeal to everyone

lean into details !! im a rlly visual person & i picture things in my head while i write. in the past it was rlly hard for me to expand my ideas & i found myself skipping over the little details to keep the general plot going. ive been trying to get more descriptive & include those little things & i rlly think it helps make everything feel more immersive, even if its something that isnt necessarily important to the fic

proofread !! i reread my fics probably a little too much before i post them but sometimes i think of something i didnt before & it just helps shape the fic better. also, run ur fics thru something like grammarly before u post it !! i catch a lot of silly typos that way >:/

im still kinda learning how to write too, i must have the most disjointed writing process ever omg. but something thats helped me is not to take it too seriously bc this is all just for fun !! when u start to put pressure on urself, it becomes a chore & thats when i know i need a little break.

i hope this helped at least a little bit !! if u need anything else pls don’t hesitate to come back <33 i wish u the best of luck w ur writing & i hope it becomes something u can find comfort in !!

#valentines

[djservo]

HI CAS!!! you beat me to it for real i also completely forgot about the month ending oopsie <3 but i'm here to ask about your july reading/watching and what's on the list for august??

FEELS SO GOOD TO FINALLY WIN ONE <3 here's july's (vaguely red-themed) shelf:

I have no idea how i read 7 books this month like they were mostly all under 200 pages but that still averages to almost 2 books a week which does not sound right when I reflect on my month but Ok sure we'll go with it

Loaded by Christos Tsiolkas

it didn't really click as I read it but then I watched the film adaptation (Head On '98) and let it all marinate throughout the month I think the distance has made me appreciate the story much more! reminded me a little of Camus's The Stranger (<- girl who has only ever read The Stranger LOL 🫥) in that cold disaffected "why even bother" way, but infused with that self-destructive 90s gay angst + Greek-Australian culture clashes. the film was better to me at constructing the differences of the worlds Ari (the protag) inhabited - the visuals and sounds of Greek language + spaces juxtaposed with 90s electronica + seedy alley hook-ups whereas the written form seemed more focused on illustrating Ari's disillusionment/attitude. there's another book by Tsiolkas I'm curious in (The Slap) but it's like 450 pages and IDK if his style of writing will grip me that long / if it'll feel Worth It by the time I finish ykwim... TBD

Pageboy by Elliot Page

I wanted to like this so bad but it was kinda a mess to get thru :-( nonlinear form so it was hard to follow along as it hopped back and forth from childhood to adulthood and I know that's probably an intentional/artistic choice but there wasn't really a clear thread pulling these drastically different parts of his life together where it justified this random shuffle - mostly just took me out of each stage of life he constructed. it feels unfair to criticize a memoir for content because ofc there's no right/wrong way to reflect and write about your own life experiences but I mostly agree with Nin's review on goodreads re: lack of introspection, especially since this memoir touted itself as an interrogation (as the book description puts it) of his inner journey. there was this one part where he brings up his second-ever experience at a gay bar (with Alia Shawkat!!) but abruptly stops himself and is like "but that's a story for another book" and I was like WHY THO!! this is 10000% a story for THIS book WDYM 'another book'!! sighhhh sigh whatever I still love him and will probs pick up this taunted "other book" when it comes out bc i'm a cuck

Try / Guide / Period by Dennis Cooper

the final 3 of the George Miles Cycle, read obsessively within the span of 2 weeks bc I couldn't bring myself to escape his world!! feels wrong to lump them all in one but I'll be here all day if I talk about them individually, so As A Whole I'm just really in awe of Cooper's style and characters and world-building and blurring of lines of surreal horror and violence + occasional earnest smatterings of autofiction + humanity stripped to its core. one review said the last book read as if it was collapsing into itself, and I think that translates to the series as a whole because his form seems to get more experimental as the series goes on. and while each book felt so distinct in their own tone/form, they all ultimately dissolve into like a singular bare naked truth amidst bleak depravity at the very end, which I really liked. since finishing the cycle I've immersed myself completely in interviews + videos + just about anything i can find about Cooper and realized it's been a minute since I've been this bewitched by an author — so fun!

Blood and Guts in High School by Kathy Acker

in the same realm of Cooper with dark/taboo themes + sexual transgression + teen angst. I feel like I might have been put off by this if I hadn't read Cooper first because things get so blunt and nasty at times, but I feel like I'm better at kind of poking through the rubble of like graphic depictions of moralistic decay to read between the lines/understand the bigger picture of inner-adolescent-torment. I remember watching Welcome to the Dollhouse ('95) when I was like 11 and it just seemed cool and punky and kinda funny kinda weird but then I rewatched it in my 20s and was stunned with how bleak and heavy it was and I feel like there's something there with my feelings towards these angsty teenage requiems, like there's a sort of shock value that doesn't really click when you're younger and in the thick of it because you aren't fully privvy to the extent of how harmful power dynamics work or something .. IDK much 2 think about....

Desire/Love by Lauren Berlant

not too long or dense to make your brain fog, but Freud/Lacan-packed enough to make you feel a little stupid for not reading more Freud/Lacan. I love when I read a nonfiction book and end up adding 458349 of its references to my TBR, it's truly the gift that keeps giving! kinda enlightening, kinda disheartening. made me think of when I read Venus in Furs in college and it rocked my world and put me into a crisis about love + desire + fantasies + the projections we place onto people + whether or not anyone can truly See and Love a person for who they are or if we're all just doomed to subconsciously inject our own imagination of who they can be in our lives ...... light summer reading!

viewing-wise I've taken on the thankless task of watching all 48534 Friday the 13th movies so once I finish I'm sure I'll need a slasher break. a friend and i are also summer buddy reading starting with A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf (my first Woolf!), then pivoting to a sorta dark boyhood in classic lit theme with Quarry by Jane White, Lord of the Flies by William Golding, and Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury. I'll probably read other books on the side myself (I'm in the middle of Looking For Mr. Goodbar right now) but I'm excited at the thought of a themed plan + discussions for the month(s) ahead! i forget sometimes how rewarding it feels to experience and unpack a book with someone else <3

#ok i need a nap now #asks #cheesehair #reads

[djsadbean]

Do you have any tips/suggestions for making OCs?

character design plays a big role. a lot of what I've learned is from reflecting on why I like certain characters and watching videos from Brookes Eggleston - Character Design Forge (i will ALWAYS recommend him hehehe)

(here are some AMAZING resources and what i do personally to make my characters and write them thru comics and text)

here's some good ones:

5 Ways to Make a Character More Likable

How To Make Original Characters People Care About

How To Make Good Flaws vs Bad Flaws for Likable Characters

4 Original Character Pitfalls

I usually go about designing characters that are fairly easy for me to draw over and over. if i get stressed out drawing this oc simply standing, i wont enjoy drawing them in other stuff. I also like to give myself little "treats" while drawing. for example: for Cherie, i really like drawing her chubby face, heart blush, and big cute eyes. for Selena, ive been having so much fun drawing her hair and playing with gravity with it (like when the wind blows her front hair sways hehe).

I also make sure their personalities are enjoyable to read as much as possible. for amazo, he's a goofy hero who tries his absolute best to be the hero the city needs him to be and the partner Steven needs him to be but there's always an internal struggle between balancing the two and he's so critical of himself when he can't do it all. this tells the reader that he's got a very strict moral compass and he's very selfless but knows how to liven the mood and is very creative in how he entertains others and himself. I made Selena for the "Amazo-era" because his pursuit of control and her pursuit of chaos and goofs compliment each other perfectly storytelling-wise.

also I try to limit what i describe so bluntly bc its so much more fun to learn about a character through storytelling like comics, fics, etc. because the reader gets the chance to understand this character like unfolding a mystery and it's very enjoyable. im sure if she-ra released a bunch of infodumping character sheets before we saw the show, we probably wouldn't have cared bc we wouldn't have gotten to understand her complex character through the relationships and struggles she forms and faces in the show. humans like putting together pieces! we are a species that likes solving puzzles a LOT. i have an amazing friend that i infodump to and i love them so much <3 that way the readers can discover the characters themselves but u can still give into the infodumping urge LOL

funny enough drawing your oc in a bunch of different situations will make u a better artist sometimes even unknowingly xD if u look at my art before and after i started drawing amazo like everyday, you'd see MAJOR improvement xD i had no idea that was happening bc i was just goofin' and drawing whatever but it really helped!

i hope these tips help <3 ocs are so fun to draw and write!

#djsadbean answers #writing reference #art reference #art resources

[golbrocklovely]

I sincerely hope colby finds a girl that isn’t toxic (like the other ones you mentioned because let’s be honest those are the vibes they give off) seeing all these games that are being played just proves to everyone that colby hasn’t found “the one” yet. I believe if he did find that girl all this would stop (let’s hope so but I think it would) but knowing colby and the hopeless romantic he is it’s probably not gonna stop anytime soon until that girl finally comes into his life.

also you mentioning colby hates being alone, that man needs therapy bad instead of using these girls for attention 😭 lord help this man please. let’s hope he realizes how toxic it is and gets the help he needs. attachment and abandonment issues are hard to deal with trust me I know, but if it’s that bad to the point he can’t be alone he needs to talk to a professional. it’s always nice to have people to talk to about your issues with but these women are not going to “fix” you. it’s not anyone job in your friend group to do that. I just hope he gets better with whatever is going on in his head.

i would love for colby to find someone that isn't toxic that either he can be with romantically or just have as a friend. i think there are some girl he's friends with that aren't like that, but it's just these main two that play games equally as much as he does.

maybe he needs a woman to put him in his place lol

and as for him needing therapy…. yeah. you and i aren't the only ones who think that.

interestingly enough, i never mentioned this on here, but one day i was scrolling thru snc's facebook page and saw a video that was posted that was old snapchats made into one video. and this was back when they had the life project, so circa 2016. colby in his snapchat was talking about something called "danger zones", basically places where your mind tends to wander into negative thoughts/overthinking. and this man, outright, listed pretty much any time of day he was alone. literally he said when he would first get up in the morning, when he was showering, tanning at the pool, eating…. like these were all places he tended to overthink at/during. and bc of that, he (in his own words) must avoid these places, or avoid overthinking in these places at all costs. he gave the example that in the morning, bc he tended to get overwhelmed while he was getting ready for the day, he would just…. speed rush getting ready so he didn't have time to think. he said he needed to constantly preoccupy his mind.

and he wasn't saying this as like "dear lord i'm overthinking too much", this was him saying "guys, you too should also avoid danger zones." which…. babe, if you can't be alone with your thoughts for two seconds, please seek therapy. i mean that with all the sincerity in the world.

like i get the idea in theory, but again - if you can't be alone at any point during the day without it being an issue, something's wrong.

and while i don't think he's like that anymore, that type of constant overthinking doesn't just go away. i love colby, truly; but i think there is a lot more darkness in him than he admits to. maybe that's just me trying to relate to him, or see something in him that i see in myself. for all i know he's extremely healthy mentally and i'm just reading into something that isn't there. but from the things he himself has admitted to - attachment issues, commitment issues, overthinking, not being able to trust ppl, pushing ppl away, emotional unavailability, not being able to get out bed for weeks on end (back in 2019), being on the verge of vomiting due to anxiety, ect - personally to me that reads as someone that needs therapy. and…. someone that probably has some form of depression and definitely some form of anxiety.

now, i'm not diagnosing him. i know nothing. but as someone who has depression and anxiety, it's hard not to see myself in some of the shit he does. and even if, for argument's sake, nothing was wrong with him mentally, there's nothing wrong with seeking therapy regardless. everyone needs therapy.

#ask #personal #colby brock #part of me doesn't want to tag his name but at the same time.... baby boy needs therapy #and maybe he'll see this and get some

[manyblinkinglights]

Late reply re: AnyTaur raw chicken creature, but i did get it to work and the forelimb locomotion is absolutely gorgeous! I cannot laud your framework enough for how well it manages to handle a diversity of bodyplans merely through tweaking with the script! holy shit! 10/10 would reccomend to anyone with a quad or taur they wanna skip around as in vrc

(sorry for the low quality image, I'm away from home right now and all I've got is a really crunchy Twitter video of him walking around)

I'm apparently having problems with the chair/station for riding on the thing's back? I don't have any way to test it myself, but according to my friends, attempting to sit on the thing throws them off the map and into who-knows-where. if you have any idea why that may be happening..? idk a damn thing about stations in vrc, and worst comes to worst the option to turn off the chair works fine, so if this is actually probably just a me problem, no need to mull over it.

Additionally: the sit/lay/stand up poses in the radial menu seem to be Supremely Fucked. i know in some of your older YouTube anytaur videos,(back when the orrery appeared to be called helpers) there looks to be stuff like sit offsets and angles? is there any modern equivalent to that, or is sit like. automatically calculated from the leg chain response angles? once again not a huge deal because every other pose and option works wonderfully (including all the absolutely delightful dances, highlight of my life) and I don't see myself using stuff like the sit radial poses often, but I can't help being curious nonetheless.

Anyways. Thank you again for this tool; you really are doing witchcraft when it comes to this stuff and i cannot praise you enough. (I'll see to getting you a donation thru itch to express my gratitude more tangibly, as soon as I'm home and i remember to set up an account or whatever, because god damn do you deserve it imo. value of service or whatever.) Best of luck to you with all your endeavors! Yippie!!!

Okay lol the chair I know exactly why and I keep forgetting it’s turbofucked. I just CANNOT get the script to autogenerate a working chair. What you’ll have to do is FIND the chair, and then fix it yourself; you need to refresh the enter/exit references I think? Right now it’s trying to reach back to an anytaur that doesn’t exist but you need to put YOUR anytaur’s references in there. That’s the basic issue. Bad references in the thing. It’s been a while since i looked at it so idk what they are just. fix all of them in the chair itself. which is in the Orrery somewhere??? Which is unnecessary??? But that’s where it is (for reasons) (irrelevant to you) (shapeshifting/legacy and organizational reasons). You could just put a permanent chair directly on your BEND bone yourself and be fine (or hind.spine if you want your passengers to have a slightly smoother ride).

Yeah your custom poses will have to be retailored per-avatar. I think the script TRIES to walk you through it but you may wish to simply remove menu references to them if it’s too much to deal with. Basically copy your working avatar, hide your original, use the script to put the copy in POSE CLONE MODE, and then you re-record the custom poses moving ONLY the poseclone .001 bones! Your real bones should move with the poseclone .001 bones so you can see what you’re doing; this is the purpose of POSE CLONE MODE. Once the existing custom pose .anim files have been recorded over to suit your particular avatar, you can delete the copied av and reupload your main one. It will use the anims you just fixed and should work fine. A note: all custom pose animations are ROTATION ONLY, except for iirc hind.chest and hind.hips, which DO keep position information, since the constraints to those body parts are parent constraints. These are also the main culprits in making you befuckt, especially hind.hips.

The slow trickle of people actually up to working with my project is like the northern lights to me. You are all aurora magic and I am blessed to behold your journey. I’m so glad your little guy is working correctly!!!!!!

#anytaur

[stanloona707]

꧁Hallway Crush꧂

Finney's POV:

I sat in my math class, my heart beating against my chest like a race car, tapping my finger onto the desk impatiently waiting for the bell to ring.

As soon as it rang I got up quickly from my desk leaving the classroom ignoring my teacher who tried to stop me from leaving the classroom, I couldn't wait! This was my only chance I could see him. My crush Bruce Yamada.

I always take the same root as him, every time I did I couldn't help myself but to stare at him...he was so handsome my god the way he made my heart beat every time I passed by him and his scent of his cologne smells amazing. I would do anything to just snuggle my face onto his chest.

Ok ok finney calm down you are being a massive creep and you should control yourself please oh my god.

I had thoughts rushing thru my head that I wasn't watching where I was going and then I felt my head bump into someone's chest.

"I'm sorry! Are you okay?" That voice oh my god it's Bruce! I couldn't move I just looked up slightly to look at him, I didn't notice he had his hands on my shoulders I was blushing red as a tomato.

"Umm Finney?"

I was so lost into his beauty that I didn't even realised I had my hands gently on his waist I panicked.

"I'm sorry! I-I- I got to go!" I ran away to my next class embarrassed everyone in the hall must have seen me ! God...my reputation it's already bad it's going to get worse now...

I was so caught up once again that I accidentally bumped into someone else causing them to stumble a bit. Oh my god it was Vance Hopper. Holy shit I'm going to get my ass beaten!!

"What the fuck is your problem!!"

"N-nothing! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to bump into you!"

I tried to leave but he just grabbed my arm and yanked me back "you are going to pay for messing with me you little shit!".

"No please! I'm sorry I really am! I'll do anything! Please don't hit me!" I put his hands over my head as defence.

"Anything?"

"Yes anything!"

Vance put his fist down "give me your number"

"What?"

"You heard me give me your number"

"o-ok?.."

I wrote my number down on a piece of paper and handed it to Vance who snatched it out of my and walked away.

"Why would he want my number for ???.."

*After School*

I felt my phone vibrate as a call was entering from an unknown number. I sighed as I answered the call and pulling the phone up to my ear.

"H-hello?" I said nervous since it was Vance calling me

"Hey Blake..I want you to go out with-"

"You want me to go out with you?!"

"No dumbass! Let me speak!, I want you to go out with one of my friends.."

"Oh! Phew..."

"Oh uh I don't know Vance I-"

"Just do it! They like you a lot just give him a chance and you better not hurt his feelings or else I'm going to bust your ass"

"I uh *sighs* fine I'll go out with him"

------

Once I reached home I eat dinner and then took a shower and got ready for the one sided blind date, I wonder who the guy is, I sighed as I put on my bag.

"Where are you going?" Gwen asked sitting in the living room seeing me open the door to leave all fancy.

"I'm going out on a date..."

"Ooo with who?" She asked curiously

"I'm going to be honest....I have no idea"

"What. I thought you finally shoot your shot with Bruce???"

I sighed yeah right like that will ever happen..I'm way out of his league he's so handsome, popular and probably straight...

Unlike me I'm ugly a loser and a gay guy who has a crush on him.

"No that would never happen Gwen he would never be interested in someone like me especially because I'm a a guy...I really wish it was a date with Bruce though, makes me second think to actually go on this date I don't want anyone from school seeing me go on a date with a rando I don't even know".

--------

I finally arrived and sat at a table, Vance texted me saying my date was still not here so I had time to prepare myself for the best or the worst....

As I took out a mirror from my bag and checked to see if I look good I noticed from my mirror seeing someone so familiar.

My jaw dropped to the floor it was BRUCE YAMADA!!!

What was he doing here?! No! He can't see me going out on a date with someone !! He will think I'm taken and not single..

I kept observing him thru my mirror he was just standing in the corner standing, slightly rocking back and forth looking nervous.

I put my mirror down was he here for a date too?! No way...so I was right I sighed in disappointment I looked back and then saw a girl from my class it was Donna her and Bruce were talking.

Donna had her hand on his shoulder while they were talking.

So his date is Donna of course if would be her she's popular and pretty just like Bruce.

I didn't even feel like having this date anymore if it means seeing Bruce and Donna together it would hurt to much.

I got up to leave and ditch Vance's Friend but as I turned to leave I bumped into someone's chest again, I slightly looked up and it was BRUCE YAMADA?!!!?!?!!!!!?!!!?!!&&&&&&&?&?&

"Oh hey Finney! You made it" Bruce said smiling, wait what?...IS BRUCE MY SECRET BLIND DATE?! "Oh! Y-y-yeah! I did!" I spoke sitting back down at the booth Bruce smiled as he sat at the opposite chair from mine.

"I'm glad you agreed to come out on a date with me"

End.

#the black phone #finney blake #bruce yamada #tbp fanfic #vance hopper #mlm #hallway crush #Spotify

[ecoamerica]

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[demonicintegrity]

just wanted to pop in and say that, as a non-ww fan who's been on almost all possible sides of the allegations (been sxually groomed, become codependent on someone w/o their intent, + had sm1 codependent on me w/o my intent), i fully agree w yr take! i get why ppl were/might still be sus due to how the screenshots r presented but even taking all the evidence at face value it doesn't seem "cancel" worthy.

i don't doubt op's feelings + ik how intense it can feel when ur codependent on sm1 but not enough ppl know it can happen w/o the other person cultivating it. ww could have recognized the iffyness of getting involved w a fan in that way + been more understanding of ops mental illness tho often its hard 4 ppl to comprehend how much sm1 else idolizes them esp if they're a small local celeb. it rly seems 2 me like a mutually toxic relationship w real hurt on both ends.

i rly truly feel 4 the op + understand how he was hurt by ww's actions, i hope he can heal n grow from it. it's also so common for ppl w codependent tendencies to feel like they're less at fault for their unhealthy relationships n that's a huge problem that causes these cycles to repeat. but the arguing abt how u can't be groomed if 18+ or a SW (or even naturally tend to be codependent) only hurts real ppl who have been thru it.

i hate 2 see all the victim blaming n debunking n hate toward op! but i think any misrepresentation was a result of his hurt + effect it truly did have on him. ultimately it shouldve stayed private + i find the idea of canceling sm1 due to having an overall unhealthy relationship in the past unsettling. sorry this is so long + thanks 4 putting a sympathetic and logical voice out there!

You’re good nonny, and my thoughts exactly. Op was clearly hurt by this relationship and I will never ever deny him that. I want him to find peace and get better. But how he presented the evidence just doesn’t show any sort of intentional abuse. I’m not saying it’s not possible, the story as he presented it doesn��t even paint Will as that bad of a guy.

I get that Op doesn’t care about listening to Will’s music and it’s more about protecting people from the person, but as I said in the post, the only lesson I gleaned was “watch your codependency and communication issues.” It was never about cancelling, (which is such a stupid fucking fake concept of how consequences are dealt with but that’s a separate discussion.) it was about preventing more hurt and I think that’s a good stand Op is trying to take. A noble one, especially since he opened up during a spiral to do so.

Honestly I think the screenshots of former bandmates saying Will was an asshole holds more weight against his character than Op’s original claims. I still don’t know what exactly my conclusion of it is, because I know nothing about Will’s life let alone his bandmates so I’m still piecing the picture. I put a link to those in the replies of my original post.

I just feel so exceptionally blind and in the dark regarding all this because I have literally only heard Will speak outside of listening to his music once, and that’s because I came across an old stand up clip unintentionally on YouTube. I truly know absolutely nothing about the band as people and that’s why I keep holding my judgments until smth “more concrete” even if realistically these are probably the mostly the evidence will go.

But yea, the absolutely nasty response Op has gotten is awful. It’s partially why I wrote the post, hoping people would learn to have more sympathy for him. I don’t want to assume intentional foul play from him (outside of posting the nude, which is illegal and wrong and unnecessary.) because I know the talks of whether or not said pic was doctored are around, as well as how legitimate the insta convos are and smth about the timeline math. I’m not involving myself in any of that because I am not the person to deduce those kinds of things. For sake of giving Op the benefit of the doubt, I’m assuming this things are legitimate and the slip ups (like how I pointed the change of social media in the post) we’re just genuine human slip ups.

As you said, the derogatory remarks around Op are practically worse the Op’s original claim. Perpetuating an idea that only a certain type of person can experience abuse is very wrong and dangerous. Even I think as the story stands now it wasn’t abuse, I would never say op or anyone in a similar place isn’t capable of being abused. I worry about how that narrative could take off.

#will wood #ask #discourse

[xaviernottheprofessor]

Entry #001

A journal a day, keeps the doctor away. Or some dramatic shit like that. 

I’m doing it. I’m finally writing in here. I’m still not convinced this will help me much but I guess I understand the appeal. Fitting that I’d purchase my first notebook in New York City. It’s one that I had been eyeing to write some of my ‘go to jokes’. You know, the type you store in your comedic arsenal to drop on someone when you’re literally out of words to say. I decided to use my phone notes for that instead. Turns out, since the break-up, I’ve needed those notes opened more often than not. So I guess I’ll begin there. Social interaction has been strained. A lot more than usual. Before, I’d do well enough to get by. I mean, I’ll give myself more credit. Dr. Kennedy believes I should so yeah, I got by really well. Now, not even masking does the trick. There are days I really feel like my mattress could swallow me up and I’d be better off if it did. But then I think about who’s going to tell Emmie that my mattress swallowed me up. No one. And you know what happens next. She ends up losing it. 

God, I’m cheeky even in my journal entries. So what do I do? I know that it’s a big deal to give myself a pat on the back for trying. I got out of bed, I put on some clothes, I ate a meal, I smiled a little, I text a friend, I flew out to New York, I worked. I did it. I did good today. And yet, I feel like the perpetual sadness will never leave me. Not to be dramatic but I never thought it would be this difficult. Then again, I never thought it would happen. Athena keeps sending me break-up Tik Tok videos which she now by the way blames me for break-up Tik Tok being her FYP. Anyway, she sends me these videos and it’s all about people who went through it and then three months later had a massive glow-up. I’m lucky if I look good enough to be on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. I still don’t know how I’ll make that photo shoot tomorrow. Glow ups? More like let me go back to bed, please. 

It’s strange that the height of my sadness is occurring during the height of my career. This somehow makes me more interesting. Sure, people want to see my acting chops and are excited to bring me on to projects but they’re also curious about me and my old relationship and Ship Wrecked. It’s a weird and unsatisfying thing that’s happening to me right now. I feel like I’m living in some parallel universe. Hopefully the hype doesn’t disappear when my I guess eventual glow-up does occur. Then what? I’ll only have my pretty face left. Jokes. 

Speaking of pretty faces, I finally got to meet Henry and the sad thing about THAT is he had been DMing me for about a month to try to get together and I’ve been that oblivious of the world around me. When I asked why not text me? He kinda brushed it off as, he didn’t want to bother me. He’s kind that one. He’s got like kind eyes and he laughs at my jokes. Probably a little too much but I think that’s because he knows my mattress is coming for me. He checks on me like every 5 minutes and I have to remind him I’m not going to self combust...yet. He refuses to believe that. For someone who’s personally known me (and not thru biased commentary from my friends Thomas and Celeste) for only a day and a half, he has an optimistic view of how things will turn out. I’ll get the love of my life, he tells me. I’m inclined to believe him after a few glasses of wine. 

I think I’ve made a new friend in him which is always nice. The world always needs new friends, allies, people who will check on you every 5 minutes and throw contracts at you when you’re not adjusting to reality. Khamani brought me animal fries and Celeste keeps Raj off the conversation which is also good for me. Frankie just sends a meme and then tell me they love me. Their way of making me believe that there is no side taking. I know there isn’t. And Amaya...tries because the idea of giving up hardly makes sense for her. Too bad Raj and I seem to be on a different plane of thought. Juni and Chris have also been the friends I needed. Chris keeps me busy with work and good conversation. Juni brings in the laughs (and unknowingly so). Bless all their hearts. I love them. 

It’s hard for me to think about how much I miss him even when I’m being told to do just that. Work through my crap all of that therapeutic stuff that gets thrown at you. It’s hard because it hurts and lately what happens is the more I think about it, the angrier I get and the last thing I want is to turn any good memories I have into bad ones. I’d rather live in my deniability a bit longer. But I do miss him. More than I’ll have have the chance to tell him. That’s the worst part of it all. Closure isn’t even on the radar for us. 

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got right now. I wish I had more. New York City is just as I left it, SF is probably the same. London is just a fog of memories. Someday, I’ll feel settled enough to call one of them home. Until then, I’ll try to keep writing in here. 

#( journal. ) #tw: depression

[meat-huge-pain-endless]

huge vent post feel free to ignore✌️

tw just in case tho for depression, anxiety, suicide/suicidal ideation, death, disordered eating, drug use, dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization

i need someone to come put a straight jacket on me i ruin everything i fucking touch i don’t want to be a bother but im desperate to be known so i spill my guts just for them to get trampled. and i really do let everyone walk all over me. i assume that every other human being on the planet knows better than me about everything and i will tolerate literally an treatment so long as you’re a little bit nice to me sometimes, or even if you just tell me that you are ill probably believe you. my self esteem is so fucking low plus i can’t ever rlly tell what’s true anymore. my memory is so fucking bad like the amount of times a day i forget what im saying mid-sentence and then forget what i had just said and then forget what i was even talking about in the first place is genuinely embarassing. it’s so fucking humiliating actually like i am so out of it all of the time and i can never tell if it’s bc im dissociating or bc im dehydrated or bc i didn’t sleep or bc i haven’t eaten or bc i forgot to take my adhd meds or bc i hit the pen at 9:30am again or bc i DIDNT hit the pen but i have brain fog from smoking the night before and at this point it’s probably all of it all the time like it is so bad. ive never been worse in my life i don’t think. again i wouldn’t rlly know. all my memories feel a million miles away. im alone in my dorm room rn bc my roommate and our other friend went to our other other friend’s dorm to hang out. if i think about it too hard ill probably start crying. i was crying before they were even out the door.

everyone told me college is where you meet “your people.” the friends you have for the rest of your life. why do i have about 3 friends total (as in i actually hang out with them outside of classes/club meetings/school events/etc) and why do none of them feel like they’re actually my friends. oh wait actually i know why that is. it’s because i don’t feel like im real when im at college. that’s how i felt last year (like school year, and it was awful btw, thought it was the worst year of my life but then this semester happened and now im not so sure) but it just occurred to me that im feeling the same way except this time i wasn’t so alarmed by it bc i got used to it. like this is baseline college feeling for me. the worst part of it all is that everything is actually all my fault. like for real not sarcasm. my anxiety is so fucking severe and i didn’t realize it at all until recently when i started having more frequent panic attacks. i cry most days. i hyperventilate way too easily. i walk thru the world just going about my everyday life with the anxiety levels of an animal being hunted for sport. like literally if i accidentally do something wrong in public like the smallest tiniest stupidest mistake like pushing on a pull door or something i get so embarrassed it like so very seriously and genuinely the idea of people thinking that im stupid or laughing at me makes me want to die like seriously kill myself dead and i cannot overstate that im so scared of what people thjnk of me all the time.

oh and did i mention i also literally never stop thinking? overanalyzing everything i do and say and everything everyone else does and says to me and im always worried that my friends hate me or secretly think im an awful person or im thinking about things that they might potentially hate me for later down the line and sometimes i try to preemptively circumvent that by randomly being like “hey if i ever [insert thing im worried might potentially make them not like me anymore] just know that it’s not because [reason i think it might make them potentially not like me]” OH and i also all the time will ask my friends if they think im a bad person which is like so insane of me actually like why the fuck do i do that THIS IS WHAT I MEANT AT THE BEGINNING!!!! PUT ME IN A STRAIGHTJACKET CUT OFF MY GODDAMN HANDS JUST PLEASE DO SOMETHJNG because no matter what i fucking do i always end up crawling to SOMEONE to beg them for reassurance or tell them something that will make them worry about me (sometimes im not even aware im doing that one!) because i just need someone to care. i need someone to care about me or else im not real. (i feel like i only exist contextually but i don’t have time to get into all that right now). but then i get embarrassed for needing something. the fact that i have needs and wants and desires is the most embarrassing thing in the world. asking for what i want and need is the most mortifying torturous experience in the world. i hate being vulnerable.

i want to be cared for without judgement. i want to stop feeling like i am hard to like and even harder to love. i want to stop feeling tired all the time. i want to stop feeling miserable all the time. i want to feel like im real, like i actually exist. i don’t want to die, but i don’t want to live either. i think the only thing about death that still scares me is the fact that i would have to go alone. but the idea of infinite nothingness sounds like a dream. it’s so loud in my head all the time. i just want it all to stop.

#im sorry y'all #i just needed to put all of this somewhere that wasn't my brain #anyways #i sincerely hope that you are all doing better than i am right now #i'll b ok eventually tho

[uuuuuugh0-0]

How do people just sleep. Like not get out of bed past your alarm or fall asleep during the day or whatever. How are people out here like "I cannot actually function without this basic need being met to a certain threshold so I'm going to meet that threshold"

Like. I've walked past all of the "hey, fucking, stop, eat, sleep, don't do the thing that's making you panic" alarms until I started having seizures about it and now I just have like. Absolutely no idea how to chose when to do something I don't want to and when it's gonna be a Bad Idea. Like I can more or less feel it when I'm coming up on the Total Shutdown threshold but summer experiences suggest if I push against that bar all the time it gets lower...AND ALSO I have genuine tendencies towards inaction that I don't like and aren't helpful to my self regulation either, writing off every bad day as "well I guess I just CANT" is not liberating to me because that day becomes several days, I don't eat, I don't exercise, I start chainsmoking and drinking 24/7 cuz I'm bored, and then I basically don't get out of it until I'm so miserable it flips to mania unless I have really serious irl support like people feeding me or at the very least someone around doing body doubling stuff

I feel like some answer to this is "maybe you just need a carer" but I'm gonna fucking ignore that one bc that's not a feasible relationship dynamic for me in the world I live in and I'd rather get fucked up sick myself than put myself and someone else in the kind of situations that I see caretaker relationships playing out in in my circles; like I've seen exactly zero good models for this shit. Probably I do need better skills for asking for help tho, I just don't actually know whst I need help with that's achievable. I'm tryina get a service dog in the next year or so but that's a Big project and I need like, several financial stability things to happen first--not like, normie levels of sinking thousands and thousands of dollars but I need to get thru some basic needs and then be doing slightly better on monthly bills than I am now to add a dependent while staying here and not having to go travel.

I mean generally the move right now is to just do my best with what I've got and just expect things to fluctuate a lot for the next several months, it's what I've been doing and it's helping and im making progress on all these questions and I think I'm doing an okay job at supporting my friends. I just don't want where I'm at capacity wise to be long term and I want to have better tools to roll with the fluctuations, even tho it's not ever gonna be sure or perfect I at least want to have a less terrifying time and feel less like I'm just reacting to emergency levels of Sick every time. Probably a lot of that is just emotional work but I still majorly lack skills relating to using material disability management tools and I would like more of those and more access to the couple tools that actually are more intuitive to me.