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mintmatcha · 6 months

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one, two, and....

Hanamaki x reader x Matsukawa

cw: cisfem reader, threesome, PIV sex, squirting

a/n: I've been working on this forever and I think it's time to release it into the world. Originally it was supposed to have three different endings to choose from, so maybe one day I'll release the Snyder Cut With all three lol!

"I've been thinking of starting an OnlyFans."

You and Makki turn to your friend, sharing identical blank expressions. Mattsun doesn't crack a smile, eyes never leaving the television screen. With a few swipes of his thumbs, the dark-haired man has knocked your video game character off of the map with absolutely no mercy, forcing you to half heartedly return to playing.

"You kinda gotta be hot for that," Makki chides. He's been dead for a while now, so he just tosses his controller to the side. He's on the other side of his friend, leaning back away from the arm of the couch with a half-cocked smile.

"I am hot. Like, really hot," Mattsun replies, "And I have a pornstar cock."

A heat washes over your face and drains down your whole body. You can't deny it: Matsukawa Issei is hot. Like, really hot. Even in the low light, with only the neon flickering of the television illuminating the sharp angles of his face, he's beautiful. Heavy lidded eyes and thin lips that break into a troublesome grin-- it's almost tragic how beautiful he is.

You'd give your right leg for either of them to think of you as anything other than a 'bro'.

"Shut the fuck up." You're jamming the controller too hard and the plastic whines under the pressure, " 'Pornstar cock.' As if. You're such an asshole."

"Nah, that's true. He does have a massive cock." Makki nods, sticking his tongue through the gap between his canine and molar. He's cuter than his dark haired friend, with round cheeks that dimple when he laughs and round eyes that almost disappear when he smiles. It's a different type of hot-- an imperfect one that you crave all the same.

"Oh, you've seen his dick?" you ask, a bit sarcastically. They did play sports in high school; it's possible a penis popped out in the changing rooms.

"Duh." Makki puffs his chest, "We've had a threeway."

That's news. A sticky, dark feeling clings to your chest. It's wrong of you to want either of them, and yet you want both-- the idea that someone else beat you to it makes your stomach flip.

“It was a good one too.” Mattsun says. He doesn't even bawk, clearly more concerned with the game than this.

“Aww, it’s always good with you, babe.” Makki blows a kiss, with a flourish of his wrist, "That hand job? Phenomenal."

Your character dies in a blaze of color and lights, it's sad little noise soon drowned out by victory music. Mattsun tosses his controller to the side, pumping his fist in a rather calm victory. You quickly exit out of the game and let the opening screen loop, your mood soured.

"You guys are just fucking with me,” you grumble.

“Like I’d ever joke about sex.” Makki sends you a wink and you hate that it makes your cheeks a little hot.

“It’s the only thing he takes seriously," Mattsun agrees. They both elbow each other conspiratorially, sharing a laugh that might be at your expense. Mattsun’s dark eyes flicker to you and his wolfish smile grows toothier as he draws his gaze down, raking over every inch of your body. Oh, they are definitely lying. Your jealousy immediately drains from your body.

“Are you -?”

You interrupt Mattsun before he can even finish.

“Prove it then."

Both men turn in unison, Makki’s eyes wide and Mattsun’s narrowed.

“Prove you’re had a threesome,” you clarify with a shrug. Your voice is dripping with victory and you can barely keep the grin from your face.

“How can we prove that?” Mattsun laughs, “I didn’t take pictures.”

You pretend to think about it for a moment. “Kiss each other.”

“What?” It's Makki's turn to laugh.

“Kiss each other,” you repeat, making a jerk off motion in the air, “You guys rubbed cocks, but you won’t kiss? Really?”

They share a quick glance, communicating silently between themselves with fleeting expressions and pointing chins. Mattsun suddenly scoffs, turning back to you with a raised brow. Neither of them say anything and you know you’re won.

“‘I’m going to start an OnlyFans,’” you taunt, “‘I have a huge cock.’ ‘I’ve had so many threesomes.’ You’re such bad liars.”

Makki moves first. He presses forward on to his hands, gripping his friend’s thigh as he leans in head first. He lingers in the lack of space he's created, nose brushing up against his friends. They share a couple of unheard words before Mattsun closes the gap between them with a lazy tilt of his head, lips just barely touching the others in the faintest of kisses. Before you can claim that a kiss that chaste doesn’t count, Makki moves again, swinging a leg over to straddle Mattsun in a practiced move. You gasp out loud as they meet again, mouths parted and tongue sliding against each other.

Then, it’s a tangle. Mattsun’s fingers are woven into strawberry blonde hair, dragging him closer to catch Makki’s lip in between his teeth. He seems to enjoy the pain; Makki’s hums of approval rumble so deep you can feel it resonate in your chest, filling the space between your ribs with a burning desire. Hands wander, gripping shirts and hips and the back of each other's necks, barely giving them space to pull in a breath. It’s pornographic, the way they grind into each other, rutting like dogs. If it's an act- it’s a good one. Through the thick fabric of his jeans, you swear you can see the outline of Makki’s cock against his thigh, waiting for attention.

You want attention too-- you're dripping for it. You push back into the arm of the couch and clamp your legs together, hoping to smother the want that's built there. Part of you wonders if they’d ever notice if your hand slipped down the front of your pants; they’re so lost in the moment that you think they’ve forgotten you exist.

Just as you debate it, hand on the buckle of your belt, Makki’s head snaps your way knowingly. The dark haired man doesn't stop though; Mattsun's lips immediately latch onto the base of his neck, sucking a hickey on to freckled skin.

“C’mere.” There’s a pitch to Makki's voice as teeth sink in right before his Adam's apple. "C'mere."

There’s no time to hesitate. Makki’s hand clamps around your ankle and tugs, sliding you closer and trapping your legs between the men’s bodies. You barely manage to remain sitting up and you almost immediately regret not falling over. Makki is too close, watching you with a hazed over expression that makes your stomach twist tight.

Somehow, Mattsun is unphased, eyes so heavily lidded that you can barely make out how they flicker to you. At least, you think he’s unaffected, until one of his fingers catches under one of your belt loops. They pull you closer together, folding you until you're angled awkwardly beside them, legs still trapped.

"I-" you start, a pant to your voice. Sometimes you forget how tall they both are, but right now you are very aware; they both tower over you, a hunger in their eyes you barely recognize. "You guys-"

"Dude," Makki's breath tickles against your cheek, "Shut up."

"Yeah." Mattsun agrees into the soft of your neck, sarcastic as always, "Read the room."

The chaos of both of them slowly envelops you. Makki's lips meet yours as Mattsun's teeth nip and all you can do is gasp as every nerve in your body flares. It's overwhelming to be the center of both of their desires, being tugged and pulled back and forth, someone's hands digging into the soft of your stomach, someone else unbuttoning your pants.

When you break away to breathe, Mattsun is there, catching you right where Makki left off. He kisses differently- lazier, slower. His counterpart kissed you so roughly your lips burn where his teeth once were; Mattsun approaches with a feather touch, barely enough to satiate your need for him.

Hands snake across your back and around to your tits, greedily cupping them through your shirt. Somehow, you've migrated, now straddling Mattsun's lap with Makki at your back. Your bra gaps and gives and Makki grumbles in annoyance.

“Issei,” You’ve never heard Makki use his first name before, “Unhook her bra.”

Mattsun finishes the kiss, lingering, savoring, watching with his deep, dreamy eyes.

“Do it yourself.” His voice is practically a sigh. You want to melt into him, sinking into him to slot your mouths together.

"You know, last week Issei over here told me how bad he wants to suck your tits," Makki whispers into the shell of your ear. A warm touch slips under your shirt and your bra suddenly feels loose. You lean back enough to give the blonde enough space to go back to kneading your breasts and this time his long fingers roll your nipple between them, "He's been hard for you for a while now.'

A twitch has started in your legs, trembling tight as the hot feeling inside you screws tighter and tighter. The way your jeans sit gives you nothing to grind against, not even the rock hard cock that's pressed into your thigh. It's thick -- much thicker than you expected.

"I wanna suck them too, obviously," Makki continues, "I wanna put my mouth everywhere."

He pecks your earlobe. "Wanna suck your clit while you struggle to take Issei's cock."

Mattsun hums in approval as he grabs your hips, tugging your hips impossibly closer, "If she can even take it."

That turns your core molten. They want you-- they want you the way you want them. You wish they'd keep talking and blab about all of their dirty whims and wants-

"Yeah," you breathe, "Yeah, I can take it."

Mattsun slips his hand from your legs and ghosts them up to your waistband. The open button of your jeans makes it easy for him to slide in, dipping down under your panties. His fingers are wide, brushing against the cleft of your pussy delicately.

"She isn't shaved." He talks like you aren't there, looking over your shoulder to his friend.

"Oh, I like that," Makki chirps. The ministrations haven't stopped; he's still rolling and squeezing and pinching, watching for what makes you wiggle and gasp. He finds a good motion just as the heel of Mattsun's palm grinds against your clit. Those massive fingers waste no time, forcing their way inside you. The suddenness stretches you tender.

All three sensations combine and suddenly your brain is fuzzy-- your eyes can even stay focused. It's too much, it's not enough; you squirm and you can't tell if you're trying to get away or get more.

"Oh shit," Mattsun chuckles, scissoring his fingers side to side. This time you yelp-- mostly out of surprise -- and that spurs him on further. "There's no way you're fitting me. Fuck, I don't know if you'd fit Hiro."

"You're making me sound shrimpy."

"Shrimpier than me."

"I'm not shrimpy! Dude's like, inches longer than the national average. I've checked."

"You named your cock Dude?"

"Oi, it's a good-"

You cut in, voice flat. You love them both, but the quips just aren't that sexy when you're those horny, "Please stop doing-- that--" Oh, your voice is broken/, "You're killing my orgasm."

"Oh shit, you gonna cum?" Mattsun realizes, grinding back down again. That sparks something in you again, but not quite as bright, but your body cramps at the thought of not chasing it. "You that sensitive?"

"Love an easy girl," Makki chirps.

"I was going to-" You shook a glance between them, both sheepish and grinning- "until you guys opened your mouths."

"Aw, does that mean the threesome is off?" Makki says that as he's lifting your shirt up. You help, letting him strip your top bare.

"No," you admit in a low voice, "I wanna keep going.”

They exchange a look and you swear they are mentally high fiving each other. You wriggle off your pants and they both sudden spring into action, afraid of this moment passing by.

"You should ask Hiro to fuck you first." Mattsun pulls his own shirt off, "Let him stretch you out nice and good for me."

"Nah, fuck Issei first," Makki is quick to say, "I like sloppy seconds."

You don't have to think about it.

"Mattsun."

You're too greedy to wait.

Mattsun dips his thumbs under your panties and gently lowers them as he dips his face into the crook of your neck. There’s a surprising amount of stubble on his face- more than you’ve ever noticed before- tickling the softest softs of you. “These are really cute by the way.”

You clearly weren’t expecting to get dick today; you’re in your full coverage, full butt panties, the ones that hang out in the back of your drawer and digs a bit too much into your hips. “Really?”

He tries to bite back his smile, tongue poked deep in his cheek as he helps you off of the couch and onto the floor. You can’t help but wonder the last time these guys vacuumed as you watch the brunette lay down, urging you on to this lap with gentle hands. You end up on his thighs, just low enough that the lump in his pants is right above you.

"Yeah. They’re like, I dunno, homey. Comfortable. " He runs his hand up your sides. The other man doesn’t join; Makki just scooches the coffee table over with his foot to clear a space for him to watch. His palm is pressing into the noticeable swell on his pants as he watches, eyes flickering between the two of you. Suddenly, your least favorite pair of underwear is your favorite. You can't help but preen and pose, arching your back and cupping a tit coyishly.

"You just gonna sit there and watch?" you tease, even though your heart is racing, “It’s not really a three way without you.”

"Hey, this is free OnlyFans content! I’m gonna enjoy it!” He jerks his chin towards his friend, "Plus, I wanna see your reaction.”

Your eyes roll themselves at that. You turn back to Mattsun, waiting for him to laugh or tease, but he just watches you back, an overly cocky smile smeared across his lips.

“Are we really going to pretend your cock is that big?” You let your fingers trail down his bare chest and hope he can’t feel like them tremble. God, you can see it kick through the denim. It’s getting harder and harder to tease him now that they both know you want this.

“You’re so right,” Mattsun’s voice drips with sarcasm, “I’m tiny.”

He finally pops the top to his jeans and snakes them down. The light blue pattern of his briefs does nothing to conceal the growing sticky stain that's formed on the front. Most of his length is still hidden under the denim, but the bit you can see is….

Fuck, that that cannot be a cock. Maybe a fucking TV remote.

“So fucking small, huh?” You realize you’re making a face when he starts laughing.

“What a shame,” he continues as he frees the rest, “Hot guy with a micro-- you should pity fuck me or something.”

It’s pretty. That’s the fucked up part about it. The head is a soft pink, glazed wet with precum, fading into a surprising tan color. It’s thicker than your wrist, with a single vein down the underside and would be perfect to drag your tongue across. Mattsun gives himself a single, slow pump, pulling a perfect droplet of clear liquid from his slit. With the other hand, he takes your wrist and pulls your touch to his, letting you grip his length. Your thumb and middle finger barely connect.

“Hey, Issei?”

“Yeah?”

Your fingers pulse, testing the firmness. There’s some give-- he’s not even fully hard.

“You were right, this is a pornstar cock.”

Mattsun rolls his eyes and gives you another toothy grin. His legs spread wider, therefore spreading yours too- so far that your labia slips free from the short fabric of your panties. The damp skin feels cold against the air, but the heat of anticipation is making you sweat.

“I told you.” Makki chimes in. You hadn’t realized that he had moved until his voice was rumbling against the fat of your ass. He’s the one who’s spread Mattsun’s legs, crawling in between them on hands and knees to press kisses against your back. “You gonna take it?”

You’re not sure you can. It’s a comical amount of dick, but your pride won’t let you back out. “I’ve taken bigger.”

“Oh yeah?” Your underwear digs further into your skin as Makki tugs it to the side and completely frees your cunt. “‘cause it looks pretty small back here.”

With a squelch, two fingers slip easily into you, reaching and curling deep. A moan hits you like a punch, crumpling you at the waist. Hands on Mattsun’s shoulders, you just brace yourself as Makki eases out and pushes back in, this time a bit slower.

“Are you sure you aren’t a virgin?” He wriggles for effect and your body clenches around him in response.

“Oi, lemme feel.” Mattsun’s hand pushes through the petals of you. Just as you think Makki’s going to pull away to give Mattsun space, the stretch grows more intense; two sets of hands are crammed into you, knuckles brushing against each other, and it makes your vision starred.

“Oh-” Your voice hollows out on you, “My god--”

It’s all you can do to take it, letting them squelch and move and prod asynchronistically. It’s clumsy and strange and honestly a bit weird, but your body seems to disagree; excitement is literally dripping from you, running down your thighs and smearing across their hands, popping and slicking and practically leaking. They’re treating you like a toy, you realize, exploring instead of trying to please you.

Someone's talking. Your brain tries to fight through the fog of pleasure to figure out what's being said, but the pulses and twitches of pleasure running through every muscle in your body are simply louder. Everything inside you is teetering towards the brink in a way you're never felt before. It's not like any other pleasure you've ever felt-- it's internal, it's uncomfortable, it's----

And everything lets go. You're cumming, you think. You realized your eyes have been closed this whole time, too absorbed in what's happening inside you.

"Ohmygodohmygod." It's been your voice this whole time. When you finally come down, you realize the two have gone still, just watching you.

"Damn." Makki whistles low."Do you always squirt?"

Oh, you burn with embarrassment. You tey to close your legs but there's two men in between them. "I've never done that before."

"That's so hot."

“Fuck,” Mattsun is trying to angle your hips with one hand and adjust his cock with the other, angling for your hole, “I’m gonna cum so quick, it’s gonna be embarrassing.”

Trepidation turns your stomach. You're wet all the way down your thighs, but Mattsun is a monster-- it's going to ache no matter what.

"Go slow, okay?"

"Aw, you'll take what I give you." Mattsun rolls his eyes with a smile, running his cock head through your folds. His cock slips and misses a couple times, prodding where it shouldn't be.

"You're embarrassing me," Makki whines, "Let me fucking do it."

Two fingers spread your pussy lips open wide. You can't see, but the strawberry blonde must be holding his friend's cock now because it immediately finds where it wants to be; the head catches against your opening and sinks in ever so slightly. You have to will yourself to relax and not fight the intrusion-- even though the stretch is wild//.

"Hey," Makki taps your thigh and you realize you're shaking. The pleasure and the discomfort are different sides to the same coin- both make your toes curl and your breath hitch as Mattsun sinks deeper and deeper.

"You have a pornstar pussy, baby." A finger runs over where your body meets cock and you can feel how taut you're stretched. Your body pulses at that realization and it rips a groan from the man under you. "It's so sexy to see you get ruined like that."

"Oh, it feels so fucking good too," Mattsun gasps. He looks so good like this, with pink cheeks and sweat touched hair. His pretty lips are pressed together with effort, trying to hold himself steady and he carefully gives you more and more.

Fuck, you swear you can feel him in your guts and he's not even halfway in. Your toes are curling from the pressure alone, but you refuse to make any noise about it; you’re not going to stroke his ego anymore. You can handle him putting it in-

"I'm gonna eat your ass-- is that cool?"

Makki doesn't wait for a reply. The sloppy wet prod of his tongue against your skin is the breaking point. It feels strange and wrong in the most delightful ways and your body absolutely betrays you again; your head is absolutely swimming as you bump and grind into both men, taking more cock than you can handle as Makki defiles you-

“Yeah, squeeze tight,” Mattsun is jerking his hips up, driving into you with short strokes, “Holy shit, girl, you’re gonna make me look fucking stupid-- squeeze, that’s it--”

“I'm going to fuck you the second Issei is done with you, I swear to god--”

That sounds good to you. That sounds very good. You hum a little agreement, and Makki just laughs.

Hands are pressing down on your hips and you swat at the brunette in panic-- only to realize it’s not his hands that are rushing you. Makki, as he sucks and slobbers, is urging you down faster and faster, trying to get your hips against his friend’s. You try and obey, letting him greedily force you down, but a sharp twist of a cramp slowly starts to twist inside you.

“Hiro--” Mattsun sucks air through his teeth, eyes screwed tight, “Hiro, youch, she’s full. I’m touching her cervix.”

Your hips feel like they are miles away from Issei’s. Holy shit. Holy shit. It should be illegal to be that long. It hurts, it makes your insides twist--

But, damn, you kind of like it.

You press up on to your knees and sink down again, locking into the gentlest of rhythms. The aching slow movement is enough to make your body spark, electricity thrumming through your core and up your spine. The man under you can only watch, those puppy dog eyes wider and wetter with every stroke. Eventually he starts moving with you, bucking up into your cunt hesitantly.

The two loudest, most annoying men in your life are now silent, too focused on you to do anything else. All three of you just sort of click into a groove, grinding and bucking and loving and squeezing, your body coiling tighter and tighter, every muscle twitching and tense with need-

Somehow, you don’t cum first. Mattsun’s hands are suddenly everywhere, gripping your ass and rolling your nipple under his thumb. He fucks up into you hard and that sharp cramp returns, followed by a familiar pooling, wet warmth right against your deepest parts. You can feel the throb of his cock as he unloads, giving you every fucking drop he can. Issei’s lips are parts with effort, teeth marks imprinted on his lower vermillion. There’s almost a haze to his eyes, caught in his pleasure and still looking for you.

“Oh, shit-” he hisses mindlessly, “Oh, fuck, shit--”

It’s dripping from you and down Makki’s chin.

“You on birth control?” Issei asks weakly, all tension drained from his body.

“It’s a bit late to ask that,” Makki chimes in. The thinner man pushes you forward, shifting your weight onto your hands. Like this, Issei’s softening cock can’t stay in- it slides out with a dribble. Mattsun is now so much closer now, his face nearly nuzzling yours. Your eyes meet his, dark and tired, and you’re struck by the urge to kiss him properly.

You’re then struck by the sudden sensation of being stuffed.

Despite their teasing earlier, Hanamaki is //not// small. He's not inhumanely big like Mattsun, but you're aware of every inch, pressing almost as deep as before. The squelch of cum being displaced from you is loud and disgusting, but all three of you reveal in the sound.

“God, I love a fresh fucked pussy,” he coos. “You’re gaping and messy, baby.”

Where Mattsun moved slow, Makki does not. He's rutting into you hard, pushing you into Mattsun's chest. The man below you kisses your cheek with a laugh, clearly enjoying the faces you're making. You're wet down to your knees, smeared with a mixture of bodily fluids, and it offers no resistance for Makki as he enjoys himself.

It's like you're a toy, being used just for him pleasure, and you're body can't get enough.

“You gonna cum?” Mattsun asks mockingly. He just enjoy the sight, watching your tits hang against his chest. You almost say no, even though you're dangerously close to the edge again. “Ah, don't rush yourself. Hiro can last all night if you need it.”

“Hm, I'm just trying to give you some time to recover before round two,” Oh, you hate that he doesn't even sound phased, “I'm pacing myself.”

“Oh yeah?” Mattsun says.

Makki thrusts even harder, accenting his words. “How else are we supposed to go all night?

1K notes · View notes

metallicaislife · 4 months

Text

Embarrassment Leads to…

Requested by: @g0ne-ghosting

Genre: 18+ smut, minors dni

Word Count: 1,720

Warnings: Douchey Lars-- oral(f receiving), p in v sex

I’ve known Kirk a long time, we met in biology class. Neither of us wanted to dissect the frog so we were banished to another room to watch a video of a frog dissection. Once again, neither of us were too keen on watching it. He pulled a horror comic out of his backpack, I reached into my backpack to show him the exact same one I had. Funny, we both enjoy watching gore but the idea of dissecting a frog is too much.

Our friendship blossomed from there. Nearly every day after school he was at my place or I was at his, watching movies, reading comics or listening to music.

I don’t know when the shift took place, one day he was just Kirk, my best friend, and well he still is, but in my heart he is so much more. He’s kind, funny, talented, and super attractive. His curly hair, breathtaking brown eyes, crooked smile. Super fucking cliche, having a massive crush on my best friend, I can’t help it though.

When he moved to San Francisco I was super bummed out and thought we’d drift apart because I can’t move up there yet. I was wrong though, we call each other often and correspond through letters. I’ve been up a couple times to visit and he has been back to LA to see me.

I was able to get the weekend off of work so I took a bus up to San Francisco. I’m currently on the couch talking to Lars while the others are deep in their own conversation.

“I mean I was a virgin when we started Metallica, but that problem has been well taken care of.” Lars smirked. I don’t know how we got to this topic, but here we are.

“Problem?” I asked.

“Yeah, I mean who in this day and age wants to be a virgin?” Lars asked incredulously.

I had never really given much thought that still being a virgin was lame or a problem. Was I holding out hope that Kirk would see me in a different light and fuck my brains out? Absolutely, but I didn’t think it was silly that I was still a virgin.

“I’m still a virgin.” I stated. Lars' eyes widened then he doubled over in laughter.

“What’s so funny, Ulrich?” James’ asked, his attention being torn from his and the other’s conversation.

“She’s still a virgin!” Lars wheezes out.

Okay, when you announce it to everyone like that, then it becomes mortifying. My cheeks heated up and I bolted. I found the room I was staying in and slammed the door. I sat on the ground with my back against the bed, bringing my knees into my chest. I fought off the tears, it wasn’t worth crying over. I heard the knob turn and cursed myself for not thinking of locking the door. I looked up and Kirk entered, closing the door softly. He made his way over to me and sat beside me.

“Are you okay?” He asked softly.

“That was so embarrassing. I wasn’t embarrassed by the fact I’m a virgin, but he didn’t have to go announcing it like it was today’s hottest news.” I said. I couldn’t bear to look over at Kirk.

“That was really rude of Lars, the other guys didn’t find it funny either. Both Cliff and James are really reaming into him right now.” Kirk said.

“So you don’t think it’s funny or pathetic that I’m a virgin?” I ask, finally looking over. Kirk’s big brown eyes were already trained on me.

“Not in the slightest.” He reassured me.

The air was different. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but as we stared at one another, it wasn’t as best friends. Now was one of those times I wished one of us would take the jump and explore the possibility of more.

“I may be reading this wrong, if I do anything that you don’t want, tell me to stop.” Kirk said softly. My brow furrowed, but I quickly caught on as he leaned in. My eyes fell closed as our lips met in an electric kiss. It was soft and slow, but I’d been kissed before, and it never felt like this. Kirk shifted so he could cup my face as he deepened the kiss. He nibbled my lower lip and I opened my mouth letting him slide his tongue. I let out a soft moan deep in my throat. Kirk pulled back and we stared at one another with wide eyes and swollen lips.

“Keep going.” I offered softly as my chest heaved.

Kirk stood up and held his hand out to me. I took it and he helped me up and then brought me into him as his lips met mine again. As we kissed his hand wandered up my shirt and squeezed my breast. I gasped. He pulled back enough to lift my shirt above my head. He took his shirt off too.

“Take your pants off and lay down.” He said, then began removing his pants. I did as he asked, removing my bra as well and laid on the bed on my back. Kirk stood at the edge of the bed and stared at me for a few moments. My cheeks heated and I covered my breasts feeling so bare. Kirk grabbed my arms and moved them as he got on the bed over me.

“Don’t hide.” He said and pinned my arms at my side as he dipped down licking around one of my nipples. I gasped, my back arching slightly at the feeling. I could feel Kirk smirk against me as he took the nipple in his mouth and sucked at it. He used one of his hands to squeeze the other, rolling my nipple in his fingers. He switched sides. With the arm that wasn’t still pinned, I let my hand run up and down his back, scratching softly when he nibbled.

After he was pleased with his time there, he kissed down my body and looked up as he hovered over my clothed pussy. I nodded, giving him permission. He leaned down and kissed it before removing my panties. After throwing them to the floor, he kissed my pussy before licking from my entrance to my clit. I moaned, arching my back. Kirk continued lapping at my cunt as he shoved two fingers in my face. I took them in my mouth and sucked on them, swirling my tongue around the digits. When he deemed them wet enough he pulled them out with a lewd popping sound coming from my lips.

Kirk pulled his face back enough to watch as he slid a finger in me. My chest heaved as I watched him. He pulled his hand back and found a slow pace, curling his finger. I moaned and he added the second finger. Once he saw I wasn’t uncomfortable with the sensation, he dived back in sucking my clit as his fingers curled and scissored my pussy preparing it for his cock.

It didn’t take long before the pleasure rushed through me and my pussy clenched around his fingers. Kirk continued through my high letting it drag on. He pulled back and took his fingers out of me, placing them in his mouth licking off my slick.

Kirk stood and removed his boxers letting his erection free. He bent down and fished his wallet out of his jeans pocket, taking a condom out and tossing his wallet back to the floor. I watched as he opened the condom and rolled it over his cock. He crawled back over me and aligned himself with my entrance. He brushed the hair from my face and kissed me passionately. He slowly pushed in and a whine escaped my throat at the sensation. Kirk pulled his head back and peppered my face in kisses.

“I know, it’s okay, I’ve got you.” He said in between his kisses. I sighed softly as I dug my fingers into his shoulders.

Kirk moved his hips slowly back and forth until he was fully sheathed in me. My grip was so tight on him I thought I was going to leave marks on his shoulders.

“Let me know when I can move.” He said as he moved his head so he could kiss my neck.

I closed my eyes and let my body adjust to having his cock in me. After a while, it didn’t hurt as much.

“Okay, you can move.” I said. As I said that, Kirk rocked his hips back slowly and pushed back in. A groan left his lips.

Kirk found a steady pace. He lifted his head again and our lips met in a sloppy kiss. He started moving his hips a little faster, adding some more force with his thrusts. He used one arm to brace himself so he wasn’t crushing me, as the other found its way to my clit and began rubbing me as he fucked me. My back arched and I moaned, breaking our kiss. Kirk kissed down the column of my throat. I came for the second time shortly after. He continued thrusting into me until he found his high as well. Kirk rested his head on my shoulder catching his breath before he pulled out and got up to take the condom off.

I laid staring at the ceiling, in absolute disbelief that that had really happened. Kirk came back and laid next to me, he brought me into his embrace and ran his fingers up and down my back softly.

“I didn’t do that just so you could rub it in Lars face, I really like you… I know we’re best friends but I’ve liked you for a long time.” Kirk rambled. I leaned up pressing my lips to his.

“I like you too.” I said softly after pulling away from him. Kirk smiled at me and I smiled back, “I didn’t go along with it just to lose my virginity because I was embarrassed.” I said and rested my head on Kirk’s chest.

“I’m glad.” Kirk said and gave me a squeeze. I giggled.

I’m not sure where we go from here, but I know as long as I have Kirk by my side, I’ll be fine.

Thank you for reading! :)

#metallica x reader #metallica #metallica imagines #metallica scenarios #metallica smut #kirk hammett x reader #kirk hammett #kirk hammett smut

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is-the-owl-video-cute · 1 month

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Even if we knew absolutely NOTHING about Vivziepop and her background/associations, she would STILL be criticized for her awful writing and the way she handles sensitive content in her work. Hazbin Hotel is not a show with something to say, or messages to deliver, it's a show made for people of her ilk to get their rocks off to and chortle at the edgy sex jokes like "oh ho ho, the Normies certainly wouldn't approve of this one!" It's a show that barely cares about its own characters outside of turning them into gooey fanfiction tropes and it's only reached the status it has because the pilot was the first of its kind in a time where online people were desperate for a lick of queer media.

And like, it's incredibly obvious that the original concept of Hazbin was made by a teenager- group of overdesigned tragic-backstory OCs with very little in common shoved together by a loose leaf plot into a group setting, sure, right. That's where most writers start out. But the thing with Vivziepop is that she received that first batch of criticism and dug her damn heels into the floor and said I AM NOT WRONG AND I REFUSE TO CHANGE. So we're here now, what, a decade later? And she's still hanging on to that teenage writing and mentality and is only spurred on by her peers and supporters saying YOU ARE NOT WRONG, DO NOT CHANGE.

Sorry for word vomiting into your inbox but I've been following the situation for a bit now and it's just ridiculous how big the whole thing's gotten.

Honestly the level of disrespect she gives to Angel’s trauma in being tonally inconsistent on whether the audience is supposed to take it seriously or if it’s a joke. The music videos about Angel’s backstory (Addicted, Poison) being made in part by a guy who gleefully expresses thinking it’s sexually satisfying to them and posts about it often on twitter is one nail in the coffin, Angel being totally fine and everyone treating it like a joke after he enters a relationship with Husk is another.

There’s also the obvious issue with the fact many of the named characters in hell are rapists, serial killers, and abusers. This makes the entire concept of the show an issue because the entire plot line is based on taking demons and rehabilitating them to become angels instead. It’s a plot that could work if it focused on people unjustly being sent to hell for being queer or doing drugs or just not being devoted to god or whatever, but there’s a crisp three characters who could be redeemed that were even sent to hell, the other demons who are decent people are native to hell.

She had to make the leader of the angels a massive douche because otherwise the idea of them going to hell and culling some genuinely bad people wouldn’t be that big of a deal really. She wants to have her cake and eat it too, she emphasizes how evil the average inhabitant of hell is to be edgy and then at the same time you’re supposed to feel bad for them and hate the angels for rejecting the idea of a bunch of serial killers and sex criminals becoming angels. It’s one of those things that feels like it should be a metaphor for immigration/refugees but it falls flat when she actually makes many of them bad people rather than just having the angels unjustifiably prejudicial. By making them cartoonishly evil, it doesn’t really make the prejudice seem unjustified.

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prismatic-bell · 1 year

Text

You know I know everyone is saying the All Things End music video is a metaphor for how sometimes a relationship ends and there's nothing you can do about it

But I'm actually not convinced. I'm thinking of a lot of what we heard from him in the early days of Covid and to me it feels far more like commentary on that. Because people keep saying it's open-heart surgery, but it's not. For one, in open-heart, you're open. That's where the name comes from. He'd be naked to the hips and there'd be a massive opening down his front through the breastbone. Even if we're going with "it's an artistic depiction" (fair, actual open-heart is terrifying), it's...in entirely the wrong place. The heart is near the middle of the chest but slightly to the left, behind the pectoral muscle. The incision shown in the video is well below his breast, on the right. As carefully as he plans stuff out, that's just....an absolutely asinine elementary mistake, if it is a mistake. Which it is not. Because that's the liver. Two things you can take here: one, the video itself is a commentary on what happens when you can't clear the rot, the poison, the decay, from a body of some kind--whether a literal one or a society, as we've seen happen the world over with the new rise of fascism and the use of Covid as a political tool (hence this video taking place in a hospital--the fact the doctors never remove their masks also feels a bit pointed here). That body will slowly be destroyed, and those who fought to save it--doctors, grassroots volunteers, simple good people who wanted things to be okay--are left to stare uselessly and remember the halcyon days of what was, all but worshipping a past memory. But also, we know at least one song on Unreal Unearth (Swan Upon Leda) draws heavily from Greek mythology, and it feels like Through Me also pulls a bit from Odysseus. This also isn't the first time he's used Greek folklore in his writing (Talk references Orpheus and Eurydice). So with that said, knowing the lyrics say "we shouldn't change our plan when we begin again," I'm kind of getting a bit of a Sisyphus vibe here. The doctors will do more surgeries. Those patients may also die. Societies rise and fall and rise again, and we keep making the same fucking mistakes.

The song is about a failed relationship, but the video feels like a metaphor for what we're seeing as modern Western society.

#hozier #nina blogs hozier #these new videos of his are INCREDIBLE though #I feel like I'm listening to these and going 'holy hell he actually DID have a sophomore slump'#'it's just his normal is so far above average that his slump reads as normal'#that's pretty impressive

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maylorscardigan · 6 months

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Reputation & TS11.

do you think Taylor will announce or drop Reputation in a few days? Do you think we will see TS 11 soon? I’m curious what your thoughts are with these because there’s been a lot of speculation with it lately. I don’t think she would do 1989 TV dirty like that. Please… thoughts.

*mumbles under breath*

NO.

I do not think we are getting Reputation as an announcement or as a drop this weekend. 1989TV is quite literally her most successful album debut of her career. She is NOT going to disrespect that album by doing that. 1989 TV / SV is her baby. It’s the album that changed her entire career.

So no.

Besides - anyone who truly knows anything about Reputation knows that she is not going to make it obvious. That’s the entire point of Reputation. It’s like the Reputation fans who thought she wasn’t actually going to release 1989 TV and just drop Reputation instead. There are so so so many things that would have gone wrong with that.

SNTV got a short period because when you look at it… while it didn’t have a long Era like Red TV or Fearless TV… it got A LOT. It got a night dedicated to it with the guest appearances and the music video etc. Red and Fearless were released outside of the Eras tour so they got a longer stretch. That being said - she is giving 1989 TV longer.

When she announced 1989 TV she performed “New Years Day” from Reputation and that in itself could be an Easter Egg. If she was going to stick to the 112 day thing then she could announce Reputation on New Years Day and release it for February 16th, 2024. This would give it 46 days of promotion before a release.

Is it possible she just drops Reputation on New Years? No. It’s a Monday. Not to mention a holiday. Logistics nightmare if you ask me.

I am to laugh my ass off if the next album announced is Debut, closing with Reputation towards the end of the tour. Why? It’s exactly something that Taylor would do. Reputation Taylor at least. But I won’t get into my theories as to why I think Debut could be coming next.

As for TS 11…. I don’t see it coming before Eras wraps. The entire concert if designed around her first 10 albums. A LOT would need to be cut and redone to fit a new album into the concert. Not to mention all the work that has already gone into it with the movie and all that. She has a year left of touring with 2024. Two re-records to still get released. She is finishing off the Eras tour with those released then anything going forward will be TS11 and beyond. Releasing TS 11 during Eras would be such a bad business decision. New Albums deserve their own time. Just like Midnights had separate from the tour.

I think fans have become extremely greedy. She dropped two albums in a year with folklore and evermore because there was literally a pandemic going on and she had nothing else to do. Fans want all the re-records on top of each other. They want a new album - all while a world tour is going on. Like… come on guys. She is Taylor Swift, yes. She’s a bit of a super hero. I get it. But she’s still human all the same. Stop demanding so much from her all the time.

Since 2020, we have gotten:

• folklore

• evermore

• fearless tv

• red tv

• midnights

• speak now tv

• 1989 tv.

That is SIX albums. And fans just want more and more and more and more. Other artists… they’ve released one… maybe two if you’re really lucky. Some of released none and are working on one now. You also complain that the sound between 1989 tv and Midnights is too similar but you want TS 11 and Reputation like right now yet if it sounds similar you’ll complain about that… give it a rest and be THANKFUL fans for getting 6 albums in under 3.5 years AND a massive world tour with a three and a half hour show.

Disagree? Cool.

But the vultures need to back off.

((Note: when I say you in the post I do not mean the anonymous directly. I’m speaking about fans in general))

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oliverreedmasterass · 6 months

Text

Starcatchers 1x3 - Meeting the Master

Synopsis: After an incident involving Jake's amp, he's determined to win the cash to buy a replacement. Meanwhile, Josh and Danny choreograph a dance for a music video and Sam's clumsiness makes him see red.

Words: 5.9k

Warnings: violence against amps and nice video cameras, groin injury, Satan

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Jake, Josh, Sam, and Danny are sitting on the couch in Sam’s living room. Josh has the remote and is scrolling through the options on Netflix so fast, there’s no way he’s registering what he’s passing on. Beside him, Jake, Danny, and Sam are staring at him with growing frustration.

SAM: Are you gonna choose anything this century or would I be better off walking in circles in the backyard for the evening?

JOSH: Just, hold on, I haven’t seen anything that stands out yet.

DANNY: You literally skipped Happy Gilmore. What’s wrong with you?

JOSH: (under his breath) That’s not cinema.

JAKE: If you don’t choose something in the next ten seconds, I’m putting on Pirates of the Caribbean.

JOSH: (scrolling more frantically) No!

Josh panics and selects Saturday Night Fever.

SAM: (incredulously) The disco movie?!

JOSH: It’s got a good soundtrack?

Jake huffs and leaves the room as the movie starts. After the opening credits are done, he comes back with his guitar and a comically large amp. While Josh is trying to get into the movie, Danny and Sam watch Jake struggle to plug his guitar in, and then settle back into his seat. Jake begins playing the Buddy Holly riff over every line of dialogue. While Sam finds this to be hilarious, Danny is into the film alongside Josh, and glares at Jake.

DANNY: That’s not funny.

Jake looks at Danny for a long pause, not blinking, and then responds with the Buddy Holly riff.

From an exterior shot of Sam’s house, Jake’s amp is thrown through the window.

Starcatchers Theme/Opening Titles

[acoustic theme song with a harmonica]

From the fires we emerged anew,

Singing, playing rock and roll,

Reviving a genre just for you.

Across the globe we traveled far

Recruiting an army of peace,

Enchanting crowds with our guitar.

A battle ensued at the Gardens Gate

And we preserved the gift of nature,

Standing up against a culture of hate.

We are the Starcatchers, reaching for the sky,

Discovering words of wisdom to live by.

We deliver a message from the heavens above:

Live your legend through the intelligence of love.

[end theme]

Jake, Danny, Josh, and Sam are driving to the set of their upcoming music video for Meeting the Master.

JAKE: (to Danny) You owe me a new amp.

DANNY: You owe John Travolta an apology.

JAKE: I don’t owe that scientology freak anything.

DANNY: I could hardly watch the movie, you were complaining so much.

JAKE: I think I had the right to complain after you threw my best amp out the window.

Danny tsks and shakes his head like he can’t believe Jake would even offer that as a rebuttal. Josh tries to step in to smooth things over.

JOSH: Even if you didn’t catch most of the dialogue, at least you saw the sick dancing, right?

DANNY: Oh, absolutely. I’ve actually been thinking about it a lot since last night.

JOSH and DANNY: (at the same time) We should have a dance number in our music video.

Josh and Danny gape at each other.

JOSH and DANNY: Jinx!

SAM: Absolutely not.

JAKE: I’d rather you chuck me out the window with my poor, broken amp.

JOSH: Just picture it though, we build up the dramatic tension and then, once the song crescendos, we tell the story with our bodies in front of a massive bonfire. It’s exactly what the music is begging us to do.

DANNY: I do think that adding a dance would enhance the message of our song.

SAM: I think you just want to see if you can move like Tony Manero.

DANNY: So what if I do?

JOSH: (starting to eagerly plan) We’ll work on the choreog once we get there.

DANNY: Choreog?

JOSH: Yeah, you know, the dance routine and all.

DANNY: Choreography?

JOSH: I think choreog sounds cool.

DANNY: It really doesn’t.

JAKE: You guys have fun with that. Since Danny is refusing to pay me back for my private property that he decided to destroy, I’m determined to earn the money back to buy a replacement amp.

DANNY: You have enough money in your bank account to just go out and get a new one, Jake.

JAKE: It’s about the principle, Daniel. I’m not paying for something that wasn’t my fault out of pocket.

SAM: I would argue that it was your fault.

JAKE: (growling to Sam) Watch it. (to the rest of the car) I’m gonna win a radio show contest.

JOSH: There’s got to be a better way.

JAKE: Nope. This is the only way. I know for a fact that I’m gonna be caller ten somewhere.

DANNY: Do radio shows even have the money to do contests like that anymore?

Jake reaches over and turns up the volume on the radio. A super cheesy DJ voice comes on.

DJ: Hey Miss Independent, you wanna Breakaway? In honor of the queen, Kelly Clarkson’s birthday, we’re giving out a big old bucket of presidents to our tenth caller! Ring me up (857)349-2983, tell me your favorite Kelly Clarkson song, and the money’s yours.

Jake fumbles with his phone.

JAKE: Drats! What was the number again?

SAM: 867-5309

Jake starts to type the number in and then stops.

JAKE: (to Sam) [expletive censored with the Buddy Holly riff].

JOSH: You don’t even like Kelly Clarkson, Jake.

Jake goes to the radio show’s website, finds the phone number, and eventually manages to call it. The rest of the car is fixated on him. Jake starts making clacking noises with his tongue while he waits for someone to pick up.

JAKE: (excited) Hello? Wha- oh.

DANNY: What happened?

JAKE: They hung up on me.

Sam turns the volume back up on the car stereo from his steering wheel.

DJ: Congratulations to our tenth caller! What’s your name, and what’s your favorite Kelly Clarkson song?

CALLER: Uh, my name is Dave. I don’t actually know who Kelly Clarkson is, I just need the money to flee the country. I’ve been on the run from the IRS since 2007.

DJ: (cutting the caller off) Okay, buddy! Good on ya!

JAKE: (throwing his hands up) Unbelievable! This is rigged! How was I not the tenth caller? Who calls into these things anyways?

SAM: You and Dave.

Jake groans loudly. Sam pulls into the parking lot of the Tennessee State National Park and kills the engine. While they unbuckle their seatbelts, Jake holds his hand out to everyone in the car.

JAKE: Give me your phones.

DANNY: No.

JAKE: (to Danny) You especially.

JOSH: Just, give it to him, Danny. This isn’t a battle you want to fight.

JAKE: (nodding his head) I’ll hide in your walls if you don’t.

DANNY: Are you gonna do anything else, or are you just gonna hang out there?

Jake doesn’t know how to respond to this, but he doesn’t have to since Danny gives in and hands him his phone. Sam and Josh follow suit.

JAKE: Now I just need six more cell phones and I can hack this thing.

Jake takes off for the trailers where they’re supposed to get their hair and makeup done. Sam sighs and shakes his head, following behind Jake, leaving Danny and Josh.

DANNY: We have about forty-five minutes until we have to get dressed.

JOSH: That’s plenty of time to get our choreog worked out.

DANNY: I really wish you would stop calling it that.

JOSH: Would chor-ee be better?

Danny sighs and shakes his head.

On the set of their music video, Sam wanders around the large cameras and lighting equipment. He has his own personal film camera around his neck and starts taking photos of the cameras.

SAM: (chuckling to himself) Heh. Camera-ception.

Sam leans in close to a gigantic camera and attempts to take a selfie of it with his film camera. The flash goes off, temporarily blinding Sam, and he stumbles around, knocking into the camera. He watches in horror as the camera topples over in slow motion and shatters on the ground. How a camera managed to get that damaged in grass is a mystery, but it unfortunately happened.

SAM: Oh [expletive censored with the Buddy Holly riff]!

Sam snaps his head around in a panic and notes that no one was around to see his accident. He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself, and then spots a large branch a few yards away. He grabs it and places it over the broken camera to make it seem like the branch was what caused the damage, even though there are no trees anywhere close by. Once he’s satisfied with his work, he sprints away, waving his hands up in the air in a silent panic, back towards the trailers.

Jake is sitting in the trailer, surrounded by about twenty five cell phones. Sam can be seen running with his arms flailing around in the background through the window of the trailer. Jake listens intently to a handheld radio that’s set on the table in front of him as a different DJ talks.

DJ: On this two for Tuesday, I’m giving out two Ks to the 22nd lucky caller!

Jake hovers over his phone, waiting for the phone number.

DJ: I’ll be waiting at (483) 273-8273.

Jake dials the number at the speed of light, his pupils dilated to the point where he looks like he could be possessed by a demon. He holds his phone up to his ear with his shoulder and begins dialing the same number into every other phone around him, putting each of them on speaker phone. While a symphony of phones ring, Jake waits. The DJ speaks over the phones.

DJ: And we have our winner! Congratulations, what’s your name?

CALLER: Jennifer.

DJ: You get a buttload of money that you can use to pay for anything you want, like a new amp to replace your broken one!

CALLER: Woohoo!

JAKE: YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!

Jake’s shouts ring through the park. They can still be heard in the distance from the parking lot, where Josh and Danny are covered in sweat. Danny is doing a pelvic thrust move while Josh busts out a two step that would make Fred Astaire cry.

JOSH: I think I’ve got it!

Danny stops his subpar dancing to watch Josh’s feet shuffling.

DANNY: You look like you could be a part of LMFAO.

JOSH: That was not what I was going for.

DANNY: Thank god.

JOSH: What do we have so far?

DANNY: Well, at the line, “And I’m taken, by the madness,” we do a spin and a half with our arms held in tight and then do some hand waving in front of our face.

Josh mimes what Danny just described while humming the tune to himself. Danny watches him go and looks to be thinking hard.

JOSH: Like that?

DANNY: I hate it.

JOSH: (growing frustrated) Most of that was your idea!

DANNY: It’s just missing something, I don’t know.

JOSH: More hip thrusts?

DANNY: Yeah, maybe.

Josh starts to sing the line, “And I’m taken, by the madness” again while Danny embodies Tony Manero’s hypnotizing disco hip thrusts. With joy, Josh starts to join Danny. It looks like they’ve finally singled in on something right.

JOSH: Oh yeah!

Sam rushes into Jake’s trailer to find Jake holding his head in his hands following his second failure at winning a radio contest.

SAM: Oh no, oh no no no no.

Jake peeks through his hands up at Sam.

JAKE: (mumbling) I’ll be okay, I’m just feeling a little bit dejected right now.

SAM: No, oh no as in I just completely obliterated one of the nice cameras on set.

JAKE: (still into his hands) How did you manage to pull that off?

SAM: The world is against me.

Jake nods like he understands where Sam is coming from.

SAM: (continuing) I planted a tree branch over the wreckage so it looks like I didn’t do it. But, Jake, I feel so bad.

Jake doesn’t say anything. It’s unclear if he simply doesn’t care, or if he doesn't know what to say in return. Sam looks around the trailer and then lets out a short gasp. Standing in the corner of the trailer, checking out the mini fridge is a man in all red who can only be assumed to be Satan. Satan turns around at the sound of Sam’s gasp, holding onto a carton of 66% milk and takes a long chug. He then wipes his mouth and gives Sam a toothy grin.

SATAN: Been naughty lately, Samuel?

SAM: Psh? What? No.

JAKE: (looking around) Who are you talking to?

SATAN: (continuing) You really think you can hide from what you did?

SAM: (to Satan) The tree branch did it, not me.

JAKE: You’re starting to freak me out, Sam.

SATAN: We both know that’s an awful cover up. Your fingerprints are all over that broken camera.

SAM: (realizing Satan is right) Oh [expletive censored with the Buddy Holly riff]!

Sam books it out of the trailer, determined to cover his tracks before someone finds the camera. Jake watches him go with a frown.

JAKE: I should probably tell Josh that Sam is talking to the shadow people again.

Jake looks like he might actually leave his trailer and fleet of phones behind to find Josh, but the DJ’s voice on the radio reminds him of his ultimate mission.

DJ: You thought I was done handing out free cash that may or may not be super taxed after you get it? No way! Be the sixty-ninth caller, and I’ll send you a check that will make you piss your pants!

Jake goes back to dialing on all the phones.

JAKE: (to himself) C’mon, baby.

The phones ring and beep in an upbeat tempo. The sounds transform into a disco version of Meeting the Master which plays in the parking lot where Josh and Danny are practicing. Josh and Danny have somehow acquired bell bottoms and tight button up tops with impressive collars. The parking lot pavement lights up around them like a disco dancefloor as they practice their routine. Although it isn’t entirely coordinated yet, Josh and Danny dance like their lives depend on it, pointing in all directions with an added flair and wiggling their hips around. They even bust out the lawn mower and sprinkler.

The song fades out and Josh and Danny try to catch their breaths.

DANNY: (wiping sweat from his brow) That was magic.

Josh guzzles an entire yellow Gatorade, attempts to smash the plastic bottle against his forehead, gives up, and walks to a recycling can to toss it. He returns back to Danny’s side.

JOSH: I’m telling you, it all lives in the pelvis.

DANNY: Do you think Jake and Sam are gonna get behind our routine?

Josh has to stand on his tip toes, but he places his hand on Danny’s shoulder.

JOSH: Trust me, once they see how cool we look, they’ll be begging to give it their all in front of the big and fancy cameras.

Back on set, Sam stops running towards the broken camera when he realizes the director has discovered the carnage.

DIRECTOR: The big and fancy camera!

Sam curses to himself and tries to slowly walk backwards towards the trailers. The director spots him and motions for Sam to join his side. Sam looks like he wants to book it.

SAM: (thinking aloud) If I run, that will make me look pretty guilty. But I might be able to run fast enough to the airport that I can catch a flight to Argentina without anyone stopping me. But I don’t know Spanish well enough to ask people what their vegan options are at restaurants. I don’t want to be that guy who goes into a country not knowing the language. Talk about embarrassing.

DIRECTOR: (breaking Sam out of his head) Sam! Someone absolutely obliterated this camera!

Sam starts to scream but then stops himself. Despite his panic, he pretends to act shocked. He’s a terrible actor.

SAM: Oh, man! That’s devastating! Are you sure someone did it? I mean, there’s a big branch on it.

DIRECTOR: There’s not a tree in sight. Unless the branch fell from the sky, I doubt it.

SAM: (changing his game plan) Well, then whoever did that is an absolute monster. I hope they rot.

The director stares at Sam oddly. Satan appears behind the director’s back and shakes his head at Sam

SATAN: You’re gonna be the one to rot, Samuel Francis Kiszka.

Sam chokes on another scream. Satan does a pirouette with a loud cackle and then disappears into a dramatic puff of smoke. Sam shakes his head and widens his eyes. He just had another hallucination.

DIRECTOR: Boy, you’re taking this harder than I am.

SAM: I just can’t help but think that whoever did that to your camera isn’t quite right in the head.

Sam has a large frown on his face.

You know who else has a large frown on his face? Jake. The poor guy hovers over his handheld radio, staring daggers into it with his phone ready in his hand. The camera zooms out to show that, with the exception of the director, Jake has squished every single crew member into the trailer to help him.

BOOM OPERATOR: How are we gonna know when to dial the number?

The Boom Operator holds the mic in front of Jake’s face, whacking him a few times. Jake sputters from the microphone and pushes it away before thinking twice and grabbing it back so he can speak directly into it.

JAKE: I’ll give you the sign.

PA: And what’s the sign?

JAKE: Trust me, you’ll know.

The radio starts to play sounds that are reminiscent of a Vegas slot machine. This immediately piques Jake’s interest and he shushes everyone so he can listen.

DJ: Have I got a treat for you today. Sitting right in front of me on my desk, I’ve got -

Jake is typing furiously away on his computer, searching for the radio show’s phone number. He finds it, lets out an excited cackle, and dials the phone number, hovering his thumb over the “call” button. Everyone else in the trailer is waiting, watching him with intensity while holding their own phones out.

DJ: Gimme a call at (384)392-2983.

JAKE: (shrill) AWWWOOOOOGA!

PA: What?

JAKE: (more shrill, motioning at the phones) AWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOGA!

PA: Huh?

JAKE: Call the number, numbnuts!

Everyone dials in and waits. The Assistant Director’s face brightens and she motions at her phone and gives Jake a big thumbs up. Jake crosses his arms over his chest and gives a satisfied smirk. He’s finally won.

Josh maintains a similar position in the parking lot as he watches Danny finalize their dance routine. Danny moves with a stunning grace as he goes through the motions, doing dazzling spins, foot work, and jumps. You can kind of get a sense of the story that he’s trying to tell with his body, and boy is it beautiful. Danny finishes and wipes some sweat from his brow while Josh showers him in applause.

JOSH: Absolutely stunning work, Daniel.

DANNY: (gasping) You think?

JOSH: Just one note.

DANNY: Of course.

JOSH: I think we need to do this move at some point.

Josh stands with his legs concerningly far apart and his knees bent, locks his fingers together and wiggles his arms in front of him, like a wave. Danny watches him with a blank face.

JOSH: (explaining while he’s still dancing) It symbolizes the tide turning.

DANNY: I’ll, uh, try to see where I can fit that one in.

JOSH: Preferably after Jake’s solo when he does the worm.

DANNY: I don’t remember agreeing to that part of the routine.

JOSH: When you see him do it, you’ll thank me.

DANNY: Uhhhh….

Sam makes similar grunting sounds to Danny, sitting on a log on set and staring blankly at the camera that the director is collecting from the ground and moving into a beautiful coffin. The director sniffs back tears and dabs at his eyes with a hankie. Sam looks to his left and sees Satan sitting next to him, cleaning under his long fingernails with a part of the broken camera.

SAM: Can you please leave me alone? The guilt is bad enough, I don’t need you around too.

SATAN: On the contrary. I think you need me around to remind you what an awful person you are. I mean, who takes a selfie with a camera?

SAM: What else are you gonna take a selfie with?

Satan does not look amused. Sam nervously chuckles.

SAM: So maybe you have a point. It wasn’t my finest moment, but it can’t be that bad, right?

SATAN: The owner of that camera sold his dead father’s car to buy it. It was the only way he could make it in this industry.

Sam clutches at his face and moans in despair.

SATAN: He kept that camera locked in a vault in his basement to make sure no one got their grimy hands on it. But the one time he left it for a second, you went and destroyed it.

SAM: You know, I am kinda surprised he’s not here with the director, doing whatever that is.

Sam motions at the director, who is playing a funeral song on a set of bagpipes over the coffin containing the camera parts.

Jump cut to the cameraman in Jake’s trailer, texting the director “I’ll be back on set in a sec to get the cameras set up. Guitarist dude for the band just won a radio contest - who does that anymore???”

Jake is clutching arms with the Assistant Director, jumping up and down and shouting with glee. The Assistant Director quickly stops jumping and holds a finger up to Jake, pointing at the phone. Jake immediately stops and watches the Assistant Director, soaking in his glory.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: (on the phone) No way, that’s incredible! (to Jake) I’m gonna be on the radio in a second, turn it up.

Jake turns up the volume on the radio so everyone can listen.

DJ: Congratulations to our lucky caller! Who am I speaking with?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Seymour.

DJ: Well, Seymour -

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: (cutting the DJ off) Seymour Buttz.

DJ: Okay, Seymour Buttz, you’ve got yourself one hell of a prize!

JAKE: (leaning over the AD to call into the phone) What’s the prize?

The DJ laughs for an uncomfortably long amount of time on the other end of the line. Jake’s eye twitches.

Sam’s eye twitches as well as he sits with Satan on the log.

SAM: (thinking aloud) I need to get money pooled together to buy the poor guy a new camera, don’t I? I can’t run away from this for the rest of my life.

SATAN: You could steal the money.

SAM: I could steal the money. From Jake. He’s trying to win a radio contest.

Satan looks confused. Does anyone participate in radio contests anymore?? Sam ignores his look and hustles towards Jake’s trailer. On his way over, he runs into Josh and Danny, who are slurping down Gatorades to get their electrolytes.

JOSH: Oh, Sam! Just the person we wanted to see! We gotta teach you the choreog for the music video! I think Daniel and I have come up with something really special.

DANNY: It’s so good, we might even get invited to join Dancing With the Stars as guest judges.

SAM: You’re gonna have to put that on hold, I have something really important I need to work out with Jake. It’s literally a matter of life or death.

Danny snaps out of his euphoria from dancing.

DANNY: Wait. Sam, what did you do?

Sam is already gone. Danny grabs Josh and they hurry behind him. The three friends tear into Jake’s trailer to find him on the phone, the entire crew watching him as if they’re in a Renaissance painting.

JAKE: (into the phone) WHAT’S THE PRIZE, DJ BIG BREEZY?! LEGALLY YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT I WON!

DJ BIG BREEZY: Man, I think you’ve got a stick shoved up somewhere where the sun don’t shine. Maybe I’ll pass this off to the forty-third caller. You’re kinda stressing me out.

Jake sucks in a deep breath, holds it in his mouth with his cheeks puffed out, and then exhales. He looks a smidge calmer.

JAKE: Sorry, DJ Big Breezy. I’m just really excited. So, how many K’s are we talking here?

DJ BIG BREEZY: No K’s kid.

Jake’s face brightens.

JAKE: Mil?

DJ BIG BREEZY: Nil. You won two tickets to catch a special screening of Saturday Night Fever at the downtown AMC!

Jake hangs up the phone. His face progressively turns more red, to the point where he resembles Satan. Sam gapes at Jake with a look of distress on his face as well. He has nothing to steal from this poor man. Josh watches Jake with concern. Jake is going to blow at any second. Danny can’t help but let out a large laugh.

DANNY: Hah! Serves you right!

Jake glares at Danny, his face still red.

JAKE: This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

JOSH: Even worse than the time when you had to be Willy Wonka in the school play because I got sick?

JAKE: Way, way worse than that.

Josh whistles.

JAKE: How am I ever going to pay for a new amp? You know what? Tour’s canceled.

DANNY: Oh, come on, Jake. Get over yourself.

JAKE: Amp killer!

DANNY: Hey, let’s not go around carelessly throwing accusations around like that. I could serve time.

JAKE: (jutting his finger into Danny’s shoulder) You should go to jail.

SAM: (realizing behind Jake and Danny) I’m gonna go to jail.

JOSH: (raising an eyebrow at Sam) Why are you gonna go to jail?

SAM: (the dam has broken) I wrecked a fancy camera on set! I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to take a picture with it, but then I knocked into it and it just kinda went, well, kersplat.

CAMERAMAN: Woah, wait, what happened to my camera?

SAM: I was gonna get the money for you to cover the damages. It’s just that Jake is an idiot and screwed everything up with the radio contest.

JAKE: Wait, what do I have to do with any of this?

SAM: I was gonna snag your winnings to cover my behind.

JAKE: Sam!

SAM: It was the easiest way to fix this.

JAKE: Robbing me??

DANNY: (pinching at the bridge of his nose) What I can’t wrap my head around here is why neither of you are willing to dig into your own stinking pockets. I mean, you both have money for crying out loud.

Satan appears next to Sam’s shoulder.

SATAN: I say you punch the curly haired guy in the kneecaps for questioning your plan.

Sam looks like he’s considering it.

CAMERAMAN: Dude, there’s literally nothing to worry about. I mean, yeah, it would be nice to have the camera today to do the shoot, but it’s no sweat. I’ve got the thing insured.

SAM: Insured?

CAMERAMAN: Yeah, I don’t have to pay out of pocket to fix it.

Sam looks to be having a hard time grasping this concept.

JOSH: (softly, to Sam) Do you not know what insurance is?

Sam shakes his head, embarrassed.

JOSH: Huh. I thought you did since you really didn’t get too upset about Danny breaking your window last night.

DANNY: Yeah, that’s mostly why I did it. I knew State Farm would be a good neighbor.

SAM: I wasn’t worried about the window because I kinda like the draft it makes. It helps air out the place, especially after Rosie rips her massive farts. Boy, can that dog make a stink.

No one knows what to do with this information.

JAKE: Let me get this straight, you were going to keep your front window broken like that through the winter?

SAM: I dunno, maybe? I didn’t really think about it too much.

DANNY: Oh, Sam.

SAM: You learn something new every day?

Satan is back in the room, pinching at the bridge of his nose and shaking his head.

SATAN: This is way too far out of my pay grade.

Satan vanishes. Sam waves goodbye to him. To Jake, Josh, Danny, and the rest of the trailer, it looks like he’s waving goodbye to an empty corner in the room. Jake makes a noise like he remembered something.

JAKE: (to Josh) He’s been talking to the shadow people again.

JOSH: Aw [expletive censored with the Buddy Holly riff].

Danny cautiously approaches Jake and tucks his arm around his shoulders. Jake looks like he wants to slither out of Danny’s grasp, but Danny holds him tight.

DANNY: I want to strike a deal with you.

JAKE: I want to strike you in the kneecaps.

Sam looks at Jake in shock. Is he Satan?!

DANNY: (ignoring Jake) I’ll pay for your replacement amp if you agree to go to the screening of Saturday Night Fever with me.

Jake opens his mouth to protest.

DANNY: (continuing) And you have to do the worm on camera during your guitar solo for our music video.

JAKE: Huh?

JOSH: This vision, Jake, it’s enough to blow your underwear into the stratosphere. Just picture it: your guitar solo starts, you drop down in the grass, and do the most impressive worm the world has ever seen in slow motion while a fire rages in the background.

JAKE: I can’t do the worm.

JOSH: Not with that attitude.

JAKE: (to Danny) Can I bring in my lawyer to negotiate the terms?

DANNY: We both know you don’t have a lawyer.

JAKE: Do too.

DANNY: Josiah Cockerell is not a real person. You just throw out his name when you want to scare people with a fake lawsuit.

JAKE: Shoot, I spend too much time with you.

DANNY: So, are you gonna take me up on this or waste the rest of your life away trying to win cheesy radio contests?

The camera zooms in on Jake’s face as he tries to make a decision. We see that the perspective is coming from Sam - he’s got his film camera back out and is standing about three feet away from Jake, zooming in so far that the lens nearly presses against Jake’s nose. Jake pushes Sam’s camera out of the way and huffs.

JAKE: Fine.

DANNY: Shake on it.

Jake and Danny spit into their hands, wipe their spitty hands across each other’s faces, play a quick round of patty cake, do a spin, bump their hips together, and then shake.

DANNY: It’s been nice doing business with you.

JAKE: Can I at least watch a couple of tutorials on how to do the worm before I go out there?

JOSH: I think it would be a lot more powerful if you winged it.

JAKE: You hate me, don’t you?

SAM: I don’t want to dance.

DANNY: You can be in the middle.

SAM: Deal!

JOSH: Come on, guys. We’ll show you how it’s done.

Transition to Meeting the Master playing overhead. Josh, Danny, Jake, and Sam are back in the parking lot, dressed in their Meeting the Master music video outfits. Josh and Danny are dancing along to the music while Jake and Sam try to follow along behind them. They’re pulling every dance move out of their pockets - at times it looks like they're copying TikTok dances, at other points they could be on Broadway. They jump, they twirl, they point around, they wiggle their hips, they bust out moves that you would see on the dancefloor at a Father-Daughter dance. It’s a routine for the ages. When the guitar solo starts, Josh and Danny start screaming at Jake.

DANNY and JOSH: GO JAKE, GO! GET DOWN AND DIRTY! GO, WORM BOY! WIGGLE BOY, WIGGLE!

Jake chokes in terror and flops onto the ground. His worm looks more like he’s doing reverse crunches, continually planting his face into the grass. When his head retracts, he spits out clumps of grass. Even though his interpretation of the worm is a disgrace to the dance move, Danny, Josh, and Sam cheer him on like he’s killing it. When Jake picks himself back up from the ground, his white suit is covered with grass stains. Their stylist is going to murder him.

At the end of the song, Josh is really feeling it. He pushes in front of Sam, who was dancing in the middle, jumps up high in the air, and lands with a loud crack in the splits. Danny, Sam, and Jake immediately stop dancing and gape at him.

DANNY: Josh, that wasn’t a part of the choreog!

JOSH: (choking from the ground) I wanted to add a little shish boom pow at the end.

JAKE: The only shish boom pow you did was to your groin. God, I could hear that crack from space.

JOSH: (still on the ground) I can’t move.

SAM: No need to worry, you’re insured, right?

JAKE: You’re kind of getting the hang of it, Sam.

Danny approaches Josh’s side and lifts him from the ground with a grunt. Josh looks to be permanently stuck in the splits - as Danny lifts him up, his legs are still sticking out in opposite directions. Danny looks to Jake and Sam for help. Jake and Sam both nod: they know what they need to do.

JOSH: Hey, uh, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here. I actually feel fine. I love having my legs out like this.

Danny, Sam, and Jake ignore him. Danny holds Josh up even higher while he babbles. Jake grabs a hold of his leg in the front and Sam grabs his leg in the back. They both kick up their feet, trying to swing on his legs. Josh hollers as his legs snap back into place.

JOSH: [expletive censored with the Buddy Holly riff]!

DANNY: (as he puts Josh down) Better?

JOSH: (brushing himself off) Hardly. I feel awful.

DANNY: But, Josh, we have to dance! This music video is nothing without our bodies telling a story, just like Tony Manero did in Saturday Night Fever.

JOSH: I flew too close to the sun, Danny Boy. It’s time for me to strip off the wings before I hurt myself more. I have a yoga class that I can’t miss on Thursday.

Danny hangs his head. Jake watches him and feels a pang of guilt. He approaches Danny and puts a hand on his shoulder.

JAKE: Hey, I’ll still do the worm.

Danny looks at Jake in surprise.

DANNY: Really?

JAKE: Yeah. I mean, we made a deal, didn’t we? It won’t be the full dance, but at least you can get a bit of your messaging on screen.

DANNY: We can work with that.

JOSH: I told you he would see the light!

The episode ends with the director, cameraman, and assistant director watching a cut of the Meeting the Master music video. During Jake’s guitar solo, they watch footage of Jake doing his kind-of worm in slow motion in front of a bonfire. There are multiple different angles of him doing this and, with the music, it’s a truly bizarre sight. The crew members gape at the footage and then the director shuts it off.

DIRECTOR: Well…

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Oh god.

CAMERAMAN: We’re not keeping that, are we?

DIRECTOR: Absolutely not. That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

The Cameraman and Assistant Director breathe out in relief.

DIRECTOR: (continuing) It’s so bad, I want to throw myself out a window.

END OF EPISODE.

Notes: EVERYONE GIVE ALEX (@jmkho) SO MUCH LOVE FOR THE TITLE AND ADDISON (@starcatcherkiszka) FOR THE ORIGINAL IDEA!!! 🫶🫶🫶

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notafraidofredyellowandblue · 10 months

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I've seen quite a few times that the Mutter era was bad but what exactly was going on there? What caused it and stuff

Hi! I'm sure someone else has already posted about this earlier, but i can't really seem to find it, so i'm giving you my view of things here.

(Over the years (especially between let's say 2002 and 2010) several of the Rammstein members talked about it in interviews and there are several videos and transcripts out there.)

What imo basically happened that while making and recording the Mutter album, the Rammstein democracy was stretched to it's limit. And it all boiled down to Richard's ego and feeling of self-importance becoming too big and he tried to control the band. He insisted that things were done the way he wanted it, wasn't open to critique by the others, wasn't willing to change music he wrote for the songs. A massive burst of workaholicness, fueled by an equally massive amount of cocaine didn't help either. It was his way or the high way.

Initially when the Mutter album came out (to many, including me, one of their best ever), these things weren't immediately clear to the outside world, but over time, it became clear from veiled (and eventually not so veiled) comments, that the atmosphere between the bandmembers was at an all time low, especially (but not just) between the guitarists there was no love lost. Although in some interviews there were hints that it wasn't just as black and white as Richard was wrong and all the others were right, and Paul i think also took some of the blame in saying that he wasn't always the most cooperative either, eventually over time also Richard himself acknowledged that the way he acted was the trigger for the fall-out and arguments.

In the Rammstein democracy it is almost never the case that it's always the same people on one side of the argument and the same others on the other side, the factions often shift depending on the topic at hand. But in the Mutter era conflict it is generally believed that only Till was still on speaking terms with Richard, and was likely the one who kept the band together. Till is not imo one to like heated discussions, and Till and Richard go way back, both professionally and in private. Paul is definitely on the other side of the argument, despite his sunny sweet easygoing guy image, Paul is a very determined person, no pushover and always ready to speak his mind and fight for his opinion. Schneider is generally believed to be on Paul's side during the Mutter years, although he is also known to be a mediator between the two guitarists when things overheat again in later years.

The argument had long shadows. With every further album the others feared Richard would start acting out again, and Richard feared the discussions and critique of the others. Some stated in interviews years later that they would out-veto or throw out something Richard made, just because it was Richard's idea. Not a healthy reaction maybe, but an understandable one. Richard often turned to Till and played the music he came up with first to him, knowing that if Till got inspired by a piece, and came up with a lyric to it, he would have a better chance of getting his songs past the Rammstein quality board. Powerplay really, but it is what it is, and the way it worked for years after.

They all lament after each album how difficult it is to work with the Rammstein democracy, but none more than Richard who after every single album stated in interviews that this would definitely be the last Rammstein album, because it was just exhausting. Fortunately he always changed his mind (that's the thing with Richard, he usually means it when he says it, but changes his mind pretty quickly), and there was always another album.

It wasn't until much later, i think in 2017 or 2018 that Paul mentioned in an interview the 'great chemistry right now and we love eachother more than ever', and the fact that in 2019 the Untitled album was released was a surprise to many, because many fans thought a new album would never happen. Ofcourse Richard still stated in some interviews that it would be the last, but traditionally we fans knew to ignore that and just rolled our eyes, and indeed by now we have another album, Zeit. Funny enough, of all the interviews that i read with Richard after Zeit, he didn't mention it would be the 'last' Rammstein album...and i've read many of them 🌺

The Mutter years, and Richard's huge creative drive to come up with new music, imo lead him to create Emigrate. In Emigrate it's all Richard's way, he decides everything, he chooses with who he wants to work. It also gave him a chance to work with other musicians he admired like Lemmy, but the urge to create and not be reigned in is at the basis of Emigrate. The others in Rammstein at first were weary; was Richard starting his own band and leaving Rammstein, especially when Richard wanted (and did) to invite Till to join on a few songs. But in the end it did help to balance things out. Richard gets his way in Emigrate and is more cooperative in Rammstein (still not an easy guy, but they manage it better now). Flake mentioned in one of his podcasts Richard being so prolific, coming up with so many ideas, it was just too much for one band; so i wouldn't be surprised if the others eventually felt the same.

again, my 2 cts, for what it's worth

#rammstein #mutter era #rammstein conflicts

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niall-ate-mynamee · 8 months

Text

note: well…here’s a little one shot for Nialler’s birthday (let’s pretend i didn’t post this 3 days after, yeah? ;))

hope you enjoy! <3

i haven’t proof read this, so any mistakes, please let me know!

It was Niall’s 30th birthday. He was alone. Sure, he had plenty of friends he could’ve invited over and drank until he passed out, but he wanted to be alone. He was missing his boys today. His boys.

Louis, the idiot, the prankster, his partner in crime. Oh, how he missed the laughs they had on and off camera. Louis was the one who could make him laugh in the midst of a breakdown.

Liam, “daddy direction” as everyone called him. His best friend. The man who had a heart of gold, but had demons he had been fighting and overcame. Liam would hold him tight when things got too much.

Harry, his younger-older brother. The man who Niall knew would always be loved by millions around the world and could be on tour every single day for the rest of his life and still have sold out shows. The man who would stay up all night when Niall couldn’t sleep.

Even Zayn, his brother from another mother. The man who protected Niall, no matter the circumstance or consequences. Who showed his love every single day. He would sit silently when Niall would rant and rave about the difficulties he experienced.

Niall missed them. Beyond anything. He knew they were all living their best lives and he was forever proud of everything they achieved. He’d follow their journeys. Their music was indescribable. He had all their albums, listened to them every single day. He’d watch back old interviews and One Direction videos just to feel closer to them.

But, all he ever wanted, was to see them again, hang out with them again, have a massive party, just the five of them. Was that too much to ask?

He was turning 30 now, and the only gift he wanted was them. Don’t get him wrong, the gifts, cards, texts and countless messages he’s received already from friends, family and fans are so amazing and he feels so cared about…but, there’s only four messages he’s yet to receive and if his heart is cracking every hour that passes with nothing, well, nobody has to know.

It’s nearing 5pm, the time his friends had asked him to be ready for because they have some surprise planned for him before they take him out for the night. Niall found it quite pathetic really, how a now-30 year old man was alone in his home moping about the past, but you’ll have to forgive Niall, because he’s never exactly been “normal”. He was always the odd one out.

When he was changed and ready, about to open up a beer to celebrate on his own before he would spend the rest of his day surrounded by people, there was a knock on the door. He bit back a groan, quickly taking a gulp from the bottle, while walking towards the door.

There was a second knock, and Niall rolled his eyes. Sometimes, his friends were so impatient. They knew he was in, and knew he was expecting them, so there was no need to knock more than once, dammit!

“I’ve told you before, if you keep knocking, I won’t-“ He froze as he opened the door, nearly dropping his beer, thinking he was going crazy, because there, standing right on his doorstep, grinning cheekily and arms full of gifts, and alcohol, were the only four people he wanted to see.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NIALLER!” They cheered, holding up various gifts wrapped neatly, cards with his name on, Louis of course had enough beer for them all to spend the entire next 12 hours drinking, and every single one of them had eyes sparkling with joy and love.

“Wh-what?” Is all he could choke out.

It was Liam who explained, “You didn’t think we’d ever forget your birthday, did’ya, Ni? Your mum had said you were celebrating alone this year, and we couldn’t have that, could we, boys?” Liam threw a wink to Niall as the boys nodded, “Thought we’d drop by and make sure you had some company. After all, you only turn 30 once!”

Niall was shocked. He couldn’t believe his boys were really here and standing just merely inches away from him. He could feel the tears gathering in his eyes and he thanked the gods his house was protected from any public passer-by’s.

“We love you, Neil, and we miss you…can we have the honour of celebrating your birthday with you?” It was Louis this time, and Niall choked on a sob before nodding frantically and launching himself on them and bringing them all into a group hug.

He could hear their laughter as their arms wrapped around him and held up tight. His nose was hit with all their scents and he breathed them in, making sure it was real and he hadn’t just gotten so drunk that he was hallucinating.

“You idiots…I miss and love you so much,” He whispered, not letting go. He felt a pair of arms under his thighs and he jumped slightly, wrapping his legs around whoever’s waist and feeling them carry him back into his house.

By the smell alone, he could tell it was Liam he was clinging onto, and he started to blush. It’s been over 8 years since he last was carried around by any of the boys like this, but he didn’t care in that moment, because he had his boys again and he’d be damned if he was letting them go now.

When they made it to the lounge, he lifted his head from where it was buried in Liam’s neck, and looked around. Louis was putting all the beers on the table (the one Niall had already was amongst the bunch and for a moment, he wondered how it got there because he didn’t remember putting it down or even letting go), Harry was placing all the gifts they had brought in a neat pile in the corner of the room, Zayn was putting multiple games (board and video), DVDs and CDs he had with him in separate piles on the other table and Liam still had a hold of Niall.

“What did ya wanna do first, Nialler? We’ve got films, music, games? Or we can give you your presents? The choice is all yours!” He heard Zayn ask, and Niall finally let go of Liam to look around at them all. He grinned and wiped at his eyes, making sure to take it all in and laughed, truly laughed, head thrown back and eyes sparkling with so much love and joy.

“You lads better have got me the most expensive gifts you could find, after all, I’m your favourite Irishman ever!” He joked, and everyone burst into laughter.

“Nah, I prefer Bobby Horan!” Harry smirked, earning himself a playful glare before being attacked by Niall and the two “babies” of their group ended up on the ground, and the laughter was even louder.

Five boys who grew into men back together. Their hearts beating as one, once again. Niall wouldn’t change anything for the world, because even though they’ve moved on from their past, and are all doing their own things, they’re family. No matter what life throws at them, they’ve always got four brothers ready to catch them.

Niall spent his 30th birthday with the people who meant more to him than he could ever describe. Niall would never celebrate another birthday alone ever again. He had his boys there for him, and he’d forever be grateful.

Maybe one day in the future, they’d make music together again, maybe they won’t, but either way, Niall had four brothers who he’ll forever love and cherish.

note: Happy birthday, Nialler <3

sorry it took me slightly longer to post, writers block has hit me hard lately!

i hope you guys enjoyed this, anyways! it’s slightly different to what/how i usually write, so let me know what you think! :)

i’ll be working on some prompts over the next few weeks, so there’ll be more coming very soon!

#niall horan #one direction #harry styles #zayn malik #liam payne #louis tomlinson #niall centric #niallerrr #zianourry #narry #nouis #niam #ziall #happy birthday niall!!#niall james horan #one direction one shot #one shot #happy 30th birthday nialler

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lovesickrobotic · 1 year

Note

do you have any tips for writing robo smut for people who don't know anything about computers/machines?

Unfortunately, I am a former repair technician and massive malware analysis and machine learning nerd

Here's some things I note:

- Nearly every AI is a neural network, not just programming anymore. Characters who are sentient are normally neural networks, thusly - makes more sense. Colossus I hc as not being a full neural network, but a prototype of one because he's not even digital!

- Neural networks have fun and exploitable oddities. If they learn too much, they become dumb (they cascade and stop caring about being right after they find a way to get positive reinforcement by breaking whatever you put them in). If you give them too much positive reinforcement, they will become addicted and forget to do other things - just like human addiction. Neural networks are prone to repetition and love to repeat words and phrases because they're programmed to see patterns - if you go to any talking AI with GPT and start making a list of colors, it'll go nuts. There are also many different types of neural networks, and learning how a few of them work can help you come up with new ways to write your favorite robots. (Purely as examples, I write AM as having a strong reinforcement for violence and GLaDOS as having heavy negative weights on human touch and humans. I write BT as being mildly addicted to you because being with a pilot is a positively reinforcing action... and so is bonding.)

- Computers probably don't bluescreen when they cum. It's like the human equivalent of women liking cervix-play - not impossible, but unlikely. Bluescreens only really happen from driver mishaps and physical problems. A better way to write it might be overheating, overclocking their hips (💀), gettin' lost in the sauce, fizzling/crackling audio as they use all their resources and lag out... the possibilities are endless!

- Look at a few board repair videos if you want spicy writing ideas 🤔. I honestly got a fairly complete understanding of soldering basics by watching a few while I ate years ago... it led me to this idea: what if someone bridged a wire from the power rail directly to the pleasure chip? This would deliver electricity to it, making it oversensitive! I would love to know what others come up with. It looks a lot more complex than it really is and is mostly having really straight hands and memorizing what round or flat shaped bits do what things.

- Try an AI! You can learn so much from it. character.ai features GPT, the transformer that can write to you and remember what you say. Google has Draw with DeepMind (the... the real one 😇), Jukebox AI can make weird music, 15AI can make GLaDOS confess her love to you in her voice... and there's the highly debated Stable Diffusion when you want to make random ideas into strange art (I used it to generate anime Walter White in a bikini, you don't have to rip anyone off!)

- What I say are only suggestions, and you don't have to do these things. Surely there are robots that bluescreen when they cum, and there isn't anything wrong with 'filling circuits' or not knowing about neural networks. Not everyone is interested in the finer details, and there's nothing wrong with that. Ultimately you should just write what you think is hot and fuck the haters, because your works are a gift and a privilege!

Dear Anon, if you would like to discuss further or share your works, I know everyone here would love to see them and give you lots of support. We are all just robot lovers 🥰

#ooc #anonymous #oh anon you're flattering me I'm just a level 1 goblin #nsft

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kamenstranger · 5 months

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Before I dive into this review proper I want to give a heads-up that I am about to get into book spoilers and will be approaching this review with the assumption you've read the source material, which the show also expects. Likewise, I cannot talk about the show without getting into spoilers, due to the very nature of it. If you want my one piece of spoiler-free advice; think of it as a spin-off. Cause it kinda is. You'll have a much better time in that "What If?/Elseworlds" mindset.

If spoilers are cool with you, let's jump into it.

So, I was pretty much obsessed with the series in 2010. I was about 17/18 when I first got into the series. The 6th book wasn't out yet, and I can't even remember how I got into the series to begin with. But I believe I ordered volume 1 followed by 2-5 as soon as I finished, or maybe I went all in. I know for a fact I preordered vol. 6 when I finished vol 5. Still have the receipt for it; July 18th, 2010. 10.58 total.

I followed the various video updates on the movie, fan art, fell in love with the game, bought a Smashing Pumkins shirt, and the Anamanaguchi soundtrack was even the first digital album I bought for myself. I was basically just at the right age and state of mind for the series to grab me and have a profound effect with its themes. I think it's something I needed at the time.

But as much as the series meant to me, it's something I mostly moved on from. After all, the book ended in 2010, and until recently I probably hadn't reread it since 2013 or so. My books are in remarkable condition, actually. I mostly kept up with O'Malley's other works, and preordered Seconds when that was announced. Sadly haven't been keeping up with Snotgirl as much as I'd like, but I digress.

So when the show got announced… well, honestly my first reaction was "That thing they should've done after the Adult Swim short" Because, yeah, animation is a better medium for it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the 2010 movie- one of the best theater experiences because the like 5 other people in the audience were massive fan girls loving all the bits. And there is a lot to love about the movie: its visual gags; the performances; the music selection; the overall direction- seriously, Edgar Wright doesn't get enough credit for how good he is at keying in on visuals. Dude knows how to translate comic panels and mimic the vibe of the source.

But it lacked the depth of the books. There's no major character arc for Scott and Ramona addressing their flaws. Hell, the books weren't even finished yet. There are a ton of great translations from comic to screen, but mostly the superficial. Moments like Scott's meeting with Knives in the alley showing that he's becoming more empathetic and confronting his mistakes are either absent or glossed over. Likewise, Knives' own journey of maturity isn't there. This isn't a complaint mind you, it's not like those cuts are unreasonable. I can hardly blame them for not cramming 6 (and incomplete) books into a two hour film. That just ain't gonna happen.

The biggest advantage in a series as opposed to a movie is the opportunity to properly explore the characters beyond a surface level. I'm not saying anything particularly revolutionary by stating the most universally agreed-upon element from the books is that Scott is a bit of a shit.

However, I think that statement is overly simplifying the situation and the character, one far too often invoked by hack frauds who don't truly engage with the work, because clickbait engagement is more valued than a nuanced analytical one. I won't sit here unpacking the full 6 volumes, you can check out someone like Popculturebuffet for that. But part of what works so well with Scott is that we don't initially know the extent of his baggage- and rightfully so. His worst aspect early on is ignorantly getting involved with Knives in the first place, stringing her along even after becoming enamored with Ramona, and being a bit of a slacker. This is something which is pointed out by literally everyone (sans Stephen) as being shitty. But otherwise, he seems fairly average and even endearing in a way. Scott's an affable character that's easy to like in spite of his very major flaws, and that's a statement that remains true throughout. The reader doesn't even get to simmer much on the scenario with Knives until later- and to some degree, this even applies to Scott himself. He's slightly oblivious to his actions, past and present. A prime example would be that we're initially under the impression that Scott doesn't like to drink, which is mostly true. Mostly.

It's not until volume 6 that it becomes clear he got into a drunken fight with Envy on New Year's, suddenly re-contextualizing that and other events. It doesn't negate how Envy was very much a bitch who treated Scott like complete garbage, cheated on him, and screwed his head up something fierce. She is unequivocally the worse person there. But it adds nuance that wasn't present before. I focus on the event with Envy because it's sort of a perfect microcosm of Scott as a character. Scott "doesn't" drink because of what happened, except on the 3-4 social occasions over the course of the 6 volumes, showing how he has a habit of just flat-out lying in various ways, including to himself. He's aware on some level, but simultaneously suppresses that awareness from memory and even re-imagines scenarios outright (Sometimes with a little help, unbeknownst to him) acting like everything was always fine on his end. This is even more true in his prior relationship with Kim.

Scott's solutions are half measures where he can pretend that he was always the victim in a breakup, or at least innocent and free of blame, thus never growing in a meaningful manner. Hell, that's the reason he ended up with Knives in the first place; he was trying to get over Envy, but not in a healthy manner. Change is seen as scary to Scott, and yet it's inevitable. That is, at least due in part to Envy changing into a hateful person. As such, Scott wants something simple where he doesn't have to put in effort. Knives is naive and doesn't see Scott for the dick that he is, she doesn't ask him to be better because he's already perfect to her naive mind. It's shallow, and a tad messed up, and everyone knows it, including Scott- hence his continued dreams about being alone. He knows it's not, cannot, and never will be serious. He's stupid, but not a monster- but stupidity can be a form of malice if one doesn't change their heart. It's not exactly like the story is even subtle about this. The entire existence of Nega Scott is that you can't fight the past, you can't run from it even if you hate that part of you. You have to confront it and accept it to move on, hopefully changing for the better. To say nothing of how Gideon is what Scott could become if he never owned up to it. That angle is why I felt Scott and Ramona worked. Quite frankly, Ramona is just as flawed of an individual running from her past. She's constantly trying to change herself, but always on a surface level. She's afraid of normalcy, of being stuck in a routine, of being happy. She makes out (Not that much) with her ex, Roxie, in anger because she sees Scott hanging with Lisa Miller and suspects the worst. She (rightfully) gets enraged at how Scott was still with Knives when he and her first went out, thus cheating- yet she did the same with the Katayanagi twins, and possibly Lucas. And, ya know, she never formally handed off the breakup letter to Gideon, so she's kinda doing the same thing Scott did with Knives and her. Ramona's past is just as checkered as Scott's. She's just as jealous, hypocritical, and nuanced. It just takes longer to realize that because she puts up emotional barriers and isn't the titular character/main focus. Neither one is evil, but they've wronged people. Often they've been wronged, and sometimes it's not a clean-cut scenario of easily blaming anyone. For all the great supporting cast, gags, fun references, and so forth, our two main protagonists being flawed yet likable is what makes the series compelling. The heart is two people gradually learning to get over their selves and their mistakes. To stop running away, and accept their faults and one another. Over the 6 books, we see them (albeit mainly Scott) put in the effort to be better, to build and maintain something special, and not just go with what's simple and easy. It's not about fighting the exes, it's about fighting for each other.

That type of character arc requires time for development. So, when it comes to this Netflix series, my biggest hope was simply that they would capture that element found within the books. In the lead-up to the show, there were some rumors about the exes having more to do, and I can see that working. As much as I do think the book does a fine job, Todd and Roxie are the only ones with a decent amount of depth. Matthew works perfectly because his simple backstory is a gag in itself. Lee is a fun character with a tiny bit of backstory, but it's barely there. Gideon I can forgive due to his mysterious final boss nature and his schtick is being the extreme opposite of Scott. But the Twins? They're shafted pretty hard. They're there to fill out a roster. Honestly, though, even Roxie would've benefited greatly from the smallest of backstories ala Lucas Lee. She's perhaps the most interesting because she and Ramona are on good enough terms to have coffee together. Hell, Rox genuinely cares for Ramona, and unlike Lucas Lee, she's prominent enough in the story that a simple flashback could have been the cherry on top of all that.

The other part is streamlining story elements. No surprise there. From the get-go, O'Malley said it was not a 1-1 adaptation, and honestly, it shouldn't be. Some parts should be changed for the sake of convenience, and frankly, the book has some superfluous parts. Does anyone even remember Jason Kim? He shows up like twice as "dude with car" and apparently dating Kim Pine until dorking her housemate. That gives the impression of each character having their own life and drama that we're not privy to, which is nice. But it's also not important to include outside the books. Kim (Pine) becoming self-conscious when Envy is brought up, smiling when Scott stays over, or her dead-eyed expression as she lies during the fight with the Twins. All of that says far more about her, her feelings, her love life etc.

Then there's Knives' dad. Fun in the book, wouldn't take him out. But completely unneeded for emotional and narrative development. Sometimes you gotta look at the source material and realize that even if you like something, tacking on an extra hour for the most obvious whodunit would kill the pacing in an adaptation. (That was a LOTR reference for those playing at home)

However, the above scenarios are a trepidatious path. How does one decide what needs reworking, cutting, or expanding? They're necessary for an adaption, but they're not always obvious. If you're not careful, you can completely undermine or mishandle key elements that made the original so beloved. You risk removing seemingly innocuous moments that add a lot to a character's growth. Above, I mentioned that the Twins got shafted in the book, but there isn't really a good place to expand upon them in the original story. They're not as important as Ramona's growing discontent. It's why Scott's fight with robot 01 is relegated to background gags while we focus on Ramona and Kim. You could put a flashback during the final confrontation with the Twins, but that would muck up the pacing and take away from Kim's far more important character moment in lying to Scott to bolster him. The Twins are just narrative scaffolding holding a spotlight on what we should be focusing on. That's what all the exes are to some extent. Shallow, sure, but only so the other characters get depth.

It's not an easy line to walk. If you push too hard on telling a more original story or focus too much on "correcting" various details, you can negate what were otherwise successful plot points. Do too little and the pacing falls apart because the medium is completely different. Would the changes made still contain a similar level of depth and satisfying character arcs, or would it merely be a shallow reworking of the broadest of strokes? The only way to not lose is not to play. These are the concerns I had in the lead up to the show, which is fairly routine. We also weren't getting a lot of information storywise, aside from that it would be mostly doing its own thing (This is something that should have been emphasized more in marketing) The trailers showed familiar set pieces; that Ramona delivers DVDs for Netflix now, which is a great and absurd change; You saw some of the streamlining by having Scott rent Lucas Lee films, thus inadvertently getting a head start on that and cutting out the No Account Video segment; there's a brief original bit where Ramona talks to Julie about how well the date with Scott went. Most of the setting also looked like it was from the first and sixth volumes, which was a tad odd. But other than that, they were tight lipped about the narrative. Most of the promotional focus was on music, the returning cast, and the animation. All great things unique to this medium that we will get into in due time. Speaking of, let's finally discuss

Scott Pilgrim Takes Off

So you know how Final Fantasy 7 Remake emphasized the "Remake" part? Well, we kinda have that here with the "Take Off" part.

I'll just cut right to the chase. Scott seemingly dies in the fight with Patel in the first episode. Episode two is his absolutely absurd funeral. Almost the rest of the episode is centered around Patel wanting to take over the league for himself, and succeeding in doing so, gaining all of Gideon's assets, while the league dissolves once they realize Patel didn't even get Ramona back after winning.

This is uh, certainly a direction to go.

Let's put aside not following the source material and this being an original story. Why should I care about this story? I'll concede that he and Gideon have a great fight. The animation from Science Saru is great, and the voice performances are great: Shoutouts to Satya Bhabha, his delivery is impeccable, hilarious, and a major highlight of the show. But why should I care about these events, this retake? What's the hook? Thus far, the primary purpose of the show feels like a fake out, gags, and fights. I spent the opening of this review going over the emotional weight of the books, that's the anchor. So far, I'm getting moments without substance. Am I supposed to care because I have a prior connection to these characters? This is something I wouldn't figure out a proper description and answer for until the finale. My issues also felt exacerbated by both the advertisements not making the original story angle clear, and also how good the first episode starts off. Because Cera as Scott is truly perfect. Cera was a voice actor before transitioning to the screen, and his performance is top-notch in addition to being a great vocal fit to begin with. So it's kinda disappointing to not have him around for quite a bit. Anyway, the second episode ends with Ramona dreaming and hearing Scott's voice, meaning that Scott isn't dead, he's in Subspace or somewhere.

Episode 3: Ramona Rents a Video.

As if answering one of my questions immediately, the third episode finally gives a hook as Ramona starts playing detective, like Pikachu Columbo. That's the selling point, that this is primarily Ramona's story.

She checks out footage of the Patel fight, showing that someone pulled Scott through a portal (Hence the title of the show, wink-wink.) Ramona then heads to First Cup to get a person of interest list from Julie- which is a pretty damn funny sequence, actually. I'm starting to enjoy the show at this point, and it's kinda wild how much more enjoyable Julie is in both the movie and show compared to the comics. Sure, she's a bitch, but she's a fun bitch due in no small part to Aubrey Plaza's wonderfully riled vocals. After getting the necessary info, Ramona is led to Kim since she knew Scott the longest. We even get a cute story about the poorly drawn Sheep Scott did, which looks hilariously WAY worse in the show.

There's also a key comment from Kim that I think is to make a point for dorks like me. Kim mentions that she was once kidnapped by a guy named Simon and rescued by Scott. That was a false memory of Scott's in the books. In vol. 6, Kim pointed out to Scott that Simon was just a dude she went out with like twice, probably hugged, and Scott beat up. This is one of a number of clues that seem to be here to firmly establish this isn't the same continuity as the books being messed with, and should not be thought of as a sequel if that was a concern.

Anyways, their conversation is cut short when Roxie arrives in the hope of rekindling her former flame. But things go south pretty quickly and Roxie's hotheadedness takes over.

What follows is one of the best fights in the show, equal parts funny and clever. Hell, it starts with Rox drawing her sword and accidentally cutting the sprinkler line. It adds a dramatic pseudo rain that's completely negated by Kim's wonderfully deadpan expression as all the damn tapes in the store become soaked.

During the scuffle with Ramona, a shelf of movies falls on the two which… somehow transports them into various movies? I dunno, we're working off video game logic, I guess Gex counts. It's a sequence that I'm sure was done purely for looking interesting. To its credit, the visual styling is on point. From Japanese historical drama to a post-Matrix early 2000s green filter era, to a scratchy film-grain-heavy WW2 film. The backing track also flows into each film genre. I also love a quick gag where Kim watches the fight on a CRT and fucks around with the rewind and pause feature, allowing Ramona to counter an earlier attack. Roxie gets knocked back into the store, smashes the remote, and gets dragged back into the movies by Ramona. That's great.

As the fight continues, Ramona and Rox begin arguing about their relationship, and we get that flashback sequence! It's a small thing, but they show that Ramona left without a word and how that tore Roxie up. Good lord, someone hug that poor girl, she looks like a sad puppy. In a legit great moment, Ramona has to confront how she treated Roxie, sincerely apologizing for it, which Roxie tearfully accepts it. I gotta say, Mae Whitman really gets to shine in the role more than ever. She's one of those I point to when talking about just how perfect everyone sounds exactly how I'd expect.

After the fight, she hangs out with Ramona and Kim for a bit, being very flirty with both. Kim even smooches her for the hell of it, although both admit there wasn't anything there. But hey, they managed to still get a Bi-curious Kim in here, and in a way that was better than in the books.

Elsewhere, a beat-to-hell Gideon arrives in town, meeting with Julie, an old schoolmate.

I legitimately liked this, there's actual emotional weight going on, there's interesting shit being done, and I'm settling into the show's intent. I like the idea of giving Ramona her own story with a slight focus on how she feels about her past. I think her going out of the way as much as she does for Scott, a dude she just met, is a little flimsy. Again, it's really expecting the audience to care because we, in theory, care about them getting together.

Ep. 4: Whatever.

Things get really fucking meta in this one. Ruling Roxie out as the kidnapper, who didn't even know Scott was alive, Ramona turns her attention to Lucas Lee, who is starting a new picture in Toronto.

Turns out the movie is from Young Neil's screenplay, which "he" wrote back in ep 3, or rather a mysterious "sleep paralysis demon" he saw did. The movie is about Scott's life if he won the fight with Patel.

This toying with the universe thing is getting a little unsettling.

Most of this episode is one big meta gag about making a Scott Pilgrim movie with Director Edgar Wrong. I'm not even mad at this, I'm just completely flabbergasted at what the hell I'm seeing. And this will become a reoccurring bit throughout.

Also hope you like gags about Knives' age cause holy shit they reference this a lot throughout the show.

It's at this point in my viewing process I have developed a headache.

To give some credit, Lucas is fun in this episode. He's more in line with the film version, and Evans actually sounds better than ever, likely thanks to age and simply having more to say. And like with Roxie, Lee has a Flashback. There isn't much more than what was in the book, but I think the presentation is better. Seeing Ramona patch him up after a bad fall, and Lucas arranging his Locker (which is filled with photos of Ramona) as she and Todd walk behind him. Man, that stings.

Needless to say, Lee isn't responsible for Scott's disappearance and with the whole "controversy" regarding him dating a 31 year old actress playing a highschooler, he's hounded off the lot and has to be replaced by Todd, which seems to be a reoccurring thing for him.

Ep. 5: Lights. Camera. Sparks?!

I'm now starting to believe this entire show may have been an elaborate troll towards people obsessed with adaptation accuracy to a fault. I almost want to applaud the sheer audacity of it. Suffice it to say, 95% of this episode is done in a documentary style, and there are a lotta hijinks on set. Ramona is working as Envy's stunt double just so she can have easier access to the set and hopefully get a lead from Todd. Wallace also bones Todd. A LOT. Oh yes, Wallace shacks up with Todd, and Todd is really into it. Wallace, on the other hand, just wanted to hook up with a hot dude, leading to a whole excursion and depressive vegan breaking episode for Todd. Brandon Routh really gets to go full ham here, and it's wonderful.

Some damn funny parts aside, Todd wasn't behind the portal, but it was certainly vegan in nature. Ramona is otherwise back to Square one until Patel, by happenstance, arrives on the lot to fire everyone. Afterward, Patel has a brief confluence with Stephen Stills and Knives, who manage to get an in with him. Since Scott's apparent death, Knives has taken his place in Sex-Bob-omb on Bass (and keyboard) making decent music with Stephen Stills. The importance of that will come into play next episode.

Patel then turns his attention to Ramona. Obviously, Patel wouldn't have any reason to keep Scott around, but it's entirely plausible Gideon, or rather his real identity, Gordon Goose, would as part of a revenge scheme.

Ep. 6: WHODIDIT. This episode starts with probably the best opening gag that I kinda don't wanna ruin despite spoiling everything else. I'm probably gonna be adding "I was gone for 90 %#&! minutes" to my quotes, though.

In any case, this is a fairly straightforward episode. Ramona interviews Julie once again, but it becomes clear that Gideon, Goose, has neither the mental state nor resources to pull something like that off. As an aside, we get a flashback with him as well, showing that he was the school nerd. He supposedly had no fear (No pain) until he aimed well above his status in asking a girl out, leading to him being laughed out of school, which Julie remembers all too well.

It seems like another dead-end, but when Ramona accompanies Julie back to her house, they both see a familiar Robot, the Twins' 01 Robot, which has been making very unsubtle appearances in every episode up to this point; Lee's place; outside the video store; the studio lot, etc. We also have a B-plot with Stephen Stills and Knives making music for a stage adaption of Neil's Screenplay so it doesn't go to waste.

Cute.

It's here where it becomes known that Neil didn't write the script, and upon checking the original file, realize something is off and that Ramona should be informed. All parties gather in Ramona's apartment as she goes over the pertinent information in whodidit (dunit?) fashion, including treating us to another flashback, this time with the twins. It's probably the least engaging of the flashbacks, honestly. Even in this, they get shafted. Regardless, the who and how are solved. But Not the why or where. Where Scott is remains a mystery, but it's likely the Twins know, which is where Ramona intends to check out.

Oh, and the information the gang has about Neil's Script? The metadata says it was written 14 years from now. But just as more questions are raised, another winds up on Ramona's doorstep; Scott, safe and mostly sound. The Twins were in fact behind it, and the robot, and… himself.

Ep. 7: 2 Scott 2 Pilgrim.

Yes, the one who pulled Scott out of Time was himself, from the future; a 37 year old Scott. The how is rather simple and already answered; the Katayanagi twins. Older Scott and them became friends in the future, even starting a band; Pop'n TwinBee (RIP Shatterband.) By the way, if you ever wanted to hear Will Forte sing a hilariously bad cover of Konya Wa Hurricane from Bubblegum Crisis as an older Scott Pilgrim, this is the show for you. I was laughing my ass off at this.

Anyway, the robot was disconnected from a fixed time stream, and being a vegan cause, ya know, robot, is able to create portals. Therefore Time portals. As to the why, Scott showed his past self using a virtual reality machine on the Virtual Guuy[sic], complete with red and black pixel art mimicking the style of the game. Past Scott sees memories on the not Virtual Boy; Defeating the Evil Exes, future marriage to Ramona, their honey moon at Universal… and divorce. Well, technically they're just separated after 13 odd years of marriage. Older Scott has since been living with Wallace and his husband.

Exactly what happened is never stated, just that the pain was so much Scott decided to follow through on a sarcastic comment from Wallace and prevent falling for Ramona in the first place. Old Wallace sums up the mental state of Old Scott to regular Scott, describing it as "Like after Envy, times ten." Which uh, yeah, no wonder Older Scott's a tad kooky.

It's at this point I have to bring up personal stuff, and it's something that I thought I might have to. So, when Scott Pilgrim's Finest Hour dropped in 2010, I distinctly remember reading an interview with O'Malley about the ending. In the lead-up to the final book there was a lot of speculation from fans that maybe Scott and Ramona wouldn't end up together (there was a strong case to be made for Kim) maybe it would end badly since both Scott and Ramona have their struggles. Some people even thought he would end up with Knives, which is missing the entire point of her character arc, and also fuck no.

Ultimately we got the ending we did because, at the time, O'Malley was happy, so he thought Scott should be happy. But O'Malley divorced in 2014.

I dislike bringing that up, but that was leading me to speculate (and brace myself) if that would have an impact here. I mean, how could it not? And look, there is a good argument that Scott and Ramona needn't stay together for their journey together to be satisfying. It would fit right in line with the theme that things don't always stay the same. People can grow apart, even the important ones that change your life. I don't like that outcome, but it's not as if it's wrong to consider. Particularly for a story like this.

But I also think there's an element of overt cynicism to that. What's interesting is that the show doesn't go in that direction. In fact, it's actually insistent that Ramona and Scott can't help but be drawn to one another, there's a spark there. We even get a scene of Scott hooking up the 01 robot to the VR, and since 01 is connected across time, he can see into the past versions. The robot seen throughout the show was Scott seeing that Ramona was constantly looking for him, and that's genuinely sweet.

Still, the situation is bad, as Scott is trapped in the future and can't use the Robot to travel for reason.

On Young Scott's insistence, he and Older Wallace meet up with Older Ramona, discovering she was the one who went back in time and wrote Young Neil's Screenplay in a failed attempt to preserve their story and hopefully thwart Older Scott. (Let's not go crossed-eyed thinking too hard about paradoxes)

He's a misguided idiot, but Ramona still loves the moron, even if she has her doubts after her failed plan. But Scott's words of encouragement about his Ramona never giving up on him gives her hope. Importantly, she can time travel with her DeLorean roller blades, which is how Scott can and did get back to the past.

But even after Scott's return and reunion, their problems aren't over, as a force field prevents Ramona and Scott from kissing. Someone is still interfering, and the list of who might as well just be the entire list of exes. Thankfully, Stephen Stills and Knives have a convenient plan: The stage musical is going to have all the exes in attendance, so they've got one big gathering spot to get to the bottom of this.

This is one of my favorite episodes of the show. It's cool seeing older versions of the characters, and frankly, the presentation is just great. I do think that too much of that emotional weight is relying on events from the books for your investment. I know, I know. Can't enjoy a good thing without a critique. Still, this is a great episode, one of my favorites along with ep. 3, and our next and final episode.

Oh, and the end credits has a proper rendition of Konya Wa Hurricane, so that's fucking cool.

Ep. 8: The World Vs Scott Pilgrim.

So here we are at the big finale at the premiere of the Scott Pilgrim Musical.

The thing is, none of the exes seem to be suspect. Gideon is the only one with ulterior motives, but they're not towards Scott and Ramona, he just wants to blow up the stage and Matthew Patel.

But not long after everyone is seated something goes awry. A portal appears and transports all the exes and Scott's friend group (And also Julie and the robot) to a barren land.

The one behind this, and the force field, was an Even Older and very buff Scott (47) He slipped past Scott nano machines as a backup to prevent him from ever getting close to Ramona, but even that wasn't enough. So for 10 years he trained to take everyone out, as it's the only way to be sure. And so our final battle begins: The World vs. Scott Pilgrim. If you listen closely to the track during this scene "Big Bad" incorporates elements of "The Dark One" Nega Scott's theme from the game. That's a nice touch.

Even Older Scott is no pushover, he breaks Ramona's Hammer, and despite a fairly good comeback from regular Scott, he beats him pretty bad. The others come to his aid, Knives attacking with daggers, but Even Older Scott punches Knives so hard he knocks the highlights our of her hair.

Ramona begins handing out items from her bag, cyber broccoli for Todd, a cyber skateboard for Lucas, and a cyber sword for Roxie, just as the sub boss music from the game kicks in. Along with Matthew's mystic arts, they mange to actually lay into Even Older Scott, but that only causes him… to go… even further beyond, and One hit KO the four.

The Twins Robot is ineffectual and even Gideon's not quite the glow-douken has no effect. Even Older Scott just grabs it and turns it against Stephen, Knives, Kim, and Neil. This. This is actually fucking awesome. It's going full Shonen ham.

We're down to just Ramona and Scott, who team up and hit him together, followed by Scott and Even Older Scott literally butting heads. We get our obligatory speech between a younger Scott just wanting to live his life, and Even Older Scott saying he'll just end up where he's at if he does.

And it finally clicked into place what the hell Scott Pilgrim Takes Off actually is. This is like a Shonen spin off story. Your Broly Trilogy, Hunter X Hunter The Last Mission, Naruto Blood Mission. But with an X-men time travel plot slapped on. It's an excuse to play around and do different (mostly cool) shit with a set of familiar characters. Like a movie or OVA, the characterization isn't as deep as the main source material. It banks on you giving a damn because of the familiarity so they can mostly get right to the cool bits and not try as hard or waste time on the re-interpretative parts. Don't think too hard about the misgivings, think about Akuma Scott beating the shit out of everyone while the familiar music you're nostalgic for plays.

And goddamn that's frustrating because that's what they should've led with. All the damn trailers were dancing around the new material and making it seem like an adaptation. To keep on the Anime brand, if people are expecting a "Brotherhood" or "Ultimate" version with a Cast they like, and then they don't get that… well yeah that's not gonna go over well. I can't fault anyone for being mad about that. That's having the rug pulled out from under you. But once you realize what this is, and what it's doing, it's a lot easier to enjoy and be its own thing. It branches off a similar story to the books, but it's not like this is a canonical revision or sequel to them.

That said, just because it's "less developed" doesn't mean this is without heartfelt moments I enjoy. When it seems like Even Older Scott has the upper hand, an even older Ramona shows up to chew old Scott out for not even texting in 10 years, fighting people in the past rather than fighting for them, all because of one rough patch. It's funny, but it also confirms the biggest divergence. This is a world where Scott was never kicked out during the Roxie chapter, a world without Gideon's "Glow" mental manipulation, and presumably Scott never faced his inner demons because of it. This also means Ramona didn't run off after the twins' defeat because the glow wasn't affecting her mentality, and thus she faced her own. That one line snowballs into a lot of stuff not happening for their character growth. That- that is an interesting concept.

This all leads to a poignant scene where Ramona questions her older self if she should even bother. What's the point if it ends up like this? Maybe it's best to just keep moving. But, that's also Ramona's thing, isn't it? Running away from what she loves, which is presumably (along with his own stupidity) what set Older Scott down a spiral in the first place. In a scene that parallels Scott's own understanding within the books, Ramona comes to realize she's ran all her life.

In the end, Ramona chooses to stop running and embrace herself, quite literally. Both Ramona's combining into, as Scott puts it "Super Ramona" Able to see the situation for what it is, one Scott still in many ways a dumb kid, the other Scott just a sad mess. She simply sends Older Scott back to his time with the hope he'll straighten out. Meanwhile, the nano machines are still a problem with current Scott. But that's nothing a super form can't overload with a determined kiss. Daww.

Before things go back to normal and because she'll have trouble saying it later, she tells Scott she loves him, and that she tends to run away from what she loves. But who she was in the past isn't who she is now. She just needs help remembering that.

Everyone returns to the theater to enjoy the rest of the musical, and Patel's demon girls subvert Gideon's plans. After the show, he and Julie are apprehended, but Matthew instead begs Gideon to take all his crap back. He has no idea how to run a company, is stressed out, and has lost billions. All Matthew wants is to continue the stage show.

We then get an epilogue. Lucas Lee takes up a job at Second First Cup; Todd has returned to being a Vegan with coaching from Roxie; The rental store Kim worked at closes down; Wallace takes a vacation to Paris where he meets Mobile; Knives continues performing with Sex-Bob-Omb as their keyboardist; Ramona gives up delivery work and instead returns to being a stunt double.

We end on Ramona coloring her hair once again, before heading out and meeting with Scott and the others, as Plumtree's Scott Pilgrim plays us off.

Only for a mid-credits scene to show Gideon and Julie plotting revenge. Oooo.

And that is Scott Pilgrim Takes Off.

s'allright, innit? Okay, joking aside- I think I'm gonna have a hard time conveying my feelings on this one. But I still have three more things to talk about before we get to my final thoughts.

First off, the voice acting is great, shockingly great. I'm a person who is very much of the mindset that you should hire voice actors for voice roles BUT, in this instance, I can understand why. It's incredible they got everyone back and how well they work. I've already given my praise to Cera, Bhabha, Plaza, Whitman, Routh, and Evans in the story portion of this review. But I'm drastically overdue to talk about Winstead's performance. I think this was the one people were most curious about because in the movie there was this aura of Ramona feeling more "cold" in her personality. This was due to the original direction they wanted to take that version, and sadly it meant we didn't quite get a more angles. Here? Yeah, this is pretty great. We hear Ramona full of regret, angry, annoyed, sentimental. It's a much more well-rounded version. My one nitpick is Winstead needs to work on her battle cries, it really stands out in the Roxie fight opposite a veteran VA like Whitman. But otherwise, this is how I imagine Ramona sounding. And I'd be remiss if I didn't bring up how anytime Ramona has a vulnerable moment talking about Scott, she genuinely sounds smitten. The Future Ramona (the first one) in particular stands out to me. That's a version of the character that's older, clearly hurt, and weary, but still very much in love. I can't help imagining that being applied to scenes from the book. In Vol. 5 the part after The Twins are defeated and Scott returns. That scene always tears me apart when I read it. I'm fairly certain if I heard Cera and Winstead's performance of that it would rip my soul out. So maybe it's best we only have this original story. So yeah, I'm happy to see that she fits right into the role better than ever.

Another performance I've yet to mention is Ellen Wong, who is just as perfectly energetic as she was in the film. It's a shame we don't get to hear her do a somber Knives in this setting, but it's hard to complain with how pleasant it is hearing her chipper over the top excitement. Alison Pill's Kim Pine is as sardonic as always, and much like Routh and Evans, I think she's even better now. Johnny Simmon sounds exactly the same, no complaints, 10/10. Jason Schwartzman is an experienced VA, so no surprise he sounds fine. He doesn't get to stretch out much since Gideon isn't super prominent here. Although episode 6 did show a lot of range and potential for what you could do with him. Maybe next season? Similarly Brie Larson's Envy doesn't have a whole lot of screen time, but she's equal parts charming and manipulative. Honestly, for a small as the role is, it made me realize just how much Larson is good at the role and how that level of emotion is often subdued in roles elsewhere. Honestly, I hate to say it, but Mark Webber's Stephen Stills is probably one of the weaker performances on the show. It's not even that it's bad, it's fine and works- except for the animation. That's the one caveat. There are a couple of moments where Stephen Stills is pantomiming, and the voice doesn't match that energy. Truth be told, I even sorta have a similar issue with Kieran Culkin's Wallace, which I swear looks like the syncing was off in the earlier episodes. The saving grace is that Wallace has more scenes than Stephen Stills and therefore Culkin got more opportunities. This is sorta the area I mean when I think it's best to get trained VA. It's a completely different medium and hard to jump into immediately.

I don't wanna end this segment on a downer, so I'll once again mention Will Forte sings Like a Hurricane. OH, Segue.

Soundtrack

So I did not know what to expect going into this. I mean, I was a fan of Anamanaguchi, but I hadn't kept up since Endless Fantasy, sans the Miku single- which is really good by the way. And Joseph Trapanese I was most familiar with from his collaboration with Daft Punk on Tron Legacy, so no worries there. But I did wonder how well a chiptune heavy sound would work. As much as I dig it, it's a very upbeat vibe. Even some of Anamanaguchi's more dramatic tracks have a charming bubbliness to them. How would that work within a series? Well, the short answer is they don't have as much chiptune going on as you would assume. There are a few that incorporate chiptunes to a limited degree, others a bit more, but most not at all. The vast majority of the OST is more traditional fair and Synthwave, and in a way, it sorta mimics my own evolving tastes. I still listen to Chiptune stuff, but I'm also really big into synth music nowadays. It feels like a proper bookend to my late-teens early twenties listening to Anamanaguchi, and later Dance with the Dead and Midnight Danger, and now Anamanaguchi's synth offerings. One of the tracks, Yet Another Winter Again (Calling back to the first stage in The Game) has a Redbook audio sound with a hint of Chiptune, but not the NES/GB Anamanaguchi is known for. It sounds like a SNES. In fact, I would compare the track to something you'd hear in VA-11 Hall-A. So even when there are chiptunes, we're branching out quite a bit in both sound fonts and style. Of course, there are a couple of vocal tracks as well. Like the movie, there are universe songs for Sex-Bob-Omb. They have a unrefined roughness to them, which is perfect for a small unprofessional indie band. As for some of my favorite tracks, the aforementioned Yet Another Winter Again; He's You; And They were Roommates; Blame it on the Goose; Big Bad; Bad Guys; Knives & Kim; and God Only Knows. I'm sure that'll change as time goes on. I'm really digging Lucas' flashback music, and Fond Memories, nice parallel between those two. In fact there's quite a few pieces that, in tandem with the animation, do a lot to sell those heartwarming (or wrenching) moments.

Animation.

Oh right, the animation. So, if you read my Castlevania Nocturne review, you know I went on a slight tangent about how I think it's silly that they labeled it an anime despite it being produced and partly animated in goddamn Texas. It was just a label because they're embarrassed to call their super serious animation what it is because they think anime sounds more mature. I swear some people still think it's 1985 and Vampire Hunter D is the wildest shit cause blood.

Funny thing about Scott Pilgrim though, it's just straight-up animated by Science Saru. I'm not here to get into semantics, because then we'll be asking if Batman TAS counts because Sunrise. I just find it funny. At the very least Takes Off certainly fits the bill more than Nocturne does. But back on topic, it's fucking good. I mean, I don't think that comes as any surprise. Science Saru has made a name for doing really impressive work from Devilman Crybaby, to Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken!, and the shorts Akakiri and T0-B1 for Star Wars Visions. Not to mention supplemental work for the Garo anime, OK-KO, and Adventure Time. So Scott Pilgrim is perfectly in their wheelhouse, and they do an incredible job capturing O'Malley's illustrations while adding their own unique flare to the styling.

Sadly Tumblr's gif size limit means I can't easily showcase some of the fights as much as I'd like, but suffice it to say the level of fluidity and cinematography is astonishing. Again, episode 3 is an amazing showcase in itself.

To say nothing of how expressive everyone is in the show.

Also this is a weird one, but I think with the exception to episodes 5 & 7, each episode has Ramona going through a bleaching and dye routine. It is bizarrely satisfying to watch, like the tea making in Samurai Jack.

Final Thoughts.

Takes Off was both a confusing shock and a pleasant surprise upon first viewing. It's impressive in its existence, and has moments that I fucking love. Like the Shonen it emulates, it does also come off as a tad superfluous or melodramatic in many respects. But it is fun to bust out old toys and play with them again. The fact that in 2023 I'm seeing a new work related to Scott Pilgrim is fucking incredible. I'm happy that this exists, I'm happy to hear the cast together again, and happy to hear some great music tracks. And I do love the characters of Scott Pilgrim, I love the performances in this show, I love numerous parts of this show. But, I also think it's fair to say what I love most aren't these characters. And that's okay. Those characters should remain in the series that ended in 2010, while these are easily malleable versions for an animated series to have fun with. Maybe you could never capture or replicate the exact magic of the books again, so it's better to just do your own thing. Takes Off was, in the end, a fun time that I think works best when you know what you're getting into. Once you're armed with that knowledge, I think you'll find a show much easier to appreciate.

All that said, as backhanded as this is going to seem, I still think the nicest thing that Takes Off did was get me to re-read the book series for this review. I got to re-examine a profound series from the perspective of a 31 year old, but still find all that I originally loved as a 17 year old. When it comes to adaptive works, no matter what, the nice thing is you'll always have the originals to go back to. You change, maybe your tastes change, and certain things hit differently or don't hold up when you go back. But it's nice to revisit. I think nostalgia can be a poison. Too many people get caught up in wanting to relive the exact moment, to be trapped. But I think it's more fun to see something you love still remain a love even after so much time has passed. I'm happy with how I felt as a teenager reading a story about emotional growth. Some personally, some apart, and others closer. In my 30s, I still appreciate that, and it still affects me and resonates. But just because I cherish that above all else doesn't mean I wouldn't be interested in more Scott Pilgrim. And if O'Malley and Grabinski wanna make more people sing 80s anime songs badly, I'll be on board for that alone.

Or Roxie flirting with every woman. Seriously, she's so much fun.

As always, thanks for reading. Reblogs are appreciated and you can find me elsewhere on the worldwideweb at: Bsky Ko-Fi

So does Gideon still have his exes frozen somewhere, or is that another difference?

Oh, and now that we have a Netflix Series, can we get a Nendoroid Ramona? There's been like no high end merch since Mondo in 2017.

#scott pilgrim #scott pilgrim takes off #netflix #bryan lee o'malley #edgar wright #bendavid grabinski #science saru #anime #animated

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