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cassielovesnewt · 22 days

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The stars - Newt

Warnings: none, just pure fluff (Newt survived and made it to the safe haven #jamesdashnercountyourdays)

Author note: Most of what I write is to put my ideas down into words, i just don't have the creative capacity to write my own book, so I have to use characters invented by somebody else. If anyone sees this, you're more than welcome to request, I'll try my best.

Summary: You realise why the lack of stars in the glade was so significant to you, and why, even if you had no recollection of the fact, you always compared them to him <3

The day you came up in the box was one of the most terrifying things you had ever experienced. Actually, it was the only terrifying thing you remembered experiencing, but that's not the point. When the doors opened, you did what any scared little girl would do, and you searched for the loving salvation of a womans gaze but found nothing. Only the curious stares of boys.

You can't remember why that was so terrifying, feeling so different and so confused, not knowing a single thing about yourself. Maybe it's because those terrifying boys are now the only things in the world you would actually kill yourself to protect, but you would never dream of being scared of any one of them. Especially him.

You don't know what it was about him, but as soon as your eyes met, you felt safe. They were brown, but not the boring kind, the deep kind of brown that makes you feel warm and loved, the kind of eyes you can stare at for hours.

He jumped down into the box with you, but you didn't flinch. Even though you had no idea who the boy was, a part of you know that he was nothing to be afraid of. And when he spoke, it gave you a crippling sense of familiarity, as if you'd heard his voice a million times over but had no recollection of ever hearing it.

"It's okay, we're not going to hurt you." He spoke, and his voice drilled into your brain, as if you new it like you knew your own heart but a curtain had been draped over the memories, locking them away.

"I know." You whispered, looking into his eyes, refusing to tear your focus away from the only shred of familiarity you can't seem to remember.

That night you looked up into the sky, but saw nothing but a navy abyss. The stars were missing. For some reason you couldn't quite remember, this was your breaking point. All the stress and fear of the day bubbled up and you cried yourself silently to sleep.

That seems like decades ago, the glade. You'd been through so much since then. And throughout all of it your friends had been by your side. Minho was like a brother to you, caring and loving yet so humbling, always finding a way to show you up. And Thomas had become a symbol of hope, leading you through thick and thin and always finding a way to keep you safe.

Newt was different, the way you loved him was lightyears away from the way you loved your other boys.

You'd been in the safe haven for two weeks. Two weeks since W.C.K.D fell, since the foundations of the last city crumbled into ash. Two weeks since you'd lost your sister. It was unreal to think that you and Teresa had a whole history of loving each other before your memories had been stolen from you. A history that she dies knowing, like a secret only she was allowed to know.

There was a spot you could go to, when it all felt a bit to much. A small cliff, only twenty of so feet from the surface of the ocean, looking out into the sea. It was where you went to think.

Instead of looking out into the ocean, you looked up into the sky. Since leaving the glade, not once had you thought to check on the stars.

When you looked up at the stars, the only person you could think of was him; the way his smile made your stomach fizz like popping candy, the way his laugh could make any of your moods ten times lighter, the way his touch made you feel like nothing else in the world could touch you, the way his words drown everyone else out into white noise. But mostly you think about the way he looks at you. The way little specks of gold swim in the abyss of his eyes, shining back you. The way he looks at you as if your the only person he'll ever care to look at again.

As if you hung the stars in the sky.

"There was a time before the maze where you could tell me the name of every single constellation in the sky."

The accented voice snapped you from your day dreams, making you jump slightly. He sat down next to you, his shoulder pressed firmly against yours, as if not touching you would mean you'd slip away.

"When I woke up on the berg, my head hurt so bad I couldn't even think of my own name. I panicked at first, thinking those bloody shanks had dumped me into another one of there tests, that my whole life after the maze had been a dream,"

You kept your eyes on him, not daring to look away. He was staring at the stars, as if they were the only thing holding him together.

"Everything was so loud, I left like my brain was working as a millions miles an hour. Probably still bugged from the infection, I guess. But then you were there." He said, turning his head to look directly into your eyes.

"You leaned over me and told me everything was going to be alright, and suddenly I remember every single thing W.C.K.D had ever ripped from me. My only theory is that the infection worked like a reset button, bringing everything back."

He looked back towards the stars, and it was like he blended into them. As if he was meant to be up there, shining on everyone instead of living in this hell of an earth.

"I remember loving you, and I remember how hard you fought them when they took me away."

Your breath hitched in your throat, your eyes still piercing into the side of his head.

"It doesn't surprise me, that even after my memories were taken away, I still found a way to fall in love with you. I don't think there's a single version of me out there that doesn't fall in love with you." He's looking at you now, but he's not scared, as if he knows something you don't.

He brought his hand up to your face, brushing you cheek and pushing his fingers through your hair, resting his hand on the back of your head. He tried to pull you in, but he didn't need to, you were already there.

Your hands where on either side of his face, holding him as if he's break. And the kiss was so gentle, so delicate it was almost as if you were both made of glass. He pulled you in deeper, stealing your breath away. When he pulled away, he placed his forehead onto yours, as if desperately trying to share the memories he longed for you to remember.

"I love you." You say.

"I know." he replied.

#the maze runner #newt x reader #the maze runner x reader #thomas maze runner #fanfic #fluff #maze runner fluff #cassielovesnewt

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zhoras-bitch · 2 years

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Who are you thinking the new RP route is gonna be? 👀👀 I'm hoping it's either Quince, Gideon, Hazel or Pax ☺️ - 🎵 anon

So looking through the list of Reigning Passions side characters, I think we can narrow down the possibilities to:

characters who appeared in the upcoming routes survey after Sevastian and Amara S1 were released: Tristan, Thea, Gideon, Hazel

characters who are featured in multiple routes and are well-liked enough to possibly warrant their own route: Ruelle, Quince, Pax, Nisse

Short answer: I am like 99% sure that the new route is Ruelle, and I like her alright, but if I were to choose a new RP LI based on my preferences, I'd choose Quince and Nisse.

Long answer going through all of the characters under the cut:

First, I think we can cross out Thea and Tristan. I have not seen one person who likes Tristan, I don't know how he made it into the survey in the first place. Thea is a more interesting choice, her status as a High Priestess could make for a unique story compared to other routes, and she is stunning lookswise. Personally, if her route was announced, I'd be intrigued. However, she has not made an appearance since Sevastian and Amara (except a cameo in Xenia's route, which was so brief I am not even sure I'm not making it up). And even when she was still a prominent character, I don't think I've seen a lot of people who were interested in her route.

Gideon is a good option. He's the cold, stand-offish older guy who is kind of rough around the edges and has a mysterious dark past. It's a popular archetype which Lovestruck has already done a few times (think Niel, Abel, Atlas; Bram and Nathan to an extent). In terms of potential plot, he is definitely one of the most interesting choices. He is (spoiler) an immortal alchemist, so already there is so much lore and backstory to be explored. His route could steer away from the court business and instead focus on arcane mysteries and Gideon's past, making it distinctly different compared to everything RP has done so far. Personally, these kind of mean emotionally distant men are my least favourite kind of LIs, but I'd read Gideons route for the lore.

Hazel is nice, I think the fandom deserves more masc/gnc female LIs, and it's about time Lovestuck made a route for a binary trans person. The problem is in the potential storyline. From what we've seen, Hazel doesn't have a mysterious backstory. She lives in Altadellys, which we've already explored a lot, and she seems perfectly happy with her place in life, so I don't know what her character journey could be like. There's no interpersonal conflict between her and MC, they are childhood friends and they seem to have a perfectly nice relationship. So all we're left with is MC being the heir, which has been explored so many times already. Because of this, I'm not that interested in her route.

You can tell by the amount of comments about her that Ruelle is the fan favourite. I guess people just really want a goth gf. The problem with her route is that a lot of ways it could potentially go have been done already: we have a bodyguard LI (Amara), a spy LI (Xenia) and a tsundere princess LI (Piama). I think there's still room for creativity though. Ruelle prefers to stay away from schmoozing with the court and playing the political game, and if I were to write her route, I'd lean into that. I'd find a way to make MC partner up with her on a mission, like hunting for info, stealing something or investigating. We could explore a different, 'underground' side of Altadellys. I also feel like MC's skills would be more applicable in Ruelle's line of work, so she would be more confident, creating a different, more balanced power dynamic between her and Ruelle.

Quince is a favourite of mine, I clearly have a type and his character hits all the right spots for me. He has a similar problem to Hazel though where we don't really have any plot hooks in his past. On the other hand, because we don't know much about him, it is easy to make up whatever backstory we want for him. We can't really do anything about his connection with the court though, so we are stuck with the royal affairs again. I think we could spice things up a bit though if we turn the usual scenario of MC coming into Altadellys and learning how things work there on its head. What if instead, Quince would be the one who has to learn from MC? Quince is kind to a fault where he can be oblivious to the injustices going on around him, so what if we have MC play the part of a disillusioned cynic who open his eyes to what is happening outside of Altadellys? The I could fix her/I could make him worse kind of dynamic, if you will. I would keep MC's heritage a secret from both of them as long as possible and make them try to fix things in the kingdom on their own.

Pax is intriguing. We barely know anything about him, but he gives me the gentle giant kind of vibes, which, judging by Leon, a lot of people really like. He is hinted to be some sort of an undead, which is... interesting. I guess his route would lean heavily into some weird magical stuff, but other than that, I have zero idea what it could be about. It would definitely be something very unique.

Finally, Nisse. I feel like everyone is sleeping on her because there's a great story set up right there. Have MC join the rebellion. That way we can have a route which will eventually make use of MC's heritage without the need to be bound to the court or Altadellys. Most of the story could be set in the Wilds, which is something no route has done before. And however the reveal about MC being the heir plays out, it's bound to be interesting. Personally, I really like the idea of Nisse as an LI, she's cocky, confident, but sociable, and I don't think Lovestruck has done an LI quite like her yet.

#answered #🎵 anon #lovestruck #lovestruck voltage #reigning passions #rp

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af1899 · 3 years

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FEH - My free summons on 9/17/2021 + data mine thoughts

Hey, what's good?

So, the banner based on the [Cindered Shadows] DLC from Fire Emblem: Three Houses (with Múspell on it) + its respective data update is finally out.

First, my free summons in the banner mostly weren't anything of special, prioritized blue as planned but nothing. In the round with the fourth free summon though, was forced to pick the fallback category (colorless) and...

Heh... nice, that's my second Leila, I won't complain at all, it's always nice to get a 5★ with valuable fodder or an unexpected merge on a project. I'll try to max her [HM] then fodder to Legendary Lilina for [Life and Death 4] as well as [Rally Atk/Spd+], fortunately these will be easy to get.

Nothing else but that's OK. I'll just move on and at least I know I'll eventually run on the other skill I want on Legendary Lilina, which is [A/R Far Trace 3], since it's going to be in the regular pool after this banner is over.

Now, onto data mine stuff, you can find the thread by redditor u/MrGengar123 right here, but feel free to read my thoughts onto what we've gotten (there'll be no talk about story spoilers and the like).

So... the thing that probably interests players the most when a data mine rolls out would be stats on the Heroes that come with the update.

Múspell doesn't really play so differently from what we've possibly experienced on [Ice & Flame 3] with him as an enemy, he's more of a dual-phase unit that focus his strength on a single blow, is durable both physically and magically (but slow as hecc) and prevents the foe from healing. Noteworthy is that he brings [Dragon Wall 3] to the regular pool, which you should definitely prioritize from his fodder if that's your plan and got him.

Also, more or less expected the statlines on the other three banner units, nothing too special to stand out in those but Yuri is probably going to give us new worries in nowadays metagame in PvP.

But Balthus has a similar statline to Mustafa (45/38/25+/36/28-) but Balthus's statline is superior, as you could have imagined, just being one point slower than Mustafa, but the rest, Balthus has the upper hand. About him there's also the skill choice, I didn't realize before that his weapon indeed looked like an {Instant} one, and it is, it's a good one and we're getting it for free, so, be sure you got your 5★ Balthus (check in-game inbox with Feh)! But I.S. just ruined it up with the passive skill choice, why do we have [Close Guard 3] still as a 5★ skill? It's just stupid specially since [Brazen Atk/Def 3] is already on Ares at 4★ and there's like nothing that should justify it staying locked to that rarity nowadays.

And Aelfric just got the worst treatment out of this batch, while his class seems to make sense due to how he's designed as a unit in his home game, his kit just feels completely lacking in creativity and also, he's just one of the several free red tome users we've been getting this year, his statline is basically a slightly beefed up Arete but without a horse, it's also our second month in a row with a red tome infantry user, their statlines are different (comparing to Pelleas) but this doesn't change he's the fourth unit in the year with that class, with not much to make him stand out compared to the other ones except for maybe the post-[CYL 2021] statline boost benefit, but chances are Pelleas will do better for you and his starting weapon is better too, {Rabbit} weapons in general are mostly terrible Imo, they're okay for short battles but generally, there are better options, including good ol' {Blade} tomes. At least his rarer skill is at 4★, it's [Threat. Def/Res 2], which you can use to get [Def/Res Menace] and another skill from Zeke's fodder ([Atk/Def Catch 3] if you plan to fodder a Legendary Sigurd with the Lv.4 version + [Fatal Smoke 3] or [Lull Atk/Def 3]).

Anyway, my plans on them would be:

Aelfric: fodder of [Threat. Def/Res 2] to users of physical weapons (thought of Legendary Lucina and Ephraim) after maxing out [HM], will keep one copy at 5★ for rerun quests.

Balthus: fodder of [Instant Axe+] and [Close Guard 3] for Groom Zealot, also after maxing out Balthus' [HM], working on that as of writing date of this post.

Now, next [Hall of Forms] lineup consists of these units from Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance:

Bridal Sanaki: green tome flier.

Ashnard: sword flier. ([GHB] unit)

Halloween Ilyana: blue tome armored. (!!!)

Soiree Nephenee: colorless bow infantry user with ability to refresh an ally. (And she's currently summonable and obtainable for a limited time as a [Combat Manual])

Now this is a really well balanced team, no healers but you get a refresher and one unit of each color, two that use physical weapons and two that use magical ones, which should make things more workable in the event as it goes on and you fill everyone with skills that suit them. It's a nice line-up indeed and Halloween Ilyana is great for [A/R Far Save 3], if you'll go for her, [Atk/Res Unity], [Pact Blooms+] (go for another seasonal weapon if you already have (or can get) Valentine's Veronica!) and an enemy-phase oriented {Fighter} B-skill such as [Slick Fighter 3] are also excellent to take along (if you take these, remember [Atk/Res Unity] and [Slick Fighter 3] are counterproductive, you'd like [Crafty Fighter 3] instead!).

Two of them happen to be my Tellius favs (Ilyana and Nephenee) but sadly can't purchase them and only got 1 [Celestial Stone] out of 3. Still, I'll build them as best as RNG allows it to, I specially adore Ilyana and I'll do what I can to make her great.

Bonuses in [Arena]... hmm... not much of interesting, at least I got Scion Julia but I'll use Scion Nanna so that I can balance the team color distribution in the team I'll use and have a healer (Idoun, Sonya and Ninian are the rest of the members).

In [Aether Raids] I got better luck with Mila and Naga, both of which are projects and characters I actually appreciate, so I'm set for two weeks there.

The End

That's all! I do apologize if the post was too long for you, I often need more words to express properly what I mean while also palcing some extra things for convenience.

If you've made it this far, I appreciate you took the time to read my thoughts, I hope you found something helpful in this post and good luck in your summons!

#feh #fe heroes #fire emblem heroes

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ordinaryfander · 5 years

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The new video sure was something, uh

So, as usual I'm here to brag about the newest video. This time, I'm going to analyze "Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS", and it's a long analysis/theory, so be patient with me.

This will majorly center around Remus and "the Others", so beware! (I'm so happy I don't have to call them Dark Sides anymore, it was never fair)

I wrote many points to consider, and each one will take quite a bit. With that, let's begin!

1) So:

[ 1) Remus: Who he is, what he does, why he's there ]

I think we can all agree that his debut was a surprise, especially because most of us were expecting the "Green Side" to be associated with something like Envy, or Greed, since dark green is sometimes associated with money.

However, we got Remus, aka Intrusive Thoughts, which I think is, in my opinion, the best option they could face.

So: he is Thomas' nasty thoughts, the evil, twisted fantasies, and he keeps Thomas' awake at night with dark ideas, he gives him the worst thoughts to deal with, things Thomas is deeply troubled to think of, because as Logan said, his catholic beliefs instilled in him that thought is the precursor of action.

Remus is there, and why is he there?

The fun thing is: I don't think he's there to be "useful". Later I'll explain where I think his Character Arc is going to go, but Remus really doesn't have any reason to be there except that intrusive thoughts are something absolutely everyone deals with. You all have to consider that, even if those are Thomas' Sides, they're also everyone's Sides. We all have Logic, Creativity, Morality, Anxiety, and we all lie (I'll return to that).

And this traits help us live with eveyday life?

But intrusive thoughts? They just majorly upset us, and worsen our view of ourselves, but we all still have them.

However, I'm really happy with this choice, because Thomas is starting to really show what I've been screaming since Deceit's debut: things are not black and white, and he is NOT a completely good person, because NO ONE is, not 100%. We can act like good people and sincerely mean to do good, but we're still gonna have dark, horrible thoughts. And, as Thomas' said, that's ok. Those thoughts don't make you a bad person if you don't act on them, but you should consider a therapist/psychiatrist if they bother you too much. There's no shame in that, too: please, reach out for help, if needed.

[ 2) Remus' relationships with: Roman, Deceit, and Virgil ]

- Remus' relationship with Roman

At 35:50, it's officially and definitely confirmed that Remus and Roman are brothers, probably even twins.

A moment after the Duke disappears, Roman says "I don't like him".

Thomas goes, at Roman: "So, you have a brother?"

And Roman clearly is uncomfortable with it: "Yeah... It's a little like looking into a fun-house mirror. But instead of a giant head, or, like, long legs or a tiny torso... It shows you everything you don't want to be."

Thomas answers: "That doesn't sound like a very funny house"

And Roman: "Yeah... Uhh, whatever, y'know-? (...)"

Roman and Remus obviously don't get along, but we understood that the moment Remus knocked out Roman with that weapon I don't know the name of (sorry rip, don't focus on this :'))

Roman considers himself a dashing Disney Prince, a knight in shining armor, an example of bravery and justice, while Remus is pure chaotic evil. He doesn't care what other people think and his idea of fun and fantasy is twisted, and he isn't afraid of Roman and his sword in the slightest. They're opposites.

Unluckily we didn't get much brotherly interactions or interactions at all, so there's no much to say, but those two have a whole damn lot to work through.

The question that many have been asking is: do Roman and Remus share a room?

The answer is: I honestly don't know. It would be a complete and utter mess that Roman would hate to have to share. Time will tell.

- Remus' relationship with Deceit

We haven't even seen them interacting on screen, but we already know so damn much about it.

WAY BACK in "Can LYING Be Good?", this was said about Deceit:

Roman: "If you really don't want to know something, he (Deceit) can keep our moutjs shut."

And Logan immediately goes "You don't want to believe it. That's where his (Deceit's) power comes from. Things that you want to believe. Things that you wish were true. And things that you wish weren't."

And later:

Deceit is able to shut up the Sides, but he's also able to hide them. That's what he did with Remus, he kept him locked away.

I've always been rooting for morally gray/sympathetic Deceit, but I'll try to stay neutral on this: though, I really believe that Deceit was trying to protect Thomas.

Remus is... A lot, to say the least. He's pure chaos, and isn't useful or helpful (for now) and doesn't even care to be. Deceit, on the other side, really cares about Thomas, and he showed that in many ways: he just cares about Thomas in his own way. Missing the callback of SVS still hurts Thomas after all this time, and I already explained why Deceit tried his best to do what was good for Thomas in court (https://ordinaryfander.tumblr.com/post/183871155711/thomas-shouldve-gone-to-do-the-callback-he).

I also said, tho, that in SVS Deceit was frustrated to no end because the other Sides weren't listening to him.

Look how confused he is at Patton's words.

You know why? Because Thomas thinks what he says. Thomas lies, and Deceit is there to prove it.

But they didn't listen to Deceit, but Deceit isn't like Virgil: Virgil waited lots of episodes to be listened to until he finally ducked out.

Deceit straight up released Thomas' worst thoughts because Thomas had to face in the most hard way that he is n o t a completely honest person. Deceit just got really pissed and went: "You know what? I'm useful, you need me and I'll prove it."

And he just did that. He straight up released Remus, Thomas' worst thoughts, on them. Deceit is the only one who could do that, and you know why he did?

Remus: "Thomas, speaking of knowledge; recently a snake offered me a morsel from the tree of knowledge. He said you're wanting to be more honest and be direct dealing with your issues, no longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you, me!"

Deceit smacked in the face Thomas with Remus, so Thomas could get the point. I think he did. "If you don't want to lie to yourself, at least face who you really are"

About Remus and Deceit alone...

I don't think Deceit really likes Remus. Deceit is kinda goofy, but he's also sophisticated, charming, a silver-tongue. Remus is a stinky garbage man.

Deceit wants to protect Thomas' reputation, Remus would destroy it. Probably Remus likes Deceit (I think he likes everyone, he doesn't care), but Deceit doesn't really reciprocate the feeling. I could surely be proven wrong, those are just my points.

- Remus' relationship with Virgil

Boy oh boy.

Well, the video already said what I could'be said: Virgil dislikes Remus, he doesn't trust him, but he's also not as scared of him anymore like he used to be.

Virgil, at Remus (32:27): "I thought you were some... Horrible illness. Now I can see that you're just a common cold, a mild inconvenience that's gone before you know it."

And Remus looks at him like this:

That's not a evil look. He's soft, almost proud.

He isn't even offended. He just goes "Eheh, you tickle me, emo."

And Virgil has one blink-and-you-miss-it-moment when he genuinely smiles.

I think he did somehow used to like (platonically y'all) Remus, even if he was scared of him. They were still... Friends, maybe, at some point. Deceit and Virgil never had such a kind-of-sweet moment, even if just a few seconds long, and even if the Duke and Virgil still are not likely to get along in general and for the time being. The Duke's phrase about Old Times wasn't a welcomed one by Virgil.

I don't wanna dig in too much else, we already know that Virgil doesn't still trust the Duke. That was just some looks I noticed that stuck with me.

Also, I won't ignore the fragment revelead his name and said: "Of course (I told you, Thomas), I would never hide anything to you." And it cuts right off to Virgil. Eh. Busted.

- How Will His Character Arc Go?

That one is the most important question.

Everyone is gonna believe what they will, but I don't think he'll get... Sympathetic, even? He's just pure chaos.

Maybe his Arc will entangle with a Roman new one, maybe his Arc will entangle with Deceit's. I do hope that Thomas and co. will now value Deceit better, he really isn't that bad... At least, not compared to Remus.

Deceit shut up Logan guys, but Remus straight up murdered him. Even if they can't literally die, y'all really can't close a whole eye on that.

So I just think he's gonna stay around and do mischief, but will surely get some sort of development related to other characters. I'm almost sure he won't get a Solo Arc, surely not for now. However, I'm pretty sure they'll get back to talk how to manage him, and how he can become more useful.

- Conclusions and predictions for the next video

Honestly, sorry this was messier than my normal analysis/theory posts, but I don't fully know how to take Remus yet.

Y'all see, the moment I knew Deceit I made my mind up: he's morally gray, he has a purpose, he has to get credit for it.

Remus confused me in every possible way. He's chaos. I'm sure we won't see him in the next video, but I predict maybe Deceit will be in it, just to look how good of a job he's done.

And that's pretty much it. I hope you all have a good time :>

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unluckyxse7en-moving · 5 years

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So. Been thinking about being neurodivergent and struggling to fit in lately. It's a conversation that's come up multiple times - with friends, with family, with myself - and with each discussion I find this common factor always crops up - those involved in the conversation, always bring up the frustration that they can't measure up to their peers. That they can't seem to replicate their peer's seemingly effortless performance no matter how the nd person themselves works to match it. And lately, I've been saying- and reminding myself- the same key advice, that I'm not sure I see around a lot: Don't compare yourself to them - and, stay with me here - because you're not similar enough to BE comparable in those respects you struggle in.

The closest, if sloppy, analogy I can come up with to liken it is this way - you are, in short, the left-hander in the right-hander's world. Now if you're a leftie like me, you already probably see where I'm going with this. Hopefully you don't focus on how "lacking" you are for not being able to fit in as easily as right-handers do. If you do? Stop that. Right now. Because we're gonna get into why that's unreasonable for you to ask of yourself.

Now right-handers, I'm sure you're a little confused, so let's illustrate with some visuals:

[ID: a photo of a person's lap. They are sitting in a chair, with an armrest/cupholder visible in the left corner, and a miniature table that's part of the table on the right. The person is holding a half-eaten, gooey cookie in their right hand, holding it over a plate on the miniature table to avoid crumbs falling on them. End ID]

Simple enough, right? Now my ID is a little more subjective and includes non-visual details to add to the picture, but there's a reason I did that, so I encourage everyone to read it along with the following ID:

[ID: same photo as above, only now the person in the seat is holding the cookie in their left hand. Instead of holding it with their arm on their left armrest, they are holding the cookie over the plate as in the image above, reaching over themselves in the process. Also in the image now, which had been blocked from view in the first image, is a bowl of empty soup with a spoon resting in it. The spoon's handle is pointed towards the left. End ID]

Now, that suddenly looks a lot more complicated, doesn't it? Guess what I, a left-hander, was doing their entire mealtime. Reaching and stretching and contorting to keep food over the plate and bowl as much as possible.

"Why didn't you move the table?" You might ask - because I couldn't. The chair was manufactured with the table bolted to its right. Many schooldesks are built the same way. Why did i sit there in the first place, when a normal chair and table are clearly visible right in front of me?

Because I'm already trying to find a way to comfortably dine out in a way that requires accommodations - my sensory overload means I need a quiet corner as far from people as possible. As it happened, this was the furthest, quietest corner during lunch rush, and even that seat in front of me would have meant subjecting myself to more sensory information than necessary. A crossroads between my experience as a leftie, and my experience as a neurodivergent person. And, since my neurodivergent struggles often come with discomfort or pain when compromised on, it wasn't much of a choice.

Which circles me back to the reason I made this post. As a leftie, I've grown up with this unspoken handicap (if you'll pardon the pun) - not a handicap in disabled means per se, but I've encountered infinitesimal struggles righties aren't as likely to run into - trouble with handwriting smudging, cutting with right-hand oriented scissors, sitting at desks for right-handed people in school. When I was learning how to write even, my mom struggled to teach me to put spaces where I was supposed to and to this day I still have that problem - I can't see the words I just wrote when I write, my left hand blocks them and it messes up my ability to judge how big a space is needed. When learning how to dance, most dances start with the dominant side - if your dominant side is your right. I always had to unlearn starting on the left before properly learning the dance steps with my right, which meant I didn't pick up the moves as fast as my peers. could probably go on, but basically I've run into all sorts of little hurdles that I had to jump and navigate - and I have. And this isn't meant as a wahh pity post for being a leftie. I've had very few complaints. But it sets me apart from peers and requires me to put in extra effort to match their results. It also makes me stand out in ways that aren't always flattering, like when someone reaches to do a handshake and I put out the wrong hand. But this is just how I am, for better or worse, and it can't be changed and shouldn't be considered a fault. Being neurodivergent very much falls into this same category.

Now reading all of this, I know. How can there NOT be a problem? Being set apart from peers, struggling with things that come intuitively to them, etc. doesn't sound good. But! My analogy doesn't end there! There's one very important aspect to being a left-handed person that you could argue easily makes up for it in a noticeable manner- lefties can think and problem solve differently, in a way that righties aren't as inclined to. Being a leftie means a different part of your brain works more, and you have a fresh perspective on things that is beneficial in so many ways. So, too, does neurodivergency work in a similar vein. You may struggle with the ""easy"" tasks, the things that are portrayed as simple and obvious. But to make up with it, you have innumerable strengths that neurotypicals don't! You can do things they couldn't do, calculations in your head, problem solving, recognizing patterns, excellent observation of minute details, creative flow that's unparalleled and unmatched.... the list could go on and for each of you it's different. But you have strengths. Being the "lefty" isn't bad. It's a struggle, true - because our society is tailored to "righties", a specific subset of people who work a certain way. That needs to change. But you? You don't. And every time that you, the lefty, are reaching over yourself, correcting yourself, teaching yourself ways to adapt to the righty world, you're showing more effort and dedication to your work, more perseverance than the righty may ever know. And if that's not admirable, and impressive, and a feat to be proud of, that gets repeated daily, I don't know what is.

You are in a biased situation where the cards are stacked against you. That's unfair and deserving of your frustration. But never turn that frustration onto you. You can't help being the way you are, in handedness and in your brain's functions. But you're already working so hard to make up for it, and have your own natural strengths to make up for it. So if you worry about not measuring up in one field... just remember you have strengths that the others don't have.

#idk i think i lost my point halfway through but i hope this makes sense #and a difference #long post #neurodivergent #nd #autism #adhd #anxiety #im certain theres far more i can tag and if they apply then by all means rb and add on as you wish!#image described #i also have plenty more to say on this matter but ill probably make those posts another day #blablablah

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goodvibes-weirdsoul · 5 years

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The truth is... None of us really know what we're doing.

Hey Guys!! Welcome back it’s been a little longer than I was expecting. The truth is, it’s been a very long emotionally and mentally draining month for me. When I set out to actually start this blog I decided to have one post a week after last months challenge, but when the challenge was done I found myself stuck. I found myself unable to allow my inner creative self out. The same challenges I faced before I started this blog, began again. The self-doubt and self-criticism all kept circling my head. And then I do what I always do, I corner myself. I start thinking of all the things I could have done by now. Where I thought I would be in life at this time and a hundred other things that make me feel like I haven’t been doing enough. So this time instead of giving up I decided to sit down and work through my thoughts. Every single day for the past 24 days I have thought of everything I have been through and have survived, succeeded at, loved and experience in the past few years and wanted to take you guys through a little journey with me on how we are all in this together.

Just to give you guys a little background story about myself so you can see where my existential crisis and doubt began (because I am dramatic AF, it's the sag in me). When I was in high school I prided myself on my organization skills, my interest in almost anything, the goals I had set to achieve. I was one of the most motivated people I had known. But the sad truth, that didn’t really hit me until years later is I wasn’t this person for myself. I was this person for my parents. Like many parents who want what is best for their child, they made me believe that there were only two ways for me to succeed: I either become a doctor or a doctor (you know how that goes). And honestly, when you come from a culture that is only taught that, you pass it to your children because you don’t know any better. My parents were extremely young parents, and their main goal was to make sure me and my siblings had a better life and that is the only way they knew how to. All the things that made me who I was, my interests and hobbies all got swept under the rug. I was in tutoring sessions and a medical program from the age 11-17. My summers consisted of medical rotations and shadowing doctors and waking up on Saturdays at 7 am to get to SAT prep by 8:30. Not once did I ever stop and think to myself, what is it that you want?

Fast forward to my senior year of high school. What a disappointment it was that the top two schools I wanted to go to rejected me. I was crushed. I felt as though all my years of preparation was for nothing. On top of that, my home life at this time was a horror story. I was always afraid to go home. My anxiety had gotten so bad that I didn’t know what to do anymore, so going to school away sounded like the best bet for me.

I was in the middle of so weighing my options until I got home one day and all of my stuff was packed. Literally, all my bags were at the door and my dad says to me “You’re going away to Oswego” now y’all could only imagine the look on my face when I heard that come out of my dad's mouth. I was shook. Little old me who had NEVER stayed over anyone’s house, had a curfew of 7, was now going six hours away from home. Alone. I think about that day often and always wonder if I would have just said how I felt. If I would have just said I wanted to take the time to figure out what it is I really want, I wonder how different my life would be. But I didn’t, I just said okay and left two days later.

That first year of college for me was absolute hell. I was falling behind in my classes, I barely could make it to class on time, I was lonely and I really couldn’t get my shit together. I went from being this motivated girl who knew what she was doing, to being late to class, missing assignments and to top it off - my plans of going to medical school went down the drain. I was lost.

After that first year was over I decided to come back home. Whatever problems I had to face while being home I decided was worth it. I enrolled in City College and started working a full-time job like most college students who stay at home. I would be lying to you if I said that after that year things got easier. They didn’t. Things actually got worse. My depression and anxiety were eating me alive. I was going through a breakup and constantly fighting with my parents. Eventually, I decided I needed to take an actual step back from my life. I needed to do what felt good to me even if no one agreed with what that meant.

So, I stopped going to school so that I could focus on what I wanted to actually do with my life. Was I going to continue to chase the dreams that other people had for me, or was I going to be OK with not knowing what I wanted to do right now? I was really caught up in this idea that because I didn’t have my shit together I was a disappointment. But the truth that no one told me, that I had to figure out myself, was that no one really knows what they're doing. Even those of us who have a perfect job or perfect life, I can guarantee they will have a list of things they want to work on and fix. Everyone is trying to figure it out. We're so used to comparing our situations to others instead of understanding that just because we may not see the struggle, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

As soon as I shifted my mindset, how I felt about myself and the life I have changed. I have started embracing the challenges, the hardships and have let them help guide me to where I want to go in life. I've started taking the time to really focus on the things that bring me joy: my writing, baking and taking care of my mental and emotional health. I've started seeing how much my relationships with certain people shifted into something better than what I could have ever hoped for. Once I stopped trying to put on this "happy and perfect life" mask with people and started getting honest about what I am going through and how I feel, I was so surprised to find out how many of my close friends have felt how I was feeling. This generation of picture-perfect lifestyles can be so overwhelming and sometimes make us lose sight of the real purpose of life. To be genuinely happy, from the core of your soul to the smile on your face. And sometimes the journey to get there is long. Hard. Exhausting and can feel never-ending, but I promise that it is worth it. As cliche as my ass sounds, it is true. Because none of us are ever alone, we just have to open ourselves to let others help us through the struggle. We have to hold ourselves accountable to do the inner work to get ourselves to where we want to be. And if you think the work will end, it never does which is the most beautiful thing about life. We are all constantly changing, our opinions evolving, our thoughts shifting. Whoever you are right at this moment, if you are unhappy with it, doesn't have to be who you are forever. You are entitled to growth like everyone else is. So decide today, right now - are you going to settle for a life that people want for you or are you going to create the life you want for yourself?

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