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gardenerian · 1 year

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Mel I am wondering when you think Ian told Mickey about Monica. When Ian had his first low episode, Mickey didn't seem to know what bipolar was or that Monica had it. Fiona said it. And then at the beginning of season 5 they both seemed to be avoiding the whole conversation about Ian being sick at all. And then Ian was hospitalized and then arrested and then Monica came back and then they broke up and then Mickey was arrested. I don't know. When do you think they finally had the time to discuss Monica? Ian's connection to her? How he insists he's not like her? Thanksgiving? I don't know. Just having Monica thoughts today.

how could you do this. you KNOW this is one of my favorite things to discuss 😭 and now i have no choice but to delay my ironing to take this way too far and Upset Myself.... but in a way that i thoroughly enjoy???? come on, chrissy. just gotta - *trips over self to start talking* - ugh. anyways. buckle the FUCK UP.

you're right - the timing never really allowed for any real conversation about her. mickey probably asked after ian came to find him in 1x09 - but it was likely surface level and i doubt there was much actual discussion before the Freezer Bang.

"the fuck was that about, gallagher?"/"psycho mom is back."/"fuck."/"yeah." [fumbling for pants ensues]

maybe mickey heard whispers about monica around the neighborhood, just like anyone had heard them about terry. and ian was still so resentful of her in s1/s2. if they talked about anything to do with monica, it probably wasn't her illness. maybe an offhand comment as they got more comfortable with each other in s2/s3. bonding over shitty parents - but not a lot of detail, i wouldn't think. there just wasn't time!

i don't think he talked about her at all in s4/s5. not to anyone. he was too sick and probably too deluded about his time with her. it had to confusing - to be so defensive of her, to want to connect with her, but also to still resent her and feel so viscerally offended at being compared to her? not to mention all the drugs and sexual trauma that resulted from being with her..... while suffering through vast changes and mood swings on top of that? impossible to sort through.

and part of s6 (i think) was internalizing it all. he's so fucking depressed in that season. remind me to go off on that another time. i don't think they would have really talked about her in the s7b arc, either - he probably wanted to talk about his job and laugh and fuck and soak up that time with mickey in the sun.

and then s8. i cannot speak of it askjfh he had nO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT HER AND I KNOW MICKEY WOULD HAVE LISTENED I AM SICK ABOUT IT.

so i really think their first real conversation about her must have been in prison. isn't that wild? mickey probably picked up clues over the course of their relationship, and he definitely learned about bipolar disorder. but as much as we like to think that ian is chatty and emotional and soft.......... he's a closed book about certain things. and monica + their illness is absolutely part of that. so mickey hearing about monica FROM IAN probably took all these years. not for ian to trust him or anything - but i think. just time for ian to find the vocabulary. and the time. and just to be able to talk about it without so much pain.

so it probably starts with ian talking about what happened, everything that led to the van. losing her and losing mickey, feeling lost. mourning her alone. getting sick and losing control without seeing it again. feeling powerful and special until suddenly it was all over.

i think he probably wanted to be truly heard, finally, by someone that loves him. the siblings tried (mostly), but their own experiences with her clouded it over. which makes sense! but i think as they settled in, and as they told each other the stories that made their time apart, monica finally came into play.

how hard it was to lose such a complicated figure..... how he was the only one (save for carl, who was away at school) that didn't have a last happy moment with her. how his last moments with her were so hurtful and angry. but how he saw her and she saw him. she loved him, she made him feel special, even if she never came through for him. and he'll never see her smile again - and how, despite the pain she caused, he probably always thought he'd see it again.

at first, i think it was about mourning and connecting. letting it all out. they trade their horror stories about mexico, the cartel, the shelter and church, gay jesus..... the recent past, ya know? but then i think that the routine will get to him.

it's good, the structure. wake up, meds, work, downtime, meals, lights out. but i also think that the monotony would get to him before too long. the agitation as he is still recovering from a major episode. so i think that's when he'll start to get frustrated.

because he always said he wasn't like her, right? it drives him in many ways. to avoid putting himself and his family through that pain. but look where he is - he didn't flee, like she might have. he didn't drag his family into the legal battles, either. he's doing his time and trying to make it right.

but with the boredom and frustration and stagnation.... he's gotta wonder how much better he's doing. god. how SLOW recovery feels when the progress is not so visible, and when you have so much more to build up. he lost his job. and i think he'd talk about her more here. how he feared this. how scared he is that this is it. or how his family must be feeling about him now. her stealing from them, leaving them behind, putting them in danger. traumatizing her children on thanksgiving because she could never just get help and stick with it. it'll scare them both, talking about that day. but he's never really had the chance before - life just kept happening.

and this is where mickey kinda gets the earlier picture, i think. the things that were happening in s1/s2 come out. things he'd heard about in passing and pieced together. only now more directly from ian, finally. and his final break in s5 would probably come up here, too. particularly taking yev and ending things with mickey.

this is what they'll work on together. probably always, but starting while they're together all the time in prison. ian's fears of becoming unreliable, unworthy, and irredeemable. mickey's fears of never being able to keep him safe and close, of never being free together again. they'll heal over time together, always working at it.

now - the s4/s5 era. i think that's harder. i still don't think he's talking about all that yet. still vague mentions of being with her, of random memories that might pop up. but this era - the club, the men, the drugs, the uncontrolled mania, the crash. this is more intensive. i'm thinking this is a longer process. i'm not sure what the catalyst is. i'd hoped storylines like 11x03 and HOS might spark it.... in an ideal world, if i were in charge, it would be around here. and your fic, too, with tami and ian working through things together. feeling steady and stable, at last, in a way that allows him to talk about it and heal.

he and mickey have SO MUCH trauma. maybe after frank passes, they have a bit of a wakeup call. life is happening! here it is! to give themselves their best chance, they gotta do some work. so........ hopefully they'll keep talking about her. and not just the hurt! i like to think that mickey will give ian the space to remember her laugh, and the way her fingers felt in his hair. his mom. maybe they'll bring her flowers now and then.

and mickey will know her and ian will remember her, and she won't be such a ghost. she'll just be a fact of his life. someone to learn from, even now. i think ian will always be a little sad for her, but i think the gallaghers will all let go of their rage in time. frank and monica were who they were, and they gave the gallaghers each other. that's huge. ian will always work to live the life his mother never could, and he'll always have mickey there to tell him how well he's doing 🥺

i'm fine, why do you ask????

#*touches ground* something happened here #chrissy you always inspire Such Thoughts #i love you #i am not a monica apologist she just makes me SO SAD #GOD #shameless meta #mel answers

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teyvats-worst-hero · 4 days

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My final thoughts on Penacony Part 1:

I think they did really well conveying the resort aspect of it at the very beginning, it literally reminded me of the terrible tourist culture where I live. I think I would’ve appreciated more love given to the lobby instead of… a really long hallway…

In the Golden Hour, I like how gilded age it looks! Morally dubious stuff everywhere: Dreamphones, billboards that chase you, SoulGlad at every corner, everything. Really sells how consumerist Penacony is, how corrupt.

But I also wish the billboards didn’t chase you every time you walked by. It raises my anxiety by 21%.

The notes I’m finding around the map are super disturbing, and this kind of worldbuilding really suits Penacony. Everything is so bright and perfect that you pay no mind to the danger in plain sight.

The enemies are really well done, it’s all so toy-like, so theoretically non threatening. And the battle theme fucking SLAPS, I love it. The TV enemy scares me shitless though. Too human-like in an uncanny valley way, but really too monkey-like. Don’t ask me. I don’t know. My primitive brain keeps screaming “MONKEY! RUN! DANGER!”

They did a really good job with not making any one person seem entirely on our side, everyone seems to have their own motivations without them being overwritten by someone they just met. They have some secrets and I like that. I also like that they interact with each other. Makes it feel so much more real and like things are happening outside of the protagonist, and we’re a faction of our own. Not some impossibly perfect neutral entity that NEVER has allegiances no siree (Cough cough Genshin Impact)

I like how things are mostly left to the player to think about. There’s no “I knew you weren’t Robin because your singing voice was weird!” to spell out earlier foreshadowing. God I hate when stories spell out foreshadowing. No one is telling me to be weirded out by things aside from the game’s INSISTENCE that Sampo is EVIL and NOT TO BE TRUSTED.

Some things I don’t like?

Black Swan.

I really dislike how she’s written overall. She just shows up and starts dommy-mommying the story and has a little “betrayal” moment that happens too fast for any importance to be attached. She’s like. Budget Kafka. I’m annoyed by how often she talks down to the player without ever actually feeling like a person who’d do that, like Sparkle or Aventurine, so it just sounds… Forced. Out of place. Obligatory. Her entire character is being a sexy plot device. Maybe she’ll get a personality, but as it stands, she doesn’t have one. Fight me.

This mission also has a problem with assuming you care deeply about characters you’ve strolled around with for 30 minutes. Now I’m not saying it’s bad to treat the characters like they have emotional weight regardless, that’s a good thing, but when your big plot beats rely on that weight to throw punches, it falls flat.

You run around with Firefly for a little bit. Cute. But very surface level.

You have a beautiful moment with her talking about her chronic illness. That’s great, if you saw my previous posts you know I got very introspective over it.

You go into the dream world and ALMOST die.

You go into the dream world again two minutes later and she ACTUALLY dies, and you immediately move onto the plot and another death that fully overshadows any plot or emotional significance of Firefly.

But NO my friends, she isn’t ACTUALLY dead, she’s something something Sam?

It just feels cheap. If they’re using Black Swan as the catch-all mysterious plot device, they’re using Firefly like tears in a can. Legitimately what would change if Firefly just… didn’t die there? If we just saw Sam and the shadows of Firefly, but couldn’t find her after? Is the point to make it seem like she isn’t Sam? Cause that’s a super cheap and unnecessary trick.

Back to the ending though. I really like the reveal of Robin’s death, it feels super weighty for the plot and the setup and payoff of Sparkle is excellent. I have no idea what’s going on with Misha. Probably some kind of descendant of the Watchmaker, maybe he’s split in two. One in the real world one in the dream. Misha and Mikhail perhaps?

Overall, really interested in this story. Good job Hoyoverse.

#penacony’s worst hero #honkai star rail #hsr penacony

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twistmygrinder · 9 months

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Saw Mutant Mayhem and didn’t enjoy it as much I was hoping to. Guess that makes me one of the few. Besides the animation and turtles themselves, there is not much I liked. The boys felt very surface level and only there to make easy, pop culture and product references the entire run time without going deeper like previous films have. I don’t care if the references make it dated or not; they just weren’t funny to me. Mutant Mayhem is a kid’s movie that’s all fun and games foremost, but for some in the audience the fun is short lived at best.

Here are my thoughts and nitpicks: (*spoilers*)

- The premise hangs on to the fact that the boys were encouraged to fear & hate humans by Master Splinter. Instead, they’re naturally more curious about humans and want to believe the best about them. It makes sense for them to still be terrified of being captured and experimented on though. Yet, when it actually happens, they joke and just seem resigned to it. There’s no real sense of fear, danger or physical harm. No stakes. Electrocuting and draining their blood seems to do nothing and they get over it in a second. And don’t get me started on that running gag / fetish the writers kept using.

- Speaking of dumb, not sure why Master Splinter has to be this bumbling father who is played more for laughs than taken seriously. I get that he means well and like that he’s more of a father than master. But it’s hard to be moved by the emotional beats when Splinter complains about being lonely and makes out with a cockroach mutant at the end. I don’t think he needs to be this fountain of wisdom, but asking for him to at least be respectable doesn’t seem like much.

- Not enough martial arts or ninjitsu from the turtles. No real focus on the weapons, stealth or coordinating fights. They just apply what they know and everything conveniently works out. Nothing seems difficult till it is, and then they just give up till others like Splinter, April, or the other mutants (heck even the humans) push them along.

- There are just so many changes I question. Like why make Leatherhead female? Why make Baxter Stockman the origin of the ooze and separate him from being Superfly? Most of the mutants were just there and hardly did or said anything noteworthy. Just felt like cameos for older fans or to sell a toy line.

- I know it was a stylistic choice to make the humans ugly but I found it distracting and off putting.

- Raph is joked more about being angry than he’s actually angry. He even uncharacteristically suggests backing out of the final fight towards the end. He doesn’t stand out much. Donnie is a fanboy who likes being on the internet, anime, and kpop. It’s like his entire character is just meant to be relatable. He doesn’t build anything on screen or geek out on tech related stuff. When Superfly essentially builds a mutagen ray and they need to stop him, Donnie never even tries to take over the machine manually. He hits it with his Bo staff. He doesn’t figure out how it works or how to stop it. And in the very end, after Superfly mutates again, it’s not common sense or logic that helps Donnie come up with a plan, it’s remembering a manga. It’s freakin an Attack on Titan reference. Hilarious. Mikey is into improv (clever) and not much else is really explored about him. He’s not implied to be a peacekeeper between his brothers or that he’s physically the fastest. He never even skateboards like in the poster. Leo is into April immediately (which I find weird because he’s usually more attracted to someone’s character and being an equal in combat) and his brothers constantly make fun of him for that and being an anxious goody two shoes. This crush on April makes him stand out more than his brothers and gives him thematic weight. But when it comes to justice, honor or doing the right thing Leo comes off not very concerned or conflicted till the very end. Again, he’s made fun of for acting like a leader more than he actually leads.

- This movie could’ve been more Mikey centric. Unfortunately, the more contemplative Mikey longing for acceptance teased at the beginning is forgotten and reduced to his usual goofy self. It would’ve been more engaging imo if Mikey had some conflict with the others or Splinter and took a chance interacting with a human like April on his own. Or meeting Mondo first before they’re all introduced to Superfly’s gang.

- The boys all share one brain cell. It’s cute the first time but then I got kinda tired of it. They don’t need to be talking over each other all the time. I would’ve liked if the director had separated them a little more. I can’t remember a scene with just two turtles talking or hanging out. Or being by themselves. It’s odd actually that despite being visually discernible, they seem less distinguishable personality wise. They seem more like a middle school friend group with all the same interests/humor than high school aged brothers sometimes.

- It’s obvious to me that Seth is taking inspiration from the 80s cartoon, Archie comics and the arcade games and just modernizing and focusing on the teen and wacky aspect of the turtles. Ninja turtles are definitely a zany IP so I understand if that’s all he really considered. This will work for some, if not most fans.

- April’s personality I wasn’t into either. She seemed apathetic or distant in a way. She asked and wrote questions but didn’t seem bothered or intrigued about the boys beyond what they told her. The prom, breaking her story, and salvaging her reputation were more important? (could’ve done without the puke scenes) She didn’t give much big sister or genuine friend energy.

- The turtles’ shells crack after they are crushed by Superfly and then somehow it’s just completely forgotten and they are fine.

- Honestly, if this movie was just them going to high school that would’ve been a more refreshing or original story. Even if it doesn’t make much sense. Still don’t think I would like Seth Rogens brand of humor in it though.

- The one part of the movie I actually really liked was Donnie’s plan to become heros that was 2-D animated like an actual sketchbook. Really loved the visuals there. Did feel more Mikey than Donnie, since Mikey usually loves comics and drawing but I digress. Oh and I loved the baby turtles too! The first half or beginning of the movie was probably when I was most on board before it started to lose me.

At the end of the day, I think the Rise movie is better and I’m not even a fan of that iteration. I don’t know if it’s cause Ninja Turtles are near and dear to my heart or I take it too seriously, but this movie felt like it was poking fun similar to a Robot Chicken skit and less like it was celebrating the franchise or sincerely cared. I wanted this to be on par with Into the Spider-verse and Puss and Boots but this movie just doesn’t match up story or character development wise. Maybe that’s my mistake.

I wanted to like this movie. I really did. Heck, I went to see it twice. I honestly wish I could be as happy as the rest of y’all are. My niece enjoyed it so that I’m happy about. If this movie leads to new, young fans watching older shows than I can’t be too mad.

#tmnt #ninja turtles #tmnt mutant mayhem #tmnt mm #mutant mayhem spoilers #text post #review #I didn’t like it but that’s me #Seth rogen pls stay away from tmnt thank you

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realhankmccoy · 30 days

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youtube

you know, it really wouldn't take much to make this one better than the 1979 cartoon. certainly all the potential is there with big big big big budgets and fancy technology.

1.) get some sense about classical music -- and how it can be used in passages to set the mood and take you over to the point where a kid can feel they've fallen into a dream world more than just watching a movie with the same generic sounds as every other movie

2) get some sense about how emotions work -- and how it takes time to feel trepidation, grief, sorrow, romance -- emotions aren't something you just flinch and feel in half second spurts, naturally

3) comedy is not as needed as contemporary capitalism thinks -- don't think this movie had funny ha ha moments all over the point but children really don't need that in every film to be forced to laugh for the sake of capitalism making the parents feel like all is well

4) children are not to be treated as stupid, and not everything must be immediately understood by children -- it's not going to hurt children to talk about the space time continuum and complex magic that predates it -- don't treat them like their world will end if you add a few complex elements they might not yet understand

5) chldren are not too dumb for ethics -- for example, the ethics of honest on which child is more historically honest -- or the narrative on the ethics of forgiving the Turkish delight gobbler and how he is forthcoming without needing to be asked -- something Taylor Swift wouldn't understand, constantly singing revenge songs as she does

6) leave room for wonder -- wonder is a great thing, so give thought as to how a movie might encourage that

what really caught me up in the 1979 cartoon was the mysterious transformation to adulthood near the end, the romantic part -- chasing the white stag -- and then just when you're totally under the spell, what, wait, what happened... it ends, they're back in the real world and there is no going back and there is no rewind because you watched it on tv the romance is over it's the mundane world all the time now again -- and that's life.

on a surface level, anyone would choose the Chronicles of Narnia over some cheap hand-drawn cartoon

on a surface level, anyone would choose Taylor Swift over Joni Mitchell

American society has grown superficial

the 'total package' may exist in Taylor's delusion or the big budget director's delusion

but if yoiu've got eyes, you can see and you can see what's vanished

the original cartoon was hardly much of note at the time, and it's absolutely not rocket science -- much of it is quite simple -- but compared to the CGI thing, sheesh...

there certainly still are good cartoons for children, ones teaching better social lessons than a lot of the cartoons I grew up on, so that's good. you sure don't learn much about how to act from Scooby Doo or The Jetsons.

#c.s. lewis #the lion the witch and the wardrobe #narnia #taylor swift #joni mitchell #mommie queerest #chronicals of narnia

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biiedwin8 · 1 month

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Maladaptive Daydreaming: When You Can’t Imagine A Life Without Your Imaginary World?

Today, I'll be answering the question of why you can't really imagine life without this addictive behavior, like you can't see yourself without this daydreaming. You really feel that you've been through a lot with your imaginary friends, with your imaginary universe, and you can't really see beyond it. Like you can't imagine yourself living a life where you are not daydreaming or not excessively or massively engaging in this imaginary world. Actually, it's a very normal thing to think that way. This is because daydreaming, in a way, has been providing you with this temporary relief or this safe haven from seeing the things you are neglecting in real life. It's been protecting you from seeing your unhealed wounds, keeping you safe from seeing your low self-esteem, low confidence, or lack of friends, or even your loneliness.

So, when something is protecting you from seeing all those things, of course, it's perceived as a good thing, in quotes. Like it's something protective to you. So, it means that if you remove the protection, what will happen? The things that this mechanism is protecting you from will come to the surface. And when these things come to the surface, of course, it will be slightly uncomfortable. Because facing pain or facing your fears is slightly uncomfortable. But because there's something which is giving you some sort of temporary comfort, of course, you will feel better. That's why you can't really imagine life without this, because you've never really faced those painful and uncomfortable emotions in your life. Or you've never really processed those painful, uncomfortable emotions in your life. And you feel that if those emotions come to the surface, you will feel overwhelmed.

Another thing is also, you do realize that you've invested so much in this imaginary world. You've invested so much in your imaginary friends, imaginary adventures, imaginary successes, imaginary everything. Like you've invested so much in that imaginary world to the point where you've neglected so much in this real world. Like you've neglected so much of your own basic things, like basic self-care, friendships, career, studies. You've neglected a lot of things in this world. So when you've neglected a lot, it will really mean that it will take a lot from you to start building yourself up. Like when you think about it, it really needs a lot of work in real life for you to build yourself back up, for you to start looking for that job, for you to start building relationships. So when you look at the things you have to do in this real world and then you compare with the easiness or the control you have in the imaginary world, of course, you'll really feel that actually, you can't live without this. It's better to just keep doing it. It's better to keep ignoring the real world. But the thing is, you do feel that or you can't imagine this real world because your mind wants to keep you where you are. Your mind will always want to keep you where you are comfortable, even if it's painful. Yes, you are daydreaming excessively, but on a deeper level, you have pain. Like you have a lot of unhealed pain inside you.

So because the mind has gotten used to you keeping this pain with you, it will not or it will feed you with all kinds of conclusions or all kinds of excuses to keep you away from dealing with it. Because your mind will choose a familiar place for you. But once you break free from this space where your mind is trying to keep you, once you overcome this pain or overcome these beliefs or this being stuck, you will realize that actually, your life will be much better once you face real life. Yes, initially, it may look uncomfortable, but you will find some sort of inner comfort.

So in facing this inner discomfort, you get inner comfort. But in avoiding this inner discomfort, you suffer with a lot of pain. So it's very normal to feel that way, but it doesn't have to be that way. Once you deal with those uncomfortable emotions.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with overcoming and managing your maladaptive daydreaming without spending years in therapy, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

#daydreaming #intrusive daydreaming #actually madd #obsessive daydreaming #maladapting daydreaming disorder #actually maladaptive #imaginary friend #immersive daydreaming #maladaptive daydreaming #madd

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just-hyperfixed-ok · 2 years

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I can wait

He was telling the truth.

He would wait for her.

He’d spent the past three years waiting for her (not that he’d been aware of that until now).

The actualisation that he had feelings for Erin had come slowly, progressing over the years, random intrusive thoughts invading his brain that eventually became too hard to ignore.

Like the time she tried to stop him from having sex with Katya. He’d been frustrated in the moment but, later on, had admitted to himself that she was right; he wasn’t ready, and he was worth more than a one-night stand. Erin made him feel wanted.

Or any time he watched her ashamedly fail to flirt with a lad. It was an inconvenience, painful to watch because she got her heart broken time and time again. He hated to see her upset.

Prom night was the big one. An act of kindness, which he would have done for any of the girls, ignited feelings towards a girl that he’d never had before.

Anger because John-Paul had stood her up.

Sadness because Erin couldn’t see how much she was losing herself to these crushes, her personality morphing to suit them. The personality he had grown to love.

And, when she walked down the stairs in her Easter dress, shyly tucking a strand of hair between her ear, accepting his suggestion of taking her to prom, he felt his heart rate increase, incapable of not smiling like a complete idiot.

She was so beautiful .

Beautiful and complex and selfish and passionate and all the words in between.

And that’s why he liked her. Everything he loved about her was the things he hated about himself. He was the level-headed one of the group, keeping Erin grounded when she would catastrophise situations for no reason, and she, in return, made James want to feel more of those emotions, to stand up for what is right.

He used his newfound bravery when he ultimately decided to stay in Derry. Alongside realising his real home was in the walled city, he tried to imagine a life without the girls. Without Erin. The thought sent him into a panic in the back of the taxi, causing him to splutter apologies to his mum.

He couldn’t leave them.

He had so much left to do. To say.

How he was going to say it was the tricky part. Whilst he knew there was something he wanted to explore, he had no idea how Erin felt. Sure, she’d smiled back when he grinned up at her from the staircase on prom night, but he was being a good friend. He didn’t want to think too deeply about any slight touch or comment meant for them. They were best friends, after all. He didn’t want to jeopardise that.

Then the summer came. It was the best summer ever; free from exams and school, they could just be. And when James suggested they make a short film, Erin jumped at the opportunity to flaunt her passion for writing. They became a tag team, screenplay and director, bossing the others until Michelle got fed up. Even when the film got canned, he kept filming; Erin was happy to be in front of the camera as he captured their lives. She would light up as he narrated what he was filming, the sparkle in her eyes giving him a reason to keep going when everyone else was telling him to put the camera away.

He wondered if that smile meant something more.

Then, it happened.

It hit him like a ton of bricks. Quite literally, he managed to knock himself out with that stupid van. The vision he’d had, calling to him to come closer to the light, scared him shitless. This couldn’t be the end. It was like leaving Derry but worse. He couldn’t leave his life, not now. Not after all he’d been through.

When he opened his eyes again, the first face he saw was Erin’s. The voice was gone, the nightmare over. She was standing over him with such concern that he nearly confessed his feelings for her then and there, but the words wouldn’t formulate.

His brush with death triggered those feelings he’d been meditating on, bringing them to the surface. What if he had died? What if he had missed out on something good with this crazy, pretty, exceptional girl who caused him all sorts of trouble?

What if she never knew how wonderful she was?

So, when the moment presented itself, he knew he had to act. When he awoke that morning, the sun seeping through the dusty curtains, he sat up to find Erin not there. The others were sleeping peacefully, their fear of being obliterated by the devil overpowered by their need for sleep.

Very rarely was there a chance for him to be alone with just Erin, the five of them being pack animals. They were always together. He had to do it now.

And thank Christ he did.

He was completely open. He let the words tumble out of him, the words he’d rehearsed numerous times in his head, as Erin stared at him intently. He hasn’t thought much about what he’d do if she rejected him. If he was being honest, he didn’t care. He had to say what had been sitting on his chest for months because he felt like he’d explode if he didn’t.

He’d resigned to the fact nothing would come of it.

Until he went to turn and felt a tug of his arm and Erin’s hand on his face, she kissed him. Hard.

And he kissed her back.

And she kissed him again.

Was this actually happening?!

He wrapped his arm around her, closing the gap between them, giving himself the balance he needed to kiss her properly. He knew this was Erin’s first kiss, and he wanted it to be memorable. She’d been fucked around by too many boys before. She kept her hand on his face, a small smile emerging when he kissed her again. It was nothing like he’d expected, kissing his best friend, but it felt so, so right .

Beautiful, in fact.

Alas, it was never going to be that easy, and Michelle interrupted what was quite possibly the best moment of his life. She had good reason to, not expecting to see her cousin and friend making out when she entered the room, and she had good intentions.

As much as James hated to admit it, she was right.

It wasn’t the right time.

God, but did he wish it was. He had fallen for his best friend, and it was apparent she felt the same. But Michelle made valid points, ones he didn’t want to consider. He didn’t want to ruin their dynamic, not when they’d come so far to accept him as one of their own. He finally felt like he belonged, and no matter how much Michelle would stick up for him, he couldn’t be the one to cause friction in the group.

Doing that, he would lose any chance he had with Erin.

So, he took a deep breath, pushed down his grievances with Michelle and agreed with what Erin said as they left the house.

It wasn’t the right time.

But it wasn’t the end of the story.

“I can wait” He whispered to her.

Swallowing his pride and the urge to kiss Erin in front of everyone as a “fuck you” to Michelle, he turned away.

He prayed that the kiss was more than just a fleeting moment between them, never to be spoken about or acted upon again. The little box beating inside his chest would make sure of that. Because no matter how hard he tried to deny it, he was confident of one thing.

He loved Erin Quinn.

And he would wait days, months…fuck, even years… to do that again.

It was only a matter of time.

#derry girls #fanfic #james x erin #jerin #james maguire #erin quinn #my ships #otp #ao3 stuff #cute fluff

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mercless · 9 months

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1 to 5

(answering these for the classic verse following the comic!)

1 - What’s the lie your character says most often?

Talon tells themself that they could have done more to stop Katarina, and help Marcus' plan be successful. Deep down they know it's not that simple and that there were far more factors to be taken into consideration, but believing they were the reason for everything failing is a very compelling lie without anyone to argue against it.

2 - How loosely or strictly do they use the word ‘friend’?

Talon is careful to use the term 'friend'; someone you can rely on, see as an equal, and trust. In theory, they know what a friend is, but no one in their life currently holds such a title (they would dismiss ever having a friend at all, yeesh.) Talon is very slow to trust, let alone lower their guard enough to make that real connection.

3 - How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just the audience knowing?

Talon's emotions are subtly expressed, but are still there if one knows how to spot them. Being skilled in deceit doesn't help the matter either, if they don't want their state of mind or emotions known, they won't be (or at least very difficult to figure out.) Another issue is that Talon's go-to emotions are aggression or taking a defensive stance. And while that takes place, they will take their time to decide how they actually feel about the subject at hand.

4 - What’s a hobby they used to have that they miss?

Not so much a hobby that has stopped, just changed how it works and feels. Exploring Noxus Prime by rooftop and trespassing through guard towers was one of the most exciting parts of Talon's life in their younger years. By now, they've mapped out every road and wall in the city, and most of the near-surface-level parts of the underground (you'd be surprised how much can be built over in a decade's time.) Mapping the lower sanctums of Noxus just isn't the same as finding a new grate in a small alleyway, perfect for slipping into after searching the nearby market stalls for easy picking.

5 - Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about to make it happen?

yeah get them to talk about marcus No. Tears only come to Talon when they are overwhelmed and feel absolutely, completely helpless.

specific character building questions.

#‡ ask #‡ find their sharpest thorns. let it remain in your heart #freljordi #ty for sending in! 🥺

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septembersghost · 1 year

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I never understood why taylor was THAT heartbroken with jake untill I read an article about dating older men. They have much more life experience compared to young girls. These girls would do everything they can to impress them and would put them on the pedestal. While I don't think jake was grooming her I think he was a bit of a narcissist who enjoyed her idolising him. He also made sure he had the power in that relationship without her realising it. She never felt she was 'enough' to please him and he always pointed out things he didn't like about her.[source begin again and IBYTAM].It is also interesting that the same taylor who wrote mean let someone devalue her that much because she was in 'love'. I think Taylor calling him 'twin flame' wasn't because of their mutual great love but as a result of her idolisation and lack of real dating experience.Him being her first might also play into it. If 25 year old Taylor dated him there is no way he would inspire something similar to red even if she hadn't fallen in love with anyone else yet.(Sorry for the rant. My head is kind of a mess right now with all these points)

you can rant! i'm sorry when it takes me a while to reply.

so i'm going to approach this somewhat differently, because i always understood her depth of heartbreak on red, but sometimes i think that's because she and i are wired quite similarly in certain respects (or i over-empathize, which is probably it). taylor is a highly sensitive person and a romantic (she's a loves love romantic, she's also a capital-r Romantic), she feels things deeply, she also badly internalizes pain and harm. i think you have to factor in not only the power dynamic at play here, but also what happened directly beforehand (namely, john). that was a far more sinister situation, but it...spun her out, and she may have sought something that felt mature and beautiful not only as a way to escape it, but as a way to affirm to herself that she was worthwhile. it's not uncommon for victims of abusive situations to land in something similar (and i believe john was abusive on some level). jake seems like a reprieve after john, a better choice - older but gentler, more of an intellectual, not perceived as a "bad boy" - until you scratch beyond the surface. she had no way of knowing that until it was too late. earning love and respect from a man like that is going to feel validating and even like a bit of a high, especially after a different older man you idolized made you feel damaged and worthless.

honestly i think in a lot of situations, even with very different dynamics, we go grasping for anyone that might make us feel loved and embraced after someone else we loved does severe damage. when i was struggling terribly with overlapping kinds of loss and difficult transition in my life, i gave all that love to someone who severely traumatized me, and the situations with both the person i was trying to recover from and the person who ended up making it infinitely worse are totally different from what happened with taylor, but speak now and red have also always resonated with them completely. i was 22 (a very, very sheltered and shy and naive 22. though sometimes i am still that now due to circumstances!), and i just wanted someone who would cherish me and listen and understand, and thought i had found that, and it was absolutely not the case and was instead...VERY dark. i have intense self-worth issues and am also prone to people pleasing to an extreme and and am also very soft-hearted, and the combination of all the things that happened to me made me want to die. because the feeling of loss and rejection came from people i loved. people who said fate had brought us together, people who called me a soul mate, people who i thought would always be in my future, and then they drew their daggers and aimed for my heart.

the difference between the entirety of red and a singular track like mean is in that emotional attachment. she really, completely loved him. the belittlement, the warning signs, none of that registered initially, because the love felt powerful. she didn't have any emotional attachment at all towards the subject of mean, he's just a cranky jerk critic. some man saying something about her professionally and activating her sharp pen is not at all similar to intense heartbreak from a man she was in love with and dreamed of having a future with and felt was as close as home. and not trying to defend jake here (because. ugh), but i do think he loved her. i just think he, as she has said, had his demons, and didn't know HOW to love her without also being damaging and condescending and unstable. (he said once part of why he was awful in the relationship is because he loved her too much and was scared, and i tried to find this but instead stumbled across something that made me furious asdkjdkjf). the point is that it was mutual, but he was fucked up and ultimately hurtful. i don't think she's deluding herself when she notices all the moments he loves her too, that's...the thesis of all too well. it was rare, you were there, you remember it. that's sad beautiful tragic, i almost do, the last time, state of grace. all that was very real for her, and you don't tend to feel that unless it's returned. there's a massive contrast between the way she writes about jake and the way she writes about john (who did not return her love), even though ultimately both end in ruin and heartbreak. and when she couldn't earn the value and respect she craved, she kept going back to him for the intimacy because at least that was something they had, and i think...a lot of harm came from that too. imho it's not quite beholding the entirety of the story of red to think that love wasn't mutual, and that even he was hurt despite it being of his own damn making. the tragedy isn't one sided, he's integral to it. i know the guys who hurt and used and mistreated me, and who were liars and narcissists, also, unfortunately, loved me. it makes the ache worse. it makes the scars deeper, and the wreckage harder to sift through, because people who love us aren't supposed to hurt us. but sometimes they do, and it's awful, and it's not our fault. and sometimes we love people much more than they do us, and more than perhaps they deserve, but it doesn't make that not real. would've could've should've isn't love, but the beginning of maroon is. dear john isn't love, but all too well is. ours and superman really idolize their subject, but i'm not sure i'd say that anything on red is quite as starry-eyed as it is longing. she loved, and she yearned to be loved as much in return, and she wasn't.

with begin again, this was posted, and it speaks directly to this subject. "there was something dark and adult about what i had experienced. you should keep some element of childhood - that wonderment and ability to laugh." my breath caught a little at, "home reminds me of comfort, and comfort was what i never had in the previous relationship" because it...adds context to/belies "used to call home"/"felt like home" in that she believed she had comfort, but it always turned dark, turned to tears, turned to put downs. it made her feel special, then it made her feel small. when you think you've found a home with someone...when you think you have that twin flame with them, that soul connection, you do anything to convince yourself to keep it, until you can't because you're going to disappear or burn yourself down. a soldier returning half her weight. did the love affair maim you too?

also i wouldn't necessarily say that 25 year old taylor is more substantively different than 20/21 year old taylor, except she was battle-scarred and weary and jaded. she was sadly still with someone who didn't see her worth and made her feel like she was never enough. she was still with someone who belittled her art and talent. i think she felt dead and hopeless inside for quite a while (which breaks my heart), and every single one of those situations is connected. (harry doesn't have the diminishment aspect or the disrespect towards her of course!, but the tumultuous uncertainty still took a real toll, especially following jake.) i have a feeling that was all she felt she deserved, or all she'd ever really have. anxiety or loneliness. until joe. (a string that pulled me out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar, something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire, chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons). all that said, i don't doubt for a moment that all the love she's felt and given has been very real for her, and that's why she's so gifted at putting it into words.

#i hope this makes sense #personally i think there are some mirrors between john and calvin #and like...similarities but in distinctly opposed ways with jake and joe. joe is the foil to what jake was #which puts certain pieces into place #anonymous #letterbox #taylor swift #red #thrown out speeches

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joelpotterardn631 · 2 months

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Week 1 | Inspiration / Research

Vivian Mailer

https://www.vivianmaier.com

Background: Vivian Maier was born in New York City in 1926. She spent a lot of her life actually working as a nanny in Chicago. She had gained an interest in photography and would often spend her spare time away from work walking the streets with her camera, shooting everyday life in the busy city.

Signature Style: Her photography is known for its candid and truly raw portrayal of urban life. She could capture moments and emotions with speed, often focusing on the overlooked aspects of daily life. Her use of composition and framing added depth and mystery to her work.

Street Scenes: Maier's photographs often depicted busy city life, capturing moments of intimacy and connection through the chaos of the urban landscapes.

Portraits: Maier had a strong talent for capturing the real and true essence of her subjects. This was the case whether they were strangers on the street or even the children she looked after as a nanny. Her portraits revealed a sense of empathy and curiosity about the people she would shoot.

Self-Portraits: While she primarily focused on documenting the world around her, she would also come to take self-portraits as well. These portraits actively showed her state of mind throughout her life.

Techniques: Maier appreciated still and candid photography, capturing real, spontaneous moments without disrupting the scene. She had a preference for black-and-white photography which added a rather timeless quality to her work while enhancing its emotional impact. She used leading lines, symmetry, and contrast to create striking images that make viewers understand the true idea of the photograph.

My Inspiration From Vivian Maier

The way that she conducts her self-portraits really stands out to me. The act of being so subtle through a reflective surface feels so real and strong. I also really appreciate just how real everything is inside of the portraits. I find that the portraits of others living their life brought another level to her portraits as nothing was "planned". It all just happened when it happened and she was there to capture it.

Image 1: This is a self-portrait that shows both Vivian as well as the camera that she used to photograph herself. This photo was taken through a mirror, one that seemed to have been connected to the end of a motorcycle. It allows us to both see the ground as well as the tall building scaling behind her. This reflection creates a lot of angles that all line up to the very center focal point, being her. The lighting in this image is quite harsh. The ground, not capturing too much light allows the sky to stand out with clear bright lighting. The tree directly above her also creates a patterned shadow over her body.

Image 2: This image is both a portrait of two people inside of a store as well as a self-portrait. Using the reflection of glass, she was able to capture both herself as well as others. The dark colour coat that she was wearing cut the reflection at a certain place to make the two figures inside of the store stand out. This shot uses framing extremely well to make us see both in front and behind the lens.

Image 3: This is a portrait photo taken in the street. Like a lot of Vivian's photos, this one would most likely have been taken without any planning or knowledge of those being photographed. This allowed for true purity and composition of the subjects. There is something so pure about the form that the child and adult are portraying. The truancy of street photography allows this image to be so powerful.

Image 4: This is another self-portrait using a mirror. This image for the first time shows one of the children that she was nannying over. Being able to see the beautiful camera body is a common trait in her portraits.

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chillwithnea · 9 months

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Eating Disorder Recovery: The REAL Work

*In this article, I refer to restrictive eating disorders and share about my experience. I do not mention or write about binge eating disorder.

Years ago, when I was in the depths of anorexia, I thought if I just could eat freely and no longer had urges to exercise ‘till exhaustion my problems would be solved. I didn’t know at that time that this was just scratching the surface and that the true work will begin when the body and the eating habits are stabilized and normalized (i.e. no longer restricting or controlling intake or trying to manipulate the body).

I was wearing the same rose-colored glasses prior to developing the ED in the first place: thinking losing weight and changing my body would solve everything. Which then switched to: thinking restoring my health and normalizing my eating and exercise patterns would solve everything.

ꜰʀᴇᴇ workbook to help you to get out of the manifestation trap, to tap into your desires and embody them ʜᴇʀᴇ

My true journey started after that. The eating disorder opened the doorways to myself. To finally look deep inside, what’s truly going on inside the mystery of my being. To confront myself with my trauma, unprocessed pain, and emotions — all those things that kept the self-destructive behaviors in place.

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

After the first year in recovery (around the end of 2014), I discovered Yoga. I already practiced meditation, and Yoga showed me a different approach to movement. Of moving with my body instead of against it. I prefer using the word movement over exercise, the energy behind it is so different. Similiar to saying energy instead of calories.

After dipping my toes into my inner world, I realized that I was terrified of facing myself, that everything that I’m afraid of, that the conflicts I thought I had in the external world, the fears, the chaos, all of that was actually happening in my body. And guess what, in order to process and work through this, I had no other choice but to develop a deep relationship with my body and thus with my intuition.

You cannot live a heart-centered life without getting out of your head and facing your demons.

I had to learn (and still do) to observe my thoughts and emotions instead of identifying and believing in them. They come up to be released. The biggest challenge was to let the eating disorder identity die — what I was so afraid of. I built such a intimate relationship with my demon — the ED that I was scared as shit about losing.

“Who am I without the ED?” It gave me a false sense of safety and comfort, the place I could always return to. The perfect distraction from my “real” issues.

Anyway, over the years I discovered spirituality, tools like shadow integration, nervous system regulation and plant medicine.

Mother Ayahuasca taught me that only thanks to my body I’m able to live this human experience. Iboga showed me next-level grounding and how it truly feels like to be in my body.

Fast forward, no matter where you are in your life, you have to face and embrace yourself, especially these parts you tend to disown and feel ashamed of. There is no escape. And no matter how uncomfortable and chaotic it might be, it will become easier with time, and you will discover gems, hidden treasures inside of yourself, and most of all, you’ll find the greatest treasure — your true Self. Your true nature.

For me, life is no longer about striving to look a certain way or to measure my worth based on accomplishments and productivity (which is tbh still a practice and like a workout in the cosmic gym — to train my mental and spiritual muscles). It is about returning back to nature, to live and flow like it which is lifelong practice, a way of living. Because the most of us grew up relying purely on our logical minds, disconnecting from Mother Earth, and thus didn’t learn to listen to our intuition and to work with our bodies.

Our bodies hold so much wisdom and are, at least in my opinion here to navigate us through life and our minds are powerful tools for our imagination.

As human beings, we are part of nature and meant to function like it as well which means non-linear is the new linear, and slow is the new fast. Living from the inside out instead of living from the outside in.

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lesbiten · 2 years

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idk cuz glinda at least to me is a character i hold so dear 2 my heart because as a lesbian i KNOW a bitch when i see one and i see so much of MY baby repressed lesbian experience in her and like. i dont know. it would just be nice i think if the Implied comphet that she experiences throughout the story was uhhh. Actually Comphet for Real because i think when the musical tries to imply that she actually does have feelings for fiyero it makes things worse. so so much worse

#the fact that thank goodness is like supposed to be about fiyero or whatever the fuck about how he doesnt love her back #its just.......bad #thank goodness is absolutely in my top songs but only because of my interpretation of it that is better and incredible.#the real actual meaning its trying to convey is just like. why does glinda love him when everything in her life points to her #very clearly Not Loving Him #she gets with him because hes 'perfect' ie she needs a trophy husband because its whats been instilled in her her whole life #yeah she loves someone else(guess who) but like. obviously she cant love her that would be Wrong #so she gets with fiyero and then proceeds to stay in a loveless relationship with him for years #entirely to keep up her image and to convince herself that shes happy WITHOUT the person she actually loves #yknow #and its like......idk. she just has such a strong emotional connection to elphaba right #and a very clear surface level connection with fiyero where they seem to mutually understand whats happening her #e #even if glinda closes her eyes to it so she can keep up the fake life #and its like #idk #why make glinda really love fiyero when she just doesnt........why put so much effort into making it look like she doesnt love him #its just weird to me #anyways #glinda IS a lesbian #thats what this post was about #simon says

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biiedwin8 · 5 months

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Maladaptive Daydreaming: Why You Crave an Imaginary World?

Today, I'll be answering the question: Why do you crave the imaginary world? Like, you really want to go there. There's this desire to go there, and actually, the main reason you crave it is because, without it, you are looking at your life and you’re looking at the aspects you’re ignoring in it.

Let's say, when you are bored or when you don't have anything to do, or when you're just sitting down or taking a walk. And then, when you're taking a walk, what happens? Your mind is like, 'Hey, hey, hey, look at this. There's this thing you haven't done—your assignment, applying for a job, or having a relationship. You are unworthy, unlovable.' All those things come to the surface. So, when those things come up, of course, you'll crave something to push them down, at least to suppress those painful feelings or those things that need your attention.

Instead of looking at those things that need your attention—your unworthiness, negative beliefs, false identities, or negative emotions about yourself—you crave something else to replace the pain you are feeling. That's why you might crave daydreaming so much because you feel that it will give you something better than what you're feeling. It will give you a euphoric feeling, a happy feeling, a sense of control, a sense of a life where everything is manageable.

Another reason why you crave it so much is it's kind of a dopamine kick. Your life has been on a low because you've never really worked on your stuff or processed your emotions; you've been neglecting it for a very long time. So your life is on a low, and when you're on a low, you really want to go to that high. The high for you is this imaginary world where you feel euphoric, happy, and everything is as you ever wanted—where all your relationships are okay.

When you really crave that high, you want to go there. That's why you may really crave your daydreaming, and you may feel that without it, you could not survive because when you live without it, you are able to see clearly. You are able to see the truth about your life, the truth about the life you've neglected. So the craving is because you've neglected your real life, but going to the imaginary one will not really satisfy the real craving.

The real craving is those wounds that come to the surface that need attention. So don't look for another craving, which is your daydreaming. Instead, look at it as a sign from your authentic self telling you, 'Hey, hey, hey, you've neglected us for a very long time. It's now time for you to look at these things. It's now time for you to do more self-reflection and work on processing these things—work on those things that are holding you back, those painful experiences still lodged in your memory or that you are still carrying with you or suppressing.'

That's the actual craving you need to focus on because once you deal with that craving, you'll realize that real life is not that bad. Real life can have pleasure, can have pain, but everything is on manageable levels or things are on your terms. When you crave something else to shield you from these things that are craving your attention, you are running away from real life.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with overcoming and managing maladaptive daydreaming without spending years in therapy, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

#daydreaming #actually madd #madd #actually maladaptive #intrusive daydreaming #imaginary friend #obsessive daydreaming #maladapting daydreaming disorder #immersive daydreaming #maladaptive daydreaming

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dragonsareourfuture · 3 years

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Ways the Death Note Cast Show They Trust You

I lost some inspiration towards the middle there, I’m sorry!!

- he will always have Watari make extra servings of food just for you. It’s a bit startling at first. So suddenly there’s just food in front of you that you think is for L, but when you push it towards him, he pushes it right back to you.

“You don’t want it?” He’d ask, leaving you confused until you finally put the pieces together.

“Oh, I…I guess I didn’t realize it was for me. My bad.” You begin eating. “Thank you.”

L simply hums and continues with whatever he was just up to.

- You know that thing cats do where they’re sitting perfectly still, eyes closed, guard slightly down, but still not quite asleep? I can picture L doing something like this during any moment of downtime he gets. Just sitting, scrunched up in his chair or wherever he happens to be, eyes closed but the cogs in his brain are still turning. You notice him doing this when it is only you and him in the room, simply thinking it’s because of the moment of rare solitude. Little do you know, it’s because he trusts that you won’t hurt him or let anything bad happen to him.

- L is a person who prefers to be in charge of his own life. He likes knowing what’s going on around him at all times and when things are out of his hands he can’t help but feel uncomfortable. However, with a person he’s developed a close relationship with and knows he can trust with everything he has, L will feel more comfortable leaving decisions up to them. You’ll have to start small though, like being the one to plan a surprise date. He might feel a bit uncomfy at the beginning, shifting around and possibly even insisting he sit so that he can see the exits clearly, but he eases into it eventually. Soon you both find yourselves joking around in the odd way that you do and gorging on cake and ice cream.

Mello

- being vulnerable is something Mello isn’t too keen on. He already feels vulnerable most of the time and would kick himself if he let that show through his actions. If Mello truly trusts you, he will feel as though he can be vulnerable around you without any judgement on your end. Small acts that show vulnerability such as asking you to help him with something he can’t quite handle on his own — even if it’s something as simple as not being able to reach something off a shelf or being unsure about how to fix something. Eventually, he’ll work his way up to the bigger stuff like being physically wounded in front of you or having a mental block.

- Sharing his clothes with you or letting you pick his outfit for him. Now, it sounds like he’s just being a little diva and that’s only partially true. But his clothes are important to him, they’re a factor that sets him aside from his plain-dressing rival and in his eyes they make him more interesting than him, visually at least. He’s happy to dress you up, and it is true that he has to have a close relationship with you to want to do so, but you should be especially proud if he lets you alter his appearance in any way.

- He likes to believe that he’s had his goals set out from the beginning. Surpass Near, become the next L, and go on from there. What he pushes to the back of his brain are the moments he’s been studying and he’s asked himself ‘What if I went down a different path?’. He quickly pushes these thoughts away, but they keep coming back. What would life be like if this wasn’t an option for him? What if he were a writer? What if he lived in the city with people he loves and went to the movies every Friday? Unwillingly, he has a whole list of possibilities. If he truly trusts you, he’ll share every single one with you. Whether it’s dropping hints or confessing them one by one late at night, he can’t help but feel that they’re safe with you.

Misa

- it seems a bit surface level, but it’s true — Misa will talk down on Light in front of you if she trusts you. But it’s not straight away. She had developed a lot of courage to actually break up with him, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still doubt her decision to do so. It’s only when she finds out from you how loved ones are supposed to treat each other — with kindness and respect — that she feels her decision to ditch Light was the entirely right one. Slowly, she’ll start to admit to you all the things she hated about Light, starting with some of his mannerisms and building up to something like how he forced her to leave the entertainment business.

- Misa is…dramatic. She likes to go above and beyond for someone she’s infatuated with and make sure they’re the happiest they can be. If she trusts you enough to develop this kind of infatuation and, with some development, less of an obsession and more of a strong, bonding love, you will be doted on to the point where it’s almost ridiculous. You could be at home during one of her work days and you’ll get a delivery of lunch from your favorite takeout place because Misa was ‘thinking of you <3’, as she explains when you text her asking why food randomly showed up at your place. It’s rather sweet.

- Misa’s a pretty talkative person in general, that’s a well known fact. She’ll talk about clothes, a cute birdie she saw on her way home, really anything that comes to mind. But, she’ll do that with about anyone who’ll listen. It’s gradual, so it’s hard to notice, but if Misa grows to trust you she’ll start talking about some of the more serious things that have been on her mind for a while, those things that she thought would scare off anyone she liked because of how personal they are to her. Her family before they died, for example. It’s something that Misa thinks about. So much. But she doesn’t really talk about it. She wants to forget, put the past behind her but because she’s never talked about it with anyone it’s hard to do that. She’ll talk about her family to you, the little things her sister used to do and some things her parents did that she misses.

Matsuda

- Matsuda often begins to idolize those who he thinks are trustworthy and have a good heart. He starts to tell you how much he loves when you do x and that he wishes he could perform as well as you in that area. In a sense, he trusts you with his vulnerability, letting you know that he thinks of himself as less than satisfactory and how he wishes he could do better, only he channels it by pointing out good things about you. If…that makes sense.

- This sounds dire, but he’ll risk his life for the people he completely, without a doubt trusts. He was willing to do so with Chief Yagami, someone he saw as a father figure, and he would certainly be willing to do so with you, someone who he feels he has a deep emotional connection to. Whether you’re in a situation where he would need to or he’s just saying that he would, he means it.

- Matsuda trusts you to not make fun of him when he overshares or talks too much or anything his coworkers brush him off for. He feels that he can talk about things he finds funny and talk about his life without worrying about what you think of him when he does.

Matt

- he would drop everything to help you. Whether that’s dropping his game to help you kill a bug or leaving his duties behind to help you out of a life or death situation. Whichever scenario you happen to find yourself in he’s there no matter what.

- He’ll invite you into his personal life. I know this is kind of a given but Matt had the chance to become the next L. He had the chance to become something “great” and he said “ummm rather not” to it because it wasn’t something he wanted. If he shares this information with you, he trusts you not to leave him for something better when you discover the status he could have had and refused. He trusts you to appreciate him because of him and not the intelligence everyone but him cherishes.

- He leaves you alone around important technology and software he’s hacked. Unfortunately for him, betrayal comes with the business he’s got himself into and, if Matt really trusts you on both a professional and emotional level, he won’t have a problem worrying about whether or not you’ll take advantage of his coffee break to gather information for some other organization or something. He will literally just go “mkay babe I gotta go fuel up on caffeine real quick, you’re good watching the hacked government database right? Cool cya.”

Near

- Near trusts you to take him to public places. Sounds simple, yeah. But Near has never liked crowds, or even just too many strangers in a wide open place. It’s strange to everyone observing how one day he decides he needs a new toy, his old one having broken due to old age, and asks you to take him to the toy store. He’s questioned, people wondering why he wouldn’t rather you just go alone but Near insists. Apparently the toy that broke is special addition and he wants to make sure you get the right one. He stays close to you the whole way, not really saying much, but he’s there and that’s a big step for him.

- He helps you out with puzzles. Basically cheats for you. When he’s eyeing one specific empty slot, coughing lightly to get your attention, just know that he’s not helping you because he thinks you need it. Quite the opposite actually. With anyone else, he believes that they should be able to solve it on their own. He thinks that if they can’t, then that’s their fault. But with you…it’s as if he trusts that you’re intelligent enough without the puzzle being an indicator of that intelligence, so much so that he thinks the puzzle itself is obsolete when it comes to you. He doesn’t need a puzzle to know how smart you are.

- He’ll eat the foods you make him. Near’s picky eater-ness is above that of a child who only eats chicken tenders and pizza. He doesn’t eat that many people’s food because he knows it’s probably not he way he likes it. But with you, he trusts that you respect his eating habits and know him well enough to get it right the first time. Though he does check the food out for a bit, he’ll eat it. Sometimes all of it. Fuckin astonishing to Rester who had attempted many times to heat up microwave dinners for the guy.

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jemmo · 2 years

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Did you read Nanon and Ohm’s letters they wrote. IM CRYINGGG. Their friendship is so beautiful and the way they both talk about it and especially Ohm had me crying so much

yep... yep... i read them... i cried a lot. a lot a lot.

honestly, as a fan, there's really nothing better than knowing that the people that made the thing you love love it just as much as you. im gonna get emo for a sec but i feel like the biggest thing i hate hearing around shows like this and people that are fans of them is why do you care so much??? its only a show. theyre not real. get over it. fandom spaces and the shows they're there for are so rarely taken seriously, and the affect they have on people is honestly so so underappreciated. and it can make you feel silly and stupid for caring so much and that sucks, bc you just wanna love the thing and be so deep and invested in it and ride that emotional rollercoaster for all its worth and just feel every second. and you should. thats good. youre doing it right.

so knowing that not just ohm and nanon, but all the other cast and crew, are right there with us. they put just as much love into this thing as we got out of it. and you can feel it in the show. feel the love and care and passion and attention. you can just feel that its something special. its not just some show to them. they out their hearts and souls into it. and thats how great media is made, with love.

and as for ohm and nanon, honestly, i just cant thank them enough. i think they have been so brave throughout this whole thing, not just in their portrays and how open and trusting they were with the roles, but to be so open and bold about their friendship in real life. not shy away from it or overexaggerate it. thats brave. i think back to ohm getting teary during that podcast and it gets me right in the core, bc to see them have such a strong bond, so strong that they put it out there for the world to see, knowing itll get judged and read into and misinterpreted, and they dont care. theyre gonna be honest with us bc they're honest with each other. theyve been through a lot and they know where they stand. i can see in what they say how transformative this show has been for them, that its had a profound affect on their lives and on them as people. and thats special and deserves to be shared and celebrated. when i first got into BL one of my nitpicks was there was never enough discussion like the discussions ohm and nanon have been able to have. so many interviews and such are surface level with fanservice for show and its just... i wanna hear about the actors, the show, their process, how they went about performing, their opinions on what happens. bc its so interesting, and they should be able to talk about that. and i get that not all leads are close or care incredibly about the show, but that just makes this all the more precious. two people that care immensely about each other and what they're doing. two people that can be easily and naturally affectionate and express their care outwardly without awkwardness or fear or reservation. two people with a commitment to their work and craft that have never once dismissed this show, this BL, as frivolous or dumb or a splash in the pan. they respected this show. they gave it everything just as they would with any other drama. and i am beyond grateful for that. im beyond grateful for them.

honestly i could go on forever about them. they are just one of the millions of things that have made this experience something else, something that i think can never be recaptured or repeated. im so grateful that they let us peek into their real life friendship bc its such an inspiring thing. just seeing people be like that makes me want to be a good person and care about the people around me and not feel dumb for having those feelings. its truly one of the most beautiful and honest and healthy relationships ive ever seen. and they're just gonna have a special place in my heart forever.

#wow sorry for ranting #i got so emotional writing this i dodnt realise i needed to let this out #but im just beyond grateful for them #i feel like through this whole process weve all been learning together and we can all take something positive from this show #and these two and take it forward into our own lives #i might never find my ohm or my nanon #but just knowing two people can care for each other in this way #idk it just kinda restores your faith in humanity #maybe life isnt so shitty bc people can love each other like this and its beautiful #i just love these idiots sm #bad buddy #ohmnanon #ohm pawat #nanon korapat #made by jemmo

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writethelifeyouwant · 3 years

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Aversion Therapy

Summary: Y/N has been institutionalised for sex addiction at an experimental facility, run by Dr. Sam Winchester.

Pairing: Doctor!Sam x Reader Rating: 18+ Warnings: Sex addiction, addiction therapies, abuse of therapist/patient relationship, noncon roleplay Tags: hair pulling, crotchless panties, degradation (like, a lot), blow job, spitting, pussy spanking, sex on a desk, body writing, p in v, pulling out Word Count: 4.5 k Created for: @samwinchesterbingo - Doctor!Sam | @spnkinkbingo - Crotchless Panties | @anyfandomgoesbingo - Hair Pulling | @j3bingo - Diary

A/N: So I this may or may not be one of the dirtiest things I've ever written. It's definitely up there in the list 😅I hope you enjoy, fellow sinners!

October 24th

Last night was awesome. He took me out to dinner and everything, real gentleman, even though we both knew that’s not what the night was about. It was sunset when we got up to the lookout, all romantic. I felt silly that he was making such a big deal about it. Losing your virginity shouldn’t be so much pressure. Now it’s over I don’t feel any different except that I want more. We went twice last night but that still wasn’t enough. I touched myself this morning and it was almost like I could still feel him inside of me. I think tonight I’m gonna let him do it without the condom, so he will still be inside me tomorrow morning.

“What the hell are you doing?” you shout, outraged. It wasn’t enough that your parents had locked you in this place, humiliating you, betraying you, handing you over to Doctor Judgy, but they’d handed over your diaries too. Fucking great. Dr. Winchester ignores you and keeps reading, skipping ahead a few weeks.

November 15th

Fuck I love sex. Even with guys that aren’t great at it it’s still worth it just to have a cock inside me. I wish I could stay the night somewhere without my parents freaking out. I want to fall asleep with a cock inside me the whole time, wake up to it fucking me, keeping me open. College is gonna be the best. Then I can finally do what I want, fuck who I want. Can finally order a freaking vibrator without mom asking what’s in the package. Ugh, I can’t wait.

Sam’s voice sounds unnatural reading out your words. He’s not putting the right emotion or inflection in them. It’s like he’s taunting you with them. There’s a trace of humour underlying everything he says.

“Why are you doing this?” you shout again, and Sam looks up at you from your diary, a smug smile on his lips.

“Because you’re sick, Y/N,” he states it like an obvious fact, shutting the diary with a loud clunk and waving it back and forth. “These are the words of an addict.”

“I’m not an addict,” you scoff, rolling your eyes. Sam raises his eyebrows at you and flicks open your diary again, thumbing through to a page he has marked with a turned down corner.

February 3rd

That’s it, I’m addicted to cock. I need it more than coffee or air or food. I just want to be on my knees all day and let men use me. I want them in my mouth, in my pussy, even in my ass, I don’t care. I just want them. One day I’ll figure out how to make that happen.

Sam gives you an accusatory look as he closes the diary again, and you do have the good sense to look a little sheepish. Having your thirsty words read back to you is embarrassing. Especially considering the man reading them out is extremely attractive. If you’d met him when you were out you would have been on him in a heartbeat.

You can’t help it, your eyes drop to his crotch, which is just below your eye level where he’s leaning against the front edge of his desk. Dr. Winchester notices your gaze and smirks down at you knowingly. The expression makes him even hotter – domineering and sexy.

“You really are a little slut. Get carted off to rehab and the first thing you do is eye up your therapist,” he clicks his tongue disappointedly, and you blush for a moment before you decide that you don’t want to take this shit from him.

“So what,” you shrug, leaning back in your chair and crossing your arms. Dr. Winchester raises a brow again, surprised by your boldness.

“You don’t think it’s inappropriate to think about your therapist in a sexual manner?” He pushes himself off his desk and settles his hands in his pockets, considering you carefully.

“I like cock, so what?” you say again defiantly. The doctor keeps his expression neutral, walking around his desk and sitting down, grabbing a notepad and scribbling down a few things. You watch him suspiciously, wanting to know what he was writing down. “I’m not crazy, I just really like sex.” Dr. Winchester nods and keeps writing, not looking up at you.

“Come on, are you saying you don’t like sex?” you try to rile him up, and you see a small laugh bleed through his careful exterior, but not the kind of reaction you were hoping for. “What, your manhood not measure up or something?” That gets the doctor’s attention. He shoots you a glare over his desk and puts aside his pen, folding his hands in front of him and staring you down. His eyes drag across you from top to bottom, lingering on your lips, your neck, your cleavage, your legs. You like him looking at you like this, it sends a thrill through your chest, settling in the pit of your stomach.

“I can see that your attitude is going to make traditional therapies somewhat difficult.” You roll your eyes, but let him keep talking. “Have you heard of aversion therapy?” You shake your head shortly. “Aversion therapy is a psychological treatment in which the patient,” Dr. Winchester gestures to you, “is exposed to a stimulus while simultaneously being subjected to some form of discomfort, in an attempt to discourage said behaviour.”

“Um, English, please?” you stare at the doctor blankly, not putting together how this is going to apply to you.

“Well,” Dr. Winchester leans back in his chair, and swings his legs up onto his desk and brings his hands to fold in his lap. It makes him look surprisingly casual - not at all the image you had of doctors and therapists in your mind. “In this case, the stimulus is an unwanted behaviour, your over zealous sexual cravings and actions. We need to introduce an element of discomfort or unpleasantness into your experience of that behaviour, to discourage future indulgences,” he explains.

“What are you gonna do, Doctor?” you sneer at his title. “Put me in an electroshock chair and make me watch porn? Newsflash - that sounds amazing,” you scoff. Honestly, if that’s going to be your therapy, you’ll drop the attitude and sign the fuck up right now.

Dr. Winchester shakes his head, a small smirk on his lips. He stands, removing his jacket and tossing it on the back of the chair, then proceeds to unbutton the cuffs of his sleeves and roll them back, one at a time. You watch him suspiciously. The moment his jacket came off your head went straight to one conclusion, but that couldn’t be right. You find your eyes lingering on his forearms, the veins in them pulsing visibly just below the surface of his skin. You want to lick them.

“No you’re right, you’d enjoy that far too much.” The doctor’s voice brings you back to yourself and you look up, watching him slowly approaching your chair. “We won’t be associating a physical discomfort with the addiction, what we want is to alter your mental associations towards the behaviour. We’ll use a series of mantras, and repetition and after a period of good, focused work, we can start to transition you back to a home environment.” His hand comes up to grip the back of your wooden chair, right beside your ear, and you can feel the heat radiating from his body against your skin despite the several inches still separating you.

Between your legs, you can feel how much Dr. Winchester’s proximity is beginning to affect you. For some reason the way he’s speaking to you, so formal and condescending, is really turning you on. You bet if he knew, he’d just say it was another sign of your “addiction”. You can feel your panties starting to get a little slippery when you shift in your seat to look up at him, and you don’t manage to stifle your small intake of breath when the open crotch of the underwear accidentally catches on one of your pussy lips, sending a delicious tug of pain into your core.

Dr. Winchester smirks down at you, entirely unsubtle, probably assuming that gasp was your reaction to him being so near.

Finally, after far too long staring at him, you manage to take a breath and ask- “what exactly is my therapy going to be, then?” Your voice comes out much higher than you’d anticipated, and you feel your cheeks heat up in embarrassment.

Dr. Winchester’s hand drags along the top of the chair and lands on the back of your neck. You shiver when his skin touches yours, despite its warmth. His fingers wind themselves into your hair a second later and yank hard, pulling your head over the back of the chair so you’re forced to look straight up at him.

“Ow! What the hell?!” You reach behind you to try to break his grip but he just pulls again. The pain sends a new tendril of desire twisting down your spine to between your legs, and you feel your panties getting even wetter. You whimper, your arousal clearly evident to the doctor, who laughs.

“Yeah, I knew you’d be too into pain for that kind of thing to work,” he chuckles darkly. He bends down, face so close to yours you can feel his breath ghost against your cheek. “So here’s what we’re going to do instead. I’m gonna fuck you, but you’re going to make sure you don’t enjoy it. You’re going to cry and yell and beg me to stop.” He practically growls, nose brushing against yours, lips hovering just out of reach.

Your pussy clenches at his words, aroused beyond belief at the disdain he’s treating you with. You struggle against his grip deliberately, relishing in the renewed sting as his hand pulls your hair even tighter to keep you still.

“You really don’t get it, do you Dr. Winchester,” you try to laugh but your throat is taut and your air isn’t quite flowing easily enough to let you. “I like cock. I wanted you to fuck me the second I saw you. There’s nothing you could say or do that would make me want you to stop.”

“I think we can drop the formalities now,” he releases you, standing up and reaching for his belt. “It’s Sam, not ‘Doctor Winchester’.”

Your eyes drop to his hands immediately, watching his fingers deftly push his button through its hole and pull down his zip. He’s already hard, you can tell by the tent in his boxers, but you’re astonished to see when he pulls himself out that he’s actually only semi hard – his cock is just huge. You feel your mouth and your pussy water in equal measure.

“Fuck,” you whisper as he starts to stroke himself, eyes tracing up and down your body hungrily as he does so.

“You want this cock, Y/N?” he asks pointedly, and you nod mutely. “Use your words then.”

“Yes,” you breathe instantly, dropping to your knees on the hard, grey carpet in front of him.

“Then you don’t get it,” Sam smirked, contradictorily walking himself closer to you as he speaks, hand still pumping his cock.

“Please?” you beg, hoping that’s the game he’s trying to play. Maybe he thinks he can humiliate you enough that you won’t want to repeat the experience – he’s going to be wrong.

“Nope.” Sam pops the ‘p’ on the word teasingly. “Your mantra for today is ‘no’.”

“What?” you look up to him, confused.

“Anytime I ask you if this is what you want – if you want my cock in your mouth, in your pussy, anywhere I want to put it – anytime I ask you if you want it, you have to say ‘no’,” he smiles down at you like some kind of evil genius, and you’re getting annoyed now that you find this so fucking hot.

“You want me to pretend you’re raping me? Sounds like you need therapy.” Sam laughs, not at all offended by your jab.

“We’re trying to condition a new response, Y/N,” he explains lightly, still jacking himself off maddeningly close to your lips. It takes every ounce of self control you have not to lean forward and suck him down on the spot. “If you want my cock inside you, then you have to tell me you don’t. And hopefully, with time, you’ll start to believe what you’re saying out loud. You’ll believe that you don’t need this, don’t want this.” He taps his cock against your lips and your tongue chases him immediately, reaching for a taste of the liquid you felt pooling on his tip.

“Uh, uh, uh,” he pulls himself away, tutting. “What do you say, Y/N?”

You swallow your pride and give him what he’s asking, though begrudgingly.

“No, please, don’t.” Your voice is monotone, lifeless – like how you used to read out loud in English class when the teacher called on you.

“C’mon, you know that’s not good enough. How are you going to believe yourself if I don’t believe you?” Sam walks closer again and sets his cock against your mouth lightly. “You wanna suck my cock, baby?”

“No,” you manage to choke out, and your hesitance to say the word must sound like hesitance to give him a blow job because Sam buys it, and the next moment he’s pushing the shiny, pink head past your lips, against your tongue; not stopping until he hits the top of your throat. He pulls back again, taking himself completely out of your mouth.

“You want it?” he asks again, grinning down at you.

“No,” you whimper, while inside every fibre of your body is screaming – yes!

“Good girl,” he groans as he pushes himself back inside, and you moan along with him. This time he doesn’t stop himself, fucking all the way into your throat until your nose is pressed against the skin of his stomach. “Fuck, you really are a cockslut,” Sam grunts above you, pulling back a little and starting to fuck your mouth in earnest. “You haven’t gagged once. Not many girls manage that with me.”

You believe him. Your jaw is already aching from the stretch of your lips around his girth but you savour the hurt. You love this; being on your knees for some guy you barely know with his cock shoved as far in as he can fit it. This is what you were made for, you know it, no matter how hard Sam’s going to try to talk you out of it.

He fucks your throat for a few more minutes, lulling you into a false sense of security. You’ve relaxed into it now, and you aren’t thinking about the therapy or the role play or any of it, you’re only thinking about his cock against your tongue, heavy and velvety and perfect. You cry out when he pulls away, taking in a shocked breath at the sudden emptiness.

“You want it back baby girl?” Sam asks breathlessly, and you allow yourself a moment to feel smug at how clearly affected he is by your ministrations.

“Please,” you beg, crawling towards him, forgetting your lines. Sam pulls away, disappointment evident on his face.

“Wrong answer, Y/N.”

“No!” you shout hoarsely, trying to correct yourself. “I mean no, please, no.”

“No,” Sam sucks in a breath, reaching to pull up his trousers like he’s going to put himself away. “No, I don’t think I believe you.”

“No, Sam, please!” you beg, reaching out for him. “I can do this,” you whisper, and Sam lets you take his cock in your hand, wrapping his fingers over yours and guiding your strokes. “Ask me again?”

“Do you want my cock, Y/N?” Sam raises an eyebrow.

“No,” you say firmly. “No, don’t make me do this.”

“Good girl,” he says again, his hand tightening over yours and using you to jerk himself off. “Do you want my cock, Y/N?”

“No,” you whine, trying to play into it even though your fingers start trying to jack him off faster of their own accord, your hands slipping together over the saliva you’d left behind.

“Do you want my cock in your pussy?” Sam growls, reaching his free hand out to snag your hair and pulling hard, causing you to shout out in delicious pain.

“No!” you squeal, trying to pull out of his hold, hoping you can act your way through this convincingly enough to get what you really want.

“No, whore?” Sam spits on you harshly, the wet striking you on the cheek and dripping down your chin.

“No,” you scream again as he pulls you off of the ground by your hair, throwing you forwards over his desk. Books and pads of paper go crashing to the ground. Pens scatter around you when your elbow hits the mug that was holding dozens of them.

“No?” you hear Sam scoff as he flips up the hem of your patient-issued uniform skirt, spotting the pair of crotchless panties you’re wearing beneath. “You’re telling me a slut like you, who gets put in an insititution for sex addiction, and decides to pack crotchless fucking panties, doesn’t want my cock stuffing her cunt full?”

“No, I don’t want it,” you moan, his words positively setting you on fire. Fuck, you want everything he’s saying and more.

“I don’t fucking believe you,” Sam spits between your legs, adding to the slick that must be visibly gathered there by now.

“No!” you cry out when he delivers a stinging blow to your pussy, palm landing right over the open slit of your panties. “No,” you sob out again as he continues to spank you, each hit making a sickly wet echo and sending a jolt of heat through your clit every time his fingers happen to catch it. “No, no, no,” you’re begging, even as you spread your legs wider and push your hips back into his hand, trying to angle yourself so he hits your small bundle of nerves more frequently.

“You’re fucking loving this aren’t you,” Sam is seething behind you. “I can feel how wet you are, you fucking whore. You want my cock now, huh? Want me to put all this slick to good use?” He dips his fingers into the crotch of your panties and comes away with his fingers drenched in your juices, which you see a moment later when he shoves them in your face, yanking you back by your hair again.

“See this slut? See how I can tell you’re lying to me? What’s all this for if it’s not to get you ready for my cock?”

“N–” you try to protest, needing him to believe you if you want to actually feel his cock inside you, but your words are cut off as he shoves his fingers into your mouth, making you lick yourself off his hand.

“That’s right, taste what a fucking embarrassment you are.” Sam lets go of your hair and from the corner of your eye you see his fingers reaching for one of the pens that you knocked onto the desk earlier. Pulling his fingers out of your mouth, he uncaps the pen and crouches down behind you, putting your pussy at eye level for him.

“I think we should let the world know just how much of a slut you really are.” You wonder what he means, feeling him draw a single line down your right buttock, then switching to your left and writing some words. “Now anyone who fucks you is gonna see my instructions, and know they have to leave a tally mark right here.” He slaps your ass hard where he had just drawn his own. “And every time you come back to me for a session with more tallies than you left with the last time I saw you, that’s just one more time you’re gonna have to go through this with me. To make sure we really break you out of this habit.”

You silently wonder how many guys there are in this hospital that you might want to fuck. He spanks you again and you clench, pussy convulsing at the threat and the thought of men keeping count of the cocks you’ve taken by literally writing it on your body. You feel a trickle of slick start to make its way down your thigh, and you know Sam must have noticed because he laughs darkly.

“You like the sound of that, don’t you? Are you already planning how to rack up your score as soon as I let you out of this office?” he sneers vehemently.

“No,” you shake your head, even though it’s entirely true. “No, I don’t want that, I promise, I don’t.”

“But you still want my cock?” Sam questions, and you feel the tip of his dick start to drag against you, up and down the slit of your panties.

“No, I don’t want it,” you insist, trying to keep yourself from pushing back onto him.

“Good girl, Y/N,” Sam pets at your lower back and braces himself as he starts to sink in. You both moan when he enters you, but to your chagrin he stops when he only has an inch or so inside. “You want me to keep going?” he pants, and you’re pleased to hear that he’s not as composed now that he’s got the head of his cock wedged between your legs.

“No,” you shake your head quickly, silently praying for him to continue.

“Very good,” he groans, and begins to thrust into you again; tiny, sharp motions to ease himself into you bit by bit.

“No, stop,” you whine without prompting, hoping to encourage him to go faster. He does. “No, no, no,” you chant until he’s sheathed himself completely inside you, his hips pressed firmly into yours, his hands squeezing around your waist possessively.

“No?” Sam asks teasingly, pulling out a little.

“No!” you cry again, and this time you do mean ‘no’ – you don’t want him to leave you. At your cry Sam pushes back in harshly, snapping his hips back against yours and moaning, the sound bubbling up deep from his chest. “No,” you try repeating the phrase, testing your theory, and you’re rewarded by Sam withdrawing and fucking back into you piercingly.

“Please stop, please,” you whimper, not able to stop yourself from rocking back into his thrusts as Sam starts a punishing pace.

“You fucking liar, you love this you little cockslut,” Sam grunts pointedly, taunting you.

“No,” you insist, still meeting him thrust for thrust. “No I don’t want this, I don’t want you!”

“You’re always going to want cock, always gonna beg for it.”

“No!”

“You want me to stuff you full everyday don’t you? Maybe more than that. I bet you’d sit under my desk all day with my cock in your mouth if I told you to,” he laughs, his harsh pace becoming even quicker. He’s not fucking you deeply now but that means that every time he pushes in the head of his cock punches hard against the sweet spot on the front of your pussy, making you clench around him.

“No,” you shudder, feeling yourself close to the brink of your release, and you wonder what he’ll do when you cum – a clear demonstration that you’re fucking loving this, despite what you’re saying out loud.

“Say it louder, bitch,” he grunts, reaching down and spanking hard against your clit.

“No, no, stop!” you shout, desperately trying to fuck yourself on his cock, your orgasm just out of reach.

“You want to cum on my cock?” Sam slaps you again but then starts to rub tiny circles just where you need them.

“N–no,” you stutter, unable to hold back your moan.

“You don’t want to cum baby, you sure?” he teases, angling his hips so he’s fucking your sweet spot with each drive into you.

“No,” you whine, voice pitching higher as you feel yourself right there.

“No?” You can hear from Sam’s voice that he’s pouting at you, mocking you. “You don’t want to cum baby? Not gonna cum on my big, fat cock fucking you so good?” You clench around him, your toes curling, straining… “Come on you little slut, fucking cum already. Thought whores like you were supposed to be easy? Huh? Want you to cum for me, Y/N.”

“No, no, no, no, no–” you lose track of what you’re saying as you cum, screaming into your arm so you don’t accidentally say something to make Sam stop fucking you. Thankfully, he doesn’t stop. He fucks you through your orgasm and your come down, hips snapping more and more erratically as you bury your face in his desk and try to catch your breath.

Suddenly, the weight of his body is gone, and then there’s a warm jolt between your legs, and you know he’s cumming – aiming his load at the top of your panties and letting it drip down through the open crotch. You moan high in your throat at the feeling of his release soaking into your underwear, mixing with your own juices, which are already leaking out of you and dripping onto his desk.

“That was a really good session, Y/N,” Sam says, and you’re surprised to hear how composed he sounds, though a little breathless. “I think this is going to be a good strategy for you.” He walks around to the other side of his desk and starts to pick up the books and papers you’d knocked down earlier.

Slowly, you peel yourself up off his desktop, your skin sticking to the surface with sweat that’s already started to dry.

“Go clean yourself up, Y/N,” Sam instructs, not looking at you as he continues to tidy his desk. You turn to go, still in your post-orgasmic daze, but you spin back around when Sam calls your name again. “Oh, and Y/N?” you look at him curiously, and a smirk curls slowly across his lips as you watch. “You better keep the tally marks, or there’ll be consequences next session.”

“Yes, Dr. Winchester,” you agree quietly and slip out of his office into the hallway, walking back to your room behind an orderly, with Sam’s cum still dripping down your thighs. You think about the tally he’d left on your body, and you look up at the orderly, who’s now stopped at the door to your room and holding it open for you.

As you pass him, you keep your eyes trained at the ground, and glance sideways to surreptitiously inspect the man next to you. The hospital scrubs do nothing to hide his endowment. You smile brightly, bringing your eyes up the rest of his body, taking in the muscles in his arms and the name tag on his chest, before landing on his face.

“Thanks, Dean.” You walk into your room, eyes flicking back to see Dean still standing there, watching you walk towards your bed. You bend over to grab something off the bottom shelf of your nightstand, not caring what you grab, just knowing that you’re now giving Dean a full display of your ass – Sam’s writing and Sam’s cum decorating your skin.

The door behind you shuts quietly.

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We’re All Mads Here: @vulgar-library @tintentrinkerin @negans-lucille-tblr @fandomfic-galore @petitgateau911 @schaefchenherde @kickingitwithkirk @little-diable @laxe-chester67 @kassyscarlett @austin-winchester67 @flamencodiva @katbratsupernaturalwhore

All SPN: @cemini-winchester @akshi8278 @stoneyggirl @deandreamernp @lyarr24 @lovealways-j @slamminmine @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone @eddiesgirl @raidens-realm @tatted-trina6 @defenderrosetyler @delightfullykrispypeach @05supernatural20

#samwinchesterbingo #j3bingo #spnkinkbingo #anyfandomgoesbingo #sam x reader #tw: noncon roleplay #doctor!sam #therapist!sam #aversion therapy #writethelifeyouwant

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