#which forced me to accept the odd parts of myself

[cock-holliday]

Thinking thinking thinking about Leslie Feinberg in Outlaw talking about gender and zie described hirself as a “transgendered woman.” Leslie had ID’ed as “trans” but I had not heard til that interview zie saying “transgender(ed) woman.”

I know zie considered hirself still a lesbian, and something under a trans umbrella, and while many were quick to assign “trans man” or “transmasc” onto hir, I knew that somewhere in a sense of womanhood, zie identified with a woman-adjacent label still.

I had not considered zie would combine hir sense of womanhood with the label of trans but it makes complete sense, and gives a whole new layer to hir sense of sisterhood with (amab) trans women!

Zie was a woman in a transgressive, transitional, transgender(ed) way. A trans woman.

What a concept of gender and transness that would make so many spaces spit blood. But it makes total sense!

Oh, to have more people recognize the trans umbrella (and frankly entire queer umbrella) as a spectrum of transgressive gender and not as mirrors for cisheteropatriarchy.

#leslie feinberg #outlaw 1994 #I’ve seen clips but never the whole video!! #in 1994 no less #damn wish id seen this sooner #leslie continuously rocking my world when it comes to gender understanding #the shit zie and Kate Bornstein did—partially just by existing—has had such a profound impact on me #everything both said was either relatable as hell or so jarring but understandable when I shifted my perspective #which forced me to accept the odd parts of myself #dare I say…the queerest parts

[lightfeltmemories]

trouble trio sharing a partner.

characters include: feitan, phinks, shalnark

note: fun fact, this was left as a draft on my main for like over a year and i read over it and thought.... it would be better on here, but anyway, there's a lot of adult trio poly stuff, why not trouble trio? I have plans (just me announcing it, I already know it'll take years for me to actually go through with making said content) on making trouble trio content, fanfics and whatnot. so, here's a headcanon post about how the trouble trio would go with a polygamous relationship with the reader, nsfw themes will have a 🔞 on the side so look out! and when it comes to requesting anything similar to this..... no, i will not do the adult trio.

trigger warnings: yandere tendencies (but there's no actual yandere stuff like obsessiveness and whatever, most of it is just their normal way of showing affection), mentions of kidnapping, possessiveness, reader's eventual death, feitan carves his initials onto you because "you're his."

parts of this contain nsfw material, do not interact if you are a minor.

How It Starts

So, who are you? For them to actually even care about your existence, you would either have to be a part of the troupe or be someone they know way back from Meteor City, I highly doubt they would go heart eyes over some really stunning person they ran into on a mission or so, because looks aren't everything, right? A pretty girl, a handsome boy, or an attractive genderless person isn't gonna phase them in the slightest, unless you're powerful enough to woo them out their boots, other than that, the choices are; being apart of the troupe (which is the most likely case, since they have a chance of them all being with you more often) or you being a friend of theirs in meteor city and their feelings grew overtime.

Who would fall for your first? I'm honestly tied between Phinks and Shalnark, for Feitan it would take like 2 billion years for his crush to kick in since he isn't in tune with his more softer emotions (yet), Shalnark to me is.... odd... he seems like the type to fall for someone oh so easy but dude is like, the personified version of "don't judge a book by its cover," and the only thing Phinks got going for him is..... anger issues, so I'd go with Phinks on this one! of course when people (troupe members) ask him about his affections towards you, he denies them with the most obvious blush on his face, his infatuation isn't exactly that obvious but there are some hints like him wanting to be next to you more or even the two of you hanging out on your off days! next on the list: Shalnark, so how exactly would he fall for you? well, he'd probably get paired up with you more on missions and when he starts to hang out with you more he starts to feel himself grow fond of you more, and it slowly grows into a crush! kind of simple really. And finally after those 2 billion years are up, Feitan is up next! Everyone has this collective idea that if he realizes he has a crush on you, he'd do the opposite of his two counterparts; he'd want to avoid you so that the feelings won't grow stronger as he considers it a distraction, he may even contemplate on killing you, which is something I really hate to say since I feel like the idea is slightly far fetched for his character (i'm guilty of saying this myself but i considering the topic of that specific post i wanted to be dramatic) but I can see why people think this, killing you only goes if you aren't a member of the troupe but since you are, he'd have to deal with you, forcing himself to accept the fact as time goes by that he is in love with you, he's confused with his feelings when it comes to you, he isn't used to crushes, no one to him is that special for him to fall for, love is very sacred to him, it's something he and the others mentioned above haven't really experienced, and as it grows, he starts to form a soft spot for you as he gets to know you well, he starts to find parts of you that made him like you to begin with. (ik Feitan's is kinda longer than the others but I'm biased he's my fav).

How would they act around you? This was really hard to do for some reason but I already stated above that Phinks would hang out with you more and would be near you a lot, at first his affections towards you wouldn't be too different to how he acts towards others, for someone like him he's pretty good at hiding his infatuation, though over time he's starting to loose the "I have a crush on Y/N" allegations, the others would tease him a little for how he acts around you, he shows to have more sympathy and affection for you, like he's more handsy with you than everyone else, and is most definitely protective over you, he really is a girly girl, ain't he? Shalnark is a bit more happier when he's in your presence, he opens up with you way more than everyone else (when you two are alone ofc) and plays video games with you, he'll never give you a break and let you win though, he's just too good! (And competitive) May not be as protective as Phinks but he damn sure isn't gonna let you getting injured slide. Feitan once again is an interesting case, since he's come to terms with him being infatuated with you, the signs will be waaaay more subtle than Phinks', you would lowkey be left confused, like something tells you he likes you but you can't exactly prove he does, you're seen with him more often, he talks to you more, but in the beginning that's about it really, but overtime he gets more handsy with you like Phinks but not as much, he would most definitely tease you when he's in a good mood, giving you nicknames and such, and of course, very protective over you.

Confessing & Relationship

Finding out they all like you! When they start to see one of the other become more affectionate towards you, shit starts to get real, a scenario where Feitan sees you and Shalnark playing a newly released game, the both of you are so happy, laughing and all, and Feitan is hiding somewhere and just stares at the both of you, the worst scenarios are running through his mind, are they dating? do they like him? he wants to do something about it but can't because for one troupe members can't fight and two, he sees how happy you are, how can he ruin that? Another scenario is the old fashioned switcheroo where you and Feitan are getting a little too handsy with one another, he's got his hand on your thigh and your hand on his shoulder, Shalnark is now in Feitan's shoes, bad scenarios running through his brain thinking the two of you have a thing for each other, a part of him wants to step in but he can't. It's kind of subtle at first until everything starts to build up, they can see each other's jealousy seeping through, let's say Phinks was the one to save you from an attacker and Feitan wasn't quick enough, a glare is shot at Phinks' way as he sees the way he's holding you and reassuring you, and he catches it, he's confused, what the hell is going on? Another scenario where the troupe is having fun or whatnot and you and Shalnark are laughing about something a little too hard, he spots both Phinks and Feitan seething in jealousy, he's also confused! Until it all hits the three of them; they all like you!

Them finding out..... So, when they finally sit and conversate about the rising tensions between them to solve it, they come to the conclusion that you are the reason why, how will they go about this? They all have a goal in mind; a monogamous relationship with you, they are all trying their absolute hardest not to start anything between them, they were all on good terms until this very incident, they had no idea what to do about this, their own friends are crushing on the same person they want, and the tensions can only grow from here, and beyond this point things can go either north (good) or south (bad) really quickly. From here on out, they challenge themselves to impress you so that one of them finally gets you, an unspoken rule, until they realize that you like all three of them, and things grow extra confusing, they're happy because "yay they like me!" but also mad because "grrr they like him back!!" So everyone involved is kinda like.............. "omg??"

Poly? So, because everything came out, they all like you and you like all of them back, they're stuck here wondering how this will work, a polygamous relationship isn't even a thought to them because they just want to have you, and it may be one of your biggest fantasies, you eventually let it out that you want all of them at the same time and because of their confusion you would have to explain to them, they argue that it's not going to work well, since for one, they are all territorial when it comes to you, Feitan is most definitely the worst one since he's never exactly felt this feeling before and it's most likely his first crush and potential relationship, and since you're pretty special to him he doesn't want to lose you to someone else, in all honesty he'd probably kidnap you and hide you away from Phinks and Shalnark if you weren't apart of the troupe, so you can be his forever, yayyy, we love yanderes!!!! Phinks is in the middle, while yes he wants you to himself he doesn't want to admit that he would want to at least give it a chance, Shalnark is pretty chill, the idea of him having you to himself is nice also, but a polygamous relationship would probably solve all this conflict between them.

They Agree, so The Relationship Starts Here! So they decided that just for you, they would all agree to date you, of course at first this doesn't sit right with them since they want you to be with one of them, but they're also like... shit, I mean we all technically got what we wanted so we might as well make the best of it!

Small Miscellaneous Things

When they don't receive enough attention. Despite you all agreeing on a polygamous relationship, they all still get jealous whenever one is getting more attention than the other, when Phinks isn't receiving enough attention he gets more agitated, prone to more outbursts and will even straight up pull you away from the other, when Shalnark isn't receiving more attention, he would tap your shoulder or find ways to annoy you like hugging you or getting in your face, when Feitan isn't receiving more attention he finds ways to get yours by breaking something like a glass cup so that you can at least say a few words to him even if they aren't exactly the most kind, or staring at you for an ungodly amount of time to the point where you can physically feel his eyes on you, or like Phinks, will pull you away from the other so that you can be with him more.

🔞 What sex is like! Sex isn't too different from the usual, you can't really have group sex with them often since shit gets competitive real fast, they will go above and beyond to make you cum the hardest and scream the loudest, but when one or two of them so happens to be away, Feitan will make marks on your body to be territorial, so show the other two or to other people outside that he was the one who made that mark there, and it's even worse because he puts them in places that aren't exactly the easiest to cover, either it be a bite mark or a scar that spells out his initials. Shalnark will mark hickeys on your neck or will have photos of you having his cum dripping on your face or you laying beside him just completely slutted out and send them to the other two just for giggles, Phinks won't do anything outrageous (he can't you'll fucking die) but will have you wear his clothes afterwards to let the other two know when they get back who fucked them out ;).

Things start to get better! Overtime they start to realize that the petty fights over who gets to spend more time with you are meaningless, and that they all love you and you all love them, it takes them a while for them to come to these terms, but in the end, it gets better for the future, and everyone loves each other, movie nights aren't filled with who's chest you get to lay on anymore, sex isn't "who gets to make them cum harder" more, you don't feel as if you're some type of prized possession, you're now treated with actual respect and love and consideration, of course there's fights here and there like any other normal couple, but life is good.... for them anyway.

You were murdered! If they ever come into your house to find it ransacked, their first priority is to see if you're alright, they find your body laying in your room, devoid of all life, shit starts to get real, they never rest to look for the one who did this to you, since Shalnark has cameras hidden away around the house, it doesn't take long to find out who did it from hacking and such, and once they find them, it takes so much to not just rip their head to shreds and feed it to wild animals, Feitan wants to give them the worst of all of his tortures, and afterwards they die by their phinks blowing their head clean off their shoulders or shit maybe shalnark will do it.

#hunter x hunter #trouble trio x reader #phinks magcub #shalnark ryusei #feitan portor #phinks x reader #shalnark x reader #feitan x reader #hxh

[halfetirosie]

Character Ask meme- Edmond

@xenole I hope you know that you opened the floodgates, and this was going to be even longer but I forced myself to stop before I went fully off-the-rails...

♡♡♡Edmond♡♡♡

First impression

Believe it or not, my first impression of Edmond actually wasn’t good! I was like, “Damn, he’s pretty, but he’s such an asshole!” He seemed stuck-up at best and unnecessarily mean to Eiden at worst. I felt a wee bit better about him when he told Yakumo that the knights that bothered his village were being punished, but I still didn’t like him very much.

Impression now

*Deep inhale*

EVERYDAY I REPENT FOR MY PAST ACTIONS!!!!

I LOVE EDMOND AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM!!!!!

Yo. The GAP MOE. He acts all cold and professional at work, but then we find out that he’s sensitive??? And addicted to sugar??? (Literally a sweetheart!) And he’s basically an otaku that reads erotic book series in his spare time??? (SO DAMN RELATABLE????)

And it is so easy to misunderstand him if you’re only looking at the surface level. Like, yes, his general speech patterns are very rough and blunt, but that’s only because of his upbringing in nobility. He holds himself to a higher standard, but is incredibly humble.

No, really; let’s take a moment to really look at that noble upbringing of his. Aster makes it very clear that many (if not most) of the nobles of Klein are stupid, greedy, and/or corrupt in some capacity—they don’t really care about the common people. Edmond grew up surrounded by that, along with their insane amount of ettiquette, customs, and roundabout ways of speaking. It would’ve been TOO EASY for him to turn out to be a self-absorbed snob, too.

But he isn’t!!! Against all odds, Edmond grew up to be an upright man with a strong sense of justice and concern for civilians. He takes noblesse oblige seriously. He works hard everyday in everything he does; and he does A LOT. Like, A LOT a lot. His full-time job as Vice Captain, plus Clan duties, plus household duties (so that his mother doesn’t have to do any of it, even though she says she can). 

It’s no wonder, then, that he’s so goddamn repressed!!!

Sure, he’s a tsundere. But that’s only out of habit (and shyness), rather an actual reflection of his desires. He’s used to stifling that part of himself. He’s used to treating lust as shameful, because he’s afraid of lacking discipline; he doesn’t want to be like all the other trashy nobles in high society.

But through all of his intimacy rooms, Edmond is accepting himself more and more—his sexuality, his essence/magic, and his feelings. While he’s still the strict and hardworking Vice Captain, he’s finding more balance in his life.

Favorite moment

So hard to pic only one!!!

During the White Dat event, Edmond makes his awful dad-joke and looks so proud of himself, it makes me feel so endeared I can barely handle it!!!

The Tranquil Cloud intimacy rooms also hold a special place in my heart. In them, there’s a moment where Edmond deliberately slows his steps so Eiden can walk next to him. Later on in the day, Eiden accidentally finds out that Edmond was following a very specific tip from a certain book:

CUTEEEEEEE!!!! It reminds me of when you're a young kid looking up online "how to know if my crush likes me" or "how to get your crush to like you back" XD!!!

Of course, when Edmond sees Eiden reading that page (which he’d bookmarked and even underlined), he gets very embarrassed. But Eiden is very impressed, moved, and (as per usual) turned on. XD

Idea for a story

It won’t be coming out anytime soon, because there are different stories I have to work on first, but I have started on an Edmond fic! In it, while Edmond is off investigating a drug ring, he ends up raiding a greenhouse filled with plants and animals that were used to make the drugs. After the animals are inspected, those without abnormalities are released back into the wild; however, one of them returns and keeps following Edmond around! Thus, Edmond gets reverse-adopted and gains his own animal friend!

Unpopular opinion

Idk if this is an unpopular opinion or not, but I NEED more of the Edmond intimacy rooms to lean in to BDSM territory!!!

Don’t get me wrong; I absolutely ADORE the romance-heavy rooms. And there have been some rooms that feature light over-stimulation, but other than that? That one fingering scene that had Lord/Knight role-play and then (blessedly) the Elite Instructor Edmond R2 with light bondage and spanking.

But it’s not enough!!!

Come on, devs! You can’t just have Eiden point out that Ed “likes a little pain” in the first sex scene they have, and then do barely ANYTHING with it! I want to see Edmond completely lose his head! I want him to completely let go! I want him to forget his own name, dammit!!!

Favorite relationship

I love it when Yakumo is inflicted with Edmond!!! XD Edmond ruining everything he touches by drowning it in sugar, while Yakumo desperately attempts to stay calm…>:)

More seriously, Edmond’s relationship with Eiden is TOP TIER. With every event he’s featured in, all of the intimacy rooms show him falling deeper and deeper in love. It's the sweetest thing ever!!!!

Favorite headcanon

Mama’s Boy Edmond! I like to imagine that Ed’s mom (who, from what we’ve seen, is super cool) will give him completely unsolicited relationship advice, in typical mom-fashion! Like, the two of them will be causally eating lunch, and out of nowhere she’ll say something like “You know, Edmond dear, the more often someone sees you, the more fond they'll be of you. If the Grand Sorcerer sees your face every day, it’ll be easier to seduce him!” And Ed would practically shriek “Mother! How could you say something so scandalous?!?!” But then later that same day he’ll be sure to swing by Aster's mansion, an be sure to walk by Eiden's room…

#nu carnival #nu: carnival #nu carnival edmond

[sillylovingpupper]

I want to talk, uh, about Firefly. There will be spoilers for Honkai Star Rail 2.0

So the driving force behind 2.0 is Firefly; the current arc we're in has wider implications, but 2.0 was pretty clearly set up to introduce you to Penacony and get you to emphasize with Firefly. She is clearly designed to tug at your heartstrings. It's...pretty naked what the writers were hoping to invoke, but I want to rewind a bit. I want to talk about a certain scene, and how it relates to me, and...probably quite a few people reading this. I want to talk about Entropy Loss Syndrome.

I have very little doubt we'll hear more about it in the coming content; I keep myself away from leaks so I don't know if it's confirmed or not and I don't want to know. Everything I want to talk about is in this cutscene right here. Entropy Loss Syndrome is described as "irreversible chronic disassociation of your physical structure." Essentially, your body slowly breaks apart. Firefly explicitly says that it happens so slowly that it's hard to even notice from the outside.

This is the part that made me sit up and take notice, though.

Because while I can't tell you the date? I can tell you the year I noticed this happening to me.

This is the part where I need to tell you a bit about myself.

I was...a relatively healthy person, once upon a time. I wouldn't say I was in the peak of health, but physically I was quite capable, especially when it came to stamina and endurance. I prided myself on being able to walk further, last longer, and do more than other people. I couldn't go as fast as some or lift as much as some, but I could do it longer. And that was taken advantage of. I was a lowerclass American, of course it was. From the age of 17 to the age of roughly 29, the only period longer than six months that I didn't have a fulltime job was the semester and half of college, and the CNA training, that I attended. And in each of those jobs? I made myself indispensable because of the stamina I prided myself on. I'd work doubles, I'd work days in a row, I'd skip breaks, all without complaining. Which leads me to 2019.

After a year of difficult work as a CNA, involving...a lot of interpersonal drama at around the same time I was realizing I was transgender, I...buckled, in 2016. I left that line of work and took the first job that accepted me; McDonalds. At that point, I lived alone with my cat, and I had come to accept that was my fate. I would live alone, work at McDonalds until something happened, and move on to...a similar job, and so on until I died. I simply lost my desire to live, a desire that wouldn't return until early 2018 where, for some reason, against all odds, I pulled myself to a therapist. In 2019, I had, without any true intent on my part, ascended to the role of manager, and found myself shuffled to night shift. I took pride in my work, humble and underpaid as it was, and applied the same stamina and endurance to it that I had my previous jobs. ...until something changed. It was slow at first. I didn't even notice it, I wrote it off as a series of bad days...but thoughts were slightly out of reach. The amount of sleep I needed started to increase. The amount of time it took me to complete an order or clean an area increased. The distance I could walk or ride my bike started to shrink. I ran out of breath slightly easier. Truthfully, this had started happening when I was a CNA, but only on great exertion. I can't say it came from being less active, because of anything, I was more active, as I didn't have a car or the ability to drive...but increasingly I found myself unable to do anything but go to work, and even then, I needed more rest than before.

Fortunately, I was able to move in with some friends in mid 2020, and I haven't worked since, not for pay. I did promise them, in exchange for supporting me, I'd do housework; cook, clean, and support them however I could. A promise I have kept to this day, to the best of my abilities. But those abilities were continuing to shrink, and still do to this day. They noticed then, and they do now.

I went from being fiercely independent and active, to relying on a cane to keep myself stable and prevent falls, to now, where I can't even grocery shop on my own without leaning on the cart or using a motorized cart. I own a wheelchair for especially bad days. ...my thoughts and memories escape me on a nearly daily basis now, and I've found days, every now and again, slip through my fingers.

I've seen doctors, and none of them understand it, not entirely. There's been...theories, and a handful of things that contribute. Dehydration, sleep apnea, issues with my inner ear, even my HRT. Nothing that explains the fullness of it, though. Words like Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia are being thrown around, but we can't even point to a clear infection that could have triggered any of those. And all of this terrifies me. There's a part of me that just keeps telling myself that I'm getting older, that it's normal to slow down as you age...or that maybe it's diet, or getting the wrong kind of exercise. But at the end of the day...I'm losing abilities that I prided myself on. Abilities that I loved. I've found myself largely bound to my house and...

To be honest, I've told myself I'm fine with that. I've painted for myself a beautiful picture where I keep myself at home, take it easy physically and even mentally, and live a peaceful life. There's a part of me that even sees this as the best possible ending for me, but... with even my cognition slipping away from me...what kind of life can I have?

I've gotten through so much of my life, done things that I would have thought were impossible, simply by convincing myself they weren't. That nothing was impossible to a mind that believed. So Firefly means a lot to me because while she has a name for it, and I don't...both of us find ourselves in a body that's slowly betraying us. And Firefly was the first time I've seen someone on screen who had the same kind of struggle as me, and who also chose to keep walking forward and dreaming despite of it. I don't know what kind of life I'll have. I still don't even know for sure if this...whatever it is, is even real and not a result of me overreacting to getting a little slower and my mind filling in the gaps. But...whatever lies ahead of me...I hope that I can still live it brilliantly. I hope maybe one day, I can be the kind of person I was once again, even if I have to take it in smaller bites.

#honkai star rail #hsr spoilers #hsr firefly #chronic illness

[velvet-vox]

The paradoxical nature of Qilby: part 2

Going back to the end of the previous part where I declared Qilby an autism icon, it came to me the realisation that autism is really the only way to justify some of Qilby's actions and odd behaviour; as a big brother and autistic person myself I also would force the people I care about to engage in my interests, I understand on a subconscious level that what I am doing is wrong, but I just care about it so much that I need to share it with them at all costs.

(Even though I would never go as far as starting a war with another species just to force my race to go on a family trip with me).

And like, no offence to Yugo or the Elatrope council but it is my theory that all the Yugo haters have begun popping up due to some people head cannon that him and his family is inadvertently ableist, which (although I might agree considering their dynamic and who their mother is) I don't think it's completely warranted; as someone else pointed out if mental health and psycho analysis existed in the Krosmoz then Nox would have never come to be; if somebody explained what autism is to Yugo then maybe he would be more lenient on Qilby (or maybe not, after all he is his brother), Nora also doesn't know about autism but she is more accepting of Qilby's oddities even if she doesn't like them, and Qilby SURE AS HECK DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AUTISM IS.

Side note: Shinonome is not necessarily autistic, since my sister understands me perfectly and she isn't on the autism spectrum herself, but she clearly has inherited her more passive personality from her mother while Qilby has probably taken more from his father meaning that even if she was she probably wouldn't go about it in the boisterous manner of his twin.

However all of this is just a head canon and not the focus of this post. What I instead want to point out and analyse is the list-like approach of Qilby to anything and how that reflects the way many autistic people approach mostly every conflict in their life. Let me explain:

The way this list-like methodology works is entirely centered around a priority system, so basically Qilby schematizes in his head what he needs to do and say in which order and he has to follow it religiously in order to get anything done, so like on his to do list there is:

First: Confront Adamai and Grougal. Second: Get Rushu's army and alliance. Third: Confront Yugo and Phaeris and take them out. Fourth (interchangeable with third): Get the Dofus. Fifth: Go the Emrumb to get the children. And Sixth: Leave the planet.

And he has to do them in this order because this is the way that he has envisioned them.

This is also reflected in the way that he goes about science and space travel: he reaches a planet, discovers his species, analyses them, classifies them, compartmentalizes them, collects some, rinse and repeat in the next world.

And finally, I want to bring up his two most famous sentences of season 4 to showcase how this priority based thought process carries on to his speech pattern and family view.

"My dear Yugo, we are brothers, before being enemies"

See?

Qilby realises on his relationship list that Yugo is its enemy, but that before that he is its brother, that's what has the biggest priority for him in this moment and in general. But that's not even the most interesting part:

"Farewell Yugo. My brother, my king."

This phrase of course has been plastered all over the fanbase, but like.... did anybody ever think about how weird this sentence is? You would expect Qilby to say brother as his last word, as a final acceptance nod to the fact that deep down he does care about Yugo. But no. Instead he says:

"Good luck"(the situation's dramatic, so he's giving Yugo an encouragement as the first thing)

"My brother,"(Yugo is his demigod brother born from another Dofus)

"My king."(lastly, Yugo is also his king, as sentenced by Chibi in a previous life)

Qilby could have just called Yugo brother as his last word to show that he cares, but instead he decides to call him king, a title that means very little to him on their relationship chart, to show that he values him so much that he is going to use a term that means very little to him just to let Yugo know that he is willing to acknowledge the part of their brotherhood that he doesn't care about as a substitute acceptance nod to the aspect of their dynamic that he values the most.

<<<<Previous part

#wakfu yugo #wakfu season 2 #wakfu qilby #wakfu season 4 #wakfu adamai #wakfu grougaloragran #wakfu phaeris #wakfu shinonome #krosmoz #ankama #autism #autistic traits #autistic trauma #wakfu nora #wakfu nox #wakfu eliatrope #wakfu chibi #wakfu

[lyralit]

do not mourn a broken body

my skin fits like it isn’t mine it’s a cloak I wear, from nine to five but it’s odd, and unshapely, and doesn’t fit right but it’s mine. and when you mock & stare I feel those thoughts crawling under my bones piercing through that skin— the words you chose, they tear me down, shred my skin, force me to bow to a force that isn’t mine, your light of “acceptance” that only shines divine on the most beautiful of souls who are praised, not broken, before your throne of bones.

and after each shove on the body I knew,  taken down by the chinks in the armour I grew, as I stand to rise, again and again, to meet that voice, to crush my pain, I learn it’s harder to rise than fall, that living in vain isn’t worth life’s gall. and while other souls pass, unflinching as you break me down, I can’t help but wonder maybe they’re also broken, maybe once they had bowed, and it’s the thunder of your voice that wore them down to who they are now, raw but real, survivors of your words who once felt what I now feel. and so I rise, again and again, to crush that voice and face that pain.  if this cloak of skin doesn’t fit right, doesn’t go right over my bones, I’ll make it fit, wrenching it over my veins and shattered soul. 

but now I see: the most beautiful things are broken, because without the cracks how can you mourn its worth? I am broken, but your words, which shattered me, have also   glued me, pieced me together —oh, they have also made me whole again, strengthening the bonds between pieces of myself, teaching me to toughen where I shoud’ve broken, learning to call for help. do not mourn a broken body, because bodies will fix themselves. and though the parts don’t quite fit, the skin now stretched over it does. now you can’t hurt me from your throne of bones because surviving the shoves, now I know— your only worth is the words you send, that tear like hellfire, and mimic pain. now my laugh overpowers your sighs, as I wear my skin from five to nine.

#poetry #9k

[fictionalmenownmyheart]

If your requests are still open can you write one with Miles Teller where the reader is in the military (you can decide which branch) and she helps him get ready for his role as Bradley “ROOSTER” Bradshaw and also helps on set. Then while filming that’s when the reader finds out she’s pregnant and enlists in the casts help in telling Miles.

Baby Teller • miles teller

I hope I’ve done you’re amazing request justice. After the mention of incorporating the idea of protective Miles from @nickie-amore that isn’t on the request I just had to give it a go and include it, it is short and brief though so I hope that is still okay! At first it scared me that I wouldn’t be able to write for this request but I really enjoyed this. I will disclaimer that I have no US Military knowledge what so ever so I’ve done some research for this in terms of rank and the roles in the different armed forces so I left the detailing very vague. I can’t speak for all the great service women out there so I’m sorry if my portrayal is incorrect. I apologise if it doesn’t replicate your vision for your request in the way I have executed it. Also I should say that there are some time skips of when everything takes place so I’ll separate them and hope that it’s clear enough.

You can read Part 2 here.

Gif is not mine, belongs to the owner.

Warnings: not a lot of Miles until towards the end, fluff

Miles Teller x fem!reader

Word count: 2.5k

After we had found out the great news that Miles was going to be in the sequel film of Top Gun everything changed. I was so happy for him, I knew this role meant a lot to him and I also knew he wanted to do it for me. As a woman in the US military I was sadly use to the odd derogatory terms that were thrown at me, times have certainly changed enough to allow me to do the role I do, just as good (if not better than) my fellow skilled aircraft specialists but it doesn’t mean they choose to accept me. Because of the countless times I have wondered if I was good enough and if I actually should have my rank in the Air Force working as an Airforce Mechanic specialising in maintaining and repairing the planes having to prove myself wasn’t always easy and no one knows that better than Miles. He’s been my biggest supporter and helped me make the choice to enlist in the first place all those years ago before we had even started dating and were just friends.

The whole reason why he auditioned for the role of Rooster, as far as I was aware and could only speak for myself, is because he wanted to understand my life, the life my dad and grandfather led before me and the whole reason why I joined the US Air Force. Before I became a Teller, I was a(n) (Y/L/N) and it certainly showed in the path I chose to take.

Even though I’m not a part of the Navy, I know a hell of a lot about planes and the mechanics behind them. What I didn’t expect was for him to want me to be there every step of the way of filming, him wanting to do it all justice and as realistic as possible was his reasoning for having me behind the scenes and no one disagreed with that. There was even mention of including my name in the closing credits (how crazy is that?!). So that’s what I did, whenever he or any of the other cast or crew asked any questions I answered them as best as I could with my knowledge that 9 times out of 10 came in handy.

I loved getting to know everyone, they became another family like how I was with my brothers and sisters in my regiment were and what was even more lovely was that they all included me in it as well.

As filming got underway all of Miles’ focus went on his performance of getting into his role and I was giving as much advice as I could as well as enjoying seeing my husband at work in his element being so tirelessly busy so it came as a shock to me after I found out that what I thought was a little stomach bug going around set was something much more permanent, well at least for the next 9 months or so. I can’t deny it must have been the moustache, it should be a crime to look that good with one.

“Hey that’s the fourth time in an hour you’ve been going to the bathroom. Are you okay (Y/N)?” Monica ever the observer asks me after I come back from the toilets for the fourth time in an hour like she so correctly pointed out. Me and Monica had formed such a great bond, don’t get me wrong we all had, but maybe it’s because I see myself in the role that she’s playing as Phoenix so much, being one of the women in essentially a “man’s world”, she was doing it justice and letting us have the recognition we deserved. It’s hard and draining at times but the job as a whole is also so rewarding and I couldn’t see myself giving it up. I wouldn’t change it for the world, the good and bad times because that’s shaped me for who I am now and there’s no time dwelling on past situations when the future is right ahead of us.

I look into her brown eyes before checking that the surrounding area is clear, when I’m happy that no one is in close range to hear us I reply. “I found out yesterday morning that I’m pregnant, roughly six weeks along so still early days.”

I watch as her eyes widen and I cover her mouth with my hand before she can utter a word but I hear a slight catch in her throat sound out slightly. “You’re the only person I’ve told. Miles doesn’t know yet, to be honest I don’t know how to tell him. Even though we’ve been together for a long time we’ve only been married over a year and I know there are some future projects he wants to be involved with. I know he’s going to be happy, so happy, but I understand he’s focused on filming right now and it means so much to him I don’t want the news to mess with his head frame for filming so please don’t tell him, I’m not ready ye-“ I’m caught off guard as Monica reciprocates my actions from seconds before seizing my rambling with the palm of her hand and making me drop mine in shock.

Her eyebrows furrow as I see her process my words over in her mind. “When are you going to tell him then?”

She looks at me anticipating my reply, I stare back the silence growing awkward, I look down at the palm still covering my mouth. “Oh yeah, sorry about that.” She chuckles and I roll my eyes good heartedly before joining in with her laughter.

“Well I was thinking of probably telling him on the last day of filming, I was hoping you and the boys would help me.” I try and pull my best puppy dog eyes which seems to work quite well on her. I knew they would, they always catch Miles out and haven’t failed me yet.

“Say no more, I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to help.”

Ever since then me and Monica and the boys have been catching up and spending as much time revising the plan as possible to tell Miles during their time when they’re not needed onscreen. Miles has been none the wiser which has helped the plan commence even better than I could have asked for.

As the days have drawn closer to the impending anticipated end date of filming and my bump continuing to grow and being kept hidden by lots of loose fitting attire I also grew more nervous as every day passed. Even though Miles, as far as I was aware, had no clue about the plan I couldn’t say the same about my newfound distance I was putting between the two of us unintentionally of course. Because the bump was more prominent now I was more inclined to shy away from his touch which was the hardest thing to do when all I wanted was to cuddle up close and share the good news but it had to be done for the sake of the unveiling that wouldn’t be long now.

“Y/N have you seen my Hawaiian shirt? I can’t find it anywhere.”

“Which one? There’s many of them.”

“The cream and kinda green one, I wore it during the bar scene. I need it for filming because we’re reshooting it tomorrow.”

He doesn’t but we’ve had everyone pretend that they’re going to be reshooting a scene when in actual fact it’s going to be the grand reveal and filming was completely finished which he didn’t know just yet.

I’m no seamstress by any means so one of the lovely costume designers actually used a template and replicated his Hawaiian shirt using the actual one he wears walking into the bar (the one he is currently looking for) but making it a smaller scale and it honestly turned out so cute. I couldn’t wait to see his reaction, and I didn’t have to wait too long now.

The time was finally here, after I sent him off in search of a shirt I knew he wouldn’t be able to find I went the meet with the cast. I find them in the bar, cameras placed hidden in plain sight but only if you knew where to look. I wanted to capture this moment forever and Tom managed to pull some stings for it to happen. Not only was my name going to be in the credits but this video was going to play at the very end too, my nerves were increased to the max because I knew this could only be done in one take and there was no places for screw ups.

I’d asked Glen to send a message to Miles to ask him to join us for “filming” so he should be here any second.

“Hey everyone.” He says when he walks through the door, his face set in confusion as he does a double take at seeing all of the cast sat at the tables and bar stools around one side of the bar.

I clear my throat before standing up so he can see me more easily. His face lights up as he begins to head in my direction and I meet him half way, feeling everyone’s eyes on us as I prepare to tell him the news. I leave my hands behind my back so he can’t see the neatly wrapped package I have clenched in my fists.

“What’s going on sweetheart. Is everything okay (Y/N)?” The worry is easy to hear in his voice and he reaches his left hand up and holds my cheek, I lean into his touch hoping it’ll help me find some strength.

I breath in deeply and let out a loud sigh that comes out sounding shaky. “I’ve asked you and everyone here because there’s something I need to tell you. First I would like to say thank you to everyone for helping me make this happen, now that it’s suddenly here and we’ve come to an end of an incredible movie that I know people of all ages are going to love. Friends have been made for life and

He opens the present, pulling out the Hawaiian shirt and revealing the small rooster soft toy that has a tag around one of its foot that reads ‘Baby Teller’. I notice the moment he figures it out, my throat catching and unshed tears begin brewing in my eyes.

“Really?” The biggest smile stretches over his face.

I nod, calming my nerves down. “Yes, really.”

“So there wasn’t going to be any filming today?”

“No baby, we just said that to get you here.”

He begins to laugh, nearly manically, sounding relieved.

He must see the confusion on my face because he explains. “I was worried you were going to ask for a divorce. I thought I’d made a terrible mistake of asking you to help, that I was asking too much of you and not seeing you on and off set enough. You had me really worried sweetheart, please don’t do that again okay? I don’t think I could take it.” He says, pulling me in close. The feel of his warm, strong arms encasing me makes me feel protected and fortunate of having such an understanding and loving man in my life. I know our baby is going to be the luckiest little bean in the world.

“Never again baby I promise, I’m sorry for worrying you but I’m so happy the plan worked out perfectly.”

“Yeah, me too.” He pulls away and cups my cheeks in his hands, stroking my skin softly and staring deeply into my eyes locking me in place and unable to look away even though that’s the last thing I could want to do. He leans down and connects our lips in a soft caress that progressively gets more heated and I hear clapping and cheering surrounding us but doesn’t deter us at all.

Glen and Lewis begin singing the chorus to Great Balls of Fire, roping everybody else in, gradually getting louder. We break apart laughing and turn to everyone with their arms in the air. This wasn’t part of the plan but I’m glad it’s been included. I couldn’t wait to replay the video and watch this whole moment back and for everyone else to see it too.

After filming finished, the interviews and premiere’s began. I went to as many as I could during the early stages of pregnancy and even when my bump became more pronounced in the dresses I wore I tried to go to as many as I could before I had to stay home and not travel as my due date neared in the coming weeks.

Miles has been amazing all the way throughout and has gone to every appointment he could when he wasn’t stuck in doing interviews. I knew those times were hard for him but I made sure to relay everything that was said to me straight after.

I didn’t prepare myself for how protective Miles would become. After getting to the end of every month hinting at the arrival of the baby it became clear he didn’t want to leave my side.

At first I found it sweet and endearing but after so many months of this mother hen clucking around me it did become irritating rather quickly. I tried to say nothing in moments when the protectiveness hit its maximum limit because I know it’s just nerves and excitement all wrapped into one for our first child.

All of the premieres I did manage to go to when the camera men and interviewers were near they always asked to see baby bump and every time our photos were taken Miles was right by my side a hand on my back and the other protecting my bump rubbing it softly.

There was one photo that was my favourite of them all. We were having our photo taken, in that exact position and the baby kicked at the perfect moment, the image capturing him looking down at the bump with a toothy grin and me staring lovingly at him. A definite highlight of mine

“So what have you named him?”

We look at each other before turning our attention back to the phone screen, lots of faces staring back at us on FaceTime. “We’ve decided to call him Bradley.”

The answering chatter and cheer becomes a big jumble of noise that I can’t tell who’s saying what.

“That’s so sweet.”

“Such a good choice.”

“Oh I love it!”

“Bradley Teller? Has a good ring to it.”

“Glen is a much better choice but Bradley will do. It’s second best at most.”

We all laugh at Glen’s comment, he would ask me constantly if Glen was in the running of baby names after I chose to find out the baby’s sex.

We all stay silent after Bradley makes a noise of discontent after disturbing his peaceful sleep and hold our breathes until he lets out a little sigh before settling back down again against Miles’ bare chest beside me. Everyone coo’s upon hearing the soft sound out of his little mouth.

For me baby Teller was always going to be called one name and one name only.

Bradley Alexander Teller.

———————————————

A/N: I wasn’t going to include a middle name at first but then I thought Miles’ middle name would be perfect. I hope you all enjoyed it. Please let me know. Z❤️

#miles teller #miles teller x reader #bradley rooster bradshaw #top gun maverick #tom cruise #miles teller x wife!reader #miles teller x pregnant!reader #monica barbaro #glen powell #lewis pullman #masterlist

[noodlesha]

Sex Education: Season 4 (2023) – Just some thoughts.

Over a span of four days, my housemates and I sat down to watch the final season of sex education; the show had started in 2019 (which feels like a lie, but we move I guess) and was loved by the masses. People really resonated with it as they showcased people dealing with all sorts of different complexities and natures and it was truly wonderful to see so many demographics being represented.

And while I know some of the criticism comes from the fact they favour representation over solid writing, I can understand that sometimes it’s just nice to be seen on a tv show with no ulterior motive and to be frank, this show has some great writing with certain characters. But like most TV shows, it didn’t mean it didn’t have its faults much like this season. But I think the best way to talk about this show is through its characters, which are the driving force of this TV show and it both benefits and fails from it.

The New Characters

When going into it, I was quite sceptical about the new characters, and coming out of it, I think I still am. I enjoyed the representation of ‘The Coven’ or whatever they were called, I think Aisha was written the best out of the three considering she had a broader storyline and I loved how they discussed accessibility for disabled people it was very refreshing. But coming out of the show, I don’t think I felt anything for these characters, and I found myself wishing they had Lily and Ola back.

O felt like a complete waste of a character – it felt like they made her very purposefully antagonistic, and yet when it came time to redeem her character it felt like a last-minute decision. I also think the way they handled her asexuality was very odd and felt quite forced at times, I remember during season one the writers seemed to be suggesting Otis was asexual but then didn’t push through to it, O just seemed like a rehash of that exact thing. There was clearly some stuff left out because O felt very antagonistic back at Otis, but Otis didn’t really do much towards their opposing sex clinics.

Adam (and Michael too)

This storyline became a favourite when the show ended and I didn’t think it would hit me as hard as it did. Adam’s character arc through the show has been very interesting to see, when looking back to last season I was never really a fan of Adam and Eric’s love story but that was the storyline that made me like Adam so I guess there was something to it. I also enjoyed that Adam didn’t go into sixth form and instead followed what his interests were, it’s quite cool to show there are different options rather than just sixth form, then university etc. But I loved the interesting parallels between the son and father, both were coming into their own person which was needed for both of them so they could accept one another and their heart-to-heart at the end was very sweet.

Jackson and Viv

I love the platonic bestie vibes this duo have, it’s so wholesome and I enjoy that the writers never compromised their friendship for a relationship because it’s something you don’t really see that often. I liked the storyline Jackson had surrounding the stigma of cancer in men, it was different and very unexpected but I liked that because it is scary and it weaved very well into his intrigue with his identity. One thing I was a bit confused about was Jackson’s journey with his sexuality; I feel like they slightly breached the topic but there was no clear closure for that storyline which was a big part of his character arc last season, but perhaps I missed something. With Viv, her storyline also quite surprised me; I truly didn’t expect her romance with Beau to take an abusive turn – but in retrospect it’s very interesting to see all the qualities of possessiveness and obsession that Beau had throughout the season. But either way I liked the resolutions in their ending (also loved that Aimee and Viv kind of became a duo), and I’m sad to let them go.

Ruby

One thing I really didn’t like this season was Ruby’s storyline; it was just her pining over Otis again and Otis not giving her an inch despite using her to help his campaign. It felt very backwards to me, especially seeing as Otis didn’t even thank her (more on that later because I have so much more to say on Otis); although she found her own confidence at the end and didn’t dance with him, I honestly would’ve preferred if they were just friends, but I can understand the need to have tension and drama to make things more interesting, but I was just left wanting a bit more with her character rather than her problems being purely surface.

Jean (and her sister… and her baby)

I will be honest, it was very odd to see Jean without Jakob (or Sven as my housemates and I referred to him), but truly I kind of didn’t miss him because they introduced a much more compelling duo with her younger sister. Jean’s storyline was quite interesting; to see a woman struggle with post-partum depression on-screen and not be villainised for it was very refreshing and I thought linking it with her fear of being like her own mother was very good. Her sister’s storyline was also very interesting, I liked how different they were and also that they had a very natural sisterly bond, which is something you don’t see among older women anymore in media.

Cal

I really enjoyed that we got more of a look into Cal's life because that was one reason I didn't really connect with Cal last season was because we didn't get a sense of who they are. But this was majorly broached in this season and I was glad because I really enjoyed their character. Their story was wholly centered around their identity and I thought it was very heartwarming that the school charity came together for their top surgery. Two things that I struggled with though were the fact that their attempt to take their own life was very much brushed over and the fact that their and Jackson's storylines didn't really get completed either. But overall, I really enjoyed their character.

Eric

Honestly, he and Aimee are the best characters on this show, and you can’t even change my mind. One thing I was very glad for was that they tabled the whole Eric and Adam relationship and that they recognised that someone shouldn’t be in a relationship with their bully (and because Eric can do so much better, and I say that while loving Adam as a character too). Something that surprised me but in a good way was his relationship with his religion, it’s so interesting to see because you don’t see a lot of this, especially nowadays. And it was nice to see him flourish with friends that understand him and his views on things (OTHER THAN OTIS WHO DOESN’T CARE), and his turmoil of wanting to be baptised but then realising he doesn’t need that to reaffirm his relationship with God. And Ncuti is just SO funny and charming as Eric, he’s going to be a star one day (especially since he’s been in Barbie and Doctor Who) and I genuinely can’t wait to see it.

Aimee and Issac (but mostly Aimee)

Oh god where do I start, Aimee Gibbs is genuinely one of the best TV show characters ever; she is so likable and the journey her character has gone through is amazing. When the show opens with her documenting her recovery, I was immediately struck that she was going to have a fabulous ending to her story. I loved that she was trying different things like art to express her trauma and seeing her have fun with it was just so, so human and I love when media replicates that side of humanity. One thing that was a pleasant surprise was Issac and Aimee’s relationship; now this may be a controversial take, but I was never really an Issac hater… I know, how insane. So, seeing him get fleshed out more and more was really moving; their relationship was something very different and also made so much sense. I wouldn’t have put them together, but the actors had a lot of chemistry and I enjoyed that they uplifted one another but never crossed any barriers of their own agency.

Maeve

Maeve is a very interesting character; now for another controversial take, I was never a big fan of Maeve, it’s nothing I could really pinpoint but she often seemed very abrasive. But on the flip side, I also respected that about her character, that the writers were never afraid to make her spunky and outspoken, and for her to not be punished for that either. Her storyline this season was great, it made me enjoy her character so much more than I thought I would; the way she acted around the death of her mother was so good and felt very real – and I loved how mature the ending of her, and Otis’ love story was as well. Again, I know some people may think differently but I’m glad they didn’t stay together because let’s be honest, the two wouldn’t last a week ESPECIALLY long distance. She got to focus on herself and her career in the end, which was something she wanted since the beginning of this show; and it was incredibly satisfying to see that on screen.

Otis Dickhead

My, my… you know for the literal LEAD of the show, you’d think they’d write a character that’s at the very least tolerable. Because oh my god, now I’ve never liked the way Otis’ character is written, but Jesus Christ I think we’ve hit an all-time low. One thing he does that drives me up the wall is that he never texted anyone back; like when Ruby kept asking him where he was, he didn’t even message or anything and that was before Maeve’s mum passed away, he is just so inept.

Also, the fact that he’s a so-called sex therapist yet he struggles to article his own problems with BASIC problem-solving skills actually amazes me – I admire the writers for being able to write someone SO thick in the head without going braindead themselves, I really do. Okay rant over – Otis’ storyline really felt like a backdrop to everything in the season, the only interesting thing was his and Maeve’s story and that wasn’t even his main dilemma on the season. Overall, his character is shit and I’m so glad I never have to see his face again (sorry Asa Butterfield, love you!).

#sex education #sex ed spoilers #sex ed s4 #sex ed netflix #otis milburn #aimee gibbs #sex education spoilers #maeve wiley #tv series #tv #tv shows #review #new releases #eric effiong #ncuti gatwa #asa butterfield #gillian anderson #jean milburn #emma mackey #adam groff #ruby matthews #mimi keene #connor swindells #jackson marchetti #kedar williams stirling #cal #dua saleh #viv #dan levy #television

[physicalturian]

[18+] Salvaged Love - Hanma Shuji x F!Reader - Part 2

[The plot of this work follows previous works in this series] [She/Her pronouns used for the reader, no physical description; Everyone +18] [Varied POV/chapter]

Words : 11 280

Playlist : link

Archiveofourown

Warnings : Reader-Insert // Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con // Canon-Typical Violence // Sexual Content // Graphic Description // Graphic Description of Corpses // Dubious Ethics // Explicit Language // Corruption // Mindbreak // Sex // Blood and Injury // Unprotected Sex // Cum play

---

Someone had broken in and was standing in the darkness of my living room. As stupid as it was, I smiled to myself, my heart racing from the adrenaline. From this all-too-familiar sensation of already knowing something was about to go down.

I had no idea why I was feeling this excited for it, but I made sure to tighten my bathrobe and gestured with my chin towards the shadow, “I don’t care who you are or what you want, get out.” Because being diplomatic meant giving them a chance, it meant being the bigger person.

“No, thank you.” The voice answered. 

That short reply was enough to fuel something in me that I tried hard to bury, so I repeated my offer, “Get. Out.”

This time they laughed, slumping on the armchair with a huff and too much ease, “Are you deaf, bitch? I said: no.” The reiteration was spoken in a lighter, more mocking tone. Leaning off the wall, I hummed and left the corridor that led to the open living room, stepping inside it delicately as I chuckled. This confidence of mine could be my end, but from the short assessment I had made, I could take them on, right?

You know jack shit about their physique, how the fuck would you know?

It’s my house, I have the advantage, I whispered before looking up and staring at where the form was, “You’re discrete, I’ll grant you that.”

“Oh nah, you’re just completely unaware and stupid. I made so much noise, it’s definitely on you.”

Without letting them continue, I gave a tight smile and breathed out through my teeth, “Fair is fair.” It’s not like I wasn’t used to being disrespected, but I was willing to accept it from the executives.

Lies. You’re lying to yourself. You hate it.

But this? From a complete stranger? A random member of Shibata? I let out a short laugh, “See, I’m frustrated–”

Once more, I was interrupted, “And I didn’t ask?” Another proof of disrespect, probably the last one that I could take tonight. And if that bastard thought I would just take it like a champ, then surprise would be that last thing they’d feel tonight.

Letting my head drop forward, I shrugged, “Alright then.” I looked up and bolted towards the intruder; whoever they were, I didn’t care because I was convinced it was a Shibata member and I needed them out of my place. Jumping over the couch, I was going to land right on top of the intruder when I was pushed away with force. From the little my hand touched them, I knew it was a man, but not as bulky as I’d expected—which only increased my odds of being able to take him down. Tumbling to the floor, I felt the foot of the lamp digging inside my back, hurting me and making me understand the weapon I had on hand.

With one sharp tug, I unplugged the lamp and twisted the cable around my hand before pulling once again to detach it from the metal. Looking up at the man, I threw the lamp his way; he dodged it barely, still getting hit by the heavy foot of it. “Are you insane? That’s fucking foul play!”

“Foul play?! You broke into my house!” I got to my feet and tried to use the cable like a whip to hit him, but he grabbed the end of it, while the other part remained wrapped around my hand. He pulled with force and as he did that, I attempted to hit him. He bent to avoid it and I quickly jumped on his back, grabbing the cable part he held so he wouldn’t let go as I wrapped it around his throat and tightened, “Piece of shit.” I spat, my own voice strained from all the strength I was putting trying to stay on his back. I hadn’t noticed he had managed to sneak his fingers in between the cable and his throat, which gave him the lever he needed to pull the wire and lift it above his head, making me fall on the ground.

He immediately straddled my lap and snatched the cable from my hands, wrapping it tightly around my wrists as he struggled to catch his breath, “You’re not as great at this as you think you are.”

I couldn’t help but let out a labored scoff, “Greatness isn’t what I’m looking for right now.” As much as I tried to keep the conversation going, to keep it lighthearted as if I had the upper hand, I started losing the sensation in my extremities. The man on top of me held my bound hands to my chest and leaned over. Before he could speak, I grinned, “Are we gonna kiss?” I whispered mockingly, “Cause I’m taken, I don’t think he’d like it.”

Blood.

I spat blood after he punched me with brute force and pressed the side of my head to the floor, “You’re insane.” He stated, helping me stand up as he did himself, the pull on my wrists making me believe for a few seconds that they would snap off if he kept at it any longer from how tight it was—but I grinned at him and quipped, “Now, that’s what I’m going for!” Just like that, I held the little I could reach of his forearms and put my entire weight on him as I balled up while holding on to him. He was fast to fall forward onto me, letting go of my hands at the same time.

Rolling away from him immediately, I used my teeth to undo the knot of the cable and freed my hands, clenching them repeatedly to get the blood flowing again.

The man slowly stood up, looking at me in disbelief, or was it disappointment?

Everyone is always disappointed.

I can’t satisfy anyone.

I smiled to myself.

“I’ve never really been one to live up to expectations, you know,” I slowly started, “but if I can make you happy and be fucking crazy then…” Looking to the side, I felt this electricity-like pulse inside me that sent me reeling. I lunged towards that fine item I knew would be just right to hurt him enough that he would be out cold, even for a bit. Or at least enough for me to truly get the upper hand. Once I had it in my hand, I faced the man and grinned with my tongue between my teeth, “Might as well!” And with that, my hand far above my head as it held the encased golf ball I’d got as a gift from Hanma, I sped to the man and smashed it in the side of his skull. The sharpness of the corners and the texture of the item gave the action its authenticity—the thudding sound from how full the encasing was and the constant splashing sound caused by the skin, split due to how knife-like the box felt.

It was swift, but oh so satisfying to have done it. 

The man was loud to grunt at the pain. After a moment, his hand flew to his head, his eyes wide in horror as they closed slowly with each blink, his balance failing him when his legs finally gave up and I watched his body fall back. Tossing the item on his chest, I stepped back and knelt beside him, grabbing his chin to make him face me, “Get out now. You lost.”

His eyes didn’t meet mine.

I huffed a laugh, “Don’t play dead, that couldn’t have killed you.” 

Are you trying to convince yourself?

“He isn’t dead, he is trying to get me—actually, I should step away.” I stated, not even trying to find where Rai was right now. I did not follow my own words, instead, my knees fell properly to the ground as I leaned over his body at a better angle, to wave my hand in front of his eyes, “Hey! Get the fuck up and leave!” The words ripped from my throat.

Look closer.

I didn’t face her, but I let my eyes wander from his face and noticed how bloody his face was. How his skull was just not…

“Who—who did this?” I whispered. 

“What happened to his head?!” I quickly grabbed the back of his head and helped him sit, he was heavy, too heavy. I struggled and my hands were dripping with blood. But not just blood. There was something sticky with it, something I had never felt before. I knew I shouldn’t have glanced, but slowly, I brought my hand closer to my face and took a closer look to what was falling out the back of his head. My eyes widened in horror as I dropped him entirely on the ground and struggled to get to my feet, wiping my hands on my clothes as I stepped back further and further away from him.

Looking down at my hands, they were shaking—I was shaking, the whole world around me was shaking, something was happening but I didn’t know what. I couldn’t stay put. I couldn’t stand up. When I started losing my balance, I gripped the counter in the kitchen and covered my mouth to attempt to calm my breathing, the sole action worsening my state when I inhaled the stench that stained my hand.

Closing my eyes for a second, I felt my stomach churn and tilted my head back to avoid letting it all out. This was disgusting, this was worse than anything I had ever done. Had I done this? I don’t recall doing it, I barely recalled arriving in the living room and seeing the shadow. Now here I was with his brain matter on my hands.

I gagged at the thought of that word.

Brain matter.

Act fast now, don’t you see it?

I looked up suddenly, trying to find what she meant by that and panickedly glanced around, my breath nowhere near regaining a normal pace. Holding tight on the handles of the cupboard, I helped myself up and dawdled around the room to find what she’d meant—I made sure to avoid seeing the body, but some part of me had to look.

Dead fish.

Forcing my head away, I suddenly saw what Rai had meant. Slowly, my eyes looked up at my forehead in the reflection of the window and saw a little red light. I immediately fell to the ground and rolled behind the couch, “Shit shit shit, what kind of shit is that?!”

Deaf gunshot. Almost soundless.

It did not echo like it usually would, this one had a silencer. The window was barely cracked from the well-aimed bullet that landed in the wall in front of me. Instead of trying to have a look at where the shooter was, I stayed put for a moment. Once I was sure everything had calmed down, I crawled in the darkness back to the bedroom and pressed my back against the wall. It was hard to reach for my phone on the nightstand, but when my fingers touched the screen, I pulled it to my lap and pressed Hanma’s contact.

The ringing kept me on edge, I was scared he wouldn’t answer the call, but that worry disappeared when the click on the other side signaled he had picked up.

“It better be urgent, babe. I told you I was busy.” He smiled on his end. Taking a deep breath, I needed to calm down if I wanted him to believe me. With one final intake, I stated, “Someone broke in—there is a sniper somewhere, they shot and–”

“I already told you, there are tons of gunshots in the streets, do you know how many gangs are tryna climb up the ranks out there? It’s not about you, doll.”

I wanted to yell at him, to tell him off, but instead I nodded and held back tears of frustration, “Shuji, I’m not crazy—come home now, someone broke in!” I half-whispered, half-yelled. I knew I could make him change his mind, he was just being rational.

But he had to dismiss my panic. With that tone. “Then be good and take care of it.”

“I did! There is blood all over, there is… there… and the bullet hole in the wall–” I couldn’t find my words, I was struggling. I was already picturing the dead body outside this very room that had ended up there because of me. The butchery scene out there had happened because of me. 

He sighed, “How messy is it?”

“Too messy—very messy, I don’t know how it happened, one second I was… I was seeing him and the other he was…” I took a deep breath, “Bashed in.” I whispered. His head was no longer shaped as it should have been, it looked like a deflated balloon and if the comparison sounded light, it was not supposed to be like that. The silence that settled in after those words made me think I’d made a bigger mistake than my overthinking brain already thought it was.

Hanma did not laugh. He did not mock me, nor did he take it like it was nothing, instead he sighed and weighed his words, “Guess it’s on me for never teaching you how to deal with shit like that.” He was more so pondering to himself than to me.

“Clearly you went fucking feral—bashing that bastard’s head in is overkill, but sure. Sure, why not.” He groaned. I heard his hand brushing over his face as he pulled the phone a bit further from it, another sigh escaping his lips before returning back to the call, “Clean up whatever you can, I’ll send someone over.”

Without missing a beat, I asked, “Can’t you come over?” It sounded desperate. “I need you.” I barely breathed above a whisper, my own body cowering on itself as I tried to make myself small. Trying hopelessly to not feel abandoned in this big apartment with my biggest fuckery yet. His sweet voice made me breathe out; I hadn’t even realized I was holding my breath trying to fight my tears, “You know I gotta finish this, babe. I’ll be there once it’s done.”

He was abandoning me.

Something clicked inside. I smiled to myself and leaned back properly before evening out my breath, “Yeah…” I said with a fake smile, my eyes lost on the wall in front of me as I lightened my tone, “Yeah, it’s okay. I’ll clean up and by the time you arrive, I’ll probably be done.” I chuckled, but he couldn’t see that my face did not match whatever he heard. He didn’t need to know that tears were running down my cheeks, that my body was shaking. He had a job to do, I had to be strong for him.

Just for him.

“There we go, that’s my girl.” His praises made my heart soar as much as it was sore from his absence at such a time. “Aight, if you’re all pretty when I get back, I might fuck you to sleep.” He whispered in such a promising tone that I would’ve gotten excited, had I not been fighting with myself not to fall in a darkness that was much louder than any voice raised at me. I stared straight ahead and teasingly said, “Then I might just put on the ugliest thing I have.”

He laughed, “Aren’t ya a fucking tease today? We’ll see if you keep up that act by the time I get home, huh?” I was glad when he hung up right after, it alleviated the pressure of needing to fake enthusiasm for him. He did not say goodbye, no ‘I love you’, nothing—because goodbyes weren’t necessary if we’d see each other soon and… he was never one for big words, he had always been a man of action.

But above anything, farewells and love were both promises that would turn into dust, should one bullet go astray.

For a short while, I did not move. I stared into nothingness, my eyes locked on the window ahead of me, at the open curtains that fortunately had no building in front of them, unlike those from the living room. 

But after all, what if there had been a building?

What if the shooter had moved?

What if he had shot that bullet right between my eyes?

It wouldn’t have been the solution, you know it.

“You really aren’t leaving me alone, are you?” I mumbled to Rai’s voice. 

That’s the perks of friendship! Do you know who else you can rely on other than me?

“I know… I just… maybe I’m being a bother by calling at this hour.”

But even as I said that, I pressed the name in my contacts. I barely had time to wait for the phone to ring when there was a voice on the other end, “Hello, hello!”

“Are you free tonight? I need someone, I don’t think I can be alone tonight—but please come alone.” If he had seen me begging for company, he’d have told me to get myself together, and he would be right. But he wasn’t here right now, I could do whatever I wanted. Or at least until the situation was fixed and I could get over it one way or another. And I would, I just needed a distraction for the rest of the night. “Of course, of course. You haven't moved out yet, right?”

I scoffed at the question and shook my head, “No, not yet. But that can happen very soon.”

Muffled sounds were heard on the other end, perhaps a coat being put on, keys jingled too, then I heard, “Coming right up, gimme like 15 minutes, see you!”

I did smile at those two last words for some reason, it was so stupid, so simple.

You’re ridiculous.

“I’m aware.”

And those fifteen minutes had somehow gone by in seconds all while being the longest of my life. I hadn’t budged from my spot at all, why would I? To tumble back in that room where a body lied still amidst broken furniture and holes in the wall from bullets aimed as a warning? Because I knew. I knew those had been warning shots, those had been their way of telling me that if I was alive right now, it was only thanks to them. It meant they had seen everything, that I was under scrutiny—if anything, they could still even be in that building, waiting for me to walk by, or anyone for that matter.

Anyone?

Anyone.

“Shit!” Hurrying to my feet, I splayed my hand on the wall for support after almost falling forward from how fast I had gotten up. It was somehow funny to think I had rushed to that very room I was avoiding, just out of care for the person coming in to support me. It contrasted with the lack of care I had upon putting myself on display in front of those wide windows while I dropped the curtains and drew them close. Once it was done, I was faced with the consequences of my actions again and turned my head to the side to not see it.

Nothing like them, you said.

“They’re worse. So yeah, I’m nothing like them.”

And yet she was right. I couldn’t think of anything worse than what I had just done. I hadn’t given the man the honor of my attention since I did that shit without even realizing it. I had lost myself, it was insane.

Two rapid knocks interrupted my self-pity, effectively catching my attention.

The moment I opened the door, I was engulfed in a tight, albeit weak hug that I returned instantly. A high quantity of perfume had been put on too, but it had grown on me. I had gotten familiar with it, so much so that I smiled at the strong smell. It was warm, welcoming, reassuring… “Don’t look behind me.” I whispered against the coat.

It earned me a chuckle, “Too late, but it’s alright. I can take it.”

Pulling back from the hug, I held her by the shoulders, “Shi, will you help me clean up?”

“Of course! I’m loving this new look on you,” She waved her hands in front of me as a way to put me on display. “It’s giving mental illness. I love it!” I let out a short laugh at her words. Even if she had started losing herself slightly, she also hadn’t changed one bit. While she had lost weight, one could not worry about it since she wore it with such confidence. But I knew it was nothing healthy, I somehow knew I was watching her downfall little by little. I was also more than aware I was to blame, but it was too late. It would have been hypocritical of me to tell her off now, after all this time both of us had spent in the heart of Bonten.

Rolling my eyes, I glanced down at my bathrobe and noticed how disheveled I looked with blood tainting it, but it was such a nice color…

I looked over Shiho in an exaggerated manner, meeting her eyes once more, “And you’re giving addicted, skinny bitch. I love it.”

She gasped audibly, a huge smile on her lips, both of us using humor to cope with the situation we had fallen into. Her eyes bright with mischievousness, she held back from laughing only a few seconds before bursting out in laughter, “Listen! It’s a funny joke, okay, but one of us is worse off than the other, and it’s not the one with clean clothes, yeah?” She then walked past me to go straight to the bedroom, “Plus, you don’t get to come for my clothes, I was dressed to go to sleep—no, actually, you should thank me for letting you see me in a nightgown!”

Ever the loudest. Maybe you should have killed her instead of me.

“You were a nuisance, I made the right choice.” I whispered.

Shiho turned to look at me with confusion before her expression turned into sadness as she furrowed her brows with worry, “Is she in the room with us?” She whispered, looking around.

As much as I knew this was a serious question, she had been trying to lighten the mood and the entire situation as much as she could. She was my anchor to reality, she was someone I could count on—if not, depend on—if I wanted to keep my sanity. “Usually when I’m not alone she’s not… she doesn’t come around?” It was strange, but part of me feared it was because I was slipping. As aware as I was that what I had done was bad, it was slowly growing to perhaps be the worst thing I had done so far.

So far, huh?

I winced and walked to the wardrobe, “But she’s gone, it’s alright. We should clean up before Shuji comes back.” Picking up my clothes, I noticed the blood under my nails and clicked my tongue against my lips, “Shit, I forgot to shower.”

“Oh yeah, what gave it away? The blood in your hair, or the stench, or…?”

I gave her a glance, she zipped her mouth shut before laughing once more—this time, it was followed by a coughing fit that stopped after half a minute. “Unless you’re too unwell to shower on your own, I say you go clean up. I’ll take care of the rest!” She said sweetly, both of us knowing better than to comment on her coughing.

Raising a brow, I smiled, “Or we could both clean up my mess and have a homoerotic shower together, blood and all.” I winked jokingly, pushing her back so we both stepped back inside the living room. She was chuckling all the way, gasping, “My biggest dream, how did you know? I’d die happy if I got to see you shower in blood!”

“Oh shut up.” I rolled my eyes.

“What? Is it too close to what Hanma tells you? I swear the man would get a boner if you killed someone in front of him or something.” She commented off-handedly, grabbing a plastic bag from the kitchen. Tilting my head back, I held back a grin that she immediately noticed, grabbing my shoulders with the bag still in her hands, “No way! No way, nuh huh, girl, what?!”

Grabbing her hands and unhooking them from my shoulders, I shrugged, “Listen, he does like seeing blood on me—but do you remember a year or two ago, we were at that bar for Halloween?” She nodded, so I continued, “There was a cop in the back alley, I covered for Shuji there and if he wasn’t like, on the run or something, he’d have fucked me then and there cause I was…” I trailed off, half a shrug as I thought back on that time that for some reason made me smile and made my heart ache at the same time. “I was already loyal to him, so… he was turned on for sure.”

She handed me a sponge along with the bucket she had filled while we discussed and put on the yellow latex gloves, “Ill, that’s so ill,” she quirked a brow comically, “So ill that it’s kinda hot, I know why you keep him around.” She nodded and nudged me as she walked past me. With Hanma’s job being one that required a lot of various skills, he owned a lot of cleaning supplies, so I put on one of the masks he had in the pantry to avoid the stench of fresh blood that leaked out from the dead body.

Kneeling by it with Shiho in front of me as she picked up the brain matter, after putting on my own pair of gloves, I lifted the head for her to pick up the bits that fell from it, “At least Ran isn’t on my ass anymore.”

“Yeah, but you both still fight, right?” It amazed me how casual she was as she tossed the pink and red tissue from the ground, uncaring of the blood that tainted her gloves or the feeling of it between her fingers. “I mean, that’s what I heard from Haru.” She shrugged, brushing some strands of hair out of her face with the back of her hands, but when it wasn’t enough, she didn’t care and tucked them back, blood adorning the shell of her ear as she did so.

Closing my eyes for a second as I looked aside, I hummed, “Tried to clear things up with him, but he didn’t want to hear shit. But you know what?” I asked, sighing as I took a deep breath before exhaling loudly, “If that’s what he wants, then I’ll do just that, you know? He wanna be immature, sure.”

“Exactly!” Shiho exclaimed, pointing her bloodied finger at me with a huge smile, “That’s the spirit! Snatch his dirty old wig from his balding scalp, we girls gotta play dirty.” Upon hearing her words, I almost fell forward from the laugh that escaped my lips before immediately leaning back when I came face to face with the dead man on the floor. My head followed my body as I tilted it back with a heavy sigh to hold back from throwing up.

A small, “Are you ok?” came from Shiho as she took my hand, leaving a red handprint on my glove. Turning my hand and squeezing hers back, I nodded with a small smile she couldn’t see behind my mask, “My dinner’s adventurous, it’s trying to escape.”

“That’s me when I see Koko’s fashion sense to be honest.”

Another laugh from me, she grinned, “Don’t get me wrong! He does have nice fits, okay? But a few days back, he came to Haru’s place, and… I cannot speak of the horrors…” She covered her mouth with the back of her glove dramatically, closing her eyes for a moment before turning to look at me with mischief, “Kidding, I can—so! He had these ugly white shoes that looked like some Versailles shit, you know?” 

“You know the man doesn’t do any dirty work from how he dresses.” I commented too, unable to hide my smile. Her gossiping, if not trash talking, helped me focus on something other than the man I had killed that now lied between us as we cleaned everything the best we could.

But how long will distractions last?

I turned around and looked over my shoulder where I had seemingly heard her. I was more than happy when I heard Shiho speak over whatever Rai was going to say, “Why would he do the dirty work when your man’s responsible for doing it?”

“Clearly he’s not doing it either.” I rolled my eyes after raising both my eyebrows and looking at the corpse in emphasis, helping Shiho fold the heavy man over himself as she grabbed another plastic bag and pointed at the legs, “Us girlies can’t always count on men to do shit for us. Plus, it’s a great bonding sesh, don’t you think?” She said lightly. As I lifted his feet, she slid them inside the plastic bag all the way up to his head. It was not big enough for all of him, so she grabbed another one.

It was still firm to the touch. There was still a bit of resistance as we folded him over, which made it all the more real that he had been up and about mere moments ago. “Okay, man’s got muscles, you should text Hanma that his people should bring tarp or something.” She got up and pushed a bit on his back to see if it would do anything but when it didn’t budge, she sighed loudly. “Anyway.” She emphasized each syllable, throwing a glance that settled on the bucket by my side.

“Peepaw’s outta the way, let’s clean up a bit.” 

As she lifted her nightgown a bit more to not dirty it, she reached for the sponge from the bucket, “Are you gonna gawk or are you gonna help?” She asked lightly, smiling at me sweetly to motivate me.

Standing up, I went to the kitchen for my phone, “I’ll text Hanma real quick, then I’ll scrub with you.” I told her. Once she started working on the already drying blood on the floor and carpet, I grabbed one of the syringes I had taken at the meeting and subtly dropped it in her bag that she’d left in the kitchen. Seeing the state she was in, while it looked rather good for two years of drug use, I did not want to be left defenseless if what I had seen in my dreams ever happened.

It was crazy to believe I was a seer or something close to that, but I would rather be safe than sorry for not being prepared should she ever take one too many.

Taking a long, deep breath, I walked back to her and knelt in front of her with a short smile before turning the sponge to the grippy side to scrub the carpet. “Thank you, again. I don’t know what I would do without you.” And I meant it more than simply regarding the situation I was in right now. What would I do if she was not my anchor to reality? What would I do if she was not here, believing me about going insane? What would I do if she did not lighten up the mood, joking about my hallucinations of Rai? “I’d be nothing without you Shi, I really mean it.”

“Oh, stop it, you’ll–” She sniffled, wiping a tear with her forearm, “You’re making me cry! Please don’t kill yourself cause you’re scaring me.”

Pushing her shoulder, I shook my head, “I’m not dying anytime soon, I just thought I should tell you how much you mean to me because you deserve to know.” I met her eyes and saw how nostalgic they were—no, nostalgic was not the word, they were reminiscing of something, they were melancholic. I needed her to tell me she was not dying either, but she nudged me back, “Good, cause if you die, I die, okay? There is no way I’m staying in this organization without my girl.” As if she had seen the light, she grabbed my shoulders, effectively staining them with a mix of blood and soapy water, “What if we eloped?” She whispered under her breath, excited.

“What’s stopping us? We could—we could go to any country we want! Thanks to Haru, I know people!” But those people would never help us; whatever we asked, they’d tell on us. They would report all of our actions to Sanzu, to the other executives, to anyone they were in contact with. There was no way out, really, but we both knew that. It was not a real escape plan, it was a daydream, a utopic outcome that we could never attain. We both were aware of our situation.

I smiled.

“We’d have to change names, what would you go for?” I asked, thinking of mine as well.

She thought for a second, “Something badass…” A few more seconds, “Oh, oh! Anne Bonny and Mary Read.” She smirked.

Raising both my brows, I couldn’t help the growing smile, “Lesbian pirates, I see where you’re going. We’d have to go somewhere they’re not that well-versed in history to catch us…”

“The United States, for sure.”

I gasped in silence before laughing loudly, “Girl.”

“I’m only stating facts, anyway—I had an important question that’s been in the back of my mind for a few days now.” Suddenly the air was heavier as I paused my scrubbing and gave her my full attention. She did the same and placed her hand on mine, breathing out my name and continuing, “Do you think…” Her face fell, looking down, “Ran has an Instagram account?”

My mouth fell open.

“I’m this close to making you end up like this man on my floor—don’t ever scare me like that!” I gasped, resuming my intense scrubbing while she laughed, adding that she was, actually, very serious. She even asked what type of poster he was, which she immediately started brainstorming, “Cause what if he actually has like… fashion photoshoots and shit?”

“That’s Koko behaviour, he is the one with fashion sense isn’t he?” I inquired.

She winced audibly, theatrically, “I don’t know, Ran’s pretty keen on keeping his looks good, you know?” She said. This was something I could indeed agree on, the man was clean, he wasn’t dressed too shabby and that one time I invited him to my place in the haze of needing to prove myself, he had been very well dressed. Almost… handsomely so.

Shiho snapped her fingers as best as she could with her gloves, in front of me. “Hey there champ, you got your tall, crazy hot man to think of, not Ran-noying, okay?”

Raising a brow, I softly said, “Tall and hot? Do you have eyes for him or something?”

She raised both her hands defensively in a comical way, “Shit, bitch, sorry for perceiving him! A girl’s got eyes, you know? I can see the appeal, not that he’s my type.”

“No, you prefer them much more… How do I put it?” I pondered out loud, giving her the time she needed to interject.

She quipped, “Loyal, hotter, sweeter, with an aversion to hitting me, if possible.” She pursed her lips at the latter, giving me a once over as her smile grew.

“At least mine didn’t get me addicted to crack.” I muttered, giving her a side glance to tease her.

“It’s cocaine, good one at that, and much more! It was never just crack. Get your facts straight, at least something about you should be.”

With a theatrical ‘oh’, I bowed, “My apologies, let me correct myself—at least mine didn’t get me addicted to his very own products. Who knows, maybe he even lets you taste test each new one like a little lab rat!”

She stilled.

“He does, but it’s fun, okay?”

With wide eyes, I stared at her and implied this was insane only by widening my eyes a bit and looking aside. I then clicked my tongue against my teeth and grinned, “That blood is really, huh… it’s really in the fabric…”

She burst out laughing at that and dropped her sponge in the bucket, “You’re right, we should leave it. Let the pros do it, I am not going back to that ‘woman do the washing’ era. Come on!” She took my sponge and tossed it in the bucket as well before standing up and reaching out for my hands. I took hers and let her help me to my feet. We both tossed our gloves on the side of the bucket.

Leading me to the kitchen with her as she grabbed her bag, she then took us to the bedroom, “Get some clean clothes, you’ll shower at mine. I’ll wait in the hall, you have five minutes or I’ll come in and grab whatever—and I’m feeling slutty so I’ll take all the sluttiest clothes you have.” She emphasized the words threateningly, but all we did was chuckle at that. Nodding, I left her in the hallway at the door and quickly grabbed my phone, I had forgotten to text Hanma.

I knew it was bad to do so, but I decided against telling him I was going to Shiho. I wanted to see how he’d act, if he’d get worried about my disappearance. I simply texted him, ‘Need tarp, the furniture is too big for me to move on my own. I might ruin the floor’. I stared at the text for a second, did it make sense? Code-texting was hard, but as long as he knew he needed to bring tarp I didn’t care, so I sent it and immediately packed some clothes in a bag with my necessities.

Before opening the door again, I had this feeling inside my chest that sought attention. I pulled out my phone and stared at the conversation with Hanma once more, debating with myself if I should do it or not. Something clicked in my mind and I smirked, feeling some thrill as I typed down my message as fast as I sent it.

Won’t be home. Find me :)

A shiver ran through my body. It would piss him off, but I knew I’d enjoy the outcome. I wanted him to hunt me down because a sort of routine had set between us and that passion he had for me at the beginning seemed to be fading. It was my duty to spark it back, right?

“It’s been five minutes, guess I’m coming–”

Shiho was going to open the door when I did it for her, giving her a small smile, “I don’t even remember if you know how to drive.”

“Who cares? There’s Haru’s chauffeur, come on.” She said off-handedly.

For someone I knew was smart, I couldn’t believe she had done that. For that very reason, I stopped her in her steps and looked her dead in the eyes, “Shi… did you come here with Sanzu’s chauffeur?”

“How else, girl… at this hour I’m not driving, and it’s much smarter if they get a ticket than if I do just ‘cause I was in a hurry.” She then mumbled something about not wanting to pay a fine for something like this, saying that there would have been the possibility of them, the cops, asking why we were in a hurry and she couldn’t find herself lying to them. The chauffeur, however, could just say that she had asked them to hurry so then the cops could feign ignorance. 

There was the option of berating her, but where would that get us? They were here now, so the solution needed to be found with the chauffeur, not with her.

I got inside the car with Shiho and leaned over to the front seat, “What could make you keep your mouth shut and not report to Sanzu of her whereabouts?” Just as those words left my mouth, I felt Shiho’s hand on my shoulders as she pulled me back to my seat, “Why are you acting so weird? Who cares if he tells–”

“I care. I’m… Listen, I texted Hanma… and for some reason, I don’t want him to know where I am.”

Her eyes widened, “Are you finally running away?” She gasped jokingly before leaning to the driver’s seat like I had seconds before. “Pretty please, don’t tell anything to Haru! At least not until tomorrow morning, okay?” From her smile as she sat back, there seemed to be an understanding between them, but I did not truly trust anyone. He could very well be telling her he wouldn’t say shit then still do it, so I was on edge and glanced down at my phone to see if Hanma had answered. 

Nothing.

A hand snatched my phone from my hands, “Yeah, I’m taking that.” She shoved it in her bag and smiled sweetly at me, “No boys thoughts, only gossip and fun.” She demanded. I wanted to grab my phone again just in case Hanma tried to contact me, but it would go against my stupid action of telling him to find me. If I answered any of his texts or calls I knew I’d tell him, so it was for the best if I did not keep my phone on me.

“Only gossip and fun, yeah.” I chuckled under my breath, basking and enjoying this semblance of normalcy for the little it was going to last. She threaded her fingers with mine and held my hands enthusiastically, telling the chauffeur to drive back to Sanzu’s place. “Gossip first, there’s not much fun to have in a car.”

To that I huffed a laugh, “A lot of fun can be had in a car–” She covered my mouth instantly, shaking her head slowly as her voice lowered. “Sex in the car is outdated, it’s uncreative. If your next words are about that, I will throw you out of this car.” Her hands slowly left my mouth, freeing it, bringing my grin back as I held back from talking. I don’t remember telling her all that had happened, may it be the first night I encountered Hanma when he threatened me almost the same way she did right now. Nor about that night I was stripped off my drenched clothes after the cemetery from the pouring rain we’d stood under for hours.

She gave me a look, one that could not believe I was shutting up right now, then laughed under her breath, “That is the straightest shit you’ve ever done, keep it that way until we’ve arrived.” She said with a fake disgusted look thrown at me.

“I’m kidding, I’ve never fucked Hanma in a car, promised.” At least as far as I could recall, and my memory seemed more and more faulty recently. Perhaps it was not the best thing to rely on, yet here I was, using it as my sole defense. Shaking my head, I patted my bathrobe pockets trying to find my phone only for Shiho to tut me, “Damn girl, that needy for your man’s texts? Bit embarrassing–”

I sighed loudly, “Can people stop calling me embarrassing? It’s probably the third, or fourth time today.” I rolled my eyes, focusing on the road with the genuine frustration boiling inside me. Something nudged my side, with a slow turn of my head I could see Shiho almost leaning all the way across the seats to nudge me with her head, “Come on, there’s nothing wrong with being embarrassing! Be who you are girlie, live your truth.”

A breathy laugh escaped my lips in disbelief, “‘Oh no, bestie, you’re not embarrassing, who dared tell you that?’ is what you should have said, can’t even count on you.” I faked an eye roll, making her chuckle once more.

“Hey, I’m here to keep it real, yeah?” And she couldn’t be more right. I wasn’t sure she knew how close I was to letting go of whatever I was holding on to. Something remained that still made me feel torn between two things, but I didn’t know which. I simply felt constantly undecided. “Yeah yeah, keep that realness going and I’ll–”

She made a mocking face, “You’ll bash my head in? Nah, who else will help you clean up? But keep up the threats, one of them might work!” She then exclaimed that we had arrived and unbuckled her seatbelt, doing the same for mine before patting the back of the driver’s seat, “Mouth shut, right?” It was more cooing the man into submission than intimidation.

The man only met her gaze in the rearview mirror, but he did not reply. Could those people even interact with us? Or were they paid for their utter silence, no input, no thoughts, just driving. “I’ll take it as a yes, come on!” With my bag in hand, she got out of the car and held the door open for me to join her.

“You know the way, right?”

“Forgot which floor, but yeah, pretty snobbish place if you ask me.” I teased her, earning myself an outraged gasp from her as she slapped my arm. Wincing to myself, I pushed back and added, “Kidding, I’m just keeping it real, you know?”

“Oh, shut the fuck up.” She dragged the last word, her head tilted back in slight, but humorous annoyance. Of course, she led me up to Sanzu’s place. It was surprising to see how things had changed—there seemed to be less emptiness in the room, more personality, more green. Shiho probably had all to do with it, she was a plant lover and it added to the charm of the otherwise cold, white room. Surely the greenery would thrive in such a light and in her care.

Looking around, I quickly avoided staring at the display of different pills and substances, preferring to look at the clean kitchen that we walked by. “I don’t think you’ve ever seen my room, though,” She opened the door slightly, closing it immediately, “Close your eyes! I’ll clean up real quick, I want you to see how cute it is but it’s a mess right now.” She then slithered inside the room and closed the door behind her, barely leaving me any time to react. The sheer absence of her had me slowly falling back in that muffling feeling of being alone with myself.

Is that how you pretend to cope? Is this comfortable to you?

Closing my eyes, I did not want to see her, nor hear her. I started humming to myself. Forcing myself to think of anything but her, which would end up being harder than I’d imagined with her voice coming from me and nothing else. I could not deafen her. I could not tone her down.

One second and you’re back to being useless.

“I’m not useless just because you are here.”

But you’re unreliable. Who would trust someone that hears voices?

“Everyone has a conscience. I could say you’re just that, my conscience. Then I couldn’t be more normal.” I gritted through my teeth.

Conscience, guilt. Same thing, right?

“I regret nothing, I did what I had to do.” I whispered more aggressively, this time opening my eyes to see absolutely nothing. I looked around trying to find her, only to hear her behind me—I turned around and saw nothing once more. This time, I took a step away from the door and walked around the room to clear my mind, to no avail.

Regrets and guilt are very different concepts, should we find out?

The door opened wide, “Alright! We are ready to par-ty.” Shiho grabbed my hand and led me inside. The room looked very clean, except for the few items of clothing on the floor. The head of the bed was oriented towards the large window; as I entered, there was a large chest at the foot of the bed on which one could sit. On the left of the door was a wardrobe and on the wall, the entirety of it was covered in shelves with books, various trinkets and a few weapons. To the right, there was a screen behind which we could get changed and a door that led to the bathroom.

I followed her with each step, looking around at everything. Smiling to myself, I tried to joke to avoid thinking about Rai’s visit, “Had too much fun last night with Sanzu? Maybe some things were used, maybe they needed to be cleaned…” I trailed off, barely making Shiho laugh from how she was focused on something in the commode.

Waiting for her to bring her attention back to me, I was about to sit on the bed when she yelled my name suddenly, “You go shower right now, I’m not having your bloody clothes on my fresh sheets, understood?” She pointed to a door by the screen and shooed me to go there while she rummaged through her stuff. I tried to look at what she was doing, but was met with a glare from the woman who repeated her gesture of shooing me away.

Huffing, I grabbed my bag and went inside the bathroom, locking the door behind me as I dropped the item down on the white tiles. The sound of it hitting the floor was sharper than expected, instead of hearing the muffled sound of fabric, it sounded like something heavy was inside. With furrowed brows, I opened it and saw that Shiho had put my phone inside my own bag instead of hers—immediately, I grabbed my phone, noticing Hanma had replied to my message.

Just like those first days, there was this fear and excitement in my chest that I had missed so much. It was like finding myself again. 

H.: Don’t think I’m a headhunter or something

H.: Send me your location

H.: I’m not playing

But I was, I grinned at his texts and instead of replying with any sort of words, I placed the phone on the sink and dropped the bathrobe before taking a picture of my body. Fresh bruises and cuts adorned it amidst the scars of previous fights, some from him, some from strangers, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I made sure to keep the bathrobe hooked at my elbows while I showed off. The timer counted down, and once the picture was taken, I sent it to him. Nothing else.

My entire body was shaking with excitement as I dropped the phone and watched the screen light up with a call from him. My eyes remained on the screen for a moment before turning away from it and sliding inside the shower where the sound of the water was drowning all but the prickly noise of water droplets hitting the tiles over and over again like rocks on windows. Slowly, I straightened my head and watched the blood running down the drain, with intricate designs swirling within the water. It was fascinating.

Blood was fascinating.

Seeing how easy it was to get rid of while fresh, but so hard to get rid of once it had settled. Once it had dried. Once time had passed. The beautiful, bright and fresh color turned brown, almost black as time went on—almost like ink. Poems and texts talked about blood with such passion as it poured from open wounds, as it brought and took lives, but never sang its praises as time worked on it. No one described it as earthy and natural, as part of life once it was no longer fresh.

A beautiful thing in its prime, but whatever time touched, whatever time worsened, everyone would tend to lose interest in.

“That’s what’s happening with him… I’m boring to him… what if he tosses me aside?” I pondered out loud, finally turning off the water once I was clean. “I can’t have that, I have to stay by his side, to show Mikey I am allowed to stay in Bonten.”

“Bestie, you’ve been in there for a while, you have thirty seconds to open.” I heard Shiho speak from behind the locked door, mumbling that she shouldn’t have left the key in the lock if she had known I’d do that.

With a spring in my steps, I wrapped a towel around my form and opened the door, “I’m getting dressed, give me a moment.”

She pushed the door open and sat on the closed lid of the toilet, “It’s nothing I haven’t seen, I was warned you were a bit…” She made a face, “That you have some tendencies sometimes, so I’d rather stay here a bit—plus, I have more stuff to say.”

Turning my back to her, I shook my head with a short smile while I dried off my body and put on my underwear. Shiho started talking in the back, “Did you know that Rindou and Kakucho went to the gym together? I only found out ‘cause Rindou texted Haru one time to know if he wanted to come—and like, they send post workout pictures in their group chat.”

“That’s bad because?”

She gasped, “Which one? Which one of those two men could have you question this?”

Laughing, I put on a large shirt and shrugged, “Per principle, I gotta hate on the Haitani… but Kakucho is pretty muscly, and the scar has something, you know?”

She stood up and shook me by the shoulders, “Who are you and what have you done with my girl?!” She screamed dramatically. While she was joking, I couldn’t help but feel like I had messed up my usual persona and pushed her, “I’m kidding, I’m loyal to my man. Plus, who could ever stand Rindou? All the man ever does is reminisce about about his DJ days–”

Shiho interrupted me, “Yeah! As if anyone is stopping him? He could probably go back at any point, as long as he’s free whenever Mikey calls him.”

At the mention of his name, I stilled and straightened my back. “Come to think of it, what does Mikey do during his free time?”

I huffed a laugh while putting on my pyjama pants, “Does the man have any? I thought his agenda was crime, crime, murder, dinner, more crime. You know, cause… he doesn’t sleep and all that...” 

Shiho stood there, staring right at me with her mouth slightly open. Each of her blinks growing more and more meaningful to the silence that set between us. After what felt like ages, a smile grew on her face, “Girl, that was so fucking bad, oh my god. For the love of—oh, that was bad. Don’t…” She covered her mouth as she laughed, leading both of us outside the bathroom and to her bed. I nudged her, telling her to stop mocking me but she told me the joke I made was all she needed to know I needed to be bullied.

“And here I thought Takeomi was the worst at jokes…” She pondered out loud before suddenly chirping, “Oh, talking about that motherfucker, last week Sanzu and I went to his place, right?”

“Right…”

“And girl, girl–” She half covered her mouth theatrically, “The stench. The stench of that place, I don’t know how many packs he smells a day—I even got his girl on the side,” She mimicked telling a secret to me by placing the back of her hand like she was going to whisper something into my ear, “By that I mean the one he had on that day, you know, cause he changes them daily, at most weekly, yeah? And she told me it was disgusting to kiss him because of the taste of tobacco.” Then she fake-gagged, I couldn’t help the snort that escaped my mouth.

Both of us laughing, I slowly calmed down. “I had the same issue with Hanma, but at least he smokes like… I don’t know 3? 4 a day? It’s foul, yeah, so I just shove a gum in his mouth or something.”

“That doesn’t get rid of the smell on his clothes.” She argued.

“Hey, some cologne–”

“No cologne can erase the stink, your man is like Takeomi.”

I gasped, “Take that back.”

She smirked, “Never.”

Before I could fight her playfully, her phone rang. She immediately got up and picked up the call, it was brief to say the least. “Yes. Yes. Oki, love you.” was all she said, and it was enough to know she had talked to Sanzu.

Once she hung up, she joined me back in bed, this time under the covers, “Where were we? Ah, yes! I also heard Mochi might be divorcing his wife… It feels weird, you know? He has kids and all.” As she droned on telling me about the potential drama behind their divorce, for some reason, I did not care. Even with Takeomi, I had lost interest. I was usually so fond of gossip, so why was I so bored right now? Did I need something worse than divorce rumors? I was too lost in thoughts to listen to Shiho until I heard, “Dead body.”

That’s when I came back to reality. “Dead body?” I asked.

“Oh, bitch, you’re ill, that’s what it takes to get you back? Anyway—yeah, dead body, Kakucho was asked to get rid of one, even though it’s usually Hanma’s shizz, you know?” I nodded at her words, it was strange to not ask Hanma for it but perhaps he was already busy. He had been rather busy recently, he wouldn’t tell me what he was doing, but it had been taking a lot of his time. Getting more comfortable, I hummed to myself, “Is he any good at it?” I asked.

Shiho scoffed, “He’s more brawn than whatever Hanma is. Like he beats people up, intimidates, stands in corners to scare people off.”

“Yeah, he seems like the type…” I trailed off, picturing him doing whatever I had done so many times with Hanma. It did not suit him one bit, he did not have the appeal to be reliable on that field. “Bet he fucked up.” I commented.

She drawled a long ‘well’, “Let’s say Mikey’s not in the mood to delegate ever after that. He should stick to being muscular and scary.” She added under her breath that he wasn’t even that scary, but it was true that when people didn’t know him they would tend to focus on the scar and muscles—that was enough to give them a mental image of what he had done in life. Or to let them imagine all too many stupid things.

“If you think about it,” I started, seeing the swords hanging on the wall, “Kakucho and Sanzu are almost the same–”

Shiho sat up quickly, throwing her pillow at me, “Take that back! My man’s not as useless as Kakucho, Haru is super versatile in so much shit.” She then started counting on her fingers all the things he had done, meaning all the things she had assisted him with, “Drug dealing, people threatening, katana wielding?! Come on, that counts for something, and it’s hot. He’s also much more charismatic, and! And Mikey trusts him.”

“Yeah, doesn’t he trust Kakucho too? If we just think like that, he should trust all of his execs, nah?”

She stopped speaking and looked at the blanket. I could see just from that glance that she was holding back from spilling some important stuff. Stuff she wasn’t supposed to know that she probably learnt through Sanzu.

With a smile, I poked her hand, “He should trust all of his execs, correct?”

Her eyes met mine, pleading only slightly, “Come on, don’t make me spill–”

I raised both my hands defensively, “Alright, I won’t.”

“There’s a rumor of a mole in the higher-ranked members.” Her hands flew to her mouth, covering it in an attempt to take back whatever had been said. A genuine—or as genuine as I could muster—smile adorning my face now, I chuckled and told her I wouldn’t say anything. “We shouldn’t conspire…” I said, looking at the window, leaving behind a silence.

Then I heard her whisper, “We could theorize a bit though, right? A little thinking never killed nobody…” Our eyes met with mischief, both all too excited to gossip—although I only wanted to hear more of her information. She seemed to know a lot of things that, if they got in the wrong hands, it could help people have leverage over Bonten. Of course, not divorce gossip, but she must’ve known so much more rumors like the one about the mole, as someone so closely involved.

It was funny how life would come full circle. Should life, i.e. Mikey, feel humorous, I would be assigned to hunting said mole—but I would never be. It would require his trust, Mikey’s trust. It would require him relying on me, something he would never do, not in the state I was in.

Are you thinking of being Mikey’s bitch now? Little girl wants to prove herself by doing dirty work? I wonder who would be smart enough to hunt down a renegade…

Hanma.

He has been pretty busy, hasn’t he?

Shiho pondered out loud, “It couldn’t be the Haitanis, they thrive too much on their businesses. Haru is too… too…”

“Too in love with Mikey, you’re right.” 

She hit me.

Laughing shortly, I brought us back on the topic, “Maybe that’d give Takeomi a reason to turn on the organization? You know, big bro messed up his little brother and wants to ruin whatever—I don’t know where I am going with that, but it made sense in my head.” I finally breathed after my short ramble, leaving Shiho with a face deep in thought. For a moment, she seemed to be taking in consideration a lot of things, perhaps some I was unaware of.

She then shook her head, “No, no… he couldn’t, he’s too much of a follower, he’s a sheep.”

“Who knows, maybe it’s not an exec at all, could be any random member to be honest.” I shrugged, making her focus once more on her thoughts. For some ‘little theorizing’, she seemed to be almost ready to solve the problem; but as if something clicked in her head, she looked back at me and grinned, “But who cares, I’m not a detective, I am only here for tea.”

And as such, she cozied back in bed and smiled sweetly at me, “That’s why we have to talk about Mikey’s past, did you know he used to be in a gang against most of the execs? I think Haru was probably one of the original ones that stayed with him all throughout.” She said, rather proud of her lover for sticking through thick and thin with Mikey. Which only made it clear that Sanzu was one of the only ones who could never be a traitor, but anyone else could. Anyone who used to be against Mikey could turn on him at any point.

Or maybe before thinking of who could betray him, I should be thinking of why they were all here in Bonten in the first place. What was their reason for submitting to Mikey? How had they lost?

“Oh, I think maybe Hanma too joined the original gang at some point? I really don’t remember, it was such a long story that Takeomi told us one time when he was drunk—and girl, he is so bad at story-telling. He kept repeating himself, and fuck does he focus on the worst details!” She exclaimed the latter part with a heavy sigh. I let out a short laugh and commented that he was like an old man talking about the war and she nodded fervently at that. It felt like he was bragging about all he had done, but at some point, he was talking about everyone's accomplishments while never mentioning any of his. As if he had been set aside from there on out.

Sighing, she turned off the light and I could hear the sound of plastic and metal, from grabbing a medicine tablet in the darkness. I was glad Shiho couldn't see me, my broken face at the realization that she needed this even to sleep—this was no melatonin pill and we both knew it, but why comment. What good would it do? She hummed happily and bid me goodnight. Doing the same, I stared at the pitch black ceiling, not feeling one ounce of drowsiness in my body.

“Do you remember Aiko?” She murmured.

A weak smile drew on my face, “Yeah, haven’t talked to her in ages.”

“She dated the twinkiest man ever a few months ago, I thought she was a lesbian.” She explained sleepily.

Humming, I asked, “Girl’s bi, what can I say?”

“No, cause, he was ugly. Maybe she was punishing herself for letting go of her ex—it had to be a punishment, he was so crusty.”

This time, I let out a snort but did not add to it. Shiho did, “When Rai died… Aiko fell into a deep depression. Her ex couldn’t get her out of it, so she started clubbing and fucking around. Maybe that’s why she settled for the uggo…” With her face deeper in the pillows, she hummed to herself again, sighing melodiously while reaching for my hand to bring it to her chest as she hugged it, “I’m glad you didn’t kill yourself after fucking up, I didn’t want to be here alone… You do know I forgive you, right? For goofing up like that…” She spoke slower and slower, but it did not take away from the importance of her words.

The weight of them.

The impact they had on me.

Even if I couldn’t see her in the dark, I turned to face her, tears threatening to fall down my face, “What if I don’t deserve that forgiveness, Shi.” I breathed out, her hand tightening on mine, but she did not reply.

“What if I want to do more of that for them? What if I don’t want to repent?” I asked, voice shaky.

Please answer.

When she did not answer, my mind reminded me of my dream, that stupid, exhaustion-induced lucid dream of her death. Patting the bed, I placed my hand under her nose and felt her steady breathing, my heart calming slowly.

“You’re the only good person in this entire organization.” I’ve long since turned like them. I’ve long since lost myself in all my wrongs, unable to swim to the surface. 

“It’s like I’m stuck under frozen water,” I whispered to myself, “I can see what could be, but I can’t fucking get out. I can see you smiling at me through the ice, but there is no way to reach out.”

It’s tiring, it’s cold here and I don’t want to die. It’s so cold that I’m warming up to it. The depth of the water calls to me and the bottom of the pit feels like a comfortable bed to be on, because I can finally rest with all those who have fallen there.

Wiping my tears, I laid back in bed and squeezed her hand, “Thank you for everything, sleep tight.” I smiled, joining her in the world of Morpheus after an all too long tête-à-tête with my thoughts.

[Part 3]

#tokyorev #tokyorev x reader #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers x reader #hanma x reader #hanma #hanma shuji x reader #hanma shuji #physicalturian #physicalturian ao3 #ao3 #archiveofourown #writing #writings #deranged love #salvaged love

[varshnarsh]

tips to get through something scary?

i’ve adopted a few different ways of thinking as of recently; they come in the form of one-liners: we have not got long to love so why wait + we must keep going and heal despite it all.

when people encounter something that frightens them, the hypothalamus in your brain reacts by releasing a series of chemicals to the sympathetic nervous system and the adrenal-cortical system. in the sympathetic nervous system, signals are sent out to release stress hormones. the adrenal-cortical system is also secreting hormones to other parts of the body, which instigates changes in your heart rate, immune + digestive system, etc. these send your body into high gear, activating your fight vs flight vs freeze. here, your nervous system can either shut down or you can regulate it and let it come back to equilibrium.

in november, i experienced the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. since then, i’ve been dealing face to face with fear in several instances (though nothing has been worse than that specific instance) and have come to the conclusion that you will never escape fear of any degree. it’s not something to be conquered. you’ll be afraid of one thing, get through it, move on, heal, and then you’ll get this pitted feeling in your stomach and realize you’re now afraid of something else. you will first have to accept that you are not against fear; fear is just trying to protect you and keep you safe from previously triggered feelings. moving against the current pushes you back with more force right? so move with it. a few practices that help me:

in therapy, i have brain-spotting (a form of therapy) sessions that actively focus on the fight vs flight process and works backwards to reframe how you process it in the present moment rather than afterwords. it helps with decreasing the chances of me intellectualizing the fear and actually facing it.

which leads to, if i am scared, whatever i am doing, i do it scared. whether it takes baby steps or leaps, i will be scared and open to every possible outcome, because 1. i have faced what i believed to be the scariest thing and i am okay now 2. we have not got long to love, so let me love myself and my fear and continue despite. if i am not okay afterwards, i will receive myself with grace and care. there will be things happening all the time, so we must keep going.

set aside 15 minutes of your day, put a timer on your phone, call it your worry/fear period. write down all your worries, scribble, journal, brain dump. cry about your fears, feel it HEAVILY, for those 15 minutes. put on a sad song, put on a song that makes you scared or feel a lot, and let yourself feel as uncomfortable as humanly possible. when the timer ends, take a few deep breaths. reset. you're okay. you felt it. you didn't think about anything else, you didn't try and find a solution, you just sat there and felt it. wholly.

if it's something you can manage, call up a friend or someone you love and talk it through with them. keep them on the phone while you do the said scary thing. you don't have to be alone. we are built for community. allow that love. the water from these interactions that will fall into your soil will help your trees grow.

sink into nature. this sounds odd, but it's something that's helped me before. i will take a walk with my dog or work out or meditate outside. body movement increases brain-derived neurotrophic factors known as BDNF which enhances cognition by boosting a neuron’s ability to communicate with other neurons. it also stimulates the production of brain chemicals norepinephrine and dopamine, which energize and elevate mood and can help bring clarity. this isn't a end-all, be all solution but a clearer mood can help stabilize the anxiety that derives from fear.

#scattered thoughts but hopefully this helps u! #a

[butchbarbieagainstterfs]

ok, here we go: Breakfast Anons Experience in Radfem/Terf tumblr (long post) (tw terf/radfem ideology, transphobia, homophobia, sexism, mentions of rape/SA)

so, earlier this year, i got pulled into the terf/radfem side of tumblr and was active in it, on and off, for about 3-4 months. i dont remember how i got in but it was lilwly something inoffensive that most would agree is a fundamentally good and important perspective to have, like how damaging the porn industry can be, female genital mutilation and abortion rights. looking back, i think it was that unrestrained defense for women that made me start going through their blogs because of course i dont think women should be mistreated or abused simply because they are women. i was never able to be pretty and easily feminine like the girls i grew up around so seeing that comradery around women who felt like i did made me feel seen.

unknowingly, that arguement for women spiralled into men being the sole problem, then men being useless scum that only perpetuate the patriarchy and then it was "all men are monstrous, porn-addicted, misogynistic, rapists in waiting who will do whatever they can to belittle, abuse, use and destroy women whatever chance they get so they should be eradicated for the greater good".

the radfems, the small circlejerk group that they are, would all reblog from and follow one another, and when i eventually got convinced to join the circle by making a seperate account for my own blog (yeah it was that bad) i found myself seeing the same posts over and over from the same 30/40-odd blogs that all agreed with each other and said the same things. that blatant and unquestioned hatred for men is extremely central to their beliefs, which i understood because, even besides the radfem mindset, im generally uncomfortable around men too, and they gave tangible reasons why i should be.

near all of them are lesbians or febfems (female exclusive bisexual females) and being a lesbian myself, the idea of being with a man romantically or sexually repulsed me like it did them so i felt accepted, finally, for who i was. theyd post and repost articles upon articles of "men pretending to be women" who had been charged with assault or rape of children and women and female prison inmates; they'd post and repost pdfs of famed radfem theory by Adrienne Rich (?) and books like The Scum Manifesto which is essentially their "bible"; theyd explain and reexplain society, the patriarchy and the world according to their logic, and because of that, I didnt question their calls for womens seperatism, for women to only be in relationships with other women (romantically/sexually or platonically), for male babies to be aborted without second thought and for all men to be wiped out from existence entirely. and of course THAT spiralled into trans women also being a big problem.

they preached that men are rapists and abusers who get off to it, and trans women are also rapists and abusers who get off to it so much they need to "pretend to be women" or, even worse, "pretend to be lesbians" to force "actual lesbians who dont like dick" to sleep with them. but at the same time, they kept preaching that trans men and afab nonbinary people are lost, innocent, manipulated, self hating lesbian girls/women who couldnt deal with the internalised homophobia and internalised misogyny so mutilated themselves to pretend to be men. and the trans men who "called themselves gay" are homophobic straight girls who have an addiction to gay porn and want to force "actual gay men who dont like vaginas" to sleep with them. there were even some "tehms" or "trans exclusionary homosexual males" in the group but they were few and far between.

the ideology is a self consuming and never ending spiral of despair, hate and misery. and one thing i learned from it is it is so, so easy to hate.

while in it, as much as part of me felt understood and finally seen by other women who experienced certain things and had some of the same thoughta as i did, i also felt so grimy from all the hate and bitterness and cruelty i was reposting and eventually posting myself towards trans and nonbinary people. i would log out and go back to my normal inclusive blog and feel so much guilt and disgust, partly for thw reasons i mentioned but also because i knew i was attracted to trans women and nonbinary people (not that i ever made that clear), both things of which the terfs claimed made me actually bisexual "because trans women are actually men" when i know for a fact im not. im gay through and through.

i knew it was all wrong but they explained awat my guilt too, one of them told me the guilt was because id been brainwashed to blindly support "trans activism" so it will feel incongruent but what im doing is in fact the right thing. so i couldnt or didnt do anything. i felt part of a community that was actually fighting for something tangible, something rooted in apparent reality. i felt like what i was doing was important for society. i was speaking out for the rights of women. how could that bw wrong? it's wrong, but doing so at the expense of others is wrong

eventually, the guilt got to me more than that self-appointed importance did and i ended up deleting the account after it spiked my depression. i couldnt believe what id done, couldn't comprehend the hate id perpetuated and the people i may have hurt. i felt horrible being part of a movement that attacked innocent people who just wanted to live for the sole reason that the way they wanted to live was different from the assumed norm.

and then, by some magical move by Fate, i came across a recently published horror novel by a trans woman named Gretchen Felker-Martin called Manhunt, which is the story of two trans women, an indigenous trans man, nonbinary people, a black female doctor, and a terf who all have to live, fight and survive through a biological apocalypse where men and anyone with high testosterone become cannibalising monsters. and it literally changed and saved my life. i mean that with all seriousness.

now my favourite book of all time, it opened my eyes to so much internalised transphobia i didnt know i had, gave me actual pride about my gender and sexuality and, despite how brutal and painful the novel is (while i highly recommend the book SERIOUS tw for rape, intense transphobia and general crimes against trans people and people of colour), it gave me hope beyond anything id ever felt. i felt truly seen, understood, and loved as a trans and queer person, and a person of colour (i am black), by that novel and it was the key to me finally leaving the radfem/terf mindset and ideology behind. and while im still on a journey towards healing, i am now of a mindset and belief that is inclusive, kind, loving, exalting and full of love for the ENTIRE intersectionl lgbtqia+ community.

and, scene.

Thank you so much for sharing! I’m glad you were able to get out of that space ❤️

I feel you on the guilt element as well. I wasn’t ever a full blown TERF, always respected trans folk for who they are, but I was an ace exclusionist and a “queer is a slur!” person - both of which terfs are often involved in - for a while up until I saw the damage that was going on, stopped and reanalysed. Now I’m way happier and a better, more inclusive person ❤️

Thanks for the book rec as well! I’ll deffo have to look into that ❤️

#anti terf

[sophieswundergarten]

@nobody33333333, and, I guess, anyone else who's interested

Okay, so, I promised I'd do this and I've been feeling guilty about it ever since

HOWEVER

The issue is that my brain is telling me I need to do this, but also that I need to have the book right next to me so I can be as factually correct as possible

SO

In the interest of fulfilling my promise in a timely manner and also circumventing my OCD brain loop, I'm going to force myself to do this right here and now without fact checking! (Yay?)

Thus, without further ado, I present:

Sophie's Real Bad Summary of the rest of The Sofa Book!!

(There are gonna be mistakes, guys, it's been like two years since I read it last)

So, where we left off, River was talking to the sofa during a dream. He wakes up, and enters the house with Freak and Fiona.

They find a note directing them to a specific door (Bit of MBS out-of-the-box riddling there), and they find Alf!

He's dressed eccentrically on purpose to appear non-threatening to the kids (It doesn't work), and immediately accepts the sock and things back, but he gives the coin to Freak and domino to River.

He then snaps the crayon and explains that it was a decoy. (He has the real one safe) He created it because there are very few Zucchini crayons in the world, and there is a very specific person he's trying to find who wants the crayon. This person Alf is looking for is his father, Edward Disin! Disin tried to take over Indorsia and was executing people left and right, so an agent (Who was subsequently beheaded) infected him with a sort of "compulsive collecting disease", and Alf purposefully led him through a portal to earth carrying the last crayon necessary to complete his set: the Zucchini colour.

(Also, Disin owns the tech company, the food brand, and the chemical plant. He's very suspicious)

He explains that he wants the kids' help in capturing Disin because Indorsians live centuries and so they underestimate the children as inexperienced babies. Alf also explains that the sofa was originally part of a larger set of furniture that functioned as a kind of "brain" for this AI, which is known as Guernica.

This is because the AI speaks through a "painting" that's actually just a huge, framed computer screen. Part of the memory/brain was lost when the hassock (One of those footstool/container things) tragically died in a fire.

At any rate, Alf has to leave for a moment to battle some raccoons out of the kitchen with a tennis racket, and Guernica reveals that she's actually a lot more sentient than Alf knows. She explains that Alf is trying his best, but he's hiding things from the kids because he doesn't feel like telling them everything will help the already muddled situation . He also doesn't want to worry them.

Alf comes back and Guernica stops talking. Alf shows then satellite images or something he has of what appear to be dogs. They are not dogs. They are Disin's Very Sneaky Evil Henchmen (Sadly, they aren't really as funny as the Ten Men. And they're more likely to shoot people). They're called Doghats because they wear big hats that make them look like dogs to any overhead cameras, and they each have a code name of their corresponding dog breed.

Fiona is upset because a few dog hats are trying to break into her house, likely in an attempt to steal the crayon, and her little brother is home alone.

Alf has Guernica hack into Fiona's mom's computer and start playing the French(?) National anthem very loudly, which scares the Doghats away.

The kids then leave to try and decide what to do.

On their way, River stops to knock on a different door in a pattern revealed to him in the dream. It turns out to be a room full of pictures and odd notes and a suspect board. (Also the sofa! Freak refuses to believe it tessered but there it is) A lot of the pictures and notes are about them, which is concerning. We also learn here that Fiona is fully colorblind (achromatopsia), most likely because of Rodmore's chemical leaks or whatever.

The kids decide to climb a laundry shute/vent thing to see if they can eavesdrop on Alf in his study.

Through this they discover that the agent who infected Disin with the collectors disease was actually Alf's sister Miranda. Her mind has been saved in Guernica's computer system, but Alf is suggesting they let her take over Fiona's body so she can be human again. Miranda vehemently disagrees with this plan.

But, before the kids can hear anything else, they are chased out of the house by a maniacally laughing axe-weilding granny ghost.

The kids end up deciding to help Alf, and so they set about preparing Underhill house to be the place where a real live auction for the crayon will be held.

At some point, the sofa eats Fiona's phone and she gradually adjusts to not having it (In a slightly concerning manner implying she was addicted to just... having it on her at any given time), and she stops participating in the flash mobs.

The kids decide to sneak into Rodmore Chemical to see if they find any more clues.

This requires them to cross Hellsboro. After a few close calls nearly falling in the coal seam fire sinkholes (Which, apparently is something Freak risks all the time), they reach the building.

There, they explore and find some weird tech and a huge crystalline ice wall thing. As they are investigating a conference room, they hear Doghats coming, so they hide in the hazmat suits hanging from the wall.

Several Doghats enter, and start a video meeting with an angry man who's avatar is a dog that quickly morphs into a wolf as he berates his agents for failing. He them releases this specifically rutabaga colour gas that wipes their minds and leaves their bodies free for him to download more henchmen into. (Concerning)

The wolf man then reveals he knew the kids where there all along, and tries to trick them into taking off the hazmat suits. Luckily, they don't, and Fiona notes that the man must be far away because there's a delay in his response to them, due to the signal having to bounce off a satellite.

Wolf man threatens them, and the kids try to escape as more Doghats show up. This situation climaxes in them being on top of the building, needing to cross a very thin wire to another building's roof so they can escape. This is an issue not for all the obvious reasons, but also because a strong wind is going to blow through in a few minutes and if and of the kids are still on the wire it'll snap.

Freak makes it across alright, but Fiona is so petrified River has to help/carry her. At this point, the domino in River's pocket reveals itself to be another part of Guernica. It starts speaking and trying to help, but is quickly taken over by Alf's sister Miranda.

Miranda tells Fiona the whole story of how her father is an evil tyrant and why it's so important they stop him, and this keeps Fiona from flailing long enough for River to get them to safety. The kids return to their neighborhood and being questioning the domino, but because of an incident at the chemical plant with a mouse, Fiona's little brother's cat, Mucus ("Mew-Kiss"), steals the domino and runs off with it.

They also learn somewhere during this that the flash mobs are practice runs on the mind control being implanted by the food and phones and such distributed by Disin Corp. This is going to be used to enslave humanity for Disin's shipyards one he opens a portal to Indorsia that will let all of his military forces through.

At any rate, the kids finish setting up the house for the auction and Alf has purchased two hot air balloons (I did check my book here, but just for you, Bods). One is a replica of the "STATE FAIR OMAHA" balloon from The Wizard of Oz, and the other is a giant toilet. These are set up around the house as an attempt to keep Disin from escaping via helicopter.

The auction begins, and Alf has some government agents there to help aprehend the bad guys. The kids are outfitted as waiters, and they have serving trays with DNA identification built in so they'll light up in reaction to Disin. The auction continues with no sign of Disin, but when someone wins and it's time to hand off the crayon one of the government agents reveals himself to be Disin!! Gasp

Disin grabs the crayon and also Fiona as a hostage and takes off in the Omaha balloon. Freak and River chase after him in the toilet balloon. Now, the issue with all of this (Besides the obvious) is that Disin also stole the remote that can drop the bottoms of both balloon baskets.

While they manage to avoid dying by that, they do kind of set the balloon on fire.

They chase Disin to the Rodmore Chemical building, where they find that the ice wall is actually a portal, and there is a big net preparing to catch all the tanks and things Disin is commanding to Earth.

Also, at this point, River dies

The Doghats have these... water guns, filled with the lethal liquid "Hista mime". If it gets on you, you suffocate silently, believing you're trapped in a glass box.

This has not a lot to do with how River dies. I just forgot to say earlier and thought that the interjection helped replicate the way the story is told in book format.

Anyway, Disin has River killed by gassing him with that rutabaga stuff so they can download Greeves Stainer, notorious Indorsian assassin into his body.

The next chapter is a bit of an aside where River complains about books where the narrating character dies and has a dream-world picnic with his parents. (Who are dead. Did I mention that? It's taking a lot of brainpower to make this post without checking the book every five seconds. At any rate, River's parents are dead because they were in a car crash orchestrated by Disin because they found out about his evilness and were going to report him. River was also in the car (He was a small child at the time), but survived with only minimal damage to one leg, causing it to be slightly shorter than the other and giving him a limp)

BUT

Alf has a cloning pod in his basement. It uses the DNA that the sofa harvested when he stabbed himself on that fishhook at the beginning of this mess to clone him because he was designated the most mathematically like to die. This body does not have a limp.

River creates a quick make-shift poncho out of a garbage bag and races back to Rodmore. There, he finds the newly downloaded Stainer in his (River's) old body. He brains the guy with a chair and steals his(?) clothes back, then heads out and pretends to be Stainer.

Climax of dramatic threats, yada yada, Disin and one of his guys fall over the railing, and as the Indorsian tanks and things start to come through Freak drops the double-headed coin because, apparently, being double headed makes it a bomb. River reveals his identity as not an assassin, and the kids tighten the safety net thing so much it rubber bands the invading forces right back through the portal before it closes up.

Disin has disappeared, as does the mostly amnesiac and definitely brain damaged Stainer, and the kids head back with Alf.

Also! Freaks dad (Who was previously hinted at the be an alcoholic and possibly a worse father than Show Curtain (It's mostly "off screen")) comes over sobbing and saying that while a social worker visited that afternoon and told him to get his act together, what really motivated him was the sign he saw later that afternoon for where his life was headed if he didn't change some stuff sharpish: A giant fiery toilet in the sky. Also, Mucus gives the Guernica domino back

OKAY

I MAY (Read: "Absolutely") GOTTEN THE TIMELINE WRONG, BUT HERE WE ARE

(Also, they couldn't just clone Miranda a new body because the only remaining piece of her DNA was in Indorsia. I felt that was important to add)

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME IF I'VE GOT STUFF WRONG

THIS ACCOUNT HAS TAKEN ME HOURS TO WRITE OUT. BUT REALLY WANTED TO FOLLOW THROUGH.

ALSO MY BRAIN IS VERY TIRED FROM FIGHTING THE BRAIN WORMS, GOODNIGHT FOLKS!

#What we found in the sofa and how it saved the world

[alitgblog]

OK got around to new episodes finally so volume viii thoughts:

i guess starting with, has casa always been this long??? maybe I'm just bored this time around? Or it's just the amount of challenges and dates they've thrown in?? (it's the latter)

I tapped through the whole moangate thing as quickly as I could because it's so boring. I can't believe there are at least two separate times they ask you to pay gems if you want the tea on the topic and I simply couldn't care less. But like it also feels like the Brad and Christy stuff and then also the Rachel stuff and the OGs love triangle or whatever, and at least some of it gives you insight on the characters, but it never really comes up and there's enough in the main story to come up with your opinions on the characters imo.

Emel getting on my nerves again. Talked about this last time, it feels odd and I don't love having every woman that's not an LI be an enemy for MC and also stuck in a shitty couple, but not completely out of character given her personality I guess, so not the worse thing fusebox has done. However, I am slowly coming around on this because actually it does feel like such a thing on love island where you watch a character you like and slowly you get annoyed by them and they do weird shit that makes you mad but it's partly because they're forced to be around these people 24/7 with cameras watching and everything. Like that's the Stanford Prison Experiment part of Love Island, so like... I'll accept it 😂😂

Anyway so dates! My MC was with Shawn who I got kind of sick of during the date, which was so funny for me personally because his hobbies are like movies and cooking, which are my hobbies. He's also very chill and serious, which is also my personality. And he's from the U.S. So. Maybe he's too much like me irl I wasn't about it.

So the date was meh because I just kept having MC pick the non flirty options and she was kind of cold, but from what I see from everyone else, the date was pretty good and I'm glad. It is weird though that at the end of it, MC gets the option to say she's not interested, and Shawn keeps trying to save it. Like the islanders talk about their dates afterward and he says their date was great and can't wait to see where they'll go moving forward. And MC is just nonplussed when Emel starts gushing about him and he's uncomfortable, trying to stay on MC's radar, but my MC couldn't give a shit.

And I understand it's to make the branching easier, but I just keep thinking like,,, if only it was S2, because then it'd be like the Lottie going after Gary storyline. Like I can't remember fully, but in my head it plays out slightly differently whether MC is flirting with Gary or not. Either way, Lottie is a little upset at MC, but sometimes she has reason to be.

Date with CLAUDIA however, went very well. I was giggling to myself because like the conversation was very forward and cute and Claudia is thinking about them moving in together and stuff? Adorable. (Actually I can't remember if this was in this date or one of the other scenes, but the fact that there's so many scenes with the female LIs being so forward is great).

Also the Bea and Claudia tension?? Like I feel like we either get one female LI or the female LIs constantly swapping out once you pick one, so the fact that they're both fighting over MC is very cool. I love a good love triangle. And it does make me want to replay with a Bea route, because I think she's so cute too. Both her sprite and her personality, and she does feel like a different character from Claudia, versus Chloe vs Bella vs Flo that all kind of have similar plotlines and therefore have a similar shell of a personality.

Speaking of Bea appreciation: her outfits! So cute. I know she's a stylist, so of course, but honestly best dressed female islander.

Actually, all the casa guys and bombshells kinda eat up the OGs in the fashion department. (except maybe Tyler, but that's only because I don't remember what he wears.) Like, Luna and Oakley are probably best dressed OGs imo, but I also kind of don't like that they wear such dark clothing in a show that takes place in the SUMMER. Like it's an aesthetic, but also it's not that interesting (like compare their fits to Najuma's)

I've already talked about this, but once again, it does feel like we're fitting so many challenges and dates in one volume and we get no chance to rest. Like there should be more downtime to chat with the islanders, but they always need to get interrupted by a challenge text for some reason. Not to mention, Mr. and Mrs. is such an odd choice for a casa challenge? Like if you think about the show, casa challenges usually compete with the other villa and are more physical so that editing the episode can be less talking and more montages. And also then you get the comparison between how couples are acting apart from each other. (which, is also a thing missing from this volume.) So Mr. and Mrs. would be just edited as a lot of people talking and too many stories to follow.

On the bright side, I completely forgot what career I chose for my MC and I was trying to think about it for the last few episodes because I like to let that affect the personality/choices she's gonna make when I play the game. And as it turns out, my MC is a musician and that made me immediately think, oh she should've been more interested in Max, but for some reason I thought she was a lawyer. Doesn't matter now.

Also fun fact my MC likes r&b and so does Claudia so ya know, just soulmate things whatever 😁

So Liam's a dick, that's not new. But I will say, I like the way they presented his faults here. Because Dylan was so clearly a villain from the get go, and then Hamish is arrogant at first but then cartoonishly gross and awful within like two episodes, and everyone got upset about the Nicolas/Jonny 180s, so the bar was low. But Liam starts off arrogant, but confident he wants Bea, and he claims to be one of those people that just always tells it like it is as an excuse to be an asshole. And you really start to feel it here. Not only that, but he doesn't listen to Bea and I think it wouldn't work if Bea just accepted it but she doesn't take his shit. ("I have a nice voice too, you should listen to it some time." BEA OMG). Then later in the volume, there are game player accusations thrown out, and that makes perfect sense to me, he's just trying to tell her the right things so he can get in the villa.

Just to talk about Bea again, but like oh it hurts me so much when Bea is like "I have to couple with someone, why not Liam?" and that breaks my heart. I want to do the Bea route just to save her from Liam. And i know she's talking about the weird thing litg is doing again where they can't just let the single islanders be single, but in my head it's her just being like "no one else wants me" and settling for this dude 😭😭

I also don't understand how this game led to a date that Emel got to pick? (also the prize doesn't make a bunch of sense since we just got dates.) Like if she won with Max, you'd think she would just go on an extra date with Max or Max would also get to pick someone to go on a date with (and he'd pick MC because he's upset and I like to be messy but like maybe you could also reject and he'd pick Bea/Claudia).

i have so many thoughts this needs a part two (not so many thoughts as much as I don't know how to be concise 😅😂)

#long one bc i'm typing on my computer instead of on my phone lol #rambling #litg s8 #litg #if anyone's keeping track: i have made no progress on that paint by numbers but was late to play the episodes anyway lmaoo

[cosmicjoke]

Oh, Armand is a crazy bastard, lol.  That scene when he rips that guy’s scalp off, holllly, haha.  Don’t mess with this dude.

Okay, but, just the first chapter in to “The Vampire Armand”, but already, I’m really loving it, and particularly I find the stark difference between Armand and Lestat super fascinating.  These two are like polar opposites to one another, which I already knew, but seeing the tonal difference in their respective narratives drives it home all the more.

Lestat very much comes across as an at times overactive child, lol.  He’s very energetic and hyper and make big, grand and emotional declarations.  And Armand is so different.  There’s a very somber, reserved and isolated feel to his narrative thus far, and also what strikes me is how almost fragmented and wandering his thoughts are.  He jumps from thought to thought and feeling to feeling from one instant to the next.  With Armand, there’s very much a sense of a lack of foundation in who he is, or what he’s supposed to be, and your heart has to break for him on that count alone. 

Like this part, when he’s talking to David (who, I’m starting to see why people find this dude so annoying, like, bro, leave Armand alone!)

Armand is annoyed at David’s intrusion, and he goes on a bit of a tangent about him

“A handsome gent,” I went on, “the color of caramel, moving with such catlike ease and gilded glances that he makes me think of all things once delectable, and now a potpourri of scent: cinnamon, clove, mild peppers and other spices golden, brown or red, whose fragrances can spike my brain and plunge me into erotic yearnings that live now, more than ever, to play themselves out.  His skin must smell like cashew nuts and thick almond creams.  It does.”

He laughed.  “I get your point.”

I had shocked myself.  I was wretched for a moment.  “I’m not sure I get myself,” I said apologetically.”

Like, damn, poor Armand.  He’s an emotional mess, you can tell.  It feels like he just sort of loses control of his emotions at times, and then he’s ashamed of himself for it. 

His whole interaction with Marius is also a killer in terms of making you feel for Armand.  When he says to him, after Marius asks him to come stay with him in his house

“Master, I love you, but now I must be alone,” I said.  “You don’t need me now, do you, Sir?  How can you?  You never really did.”  Instantly I regretted it.  The words, not the tone, were impudent.  And our minds being so divided by intimate blood, I was afraid he’s misunderstand.”

I mean, this kind of encapsulates the whole tragedy between Armand and Marius, and Armand’s entire sense of abandonment too.  He doesn’t mean it as an accusation against Marius.  He just means it as a statement of fact.  He thinks Marius never needed him.  He probably feels that way about everyone he’s ever loved.  Lestat of course being the prime example.  And it’s really fascinating too, because as different as Lestat and Armand are, they both suffer from the same fear.  This idea in their heads that they aren’t lovable, that they aren’t worthy of love, that others will always leave them, that those they love will never return that love.  They come at the insecurity in two totally different ways.  Lestat tries to hold on to what love he finds harder, he tries to make it work, sometimes to force it, and Armand is much more resigning, almost more wilting in the face of it.  That’s the difference in their personalities.  Lestat is someone who refuses to yield or accept defeat.  Armand is someone who accepts and takes it.  But there’s this deep similarity between them too, beneath their personalities.  The same fears and insecurities and self-loathing drives them, I think, which also in a way explains why the two of them are always so at odds with each other, why they can’t ever really, truly be together.  For as different as they are, they’re also very strangely similar.  They maybe see too much of themselves in each other, and it scares them. 

This exchange between Armand and David also speaks volumes about Armand’s mindset regarding Lestat, and how it plays on his own insecurities.  He says

“Oh, I see, so that excuses it, that you followed me here?”

“I didn’t follow you, Armand,” he said.  “I live here.”

“Ah, I’m sorry then,” I admitted.  “I hadn’t known.  I suppose I’m glad of it.  You guard him.  He’s never alone.”  I meant Lestat of course.

From Armand’s perspective, Lestat is always surrounded by people (and, well, yeah, Lestat is.  That light in him which Nicki talked about once, that draws people to him.).  But you can see how it hurts Armand, because for him it must seem the opposite, that there’s a darkness in him which repels.  Just being near Lestat, seeing the way people are drawn to him, has to work at his insecurities in the worst way.  Again, it sheds light then on why he and Lestat are so often at odds.  It doesn’t help when David says to him

“Everyone’s afraid of you,”

But then there’s the contradiction to that, the way people lust after him, and this is why people are complaining too about Armand’s casting in the show, because it’s basically vital to the character that he have the appearance of a boy.  His entire psychology is wrapped up in the fact that he was a victim of sexual abuse as a child, that he was turned when he was only 17 and still had the appearance of a child.

This exchange between him and David

“You make me hungry,” I whispered.  “Not for you but for one who is doomed and yet alive.  I want to hunt.  Stop it.  Why do you touch me?  Why be so gentle?”

“Everyone wants you,” he said.

“Oh, I know.  Everyone would ravage a guilty cunning child!  Everyone would have a laughing boy who knows his way around the block.  Kids make better food than women, and girls are all too much like women, but young boys?  They’re not like men, are they?”

“Don’t mock me.  I meant I wanted only to touch you, to feel how soft you are, how eternally young.”

“Oh, that’s me, eternally young,” I said.  “You speak nonsense words for one so pretty yourself.”

Again, I find this really revealing, also about Armand’s relationship with Lestat in particular.  Everyone wants Armand, David tells him, and Armand is aware it’s largely because of the allure of his young, boyish appearance.  There’s an inherent perversion, then, in most people’s attraction to Armand.  They want him because he’s like a child.  That in itself is such a major tragedy.  There’s exceptions of course.  Like Daniel and Louis, both of whom are lovers of Armand’s, and who’s love is genuine.  But then there’s Lestat, who’s the only one who’s never lusted after Armand that way, and that kind of tells you a lot about who Lestat is too.  He loves Armand, but he doesn’t want him in the same way everyone else seems to.  He doesn’t lust after him.  You can see in its own way why this would serve to mess with Armand’s head.  He’s used to people going after him, to wanting him on account of his boyish beauty.  And then comes along Lestat, who looks very much like Marius, who Armand himself falls in love with, and yet Lestat shows no interest or desire to be with him in that way.  He doesn’t want to go after him, he doesn’t want to make him his.  It’s almost like Lestat is the first person Armand’s ever loved who didn’t actually treat him like meat, and that’s heartbreaking that it took 300 years of life before Armand came across someone who actually treated him like a real person, but also makes the dynamic and relationship between him and Lestat very special. As at each others throats as they are, as antagonistic as their exchanges often are, I feel like there’s a purity to their love that simply doesn’t really exist for Armand anywhere else. 

This part too, tells you plenty about the damage wrought in Armand by the trauma’s he’s experienced, another exchange with David, and Armand thinks

“I wondered idly and viciously if I could attack him, take him, bring him down under my greater craft and cunning and taste his blood without his consent.”

“I’m much too far along the road for that,” he said, “and why would you chance such a thing?”

“What self-possession.  The older man in him did indeed command the sturdier younger flesh, the wise mortal with an iron authority over all things eternal and supernaturally powerful.  What a blend of energies!  Nice to drink his blood, to take him against his will.  There is no such fun on Earth like the raping of an equal.

“I don’t know,” I said, ashamed.  Rape is unmanly.  “I don’t know why I insult you...”

It gives some pretty powerful insight into why Armand attacked Lestat the way he did, back when they first met.  Lestat was already pretty much equal to Armand in strength then, and Armand, because of the horrible things he’s gone through in his life, displays those kinds of symptoms of trauma common to victims of sexual abuse, thinking about sex and violence as almost one in the same.  Having invasive thoughts circling around those two things, etc...  He’s been taught the two go hand in hand, and then being a vampire sort of affirms that perception, a vampire’s very nature being of a violent and sexual nature.  Armand, while logically, knowing rape is bad and ugly and something one should be ashamed of, has still also had the concept of it almost normalized to him. 

#The Vampire Armand #Armand #The Vampire Chronicles

[theriu]

Ok but like, what is a Mennonite?

Great question! I’d first like to preface that I am far, far from an expert on this; I go to and was raised in a Mennonite Church, but we are a little odd because we’re the only Mennonite church around (you often find several in a community) and we don’t uphold the typical dress code of head coverings and skirts. Also my mom was the daughter of an army chaplain, so because of her experiences growing up and being around people of many Christian groups combined, we are pretty comfortable with many denominations. Here are some basics, though:

Mennonites are part of the Anabaptist movement, which is largely noted (among other things) for believing that people should choose baptism as adults as a sign of their commitment to Christ, rather than be baptized as infants.

We do still do dedications, which is where the parents and baby go up front at church and oil is put on the baby’s head and the congregation verbally commits to helping raise the child to know the Lord - basically showing they plan to be a good and supportive church family for this new member and the family.

Another notable difference is peaceful noncombatance. Mennonites generally hold that using force is wrong and that we shouldn’t join the military because it divides our allegiance between God and our country. This is another one that my church, at least, is more relaxed on - at least one of our members is a police officer, and my brother wanted to join the national guard (he couldn’t due to a minor but chronic medical issue). Also, as mentioned, my grandpa (who was not a Mennonite) was an army chaplain. I support my brothers and sisters in Christ who choose military service, but I also respect those who feel they should stay apart from it (and count myself one of them).

Fun Fact: Mennonites and German Baptists and other Anabaptist denominations are often confused with Amish because we are all Anabaptists and we all have a tradition of the women wearing head coverings and old-fashioned-ish skirts/dresses. However, the Amish came after the Mennonites, and Mennonites aren’t against using electricity or owning technology and such. I wont speak further on that because I am even less of an expert on Amish customs. (I mentioned German Baptists because I see them frequently around where I live; I know little of their differences from Mennonites except their head coverings are typically a cute boxy shape instead of the flat lace circle traditional Mennonite women wear.)

These next ones are, I think, pretty common across many or most denominations, and they are what I consider the core tenets of faith in Christ:

Jesus Christ is the Son of God and part of the Trinity (the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are all one God but are also distinct persons).

Jesus came to Earth as both fully man and fully God, He lived a sinless life and died on the cross to pay the debt of our sins so we could be reunited with God, and He rose from the dead to defeat the death that is the just punishment for our sin.

The Bible is the Word of God and it is true and good for guiding, teaching, comforting, and correcting.

We all have free will, and while God desires all people to be saved, the gift of salvation is freely offered, and we must choose to take it. We are saved by accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior and asking forgiveness of our sins, accepting his payment of our debt.

We cannot “earn” our salvation through good works, but genuine faith in Christ should lead to doing good works as a demonstration of our love for Him and of His love for others.

The Holy Spirit is the one mediator between us and God, and we can ask the Holy Spirit to pray through us when we don’t know how to express what we want to pray. God always answers our prayers, even if the answer is “No” or “Wait,” and we can trust that His answers are for our good and His glory, even when we can’t see how from our limited perspective here on Earth.

I think that’s a decent summary, but let me know if you have questions or are interested in the Bible verses that support the different points. And thanks for asking!

#river replies #mennonites #anabaptist #Christianity #church #God #Jesus #Holy Spirit

[crimsontroupe]

"Adonia, what was it like for you when you first began to live among the Fae? I imagine it was," he paused, "different." - @ardenssolis (unprompted, always accepting)

"...It seems so long ago, now." The question is a pleasant one. Surprising, but pleasant. He leans back against the chair, looking up at the vibrant blue sky above both of them. Another version of himself, a man taken by his inadequacy.

Adonia seems to be more comfortable in his own body, now. And the trip down memory lane sparks a clear smile on his lips. "But I applaud your curiosity, my friend. No question of yours shall go unanswered. That is our bond, and my promise.

But back on the subject of millennia ago..." He raises both hands, intent on bringing it to life through magic at first. Then he thinks twice about it. A story in which you can allow your imagination to run free is always the best of them. "It was a journey, to say the least. I was young and naive. Young and anxious, young and reckless. I was reeling from the first selfish decision I had made in my entire life. I ran away, you see. From my responsibilities. To a land that had none but your dreams.

It was not the same as it is now." Adonia tents his hands, letting them rest on his lap. Like this, he almost looks like an old sage telling an old story near the warm campfire. That smile is still on his lips, although Ozymandias should notice it faltering at times. "It was new. Back then, the Queen was somebody else. She had a clear desire to keep humans away - she did not like being that did not already belong to the First World.

I ran from a kingdom that put too much pressure on me to another one that did not desire me there. Adapting to beings whimsical and cruel was not what I struggled with. I had set my eyes on a new objective: my right to exist. The right for all beings to exist, no matter where they wanted to be. On this journey, I was joined by many unlikely allies - alongside the current Queens.

There is something delightfully ironic in a man who ran away from responsibility - from his Kingdom - only to be involved in the dismantling of power of another one. We rewrote every unspoken law. By sheer force of will, authority changed hands. I became King, yet I had no power. It was certainly "weird", but I lived in bliss for two thousand years. I found somewhere to call home, and in turn that changed me. Until the consequences of my selfish acts came crashing through.

I consider it part of me, part of my historied past. Time flows too quickly, and then too slowly. Time does not exist there - and it only exists as long as you wish for it to exist. I am respected, but that respect was earned. You should know this: the weak are viewed as prey in the eyes of the strong. As I established myself, the number of people who would desire to end my life as a prank reduced drastically. But I gained my fair share of enemies.

It is a place like anywhere else, but perhaps my view of it has been heavily tinted throughout the ages and my experience. Not many would willingly go there, but now... it is a place where people could stay, if they so desire.

I willed it so. For the lost souls who desire freedom, for the lost souls who have been rejected by their peers. They will lose themselves, find themselves in a new place. And then comes the decision of returning to their lives or living there.

... Ah. It seems I did not properly answer your question. You got a story out of me regardless. But to put it simply: I was always a bit of an odd person. My siblings thought so, though they would never say that to me to my face. My brother now seems way more inclined on reminding me of this fact. So I adapted better than you think. I brought necessary changes.

I found where I wanted to be. So the hardships were not as bothersome as you might think, hahaha."

#ardenssolis #UNHINGES JAW AND BITES THIS #the last rose of summer ; adonia #sorry ozy you get the beginning of a story. if you want more. you should ask him. maybe he will tell you over a cup of tea