#why is my covid making me so full of rage

[midnight-moth]

Big ol’ rant

Once again it must be the fever talking but… I feel like there’s been a lot of random kink shaming and shaming in general going on about how people characterize the ghouls and ghoulettes. And granted maybe 1% of it is accurate but… I preface this with saying WE SHOULD ALL USE THE PROPER TAGS. Even when we reblog stuff. I am bad at it. I’m trying to get better. That includes going through past posts.

That being said, if people write all the ghouls as trans maybe it’s because they would like to create a scenario where it isn’t a minority, if people write age regression because it’s something they experience or gives them comfort - let them? If people want to write about more extreme kinks - let them. I’ve seen ppl chased off the internet for writing Copia X Terzo for example.

If people want to write piss, incest, scat I don’t really give a fuck. There are only a few hard nos and I think we know what they are. But don’t try and use the real life people playing the made up characters as justification for shaming creators.

Because you may think your HCs are totally innocent and innocuous but they could very well horrify that real life person. And that is why we aren’t writing/drawing/talking about them.

Also, there’s no good or bad writing or art. We all possess different skill levels and we are still worthy of creating and sharing it.

Andddd if someone’s portrayal of neuro-divergence, mental illness, queerness etc doesn’t align with yours it doesn’t mean they’re wrong. If it isn’t your experience you are so very free to write about your own.

What’s more is how many times the creator of this whole thing has said he supports people being creative, is well aware of the fanfic people write and also said the only thing we got wrong is how big their dicks are. (If you want sources I’ll find them because I’ve done it before for this same argument) anyways - in conclusion - Don’t like? Don’t read?

#tw rant #I just am tired of creators feeling like they did something wrong when they really didn’t #your kink is not my kink and that’s okay say it with me #don’t like don’t read say that too #why is my covid making me so full of rage #please note the big old disclaimer that yes we all need to tag things clearly and properly

[ofsappho]

HEY WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Aka

Why I haven’t updated anything yet

I’m not necessarily up to typing up a whole essay atm but. Nightmare roommate who is antisemitic, homophobic, transphobic, racist, islamophobic, sexist, COVID denier, conspiracy theorist, white supremacist has been harassing me, controlling me, attempting to gaslight and manipulate me for months. He regularly vents his anger and frustrations with his personal life on me via yelling, cursing me out, and insulting me. He has repeatedly sexually harassed one of my other roommates. He loves to punch walls and scream and throw things around the house when he’s angry.

Because I have been unable to be exactly whatever the fuck he wants me to be when he’s being abusive and needs a victim to control, he has threatened me with property damage if I continue living there. He threatened to lie to the landlord in order to get me evicted for displeasing him. He degraded, insulted, and cursed me out for wanting to live in my apartment for a new year.

And then I overheard him expressing over and over how he was going to bash (my and/or another girl in the house he’s mad at)’s fucking head in. He was completely serious and full of rage and as he kept talking about beating this girl until she was dead and how he’d make it look like self defense and get away with it. He did not know I was listening. I thought I could’ve died that night if he so much as saw me around the house and triggered his abuse.

This is now a domestic abuse/domestic violence situation that I am in the process of escaping. I am safe and I have safety plans in place to prevent my abuser from accessing me, my cat, and my property.

To end this, I want to say that domestic violence is real. It can take a variety of forms, including roommate abuse. Everyone deserves the right to live in safety and peace without being threatened or experiencing violence.

#personal #abuse

[raincamp]

11 03 2023

discovering that i experience pathological demand avoidance / pervasive drive for autonomy (PDA) as a symptom of my autism has been fucking life changing.

i spent all these fucking years feeling so helpless, my parents telling me that im lazy, feeling like a failure because i couldnt even graduate highschool. i didnt understand how everyone else could just sit back and waste their entire lives at the demand of someone else. how they could work 40+ hours a week and not come home so exhausted that they can't even find time to take care of themselves.

i couldn't find a justifiable reason why i was physically unable to do what everyone else has been able to "just suck it up" and suffer through. working full time, being at school full time, it was all enough to make me lose sight of why i was even alive. enough to make me have mental crises. enough that i ended up in the hospital several times.

but idk, im fine when i have control over my schedule. i was thriving during COVID when school was no longer a thing i was forced to do, but something i got to choose to do. nobody was making me sit in a building for 6 hours bored out of my mind. i got autonomy over my schedule, over my life, and i genuinely haven't been able to recreate the feeling of freedom it gave me since.

and when i was forced to go to school again, despite how easy it was, despite the fact that i barely had to do anything, the mere idea of having to sit in a classroom against my will made me burn with such rage that i made it so that i had autonomy over it. i would only come to classes i wanted to go to, which meant going to school three hours late and walking out when the class was over.

now obviously thats not how highschool works so i had to drop out. after a lovely (/s) visit to the psych ward my parents stopped giving a fuck. but then it was my choice to get a diploma/GED which i had zero problem doing, i was happy to do it even. why didnt i just sit through the last 6 months of school instead? idk, to me it felt like fucking torture.

i still feel that way, working full time. working part time even. i hate it because i want nothing more than to enjoy having a career like everyone else can. to be able to have a life outside of work, a fulfilling one even. ive never been able to do that. and it saddens me. why is it that everyone around me can find happiness in working their entire lives away but not me? why do i come home everyday wanting to die? why am i the only one who sees it as an injustice that my entire life is going to be spent at the whims of someone else's demands?

i burn with helplessness and anger and pain at the mere thought. but still i suffer through as many months as i can handle at jobs until i have enough money to last me a couple months of freedom. even though i have to sacrifice my mental stability for it. even though it means hospital visits and alcohol dependency and suicide attempts.

a perfect life for me doesn't include not working though, not working feels unfulfilling, i want to make a living for myself. i want to be financially independent. i dont even mind working 8 hours a day if i got to choose my schedule. if i could wake up one day and say "nah ill wait till 2 pm to start work today" or could start work at 7 am when i wanted, take as many days off as i wanted, which honestly wouldn't be a whole lot because i find value in productivity.

its the fact that i have to follow the demands of someone else that sucks the life out of me.

and now that i have this knowledge i can learn how to use it to accommodate my struggles instead of feeling like a fuck up

- andrew

#pda #tumblr diary #im not mentally stable #mental health awareness #capitalism #pathological demand avoidance #pervasive drive for autonomy #highschool dropout #autism #actually autistic

[bl00d-1n-wat3r]

My review of Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White copied and pasted from Goodreads

I have never written a review before but I need to. This book, I have no words is just beautiful in its own fucked up way.

I am a trans 15 year old boy with autism and full of rage who hasn’t gotten a chance to express himself. I grew up in the church and when Covid hit I figured out myself. Im an atheist and unapologetically gay. But the guilt still weighs down on my shoulders like God is watching me disappointed in me. This book made me feel seen. Made me feel heard, I no longer feel alone in my anger or sadness that bares over me.

I see why this book isnt for everyone and anyone who decides they want this book read the trigger warnings, this book is gory and not for the faint of heart. But if you decide to read it I hope you experienced it the way I did. I couldnt put it down and finished it in one day. The characters felt real. And every time something happened I had to put the book down for a moment and pace and stim because I was so full of excitement thinking about what was going to happen.

TLDR: Be gay, make lizards, read the TW’S, and Andrew Joseph White is an amazing author who deserves more recognition than the world could give him

#hell followed with us #andrew joseph white #the spirit bares its teeth #your books make me sob #in a good way #fuck #i just finished it #and fuck me dude #/pos #i wish I could erase my memory of this book so I could read it for the first time #spoiler: #stop reading the tags to not be spoiled #when Benji got want to New Nazareth I could hear my heartbeat in my ears I was so scared #my face was literally tingling #which only happens when I am SUPER scared which almost never happens #i am still coming down from the high of finishing this book and now Im exhausted

[thecandywrites]

Monster March 2023- Day 20- Humanoid Cat/Cat folk- Part 1

What to Bring to a Table

Ok, so we've all heard the saying that in relationships- 'What do you bring to the table?" Right? And the older I get, the more I realize, that metaphor is, as archaic as it is, still has a good point.

It's not really about what you can bring to a table, but it's about the table itself. Or its what you as the individual are and have made yourself into. Is the table well made? Is it purely decorative or is it dual purpose or is it rough or just slapped haphazardly together? Is it too high for anyone to reach? Is it so low that it's barely off the ground? How big should it be? Or should it fear that another will come along and saw it and break it apart and rebuild it to suit them? Or worse yet, look at the table that you've built and stacked and stocked for yourself, and think they're entitled to eat everything on it, leaving you with table scraps and a tale full of dirty dishes?

And it should also be a of note, that each dish that you may try to put on the table itself, may have been a labor of love and you may have put a lot of work and effort into it. But if all that hard work is not recognized or praised or noticed, but if anything, taken for granted or demanded, then why do it at all?

And I was totally listening to Labour by Paris Paloma while I was writing this and it shows. And while that song did unlock thousands of years of feminine rage, for guys to recognize that it is a lot of labor and that they should count themselves privledged to even be invited to take a seat at the table and come to the table with some support, and praise and recognition of all the hard work that went into the table and be willing to do the same and willing to join their own table to yours, not to feast and then walk away, but to help make both tables better and stronger for it and willing to cook for the food and clean up after too.

Also, I was severely injured last week and it's thrown yet another monkey wrench into my life. And then my grandmother's caretaker, went off her meds, got 51/50'd into the psyche ward for homicidal tendancies so I, even as injured and in as much pain as I'm in, have tried to help in facilitating her rescue and escape and get her safely to my Mom, only to find out, only hours before we were supposed to go that my parents both got Covid. And then I immediately tested myself, at the time, I tested negative. So it was up to me to clean/disinfect and sanitize my parent's van that just got an oil change and brand new tires so that two of my three sisters could take it down to AZ to pick up my grandmother and bring her here to Ohio. And guess what? I woke up sick this morning myself. Which, honestly, is no surprise for me. I just hope my injury continues to heal and I don't have to be hospitalized for it. Because i'm at risk for MRSA, Staff, Sepsis, and Gangrene. Murphy's Law might as well be my middle name.

Anyway, my first exophillia stories, were actually with rakshasa. So this is going...all the way back to the beginning and then reworking this and rewriting this was really fun for me. I forgot how much I missed this story and these characters. And this was actually fanfiction of @momolady 's Ruby Empire, that I got her permission to write, way back when.

Thanks to @borealwrites for their Monster March 2023 prompts. I know it's April now, but I only have 11 more prompts to go. And when I'm done, I'll put them all in a masterlist like I did with Kinktober.

Monster March 2023 Day 20- Humanoid Cat- Rakshasa

Zakira and Sulaimon

Part 1

Commander Sulaimon Ahusharaht stood stoically by as he waited for the envoy from Willow to come. Willow, was the newest prefecture and protected city state of The Ruby Empire. And his friend, Lomi, and his wife, who was from Willow, asked him if he could serve as an escort to some members of the envoy. She even offered to pay for him to do so. But Lomi and Zara-Joy were his friends and he gladly accepted the request, no payment needed. From that moment, Zara-Joy had told him all about who she wanted him to protect, her best friend, Zakira Ukani and her daughter Zeeanna, while they would be in The Crown City of The Ruby Empire. They were a small ethnic group from Masraiem, before the War of the Pharaohs tore The Old Kingdom from the top down and rebuilt the The New Kingdom of Masraiem a new, and a new dynasty to go with it. And thankfully the people of Willow were thankfully spared. But not for long. And before Willow knew it, it was pulled into a war, it had lost the knowledge and training to fight in the first place. Masraiem while demanding soldiers- did not offer the protection they once promised. Which was why they sought out the Ruby Empire instead. 

According to Zara-Joy, Zakira was descended from the Old Dynasty Royalty. Granted it had been an affair with one of the pharaoh’s many sons. Thankfully she left with her illegitimate heir and kept them safe from The War of The Pharaoh’s and from being killed off as being an heir period, because they were out to take out any and all remnants of the Old Kingdom to set up The New Kingdom and the New Dynasty. However, the reason she still held the title of Mushrief was because her family had otherwise been the heads over the pharaoh's kitchens and especially the banquets. And those traditions got passed down to the point that Zakira was hands down, no contest- the best cook in all of Willow. Her family had planted the most amazing vineyards, growing many kinds of grapes, making the best wine. Olives for olive oil. And figs and palms for dates. Along with leeks, garlic, onions, tomatoes, and other herbs and especially spices. The most prized being saffron of course while her own family were also from the kitchens but were responsible for the desserts. Thus all the marshmallows and other confections, with figs and dates and pomegranates and other fruits. 

But while all the talk of food had made Sulaimon very, very hungry. Zara-Joy stressed that he needed to use extra care and caution with her. Zakira was widowed. Her husband and love of her life, practically since infancy, had left for war, and not returned. Along with her own father and brothers. And she was the only daughter of her family. And so before the men went off to war, they all got hastily married, even though Zakira and Zahir had been planning on getting married anyway. But, instead had to share their wedding night with all the others. And she was one of four who got pregnant. And none of the fathers to the new babies had come back. Either a family got either a father, or in rare instances, a son back. But never both. Nearly all of the men of Willow had gone, except for the lame and very old. And only a handful had returned, and were never the same. 

But Zakira’s father, nor her brothers, nor her husband came back. Her mother died of grief. And she nearly lost herself and her baby to grief several times. To the point, many of Zakira’s friends simply moved in with her to help her care for herself and at least nurture her own pregnancy. And Zakira had not moved on. She refused to wear white, because she refused to accept the deaths of any of them. And instead, had only worn black ever since. Even if the weather was good for it or not. 

Sulaimon, being a black jaguar rakshasa himself, could empathize. He was naturally dark, so the sun was always shining most fiercely over him. And all he could hope was that for Zeeanna’s sake, she too would not be dressed in black either, for fear she would overheat. But Zara-Joy assured him that Zeeanna was now the only thing Zakira was living for, and she was the most loved, cherished, and spoiled rotten baby in all of Willow. Where Zakira would always make sure she was bathed, clean and well fed. So that Zeeanna would never have a reason to cry in the first place. Which worried Zara-Joy, who by now, was expecting herself and she worried that Zeeanna was going to grow up- never hearing the word “no” and know what it meant. And that the reason Zara-Joy specifically asked Sulaimon, was because he had a lot of experience with babies, since all of his siblings had them of all ages and he was used to watching them to give his siblings and their mates breaks and “date nights”. And that she was hoping Sulaimon would give Zeeanna, the gentle, but firm correction and loving discipline, she would no doubt need since she was fast approaching the terrible twos, despite only being about a year old. 

But that, was what gave Sulaimon pause, because most parents were usually pretty protective over their kids and didn’t like “strangers” telling them how to parent their kids. Especially when he didn’t have any himself. So, he would just have to wait and see how this meeting with Zakira and Zeeanna would go. 

But that fact that he was even willing, was a huge relief to Zara-Joy, who then, gave him a “gift” to exchange to Zakira since Willow was known for it’s customs and traditions of trading gifts. That he would give this bottle of perfume to her once they got to meet in person. And she’d give him a flower necklace that would match the one she would make for herself and the flower necklace would serve like a name badge so she would be able to tell him apart from the other escorts who were also called in on this. 

Sulaimon watched as his comrades were happy to meet their person in the envoy to escort them while they were here, visiting with Zara-Joy and her husband. 

Sulaimon waited and waited and waited as the envoy that never seemed to end, as he realized, it was practically one huge group of young women, all Zara-Joy’s age, with a few families, being in the mix. They all came in and greeted Zara Joy first before she pointed them to their escorts and protectors. And soon, all of his friends and comrades on either side of him and all around him were pulled to their intended protectee- while in the Crown City. 

Finally, the last person in the envoy came through the gate, leaving Sulaimon to assume that this must have been Zakira Ukani. She was, indeed- wearing all black, although it was embroidered with gold thread as an accent. But she was clutching a small baby to her chest, wrapped in still damp white clothes to keep her cool in the heat. Which fit the description Zara-Joy gave him. So he figured that was his cue to finally go up and introduce himself at least. 

But the closer he got, the moment she pulled her black hood back, to reveal a river of black and sun lightened brown hair, he was suddenly mesmerized and then slowed down to a stop as his pupils dilated as wide as they could be while his focus was suddenly solely on her. She had to be the most beautiful human looking woman he had ever seen before in his life. The Crown City had all sorts of species of people. So he was used to seeing all manner of them. But to see all of these very pretty girls come in, his friends were suddenly very pleased with the “assignment”. 

But once she embraced her friend and then Zara-Joy pointed to him, her face changed to that of one of weariness and apprehension but she seemed to try to push that down as she purposefully came forward to at least meet him halfway before his feet soon did the same. 

“Mushrief Zakira Ukani?” He greeted hopefully as he came over to her. 

“Commander Sulaimon Ahushrat.” She greeted back cordially as her voice still had a thicker Masraiem accent. And he had heard tales of queens of the Pharoh’s being handpicked from the beauties of Masraiem to serve in his harem when he wasn’t, of course, fucking his own sisters to keep a “pure” bloodline, that is, well, at least, according the rumors anyway. 

“I believe this is for you.” He offered the gift of the bottle of perfume. 

“Thank you, and this is a gift for you.” She offered as she handed him the flower necklace whose blooms were the darkest reds and purples and practically black themselves, but their scents were heady and heavy but divine. 

“Thank you.” As he took it from her and put it on himself while she put the bottle of perfume away into the bag that hung at her hip but hung across her own chest, over her mother’s sling, where her baby was nestled against so that her own mother’s breasts could serve as pillows when she would sleep. The baby still had milk on her face. This was probably why she was the last in, she wanted to feed her baby right before and was probably hanging back to do just that. 

“So this must be little Zeeanna.” He gestured to the baby at her chest before said baby turned at the sound of her name from clutching at her mother to look him over curiously. And if Sulaimon thought that Zakira was beautiful, this little baby had to be the most adorable baby he had ever seen before in his life, his own nieces included. 

But after Zeeanna looked him over, she seemed to make up her mind about him and pulled away from her mother and leaned towards him and started cooing and babbling at him and reaching out with her chubby little hands. 

“No, Anna.” Zakira immediately pulled her baby away from him and tried to wrap her up even closer in the mother sling she had her daughter in. 

“I wouldn’t mind holding her.” He offered. 

“No, she’d hurt herself on all the weapons that are strapped to you.” Zakira sharply turned him down as she tried walking back to her horse while also trying to contain a now very wriggling and bawling baby in her mother’s sling. 

“Here, I’ll take them off.” Sulaimon offered before he took off the straps across his chest where his daggers were and put them around his hips instead so his arms and chest were disarmed and open. 

“Your armor’s most likely burning hot in the sun, it would burn her skin.” Zakira added as she tried to continue to excuse as she tried to walk away but with each wail of Anna, she got more upset and distressed, as did he before he took that off too and handed it all to a friend to keep for him. 

“There, I’m not wearing anything that’ll hurt her or harm her. I can hold her.” He offered as Anna was trying to climb up her mom’s chest, and over her shoulder and cried and still reached out to him and Sulaimon didn’t care if he’d strip down to bare fur if he had to -because her cries were hurting him more than any burning arrow could. 

Finally, Zakira turned around and noticed that he had taken off his chest armor and his daggers and even the swords on their belt at his waist before she begrudgingly and reluctantly got Anna out of her sling and then nervously handed her baby over and watched him like a hawk as he took her and held her securely in his arms as she instantly stopped crying and settled down as Sulaimon instantly started soothing her and cooing to her in turn. 

“Well it’s nice to meet you too. So Anna huh?” He assumed as he looked at her as she smiled, showing off four, tiny little teeth in her otherwise bare gums. Sulaimon made sure his claws were otherwise deep into his fingers as he oh so carefully wiped the tears from Anna’s eyes and her cheeks and began to purr to put her at ease which helped her settle down more and relax and get comfortable. 

“Everything ok?” He asked Zakira as he looked up from Anna to see Zakira standing there, watching him hold her daughter as she was frowning in confusion at the scene. 

“She…she usually doesn’t like anyone but me to hold her.” Zakira reluctantly admitted. 

“Zara-Joy said that she and Lomi got to when they came to visit Willow last.” Sulaimon recalled. So at least he wasn’t first rakshasa Zeeanna had ever met before. 

“I…I thought it was a fluke.” Zakira allowed. 

“Well, Zara-Joy is a very sweet person and her husband was always a remarkable guard in the Palace Guard and is a very good and honorable man. Babies have good senses about people.” Sulaimon offered before he reached up to brush Anna’s thick curls from her face before Anna reached out to grab his hand. 

“Oh, Anna don’t…!” Zakiria immediately rushed to pull his hand out of her daughter’s grasp. But was not fast enough. 

Because with lightning fast speed and surprising strength, Anna grabbed his hands, one hand on his thumb, and the other on his pinky and shoved the back of his first finger into her mouth and bit down. Hard. 

Sulaimon impressed himself by not roaring out in pain but his ears pinned back as his gasp and grunt of pain while his tail nearly snapped like a whip. He just instantly clenched his jaw and let out a low growl as his face scrunched up in pain as his eyes snapped shut before he heard Anna let out the most evil little giggle as Zakira gasped in horror at her daughter’s actions. 

He took a few calming breaths and opened his eyes and fixed Anna with a softened but still firm look of disapproval. 

“I’m so sorry, she’s a biter. I should have warned you.” Zakira offered apologetically as she tried to pry his hand from her daughter’s mouth. 

“No Anna! No biting! Biting bad!” Zakira chastised her baby and popped Anna in the mouth once she had freed Suilaimon’s hand from Anna’s grip and her daughter’s mouth, but that only sent Anna into hysterics again before she rolled in Sulaimons’ arms and sought comfort in Sulaiman's arms and chest and rolled away from her mom to avoid her look of disappointment and anger. 

“Anna, you need to listen to your Mama ok? Biting for the fun of it is bad. If you’re biting to defend yourself, that’s one thing. But biting just to be mean is bad ok?” Sulaimon offered as he moved her to lay over his shoulder and rubbed soothing circles into her back as she then tried to climb into his shirt, like it was another sling before he opened up the top of the vest over his shirt to make a pocket to put herself in. as she was happy to do that. 

Then she gave a huge burp and Sulaimon’s ears went back again as he could feel her milky spit up spill down his back. That this heat only amplified the scent and the feeling of it soaking into his clothes and going down them too. 

“I am so sorry!” Zakira apologized again as she grabbed a cloth from her back to try to wipe it up and off of him before it would soak into his clothes too much. But then Zakira was happy to simply sigh in relief and then nuzzle her head into the crux of Sulaimon’s neck and shoulder and reach up and grab a fistful of his fur in her fist and then promptly, fell soundly asleep. 

Zakira tried to clean it up only to look up and softly gasp at the sight again. 

“What’s wrong?” Sulaimon asked as his ears trained on Zakira behind him. 

“Nothing. Nothing is wrong, she’s…she’s asleep. She hasn’t slept hardly at all this whole trip. She has been incredibly upset and restless since we left home. And…she really needs it. I’m sorry she made a mess of your clothes. I can try to wash them once we get to..” She tried to offer. 

“No, it’s fine. Babies are messy. I know. I don’t have any myself but all of my siblings do. This is not the first or the last time this vest and this outfit will have gotten spit up on it. And it’s pretty easy to clean too, no worries. There’s more than enough soap and fresh water to wash it, and I can wash it myself if need be.” Sulaimon calmly reassured her. 

“Well, thank you, very much for understanding that and being so gracious about this.” Zakira offered. 

“Thank you for trusting me with Anna.” Sulaimon offered in kind as they seemed to finally catch gazes and really see, each other, for who they really were. Sulaimon could just see that she was a young widow, trying to deal with immense grief and loss and motherhood all at once and all on her own. And he could empathize with that. And she could see that, while he may have looked rakshasa, there was still a very good man in there, underneath all that handsome fur. 

“Well, you’re right, babies can tell things about people. And if she likes you enough to play with you, even though she did that by biting you. And if she is comfortable enough to fall asleep in your arms, and you’re willing to forgo your weapons and armor to just hold her. Then I’m sure I can entrust her into your care for now.” Zakira offered, with the shyest of smiles, it was small, but still precious before she noticed the others were getting back up on their horses. 

“Do you need help to get back up on your horse?” Sulaimon asked. 

“Uh, no, I’m fine, I got it.” She quickly dismissed.

“Yeah, I know you do. Just, let me at least, offer you a leg up. Here, put your foot on my knee, and you’ll get up on your horse easier.” He offered before he knelt next to her stallion, while still keeping Anna on his other shoulder and securely in his other arm. 

“Thank you.” She thanked him as she took his free hand and used his offered knee to jump up onto her stallion and let him lead the stallion with the others as the group went to Zara-Joy’s palace with the others where she had many guest rooms prepared for her guests from home. 

“Joy! You didn’t have to go all out like this.” Zakira said as she appraised the suite of rooms that her friend showed her to and the many gifts all around it. 

“I can, so I did. Plus I mean look, won’t Anna look so pretty in these?” Zara-Joy asked as she showed Zakira the matching mommy and daughter outfits she had gotten Zakira, that progressed include other colors other than black, trying to tempt Zakira out of her prolonged mourning. Slowly, but surely. 

“Yes, they’re very beautiful. I don’t know how I could ever…” Zakira began to say. 

“Do not cheapen my gifts by trying to think of how much they are worth or how much trouble they were to acquire. Please, don’t steal my joy, accept them. And if you can bring yourself to wear even a bangle, I’ll be happy. I know it’s been hard grieving, but you’re here, enjoy it. They have an entire Spice District here in the Crown City in the Market Square, I’m sure you’ll have fun playing around and finding new ways to mix them together to make anything you wanted. My chefs would be eager to watch you work and try to copy down all those secret recipes your ancestors brought over from the old country being the exquisite Mushariefs they always have been. Your kitchen has always had the best food in all of Willow. Find something new and create something or put a twist on the old. Or even honor the old ways if you really want to. In the meantime, I know you’re anxious to get cleaned up from all the dust from the roads, come, this palace has it’s own private bathhouse.” Zara urged her friend before Anna woke up from her nap and looked around. 

“Just in time, come on Anna, lets get you and Mommy and the other women cleaned up ok?” Zara-Joy said before Zakira took her daughter back from Sulaimon. 

“Joy got you some special oils Sweetheart, come on, let’s get cleaned up and we can let Commander…” Zakira began. 

“It’s just Sulaimon or Sully if you really want to be casual, you don’t have to use my rank or anything.” Sulaimon invited.

“Oh, well then it’s just Zakira for me then, excuse us.” She said as she simply grabbed the closest set of bathing robes, scooping up undergarments under them as she did so and put them with the basket of bathhouse supplies. 

“You can use the other side of the bathhouse, and obviously, get your shirt and vest cleaned at least.” Zara-Joy urged Sulaimon as she went with her friend and urged all the women to join her in “the ladies” side of the bathhouse. 

“Why did you choose Sulaimon to escort me around?” Zakira asked her friend once they disrobed and stepped into the ever hot and gently floating water. While the other women were already giddily talking about how much they liked and were attracted to their escorts. 

“Because, when he’s not in “Commander Mode”, he’s surprisingly quiet yet gentle. He comes from a large but very good family. He’s always been single because the military has always been his career and he’s always saved his wages living in the barracks. And once all of his siblings got married and started having kids, suddenly he found himself on more blind dates because everyone always wants to play matchmaker with him. And he is very guarded against that sort of thing. As I know you have been since you lost Zahir. This way, I figured you’d both get the break from the pressure, even if it’s only for a visit.” Zara-Joy casually explained as she tried to hide her scheming smile as she helped wash Anna and wash her hair while Zakira washed Anna’s body and thought that over and did feel a sense of relief to learn that.  

“Has he ever had…” Zakira began to ask but her emotion cut off her voice. 

“No, he’s never been married, but according to Lomi, he did like one girl. But she couldn’t wait for him to even get out of basic training and was already six months pregnant by the time he came back from his training that takes a year. And the worst part was that she cheated on one of the idiots who got kicked out of basic training because it was too hard for him. And apparently had been having an affair with the other one before he even left for basic training. So ever since then, he’s just…thrown himself into his military career and training more cadets and making sure they are well trained, and very well equipped.” Zara-Joy answered.  

“I wish Willow had had something like that.” Zakira muttered resentfully. 

“I know. But now that Willow is an ally of The Ruby Empire, no more will the men of Willow be led to the slaughter and I’m sure Sulaimon would be the first to volunteer to teach such things there, so that Willow will no longer be vulnerable or at the mercy of anyone or anything, other than the weather itself.” Zara-Joy insisted as Zakira nodded but still fought back tears. 

“Not that there’s many men left.” Zara practically hissed.

“The war took too much from us. From you especially. That’s why I chose the best soldier in King Amit’s army as your escort. Because even if he was without weapons altogether. He would and will find a way to keep you and especially Anna safe, even when you’re not inside your home or inside mine.” Joy soothed Zakira as she put conditioning oils into Anna’s hair. 

“Where will he be staying while I’m here?” Zakira asked. 

“In the next room over from you. And there is a private entrance from his quarters into yours so you don’t have to go out into the hallway if you don’t want to. But there’s a lock on all the doors so no one will have access to you or Anna without your permission and consent.” Zara reassured her friend. 

Zakira got redressed in a bathrobe and took Anna back to her room so she could give Anna a proper massage and a chance to nurse again, since she did spit up quite a bit, and hopefully, fill a diaper or two before she would get dressed and then put Anna into her new outfit, because Zakira did not want Anna to make a mess of such a precious little outfit. 

Then there was a knock on the door that Zara-Joy had told Zakira led to Sulaimon’s guest room. 

“Yes Sulaimon?” Zakira asked. 

“Dinner is almost ready. Are you ready or do you need help with Anna or anything?” He asked through the door as he finished getting redressed himself in clean clothes and had washed himself. So that he too would be fresh and clean for dinner. 

“No, I’m…” Zakira began before Anna immediately popped off from nursing and began to babble and call out to Sulaimon and began crawling on the large bed to get towards the door while Zakira huffed and pulled the robe around her tighter once Anna got to the end of the bed and actually slid down from the bed to the chaise lounge at the bottom of the bed and then slid down safely to the floor and was crawling as fast as Zakira had ever seen Anna move before. 

“Ah! Anna!” Zakira tried to lunge to catch her daughter before she slid from the bed and then got up to try to catch her before she fell from the chaise lounge at the end of the bed. 

But Sulaimon, upon hearing Zakira yelp at her daughter broke the door down and open to get to her but only came in to see Anna there, sitting up on her feet on the other side with Zakira trying to reach for her as Anna smiled happily to see Sulaimon again and closed the distance between herself and him and climbed to stand up on his legs while babbling and reaching for him. 

“Oh, I’m, I’m so sorry, I heard…” Sulaimon quickly apologized as he quickly scooped Anna up into his arms only to be met with the sight of Zakira in only a robe that had come a bit loose in her attempts to get her daughter up off the floor. 

“Sorry to worry, you, obviously, she’s…she’s just fine, I just didn’t think she could move that fast.” Zakira tried to excuse as she looked at the way the wood broke in the door itself as the lock was still in the other half of the lock in the wall. 

“Nor did I think you’d be that strong, unless that door is especially flimsy.” Zakira offered as she gestured to it before Zara-Joy and her husband Lomi came in to see the scene. 

“What happened?” Zara-Joy asked as she looked between her friend and Sulaimon as Sulaimon’s ears pinned back sheepishly. 

“I heard Zakira cry out for Anna and thought they were in danger, and I uh, I broke your door. I can uh. I can either pay for its repair or replacement.” Sulaimon offered. 

“Wow, don’t worry about it. You were just doing your job.” Lomi reassured his friend as he appraised the door before he unlocked it and the other half of the locking mechanism fell onto the floor once it was released as Lomi picked it up.

“That’s quite impressive.” Lomi praised. 

“Zakira, if you want to be moved I have another spare room available.” Zara-Joy offered consolingly. 

“No it’s alright. I think if anything, it just proved that you chose a good and protective escort for me. To the point he’d break your house at the thought of Anna being in danger, it’s fine. I was going to unlock it and keep it unlocked anyway.” Zakira offered. 

“Well, we can still get it replaced while we have dinner. But um, we would just need to put away your gifts for when the repairmen come to install the new door, but first you might want to get dressed.” Zara suggested before she helped Zakira get a set of clothes and into the bathroom before she put the gifts she had gotten her into the dressers and other places in the room before Lomi left to seek out a new doorman. 

“Great first impression.” Sulaimon muttered to himself as he simply got Anna dressed in the matching outfit that corresponded to the one that Zakira had grabbed and got Anna dressed at least. 

“I thought it wasn’t half bad.” Zara- Joy shrugged. 

“Why’d you pick me as her escort? Why not Rhyad? He is a composer and you told me that Zakira was too. At least they would have that in common.” Sulaimon asked Zara as she continued to put all the jewelry that she knew Zakira probably overlooked before she pulled out a different necklace that didn’t match the style of any of the jewelry that was common in The Ruby Empire, much less the Crown City. 

“I could have. But even though they both love music, they have very different views about it. Rhyad and his music is all about the big performance, the large, complicated and intricate workings. Zakira believes in the simple but profound and authentic music. That even if all you have, is your own voice, than that is all the instrument you really need to make good music. And using the natural sounds around you to set the pace and the rhythm. But otherwise, when Rhyad is not a composer, he is a pushover. And that’s not what Anna needs. Anna is a stinker through and through. Aren’t you- you cheeky rascal.” Zara-Joy cooed to Anna as she sat on the bed next to where Anna was being laid down so Sulaimon could dress her, after he checked her diaper to make sure it didn’t need changing. 

“You have a great capacity to give Anna the gentle firmness in structure and discipline that she’s been missing so far. Honestly, I think Anna only does most of the naughty things as more of a joke and to get a laugh, which is why she’s the first to laugh, hoping her mother will too, or at least, just to see Zakira smile. Because all Zakira could do once Anna was born, was cry to see so much of Zahir in her. I’m surprised she just didn’t outright name her Zahini instead.” 

Zara-Joy admitted in a low murmur as Zakira eavesdropped while she got ready.��

“Too much like tahini or zucchini.” Sulaimon noted which got Zara-Joy to snicker a laugh while Zakira made a face. 

“Yeah, that’s what Zahir had said before he left too. He liked the name Zeeanna, his little Anna - Banana. But not his little Zee, because there’s always too many little Zee’s in Willow as it is. It’s hard enough that I share my name with three others. You saw Zara-Grace and Zara-Hope already. So little Anna it is. And she does like bananas, ripe ones anyway. Which I thought was great, a way to finish off the Z’s and get back to the other letters of the alphabet.” Zara-Joy admitted with a bittersweet smile to Anna once Sulaimon finished dressing her before Zara-Joy put the distinctly Mizraim piece of jewelry onto Anna, coiling it around her chubby little upper arm as Zakira leaned against the door and fought back tears of the memory of Zahir talking about Anna-Bananna and how Zakira had laughed at how profoundly stupid that would be to name a daughter that as Zakira smiled bittersweetly at the memory and wiped the tears from her eyes before they could fall down her face and tried to regain her composure. 

“There, like proper Khandi.” Zara-Joy cooed to Anna once she finished putting the arm band around her upper arm. 

“Why did Wennet lead your people out of Mizraiem when she did?” Sulaimon asked. 

“Because in Wennet’s temple, it’s a place of peace, understanding and clairvoyance. Wenet could see there was going to be feud between who would be next to be Pharaoh over Mizraiem. And she could tell it would be futile. Princes were already trying to pit the gods themselves against one another in the pantheon. And Wenet didn’t want any part of it. So she led her most loyal of followers out. And led them to Willow. A valley, surrounded by tall mountains that look like just another arid wasteland on the outside. But such mountains held treasures for us. And she wanted to enjoy such treasures in peace, without anyone coming to conquer and take them away. That is why if you ever get to go to Willow, it looks like a piece of Mazraiem plucked right out of the Mizraiem Delta and plopped right into the Willow Valley. Because that’s what Wenet did for us, or at least, according to the ancestors. She at first, only transported her temple to Willow. And then, as more and more of Mazriam was taken up by the sands when the Old Kingdom of Mazraiem fell when there was the war of the Pharaohs, and thankfully she got to save some of the better houses and transport them to Willow for us to live in. Now granted the houses were made for the Mazraiem Delta, we’ve made them our own and to suit the weather and conditions in The Willow Valley. She even had all of the priestesses and priests and loyal followers put all of their most precious possessions into the temple itself so that they could flee Mazraiem with only food and clothing and tents for shelter, saying they needed to go out into the wilderness to go on a pilgrimage, and not be stopped. Which, according the ancestors, worked.” Zara-Joy recounted. 

“And then once they were safely out of Mazraiem, Wennet led them to the Valley of Willow herself, where she had already moved all of their houses and their gardens and even made off with one of the Pharaoh’s seed storehouses and his livestock. So for once, we could have our animals, breed and raise them with love and care, slaughter them as they got old to feed ourselves, but not before. Seeds and saplings and vines, so we could plant and grow our own food. And work for no one but ourselves. No more pyramids to build, no more elaborate burial rituals of the pharaohs and other nobles. And no more slavery, no more sacrifices to feed a never ending need to outdo the previous pharaoh before them. Just a place to worship in peace. To not toil under the sun and harvest food for the noble’s table while we were simply given bread and fish and oil, without having to brave crocodiles or hippos to get the fish in the first place.” Zara-Joy recalled with a fond smile. 

“The reason Zakira has the title of Musharif was because her ancestry came from the pharaoh’s household of servants, Musharif was the title held by the head of the banquet feast, making sure every dish that came out of the kitchens, whether it be served to pharaoh or one of his nobles, or guests, would be met with pleasure. And that has not been forgotten. The foods from Zakira’s house since Willow’s founding, have always been the best in all of Willow. She elevates simple, humble ingredients and elevates them to dishes worthy to be used as food offerings to any and every god worthy of them.” Zara-Joy praised. 

“Oh like your own confections do not deserve the same praise?” Zakira offered as she came out of the bathroom redressed in the outfit Zara-Joy had gotten her as Zara smiled while Sulaimon’s breath was practically pulled from his chest. Because Zakira was even more breathtaking. Which he didn’t think could be possible. But here he was, sitting down on the bed with Anna in his arms and smiling in awe while Anna giggled with glee to see her mom’s bashful smile at Zara-Joy’s praise. 

“Sometimes. It depends on the humidity.” Zara-Joy shrugged. 

“Here, I got you…” Zara said before she reached behind her and got out a special Masraiem style arm band that doubled as a bracelet and offered it to her friend as Zakira took it and smiled fondly at it before she put it over her wrist but refused any other makeup or jewelry. 

“Thank you for indulging me. You look beautiful.” Zara-Joy praised. 

“Agreed, very beautiful.” Sulaimon praised with a proud grin and realized as an afterthought that the teal on his own dress clothes matched hers and that made his heart beam with pride and happiness. Zakira spared Sulaimon an appreciative smile and decided to wear the perfume you had gotten her after all, just a small line down the center of her chest. 

Sulaimon tried to hide his deep breath in when he smelled the perfume but Zakira caught it and grinned to herself before she put a couple of the toys into her bag along with a few extra cloth diapers and things into it. 

“Well, dinner should be ready any time now.” Zara-Joy encouraged. 

“Here, let me get that.” Sulaimon offered as he reached out for Anna’s diaper bag to put on and wear for her, so Zakira didn’t have to carry it herself. Zakira got her own flower necklace on and dupatta before leaving with him, taking his arm as he escorted them back to the dining room. When they arrived all the girls and young women gasped softly and reached over to grab their friends, cousins and sisters as they shared an excited look and bright, excited smiles. 

“You look beautiful!” They all told Zakira as she walked by. 

“Thank you, a gift from Joy.” Zakira answered. 

“Aww!” They all fawned before reaching out to feel the silk of her skirt as she passed them. When she was done passing them they looked to Zara-Joy and gave her an appreciative smile for finally succeeding in getting her to wear a color other than black, even if it was just a skirt, it was still a small victory. 

Zakira and Sulaimon sat down at the very long table, and towards the end that had the other young mothers and widows as Sulaimon’s friends were practically doing the same thing he was, holding the daughters of the women they were escorting while they were in Willow. 

Although he could already see and feel all the romantic chemistry going off like fireworks among everyone else while he felt awkward because Zakira was not giving him any indication of any interest in him, other than platonic friendliness, as he felt more resistance than anything. But while he was attracted to her, he would respect that unconscious choice she had made and not pursue anything. But the conversation that Zakira engaged in was telling. She was proud of her home, and she was proud of her orchards and her vineyards and was very much looking forward to the harvest this year. And Sulaimon realized why she was resistant. She didn’t want to give up her freedom, independence and control up, which he could sympathize and empathize with. Because that’s why he had been resistant in the past, because he didn’t want to give up the lifestyle he had learned to like and appreciate up either. He liked his own freedom, independence and control over his own life, and his own finances and while he liked to come home to his family for the family dinners, and while the invitation was always open to move into the large suite of rooms that doubled as a home within his parent’s much larger home, he had liked his bachelorhood. Not that he would go out and stay out all night like he used to as a young cadet and soldier. But, that the option was always there. He liked having the ability to take on any assignment at the drop of a hat because he had no other obligations than his own work ones without a second thought about anything. 

“You’ve been quiet.” Zakira noticed when she noticed that Sulaimon, other than eating and listening to the conversation, didn’t add too much to it. 

“I’m just listening.” Sulaimon offered. 

“And you’re brooding.” Zakira realized. 

“I don’t mean to be.” Sulaimon replied apologetically. 

“No, you’re thinking, I can practically see and hear the gears in your head turning from here. What do you think?” Zakira asked. 

“About what?” Sulaimon asked. 

“Any of it? All of it? Something in particular that’s catching your attention?” Zakira asked. 

“How similar we are.” Sulaimon answered which got Zakira to blink in surprise as a small smile soon spread on her lips. 

“How so?” She asked. 

“You have a home that’s been in your family for generations since Willow’s founding, taken right from Masraiem. Your family, in that time has built up a lot. And you have a responsibility to all of it. To keep it safe and protected for Zeeanna. In Willow, you have full and complete control of everything. Your home, your fields, your vineyards, your orchards, your gardens. And traditions you feel you need to keep alive that have been passed down. And on top of that, you’re raising Anna all on your own when you thought you’d be sharing all of that with, with Zahir. Now you have to do it all by yourself. You’re a stronger person than most. You’ve strengthened your shoulders for such burdens, all while grieving. Most would have crumbled and been crushed by such things. And while you carry those burdens well, doesn’t mean that they’re not heavy. And it’s very admirable.” Sulaimon praised in a low murmur. 

“So how are we similar in that respect?” Zakira asked. 

“I’m the youngest Commander. I’m up for the position of being a General soon. And if I get it, I’ll be the youngest one to do so. It’s a lot of responsibility. And a burden that very few can comprehend, let alone wrap their heads around. You have a family legacy that you are doing everything you can to keep alive. And I can sympathise with that. Where you have fields, and orchards and vineyards, I have entire troops to care for and attend to myself. And I take that responsibility very seriously. And I’ve traded a “traditional” life for the one I have now. I moved out from my parents home as soon as the army could let me. I moved into the barracks and I never moved out. Granted I’ve moved around in the barracks, but other than my uniform and armor, I have all this freedom and independence to do what I want when I want, well, when I’m not following orders myself that is. And so far, I haven’t wanted to give that up for anything. And I don’t know how much Zara-Joy has told you about me. But because I’m a bachelor, I’m always getting set up on blind dates and all they see is decorated soldier, or they see my family’s legacy that everyone else in the family is keeping alive and building and adding onto, but me, because I wanted to have something of my own. And it came with a lot of responsibilities that I’ve had to strengthen my own shoulders to bear too. But I chose this and I chose my path and my job and my career. You haven’t. You haven’t had a choice in taking it all on and doing so all by yourself. You’re officially the strongest person I know.” Sulaimon offered as Zakira’s eyes got glassy but her smile was so sweet because she finally felt seen and felt sympathized and empathized with. 

“It’s a lonely life isn’t it?” Zakira noted.

“It is. On one hand I see all my siblings married with kids and have families. And I know that marital union can bring a lot of happiness. But it can also come with a lot of strife and a lot of problems and complications and obligations. And all my siblings see me and my singleness, and they see my freedom and independence and they get jealous…” Sulaimon confessed. 

“But they don’t see the responsibility and the burden and the loneliness.” Zakira finished for him. 

“Right. Exactly.” Sulaimon nodded. 

“Zara-Joy told me that you get set up on blind dates a lot. And that it’s always with girls who are privileged. And who are either after the glory of your military career, or your family’s status and wealth and think all they have to do is seduce a soldier and then never have to do much of anything else and that all their problems are over and that your family will take care of them. Which is why none of them have worked out. Because you don’t want a girl looking for an easy way out.” Zakira surmised. 

“Right again. Because the older I get, the more I realize that there are huge differences between a girl, a young woman, and a mature woman. The girls always have their heads filled with fairy tales and are looking for the whole, love at first sight, soul mate, perfect match kind of thing, which is honestly setting themselves up for failure. The young women, they are looking for security and looking to use their own beauty, or wealth or influence to get whatever they want, thinking that if they say the right things, do the right things, dress the right way, look the right way, it will come to them. But it’s the mature ones, who realize that if they want a life they want to live and do so happily, they have to build it themselves or someone else will build it for them and they may not like how it’s built for them by someone else. And if they’re going to share what they’ve built with someone, they want it to be the right person who appreciates them and sees the value in what they’ve built and appreciates the work it took to make it that way.” Sulaimon noted as Zakira was impressed that he was mature and smart enough to put that together. 

“I’ve always heard the saying “what are you bringing to the table”. And when I was younger, I thought I had a lot to bring. The older I get, the more I realize that it’s the table itself that’s the most important part. Is the table well made? Is the table made with good and sturdy materials? Was it built with time, and careful effort and planning and actually hand crafted? Or was it just slapped together at the last minute and wonky and unstable and the moment you put anything on it, it’s all gonna slide right off or fall apart at the first test of how much the table can hold. And so far, I like to think I’ve built a decent table for myself. Granted some of the materials used were from my family and the style is similar. But I’ve had to build it none the less. And then once it was built, I’ve had it stacked and piled high and sometimes, feels overflowing and cluttered, when it’s not bare or being rebuilt to handle more and more weight and loads in the first place.” Sulaimon tried to illustrate. 

“Exactly. And if you’re going to join your table with someone else’s, you want the table to be the same height as your own. And you want it to be just as strong and just as well made and just as sturdy as your own. You want help to keep it decluttered, but you don’t want to shove everything you have onto someone else or have everything on someone else’s table shoved onto yours so theirs is cleared for lavish meals while yours is piled high with work.” Zakira surmised. 

“Yes! Exactly right.” Sulaimon practically laughed and beamed because finally, finally, someone understood it. 

“Well, then you’re right. We are very similar and have a lot in common. I always thought my table, was the family’s table. And then when there was no family. Suddenly, I had to take ownership of it. And then realize what was broken, what was needing work and realizing that it’s just too big of a table to handle by myself, when I always thought I’d only be taking up a chair at the end of it. Not the one at the head of it. And the head chair at the head of a big, long table, that’s had generations of crap put onto it, it’s cluttered and disorganized and overwhelming. But if I’m going to adjoin my table with anyone else’s I’d want help with it. And not simply hand it all over so that anyone else can do whatever they want to it, or break it apart and use it for firewood.” Zakira confessed. 

“Or use it as a cutting board. Or take a hacksaw to it and cut it and resize it how they want it, and not realize it’s built that way for a reason. Not for the looks, but for function.” Sulaimon muttered. 

“Or think that it’s all for show and it’s meant to be embellished with fancy engravings and set up to look like it’s always full with a feast, but all the dishes are empty. And it’s never meant to be used or eaten from, always meant to be ornamental.” Zakira murmured back. 

“Exactly. Because, while those fancy and elaborate tables are pretty. That’s all they are. They have no strength, integrity or function besides being looked at for how pretty it is, but the moment you put any kind of weight on it, it’ll fall apart and break.” Sulaimon nodded in agreement. 

“Or one that will look at the feast you’ve made for yourself on that table and help themselves to it, and pull up a chair without an invitation and without bringing a dish to add. And then once they’ve eaten, won’t even help wash any of the dirty dishes or help clean up after either.” Zakira added. 

“Or worse yet, assume that they should sit at the head of that table that you slaved over, making every dish delicious and think they should eat first and eat their fill and leave nothing for the person, who actually made the food in the first place, when in reality, if you’re hungry, work, get ingredients and learn how to cook it yourself. Because the first thing I teach my soldiers is how to cook for themselves and how to forage for themselves and how to tell what is good and safe water or not, or how to clean the water in the first place. Let alone, how to cook. I see more and more incompetence and that incompetence being weaponized because such work is “beneath them”. Which is frankly, stupid. Because if one is hungry, they have two hands, they can make it themselves. And if they still depend on their mothers for such things, they might as well still be in diapers and sucking on their thumbs and not in my army, let alone my platoons.” Sulaimon professed and Zakira’s jaw was practically on the floor as her smile of delight was like sunshine. Because if she had thought Sulaimon was handsome before, he was practically the sexiest man she had ever laid her eyes on since Zahir for having that attitude alone. And she practically had to stop herself from grabbing him by the whiskers and kissing him right there at the table. 

Oh, when Zara-Joy said, that besides, Lomi, Sulaimon was practically the best man in the Crown City, she was not kidding. 

“What?” Sulaimon asked as he looked at her as she seemed to have something turn alight in her.

“I…wow. I completely agree. I want to meet your mom and thank her for raising one hell of a good son. Because I realize you’re a grown man. But yes! A thousand times yes! You have no idea how infuriating that can be! Everyone in Willow, ever since we settled there has always gone on and on and on about how great the food at our home was and always praised my mother for her cooking skills when it wasn’t that at all. My parents were equals in the household and always did everything together. It wasn’t my mother that was doing all the cooking and cleaning. It was both of them doing those things together, both of my parents were always in the kitchen with everyone else, everyone learned how to cook, everyone, once they were weaned, learned how to keep their room clean and then learned how to help make the rest of the house clean. How to mend clothes, how to cook, how to judge whether something was ripe or not. What to look for in ripe or unripe foods and how to pick your spices and how to blend them and grind them, and usually the more delicious the food, the more preparations went into it and how satisfying it is to do the work and then all come around and share a meal that everyone had a hand in making. And doing so as a team that made their marriage and every marriage before, a success. Because that’s part of why Wennet had us break off from Masaier, because she saw how it was the women that did all the work but the men got all the fruitages of their work and assumed that because they worked outside the home, that that exempted them from doing anything in the home. Wow. Just…wow. I’m astounded that we have that much in common. Good for you for figuring that out, and if going through military training is a requirement, I hope you get to teach every man here and far beyond that lesson. Cause that lesson alone will bring them so much peace and pleasure and satisfaction, not only in their tents but especially when they get home and really see how much labor goes into those things.” Zakira praised. 

“Well I mean if you really want to meet her, I can let them know. I’m sure they’d love to meet you and you could exchange recipes if you wanted.” Sulaimon offered. 

“I would love that.” Zakira smiled happily as she finally seemed to lower the last of her guard and for once, ate to her own satisfaction and enjoyed all the flavors of all the various dishes as Sulaimon walked her through the traditional favorites as they bonded over food, and how to cook said food. And especially how to do laundry. And especially about how to be a self-sufficient adult. 

After dinner, there was a series of games played, the biggest one being ‘cahoots’ that after the second round, Sulaimon was quick to catch on what the key was before Zakira let him whisper what he thought it was into her ear as she nursed Anna on a nearby couch, using her dupatta to maintain some modesty as Sulaimon was happy to sit next to her and help tuck it around her and between them so that Anna could nurse in peace and Zakira could do so with some modesty, which Zakira really appreciated. 

“Yup. You got it.” Zakira smiled happily that he caught on that fast as his whisper sent a delightful shiver down her body. 

“Sorry, whiskers.” Sulaimon apologized when he saw her skin break out in gooseflesh. 

“It’s ok.” Zakira waived off as now she really just enjoyed the sound of his voice as her imagination of how his mouth would feel on her skin while she felt a bit guilty about the thought and fantasy before she hissed a gasp and clenched her jaw before she pulled the cover out to fix her daughter with a look. 

“You bite- you’re done.” Zakira threatened Anna who didn’t seem to like that her view of Sulaimon was obstructed as she looked from her mother to Sulaimon. 

“Anna, no biting Mommy. You bite her, you’re not gonna nurse. Mommy’s body worked hard to make that milk. Don’t bite her.” Sulaimon repeated as he peeked in and locked gazes with her too. 

Anna’s eyes got a bit wide as she then looked from him to her mom with a look of shock. 

“Yeah, you need to listen. We mean it. If you’re hungry, eat. But if you’re gonna bite, you’re not gonna nurse and I’ll just wean you early. I’m not having you bite me on the one of two places you can get milk from.” Zakira leveled before Anna seemed to take a minute to think it over before she picked up nursing.

“Thanks for backing me up.” Zakira thanked him. 

“Of course, always. A mother knows best right?” Sulaimon offered with an easy smile. 

“Yeah, but it’s always great to have back up and support. You have a really nice balance between soft but still firm and authoritative tone to your voice.” Zakira praised. 

“Comes with years of practice and imitating my brothers and brothers in law and my dad.” Sulaimon chuckled softly. 

“Oh, so not something you learned in the army?” Zakira gently teased. 

“No. I learned many things in the army. And I’ve fought my battles. But I’ve also watched my nieces and nephews and it was practically mutiny, because it was just me against at least a dozen of them. I was outmatched and outnumbered and they knew it and took full advantage at first. Thankfully my brothers and brothers in law and my dad have helped me since as well as my sisters and sisters in law. How to be firm, but not harsh. How to be patient but not a pushover. How to be kind but not do them the disservice of spoiling them to the point that they think they’re the masters and thinking they’re in charge and you’re their servant to do their bidding. That doesn’t work. That the parent, or in my case, the adult- and uncle was. I can command a legion of a thousand soldiers, no problem, and lead them head first into battle, no sweat. A dozen kids all at once? It’s a juggling act, only you’re juggling swords that are all out of balance, and on fire and everything is made of paper. A disaster in the making. Just…chaos. No order, all anarchy and mutiny. Well, at first. The more I do it, the better I get at it. Now, it can get a bit hectic, but not as chaotic as it was at first. It was a lesson in humility, I’ll tell you that. I thought I was pretty hot stuff when I made Captain and had my own troop of a hundred soldiers. But that was nothing, those kids brought me to my knees and practically begging for mercy and trying to turn myself into a eunuch just so I wouldn’t have any myself.” Sulaimon readily confessed which got Zakira to laugh. 

“Did you succeed? Did you actually go through with it and chop your own balls off?” Zakira asked in that same teasing tone which got Sulaimon to grin and grow just a bit bashful.  

“No. Tempted. But no. But once I learned how to be the adult in charge and how to wield my authority over those kids without making all of them cry and sob for being too harsh or sharp in tone with them, it got better. And then once I showed them, I was in charge and proved I was in charge and that they could scream and cry all they wanted, I wasn’t going to budge and give them an inch because I knew they could take a mile, and got to talk it out and help them use their words instead of their mouths or claws to express themselves, then it got much better. I’m pretty sure half my battle scars are from them anyway.” Sulaimon revealed. 

“Well at least for Anna’s sake, you’ve learned that much at least.” Zakira offered before Anna drained that breast and began to climb to the other. 

“Ok, ok, hold your horses.” Zakira placated as she put one breast away and readjusted herself to put Anna to the other breast to nurse as Sulaimon tried to help her change her dupatta to keep her modest. 

“Would you mind putting your arm up and around my shoulders?” Zakira asked before he readily lifted his arm simply had her lean into his side before he, oh so gently and slowly let his arm settle around her shoulders before she seemed to relax and use his arm as a head rest as she led her head rest over his well muscled arm as her eyelids got heavier and heavier. 

“Do you need to lay down?” He asked. 

“Nah, just…I get tired every time she nurses.” Zakira admitted. 

“The night is young. Once everyone figures out cahoots, then it’s on to…psh…any number of games. It’s when I’m waiting for Bullshit.” Zakira smiled as her eyes closed serenely. 

“Excuse me?” Sulaimon asked. 

“Oh it’s where you tell two truths and a lie. And everyone else has to figure out which is the line of bullshit, or the lie. It’s really fun, because the more you go, you can’t use the same three things, and then you really have to get creative to use in the game. And some people are easy to read and you can very easily tell which one is the lie.” Zakira offered. 

“But you should ace that game. Humans have very expressive faces. You should catch on pretty quick, cause everyone has their little things that either they do with their faces or tells in what they do or how they hold themselves. Others, you’d swear all of them are the truth and others you’re pretty sure all of them are the lie. It works best when there’s alcohol involved because then the truths and the lies get more outlandish. But then that’s when you really get to the really good stuff too.” Zakira smiled as she relaxed and breathed a breath of relief to finally get the overfull ache from her breasts from milk released. 

“Well, then I’ll give you a secret to use against us rakshasi, kajit and tabaxi and catfolk in general.” 

“Ears and tail thwaps?” Zakira guessed. 

“Well, yeah, there’s subtleties to it. And yes, there’s expressions in both. Body language, posture and fidgeting tell on us just as much.” Sulaimon divulged. 

“So that thwapping that guy is doing with his tail on the floor over there, that’s irritation and frustration?” Zakira guessed as she didn’t even bother opening her eyes, just turned her head and nodded to the sound before settling back in. 

“Yup.” He admitted before Zakira cracked an eye open. 

“Black tiger with white stripes, his tail is rattling like a rattle snake. What’s that?” She asked as she nodded over to him. 

“Oh that’s excitement and happiness.” Sulaimon revealed. 

“And the one with lazy flicking, boredom?” Zakira guessed. 

“That or thinking, usually serious thought.” Sulaimon gently corrected. 

“Ah, so what are you seriously thinking about then?” Zakira asked once she noticed Sulaimon’s tail do the same as it laid next to him and the tip slowly flicked back and forth. 

“What I want to make you for lunch or dinner when we go to my parent’s house whenever I get the message to them.” 

“Mmm. I see.” Zakira nodded as she closed her eyes again. 

“What should I bring?” She asked. 

“Nothing, you’d be the guest.” 

“Yeah, that’s not gonna cut it. I don’t eat at tables where I’m not allowed to add anything to. If your parents open up their home, I should be a gracious guest right? How do I do that?” Zakira asked. 

“Show up.” He admitted. 

“And?” Zakira prodded as Sulaimon took a deep breath in and slowly let it exhale as he had to think about it as the flicking of his tail got a little faster. 

“Honestly, they’d be happy to meet you and have you and show their own hospitality. So, you really don’t need to bring anything but yourself and Anna.” Sulaimon repeated. 

“Fine, spice mix it is, I’ll put strip peppers in it.” Zakira replied with a shrug and a smug grin. 

“Oh no, Zara-Joy already had me try those. Way too spicy for the kids.” Sulaimon quickly shook his head no, while his eyes went wide with fear. 

“There’s more than one kind. Some of them are as sweet as cherry tomatoes, others are the spiciest thing to put in your mouth and would tempt you to strip your clothes off and in your case, shave your fur off. I’d use the mild ones. They have just enough kick to tingle the lips but not burn. But they have really good flavor. Of course, I guess I could just give them some seeds to them too, if the kids eat the spice level that tonights meal was served at, they’ll like it just fine, if anything I think the kids would giggle to feel the tingle.” She mused. 

“Ok, that would be quite good then. They would love that.” Sulaimon had to admit. 

“Figured.” She grinned before Anna finished nursing and was halfway into Suliamon’s chest before Zakira could even get her breast back into her top, but Sulaimon was ready and able to get her with his one free arm. 

“There, better now you got a full belly?” He asked as he let her sit on his arm and use her arms up on his chest before he noticed the milk still around her mouth began to drip down, and without thinking, he licked her mouth clean which got Anna to squeal and wiggle and bounce in delight while Sulaimon tried not to get milk drunk himself because while he was nursed as a baby, he hadn’t gotten any since weaning and Zakira’s was…way too delicious. 

But the act got Zakira to laugh as she finished putting her breast and pulled the dupatta off from being wrapped around her chest and moved the pillow that Anna had laid on to keep her arms from having to hold Anna’s full weight while she drank. 

“Good?” Zakira asked Sulaimon before his ears laid down bashfully. 

“Yeah, it’s milk.” Sulaimon sheepishly offered with a shrug. 

“Mmmhmm.” Zakira hummed as she giggled through her nose. 

“Whose ready for Bullshit?” Zakira asked the group that was still in a circle in the living room. 

“I am!” All of the visitors from Willow began before Zakira got in and sat down on the pillow she had been using for Anna as the group let them into the circle as Sulaimon sent a message home that he would be bringing his protectee, Zakira and her daughter over to the house for a meal. 

“You go first Zakira.” They urged her. 

“Ok, 1. Anna has never pooped and threw up on me at the same time. 2. My house has the pantheon of Marsaier’s gods carved and painted on the walls. 3. There were 177 dunes of sand visible from the north side of the road between Willow and The Crown City.” 

“Three’s bullshit!” Almost all of them answered. 

“Nope. One. Anna was only four months old when she puked and pooped on me in bed at the same time.” Zakira proudly proclaimed as everyone laughed while groaning at the same time at how disgusting that was. 

“Why’d you count the dunes?” Sulaimon asked. 

“Boredom.” Zakira shrugged. 

“Your turn.” Zakira urged Sulaimon. 

“Oh um. 1. I was the youngest captain and youngest commander to be appointed in King Amit’s Army. 2. I have been on over 100 blind dates since I was appointed as a Captain that never resulted in a second date, 3 is… I have 216 weapons, six sets of armor but only 4 sets of the army uniform.” He proposed. 

“Number 2 is bullshit.” Most of them suggested. 

“Nah, I’m calling 3 bullshit, there’s no way you only have four sets of the uniform. But I believe all the other numbers are correct.” Zakira said. 

“That’s true. I only have three sets of the uniform.” Sulaimon admitted. 

“How?!” All the other soldiers asked. 

“Less to wash and dry myself. Otherwise my rank is a pin to pin into the shoulders of the regular uniform.” Sulaimon shrugged. 

“How do you have 216 weapons?!” Most of the people of Willow asked. 

“Yes.” Sulaimon confirmed. 

“Why so many sets of armor?” The others asked. 

“Well, there’s the regular training armor, the testing armor, the official deployment armor, which comes with a spare and then a formal fancy set for official ceremonies and then the last one is worn specifically for coronations.” Sulaimon listed off. 

“Why only three sets of the uniform?” Zakira asked. 

“One being worn, the second is dirty and in soapy water, soaking so the dirt and dust gets out of it before I can finish washing them when I’m done training for the day, the second is already up and drying in the sun, ready to be worn the next day.” Sulaimon smiled proudly.

“Simplicity and complexity, I like it.” Zakira smiled approvingly. 

“Thanks.” He nodded before he got a message back from his parents. 

“What’s that? New marching orders?” Zakira asked. 

“No, I sent a message home about your interest in meeting my mother. They want to have you over for lunch or even dinner tomorrow.” Sulaimon offered. 

“Oh, uh, which is better for them?” Zakira asked. 

“Either or, your choice.” Sulaimon. 

“Lunch is more informal.” Zakira decided. 

“Lunch it is then.” Sulaimon nodded and wrote down her reply and gave it back to the messenger. 

“I’ll need to go to the Spice District tomorrow morning then.” Zakira urged him. 

“We will definitely do that then.” Sulaimon readily agreed. 

After games, they all started to get sleepy and Sulaimon walked Zakira, the moment they tried to part, Anna began to cry like she was being tortured in between trying to nurse to go to bed. 

So once she had nursed her fill but still cried incessantly, Zakira finally caved and called Sulaimon into the room. 

“Sulaimon, Help.” Zakira said tiredly as she was sitting in bed, propped up by pillows and was near tears herself because of how exhausted she was from the rollercoaster of the ride the day was. 

“I got her.” Sulaimon reassured her as he quickly slipped into the room, the only sign he had done so, being the white of his shorts and the way the light reflected off of the back of his iris’ as he fought not to practically get into bed with her and hold her too. So he picked Anna up from Zakira’s arms and pulled her into his own as her cries started to lesson considerably. 

“Sweetheart, it’s time for bed. Come on now. Your Mommy’s had a very long and tiring day. We need to sleep.” He said before he cradled Anna into his own chest as Sulaimon paced the room, making sure to stay in the low lights coming into it from the windows so that Zakira could still watch him if she felt she needed to as he just kept purring, rocking and humming to Anna as Zakira gave him an appreciative smile and rearranged the pillows to simply lay back and tried to get some rest in the bed, even as attractive as the sight of a half naked Sulaimon was in the low moonlight. 

Anna fought sleep and kept an iron grip on his fur on his chest and neck in her fists and refused to let go, even in light sleep. But Sulaimon was undeterred and kept with it, keeping his humming soft and kept his purring loud enough to settle Anna further into sleep as he walked around the room but mostly stayed to the foot of the bed. Once Anna finally slipped into deeper sleep and finally loosened her grip did he pull her hands off of his fur and kissed them sweetly nonetheless before kissing her temple as he changed his hold on her carefully so that she was laying down in his arms rather then on his chest but kept her close to make sure she wouldn’t wake up, she still turned and curled up to his chest, even in sleep and tried to grab at the shorter fur of his chest. But once she slipped back into a deep sleep again, her hold fading again, did he finally stop humming the lullaby’s his mother always sang and hummed to him and his siblings growing up. 

“There. Get some sleep Zakira.” He breathed as he passed her back into Zakira’s hold in the bed. 

“Thank you Sulaimon.” She thanked him as she grabbed his hand and kissed the back of it gratefully as she put Anna snuggly next to her in the bed and curled her whole body around her daughter. 

Sulaimon smiled softly and fondly before he left the room and closed the new door as quietly and softly as he could. 

Then he pulled a blanket and a pillow and pulled the chaise lounge that was at the bottom of his own bed and put it right on the other side of the door, not wanting to be any farther than he had to be from them as he kept an ear out for any noise inside the room. 

Once he was asleep himself Wennet herself, taking the form of a lilac bunny, seemed to slip into the room by shadows. She considered him and was pleased by his efforts to be respectful to Zakira and mindful of her needed space yet protective enough to even guard her door at night and granted him very restful sleep, even as little of it that he would be getting. That even though he would only be sleeping for a handful of hours, that his sleep would be as restful and restorative to him as if he would be getting more than a dozen and granted him very pleasant dreams and hints at his future so he would remained patient, kind, and focused during the day. She also granted the same to Zakira, sensing how much Zakira needed the same while also blessing her with pleasant, enlightening and inspiring dreams as well so that her heart and mood would be lightened and she would be much more conducive to letting go of her pain, sorrow, anger and hurt and actually accept Sulaimon’s attention and affection and love and return it and come back to her former, happier self before she slipped out of the room and went around to the others who had come to The Crown City from Willow. It wasn’t too long before Anna had woken up as well and started to fuss which immediately woke up Sulaimon, his eyes snapping open and he immediately sat up and moved to get up and back into the room but then he heard Zakira’s gentle singing and humming and he couldn’t help but gasp softly at it’s ethereal beauty. Then he paid close attention to hear that she was humming and singing the same lullabies that Sulaimon had sung earlier. But coming from her, they sounded better than they ever could have. His heart melted as he swooned and laid back down, now that Anna had quieted down and let Zakira’s voice lull him back to sleep.

#Monster March #Monster March 2023 #Monster March 2023 Day 20- Humanoid Cat #Rakshasa #The Ruby Empire Fanfiction #With @momolady's permission of course

[khonshus-stardust]

I'm Not Jealous

Pairings: Khonshu x Reader, (Slight) Marc Spector x Reader

Warnings: SMUT, nipple play, size kink, possessiveness (it’s Khonshu), use of toys, cum play, blow job, oral (male receiving)

Word Count: 3974

Summary: You're his. He's made this clear the last time you've interacted and ended up in your bed. It was your mistake though, thinking if you fuck him that'll ease him off. Nope, his possessive self is raging full two thousand percent. He makes himself clear once more this night. You'll be calling out for work for the next… week. There's no chance of you walking even to kitchen, let alone your car.

Author Note: Hey guys, sorry about the delay on writing stuff. I caught a mild case of Covid but it still made me super sleepy and tried. Plus, my chest was hurting. Anyhow, this is kind of an add-on to 'Jealousy? What Jealousy?' It can be read without reading that but it would always be nice to check out more Khonshu smut. There's not enough of that anywhere. That's why I'm fixing that problem.

Masterlist

Ao3

Part 2

Younglings, take your asses out of here. Go play with your dolls. This isn't the story you were looking for.

Smut below the cut

Slender arms wrapped around your waist, rousing you from your slumber. A groan rumbled in the back of your throat. One of your hands slithered up to feel rough clothe attached to the limbs encasing you. You lightly shifted your body, turning the other direction, and buried your face into familiar feeling cloth.

The chest you were snuggled up against vibrated. A deep voice washing over you, nearly lolling you back to sleep. That when you heard another voice. It felt like cotton was in your ears. Man, how tired were you? You muttered the noises to be quiet and curled more into a ball. They needed to leave you alone so you could fall back asleep for a good day or so.

Yet, your mumbled words seemed to make to situation worse. Both eyes groggily blinked up to see a dirty gold crescent moon staring at you. Huh? Khonshu? Wha…? You pulled your head further back to find the god in front of you, on his side, arms wrapped securely around you. His skull resting carefully on top of yours.

Well, this was new. “Khon? Why are you in my bed? While I’m sleeping?” you questioned and went to sit up when the moon god wouldn’t allow for that. His arms tightened and kept you snug to his chest.

“I sensed a disturbance and found Marc sneaking into your apartment. He tried to get in your room while you were sleeping. I was merely protecting you, Stardust,” Khonshu defended, voice vibrating his chest. It’s not that you would complain about cuddles, especially with him but you still had some nerves.

Mention man scoffed and raised a brow at Khonshu’s words. “I’ve been told its okay to crash here whenever. I was just trying to see if they were awake. You should know Khonshu how much of a night owl they are,” Marc argued and gestured with his arms to make his point. You were able to fight against Khonshu’s hold to sit up.

Said god moved with you. You were promptly pulled into his lap, long arms wrapped around your waist to keep you close to him. What were you going to do with him? You tiredly rubbed at your eyes and stared over at Marc. “Khon, he’s fine. He literally has a key to my place for that reason,” you sided with Marc.

Khonshu made a noise of disagreement, head turned to the side. Then he moved so his beak was right next to his ear. “You shouldn’t have given him a key.” This time, you rolled your eyes and fought him to get up.

“We’re good friends, Khonshu. Of course I gave him a key.” It was far too early to be arguing like this. First, you needed some sort of energy substance to keep your eyes at least open before entraining this whole situation. You yawned and walked past Marc. He turned with you and followed you out.

The next moment, wind whooshed around the room. Khonshu stood in the kitchen, staff in hand. “I thought we got over the whole jealousy thing, love? I thought you took that out on me two nights ago?” you questioned. That night was wonderful but you thought it would help the problem not make it worse by the way it seems.

Out of the corner of your eye, Marc tensed up, eyes wide. “I thought that was a nightmare,” he shuttered. You raised a brow at him then chuckled.

“It wasn’t that bad. You’ve probably seen worse,” you countered and poured yourself a cup of water. Your words may say you’re nonchalant about what happened but… the heat rising to your cheeks said otherwise. That night… you wouldn’t believe it happened if it wasn’t bruises on your hips and thighs.

A glare was set on you from the man. “Still a nightmare.” You took a large gulp of water and looked at Khonshu not too far away. He stood tall, a tight grasp on his staff and beak facing you. His gaze was set heavily on you, you felt it. “I don’t know how you could even do that with him.”

“It’s simple. You humans do it all the time to procreate,” Khonshu stated and walked behind you.

“That’s not what I meant! Wait, were you trying to… knock them up?” Marc whispered that last part, eyes wide as he stared at the two of you. “Can you even do that?” Both of your faces are blushing heavily at his words. He did not just ask that. But that last question now makes you concerned. You weren’t on any birth control, not needing it for anything. Yet, if he could, a new whole problem would be created.

The god places a gentle hand on your shoulder, fingers on the cusp of pressing into your skin. “No, I wasn’t. And I can’t, to my knowledge,” he answered and pulled you close to him. His body now pressed against yours. “That shouldn’t be any of your concern anyhow, Marc.”

Whisps of anger slowly appeared on said human’s face. “It is my concern, Khonshu. They’re my friend. And you’re just an old, dead, bird god that’s an ass to me more times that I can count,” he growled and took a couple of threatening steps up to the two of you. Your brows furrowed at the action yet surprise sparkled in your eyes.

“A friend you say, but your actions say otherwise.” Khonshu leaned over you and put his beak right in front of Marc’s face. “Why are you so angry? They can choose who they want to have intercourse with.” He had a point that neither of you could counter.

Marc angrily stared up at the tall god, silently. The two kept the quiet as you slowly sipped at your water. You felt yourself beginning to wake the longer you watched these two.

To be honest, it was hilarious to see these two argue from time to time. It was always one thing after another with them. But they always got the job done in the end it seems. “Are you two done bickering? I want to get some drawings in before I have to go work,” you butted in and stepped away from them. Both turned their heads towards you as you moved.

“We’re not bickering,” they stated sternly at the same time. You could only giggle at their antics and start a path back to your room, hips swaying noticeably.

“That says otherwise,” you said over your shoulder and was about to enter your room. When you suddenly ran into a cool body. Confused, your followed up from the stomach to find Khonshu before. You hated when he did that out of the blue. You gazed at him, a brow raised. “You’re not helping your situation, babes.”

You took a step to the side to get around him but he mimicked your movements. “Marc?” Khonshu questioned, voice rumbling in his chest. “What do you say?”

It was only silence behind you. What does that mean? You were about to turn your head when he finally spoke up. “If you’re willing to share,” he growled out and marched over to you, only a couple of steps behind you. “And if they’re okay with it.” They were acting like you weren’t right between them.

“I’m sorry but what are you two inferring while I’m right here? Because I’m fucking clueless,” you said with a hip jutted out and a hand resting on it. Someone’s own was placed on top of yours. You were pulled back to a warm chest. An arm slithered around your waist, a warm breath tickling the back of your neck. But you did not question or fear who it was. “Marc.”

“You’ve fucked the mummy bird. Would you like to have a turn with me? I promise you’ll be taken care of,” Marc whisper lowly into your ear. This couldn’t be happening. He was asking that of you. You laughed internally at the way of how described Khonshu.

One of you hands came up and rested over top of the arm around your waist. His warmth slowly seeping into your bones. “That’s not the deal, Marc,” Khonshu growled in front of you. Nimble fingers grasped your bicep and tried to pull you from the man’s hold. It didn’t work. Two begin to tug at you. “They’re mine.”

Your brows fell as annoyance filled your veins. With a groan, you pushed at the two, effectively moving them away from you. They gazed at you in shock. Khonshu returning to his full stance. You turned to fully face Marc, a soft smile on your lips. “Could we talk about this later? But I wouldn’t mind having a turn with you.”

Marc’s hard façade cracked into a minute smile. You stepped close and kissed him on the cheek. That completely broke him. “Alright fine. I’ll leave… let you two talk this out,” Marc stated and stared at you for a few extra seconds. Then, he took his leave.

The moment the door closed with a soft click, arms wrapped around you. A yelp accidently escaped you as you were promptly lifted off of your feet. “Khon! Why do you have to be so possessive sometimes? Or should I say jealous?” you teased and felt yourself land on the bed on your back.

Mention god crawled on top of your form. “I’m not jealous, little one. It’s just, you’re mine,” he growled and spread your legs, moving to be between them. One of your brows raised at his antics. You laughed at his words though and shook your head. “It’s the truth, Stardust.”

“So what was that deal I heard mentioned? Have the two of you talked about having a threesome?” you decided to get it out of the way. It’s all you could think of when you heard that.

To be honest, if they have been discussing those types of things, you couldn’t feel opposed. It felt like it would truly satisfy you in a strange way. You gazed up at lean god above you and waited for his response. But Khonshu stopped what he was doing and just stared down at you. One of his hands resting gentle on your sternum. “I won’t be mad if you had been.”

His stiff body deflated as if he releasing a breath, he sighed. “I see the way you look at him. I don’t want to let you go. I want you as mine…. But yes, we’ve made conversation about it a couple of times.” He paused his words to let that hand on you move up to gentle grasp your chin. “Would you like that? With him?”

Shock surged through your veins yet you refused to let it appear on your face. The times you’ve been around his stagnant personality, you’ve never seen him this soft before. You smiled at this. “I’ll have to talk with him then the three of us but I wouldn’t mind. I kinda like that stuff, mentally at least,” you stated in return and began to feel a little self-conscience about what you had said. Your shoulders bunched up, head slightly lowered.

Khonshu seemed to make a strange purr/growl noise at this. “You would love to be used by us. Wouldn’t you, Stardust?” The sound and his words made you squeak yet you felt yourself getting wetter. He chuckled at your reaction and moved that hand from your chin to where your shirt ended. You barely nodded your head, letting him remove your shirt and bra from you.

His thumb soft rubbed over your nipple. You shivered at the feeling and let a hand touch his chest. “I know a few things he could do for that I cannot do in this form. What do you say? Let him suck on your breasts? Or maybe eat you out? Let him eat you like a thirsty man far from the Nile? Would you let him do that to you?” His free hand started at your knee and began to slowly roam up.

Another shiver raked your form. Your nails tug into the rough cloth that covered his chest, eyes softly closing on their own. The god chuckled, beak close to your ear. “I asked you question, Stardust.” The gentle ministrations turned a little harsh. He pinched the nipple he was playing with. You gasped, eyes flying open to peer up at him.

“Yes, Khonshu, yes! I would,” you confessed, hands gripping at what was in reach. His moving hand stopped at your hip, fingers pressing into the flesh there.

Gods, you wanted him to fuck you like how he did last time. Inside his own thoughts, he was thinking the same damn thing. Seeing you blissed out, sweat covering your skin. Maybe he’ll cover you with cum. That would mark you as his.

Only his.

He wished he had a tongue just to taste you but he can use Marc. That’s what he’s for. A hum sounded from him. “Good, Little Bug, good. We’ll set something up. But for right now-“ both hands now gripped at your waist band and pulled- “you’re mine. I’ll show you.”

Your pants were promptly removed from you. Same as your underwear. Everything seemingly thrown hazardously into the darkening room. The sun soon to set.

Each leg was spread wide to accommodate the large being before you. Even as lean as he is, he still was bigger than a human. That thought made you silently keen. His hand rested on your mound, thumb drawing light circles around your clit. Not this again! You just wanted him to fuck you. “Khon, just fuck me. Please. No more teasing,” you begged and played the puppy dog eyes on him. It usual worked on him.

This time was completely different than that.

A chuckle sounded from the moon god and he shook his head. “I was able to get you to come once before I even fucked you. How about two times?” his words rolled over you like melting butter. Your eyes widened at that, brows furrowing.

“But, Khon… I-I, it’s hard for me to come more than once. That was luck last time. I don’t think I’ll be able to this time,” you confessed and pulled your arms to your chest, heart thumping against its boney cage.

If the god could, he would’ve raised a nonchalant brow at this. Hm. If that’s the case, he might need more than just his fingers and cock. He wanted to ensure you were comfortable and confident. That’s biggest part on making you come, let alone the three times he wants at least.

He sat up, hands resting on your thighs. “You already sent Marc away so I’ll have to be creative.” Even with a face that cannot move, you could hear the smirk in his voice. That made you worried on what he had up his sleeve and tilted your head. He didn’t say anything else.

The bed creaked under his weight. Khonshu stretched a long arm and pulled open your second nightstand drawer. Fear and embarrassment filled your veins. “Wait!” you called. He placed a hand on sternum and forced you still. How does he know? Yeah check the first one but he completely bypassed that and went for…

Metal squeaked quietly. The hand on your chest let his thumb softly run over one of you nipples, slightly distracting me. You tried to wiggle to stop him. “There’s nothing in there! No reason to op-“ Khonshu pulled out a pink vibrator.

Blood flushed to your instantly, hands grasping at the sheets below. All you could do was pathetically stare at the object he held in front of you. “I’ll have this to help me.” He set it off to the side and plucked something else from the drawer. Nipple clamps. Gods, you hoped the ground opened up and swallowed you whole.

You used your hands to cover your blushing face. A groan sounded from the back of your throat. But a sudden thought hit you. “How did you even know those were there?” You refused to uncover, surviving in the darkness.

The god chuckled. “I have my secrets,” is all he gave to you before setting both objects to the side. Khonshu returned to his former position. One thumb teasing your nipple, the other circling around your clit. A soft gasp coming from you.

Before you could let yourself fully embrace the feeling he was pushing you towards, you were able to place a hand on his shoulder. “Wait, wait. Khon, can you…” you trailed off, unable to fully say what you want.

“Can I what? Come, Little Bug. Tell your god what you want.” Both of his hands didn’t slow, still keeping a constant, even pressure.

Words failed you. How could you ask such a thing from anyone? Let alone him! You bit your lip, hand fiddling with rough texture of his clothing. His own on your chest moved back up to your chin and grasped it. “You can tell me, Stardust.”

With a deep breath and a moment of hesitance, you spoke your mind, voice quiet. “Ca-can you let me see…” Come on, you can do this! It’s just Khonshu. “Your dick, please.” You were finally able to get off of your chest. His head quirked to the side.

“Is that what got you all nervous? You wanting to see your gods cock? You don’t need to be so embarrassed about it, Stardust. I’ll happily show you.” The hand on your chin was removed and headed towards what could be considered his belt. With nimble fingers, the strange looking belt was removed from his waist.

Once that was dropped, he messed with the wrappings that covered that area. Yet, when he pulled his flaccid, cream-colored cock out, your lips pressed together.

Since he was kneeling between your open legs, the god was within reach. Without another word, your hand easily grasped the only part of him that looked like flesh. A purr/growl noise rumbled in his chest, movements stuttering. You smirked at this and gave him a decent squeeze. He bowed his skull, beak brushing against the skin on your stomach.

As you went to start a slow pace, a nimble hand wrapped around yours and hesitate to pull you off. “This is about you. Not me. I’m going to take care of you.” His words made you melt but still.

You pulled out your famous puppy dog eyes. “Please, Khonshu. I wanna, you know,” you pleased, hand trying to grasp his cock again. His size easily fit his stature. Not the thickest, though it didn’t feel that way when he was inside of you, but his length was impressive.

Khonshu didn’t say anything, only letting his thumb finally rest on top of your clit. Your eyes widened at the feeling, hips on the verge of humping. “Only if you tell me what you want. That’s the deal,” he countered and held a tight grip around your wrist.

“But-but you know what I want!” He shook his large head and let his thumb press harder. You couldn’t help but to thrust your hips up, gaining friction. A moan spilled from your lips at this. Yet, a thought came to your head. This might be plan to distract you.

No. You shook your head and attempted to reach forward but he wouldn’t allow that. With a growl and through gritted teeth, you gave in. “I want to suck you off, okay?” The god before you snickered, shoulders shaking with the movement. You rolled your eyes with a slight pout.

He released your hand, snapping you out of your pout. Before he had the chance to change his mind, you were quick to grasp his dick again and squeezed again. Khonshu rested that hand on your chest, head slightly bowed again. “You’re going to be the death of me, Stardust. You know that?” Laughter bubbled softly in the back of your throat.

As his thumb played with your clit, you leaned forward onto your elbow and stroked him. When you got to his base, you applied pressure. At his tip, you ran your thumb over the end.

Tiny spurts of pre-cum smeared across that same finger. You brought it up to your tongue and gentle licked it okay. For one, you weren’t expecting that. For two, you truly don’t mind the taste. You hummed at the taste before returning to your previous movements.

But greed over came you. You are human after all.

You disregarded the hand between your legs and moved to be on your stomach, face in front of his hardening cock. As you did this, the wetness growing couldn’t be ignore. The god was effective, something you couldn’t just ignore. “Little Bug, what in the world do you think you’re doing?”

“I told you what I wanted to do,” you sassed at him then take a long lick from the base to tip. Khonshu choked on his next words. A hand resting on top of your hair. When you got to the top, you wrapped your lips around just the tip and suckled.

The hand on your head grasp what strands of hair he could. Pain flared to life at the grip strength but you ignored it and just sucked. Your name was stuttered from the god. He was having an internal battle on letting you suck him off or just say fuck it and pound into you. Ever since last time, he couldn’t get over the fact you’re so small compared to him. That made you so tight around him.

To make the whole situation though, he reached forward with his other hand and slight a finger into your cunt. The slick that had been growing since the two of you started easily helped guide him in.

A moan was vibrating in the back of your throat. That sent waves of pleasure of his spine. Khonshu pulled on your hair towards him. You did your absolute best to accommodate his length. “Good,” he purred, fucking purred. He sounded like sin.

All he could wish for in this moment was a mouth and tongue, just so you could feel the same way he is. He gently thrusted as he moved your head in a gentle rhythm. Still having half the mind of your comfort and safety. “Stardust!” his voice went up an octave. It was all you doing this to him.

Suddenly, your head was pulled back, body pushed onto your back. The moon god crawled to be between your legs, a hand quickly stroking his cock.  Quiet whispers of your name were rumbling in his chest.

Finally, his skull was thrown back. White ropes of cum spurted from his cock all over your chest and stomach. A lot more than what the average person could produce covered what he could reach. You simply reached down and took a scoop. It had the same consistency as humans. Then, you decided to take a full taste. Not half bad for a god that like looked a mummy.

When he was done, a low hum growled from deep in his chest. Even without eyes, you could feel a dangerous gaze set ablaze on your already fiery skin. “Khon?” you whimpered in the quiet.

A deep chuckle sounded from him, shoulders shaking with the noise. “Your turn, Stardust.” You were promptly pounced on by the moon god.

#khonshu #khonshu x reader #moon knight #fluff #khonshu smut #marc spector #smut #soft khonshu #marc spector x reader #sort of #have fun with this monstrosity #there will be a part 2 #it'll be posted soon #I'm so glad i don't have to work about my stuff being taken down as much #thank you tumblr for letting smut be safe again #i never thought that would be something I would have to say

[iwillbemeforever]

“Do not underestimate this anger. This anger was the engine that powered Good Omens.” - Terry Pratchett

Man, seeing this line is making me feel alot of things about anger.

All my life, I have always had anger. I am female so, growing up, anger has always been framed as a bad thing.

And yes, when I was a kid, I was just explosive which wasn't a very good thing. But my anger was just a reaction. A reaction to injustice. A reaction to fear. A reaction to people's disrespect.

And although I have to learn how to control my explosive anger. But looking back, I wished someone told me that my anger was not a scary thing and unwanted thing.

I spent many years as a child, being afraid of my own self. I was afraid of my anger. And my fear only made my anger worst. I knew that my anger was a reaction to my fear as a child. But I was afraid and I did not know any better.

Then I grow up to also be an angry teenager. I was still afraid of myself actually. I tried to act like I didn't care. I had a bravado upfront. But in reality, I was so damn afraid.

And the reality is, I cared so damn much. And the anger was just a thing I used to keep people away because I was so afraid of letting people in. I was afraid that they didn't like what they see. Or worst, they'll let me down and hurt me.

Then, eventually, I became an adult and I learnt to accept myself. My anger seems to be more stable. I no longer explode.

But I still got angry over the things that mattered to me. I found that my rage flies when people I love are put in danger or the causes that matter to me.

I remember talking to my friends and they looked at me when I talked angrily about how poverty robs dignity from a person. How we need to do better as a society. How our govt have failed us.

My friend looked straight at me and sighed, "why do you care so much? you're not even affected."

And I was flabbergasted. Like what? So if it doesn't affect me, I can look away.

And I knew I am someone that cannot look away.

Then the pandemic came.

And now, I am a covid conscious person.

My anger is bigger than ever. But this time, I no longer feel like my anger is unwanted. No, this time, my anger is deserving. This time, my rage makes sense.

I admit I'm full of rage and bitterness. But it's warranted. I want a better world for all. I think there's no wrong with that.

I haven't quite learn yet what to do with all of this anger. I'm just aware I have it.

But that line from Terry Pratchett makes me feel a little better. Makes me feel like, yeah, don't underestimate this anger. This anger that comes from knowing what injustice is.

#my thoughts #thoughts #terry pratchett #good omens #anger #my anger

[nakanotamu]

God okay the Axiz reunion in Noah of all things got me kind of in my meltear feelings again, it’s just that element of making a bad decision and choosing the wrong person and having to either figure it out or deal with it blowing up and I love it so much.

Tam has a bad start to 2022. She loses Mai, the first person to leave Cosmic Angels, to Giulia of all people, she catches Covid and misses out on an opportunity to even try and contend for the red belt. She’s depressed and once again (kayfabe) considering retirement.

Natsupoi sees this and it bothers her. This is wrong, Tam with no energy like this, despondent like this, not caring like this, is getting to her and she’s not sure why. So she starts poking her, provoking her, trying to get a reaction. She successfully makes Tam mad and their singles matches are set.

Tam brutally wins the cage match, but as she’s destroying Natsupoi she realizes, oh, I don’t want to fight her, that’s not what this feeling is. Oh god, I still care about her. Immediately after she wins the match she rushes back into the cage, the first person to check on Natsupoi.

They have their second singles match at Korakuen and Poi is furious, full of fire and a consuming need to finally beat Tam. And part way through, Tam’s spirit just goes out. She just doesn’t want to fight Poi any more, has no need to beat her a second time, she’s not going to keep fighting her. And Poi wins, but she’s uncertain.

Their third match approaches, the team match between their factions that was meant to serve as a proxy rubber match even though it wasn’t a third singles competition. Natsupoi doesn’t go to the press conference beforehand, Giulia jokes that they had to tie her up because just seeing pictures of Tam sent her into a rage. It’s not seriously what happened, but it’s believable, Poi is obsessed, and as she jokes Giulia grimaces like she knows where that kind of obsession can lead.

And sure enough in the team match Poi can’t fight it any more either. So many weeks at this point of wondering why she can’t stop thinking about Tam and she knows, and she turns on, very much betrays, all of her friends, just to be with Tam. And it’s awkward, and there’s a lot to figure out, but Tam accepts her immediately. She says later that she knew bringing Poi in would change things, maybe be difficult for the rest of Cosmic Angels, but she had to let her in.

And they click again, almost immediately, there’s a tiny bit of rust at first but it’s mostly like they never stopped tagging together. FWC nominate them to challenge for the tag belts because they’re the hot new team everyone’s talking about. And they need to put aside their instincts to both be the hero, to be two singles wrestlers who happen to be on the same side, and learn to actually help each other, and they do, and they win the belts right away. Tam is embroiled in a bit of a feud with Syuri, but after a tag match after they’d won the belts, she watches Syuri leave and nods to herself. She’s putting that aside for now. She’s focusing on the belt she has, on her tag partner. Natsupoi put her relationships aside to choose Tam, and Tam puts her aspirations aside to choose Natsupoi.

They do lose the belts but they’re fine, they’re solid, that’s not what’s important here. Tam challenges Giulia for the red belt that she won from Syuri, and she tries so, so hard to get under her skin. She says and does everything that would have destroyed Tam before. She makes her bleed, makes her look ugly in front of everyone. She tells her no one likes her, and Tam doesn’t care. For once, Tam is completely focused. She has someone to rely on now.

And she wins the red belt and now, Cosmic Angels are almost completely different. After Mina left, she said that it was seeing Tam with Natsupoi that made her realize that that spot next to Tam had not been hers. She spent two years thinking they were tag partners, equals, that she was the lieutenant of Cosmic Angels and Tam relied on her just like she relied on Tam. But seeing Tam with a real tag partner, seeing Tam actually rely on someone, makes her realize that it was one-sided, that she had only been relying on Tam. And Tam says she always knew Mina would strike out on her own one day, she just didn’t expect it so soon, but what she doesn’t say is that it happened now because she chose Natsupoi.

And Unagi is maybe? Possibly? Hopefully? Still a member of Cosmic Angels, though she’s certainly not around now, or seemingly will be for the indefinite future. She didn’t feel like her relationship with Tam wasn’t what she thought it was. She said that seeing Natsupoi next to Tam made her realize that she couldn’t stand next to Tam herself as an equal, that if she was ever going to be able to, she needed to leave and find what she was missing for herself.

And they still have the name Cosmic Angels, and the vibe, but Tam chose Natsupoi over her entire faction. She knew this was the risk, that maybe Natsupoi’s presence would shake things up so much everyone would leave. And she chose her anyway, and now that it’s happened, they’re figuring out what that means.

Just in time for Saori Anou to waltz in. Saori Anou, maybe the one person Tam would choose over Natsupoi - maybe that’s Poi’s fear. The person Tam texts first, the person Tam says I miss you, I want to see you to. The only person who gets to ignore Tam’s messages and has Tam saying “Hey!! Where have you been, I told you I missed you!“ instead of ignoring. The one person who gets all dere from Tam, no tsun. Natsupoi once said Tam “never confesses. She sets the mood so you feel like you have to confess to her.” Anou is the person Tam confesses to.

And when Anou first showed up Poi was uncertain, a little sad. She said she likes Anou but she’s such a major rival to her that she can’t help but feel unsure about having her around, like just by being there Anou is guaranteed to take something from her sooner or later. And sure, you can look at Natsupoi’s eternal quest for the white belt, her rough history with singles achievements compared to Anou’s lauded one. But I can’t help but see it as not a something, but a someone.

#long post #essay #Tam Nakano #Natsupoi #Saori Anou #Cosmic Angels

[asteracaea]

link

A few months ago I started joking that half of the treatments in my psychiatric practice had become “Taylor-based.” Many of my patients are adolescent girls and young women, and they have leaned on Taylor Swift as a kind of big sister through the daily agonies of being a teenage girl: unsteady friendships, the 24-hour firing squad of the internet, and of course, the endless longing to feel seen and valued. At the end of a session exploring these struggles, I’ve appreciated having her to keep my patients company the rest of the week.

But as the Eras tour steadily lurched toward our favorite city, the Taylor-based therapy issues reached a boiling point. “How am I going to stay calm before she goes onstage?” “I need to do remote today because I can’t get Covid before the concert.” “How am I going to go back to regular life once it’s all over?” They were saying they needed to calm down, and to help them do that we dug through the full bag of tricks — behavioral, cognitive, psychodynamic, existential — and explored these patients’ relationships to anticipation, to enjoyment, to self-regulation, to suffering.

I was already a casual fan. My husband has been quasi-ironically blaring “Hey Stephen” from our speakers for years, and my daughter, 9, has strong views about whether Taylor should still be with Harry Styles. But I couldn’t really understand why this artist and this tour were so powerful — and so disruptive.

And so I started listening. And listening more. And I started staying up all night refreshing apps for last minute access to the “Taypocalypse.” And then I went to the show with my daughter. And now I, too, cannot calm down.

Swiftmania is a very different kind of high from what I experienced listening to music as a teenager — a high that is worth the pain. It’s not just the plethora of songs to discover, but the nonstop Swiftie culture itself — the constant access to the music, the news, the scrolling for swag, the shout-outs on the street, the sharing of songs and lines of poetic code via text or passed bracelet — a party that is raging all day and all night.

When I was growing up, I had the Indigo Girls, Tori Amos and Ani DiFranco, singers for whom a troubled inside matched a raw, edgy outside. But there was nobody who held forth on righteous anger from the inside of a sparkly bodysuit — who suffered as I did, but whose confident prowl could make me walk a bit taller. My singers would sit outside the party and complain with you, but when you got your courage up, they weren’t going to go inside, ready for it. Taylor doesn’t force you to choose, because she is both The Lucky One you want to be, and every bit the Anti-Hero you are inside.

Who is the Swiftie? In my practice, these patients share certain characteristics. Raised on a healthy diet of kindness and fairness, she is sensitive, ambitious and a bit of a perfectionist. Like Taylor, she dresses to be pretty and cool (and sometimes, for revenge), but inside, she is in all kinds of pain. Her self-doubt perpetuates a vicious cycle in a world where she is timid and young, and others may assume she knows nothing. She’s hard-working and frustrated, and wonders if she’d get there quicker if she was a man. Desperate to experience love, she has had her moments of begging for Romeo to just say yes, or tolerating being treated badly in some situationship (you said you needed space — what??). And yet, the Swiftie strives to be the modern day Cinderella, who doesn’t remember if she has a man. She finds in Taylor Swift an actual hero who meets her where she is but also shows her the badass place she could get to — so intoxicating precisely because it is within reach.

“What would Taylor Swift do?” is a refrain among certain patients in my practice. Teenagers suffer for many reasons. One is being fragile and in formation — a human construction site. Another is being surrounded by others who are fragile and in formation. Taylor Swift articulates not only the treachery of bullying but also the cruelty just shy of it that is even more pervasive: meanness, exclusion, intermittent ghosting. She says: Borrow my strength; embrace your pain; make something beautiful with it — and then, you can shake it off.

But what is singular about this artist, in this time, is the access she has created to a cohesive community, particularly for the pandemic generation, whose social connections grew tragically elusive and for whom the internet’s offerings assumed a central role. Whatever you are upset about, the poet laureate of this generation has got a song somewhere in her mega-oeuvre describing that precise feeling. She is not going to solve whatever problem you are having, but she is going to sit with you in it until the passage of time does its work: Look at her now.

Teenagerhood taunts you to explore and perform who you might be, on repeat, and the “Eras” theme of her current tour electrifies this process. MetLife Stadium was a bacchanal of mass identification, a celebration of that ubiquitous girl who felt somewhat invisible until there were 83,000 of her, sparkling from miniskirt to concert bracelet, lighting up the night sky, and wondering: Which era am I right now? Who was I last year? And what’s the part of me that is emerging, gaining complexity? The eras offer a reassuring developmental trajectory that includes them all. You may dress up as 1989 party girl, but it’s understood by everyone here that you are also heartbroken and rageful and forgiving and brave.

We will all eventually calm down, but for now I am leaning in to this fever dream, this restlessness, and sleeplessness, and decline in focus on anything else — a champagne problem perhaps, but also a gift. Sometimes it’s good to let yourself be disrupted, to be a little less productive, to stay stay stay in an enchanted place as long as you can. Especially when there is someone new in your life who shows you colors you can’t see with anyone else.

My patients have their own dedicated professional to listen to them for 45 minutes a week and work with them to identify complex feelings and unhelpful patterns. But few teenagers have access to this kind of support. It’s confusing to be human and to be female, and I’m glad, both for my patients in their midnights, and for their populous, shimmering community, that they have someone so articulate, so generous, and so endlessly present to talk to.

#what a beautiful piece 💗🫶 #eras tour

[mimbotomy]

ask game: ❤️🥳🎬💌

❤️ What is your favorite line that you’ve written in a fic?

With so many fics and WIPs, this was so insanely hard to decide, especially because I have so many conversations and scenes that I absolutely love. But I ultimately narrowed it down to five lines that have already been published, even if some of those lines are longer than one sentence or have been edited in my drafts since they were first posted 😂:

From chapter 5 of The Children of Kephallonia, With No Hesitation:

So when their training session ends so they can eat, Kassandra beckons Phoibe over, kneeling down to grip her shoulder and look her easily in the eye. She is not Nikolaos - she will be better than Nikolaos - but there are no other words than the ones her father gave her so long ago, “You are my greatest pride, Phoibe. Remember that.”

From chapter 40 of Rebirth, Sparta VII

“I take everything so personally, remember?” Kassandra hisses, spinning on her heel to face Alexios with a snarl. A snarl that immediately fades when Alexios flinches, and her eyes fill with pain and horror, “No. No, you don’t. Fuck!”

From chapter 49 of Rebirth, Adrestia II

“No, you owe me a blood debt,” Herodotos solemnly cuts her off, “And I order you to live your life thinking of nothing but your own happiness.”

From chapter 12 of To Live by Another Name, Atropos III

The death of Exekias the Legend is a pitiful one. He stumbles back, and drops his helmet so he can try and staunch the flow of blood with both hands. It pours through his fingers and he makes it two steps forward before falling face down into the pool. His blood turns the water red, and when she spits out the piece of his throat and as much of the blood as she can, it floats like a particularly gruesome leaf in a swamp of blood and bile.

From chapter 2 of Not a Malákes Ravenclaw, Ginny I

“Have you already forgotten what happened the last time you tried fighting one of my battles for me?” Kassandra cuts him off, her voice low and hard and full of barely concealed rage, “Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised. It was rather quick for you, after all, even if it felt like I spent a thousand years watching your brains dribble out the back of your skull before Deimos tried to kill me too.”

🥳 Why did you start writing fanfic?

Well, although it wasn’t even my first or second fanfic, I really started writing fanfic because of my story Rebirth.

I started Rebirth bc I had been both reading a lot of time travel fix it fics for Game of Thrones bc I was incredibly disappointed in the final season and bc I was looking for AC Odyssey fics that explored a Kassandra that became more god than human. And when I didn't find as many as I would like, I decided to write my own.

And then I found that I really enjoyed writing and coming up with new situations and worlds to put these characters I loved into, and I just kept writing more and more stories. It became my creative escape in the way drawing and painting used to be, which is not to say that I don’t draw and paint now. But when I started Rebirth, it was the middle of covid, my beloved dog had just died, and I had just finished my first year as a graphic design student and what had always been my creative escape had become my job and didn’t help me destress in the same way it used to. And writing fanfic filled that hole easily.

🎬 If a movie or show were based on your fic, which fic would you choose and who would you fancast?

I think I’m going to have to say the Children of Kephallonia, because in a lot of ways, it’s what I wish AC Odyssey had been. But honestly, I think I would rather see that as an animated show rather than live action, and not just because I am so bad at fancasts 😂

But if I had to fancast CoK, obviously there is no one other than Melissanthi Mahut that could be Kassandra. If she is not cast as Kassandra for the eventual live action adaptation of Odyssey, I will riot.

Phoibe is a lot trickier, mostly because I don’t really know a lot of child actors. But I sorta envision her as a younger Auli’i Cravalho? It’s not quite right though.

I actually have to agree with your casting of Barnabas - Ian McShane is fantastic

As for Herodotos, the actor who instantly comes to mind is both totally wrong and also perfect in my mind, if that makes sense. For some reason, I can only imagine him as Ian McElhinney as Granda Joe from Derry Girls, but like, just the vibes? And only in certain moments? If that makes sense?

💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write?

I have three favorite tropes, all Odyssey related. Or at least, I’m pretty these count as tropes.

First and foremost, I love writing OP Kassandra. Control over fire and lightning and the sea, summoning beasts and monsters, turning the Spear of Leonidas into an eight foot lightsaber? That shit is my bread and butter and jam, and even in fics where I make Kassandra a little more human, it’s going to show up at least a little bit.

Second, I love exploring Kassandra and Ikaros’ bond as something more akin to the bond between human and dæmon in the His Dark Materials books. Like it’s less Kassandra just occasionally astral projects into an eagle and more Ikaros is a not so small piece of Kassandra’s soul, the most important relationship in her life, and they are both individuals and one and the same.

Third, Phoibe lives. Her death in canon serves no purpose except to make Kassandra sad and makes no narrative sense. Obviously, Phoibe should have been the Atreus to Kassandra’s Kratos ala the God of War reboot, and there is nothing that will convince me otherwise.

With the exception of my MCUxOdyssey crossover, in my fics Phoibe either A, never dies at all, or B, comes back to life whether through time travel (ex Rebirth or my WIP A Flap of an Eagle’s Wings) or because Kassandra literally drags her out of the Underworld (ex A Miscalculation, Not a Malákes Ravenclaw, or my WIP There is No Escape. . .)

Ask me more!

#ask game #for lack of a better tag

[tarotdeckshuffle]

Where did I go?

I know this is a comatose blog, but I feel like I owe my followers, especially some of my most loyal ones, an explanation of what happened.

It’s been what...3 years since I was truly active? Gosh that’s been a long time. Here’s an explanation of why I left, what’s happened since, and the future.

Why I Left

It sounds cliché, but life got ahead of me, mostly my work swallowed me whole. Why is that? 

Well, your Taro is a lawyer. I’m not your lawyer and I will not give you legal advice.

I started writing after I got my degree and started clerking. I was writing on slow days as a way to keep my writing sharp for the judge. After my state cut that position and buying our first house fell through, I moved on to working on immigration law.

But that boss was a prick. 

That’s when an amazing man contacted me through my old boss and said that he had an opportunity for me to help make the world a better place. 

Since then, I’ve been a public defender.

I love my job, I love my clients, but...it’s a tough job for various reasons I’m sure you can imagine. Needless to say, I typically become brain dead when I get home. This job has left me little left to explore my creative side and even less of me left to take care of myself. 

But I’m trying to work on that. 

I’m not leaving my work, just trying to do better. 

What’s Happened?

I’m still happily married to my soul mate :). We moved back by my parents and they’re so happy to have us.

We built our own house at the beginning of COVID. We started construction just before the lockdown and managed to cash in on low interest but had down payments paid just before prices increased. I’m thankful everyday we have our own home knowing full well if we had been even a month later, none of this would have been possible. 

I lost the last of my grandparents. This hurt so bad and left me in a very dark place for a long time. I had to wrestle with my love for them but also my fear. They were toxic, wicked people that I knew would turn on me at some point, even if they never got the chance to. 

After that, I sought professional help and we got another dog. She’s a 6 year old husky and I think she’s smarter than me lol. 

Thanks to that professional help, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Yes, I hyper fixated on writing all those years ago so no big surprise there. I also got hormonal help and, for the first time in my life, I feel real RAGE. Not frustration, but rage. I never truly felt anger before. It’s sometimes tough to control but it’s nice. As they say, the anger you feel at being treated poorly is that part of you who still loves yourself standing up for what’s right.

I think I’ve dramatically matured over the past few years. I’ve become more aggressive in defending others and myself, but I also try my best to stay kind and forgiving. It’s really not been a road I’ve traveled but a roller coaster I chose to get on but can’t control. 

I thought about this blog and all of my followers and friends all the time. I had so much guilt built up over not posting but fearing the expectation of having to resume posting if I came back. I just didn’t know if I could do it all. 

The Future

That is why I say this to you with every ounce of love in my heart: Screw any expectations you may have of me, lol. I don’t expect you have expectations, but I’m telling myself that even if you do, I don’t have to follow them. I’m aggressively giving myself permission.

I do have some stories in my drafts and in my head that I want to put out to the world. Someday, once all of my debts are paid and I can live comfortably, I want to get back to writing full time. My dream is to put my own book out there for the world. 

For now, I think I’m going to put stories out into the world as I’m able. I don’t know how often it will be, perhaps once a year? Perhaps once a week? I also don’t know what the subject or fandom will be. This time, I’m discovering the path as I go with no destination in mind. 

I am here, I look at all of my notifications, and I miss all of you. I hope you find pleasure in my writing.

In closing, I love you all and hope you can find peace in all I can give you. 

#writing #hiatus #Taro writes

[lil-lesbian-historian]

When I was 16, my art teacher had us oil paint self portraits. I had just moved to a new school and broken up with my ex, so I was really going through it lol. The one I did at 16 was full of rage that stemmed from my own anxieties and grief. I’ve always wanted to redo it, and was planning on doing so at 18 during my senior year art class. Unfortunately, COVID happened and the rest of my school year was canceled. I never got to repaint it.

Then, today I had the house to myself and a day off work. So I got high and decided to paint over that old, bitter rage that has been sitting in a corner collecting dust.

I can’t say that I’m happier at 21 than I was at 16. But there isn’t as much rage anymore. I painted what felt right for me, and not all of it makes sense as to why it’s there. I don’t even know what emotion I’m expressing or what I’m holding or what the shapes in the background mean.

Or maybe none of it means anything.

#oil painting #self portrait

[of-another-broken-heart]

We got invited to a family gathering.

Two days ago.

Knowing full well that the working members of the household sure the fuck don’t have the freedom to request off for a holiday. Much less with two piss-poor days notice.

They didn’t even think about that. It literally did not enter their minds.

“We’ve all already had COVID so it’s not a big deal.”

Well, we already couldn’t make it. But even if we could, I sure the fuck wouldn’t be showing up.

These are the remaining family members who refuse to stay home. Who travel and vacation and party, maskless, always.

So. It’s Thanksgiving. 4:30 in the morning. I’ll be functionally home alone, all day, like any other day.

But it’s burning me up today.

It’s the years of isolation, of neglect, of dismissal.

Not just from the past three, from the pandemic.

But from the whole last fucking decade. Being stuck. Trapped. Alone.

Less important than plastic statues. Less important than shiny shoes. Less important, always.

But the lip service. All the right words, and ten tons of guilt.

It’s me. I’m the problem. I’m not grateful. I’m too needy.

...

Ten years.

From 2012 to 2022.

Ten years. Almost to the day. I’ve been here. Stuck. Trapped. Alone.

Ten years.

I’m not exaggerating. I’m not lying. I’m not making it up. I’m not being oversensitive.

It’s been ten fucking years.

Ten fucking years of being let down and left out and ignored and unimportant, to fucking everyone.

And I’m so fucking tired of being gaslit to hell and back about it all. I’m sick to my stomach every time I hear or read “I wish I could do something...” in private while in public there’s a third new phone in a year and a second whole fucking car when there was nothing wrong with the other two, first one.

I should be thankful for my rage.

Without it I’d just be drowning in my own blood already.

I can’t keep being alone. Kept alive because, why? I’m “supposed” to, and people keep lying to me that “things get better”?

Enough. Prove it or shut up. Enough lies. Enough.

I never should have lived this long. “Lived” isn’t even the right word. That’s too fucking generous. I’ve been a pointless breathing corpse.

And I’m supposed to give thanks.

I don’t think I will. I’ll just sit here at odds with my anger and despair while clawing in futility at the ever-present barbed wire hope wrapped around my neck.

#personal

[pinermagic]

Sci fi haunted space station

#SCI FI HAUNTED SPACE STATION DRIVER#

#SCI FI HAUNTED SPACE STATION FULL#

Since QCODE produced Carrier, listeners can expect big-budget production, sound effects, and acting. Another great thing about Carrier is that it’s a completed show, though the ending feels a bit lackluster to me.

#SCI FI HAUNTED SPACE STATION DRIVER#

In the science fiction horror, follow a truck driver as she takes one last job to be able to afford to make it home, but the job may end up costing her life. I’ve reviewed Carrier a few times in other articles because it’s a bit of a crossover and genre-bending hit from QCODE. Through audio recordings, letters, emails, and more, the two unearth the locked away memories of their time during the pandemic, the time happening right now for all of us.Īpple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Stitcher | Website | RSS Carrier Are we choosing our friends and lovers based on the pandemic and our forced closeness? Covid39 follows a couple who are curious if their love stems from the fact that their families lived together during the pandemic. The science fiction audio drama is set 39 years in the future but looking back on current times in a way that calls into question our existing relationships and circumstances. That’s why I wanted to recommend Covid39 again. New variations are cropping up like bad pop hits, and we are all still processing the impacts of Covid on ourselves, our loved ones, and the world around us.

#SCI FI HAUNTED SPACE STATION FULL#

All the series have wrapped up, so new listeners can check out all seven full seasons of The Bright Sessions universe.Īpple Podcasts | Pocket Casts | Stitcher | Website | RSS | Transcripts Covid39 While listeners still get to spend time with the doctor, new characters and troubles are introduced to keep the story raging on. A new spinoff series, the AM Archives, started to run for a few episodes before switching over to another new spinoff of The Bright Sessions, The College Tapes. While The Bright Sessions is an old favorite among many science fiction audio drama listeners, during 2021, they did something a little different. This landmark in science fiction podcasts deals with trauma in interesting and sometimes healing ways, providing a unique experience for the listener. The Bright Sessions follows a doctor who provides therapy to those experiencing strange and unusual events. And if you’ve already listened to the show, why not refamiliarize yourself with the world, characters, and humor of Solutions to Problems before the new season airs?Īpple Podcasts | Pocket Casts | Google Podcasts | Website | RSS | Transcripts The Bright Sessions But! They announced over the winter that another season is still in the works, so now is the perfect time for new listeners to jump on one of the great science fiction podcasts. I will note that there hasn’t been a new season since the end of 2020. It doesn’t just end there, though, Solutions to Problems crafts a whole world and universe across the 30+ episodes. While the show is set on a spaceship traveling through the galaxy, the questions and advice they get into sometimes borders on relatable. Solutions to Problems is a science fiction audio drama in the style of Dear Prudence advice columns. Unless stated otherwise, they should all be listened to in order. So, for all my other science fiction audio drama stans out there, here are 35 science fiction podcasts to dive into.Īs with all our lists, this article will be updated frequently to give you doses of new great science fiction podcasts. Science fiction podcasts give us the space to dream and think about our own lives simultaneously! Or you can follow a kid around the galaxy as they get into wacky and wild adventures involving sentient ships, aliens, and more. Like The Bright Sessions! It’s a typical story wrapped in science fiction trappings, giving us something to relate to, think about, and imagine. Due to genre conventions, science fiction audio dramas can go to places other nonspeculative fiction podcasts can’t. And while I’m not sure about all that, I do know science fiction podcasts are fantastic. Some listeners I’ve spoken with have even said it pretty much dominates the field of audio drama. Science fiction podcasts encapsulate a broad and diverse section in the audio drama and fiction world.

#Sci fi haunted space station

[passingdaysthings]

8.09.2022 - Complicated Feelings

Today is Tuesday. 

I am writing this super early in the morning because I just couldn’t fall asleep. I woke up after sleeping for about 2 hours, but it seems like I have a lot on my mind. Before I address those complicated feelings, I would like to give a quick update: 

1. I am now a student at the University of Denver, and I will be pursuing a Masters of Science in Data Science. Classes will be starting Sept. 12.

2. I have a job, but it’s more of a for fun one and allows me to have extra spending money. 

Back to what this post is really about. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5.5 years at the beginning of May this year because I felt like our relationship had become very one-sided, and I was putting in all the effort to maintain it. I also felt that he didn’t “love” me the way he use to, and that realization came with a new friend I had made online. My ex and I met in college when I was 20 and he was 21, and we were both relatively new to dating. I really enjoyed our relationship, and I have no regrets dating my ex. I broke up with him, but we did it on amicable terms. I think that he just didn’t know that he was losing interest in our relationship. Another big factor that contribute to our break-up was the fact that we were in a long distance relationship between the US and Hong Kong so COVID really lessened the time that we saw each other and talked. There was also the fact that I was focused on getting higher education, and he had a demanding full-time job. There were other cracks too like he wouldn’t call or message me, he wouldn’t tell me what he was up to, and he would spend time playing games rather than talking to me, but tell me he is busy. He was also saying things that made it clear he was done with our relationship, but he just didn’t know it. We also had a lot of arguments about his inattentiveness, and it just didn’t change so I chose to end it. 

Now that I have added some context, I will circle back to how my online friend helped me realize that it was time to end my relationship and move on. This is the start of my complicated feelings. I met this friend around Oct of 2021 through a video game, and we were just gaming friends. I’ve never met him in real life, and we did not talk much one on one until around April of 2022. We spent a lot of time talking about a lot of random things outside of gaming once we started talking, but it was all friendly. We even talked about our romantic relationships, but I did not tell him about all the issues I was having in my own relationship at the time. He made me realize simply that if someone wanted to talk to me then they would. I have never met this online friend in real life, but he would talk to me everyday about the most random things which I really enjoyed. I think it was really enjoyable because we had a lot in common, and this realization really put a nail in the coffin for my relationship with my ex. I did not enjoy talking to my ex nearly as much as this friend, and I felt like I only wanted attention from him because he had the title of “my boyfriend”. That’s when I decided I should just end it because I was only holding onto our 5 years together and memories, but it wasn’t the same anymore. 

On to the next order of business, and why I am probably awake after only 2 hours of sleep. My online friend for the first time since April has ignored me for a whole day, and yes, it is weird. We have talked everyday since April, but we barely exchanged 10 words today. This isn’t exactly something that happened suddenly though. Last night, I had called him after gaming because he had been a dick to me randomly for the past few days, and I wasn’t really happy about it. He told me that he had a lot going on since he had gotten COVID and his brother got shot in the face during a road rage incident. He apologized and told me that he didn’t really know how to process everything and that he didn’t mean to make me upset or take it out on me. I knew about the incident with his brother prior to me calling him out though, and we had spent all his COVID quarantine together playing games and watching anime and Korean dramas together. I enjoyed our time so much that I actually hadn’t played many games with my irl friends. He also told me that he would most likely distance himself from me simply because that’s how he is. He didn’t know how to handle everything and just kept apologizing to me even though I reassured him that I was only trying to understand why he was lashing out randomly. 

Here is more background information on my relationship with my online friend and things that we do together that will make the complication more understandable. We both acknowledge each other as best friends, and I believe that I was the one who started this because I wanted to make it clear I was not interested in a relationship after my break-up. He also stated that he was not interested in a relationship after this previous ex had cheated on him so I felt like we were on the same page at the beginning. As our relationship deepened, we began to flirt (?) more, and we did more things that made us seem like a couple, and this was to the point where my little sister had asked me if something was going on between us because we spent so much time together. Some things that made my sister question our friendship, our messages (flirty ones), staying on the phone all night, sleeping on the phone together, staying up all night watching anime and dramas together, and the fact that we both acknowledged that talking to each other had become such a big part of our daily routines that it felt really weird and unusual if we didn’t talk. Note: he didn’t say much to me today after our altercation. First off, I am fucking sad that he didn’t even message me back today, but he did say some words to me while we played games. I would like to confidently say that I have a crush on him, but we have never met in-person (I know what he looks like, and we have face-called). Some issues I have with him though is that he tends to bottle issues and problems up as much as possible and push people way which he acknowledges that he does due to childhood trauma, but I am someone who values all of my friendship so I like to get to the bottom of things. I am not sure what I should do now. I don’t want to push him too hard. Do I give him time to process what happened to his brother? Do I continue to message him in support? Do I not send messages because he isn’t responding? Am I being over-bearing? I am just not sure what I can do, but I know for a fact that I am an important person to him. I think the biggest thing that really pushed me to acknowledge my feelings was a trip we had planned. I called him one night recently to just have our usual late night talk, but then we started planning a trip together because I am going to see my sorority sister soon. He was being cute and whining about how our time together would be limited due to my trip, but he was excited for me. In response to this and his suggestion for a friendship sleepover, I suggested that I just take another trip to see him for a week during my winter break, and we could hangout in-person for the first time. I did this not expecting much because he had become super anxious after getting cheated on, and he wasn’t very fond of seeing me irl or so I thought. He started by making jokes about how I should just stay for a day or half a day or even just fly over his house which I responded with “okay, maybe I just go for 3 days instead of a week”. This is where I was shocked with his response. He responded to me with a “you hate me” which he does anytime I do something he doesn’t want, and I think it’s pretty funny. I told him fine, I would stay for a full week, and he said he would take the whole week off of work and house me as well. Quick fucking change LOL. I was shocked because my offer was just another senseless cute thing to add to our conversation. I thought it would just end there, but then we talked about places to eat and hike (we both like hiking). He even suggested we take a smaller trip within this trip to go hiking and eat at a really nice restaurant. This was a place he had previously gone to with his ex so I initially rejected the idea because I’m jealous. It legit sounded so fun, BUT he did it with his ex. I told him “No, I don’t wanna go if you went with your ex”, but he responded with “No, we should go and re-write those memories”. That really got me. I did my best to act cool and accepted the idea. Like.. that is so cute.. and it sounded so fun.. 

To end this post, my question is now... are we just friends or does he have feelings for me too? I just don’t know what he considers things he would do with a “friend” vs a “girlfriend”. I do my best not to think too much into what he says and take them as face value, but there are some things that are hard not to read into. 

-P

#dilemma

[itsmemychelle]

Dealing With Things

Ok, as you know I am living with my partner, but I am not really sure that I am in love with him. For quite a while now, I had stopped taking an antidepressant because it was literally making me so tired or at least that is how I felt. 

I have really been battling rage within myself. It’s been horrible. I am getting so angry at a variety of things and towards peeps. However, I do think that there is one topic that I am totally on base about. And it refers to my partner’s daughter. She is f*&#&%@ lazy, period, end of story. The only thing she does in the summer is babysit, which is rare and usually for just a short time. Now she is saying that she needs new tires and something about her brakes. She has been given a vehicle to drive. Her parents do not hold her to be responsible to take ownership of paying a portion of anything. Maybe gas, but that might be a stretch. 

It drives me crazy because she will be 18 in October. All I can see another human who believes that she has some entitlement to various things. Does my partner see it this way, I doubt it. He has difficulty seeing things as it is. 

Thankfully, I think that my partner is finally getting it through her head that I do not want to go on vacation. There are a couple of different reasons for this. First and foremost, is COVID. I have seen or heard many people who have traveled on airplanes coming home only to get COVID. Secondly, if I were to go down there it is a drinkfest. Each and every day, drinking and eating. That’s not for me. Plus, even in September it is hot and humid in Florida. My pain flares with the temperatures changes. This past week my pain has been really high. Now why in the world would I want to be painful in Florida when I could be comfy at home. Then when I was talking to my Mom about the situation I realized that my body may not handle sleeping in a camper for a full week either. I truly think that I am making the right decision.

Alright, I think I have said all that I can think of as of today.

#partners #raging #lazyteenagers #COVID #traveling #staycation