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withacapitalp · 1 year

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Hidden Gem Friday

Hey guys! It's time for our second Hidden Gem Friday. If you don't already know the drill, here's how it works. You guys send me fics you like that have less than 2k hits on ao3 or less than 200 notes here on Tumblr, and I read them and put them out as reccs on Fridays. I also like to add in my own reccs, because there's some stuff I've read that just really needs more engagement. I really like doing this, but I have a few asks. If you read these fics, please leave a comment! Comments are the lifeblood of keeping authors invested in writing for a lot of us, and it makes us feel super happy to know people enjoyed the fics. Secondly, if you comment, let the author know where you got it from! I always love to hear I was added to a recc list. Okay Reccs under read more as always. If you want to see the others look at the tag #Hidden Gem Friday

Still So Much To Learn by BonitaBreezy recced by me. @bonitabreezy on here! 4k words (Complete)- Steddie

Summary:

Steve Harrington knows he’s stupid. Everyone has made that very clear to him. But sometimes it hurts to hear, especially from the people you love.

My Thoughts:

Ough you guysssss. Okay so I watched this being written, and I got it in bits and pieces slowly over the course of four(? maybe five) hours. It was so fucking intenseeeeeeee. This fic is really well written, and it deals with one of my favorite headcanons, and I really like that it didn't pull the usual route of 'Eddie is the only one who never calls him stupid'. I love that sm but like this is so much more realistic? These kinds of miscommunications happen allllllll the time, and we do things and say things we don't mean, and I just yeah everyone should read this one!!!!!

Go At Your Own Pace by Cardigains recced by @andrea-csenge 17k words (Complete)- Gen El focused

Summary:

“Write down three things,” Hopper says, ducking his head to catch her eye. “Three things you want to make happen this year, and we’ll do everything in our power to help you. How about that?” or New place, new school, not new but new-together parents—after last year, El is more than happy to let the world pass her by from the safety inside of their home, but her friends and family have different ideas. How they work to prove to El she is not alone and can succeed at anything she sets her mind to.

My Thoughts

This one is really really good. It's canon to season four ending, and I didn't even have time to doubt, because this El is so good. This is an El who is past the traumatic events, but still impacted by them. She feels older but still El? I love it. All of the characters are super realistic, amazing jopper, WONDERTWINS, it's all jsut really well written, and it floooooows god does this flow. It is awesome

uh-oh, love comes to town by 96 tears recced by @daysarestranger 13k words (Complete)- Steddie w side of Robin/Vickie

Summary:

It’s not like Steve thought Eddie would stay single forever, but he figured he’d have a girlfriend by the time Eddie got a boyfriend. So, when Vickie and Robin set Eddie up on a blind date with Vickie’s cousin, Steve figures he feels weird about it because he’s the only one without a date.But an annoying little voice starts telling him maybe there’s more to it than that. He just has to figure out what it is.

My Thoughts:

This one is so fricken sweet!! I love the way Vickie is characterized in this one, we don't see her a lot (except for people saying her and Robin didn't work) but this person took the time to think about it. There's also a good dollop of QPR stobin which I always love, and a badass little granny for Steve, but the main thing here is the awesome Steddie! It's really well written, you an see them doing this complicated little dance around each other and the ending is so so sweet. It's also really funny I laughed at least three times

down on the timeline by annabeeus recced by @silverysnake 6k words (Complete)- Steddie with Ronance and a little Jargyle

Summary:

In a slightly altered universe where the Demogorgon never became more than a D&D character - The Party are semi-famous Youtubers. Steve, one-half of movie commentary channel BLOCKBUSTERS, and Eddie, the leader of D&D channel THE HELLFIRE SOCIETY, can't help but start falling for each other after meeting through a mutual friend.

My thoughts:

I always wanna try to be honest with my thoughts here- I did not think I was going to like this story. The way it was formatted isn't something I'm used to and it threw me off, but I stuck with it and I'm glad I did! It's really funny, and I love the little references thrown in everywhere. You know when you can feel an author probably worked harder on something then they initially planned, and the result is fucking awesome? Yeah that's this fic. It's super cute, it's told in this really unique kind of outsider perspective, and I so so enjoyed it.

i wish i knew how (your eyes are like starlight now) by MacksDramaticShenanigans aka @stevethehairington this one is also a me recc bc it's my list! I can do as I please haha. 10k words (Complete)- Steddie

Summary:

“Mistletoe!” Robin cheers, and Steve’s heart stutters so hard in his chest that he thinks it might crack his ribcage and drop right out the bottom of his stomach. His eyes fly up, and, sure enough, there hangs one of the many sprigs hung all around the apartment. Small and inconspicuous, but unmistakable. That ridiculous little plant has no idea that it’s just turned Steve’s entire world on its axis. Across from him, Eddie’s eyes are trained up too, big and round and wide where they stick on the mistletoe. His lips are parted in surprise, and Steve can’t help but stare and think am I going to kiss those now? When Eddie finally tears his gaze from the plant and lets it flicker down to Steve, a pretty pink dusting blooms across the bridge of his nose and spreads into the apples of his cheeks when he finds Steve already looking back. Steve spares the mistletoe one last quick peek before he takes a deep breath and steels himself. This is it. He sticks his hands on his hips, aiming for casual, and asks, “What do you say, Munson?” Or, Steve makes a promise, Robin likes to meddle, and the spirit of Christmas strikes (out) again. And again. And again. (Until it doesn’t.)

My Thoughts:

Okay I'm going to be frank I may be biased bc I betad this fic, except I'm not because it's so goddman spectacular. I'll start with how funny it is. I reread it today to have it fresh in my mind, and it's hilarious. Secondly the reveal and the moment where Steve thinks Eddie doesn't want him is so quietly heartbreaking, but perfectly written. Characterization is awesome, I watched every iteration of this as it grew and grew into something absolutely magnificent, and I'm so lucky to have gotten to beta for it!!

#hidden gem friday #fic rec #steddie fic recs #steddie fic #stranger things fic rec #Steve harrington #Eddie munson #steddie #Jonathan byers #Nancy wheeler #eleven hopper #eleven st #robin buckley #ronance #QPR stobin #platonic soulmates steve and robin #platonic soulmates stobin #Liam speaks up

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snek-snuggles · 4 years

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A band au where nice demons are in a grudge/rock band with FemCrowley as the lead singer and the FemZira who recently broke off from their band and is going solo with a Hozier like vibe songs. The recording company is late so the demons have to wait and watch Zira until she gets done and Crowley falls in love with her voice. Zira is curious about their band and stays behind to listen.

This is a really great idea but my brain rearranged it a bit and well...here, havve some Crowley and Aziraphale in separate bands who hate each other.

Aziraphale sits at the mic, listening to the playback of her most recent take. The rest of the band is on break, standing around and gossiping quietly while she continues to try to get the second verse right like she wants it.

The album deadline was quickly approaching, and they were nowhere near ready. The label had already extended the deadline once, she couldn’t stand the thought of asking again. And nothing was right- they still had three more songs they had yet to even attempt a rough cut for, one of them wasn’t even technically fully written. Half the album still needed to be mastered, and no one could seem to focus long enough to sit down and give a serious take on the song they were trying to record now.

The band’s first album had been an absolute smash success. After that, the res tof the group had really stopped trying. They seemed to be under the impression that they were too talented to have to try anymore; and thus, what they did have done was, in actuality, utter garbage. And Aziraphale was well aware- her lyrics could only carry them so far. She tried to put that to the back of her mind for now. If they didn’t finish the album, there would be no contract renewal. And without that, she would have to go back to what she was doing before, using any means just to get a few square meals a day.

Suddenly, there was a high-pitched commotion in the hallway. Akin to cats, or nails on a chalkboard. Screaming and shouting erupted into the studio, as a few members of The Sisterhood came barging in. The tall one, the redhead who sang lead, tried to calm everyone down, pulling her drummer off of Gabby, the keyboardist to Aziraphale’s band Beneficence.

The redhead leaned into the speaker and pressed the button, interrupting the playback and speaking into Aziraphale’s headphones in a genuine-sounding apologetic tone, “Sorry love, your time’s up. We’ve got the studio booked from four on today.” Her Liverpool accent thicker than ever.

That can’t be, Aziraphale thinks. Bernie promised them the studio all day. She put down her acoustic guitar and stood, intent on figuring this out. But as she stood, the two bands continued to fight and brawl viciously back out into the hall. Aziraphale tried to reply, but she couldn’t be heard over the screaming. The redhead seemed to have had enough, slamming the door shut and blocking them all out.

“Sorry, what?”

“I said Bernie promised me the whole day. Can you check the schedule for me?”

“Course, love.”

The tall one picks up the phone, dialing down to the front desk and asking for the schedule. The fighting continues outside as Aziraphale tries to breathe deeply. If they lose the space today, they stand no chance of finishing on time.

“Right...right. Yeah, right. Cool. Thanks Karen.”

She hangs up the receiver, turning in the chair to face Aziraphale.

“Sorry, then. Our bad- it’s all yours. We’re across the hall.”

“Oh, oh good. Oh, thank you.” Aziraphale sits down, closing her eyes and breathing in relief. She looks towards the hallway, and back at the clock. Four already, and almost no progress today. She bites at her lip, desperately trying to hold back the tears that have been heavy behind her eyes all day.

The other woman sees, though. She rolls closer to the sofa where Aziraphale sits, head in hands, and puts a gentle hand to her knee.

“Alright, sweetheart?”

Aziraphale snaps, “I’m not your sweetheart!” And then immediately bursts into sobbing hysterics. The redhead moves to the sofa, the two of them folding together into an embrace as Aziraphale cries. The redhead soothes at her back and holds her gently, stroking her hair.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,, that was rude. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I appreciate your kindness, I do.”

“Somethings’s not right then, yeah? You wanna tell me about it?”

“Oh, it’s just...we’re nowhere near done and we’re almost out of time. Everyone expects an even better album then the last one, and no one wants to put in the effort. It all falls on me, since they’re my songs, and if I lose our contract I’ll have to go back to...”

“Back to...?”

“Well...it was very unpleasant. Let’s just leave it there. I can’t, I can’t go back, we have to do better, and no one...seems to care, they’re all too busy-” She gestures towards the door. The sound of a smashing bottle startles her, cringing against the redhead’s shoulder.

“It’s awful of me, but sometimes I wish I could just...just...”

“Make your own shit?”

Aziraphale sighs, wiping her nose. The redhead dabs at her eyes, trying not to smudge her mascara.

“Yes.”

“yeah, me too. I love them, but none of them are serious about it. I put so much into the music, but no one writes anything worth half a listen to sing with it. I’m Crowley, by the way.”

“Aziraphale.”

Crowley takes a long look at her. Bright, blue eyees, long blonde hair. Dressed in pastels and flowing layers. She’s heard their stuff, it’s not half bad (although her band mates sure love to trash their music). Aziraphale sings like an angel and her lyrics are straight poetry. And here she is, breaking down in Crowley’s arms, on a gross old sofa in a rented studio on Sunset.

Crowley gets up- Aziraphale assumes she’s leaving. But she locks the door instead.

“I’m in the same boat, ya know. But fuck them- do you wanna write something? With me, jsut for fun?”

Aziraphale looks at her with confusion. Crowley is dressed in black jeans and a black t-shirt, with scary looking metal chains on her jewelry and these big black leather boots. Her hair is pushed back messily, and she looks like she hasn’t slept in days. Why would she want to write with me? Aziraphalle wonders.

But she hasn’t written seriously with anyone who actually wanted to be there in months, and right now she can’t stand the thought of trying another take at that other song.

“Yes, alright.”

They sit on the floor of the studio, talking and writing for several hours. Crowley pulls out a bottle of wine, hidden behind a false panel in the wall. “Put that there last year, thought it might come in handy someday.” They pass it back and forth, swigging from the bottle (Aziraphale tries to be prim about it, but as she relaxes, she takes bigger, less delicate pulls from the bottle neck.

Eventually, they notice the screaming has stopped. They call out for Chinese late tha tnight, and finish the song back at Crowley’s place as the sun rises.

In the morning, they both go back to their bands. But after their contracts both end a few months later, the two sign to a new label as a duo, and release their first single.

They become synonymous with sapphic love songs infused with a bbit of edge, and catch the attention of Hoxier’s management, who book them to open for the UK and european legs of his next tour.

(yeah...I might have to add this to my writing list.)

#ask #requests #good omens au #ineffable husbands #ineffable wives #good omens #good omens fic

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moonchildstyles · 3 years

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hi angel, i was the one who told you i was gonna start a book , well i got all the details together , just wondered if you had any advice on starting the book , i’m really nervous to start writing i don’t know where to begin :”)

im not sure just cause ive never really written a Book book u know??? but um when I write the first thing I do is jsut outline and kind of start there before I officially start writing the piece and that usually helps me find the beginning point!! just find a flow in what ur writing and whatever feels like natural to the piece and to ur characters!!

#anon #ask

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minecraftoworymode · 4 years

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picked a whole bouquet of whoopsie-daisies the other day reading some Very badfeel content so to cheer myself up here’s some super self-indulgent ramblings about romeo recovery post-s2

“YOU CAN DANCE IF YOU WANT TO YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY BEHIND” or how romeo learned to stop worrying and indulge in the ““feminine”“ shit in life

when romeo transitioned he scrubbed everything that could be potentially viewed as feminine from his appearance and behaviour. while he did everything he could about the former (hairstyle, clothing, body language, voice), it didn’t feel like enough bc he couldn’t change some things that ppl used to be jerks- his frame (short and lithe), his family, his being trans- so he made up for it by trying to “act” like a “real man”. this unfortunately meant he was super vulnerable to manipulative alt-right indoctrination tactics (”we will validate you as a man as long as you endorse our assholery and share our shitty beliefs about what it means to be a man”) and he was on the verge of getting sucked into gamergate ideology when [THIS LORE IS ANOTHER POST] and hey, now the world is minecraft. u dont gotta perform gender roles for villagers they dont care. xara will not only actually eat ur liver for pulling The Bullshit but when you are kind she smiles, so bright and warm, and it is very very nice so maybe you should keep on doing that. n fred? fred is chill with their Everything in a way uve only ever Dreamed of. romeo marinates in this sauce for a couple centuries and comes the closest to being comfortable in his own skin he’s ever been.

however,

after the Incident he slam-dunked himself back into the hypermasculinity juice bc it was a mindset “safe” from feeling pain, whether his or others’. n since the worlds the admins created dont have the same ideas of gender as the world they came from, once he’s been dethroned romeo has a particularly hard time adjusting wrt That on top of all the other 2750347502730 issues he has to face

anyway flash forward a couple months of being incredibly volatile bc he now has to confront all the terrible things he did and how Dare u make him do that and maybe if hes nasty enough he can provoke someone into killing him and saving him from having to unpack All Of That- (note from @simple-mooshroom-herder: Xara and Jesse at least grasp that Romeo will probably burn himself out on this bullshit eventually and the best thing to do is interact with him with a certain level of healthy detachment. Eventually he'll see that theres no "getting out of this" and he'll start to do the Work but until then its very frustrating to see that tactic take him nowhere.)

- one day petra notices how he’s constantly staring at all the ppl wearing cute dresses in beacontown and at first she thinks he's being creepy but then realizes that he's not being creepy and actually she knows exactly how he feels bc she also used to look at ppl wearing clothes super not suited for combat like that, like she wished she could wear them too, like if she just didnt have to keep up this image of the Warrior who is Not Soft Ever-

n ok. listen. these worlds have been specifically engineered to be better and kinder than the one the admins came from, and when people mess up- even REALLY mess up- people are generally not only willing to forgive you but support you as you try and get better. it’s instinctual for communities to respond to misdeeds with rehabilitation and reconciliation, rather than retaliation and renunciation (tho its not an overnight thing and it generally takes 1-3 people to spearhead the process, esp if the actions have affected a large group of people). like. ivor created something that almost destroyed the entire world, not just beacontown, yet by the end of season one he’s grown to be a part of the team- n its not just jesse & co being forgiving here, bc when ivor made his s1 build with 3 lava source blocks people objected to it, but by s2 he not only has lava in his build but a giant lake of it. (im assuming the fences around said lake are coming eventually, bc safety is still important, but the implications im choosing to take from this are a) despite almost ending the world people let him into their lives anyway and b) the community not only grew to accept but encourage his self-expression.)

BUT ANYWAY before i go off on that even more one day petra and romeo basically put on an impromptu fashion show in jesse’s house (bc their house is huge and, kind of perfect for a fashion show, and also right next to the order hall’s armory whence they stole a bunch of fancy swords to match the outfits) n theyre having a blast until the hero in residence , returns to their residence (and with COMPANY) n romeo is absolutely Mortified- caught red-handed showing feelings of an almost human nature, oh my god, this will NOT do- n this whole grand soliluquy of shame and excuses and apologies grabs the steering wheel of his tongue but he cant even spit a single syllable out bc jesse and lukas almost immediately dip leaving romeo panicking for a second before they come back with their inventories FULL of cute outfits, including a billion skirts and dresses, some of them are even enchanted so theyre like. super shiny or constantly flowing or things like that.

this actually ends up spiralling into a town-wide... not quite fashion show bc there's no runway or anything, everyone just shows up in their cutest/coolest outfits .. fashion convention?? Anyway several people come up to him and compliment him on his outfit casually before continuing along, not recognizing him not only bc of how hes done his hair and makeup n what hes wearing but he just seems... so happy (he might be wearing something on his head? like a headpiece or hat or something? but also maybe not hmm)- whoever this is, he's not hunched over like he's got several centuries' worth of sins crawling on his back he’s not trying to shrink and make small a human-shaped apology for the simple fact of his existence not dragging his feet like hes ready for, dreading, a hundred mile trek through the desert repenting hes just. hes literally just Vibing

anyway he's mostly been silent or just providing very quiet "thank you"s but when it turns out that some people showed up ready to play music and there's a song that he knows he literally cant help but start jamming out its the GOod Stim everyones a-dancing and a-jiving and some people start to sing and so of course he does too (the healing power of dancing and singing in cute outfits.... unfathomable) but. ppl recognize his voice

and after a few seconds he notices how quiet it's gotten all of a sudden n everyones looking at him like "oh shit thats the admin" and honestly his heart breaks. visibly

but

then someone starts singing, so quiet it takes a moment for him to hear over the sound of an encroaching panic attack (oh god he has airpods in), but when he looks over theyre smiling - theyre smiling at hiM???? AND IT DOESNT EVEN LOOK MEAN??- and doing this very simple step, that he catches onto just as easily as he matches their singing (its a fairly common little tune n dance)

theyre like standing like a good few meters away but as they take turns with lines in the song they slowly inch closer

and he thinks hes starting to recognize the dance that the steps theyre doing is from but at the part in the song thats coming up ur supposed to allemande left and even tho theyre like, less than a meter away now literally no one has really wanted to get close to him, let alone actually touch him, so hes totally expecting them to be like 'psych' and humiliate him in front of the entire crowd-

BUT THEN THEY ACTUALLY GO FOR IT???

he completes the step without even thinking about it n continues onto the next in this state of dull bewilderment where there is but one braincell active in his head and it is just going, in a very tiny voice, "danser?"

- when they linked arms the person briefly seemed surprised that he didn't like, chew their arm off or anything (he had. kind of snapped at people a few times during the past few weeks), but then their shock turned into a wide smile and they sort of- nodded? at someone over his shoulder like 'come and join us, it doesn't look like he's going to kill me after all you guys can put the eulogy writing on hold'

what rly makes his heart do the confused and hopeful conga is that this isnt even anyone romeo knows, its a total stranger. or- like- he saw them while he was pretending to be jesse he just didnt care to get to know them beyond ‘name and gimmick’- its not even someone who has any reason to think he'd be cool to befriend its literally jsut someone taking a chance on him (tkae a chance take a chance take a chance take a cha)

afterwards hes like "i should thank jesse for putting you up to that, it was fun" and theyre like "what? jesse didn't "put me up to" anything, dude, you just looked super choked. * something something surfer lingo who would i be if i just left someone to feel bad when they could be having fun dancing you know?*"

he H

#ng+#msg #i said this was super self-indulgent and i was not lying #i call ng+ my mcsm project and thats literal

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lostinathoughtonceagain · 4 years

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Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona nother thought i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge. shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love. i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina therap y session but it dosnt happne.

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keyhala · 6 years

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Tagged by: @soymilkheaven

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 people you’d like to know better.

1. Nicknames: Nene, Key

2. Gender: Female

3. Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

4. Height: approx 5′8″ (I thought it as 5′7″ but conversion table told me I was wrong. 172.5cm)

5. Current Time: 9:15 AM

6. Birthday: October 27th

7. Favourite Bands: Sonata Arctica, Linked Horizon, JAM Project, FLOW, Lots of random other ones. (I like songs more tha ARTISTS, really—)

8. Favourite Solo Artists: Kousuke Toriumi (People who know me, feel free to facepalm), Mamoru Miyano, KENN, Valshe, REOL... lots of VAs and Utaite, generally XD

9. Song Stuck in My Head: Too many. I have pretty bad tinnitus, so I always have music or TV or Radio on to drown that sound out. Also I have a knack for remembering song lyrics so there’s always SOME sort of song stuck in my head.

10. Last Movie I Watched: Uh... When I was sick we watched a lot of movies. Some good, some bad. “League of their own” was the last of them iirc.

11. Last Show I Watched: I watched Travelers yesterday. Was interesting enough to slow watch. I also follow Lucifer and the Ancient Magus’ Bride continuously, so they can have a spot too.

12. When Did I Create My Blog: Uh... April 2011.

13. What Do I Post On My Blog?: I am bad at posting, I think XD I reblog some stuff and post my art and stuff, but I’m too wrapped up in other things to post much personal stuff really. Mostly Tales of, nowadays though.

14. Last Thing I Googled: 'How to check the age of your tumblr blog’ because I was kind of stumped there XD

15. Other Blogs? I have a few abandoned RP blogs from when I was rping on tumblr, I have a commission and a portfolio blog, and I also have a Tales of Asteria blog that I’m hoping to be able to be more active and helpful on XD

16. Do You Get Asks? Not really, no. Never really have gotten many either XD I’m too much of an awkward cookie.

17. Why Did You Choose Your Url? I’m Keyhala everywhere, and it’s a name from a language I made up when I was 12. Started using it online in... uh... 2004-5 or so? And yes, now I have given you all the power of seeing everything I have ever done online. enjoy. XD

18. Last Thing I Ate? Just got up so nothing yet, but I ate Fried Chicken with sweet chili sause and rice yesterday.

19. How Many Pillows? On my bed? Only three when I sleep. I need more.

20. Favourite Colors: Purple, Teal and Orange.

21. Favourite Tag To Use? I usually post ‘rebagel’ instead of reblog for my art because I spelled it wrong once and now I jsut stick to it. I also like the fact that my biases all have personal tags but Yuri still hasn’t, so I write ‘insert clever personal tag here’ so I can easily exchange it if I ever come up with something XD

22. Lucky Number: None, really. I don’t consider myself particularly lucky, as people who are aware of my mobile game habits would know XD But eh... 18? I’ve always had a fondness for that number somehow.

23. Instruments? Piano and Guitar, though I’m rusty with both. Someone get me an electric piano for the apartment please.

24. What Am I Wearing? Sweatpants and an oversized Tshirt I sleep in. I look sexy AF.

25. Last Thing I Wrote? I mostly RP nowadays, so othing I can think of particularly...

26. Dream Job: Well, I love to draw. I’ve studied Game Development at University, and then I went on to get halfway through a bachelor’s in Japanese before my money ran out. Do the math. Generally though, if I ever get to work on a Tales Game in any way, shape or form, I can die happy.

27. Dream Trip: Japan. I know I’ve been there 7 times already, but I seriously wish I can go back as soon as I leave. Next time will be for TalesFes 2018.

28. Favorite Food: I love food, so lots of things... I love Japanese streetfood (Takoyaki and Okonomiyaki from my time in Osaka was amazing), as well as just eating stuff in japan generally. Yakiniku, Ramen, Gyuudon, Katsu— I love so many things ;w; And now I wanna go back again.

29. Nationality: Swedish

30. Favourite Song Right Now: I switch these around like crazy depending on mood and whatnot, but ‘Here’ by JUNNA is the one I love singing along to the most nowadays, so~!

Tagging: I have no clue who has been tagged or not, so— @talesofgay, @radiantdragonfang, @komanoken, @ladugard... let’s go with you guys XD (I’m way too lazy to tag so many XD)

#tagged #about me #personal

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lightoverturesystem · 6 years

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I’ve entered such an amazing phase of life since moving. Everything feels so much more.... magical. I’ve gone through phases where I felt life was not worth living, but it wasn’t all the time, somehow. Even so, things felt hopeless so often, so heavy, so meaningless. Now, I see opportunity at every turn. Many of my thought patterns are starting to change as I leave the surroundings of abuse for the first true time, and a hyper-vigilant PTSD trigger-happy phase: the world no longer feels as dark and scary. It’s still an incredibly hard place, and my situation is still razor thin, but there’s something about it that has changed.

Even just the simple act of coming home from a doctor’s appointment to a warm and warmly lit home that I feel safe in is a whole new and joyous celebration. I get into my door and break out in a smile. I throw my clothes wherever I please for a bit simply because I can for the first time without being abused, and I throw on my headphones without the need to tune someone out, but to look inward. I cook incredible and nutritious meals while reflecting on all I have learned. I eat on the floor, because no one is around to tell me not to. I used to be terrified of cooking at home, which was really sad for me since it was always a huge passion of mine-- so much so, I was accepted to a vocational high school to pursue it as a career. (The end of that is a different story, however.) I have the freedom to cook and burn things as I please without being screamed at and threatened with the police taking me away.

As I enter 2018, I feel this is the first year I can truly wholeheartedly commit to goals without being distracted and taken away from them from people who will hurt me. I sat today, writing a list of my goals for the coming years, which I hung on my bedroom door so that I am less likely to stray from them.

They are as followed:

I was prescribed physical and hydrotherapy along with a special kind of meditation to do for 30 minutes every day. Once a month, I will be hooked up to monitors while doing so, to measure if my central nervous system is calming down with the use of it. In my old house, and with the people who used to be in my life, I feel none of this would have been possible. I was spending a ridiculous amount of time not only trying to solve other people’s problems, (something in which I am working on stopping) or even feeling I have to because of trauma involving helping my mother constantly, but spent worrying about everyone fighting and not working on solving their own problems in healthy ways. The anxiety that being blackmailed and abused, and just being with people who were not emotionally mature or responsible was causing me had me having multiple panic attacks a day. All this was physically draining me, keeping me in bed with suicidal ideations.

For the last two years I have wanted a way out of interacting with a lot of people I cared about, with no way to convey how much I was suffering because of their issues being put onto me. It is partially my own fault for not leaving these situations, though fear because of abuse also played a part in keeping me paralyzed into friendships and relationships, and just not wanting to hurt their feelings. I am trying to be braver at saying things that are hard, which is actually another goal of mine to be better at for 2018! “Push through uncomfortable mental barriers.” These can be in either good or bad situations, as saying good things also makes me uncomfortable because it makes me vulnerable. But a person who no longer tells people the good things they deserve to hear because I have been hurt in the past and find it difficult is not the person I want to be.

Another goal I have is to finally get to the bottom of my EDS diagnosis. At the start of this year, I was suggested I may have EDS by my doctor because of a range of symptoms I was experiencing, and was referred to a rheumatologist. They then told me I need to go to a special place that does genetic testing, and that they don’t do it there. EDS is only genetic, and there are six types, one of which affects the heart and can be fatal. Given my biological little sister was born with 4 holes in her heart and I know neither of my parents medical history... it’s pertinent I get this checked out. I called a Genetic Testing lab across the state and left a voicemail asking if they took my insurance and if I needed another referral and am waiting back for this. Having this as a diagnosis would certainly explain a lot going on with me also, but I do not know how to feel. On one end, it would put an end to a lot of questions I have. On another, scary.

Today, I went to my Endocrinologist who treats me for Hypothyroidism. A few months ago, my medication treating this, needed an increase because my thyroid is slowly dying as I get older, and slowly decreasing in how much hormone it puts out. It’s tricky, the thyroid, and now I am being overly medicated, causing me to have too much of this hormone, leading to a state of dangerous medicine induced mania. While researching more on my condition, I found that eating soy is one of the staple foods that people with Hashimoto’s Disease, the underlying autoimmune disease I have that caused my Hypothyroidism, should avoid. As a spoonie vegan, admittedly I eat a lot more soy than I’d like to admit. Fried tofu is a favorite... So I am setting a goal of eating less soy, and more veggies, which I have never gotten enough of. As I have started also taking an antacid because I have had a longstanding acid reflex problem that has never been able to be attended to until now, I am going to be quitting coffee and starting to drink caffeinated tea. I have been addicted to caffeine for many years because it helps combat the fatigue and shake off some of my pain, and it took years to quit soda. Then I moved onto coffee and it’s time to kick that too.

My personal best for long distance walking was 13 miles. At that time in my life, I was extremely manic and my life was experiencing a lot of changes too. I had just quit youtubing, experienced a major breakup, and had to move back home with two abusers. I was in an entirely new town and in a very triggering household. It wasn’t a good time. This manic phase was continued until I witnessed a night of horrible partner-on-partner abuse and then I quickly entered a depressive phase for a long while. Everything in my life started going wrong, and from then on I stopped walking as part of my weekly regime. I took up time at the gym, but it was not the same. My long walks were a time of healthy dissociation and meditation. Often when I had a troubling personal problem I could not find the answer to, the answers would come to me on these walks. Aided by adrenaline and healthy hormones flowing through me in these moments and good music that helped me express painful emotions, I worked through many incredibly hard things on these trips. They were crucial to my mental health at the time. I greatly miss them, and in this time of healing and light, I feel they could do me a lot of good again. Now in a new area where I am surrounded by farms past one direction in my house and city in another, come spring I am going to start walking again. I am a little impatient it’s pretty much only January. It’s been going down to the negatives at night already!

Until then, literally at the end of my street like 200 feet away is a cat shelter that I have applied and already volunteered at. I always knew I would benefit greatly from pet therapy, and while I can’t have a cat here, the next best thing is to be able to give a lot of cats who don’t get love otherwise, the attention they need and crave. And let’s be honest, I need their affection probably more than they need mine.

Also in this year I am going to be continuing my pesonal cooking and baking journey. I started this in 2016, and since I’ve learned and gotten good at a lot of recipes that I have loved sharing with others, and cooking for others. Over the winter, I plan on making a lot of bread, cookies, and muffins. I’ve already made killer chocolate chip muffins and gingersnaps straight from scratch. And vegan baking is a little more tricky than regular baking honestly.

Later in the year, as the Yule holidays approach, I am going to be researching more pagan topics, and getting to know and celebrate my new holidays more! I’ve already had a fun with a few! In my everyday schedule, I am going to work toward having more control over my new voice, and work up to someday being able to take vocal lessons. Lastly, as I did greatly in 2016 and this year, I am going to get to know a lot of my alters more, and lower the complicated and painful dissociative barriers between all of us. In the start of this year, I only knew of 3 or 4 of my alters, and almost nothign about them. Looking back, they have grown jsut as much as me since. Hector is moving in a healthy and non-violent direction, something I never thought I’d see happen. When I was dating the poly couple last year, I had a discussion with them about how my violent urges were dissipating and how much I felt better. This raised an unintentional rift between me and the guy of the relationship, as he is a very violent-centered person a lot of the time, suffering from intrusive thoughts, violent outbursts. I felt guilty for the separation coming between us; I almost held back my own growth to stay in a place he was out of guilt, and denial that I was outgrowing him in a different direction, a place that would have been devastating to my psyche and not healthy for anyone around me. Hector, the main alter who has carried a lot of my violent thoughts and feelings, would have been the main sufferer from this decision. Now, he’s taking on new interests that not only don’t hurt the system, but have us learning about new things, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

I am a person that I strive to grow in my empathy and the love I can extend to everyone around me. I only shut this off when it becomes harmful to me, like if someone was taking advantage of it. But outside of that, it is my main goal to learn about many points of view and be able to connect with them without losing my own morality, especially points of view I don’t agree on. This may not change my actions, but I will always try to remain respectful. This is something I consciously started working on this year, but unconsciously back in 2015. Having Hector be a person that does not hold us back from this, and affect the way we treat those who have hurt us in a negative way is crucial in moving forward in my goals for my life.

Blue has transformed himself in an incredible way this year. He is a lot more vocal about his needs with at least my partner. At the beginning of 2017, he started with saying very short and toddler like sentences. He can now carry on fluent and quite philosophical conversations for a 4 year old. The dissociative barriers from the summer alone have us able to switch most of the time at will now, which far as I know is only something that can happen after at least a partial integration. The fact he is willingly able to meet anyone at all is huge since he was neo-exiled a few years ago. While he still sexually self harms, especially after learning about my father this year, he is able to also now not be limited to these actions sexually, and can exhibit healthy sexual behavior.

Lothric grew a lot at the start of the year, then went dormant for the most part except through passive influence, which I have mixed feelings on. On one hand, its nice to no longer be in religious conflict. On another, my partner and one of her alters grew very close to Lothric, and then he had several alters unblend from him and leave him a very different person away from their influence, and they miss him and who he used to be a lot. Since we started a pintrest board for him and he has been unblending, he shed himself of so much darkness and became a person all about light and positivity. It could be useful to have him around still when things got bad.

2017 has been a year that has zoomed by, but my main goals of getting to know myself better, getting to a safe place and with good people in my life have been checked off the list, along with goals I set along the way like cooking, letting go of bad trauma-related items, and taking better care of my teeth!

I hope I am in as good as a place by the end of 2018.

#tw sex mention #tw meds #tw doctors #tw illness #tw abuse

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svbjetarch · 6 years

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❤ ( gixel )

.• ♕ ┊ LET THE MUSIC PLAY.

FIVE TIMES MEME Status : Accepting @anvmone

Axel ✗ Gimin THE FIRST "I'm not your fan," she had protested back then upon the question coming from his best friend, claiming he had seen her at one of the concerts they both had attended, making the girl grumble in her break. It was a silent day in the club and they had offered her to jsut sit the next performance out, working on her guests spending money on drinks was of more benefit to the club than standing on stage along with so many other girls who would be attendant up there anyways. She quickly had made her decision to stay down because it meant she could swoon over Axel for a bit longer, it was one of their first few conversations and she truly enjoyed it, not only was he the type she had declared as her ideal when she had seen him on stage, he was slowly turning into serious crush material the longer and more often she was talking to him, his relaxed character and the way he never seemed to rush anything, it was truly making her interested in him. "And I definitely don't love him," she added onto Brian's word, his teasing his best friend had slowly turned into teasing the both of them, it was as if he was aware of so many things that were yet to happen when she herself didn't even dare ask the rapper for a date. "So just shut up and down your drink so I can get the next round," she joked at them and tilted her head aside, her eyes darting back to the blonde, Axel truly managed to attract her attention over and over again, he was wonderful to look at him and the more she got to look at him, the more sketches of his face seemed to appear in her appartment, scattered on the ground, embarassing enough a painting with his face in wonderfully bright and soft colors, decorated with splatters in white, pink and blue hues, they had worked so very wonderfully and she truly hoped he was not going into art galleries as a hobby or else he would soon be faced with his own visage on the walls in such breathtaking colors, as if all the softness she saw in him where others might see harshness and rudeness had been brought out on her canvas. Good thing neither of them knew.

THE SECOND "I don't love you," she blurted out way too quickly, past the straw she was sipping on but seeing Axel's confused face, as much as confusion showed up on his face, made her slowly solve from the straw and look a bit longer at him, pressing her lips together for a moment. "That wasn't the exact question, right?" There seemed to be a hunch of amusement on the rapper's face, the kind of amusement that made her feel embarassed for she had basically given away her interest in the way her words stumbled out of her mouth way too soon when she hadn't even thought about it properly. "Did you like my stage yesterday?" The question was repeated and making her feel even more embarassed right this moment, she had misunderstood his words in the most awful of ways but she was a master of keeping her pokerface, while also picking up her coffee again to take another drag from the iced liquid, she truly enjoyed the bitter taste mixed with sweetness, black coffee with sugar, she liked the raw taste of brewed coffee powder mixed with that tooth decaying flavor of the second white gold. It was like their relationship, the bitterness of coffee displayed in his coldhearted ways, his lazy attitude seemingly dissolving whenever it was about her, the sugary taste of affection, they had such a unique relationship it might even be impossible for them to break it off, the strangest things were the onest that lasted the longest. "I liked your stage," she finally answered, putting her cup down to instead look at him, head tilted aside lightly, "But you got carried away. You lost your rhythm in the middle of it and you lost concentration during one line. Otherwise you were perfect." She smiled softly and the fact that he always accepted her opinion and seemed to pay attention to it, as if her opinion actually mattered to him, it made her heart thump heavily and her eyes to suddenly dart away as if the people walking by outside had suddenly become all that interesting.

THE THIRD "I don't love you," she wrote into their chat conversation, amusement evident as she read her crush's questioning reply, it was too funny to see his reaction to these out of the context words but there was a hidden meaning behind those, when she had been smaller and her father had asked her whether she wanted to join an art course, back then she had replied with No and her father had declared it as Say the Opposite day, it meant that on this day she could tell whatever lie and her father would know the true meaning, it had always been a fun activity to her and to now even lure Axel into this kind of childish play, it brought a special kind of amusement to her, made her grin as she turned around on her couch, her arms were covered in paint for she had been messing around on a project, merely the fact she had worn gloves had been protecting her hands from the excessive amount of colors and now equaled effortless typing on her phone. She wrote another message like that, writing the opposite of what she meant without any further explanation before she heaved herself up again, she needed to finish that painting before it was dark so it would be dry enough for the next layer on the upcoming day. Maybe or maybe not the face distorted by the many different colors, the figure's skin drawn in red, yellow and black, hair a mixture of white and beige, it oddly resembled him once again, as much as one could realize such behind the mess of coloration, it definitely was worthy of attention for the way everything could be recognized despite the slurred paints flowing into each other and creating a unique collaboration. It made her smile and soon enough was caught on her camera, the picture sent to her muse while she was well aware he would not yet be able to recognize himself within her art.

THE FOURTH "I don't love him," she mumbled as she was swaying her soju glass, she had had a little bit too much to drink but Somin had that kind of effect on her, it had been that way ever since they had been younger and back in the same crew, as soon as it had been legal for both of them to drink, they already had made it a habit to get drunk. That evening definitely was another cross on the list and now that Somin finally had a boyfriend of her own she had turned grossly interested into Gimin's love life and especially when they were drinking, making the singer grimace as she looked at her best friend. "But I'm close to it..." It was no lie, the more she spent time with her crush the closer she was to actually developing feelings for him, he was so very attractive to her but also attracting her, she just wanted to get closer to him. She groaned softly and downed yet another glass for she was feeling desperate for this, there was no way of telling whether Axel truly was interested in her or not, he wasn't the kind of man to show a lot of feelings, yet he was the kind to make it obvous once he had made his decision on whether he truly was interested in her or not, she could only wait for this day and be despairing all the time until that day. If she were to tell him too quickly, maybe he would feel cornered and just turn her down right that very moment, he wouldn't be her ideal type and crush if she weren't even aware of that little bit. "We need another bottle," she declared and put down her glass again, falling back in her chair with her head dropping low, staring up at the ceiling as she let out a sigh. "And maybe I need sex again..."

THE FIFTH "I don't love you," she whispered, fingers brushing through his lighty colored strands as if it were to sooth a kid, but he was asleep and he wouldn't listen to her few words, trying to reassure herself of the fact she didn't love him when she already knew the opposite so very well. He had fallen asleep on her lap while they had been watching a movie and it felt so natural, as if they were made for such a moment, this special kind of closeness, they had to be together like this for fate had drawn them together but he still hadn't given her a definite reply. She was sure of a thing, to whatever extent it was he liked her, he definitely did like her or otherwise he wouldn't be falling asleep on her lap like an oversized puppy, with his own dog curled together at his feet. It had been a rare evening for him to not give all of his attention to his fluffball but to her instead and she had enjoyed it so very much, it had given her a heart attack whenever he had reached to touch her or looked her directly into the eyes, only to get it racing right after. It was the lie of the year, no, she did not not love him, she had already fallen for him so very much it should be illegal for he had too much control over her but she had gotten to know him well enough, the more she would try to make a move on him without matching his speed the lesser her chances to actually get him hooked. Nevertheless she surely was on a great way already or he wouldn't be able to use her lap as pillow so very well, the sight was warming her heart yet again this night, a little smile appearing on her lips. "Are you feeling comfortable?" A low hum seemed to leave his lips, enough to make her feel content with the texture of her thighs for he seemed to like them as his new pillow now. Then again, he also had been one of the few men confident enough to walk up to such a self-assured woman like her and honestly give her compliments without the need of hitting onto her nor to insult her, he had just tried to show appreciation to her body the way she loved to compliment his rap skills.

THE ACT Gently her fingers found her way through his hair, sorting his dyed strands while she just watched his sleeping face, the way his usual cold demeanor turned into such an angelic calmness, she loved to just look at his face at these times just like she had done so often. She knew every single one of his lashes shown by his closing his eyes, the way his lips would part when his head tilted too far back and he looked like a complaining cat, those were the days when she found it most entertaining to watch him sleep because she just wanted to tap her fingers against his jaw and bottom lip until he were to wake up, wanting to see his reaction at such moment. Even now his lips were the slightest bit parted, looking so very inviting to her and she couldn't resist pressing a tender kiss to the softly colored parts. The contact lasted but a few seconds and yet it was enough to wake up her boyfriend, his hand clasping her neck to pull her closer and that innocent peck turned into a deep kiss, stealing all air from her lungs for she didn't want to miss a single second of this kiss. It made her smile softly but apparently that bit of a movement was enough to make him part from the kiss, retreating a few inches, just enough for her to look into his eyes directly. Dark brown enough to appear black to anyone who didn't look enough but it drew her in everytime again, making her lose her thoughts by even just looking into his eyes, such a simple thing and yet so effective... "I love you," she whispered without realizing it but once his eyes widened a bit, it had been the first time she had said it, she took note of it herself, biting her lower lip in embarassment. A few seconds passed, moments, he didn't react so she only grumbled and tried to push him away, palms pressed against his bare chest - dear god, this was not the right time to take note of the way his skin felt so very soothe beneath her fingertips, the way it sent electric shocks through her fingers, hands and arms towards her heart. He hadn't replied and she just had confessed, trying to put more effort into pushing him away but his nude rude ass didn't budge a bit, making her grumble louder in frustration. It only made her boyfriend grin and her lips were soon again captured by his, making her lose her mind to that single kiss and her hands soon moved away, allowing his body to lower onto hers as she wrapped her arms around his rips to interlace her fingers at his back, never wanting to let go of him ever. "I love you too", he whispered hardly audible but loud enough for her to hear, making her freeze for a moment just before she wrapped her legs around him, ignore the fact neither of them was wearing clothes thanks to how they had spent the previous night and she did not mind the least bit, if this meant to firm their shared feelings further, she would mind not going at it once again. "I love you," she repeated again with a wide smile, inbetween two kisses they had shared and quickly licking her lips when she was aware this was the last time to refreshen the moisture feeling of her mouth for what was now to come.

#anvmone #( Axel )#( Axel ✗ Gimin )#( replies .• ♕ ┊ Gimin )#( did I actually write the last and suck at it? I did. Do I regret it? Not the least. )#( drabble )

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pietro-capimagines · 7 years

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Our Eyes Ch. 4 (Steve x reader)

Hey lovelies. So, I’ll be continuing this series. It’s honestly not my best, but that’s okay. Once I get through this, I hope my creativity flows again. Gah, I hate this roadblock. Oh well, I guess lmao. xoxo

Description: You’re a quiet girl who hangs around coffee shops, capturing what you see onto paper. You’ve always minded your own business, never getting involved with anyone in any relationship for reasons you’d rather not say out loud. He’s a super soldier who keeps to himself, never one to really talk to anybody that he doesn’t have to. He’s been through a lot, but never talked about it, always shoving it into the back of his mind. A chance encounter makes some sort of connection between you two and suddenly everything changes. Your eyes tell a story, as well as his, but will either of you find the courage to say it?

Warnings: None

Chapter 3

Masterlist

Over the next couple months, you spent more time with Steve. He took you on countless dates, and they were always new and exciting. You grew very fond of him with each growing day, and it felt like you had known him forever. Even though he didn’t talk much about himself, you really liked him. Of course you wanted to know more, but you didn’t push it. You told yourself that he would tell you when he was ready. At this point you were beginning to question your relationship status, whether or not you considered yourself taken or available. You weren’t seeing anybody else, but was he?

Tonight you were curled up together on the couch watching re-runs of Full House. He hadn’t seen it before, but so far he was loving it. You had a blanket tossed over both of your legs as you rested your head on his shoulder, his arm around your waist. He had just laughed at something on the screen, but you didn’t know what he laughed at. The burning question was distracting you from your night in.

“F/N, are you okay?” He looked down at you, a smile still cracked on his face.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” You quickly nodded, and he directed his attention back to the computer screen. You blankly watched the show for the remainder of the episode. When it went through those few seconds transitioning from one episode to the next, you blurted out the question.

“Steve, what are we?” You said softly, looking up into his mesmerizing, blue eyes. Your expression was soft, and honest. He quirked his eyebrow at you, and realized what you were asking. He leaned forward and pressed the stop button on the computer. His arm released you and he positioned himself on the couch so he was facing you.

“Are we not… together?” Worry was in his voice, and he looked slightly humiliated for thinking that you were. His gaze moved to the ground next to you, his face tinging pink. He looked adorable. Your heart was slightly fluttering at the thought that you and Steve were a couple. You wanted much more than friendship, and now was your time to make that clear. You smiled at him, joy washing over your body.

“Aw, babe, I just didn’t know. We never really made it official. But, I hope you know I’d love to be your girl.” You winked at him, giggling into your shirt sleeve. His face lit up and a goofy grin replaced the sad frown. He tackled you on the couch, making both of you burst out laughing.

“Then you’re my girl, my best girl.” You pulled him down to you, smiling against his lips as he kissed you. This kiss was different from the ones he gave you after your dates. This one was passionate, and he wasn’t afraid to show it. You pulled away first, and looked up into his eyes. He was yours now, but he was still keeping something from you. And you were still keeping something from him. You were willing to tell him, you just needed to form the right words, hoping you wouldn’t scare him off.

The two of you sat there on the couch together, laughing and talking all night long. You laid your head in his lap, staring up at him, meeting his soft gaze. His eyes told you things, things that he wouldn’t say out loud, but it also held back. Little did you know, Steve could say the same about you. There was a story laying in his eyes, something that had affected him tremendously, and you were jsut waiting for him to reveal it to you. He played with your hair, rubbing your scalp and letting his fingers run through your soft, H/C locks. You two sat there in silence, and you realized that you were ready. You were ready to tell him about your painful past, the past that you put behind you.

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, the silence beckoning you to say something. You looked up and him again, and opened your mouth to speak.

“Steve, there’s something that you should know…”

Aghhhhhhhh I’m like seriously face palming right now, because I feel like this series kind of is faltering. I’m going to try to write through it, and hopefully all is well by the end. By the way, I want to thank you all for getting “Behind Closed Doors” to almost 400 notes in just over a week! Also, I want to thank you all for following me because I never thought I would get to this point. I’m less than 5 followers away from 400 and I’m literally going to cry. You’re all amazing and I love you guys so much. xoxo

TAGLIST IS OPEN.

Taglist:

@barely-emily @purplekitten30 @mcfuccfairy @fandomlover2001@elegantnightmareshiro@buckysplumfondler@arabellaaurorabarnes@imgettingmarriedtobuckybarnes@badassbaker @life-is-fuucked

#steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers fic #captain america #captain america x reader #captain america imagine #fluffy #marvel fluff #steve rogers fluff #avengers #civil war #the first avenger #reader #reader insert #reader imagine

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incaseofjeon · 7 years

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hellooo i just finished reading lucky strike and i really like your writing!!! it's the second thing of yours i've read :) for some reason i can relate a lot to JK?? in his decision to run away i mean HAHA really interesting style too especially at the beginning, when i was starting to get into the plot. i look forward to reading your other stuff! :) a few questions though (and i'm sorry if this has been asked) but 1. what was jimin's power?? 2. what are your fav books? yay! thanks!! -c

omgg THANK YOU SO MUCH ;A; im so so so happy that you read that fic and enjoyed it ahhhhdhsfjds ;__; though ohh i wonder what the first of my fics you read was 👀? hahfbds

and im glad you found his character relatable ;;;; when writing it his story was also the one sort of closest to me personally? so im really glad that other people found him relatable too ahhfjddsj so jUST. thank you!!! thank you so much, for reading and for taking the time to tell me this T–T im really happyy

as for your questions! here ill put them under a read-more bc i just know im gonna get rambly omfgdf

ok so, jimin’s power - I’M ACTUALLY SO GLAD YOU ASKED, because it’s a part of the story that almost no one’s asked about even though it’s kind of a big deal for jimin. which is….jimin doesn’t have a power lmaO. almost everyone in that au has superpowers; its the norm to have one, but fic!jimin just..doesn’t. it’s something he’s probably felt odd about growing up; in his growing years he probably tended to feel like he had to work extra hard to be sort of special or noticed and stuff T-T that’s also part of the reason he originally was drawn to jeongguk in school after the dictionary incident - by that age he’d kind of started to guess that he wasn’t going to develop a power, since it’s really rare for it to develop any later than teenage years, and jeongguk was the first person he’d known to not like his own power ;; so to jimin it was kind of eye-opening to realise that the power he’d always been upset about not having could possibly bring harm as well as good ahjsbdsjhd..so yeAH!! im so so glad you asked this omdfd i feel like..im finally doing fic!jimin justice in telling his unwritten story T–T

and MY FAVOURITE BOOKS. omfg there’s so so many im just going to list as many as i can think of off the top of my head:

1. The Raw Shark Texts (by Steven Hall)

this one is one of my all time favourites, and a HUGE huge huge inspiration in writing that’s left an impact on me for a really long time ;; IT’S SO UNDERRATED but it’s super gripping and interesting and experimentally fresh, and has really well-written themes of like love and loss and unfaithful memories and losing memories and a lot of cool internal/mental things like that! the ending is super cool to me, too ;;; the writing style is like nothing ive ever really seen anywhere else and is just super compelling in the way the author selects and arranges certain simple words in un-simple ways? and there are many parts of this book that are ambiguous in what exactly happened; that’s exactly why i love it? idk i jsut - i get super super excited about this book pleasE READ IT

2. The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake (by Aimee Bender)

actually, i have loved about every single thing by aimee bender that i’ve read, but this is the only novel of hers ive read so far so i’ll go with that hjsbdjhsf…her short story collections are super lovely too, some of my favourite short stories by her are Job’s Jobs, Appleless, Death Watch, Motherfucker, I Will Pick Out Your Ribs (from My Teeth), and Faces. Aimee Bender is really one of my favourite authors ever, she has a really distinctive style and flavour thats creative and poetic and charmingly matter-of-fact all at once, that makes the most mundane stuff seem magical and the most magical stuff seem mundane. like. idk. IM REALLY IN LOVE with her writing ;;;;; ahdsbfjhbfds please check her out if you can!!!

3. A Wrinkle in Time & its sequels (by Madeleine L’Engle)

this whole series is just..really lovely in its ideas and hopeful and really gave me a huge sense of wonder the first time i read it? and there are some scenes in it that were just so beautifully magical (even though it’s actually sci-fi) and moving that i’ve never forgotten them to this day ;___; even though i first read it when i was 11 lmaO. but really, this is so soso osos o lovely idk if youve ever read it but i hope you have/get to read it some day abfdf

4. The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo

jhasgfjhs kate dicamillo is another of my all time favourite writers, i grew up hunting library shelves for her name lmao her writing is just..really beautiful in its ideology and style? there’s something very pure and innocent and whimsical and so so poetic about the things she writes and the way she tells stories, i always tend to read her stuff in one sitting bc it’s just so hard to stop ;;; i love her work so so much

5. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

i actually…can’t remember the exact story of this anymore BUT I DO remember that when i read it, i was completely blown away by the power of the writing style? bradbury’s writing is just…really distinctive in a heavier kind of way? like it’s poetic but kind of grips you around the heart idK im not sure how to explain it. i’m always stunned at the way he chooses his words and crafted his world in this book ajhsfbjd i love it sooo much ;;; i want to reread soon sdhfds

6. The Monstrumologist series (by Rick Yancey)

THIS ONE IS SO UNDERRATED i love it omg..it’s more gory and dark than most the things ive mentioned but the gore never feels like..needless? idk. i just love it so much and the kinds of ideas like the blurring of lines between man and monster, as well as the changing relationships of growing up - the book series just handles that so so well and with a really exciting gripping plot too ahdgsd i love it i love iiit. my fav book in the series is probably the lsle of Blood; there’s a line in there about a plate that haunTS ME ALWAYS

7. Skellig and Kit’s Wilderness by David Almond

david almond is another writer i grew up reading ahhHH it’s honestly been too long for me to exactly remember what i loved about these 2 books - BUT I LOVE THEM

8. The Seas by Samantha Hunt

i actually am reading this book literally right now, so i havent reached the ending and im not sure if ill still love it as much as i currently do by that point, but so far i definitely am loving it SO much!! the writing and metaphors and characterisation are so damn beautiful and interesting and the writer has a lovely flow and really fresh way of arranging words and delivering ideas ;; it’s just really prettily and freshly and creatively written ;A; plus, i have this…Thing for the ocean so i love that a central part of this book is about the sea ahhH

9. Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami

I WISH I HAD MORE HARUKI MURAKAMI THINGS TO TALK ABOUT but this is the only of his books ive found so far - and I LOVE IT TO DEATH. i actually read norwegian wood and the particular sadness of lemon cake in the time period when i wrote my latest fic (thought you knew) and they really ;;; damn, a double whammy of inspiration omfg. norwegian wood is just…really really interesting and deep and real without being too heavy-hearted in the way it talks about things like relationships, devotion, alienation and loss? idk, it’s just- i love it so so so much, especially the ending paragraph ahhhh

10. Cathedral and A Small, Good Thing (by Raymond Carver)

THESE ARE TECHNICALLY SHORT STORIES, not books. but i just love them so much i have to mention them ;;; i honestly love raymond carver and his way of writing a lot, he just..he says so much with so little? he’s a huge inspiration i look up to like crazy especially when it comes to crafting dialogue ahhh. i also really love his poem Hummingbird!

11. The Devotion of Suspect X by Keigo Higashino

idek where to start with this one..THE PLOT IS JUST. FUCKING BRILLIANT and it’s a really interesting take on the idea of devotion, especially devotion to..um..unhealthy kinds of levels? idk. it’s just….so well thought through and super cool i was Mind Blown™ when i read it kasjndskdf

12. Bunker 10 by J.A. Henderson

this is another one in team BLEW MY FUCKIGN MIND ahhh ;; i read it super super long ago but the plot is so so good? it’s the kind that’s a bit confusing at first, but then everything gets revealed and i’m completely shook and eye-opened and want to read it again with the new knowledge, you know what i mean? just- i cant remember what the writing style was like but the PLOT and setting was soo so so cool T—T

and that’s…all i can think of at the moment ajhbfjsdhf IM SORRY YOU PROBABLY DIDNT EXPECT ME TO BE SO EXTRA AS TO GIVE SUCH A LONG ASS REPLY but im just…..very very very passionate and invested in the books i love, ok. im so. akjsfbjhdsf

anyway yeah!! thank you so soso soso SO much for reading my writing and liking it and making the effort to let me know ;;;; im really so happy reading and replying to your message, it means so much to me T-T i hope you have a great great day ilY anon c!!!

#i will tag this as #anon c #anon angels #happy camper #fic asks #lucky strike asks #case logs #books

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