#yes this is me coping with my feelings again

[panlight]

The discussions around Bella's choice to become a vampire are always so interesting to me, as it's usually centered around how she should have the agency to live and choose the life she wants for herself and like, of course.

But . . . the life she is choosing is vampirism. It's not about whether she's going to college or not, getting married or not, having children or not. She's actively choosing to become a supernatural creature whose intended prey is human beings. Sure, she ends up being instantly amazing at NOT killing people, but she had no way to know that. Statistically, the odds were not in her favor. This choice she is making was potentially putting humans at risk for eternity. That, to my mind, removes it from being a morally neutral decision about living the best life for herself.

Even the narrative itself doesn't give a whole lot of weight to the morality/ethics of making this choice. It's much more about the things Bella will give up (most of which she doesn't even end up having to give up, although she didn't know that), and a little about how upset it would make Charlie for her to disappear. Bella approaches the idea that she might kill people with humor, ("I guess I could throw in a few extra homicides, if it makes Jasper happy. Why not?" and "does this screw my total?") which could very well be a coping mechanism. But you never really feel the WEIGHT of it; it's like since SM knew Bella was going to be a perfect vampire it wasn't really worth wringing one's hands about. Even Edward is more worried about Bella's soul and whether she will be unhappy as a vampire like Rosalie, and not like, "what if you become a ravenous killing machine?" And maybe it wouldn't matter that much if Bella were presented as something other than this uncommonly selfless and Good person, but since she is, you'd think "oh God what if I accidentally murder Charlie or Mike or Jessica?" would keep her up at night. But she just trusts that Edward/the Cullens will stop her from eating people and that's kind of the end of it.

And AGAIN, yes I know it's really a romance and it was telegraphed pretty strongly that Bella wasn't going to become a people-eating menace and this is no doubt just me coming at everything from the Vampire Story angle again but, IDK. Always feels weird to me when potential future murders aren't a factor when discussing Bella's choices, that it's just treated as choosing any other life path. Then again, her romance with Edward has a body count even before she becomes a vampire, so what's a few more?

[pansear-doodles]

imposter syndrome is a bitch

it can happen to artists you think are already enough or are skilled and great in your eyes

as much as it motivates us to improve ourselves and do better, its still not a pleasant feeling at all

its a persistent cycle of admiring someone who doubts themselves and i dont think its selfish to think that "you're not good enough"

because life has been cruel to us and for most of our lives we've been taught to "suck it up" or that we fear that our outputs are invalid in some way or mean nothing to anyone- the outputs that have parts of ourselves in it, even if it isn't meant to take a part of ourselves- it still came from us nonetheless

posts can easily say that you should be kind to yourself more but when it comes to trauma and something that's been with you since childhood, it's not as simple to shake off

it can take years and years- varies for every individual- and even then the people around you, the world and even yourself will change

as much as its awkward or a downer to see, be kind to artists who are hard on themselves. its not your obligation to give them attention. no, i dont think every single person who sees a vent post should come up to the person and be there for them to cry on their shoulder.

i just think at the very least we should understand that every single person you meet and the artists you admire are imperfect, and they will continue to think crappy thoughts about themselves- unlike in fantasies where its some simple character arc that is a story obstacle that can be overcome and forgotten about- fantasy is meant to be a fulfillment- a desire.

we are real human beings, but we can learn and grow and live.

#this is unfortunately why some of my friendships ended. this insecurity has controlled a lot of my life but im trying to break from it #often id see people with the bigger numbers and i tell myself to be better or if im not good enough. i cant help but feel that #“trauma isnt an excuse” for shitty behavior towards others? yes. but for people thinking crap about themselves and cant help it? not really #do you think i can be not sad at the flick of a switch? you assume i can emotionally cope well as much as everyone else simply? why? #anyway to all of my mutuals who think harshly of themselves. youre all alright. we are all here to have a good time. take things slow. #this might just me being silly neurodivergent again but there's nothing wrong with being careful like this. it *may* just be me after all #but who knows but me #thoughts

[autistic-katara]

there r fics that make u insane (so amazingly good it’s removed ur sanity) and then there’s fics that make u insane (you need to fistfight the author for how they did a specific thing that caused u to rant for hours)

#i know i just posted that other thing but ffs that is NOT how u handle someone in that situation everyone involved made everything 10x worse #yet it’s being treated like the right thing to do (which again ofc they’re cops they don’t understand harm reduction but still) like #seriously everything’s so forceful like u seriously think forcing ur friend to talk to u or forcing a patient to talk to a therapist under #the threat of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital is gonna make her feel comfortable talking to u? or anyone? she’s just gonna trust u #less and get better at hiding it and speaking of which the taking away all sharp objects thing makes sense in theory but like think abt it #for a minute she confirmed she isn’t suicidal and this is her only way of coping so do not just forcibly take away all her coping mechanism #like yes she is hurting herself but it’s a COPING MECHANISM. she’s coping with something. help her with that don’t just take away her penci #sharpers or whatever (which btw since she’s an adult she could easily buy more stuff and yk learn to hide it better) which again has to be #voluntary it isn’t gonna work if u force someone to do smthn they don’t want to like as ur friend u could’ve made it clear u care abt her #and wouldn’t judge her for anything and r here if she wants to talk don’t just say “you have to talk to me” and casually threaten #hospitalisation when she isn’t ready in the moment like seriously if this wasn’t a badly written fanfic she would completely stop trusting #bcz given that this wasn’t even done out of panic i would like ffs u are NOT doing any of this right #oops sorry ranted abt the bad fic in my tags- #it’s not where the author’ll see it and know it’s about them i don’t feel bad abt it #this was my first time even looking at stuff for this fandom so #cw self harm in tags #idk if i need to tag anything else for that 😭 #fanfic #ao3 #ryan shut the fuck up

[thisisemsblog]

#atyd sirius #atyd #wolfstar #i kid you not this scene lives rent free in my mind istg #it just perfectly summarizes wolfstar #more specifically in atyd #but just overall too #in canon au's ig #like they love each other so so much but also they have so much fucking trauma and cope with it very differently and kt causes problems #like they both haven't had a good childhood and love scares them shitless #but sirius clings to it he doesn't let go he wants to consume you #and remus is always wary he holds himself back out of some self preservation instincts he developed #he believes he's not worth it yes but sirius believes that too #they fear the same damn thing but express it differenly #sirius wants to know everything there is about remus but this goes against everything remus knows #so they fight and feelings are broken #like the “mr 'tell me a fucking secret'” fight? it was this. #again during the war #sirius doesn't trust remus bc he realizes he's holding back again #and remus believes sirius has finally gotten tired of him #bc yk he's always waiting for ppl to leave #abandonment issues #anyway #thank you for coming to my ted talk

[atlantis-just-drowned]

Brain: Hey what if I told you we'll be starting to develop a crush on that random human being?

Me: Okay! *distance myself from that person and make the relationship seem impossible in my mind until my feelings disappear*

#ways to cope with your feelings: drown them. #in a pool full of piranhas preferably. #just analyzing my own way of functioning and it turns out i have problems #*starts singing the brobecks while running away from my crushes* EEEEVERYONE ISSSS BEEEEETTER THAN MEEEEEE I THINK #no but fr i went from 'doing the unthinkable to be liked back' to 'they won't like me ever let's just drop this shit and run away' #that's why i relate to thins song yes i renounced to my own identity for a guy once #don't recommend it wouldn't do it again if you ever think about doing this slaps yourself ten times in the face and think again please #anyway that's it don't crush on real people they will break you down and let you die alone thank you goodbye #feelings #crush #crushes #being in love #mental health #mental illness #whispers from atlantis

[taee]

final receiptify of 2023 tagged by @livelocks ♡

#thank you for tagging me sher hehe <3 #i like how your list is so in order LOL like the tracks from the same artists are all consecutive?? #anw my spotify activity is always so telling #yes...i miss tae...a lot... #and then when i'm feeling too much i listen to eight to cope so she's right there again LMAO #tagging anyone who wants to share their list! #tag games

[citrine-elephant]

gotta say, dissociation is a great survival mechanism and i'm absolutely fascinated every single day by psychology in general, and my own personal brain chemistry

just being an "outside observer" to my own internal struggles? so weird. so cool! love how weird the brain is and how complex the skullmeat is.

#personal #vent #see my mental health was going great until situations happened #but dissociation is protecting me from spiraling too far which is so cool! #but also i got better coping mechs and experience now #like the inspiration! #exploring leon's deep dpression again yeah? #the idea of 'what's the point in crying/panicking when it doesn't change what's out of my control?' #yes it can be toxic! crying feels good man #no bottling that shit up #but radical acceptance of the situation and acknowledging that 'yeah i can't do shit about it' is a way to deal with it #do what you can #don't hang on to what you *can't* #SO ANYWAY just that mindset of 'yeah tho wtf is the point of crying' i wanna use with leon #with leon it can be more toxic until post-vendetta ok #it feels good to be a fucking wreck *through* characters #helps process that shit #take care my tag readers <3

[clochanamarc]

so the temperatures are meant to drop down to the low-to-mid twenties next week and i'm just hoping and praying that that'll mean my productivity levels shoot up again!

#( OUT OF SOULS. ) #( it's 31 degrees rn ) #( i washed my hair last night and now i need to wash it again ) #( idek how to cope with this ) #( i feel GROSS but i also find it so funny when people look at me with increasing confusion ) #( and then go '..........where are you FROM?' ) #( and i'm standing at the podium sweating like i just ran a ten kilometer ) #( 'ireland--' 'AH! YES! okay tysm' ) #( i assume they think i'm just burning a fever or smth ) #( bc i've seen people arrive in sweaters )

[katya-goncharov]

can't wait till i quit my job can't wait till i quit my job can't wait till i quit my job can't wait till i quit my job -

#ugh i'm just so annoyed that they keep putting me on overtime shifts #i'm only supposed to do 17 hours a week and that's all i signed up for! but literally like 90% of the weeks i'm scheduled in for or have #worked i've been put on extra shifts. and it's never just like a few hours extra. it's always an extra 6 hour shift at stupid early in the #morning and extended hours on all my other days and whenever i try to very timidly suggest that i'd rather not do too much the managers are #just like oh but you said you were available at those times! and like yes i did but i thought i'd maybe get one overtime shift a month! not #literally every fucking week. and just because i'm technically available on some days of the week doesn't mean i never have any plans then #so you can't just schedule me without asking! and it's about mentally coping too because i really feel like i'm going to get burnt out. i'v #barely had any time to do my university summer work and i've already had to reschedule a tutorial because i got put on extra shifts that da #and ugh sorry for ranting AGAIN but it's just making me feel so stressed and awful. i really don't want to do those extra shifts but it's #something i feel like i can't really say no to and i just didn't think employers would be so entitled like that. just scheduling me in #constantly as if they have this unquestioning right to my free time #emma vents

[autisticlee]

sometimes I think about how I was legitimately the most hated and bullied kid in my entire class, and probably entire school. I knew this as a fact. there was nothing I could do about it. not just by the kids either, but the teachers/staff as well. all because I was autistic and unable to speak and they didn't want to treat me decently. and I ask why. (rhetorically of course, because I know all the excuses given as answers)

being an autistic kid and knowing damn well this is true, that you're the most hated person in the entire building with not a single person on your side, knowing you're the main target for everyone's aggression every day, is....truly something. you know. like carrying the weight of everyone's hatred and negativity on your back alone, being their punching bag, internalizing their hatred for then. from ages 4 to 18. nonstop. never getting better. never knowing why. not being able to stop it. never getting any help. on your own and alone. blamed for it all.

yet i'm simply told to "get over it/stop caring" and get blamed for it fucking me up and having a lasting effect. lmao ok. let me just forget more than half my life existed at this point and magically get better! thanks!

#those assholes are lucky I didn't have the heartless soul to take revenge on them or something. #instead it just became internalized trauma 🙃 #lee rambles #autistic #autism #actually autistic #school trauma #what would they have done if i lost my shit and lashed out at them???? #the most i was ever able to do was take a plastic knife and stab an apple at lunch while glaring at a table of the kids #that scared them enough to leave me alone for a few days. then theh forgot and back at it again #why is it always the victim's fault and the bullies win? even years after the fact. why cant my brain “get over it” like people tell me :/ #and yes i was able to get a therapist. no it hasnt helped yet. i do all the coping stuff she suggests already #basically distractions and whatnot. no it hasnt cured me. #she always tells me i have good coping mechanisms. im doing a good job. i deal with things reallt well. ok why am i still a mess 🙃 #its almost as if theres no cure and only pretending #what am i rambling about. this sounds like an emotional rant but i genuinely feel nothingness atm. just reminiscing how fucked up it all was #why were things like that allowed to be put onto one single child and why did they never get any help or justice and are blamed #s i g h s #also ive always felt like no one believed me when i said i was the most hated and bullied kid at school. it is 100% true lmao unfortunately

[blessedshortcake]

Theres something very haunting about looking exactly like the man who caused most of your traumas

#i didnt take into account that looking though my sisters facebook will probably lead to seeing pictures of my father again #i feel sick #we have the same smile #how am i supposed to cope with that? yes i am me but everytime i smile i remember i look like a carbon copy of him #i dont want to smile anymore #what am i supposed to do #hey at least ill never smoke lmao #well never again #this sucks so much #it was a horrible idea to look at those pics #delete later #cake rants #vent

[mifunebooty]

I think more of my relationship with my mom just gradually took more and more hold of me even though it always did and i think being home all the time in covid, even though i was already alone on campus, just made me believe in her advice and pushing more and that shit was just fucked

#cherry says #i took 4 spanish classes dropped out of 2 of them took them again and i went YES ILL BE A SPANISH TEACHER #so fucked i agreed to be a spanish teacher #i think home made the worse things better #u cant feel the hit as much as everything else #instead of fearing classes next semester i just didnt feel anything at all i didnt feel nothing at all to it #my ocd made me settled in from day to night deeper and deeper my mom started to have a bigger hold #also because i wanted to change my major to something more artsy and my mom was saying she was disappointed in me and shit #we were like fucking text fighting girl im watching westworld #i think my moms reaction got even worse thats what it was it wasnt disappointment it was then fear not to the real world but everything else #my ocd started to only cope for everything around me even home my mom was then comparing my major change to betrayal #i wanted everything to just be okay as it was i think i just bent myself to other forces but me #godly that hurts to even say but again i liked routine i liked the complete feeling #even if my intrusive thoughts surrounded random bits of helplessness of my life #WELL SPRING 2021

[purewater100]

i like to think my mental health isn't that bad, and that my disorders haven't impacted me that hard, but then i'll have nights like this where i'll realize just how badly i've fucked myself and it really, really sucks lol.

these past 4 years, can i even call it living? though, i think the worst part is i know it's not gonna stop at 4. i know once this year ends, the next will be just as bad if not worse, and i will have to live through not just that year, but every year after it knowing the only person i can blame for my misery is myself.

#vent #if i had just tried would things have been different? #if i had accepted the help given if i hadn't let my fear control me if i hadn't just given in thinking it would work itself out #would i be happier? #it's all rhetorical. i know the answer is yes lmao #and i know it's no ones fault but my own #no one in my life understands just how bad it is and i don't know how to explain it to them; or if i even want to #because then i'd have to admit i need help. and i know i do. i know something's wrong and i know i can't get better without help #but the thought of actually saying that out loud of actually working through all the things that make me scared and uncomfortable and upset? #it makes me feel sick #this life is all i can really remember. everything before either upsets me and pushes me farther away from the 'real world' or i just don't #remember it anymore. #how could i cope with that? how could i leave this life and...go out..how could i go out and live a real life #when this is the only life i remember anymore? #this sounds pathetic i sound fucking insane lmfao whatever #i don't know if this makes sense #i'm so miserable #i just want to be normal again i want to have friends again i want to be able to go to the store and walk around my neighborhood and #and i don't know #i just want to live