#yknow i felt so alone at so many points but i really really wasn't | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

burnadicarwoz · 5 months

Note

hi!! that same anon again checking in again, I'm so glad I could help!

a few points I wanted to make in response (and one that I feel like I should have said in my original ask)-

you don't have to label yourself as anything if you don't want to. the bisexual vs pansexual vs queer labels are understandably a bit confusing (especially when you're new to this), but those all generally mean "into more than one gender" or whatever they mean to You as you learn more about yourself! labels are not mandatory by any means, but if it helps you and you like whichever one, you can use any that you think fit!

as for having attractions to guys like Markiplier and the waiter deltarune character, I think that's a pretty good indicator of not being straight. there were so many male characters (and people) I had crushes on that I didn't even register as being genuine attractions to guys because... I thought everyone felt that way towards them, since it wasn't strictly sexual attractions. and I also had the same problem with not realizing that about myself because a LOT of the guys around me were mainly asshole dude-bros- but lo and behold, took me like 10 years to figure out I just like guys who Aren't That and who make me feel safer! so I get what you mean.

additionally, relating to bi characters would also make sense for that. of course not something that means you're bi (or etc other labels) but with the ^^^ other stuff, can definitely correlate!

and finally, if you have any LGBT+ clubs or groups in your area, it may be worth joining in one! I think generally colleges or libraries have at least one, depending on where you live. If not for meeting less "lad" type guys, I'm sure they would love to answer any questions you have. that also goes for online groups! I don't know exactly how to find them on tumblr, but I'm sure other websites like reddit have spaces like that where you can meet other bi/pan/queer/etc people (and maybe make new friends!) which I'm sure probably sounds incredibly intimidating, but I promise it feels so much less alone when you have people who understand around you and would be a good first step to broadening your horizons.

take care!

And hello again my good anon. Just a few small things to say here now (unlike the mountain of text of men talk I had before)

For labels, I feel most comfortable with bi, that's why I say that one for myself. And even so, I ain't someone who will be putting it in their bios or whatever. Don't really wear anything about myself on my sleeve if that makes sense, so while I will give myself the bi label so I know what to call it in future, it won't be needed much outside of that. Just good to know for when I'm older.

MY GOD, reading that I didn't have to be sexually attracted to my male crushes to still find them attractive was so validating to see. It just makes me happy I guess, knowing that liking them meant something, and that I could enjoy being around people like that (and being able to enjoy it so much just makes me more happy somehow). And yeah, good guys are so hard to find these days due to the lot of them being pigs. Even the ones I am mates with and I do enjoy being around, it still would be nice to have 1 guy that doesn't look or act like a shaved rat mixed with an ape.

Hell yeah, get to thank video games for my sexuality now, fuck yeah (yeah tho with everything else the evidence is damning lol)

If I do have any more questions or worry about bi sexuality I'll definitely go find a group next. I'm taking all this well since I ain't planning on going on the market for a while (stuck in the same place for a while, good ones already passed by, yknow) so I haven't had to worry about applying any of this yet. But when I do I will find people to talk to about it.

Enjoy yourself mate, bye!

#bisexual #lgbtq #gay shit #lol

0 notes

stellocchia · 2 years

Note

Yknow, the cool but also frustrating thing about the Tommy lore is the whole... Well... Limbo thing.

Like. Not the actual stuff happening rn but how it makes me think about like. How limbo works and shit.

Like I have up trying to figure out how it would work on larger scale (Wilbur's torment mostly seemed to consist of his loneliness, so would it still be the fucking torment we know it as if he just died after a shit ton more people?)

So because that particular line of thought just leads me to frustration at this I don't. Yknow. Think about that aspect.

But with the revival thing being a topic dream brings up all the time I keep thinking about other aspects.

Like.

Can limbo change? Like. Not while someone's there but like. Dreams plan is to repeatedly kill and revive Tommy. Would his limbo just always stay a void? Would it adjust as Tommy's perception of... Well .... Everything changes due to new experiences of suffering? Would limbo for Tommy have been the same if he actually didn't hit water in logsted? What about the nether incident? Is limbo something organic that changes as the person does? Because surely it has to, right?

Also, this fand often portrays Ranboos limbo as like. Him stuck under an ocean or just in water in general. Which I feel would be.... Off. Because limbo is more about psychological suffering than physical. Like. Yeah. Physical suffering also played a part in Tommy's limbo but that also felt Les physical physical than it felt psychological physical... Uhh... That sounds stupid.... Like. Being unwound like a wrongly knotted scarf is not something any actual nerves in our body could like. Make us feel yknow?

There's also the headcanons for Tubbos to be the festival which also seems kinda off to me because... Limbos have always been more abstract? Like Wilbur's is a subway station. Not pogtopia or lmanberg or anywhere we remember him being. Tommy's is a void. Not pogtopia or logsted or the lcrater or even the prison cell designed to check so many boxes of his triggerlist. It'd be kinda... Weird if tubbos was just him reliving his trauma. Like. Don't get me wrong. That's fucking hell. But it's too... Idk.

Plus, I don't think there's any like... NPC's in limbo? Like. The only other people are other dead souls. There's no faceless Pogtopian vilbur daunting Tommy or blank masked dream tormenting him.

One of the big things about limbo seems to be that nothings really happening there.

Like Tommy was the specific person we know was enduring "physical" pain on top of the psychological torture and he still talked to Wilbur. Rather "casually".

Limbos not the terrifying mind blanking pain that makes you unable to think. No. You are aware. Very aware. That's part of the point

Also, I'm low-key curious how Tommy would have experienced limbo if Wilbur wasn't there. Like. From what I understand Wilbur kept messing with him during his time there and kept freaking him out. I wonder, if he had been alone. Would he have reacted similarly to how Wilbur had?

Tbh we don't even know if limbo is always shared or if it's just shared to. Yknow. Optimise the experience.

Were schlatt and Wilbur put together to make it worse for both? Did Tommy get put with them just because Wilbur would make it worse for him?

What about nonhumans like slime and Michael??

Is slime with ghostbur rn? Is RANBOO?

Because I don't quite remember if ghostbur just traded places with Wilbur in actual limbo or if he got some mock limbo that's like. Not actually connected with the... Big limbo?

I mean even if he isn't there. Are ranboo and slime in the same limbo?

Just. I'm not going to say that limbo is well thought out or anything. But man it's something I can't help but be curious about and that's worth something.

Hhhhhhh, Cat you know how much I love the idea of Limbo in the smp! You're making me rant on purpose now...

Either way, I honestly think that a lot of things concerning how death works in the smp are extremely fascinating.

Limbo in particular it's pretty interesting in how it works. And, if c!Dream goes through with what he said he wanted to do, we may also get an answer to your initial question of "does Limbo change for the individual?". Honestly, I think that to form a reliable theory on that we would need to find out what exactly determines what Limbo looks like for each person. Because if it's tied to people's deepest fears it may be possible for it to change in time, but it would be really hard.

Then, of course, there are other options of what your Limbo could be determined from: it could be based on the circumstances of your death (in which case it may change from time to time), it could be a fixed thing assigned to the person themselves (in which case it wouldn't change), or it could be based on a myriad of other things.

Honestly, c!Dream would do me a favor if he actually experimented with that stuff on stream. Could be interesting from a purely scientific point of view.

Then, of course, there are the fandom representations of Limbo. And I agree with you on that. I often find them sort of... lacking? I guess? Because oftentimes they're tied to physical places we've seen in the story (which doesn't seem to be the case for any of the people whose limbos we've had a glimpse of) or physical pain (which, as you mentioned, is not the case). It's a pity because you could think of stuff that's a bit more original. Like, even if you wanna tie them to specific traumas. If you want Tubbo's execution for Tubbo you can simply put him in an extremely colorful and bright room. For Ranboo, instead of going for physical pain like with water, we could simply go with the feeling of not being able to breathe. So, perhaps a Limbo similar to Tommy's own, only full of something he can't quite grasp.

Just, there are so many cooler options...

And also the sharing part is interesting. Because, of course, Wilbur wasn't actually alone at any point. Schlatt died before him and we know they shred Limbo (though, of course, that's not optimal). And I could see your point about this being done to optimize their suffering if it wasn't that MD also shared their Limbo after he died, which improved the situation for Wilbur at least.

So, that begs the question of what are the criteria for people sharing a Limbo?

Why were Wilbur, Schlatt, MD, and Tommy alone in there? Hadn't other people died before in that world? We know they had because we know that "The Village That Went Mad" was set in the past, so where are the souls of those people? Do souls stay in Limbo forever or do they move on to the afterlife after a while? Is there even an afterlife or is Limbo all there is? If there is one what are the requirements for a sould enetering it?

And also, of course, there are peculiar cases. Like, was Hell Jack's Limbo? Was Hell the afterlife instead? Jack was able to bring himself back to life, what are the requirements to be able to do that?

Is the gym Schlatt's Limbo? If yes, why is it a physical place in the real world? Are Glatt and Limbo!Schlatt the same entity?

Ghostboo described his Limbo as a ball, implying that he WAS in Limbo before Ranboo's death, or at least existed there long enough for him to see Ghostbur and decide not to interact with him, does that mean that the ghosts of a person are pre-existing entities that come from Limbo?

From Wilbur's Reddit posts we can infer that, unlike Limbo!Wilbur, Ghostbur doesn't seem to share a Limbo with any of the Limbo people, but he does seem to share one with Ghostboo, does that imply that ghosts have their own shared version of Limbo?

Why did Tommy not have a ghost? Do ghosts need a certain amount of time before they can manifest? Would Tommy have a ghost if he'd stayed dead longer?

Why do Ghost!MD and Limbo!MD seem to be the same entity? Does the ghost thing simply work differently for everyone?

And, as you pointed out, do all non-human entities share the same limbo? Or is there a different type of Limbo for every non-human entity? Or is there one for ghosts and one for everyone else, since they seem to work in a very peculiar way?

There are just so many questions regarding Limbo, it's fascinating to think about.

#ladycatland ask #dream smp #long post

44 notes · View notes

resident-leevil-old · 3 years

Text

okay well anyways somebody asked me if i felt like talking about my raccoon city survivors au with mia and ethan again and the answer is YES.

> AU MINI FACTS <

- Ethan's mother died while giving birth.

- Ethan Winters and his father moved into Raccoon City when Ethan was a baby, around 3-4 years old.

- Ethan trans ftm because im trans and i said so.

- Mia trans mtf because im trans and i said so.

- Ethan & Mia are childhood friend to lovers in this au.

- Ethan's father worked for Umbrella, and Mia's father worked for the Connections while her mother also worked for Umbrella.

- Mia was born in Texas, but her family moved to Raccoon City after she was born. They still owned property in Texas, though.

- Mia & Carlos are related because I said so.

- so yknow the "dude its been three years" guy? that's their childhood friend and his name is Kyde because i said so.

- Albert Wesker Personally was ordered by Spencer to kill those scientists btw.

- a lot of this au is because i said so tbh

> AU SUMMARY <

Ethan Winters, Mia Oliviera, and Kyde Wells work together to survive six days of the Raccoon City Outbreak. In the process they uncover secrets and encounter many obstacles that just nearly cost them their lives.

> CHAR.BGROUND <

ETHAN W, SR - A scientist who worked for Umbrella. He lost his wife during the birth of his child E///// Winters. Struggling with the death of his wife and the harsh decline of his mental health, he began to experiment with viruses and vaccines in an attempt to bring his wife back, even using his child as a subject at certain points due to the child having strong genes from the mother. He acknowledged that he was a horrid father, but justified his actions by claiming he would bring back a better mother. He thought of Albert Wesker as a friend, and told him the truth of his research.

ETHAN W, JR - A quiet 14 year old that had a hard time making friends. Due to experiments from his father, Ethan is a culmination of infections and viruses that each impact him in different ways. As he grew up Ethan refrained from talking too much as to not interrupt his father's work, causing him to become selectively mute.

MIA OLIVIERA - Younger sister of Carlos Oliviera. Mia skipped a grade due to her intelligence and advanced knowledge on many things kids her age normally didn't. She very easily got sick as a child, though she seemed to outgrow it as she got older. She was schooled both at home and at school before the outbreak. She shared classes with Ethan Winters (Jr) and Kyde Wells.

KYDE WELLS - A friend of Ethan & Mia, known for his cowardice. Kyde has a heavy sense of self preservation, but a weighted sense of compassion as well. He only ever has risked himself for his two friends.

JAMES HARISON - Mia's father. He worked for the Connections as a scientist and a researcher. Harison and his wife often exchanged information they learned from their jobs, aiming to and succeeding at "fixing" their daughter's proneness to viral sicknesses.

MARISA OLIVIERA - Mia's mother. He worked for Umbrella as a researcher. Oliviera and her husband often exchanged information they learned from their jobs, aiming to and succeeding at "fixing" their daughter's proneness to viral sicknesses.

JAKE VERANO - An Umbrella worker who had been trapped in the underground facility for a week, listening to the sound of his coworkers being eaten alive. Unstable because of his experience, he tries to create a cure using the intel of Ethan W (SR).

> FULL AU <

[September, 25, 1998.]

Ethan Winters walked home from school when his father failed to pick him up. He walked through the streets, paying no mind to a big fight breaking out near him. On the way home, he meets up with his friend Kyde who had also been walking home. They talk and walk together for a bit, before splitting up.

When Ethan arrived home, he noticed the front door of his house had been opened slightly. Confused, but wary, he entered the house, knowing it was uncharacteristic for his father to forget the door was open.

He entered the living room, and found his father laying on the ground dead, shot twice in the head, having just been killed moments prior. Ethan moved over to his father, before Albert Wesker walked out of his father's office.

Ethan barely has much time to react to him, overwhelmed by his own panic and the death of the only adult in his life. Wesker - wanting no witnesses - shoots him three times in the chest, and leaves under the impression the child is dead for good.

Ethan Winters dies for the first time that evening.

[September, 27, 1998]

For the past two days, Mia and her parents have been barricaded in their home, unable to leave safely. Mia sat in her room for most of the time, unable to look out of the windows due to boards covering them. During those two days Mia tries to call Ethan and Kyde several times in hopes that they were safe. Neither of them answer.

Until this day, the 27th, at 2:00 am, when she calls Ethan. And he answers.

{TRANSCRIPT OF THEIR CALL:}

Ethan: h-hello?

Mia: [Ethan]! You're alive! Are you okay?

Ethan: I'm breathing. [Pause] I'm breathing. You okay?

Mia: I'm boarded up in my house, we can't leave safely. Everything is a mess. I'm so glad you're alive, [Ethan]. Are you safe? I'm guessing you're safe.

Ethan: Not sure. Not sure. Find you soon, here alone. Alone.

Mia: Alone? What happened? Where's your dad?

Ethan: [Pause.] [Loud sound in the distance.]

Mia: [Ethan]? Are you okay?

Ethan: [Dial tone.]

Mia speaks with her parents about the call, expressing worry about her friend. She spends a while trying to convince her parents that Ethan may be alive (purposefully omitting the dial tone) and need their help. Finally, they agree, and at 12 pm, they head out with all the resources they could gather.

Managing to stay out of sight, the family make it to the Winters' household. They find Ethan hiding in his bedroom, one infected laying in the hallway with a pole through its head and Ethan's father laying in the living room dead.

They rescue Ethan, and flee from the house. Mia's parents explain that they need to evacuate the city, but that they wouldn't be able to drive, so they'd have to move on foot. They returned to their house and rested for the night.

[September, 28, 1998]

The family and Ethan head out again, this time aiming to evacuate the city. After several close encounters with large groups of infected, the kids and Mia's parents are unfortunately separated. Given instructions by her parents, Mia leads Ethan through the city, having to take detours due to infected blocking pathways.

Eventually, during the night, they run into Kyde, who has lost his parents trying to escape the city. The three of them take refuge in an empty abandoned house, and rest for the walk in the morning.

Ethan sits up for a while, thinking about what happened to him, and trying to figure out how to explain it to his friends. Eventually he falls asleep, unable to figure it out. In the morning they head out again.

[September, 29-30, 1998]

During another detour taken due to large groups of infected, Ethan is kidnapped by a man in a white lab coat.

Mia & Kyde go after them, refusing to leave Ethan behind. They manage to find him after roughly half a day had passed.

Ethan had been in a hysterical state and through tears he explains to Mia and Kyde what had happened to him in his house a few days ago, confessing that he had died and revived two days later. He warns the two of them that whatever Jake, the white lab coat man, did to him, it made him dangerous and unstable.

Mia and Kyde refused again to leave him behind, and spend hours gathering information from files and research left scattered around. They manage to make Something that was able to calm him down and cleanse what they had learned had been called the "T-virus" from his body.

As soon as Ethan had woken up again, they fleed the facility, Mia & Kyde both making sure he didn't collapse on the way.

[October, 1, 1998]

They don't stop running when they're out. A broadcast goes out saying that the city will be blown up in four hours due to being unable to contain the outbreak. The three of them realize they won't be able to get out if they take anymore detours unless they find a vehicle with gas in it and a clear road to drive on.

Three hours later, out of options, nearly to the city boarder, and faced with another group of infected blocking the only straight shot out, they decide to risk a run through. However, just as they were pushing through, a helicopter flew overhead and spotted them. Calling to them, the pilot tells them to attempt making it up a building nearby if they could.

Through pure bullshittery and luck, they manage to make it up, and they board the helicopter. Just as it begins to take flight, the city starts to blow up bit by bit. In the distance, they see other helicopters flying.

> AFTER THE AU <

Mia and her parents reunite, her parents having managed to get out before the children did. Kyde goes to live with his relatives in Texas, and Ethan is offered to live with them as well.

Mia's parents move back to their texas home, and everyone who had been in the city were given therapy. Eventually the three grow up and graduate from highschool, and move on to other things, never once separating.

The three of them eventually move into a single house together in California, and some time after that Mia and Ethan get married. And for a while they live happily

And then, Mia witnesses Ethan having some sort of attack in the middle of the night one time, and realizes that he hadn't been completely cured of whatever had been infecting him in the city at all, and that it had only gone dormant for some years. While he wasn't vicious or attacking anyone, Ethan had just been really plagued and didn't even remember the fits that only seemed to happen every other night.

Out of worry and fear, Mia begins to work for the Connections, hoping there was something she could learn from them in order to help her husband finally be cured. And years after, RE7 began.

And THAT, my friends, is my Raccoon City Survivors au with the Winters, also known as Raccoon City Winters.

57 notes · View notes

mudstoneabyss · 2 years

Note

kicks my legs.. any more samuel caller lore < 3 or lynn terranova lore < 3

More of a fun lil thing than lore: Sometimes Lynn will do live weather performances on Teddy's broadcast (And formerly Lynn and Samuel's band would)

And some lore: Though things were great for them for a while it really wasn't meant to last bc Lynn had always been restless and flighty and always dreamin of something bigger while Samuel was very devoted and content with the small things with a tendency for gettin over-attached. This not mentionin their own yknow mental health problems that they hadn't worked through and figured out how to deal with yet (Lynn with her years of it bein just her and Teddy and before that their moms disappearance and before that dealin with their father, Samuel with, as he believed, bein chosen by the Balancer to see the lines and arrows which turned into him havin trouble distinguishing reality and havin hallucinations & delusions as well as no one ever actually believin him and therefore helpin him with the struggles he had)

Eventually it came to this point where they were actually pretty well-off from their band, they were pretty wealthy yknow had a nice house lived comfortably and Samuel was content with that he was happy, but Lynn wasn't. She was tired of the same old thing and this relationship that she was startin to realize maybe wasn't based on her actual feelings but a foundation of what she wanted to feel towards Samuel because she thought she needed that support and constant close connection when she really didn't. So, in a spur of the moment (and tbh poorly thought out) decision in the middle of the night she packed up, took most of the money they had, and left Lunar Hills.

Samuel, of course, was freaked out and devastated and thought maybe something was wrong did something bad happen to her?? but she left him a hastily scribbled note sayin she was fine she just needed to chase her dreams, to which he thought ok but what if that was planted or she was forced to write that??? and even if she was ok he needs to find her get her to come back she's his everything or maybe at least get her to explain. so he sets out to go search the country for her

Eventually he does find her and she explains to him and he's crushed to learn she never loved him like he thought and she's not feelin great either, but she had felt out of her element out of her home town, and although she didn't wanna settle down, she didn't wanna leave it, especially because she had discovered she was pregnant. so they go back (separately) where Lynn has to figure out what to do with her life now and what will keep her happy and not feel weighed down while still bein a good mother of her child and where Samuel has to figure out what to do now that he's alone and can't afford his house anymore and also don't got a job anymore (he quit the band and they only really did live performances so there's no residual income from purchases of the album)

Jupiter technically isn't Samuel's kid- no one knows her other biological parent, Lynn had many flings once she left- but he is made her father legally

I think neither Lynn or Samuel are bad people by any means, but they are both people who have made a lot of bad decisions and uhm I love them. also this is, aside from the details of why and the kid, essentially just the plot of the album Vide Noir

#Hi bestie you asked for lore i gave you an essay 💛#wtlh #samuel caller #lynn terranova #jupiter terranova-caller #i think lynn is aromantic #long post #oc tag

4 notes · View notes

thelostguardianau · 4 years

Text

The Lost Guardian- Chapter Eight

“Heed the Silenced”

(Authors note: aha.. yknow I should probably stop making promises for this fic. Months later, w/ a chapter that doesn’t have Thomas in it, three different outlines down and i’m really just at the mercy of this fic at this point xD considering midway through writing this chapter I had to cut and rewrite an entire scene i’d spent a month on bc I’d decided that Dee had a chance at redemtion that added an actual direction and a tangable end goal to this story. So. Yeah. And!! A loud Thank You!! to @bumblebeekitten for helping me bounce ideas back & forth for this au and being my beta for this chapter!!)

Character Info & Art:

Chapter Seven | Chapter Nine

Fandom: Thomas Sanders Sides

Pairings: Eventual Polyamsanders (LAMPR/CALMR-a.k.a LAMP/CALM + Remy ‘Sleep’ Sanders)

Warnings: THIS CHAPTER IS KINDA DIALOG HEAVY!(sorry) Currently depicted as morally grey Deceit(subject to change in future chapters), though the side of Deceit from his first appearance doesnt make an appearance in this chapter and it is explained why, mentions of past betrayal and dark descriptions of bodily concepts, curses, limitations, and changes only really explained as possible through the lore of this au. Deceit speaks in riddles because he has to, ominous warnings. Virgil still isn’t okay mentally. Mentions of indifference to death, lack of selfworth or self preservation. (Let me know if I need to add anything!)

[[MORE]]

Brown eyes flutter open at the chilly breeze of a fan, and the ravenette’s mind comes to realize that he’s been moved from resting on his stomach to laying on his back. Groggy from his much too short nap, it takes a few moments to realize there are no warm bodies near him or under him, no breathing or chatter of familiar voices to sooth him.

The room, he realizes, is empty.

The room itself is, in fact, not Remy’s bedroom at all.

Shooting straight up, Virgil’s first clear thought is that he’s back at home. At his apartment, this time in his hoodie yet still roughed up from his latest ‘adventure’. The scene is eerily familiar, and yet he knows this time that work is not where he needs to be. It’s already daylight and his mind now knows this familiar scene, he should feel alone. Yet, this time he can hear the sound of honking cars and people, his loud neighbor from upstairs stomping around.

It doesn’t make sense as he walks to his window and peers out to see vague cars and people, he can’t even seem to make out any individual faces. It’s grey and raining outside, but there is no pattering sound against the foggy window. ‘What’s happening?’ Virgil wonders.

“Life seemed so simple a week ago, even months ago, did it not..?” A familiar voice drifts from behind him. Ice cold fear shoots down the ravenette’s spine as he recognizes the voice.

“I can hardly believe you were able to leave it, your routine. It was your everything, back when you came to terms with what you had left. Am I wrong, Virgil?” Whirling around to face the voice, Virgil finds the terrifying ex-Guardian sitting on his couch looking quite at home, if a little sheepish.

“What do you care?” He spat back, stepping back against his window.

“I am only looking out for you, you know. I have been protecting you all your life. Of all people I think I would know what is best for you, don't you think? We are connected after all, you and I.” The man sighed, making a surrendering motion with his hands.

“Why would I trust you?! You tried to kill me yesterday!” Virgil growled. “Why--h-how are you even here!?”

“False, my dear Virgil. I tried to warn you. Sure,” The guardian rolled his hand as he spoke, “I am forced to have a round-about way of speaking my truths, it is just part of my consequences it seems. But how else was I going to get you to listen to me after the others fed you lies about me? I do sincerely apologize for my other half being rough, though. I cannot quite.. Control.. Him.” The guardian tilted his bowler hat down to guiltily hide his eyes, regret briefly twisting his expression.

Finally the Guardian stood, dusting himself off as if his immaculate attire had acquired dust from just existing in his apartment. “I needed my physical body to reach yours and make our soul connection strong again, so that my soul could reach yours. However.. The pain I caused you was far from my intention. I am deeply regretful that it came down to.. That awful encounter.

“To answer your question though, Virgil, I am here because I created ‘here’. A realm made to form this illusion of being home, sweet home, just on the corner of the little street you had come to live on for the past year. It is all my doing. Where you stand is simply an illusion only you and I can access, a manipulation of your dreams and memories. The only place where the real me can talk to you mostly unhindered.” The guardian gestured to his surroundings.

“It takes only one person to flip your life on it’s head, a matter of hours to make the decision of a lifetime, and a matter of days to have completely changed your life’s direction,” He turned to Virgil, and looked him straight in the eyes, feeling distant and lost.

“And only a matter of years to succumb to the depression of the lonely consequences..”

Virgil blinked at that. The sad, longing tone had him thrown for a loop; it almost felt like the Guardian wasn't even quite talking to Virgil. “I-What..? I.. I don’t understand.”

The Guardian shook his head, snapping out of it and refocusing himself. "Nevermind that. It is time I talked to you for real, if you will have me?" The Guardian held out a hand politely, though there was no real expectation for Virgil to take it.

After a pause, Virgil gave a slight nod, still suspicious of the other's intent. The Guardian returned the nod, and his hand fell to his side.

“I am limited to the time that you rest and for now I will not be able to explain myself thoroughly, so, I ask you to understand that I do not expect you to trust me when I am done. I honestly do not expect you to ever trust me. With the mistakes I have made, I firmly believe I would not deserve it.”

Virgil blinked in surprise, not having expected his captor to admit to his faults straight off the bat.

“Okay.. Well, we’re here, might as well hear your side of the story. So.. Shoot.” Virgil said lightly, distrust and suspicion still evident in his tone and stance.

“I would assume at this point you are well aware of how the story you have been told paints me as the villain, a mastermind seeking power, immortality, and revenge? At least, that is what I am led to believe is still the story, it has been many years since I have heard the tale first hand… And... Well. Would that not be so lovely?” Virgil made a face, eyes narrowing in confusion.

“I am serious. Life would be so much easier if it was all black and white, true or false, good and bad, would it not? If those who meant well knew everything and those malicious few could not corrupt anything?” The Guardian frowned a bit, frustrated with his words that couldn’t seem to cooperate with him.

“Would it not be lovely if I could talk to you without fighting to keep from turning every honest thought into a question or theoretical statement just to let it be said? That my words could hold a meaning not forcibly disguised in the forms of fables and riddles?” The Guardian looked down lamely, his words tapering off in agitation. For a moment, Virgil waited as the Guardian was silent, contemplative. Then, the next moment the Guardian’s face scrunched up in sadness and his words were soft as he placed a hand over his golden wrist markings.

“My story is complicated, and twisted with shades of grey. One could say what I did was an attempt to keep you safe, another could say that what I did was outlandish and impulsive, and stupid. But no one will be able to tell you that what I did went according to the plan I had... at first. No one will tell you that my intention was to save you, to keep your fate safe. No one will tell you that my plan was ruined. Because there is no longer anyone who remembers what happened that night except for me,”

The Guardian’s eyes flicked up to meet the ravenette’s, a hurt look passing over his face as he continued. His steady voice now just barely trembled with uncertainty as he continued.

“No one but me and the soul who wants so desperately for everyone to forget. The soul who ripped my own in two to bury the secret, and ruin you and I both.”

“My final warning is this: Beware of the man who carries the world on his shoulders unflinchingly, he will be watching you closely. You have immunity to his power thanks to our connection, you might use this knowledge well to find the truth that lies in plain sight. However, your fate lies in the decisions you chose to make with this knowledge, I can only warn you of what might come.” The Guardian nodded solemnly, choosing to finish his cryptic warning there.

Virgil stood there, reeling with the information. Sure, he definitely wasn’t completely convinced he could trust this cryptic stranger, Guardian? Foe? Friend? Virgil wasn’t really sure what to call him anymore. But damn, his life was already so fucking crazy, this was all just fucking crazy! He could just be dreaming for all he knew.

But… Deep inside, he was hoping he wasn’t.

This was, well. This wasn’t what he’d been expecting to hear when facing the man whose, er, body? Had originally tried to strangle him? Now he’d heard his sob story and, well, Virgil wasn’t that easy to fool, but he’d also been told that it wasn’t expected that he’d trust the guy even in the end and he didn’t really want to.

He’d been on the path to death for so long, and then just two days ago everything had changed. So much was happening, it was frankly exhausting. What the fuck was he, some book protagonist? Couldn’t he get a little time to think about all this before he went crazy?

Still, something under all his incredulity begged to hear the guardian out. He vaguely wondered how Stockholm Syndrome worked before he gave in a little. What difference did a little more crazy make in his life at this point?

“Fine, I’ll heed your warning, or whatever the fuck. But only if you can tell me what you mean when you said that this guy ripped your, uh, soul? In two.” Virgil huffed, partially relaxing. It was odd how comforting he found it to be, floating in this weird feeling imaginary world, where he could interact with objects that weren’t real. It felt like he was really standing in his home, and yet it was just built from memory.

The guardian’s solemn expression formed into a grim smile, eyes distant once more before nodding. “I will do the best that my words will allow.” Virgil nodded, and waited for the now very familiar stranger to gather his words and take a breath. Then he began, his markings lightly flashing gold.

“You find yourself whole one day, as you have always been. To be whole of body, whole of mind, both human and guardian in nature. To have conscious thought and control over your whole physical being and soul..

“You find that yourself and others of the winged variety are capable of separating your soul from your being, though only the most Elite can do it well. You find out the family you made would soon be in danger. You then find yourself lost and alone when you once had a home to call your own.

“You find yourself knowing a truth, a perilous truth. Your home is in shambles now that you are gone, yet they do not know it. This truth is at fault, but the blame is not fully your own in a world built on lies.

“The source of truth tucks itself into blankets of grey, drawing itself further from discovery with each passing day. Now only you know the truth. The source of the truth finds you, it seeks to hide you too.

“You find yourself split one day, as you have never been before. Forced apart from the body, trapped within the mind. Guardian in nature, to have conscious thought and your dying soul trapped within, a false mind piloting the puppeteered confines of a broken body with a blind goal.”

“You find you cannot control what you used to, you are a prisoner to a body that is no longer your own, mostly unconscious to the world around it. Crazed by the false emotions that fuel it.”

“The you that used to be is no longer, and has not been for over a hundred years. The world that knew you knows not of what you’ve become. Knows not of the shackles that bind you.

“The you that used to be is no longer, and will never be again.” The Guardian finished, hesitant yellow eyes meeting Virgil’s carefully. Phantom goosebumps trail down Virgil's arms as the final sentence strikes a cord in him.

Virgil found he really wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that, the rawness in the other’s tone spoke volumes of the sore spot they’d reached.

“Your body rests, but your mind also needs time to process today. I shall see you when you next rest, though only if you wish to seek me. Rest well knowing that you will not be scooped from your safety once more, as I hope I’m never to do so again. And...” The guardian paused, considering their next words very carefully.

“I know it is selfish to ask... but, I hope and wish that Thomas is alright, after all this time... Do take care of him, would you?”

Virgil paused and stared, finding only concern and longing in the guardian’s expression. And, well, fuck. What a way to pull at a guy’s heartstrings.

“Er, yes. Yeah. I’ll try my best.” Virgil gave his signature mock salute, the Guardian tipping his hat in return.

“Trying is all I could ever ask of you, Virgil. Rest well, you will need it.” And with that final sentence, the world around Virgil gently grew dark, and he sunk into the comforting arms of sleep.

Despite it all, Virgil still found his mind vaguely conscious. Sluggish at best, but awake nonetheless.

He figured it was likely some lingering effect from the Guardian’s dream realm, but didn’t dwell on it. His life had way too much else going on to be debating the side effects gained from Guardian powers.

First, he’d been pretty damn convinced two days ago that he was going to be a goner by the end of the month. Completely resigned to die believing that his very existence was scorned by the world he’d been unwillingly born into.

Then Patton had stumbled onto his shitty apartment’s roof, found him in all of his resigned and depressed glory, and changed his life forever.

They’d mostly skipped the whole ‘Human nature is a series of life, death, and rebirth’ spiel that guardians were known to give in these situations because... Well, It wasn’t like they’d really had time to address it before the truth about his soul had come out. That he wasn’t exactly human to begin with.

Virgil didn’t think that Guardians had ever had a situation like his before. There wasn’t a protocol for comforting a kidnapped guardian soul. It’d never been a possibility before!

So it wasn’t surprising then, that Virgil didn’t have any better of a time processing it.

His whole life, all that he’d known to be true, all that he’d believed in? Everything had been uprooted and turned on its head. He’d apparently been living a life that was not supposed to be.

Perhaps for the first time in two days, Virgil realized that the thought of his death at the end of the month had not been consistently worming into his brain. It had once been something he could never seem to stop thinking about.

The death indicated by his soul timer was now perhaps the farthest thing from his mind.

Perhaps the strangest thing so far was that he wasn’t alone anymore. He’d possibly had more physical contact with other people in the short two(three?) days since this adventure started then he’d had in the past 16 years.

And wasn’t it just the cherry on top that he’d also gotten nearly choked out by the very guardian accused of kidnapping his soul in the first place? And now he was considering trusting the damn guy.

Virgil hollowly wondered why he even cared.

Why did he care about staying alive now when he’s spent his whole life believing he never would? Up until two days ago, that belief had still been true. But now? Avoiding death was the goal, Logan had stated as much.

Really, would Virgil lose anything by trusting the banished guardian? Even if the guardian was trying to trick Virgil and got him killed, what difference would it make? That’d always been the goal before. What did he, Virgil, really have to lose?

If it happened that Virgil lived past his twentieth birthday, if he became a guardian like he was supposed to be in the first place. Would he want that? Did he want that?

He wasn’t sure. Didn’t know if he ever had been.

His life had been built on resignation to the inevitable. Nothing seemed to motivate him towards liking or hating that possibility. He was just that.

Indifferent.

And wasn’t that just the greatest revelation of the night? Finding out that you’re indifferent to living or dying.

Once this was all over, if Virgil lived that long, he would make a note to see a therapist. He knew very well that this kind of mindset was unhealthy to keep. It just couldn’t be helped that the nineteen years he’d lived with this particular affliction couldn’t be fixed by a few extra hugs and comforting words.

Even if he didn’t like the fact that death sounded like the more peaceful option.

His thoughts paused, mentally sighing at the downward spiral he’d caught himself in. It was tiring, and going nowhere.

‘For now,’ he decided, ‘I’m just going to see how this plays out. The Guardian said that none of the others remember the truth, or whatever. So, It’s a ‘he said-they said’ situation right now...’

‘I’ll have to keep an eye out for the guy that he warned me about, then. Who knows if he's as dangerous as The Guardian made him out to be. It’s hard to tell with the weird way he has to talk..’

Virgil paused again, a realization striking him. If he could have groaned, he would have. Not once had he been given or even remembered to ask for the name of said Guardian. What was he supposed to call the rogue Guardian now? He couldn’t just keep calling him The Guardian!

Amidst the disbelief of such a slip up, a foreign yet familiar feeling prodded questioningly at his conscious mind. Adding confusion into the mix of emotions, he returned the feeling with a questioning thought of his own.

He briefly heard the Guardian’s whispy voice once more, now acting with permission.

“You may call me Janus”

Then all at once, Virgil woke up.

Chapter Nine

#sanders sides #virgil sanders #deceit sanders #lamp/calm #LAMPR/CALMR #LAMP/CALM + remy ‘sleep’ sanders #tw angst #tw long post #long fic #thelostguardianau #morally grey deceit #for the time being #the aim is that he reach sympathetic but trust aint that easy

454 notes · View notes

asuka--langley--soryu · 3 years

Note

Thanks for getting to my ask!

The overt attachment to Kaji/leaving the date early struck me initially. Plus the opposites rivalry with Rei felt fairly indicative too.

I'm a cis guy (I think) but I agree with a lot of what you said about Asuka's sexuality. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't seeing things where there weren't any.

oh np!! thank you for giving me an opportunity to ramble and for being cool about me going on a wild tangent on your ask. im glad you got something out of it!

( spoiler alert: im gonna ramble again <3)

how Asuka interacts w men is probably the biggest flag for me personally--which might just be a projection thing but like w/e to a point thats what this all is lol. Obviously a lot of it is entrenched in her particular traumas, but I also can’t help but see how it parallels so many classic comp het behaviors. Like entertaining the idea of being interested in a man until he reciprocates (ie asks her on a date) and then abruptly rejecting him and all the while convincing yourself that you’re still attracted to men by curating an investment in one who is 100% unavailable (and thus ‘safe’) is one of the major hallmarks of baby lesbianism. I think easily 3/4s of the gay girls I know have done almost exactly that at some point in their life (and maybe are still doing it in some shade or variation).

also like if it wasn’t obvious my reading of asuka is hugely, transparently impacted by the fact that I watched nge for the first time as a fourteen year old who attached herself to asuka immediately. so it goes w/o saying that I was more likely to fixate on behaviors that rang similar to my own and, now, years later and with much more knowledge of myself, read those similarities as indicative of the same things they were for me (ie being really very gay). i do think it exists outside of my personal projection and feelings as an interesting and valid way of reading asuka’s character and how she interacts w others in the show (particularly shinji and rei obvi), but also like yknow there is certainly a ‘self recognition through the anime girl’ angle to it. which isn’t w/o value on its own merit!

i think the ways characters can exist as projection and what identities can be read onto them does say something real and true about those characters and stories. and i mean like what is theory if not somewhat just projecting ideas onto characters/art that are not necessarily obvious/easy extrapolations. sometimes youre a little bit just making stuff up b/c you want it to be there and then retroactively looking for the pieces to prove it and thats scholarship, baby!

all this to say i am a big believer in seeing things that might not be there, especially if those things are thinking a character is lgbt. like at the end of the day this is just a fucking anime. its fake and its art and to a point who fucking cares what kind of shit you think about it bc your perception of it belongs to you and you alone.

#nge #evangelion #asks #asuka langley soryu #i am so sorry i once again churned out so many words i am SO Sorry #mx asker ty for ur patience i appreciate the fuck out of you #shit like this activates my cant shut up disease like nothing else lol #also 4 anyone who is trying to be a dipshit please pls note #my 'to a point' vis claiming things about characters/media etc #i am not sanctioning every hc on earth. there are lines. pls dont be fools.#i would like to assume everyone reading this is coming to it in good faith but like #clearly thats not true so #ALSO pls do not think i am in any way trying to minimize the idea of art or something like that by calling it fake #like i study literature my whole life is about taking media way too seriously lol #chozomechanic #q #this has been a text post #i just got a new piercing and cant sleep so i wrote this all out at 3 am if that explains anything #mine

29 notes · View notes

intersex-support · 3 years

Note

not a question, but some insight about being intersex via my personal experiences with questioning + acceptance that i hope helps somebody else (feel free to delete this if it's not appropriate for the askbox):

without sharing too many specific personal details - it was easy for me to tell from a young age that I wasn't like other peers my age in regards to appearance, and it became even more apparent as i went thru puberty. I had heard the word intersex a few times as a young teen and always felt a draw to learn more because it sounded like me, but pushed the idea away bc i was under the impression that you can't (and shouldn't want to) know anything unless a doctor tells you. growing up in a poor family and never having reliable access to medical care, that wasn't really a possibility for me, so i just....ignored it as much as i could.

the older i got, though, the more impactful it began to be on my life. disabling issues with my physical health that were always present grew worse and worse over time. once puberty hit i couldn't look at myself in mirrors, i showered in the dark, i dissociated every time i was alone with myself because i couldn't confront my own body. of course, school sex ed was never any help for me there, either. and my parents couldn't be trusted with anything, let alone conversations as heavy as that.

it wasn't until I was 20 that i heard the word intersex again, and I finally opted to look into it. i felt like i HAD to. and I'm glad i did because the more research i did, the better i felt about my body. my mindset slowly shifted from "okay, variation is normal, even with perisex people." to "okay, i don't look like perisex people at all. I need to do more research." and finally, to "i think I'm intersex. i have to talk to someone about it."

i hesitantly brought the idea up to my close ones, after a few months of research. i didn't want to just Call myself intersex yet, but I needed affirmation that if I was, the people in my life would still love me. (in hindsight, I feel like reaction is more indicative than i initially thought.) I'm lucky that the people close to me were supportive of the possibility.

about a year after that point, a lot of extensive research, and a lot of re-assessing my own feelings (ie asking myself questions like, "why am I scared of the answer? what am I hoping for?" and "what would knowing I'm intersex change about the way I view my body + myself in relation to my life/goals/aspirations/relationships/identity?" so, yknow. heavy shit.) I've come to the conclusion that I am, without a doubt, intersex, because 1) My body does not look or behave the way perisex people's are expected to, and there is not a single cause of this that I could find that is more likely than me being intersex. 2) the struggles I have faced, in my research (which is always ongoing), seem to line up with that of intersex people's. 3) I feel, deep in my soul, that being intersex is the right way to label my experiences. this one is much more nebulous than the other two, but I still consider it important, because I don't believe any amount of medical or physical evidence in the world would be enough to make me accept that I am different. It is only through the support of both my loved ones + the larger intersex community that I have been able to feel like I understand and can finally accept myself.

I feel as though it's less like I spent a short amount of time questioning my being intersex, but rather that I've spent my whole life questioning it, just without the proper resources and words to articulate and understand my experiences. I don't know that a year + few months of extensive research would be enough in anyone else's eyes. I still haven't had the ability to talk to a doctor about it, and I am honestly scared to try considering the very few but very upsetting past experiences I have had with doctors. But I've lived in my body my entire life, so I know it best. I feel comfortable with myself finally, I can accept my body finally, and I think the only reason I am able to say that today is because I have become comfortable using the term intersex to describe myself. Being able to say "I am intersex," is a source of power, comfort, community, and self-acceptance for me. Without the word intersex, without the knowledge that my body is not wrong or shameful, without the knowledge that I am complete and loveable as I am not in spite of my body's differences, but because of them, I would not be able to accept myself at all. I would still be in constant turmoil over my body and my inability to accept it in a world full of people who look nothing like me. That is why I consider myself intersex.

I hope this helps somebody else, but if this feels out of line / off topic, I apologize. thank you for reading ❤️

This is definitely not off topic. Thank you so much for sharing this was really thoughtful of you! I’m so happy for you and the things you’ve figured out for yourself.

#mod stev #asks #long post #💞💞💞

8 notes · View notes

billhaderlovebot · 5 years

Text

beep beep (4) - richie tozier

some sexy stuff, swearing, angst, the usual. i don't know how many more parts there are going to be but if 5 is the last one then prepare for a Big Boy™

@ceruleanrainblues @the-star-above-you @a-second-hand-sorrow @shockwavee

----

the divorce was messy. timothy took pretty much everything on the grounds that you had run off with another man (which you thought was pretty fair) and he also had slandered your name in front of your whole family in court, which was actually quite petty of him. richie almost murdered him, that day, and had to keep his hand in yours so that he wouldn't get up and break timothy's nose again right in front of his big-shot lawyer.

your family, it was safe to say, did not approve of richie, because timothy was always such a nice boy, and you've made a terrible mistake, dear. the only one who ever did like richie was your grandmother, and she was long gone, bless her cotton socks.

so, yeah, you'd run off with richie.

yeah, you'd escaped from an unhappy marriage in which you never felt loved to be with someone who looked at you like you hung the fucking moon.

okay, granted, you did sleep with richie that night, which wasn't entirely moral, considering you were married to another man, but, yknow, timothy hadn't gone anywhere near you in months and months, and richie was just so good at the sex thing.

also, you loved him. so much.

leaving you with barely enough money to pay your hospital bills sucked. you weren't even sure how timothy was able to do that legally.

but it was alright. you took your stuff and moved into richie's penthouse apartment in malibu almost as soon as you'd been discharged from the hospital. he had made enough money over the first half of his trash-mouth tour to support the both of you for the time being, and he cancelled the reno dates, and all the dates for the foreseeable, because all he wanted to do was be around you and the rest of the losers.

your books and mugs and weird stuff that you'd hoarded over the years slowly spread themselves around richie's apartment, and it made him so happy because it was so utterly domestic.

whenever he saw your shoes in the hallway or your toothbrush in the weird ceramic holder with a bee on it that bev had bought him, he grinned like a stupid, lovestruck idiot, because he was a stupid, lovestruck idiot.

eddie came over a lot, regularly crashing in the spare bedroom because he, too was going through a divorce, and myra kaspbrak was quite a bit more intimidating than timothy. so, that became eddie's room while he was looking for his own apartment.

and you were so fucking happy.

the piece of string that had been serving as your engagement ring after richie proposing on a whim was a constant reminder of how loved you were, and you tied a matching one around his finger, because you didn't feel it was fair that he got to do the whole cute proposal thing.

it had been six months since derry. since the sewers, since defeating IT for the final time. since reuniting with your soulmate. you were sure that life couldn't get better.

eventually, you'd gotten an actual ring.

richie had given it to you on a whim, as usual, opening the little ring box in your direction while you were both surrounded by chinese food, the fourth consecutive episode of snapped playing in the background.

you had choked on your wok-fried garlic and soy broccoli, and he'd thumped your back so you wouldn't almost die, again, which hurt your recovering shoulder, and then he had panicked, and you were crying and laughing and choking all at the same time.

point is, he had given you a ring.

it was a thin, gold band with three little diamonds set into the middle, and you had immediately fallen in love with it.

you hadn't, however, wanted to take off the piece of string, so you wore it on the same finger as the proper engagement ring. richie was relieved because he also hadn't wanted to take the string off.

that night, after some really really great celebration sex, (albeit a little careful, as you sometimes got sharp pains up and down your ribs if you exerted yourself too much) richie bared his soul to you.

he told you everything.

and he cried, and he trembled because he was so scared of ending things with you before they had even begun.

it was the first time he had ever said it out loud.

"i'm bisexual."

and he had let out a breath, then. a breath that he had been holding in for almost three decades.

"oh, richie." and you held him to you without a second thought.

you had always known, somehow.

you'd known, for the same reason one knows the sun has risen. because you had eyes.

you'd seen how richie had always gravitated towards eddie, always grabbing onto him in moments of distress, the soft looks richie would give him when he didn't have time to put up his walls. you knew, and you loved him all the same. of course you did.

you didn't tell him, however, that you had known.

because this moment was so important. the moment where he finally had control over his life and his identity and he was spilling his heart out to you. you would not take that away from him.

this was his time. his moment. his life.

he told you about eddie, and the arcade, and the kissing bridge, and how he'd always, always pushed it down but now it was only the two of you, and if he was to marry you, he wanted everything out in the open.

and god damn you if you let him keep hating himself.

"richie, thankyou for telling me. im so happy that you... that you felt you could talk about it. and to me."

"so... you're not..."

"angry? no. honey, this is who you are. what kind of partner would i be if i didn't love you for who you are? you're perfect, richie."

he cried again, and you let him, because he fucking needed it.

----

richie's nightmares were bad.

really, really fucking bad.

he didn't have them as much as beverly said she had, because, while he had been caught in the deadlights, It was dead and couldn't push into his mind any further. he often couldn't remember what they were about, only that he woke up so scared he would cry. the deadlight-induced terrors came and went, but they always caught both of you off guard.

when it first happened, you were more than a little bit confused, because richie was not a restless sleeper.

you woke to quiet whimpers coming from the man sleeping beside you as he writhed under the bedlinen.

in your sleep-addled haze, it took you a minute to understand what was happening, wiping the sleep from your eyes and adjusting to the darkness.

what, moments ago, was little more than disturbed whimpers, was now loud, heart-fucking-wrenching sobs, the only sound in the otherwise silent apartment.

his body shook next to yours and you were beginning to panic, reaching for him.

"richie? baby, wake up." you shook him lightly, noting the sweat practically dripping from him, and his face, scrunched in fear. he whined lowly, jerking in the bed, but he did not wake. you hadn't been faced with such a situation before, especially not with him, so this was touch and go.

this had never happened before and you were absolutely shitting bricks.

you shook him again, and he jolted awake, crying out as he sat up with a start.

"richie?"

his eyes snapped open, searching wildly around the room for something that wasn't there.

the only light came from the moon and city lights outside your house. sobs of pain overtook him, great, heaving breaths, and then the man you were in love with was crying his fucking eyes out in front of you; fisting his hands in his sweat-soaked hair as his whole body shuddered.

they were tremors he had no control over, the aftershocks of the nightmare taking control of him.

it broke your heart. your face softened as you reached for him again.

god, he held on to you so tight that you almost started crying yourself.

"eddie..." he choked. "ben didn't warn him in time. and i-i-i couldn't... fuck-"

"eddie is at home." you murmured, pressing your lips to his sweat-slick forehead "a ten minute drive. he just moved in. we can go up to see him tomorrow, if you want."

"It's... It's in my head." richie sobbed. the front of your shirt was soaked through with tears. "It's still in my head."

"It's dead, richie."

"so why can i still feel it?"

and you didn't know what to tell him.

---

your first fight, needless to say, sucked.

you didn't even remember what you were fighting about, only that you screamed at each other a lot, and there were tears, and it ended with richie, head in his hands, asking you to leave him alone for a minute in a voice so uncharacteristically calm that it scared you. and so you left for the bedroom, shutting the door, your head swimming and chest burning from the sobs you'd been caging in there.

you knew, realistically, that this was just one fight, and you'd be back to normal within the hour, but this was the first fight you'd had since you were kids, and god only knows how hot headed you'd gotten in the 27 years since then. both of you.

and you hated yourself for letting it get this far and making him not want to be around you.

it was times like this, when richie's nightmares were at their worst and you woke up every night like fucking clockwork to make sure he was real and still there and still breathing, and eddie came round constantly because he couldn't stand being alone in a new place, it was times like this that you needed to be close. so while it was just a dumb fight, you allowed yourself to cry.

richie clicked open the door about half an hour later, shuffling into the room. his eyes were red and he was probably shaking a little bit, you thought.

"im sorry." his voice came out small, and you sat up from the bed immediately.

"no, im sorry, rich. i was overreacting and it was fucking stupid and we need to just-"

and richie all but staggered forwards, grabbing your face in his hands and kissing you, hard. you gasped, and he used the opportunity to gain access to the inside of your mouth. cheeky bastard.

you both had been crying for a while, so the kiss was rather wet, but you overlooked it on account of the fact that his hand was not-so-discreetly sliding up your shirt and fumbling at your bra clasp. as suave as he liked to think he was, his bra skills needed work. he eventually did it, and seemed more than a little bit proud of himself, muttering a triumphant: "fuck yeah."

you tugged richie's bottom lip between your teeth and he fucking groaned. and that noise coming from his mouth was so fucking hot that your knees almost buckled.

you made a mental note to do the sex thing really really well tonight, because the sex thing was definitely happening and it had been a bad night for the both of you and you fucking needed him, right the fuck now.

it wasn't long before you ended up underneath him, and he was pressing open mouthed kisses to your inner thighs, and you were breathing hard and you honestly thought that if he didn't get the fuck on with it you'd probably die right there.

"rich- ahh- richie?"

"yes, baby?"

god, how the fuck was he so smug all the time?

"i think you should- fuck, oh my god- probably get on with things right the the fuck now, or i'll have to... i'll-" you curled your fingers into his hair, your nails scratching across his scalp.

"or?" he hummed, continuing his ministrations everywhere except where you wanted them.

"i'll have to, mmmh, hurt you, actually." you whispered, breathless. you were unable to form a solid argument, what with richie fucking tozier being so sexy and all, teasing the shit out of you.

"you will?" richie put a hand on each of your legs and spread them further apart, his lips relentless, sucking and biting your sensitive flesh. this man was going to fucking kill you, god.

"yeah, yeah, i'll- ahh- bite your fucking face off, or something-"

and then he was between your thighs, right fucking there, so he never did find out what that something actually was, because whatever came out of your mouth after that wasn't decipherable.

---

"we shouldn't fight." richie murmured, as if he was afraid of being too loud in case he broke the moment.

you traced gentle patterns on his chest with your fingertips.

"i know." you said, equally as cautious.

"but i don't even remember what we were fighting about, and we just had several rounds of the apology." he laughed quietly, kissing your bare shoulder.

smirking at the hickeys on your collarbone, he pressed a kiss there, too, admiring his handiwork.

"i love you, fuck face." you yawned, your eyes fluttering shut.

"yeah, and i love you, dickweed."

richie stared fondly at the piece of string around his ring finger. you would be alright. after all, your wedding was coming up.

he had no nightmares that night.

#it richie #adult richie #richie tozier #richie tozier x reader #beep beep richie #losers club x reader #losers club #it 2019 #it chapter 2

423 notes · View notes