i just read MEET UP FOR A COFFEE AND A SMILE and AAAA ITS SO GOOD !!! can i 🤭 mayhaps request san x gn!reader who feels rlly bad about their body or just has confidence/low self esteem issues and san does his best to listen whilst also reassuring his partner that they’re a beautiful person?
thank you so much 💌 i love your writing !!
한슴 (BREATHE) | C.S
pairing ⟡ bf .ᐟ choi san x gn .ᐟ reader
synopsis ⟡ feeling down because of so many insecurities, all you want is to be swallowed by a black hole and never perceived again. slowly, but surely you understand that you don't have to deal with these worries alone, but instead let your lover prove to you how worthy of love you are.
genre ⟡ established relationship, hurt/comfort, romance, a sprinkle of angst??? at the beginning, fluff!
warnings ⟡ reader is emotionally struggling; a bit of self hatred and some venting; mentions of a lost appetite and san touching body parts (arms, stomach, legs, etc); pet names; tears inducing! (idk about you but i! sobbed! writing this!)
wc ⟡ 2.8k
author's note ⟡ my first ever request :,) and it's so comforting :,) thank you so much for motivating me to write this one shot @megumisthv sobs ㅠㅠ it means the world to me knowing you love my writing <3 anyone reading this, a gentle reminder that you are not alone and are so beautiful inside and out. i love you.
"jagiyaaaaaa, i'm home!" you barely hear the familiar, comforting voice of your boyfriend coming from the hallway. in a panicked state, you try to wipe away the tears as quickly as you can and get yourself up off the floor. your legs are slightly trembling and your hearing feels muffled. you can't recall for how long you have been crying all by yourself, engulfed by the darkness and coldness of the bedroom. bedroom that you and san share, and which feels warm only when he is around, when he paints the four walls with his delightful laughter, his heavenly voice or just his pure presence, when you're safe and sound in his embrace. there are no worries, no bad thoughts or terrible, terrible inner voices that mess up with your mind.
but it can get suffocating when you're alone, it's so much more difficult to tell yourself all the heartening words he can say to you when things get rough, when you start forgetting your worth. when overthinking makes it harder for you to breathe or look at yourself.
there are moments like this evening, when you can't stop asking yourself what does he see? what could san possibly have found in you that made him fall in love and what can san still see in you that doesn't make him want to leave? you can't wrap your head around it. all you see when you look in the mirror is someone with so many imperfections that it's hard to believe you are even lovable in the first place. worthy of his love. you wish you could radiate confidence next to him, but how is that possible when you feel like your thoughts swallow you whole? making you feel so insignificant?
it breaks your heart. and it evokes such sadness and disappointment inside you. because you understand that there isn't much you can change. that you may, unrightfully so, bring san's mood down and make him feel guilty. you love him so dearly — that's why you're so afraid of losing him.
there are moments like this evening, when all you do is cry your heart out because he's not around, all curled up in a ball while tightly hugging your knees, your flushed face hidden between them. but no matter what, you don't feel better. not even after the hours that had passed by.
"waaaah, baby, baby, i saw a new shop on my way home and it has soooooo many cute things," he squeals. ''i couldn't get inside because i was rushing to see you but i spotted a plushie that looked just like byeol! ah, really, we should go there together!" you hear his excited chattering while he takes off his coat and sneakers. in the bedroom, you try your best to look like you're in a deep sleep, your tears clothed eyelashes softly touching the skin of your under eyes.
and there are moments like this evening, when you can suddenly feel yourself being pulled away from your corrupted, self destructive bubble by a gentle touch that saved you so many times before, in the past.
"y/n? aegiya? hey, hey, hey, what's the matter? honey, what's wrong? why are you crying?"
at first, san innocently thought you just fell asleep while waiting for him and he was ready to close the bedroom's door, but he missed you too much and wanted to take a look at his lover before leaving. to delicately trace the line of your cheekbone with his fingertips, to stare at the way you look so peaceful and beautiful while sleeping with hearts in his eyes. it's what he does every time, but this time something was off. you couldn't fool him, not when it comes to your truthful feelings.
in a desperate way of needing to protect you, san swiftly changes his position, from crouching besides the bed to sitting at the edge of it, leaning towards you. he is panicking internally, but he wants to help and showing you this side of him right now won't do. for how long have you been crying? for how long has his precious lover been hurting themselves?
his heart feels crushed by the way you sob his name out and hide your face in the soft pillow. "sannie... i am sorry. i am so sorry."
"shh, it's alright. i am here, baby, i've got you. whatever it is, i am here," he reassures you in a hushed tone. "don't hide from me, beautiful, look at me. please, y/n."
san's voice sounds wretched and a bit shaky, as if it's hard for him to control his emotions. a big weight is taken off his shoulders the moment you decide to turn around and gaze up at him, all teary eyed, looking so exhausted. mentally and physically exhausted. even if there is so much unspoken worry in his eyes, his unforeseen smile takes you by surprise, but warms your heart and makes you forget about everything for a split second. it's a genuine, soft and loving smile, the familiar curl of his lips whenever he's encouraging you about something.
"can i hug you, my love?"
the whispered question makes you choke up. until this exact moment, you had no idea how badly you yearned for san to wrap his hands around you, to push away all those bad thoughts for you because you can't bear doing it all by yourself anymore. so you nod your head and reach out to him, his fingers gently interlocking with yours to pull you in a tender embrace. he lets out a long sigh, one of his arms wrapping tightly around your waist whilst his other arm hugs your shoulders, offering them a small squeeze as if he's trying to comfort you. in this vulnerable position, you feel him beginning to slowly rock both of your bodies from side to side because he knows it calms you down. after a long minute, his sweet voice lights up the room.
"what happened, jagi? do you want to tell me?"
you sniffle as silently as you can, rubbing your cheek against his broad shoulder while you try to find the right words to speak up. you hear a soft ''take your time'' coming from san's lips that soothes your hazy mind, his hand finding the perfect spot to caress the top of your head.
"do you love me, sannie? like, really love me? for who i am?" you shyly ask him. it's such a stupid question, you think while wiping away with your thumb a hot tear that just rolled down your cheek.
san is taken aback by your questions, but he immediately pushes that aside, knowing it's human for everyone to have their doubtful and insecure days. he promptly answers you. "i love you for who you are to the moon and back, y/n. i love you 3000, i loved you yesterday, i love you today and will surely, definitely, more than one hundred percent love you tomorrow. aaaand the day after tomorrow, beautiful."
he lowers his head so he can leave a light kiss behind your ear and continues to whisper to you. "and so on. for the rest of my life. i love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest."
not only your body, but your dark thoughts as well seem to melt away the more san comforts you, the more he envelops you in his adoration.
you slowly rise your head and meet a pair of cat-like eyes fondly looking back at you. san softly hums as he leans in and kisses your forehead, the intimate gesture compelling you to close your eyes in content.
"i just... gosh, i hate the way i look, the way i act, i think, i speak, i hate it all," you let out what has been eating you inside. you sigh as you feel his lips turn into a pout against the skin of your forehead. "i'm sorry, i shouldn't sadden you even mo–"
"ah, how dare you apologize for such thing, aegiya?" he gently scolds you, but his frowning quickly fades away once he understands the gravity of the situation. "when i say that i love you, i mean it especially in moments like these. even if my heart hurts to see you this sad and all i want to do is keep you in there, protected from everything, i do want to witness every part of you. no matter how awful you think it is. i am not leaving, y/n. i am willing to love you through all of your ups and downs."
the wicked voice in the back of your head tells you to deny his confession, but san feels your uncertainty and slowly raises his hands, cupping your face as you feel the warmth of his palms against your cheeks. you inhale deeply, — an attempt to stop another wave of tears.
"hey. can you do something for me baby?" he quietly asks you, with hope written all over his face. the second you agree with him, your boyfriend breaks into his well known dimpled smile. "thank you. here, hold my hand as tight as you want, okay?"
you listen to him and grab his hand, san bringing yours close to his mouth and kissing the back of it affectionately. he helps you get up.
"follow me."
"where are we going?" you ask, a bit anxious and san can sense it from the way you've tightened your grip on his hand.
"don't worry, we aren't leaving the bedroom. come on, come on!" he cutely giggles, gently shaking your hand.
without any more questions, you walk behind him until both of you are facing the long mirror on the wall. you can't help but frown, visibly confused as san makes you stay in front of him, your back facing his front.
"give me a few more minutes of your time, my love. i promise it will be worth it."
you can't help but softly smile at him. "san, you know i would give you my every second for the rest of my life if needed."
he dramatically clutches his heart, shutting his eyes tight while his head falls back. "aing! wah! ouch, baby, my heart!"
his playful reaction sparked an amused chuckle out of you. your lover smiles, clearly very proud of himself for making you laugh a bit. and very proud of you for allowing yourself to feel better.
"do you have the slightest idea how brightly you radiate when you smile? when you look at me with those pretty, sparkly eyes of yours? do you have any idea how lucky i am, mm?"
you instinctively bite your lower lip, looking away from him. you yelp when you feel his fingertips all of the sudden tickling your waist. laughing, you want to protest, but his face expression softens your heart.
"don't look awaaaaay, my plan won't work if you do thaaat!" he admits, all sulky and with begging eyes.
"okay, okay," you mutter, fighting another giggle.
smiling again, san stops his tickling. instead, he comfortably lets his hands rest on your hips. "this time, can you try looking at yourself in the mirror rather than looking back at me?"
you close your eyes for a brief moment, gaining some inner strength to look at yourself without breaking down. when you open your eyes, you notice san patiently glancing at you.
"mm. ah! no, no, eyes on yourse– that's it," he lets out a breathy giggle, patting your hips. "good job."
his praising gives you more courage, even if you still find it hard to keep your eyes fixated on your face and body. "um... where do i look?"
"just listen to me and your eyes will follow naturally, okay?"
you hum, leaning onto him slightly. he notices and with a cheerful sound escaping his curled lips, hugs you from behind.
"i love your eyes. their color, their shape... those gorgeous eyes have seen so much. witnessed so many memorable moments, but also unpleasant ones that helped you grow as a person. i also love your nose. really, ah, i really love your nose, did you know that, jagi?"
san raises one hand and softly traces the line of your nose. when his finger reaches the tip of it, he gently taps it as he lets out an adorable "boop!". you close your eyes and laugh at how endearing he is.
"i also love when your nose wrinkles like that when you laugh. you're so cute," he whines. "why can't i just make you pocket sized and keep you in there? because i wouldn't be able to kiss you and cuddle with you then!" him answering his own question is a very amusing sight for you.
"ah, and your cute cheeks that i always kiss and–"
"and sometimes munch on them." you teasingly finish his sentence. he pouts again, as if he got caught.
"but they look munchable! it's not my fault!"
while you're giggling at him, san's fingers move a bit lower, to the corner of your lips. you feel your face starting to heat up.
"i love your lips. the shape of them. so mesmerizing, baby," he whispers and your eyes follow his, staring at the way his fingertip barely touches your cupid's bow. you don't move, barely breathing while he traces the shape of your mouth. "your thoughts always come out through those lips. and you always bless me with the way you talk, the way your voice sounds. and the way you pucker your lips when you lean in to share a kiss with me. how soft they feel against mine. i strongly believe they were made for me."
you become aware of how hot your cheeks have become. san notices that as well and smiles, muttering a "cute" under his breath before moving lower with his hands, making sure to lovingly caress every inch of your skin.
"your shoulders. you carried and still carry so much weight on them. and i admire you so much for that. you are such a strong person," he speaks softly and his words touch the deepest corner of your heart, making it flutter against your rib cage. to know he appreciates you for the battles you went through the same way you admire him for fighting his own struggles is very comforting.
"but my shoulders are broader, baby, so i don't mind if you throw some of that weight on them, if not all of it. your strong boyfriend can handle it!"
his fingers slowly move down your arms. "i love your arms too. the way you always wrap them around me. you make me feel so loved," san whispers, softly kissing your right shoulder. "so loved. i love when we snuggle up to each other and i get to be the little spoon."
"mhm, i know. you're always so excited about that." both of you laugh at your words. san kisses your hands one more time before going lower on your body. once they reach your stomach, he interlocks his own fingers against it, smiling to himself.
"i love your stomach, baby. so much. it always makes me so happy when you fill it with yummy food. when i bring you to the best restaurants and we sit there, enjoying each other's presence and the delicious meals we chose to eat. i know it's hard to have a good appetite sometimes, but i want you to know how proud i feel when i look at you enjoying your favorite food. the way you go nom nom nom nom nom nom," he cutely mimics. you giggle, shaking your head. "really! it warms my heart."
he takes you by surprise when he crouches down behind you and hugs your legs, clinging to them with the sweetest look on his face.
"sannie, love, wha–"
"i can't forget your legs, jagiyaaaa! those legs that i love so much. they bring you to so many places. they brought you to me," he sighs in content, hugging them a bit tighter. "the way they move whenever i make you dance with me in the living room or kitchen. ah, i'm so thankful for them."
this whole time, your eyes have been following san's hands without even realizing. with his help and gentle care, you managed to draw imaginary, precious flowers all over your body. from the corner of your eyes, to all the way down where you ground yourself. everything feels like a breath of fresh air, thanks to him. and you will probably never know how to thank him enough for everything he does for you. but as you turned around to press your lips against his in an intimate kiss, you secretly made a promise to him. that no matter how difficult the real life gets, he has the key to your heart, a heart which will always beat for him. that you will forever allow him to ease up your mind and help you breathe.
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Last night I saw the Great Gatsby musical. Before I went, I reread the Great Gatsby book (for the first time since 11th grade!) to get a refresher on the source material and the original story. Having the book so fresh in my mind made seeing the musical really interesting, and now I am going to do something I never thought I'd do, which is post some lengthy meta about The Great Gatsby. If you haven't seen the musical, this post may still be interesting to read, but it does contain some mild spoilers, so I leave that up to you. If you also haven't read the book, godspeed lol.
There's a lot I could talk about here when it comes to the way the book was adapted for the stage. But there's one particular thing I want to zero in on in this post, and that's the "unreliable narrator" of it all.
In the book, Nick Carraway is our narrator. He's an unreliable narrator practically by default - the idea is that he's retelling events that occurred two years prior, from memory. But even knowing that Nick is probably not reporting all events and characters with complete accuracy, it's hard to know which parts exactly are wrong, or what might have happened in reality, because even though he's an unreliable narrator, he's still the only narrator and this is the only version of events we know. We're forced to take Nick as our surrogate and take him at his word. Until the musical.
(I wondered how the show was going to deal with the fact that the story of Great Gatsby is not only told by an unreliable narrator but also by an outside perspective - generally speaking the events of the Great Gatsby aren't happening to Nick, they're just kind of happening around him. Yet he's the voice of the story, so in that way he's central to it, and I was curious how they were going to balance that fact with the fact that Gatsby is functionally the main character.
I think they struck a really good balance in the end. Nick's beginning and ending lines, lifted verbatim from his book narration, frame him clearly as the anchor of the story - I think that's the best word for it; the audience jumps from scene to scene, many but not all of which contain Nick, but we know that Nick is always going to be where the action is, or that he will at least know about it. He may not be the main character, but he's an essential character. But I digress a little bit.)
The difference between the way the story is imparted to the audience in the book versus in the musical boils down to this: in the book, Nick "plays" every character, so all their dialogue and actions, their mannerisms and the way they're described and reported, it's all informed by the beliefs Nick holds about them. Whether he means to or not, his biases paint certain characters in certain lights, and because he is our eyes and ears to the story, we have no choice but to absorb those biases.
But in the musical, every character is literally played by a different actor. Nick can only speak for himself. Nick can only tell his own parts as they happened. He may be "telling" the story, but we're watching the story. We have the benefit of an unblemished perspective on things - we can watch the events the way they actually unfold, regardless of how Nick believes or remembers they went down.
This difference - between Nick as the narrator and Nick as merely his own voice - is crucial in how the musical develops each character, some of them fairly different from how Nick described them in the book. And there's one book-to-stage change - a fairly small one, all things considered - that, to me, illustrated this difference perfectly.
There's a line towards the end of the Gatsby book. Something Nick says in narration, after his final conversation with Tom Buchanan, talking about how Tom gave away Gatsby's name and location to George Wilson (which ultimately led to Gatsby's death). Nick writes:
"I couldn’t forgive him or like him, but I saw that what he had done was, to him, entirely justified. It was all very careless and confused. They were careless people, Tom and Daisy — they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made…"
When I read this line in the book, I couldn't help vehemently agreeing. Screw those rich assholes! Money does corrupt! Tom and Daisy ARE careless wealthy people! It was easy to side with Nick, not only because he was the only perspective on the situation that I had, but also because he said this in internal response to a conversation with Tom, who, I think we can all agree, is a major jackass and a deeply unsympathetic character.
But in the musical, this line is spoken aloud by Nick. And he says it to Daisy, in her house, as she's packing up to skip town after Gatsby's death. In fact, he doesn't just say it; he shouts it, visibly and audibly outraged at her audacity to lead Gatsby on, ghost him, skip his funeral, and then move away to avoid the fallout. Nick is angry and highly critical of Daisy. But because we're no longer confined to his shoes, we also get to see Daisy's reaction - not as Nick remembers it, but as Daisy actually reacts. And because of that, we're able to really see, and confirm, that "Daisy is rich and careless" is not the full story.
I have to credit Eva Noblezada for a phenomenal performance (duh). Daisy in this scene is emotional, grieving, and it's clear she has been trying to contain these feelings for the sake of her husband and her own sanity. She's remorseful, not that Gatsby is gone necessarily, but that she allowed herself to entertain the fantasy of running away with him, only for it to be torn from her. She is trying to make the best of her unavoidable reality. And then Nick tears her a new one, calling her careless, accusing her of destroying things and being too rich to care.
And as I watched that scene, I was no longer wholly on Nick's side. I understood that this situation was so much more complex than Nick's chastisement acknowledged. Sure, Daisy wasn't innocent, but she also wasn't the callous rich girl Nick made her out to be. She did love Gatsby. And she also had a whole life with Tom. She had a daughter. She was a woman in the 1920s! That's a kind of life sentence even wealth can't erase.
The way Daisy responded may not quite have landed with Nick (if we consider the kind of fun possibility that the musical is the events as they happened and the book is Nick retelling those events as he remembers them two years later, then clearly Nick's disdain for Daisy's actions overtook whatever sympathy he felt for her), but the musical gave Daisy the opportunity to appeal to us. The audience. Having this omniscient perspective of things allowed us to draw our own conclusions, and I found myself a lot more sympathetic towards Daisy when I could both see and hear how she responded to Nick's verbal castigation.
In the book, Nick is the narrator. In the musical, Nick is a narrator. But he's no longer the sole arbiter of the story. The audience got to make our own judgements on the events as we witnessed them. Every one of us was a Nick - beholden to our own biases, maybe, but at least not beholden to his.
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