#~*i gotta start regular therapy again but that's a whole fucking conversation with my boss*~

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

twould be motherfucking spectacular if i could get more than three uninterrupted hours of sleep

#it is genuinely difficult to tell if a person or a dog is walking around the kitchen #ah the fridge opened it's a person #but my landlord watches late night talk shows until like eleven thirty #lets the dog out around one-one thirty #gets a snack around two thirty-three #and wakes up to make a full breakfast at six #like my guy you have classes to teach when do you fucking SLEEP #part of the issue is that the beautiful exposed beams in this apartment are bc the contractor (or my landlord) didn't want to make #the effort to put a real ceiling in #so it's just floorboards no insulation nothing #and bc it's dry and col they have contracted a smidge and sometimes there is grit on my kitchen counters from ppl just walking around #upstairs. and i don't wanna tell them they can't walk around in their own house! #but by god this is a less than compatible living arrangement and it would bother me less if i wasn't trapped here 24/7 #since we're full on whinging now (why are you still reading this) i feel like i have tride very hard to be gentle and understanding #during these unprecedented times and the same has not been extended to me #~*i gotta start regular therapy again but that's a whole fucking conversation with my boss*~ #tbd #frank don't reblog

[lululawrence]

lululawrence’s April 2021 Fic List

Previous Fic Lists / Fic List Podcast Masterpost

April has been a bit of a roller coaster, hasn’t it? But here we are, already almost May! I was able to read so many incredible fics this month. Like... truly, so many STELLAR fics. I’m finally back to reading more of last year’s Big Bang fics, plus a couple that I betaed have already posted, and then I threw in some other shorter ones for fun as well, and I cannot wait to share them with you and tell you what I loved about each one.

In fact, if you’d really like to hear me rhapsodize about these fics, you can listen to my podcast here.

As always, be sure to show your love and appreciation for all of the hard work our fandom authors have put into their fics with kudos, nice comments, and (when applicable) reblogging their fic posts!

Falling in the Wrong Direction by @fallinglikethis / FallingLikeThis (25k, E, Harry/Louis, past Liam/Harry, Big Bang fic, based on Catch and Release, grieving Harry, Liam has recently died when the fic starts, Louis was Liam’s best friend, enemies to friends to lovers, roommates Niall and Zayn, secrets, for real the grief is real in this one, soooo many emotions and all of them perfectly navigated, i loved it all so very much)

sustenance by Anonymous (12k, E, Harry/Louis, Girl Direction, Induced Lactation, Breastfeeding, Lactation Kink, Footballer Louis, Public Breastfeeding, I mean it kinda is public cause they’re surrounded by others due to the nature of the experiment, It’s a whole science thing, it’s... listen it’s all for smut’s sake and it’s fucking hot so, if lactation kink is your thing you gotta do it lol)

Let Me Kiss You by Anonymous (4k, G, Harry/Louis, Zayn/Louis, Liam/Louis, Niall/Louis, Canon Compliant, Louis kisses everyone, I think he and Harry are actually dating and he isn’t dating the rest, anyway, Recreational Drug Use aka weed lol, It’s back when the band was together but kinda seems to float across some years?, Fuck, listen, this fic was just so incredibly pure and good, I loved it so much, I loved how each kiss had a different reason, and the way it is all framed???, IT’S WONDERFUL I LOVED IT PLEASE READ IT)

Hooked With Just One Taste by @dinosaursmate / dinosaursmate (49k, E, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, Cam Boy Louis, Rich Harry, Former-Celebrity Harry, he’s still kinda famous but not actively if that makes sense lmao, side Ziall, I LOVE THE ZIALL OKAY OMG, Also listen, this fic is sooooo smutty and hot and great, but it also is so pure and good?, Like the way Harry and Louis interact and grow to be so into each other for more than just sexy times?, SO GOOD, anyway read itttttt, the art is PERFECT for it too!, props to @wilywolf for that hehe)

your crimes are quiet, my love by @lightwoodsmagic / lightswoodmagic (sarah_writes) (98k, E, Zayn/Liam, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, Miss Congeniality AU, but make it darker and more realistic, lolllll It’s still sooooo much fun though omggggg, MI5 Agents Liam and Zayn, Ziam are partners for work, pining, SO much pining, friends to lovers, oblivious boys seriously, Louis is the pageant trainer/consultant, Harry is Liam’s roommate for the pageant and a contestant, I cannot express to you how incredible this fic was and how much it sucks you in, the storyline was such an original and incredible and creepy yet really lovely take on the original story, i fucking loved it, oh there’s side Shiall too and I loved them even if they weren’t in it nearly so much as the rest!)

Favourite Boy by @quelsentiment / wordsnnotes (9k, T, Zayn/Louis, pining, lack of communication, Friends with Benefits to Lovers, Except they’re more just... the benefits?, I guess it’s more like... Regular Booty Calls to Lovers, lmaoooo, for real though this fic omggggg, it sucked me right into Zayn’s head and the whole issue of it all, and they just won’t talk!!!, SO CRAZY GOOD OMG)

But I’m the Quarterback by @evilovesyou / 4ureyesonly28 (52k, E, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, But I’m the Cheerleader AU, quarterback Harry, Conversion Therapy Camp, Sexuality Crisis, Gay Awakening, Crisis of Faith, Self Harm, Listen, this fic is heavy at times, but for the most part it really is so lovely and gentle, The way Harry comes to learn about himself and accept himself, all with the wonderful people around him going through the same thing, AND LARRY AND LLOYD OMGGGG I LOVE THEM SO MUCHHHHH, anyway, i love this fic please give it a chance if you can handle the tags!, and MASSIVE shout out to the artist @whatagreatproblemtohave for the amazing art!)

Felt Nothing Like Home by @becomeawendybird / QuickedWeen (62k, E, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, Bon Appetit Test Kitchen AU, Specifically a Brad/Claire AU for those who are familiar hehe, Pastry Chef Harry, Professional Chef Louis, YouTube AU, Pining, All the fucking pining, Friends to Lovers, Secret Relationship, This fic is so warm and lovely and soft, And funny omg so funny, but also so sweet, it was absolutely stellar, I love)

The Journal by @wait4ever / RecycledStardust and @evilovesyou / 4ureyesonly28 (14k, G, Harry/Louis, Alternate Universe, Magic, Spells, Mystery, Twin Flames, Soulmates, Reincarnation in a way, Rituals, 1990s AU, but also a Historical fic in certain scenes, and NO the 90s aren’t historical yet FIGHT ME, anyway sorry lol, This fic is so special and I keep getting choked up just thinking about it, It is absolutely lovely and the found friends/family aspect is also so so lovely, and I just, Oh gosh it is a must read please read this fic I’m begging you)

Things Unsaid by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry (4k, G, Harry/Louis, Soulmate Fest fic, which of course means Soulmates!, Soulmarks, Meet Cute, Or well kinda a meet ugly whoops, lol, Lilo Friendship, Humor, Listen this fic is borderline crack in the best way and I laughed so many times reading it, It was lighthearted and wonderful)

To the late night double feature show by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry (2k, NR, Harry/Louis, Halloween fic, Cryptid Harry, kinda? I think he’s considered a cryptid?, lmao ANYWAY, meet cute, Clifford, Crack, This fic was once again adorable and silly and yet soft and warm and once again, I love it, Let’s all just sit and admire the way Emmu’s brain works shall we?)

#mine #fic rec #my fic rec #28th appreciation #fic writer appreciation #fic list #april 2021 fic list

[mycupoffanfiction]

His Second Chance Part 18

Bucky x Reader

His Second Chance Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Bucky comes back from Wakanda with Steve, ready to begin his recovery from his days as the Winter Soldier, but there’s one thing he doesn’t take into account - you.

Warnings: Slight anxiety, language, fluff.

Word count: 2500

Bucky is forced to face the press, a sad discovery is made and the Reader helps Bucky to process a situation.

ALL TAG LISTS ARE ALWAYS OPEN 💖 feel free to come and chat, my blog is always open for you 💕

_______________________________

A sigh passed your lips as you stood behind a large black screen, behind a stage, peeking out to see crowds of reporters and attendees. “Was this really necessary?” You sighed, glancing over at Steve while Bucky was having his microphone tested. “According to Pepper, yes.” Steve sounded just as annoyed as you felt. “According to me, no.” He concluded, giving Bucky a sidelong apologetic look. “Can’t I go out there with him? This could be more damaging than helpful.” You hissed, trying to keep your voice down while you stressed. “No, he’s gotta do it by himself.” Steve shook his head, planting his hands down on your shoulders. “We’ll be here for him when he’s finished, he knows we will, sweetheart.” Steve tried to reassure you. “It doesn’t feel like it’s enough.” You murmured to no one in particular, but Steve heard you and he didn’t say it, but he agreed.

 Tony and Pepper had set up a press conference, in the hopes that Bucky speaking out publicly could help to clear the air, not that you thought it would do much good for Bucky though. The crowd, while not the largest you had seen, was still very overwhelming. You were feeling anxious for him, you could only imagine what the poor guy was feeling while he was waiting at the side of the stage.

 Why do I have to wear a suit? Why do I have to do this at all? Oh god. There’s so many fuckin’ people. There’s gonna be some real pushy assholes too.

She looks worried, god she looks like she’s about to have a fucking panic attack. Bucky looked on at you while you stuck close to Steve’s side, practically smooshing yourself against him.

 Bucky strode over to you both, leaning in to Steve’s side as he gave him a hug. “Can you take her out? She looks like she’s about to panic and I don’t wanna worry about my girl while I’m up there.” Bucky whispered in Steve’s ear. “You got it, pal.” Steve nodded, clapping Bucky on the back. “Good luck, bud.”

Bucky pulled you against him, squeezing you tightly and pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. “I’ll be alright doll; you stick with Stevie. I’ll be out in a while.” Bucky gave you a half smile, leaning down to kiss you on the lips. “You don’t want me here?” You sounded more than a bit offended. Shit, well done. “Pretty girl, I do, but you look like you’re about to keel over, I need you intact when I get off that stage.” He smirked, trying to play off his own nerves with light humour. You chuffed a little laugh and shook your head. “I suppose you’re right.” You reached up to peck his cheek before you backed out of his arms, uttering good luck to him before you stepped back and stood by Steve.

 Steve had dragged you off to a little café around the corner, away from the press conference and tried to distract you with all sorts of random conversation, although, it didn’t work very well and you sat at the table, half listening while you chewed on your lip.

 “I bet you didn’t think I didn’t noticed when I saw that Avengers comic book in that basement of your when I found you.” Steve smiled to himself, remembering the day he’d let himself in and examined your shitty living space. “You- what?” You almost choked on your tea. Your cheeks flushed red as you held your cup close to your lips to try and distract away from your flustered features. “Were you a fan?” He teased, leaning in a poking you gently on the arm. You let out a little strangled noise, embarrassment taking hold and making it very obvious what the answer was. “You were a fan!” He chuckled.

 “C’mon, in all the years I can’t believe we’ve never talked about this, who’s your favourite?” He grinned, nudging you. “Steeeeve.” You groaned, putting your tea down and avoiding eye contact. “Is it me? I bet it’s Sam, no Wanda, probably Wanda.” He giggled like a school girl. “Stevie, Sam and Wanda weren’t part of the Avengers back then.” You reminded him, catching him out and he shook his head affectionately. “Don’t tell anyone, but you’re my favourite.” You smiled, looking up at him with a sweet look in your eyes. “Until I met Bucky and then he took your spot.” You grinned like the devil and Steve feigned offence, gasping and clasping his hand to his chest. “He’s not even an Avenger!” Steve cried out dramatically, the smile on his face telling you he wasn’t the least bit offended.

 Bucky was peppered with questions on the panel, the host managing the crowd for him while he sat uncomfortably, gaze nervously flitting from person to person as he tried desperately to keep himself calm.

“Mr Barnes, is it still possible for you to become the Winter Soldier?”

“Was Hydra controlling you or did you have a form of choice?”

Breathe. Breathe through it, answer politely.

Bucky threw out a lot of simple no’s and yes’, but there were a few questions that boiled his blood or made him want to lecture the fuck out of the reporter. “Do you feel yourself a danger to your fellow teammates?” Not anymore. “Are you still a threat?” No. “Are you mentally able to live a regular life?” Urgh.

 By the time it was over, Bucky was well and truly fed up of the array of questions that mostly felt recycled and rephrased over and over. Some felt like they were intentionally trying to piss him off and others were genuinely alright, although those were few and far between. But at least it was over and hopefully Stark would never make him do that ever again. Especially while wearing a damn suit.

 “It was mostly awkward, lots of the same questions repeated with different wording, lots of uncomfortable questions about my personal shit.” Bucky groaned as he walked alongside you, top buttons of his shirt open, tie loosened and his blazer was replaced with a warm zip up hoodie instead. “You woulda’ hated it doll.” He chuckled to himself, imagining you wanting to mouth off every one of the rude reporters he’d encountered, knowing full well you would have gone into protective girlfriend mode had you been present. “I suppose it’s a good thing Steve made me go with him then.” You smirked. “Although that café wasn’t much better, I was just stuck in my head the whole time.” You sighed, leaning up against him as you followed Steve and Sam down to your usual coffee shop for some decent and well-priced hot drinks.

 “C’mon sweetheart, the coffee ain’t gonna buy itself!” Steve called over his shoulder as you trailed behind him and Sam. You stopped at the window of your usual coffee shop, inspecting something while Steve yanked on the door to no avail. “They closed today? They’re never closed.” Bucky grumbled. You studied the note in the window, your heart dropping a little.

Out of business.

This was where you’d had your first casual date with Bucky, where you’d admitted feelings for each other. It was where Bucky had released all of his troubles from therapy, told you so many secrets. It was where you had experienced some of the best times of your life, albeit in a simple way. The baristas had been friendly, welcoming and you’d both become regulars. And now it was gone. It was closed and your bright, warm coffee shop was no longer there.

 “Aw, of all the places to shut down!” Steve groaned. “They had the best fuckin’ coffee.” He complained, walking away towards Sam. “Language, Cap.” The pair of them immediately started bickering in the background as you and Bucky stood outside of the café. “M’sorry doll.” Bucky’s arm wound around your back, hand coming down to rest on the curve of your waist. “This place was our café.” You sighed, feeling a little silly that you were so upset about a café. “I know, darlin’.” Bucky kissed your temple. Bucky was just as attached to the memories in that coffee shop as you were, not that he was likely to say that out loud in ear shot of the boys.

 “C’mon, we’ll try and find somewhere new to go.” Bucky pulled you away rather reluctantly. It’s always the good places that go. Bucky huffed to himself as he walked you over to Steve and Sam who were still playfully insulting one another as they walked down the street. “There’s another coffee place around the corner.” Sam announced over his shoulder to you both as he held his phone up with he map open, not that you could see the details at all. “Go left.” Sam prodded Steve. “Are you kidding? It’s this way.” Steve veered him in another direction, the two of them pushing each other about as Steve tried to get Sam to position the map on his phone correctly to show him that he absolutely knew the way there.

Idiots. “It’s this way.” Bucky grumbled as you caught up with them and overtook them both.

 As expected, the coffee place you went to didn’t match the wonderful drinks you’d had from your usual place and you felt a little deflated from the overwhelming afternoon. All you’d wanted after Bucky’s press conference was some down time in your favourite café with your boys, but even that was out of the question.

 Bucky walked into the kitchen from your trip out and stared down at a brown envelope on the kitchen island as if it had offended him. “You got mail?” Sam sounded surprised as he walked up beside him. All Bucky did was let out a gruff humph as he pulled his hoodie off. “Oh, it’s the results, isn’t it?” He sighed, leaning on his elbows on the island, trying to catch Bucky’s line of sight. “Open it, man.” Sam nudged him gently. Not sure I want to. Bucky just stared at the envelope, a part of him just wanted to put it away and open it when he’d gained the courage or impulse to actually do it. It wasn’t that he was worried he’d failed, he had a doubt in his mind, a doubt that passing would bring him any joy at all.

 “C’mon, what’s the worst that could happen? If you failed then…” Bucky unintentionally blocked Sam out, his voice going muffled in his ears. He took a deep breath, eyes trained on his name on the envelope.

Imagine if ma was here. Would she be proud? Would she be proud of you dating a pretty girl with a soft heart? Would she be proud of the man you’re becoming? She certainly wouldn’t be proud of the man you were. That’s for sure.

You weren’t him though.

 “Bucky? Hellooo?” Sam waved his hand in front of his face. “Where’d the Bucky of yesterday go? I miss the stupid cat photos and now you’re staring and being all silent like the day you arrived.” Sam grumbled. “Today did me in. Thought you hated ‘em.” Bucky spoke lowly before snatching the envelope from the island. “I kinda do, but they’re better than… Whatever this is.” Sam gestured at Bucky. “Thanks, Sam.” He huffed, turning to walk away. He only means well, keep cool.

 “Doll.” Bucky sounded tired, bothered, frustrated even as he stood in your doorway. You hummed in response, looking up from your book as you sat nestled under a blanket. “Will you open this for me, please?” Bucky asked as he walked into your bedroom, holding out the brown envelope. You lowered your book and looked up at him from your position on your nest of cushions on the floor. “What is it?” You asked, closing your book. “Results.” Bucky replied simply, voice gruff and deep. He was in an almost reclusive mood, but you were just thankful that he had willingly come to you.

 You took the envelope from him and got Bucky to sit down next to you. He awkwardly lowered himself onto your cushion pile and leant against you. “What’s got you too worried to open it, Sarge?” You asked, looking up at him. “I know it’s not the prospect of failing, Buck.” You quirked a brow before he could even think about lying to you.

 Just tell her, she’ll know what to say, she always does. “M’not scared of failing.” Bucky grumbled. “M’scared of passing.” He sighed, lowering his voice to just above a whisper. You looked up at him, confusion scrunching your brows together for a moment before you processed what he’d said. “You’re not sure you want this, are you?” You asked, resting the envelope on your lap. “No.” Bucky spoke just above a whisper. But neither are you. “I understand.” You maintained a soft smile.

 She never seems to judge, never seems to see you differently no matter what you tell her. Takes it all in her stride. Stronger than she gives herself credit for. Stronger than me.

“You don’t have to want it, Bucky.” You murmured. “Whatever is in the envelope doesn’t define you.” You looked down at it, fingers tracing over his name on the front. “It isn’t an order or an instruction to do something.” Gripping the envelope you picked it up. “At the end of the day, it’s just a piece of paper.”

“This paper doesn’t tell you to go into the Avengers full throttle. Doesn’t tell you to give up. Doesn’t tell you to live a different life. It tells you which doors are open and which are shut.” You handed him the envelope.

 Bucky looked down at you, the corners of his lips curving slightly. A new light, a new perspective. It tells you which doors are open and which are shut. I knew she’d know what to say, she always does. Bucky took the envelope and slowly slipped his finger under the top flap, carefully peeling open the closure. With a deep breath and a slow, long exhale, Bucky pulled the papers out of the envelope.

 Is this good? I suppose it is. Bucky lowered the papers, just enough for you to see the results and he shared a look with you. Bold letters, it was the only word you really saw on the paper, the rest of it could have been in another language and you wouldn’t have cared.

Passed.

“Think of it this way, all of the doors are open now, Bucky.” You smiled, his eyes softening as he met your gaze. “You can do anything.” You gripped his hand gently, Bucky squeezing your fingers slightly. “We can do anything.” You leaned up against him and Bucky let a smile crack across his lips.

As long as it’s with you, pretty girl.

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Permanent Taglist:

@shygirl-00 @scuzmunkie @paintballkid711 @lovelylilia @cals-cigarette @scarlett-berserker @2407zzz @mercurybarnes @mywinterwolf @geeksareunique @fairislesheets @wendaiii @mochibarnes @dyckvindyke @anyasthoughts @miamua-posts @megantje123

His Second Chance Taglist:

@socialheartbreak @whatsupbucky @yesno18 @just-a-littlebit-of-everything @crystallstaircase @fantua @lady-x-red @buckys-islandgirl @chipilerendi @butteryoptimisticpeanut @blondecity @dark-night-sky-99 @marvel-ous-buckyy @rand0mfangurlstuff @tfandtws @vxidnik @books-baritones-bucky @bluerorjhan @calwitch @hello-keeley @vrgelivvvv @viperslunatic @carol-twinklefists-danvers @stitchers-in-stitches @hungry-pasta @lauraxwndrlnd @supercleverbouquetsoul @isaaclaheygurl @torntaltos @jhangelface0523 @love-on-the-murder-scene @a--1--1--3

#bucky x reader #bucky x you #soft!bucky x reader #His Second Chance #bucky barnes #bucky fluff #bucky fanfic #steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #avengers x reader

[id-on-parade]

A New Day

This will probably be a pretty long post. I’m gonna put the positives at the front, then i’m gonna exorcise some demons from my mind. This exorcism is to remove them from my head, not to put them into someone else’s, so i’ll go ahead and put an end to positives notice, and i guess read on at your own risk.

I am currently waiting on a list of approved Mental Health care providers in my area from my insurance company, I’ve just gotten off the phone with them and they said they would send it to me and I should pick one. After picking one and confirming they are accepting patients I should call the insurance folks back to get approval for a number of appointments. They close at five, so hopefully I’ll get the list soon so i can get this rolling - hopefully i’ll get this sorted today. Its funny that I feel this sense of almost giving up on doing it myself, this outdated cultural stigma at the same time that I feel a strong sense of hope that this will be a turning point in my mental health. I look back and wonder with a decent sense of awe how different my life might have been had I received mental health care as a teen when this all started.

I had a pretty heavy depressive episode yesterday, and am happy to report that today feels more like my standard levels of depression, i’m me again today - the me that most know, not the me that’s falling and can’t seem to catch hold. this information that today is a new day, i’ve survived, and the pit appears to have closed is the end of the positives for this post. here on in will be an unloading of a very stressful and difficult week, read on if you wish, but i gotta get these demons out somewhere, so here they go.

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I guess i should start at the start. I returned this last week from a week of sick leave wherein I had some Covid symptoms, my wife had some Covid symptoms and at the start of that sick week, that was majorly stressful.  I got tested, nasal swab, x-ray, and found to be negative for covid, or pneumonia. my wife’s insurance, however, had her do an online appointment, she answered some questions, the internet told her it was likely viral sinusitis, and wrote her a note to take the week off as well, no seeing a doctor, no actual tests. now, luckily, we both seem to have gotten better over that week - but boy was that frustrating.

When I returned to work, my boss and I had a bit of a disagreement about what a sick note through Saturday meant, he thought i should have come in Saturday, I thought i shouldn't. I even called Saturday and someone over the phone told me i was not scheduled Saturday. at the end of the conversation he had basically made it seem like i was dumb for thinking about it the way i did, that it didn’t matter about the call on Saturday, and that i might get in trouble. then he said “so, for next time, you know - come in on the day that’s listed.” So far, no trouble has come down the pipeline about that, but he’s been much less jovial with me of late.

That’s probably a decent bit of paranoia, we’ve all been less jovial of late, at my work. Providing mental health care to inpatient teens is hard. there’s a lot of secondhand trauma. (more on that later) there’s a lot of firsthand trauma. (more on that later). These kids are quite ill, and they are trying so hard, often put up against a life that’s honestly too difficult for even most adults, my whole heart goes to them. Right now, With the pandemic, and the rioting, they have more stress than ever, and less access to their loved ones, and anyone who knows anything about mental illness, knows what that means for their mental health. And with all of our patients having suddenly much worse mental health it means not only that my coworkers and I are dealing with more unsafe situations, and absorbing more trauma, but on the back-end we’re watching these kids backslide through months of progress, and sometimes that’s so heartbreaking. It’s normal, to backslide, and it doesn’t mean anything negative about the kids, but it doesn’t make it less heartbreaking. so yeah, coworkers are all in their stressed out, panic, survival modes, and its pretty visible right now - which means sometimes we are not as awesome to each other as we could be.

One of my coworkers was especially not awesome, to himself, this week. I really looked up to this  guy. takes heart to be openly flamboyantly queer with these kids, and he was, and he was always honest with them as far as accountability, a real no-sugar-coating type guy. when things got rough, it wasn’t unusual to hear him say “look at your life, look at your choices” to these kids, where other staff might handhold, and walk them through an analysis of what they’d been doing. Well, this week he must have finally snapped from the stress, as about 5 cop cars and a firetruck arrived at the neighboring cottage to retrieve him from the bathroom, where he had sequestered himself to huff aerosol mid shift. He won’t be returning, and he was damn good at this. he’ll be missed, and I hope away from the job he can recover.

Stream of consciousness, this brings us to kids and trauma. To avoid trauma, as the kids also care about that coworker, I ushered the kids I was outside with into the building. well, all but one. This is a fairly new patient, AFAB NB, spent a long time homeless before coming to us, family ain’t about the identity. As the cops rolled up, they were hurling insults, flipping them off, and generally saying things that I had to remind them to watch their language for. not that i reminded them very loud, because honestly, mood. But then they got silent as the cops sent to work, and they got real still. they stopped responding to me, and that was when i decided to walk around in front of them and force eye contact. they were on the verge of tears. I said “They aren’t here for you, you’re safe here, let’s go inside - it isn’t helping you to watch this.” they said It’s just --- the last time I saw the Cops they were hauling away my boyfriend”. - “that is extremely traumatic, if you come inside with me we can work on some coping, and help you to get the thoughts out, will you come inside with me?” -- “I wan’t to, But I just Can’t, I Can’t Make Myself.” - “Can you take my arm and we’ll walk together?” --”NO! I Can’t Have Anyone Touch Me Right Now, PLEASE” - “Absolutely, you’re safe here, how about if we take it slow, and I walk beside you instead?” -- “o-okay” it took us roughly 5 minutes to walk the 20 steps to the door. Once inside, they wept in a ball for some time, before beginning to work on coping skills with me. In processing, they let me know they were having such trouble because the boyfriend they were remembering had been very abusive, and the cops were hauling him off because of the beatings he had heaped upon them. that they hated the cops because they thought they loved him at the time, even though they now know he was not good for them, but knowing that hadn’t made them hate the cops less. And that seeing the cops had put their mind firmly into memories of being abused, and that they were having trouble breaking free of that thought trap. eventually we were able to get them involved in group activities and somewhat distracted, at least.

There’s a kid who reminds me of me as a teen, he’s depressed, and angry. unlike me as a teen he’s also very slow to process, and to avoid falling behind when he fails to process things he either makes cruel jokes, or explodes with anger. His dog is dying. His family barely sees him normally, but with the virus they don’t do much at all. His only contact is family therapy, and when he remembers to call them. he often doesn’t remember to call them until after phone time is over. then he wants to scream and shout and tear everything apart when he doesn’t get to make the call. This story though, is about a day he did remember to call. And his family let him know about the riots, all across the country. He’s trying hard to understand, but he doesn’t. He thinks, his being here, after drug and assault charges, has something to do with whats going on out there. that maybe his case is also unjust. but he also knows he needs this care. but he also sees himself backsliding and feels hopeless about progress, due to the depression. This is when he decides to try to recruit his peers to escape with him. All of his peers, to their credit, stayed the fuck out of it. but it did mean convincing him of the value of treatment, and the potential risk of breaking down a door - while he was trying to break down a door. he’s one of the few that I honestly don’t know, if i’m alone with him and he swings on me, if i could defend myself well enough until support arrived. he didn’t that day. but boy was that A Lot Of Stress.

The kid who has assaulted the most staff and peers, physically, verbally, sexually. started a plan that had him out of Low Stim and with peers in Close Attention this week, because we were receiving a new kid this week, at six foot, straight from juvie, a known fighter, and an off-meds psychopath. and, even though Low Stim has 2 rooms, we’re trying to get sexually assaultive kid out of there so there isn't risk in the dual occupancy. i’ll talk about new kid later, for now lets talk about the more long term patient. this patient has trouble with building relationships, an echo of the abuse he experienced in younger life, frequently he gets sexually explicit, physically assaultive and perhaps fecally oriented while doing so, especially when he is worried about relationships, or feels “too silly”. the trouble being of course, our counseling works best when we build strong relationships with patients, and even regular jokes can push him into the “too silly” category. He did well for the first bit. after about three days the back to back escalations began. a peer told a joke, he laughed too much, the staff pulled all the other kids inside and away from him to protect them. he whipped out his dick, pissed all over the place, tried showing it to staff, then began throwing sidewalk chalk everywhere, windows, doors, the roof, towards other buildings, whatnot. when the support staff arrived and 12 of us asked him to proceed to a quiet room, he did so of his own volition, rather than us taking him, and due to that, my coworker did not lock him there. no sooner had the extra staff gone than he came out banging around.we went hands on and locked him there. at the end of an hour and a half, my coworker deemed he had calmed enough to rejoin his peers. no sooner had he made his way back into the milieu than he began trying to hug and grope various staff.we again hauled him into a quiet room and locked him there. as the shift neared its end, we called security and had them help us get him back to his room in the LSA, not wanting to leave night shift with a kid in a QR. once back there, he tried to show staff his dick, again, and eventually settled into refusing to go to his room, when it was clear staff wouldn’t interact with him anymore for the night and expected him to go to bed, he went in his room, drug his mattress to being half down in the doorway, looked at me and said “is this in my room enough?” before laying down to try to sleep. he was scared, after everything he didnt want to be alone, and would rather not follow directions and potentially be in trouble, than be by himself in his room. I let him stay there. More of the same throughout the following day, and the day after that is when his story intersects with new kids in just about the most traumatic way.

New kid is over six feet, muscular, dead eyed, and arrived wearing a juvie orange jumper which he refuses to change from. developmentally, it is hard to distinguish this mustachioed individual from a fully grown man. in all of his dealings with staff, he was robotically polite. out of staffs sight he could be heard screaming angrilly, wailing in dispair, cursing out people who aren’t there, and then pleading “ oh no, no no no, NO NO NO NO” like you would expect to hear from a prone person while someone with a bloody knife walked towards them. I know because for a lot of the week i sat and listened to this. i listened to him strike himself after the pleading as well. and while I personally was not threatened in any way by his actions, it was still extremely stressful and distressing. Throughout the week, whenever the longer term patient overheard these things, he would should “would you stop, damn” to the new kid, and less polite versions. I tried to remind the long term patient that everyone struggled with different things, and that it would be better to ignore his peer, or at least make politer requests. no such luck. it seemed, throughout the week as though new kid simply did not hear long term patient.he proved that wrong on saturday afternoon, when he marched out of his room and began wailing on long term patient. after long term patient fell, new patient grabbed him by the hair and pulled him into a room, where the beating could be heard to continue. By the time we had enough staff to safely go in, new kid was standing one foot on long term kids throat, looking him in the eyes and repeating “i’m going to kill you” but, dispassionately.

I think thats it for work stress, I covered viral stress earlier. I am stressed by the riots. it makes me profoundly sad that it must come to this, but i also find myself firmly believe it HAD to come to this. that this rioting is righteous, and the only road to social change. I’ve been a punk since I was a teen, and I feel like i should do more for this movement, but honestly all of my energy is being spent keeping me going and treating these kids.

My depression has picked my relationship with bestie to fixate on in these trying times, and I fear I may have damaged that relationship because of it this weekend. bestie has just started a new schedule which is excellent for her. I’m so happy that she is now on a schedule that works for her needs, and will allow a healthy amount of sleep, and time at home, and for her to sleep close to the hours she’d prefer to be sleeping. I had been very lucky in that her last schedule was very close to my own schedule, and so our time at home nearly entirely overlapped. she chose to spend a number of mornings, and late evenings after the rest of the house just hanging out, her and I, and I absolutely love that time. I don’t want to sound entitled to it, at all. it is a gift she gives to me, that I am so happy to receive and which i am so glad she wants to give to me. With the new schedule she will have to leave early enough that the morning hangouts will not be an option, and because of this likely ought to go to bed early enough that the hangouts while the house slumbers aren’t a healthy choice. My depression tried hard to have me believing that this meant those times were just gone. After work saturday, bestie and wifey were listening to an excellent, but extremely despairing/sad audio drama.It was very enjoyable. It was probably not a mentally healthy choice for me to partake in that, and had I requested a different hangouts activity, they might have been a little sad, but probably would have swapped. instead, rather than be an even minor inconvenience I joined because i wanted the hangouts, and had a great time listening to a great story and felt like while the despair was growing in me, in resonance with the story, i’d sleep on it and it’d be alright sunday. I woke up sunday honestly too depressed to get out of bed. just laying in spiral. I asked bestie to join us in bed, when i heard her going to get her phone charger, hoping extra cuddles would help me get through, i don’t know why i couldn’t ask for what I wanted, I had the opportunity and I’m sure it would have been fine, now, in hindsight. I felt like at the time I was so certain something would go wrong. eventually everyone came to the bed and there was a semi-cudllepuddle. people didn't want to fall back asleep, it makes sense not to full cuddle puddle for that. as people set in on their various phone activities I started to get that feeling like i wasn’t part of what was happening (despite being there. I know, I don’t know why, but when the depression gets going it gets harder to fight.) and rather than grab my phone and to the separate activities together thing I just withdrew. i recall someone commenting on it, and I thought i said something confirmatory about it. The blondes (wifey and besties husband) went to the store, and I could tell bestie might fall asleep, so i tried to get her to stay awake, she needed to for the new schedule. in interacting i’d asked to hold her hand, and she observed i was sad to relinquish it when she wanted it back. admitting that made me sad, led to just an outpouring of all of this stuff sans work stuff. and the worry about time to spend. I shouldn’t have dumped all of that on her, she didn’t consent to listening to that, and she certainly had a stressful enough time. I hate that when I’m in the throws of this damn disease I can’t seem to stop this. I don’t want to hurt the people I love. I don’t want to push them away. She reminded me I ought to go to therapy. I worry I may have offended her by talking about worrying about time we’d get to spend together. That voice in my brain is trying to convince me that her response means that those times mean so much more to me than to her. thats a damn lie. its a damn lie and it needs to get out. I’m exorcising it with the lot.

I’ve just received the list. I’m ending this here, and moving forward with that productive enterprise

#depression #Work Stress #bestie #wifey #therapy #Begone Demons

[b-beeprichie]

Eddie Is Spider-Man pt 2 ????

Title: Killer Clowns From Outer Space

Paring: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier

A/N: this is a drabble i found in my notes from awhile back, it’s connected to this one. there’s no real rhyme or reason i wrote this, i just really love marvel and the idea of eddie being spider-man??? anyway a couple ppl wanna see it, so here ya go. should i turn this into a series of some sort?? it’s un-beta’d and all that jazz, but at least it’s not hiding in my notes anymore! sorry for all the mistakes!

Warnings: Blood, Evil Toddler Clowns

Since teaming up with the Avengers became a somewhat regular thing, Eddie's discovered that bad guys come in all different shapes and sizes.

There's the usual petty theft criminals that Eddie honestly misses at times like these.

Why can't anyone simply rob a bank these days?

Or commit a mugging?

There are plenty of old ladies with oversized purses just begging to be snatched from unsuspecting liver spotted hands, it’s a real travesty.

Instead now everyone has mutant powers, the technology to blow Eddie through a building, or both. The bad guys are growing more advanced, more dangerous. Including these nasty, drooling, toddler sized clowns.

They wreak havoc throughout downtown, massive heads with extendable jaws, snapping viciously at anything that comes within reach.

Eddie will never look at the circus the same way again. "Guys?" Eddie called out to the nearby Avengers. "I don't know how much longer I can hold these things off, they’re chewing through my web like it's cotton candy and they have no respect for dental hygiene." Eddie bundled another group of clowns together, sticking them to any and every surface. They’re fast, even Captain America is having trouble keeping up with them, snatching one off his back and smacking it into a wall with his shield were it landed with a disgusting splat.

Oh yeah, they exploded into blood red slime, this was literally the stuff from nightmares. "I-I don't know w-where they're coming from." Cap said in frustration, only stuttering when things were going down hill.

From the way one of the clowns was currently trying it’s best to chew its way through Georgie's metal arm, things were going downhill fast.

Who knew they would need all hands on deck for small army of clowns.  

At least Hulk was enjoying himself, stomping viciously on the  redheaded critters, flinging slime every which direction with giant green fist. It never failed to surprise Eddie that the massive green Hulk in front of him, who was having far too much fun literally stomping demonic toddler clowns to death, was Mike Hanson. The same man who sat in a lab with him pouring over different scientific formulas. Eddie's life is so so weird. He's in the middle of rescuing a family trapped inside a car when a boot clad figure dressed in red drops down on the hood.

"Spidey, you didn't tell me Ronald McDonald had kids! You know morally, morally I can't hurt kids." Deadpool jumped off the car, katanas pulled out of their sheaths. "But I think I can make an exception for these squirmy clown fucks."

Things end very quickly after that, child sized body parts go flying as the herd of clowns Eddie had previously contained broke free and swarmed the remaining Avengers. It's a bloody massacre, Eddie's jaw is dropped in both shock and amazement as Richie sliced unnaturally fast through clowns starting burst after burst of exploding clown slime. By the time Richie is finished every clown is dead except for the one Captain America managed to capture.

The entire team is covered in thick blood red gunk. Including the family inside the car, windshield wipers starting up almost comically except for the fact it was smearing clown slime out the way. The kids inside are going to need therapy for the intense phobia of clowns they're most likely to develop after this.

"Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, fuck yeah! Did you SEE the shit." Richie grinns behind his mask and walks over to Eddie.

Eddie is covered in clown slime, he can feel it clinging to his suit, thick and gelatinous. He wants to throw up, oh god he's actually going to throw up. Life's hard when you're both a hypochondriac AND a superhero, this has happened more times than Eddie would like to admit. Some things didn’t go away with the bite, and his fear of germs and questionable substances is one of them. He’s working on it.

Eddie lifts the bottom of his mask, just enough so he's not blowing chunks inside the suit. The thought alone makes him gag even more, choking on the smell. He's taking the world's longest shower after this, and a nice long walk or two through one of Stanley's decontamination chambers. "Oh no, Spaghetti!" There's a gloved hand on his back rubbing gentle circles low on his spine, a little too low. "Are you seriously trying to cop a feel right now!" Eddie yelps, spitting the remaining bile out and swatting away Richies wandering hands. Only it's too late, when Eddie stands up to pull his mask back down the rest of the Avengers are standing around with various expressions of what the fuck. "Come on Spidey you know I can't keep my hands off you, have you seen you." "I'm literally vomiting!!" Captain America coughs loudly, and when Eddie looks over Iron man is standing next to him with his face plate drawn up. "Deadpool." Bill said sternly, which was much nicer that what Stan follows up with. "What is he doing here." Stan said pointedly.

It’s ridiculous how sassy and disappointed a red and gold metal suit can look. "Uhhh..." Eddie started, honestly not sure how to answer that question. What was Richie doing here?

"You didn't tell them about us?! This is no way for me to meet your dads! Look at them!" Richie gestured vaguely in the teams direction.

"Wait, you guys are together?" Hawkeye pointed between the both of them. Eddie wanted to die, he was covered in clown slime and sweat, everything smelled like vomit, he needed to shower, and now the Avengers thought he was dating a wanted criminal. "No!" Eddie shouted both hands up in defense. "I don't even know this guy!" Richie gasped dramatically, and okay that was a lie. "I mean I know him! But not like that, he's been following me! But we're NOT together!" Eddie turned towards Deadpool. "And they're not my dads, we're the same age! Except for Captain, hes old enough to be all our dads, but he's not our dad!" "He's been following you." Black Widow chose to speak up, all of the Avengers taking a defensive stance.

Richie takes a step back, sticking his katanas back into place. "Well this little family meeting has been nice and all but I gotta blow this popsicle stand. I hate clowns you know, very terrifying. This whole ordeal has been very traumatic for me and that’s really saying something, I've been through a lot." A large hand palmed the top of Eddie's head, and for moment his heart stops thinking Richie would pull off his mask. Instead Richie kissed the top of his head, making Eddie flush and shove away from him.

Richie laughs in response, running off into the slowly forming crowd.

"Should I go get him?" Ben questioned, crossbow aimed and ready to fire at what Eddie believes to be Richie’s ass.

Bill held up his hand and pinched the bridge of his nose, a sign to both hold off and express frustration.

"No, b-but you." He pointed at Eddie. "We need to have a serious conversation later, you're going to tell us everything."

Eddie whined but nodded.

Fucking Deadpool.

Fucking killer clowns.

#eddie is spiderman?? #marvel/IT crossover #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #It (2017) #fanfiction #reddie #should i continue?

[mikecardenmpreg]

recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on. 

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism) 

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want. 

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

#suicide mention #long post #very long and personal post

[essencepoints]

https://ift.tt/eA8V8JWarning as usual -long ass journal style post ahead. Read it or not. Your call. I think info is important or I would not have included it.   This is in part an update to this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/bxih8t/fr_losing_my_religion/   As well as a FR on what I believe to be my main event and an open solicitation of advice, calling me a faggot, whatever the hell you want. Let me have it guys. Time to knock the dust off and grow.   Figured out my religion was bullshit, wife still very religious- she threatened divorce - I immediately lawyered up and began gathering info (stay plan is now same as go plan) but took no action to initiate divorce... just notes.   She found out I talked to atty, had a meltdown, and now tries to re-frame me as the bad guy who is threatening divorce. Don't give a fuck, just STFU and execute.   Phase 1: once she calmed down and realized I wasn’t fucking around with her divorce threats anymore, she became submissive, fun, sexual. We’ve had sex nearly every day for a couple of weeks. Not overly passionate hysterical bonding panic sex but the dread was up and she seemed to respect me and desire me more.   As time went on frequency stayed high but quality slid closer and closer to just above starfish.   The church still pisses me off. Big anger phase that I’m trying to overcome. I'm working my way out and will tell you about it in detail if you want to know. For now, just know that I am leaving.   Fuck I once again see the need to STFU. I lose frame when I discuss my problems with the church with her because she feels so strongly about it and I get angry when she won’t look at it logically. Bringing up the church in any way is a surefire way to dry sex up for a day or more.   My inner validation whore wants her to realize I am not crazy but she’s going to just have to think what she likes while I lead us to freedom by example. A second 1000 foot rope to pull taut.   I’m so glad I have redpill. Porting the same tactics over from relationships/sex to this aspect seems to be the way to go.   Phase 2: As time has progressed we've entered a new phase where she will be bitchy, try to start fights etc. She will want to critique every conversation I have with people: "you shouldn't have said that" her hypergamy and solipsism are in overdrive.   Regardless of the fighting and general bitchiness, if I stay cocky- funny, STFU etc, she still fucks me. (you mean this redpill shit works? who knew?)   I also realize that I suck at comfort tests. Maybe it's the fact that with my increased TRT protocol I am at numbers approaching 8-900, or that I am just an autistic angry Rambo fuck, but I just tend to treat everything as a shit test (her comfort tests are shitty, so I have treated them as shit so far)   She is feeling the dread and losing her shit on a regular basis. Two days ago she sits me down and asks if I have been 100% faithful. My responses: "Why would you ask that?" followed by "If I decide to move on you'll be the first to know."   Then she asks if I have been looking at porn. (nope. porn is weak-ass shit for betas) answer laughing: "no, why?"   Now porn is a doubly big thing in the Mormon church. They are fucking obsessed with it. Mormon wives are taught that porn use is cheating and women are taught that bikinis and even bare shoulders can be considered porn. I shit you not.   They recently released 70 anti-porn videos in one day. They have support groups for the men who are "addicted" to porn (because no woman has ever looked at porn) and support groups for their frigid wives to bitch about their husbands who are addicted to porn. They create all sorts of shame which feed the beta male cycle. Gotta keep people sick so they stay in the hospital.   She then pulls up my instagram account where I have exactly zero posts, 3 followers including her, and follow about 20 gun companies and 3-4 weightlifting tips accounts.   Among all those is some gal in another state who posts pictures of kickass guns but also is gasp wearing a low cut top and even has some BIKINI PICTURES on her instagram. I honestly don't even recall following her and would laughingly own it if I did. It's a fucking nothing burger.   She gets one straight courtesy answer of No and then its right to asshole mode as she won't fucking let it go. "She's pretty hot babe, do you think she would let me shoot her suppressed m4?"   Cue snot and tears. I hug her but STFU.   Next morning I am trying to leave and she pulls me down onto the bed and makes me late for work. The whole time we are fucking she can't stop talking about how much she would like to watch me with another girl. (standard DEVI threesome fantasy that gets her going)   Outside the bedroom though its back to the shit tests about this girl and bitchiness. Shit test after shit test about this person I've never met over the last couple of days. She can't take the joke when I fire back a witty remark every time. Gets pissed. Cries. Not my problem.   Her hamster is in overdrive. She wants total access to my phone and location. She wants to read all my fucking texts and deconstruct everything I say to other people and tell me what is and isn't appropriate. She rants that she is a prisoner because I haven't let her run the finances for the last 2 years and I have my own account. (she fucked up the finances for 17 years and I make the household money, her money from her job is hers to spend. Deal with it) Telling me she will never have sex with me (ignore what she says and just keep initiating and fucking her when I want to fuck)   She told me yesterday that she feels like she is showing up to work every day not knowing if she has a job or not... (good. dread is working)   I'm reasonably sure this is a multi-day main event.   Yesterday we were working in the yard and after some initial shit tests she became a bit reasonable and we started having a good conversation until a neighbor walked over and I talked to him. As he walked away within earshot she starts tearing apart my conversation and telling me what I should and shouldn't have said.   It's getting dark anyway so I let her rant while I STFU and pick up the tools and head in without saying a word. She can't let it go and follows me around the house trying to start shit. I calmly inform her that I'm not going to have my conversations Monday morning quarterbacked.   She can't let it go. Alternating between yelling and crying and the same old tropes about how bad I treat her and the instagram chick and how she is a prisoner. Fuck if these are comfort tests she ain't gonna get any comfort from me by being a bitch.   I hop in the shower and she keeps opening the shower door. I am trying not to lose it and playfully splash water on her a few times until she follows me into the shower fully clothed. Still yelling.   Now I have a weakness. She knows it too. Not only that, she actively uses it against me. I suppose i should thank her for making me stronger. I've had it since childhood and I probably need therapy. I can't stand being cornered. It's like claustrophobia but only with people cornering me and straight fight or flight response.   So here I am naked, cornered and wanting nothing more than to go berserker and kill every living thing I can touch. I finally raise my voice and tell her to FUCK OFF. She can't stand profanity. I'm not allowed to use it around her and especially at her but she needs the verbal punch in the face.   I get out and dry off and just try to STFU the rest of the night.   Again, pre-redpill a curse word would have put me in the penalty box for a few days at least.   Nope. Last night she fucked me good, came hard and I pushed some boundaries/took what I wanted.   It's making my head spin to see it all in action.   If I analyze it I think where I miss the mark is I'm still a drunk captain when it comes to overall vision. She has asked what I want a couple of times and I am so fucking autistic/ blue pill conditioned I can't articulate what I want her to be without worrying about how I sound. I still give too many fucks. I want to be ready to lay out a vision for our relationship and what she should be to me once we hit the snot bubbles and reconciliation here. Any pro tips on how to explain to her once she starts communicating overtly exactly how you expect her to be and act?   I need to work on that. submitted by /u/alphasixfour [link] [comments] * This article was originally published here

http://livehookups.blogspot.com/2019/07/fr-update-on-main-events-and-how-far-i.html

#SEO #Local SEO training July 13 #2019 at 06:12PM

[maineomac-blog]

Paying off my sins and I still gotta pay for your ex’s as well?

This is a problem that I come across on a regular basis now that I’m in my 30’s but had been a regular theme for some time now. You get into a situation with a woman and you think everything is all good only to find out that you’ve started at minus 10 before you’ve even started. Now that could be for a variation of reasons which could be “my ex was a cheater” or “baby mama? I’m not about that life”. In my case ladies and gentlemen it happened to be “my ex took advantage of my kindness”. Now one of the best things about me is that I know who I am and I’m pretty much up front about it. I can be an asshole when disinterested or when I don’t see an end result and I’ll never shy away from that (apparently it’s a gemini trait) but at least I’m upfront and honest because I have knowledge of self. There’s very few times in my life (1 or 2) where I’ve met someone and I’ve infatuated from the jump off. I get bored easily and need stimulating mentally, emotionally and sexually. The most important one of those three for men is the emotion part because it’s the hardest one of the three to stimulate. You can have a sexy, intellectual woman which in most people’s eyes would seem like a deal breaker…you’re wrong! When a female taps into that final frontier…good gravy (can’t find the words to describe). When all these three are stimulated at the same time it’s both a rare and amazing feeling. This is where guys get caught up in emotions they never knew they had so as a result guys struggle to regulate these emotions because they’ve never felt it before. Have you ever seen someone get angry that is not that way inclined before? My advice…kick back and watch the fireworks. Now…back to the issue at hand. So I’m in a situation where a woman has tapped into the holy trinity ( it’s my post and I call it what I want) and everything is seemingly perfect, a few minor warning signs (don’t ignore them but don’t let it manifest) but nothing to get your nipples in a twist over. I mean I’m thinking about the future, displaying PDA, clearing my damn schedule (as Q-Tip would say “make my plans and you always in it”). Sounds amazing right? Well of course it does but with all that being said, here’s the kicker! I’m paying off others nigga’s debts out here! I’m talking student loans up in this bitch (and no I didn’t mean to say bit cheaper mr auto correct). Now I’m a person that likes to deal with most things head on and if I have an issue I cut out the middle man and go to the source (shout out frank lucas) but I have to get it into my head that not everyone is like me and therefore do not deal with issues the way I do which is an extremely frustrating thing to have to come to terms with but cool innit. As mentioned before her problem was “my ex took advantage of my kindness”. Now I’m a person whether you come into my life with a reputation or not start from zero, I make no exceptions! Again this is an issue when the person you’re with not only doesn’t share the same value but is in total denial about it. So there were a few occasions where we had gone out and she paid for things which she decided to do herself. One example was when we went to the cinema, she turned up at the wrong cinema but paid for the tickets before I got there. So I’m like cool I wanted to pay but I got you next time. Another one was when we went on a picnic (that’s right muh'fucker, a picnic) and before I got to her place she had already bought all the stuff offered to giver her some money for it which she declined…cool. Now all these things adding together with the “my ex took advantage of my weakness” has cooked up one hell of a stew and not just any stew, the ones where it’s been cooking the whole day on low heat. So I noticed a total U-turn in her attitude towards the end and I mean a total 360. She weren’t showing no PDA, no talking, no sex, no jokes…nada! The next day I get a long ass message saying that she’s calling things off because basically (and won’t bore you with the details) “my ex took advantage of my kindness”. Once again I like to deal with issues directly, none of this WhatsApp malarkey I’d prefer face to face but I understand we all live busy lives for a phone conversation would suffice. Not in this day and age unfortunately which doesn’t bode well for my generation and more so for future generations if that’s how things get sorted. I think the day I found out twitter beef was a thing was the day I was like fuck this I’m out ctrl + alt + del *throws laptop out of the window*. So in the end we ended up parting ways because “my ex took advantage of my kindness”.

I probably saved some money on therapy there.

#story #funny #truth #dating #relationship