findingmyself08

[findingmyself08]

One of the reasons I love my best friend is because he always asks. "Have you eaten today? Have you drank water?" I have a difficulty eating, not a disorder per say, I just find it hard to desire to eat and / or drink which he knows.

He's really the only one who picks up enough, when I say "I'm not hungry." He understands it is more than that. I think there have been a few times where he's sat at the table with more for more than an hour; just sitting. Patiently waiting for me to eat.

He's always been one of those people who tries to encourage. I know people who are like, "Eat right now, or I'm going to shove this food down your throat." Do they not realize how traumatizing that is to the person hearing it? It doesn't feel good. This is coming from a person whose heard it hundreds of times over.

It messes you up, and it makes you think. "Oh my god, if I don't eat this one meal, people are going to think something is wrong with me." It is just all out disturbing to me that people have gotten me to a point where I feel like that.

Nate through all of that, has remained patient... Understanding. Sometimes I find myself looking towards the heavens and whispering the prayer of. "Why can't everyone be like him?" I just wish everyone had the time of day he does. To sit with a teenage girl, waiting for her to eat and giving her gentle reminders that her body needs nutrience.

Why isn't everyone like him? I guess I'll just keep wondering.

#deep thoughts #shitpost #jae rambles #my best friend #inside my mind #practice post #rambles #i miss him #tw eating issues

[findingmyself08]

Arguments With My Best Friend, PT.1

"Sooo... Moth."

"I told you - ten million times, do not call me moth."

"B-But, you're cute... Just like a moth."

"Y'know, you're pretty cute, and I am still able to refrain from calling you a moth. Moths do have their downsides, you know?"

"Yeah - they, they're stupid and they think random lights are the sun and they commit suicide!"

"...Yeah, you could put it less violently if you decided to."

"Fine, ahem, when moths fly, they see random lights which they believe to be the sun and therefore they fly into them, frying themselves alive!"

"...Nope, nu-uh... That was just as violent as the first time you said it."

"Uh... Well, if you're not a moth then I am!"

"Why?!"

"Remember, moths see lights thinking they are the sun and then... Fly into them."

"Yeah, think about it, that applies to you."

"Well, I do try to kill myself but not by frying myself alive on a light bulb."

"I didn't mean literally!"

"Oh..."

"Think about what you said, just think about it..."

***Thinks about it***

"I hate you."

"Hey, hey now, you're the one who said it first! I'm just repeating what you said!"

#lol #my best friend #funny stuff #shitpost #jae rambles

[findingmyself08]

.don't say goodbye.

i pray to god you won't say goodbye tonight

you won't ever again think about taking your life

it's hard, you're right

yet all of us find our purpose in time

if you can't hear the words i'm screaming, i'll just scream them louder

you're gonna see tomorrow, i'm gonna tell you about tomorrow

we've all got our doubts, i've got mine, i swear

because the memories of you, they're absolutely killing me

i don't know if you'd know

since you're sitting in heaven with a halo

i miss you so

you're not here in my arms though

please, please - i just, i dearly wish you'd realized that it wasn't your time to go

without out you i'm half of my whole

i'm sitting in this black hole which i call "home"

if there's a tomorrow, without you i'm wondering if i'll ever see it

losing you was the last thing i needed

i'm crying in the driveway, your death smoked my heart into flames

why you're not here today ?

heaven only knows the answers

yet losing yourself wasn't an okay answer

i want you to know that i still love you so

your legacy will remain alive with me

maybe the angels will whisper into your ears the pain i feel

send down any sign, tell me and my heart you're alright

i love you, i do

one day you'll see me in heaven

too.

[this is a poem to my best friend's family, who recently experienced the loss of their youngest daughter's best friend. she was about thirteen, i've got no idea of his age. this is a prayer and a source of mourning for the passed boy's family as well as my best friend's family. both of them are going through some extreme loss right now and are in desperate need of prayers. r.i.p to the beautiful soul of a boy we lost this weekend. may god bless and bestow peace upon both of the suffering families. giving them comfort that one day they will finally see this beautiful boy in heaven once again.]

#poemblr #poems #poems and poetry #poetry #sad poem #poems on tumblr #spotify #deep thoughts #jxdn #sad #song lyrics #gone but not forgotten #prayers #tell me about tomorrow #Spotify

[findingmyself08]

"Would you like your sprite in a sippy cup? So you can stop choking?" - Nate (My Best Friend)

#shitpost #jae rambles #random post #random stuff #quotes #funny stuff

[findingmyself08]

One of my favorite things I've been told: "One day we're both gonna have kids and..." "WAIT WHAT?!" "...No, no! NO! Not together, we are not having kids together! We are having different kids with separate spouses!"

#shitpost #my best friend #lol

[findingmyself08]

.question for a fanfiction.

Hey y'all ! Sorry you haven't seen me around too much lately, I've been overwhelmed by schoolwork and I just got home from a weekend at Camp Arrowhead; so I'm exhausted, as one might be.

However, at this current moment, I do have two fanfictions I'm preparing. One in the final process of editing and the other in the process of still being written. So y'all should be prepared to be seeing those very soon !

Now, one last question, do y'all think I should write a fanfiction based on "Tell Me About Tomorrow." By Jxdn? Let me know in the comments !

#jae rambles #just chatting #shitpost #random stuff #questions

[findingmyself08]

.fanfiction preview.

  Kelly raised his arm into the air, creating a large motion as Jaden inched by you, his sweaty hand squeezing yours. “JADEN HOSSLER, GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!” He yells at the top of his lungs, Jaden breezed onto the stage and jumped on top of one of the larger speakers– his calloused hands reaching down to touch the awaiting, grasping hands of the girls below. Kells keeps a firm grip on Jaden’s belt loop, ensuring Jaden keeps his rigid footing on the speaker. 

#fic preview #paragraph #mgk fanfic #colson baker #jaden hossler #jxdn #y/n

[findingmyself08]

.i loved you.

it all began because i loved you-- because i thought, i'm sorry, i knew you were a precious soul with this heart of gold.

i loved you because on those mornings i was so tired, you lent me your shoulder to lean on but i was so exhausted i fell asleep-- after that you still loved me. in fact, funny enough so, you said it was cute i could fall asleep into your warmth so easily.

it's not really all that cute but i just won't understand what my semi-obsession is, the time you lent me your water bottle because mine got locked inside a car. i swear, you lending me your water bottle was never that cute of a thing-- but something of thankfulness to your caring shot through me.

also there was a time where practically every twenty minutes where you reminded me to hydrate... i guess at the time, i found it annoying at times because i'm a big girl and i can take care of myself. i'm still all too thankful for those moments you said, "take a drink, so you don't throw up, love."

oh yeah, and there was the time directly after i passed out-- denied my sickness and gone back to work. i was stupid then, i'm probably just as stupid now, if i'm being honest and you know it. anyways, i guess you saw me shaking and... came up to me, all concerned-- "how many fingers am i holding up?" i didn't tell you at the time because i was so close to blacking out, i basically couldn't see -- i guessed two, you later told me it was five.

you encouraged me to drink in the moment, so i didn't collapse but believe it or not, i was too shaky to even unscrew the top of your water bottle-- do you remember what happened ? you did it for me, gently holding the bottle to my lips, so i could drink and i remember looking at you with teary eyes.

there was the time i almost threw up on your favorite shoes, and believe me-- that was not the most pleasant moment but you being there made it less humiliating. i warned you that i wasn't feeling well and it only took one look into my teary eyes before you reached to grasp my sweaty hand-- and hurriedly ran me up to the gravel sidewalk. "even breaths, in and out." you had whispered as i started crying - you rubbed my back; swiftly leading me through the halls and to the bathroom. i felt something coming up my throat and my eyes widened-- i'm fairly certain you realized i was about to vomit on your shoes but when i left the bathroom, relieved of my burden... there you were, waiting for me.

i've always hated men, i have-- they tend to be scary, abusive and toxic but you. my god, there's something different about you.

#deep thoughts #poemblr #poems #poems and poetry #poetry #sad poem #poems on tumblr #long poem #talking #i miss him #i love you #memories

[findingmyself08]

.fuck me, i'm a rockstar. pt.2

you heard my interlude

i was never meant to be...

me

so as i walk into the bathroom, i'll always prepare for the worst

hands positioned to rest on the ceramic edge of the sink

"t-t-tell my friends i'm sorry, though."

my lips turn to a snarl and mouth back at me through broken glass

"t-t-tell my sins to go."

my head shoots away from the mirror

yet that horrifying reflection keeps snarling back at me

"where did you ever come from?"

i whisper, tears, cold tears - fill my eyes

the reflection lights a cigarette and nods their head

they disappear

i know i shouldn't yet i smash my fist full force into the glass

it shatters

pieces of glass fly, one hitting my lip

cutting it open, so blood - everywhere there's blood

i run to a different place - somewhere,

oh my god... will i ever feel safe ?

run up the stairs -

footsteps softly echo

echo

they echo

against the high walls

such a haunting sound

a red light is glowing underneath the door

do i dare to enter ?

truly, i don't know if want to enter

my demons might just come flooding out to play around -

with my weary soul

this black hole in my heart which i call home

the door opens and i'm engulfed in red light

my eyes fade to the color of the inkiest depths of night

the only belongings in the mists of the room -

are a mirror, laying on the black floor... and a baseball bat

my slim fingers feel the cool metal of the baseball bat

i pick it up hesitantly and my heart begins pounding aggressively

i slam it to the mirror and bloody spots begin to freckle my jeans -

i scream out for something, anything and collapse to my knees

'save me'

bloody prints of fingers appear on the window

my demons creep to say 'hello'

i look to my finger-tips, covered by crimson blood

i'm screaming and running for my life, tripping down the stairs

panting like death has a choke hold around my neck

"fuck me, i'm a rockstar."

the sirens glow outside my window and there's a white line on the coffee table

i'm not insane

pieces of glass stuck in my face, the light falls dim

i die within

"fuck me."

#deep thoughts #poemblr #poems #poems and poetry #poetry #sad poem #poems on tumblr #spotify #i think i'm broken #jxdn #jaden hossler #angels & demons #Spotify

[findingmyself08]

.bloody lips.

bloody lips, the lips you once kissed

lookin' in the mirror, i fucking hate it

blood drips from broken teeth, tinting my lips dark red

yet i'll just stare into space

i didn't want to wake up today to the ecstasy inside me

now i'm standing of the broken bathroom mirror

i'm crying

-because as the demons are screaming, my nose starts bleeding

i'm not scared

or maybe i am

i am afraid... of the demons

causing the blood to course down my face

i'm - i'm... insane

crimson stains the sink bowl

oh god, where'd all our past loving go ?

i'm so fucked up -

broken teeth, blood stained gums

glassy eyes, bruised and burned thighs

lips smeared with blood and nose broken from a punch

yet society stupidly says "you're fucked up enough to never be deserving of love."

so that leaves me more messed up

flip my middle finger up, flying my black flag -

just like a punk

mouth words in the mirror "t-tell my friends i'm sorry though -"

my lips snarl back at me angrily

"tell my sins to go."

step back, afraid

bloody lips might kill me

#deep thoughts #poemblr #poems #poetry #poems and poetry #sad poem #shitpost #poems on tumblr #poetic #poet #falling #writing community

[findingmyself08]

.green eyes.

i admit i'm jealous i saw you with a different guy last night

your perfect face turned sour underneath the neon lights

those stinging green eyes which ruined me inside

i'll never be sorry for anything i ever did

i'll never be sorry that i was the only reason you had a kid

i'm a demon cloaked in the night with blue eyes

you're always an angel, sitting there in the white - innocent green eyes

you lied to my face, caused my anxiousness years to wait -

swore after that fateful night i'd never again see you in la

yet i did and it seems you're here to stay

#deep thoughts #poemblr #poems #poems and poetry #poetry #sad poem #shitpost #poems on tumblr #colson baker #spotify #song lyrics #falling

[findingmyself08]

.rehab for sobriety.

it is hard to smile, possibly

i sometimes wonder if that's because i've faked for so long

i do not smile because i'm happy, i never have been

i smile because of the alcohol in my system

i smile because there's never anyone to listen to the way i sing through my pain

suffer through my sobriety

when you're backstage, all alone in the dark - you feel drained

you don't truly feel as if you're alive, you're breathing -

i made the choice to return to rehab for my sobriety

through that, i lost a part of me

#deep thoughts #poemblr #poems #poems and poetry #sad poem #poetry #shitpost #poems on tumblr #colson baker #falling #poetic #poet

[findingmyself08]

.crack my skull against concrete.

i wanna -

crack my skull against concrete

so hard, a brain concussion shall be the death of me

imma die smiling

imma change the world at twenty-one

unless i -

crack my skull against concrete

imma sing "every night finishes the death of me."

i'll be here -

in an abandoned feeling, screaming -

singing -

feeling out every one of my own feelings -

handcuff me, everyone leaves me

forever healing these scars on my thighs -

crack my skull open

my brains spill all over

whoever finds me, saw nothing but horror

-I'M SUCH A LOSER

my heart has been run over by cars -

so handcuff me against this bed in the psychiatric ward

just like i specifically asked you for

but never leave my side, especially at night -

when all my demons come out to play games

one night, one day - sometime

i'll return to the abandoned building to scream out my feelings

into a microphone

"I DUG THIS GRAVE - FOR US!"

there's a gravesite waiting outside -

in the fading sunlight

you're buried six feet underneath yet i'm still above ground

dying

the concrete slab in the corner of the room is calling my name

throw my microphone through the glass window

put a cigarette to my lips, clouds of smoke -

hopefully, i'll just choke before i smash my skull on concrete

i'm slamming my electric guitar to the floor -

black wooden pieces shatter

nothing really matters

i was too lame as fuck - to go out on a trip with you

so all i've wanted all my fuckin' life was you to be by my side

so here, we go -

three

two

one

i should just die

crack my skull...

now there's blood seeping.

#deep thoughts #poems #poemblr #poetry #sad poem #poems and poetry #shitpost #poems on tumblr #jxdn #jaden hossler #crack my skull #long poem #relatable

[findingmyself08]

.february 14th killed a part of me.

on february 14th holding a dying body in his arms.  

he sold tickets to his own downfall. 

friends screaming in the front rows of his shows. 

pink tickets lined with black scripting. 

‘i’m selling tickets to my downfall.’ 

please, would you mind telling me if you recall a moment in your life when you felt alright. 

precious moment somewhere in time. 

when he didn’t hold his mother, not by blood - 

that’s how much he truly loved her. 

watching her die in his own arms. 

heaven’s breath is breathing slowly against his neck. 

its futile wishes brought into his shattered life. 

his fall - my god, his fall. 

if only you knew, the fucking pain he went through.

he fell straight out of heaven with a cigarette between his lips. 

when his world is always cloudy with depression. 

the scars which line his back made him learn his lesson. 

he’s still talking complete shit - 

god, won’t you end this ?

‘tickets to my downfall’ 

fall into the front row

screaming into a microphone 

nose bleeding all over a white dress shirt 

goddamn, yeah this hurts. 

 lights in his eyes at eleven at night. 

never get to sleep. 

the high from these drugs will be what kills him.

#deep thoughts #poemblr #poems #poems and poetry #poetry #sad poem #shitpost #poems on tumblr #falling #more poetry

[findingmyself08]

.happiness is an illusion in the mirror.

he knows that happiness is a simple lie in the mirror - 

the lies of life leave him wanting to disappear. 

a baggy pink sweater, a thin leather belt. 

thin, perfect. 

not really - 

he’s been starving himself for years. 

through hundreds of waves of cold tears. 

now he looks the way he is - 

he’ll  never forget all the pain and regret he felt when starving himself. 

looking in the mirror - 

so thin as fuck. 

 pink, curly hair like a fuckin’ punk. 

on his desk are orange bottles filled to the brim with pure pressure. 

 on his dresser is a glistening gun that’s always resting there. 

he keeps staring in the mirror -

as if he does so long enough, he’ll disappear. 

if life could be the slightest bit clearer. 

he thinks silently to himself. 

the faint silhouette of an angel halo. 

it isn’t really there, is it ?

#deep thoughts #poemblr #poems #poems and poetry #poetry #sad poem #shitpost #poems on tumblr #falling #poetic

[findingmyself08]

#tumblr polls #polls

[findingmyself08]

.the visage of life.

he’s a fallen angel on the wall. 

he has black devil horns. 

bright pink hair. 

life betrayed him - 

since it could. 

god looked him dead into his eyes.

“i never wanted you. fend for yourself - you’re going straight to hell.” 

so he’s here, getting high as fuck. 

lighting up a fresh blunt. 

performing hardcore rap on a stage. 

a fake visage hiding his real face.  

fans constantly approach him and ask.  

“is it always play pretend ? does the pain ever end ?” 

he sadly shakes his head, brings them close.

whispers in the lowest. 

“i hate to say it but this is never a real smile, you’ll always face pain. always want to run away.” 

the fans always look completely broken. 

their hearts are stolen. 

#poem of the day #poems on tumblr #deep thoughts #poemblr #poems #poems and poetry #poetry #sad poem #shitpost #poems on life #poems and quotes #poetic #poet #original poem