indiravensworld

[indiravensworld]

Did I just never mean anything to you? Nothing at all? All the times that you would come to me with your darkest feelings - what the hell was that? I’ve prayed and prayed to get over you and sometimes I think I finally have, but then sometimes like tonight when I’m all alone and in my head all I can think of is you. Was it all just in my head? All of the deep conversations where we talked about our demons - did it ever mean anything or was I just someone else to help you fill your own void. I want to get over you. I want to get over you how you so blatantly got over me, if you ever even had feelings about me in the first place. I try to put on this perfect face, I try to be the girl that everyone wants me to be - but sometimes it’s all just bullshit and I thought you were the only one that saw that. So tonight I’ll say another prayer, knowing damn well that there are bigger things going on in the world and things that clearly, so desperately need the Lord’s attention more than whatever I felt for you. But like we talked about, I’m stubborn, so I’ll keep praying until I finally have peace - until I finally get over you as easily as you got over me.

#healingjourney #poetry #words #you are worthy #getting better #unrequited love #this is cringy #lol #but damn #it huuuurts

[indiravensworld]

Journal Entry: 11/1/22

When, at what point do I hold myself accountable? When does having a life (education, work, relationships) the things that everyone around me have - why does it look so easy for them? Why can’t that be me? What do others think of me? Am I ever going to get out of this mess? Am I ever going to get out of this rut? What will my life look like when it begins? Has it already begun? I feel like I am stuck in an old black-and-white movie scene, never moving forward. Stuck in slow motion while my friends are going full speed in bright colors. When is it my time to see the light in life? When is it my time to see the color?

Why does the future scare me so much?? Every time something feels good, like I take one step forward, life moves the track three steps back and suddenly I’m behind again. Keep walking is the answer I guess, and maybe one day my steps will become bigger strides and life will keep going. It will never stop moving the track though - I know that, that’s just life. I know to tell myself that the finish line is not the goal, but the journey and progress along the way. Sometimes telling myself that helps, but the second someone from my past (someone who knew the old me. The me that was “perfect” to their standards. The little girl me who had a light in her eyes and in her heart. The little girl who grew up always saying yes, always obeying, always hiding her pain to be perfect in order to obtain their validation and therefore her own safety and peace of mind) asks me, “so what are you doing now?” I want to shrivel up in my bed and cry. I become numb with emotions. Numb with grief. Grief for my old self that everyone had the highest hopes and expectations for. I don’t want them to know what a failure I have become - I don’t want them to know how much of myself I’ve lost. How much of my old self is gone and I can’t get it back. I try like hell, but I can’t get back the light that was once in me. I don’t know where it went, and the most frustrating part is I don’t know why it even left in the first place. Knowing all of that makes me want to crawl under a rock - anywhere all alone where solitude is the only thing that can bring me a resemblance of comfort. Anywhere where no one can see me at my weakest point….that’s when the little girl in my heart screams the loudest.

I’ve given that little girl a name though- Raven. My therapist told me that if we named her, maybe we can understand her more. I named her Raven after a character in a show called The 100. In that show, it seemed like everything that could ever possibly happen to crush someone, happened to her. Every day, every episode, something horrible was thrown at her. But she always handled it, always pushed back, always stood her ground. It hurt her, and there were times when she was shoved so far down that the TV screen literally turned black. But then there she was bursting forth in glorious color. It wasn’t always pretty, and it sure as hell wasn’t always bright, but damn it was vivid. And there was color.

So it seemed kind of fitting that my little girls name - The little girl in an all black silhouette sitting in a cage, a little birdcage in my heart, in my subconscious - ends up getting the name of Raven. But the hope is that this raven will not stay in her cage crouched down and screaming. She will learn to stand. To not be scared. To be brave and bold enough to break through and break free. To fly. One day my raven will fly…

That’s the hope at least. We’ll see how it goes, but we will not give up. We will not give up on her. She deserves to be free.

#dear diary #journal entry #healingjourney #poetry #words #self healing #self love #ravens #origin story #hope this helps #you are worthy #you are loved #you are not a failure #you are not alone

[indiravensworld]

A little note for anyone who don’t necessarily feel warm and fuzzy during the holidays. You matter, your life and your love have worth, and you always have someone in your corner - even if you don’t know who they are, you’re never alone.

#breath #self help #tips #read #music #write #words #advice #escape #holidays #feel safe #you are worthy #writing #poetry #thanksgiving #christmas

[indiravensworld]

#words #poetry #strong #healingjourney #beautiful #mountains #newday #mental health

[indiravensworld]

so close to breaking, but yet still so far from being broken.

#words #growing #online journal #poetry #progression #breaking point #healingjourney #you are loved #you are worthy #dontgiveup

[indiravensworld]

There'll be a moment when you realise you're 27 when yesterday you were just 17; and you wouldn't be able to tell how a decade passed away and your life got divided into before and afters. The fury of youth will subdue and nothing will really change but everything will feel different when you look at old photographs and blurry videos taken on cheap mobile phones. Scents will remind you of childhood and certain friends you don't talk to anymore, hangouts will become reunions and mom's burnt pie will become the best food you ever had. And I know on some days you won't be able to show anything of those 10 years but I hope you remember to breathe, and let go of the knot in your chest. I hope you go out in the sun and live a little, because tomorrow is 37.

Edit- I added the visualizer for this piece on my YT, check it out here

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The Flesh I Burned