lunaxstella

[lunaxstella]

The reason I love to write

People who know our family might think my mom influenced me to write. My mom's side of the family are bookworms and achievers, so I can't really blame them if they would assume that. But the thing is, my family only knew that I wrote stories and poems when I told them that I had joined the journalism club back when I was in 10th grade. And I didn't even know that my mom was a big part of their campus journalism when she was in school. We don't really talk much about our interests at home. Our parents let us be us, no questions asked. Except if our safety is concerned, obviously. Everyone's busy with their lives that we have no time to catch up. We don't even have dinners together. Sad, isn't it? Well, not so much. It has its pros and cons, but the pros make it okay, I guess.

I fell in love with writing ever since I learned how to read. I love reading story books, fairy tales, and even those short stories you find in educational books. I even finished reading a children's bible from cover to cover in less than a week. I was at awe in how emotions can be expressed through words. At how you can hide real life emotions through fantasy.

I loved it more as I grew up because I learned that through writing, I can create my own world. I can make my protagonists less lonely. I can make everyone understand where she's coming from. I can make them understand me without anyone knowing it's me.

Yes, writing became my escape. I had no one to confide in, so I depended on myself. I am the eldest daughter. I was taught to be selfless and to always be the bigger person. To always understand where everyone is coming from. I had no friends. And even when I found them, I can't really tell them everything that's going on in this messy brain of mine because not everyone understands. But with writing, I can be selfish. I can be angry. I can pour out all that's in my head. No judgments, no expectations. It's just me and the words spilling through the tip of my pen.

And boy, was I delighted when I learned about poems. With symbols and metaphors, I can now share what I feel in just a matter of seconds, and no one can tell what I truly mean. Like how every one of my poems is actually me calling for help. I was screaming for help because I can't take it anymore. I only made them sound hopeful, so that those who have read them can at least have the hope that I don't possess.

You see, I've been battling depression for as long as I can remember. It already took my whole life away from me. It's as if, it has attached to my shadows the day I became aware of this world. If it wasn't for my medication, I don't know where I would be at today. And yet, I'm still having a hard time fighting the voices with my family and professional help around me.

Just recently, I realized that I've been fooling myself. I thought that I was being my authentic self around everyone, when in fact I was actually pretending to be this girl who already figured herself. She's so self-aware, that she thinks she can handle her emotions well. Smiling and acting as if she doesn't feel numb inside. It's all bullshit.

I'm still that same girl years ago. Crying herself to sleep, wondering why she feels nothing when all she wants is to feel genuine happiness. Only now, the tears have stopped falling. And she's been wearing this life-is-awful-but-let's-just-laugh-it-off mask whenever someone comes up to greet her. Only to return to that girl who feels nothing at all when they leave.

The irony. I used to say that I'm done with the "Fake it until you make it" mantra, yet here I am. Still doing it unknowingly.

I don't know what to believe in anymore. I know that I'm genuine with the feelings I've been showing to everyone, but still. Deep inside, it's all void. Nothing. I feel nothing. It's cold in here.

Well, someone tried to heat it up. But he left as well. He feels the same thing as I do. I was just more courageous to try and thaw my heart by risking it on him. Maybe it's a good thing he left? I don't know. I understand him anyway. I love him but what can my love do if he doesn't want it at all? It's just a matter of time that I had to be woken up from that daydream. It's sweet and warm, but I was all alone and cold inside.

Right now, this is the last thing that I'll ever write here. I'm taking a break from myself and everyone's expectation of me. I've been swimming against the current for years. It's time to swim with it for now.

If you're reading this, I pray that everything you've been praying and hoping for will fall into place in the right time. As always, don't forget to drink your agua. This is Luna signing off.

#personal blog #personal #blog #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #write

[lunaxstella]

if i ever marry someone in the future, i want someone like my dad. and it's funny because i used to think that i don't want to marry anyone like him because he doesn't take my mom on dates unless we insinuate. he doesn't give my mom gifts unless we give him an earful of it. he doesn't initiate romantic stuffs and is kinda lazy at house chores.

but now that i'm getting older, i realized that i don't need those trivial cliches. i don't need flowers on valentine's day. i don't need dates on high-end restaurants. i don't need a perfect man.

i need someone like my dad who didn't give up on my mom even when the world was trying to set them apart. i want someone like my dad who stayed with my mom even when his family was against her. i want someone like my dad who is able to handle my mom despite her tough personality. i want someone like my dad who decided to grow for my mom even if it took him years.

i want a love like they have. even though i see them get into arguments a lot, at the end my dad would try to woe my mom. and even though he gets mad, at the end he would always look for my mom. and after work, even if he's tired, he would always be beside my mom listening to all her stories about her work (even though he ends up falling asleep everytime).

i always tease them about how weird they are, but i actually want that too. their love story isn't ideal but life isn't a movie/book anyway. they're just two people who have each other's back through thick and thin.

—

two blogs in a day, will you look at that? don't forget to drink your aguas.

#blog #personal blog #personal #unconditional love #love #love story #i want what they have #mom and dad #sweet #corny #weird but cute #don't give up

[lunaxstella]

apathy has been my friend ever since that day when the pain was too much to handle. apathy means feeling empty, and yet i feel as if i'm drowning in millions of emotions. floating, staring blankly in the void, and everything is but a faint voice in my head.

"you are nothing", "you are worthless", "you don't deserve the happiness you have right now", "you deserve the suffering", "you deserve to die", "no one likes you", "they're just faking it", "you're a disappointment", "you don't really think they love you, do you?", "hanggang kailan ka magiging ganyan?", "ang bobo mo", "hindi ka ba napapagod na paulit-ulit na lang lahat?", "tumigil ka na, itigil mo na yan", "bakit ba lumalaban ka pa din?", "wala ka ng patutunguhan"

...

the voices, although faint, echoes in my soul. and i'm getting wary.

but still, when i face other people i try to brush the voices away and i smile like everything's okay. especially to my parents who have been trying to help me get back up again. i can't show them the voices. i want you all to know that everything's okay. everything will be okay.

i need myself to know that everything will be okay. the voices will forever be just voices. but i will be okay. i need to be okay. i need to...

#personal blog #personal #blog #apathy #apathetic #feels #wary #august #when will this end

[lunaxstella]

Hi. It's been weeks since my last update. I got busy with my finals and some family stuff. And yeah, my headspace wasn't in its proper state. Until now actually. It got worst. But anyway, I'm not here to talk about what I'm going through at the moment. I'm here to talk about this one memory that kept popping up in my head since last night.

Back when I was in 10th grade, I used to join random school contests just to get my butt out of class. I got tired of the same old routine and I wanted to stir things up a bit before I graduate. As a goody-two-shoes who just quietly sits in class her whole high school life and just joins group contests because of her stage fright, it's revolting. Not the usual high school story where you drink and smoke. I don't care. It was different and I was happy.

So then, it was Buwan ng Wika and there was this short story writing contest. I think it was called daglian but I don't know. I forgot, I just know that it's short-short, hahaha. And as our adviser is a Filipino teacher, she encouraged us to join the contests for that month. I encouraged some of my friends to join me in order to be excused from class, hahaha! See, I'm a bad influence on small things.

To be honest, I wasn't prepared at all when I joined that one. I just wanted to get out of class. I wasn't expecting to win. Just being there to write a story and share it with the judges was enough for me because, well...I love writing. And who would've thought? I wasn't the only one, of course. One of my friends was sitting at a table with me, and she wasn't sure what she'll write. We were only given about an hour or so to finish our stories. So, I told her to write something she experienced herself. Something that she knows everyone can relate to. You don't have to think of names. Just write it in a first-person POV. Like you're talking to your readers. Because that's the most important part of writing something, you have to communicate with your readers as if to make them feel like they're with someone else—with you. Make them feel the emotions you feel.

She thanked me after that and it made me feel happy because she was able to write something for the contest. Do you know what made me happier though? She won first place and I won second place! She immediately hugged me after we took photos and she kept on thanking me. I was so happy to see someone smile because of something I imparted.

I don't know. Is that weird? I really like helping people. I like seeing them smile. I like lifting sadness out of them. It's something innate within me. That's also why I always feel guilty when I set boundaries. It's like I did something so wrong, hahaha.

Anyway, that's all for today. See you next Wednesday! Don't forget to drink your aguas.

#blog #blogging #tagalog #filipino

[lunaxstella]

¡Hola! How are you? Is life treating you well? Are you eating and drinking water everyday? It's okay if you're not feeling your best. I haven't been feeling my best for the past weeks too. But I'm slowly trying to get up.

I made this blog six years ago because I'm such a chatterbox and this has become my outlet ever since. I know I deleted some of my blogs but I will be writing more soon. Been wanting to write some days ago, but my brain was so fuzzy from all the things I'm going through that I can't bring myself to even open my writing apps.

Posting blogs every Wednesday~ See you soon. Drink your aguas.

#blog #tagalog #personal

[lunaxstella]

lost

I am the eldest among my siblings. I was taught to be independent. By the age of 12, I was already making decisions by myself. I was already allowed to handle some adult things like budgeting money, cooking dinner and all chores. I was left alone to take care of my younger siblings. All of that, plus my school works and my developing hormones due to puberty. All the adults were busy providing for us and are only home after work. My parents became more busy with work, so I had to be the parent during day time.

And you would think that by the age of 22, I should be able to handle everything on my own like a real adult. But I can't. I'm now stuck in an unending downward spiral of depression and anxiety because I had no adult figure to run into when I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I had to figure things out on my own.

I had friends I could open up to, but only a few understood what I was saying. Like... How can a 14-year-old be that depressed, right? Hahaha, typical. I'm just glad that I didn't have to spend my last year of junior high school alone. I would've given up that year.

So, now that I'm an adult. I have a hard time dealing with my emotions because all I learned as a defense mechanism is to bottle it all up until I can't take it anymore, hence my anxiety. I'm having a hard time making decisions because everyone around me already has their lives set out in front of them and I'm stuck, hence my depression. I don't know who I can open up to because everyone is now busy building their lives. We have to pay someone who can help me deal with all these shites and I'm here afraid to tell them everything because I don't want to be that much of a mental burden when it's their job to help me but they won't be really able to help me if I don't open up. Does that make sense? Hahahaha.

I just wished that I could be as strong as my mom. I really do. I'm getting wary of all these.

#blog

[lunaxstella]

I don't hate crowds. I fear them. Every time I am caught in one, my brain goes fuzzy and my chest starts crushing. Then all of a sudden everyone around me is panicking at the sight of a person who's gasping for her life. She can't utter a sentence. She can't breathe. Every face around her is blurry. No one is familiar, nobody to grab on.

I don't hate people. I fear them. Books in my hand, cold sweats while I try my best to walk down the sidewalk. Eyes ahead, seeing everyone's stares. My brain starts shouting voices of unworthiness and judgment. My ears start ringing. And then there it is again, suddenly my knees are weak. I can't breathe. She falters her way somewhere and tries her best to calm down the voices inside. Sush, not here. Shut up. Stop.

I'm trying my best to win here. Make it stop.

#socialanxiety #anxiety #blog

[lunaxstella]

call her

the moon hides from the sun once more and she doesn't wish to be disturbed

she wants to be in her own void away from all the voices cradled like a baby hugged by her serenity

but if you need someone to hold your hand because the world can't stop spinning

if you need a shoulder you can lean on because the world won't stop moving

if you need someone's presence because no one seems to be on your side

if you need someone's lullaby because the voices won't let you sleep

if you need a hug right now because you've had enough of this world

call her; she'll try her best to be that someone, even if no one has done the same for her.

-Johanna "Luna" M.L.D. Sibayan

#poem #short poem #poetry #flash poetry #poem of the day #serenity #hermit #safe place #hug #warm hugs #writeblr #poets and writers #poets on tumblr #poemsbyme #poetscommunity #one day at a time

[lunaxstella]

PARA SA KAPATID KONG B R U H A, MULA SA ATE NIYANG M A G A N D A.

Ang gusto mo pink. Ang gusto ko blue. Simpleng pintura ng kwarto, Di tayo magkasundo. Paano girly ka, Tapos ako boyish Ang gusto natin laging magkatalo. Pero dahil ikaw ang bunso, Ang gusto mo ang masusunod. Pero ayaw ko ng pink, gusto ko blue!

Gustong-gusto mo ng chocolate, Ayaw na ayaw ko naman. Love na love mo si barbie, Pinuputol ko lang ulo niyan. Sorry, wala ka ng namana sakin Na mga plastic na manika. Pero sana 'wag mong angkinin Ang mga hilig kong stuff animals Kasi akin yun mula pagkabata. Pero dahil ikaw ang bunso, Ibigay ko na daw sayo Asa, ayoko nga. Akin lang 'to.

Sobrang magkaiba tayo nung bata. Isang bagay na ayaw ko Ay yung mga koloreteng ilinalagay nila, Habang ikaw naman Parang ayaw mo ng tanggalin sa iyong mukha

Pero kahit papaano, May pagkakaparehas tayong dalawa. Ang sabi ni nanay, Parehas daw tayong mataray Lalong lalo na nung ako ay bata, Pero kung tutuusin, mas malala ka. Pasalamat ka mahal kita.

Hindi ko na iisa-isahin pa, Ang madaming pagkakaiba't pagkakaparehas. May gusto lang naman akong sabihin, Munti kong Sisa. Oo, si Sisa talaga. SI-ssy SA-rap mong batukan.

Pag sinasaktan ka nila, Mapa-salita man o gawa, Lumapit ka sakin. Huwag ka ng magdalawang isip, loka. Sabihin mo sakin ang mga ginawa At ako na ang bahala. Siguraduhin mong hindi ikaw ang nagsimula, Baka isama pa kita sa masasakit na salita.

Pag pagod na pagod ka na At parang ayaw mo na. Lumapit ka sakin At sasampalin kita Ng mga magagaang salita Para naman ika'y magising Sa dilim na sumusubok balutin ka.

Pag pakiramdam mo Iniluwa ka na ng buong mundo. Pag pakiramdam mo Wala kang kakampi na kahit sino. Andito lang ako. Wag kang ulyanin, loka. Hindi kita iniwan o iiwanan, Pakiramdam mo lang Pero hindi. Hinding-hindi.

Andito lang ako lagi Kahit mawala pa ako ng maaga. Huwag kang praning Di pa ako namamaalam!

Basta mahal kita, babaita. Kahit di ko pinapakita. Sa simpleng mga salita, Sana'y iyong makita. Alam mo namang Hindi ko hilig ang matatamis.

Mahal kita higit pa sa aking buhay Ganoon naman ako Sa lahat ng aking minamahal. Handa kong isugal ang lahat-lahat Huwag ko lang makita na ika'y lumuluha Dahil sa hindi maipaliwanag na nadarama.

Mahal kita. At hanggang dito na lang muna Dahil wala na akong maisip Na maidagdag pa sa tula.

Sa susunod na lamang na kabanata, Kapatid kong bruha. Mula sa iyong ate Na maganda. Huwag ka ng umangal pa.

-Johanna M.L.D. Sibayan

(written in September 2017)

#for her only

[lunaxstella]

an open letter for my maknae

Hi to my only baby sister. Even though you're the ugliest person I met in my life, I'm still grateful that God gave me you. And I know you're already overreacting by now, but can you calm your flat-ass down and read this until the end because you will need it in high school.

First of, congratulations. You're about to graduate from elementary soon. And to be honest, I'm still curious how you did it when you don't even study at home. And how you make me furious just by teaching you simple stuffs. But hey, here you are and I'm proud of you. Don't you dare look at me with your fake-ass flattered expression, I might throw something at you.

The reason I made this to be an open letter because I'm pretty sure there are some teenagers out there who don't have an older sibling figure to guide them through high school. I know, because I was one of those teenager once. It's better that you get a heads-up instead of just learning through experience. Trust me, it's not 'great' like what everyone says.

I'll start with the obvious things;

1. There's nothing wrong with your physical appearance. I know that you're on that stage of your life where you feel conscious about your body. But trust me when I say that it's just your mind toying with you. You're pretty just the way you are right now. What matters most is your health. Don't conform to what society tells you to be like. Please, stop starving yourself.

2. Don't give all of your love to someone else. Save some for yourself. Even if you meet the one that's meant for you right now. Don't give all of your heart out. Guard it with all your strength. Just enjoy how it feels. But also learn how to take care of your own heart. Tend to others, but tend to yourself too. It's not easy to tend to yourself when you're broken. So, please, don't give it your all. You're still a baby.

3. Don't be pressured to follow our parents' footsteps. Or even us, your siblings. I can't speak for them, but I know that whatever happens you're doing your best. Well, maybe lessen your game time and read useful stuff some times. But all in all, don't pressure yourself. We still love you anyway. You're ugly though. Really.

4. Don't listen to people who don't matter in your life. Those who are just around to talk shit. What they say most of the time are just things they spew out of envy and just mere hatred. Know who you are.

5. Be kind. Everyone goes through things they don't say to anyone. We tell you this everyday because you tend to be too judgmental. Stop that. You know yourself that it's not easy to live in this world. If you don't like someone and you know you won't have anything nice to say, just look the other way.

6. Be mindful when you're outside. You can't trust anyone. It's okay to be kind, but don't be stupid. Remember what I always tell you.

7. What you're going through right now are all valid. You're going through puberty. It's normal. Even though I want to punch you in the face most of the time because of your bitchy attitude, it's all normal. Your body is going through changes; your hormones, your mind, your feelings, your physical body. So, just let it happen. But also don't let be your personality. You're at that time of your life where you learn how to find your own persona. Just please, don't absorb bad attitudes. I don't want no more headaches.

Well, that's all for now. You're ugly. But ate loves you. Yuck.

P.S. I wrote the first part of this letter months ago before your graduation but I didn't know what to tell you at that time. But here it is now.

#open letter

[lunaxstella]

ang tanging pangarap ko lang ay maging masaya. kasama na doon 'yong makahanap ng isang tao na makakasama ko sa hirap at ginhawa. pero tila noon pa lang pinapahiwatig na sa akin ng Diyos na hindi ito itinakda sa akin. nakakapagtaka dahil kahit gaano pa ako wasakin ng mga taong pinagkatiwalaan ko ay nagagawa ko pa ding ibalik at punuin ang puso ko. nakakaloko. nakakapagod din. nakakapagod sobra.

[lunaxstella]

me and my perfectionist ass against the world

earlier, i had a consultation with my psychiatrist and i told her that i started relapsing because i got discouraged due to the poor quality of my outputs. perfectionist kasi talaga ako. kapag di maganda 'yung gawa ko, 'di ako natutuwa. pinupunit ko or 'di ko na tinitignan ulit.

i developed this perfectionism dahil din sa expectations sa'kin. lalo na ako 'yung artistic sa pamilya. tapos 'yung mga susundan ko pa is pamilya ni mama na puro scholar at laude. and nandyan pa 'yung nanay ko na athlete, nagt-teatro, nagsusulat. lahat na kayang gawin ng nanay ko. tapos eto ako, trying to live up to them.

tuwing nakakakuha kami ng grades noon na line of 8, nasasabihan agad kami na bakit di line of 9. pag may mistakes sa quizzes kahit isa lang, nasasabihan na dapat walang mali. kaya naman eventually, i became hard on myself. kailan lang naman ako nagrebelde sa sarili ko. and it started with my way of writing. you can see it now naman. i stopped following capitalization, haha. my blog, my rules. keme, hahaha.

kaso syempre, ibang usapan pag drawings ko na. di ako komportable pag panget mga linya ko. di ako komportable pag di ko naid-drawing yung nasa isip ko. ayon, sinabi ko kay doc 'yon. sabi niya sakin na hindi daw dapat ako nags-strive for perfection kasi estudyante pa lang ako. ang isipin ko lang dapat is may maipasa akong output. kasi kung wala akong maibibigay, hindi ako maie-evaluate.

nagtawanan kami kanina kasi sabi ni doc, gawa daw ako ng parang poster tapos i-ekis ko daw 'yung perfectionism tapos lagay ko output sa baba para maalala ko na di kailangan perfect. importante may maipasa ako.

'yun lang. ciao~ drink your aguas.

#blog

[lunaxstella]

Ito na naman tayo

Andito na naman ako sa puntong 'to Kung saan napakabagal ng mundo ko. Isang minuto ay isang taon, Isang taon ay parang kahapon.

Mga alaalang gusto ko ng itapon Isa-isa itong nagtitipon-tipon Gustuhin ko mang makaahon Wala na akong magawa tungkol d'on.

Kahit di ko gustuhin Sasariwain lahat ng tamis Pati na din lahat ng sakit. Kung bakit mas madami ang pait Kaysa sa sarap ng hagikgik Ay gustong-gusto kong tanungin Kahit alam kong walang makukuhang balik-sabi.

Ang isiping ito'y hindi mawaglit. Kahit lamang na sa isang sandali. Mas lalo lamang tumitriple ang hapdi Sa paghahanap ng sagot Kung paano maaalis Ang kirot sa dibdib. Kaya ako na lang ay tatahimik At hahayaang matapos ang gabi Ng may luha sa aking tabi.

Ito na naman yung puntong Ang araw ay kay dilim At sa gabi'y humihiling. Ang araw na kay sakim At ang buwan na ginigiliw.

Ito na naman tayo, Buwan na siyang katukayo, At araw na aking katalo. Ito na naman, Ang araw na pinipilit akong magpanggap Kahit ang puso ko'y dusta. Wala akong magagawa Kundi ang ipinta Ang araw-araw na maskara Kunwaring masaya. Dahil kung ipapakita ang lukot At laos ng pintura Ang araw ay hindi titigil sa pang-aalipusta Sasabihin kung gaano ako kaduwag Ipapamukha kung paanong ako'y madrama.

At sobrang nakapagtataka Gusto kong itanong kung siya ba'y walang problema Kung ako lang ba Ang tanging duwag sa mata niya O siya rin kaya? Kung siya ba'y hindi nasasaktan At bakit parang hindi niya ako naiintindihan? O ako lang ba? Ako lang ba ang nag-iisip Kung paanong ang araw ay mapang-api Ako lang kaya?

Baka hindi ko lang siya maintindi Baka gusto niya lang ay ang aking ikabubuti Dahil kung magpapakain ako Sa bagal at dilim ng mundo Ay posibleng mawala ako Tulad ng kung paano binibigyan ng araw Ang buwan ng liwanag Kung paanong nakikita ko ito Dahil sa kanya. Kung paanong minamahal ko ito Dahil sa ilaw na taglay niya. Baka nga ako lang.

Pero minsan gano'n talaga Darating sa punto na mawawala ang liwanag At ang buwan ay di ko na makikita Ang mundo ay muling babagal Kahit sa akin lang. Ganon talaga, Darating sa puntong didilim na lang bigla Kahit di mo gustuhin, magugulat na lang sila Dahil ang iniirog na buwan ay mawawala Pero makakasanayan din nila

Babalik din ako, Hindi habang buhay ay kailangang ganito. Ang araw na siyang aking katalo, Ay naiintindihan ko na ngayon Kahit minsan ay hindi magkaayos Alam kong minamahal niya lang ako.

Kaya babalik ako, Pag bumalik ang sinag ng araw Pag muli niya akong mailawan At makikita mo ako Makikita mo ang bakas ng mga kahapon ko Madami man ang tumama at nanakit dito 'Di mo maipagkakaila na minamahal mo ako Ang buwan na siyang aking katukayo, Ang buwan na minamahal mo Yun ay walang iba kundi ako.

Pasensya, Kung minsan ay lungkot ang dala ko sayo. Pasensya, Kung minsan ay nawawala ako. Pasensya, Sa lahat ng pasakit na dala ko sayo. Nawa'y maintindihan mo ako. Dahil minsan darating tayo sa punto, At masasabi mo na lang, 'Ito na naman tayo'.

— Johanna M.L. "Luna" D. Sibayan

This is a tagalog spoken poetry about how I felt back then about me and my mom's difference, and my ongoing depression. Written in 2017.

#spoken poetry #tagalog spoken poetry #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #tula #filipino #tagalog #poem of the day #depression #mental health awareness #buwan #araw #sol and luna #pilipino #pinoy #dilim at liwanag #for my mom

[lunaxstella]

I found something while browsing my old posts on facebook. I was 16 years old turning 17 back then. I can say that I'm proud of her but... I'm also sad because why? Why am I like this?

"Worth the pain?"

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! You both like shs.

Stranger: tayo na nga You: mas maganda pag nakaupo You: hindi ka mapapagod You: hindi ka pa masasaktan You: pero mas maganda kung ika'y maka-uno Stranger: ang sakit kaya sa pwet umupo nang matagal You: hahahahaha You: eh kaso ako matagal ng nakatayo kaya gusto ko ng umupo Stranger: bat ka ba nakatayo You: may hinihintay ako e You: di ko alam kung may pag-asa ba ako Stranger: wala walang forever Stranger: hahahahha Stranger: joke You: meron naman kaya You: asl mo? Stranger: 17 f manila Stranger: ikaw? You: ay kumare HAHAHAHA Stranger: ahahahhha Stranger: bakit ikaw ang naghihitay girl? You: ako lang yung nagmamahal e Stranger: girl bitaw na You: mahirap e Stranger: bitiw pala kasi iba yung bitaw Stranger: bakit naman mahirap Stranger: ako nga nakaya ko eh You: kasi baka may pag-asa Stranger: baka wala rin You: bibitiw na ako pag napamuka na sakin na wala na talaga You: sa ngayon, maghihintay lang ako Stranger: ay iba to Stranger: sige sana mag-enjoy ka sa pagiging martyr mo You: hahahahahaha Stranger: ang sakit sakit maging martyr eh You: atleast natuto ka You: wala namang masama You: basta wag lang sobra You: to the point na hindi mo na makikilala kung sino ka noon You: ok lang maging martyr. basta wag lang sobra. Stranger: kaya pala di ko na kilala sarili ko ngayon kasi nasobrahan dati hahahhaha You: dapat di ganun You: dapat may tinitira tayo kahit isang kusing para satin You: kasi mas mahalaga na mahalin mo ang sarili mo You: kasi kung di mo mahal ang sarili mo, pano ka magbibigay ng pagmamahal sa iba? Stranger: tell that to yourself 🙂 u know that you deserve so much more then why wait for him? You: lagi ko namang sinasabi yan sa sarili ko You: ang sabi ko lang naman naghihintay ako, wala akong sinabi na nasasaktan ako sa paghihintay na 'to. You: hindi ko naman kailangan na mahalin din ako para masabi kong masaya ako diba? Stranger: itatanong ko pa lang sana kung mahal ka ba nung hinihintay mo pero nasagot mo na Stranger: hahahahahhaa Stranger: mahirap yan ate girl Stranger: we don't deserve unrequited love Stranger: we deserve the love we give to others You: But then the world isn't that fair. You: It will never be. Stranger: wag na lang tayo magmahal hahahha joke Stranger: ang sakit naman po 🙁 You: Ganun talaga. You: Sa tingin mo, nasabi din kaya ni Jesus Christ yan habang nasasakdal siya? Stranger: omg You: Yung habang hinahampas siya sa likod? Yung habang kinu-crucifix siya? Stranger: hindi? Stranger: mahal niya kasi tayp Stranger: omg okay nagegets ko logic mo You: Kaakibat ng love ang pain. You: You won't get hurt kung di ka naman talaga nagmahal. Kung di ka naman talaga nagbigay ng pake. Stranger: pero sana dun tayo sa taong worth the pain Stranger: worth the wait You: Sugal ang pag-ibig You: Di mo alam kung saan ka mananalo Stranger: why do we need to win You: Di mo alam kung saan ka tsa-tsamba You: Bakit? Gusto mo bang matalo? You: Gusto mo bang masaktan? You: Of course you aim to win in a gamble para sayo mapunta ang price Stranger: syempre hindi hahaha 🙁 You: O yun kaya. We need to win. Pero dahil sugal ang pag-ibig, di mo alam kung nasa iyo na ba ang alas o wala pa You: Minsan akala mo ikaw na ang panalo pero hindi pala You: Kaya kailangan mong maging handa sa pagkatalo You: Kasi masakit You: Kung di ka magiging handa, baka mas tumindi pa yung sakit. Stranger: thanks po sa advice :(( Stranger: pakinggan mo ate yung feelings by up dharma down Stranger: wala ang ganda lang nun saka baka makarelate ka You: hahahahaha You: sige papakinggan ko You: 17 f nga pala 😊 Stranger: makakahanap din tayo ng taong mamahalin din tayo You: oo You: sa ngayon, i-priority muna natin ang studies Stranger: tama Stranger: hahahha Stranger: kaya bye na po :)) magdrawing na ulit ako hahaha You: hahahahaha sigeeee ingat 😊 Stranger: thank you po sa oras! God bless you! You: Same to you 😊

Stranger has disconnected.

[lunaxstella]

i used to write about what i'm going through but it felt like i was bringing them down with me, so i stopped. i used to open up to my friends but it felt like i was making them feel down, so i stopped. i've met a couple of acquaintances whom i've tried to tell my story, they told me that i can open up to them any time. but i still felt like it'd be a burden, so i don't. even with my doctor and counselors, i don't.

my heart is a vacuum. a space. a never ending void. how can i possibly let others in when i know that they'll just be sucked into my black hole. and it's not even the happy one.

[lunaxstella]

dilim

kumikislap na mga mata unan na basang-basa munting pag-asa'y nawawala unti-unti na nga bang napipiga

sumusulong ng nakapikit tinatahak ang kweba ng isip asan na ba ang mga tengang makikinig konti na lang ako ay mapupundi

ako ay hihinto sandali narito lang ako sa silid ayaw ko ng tumuloy ulit.

/Johanna M.L. "Luna" D. Sibayan

#tula #poem #poemsbyme #tagalog #poem of the day

[lunaxstella]

echoing whispers

the void in her eyes the pain in her heart the sorrow in her head

she wants it to stop she needs it to halt she hopes for it to change

i can't type the words to say i don't know how to describe this pain i haven't figured it out yet

can i stop can i pause can i cry

may i wish may i pray may i dream

please, i want it to be gone please, i don't know what to do please, i'm afraid i'm too far gone

the tears in my eyes the pang in my heart the voices in my head

this needs to stop this needs to stop this needs to stop.

//Johanna "Luna" M.L.D. Sibayan

#poem #poetry #flash poetry #poet #depression #apparently it's tomorrow now but anyway #no to plagiarism