panoramicdissonance

[panoramicdissonance]

Had been working on a poem I left be for years and coming back the first stanza was so good but the second didn’t really hold up to the first. Wanted to make the tempo and feel fit the first stanza. So it morphed into a tragic ending. I actually teared up when I finished. What was originally a rose still living through the winter all alone but enduring nonetheless with a hopeful feel, became a rose all alone, never to bloom in winter, and yet I still tried to be there with it. I know it’s something that is true in real life, winter brings death, but to see something you tried so hard to make hopeful and positive shift into something desolate and melancholy made me mourn how the poem was. It was a death, in a sense, to me. Does the poem fit the first stanza more now? Yes, but at the cost of my hopefully youth when I first wrote it.

#poetry #writing poems #female writers #writers and poets #writerscommunity #writing #writers on tumblr #editing

[panoramicdissonance]

I have officially written 30 poems towards my poetry book! 30 is the minimum requirement for a poetry book with 70 being the average. I’m shooting for 60 and letting whatever come to me. So proud of myself for getting this far.

#poetry book #poetry #author #writerscommunity #writers and poets #female writers #pansexual #being queer #lgbtqia

[panoramicdissonance]

Y’all ever worried you’re not really living life? Just surviving and existing?

#existential #life #surviving #the monotony of life sure is lame

[panoramicdissonance]

I once went on a date with someone I was debating letting be my sugar daddy and when we walked into the restaurant one of the bus boys HIGH FIVED that mf.

This was my very first experience with anything like that and needless to say it was my last lmaooo he just wanted to hook up and I was like nah. That’s like the easiest thing to find. I’m just in this for money to get me through college. I can find a fuck anywhere so 🤷🏻‍♀️

#sugarbaby #dating #college life #broke bitch #I’m financially stable now on my own paycheck so didn’t need that income anyway so it worked out #pansexual

[panoramicdissonance]

My first long time relationship was not one built to last. It was built for us to grow into different people, argue about it, and eventually spilt up with hurt feelings and burned egos. I truly think we had reached the end of what that relationship could be but neither wanted to let it go because in a way that was admitting defeat.

#long term relationship #relationships #break up #pansexual #being queer #lgbtqia

[panoramicdissonance]

I desperately need someone to convince my nervous system that the tiger does not exist.

[panoramicdissonance]

I’m thinking about writing a poetry book. That’s so many poems though. The minimum requirement is 30 but the average minimum is 70. 70!!! That’s so many 😭😭

#poetry #writing #writing poems #books #poetry book #pansexual #being queer #lgbtqia

[panoramicdissonance]

18+ ONLY nsfw

(Just me remembering my first real love and my sexual liberating experiences)

I felt so timid and shy around him and it really seemed like I was trying to hide myself, thinking back. I didn’t want him to see something he didn’t like. I didn’t want him to see me as anything other than someone he desired and eventually loved. I do think he loved me and he meant it when he said it.

He did love me. He did love being with me. I do think that.

I do think he loved the carnal acts we craved together more though. He said he loved me, looked into my eyes, and came deep inside me and it was all I ever wanted to see again-feel again. His pupils were blown wide and almost wild, feverish. The way his lips quivered as he panted, the sound of him exhaling my name through ecstasy, the way I was so slick and he glided into me with ease. It’s all burned into my memory. He made me feel something I had never before.

We had the kind of connection that left both our ears ringing at the end and completely, utterly spent.

I craved him like mad. I craved the feel of him, the curves of his back, the dips in his arms, his bony shoulders that I desperately clung to, urging him faster and deeper inside.

If only he cared for me the way I cared for him. If only he could see in my eyes the love I had for him. But all I saw in his eyes was carnal bliss, not the love I craved even more than the way I craved the feel of him.

#pansexual #being queer #he was my sexual liberation and i loved him for that #sexual liberation #love #lovers #women #he’s engaged now and looks almost exactly the same now which is wild to me. I find him less attractive now which isn’t to say he isn’t #I just don’t feel for him the same attraction I felt for him before #I hardly look at men now and think they are on the same level as some women and non-binary people

[panoramicdissonance]

My very first relationship was with a guy I never met and one day he just stopped texting me back. I still can’t remember how I got his number and how he got mine but we were “dating” I think. I can’t remember if we ever made it official. Regardless, he was the first boy I had ever talked to romantically. It was a weird time. Texting boys off my flip phone that I didn’t have any business texting. Not even my best friend knows about him. What’s to tell? I can’t remember anything more than his first name.

There might have been one other guy I could say I texted “romantically” but it was during the time you texted random ass numbers in hopes of getting a text back just for fun. I lied about who I was to him, how old I was, and I really don’t think he bought it. He said he wrote poetry and sent me one about lies and deceit but there were words in the poem I had to look up because I didn’t know what they meant. Can’t remember what the word was but I remember looking it up and panicking, knowing that he probably knew I was lying I eventually cut my loses and never texted back and I think he was grateful. It was never any flirty texting, just me desperately looking for human contact I guess. That was pathetic of me honestly.

#it was the 90s #it was the 2000s #flip phone #lies and the lying liars who tell them #i was a dumb kid #first relationship #texting on a flip phone hit different #I miss angrily slamming my phone closed

[panoramicdissonance]

Thought about a past relationship today and how there was a 4 year age gap. It doesn’t seem like much to some but looking back, I was so malleable back then. I was young, inexperienced in practically every part of life, and so ready to be what he needed me to be. I remember being so nervous around him and timid but he was always kind to me. He wasn’t perfect. He often was bad at communicating and I don’t think I even really knew him the way you should know someone you fantasize getting married to. I never wanted kids but for him I would have had them and I was always ADAMANTLY against it. I was so ready to change my core beliefs for him. I think he knew that and tried to step back but that made me cling even harder, even with hundreds of miles between us.

#past relationships #relationships #pansexual #being queer #boyfriend #he was my sexual liberation and I loved him for that

[panoramicdissonance]

I made a whole ass post that didn’t go through so now I don’t have the energy to post anything else. Just know that I’m still probably pan but the post was about when I used to think I was straight.

[panoramicdissonance]

I used to be a pick me girl in high school and it’s embarrassing to look back on. I still have some of those old habits but I’m actively trying to break them. Any time I see a man who is somewhat attractive to me I feel like I put on a performance. Like I start peacocking. I catch myself and remind myself that my worth is more than their opinion of me.

#pick me girl #pansexual #being queer #my worth is worth more #I talked about this with my best friend recently #growing up and hearing that women have to do so much while men have to do the bare minimum #hard to put that teaching aside but I’m slowing getting better at it

[panoramicdissonance]

Dating men doesn’t hit the same as it used to

#dating as an adult sure is hard and very lame #dating #pansexual #being queer #men #why am i like this

[panoramicdissonance]

She was small and petite

A bob haircut framing sharp features:

Virgo features with bright eyes

We kissed in the IKEA and it felt cliché

But I still got butterflies all the same

Me: eager and too full of energy

You: calm and silent but still present

I tried to play off how exited I was, but failing

We went about that day with little planned

You closed your eyes in the parking lot

Said you needed a nap so I let you as I

Scrolled on my phone-played with your hair

Taking in the moment of being together

I enjoyed just being in your company

The company of a small petite woman

Who I didn’t get to know as well as I would

Have wanted; as well as I would have liked

#pansexual #lgbtqia #being queer #lesbian #women are pretty #virgo #date #ikea #thoughts of you keep popping into my mind every now and then #I think about what we could have had but I wanted to be monogamous and you wanted to explore another relationship #honestly thinking back on how you ghosted me for a whole day and a half when we were just starting to talk should have been a red flag #that’s on me for not seeing it. Regardles

[panoramicdissonance]

How are you gonna ask to lick the sweat off my back and tell me you thought about asking me not to take birth control so I’d get pregnant and NOT expect me to think we’re gonna get married someday??

#men #pansexual #relationship #why do men #kink #if you’re gonna ask me something out of pocket at least say it’s a kink and don’t let me plan our life together

[panoramicdissonance]

My first every gay panic moment was when I was working a part time retail.

She came up to the counter with her stuff and was awkward in the cutest way. All awkward laughs and hunched posture due to her height, and a bit flustered. We barely even made eye contact because as soon as she was in front of me I panicked. She was tall, had a bob, glasses, and had a mask on (Covid). But her mannerisms were endearing and I knew I was blushing HARD under my mask and was thankful she couldn’t see. It couldn’t have been more than a 2 minute interaction because she seemed like she was in a hurry and I was panicking, trying to rush. We said the normal worker-costumer goodbye as I handed her her bag of stuff and she went on her way.

I ran to my coworker and asked if he heard me making a fool of myself and told him I finally experienced the gay panic 😂

#gay panic #lgbtqia #tall girl #women are pretty #being queer #pansexual #working retail #I think about her a lot #I wonder sometimes if I also have her gay panic because she seemed flustered

[panoramicdissonance]

When I was in high school we had a person come in to help with some new program the school was trying to impoliment and they brought in a woman who was small, slender, with a pixie cut, had glasses, and that was the first time I ever saw a woman in real life and thought, “I wonder what it would be like to kiss her.” I was in a relationship with a boy at the time, in high school, and thought I was straight, so I kept those thoughts to myself. I thought everyone had them from time to time.

That didn’t stop the dreams at night I’d have about her. Didn’t stop the dreams from creating a space for us in stolen moments in broom closets with hushed voices and heavy breathes.

It was also the first time I thought anyone around me was attractive. I could see the girls in my class and at my school and thought some were pretty, but I never had those kind of thoughts about any of them. I never had that thought about any of the boys either. Even with my boyfriend, it wasn’t until we were both flirting and dating for me to think of being intimate with him. I didn’t want to think of anyone I wasn’t seeing or talking to in that way because, in my brain, it felt disrespectful?

Anyway, it was the first time I realized how hot women can be with short hair.

I got chosen to help with a networking event with her that she set up, along with some other students, and on the way one of my teachers had said, “We love [redacted].” And then the other two people in the car repeated the phrase so then I felt the need to repeat it too but I knew when I said it out loud it was different.

“We love [redacted]” felt more like a soft sigh on my lips than one of praise and pride. I tried not to sound wistful. I knew what I felt for her wasn’t something I should, something I shouldn’t daydream about. And being in a position to say I loved her, whatever the connotation they put with it, it was different for when I said it. So I pushed that feeling so far down and avoided looking at her whenever I could. Not cold, but distant.

#pansexual #being queer #gay experience #her name #lgbtqia #lesbian #pixie hair #we love her #crush #one sided crush #it’s weird thinking I had a crush on an adult now when I was a minor. If I were in her position and if I ever found out I’d be appalled #I know a woman who is gonna go to prison for being with a student. I hope she rots there