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malorydaily · 8 months

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Malory tells us repeatedly that Igrayne was a “passyng good woman,” and holds her up as a model of proper feminine behavior, reasserting the idealized and absolute dependence of women upon men in the chivalric project. Upon learning that her husband has not only been killed, but also passed away hours before her sexual encounter with Uther in the likeness of Cornwall, Igrayne “mourned pryvely and held hir pees” (9.30); she offers no objection when the nobles of the land decide to wed her to Uther, the man responsible for the death of her husband; when Uther reveals to her his deception and that he is in fact the father of the child she is carrying, Malory tells us that “Thenne the quene made grete joye whan she knewe who was the fader of her child” (10.31–32); and upon the death of Uther, her second husband, Malory relates that as was the case with the passing of her first, “fayre Igrayne made grete sorowe and alle the barons” (12.10). Igrayne stands out as the exemplary female in Malory’s text, quickly and silently adapting to the needs and wants of the men who fight over and exchange her.

When word comes that Cornwall has been defeated by Uther’s forces, Malory tells us that “alle the barons by one assent prayd the kynge of accord betwixe the lady Igrayne and hym” (9.31–32), to which request the king accedes and charges Sir Ulfius to make the arrangements for the wedding. As with the decision to attack Cornwall, the king’s subsequent marriage is represented as not only the result of his own personal desire, but also as an act that will fulfill some perceived need of the community over which he presides; it is a body of—again, significantly male—nobles who comes to this decision. Just as she became the largely silent object of the erotic triangle of king, duke, and lady, Igrayne is the silent corner once again in the development of a plan to reincorporate Cornwall into Uther’s larger kingdom: “‘Now wille we doo wel,’ said Ulfyus; ‘our kyng is a lusty knyght and wyveles, and my lady Igrayne is a passynge fair lady; it were grete joye unto us all and hit myghte please the kynge to make her his quene.’ Unto that they were all well accordyd and meved it to the kynge. And anone, lyke a lusty knyghte, he assentid therto with good wille, and so in alle haste they were maryed in a mornynge with grete myrthe and joye” (9.36–39, 10.1–4).

While the king’s assent to the will of his people is important to the re- establishment of order, Igrayne’s explicit consent is deemed unnecessary for the act of reintegrating her first husband’s realm into that of her second. Igrayne is the gift, an object that is exchanged for peace, property, and a means of establishing male homosocial bonds within this patriarchal, kin-based social order. In a striking example of community solidarity, several other important unions are consecrated at the same time that Uther and Igrayne are wed: “And kynge Lott of Lowthean and of Orkenay thenne wedded Margawse . . . and kynge Nentres of the land of Garlot wedded Elayne: al this was done at the request of kynge Uther. And the thyrd syster, Morgan le Fey, was put to scole in a nonnery. . . . And after she was wedded to kynge Uryens of the lond of Gore” (10.5–12). This is the first time that the theme of wedding proliferation occurs in Malory; the text insistently repeats this pattern, each time pointing to the importance of such unions in affirming social bonds and the critical role that women play in this exchange and alliance of power and kinship.

Silently, passively, obediently, women are circulated or “gifted” away— by, to, and for men—serving, in their transfer from one male to another, to reinforce and strengthen the homosocial ties that bind the Arthurian community together. Wedding proliferation supports and reinforces the validity of those institutions; the occurrence of these other marriages at the same time as Uther and Igrayne’s sanctions the king’s actions. At the same time, King Lot and King Nentres derive for their own unions important significance in that they are connected in a special way with the power and status of King Uther. Each of these marriages affirms and increases the significance of the other, and a double benefit is derived: for the community, which is strengthened through this act of solidarity, and for each of the individuals of this community, who derive for themselves some mea- sure of extra power and influence through their participation in this socially important ritual.

– Dorsey Armstrong, Gender and the Chivalric Community in Malory's Morte D'Arthur

#malorydaily #Book 1 #uther pendragon #igraine #morgana #morgause #king lot #king nentres #gender and sexuality #marriage #dorsey armstrong

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soniyastudiess · 1 year

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A lot of things have happened in my academic life in the last week. I gave my sessional tests, have only one left, which is tomorrow. Received the marks of my stats test. I got 9/10 in the first and 12/15 in the second. I know i could do better but this is nonetheless a very good performance considering i studied on my own and didn't attend any classes due to my internship. I also had a chance to attend a couple classes because I took leave from the office. Coming back to classes after almost a month is fun. I was really missing college. The biggest news is that i received my Semester 1 result and I got 8.82 SGPA out of 10. Which is pretty good if you consider my individual performance. However, if you compare to others in my class, not so much. I have a couple people in my class who received 9 and 9.18 and 9.36 so There's a lot of scope for improvement. I really introspected a lot today and thought of all the things i can learn from my friends who scored higher than me. Hoping to inculcate my learnings into my study style.

#psychology #academia #grad school #study tips #studyblr #dark academia vibes #university #college #dark academia #light academia #exams #selfstudy #studying #indian studyblr

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somediyprojects · 9 months

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Sleeping Fox stitched and designed by NeedleLotDesigns. Pattern, $9.36.

#cross stitch #inspo #x #self drafted

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augustusaugustus · 6 months

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9.36 The Short Straw

STAMP: It’s Viv. She’s dead.

ACKLAND: I just want to see. LOXTON: See what? ACKLAND: She was my mate, Steve. LOXTON: All the more reason for not going. We’d just get under everyone’s feet. ACKLAND: Yeah, well, you never served with her. We go back a long way. LOXTON: Right. Well, let’s find these bastards and have them, then.

MARSHALL: I just heard. It’s not... MAITLAND: Yeah. Yeah, it is.

CARVER: Oh my god. BURNSIDE: (to Jim) Look, if you’re going to be sick, go outside. (Jim leaves; to Alastair) Stay with him. Make sure he’s all right.

MONROE: You might’ve told us about the op. BURNSIDE: Spilt milk, Andrew.

BURNSIDE: Look, I don’t need you to go frosty on me. We’ve already lost one silly bitch today. CARVER: What’d you call her? ALASTAIR: Jim. BURNSIDE: If she turned up for that briefing, she’d have known what the score was. That’s what you get when you get sloppy. CARVER: I don’t believe you, you bastard!

ACKLAND: Steve. LOXTON: What? ACKLAND: They said to pull off. LOXTON: No way.

BURNSIDE: She was late. There was a point to be made. MEADOWS: Well no doubt she’s learnt her lesson.

CATO: There’s no medals for stupidity you know. ACKLAND: We weren’t thinking about medals, sir. CATO: And what were you thinking of? ACKLAND: If you’d known Viv, that’s not a question you’d be asking.

A heartbreaker of an episode, but also such a clever exploration of the different reactions to grief and shock—especially in men, who have been taught not to show their emotions. Jim, not as afraid of emotion as the others, but expressing it through violence and drinking. Steve, trying to maintain the mask of being unaffected, but putting everything on the line to catch the killers. John, lashing out when he’s usually so controlled. Andrew, quietly getting things done while looking haunted. And Frank—absolutely overwhelmed with guilt and trying so hard to appear hard and heartless when everyone knows he would do anything for the people below him and it has to be hurting him most of all.

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dciburnside · 4 months

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9.36 The Short Straw

#frank burnside #christopher ellison #series 9 #the bill #the short straw #jack meadows

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d4rkpluto · 2 years

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𝔭𝔞𝔦𝔡 𝔦𝔫𝔱𝔲𝔦𝔱𝔦𝔳𝔢 𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰

♇ hello! since i've stopped using tarot, i still want to use my clairvoyance and clairaudient skills to help out people!

♇ which will be soon shown underneath, there will be a variety of choices one can pick from me! the only paying app/website that is working for me right now is ko-fi or paypal

♇ the questions you guys will be able to ask will be the same from my tarot workshop! some questions have been taken out.

♇ you guys will have to choose up to the maximum of numbers you want for your readings, the size of the reading changes the price range!

readings i’m open to doing ⬎

⟶ time period readings

⟶ romance readings

⟶ others (which will be elaborated below)

the prices of the time period readings ⬎

⟶ what is coming for you next month ⬎

♇ 300 words⟶ £5 ⟶ €5.85 ⟶ $6.61 ⟶ 8.00 CAD

♇ 600 words⟶ £10 ⟶ €11.70 ⟶ $13.22 ⟶ 17.18 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £15 ⟶ €17.56 ⟶ $21.15 ⟶ 25.77 CAD

⟶ what is coming for you next year (2023) ⬎

♇ 300 words⟶ £6 ⟶ €7.02 ⟶ $7.93 ⟶ 10.30 CAD

♇ 600 words⟶ £11 ⟶ €12.87 ⟶ $14.54 ⟶ 18.89 CAD

♇ 900 words⟶ £16 ⟶ €18.73 ⟶ $21.15 ⟶ 27.48 CAD

the prices of the romance readings ⬎

⟶ what does your future partner/spouse like about you + what they dislike about you

♇ 300 words ⟶ £7 ⟶ €8.19 ⟶ $9.25 ⟶ 12.02 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £9 ⟶ €10.53 ⟶ $11.89 ⟶ 15.46 CAD

♇ 900 words⟶ £11 ⟶ €12.87 ⟶ $14.54 ⟶ 18.89 CAD

⟶ about your future spouse⬎

♇ 300 words ⟶ £8 ⟶ €9.36 ⟶ $10.57 ⟶ 13.74 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £10 ⟶ €11.70 ⟶ $13.22 ⟶ 17.19 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £12 ⟶ €14.04 ⟶ $15.86 ⟶ 20.61 CAD

⟶ how are you as a partner⬎

♇ 300 words ⟶ £9 ⟶ €10.53 ⟶ $11.89 ⟶ 15.46 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £11 ⟶ €12.87 ⟶ $14.54 ⟶ 18.89 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £13 ⟶ €15.22 ⟶ $17.18 ⟶ 22.32 CAD

⟶ who is crushing on you ⬎

♇ 300 words ⟶ £10 ⟶ €11.70 ⟶ $13.22 ⟶ 17.19 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £13 ⟶ €15.22 ⟶ $17.18 ⟶ 18.89 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £15 ⟶ €17.56 ⟶ $19.82 ⟶ 25.77 CAD

⟶ what kind of romantic partner is coming into your life ⬎

♇ 300 words ⟶ £12 ⟶ €14.04 ⟶ $15.86 ⟶ 20.61 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £15 ⟶ €17.56 ⟶ $19.82 ⟶ 25.77 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £17 ⟶ €19.90 ⟶ $22.47 ⟶ 29.20 CAD

⟶ how will your future boyfriend/girlfriend treat you ⬎

♇ 300 words ⟶ £14 ⟶ €16.39 ⟶ $18.50 ⟶ 24.04 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £16 ⟶ €18.73 ⟶ $21.15 ⟶ 27.48 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £18 ⟶ €21.58 ⟶ $24.47 ⟶ 30.93 CAD

⟶ how will your future spouse treat you ⬎

♇ 300 words ⟶ £15 ⟶ €17.56 ⟶ $19.82 ⟶ 25.77 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £17 ⟶ €19.90 ⟶ $22.47 ⟶ 29.20 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £19 ⟶ €22.70 ⟶ $25.82 ⟶ 32.62 CAD

⟶ what their friends think of you ⬎ (could be future spouse or future boyfriend/girlfriend)

♇ 300 words ⟶ £16 ⟶ €18.73 ⟶ $21.15 ⟶ 27.48CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £17 ⟶ €19.90 ⟶ $22.47 ⟶ 29.20 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £19 ⟶ €22.70 ⟶ $25.82 ⟶ 32.62 CAD

⟶ first impressions ⬎ (could be future spouse or future boyfriend/girlfriend)

♇ 300 words ⟶ £15 ⟶ €17.56 ⟶ $19.82 ⟶ 25.77 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £16 ⟶ €18.73 ⟶ $21.15 ⟶ 27.48CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £17 ⟶ €19.90 ⟶ $22.47 ⟶ 29.20 CAD

⟶ how your future partner (boyfriend/girlfriend) will view you ⬎

♇ 300 words ⟶ £17 ⟶ €19.90 ⟶ $22.47 ⟶ 29.20 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £18 ⟶ €21.58 ⟶ $24.47 ⟶ 30.93 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £19 ⟶ €22.70 ⟶ $25.82 ⟶ 32.62 CAD

⟶ how your future spouse will view you ⬎

♇ 300 words ⟶ £17 ⟶ €19.90 ⟶ $22.47 ⟶ 29.20 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £18 ⟶ €21.58 ⟶ $24.47 ⟶ 30.93 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £19 ⟶ €22.70 ⟶ $25.82 ⟶ 32.62 CAD

the prices of other readings ⬎

⟶ what do people think about you ⬎

♇ 300 words ⟶ £5.10 ⟶ €5.97 ⟶ $6.74 ⟶ 8.76 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £10.15 ⟶ €11.88 ⟶ $13.42 ⟶ 17.43 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £15.20 ⟶ €17.79 ⟶ $20.09 ⟶ 26.11 CAD

⟶ let me gas you up! what do people like about you? what makes you so attractive? ⬎

♇ 300 words ⟶ £4 ⟶ €4.68 ⟶ $5.29 ⟶ 6.87 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £9 ⟶ €10.78 ⟶ $11.90 ⟶ 15.46 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £14 ⟶ €16.39 ⟶ $18.50 ⟶ 24.04 CAD

⟶ friend or foe? how a person feels about you and their intentions ⬎

♇ 300 words ⟶ £8 ⟶ €9.36 ⟶ $10.57 ⟶ 13.74 CAD

♇ 600 words ⟶ £10 ⟶ €11.70 ⟶ $13.22 ⟶ 17.19 CAD

♇ 900 words ⟶ £12 ⟶ €14.04 ⟶ $15.86 ⟶ 20.61 CAD

extras ⬎

♇ i also use shufflemancy! i have over 60 playlists and if you also order a shufflemancy i'll pick a playlist that i think suits your energy and your situation!

£5 ⟶ €5 ⟶ $5 ⟶ 5 CAD

♇

no refunds.

#pluto #d4rkpluto #shufflemancy #plutointuitive #paid readings #paid intuitive readings #plutod4rk #clairvoyance #clairaudience

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slodkie-motylki-any · 11 months

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9.36 || 28.05

nie jest tak łatwo przytyć, naczczo ważę 43kg, przytyłem tylko 1kg, więc na bilans muszę iść po dużym śniadaniu. chcę już wrócić do moich głodówek. jutro już idę po tabletki na przeczyszczenia i zaczynam brać po lekarzu.

#motylki any #bede motylkiem #jestem motylkiem #motylki #gruba swinia #będę motylkiem #blogi motylkowe #chce widziec swoje kosci #motylki blog #az do kosci

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tough-girl9 · 2 years

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Five Moments of Feeling

Summary: Five moments in which Data experiences emotion and becomes just a little bit more human. A "if Data hadn't gotten the emotion chip" AU.

Part 1: Humor

Part 2: Contentment

Part 3: Pride

Part 4: Offense

Also posted on AO3 and FFN

Five Moments of Feeling Part 5: Saudade

The fifth moment was in Data's private quarters.

It had been a…strange…day.

Their current mission had taken them in a close route past Turkana IV that morning, and Data had noticed a distinct, if subtle, change in the mood of his crewmates on the Bridge, even though they had not stopped at the planet or even seen it as anything more than a dot on the routine navigational scans. But even he had been able to sense the feeling of solemnity pervading the Bridge from his position at Ops. Most notable was the significant reduction in conversation and small talk between his fellow officers, ranging from a 9.36% decrease (Lt. Worf) to one of 47.92% (Commander Riker). And although he was still learning to interpret human body language, he noted that the others seemed stiff and less expressive than usual, which in his experience usually indicated feelings of emotional discomfort of some kind.

Data had found that he was not entirely unaffected, as well.

Since they had passed Turkana IV, Data had found himself accessing old memory files fifteen distinct times without a conscious decision to do so. Now, finished with his shift and on his way back to his quarters, he purposefully accessed one of the files and played it as he walked.

In the memory, he was sitting at a table in Ten Forward, with a clear glass of Andolian brandy in front of him and his hands folded on the tabletop. He was looking at Commander Riker, who had just finished a humorous story and was smiling broadly. Counselor Troi sat next to him, with Dr. Crusher standing behind her, both of them smiling. As the memory played, Data's gaze shifted further to the left, and suddenly, there she was.

Tasha was laughing, a huge smile on her face and her eyes crinkled at the corners. Her head dropped, wagging mirthfully back and forth, her shoulders shaking slightly with her laughter. She looked happy and at ease. She lifted her head, blue eyes sparkling with merriment, and apparently noticed him watching her. She nudged one of his hands with her elbow. "Come on, Data, it's funny," she said, and he noticed how her cheeks dimpled with her smile.

"Humor is a human condition that I have not yet been able to master," he heard himself responding in the memory. "However, given all of your reactions, I do not doubt that the story was indeed humorous."

"You'll get there, I'm sure," she answered, still smiling at him with an expression that he would now label as fondness.

He reached the door to his quarters and closed the memory file as the unit slid open in front of him.

Spot greeted him with loud, demanding meows, and Data paused at his replicator with a brief command of "Feline Supplement Number 57." He set the bowl on the ground, then stepped behind his workstation. He sat at his console and began pulling up the holodeck files for the new Sherlock Holmes program he was writing for his next meet-up with Geordi, but he stopped halfway through the process. Despite the fact that he had set aside this time to work on the program, something he usually found enjoyable, he realized that he simply didn't want to do it right now. Instead, he turned and opened one of his desk drawers, pulling out the small, holographic portrait that he always kept there. He set it on the desk in front of him and turned it on.

It had been seven years, three months, fifteen days since Vagra II. Data had heard several of his companions use the phrase that "time heals all", but time did not work that way for an android. Time was merely a unilateral progression, a collection of seconds and minutes that had no effect on his memories or subsystems. His memories of Tasha Yar were just as clear today as they had been seven years ago.

He wondered for a brief .03 seconds what Tasha would think if she could see him now. He hoped she would be proud of him, of how far he had come, of how much of his own humanity he had discovered. She had always believed in his dream to become human.

The odd sensation of emptiness that always accompanied thoughts of Tasha expanded through Data's neural net. Each of his friends had a distinct and unique sensory input pattern and he knew instinctively that nothing would ever replace the input pattern that had been Tasha's.

Despite the objective fact that Tasha was gone, Data still found himself sometimes wanting to tell her about some aspect of his day or his self-discovery, to have that rush of familiar sensory input from her smile or laughter in response to whatever he had just told her. Like the fact that he had now experienced twelve distinct different emotional states at this stage of his growth. Although based on his detailed catalog of her reactions, he could generate a high probability hypothesis as to what her reaction would have been, it was still not the same as experiencing it personally.

The sensation of emptiness grew, spreading through his entire system. He did not know why he found himself staring so intently at the small figure of Tasha on his desk, not when he had perfect memory records of her. The emptiness pulsed through him like an electrical surge, not strong enough to be of concern, but powerful and distracting. One by one, his secondary subsystems began to terminate, until a significantly above average portion of his energy and focus was devoted solely to Tasha.

A single golden tear pooled in his eye then slowly dripped down his cheek and splashed onto the desk in front of Tasha.

He reached out his hand gently, as if to stroke the tiny, blue-tinted figure in front of him, but his fingers just passed through the image.

He laid his head down on the desk, his neck tilted so that he could still gaze at Tasha, more tears gathering in his eyes and spilling downwards to form a small golden pool under his cheek. The immense feeling of absence pulsed inside his mechanical chest.

"I miss you, Tasha," he whispered.

#star trek #star trek tng #star trek the next generation #star trek fanfiction #fanfiction #my writing #data star trek #lt commander data #data soong #tasha yar #lt tasha yar #tasha star trek #emotions #friendship #not datasha #but can be read that way if you like

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metaverseblock · 2 years

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Major validator calls for ‘completely new chain’ to replace Terra

DSRV runs a validator node on Terra with 9.36% of the on-chain voting power. DSRV has suffered as much as any investor because its node had collected 14 billion LUNA worth about $1 billion in LUNA by May 8, which is now worth about $3 million.

连锁店重启，这最初是验证者的观点。提议重组链条，并将代币供应重置为10亿LUNA。之前的Terra链应该会永久消失。应该制作一个由社区驱动的全新链条来拯救 #blockchain #區塊鏈 #metaverse

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dykebeckett · 1 year

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derry girls style show set in kirkwall approx 9.36 dragon

.send post

#is this a funny concept. i feel certain it is. it must be

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cattoy4ever · 2 years

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Part One: Death Of Matthew Warren

*** Made PT1 in a rush so if the pacing and stuff is weird don't cancel me i just had this idea in my head all day. Also part of it is inspired by a reddit story loooollll***

“Your total will be $9.36.”

The 7/11 cashier lazily chewed gum, his eyes sunken in and skin pale. The poor lighting gave him a blueish green tint, dulling his blue iris’. He’s thin and lanky, soft blonde hair, and a large nose. A typical college kid. I had been staring at his features for so long I hardly realized he’s been talking to me.

“Oh. Right.. I’ll just put it on the card” I handed him my visa and he let out an exasperated sigh. I could tell he was judging me for driving out at 4 AM for a pack of cigs and a large slurpee. I don’t know why a 19 year old’s opinion causes my heart to race but before I know it, my palms have grown hot and sweaty.

“Look, my boyfriend gets all pissy when I smoke so I just figured I’d do it here-”

“I don’t care.”

“Wha- Oh”

He slid my change back to me, “have a good day, miss”.

I sheepishly shoved the coins into my pocket, “Uh yeah”. My legs ran on their own motor, zipping out of there.

I locked myself in my car, leaning back with a cigarette caught between my lips and a half drinken slurpee cup in my hand. The condensation cooled my body down, while the cigarette warmed my lungs up. My eyes grew heavy, so I put the cup into the coaster and drew a long breath. A gas station parking lot might not be the safest place to doze off but the flickering open sign buzzing loud enough for me to hear was like white noise to a baby.

BANG BANG BANG

I jolted awake, a large shadow caught hovering in my driver window loomed over me. My eyes adjusted and it was a man frantically slamming his open palm onto my window and trying to shake open my car door. He was wearing a clean suit and tie, clearly tailored to his body. A shiny watch sparkling on his wrist.

“COME ON MAN, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!” he screamed, now using both hands to try to pry it open. I couldn’t move, my body frozen in place.

He kept checking over his shoulder like something was after him, “LET ME IN!”

My fingers managed to slightly open the window and the only words that could escape my lips were, “WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!”

The shaking stopped. His face contorted into a look that shot darts into my chest. A look of pure horror. He let go of my car handle, and slowly backed up.

His voice lowered, “You’re one of them, aren’t you?” He shook his head repeatedly and before I could respond he sprinted off into the woods behind the station. No hesitation, I put my car into reverse and sped my way home. The morning sun peeked from behind the trees as my foot smashed itself onto the gas.

When I arrived at my apartment room, I rocked my boyfriend awake and frantically tried to explain the situation.

“Babe, it’s 5 in the morning..” He rubbed his eyes.

“I KNOW I KNOW! I WAS AT THE GAS STATION AND-”

“You were at the gas station?”

“LISTEN TO ME!” I recounted the story, my voice quivering and tears staining my face.

“He was probably just some high homeless guy-”

“NO MICHAEL! He was wearing this-this super nice suit it was like tailored and everything and his shoes… he had a Rolex on. What homeless person do you know has a brand new Rolex, Mike?” Frustratingly gripping my hair in my fists, he slithered a hand onto my back.

“Could’ve been a prank” He attempted to reassure.

“No.”

He pulled away, “Why not?”

“That look… that was real fear.” I shuddered at the image of it, still fresh in my mind.

“Nance, it’s the middle of the night at a gas station. There are plenty of crazies out there.” He rose out of bed, “I’ll go make breakfast. Do you want eggs or-”

“It’s the way he talked. Like I knew him. Like it was crazy that I wouldn’t let him in. That betrayal in his eyes, Micheal.” The tears stopped falling, my gaze just kept at the ground. An empty lifeless stare.

He sighed and placed a kiss on my forehead, “Eggs or pancakes?”.

A white button up blouse, blue cardigan, ankle length black skirt, simple black flats, pantyhose, and a crystal barrette pulling back my long hair. I rolled dull mute boring lipstick over my lips. I try to ignore what happened this morning, and focus on my work. I work at an equally boring office job. Filing, typing, and occasional calls. The highlight of my day is brewing coffee on my lunch break.

“Hey Nancy, what’s with the long face?” My coworker Dan’s voice breaks into my robot-like immersion. Dan loves me but doesn’t get along really well with my boyfriend. So we never hang out after hours.

“Just work” I pull my lips into a tight smile and go back to typing.

“You don’t have to lie to me” He reaches over and tucks a piece of hair covering my face behind my ears. “I can see a troublesome look in your eyes” I pushed him away and jumped out of my seat, knocking my chair into the woman behind me.

“SHUT UP DAN!” The already very quiet room now feels the most silent in years.

“I…” the whole office is staring at me, all their eyes. His eyes flash into my mind, and my legs struggle to keep the weight of my lungs up.

“I have to go to the bathroom, sorry” My legs gravitite to each other and I try to make myself as tiny as possible.

Once in the bathroom, I splash ice cold water in my face. But the second I closed my eyes, all I could see were his. It’s just a joke. It’s just a crazy guy. He’s just a homeless druggie. But it looks like he really saw something, I just let this guy die.

The HR woman entered the restroom, “Are you okay, Nancy?”

“I… yeah. Yeah yeah I’m alright”

“Nancy…”

“Really! I’m fine, I’m just feeling a bit sick. I think I need to go home.”

The HR lady nodded understangly, stepping out to clock me out for me. When she leaves, I push my back to the cool tile wall and try to fix my breathing.

Micheal comes home later that night and sees me laying on our bed watching Impractical Jokers and slurping down hot soup.

“What are you doing home early?” He dropped his bags and joined me on my marathon.

“Decided to stay home from what happened this morning.”

“Nancy, it was a joke.”

I didn’t even bother responding, I just shook my head and continued watching. He sighed, and put a hand on my shoulder.

“Babe, just promise you’ll go tomorrow.”

I sank my teeth into a chocolate chip cookie, “yeah”

We stayed like that for a while, both watching in silence with his hand on my shoulder.

“Mike, do you think I’m paranoid?” I pulled the cookie from my mouth and for the first time that day we locked eyes.

“I think you can get worked up over things that make people just a little anxious.”

I shoved the rest of the cookie in my mouth. I knew what the answer was going to be, but I’m still pissed about it.

The next morning I wore a similar outfit but with a thin black cardigan instead of blue. That was what I wore almost everyday, the only thing that changes is the cardigan. Even on fun-clothes-Friday.

When I stepped into the elevator, Dave also decided he wanted a lift despite swearing up and down walking is the best thing for his fitness.

“Hey Nance” he started but when I didn’t respond he awkwardly fumbled with his buttons.

“Look, about yesterday. I’m sorry If I made you uncomfortable, I just saw that my close friend was struggling and I wanted to comfort you.”

“It’s fine, Dan. I just was really sick is all” I anxiously clicked my pen.

“Oh! Great so, how about me and you get something to drink after work?”

“Dan.. I don’t know how my boyfriend is going to feel about that.”

Did he seriously just ask that? I’ve never wanted an elevator crash to occur so bad in my entire life.

“Even as pals? Are you implying we’re anything more or is he just those real jealous overprotective types? That’s what you’re into, huh?”

The elevator dinged, “Bye Dan”.

When I turned to face the floor I saw everyone huddled into the meeting room holding flowers and wiping their faces with tissues.

I spun back around to Dan,“What’s going on?”.

“You didn’t get the email this morning? Matthew Warren died yesterday and they’re holding like a workplace eulogy. Sad stuff”

My heart sank… it couldn’t possibly be the man from yesterday. I fought my way through the crowd of people swarming the eulogy.

A large photograph framed with a beautiful flower bouquet. The picture of Warren completely matched the man I saw yesterday, though he was smiling and his eyes were squinted closed.

“Oh god” I wanted to throw up. Was I spinning or was the room? Warren was one of my higher-ups so I never saw him often. Since I didn’t see him that much, I obviously didn’t put 2-2 together.

“Real sad man, did you know him well?”

“Dan… I was there when he died.I let him die..” tears spilled from my eyes and I hunched over, cradling myself while standing.

“What?”

Dread pushed my knees together. My head was a heavy bowling ball and my body was so hollow it could blow in the wind.

“No, Warren died of a heart attack in his home.”

“No.. I was… he was in the gas station running away from.. from someone. It doesn’t make sense but he was there, he was terrified.”

Dan narrowed his brows together, “Hey Nance, grief can do a lot of things to people-”

“You don’t believe me.”

“I didn’t say that. Let me take you home.” His hand gently grabbed mine.

“Don’t fucking touch me, Dan. Just get the fuck out of my face”

“Nance, he’s right. Warren died of a heart attack. There’s no way he could’ve been at a gas station yesterday. He was dead.” A coworker chimed in.

“Fuck both of you. Fuck all of you, I know what I saw.”

I was so brisk that my feet didn’t even touch the ground. My knuckles whitened on the steering wheel. It was fucking real, so why was everyone pretending it wasn’t?

When I reached the house, I immediately opened facebook. It took me a while to find him, but when I did I was met with his profile picture smiling at me. I used my cursor to cover his eyes and scrolled down his account. Normal vacation pictures, sunsets, cute dog pics, selfies.

I scrolled for a good 20 minutes, scanning his profile for anyone. No family, no close friends, no wife. It didn’t make any sense. So many posts for nobody to look at? I printed each individual post and scattered the papers on my bed for a closer look. This was not a heart attack.

“How did I know you’d be here?” Micheal leaned up against the door frame.

“What?”

“We made a deal, Nance.”

“Matthew Warren.”

“Who?”

“The man I saw yesterday.He’s a coworker.”

“See, I told you it was just a prank.”

“He’s dead, Mike.”

Mike paused, peering down at the papers of Warren sprawled around me.

“They’re saying it was a heart attack. He died peacefully in his home.”

“That’s very unfortunate”

“It’s very fake”

“Nance, how are you sure it’s the same guy?”

“I can’t forget that face…”

Mike scooped up my papers and crumbled them up together.

“WHAT THE HELL MICHEAL?!” I shrieked trying to fish the ball from his hands.

“I know your anxiety gets bad, but this is a new low Nancy. Even for you.”

ouch.

“So you think I’m lying too, huh? Now suddenly what happened yesterday was also my imagination?” I shoved his chest, and bit my tongue in an attempt to contain myself.

“Nancy, I was thinking that you should seek therapy for this. It’s becoming an issue”

“What the fuck are you even saying right now?! Why would I lie about this?”

“I don’t think you’re lying, I just think your brain is putting things in your head that aren't there. My sister had that happen and ever since she went to therapy-”

“I'M NOT CRAZY, MIKE.”

“Nancy, please. Just listen to me.”

“No… I’ve heard enough. I’m going to stay at a motel for the night, enjoy the house” I shoved past him and grabbed my laptop, wallet, and jacket.

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