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littleabriel-blog · 3 years

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My Problem with Loki

Loki is a character beloved by many people. He has been for a decade now, although some people who read comics before the Marvel Cinematic Universe was a thing were fans of him long before the first Thor came out. Over the years since his appearance in that movie the character has gone through a lot of changes, evolving from a villain to an anti-hero both in the MCU and in the comics, the latter even killing off his original incarnation to reincarnate him in a younger body resembling Tom Hiddleston in the hopes that the comics could capitalize on his popularity in order to sell more books. That move, unfortunately, did not bear fruit, with Loki’s solo series being canceled after only five issues. However, Loki remained popular in the movies, so much so that when he was killed off in Infinity War, people were pissed.

As a result of his enduring popularity, Kevin Feige and company decided to give Loki his own solo series on Disney+ when the decision was made to create a string of MCU tie-in shows to supplement the movies, and boost subscription numbers to Disney’s new streaming service. Fans of the character rejoiced. Finally, our favorite character was going to be in the spotlight, and not be merely a supporting character for Thor and hopefully not a butt monkey for the Avengers like he was in the third act of the movie of the same name. WandaVision and The Falcon and The Winter Soldier had previously had well-received and successful debuts on that same platform, and it was hoped that Loki would do the same. Loki turned out to be the most successful of the Disney+ MCU shows that have come out so far, scoring highest in the ratings. As of this writing, it holds a 93% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes and an 8.5 on IMDb.

Those numbers, however, don’t reflect the entire audience and there were a lot of people who were not altogether happy with the product we received. Many people who had been hardcore fans of Loki since Tom Hiddleston first put on the horned helmet were not pleased, myself included.

The show wasn’t all bad. It did set up the multiverse, introduced Kang, introduced Mobius. The special effects were outstanding, a lot of the gags were hilarious, and we did get some character development from Loki before the spotlight fell away from him and he became all about panting after the real main character...more on that in a few.

So many things, however, were wrong.

If you liked the show, thought it was perfect, and were a fan of the romance, that’s perfectly fine. There is no such thing as a wrong opinion on a work of fiction. Everyone has their interpretations, everyone has their likes and dislikes, and there is nothing wrong with liking the show. There is also nothing wrong with not liking the show. This is a concept that people on both sides of the debate fail to understand, and I have witnessed flame wars, harassment from individuals on both sides, harassment of creators on social media from both sides, and various bits of biphobia, homophobia, transphobia, and other assorted types of phobias on display. I have seen people accuse people who have different opinions on the show than them of “not being a true Loki fan” and stating that people who have certain interpretations of the character don’t “truly know Loki”.

I’m not here to do that, and I assure you, if you liked the show, that’s fine. You’re allowed to. I’m allowed to not like it, and I’m allowed to explained why I didn’t like it just as you’re allowed to explain why you did. As long as both of us are being respectful, expressing an opinion is good. There is expressing an opinion and offering constructive criticism, however, and then there is namecalling, trolling, and having a tantrum and accusing someone of being “aggressive” when they don’t share the same opinion you do.

There is a huge difference between saying “I find the character of Sylvie to be problematic, and here is why” and “I think fans of Sylvie are sick and need therapy”, and people need to learn the difference between the two. Unfortunately, you have people who have become very protective of their favorite characters and tend to take any criticism leveled at said characters personally. It’s basically “You don’t like them? Well then you don’t like me, and since you don’t like me, I don’t like you.” Which is, frankly, a dangerous mentality to have. We are talking about fictional characters, not real people, and there is no need to jump to the defense of someone who does not exist. It is those people who tend to demonstrate that they have unstable personalities and immaturity, and they are the ones I have started blocking on Twitter because, being an adult woman, I don’t have the patience to deal with immature nonsense like that.

So, if you read this and then decide you want to hunt me down to give me a piece of your mind, tell me that I’m not a “true” fan of Loki, and accuse me of whatever, don’t bother. This piece isn’t here for that. It’s here because I wanted to compile my thoughts and feelings in a way that would better for me to articulate. It’s more or less a venting mechanism, purely for my benefit. If someone else gets something out of it, fine. If the creators of the show happen to see it, which is very unlikely because A) I’m not exactly going to push it onto them on their social media to get them to read it and B) they already get bombarded with tons of opinions on the show on a daily basis and aren’t going to care about one more voice added to the mix, even one who has basically compiled a novel, then alright.

And it is a novel, because I have a lot to say about Loki. I have been a huge fan of the character since long before Tom Hiddleston began playing him. My first encounter with Marvel’s Loki came in the form of the X-Men comics, specifically The Asgardian Wars run. It’s available in trade, and you should check it out. I read that run when I was around 10 years old, and I enjoyed Loki as the bad guy in the two stories that make up the collection. The first has him creating a special wish fountain that has a monkey’s paw effect in that it imbues mortals with special gifts and powers, and has the potential to make Earth a better place, but at the cost of killing every magical person and being on Earth. The X-Men and Alpha Flight find out about this after a plane piloted by the wife of one of the X-Men happens to crash in the general location the fountain is located. The two teams go to investigate, Shaman and Snowbird who are both magical beings begin dying, it’s discovered Loki created the fountain in order to score brownie points with The Ones Who Sit Above In Shadow (a pantheon of deities who are basically the Gods to the Asgardians), and after a lengthy battle Loki is defeated, he shuts down the fountain under pressure from The Ones, and slinks back to Asgard with tail between his legs.

In the second story, set after the heroes of Earth had helped Asgard defeat Surtur, Loki’s attention is caught by Storm, who at the time was depowered. He kidnaps her and brings her to Asgard intending to use her to replace Thor as the Goddess of the Storm, and use her as a pawn to, what else, conquer Asgard and seize the throne.

I really enjoyed Loki then, and felt sorry that he never appeared in any other X-Men story, not even in an issue of the New Mutants, and that team boasted an actual Valkyrie (Danielle Moonstar) as one of its members. I was a kid at the time and read pretty much exclusively X-Men since those were the books my father purchased for me. I never felt right about asking him for other books since we were a family with money struggles and I didn’t want to be more of a burden by requesting Thor or Avengers comics--that, and I just didn’t find Thor or the Avengers all that interesting at the time, a sentiment shared by a lot of people until the first Iron Man made us actually care about Tony Stark. I wouldn’t have an opportunity to start reading more comics featuring Loki until I was an adult and able to visit comic book stores on my own. I read several runs that featured him as a character, including Ragnarok, the Broxton, OK run where Loki first appeared as a woman, Dark Reign, and finally Siege. I also went back and read Walt Simonson’s legendary run on The Mighty Thor, which I highly recommend.

Suffice it to say, I’ve been a fan of the character for a long time, and in fact when Tom Hiddleston was cast in the role for Thor, I remember thinking that he was too young. But then I figured it was Hollywood, of course they’re going to deage Loki so that he appears closer in age to his adopted brother in contrast to the comics pre-Siege where Loki was often drawn to look like he was as old as Odin and therefore could be Thor’s uncle or even father as opposed to brother.

Over the years I grew to enjoy the MCU’s version of the character, enjoy Tom Hiddleston in the role, and like most other people was greatly saddened by his death in Infinity War. Like other fans, I looked forward to his solo series and had high hopes for it. Hopes that were, unfortunately, dashed.

It Was Rushed

In the MCU, it took Loki years to go from troubled young god, to villain, to ambivalent ally, to anti-hero, to hero. Literally, years. Months had passed between the end of Thor and the beginning of Avengers during which Loki endured who-knows-what at the hands of Thanos. We don’t know exactly what still. The Loki series didn’t answer that, I guess because they didn’t want to devote precious screentime to an interesting backstory for what was supposed to be the main character when they could focus on something else instead. That something else will be elaborated on.

In Episode 1, Loki is still the villain from Avengers, something he would have remained as into The Dark World. It would take him being in Asgard’s prisons for a year and then him accidentally getting his adopted mother Frigga killed in order for him to begin to do a heel-face turn. From this, we can clearly see that a transition from ax-crazy bad guy to anti-hero is not going to happen overnight. For this person I shall call Ragnarok Loki, it was a process that took time. He suffered a complete mental breakdown while in Asgard’s prison, a fragile emotional state that was compounded by the anger and massive guilt he felt at Frigga’s death.

Even after that, he still hadn’t completely abandoned his villainous ways. At the end of The Dark World we find out that after faking his supposed death earlier in the movie, Loki has assumed Odin’s form and taken his place on Asgard’s throne. In Ragnarok, Loki is still sitting on the throne in Odin’s form, and shows no indication at all that he feels any remorse for giving his adopted father amnesia, stripping away his magic, and abandoning him on Earth to whatever fate he might meet. Loki remains a selfish bastard throughout Ragnarok until the third act, after Thor had treated him to a taste of his own medicine by sticking a taser on him and then giving him a speech about becoming predictable and complacent.

Loki’s arc was one that spanned four movies and six years, since in-universe there were a couple of years between The Dark World and Ragnarok. That meant that his character development took actual time and was realistic. It was one of the things that drew people to the character, the fact that he had a very relatable and believable redemption arc.

Compare that to Episode 1. In less than a day he goes from being the Loki that we saw in Avengers, batshit crazy, selfish, callous, and untrusting, to making personal confessions to a man he had just met only a couple hours previously and agreeing to help the organization that had arrested, stripped, imprisoned, tried, and almost executed him.

What?

I will give the show this: In Episode 2, he shows that he’s still up to his old tricks when he feeds Mobius and the agents all that horsecrap about how a Loki works in the Ren Faire tent, and then revealing that he plans to take over the TVA when he confronts his variant in the futuristic Wal-Mart. The weeping confession to Mobius, that I can’t really get over. How do you go from haughty, arrogant, and “trust is for children and dogs”, to “I don’t enjoy hurting people” in just a couple of hours? The show never indicated that it was a manipulation tactic on Loki’s part. Instead, we were basically told to believe that they became friends just that fast. That emotionally stunted and closed-off Loki made a connection with another person in a matter of hours. Makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I like Mobius and feel he makes a good foil for Loki. I hope to see more of him in the future. I just have a tough time finding their friendship all that believable.

This would not be the only relationship in the show that happened too fast that we were forced to just buy, which leads me to Sylvie.

She’s the variant that the TVA had been hunting, that Mobius recruited Loki to help capture. And while I normally hate it when people ascribe a certain label onto a new female character because reasons (ones that are usually misogynistic), I think it fits rather well in Sylvie’s case.

Enter The Mary Sue

Mary Sue is a term that gets thrown around a lot. To sum up the meaning in very simple terms, it refers to a character who is too perfect to be believable. Mary Sues are often author-self inserts in fiction, they’re usually the love interest for at least one male hero and it’s usually the male hero the author will admit to having a crush on, their scenes usually are presented much more descriptively than those of the other characters, the story will revolve around them often at the expense of the development and plots for the other characters of the story, and they’re presented as beautiful, powerful, intelligent, beautiful, special, strong, beautiful, and desirable. Yes, beautiful is on the list more than once, and it’s deliberate.

The term comes from an old Star Trek parody fanfic, and while it is usually applied to original characters in fan fiction, the term has been used to describe characters in canon media as well. Some examples of characters who have been described as Mary Sues would include Bella from the Twilight books, Felicity from the show Arrow, Jaenelle Angelline from Anne Bishop’s The Black Jewel novels, Sookie Stackhouse from True Blood, Rey from the last Star Wars trilogy, and Jean Grey from the X-Men comics. Note I do not necessarily agree that those characters are Mary Sues, I have merely heard these characters referred to as Mary Sues, and when I look at them objectively I can kind of see where the accusations come from. Some other terms that can apply are Creator’s Pet and of course Author Self-Insert. Not all Mary Sues are Author Self-Inserts, but a lot of them are. Also, not all characters who can be labeled Mary Sues are female, though they often are. The male version of a Mary Sue is called a Marty Stu, and a couple of characters I’ve seen get ascribed that label include Harry Potter, Daemon Sadi from Anne Bishop’s The Black Jewel novels, Edward from Twilight, and Red Hulk from Marvel Comics. Even Batman and Wolverine haven’t been immune from the Marty Stu stamp, although you can argue that it does apply in their cases especially depending on who’s writing them. Sometimes it is painfully obvious they are author self-inserts...the aforementioned Bella is a good example. Others, you can only speculate on. And while there are theories going around that Sylvie is someone’s self-insert, we don’t have definitive proof of that.

There are good arguments, however, for her being labeled a Mary Sue and Creator’s Pet.

First are her powers. In the show we are told that Sylvie taught herself magic, especially her ability to “enchant”, the power to get into the minds of others and manipulate them. The fact that she taught herself would indicate that her education and skill in using magic should be lacking, right? She should not be as good as, say, someone who learned magic from his foster mother who herself was taught by Asgardian witches?

Yet in the show, Sylvie not only runs circles around Loki magically wise, she even teaches him a few tricks. This is startlingly in contrast to the comics. Loki’s Sylvie is partially based on the character Sylvie Lushton from the Young Avengers, a bad guy who was once a normal girl whom Loki imbued with powers before his death at the hands of the Sentry during the events of 2010’s Siege storyline. In the comics, Loki not only gave Sylvie her powers, but he was the one who taught her how to use them. Now, of course things in the MCU are not going to follow the way things are in the comics. MCU Loki is nowhere near as old as comics Loki and has so far not demonstrated the ability to give other beings powers. And MCU Sylvie is a composite of Sylvie Lushton and Lady Loki, which is also problematic, but we’ll get to that.

But the point is that Sylvie had no training. Her magic is some improvised slapped-together stuff that at best she picked up here and there and at worst she just pulled out of her ass. Now, knowing that, we’re supposed to buy that she can mop the floor magically wise with someone who was formally trained by a sorceress? And that furthermore, she can school him as well?

To make up for her lack of experience and knowledge, Loki is nerfed. Power wise and intellectually wise, he is nerfed. In Thor and Avengers Loki is smart, well-spoken, and a master manipulator. At one point he is able to turn all of the Avengers against one another, and while his magic has never been anywhere near the level it was at in the comics pre-Siege (after his resurrection, he was powered down and is currently nowhere near the powerhouse he had been prior to 2011) he was able to pull off some impressive displays of skill nonetheless. Shape shifting, illusion casting, it was a good repertoire.

In Episode 3, however...well, he does use teleportation to some impressive affect during his fight with Sylvie, but he still doesn’t get the upperhand. And he should. Loki is a better trained fighter, better trained in sorcery, and realistically should have at the least managed to incapacitate his variant. He doesn’t however, because the moment he meets Sylvie his IQ drops about 20 points. He falls easily for her tricks, makes laughable plans, gets drunk and draws too much attention when he knows that is a bad idea, and manages to get them both stuck on a moon that will soon be dust courtesy of the rogue planet about to crash into it. Loki has made some blunders in the various MCU movies he’s been in, mostly due to his own arrogance and tendency to underestimate his foes, but he’s not that stupid. In fact, in The Dark World he screams at Thor and calls him an idiot for drawing attention to themselves by hijacking an elven ship and crashing into every column and statue within a fifty-foot radius.

Where exactly is that smart, calculating, more careful Loki we know from the films? He’s been transformed and dumbed down, in an attempt to prop Sylvie up. It’s a tired trope, making the male character a dumbass in order to make the female character look good. Well, I should say male-presenting and female-presenting characters in this case, but their supposed gender fluidity really is not represented well and it’s completely contradicted later on, but we’ll get to that.

Anyway, making the male character stupid in order to make the female character look better by comparison is not empowering. It’s insulting. It implies that women are not smart or capable enough to meet men on equal footing, that the only way we can shine is not by virtue of our own strengths, but merely by making us look better than the men.

She doesn’t just outshine Loki intellectually and power wise, she outshines him period. The show from Episode 3 on becomes about Sylvie. She is the show’s main focus, and Loki? He’s relegated to the role of supporting character in the series that’s named after him. Supporting character, and love interest. From Episode 3 on, the show might as well be called Sylvie.

Now, some people will say that since Sylvie is a Loki, the show was indeed focusing on Loki. The problem is, the show is very inconsistent as to whether or not Sylvie really is a Loki or a different person entirely. I will explain more later, but the writers seem to change Sylvie’s identity to suit whatever narrative they want to present to the audience, including the pre-Pixar Disney romance they foist upon us.

The Romance, and why some find it gross

One major characteristic of the Mary Sue is that she always draws the romantic and sexual interest of the main male character, who may or may not be a Marty Stu himself. Oftentimes he’s not, and Loki does not fit the criteria of a Marty Stu by any stretch of the imagination. These romances always happen fast with little to no buildup. There is no what writers of romance call “slow burn”, it’s just throw Mary at the male character, hook them up, and get the audience to buy it. Basically, it’s reminiscent of the romance stories in the Classical Era Disney animated films. Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella all fall madly in love with their princes within minutes of meeting them. There’s no getting to know each other, there is no preamble, there is no slow courtship, no real drama to speak of. It’s basically Love At First Sight or True Love. This trend continues even into the Disney Renaissance. In The Little Mermaid, Ariel is willing to make a deal with a witch to give up her fins for a prince she hasn’t even spoken to yet. He doesn’t even know she exists, and she leaves her home and family behind, gives up her voice, all for a mere shot at hooking up with him.

That’s not love, that’s lust. That’s hormones overruling your brain, and it’s an insulting trope, one that feminists have railed against for years. Disney has made a little progress. The movie Frozen took the mickey out of the Love At First Sight/True Love trope with the song “Love Is An Open Door” and the prince Anna wanting to marry turning out to be a major sleazebag who just wants to use her, but we still only have three Disney princesses (Elsa, Moana, and Merida) who have never had love interests and two (Anna and Rapunzel) whose love stories come close to being slow burns, out of 12 official Princesses. There’s still a long way to go, and boy is there a major step backwards in Loki.

In Episode 3, Loki fights Sylvie and they end up on Lamentis 1. Sylvie spends a good portion of the time insulting and trying to kill Loki, and Loki finds himself having to defend himself from her. That changes once they get on the train going to the Arc. After sneaking aboard the train using a disguise and a flimsy story, the two Lokis sit in a booth, where Loki proceeds to drink champagne. It is then that, out of nowhere, the conversation shifts from how Sylvie learned her powers to the topic of love.

Why? Why would you bring that up in conversation with someone who was doing her best to kill you a couple hours prior?

Then Loki makes things worse by asking Sylvie if she has a beau waiting for her. Why? It doesn’t make sense. The two of you are at each other’s throats, she’s done her best to kill you, neither of you trusts the other, and, completely out of left field, you decide to basically ask “So...are you single?”

Now, enemies to lovers is a trope that can work when done right. Typically, it’s a very subtle, slow progression that the audience witnesses over time in a novel, movie or television series. Weeks and even months will go by in the narrative during which the two people go from wanting each other dead to developing feelings for one another. There’s usually a “will they, won’t they period” that lasts for some time that’s full of teases and flirting before the couple does hook up and gives the audience the resolution. Done in this way, enemies to lovers can work.

This...this is not the right way to do enemies to lovers. Within a couple of hours Loki and Sylvie go from hatred and doing their damnedest to stabbing one another in the backs, to having a connection that causes a nexus event?

By the way, that nexus event makes no sense. In Episode 2, it is established that it is impossible to create a nexus event in an apocalypse. It is why Sylvie was able to avoid capture by the TVA for so long. In fact, just minutes prior to the two of them almost dying in Episode 4, Sylvie flat-out says that she figured out that she needed to hide in apocalypses because she discovered she didn’t create a nexus event when she hid in them.

Now the two of them are able to create a nexus event in the midst of an apocalypse? Why? Their “connection” isn’t going to lead to any consequences...they were about to die. No one else need never have known about the “moment” the two of them shared. It’s very confusing and the only purpose it really serves is to paint Loki and Sylvie as soulmates, which doesn’t make sense in the context of the show. The concept of soulmates is that for every person, there is someone out there they are predestined to be with. Loki is a show that, at the core of it, is about rejecting predestination and embracing free will. In that context, the idea of soulmates is ludicrous and contradictory to the message that we make our own destiny. This is why True Love is unrealistic, and I hate to break it to you romantics out there, but Love At First sight does not exist.

Infatuation At First Sight exists, but that is not Love, no matter what your hormones are telling you. Love takes time to evolve, and it takes work to maintain. It sure as hell doesn’t happen after less than 12 hours of knowing each other, during which a huge chunk of time was devoted to trying to manipulate, outsmart, and murder the person you’re supposedly in love with. No one falls in love in less than 12 hours, period, unless it’s a Classical Era Disney animated movie. They basically turned Loki into a big Disney Romance trope. I have a very hard time buying that Loki, who we have established is emotionally stunted and closed off, would form a love connection in just a few hours, especially with someone who was doing her best to murder him in that timespan.

That is not the only reason this relationship is problematic. The term “Selfcest” has been thrown around, and a lot of defenders of this particular ship claim that the term was very recently made up in social media for the sole purpose of badmouthing this particular romance. That is not the case. Selfcest is a term that has existed among fiction writers for years, it’s just that more people have recently become aware of it thanks to this show. The trope has been used and referred to in various works of fiction, especially in fantasy and science fiction where cloning, alternative universes, and magic occur. A lot of the insults I get from people who can’t stand that I don’t like the romance basically go along the lines of saying selfcest doesn’t exist. No, it doesn’t...in reality. But this isn’t reality, is it? It’s fiction. It’s a fictional world where such a thing could be possible, and even in works where it’s not possible it’s often alluded to.

In A Song Of Ice And Fire, we have the infamous twincest relationship going on between Cersei and Jamie Lannister, and it is heavily implied that sleeping with her brother is the closest that Cersei can get to banging herself and that is why she does it. Jamie is basically everything she feels she should have been and was denied due to being born a woman. In fact, in later books when he reunites with her after having been away from King’s Landing for over a year, during which time he’s grown a beard and shaved his head, Cersei no longer finds him as attractive since they no longer look as much alike.

And with advances in cloning, selfcest might be possible in the future. We already have sex robots, and people with money are capable of making those robots look like themselves. There is nothing stopping them from doing it.

Knowing all of this, the argument of “selfcest doesn’t exist!” falls flat. And it especially falls flat when you’re referring to a fictional universe where a large purple man once killed off half the population of said universe with a snap of his fingers, where scientists turn into giant green monsters, the Norse gods not only exist but regularly interact with people on Earth, and there’s such a thing as a Sorcerer Supreme.

As I have said, the show has been rather inconsistent in stating what exactly Sylvie’s identity is. One moment, we are told Sylvie is a Loki and that she and Loki are the same person. Mobius says it, Kang says it multiple times, Judge Renslayer says it, the director and the writers state it in interviews. But then in the next breath, they contradict it by saying that she’s not a Loki, she’s Sylvie and a different person.

You can’t have it both ways. Which is it? Either she’s a Loki, or she’s not. The narrative is very confusing and it changes depending on how they want us to see Sylvie, especially in relation to her romance with Loki. It’s so much easier to avoid the selfcest/incest accusations when you can say they are different people. But then they say they’re the same person. Make up your minds!

Since the show first established that Sylvie is a Loki, I’m going with that. Especially since we saw a bit of her backstory. She grew up in Asgard as a member of the royal family, which means she had Odin as a father, Frigga as mother, and Thor as brother. She may or may not have the same DNA as Loki. We never got confirmation either way, and there are people who argue that they don’t to which I have to ask: How do you know? The show never tells us! “Oh, well, there’s Alligator Loki, are you going to say he has the same DNA as well?” Well, we are never told how exactly Alligator Loki came to be. Is he actually an alligator, or is he Loki who somehow got permanently stuck when he shapeshifted? People tend to forget that he can do that. Ragnarok established that he can turn into a snake, and a deleted scene actually had the childhood story go that Loki turned into a rug to cover a hole in the ground and then dumped Thor into it. There is the scene where Doctor Strange drops Loki through a portal, and Thor is left poking at a business card, and it is clear that for a moment he thinks that Loki turned into that. We know Loki can shapeshift, so Alligator Loki can very well have the same DNA. We just don’t know, because the show never explains it for the same reason the show cut out the scenes with Throg fighting Loki...to devote more screentime to Sylki.

Even if they don’t have the same DNA, it’s still established that they are the same person, they have the same family, they’re both the God/dess of Mischief, and even Sylvie herself acknowledges that she is a Loki despite the fact that she changed her name. So selfcest very much applies here, and a good argument can be made that selfcest is the ultimate in incest...after all, there isn’t anyone else you’re more related to than yourself. It is very understandable, therefore, that a lot of people would be very, very uncomfortable with such a relationship. Having the same DNA would merely be the icing on the very gross cake.

Furthermore, just because selfcest does not exist in reality does not mean someone can’t find the concept distasteful. “It’s not real!” “It’s just fiction!” Yes, and people are allowed to have their own feelings and opinions on fiction. If they find the idea of selfcest hard to stomach, that’s their prerogative and you really have no right to tell them they are wrong for feeling that way. They should not have to justify to anyone why they feel that way either. No one owes you an explanation for why they find real world incest or cannibalism distasteful, so they don’t owe you an explanation for this.

“Well, of course Loki would fall for himself...he’s a narcissist!” Is he though? Is he really? Having dealt with my fair share of narcissists in my life, I have to wonder if the fans who say that, along with the writers, know what a narcissist really is.

Is Loki a narcissist?

Bringing up Cersei Lannister again, the novels she appears in establishes that she is an extreme narcissist. She sleeps with her twin brother because it’s the closest she can come to sleeping with herself, and she desires to do that because she is a narcissist. A narcissist is someone whose personality is defined by an inflated sense of self-importance, troubled relationships, lack of empathy for others, and an excessive deep-seated need for attention and admiration. It’s a very simplistic definition, and there are plenty of YouTube videos devoted to delving into narcissists into more depth, as well as videos on how to cope with the aftermath of abuse at the hands of narcissists. Narcissists are so devoted to themselves that they ignore the needs and the feelings of those in their lives, which often results in abusive behavior. There are entire support groups that exist for victims of narcissists.

At first glance, one can see why some might consider Loki a narcissist. He does engage in some pretty selfish behavior, he goes to great lengths to get attention, his relationships to his family are indeed fraught with drama, and he seems to have a pretty overinflated ego. He even goes so far as to write a play featuring himself as the central character, and build a giant golden statue of himself after taking over Asgard in the guise of Odin. But really, is his ego truly that big? Or he is overcompensating for his self-hatred and self-disgust?

Loki suffered quite the emotional blow when he found out his true heritage, a revelation that shook him to his very core. Of course, his relationship with his father suffered as a result...the man lied to him for his entire life. Their relationship really was not that great even before that since Odin found it easier to relate to Thor, who was more like him in personality, than to Loki, who was more cerebral and quieter. Loki’s relationship to Frigga fared much better. He’s quick to forgive her involvement in covering up the truth about his parentage, and it is obvious that they are close. Even his relationship with Thor prior to the events of the movie is not all that bad, the two brothers are affectionate and playful, and when Loki interrupts Thor’s coronation, it’s not just for the sake of creating trouble, but to postpone Thor taking the crown for another little while because he is not fit to rule. At the time Thor had yet to go through his character development arc on Earth and he was still an overly arrogant, bloodthirsty, elitist douchebag, so Loki really had a good point.

A true narcissist would have done what Loki did just for the sake of making life difficult for Thor. Also, he would have done it because he wanted the throne. Loki states repeatedly that he never wanted to rule. A true narcissist would have been all smiles about taking the throne instead of being reluctant about it as Loki was when Frigga handed him Gungnir.

Throughout the films, and in the first episode of the series, we see that Loki does indeed love his family and is capable of feeling guilt over the things that he does to them, intentionally or not. Narcissists typically don’t feel remorse. As far as they are concerned, they are perfect and can do no wrong, so they have nothing to feel bad about. If they hurt you, it’s because you deserved it. You shouldn’t have provoked their ire.

Loki feels bad for getting Frigga killed, and then later on Odin. Then he is in tears when Odin dies, and later at the mere thought of never seeing Thor again when the two brothers talk in an elevator on Sakaar. Those are not the actions of someone who is incapable of loving anyone but himself, as I’ve seen so many people claim about him. And the fact that he sacrificed himself to save his brother also kind of kills the whole “narcissist” narrative.

In Episode 1, Loki breaks down and confesses to Mobius that he doesn’t like hurting people. He does it because it’s part of the façade, and admits that he sees himself as weak. A few episodes later, he admits to a memory illusion Sif that he craves attention “because I’m a narcissist” and admits to being afraid of being alone. That is far more self-reflection than a typical narcissist is capable of in my experience. As I said, narcissists tend to think they are perfect. A true narcissist would never admit to having any flaws, and sure as hell would never admit that they are a narcissist. As far as the true narcissist is concerned, if you find them flawed in any way, that’s on you. The narcissist has no need for self-reflection because they honestly see nothing wrong with themselves, and believe that they don’t need to change...it’s everyone else who does.

A good real-life example from my past is a former friend I’ll call D. D was a self-proclaimed brat who was quite proud of the fact that she could be difficult to be in a relationship with and tended to go through men like tissue paper. She was demanding, self-centered, extremely jealous, manipulative, and prone to wild mood swings. She could and did go from zero to insane at the drop of a hat. In the time I knew her, she left a string of burnt guys behind, and according to her it was because they just weren’t man enough to handle her. She also left behind a string of broken former friends, to the point where there really needed to be a support group for former friends of D who suddenly had her turn them into Public Enemy Number 1 when they either started taking attention away from D, or...well, that was it really. As I said, she was a very jealous person and had a chronic need to be the center of attention, especially if there were men around. Anyway, instead of working on herself to become less self-involved, self-absorbed, and more empathetic, she double downed on her abrasiveness and constant need for attention until she finally wore the poor man down and he either ghosted her or outright dumped her. She never broke up with them, preferring to keep them around for as long as they were willing in order to toy with them as a cat does with a mouse. I tried to talk to her about her horrible behavior, but instead of taking my constructive criticism and maybe using it to make some needed changes, she completely turned on me and did her best to make my life hell until I finally cut her out of it. I learned two things: Narcissists don’t want help because they don’t feel they need it and they are never going to change as a result, and never, ever try to confront a narcissist. It’ll only end badly.

A more famous example? Former US President Donald Trump. I won’t get into that, because really all you need to do is perform a quick Google search to see what all he’s done and witness his narcissism on full display. But really, place him side by side with Loki. Do you see any similarities at all? Maybe on the surface, but when you go deeper...no. Loki is not a narcissist. He’s capable of deep self-reflection, owns his faults, is capable of loving others, and feels remorse. I would argue that anyone who says he is a narcissist, either does not know the character, or hasn’t ever actually dealt with a narcissist in real life, to which I can only say: Lucky you.

I honestly would argue that calling Loki a narcissist is actually doing a disservice to victims of abuse from actual narcissists.

What about Sylvie? Well, in contrast to Loki who does show remorse while Mobius is playing that “This Is Your Life” reel for him, Sylvie shows no remorse or regret. She knows that the TVA agents she kills are as much victims as she is. They are innocent variants who were kidnapped from Earth and forced to work for the TVA after having their memories wiped. She knows this, yet the first time we see her she burns a bunch of TVA agents alive, and she just stands there watching as they scream in agony. In the next episode she says right out that she’s “having some fun” while possessing the body of C-90 and murdering more agents. She is not at all sorry about doing what she did, and we’re supposed to be understanding since she was kidnapped as a child. Okay, but the entire TVA didn’t do that. The agents she kills didn’t personally kidnap her. The only one we see who was directly involved in that is Renslayer. Sylvie “did what she had to do”, fine. But she doesn’t feel bad about it, at all. The flashback to her as a child takes great pains to try to show us what a good person she is when she cries out “Help him!” as another prisoner is being beaten, but I guess she grew out of it.

We don’t know if Sylvie has any other narcissistic traits besides lack of remorse because, well, the show really doesn’t do much to show her personality. Other than killing people, trying to kill Loki, and then flirting with Loki, we just don’t really see much to her. It’s another trait of a Mary Sue. Mary Sues often have bland, one-dimensional personalities. After all, their only purpose is usually to serve as love interests for one or more male characters. Mary Sues break the “show, don’t tell” rule by having the other characters verbally inform us about their traits, usually while singing their praises, but we don’t actually see those traits in the Mary Sue herself.

Loki calls Sylvie “amazing”, but how amazing is she, really? She kills people she knows are victims, she endangers the timeline just to sneak into the TVA, and then she kills Kang despite knowing that there is a very good chance that doing so could unleash something far, far worse than him. Then again, it doesn’t have to make sense when you’re pushing an unwanted and unasked for romance on an audience who was expecting a scifi show, not a romance.

I have spoken in a few places about this. Romance is fine, but in a show that blatantly places itself in the scifi genre, it really should only be the background, not center stage. When I expressed this opinion, I got accused of being dismissive of an essential part of the human experience. Well, first of all, congratulations: You just invalidated the existence of people on the asexual and aromantic spectrums, not to mention people who are celibate by choice. Second, that is why we have the romance genre. To tell stories centered around romance. I like romance, I read romance novels, and I sometimes write romantic fiction. But there are some places where it just is not appropriate.

There are people who say that adding romance makes things more interesting. Nope, in those cases it’s just a smokescreen, something used to hide plot holes and distract us from just how empty the story really is. Writers like to say that if you need a romance to make things more interesting, then you really don’t have much of a story in the first place. And sadly, Loki does have some plot holes. The nexus event on Lamentis is a good example, and the romance is definitely used to distract us from that. People were so focused on “oh wow, they’re having a moment, they’re soulmates!” that they didn’t think “waitaminute...didn’t they say that nexus events can’t occur in apocalypses?”

We really did not need a romance in Loki. Period. It was unnecessary, it was distracting, a lot of people found it disturbing, and it actively hurt a marginalized group.

Loki Is A Queer Icon!...maybe

I am not going to say that the relationship between Loki and Sylvie is not a bisexual one. A bisexual relationship is a bisexual relationship regardless of whether or not the person the bisexual person is with is the opposite sex. Saying otherwise is biphobic. Biphobic people in both the straight and the queer communities have been excluding bisexual people who happen to be in opposite sex relationships for years because apparently one stops being bisexual once they get into a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. This is horseshit. I’ve been in relationships with CIS men, did I stop being attracted to other men, women, nonbinary, genderfluid, agender, and other genderqueer people? No. No, I didn’t, because while I was entangled, I was not dead. Heterosexual people don’t stop being attracted to other members of the opposite sex when they are in relationships, it’s no different with queer people.

So, stop saying that Loki and Sylvie are not a bisexual relationship. You’re not doing us any favors at all, and in fact you’re only helping the biphobes who want to kick us out of Pride and other queer spaces for daring to date members of the opposite sex.

I will address the “Bit of both” line however. In Episode 3, Loki has that response to Sylvie’s questioning about whether there had been any would-be princesses or princes in his life. Again, a conversation that comes out of nowhere. She stated outright that she didn’t trust him, clearly wanted him dead, and now she’s asking if he’s single. Whatever.

Anyway, people went nuts when Loki answered “A bit of both”. It was confirmation that Loki was bisexual, it was celebrated on social media...and it is really biphobic and Kate Herron, who is bisexual herself, really should have known better.

Biphobic people have long tried to sow division between the bi and trans communities (unsurprisingly, biphobia and transphobia tend to go hand-in-hand) by saying that the concept of being bisexual is transphobic. “Bi” means two, ergo bisexual people are only attracted to two genders, specifically CIS men and CIS women. It never occurs to anyone that the “two genders” a bisexual person could be attracted to could be, say, women (and yes, I include trans women in that, since they are in fact women, get over it) and non-binary people, or agender and gender-fluid people, it’s always CIS men and CIS women. This despite the fact that the definition of bisexual has been “attraction to more than one gender” since long before the Bisexual Manifesto was put out in 1990.

Some people have tried to remedy this by adopting the moniker of “pansexual” instead, which A) is basically reinforcing what biphobes are saying about bisexuals and creating even more division and B) doesn’t just mean “attraction to trans people as well, I’m not transphobic, I promise!” “Pansexual” is not interchangeable with “bisexual”. Pansexual is attraction to all genders. Bisexual means attraction to more than one gender, but not necessarily to all genders. You can have a bisexual person, for instance, who is attracted to all genders except for men. If you are attracted to more than one gender, but not to all genders, you are bisexual, and labeling yourself pansexual is lying and basically caving in to the biphobes.

I’m not trying to police what people call themselves...if you want to use the two terms interchangeably, if you want to call yourself bisexual, or pansexual, it’s fine. But just evaluate the reasons why. Are you calling yourself pansexual because you really think you can be, or are you just calling yourself that out of fear of being labeled transphobic? The latter, in my opinion, is not a really good reason, and it only helps deliver the biphobic message that bisexual people are transphobic.

So, by saying “a bit of both”, Loki is really helping to reinforce that biphobic assertion that bisexual people are attracted just to CIS men and CIS women. It’s disappointing, but it is Disney so I suppose that is the best we can expect for now. It just shows that Disney really has a long way to go.

What’s more problematic is the supposed genderfluid representation. Now, I am a CIS woman. As such, I feel unqualified to really say that the representation is shitty and fluidphobic. However, if I’m not qualified to say that it is, then Kate Herron and the writers are unqualified to say that it isn’t. Rule of thumb: If members of a marginalized group are telling you that you did a poor job of representing them and that you are being transphobic or fluidphobic, instead of ignoring and dismissing their concerns like a good portion of the population already does, it’s a really good idea to listen to what they are saying and learn how you can do better.

There have been some genderfluid and trans people who expressed that they liked the show, and good for them. But I have seen a lot of very valid criticisms and concerns from genderfluid and trans people about the representation on the show, and I think they really should be listened to. Kate, you and I are queer, but we are still CIS women. Ergo, we have no say in whether or not the way you attempted to present Loki’s gender fluidity is transphobic. If genderfluid people say it’s fluidphobic or trans people say it’s transphobic, then it is indeed fluidphobic/transphobic. To say otherwise is gaslighting a marginalized community who already faces gaslighting on a daily basis.

I will touch on a couple of things.

First, in Episode 5, Loki asks a bunch of his variants if they have ever encountered a female version of themselves, a question that is met with varying levels of incredulousness and even disgust. If Loki was truly genderfluid, this question wouldn’t have been asked. Genderfluid means the person shifts genders along the spectrum. Loki does this in the comics. Comicbook Loki switches between masculine and feminine presenting on the drop of a dime, especially in his current incarnation. Loki in the MCU we are told is also genderfluid, and should also be able to hop along the gender spectrum on a whim. There should not be a “female variant” therefore, since they are all the same gender. There could be a female presenting variant, but that is not the same thing. They would still be all genderfluid in that case. Also, Sylvie’s nexus event would not have been “being born the Goddess of Mischief”. Okay, the show never actually says that is the nexus event that led to her being arrested, but it heavily implies it. If Sylvie is a Loki, and as a Loki is genderfluid, her being the “Goddess” of Mischief should never have been an issue since they can change genders anyway.

Second, making Lady Loki a separate person is problematic. A lot of genderfluid people felt that this move invalidated their identity by basically showing that the same person cannot indeed be different genders along the spectrum. I don’t feel I’m totally qualified to really get into this. I will just say that if you’re going to write a genderfluid character, maybe at least get an actual genderfluid person to advise in the writing room.

Third, there is a transphobic movement called trans exclusionary radical feminism. You might have heard of it. Unfortunately, it is a very widespread movement that has done a lot of harm to the trans community, successfully blocking funding to organizations that help trans people, blocking laws that would benefit trans people, and the movement includes celebrities like Graham Linehan and JK Rowling.

One of the weapons they like to use against trans women is the concept of “autogynephilia”. It is basically the sexual fetish of becoming aroused from thinking of oneself as a woman. Many, many of these transphobic “feminists” love to say that trans women are merely men who have this particular sexual fetish.

It’s bullshit of course. Maybe there is a small segment of the male population that has that fetish, but trans women are not included in that. For trans women, things like dressing as women, changing their names, having state and federal issued IDs that say they are female, and being able to use the restrooms and change rooms that match the gender they actually are as opposed to the one they were assigned at birth is not a matter of sexual arousal. It’s a matter of making their external realities match their internal ones. It’s a matter of validation of their identities as women. Sexual gratification has nothing to do with it.

Now, Loki is not trans, but genderfluid people do tend to fall under the trans umbrella. We have Loki, a supposedly genderfluid individual and masculine presenting, falling head over heels in love with a feminine presenting version of himself. Maybe it’s just me, but it just seems like a form of autogynephilia to me.

Way to go, Kate...you just gave the TERFs more ammo.

One more note: At one point, Kate tweeted a list of the different Loki emojis, and “jokingly” included #FiretruckLoki with an emoji of a firetruck. Kate, you do realize that a “joke” transphobes love to harp on is that they can identify as an attack helicopter, right?

It’s his way of learning self-love!

That is not how you learn self-love.

First, the people who are making this argument often contradict themselves by then saying that Sylvie is a different person. Again, make up your minds. Either Sylvie is the same person as Loki, or she’s not. You can’t have it both ways, and you can’t continue to change the narrative to fit whatever it is you want to shove down the audience’s throats.

Second, romantic love and self-love are two different things entirely. Loki isn’t feeling self-love with Sylvie, he’s feeling romantic love. That’s not learning self-love. That's narcissism, and it’s character regression in his case. He’s supposed to be evolving past being a self-centered, egotistical shitweasel, and falling in love with a variant of himself makes him, as Mobius put it, “a seismic narcissist”. It’s not character development.

Third, this argument tends to come in the same breath as saying that Loki is a narcissist so of course he would fall for a variant of himself. If Loki is a narcissist though, why would he need to learn self-love? Narcissists already love themselves, that is the very definition of the word. If Loki needs to learn self-love, that would imply that he actually hates himself, which is the opposite of narcissism. Again, the writers and the fans who make these arguments when they feel the need to defend this relationship need to make up their minds. Either he’s a narcissist and therefore already loves himself too much, or he hates himself and needs to learn to love himself. It’s once again changing the narrative to fill a plothole.

Fourth, the whole learning self-love and trust narrative is completely thrown out the window in Episode 6 when Sylvie decides to toy with Loki’s emotions, using his feelings for her against him by kissing him as a distraction so she could grab Kang’s temp pad and toss Loki back to the TVA. To Sylvie, her revenge was more important than the bond she had with him. The move basically set Loki’s progress back several steps. What little progress he made anyway.

TL:DR, is there hope for Season 2?

Whew, this went on for a while, didn’t it? Told you I had a lot to say.

As I have said, if you liked the first season of Loki and think I am completely full of shit, that’s fine and it’s your prerogative. More power to you.

But, and this is a huge but, that does not give you the right to harass and bully people who did not like it.

I have witnessed horrible things from both sides of the now split Loki fandom on social media. Harassment and even death threats towards the creators. Telling people who don’t like the Loki and Sylvie relationship that they need to drink bleach. Homophobic attacks. Gatekeeping.

There’s constructive criticism and sharing your opinions, and then there is...this.

Both sides need to chill.

Anyway.

Even though Kate Herron has left the show, Michael Waldron is still the showrunner and as such I am not altogether optimistic for Season 2. I would like to see more emphasis on Loki himself for that season. Yes, it’s a novel thought, wanting a show that is called Loki to actually be about Loki, but here we are.

I would like to see actual character development in Loki rather than the old “true love transforms bad boy and conquers all” trope. There is a reason Disney has started to abandon that trope in their animated movies. They’ve been getting dragged about it for decades.

If Sylvie must return, there needs to be some actual consistency surrounding her character. The show needs to decide if she is a Loki or not and stick with whichever one they decide. And seriously, no more romance. Frankly, after what she pulled in Episode 6, I will be severely disappointed if the writers have Loki crawling back to her. That would make him pathetic, and Loki deserves better.

Really, Loki does not need a romance, period. He’s too emotionally immature, he has a lot of character growth to go through, and a romance would do nothing but be a distraction and an impediment to that growth. Anyone who got married too young can confirm that it is important to learn more about yourself and figure yourself out before you even think of getting involved with another person, who should not be your whole world. The Loki and Sylvie romance was reminding me of Classic Disney in another not-good way in that the two of them, especially on Loki’s side, were starting to revolve around one another and that does not make for a healthy relationship. Again, turning Loki into a Disney Prince (or, seeing as how he’s supposed to be genderfluid, Princess). Stop it.

Again, the romance was a smokescreen. It was a distraction from just how thin the plot was. Please, for the love of G-d, give more focus to the actual plot.

Do some research and talk to some psychologists for healthy ways Loki can “learn self-love" and develop as a character. If Ragnarok Loki can do it without relying on a romance with a variant with himself, then surely TVA Loki can pull it off.

Speaking of talking to people, listen to the concerns of the trans and genderfluid fans. Listen, talk to them, maybe get a couple in the writer’s room. CIS people should not write genderfluid people, and this season is a good example of why.

Please remember that Loki is not an idiot. Yes, he has pulled some fast ones and hasn’t been the greatest planner, but he is not downright stupid like he was in season 1.

And...really that’s all I have. As I have said, this thesis really wasn’t about making suggestions to the creators because I seriously doubt they will ever even see this. This was more less me screaming into the void, venting because I was that upset about what I saw as character assassination happening to one of my favorite characters. Keeping all of this in was proving to be bad for my blood pressure.

I am attached to the character, have been for years. Loki is just one character in the MCU who I love, who I want to see done right. I had been looking forward to his solo series for a very long time, and the disappointment I felt was something that I just couldn’t keep in. I kept my mouth shut when they killed off Tony Stark for no reason other than that Ronnie Downey, Jr. didn't want to renew his contract. I didn’t say anything at the Russo Brothers’ “happy ending” for Steve Rogers, even though I feel it made no sense and is a massive plot hole.

What they did to Loki, however...I couldn’t keep silent.

#loki series negativity #anti sylki

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demonwriterx · 4 years

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Epithet Erased:A show centered around Kindness (and Barriers!)

*teleports behind you*

Epithet Erased was created by Branden Blaber, a guy known around Youtube by the name of JelloApocolypse He is known for his famous comedy sketch series of “This is basically...” where he takes a certain show, video game or social media and makes them into parodies, now he had created an original series called Epithet Erased, escluviely being premiered on VRV and on Youtube!

The summary of Epithet Erased will make anyone new to the series interested enough to check out the episodes.

Epithet Erased is set in the world of Sweet Jazz City, where a lucky few are born with powers attached to their very souls known as “Epithets”. An Epithet stems from a single word attached to a users soul that can grant them any kind of power. Words like “Fire,” “Coupon” or … “Soup”. A magical artifact known as the “Arsene Amulet” is rumored to be able to steal an epithet away from its user, and they say it’s hidden somewhere in the Sweet Jazz Museum. Thieves burst down the doors in the middle of the night! Inscribed warriors do battle in the dark of the abandoned exhibits! Dinosaur bones come toppling to the floor! And a little girl named Molly is trapped in the middle of it all. Will her epithet, “Dumb” be enough to save her? Or will her epithet be… erased?

I stumbled across Epithet Erased a little late to the party with three of the episodes already released on JelloApocolypse’s channel. Even being a subscriber, I never got around to it until I decided to sit down and watch the first episode. But now, I wished I would have seen it sooner because of how much I love Epithet Erased!

Epithet Erased is centered around the world of Epithets where certain people gain epithets, but only around one word. Many Epithet users have very powerful Epithets that they use for battle, protection, healing or even turning things into gold. But one main character, Molly, descibes her epithet as useless and “dumb” because it literally is her Epithet! Her Epithet is “dumb” which means that she can “dumb” down anything into literally nothing or just to negate attacks or special abilities. Epithets can also give people special passive abilities, one example is from Molly herself which she can make a bubble of silence around herself and others, as long as they are in the bubbles’ radius.

Epithet Erased has a unique narration style and animation. Their animation budget is small as it feels more like a motion comic without the speech bubbles, but don’t let sway your opinion of it as the voice cast, art style and storytelling carries the series into comedic satisfaction. The episodic series go through arcs and the first 4 episodes take place in a museum! Where characters fight over the mysterious arsenic amulet which can steal other people’s epithets and gives it to the user.

Epithet Erased also does a top down narration, where the audience is looking down on the characters as the characters are moving around as profile boxes. If I would describe it, it is similar to a DnD board, which I suspect Epithet Erased was inspired from and also known RPG mechanics as most users of epithets run on stamina and creativity.

Let’s introduce some characters and the face of the series, Molly.

Molly is 12 years old, and works in her family’s toy shop! (sometimes all on her own, because her father is worthless garbage...but let’s not get into that now) Molly has issues with her self-esteem which stems from the fact that she has to be the adult in her family since she cannot count on her father and sister. It all stems from the fact that the family fell apart from the death of her mother five years prior, ever since then, Molly has been the one to keep her family going. Molly wears a bear hoodie at all time because it was created by her mother. But even with problems at home, Molly is genueriely nice (and secretly savage, mostly savage....you’ll see). She cares about others, likes to talk to them, and understands what is going on in their point of view. She is struggling to be more assertive, but she is getting there!

Giovanni (one of my favorite characters so far!) is the leader of the Notorious BONZAI BLASTERS! A group of rapscallion and ruffians trying to make a name of themselves, consider them like team rocket from the Pokemon series. Giovanni is trying to be known in the criminal underworld, he has his devoted minions who follow him and express their undying love for him. Giovanni may act tough and jerky, but he is a secretly a giant softie. He cares about his minions and takes care of them. Giovanni can even knit! and crafted his own suit from scratch!

Sylvie is a 15 year old boy, who recently graduated college with a PHD in Psychology, his epithet is “Drowsy”, which means he can put people to sleep and make their nightmares a reality! He can even put himself to sleep and summon his alter ego! A raging bull with a Scottish accent! He is a bit pompous and thinks he knows more than anyone in a room. But he secretly wants to have friends, luckily Molly is there to be his friend! and he has a lot to learn.

Mera is an interesting character, with her epithet literally turning against her! I won’t say anything else because I don’t want to spoil anything else from the first arc and trust me! It will captivate you!

Indus is a big soft teddy bear and body guard of Mera, who he refers to as “lady Mera” which is very sweet. He does everything Mera tells him too, including cooking and doing laundry but he is kinda soft-headed (pretty dumb) think of him as Kronk and Mera as Ezma from Emperor’s new Groove.

But these two, these two right here, are my absolute favorite pair! (because I found myself shipping them, im not sorry) The guy on the left is Ramsey, who appears in ep 6 and 7. His epithet is Goldbricker, which he can turn anything and himself into solid gold. A con man at heart, constantly on the run from a bounty hunter finally finds relief when he becomes partnered with a law abiding officer, Percy.

Percy (right), is one of the top officers in her field. Her epithet is creating small buildings with magical abilities but her stamina is very low, if she makes too much or fights for too long, she can literally pass out and becomes defenseless. She is very direct, strong, serious and little innocent, (especially around Ramsey and his constant innuendos, which is very funny). She doesn’t really respond to his comments and his sarcastic jokes, one of which he says to her “your cop is showing” and she gets very embarrassed and says “oh, I’m sorry” so she take things very literally. These two remind me of Judy and Nick from Zootopia, and I also love the good cop, and criminal partnership trope.

Epithet Erased is an action-packed, comedic masterpiece centered around great narration, voice acting and wonderful characters. The show constant theme being kindness to others and most characters of the series are very nice people just trying to make it in a cruel world. It is heartwarming and very funny! I highly recommend everyone to give it and chance and check it out on VRV and on youtube, I will provide a link to the first episode below. I really want this show to succeed and gain a following of support as not a lot of people know about this show, and I would hate to see it end early! This type of show does not come around every often, it is like a secret prize hidden away and everyone deserves a prize! Epithet Erased is a masterpiece of animation, storytelling and character that is unlike any other!

Please check it out in the link below!

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCP4nS6ag1-E6TzlQvaWfiZg

#epithet erased #molly #giovanni #ramsey #goldbricker #percy #indus #jelloapocalypse #shipping #zootopia #nick #judy #review #youtube #show #animation #dnd #mera #sylvie #great show

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nedcanquen · 7 years

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Chapter 6: Mr 7th Floor

Tags: Slow Burn (like…really slow burn) - endgame is NedCan but they don’t get there directly, Single POV, Yep, Canada will date other people before endgame because he’s very desirable even if he doesn’t always know it, Audit firm AU, Office AU, some angst…

Pairings: NedCan (endgame), NorCan, implied NedDen, DenNor (I can’t believe I missed this in the last update), implied Spamano, France/Jeanne d’Arc, GerIta

Photo from Pexels / Pixabay

Matthew doesn't know why he’s once again, riding the elevator to his desk. It’s an odd kind of detachment, he’s controlling his body but he isn’t. It’s on autopilot, but mostly because he doesn't know what else to do when he wakes up that morning. Well, he doesn't really wake up, because he hardly slept in the first place, so he went for a run. After the run failed to do whatever it was he wanted it to (he had no idea), Matthew showered and got changed for work. The best explanation he can give himself is that it’s routine, and routine is comforting right now because he doesn’t have to risk thinking - down that path led to ugly doors and ugly thoughts. Still, Matthew’s brain isn’t the type to just fully shut off, it needs something to be distracted. Right now, between Francis’ command that he take a step back from work, the reality of fighting his personal demons over his lost promotion and lost potential relationship, or being a workaholic, the latter was sadly, the much preferred option. He knew how to work, he could do it on autopilot, but perhaps his mistake hasn’t so much been being a workaholic, but that he’s been focusing on the wrong thing.

“Patrice, Sylvie, sorry for the short notice, but how about we change our setting and have a brainstorming session?”

His team has been walking on eggshells around him all week and it’s not healthy. It’s one thing for his unprofessionalism to affect himself, but it crosses a line when it affects everyone else. It’s time to fix that. He’s lucky that the team is pretty self-sufficient but still. Patrice smiles and nods while Sylvie looks relieved. That’s a good sign at least. To continue the positive mood, Matthew decides to completely change their scenery. They pack up their computers and walk to the building across the street to set up in the firm’s bar.

The PK&DE bar is actually located on the opposite building of the one where he usually works - an odd halfway measure to compromise PK&DE’s rapid growth - they had to rent floors across the street to seat everyone comfortably. On normal days the extra walk can be frustrating, but today it turns out to be a good thing because the distance liberates him in a way and he can be the mentor that he needs to be. He still takes pride in being a professional and the work that he does, the lack of a promotion wouldn’t hurt otherwise, but he hasn’t been doing a good job of being that professional in the past two days.

Their productivity is off the charts that morning, so this is definitely a good call. Sequestered away in their own corner, Matthew walks Patrice and Sylvie through the process of actually resolving the issues they raise in their audit reports based on what they’ve learned from sitting with the client for months. Well, Patrice should be promoted to Manager soon so he’s been through this before, but for Sylvie it’s still a process of being given knowledge. She needs more experience before she’ll be able to connect the dots. Without exposure to sessions like these though, there are no dots to connect. It’s not good enough to write a long audit report and flag problems. PK&DE charges a premium because they’re supposed to be able to deliver more. Clients were not receptive to inane textbook issues and answers after putting up with you sitting in their office for months, digging through all the paperwork of the past year and knowing that audit findings could cost them their jobs. If they raised an audit point, it had to actually be something worth raising, and something worth raising, needed a worthwhile solution.

They’ve drawn mind maps with a spider’s web of linkages and scribbles on several pieces of A3 recycled paper that’s been taped together and covers two tables. They could do it on a computer, but there’s some kind of connection that the brain makes when you physically draw something out, especially drawn out this big when you’re discussing it at the same time. It helps to make sure that Sylvie is adding her own notes to the mind map as well so she feels invested and can therefore contribute more to the process - she’s the one literally sitting at the client’s and reading through every single document they have, so she is the one with the most knowledge here.

Having the issue illustrated in front of them also makes the knots somewhat easier to unravel. Matthew is already drawing links to where the problems are and potential solutions lie and he can coach Patrice and Sylvie towards them as much as he can without giving the game away. For Patrice he’s mostly teaching management skills by this point, so really it’s Patrice doing most the leading with Matthew jumping in occasionally and filling in whatever gaps are missing.

Matthew feels better already, and it’s good to be reminded of these rare moments of accomplishment, hidden behind the many more moments of frustration behind office politics or administrative paperwork that otherwise takes up his time. Matthew does care about his team, and it’s likely a more healthy driver, to be driven by working with good people, rather than believing that your life is worthless if you aren’t the best at everything. It’s easier said than done though. It also doesn’t take away the reality that Matthew is an introvert by nature and part of the reason why today is working out so well is because he’s only sharing space with two people, rather than everyone in the department, as much as he likes them. It’s also a lesson in trust, he knows that sometimes he takes on too much of the work because he doesn’t want to overwhelm the younger staff. He does less of that now, but he needs to figure out better ways to do that more often and let them have the hands-on experience for themselves without him abandoning them. Some things you have to let people experience and fight through for themselves after all.

“You could have booked a meeting room - those have whiteboards for you to play with.”

They turn and greet Ha, who’s walking to them. Matthew is grateful that she hasn’t sat him down and demanded that he leaves Francis, or asked him what he feels or needs to do. Matthew supposes that she just knows he needs some time to calm down. After all, he knows her well enough to know what she would do in this situation - fight tooth and nail then leave (she is terrifying if you get on her bad side), but he’s not Ha, or Michelle, or Arthur for that matter. Matthew wishes more than occasionally, that he could be more like Arthur, or Daan, or even Alfred when it comes to work, if he’s being honest. It would certainly make things much easier, but he’s not. He’s just Matthew, and it’s exhausting to try to be someone else.

But ‘exhausting’ is oftentimes still easier though, because now he has to re-figure out who ‘Matthew’ is. Today seems to be a good start on that.

“Meeting rooms are all booked, I already tried.” Matthew responds. “HR is on a hiring push. I don’t want to interrupt the hopefuls. What’s up?”

“Lunch?”

Matthew looks at his watch - it’s 11.55 already, where has the time gone? Ha is looking over at their mind map and Matthew has to shake his head. “You guys go ahead. Thanks for coming all the way to get me but,” He wants to avoid potential uncomfortable questions over how he feels, which may come up at a lunch setting but not an office setting. “But I think I want to keep working on this. I can grab something here anyway.”

But Ha just smirks and winks, she’s looking at his computer screen now. “No need to lie Matt, I can keep a secret you know.” She whispers, giving a sly grin to both Patrice and Sylvie, who look confused but dangerously intrigued.

“What?” Matthew asks with some worry.

“Oh so he didn’t tell you two?” Ha asks Patrice and Sylvie.

“Secrets Matthew? I’m hurt.” Patrice jokes and Sylvie just smiles, waiting for the punchline. Yeah, Matthew wants to know it too.

“It’s exciting but don’t you think it’s a little too soon?” Ha is leaving the question open ended. Too soon after what?

Matthew still has no idea what she’s talking about. Something nags at the back of his mind though. Ha’s expression slowly changes as she realizes he isn’t lying.

“Your calendar Matt, it’s showing a lunch appointment with Daan deBoer at noon.” She waves her hand at his screen.

“OH SHIT!!!”

“OH WOW!”

“WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!”

Somehow all of this was exclaimed at the exact same time. Matthew forgot. How had he forgotten lunch with Daan?! Fuck fuck fuck, it’s 11.56 now, and it’s lunch hour he’s going to be late because the elevators are slow as molasses uphill during lunch and of course this is the day he decides he has to work in the OPPOSITE building! It’s too late to send a message now and all he can do is run. “My computer! The mind map!” It’s confidential, all of it, and yes these are technically the firm’s grounds but Matthew hasn’t locked his laptop to the table as IT policy insists he does and they follow a strict clean desk policy.

“We’ll take care of it Matthew! We’ll bring everything to your desk, just GO!” Ha yells.

Matthew is a good head taller than her but he’s not going to argue with that tone or expression so he sprints out of the bar and desperately presses the elevator button several times. He had barely looked at his laptop all morning, since he was so focused on Patrice, Sylvie and the mind map, and with how much he had shut down parts of his mind, fighting between indulging in the voice that emphatically berated him for being forgettable and not good enough and stamping it out with everything else, he had plain forgotten. It was embarrassing to the extreme. The elevator doors finally open, filled with disgruntled and hungry workers but Matthew pushes himself in anyway.

He’s not a small man. Usually it’s not a problem, but now he gets some stares, no doubt annoyed at him for insisting on entering a full elevator, but Matthew spares them that as soon as the doors open by sprinting out the doors. The building doors slide open fast enough and he can see Daan standing across, as he promised, in the lobby of the opposite building and looking at his watch. Matthew knows he’s late, Matthew knows that Daan has a reputation for hating tardiness when he’s in Canada, Matthew sprints across the street and hopes that he can be forgiven for a few minutes since this is the first time they’re having an appointment.

Matthew doesn’t see the car. He sees Daan look up with a frown on his face that quickly turns into alarm. Then he hears the horn, the screech and burnt scent of stressed brakes and a car taps him just enough to make him fall off balance onto the road, more from shock than any actual impact. He lands on his shoulder. If the car doesn’t stop, there’s nothing to save him, but thankfully it doesn’t move. Matthew lets out a breath and realizes that he doesn’t feel hurt, it’s just the smell of engine and rubber that’s assaulting his nose and eyes. He looks up at the nose of a silver Porsche and hears someone wailing from inside the car. Matthew rises so fast he feels dizzy and has to lean on the car hood for a moment, but his main concern is making sure that whoever’s in the car is unhurt from such a sudden braking, especially in a car this powerful. A shocked blonde man with somewhat disheveled, but mostly slicked back hair is sitting on the driver’s side, holding a smaller crying man with auburn hair.

Footsteps run up beside him and Matthew feels himself manhandled off the road to the safety of the sidewalk. He looks up to ask the person to release him, he’s being held with a desperate grip on the forearm that he didn’t fall on and it’s not helping - oh. It’s Daan. Of course it’s Daan. And he looks absolutely livid.

“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!”

Matthew opens his mouth but no words can come out because at this proximity, Daan’s angry voice sounds like it has an echo. Matthew also doesn’t appreciate being yelled at, but he has to admit that what he just did was pretty stupid and dangerous, and not just to himself. A car door slams and Matthew turns to see that the car has pulled over to the side and the blonde driver has stepped out of it. It wasn’t an echo, it was Daan and this man yelling at him at the same time. “I’m sorry.” He says to the other blonde man, who looks uncomfortably familiar.

“And you…” Daan glares at the approaching man. “Are you blind as well as fu-”

“Daan it hurts.” Matthew says calmly, tensing the arm where Daan is still gripping tight. It’s an exaggeration, Matthew can take pain, but he’s finally remembered who the two men in the car are and he doesn’t want Daan to say something absolutely career-killing over a dumb mistake that Matthew made.

Daan stops mid-rant and looks back at Matthew, bewildered, as he drops his hand. “I’m sorry. But damnit Matthew-”

“Luddy!” The formerly crying man has stuck his head out the window completely, and is calling out from across the road. It didn’t look like Daan was going to get to finish his sentences, for that, Matthew is grateful. “Everyone’s alright? I have tomatoes in the back, let’s feed everyone tomatoes! All will be well!”

What? That is the most random thing Matthew has heard today but he also hears some laughter from the crowd that has gathered at the lobby and on the side of the road. ‘Luddy’s’ face lights up with a slight smile, so it seemed to be the right words to break the tension. Until today, Matthew has only known of Feliciano Vargas by reputation. He’s a male socialite who is a social media celebrity and has a reputation for randomness with a strong streak of social genius. This is a man who can act stupid and do stupid things but make a lot of money off of it. He understands people in a way Matthew knows he never will.

“Oh...joy.” Daan seems to murmur to no one in particular and doesn’t look particularly joyful. Matthew looks back at Daan while Daan looks back at him with wide eyes. He tugs Matthew closer and says more calmly. “You’re lucky to be alive. If it were Feliciano behind that wheel, and not Ludwig, you wouldn’t be.”

“He is right about that.” Ludwig Beilschmidt, Managing Partner of Heta&Lia, approaches them. He had taken over as Antonio’s successor after a scandal. A man built from completely different cloth from Antonio, Ludwig was an Assurance man all the way, just like Matthew. He was likely selected to give his firm undoubted integrity after that mess, and his famous husband gave Ludwig some degree of likability, even to those who thought he was too stony. But the ‘stoneman’ only ever melted for his ridiculous husband. Seeing has how he had inadvertently made Feliciano cry, Matthew now knows that if he ever wants to change jobs, he may as well cross the entirely of Heta&Lia off his list. “Are you alright?” Ludwig asks.

Matthew blinks in surprise. “I was going to ask the same about you and your husband. I’m alright, you barely tapped me.”He holds his arms up, as if to prove it. Other than some minor scrapes and bruising that Matthew can feel, he is fine. The reality is exhilarating. Thanks for…” Not driving over him? “Stopping, that was entirely my fault, I’m so sorry.”

He could say a lot more, how his mind has been anywhere but present this whole week, but it sounds silly now. Matthew can barely contemplate how sad it truly would have been if he had died in some meaningless accident with his mind anywhere but here, sad and upset about his life. “I really haven’t been...I’m sorry. If there’s any damage to your car…” Matthew gulps, even a minor problem on a Porsche would probably be monumental.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Daan scoffs. “Ludwig, he’s one of mine. He was running to meet me. If there’s a problem, let me know.”

“No!” Matthew objects, but Ludwig simply nods.

“I checked just now. There is nothing. If my brakes were to break over such a thing, Porsche should not be selling cars. And Feliciano and I are alright. You really have no idea how Feli drives. I actually hope that this experience will instill some sense into him.”

Daan lets out a snort. “If you believe that, there’s a bridge I’d like to sell you Ludwig.”

“Hey!” It’s Feliciano again, who seems to have snuck up behind them, holding a small box of the tomatoes he promised. “I offer you tomatoes and that’s how you repay me? They’re free tomatoes Daan! Don’t you like anything that’s free?”

Amazingly, Daan rolls his eyes and cracks half of a sarcastic smile. “Yes, yes, and you only care about food and fashion, Ludwig is stupid and has no sense of humor, Matthew here is niceness incarnate and oh what else have I forgotten? I received coupons for all my birthdays and went Dutch on every date.”

“I do have high food standards! Don’t pretend you don’t agree!” Feli teases, dropping the box into Daan’s arms. “And don’t you dare go Dutch on this date, this guy almost got run over just to see you!”

The words fall on Matthew like a ton of bricks.

“Fe-Li…” Ludwig grumbles.

“What?! Oh give me a break! The whole industry’s been repressed since Antonio! It’s ridiculous!”

Ludwig sighed but his lips are still upturned, fond. “It is not ridiculous Feli, and not everyone who eats lunch together is on a date. I’ve also explained why, multiple times, that what they did was-”

Feli waves his hand with an impatient flourish. “It’s a job Luddy! A job! You can always find a new job but your soulmate? That’s for life!”

They’re all silent for a few beats then, and Matthew can’t quite believe how unbelievable this week has become but here it is. It has cumulated into his narrow avoidance of being manslaughtered by the man in charge of a rival firm, who’s being told off by his husband for thinking that Partners should not tie up people to their desks to publicly have sex with them. Okay, fine, Matthew is being uselessly pedantic, that’s because he knows Feliciano’s words are going to echo uncomfortably with him for a long time. There really isn’t any argument one can put up against what he was saying, which is why they’re all standing there uncomfortably and Ludwig finally takes his husband in his arms and starts murmuring something that Matthew assumes is Italian but with an odd accent. Meanwhile, Daan simply rolls his eyes and begins studiously gazing at the label on the box of tomatoes in his arms - a funny distraction, but at least he has one. Matthew is quite jealous of him in this moment.

“Right, well…” Matthew decides to say because he needs to get out of this awkward situation right now! “Thanks for the tomatoes, I think I’ll get going.”

“Wait!”

“What?”

Ludwig and Daan both yell at him the same time. Ludwig wants him to wait it seems, while Daan looks equal parts worried and offended.

“I mean…” Matthew desperately waves at Daan. “You’re hungry aren’t you?”

Daan just gives him an exasperated look while Ludwig sighs loudly. “At least let us take you to a clinic to get checked out! You cannot simply go walking on back to work!”

Oh right. He looks at the husbands and for some reason feels even more exhausted at the idea of dealing with them for any longer. On any other day he could do it, well no, any other week. But not this week. Feliciano is...a little too much honestly and Matthew feels exhausted at the thought of having to deal with him for more than five minutes. Ludwig is...well the sad part is, he’s kind of the role-model of any auditor and Matthew isn’t so sure he likes the image of Ludwig as his future self. Also, the codependency they exhibit - he’s not sure if it makes him jealous or makes him cringe. “Thank you but I’m really really..ready to move on from this. I’ll take myself to the clinic, I promise I’m absolutely fine.”

Ludwig looks like he’s about to object so Matthew squares his shoulders and puts more authority in his voice. “If I have any other questions or feel odd for any reason, I will get a hold of you. I really appreciate everything, truly but you’ve done everything you can - most importantly, you didn’t kill me. No one is harmed.”

Ludwig at least gives him a sympathetic look. Matthew feels that the man can understand him at that moment. “Right. Well, enjoy the tomatoes.” Ludwig says. “Matthew, if you feel odd for any reason, definitely give me a call and I will organize a visit to a specialist for you.” He hands Matthew his card, even though Matthew can likely find him through an online search. Then again, he sees the handwritten mobile number written on it and takes the card. It does help, having the direct line rather than having to jump through unnecessary hoops.

“And Daan.” Ludwig turns to Daan. “If it makes you feel any better, they are good tomatoes. You know how picky -”

“Yes, yes.” Daan cuts in tersely. “Even psychopathic nutjobs can have hobbies and be good at them.” He waves farewell immediately after, and Matthew does the same, pondering those words.

After some polite farewells, Ludwig and Feliciano turn to leave, then Daan calls out, “Wait, Feliciano, how is your brother doing?”

Feliciano turns with a warm smile. “He’s happy Daan. Happiest I’ve ever seen him.”

Daan just nods. They leave and Matthew wonders what that was all about. Daan hands him the box before he can ponder too deeply. There’s a giant label on the side that boldly displays the brand ‘LOVE’S TOMATOES’ that temporarily confuses him.

“Wha?”

“You’ve kind of earned them, I mean, you did survive getting hit by a car and Feliciano isn’t lying when he says he’s picky about his food. I saw the trunk when he opened it to get these, the whole damn thing is full, no wonder he’s trying to give some away...” He rambles. Daan rambling, this week has gotten odder. “Honestly though, are you alright? I’m sorry for grabbing you earlier.”

Matthew can only nod. “It’s okay, I mean, I feel alright, but after lunch I’m going to a clinic just to get checked out, and then I’m definitely going home. I’ve learned my lesson. This is the type of week where I should just stay in bed.”

Daan laughs and nods. It occurs to Matthew that Daan is uniquely positioned to know about all of the blows Matthew has suffered this week, and maybe that’s why he wanted to speak to him.

“Well that’s good at least.” Daan says. “But why don’t you go now? I’ll come with you. At the very least, you need someone to help you carry a box of tomatoes.”

Matthew shakes his head and also finds laughter bubbling out from himself. “This is the most random thing, ever, I mean…”

Daan shrugs. “That’s Feliciano and Ludwig for you. The most unlikely, sickeningly sweet couple you’ll ever meet. You’d expect that level of mutual codependency to explode but it seems to work on them. You know they’re actually childhood sweethearts? Poster childs for choosing to stay together and accept change...a lot of it.”

Matthew has to smile at that, he doesn’t believe in two people staying together no matter what if it causes more pain than good, but Ludwig and Feliciano seem especially happy together, despite their differences.

“Which is also why Feliciano never had to grow up, well, they’re both kind of unevenly matured, to be honest. Ludwig is emotionally constipated because Feliciano can project enough emotion for three people and Ludwig handles all the responsible things, like drive in the city, so that Feli doesn’t accidentally kill anyone. But they’re happy.”

Matthew smiles and shrugs. “Well, to each their own. Anyway, I can put the box in my car, I’m not parked too far.”

Daan nods and they set off. “You know,” He starts, not too long into their walk. “If you need to be late, that’s...fine, I know it happens. Just let me know ahead of time.”

Matthew doesn’t want to admit that he forgot their lunch appointment, so he just nods and smiles out of habit, before he realizes that he’s too tired to continue swallowing things down all the time. Besides, as significant as Daan is to the periphery of his life, if Matthew is going to offend the man, he may as well do it now with some honesty rather than later when it would actually hurt.

“Uh yeah about that...I’m sorry, I was having a brainstorming session with my team and we got carried away. I completely forgot and didn’t look at my phone or computer or anything...”

He tries to bury his face in the tomatoes but that’s not a good solution. From this close he can see how good they are though.

“Alright then,” Daan shrugs. “That happens too, but when it does, I’d like to imagine that whatever I’d lay on you is better than this. If it’s not, well, just say so.”

And that was that. Simple, except there are weeks where Matthew is willing to put up a fight and weeks where he’d rather avoid one. Still Matthew is relieved, yet he wants to kick himself for his habit of making mountains out of molehills. It’s a little funny that Daan thinks it’s so easy for anyone to just tell him anything, but maybe it is for his actual team members.

It’s strangely comfortable and companionable after that, having Daan as a walking partner on these familiar streets. As nervous as he is, Matthew doesn’t really want their conversation to stop, though right now it’s inane and work-related. Daan is kindly not bringing up Mathias and Lukas, or the fact that he hasn’t been promoted, maybe because he’s also recovering from the fact that he almost saw someone get run over. He seems a little...overly engaged, like he’s trying too hard.

When they reach the car, Matthew’s much more humble twelve-year-old Ford pickup, at least in comparison to a Porsche, Daan takes the tomatoes so Matthew can get his keys to open the car.

“Do you need me to drive?” Daan hesitantly offers. “In case you’re still shaken up?”

Matthew let’s out a chuckle. “Thanks but, no offense, you seem more shaken up than I am. Box can go in the back seat, thanks.”

“Hey!” Daan objects. “You’re fine now, wait till the adrenaline disappears! You’ll be exhausted in seconds. Also...I don’t really like driving, that’s where more of the nerves come from.”

What? “Really?!”

Daan shrugs. “I can drive, sure, but I feel better when I’m cycling. Driving a car feels too, hmm, stressful. You’re always surrounded by idiots.”

“I don’t see how cycling on the same road as those idiots with no protective casing or air bags makes that better.” Matthew retorts honestly, now a little worried. He knew that Daan liked to cycle but not this much.

Daan smiles and climbs into the passenger seat next to Matthew. “I’ve been cycling for as long as I can remember, it’s like walking or talking for me, I’ve been driving for far less years. My reflexes are better on a bike.”

“What about winter?”

The man shrugs as Matthew climbs into his own seat. “It’s the same as winter driving - you change your mindset, make sure you have the right equipment…” He shrugs. “And if it’s really bad out then yeah fine, you can’t cycle, but you can’t really drive either. It’s not that big a difference.”

There kind of is. “Buying groceries?”

Daan gives him an incredulous look. “I’m just one guy, I don’t need a car to hold them all, and my housemate,” It’s the first mention of Mathias all day and Matthew imagines that Daan says the word rather pointedly. “Buys his own stuff. If we’re really desperate we get a supermarket to deliver. How much do you eat at home?” He teases.

Matthew can’t really imagine life without a car at all, so finally he settles on, “If the heating in your building goes out in winter, where do you run to so you don’t freeze to death?”

Daan laughs. “That has never happened, but I guess if it really came down to it, the cafe isn’t too far from where we live and it’s a different building.”

Matthew gives up, if Daan can’t see the correlation between Matthew’s recent near accident and literally cycling everywhere... “Right, well, we’re going to the clinic. If you get hungry, holler and we’ll stop there first instead?” Besides, if Daan avoids driving to that extent, he’s not trusting the man with his car.

“Nah, clinic first.” Daan answers the unspoken question as he buckles his seatbelt. It’s all so casual, as if they’ve been friends for a long time.

Matthew nods, figuring that both of them wouldn’t really have an appetite right now. “Then take out and we can eat at my place, and then I’m serious! I’m asking the doc for the rest of the week off and I’m not leaving my bed!”

It’s only after he says it that Matthew realizes what he’s just done, but he can’t hit himself in front of Daan, so he starts up his car instead.

The doctor gives Matthew the rest of the week off, a clean bill of health save for some scrapes and bruises (as expected), sleep aids and at Matthew’s final hesitant request and brief discussion, a referral to a therapist. Matthew has no idea if it’ll actually be effective, and his promise to Lukas is probably not binding anymore, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a good idea. Maybe it was almost getting run over earlier in the day, but Matthew is willing to think a little differently, even if he’s still hesitant to make life-changing decisions in the heat of the moment. He’s not actually going to get the rest of the week off, there’s too little notice, but Francis said that Matthew can claim the lost time back. Matthew is grateful but he wonders if time will allow him to actually do that. Or if he wants to. He still doesn’t know what to do with free time or with himself. There are meetings he has to ‘attend’, which he will do by calling in or video conferencing, and he’ll work on urgent deliverables in the quiet of his home. Backup plans were made, emergency texts were answered as much as possible. Now all Matthew has to try to do is relax a bit.

Lunch is terribly indulgent, but hey, if you can’t indulge after surviving a near-death experience, why live? They pack two giant burgers from Harveys and head over to Matthew’s flat (Daan actually insists on paying for the burgers - survival comfort food, as he calls it). It occurs to him that since this crazy week started, he’s had guests over for three days in a row. His dining table is being used more than it has in years. With the exception of the previous night’s unpleasant ending, he was always happy to welcome these friends into his home. He also knows that at some point he will be ready to welcome Lukas into his life and home again, it’s not like he wouldn’t open the door if Lukas knocked on it tonight after all. But Matthew had never been nervous with these other guests. That is not the case with Daan behind him as he opens his door. Daan is probably the last person he ever expected to end up in his home.

“Right well, it’s humble, but it’s home.” Matthew hangs his keys on the hook next to the door and feels at a loss for a moment, not having a heavy bag to set down either. He had texted Ha earlier as well to help him bring his stuff over afterwards.

For now though, it is nice to come home without the added weight of his laptop hanging on his shoulders.

“Thanks for having me,” Daan says, somewhat formally after walking in. “Uh do we need plates?”

Matthew laughs nervously. “We’re going to rough it, straight from the wrap, if you don’t mind.” He really didn’t feel like doing the dishes afterwards. He also really didn’t know why he invited Daan over without thinking about it, at that moment he had just desperately wanted to retreat home. “But if you want plates, they’re in that cupboard over there.” He points it out.

Daan shrugs with an amiable, “Wraps it is.” And places the box of ‘Love’s’ tomatoes on the kitchen counter. As Matthew walks over to his table with the takeout, Daan calls out. “Want some fresh tomatoes with that? They’re pretty good just sliced up with olive oil, salt and pepper.”

There are already tomatoes in the burgers but okay, he may as well experience how good these tomatoes are, presumably grown by Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo. It had been years since he had thought of the man, but he supposed Feliciano did have a point. Ever since the scandal, inter-firm relationships between management and any kind of junior staff seemed to have shuttered to a halt, at least publicly. If Matthew were younger and had first had his crush on Daan after the scandal, he probably would have been allowed to forget it. Heck, he wouldn’t have admitted to it in the first place, 3am or no.

“Sure. Salt and pepper’s on the table, olive oil in the cupboard above the stove on the right, knife’s in the drawer next to the sink, uh, second drawer down.”

It was a miracle he had maintained some semblance of adult life in the past year, but he’s grateful for it now. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to live it down if he had invited Daan back to a cluttered flat with piles of things carelessly tossed everywhere, which was the state that he lived in before he had an honest conversation himself one day about how he wanted to live. It also helped that he had been having guests recently; he had just cleaned up yesterday for Lukas. Still, none of these musings prepared Matthew for the sight of Daan doing extremely domestic kitchen things in his home.

It’s odd, and Matthew tries to ignore the confused beating of his heart in his throat because he’s simply too...fascinated at the sight of Daan with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and cutting tomatoes. His Partner persona is not really present. It hasn’t been since the near-accident, actually, now that Matthew thinks about it. He just can’t stop observing. At this moment, Daan is clearly annoyed at how blunt the knife is and is digging for the knife sharpener. Who would have thought that after having uncomfortably faced the front of a car just inches from his face a few hours ago, that the sight that would finally make his brain fry up and stop working this week is simply Daan in his kitchen?

He’s so fucked. A million and one thoughts fly through his mind in an instant and it’s amazing he still manages to stand - ‘Of course you’re losing your mind over this guy in your fucking kitchen,’ he thinks ‘You’ve never been allowed to forget about him for years, but don’t get carried away Matthew, he’s just, well, who the hell knows why he’s here? You’re going to ask him though! Hey why are you so fixated now? Are you rebounding? Damnit Matthew, it’s barely been a day! But Feliciano said - who cares what he said! This is the unattainable guy you crushed on because you saw him in an elevator! Not your soulmate! Get a grip!’

“Are you judging me?” Daan’s question cuts through Matthew’s panicked thoughts and he can only stare dumbly.

“Huh?”

“You’ve been giving me this kind of scary look for the past minute or so. I swear Matthew, and you have to trust me on this, but a sharp knife is just one of those small things that makes a huge difference towards a more satisfied life. Now, is this cheapo Ikea sharpener the only one you have?” Daan’s tone may be teasing, but it is still laden with judgment.

“Yes, it is. There ought to be another knife that’s sharp, I think Ha sharpened it on Monday when she made dinner.” There are only two knives after all.

“Well how about I sharpen this one as well and then you can have TWO sharp knives.” Has his tone changed? Yes, what did it mean? Why did it change? “How about that? You’ll owe me one forever.”

Matthew’s mind can puzzle over the mystery of Daan deBoer all day, but it can’t, nope! It’s been a stressful day but Matthew knows he has to get a grip on himself, so he simply starts taking out the food and drinks and placing them on the table.

Still, Matthew has to laugh as the sound of a blade being pressed against stone echoes off the walls. “Are you always this silly when you’re not at work?” He has to ask.

Daan turns, temporarily stopping his work. “You think I’m silly? Sharp knives are serious business Matthew.” He runs the blade across a few more times. “Sharp knives lead to good food, good food gets you a market and connections, and those...get you money.”

Matthew can’t figure out if he’s joking, so he gives up at this inane line of reasoning, and simply grins. “Fine, I’ll sharpen my knives.” He walks into his kitchen to hand Daan a plate for the soon-to-be cut tomatoes. He distantly wonders if this was what Daan’s younger siblings had to endure - strange anecdotes about life and money. Daan’s a bit odd sure, but who isn’t? It’s strangely endearing.

Eventually they eat, and Matthew savors the juices and taste of familiar cooked meat on his tongue, allows the smell of his burger assault his nose and lets out a sound of appreciation. Survival comfort food indeed. Once they had finished their burgers (it didn’t take long, they must have both been starving), Matthew decides to cut to the chase. “So why did you want to have lunch with me so urgently this week? Was it because you knew I was going to start it with a demotion, followed by getting dumped?”

Daan freezes for a moment and there’s a second of uncomfortable silence before he regains his composure and chuckles. “That’s what I like about you Matthew, when it counts, you get straight to the point.”

Room full of Alfreds. Room full of Alfreds. Can’t show hesitance, you can handle this. “Well?”

Daan takes a breath. “I didn’t know that Francis was going to pull such a stupid stunt. I thought the Communications team made a silly mistake and left out your name until Arthur brought it up at the Partner meeting and Francis didn’t deny it. I originally wanted to see you to give you a heads up about Lukas and Mathias. I wasn’t there when they spoke at the cafe, but I sure as heck saw Mathias when he got home. I also had no idea if you’d even want to see me today, but when I didn’t get any message from you canceling our lunch plans…” He shrugged.

Matthew almost asked why he wouldn’t want to see Daan, before remembering that Daan was a reminder of his job and Lukas wrapped up in one. Except, Daan was kind of two guys - the guy he admired before he even met Lukas, when his job was still fun - gruelling, but fun - and he was also the actual guy who was sitting at his table that he’s only getting to know now. “Why give me a heads up?” He asks. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful but...I’m not actually one of your team members, we run into each other but we’re not exactly...close, we’ve worked together once.”

Daan nods and has that smirk again, Matthew is starting to wonder now if it’s not so much confidence, but a defensive quirk. “On the firm front, well, you reached out to Emil when you thought you could help him. I know we’re used to doing that for junior staff but it isn’t actually supposed to stop the moment you become a manager.” He leans back in his chair and looks at Matthew in that searching Partner way. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, sometimes it helps to talk it out with someone who’s not in your team. You can talk to me, if you want. If you’re not comfortable with me because I’m in the same firm or whatever, maybe you’d prefer to speak to Belle? She can keep a secret, isn’t part of the firm and has worked with both Francis and Arthur before…”

Wow that’s… “That’s really kind of you.” Matthew has no idea what he’s done to warrant this, but maybe Emil felt the same way when he was adopted by a manager he had avoided, impromptu, in a men’s bathroom.

“Secondly, unrelated to the job, back when I thought you and Lukas were going to be a fixture I figured I was going to see quite a bit of you, one way or the other. And…” He shrugs. “I didn’t mind that. You seem cool. I know it’s kind of awkward, given our professional relationship but, I was going to ask you to be my friend.” Daan laid that out in a matter-of-fact manner. “Hey, you know about my rabbits, and my travel schedule is finally going to fall back to a slightly more normal pace. I look forward to spending time actually living here and making friends again who aren’t my relatives, Mathias, or clients.” He laughs.

“Oh…” Matthew can’t help the smile breaking out on his face. “Really?”

Daan’s expression turns lightly calculating. “Why would I lie?”

Matthew is sure there could be plenty of reasons but he can’t think of them at the moment. He doesn’t know Daan well enough. Then again, what was it that Lukas had said? Daan was capable of deceit, but not so much outright lying. And there wasn’t much deceit involved in asking a no-name manager who couldn’t even get promoted to be his friend. This means that for some inexplicable reason, Daan really thinks he’s cool. Even if not, there’s no way Matthew will pass this up. Handsome or no, he’s wanted to get to know Daan for years, it would finally get rid of the awkward feeling he has, especially if Daan can reveal things that Matthew already knows about him, organically. Besides it’s just...well he doesn’t know why Daan thinks he’s cool, but there’s no doubt that Daan is, and intriguing, and just plain admirable.

Matthew is definitely going to wake up tomorrow morning and find out that he’s dreamed the whole thing. “I can’t think of a reason.” He answers, but he’s grinning from ear to ear, he just can’t help it. “I just didn’t see that coming. Can I be honest about my ulterior motive to being your friend though?”

Daan’s expression changes, somewhat wary, but intrigued. “Sure, since we’re being honest. What is it?”

“I really want to meet your bunnies.”

Matthew expects laughter and gets it but not quite like he expected. Not this beautiful, bowled over laughing, happy kind. He can’t help but join in, it’s too infectious to hear Daan laugh and to see the man smile. He has no idea what he’s doing but that’s the point of friendship isn’t it? You’re not supposed to calculate friendship. But Matthew also knows better. He’s been on the receiving end of this question before, in the States, from people who wanted to be his brother’s friend. He earns his money based on his ability to be likable by the most amount of people possible...but he can’t control other people’s motives. He can only be honest with himself about his own. He does want to be Daan’s friend.

But why him? Why Matthew? A guy who wears a mask all the time when Daan is so straightforward and has never needed to pretend to be likeable. Or…

Has he?

Matthew doesn’t know why it’s never hit him before. Time seems to slow down a little as he just looks at the silly guy in front of him, laughing. The silly guy who whined about being locked out of his apartment after a long journey home, the silly guy who lives with his childhood best friend so that friend wouldn’t get too lonely after the love of his life left him...and never asked him to leave. The silly guy who bought a third rabbit because he thought the first two were getting lonely. The silly guy who’s scared of driving cars! None of this matches the image of the Partner he’s heard about and worked with, the miser, the taskmaster, the robber, the prodigy. Maybe he’s all of these in one, or maybe some of these are a result of masks that he wore so that he could climb so high while so young, so that the rest would take him seriously.

Whatever it is, whoever Daan is, Matthew wants to know. He’s always wanted to know. Heck, if he actually gets hit by a car tomorrow, one of his last thoughts would probably be cursing himself for a coward if he couldn’t let himself believe Daan and try.

“Deal.” Daan grins. “You know, my sister always says that the only reason I have these rabbits is so I can have friends. Now I can tell her that she’s absolutely right. I am a genius. She should listen to her brother. Now come take a look, I took a really good pic yesterday!”

Matthew shoves the paper wraps aside like the messy slob he is so he can move closer to see (he’s a reformed messy slob, he’ll clean it up later, but for now, cute bunnies take priority).

“Okay, so introductions are in order. Maple is the baby of the lot, he’s the brown-colored one, Hitam, she’s the black one, she was a baby when I adopted her, together with Nijntje, who is the grand dame of them all. I got them when I first moved back to Canada, which was in…”

Maybe this isn’t going to be the worst week of his life after all.

#nedcan #hetaliararepaircentral #fic: mr 7th floor

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hailey-halstead · 7 years

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Lives to Save

lol i actually finished this like seven hours ago….but i couldn’t decide if i wanted to make it a long fic but i decided not to! (i have other fics im cooking up!!!) hope you all enjoy! i don’t own anything :) ——————— Sylvie was waiting for Gabby to fill out paperwork when she overheard a few residents whispering to each other. She had nothing to do, she really didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but she couldn’t help it.

“Did you hear? One of the state investigators was shot…in critical condition…” At this information, Sylvie scooted closer to the medical professionals, telling her pounding heart that she couldn’t react until she heard more about what they were talking about.

“It makes it harder to do work around here,” One complained. “All these attorneys, investigators, and police officers around….I keep looking over my shoulder and feeling on edge!”

There were a lot of investigators in the city of Chicago. Yes, Antonio was one of them. That didn’t mean he was shot. He could be perfectly fine. But the chance of him not being fine, being on that hospital bed, fighting for his life…. was making her go crazy. “Excuse me,” Sylvie stepped up to the group. “Is there any way you can tell me who this investigator is?” She asked, hoping they would be able to answer her. But she was fooling herself, there was no way they would be able to with confidential issues.

They all shook their heads. “No, we can’t.” One of them pointed to a well dressed man further down one of the hallways. “That’s Peter Stone, it was one of his investigators that was hurt—”

Peter Stone. She knew that name. Antonio had mentioned him multiple times. This was not good news.

Mumbling a halfhearted thank you to the residents, she focused her attention on Peter, heading towards him, wanting answers. “Peter Stone, right?” She grabbed onto his suit jacket with determination, despite her nerves. He was rather intimidating.

“Yes, what is it?” He asked, not bothering to look up as he was in the middle of typing a text message. After he was done, he gave her his attention.

“I really need to know—” She began to ask, but was interrupted by the ringing on of his cell phone.

He looked at it, and became concerned. “I’m sorry, I have to take this.” He said, and walked away.

Anxiety was beginning to fill her body even more. Was she not going to get answers? Despite her trembling hands, she got out her cell phone, finding Antonio’s phone number and called him. Maybe she was freaking out over nothing—

“This is Antonio Dawson, I’m sorry that I can’t answer the phone right now—”

She ended the call and redialed. Maybe he got to his phone late and couldn’t press the answer button.

“This is Antonio Dawson, I’m sorry that I can’t answer the phone right now—”

“Fuck!” Sylvie cursed, shoving her phone back into her pocket.

Her eyes went back to Gabby, who was still working on paperwork. But she was taking extensively with Maggie, and also had a look of frustration on her face. Even though Sylvie wanted to have her friend by her side, possibly give words of reassurance, it wouldn’t be a good idea. Especially with her being Antonio’s sister. She was still doing her job, and currently Sylvie’s own job was to keep herself calm and not make a scene.

Will Halstead then appeared, grabbing a lab report. Sylvie darted after him, catching him right before he was about to turn down another hallway.

“Will!” She gasped out, managing to get a grip on his lab coat. “Oh God, I’ve been trying to get answers out of everyone but—” She rambled, finding herself losing control with every word and breath that came out of her mouth.

He noticed the state of panic she was in, and grabbed her shoulders. “Woah, Sylvie.” He took her to the side to avoid holding up traffic. “Take a deep breath and then tell me what’s going on.”

She allowed herself to take one, but that didn’t mean she would be able to string her words eloquently. “I– um, there– there was an investigator brought in, I heard some residents talking about it….” To her dismay, she couldn’t hold her tears back, as they began rolling down her cheeks. “In critical condition….and I just need to know, please—”

“Sylvie. It wasn't—” He tried to speak over her.

“Hey Will, Nagel is awake.” Sylvie watched as Antonio, unharmed, walked out of a hospital room, having heard Will’s voice. His eyes widened when he noticed her presence, and how distraught she was. “Sylvie..?” He said her name, taking a step towards her, concerned. “Is something wrong—”

Without a second thought, she bounded into his arms, wrapping them around him tightly. She was so overwhelmed with him actually being okay when she was beginning to believe he was seriously injured…..she didn’t realize that she started to cry again until she felt his hand rubbing her back.

“What’s wrong? Is it Gabby?” He asked, sounding muffled since Sylvie’s head was still shoved into his chest. “Sylvie, you’re scaring me. Please tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” She repeated, untangling herself from him. They weren’t together anymore, she was being ridiculous. Using her jacket, she wiped her tears away, glad that she wore her waterproof mascara today. “Nothing wrong, everyone is okay.” She was reassuring him now. “I just thought….um, that it was you.” She weakly gestured to the room they were standing in front of. “And I overreacted and made you think something was wrong when you are already stressed out with your partner getting hurt and…” Sylvie found herself unable to keep eye contact with him, feeling too embarrassed. “I’m sorry, really.”

“Oh.” He said, surprised. As if her being shaken at the thought of him injured was not even a passing reason why she was upset in his mind. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no, no.” She sniffled, shaking her head rapidly. “You have nothing to apologize for.” She rose her head up to look into his eyes again, trying not to be alarmed by the intense concern and kindness they were holding.

“Well, I feel bad that I made you this upset.” He frowned.

“Please don’t, just worry about your partner right now.” Sylvie pleaded, looking behind her to try to get Will into the conversation. But he wasn’t there. Just then, Will walked out of the room. He probably went inside when she was crying all over Antonio’s shirt.

“She’s looking good, Antonio.” Will informed him. “I’ll go let Peter know.”

“Okay, thank you. Really.” He gave the doctor a friendly handshake. They were then alone again.

“Um, I should probably go—”

“Who’s there?” A voice croaked from inside the room. “I’m bored as hell, come in here whoever you are.”

She could have easily ignored the request and left, but Antonio pulled her inside. She didn’t even know his partner! It was too late, the woman had noticed her, and was looking curiously at their interlocking hands.

“Introducing me to your girlfriend, Dawson?” She asked with a sore voice. “This is the first thing you do when I almost die?”

Sylvie quickly separated her hand from Antonio’s, taking a step to her left, putting distance in between them. “No!” She shot his partner’s question down. “No, of course not, I’m just, uh, a friend. And I just ran into him so….” She trailed off, but then realized she didn’t introduce herself. “Oh! I’m Sylvie Brett. Hi.” She awkwardly waved. “I’m sorry, about what happened to you.” She lamely said.

“Laura Nagel.” She replied back. “And okay. I guess I’m just going to pretend I didn’t see you sobbing in his arms minutes ago.”

Sylvie winced. She didn’t realize that Laura was so blunt.

“Nagel.” There was a warning tone in Antonio’s voice. “You’re the one who wanted her to come in here….”

“Right. I’m sorry.” To give her credit, she did seem sincere. “But I’m bored!”

“……You literally woke up five minutes ago.” He deadpanned.

Even though Laura was awake and responsive, it was clear she was still very weak and would need plenty of time to recover. Sylvie couldn’t help but stare at the heavily bandaged left side. That had to have been where she was shot.

“Do you want to see it?” She noticed Sylvie staring, beginning to unwrap the bandage.

“Don’t do that!” Sylvie couldn’t help but snap, becoming alarmed. Her arms shot forward, prepared to rewrap. But Laura didn’t continue, leaning her head back with a laugh.

“I’m just messing with you.” She informed her, grabbing the plastic cup of water to her right.

“Well it isn’t funny, you were seriously hurt!”

“You don’t even know me.” She shot back, becoming defensive. It could only mean she was beginning to be in more pain.

“You could call the nurse for pain medicine, you know.” Sylvie informed her.

“I’m fine.” She waved off her concerns. She turned her attention to Antonio, who had been silent the past couple minutes. “You okay?” She asked him.

He seemed surprised. “Me? Why wouldn’t I be? I’m standing here, aren’t I?”

“True, true.” She muttered, sipping her water. “He’s lucky to be alive.” She informed Sylvie. “I pushed him out of the way. The guy had the gun aiming towards his head—”

“Laura!” Antonio snapped, the anger in his voice causing her to stop talking immediately, head whipping towards him in surprise. “She doesn’t need to hear that.”

She turned to Sylvie. “Do you want to hear about it?” She asked.

Sylvie shook her head, feeling slightly shaken at the information that was just revealed. “No, no thanks.” She declined, finding herself reaching to an empty chair to steady herself. She tried not to notice how intently Antonio was watching her.

They were then joined by Peter Stone, whose presence only made her feel more uncomfortable. She was surrounded by people Antonio worked with, who had no idea who she was. She had no place here, it was clearly inappropriate for her to stay—

“You were the woman who was trying to talk to me earlier.” Peter stopped right in front of her. “Do you still need something?”

Sylvie shook her head, the room suddenly feeling too packed. She needed to get out. “No, I figured everything out. Thank you.” She met Laura’s eyes. “Well, I’m going to be going now, I have to get back to work, I hope you feel better.”

“Thanks.” She gave Sylvie a nod back.

Before she could say goodbye to Antonio and Peter, Gabby appeared at the door. “What the hell, Brett?” She snapped, not looking pleased. Sylvie couldn’t blame her, they were in the middle of their shift and she disappeared on her. She would be irritated to if she was in her place. “I was looking everywhere for you, and you’re in here canoodling with my brother?”

“So I was right—” Laura was saying from the bed.

Sylvie couldn’t help but flush at the accusation. “No, no!” She quickly denied Gabby. “I’ll explain later.”

Luckily for Sylvie, she eagerly agreed. “Good plan, because we have to go.” She gestured to the door, taking a few steps backward. “I don’t think getting fired would be much fun.”

“It wouldn’t.” Sylvie grimaced, following her friend. Before she left the room completely, she turned back towards Antonio. “I’m sorry about, well, you know. Me crying all over you and all that. Also, please don’t be held at gunpoint again anytime soon.” She tried to joke, but it fell flat.

He opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Gabby. “Sylvie! Come on!” She yelled from down the hall.

She dashed out of the room, not bothering to look back. She had lives to save.

#my post #brettonio #brettonio fanfiction #brettonio ff #sylvie #antonio #gabby #nagel #will #peter

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whimsyfox · 7 years

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An indulgence, as I needed a spot to write up a little META. These are some of my thoughts on the ‘is Good Hal/Bad Hal a split personality’ debate, but also as a supplement to my own fanfiction story, which is about Hal’s life with Sylvie, the one love he thinks about when he needs to stop himself. So alot of this is in general, but a few comments wont make sense unless you read my fic.

I wasn’t fond of how the whole split personality idea was introduced in the show, him choking, blacking out, being all sexy wicked bad, then choking his way back. And it was hard to reconcile this episode with his prequel where he was Bad but knew he’d be turning soon and came to Leo for help. My (mis)understanding of split personality was only based on movies, and in many of what I’ve seen, the personalities don’t know of each other, they are drastically different from each other, they have blackout periods and never remember what they did. But then I did some research, and this convinced me that he could indeed have a version of Dissociative identity disorder. The symptoms had an impact on my interpretation of how Hal deals with traumatic events and guilt, and how Sylvie’s fate came about.

1. Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is thought to be a complex psychological condition that is likely caused by many factors, including severe trauma during early childhood (usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, or emotional abuse).

Well we know from his prequel that he grew up in a brothel in the 15th century and by the time the army surgeon found him he had “seen every dark corner of the human heart”. It’s easy to extrapolate that he had suffered all types of abuse growing up, was likely put to use in the brothel for those clients that had a predilection for pretty young boys. So, check.

2. Along with the dissociation and multiple or split personalities, people with dissociative disorders may experience a number of other psychiatric problems, including symptoms:

Depression - Regus’s comment “Ignore him, he’s not happy unless he’s miserable”

Mood swings - I think we can agree that vampires are moody

Suicidal tendencies - how many times did he ask Tom to kill him?

Sleep disorders (insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking) - This is my personal canon, and it’s addressed a tiny bit more in the epilogue. I had the inspiration for it from Rubyrosettared's fic “Numb”. This is my interpretation of how Hal didn’t seem to be aware that he was about to revert, but Sylvie wasn’t surprised.

Anxiety, panic attacks, and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to stimuli or “triggers”) - The panic attack when he encounters Natasha and has to resort to arranging the paper clips is the biggest one I remember.

Alcohol and drug abuse - *cough* Blood *cough*

Compulsions and rituals - not stopping on the left hand side because it’s unlucky; the domino spiral; his strict rota

Psychotic-like symptoms (including auditory and visual hallucinations) - Hal warns Crumb and Alan about this, and we indeed saw it happen when vampires try to detox

Eating disorders - Does the whole drink blood for 50 years then starve for 55 count?

3. Other symptoms of dissociative identity disorder may include headache, amnesia, time loss, trances, and “out of body experiences.”

Also part of my personal canon, inspired by the fact that on three distinct occasions in the show, Hal seemed to be in a trance, and was confused after. In S4 after Leo died, when grown up Eve urged him to kill baby Eve. When Tom stopped him, Hal seemed to wake up, and answered that he didn’t know what he was doing. At the end of S4 when Mr. Snow welcomed him back into the fold (although that could have been due to some sort of supernatural link through the blood that runs through him from Mr. Snow). And, in S5 when The Controversial Split Personality happened, and Crumb proposed they both drink the blood. Crumb obviously chose the werewolf blood, and Hal almost drank the human blood, but Alex stopped him. “Were you going to drink that?” “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”

As for amnesia, I had assumed that his personalities would have holes in their memories. I had a hard time reconciling Bad Hal’s words to Tom “We wake up in the world the other has created around them.” with the fact that Good Hal tells Annie. “I never forget anything.” How can Hal know all the horrible things he’s done if his other personality had done them. But then I found out that he could suffer from Dissociative fugue. ‘a rare psychiatric disorder characterized by reversible amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality, and other identifying characteristics of individuality. The state is usually short-lived (ranging from hours to days), but can last months or longer.’ So, it is entirely possible the memories would come back quickly. Maybe his vampiric state has something to do with that.

4. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism – the person literally dissociates himself from a situation or experience that’s too violent, traumatic, or painful to assimilate with his conscious self.

I think this could be why he can fight for so long, and then the guilt is too much to bear and he flips. In the show, even though he’d drunk blood several times, and he knew it was coming - "feed the monster a little to keep it from taking alot, from taking everything" - the blood wasn’t that the cause of him reverting. It was Alex loosing faith in him. He couldn’t bear having disappointed her. For my story, after the events of Chapter 24 and 25, when Good Hal realizes what he’s done, it’s too much for him to bear.

A final note, Jamie Mathiason, one of the BH writers, said that Hal is a bit autistic. I always suspected something like that, and it surely comes into play somehow.

#Being Human #Hal #Hal Yorke #Sylvie #fanfiction #meta

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leradny · 7 years

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Emerald City has its shortcomings, but one thing I absolutely love about it is that women are given the complete freedom to fail, to succeed, to do nice things, to do really terrible things. Every single one of them.

A brief explanation about why I won’t include Tip: Tip is a very important character, but he is a boy. He was born in a female body, but due to lack of resources, he cannot return to his preferred gender, nor can he pass for it. That is the only reason he presents as feminine. He was raised as a boy, and identifies as one exclusively. So, he’s not here. Although I love him.

Anyway, back to the women and girls.

For one thing, there are a lot, both in the background, and with speaking roles. There are young girls and old women. There are women who stay chaste. There are women who work at a brothel.

Even the minor female characters are given lives, backstories, and relationships. You don’t know the whole story and sometimes they don’t speak, but you get the sense that there is a whole story.

One of the most unorthodox ways Emerald City gets its plot rolling that I’ve never seen to the same extent in any other work of fiction is how significant events happen off-screen. This is generally eschewed in fiction for a very good good reason most of the time. But here it is handled, for the most part, in an ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL way to give agency to all of its characters.

For example: My favorite character Mistress East, the most Merciful and Stern (AND BEAUTIFUL). The very fact that they juxtapose two seemingly contradictory things alludes to this convention of not showing the full picture, and allowing women to have fully rounded characters. We only see the Stern part of Mistress East for the short time she’s on screen. She tortures the main character. And yet, people are so very genuinely affected by her death! The Munja’kin exalt her, and torture Dorothy because they want to bring a murderer to justice. West runs out crying into the street. Her most loyal servant continues to guard the temple after her death. So, that merciful part of her personality must be there. We simply didn’t get to see it.

This juxtaposition is also evident in East’s costume design. She has Florence Kasumba’s shaved head, which is genuinely coded as a masculine trait. See: Furiosa, which works very well for that particular show. But this is not Mad Max. Emerald City threw masculine and feminine coding out the window for East! She has a shaved head, but pairs it with the most impractical, haute couture dress of any character in the show. It’s red and silky with a black feathered collar and beautiful intricate golden gauntlets, and there is not only one twenty-foot train, there are several. Keep in mind that Florence Kasumba could have very easily worn a wig for this role to look more feminine according to “traditional” gender roles, and yet was allowed to keep her hairstyle.

Another way is how they allow all of their characters the potential to do very good things, very bad things, and things the viewer doesn’t quite feel comfortable with. Not to say these characters don’t have defined personalities. But you can’t really guess what a character’s going to do.

Dorothy Gale is mostly a really good person. She is the hero, a woman of color, and by profession a nurse. She fits into that profession quite naturally. She takes care of dogs and children and she loves her adoptive family. But she also steals medicine if her family needs it and cannot get it, for whatever reason. She doesn’t default to hurting or killing people, but she totally will if it means her or them.

Sylvie is mostly a really sweet little girl who very rarely speaks and is mostly carried around by Lucas or looked after by Dorothy or playing with Toto. But after being established as such and getting abducted, Dorothy spends a lot of time trying to rescue her from a couple who tries to abduct her. Our heroine storms into the house, only to find that Sylvie has turned her abductors into stone off-screen.

Mistress West is mostly defined by being a sex and drug addict. She’s not very nice. She shouts at her servants. She ruthlessly discards people once she’s not interested in them anymore. She outright lies to someone. But, well, she still genuinely values honesty outside of it. She’s witty. She is genuinely traumatized by the death of her sisters.

Princess Langwidere, is mostly the strange girl who always wears masks and just buys Jack because she likes him. And then she goes from spoiled, eccentric princess to a terrifyingly shrewd politician when it’s revealed she’s been ruling the kingdom instead of her father for a long time. She busts out that AMAZING speech where she point-blank refuses to help the Wizard because he ignored her kingdom, and she will gladly see Oz burn to the ground. I love floaty eccentric girls. I love hyper-capable women. Princess Langwidere is literally two of my favorite character types IN ONE PERSON.

One character who haunts me is Mombi. As actors, women run into a lot of limitations with their craft because generally, nobody looks pretty when they emote with intensity. And women run into far less opportunities as they age because they also tend to look less pretty. But here is an older woman who is not only given screen-time, but artistic freedom. Spit FLIES OUT OF HER MOUTH when she rages at Dorothy! She is given the power to tackle, strangle, and overpower the younger heroine. And we completely believe that Dorothy will die! Lucas, a fucking 6′3″ soldier, has to stab Mombi in the heart, drag her off, and bash her in the skull before getting Dorothy away to safety. And he still doesn’t kill her! Nope!

Women in Emerald City are just as flawed and detailed and individual and self-serving and selfless and hypocritical as any of the men. I could write an essay about literally every female character, because all of them have done something that directly affects the plot. I may not like all of the characters, and they might not all have the same amount of screen time, but every single one of them has agency and relevance, and that is the level of equality this industry needs.

#emerald city #feminism #meta

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merriemelodie · 7 years

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18, 34, 51, 82!

b l e s s

18.) Tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

For context: I am…shall we say, fond of ugly selfies. The uglier the photo (and the more chins there are), the funnier I find it, and the more I laugh. I LOVE TO LAUGH. Ergo: LOTS OF UGLY SELFIES ABOUND with me and my #squad.

So, there was this one time when we were talking about something—and, in a shocking turn of events, I GOT VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT. I sent them a snap of myself (and my ten overly-excitable chins), with a caption exclaiming that “MY BODY IS READY!!!”

…except it wasn’t.

Because, as it turns out, my body wasn’t ready. No, pals, it was ROAST.

“#MyBodyIsRoast”

(It’s been two years, and I still haven’t lived that typo down. MY LEGACY IS TO LITERALLY BE #ROAST)

34.) Tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. What is it called? What does it look like? Do you still keep it?

I had LOTS of stuffed animals when I was younger, but the one that was ~nearest and dearest to my heart~ was a stuffed brown monkey that I named Sylvie. (I can’t even tell you where I pulled that name from, especially given the age I was when I got her—but, hey, given the francophile I’d become later on, it’s nothing if not appropriate!) She’s roughly a foot tall, with brown velour fur and an old necklace of mine around her neck (with a black and iridescent star pendant). She’s still next to my bed now!

51.) Think of a person. What song do you associate with them?

My brother. If he doesn’t end up working for the Disney company, especially in the creative entertainment division (where a lot of the technical aspects of shows are covered, like theming, storyboarding, audiovisual element design, etc.), I’ll eat my own hat. You hear me? I’LL EAT IT.

One of my most favorite memories with him was the time we spent closely following the development of the World of Color nighttime spectacular out at Disney’s California Adventure in 2010. Now, you should know that my favorite film (Disney AND in general) is Pocahontas. You should also know that one of the very first segments created for the show (and, as it turns out, one of the most significant) is the “Colors of the Wind” segment, featuring “Just Around The Riverbend,” as well as a fully orchestrated re-recording of the “Finale” track of the Pocahontas OST, complete with choir.

I distinctly remember watching the early storyboards of that segment, the first lighting tests, the projections, the water jets—and, finally, after months and months of watching the progress over a computer screen, seeing the breathtaking final product in front of my own eyes, all while holding his hand.

This song (which should start at 14:53) is the soundtrack for an infinitely precious bundle of memories (co-starring an infinitely precious person) that I’ll never forget. It’s very special to me.

82.) Are/were you good in school?

OHOH, YES.

I was what they called a ~gifted child~ (…but only in English/writing, LOL). Like, I couldn’t balance your checkbook or put together a (non-deadly) chemical reaction, but ASK ME TO SPEW OUT 10,000 WORDS EXPOUNDING UPON THE VIRTUES OF THE OXFORD COMMA and I’M YA GURL. It was a source of pride, in a sense, although it also meant a lot of unfortunate implications in a few other ways, too—the source of comments like ��Wait, you didn’t know [x]??? Wow, I thought you were SMART,” or “I can’t believe this; I had higher hopes/expectations/WHATEVERS for you. I thought you knew better than doing/saying/thinking [x], GUESS I WON’T MAKE THAT MISTAKE TWICE,” or, y’know, plenty of other delightfully fulfilling experiences like that. SO HEY I GUESS ANXIETY WAS MY PARTING GIFT IN A TERRIBLE AND UNWINNABLE GAME LOL ISN’T THAT GR8 “THANKS FOR PLAYING HERE’S A CRIPPLING FEAR OF UNDERPERFORMANCE YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT NOW.”

…To be fair, it wasn’t always that bad. I mean, sure, I have ~baggage~ now, but I also have skills that were honed far more sharply that those of the “””regular kids””” (/side-eyes the public education system hard). It’s all good, though. When it comes down to it, I like my words, and I like knowing to use them. All’s well that ends well, I suppose.

(Plus, on bad days, I can console my anxiety-ridden self with the knowledge that, apparently, my reading/writing scores on our college entrance exam thingy [and on the same type of exam for my French language stuff] set new records for our school? LOL OK COOL HEY LOOK MA GUESS I’M NOT COMPLETE GARBAGE I HAVE A ~HIGH NUMBER~ TO PROVE IT)

#exemplarybehaviour #Don't you enjoy how you ask four questions AND I WRITE FOUR BOOKS #THANKS MICHELLE and also I'M SO SORRY LOL

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negrilbum · 5 years

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1. Alcohol is the best way to lubricate an evening—to get in someone’s pants and arrive at the portion of a date (or random hook-up) when you get to use the actual lubricant.

2. There’s no doubt that enough cocktails will strip you of all inhibition, which means you’re way more likely to strip your clothes off when wasted.

3. And that you’ll do so without worrying about what anyone thinks about your naked body. Lights on? Who cares!

4. Since there’s no beating around the bush (metaphorical or literal) when two people are drunk, you get to the fun stuff way faster than you otherwise would.

5. And since spirited imbibing rids you of self-doubt, there’s no play-by-play fretting throughout.

6. You don’t have to worry about when to go in for a little nipple sucking or when to grab his crotch or when to lick her pussy once you’re properly sauced.

7. You don’t have to worry about how good you are in bed, either. You’re grade-A goddess material in your own, esteemed drunken opinion.

8. And BELIEVING that you’re an animal in bed is a self-fulfilling prophecy, so you actually will be awesome in the sack if you’re drunk enough to believe you’re Jenna-Jameson-great at BJs.

9. Let’s face it: Unless you’re one of those sad, angry drunks, you’re the most fun version of yourself when blasted. Which means whomever you sleep with plastered is ten times more likely to ask you out (or booty call you) again.

10. It also means you’ll probably wow them with your willingness to experiment.

11. Nothing seems out of the realm of possibility when you’re intoxicated, so you’ll have a blast letting your freak flag fly, and inviting your partner to do the same.

12. You might even do something totally outside your dull, sober comfort zone like role-play, BDSM, or anal.

13. Not even a live masturbation demo for a stranger is out of the question when you can lean on a solid buzz.

14. After downing enough bottles of wine and/or tequila shots, you might just find yourself producing and starring in your own sex tape, which you can use to elevate your career one day and/or blackmail your hook-up (if things go that way).

15. Drunk sex is also the ideal platform for attempting some crazy acrobatic moves so you can cite “the upside-down tractor” or anything other than “missionary” or “doggy style” as your favorite position without lying your ass off.

16. Since time is pretty much suspended when you’re bombed, nobody keeps track of how long the foreplay lasts, or how long you’re able to maintain an erection.

17. And because drinking is entirely legal, you get to suggest it without about being judged, whereas whipping out a joint or a crack pipe might turn off a certain type.

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hailey-halstead · 7 years

Text

Pink Stripes

hey guys!!! i think this is the longest brettonio one-shot i have ever wrote! definitely plan on writing more pregnancy stories in the future:-) i have to write one where he finds out about her little incident that happens in this specific story.....a direct sequel :-) hope u all enjoy! Happy Chicago Fire day!!!!! hopefully there will be an antonio mention tonight😍😍as always i don't own anything! (Ps i know NOTHING about natalie manning from chicago med so just a warning if she seems OOC or whatever she was just a filler character haha) ——————— Fuck. Was the first word that ran through Sylvie's mind as she viewed the two light pink stripes on the plastic pregnancy test she was clutching in her hand. The first one that she had taken was on top of the toilet paper dispenser. This couldn't be happening at literally the worst time in the entire world. Was this a joke? A scam? No it's not. She told herself, still staring at the test. You're having a baby. It was only a few days prior that Matt and Gabby had made the hardest decision of their lives to return Louie back to his birth father. The emotional turmoil would stick with them forever, but the wounds were still fresh. Gabby had only started back at work yesterday. She was dealing with the loss of her child, and now Sylvie was going to have this news thrown in her friend's face, that she was pregnant? How could this get even more terrible? Gabby would be happy for her, she definitely knew that. But it would naw at her insides, reminding her of the boy she had just given away. Sylvie didn't want to be that for Gabby. And then there was Antonio. The father of the baby she was know carrying. Yes, they were pretty serious. She had just met his kids a couple weeks ago. That has to be the biggest sign of 'we are in a serious relationship'. However, they haven't reached the subject of kids yet. Yeah, he already has two kids, but does he want more? Personally she had always wanted kids, but honestly hasn't been thinking of them during her relationship with Antonio. It has just been so new, different. They had a considerable age difference, plus he was divorced with two kids. She continued sitting on the toilet, staring at the test. Yes, she had to worry about how she was going to tell Antonio and Gabby, as well as if she would continue working as a paramedic during her pregnancy. The job wasn't as dangerous as being a firefighter, however it wasn't a safe desk job. She had a lot of things to be cautious about. Most the important thing of all, she was going to be a mother. And when she thought about it, she technically already was, to this little bean who was living in her body. Sylvie lifted up her shirt halfway, gingerly resting her hand on her stomach. She knew it would be months before she will feel her baby kick, but just the realization that there was a human growing in her was enough to bring her to tears. The opening of the bathroom door brought her back to reality. She wiped her tears away and brought her shirt back down. She then stuffed both of the tests into her pocket, making sure they were deep enough so no one would see them and they also wouldn't fall out. She exited the bathroom, trying to ignore the strange feeling that was taking over her entire body. She then realized that 'strange feeling' she was trying to suppress: pure joy and excitement. She was going to be a mother! "What the hell is up with you?" Her thoughts came into a screeching halt when she remembered that she was no longer alone. Cruz was sitting at one of the tables, giving her a puzzled look. "Did you just get some really good news?" He pressed, leaning his chin on his hands. "If you do, you should share it. We could all benefit from hearing good news." "Er." Sylvie dumbly stared at Cruz, not knowing what to say. Ultimately, she did not want him to know before she told Antonio. "Uh, my sister had a baby." Not a total lie. Her sister did have a baby. Three years ago. For some reason Cruz bought her terrible lie. "Oh, cool." He said, looking a little disappointed by her news. He returned his attention back to the newspaper in front of him. Sylvie quickly left the room, her mind still whirling. She couldn't keep this to herself for forever. She wanted to tell someone so badly. But she was only in the middle of her shift, and wouldn't be able to see Antonio until tomorrow. In her distraction, Sylvie ran into Stella. "Oof!" She began to fall back, but she was able to maintain her balance. However she immediately grabbed hold of her stomach, thinking of the human life she was now carrying. I have to be more careful. She reminded herself, returning her attention back to Stella, whose eyes were staring at her stomach and the hand that was resting over it. She resisted the urge to quickly take it off and instead just kept her hand there. "Stomach ache." She explained, hoping Stella wouldn't be suspicious. "Cramps?" She asked, a sympathetic expression on her face. "Had mine last week." It definitely wasn't cramps, but Sylvie went along with it. "Yeah, my time of the month." She pretended to look annoyed and also let out a little sigh. "Sending prayers." Stella squeezed Sylvie's shoulder as she passed. "Thanks." She mumbled, trying to keep control of her nerves and excitement. How was she going to keep this secret? She never was good at keeping them anyways. But it was like God had just answered her prayers when the alarm went off above, calling for Ambulance 61, Truck 81, and Squad 3. Hopefully the distraction of work would keep her focused and preoccupied. Gabby was already in the driver's seat when Sylvie arrived to the garage. "I hope you don't mind." She told her, starting the engine. Sylvie shook her head, she never particularly cared if she drove or not. "It's fine by me." She responded. She sat in silence as Gabby pulled forward, leaving the firehouse and entering on the main road. The address that the dispatcher gave turned out to be a location of a lake, which was now frozen due to it being the middle of January. And in the middle was a trio of three teenagers, one already in the water and the two others struggling to stay on top of a block of floating ice. To Sylvie's dismay, they also were clearly intoxicated, at four in the afternoon. "Jesus." Gabby sighed next to her, as they observed Truck and Squad getting to work. "I know." Sylvie commented, anxiously watching as multiple members of 51 carefully walked on the frozen ice. She wondered how thick, or thin, it was. "You have the blankets ready, right?" Gabby asked, before becoming quiet when she realized that Sylvie was holding them in her hands. "You're one step ahead of me." She complimented, grabbing one of the blankets. "Sylvie!" Sylvie squinted her eyes, trying to visually find out who was calling her name. She noticed Herrmann waving his arms in the air. She handed the blankets in her arms over to Gabby, approaching the frozen lake with caution. "Yeah?" She raised her voice so Herrmann was able to hear her. "Can we pass the victims to you?" He asked. "You're the smallest, it would be the safest way." Sylvie ignored how her stomach was now twisting at his request. It would be fine, she was only going to be going about ten feet out onto the ice, and this was her job. And not only was she helping the victims, she was helping her fellow 51 members as well. But her mind couldn't help but immediately begin thinking about her child residing in her.... But she shook that thought away. She would be fine, she had nothing to worry about. She had to do her job and in order to do that she had to push those type of concerns away. Right now she had to focus on getting the three teenagers safely back to land while also making sure she wouldn't fall through the ice herself. "Sure." She gave in, taking a tentative step forward, visibly cringing when she heard the barest of crackling of the ice below her. "You good?" Sylvie nodded, trying to keep her anxiety at bay. "Yeah, I think so." She kept taking cautious steps towards Herrmann, unable to hold back a sigh of relief when she was able to grasp onto one of the teenagers. Sylvie realized that he was the one who had fallen in, as he was soaked and wouldn't stop shivering. Sylvie retraced her steps, and once she reached Gabby, she wished that she didn't have to go back on the ice. But without a second thought, she headed back onto the frozen lake. The second trip went as smoothly as the first, but halfway through bringing the last boy back to safety, the ice began to split. "Jump!" She screamed at the boy, pushing him forward. Somehow she was strong enough to cause him to move decently forward, only one of his feet went into the water, but he was able to pull himself out. Sylvie has been out in the coldest weather during various work calls, feeling like she had achieved the ultimate level of coldness. Living in the Windy City she thought she had felt it all, the hot weather and the cold. But when she fell into the subzero water, she knew this was an experience that she has never gotten close to. She felt like she was in the cold version of hell. Time felt like eternity in the frozen water, but it was actually only seconds later she was pulled out by Severide and Capp. She was feeling slightly delirious, still in shock from what had just happened. A blanket was thrown over her shoulders. Gabby's face was suddenly in front of her, her glove-clad hands clutching her cheeks. "Are you okay?" She demanded. Sylvie nodded, her body unable to stop shaking. "J-Just a little cold." She tried to reassure her friend, but when she spoke her teeth wouldn't stop chattering. Gabby grabbed Sylvie's arm, pulling her towards the ambulance where the three teenagers were residing, all huddled up under blankets. Sylvie tried to protest, but Gabby wasn't having it. "Get in there." She demanded. Sylvie complied, knowing that fighting against a stubborn Gabby would be a lost battle. She sat down next to one of the boys, bringing the blanket tighter around her body to try to warm herself up. But she new that until she got her soaked clothes off, she wouldn't be helping herself much anytime soon. Horror filled her body when she realizes that she isn't the only person that she should be worrying about. She has a very, very small human being growing inside her, one that is certainly more fragile than she is. Yes, Sylvie logically knew that the few seconds she spent in the subzero water probably wasn't enough to hurt her baby, but she was a mother now. And a mother's job was to worry. Her own mom used to tell her that all the time, but now she finally understood what she had meant. "Hey, you okay lady?" The boy next to her spoke up, words slurring together. Sylvie tried to appreciate the concern, but he was breathing directly into her face and it was making her feel nauseous. She tucked her head down towards her chin. "Yeah," She muttered, trying to keep her composure. When she got to the hospital, she could ask them to check her baby. Just for a precaution. The stress of not knowing wasn't good for the baby as well. She lifted her wet shirt slightly, just to reveal her stomach. Her blanket was covering the majority of her body, so she knew she was having a private moment between her and her child. She pressed her hand to her skin, and closed her eyes. She leaned her head back, wondering why this was the longest ambulance ride of her life. The next thing she knew, she was being shaken back and forth. Sylvie's eyes flew open, and blinked a couple times before finally seeing Gabby come into focus. "Here." She handed Sylvie an extra pair of their paramedic uniform. "I'll get them all situated inside, but text me immediately if you need anything, alright?" Sylvie nodded. "I'll be in right after I change." She reassured her. Gabby began to get off of the ambulance, but then stopped, unzipping her jacket and throwing it at Sylvie. "We don't have an extra jacket, so you wear that." Sylvie opened her mouth to complain, but Gabby didn't let her. "No arguing. You just fell into a frozen lake in the middle of winter. Now get dressed." She then finally left, shutting the vehicle's doors behind her. Sylvie had a little difficulty removing her wet clothes, they were sticking to her skin, but felt relief when they were finally off. To her disappointment, there weren't any spare bras or underwear, but decided to just go commando for the time being. She was only going to be in the hospital for a short time, and then would be back at the firehouse to put on clean undergarments. After pulling on the jacket Gabby loaned her, Sylvie opened the doors and stepped out of the vehicle. She shivered, her body still cold from earlier. Picking up her pace, she entered the hospital, sighing with relief when she felt the warm air hit her skin. "Are you better?" Gabby questioned, examining Sylvie with concern. "You could go sit down and rest for a couple of minutes." Sylvie spotted Natalie Manning a few feet away. "Actually, I'm going to go to the bathroom." She told Gabby, keeping her eyes on the pediatrician. "I won't be long!" She then made a beeline for the doctor, making sure she sped up her pace once she was out of Gabby's line of sight. "Natalie!" She managed to grab a hold of her lab coat, getting the woman to stop in her tracks. She let go quickly, not wanting to seem rude. "I'm sorry for disturbing you..." Her eyebrows furrowed. "What's wrong?" Before she revealed anything, Sylvie wanted to make sure that Natalie wasn't busy. "Do you have anywhere specific you need to be right now?" She asked. "Not particularly—" "Good!" She blurted in relief, and then took a deep breath to try to calm herself down. "Good." She repeated. Natalie grew more concerned. She grabbed Sylvie by the arm, pulling her into an empty room. "What's going on?" Sylvie's hands began to cradle her stomach as only just began imagining herself telling her the news. She realized that she didn't even have to speak out loud, Natalie's eyes followed her movement and widened. She realized what was going on. Sylvie wasn't surprised, the woman was a doctor after all. "Wow, congrats!" She wholeheartedly told her. Sylvie now had a permanent smile on her face, she had someone else to enjoy her news with. Natalie wasn't the ideal first person to tell, they weren't really even friends, merely acquaintances, but with the circumstances she knew that she had to let the cat out of the bag. "Thanks." Sylvie warmly told the doctor. "I'm actually here for a specific reason, though..." And she explained her situation to Natalie, that she had fallen into the lake, only briefly, but wanted to make sure the baby was okay. "Sure, I can do that for you." She gestured for Sylvie to take a seat. She explained herself as Sylvie sat down in the chair. "Total coincidence that this is a room with an ultrasound." "As quickly and efficiently we can do this, the better." Sylvie couldn't help but squirm when the fluid was placed on her stomach. "I need to head back to work. Gabby thinks I'm in the bathroom." "When are you going to tell her?" Natalie asked as she moved the device over her stomach. "Are you waiting?" "Not really, well not in that sense." Sylvie admitted. "She just gave up a child that, while wasn't biologically hers, was hers in every other sense. Letting her know I'm pregnant would be a slap in the face." "So....." "So I plan on not letting her know for at least a couple more weeks." Sylvie explained. "It's for the best." "Are you able to continue working as a paramedic while in your condition?" "I was planning on just for the next couple of weeks, but then today happened. And I don't know anymore." She confessed, letting her head rest back against the head cushion. But Natalie was looking at the screen above her. Sylvie's eyes followed, as her heart began pounding faster than it ever has when she viewed her tiny bean. "Wow." She breathed, staring with amazement. "That's.....that's amazing." She was finding it hard to accurately voice how she was feeling. "And the baby looks perfectly healthy." Sylvie couldn't hold back a grin when Natalie told her the news. "You're at 8 weeks, I think." "Could I get a picture?" Sylvie asked. Natalie nodded, heading out of the room briefly. "Actually, could I have two?" She called out. Antonio would probably like one. At this, Natalie turned around, an own smile on her face. "For the father?" Sylvie nodded. "Yeah, for the father." She repeated, but the smile on her face stretched from ear to ear. When Sylvie headed back to the front of the hospital, Gabby was sitting in one of the chairs, looking impatient. Sylvie gulped, wondering what kind of excuse she could use to explain why she was apparently 'in the bathroom for the past 20 minutes'. "Sorry I took so long." Sylvie apologized as she approached her. But to her surprise, the annoyance on Gabby's face cleared up right when she noticed her. "It's fine, you probably needed the few extra minutes to yourself." "Yeah, I feel a lot better." But what Gabby didn't know was she was feeling better for an entirely different reason. Knowing that her baby was okay, and getting to actually see it has totally flipped her mood around. However Sylvie knew she couldn't let her emotions show, Gabby would certainly become suspicious. They left the hospital, preparing for more calls once they got back to the fire station. Luckily for Sylvie, the rest of the shift went by smoothly. She didn't have any risky situations like the frozen lake scenario, and was able to put all of her focus into her job. Sylvie had just changed out of her work clothes and was grabbing the remaining stuff out of her locker when Stella appeared over her shoulder. "Molly's tonight?" She questioned. "After that hellish experience earlier today, I think you deserve a drink." Too bad she couldn't for another nine months, Sylvie sadly thought to herself. "Another night." She promised the firefighter, shutting her locker door. "I think I want to go home and get a good night sleep." Thankfully Stella didn't push any harder to try to convince her to go out. "We will miss you." She told her, leaving the room. "If you change your mind, come straight down." Sylvie laughed, following her out. "It's eleven at night, I don't think I will be changing my mind." She wasn't planning on telling Antonio about the pregnancy until tomorrow, but with today's events and the two photographs carefully tucked away in her purse, she couldn't wait. He was probably getting ready to go to bed, or could be already asleep, but he wouldn't be mad when he hears this exciting news. At least Sylvie kept telling herself he was going to be excited. She wouldn't let herself go down the path of negativity. Stella seemed to have guessed where she was heading to. "Going to your boy's place?" And laughed when Sylvie's face started to turn red. They exited the building, heading to their respective cars. As Sylvie got into her car, she hears Stella call out one last thing. "The offer still stands!" Sylvie stuck her head out of her window, laughing. Stella was super persistent. "I'll tell Antonio you said hello!" She didn't wait to hear Stella's reply, or maybe her friend didn't hear her at all. Either way, Sylvie started her car, trying to control her nerves as she headed to Antonio's apartment. She had both pregnancy tests and the two sonograms in her bag, definitely planning on using at least one of them when she revealed to Antonio that she was pregnant. Or she was going to use both. Honestly, she had completely no idea what she was going to do once she got to his place. Would she say a long speech, or just blurt it out? A part of her was worried her emotions would take over and she would start hysterically crying. She probably was going to end up winging it, but trying to have multiple backup plans was helping lessen her anxiety. She refused to let herself come up with a plan if he didn't want the baby. She wouldn't let her mind enter that territory. There was no reason to freak out over something that might not even happen. Still, Sylvie knew the knots in stomach wouldn't be untangled until she would see Antonio's reaction. After pulling into the garage of Antonio's apartment complex, Sylvie took a couple minutes to herself to try to calm down and collect her thoughts. "I can do this." She told herself out loud, the overwhelming silence of everything else making her focus just on her voice. "Everything will be okay." After allowing herself a moment of silence, she took a deep breath and stepped out of her car. The walk to his specific apartment seemed longer than usual, definitely because of the added anticipation she was feeling. But she soon made it to the elevator, and then finally was on the floor his apartment resided on. "Well here goes nothing." Sylvie muttered, taking one more deep breath before knocking on Antonio's door. He had given her a key, but she honestly felt like she was still barging into his apartment with it, so she preferred knocking. Minutes passed, which made Sylvie realize that he had to have been sleeping. Good going, Sylvie. She thought to herself, bouncing her weight back and forth between her legs. She knew if she had to wait any longer she would between pacing the hallway. But the door opened. And unfortunately she was right, Antonio was in his pajamas with bed-head hair, looking exhausted. Sylvie racked through her brain, trying to remember what day of the week it was.... "Oh no!" She cried out, her free hand going over her mouth in shock. "It's Wednesday, isn't it?" Her tired boyfriend nodded, letting out a loud yawn. "Yeah, it's Wednesday." He repeated. Wednesday's were his worst days at work, for no particular reason. He always seemed to have the hardest cases with the most difficult of families. And countless other obstacles seemed to show up. A couple weeks ago, his coffee maker broke on a Wednesday. And a few weeks before that, he got a flat tire. Sylvie had no idea what happened this particular Wednesday, but judging by his exterior appearance, it was exactly the same as the others. "I'm sorry, Antonio." She gently grabbed one of his hands, allowing herself into his apartment. "But I have news that couldn't wait until morning." She directed the sleepy man to the couch, eagerly awaiting his every move. "It's fine." He yawned again. "Is something wrong?" "No. I mean, you could possibly think it will be wrong, but I don't think you will—" Sylvie was realizing exhaustion was getting to her, as she was finding it difficult to articulate her words accurately. "Sylvie, just tell me. We both won't know how I will feel until I know what the news is." "I think it might be better if I show you." She told him, bringing her bag into her lap. As she searched through, trying to find one of the pregnancy tests and sonograms, she could feel Antonio's confusion grow. "What do you mean show me?" Sylvie didn't answer him, her attention on her bag and what was inside it. She unzipped one of the side compartments, gingerly pulling out one of the sonograms. She removed it from the bag quickly, yelling "don't look!" to Antonio, who claimed he wasn't, but Sylvie knew he was trying to get some kind of clue. She tucked the piece of paper underneath her thigh, making sure she wasn't going to crinkle it. She found the pregnancy test a few seconds later. This was it, the moment of truth. There was no reason to delay it for any longer. She reached for the sonogram, making sure the plastic test was in her other hand. After taking another deep breath, she plopped but of the objects into Antonio's lap. She dug her nails into her thighs, trying not to freak out over the anticipation of his reaction. She doesn't remember any other moment she has felt this anxious and excited. He picked both objects up, one in each hand. But Sylvie was intently watching his face, wanting to see every emotion that came across his face. The first she was able to distinguish was shock, which Sylvie was able to understand. Hell, that was the first one that she felt herself. But then Antonio directed a question at her. "Is this–Are you really–" His eyes were wider than she had ever seen them, and his jaw was on the floor. He was completely caught off guard. Not sure if she could trust herself from having an emotional breakdown, she only nodded her head. She let out a shriek when Antonio suddenly pulled her forward, bringing her onto his lap. "The sonogram—" She warned him, not wanting to damage it. "It's on the table, it's fine." He mumbled into her hair. He kept his hold on Sylvie, but brought his head back, making eye contact with her. "This is real? One hundred percent real??" "It's one hundred fifty percent real." Sylvie reassured him, resting her hands on his thighs. "You're going to be a dad again, old man." She couldn't resist the tease. At the beginning of their relationship, she knew their age difference was a sore spot to him, but now he only rolled his eyes and scoffed when Sylvie decided to throw in the rare dig. "I'll keep that in mind when you're 9 months pregnant, begging me to go out to get you some specific kind of ridiculous food." Antonio dryly told her, shutting her up. "I won't be able to go out, my joints will be aching." But even he still had a big smile on his face, letting Sylvie know that he wasn't serious. "So you're happy?" Sylvie couldn't resist asking, wanting a confirmation. "Hell yes I am happy!" He told her, reaching over to pick up the sonogram. He stared at it in amazement, tracing his fingers over the picture of the tiny fetus. "Holy shit." He mumbled, only awe shining through his eyes. "Holy shit, indeed." She echoed his words, as love filled her heart while silently viewing Antonio examine the paper, one of the most amazing sites she has ever witnessed in her life.

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