#[ god; all i can think about (especially) is the 'what-ifs'-- literally. doubt. /doubt/. and that is what makes her so good. so real. ]

[iniziare]

Muse Aesthetic / Feelings

𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒.  being unable to stop smiling. laughter. bear hugs. happy tears. waving arms around. dancing. contently sighing. eyes twinkling. laughter lines. childlike playfulness. skipping. talking more. affection. cracking more jokes than usual. gesturing more when talking. higher pitched voice. squealing. jumping around. clapping.

𝐒𝐀𝐃𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒. tearing up. self-hugging. one-arm cross. an aching chest. scratchy throat. a runny nose. turning away. deep breaths. quivery smiles. crying. infantile sobbing. hands gripping each other or an object. covering mouth. puffy eyes. eyes appear red. voice breaking. a distant or empty stare. monotone voice. asking for comfort. faking a smile. crumbling. shaking. whimpering. depression. abusing an unhealthy habit (excessive training). withdrawing from others. big teary eyes. doing something even if it could hurt them.

𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑. furrowed brows. baring teeth. passive-aggressive comments. avoiding eye contact. sarcasm. headache. sore muscles. hiding clenched fists. irritability. jumping to conclusions. raising voice. going silent. demanding immediate action. keeping it all in until exploding. body tensing. making risky decisions. middle finger.

𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐑.  wanting to flee or hide. what-ifs. images of what-could-be flashing in mind. uncontrollable trembling. rapid breathing. screaming. a skewed sense of time. irritability. keeping silent. denying fear. turning away from the cause. pretending to be brave. nail-biting. lip-biting. scratching skin. a joking tone but a voice that cracks. fainting. insomnia. panic attacks. exhaustion. substance abuse. tics. rushing adrenaline. face draining of colour. hair lifting on the back of the neck. feeling rooted to the spot (!!!) making body as small as possible. staring but not seeing. crying. a shrill voice. whispering. gripping something or someone. stuttering. flinching at noises. pleading.

𝐄𝐗𝐇𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍.  constantly yawning. blurring words together. dark circles or lines under eyes. mood swings. hallucinations. calling people by the wrong name. dizziness. denying they’re tired. slow blinking. trouble concentrating. stumbling. leaning on a doorframe for support. sluggish movements. falling asleep someplace that isn’t a bed. becoming irritated by the smallest things. “i’m awake, i’m fine.” shaking so bad they spill their drink. fall asleep in their clothes. lay their head on the table because they’re so tired.passing out.

Tagged by: @militus an age and a half ago 🤍 Thank you, I had fun! Tagging: /cracks knuckles. @sicsemper (Gee, I wonder who), @rcdfcxr (initially I wanted to request just Rufus, but I'm really interested in Reno as well, so both!), @inventorem (@aworldofyou because I don't know if you'll see this otherwise), @svnsworn (Jessie), @blitzrod, @tscng, @sentmail (I'm on the 'Lemme learn about Kunsel' train, shh), @lionfated (I've been missing Leon, pretty please), @annjiru (I also am on the Angael train still), @cwarscars (I need you to envision me as a koala very dramatically clinging to your leg), @spynorth (if you tell me you've done it already Lucas, it doesn't matter, do it again and again!), @trickstercaptain, @freedomhasfangs, @lighthouseborn (I can never have enough Henry Turner in my life, ever), @weaponiised, but also— @liifestreams (please give me Reeve, the novel is killing me slowly and he killed me a little). And anyone else? Steal it, I'm sure I've forgotten people and it's nothing personal whatsoever!

#[ tifa lockhart. ] she had buried the twinges of guilt beneath the narcissism of self-sacrifice. beneath the belief of 'the greater good'. #[ tifa lockhart / et cetera. ] but i work for shinra. i'm the enemy. / i don't care. i don't want anyone to die. please! #[ tifa lockhart / meta. ] people have many things pent up inside of themselves. so many things they can never forget. strange isn't it? #[ it has been years and i still never can decide what to 'file' this stuff under. probably just a me problem. ] #[ it's not quite meta because i didn't write it-- it's also not 'relevance' because-- well. not using it for this. ] #[ any way-- this was /very/ fun actually. and i sat here in contemplation for a few of them. ] #[ this actually puts into perspective; again; why i love the nuance of animation that remake gives tifa. ] #[ the voice and animation definitely added to just about anyone; i always want to point out how much of tifa is in the subtleties. ] #[ the clenched fists-- the self-hugging. the doubt that lingers within regardless of anger. and how it's shown even in little gestures. ] #[ like when she suggests going out on the town with cloud and he questions her for half a moment-- she folds back in on herself. ] #[ same thing with the train for example-- literally rooted in place. and it's not taking away from the bravery she holds on many levels. ] #[ it's the nuance of bravery-- that it isn't black or white. you can have doubt and i think the remake did a chef's kiss job with that. ] #[ because we're so immensely layers as human beings-- so it's incredible to me to see a game reflect on that so heavily. ] #[ that game is incredibly human. it's an incredibly good depiction of human nature and reactions. ] #[ and god-- the VAs add to that magnificently. truly. ] #[ i literally cannot praise britt enough. she was so nervous and she aced it. they all did. ] #[ god; all i can think about (especially) is the 'what-ifs'-- literally. doubt. /doubt/. and that is what makes her so good. so real. ] #[ i'm gonna ramble a little more; excuse me-- can we talk about how realistic that is? no one who's brave won't doubt their actions. ] #[ tifa has lost everything to shinra-- sephiroth is shinra 'gone wrong'. she lost everything at his hands and no one could stop him. ] #[ not even shinra itself and that's very important. there's so much anger there that drives her to do selfish things. ] #[ and i note selfish because on the way to a smile has touched on this magnificently as i'd hoped it would. ] #[ she wants them to pay-- she wants her revenge. but she; arguably more than anyone; is aware of what that costs. ] #[ if avalanche goes through with this-- and she helps-- AND SHE DOES. she is responsible for people losing... ] #[ what she once lost. ] #[ and that is /so important/ to her character. before that happens; she is riddled with doubt. before she boards the train-- ] #[ when she's boarded the train and needs to jump off. that moment is /the/ moment where she makes a huge decision. ] #[ because look at how she is once she's jumped off. that entire chapter. she's relatively certain. she's going through with it. ] #[ no way back. ] #[ and then the plate falls not long after. /and then the plate is dropped/. yep. ] #[ ... i'm about to hit tag limit; don't worry-- i'll type about this soon. it's in my onenote! ]

[novantinuum]

Trollhunters alt timeline AU concept:

Okay, so since I’ll never have the emotional energy to Write It in full, I just want to share my wild ass Trollhunters alt timeline AU, inspired by that chaos ride of a movie.

Disclaimer: Personally speaking, I actually enjoyed the RotT movie for the absolutely absurdist, emotion-murdering storyline it was. I can certainly say that it... (and in fact, Wizards too) most definitely doesn’t follow the ToA personal canon I hold in my heart, BUT- I don’t consider my idea a “fix-it” because I strongly dislike using that term myself. In all its imperfection, canon simply is what it is, and thus my idea is instead just a wild little AU concept, because thinking about what-ifs is fun. However, given that self-indulgence is a hoot, this is also my way of molding a plotline where some of my favored elements get to play in to everything.

Beginnings:

This AU diverges from the very end of the RotT movie.

So… from my reading of the last scene, one could argue that Jim’s canon decision to return to before he picked up the amulet and avoid picking it up again was born out of a sense of failure… a feeling that he failed as a hero because he wasn’t there to save his best friend from dying. He kinda wished himself (as he is, as the Trollhunter) away in a “It’s a Wonderful Life” type manner, hoping that by simply allowing someone else to take up the mantle, maybe things could end up better.

In this AU, instead of sending himself back to before he picked up the amulet, Jim’s last spoken desire before he uses the time crystal is a stubborn, confident assertion. Not doubting his own ability as the Trollhunter, but resolving to save all his friends in whatever way he can.

And he’s going to do this starting from Draal.

However, there’s a catch. This time crystal… powerful magic like this always poses consequences. And once he uses it, he discovers that the terms of this second chance are that no one can ever find out that this previous world ever existed. Jim is alone in his knowledge. He must tread carefully. Should anyone ever discover this secret… cataclysm will occur.

Time will shatter.

No pressure, or anything.

Timeline 2.0:

Future Jim is shucked back to his old body somewhere amidst early season 3. His first goal is keeping Draal alive. His foreknowledge of Angor Rot’s involvement in Merlin’s tomb will aid them greatly in how to better protect his friends.

His second goal... is one that he’s kinda of two minds about, but knows is desperately necessary for the fights he’ll face in the future. He’ll of course have to become a half-troll again. Thankfully, this go around it’s entirely his choice, and he knows it’s coming. That transition will be easier. Along with this... he knows he’ll have to somehow manage to keep ahold of his amulet. He can’t let the Arcane Order destroy it, and he can’t let them take control of him. If he stands any chance of being on top of his game in the early stages of their eventual fight against the titans, he’ll need to keep both that AND remain half-troll.

His challenge early on: Jim is stuck in the very awkward position of having to play chess master with events that he’s already lived through, so as to attain the same old victories WHILE ensuring all of his allies come out alive this time around... and WHILE not cluing anyone else in on the fact that he knows their futures. The stress involved with that is immense, and there’s bound to be instances in which he’s very clumsy with how he manages this. One of the largest early consequences of this second timeline is that he grows more emotionally distant from his friends and allies, especially those who had died in the original timeline... because after all, it’s almost as if he’s walking among ghosts, right now.

I honestly don’t know exactly how Wizards would shift because I haven’t seen it in eons, but Jim still has to ensure they end up in the past, right? Since he knows they’re a part of the past for better or for worse. He isn’t injured this time around, he likely has been hiding his amulet while back there, and there’s no beast Jim situation because the Arcane Order hasn’t wrest control of him. That’s all I know at the moment.

But yeah, those earlier battles end in victory (or partial victory, since of course the Arcane Order are a slippery bunch)... all allies are still alive... Jim remains half-troll by the beginning of the events of RotT in timeline 2.0...

HOWEVER.

Because of Jim’s extreme focus on keeping his friends- Nomura, Nari, Strickler, Toby- alive... because of how bonds within the group have weakened from his emotional distance... his second go at trying to stop complete armaggeddon is an entire failure.

Nari is saved, but they fail at stopping the other two titans. The world is set to be reborn in ice and fire. Jim has failed, once again. It’s at this moment that in a fit of frustration and rage, he lets his secret slip... accidentally reveals what was supposed to remain hidden... that this is his Second Time experiencing this.

Time shatters.

And then, the whole of creation falls silent. On pause, for Jim’s eyes only.

At this point in this AU story, since I am super self indulgent, I want to do a literal God from the Machine. Because I had a concept flash into my mind... a concept of a literal ancient deity rising from a deep sleep to set her attention upon the mess these mortals have created. All she appears as is bright, blinding light, and an echoing, sonorous voice.

When Jim asks her identity, she simply replies that she is the First Spark. The origin of all life, light, and magic. She has many names… names that countless souls have used to name their young in unknowing reverence… but one in particular that he might recognize.

Deya.

This goddess is the embodiment of daylight and creation, and the sword Jim wields? The armor? It is essentially made of her body. Her power. Her essence. Stripped away and used for whatever purpose mortals desired whilst she slept. How egotistical, she thinks, that Merlin directed all glory towards himself, rather than to the deity that allowed for his use of magic in the first place.

And so Deya reveals that she aims to clean up this cataclysm by returning the world to its original state. The original timeline. The one where this world hasn’t been destroyed in a horrible cataclysm. Jim, of course… immediately protests. Brings up all the hard, desperate days he lived just to get this far, just to save his closest friends and family. Begs her to do something, ANYTHING to help.

And eventually… the goddess offers up a choice. She’ll agree to restore the individuals who were dead in the original timeline, weaving the living souls of those in the second timeline into the first… but. To provide consequence for the disastrous mess mortal kind made, she refuses to use such power of resurrection in a “pick and choose” sort of manner. If she’s going to resurrect Jim’s allies, then she’s going to resurrect his enemies too. Everyone who has died throughout his journey will be brought back, no matter their alignment with the Trollhunter team.

Now, in order to save everyone, Jim must once again risk re-igniting the same conflicts with many of these foes all over again... except this time, in new paradigms and patterns that even he cannot predict. Is it worth it, for his friends? For the ones he loves?

Endgame:

Jim makes the deal. All the dead are restored. As time begins to flow again, they stand in the rubble of the titan they destroyed in timeline one. Jim feels great anxiety at the thought of the last two members of the Arcane Order being alive once more, but at very least the titans they piloted are no more. They’d have to come up with a new plan of attack now, if they had their hearts set on the same goal.

Toby is alive. So is Strickler, Nomura, Draal, Nari... Those who were dead, however... quickly realize that they remember dying. Those who remained alive in both timelines realize that they possess memories of both. Certain relationships will likely be rocky and strained for the first while.

Somewhere on this planet, old foes, old allies, and unpredictable agents alike have returned from the cold grasp of death with a shock. It’s anyone’s guess what new rivalries, alliances, and driving plans will emerge this time. At the very least, however... team Trolhunters is intact... and they’re more than willing to face this new, unpredictable future once more, wherever it leads. Together, hand-in-hand.

Fin.

#trollhunters #tales of arcadia #rise of the titans #jim lake jr #my post stuff #toa spoilers

[venteamocha]

Hello! Sometimes I see you post stuff from IF blogs and I've recently started playing some IF games, which I've enjoyed so far. Do you have any IF stories you'd recommend in particular? I'm not attached to any particular genre and I don't need romance or a self-insert main character, (though I'm not opposed to either). Though, it's a definite plus if it's LGBTQ+ inclusive! I'm not really sure what the "cornerstones" are of IF so I'll take any and all recommendations haha

Oh god, I play so many IFs. So many. And it’s not even close to all of them, but I’m trying!!

Tbh IFs without romance seems to be very rare, I think because when I think IF I think Choice of Games, and those pretty much always have romance in them. At least, the most well known ones do. But a well done one without romance would be nice too!

Okay, this is a list of my favourites! They’re all LGBT+ inclusive, and most have gender selectable love interests, or at least ones that change gender depending on the gender and sexuality combination you pick. In no particular order, of course.  Behind a cut because I’m gonna give them each a mini review. Because I haven’t done that yet.

(There are so many.)

Mind Blind: I absolutely love our big brother Nick, I love how witty and sharp so much of the dialogue is, I love how the MC clearly has a rather large handicap, but is still such an important person to so many people and not looked down on in the slightest. And when they are, we all know it’s because that person is a jerk! They’re not defined by what they aren’t, but what they are, and that’s a great message.

Shepherds of Haven: Part of why I love this one so much is I just love fantasy settings and this one just pulls it off so well. The cast is full of amazing characters, and I gotta say I die inside pretty regularly for not being able to afford the patreon content, lol. The author puts so much amazing stuff on there, and gives us so much great content in the game and through answers on tumblr, and you can tell this whole thing is just the best thing ever to them, and that makes it the best ever for us readers too!

The Wayhaven Chronicles: I’d be shot if I didn’t mention this one, the series that literally killed dashingdon when the book 3 demo dropped!! Again, another author that cares a lot and does their best to do right by their fans. We’ve been given drip after drip of these amazing characters backstories, and I just cannot wait for more! It’s definitely very romance centered, but the overall plotlines are also very good, and I have to say that no matter who I romance, I just feel like the group as a whole is a family. And that’s wonderful.

Speaker: I really like the lore. I really like the lore. I can’t wait until we get more of the overall plotline. Mostly I want my Speaker to get in deep trouble so Seb, Li and Seer (best sister ever) go off and beat the shit out of whatever is causing it. This probably says something about me, but what can I say, I thrive on angst and inflicting near death injuries on my OCs. Sometimes I even kill them, although all of this is offtopic. Or is it? I guess we’ll find out, although I doubt we’ll actually be able to kill off Speaker. And yes, I am definitely playing the Seb & Li poly route. I love them both so much. 

Wilhelmina: I love vampires, ok? Ok? And this one is based off Dracula!! The OG!! And you can choose Drac’s gender!! Shit, sign me up forever!! Yeah, she might be literally killing my bff, torturing my fiancé and low key fucking with my mind, but vampires are hot!! Let me live! Or not. But yeah, this is a really well done retelling of the Dracula novel and I like how well it works as an IF. Did I mention I like vampires?? Especially when they get all monstery?? (This one has an MC with a set gender, as it’s based on an already existing literary figure. Mina can have a same sex relationship with dracula, if you make drac a female, or with Lucy, a female love interest.)

More Things in Heaven and Earth: Hi Nell!! First off, I gotta uncover a deep shame of mine. My family literally has a Shakespeare heirloom collection. As in, my greatgrandfather passed down through the family a collection of Shakespeare that was published in 1911. In ye olde englishe. I tried to read it when I was like 10 and was like what language is this?? What the fuck? What the fuck??? And ended up reading As You Like It, a bit of Romeo and Juliet, and a little of Hamlet. Didn’t touch the rest of it. I only got into the other stories through trashy ya reimaginings. That said, this retelling of Hamlet inspired me to go read the whole of the original and now I have a lot of fears for these characters that I’m so much more attached to, oh god I hope my Ophelia has a happy ending. I hope Hamlet himself has a happy ending. The dialogue is so well done, everyone is engaging, and yeah it made me finish an old af book when nothing else did. (This one also has an MC with a set gender, female, for the same reason. However, there are two gender variable love interests, so you can very much play a bi or gay Ophelia if you so choose.)

Guenevere: I love King Arthur. All the myths. I have so many books based on the King Arthur mythos, oh dear god. I love pretty much every version of it. All the movie and tv shows too! I just can’t get enough of those knights. I could go on for paragraphs about how courtly love worked and how all the different social castes were, but I’ll try not to. This series lets you customize Guen as a character to an amazing degree, considering that she’s also based on an actual literary figure like the other two I mentioned above. It really feels like she becomes your own character, and yet she still exists within this world very very well. I worry quite a bit that the author might have bit off more than they can chew with the current book they’re working on, what I’ve seen of it looks absolutely massive in scale. What is out so far is a wonderful read though, full of drama and laughter and lots of chances to make the story your own.

Bastard of Camelot: Yep! Another King Arthur series! Sue me! This one lets you set Mordred’s gender though, so it’s more inclusive in that way. It is very interesting to play as one of the “bad guys” of the King Arthur mythos. You can play them as straight up evil, as good, or you know, a bit of column a and a bit of column b. Or they can just be a rude little shit. It’s got dragons too! You get a dragon pet! Dragons are cool. It can be a bit tough to play sometimes, since a lot of people dislike Mordred quite a lot because of prejudices. Hopefully this will change a bit later in the series if you’ve been a fairly good person up to that point. Gotta say though, as a warning, that Mordred is a product of incest. It’s not glossed over, and it does cause a lot of problems for them in the story.

God of the Red Mountain: I just love that this inspired me to read more chinese mythology tbh. There is just so much here! And it’s just such a good read. I wish I was better at describing things. The MC being a spirit that you can define, the whole setting, most of the love interests also being spirits, the massive amount of history and culture and lore, how it all fits together. It is such a well done story. I really wish it got more attention than it does. I still miss Big Sister. I still can’t wait to find out more about the foxes, and how we can heal our MC.

The Nameless: Another one that lets you play as something otherworldly. I love the lore behind this one, and I love all of the cast I’ve met. I kind of like that our MC isn’t loved right off the bat, that we’ll have to win over all of our love interests and even the other npcs. I’m up for the challenge! Everything I’ve read on the tumblr for these characters just makes me love them all more tbh. I love how much they’ve written for all of them! Most of all though, I love Oisein. All the art of them is just *chef kiss* and their personality is magical.

A Mage Reborn: This is a really recent one but!! Wow, it’s really well done! That cliffhanger!! Oof!! Not many books literally start with killing your MC off! That takes guts! I told the author this already, but I love the way they formatted this, the way it starts with the end, so to speak, and then fills it all out. It just made everything feel so poignant, how MC is literally looking back at all these moments in time in the last minutes they have before they die. Shit. That’s powerful. And there’s gonna be more??? Can’t wait for that angst. Give me that drama. Of course I picked the one who had me killed, that’s just how I am!

These are all just the COG type games, there are a few twine games with graphics I’d throw on here, but the list is long enough as it is and they feel like they’re in a different category to me. Maybe it’s just me?

#if #if recs #rivi's recs #interactive fiction #there are more than these that i like too! #these are just the ones i feel the strongest about #and as i said these don't include the itchio twine ones #there are amazing ones there too but that feels like it should be a separate post? #i'd put links but i think it won't show up anywhere if i do #because tumblr is A Site #i can pass them on though if needed

[florbelles]

any unanswered fic writer asks send tweet

we are no longer on speaking terms. 🌝,😈 & 🧠 answered here, 🌙 & 🌈  answered here xx

what do you like most about your own writing?

— i’m generally very happy with my use of narrative voice, particularly in terms of stylistic choices and structure to create atmosphere or convey emotion. i probably consider the latter my strongest suit. it’s also my favorite aspect of the writing process, which is probably why i feel it’s effective :’’)

what embarrasses you most about your own writing?

— the lack of it :/

i jest. you know what’s embarrassing? my organization/lack thereof.  it’s near-impossible for me to piece anything together after the fact so if i don’t have it all in one place immediately then girl bye good luck finding it ( there are legitimately passages i have had to look up from wip posts or excerpt memes because it’s the only place i know, without doubt, i can find them ).

what is one wip you think you may never pick back up?

— none, actually. even if there are projects i know i’ll never continue in their original form — the vast majority of my uncompleted original/non-fandom work qualifies — in all probability i’ll butcher them for parts or otherwise repurpose them. ( i realize this is probably asking about in-progress published works specifically, but since i don’t currently have any of those live on main, that’s n/a ).

do you have any wips that you would never let see the light of day? if yes, what are they about?

— not specifically, no. i have plenty of content that i won’t ultimately use just because it doesn’t serve a justifiable narrative purpose, is experimental, is an outtake that i don’t want to publish because it was cut due to changes or incompatibility with another characterization/narrative choice i ended up making ( which i don’t want to muddle, at least at this stage, but i suppose the what-ifs could have a place on main down the line, so not even those are necessarily hard nevers ). alas, no super secret fic, though. 

what is your fave fic to receive comments/messages on?

— since i’m not on ao3 and don’t have multiple fics posted, my comments/messages are generally tags or comments on my posts here, and i love & appreciate absolutely all of them :’’)

do you write every day?

— i do, actually! i’m not counting what i write for workshops or uni, obviously, since those are on a deadline, but i can’t think of a day in recent memory i haven’t written something for my self-indulgent projects, even if that’s just a few disjointed lines out of context that will inevitably be buried in the depths of my notes app.

are you a planner, plantser, or pantser? is it consistent?

— the only thing is that’s wholly consistent is i absolutely Do Not Outline, i Will Not Do It. otherwise i don’t think i’ve ever gone into a project without essentially knowing exactly where i want things to end up. that doesn’t mean that isn’t subject to change, obviously, i like to leave myself plenty of flexibility to keep things fresh, but generally by the time i get around to actually writing out fic scenes i have a thorough knowledge of my arc as a whole ( i obviously know all the details of lyra’s canon intimately, for example, but i still don’t have an outline in terms of fic pacing/writing schedule/scene presentation order ).

current number of wips?

— one major longfic and 130+ prompts 💕

do you tell people in real life that you write fic?

— again, not specifically, no. fic makes up a relatively small percentage of what i write, especially in the context of what i have finished ( as you all know ); that’s actually one of the reasons why i have comparatively little completed, i already write on deadlines outside of a fandom sphere, so i’m not willing to put them on myself or make time commitments that could lead to burnout. generally when i discuss my writing projects it’s not in a fandom context. it’s not a secret, though.

what is one growth area you have for your writing?

— proofreading & editing. i absolutely do not proofread. never not going in raw, baby. i do make cuts, but only in the form of culling entire passages if i’m not completely happy with them or feel they’re unnecessary weight/are fucking with the impact & pacing ( which is a habit related to my lack of editing, i would rather just axe it completely or rewrite it entirely ). this is unfortunately true of academic & workshop submissions as well as fandom writing. i’ve gotten by with it all my life, but that doesn’t mean i should, or couldn’t greatly improve my work by putting in the effort.

do you read your own fic?

— yes. after the fact. which is why i will notice an entire phrase that was formatted incorrectly and appeared twice in a row a month after the original positing.

what is the hardest part of writing fic?

— writing it. ( no, really, it’s 99% just a matter of finding time & energy for me ).

do you do research for your fics? what’s the deepest dive you’ve done?

— i’ll do cursory research as the need arises, yeah. most of the deep diving i do is related to canon lore, however. ( i have listened to literal hours of far cry 5 dialogue. i have read fps scripts. i have purchased & studied promotional and companion material. i have given myself motion sickness seeking out notes & confirming geographical details. i have a problem. i never wanted this for myself. i never — )

choose three adjectives to complement your own writing.

— i’m not trying to be a twat but i assume this means compliment because it doesn’t make sense to me otherwise :)) uhhhh visceral, poetic, immersive

what is a headcanon you have about your own work?

— kate’s already heard this one but my pet headcanon that will never be canonically addressed is isbaela watching the nukes from her window with her third glass of morning white wine in her hand making a noise of disgust like “i’m sure this is somehow lyra’s fault” and lawrence is like “oh my god, bels give it up what the fuck is wrong with you” but then ten minutes later in hell he’s like “oh lol no shit?”

( i jest. mostly. )

in all seriousness i like to think that since their world is based in mythology & the supernatural that john & lyra are truly reunited in hell where she has taken her rightful place as one marked by god for damnation as lucifer was before her 

name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave)?

— i’m just going to recommend my “other fic” tag instead :’’)

if one of your fics was going to get you arrested, which one and why?

— she wrote in blood and we all know damn well why

do you spend more time reading fic, writing fic, or do you do both equally?

— writing it! i generally don’t seek fic out, i don’t need to because my mutuals are good enough to put premium content on my dash regularly

#honeysides #answered

[lawrising-a]

📝 i'm late to the party but one for nikki pls,,,,,,,,,

( @madetrouble )

. november 23 .

‘ do you wish to know a well kept secret only known by a hotel writing pad? why there's tiny clips of papers massacred around the room? the answer is simple ; it's the fact that i've been writing about my survival partner. whenever bright pink makes my vision swim and my fingers twitch with the urge to let it out. frustrations, bold opinions ... regrets. the reason there are holes in fragile papers is because my grip on the pen cannot loosen. i get too violent with my motions. jerky, overtly emotional. now i find myself rambling on the back of a magazine, hoping to calm my bundling nerves before i try this again. this is the last available thing to write on in my nighted hotel room ---- unless i resort to the skin of my arms, of course. it's too desperate, though the former troublemaker always tended to bring out a stranger in me. ’

‘ when i briefly brought up my woes to jael days prior, she recommended organizing my thoughts by using my hands. a silly thing that felt more like a jest than someone looking out for my strained connection ; though i resorted to it nonetheless. my brain scatters about, fleeting feelings disappearing the moment i try to take my pen to them. would this bode better if i pretended this was a letter to send her? logistically, that adds up better than the initial plan which was writing aimlessly. so i wish to try and adapt this new direction moving forward ... ’

‘ ... ’

‘ i never said i don't like you : are words that were once spoken to you, nikita, before. with a terseness to my tone, forever testy whenever i acknowledged your presence. and i did do mean it. that statement stands strongly today like our bodies do. unwavering despite everything thrown at us, even with the unending outside forces snipping our bond to loose ends. never have i disliked you. at least not in a way that i believe would be genuine distaste. sometimes you push all the right buttons to light something dangerous in me ; molding me into something i am not. you make me angry, spiteful, teeth aching for revenge. there was a time where i believed that was all your doing, actually. twisting my perception into wicked tainted nothings to fuel a point left unseen by our corpse filled audience ... never say i don't learn, however. it's come to my attention that i have always been that person. easy to rile up. eager to sniff out mistakes so i look holier in comparison. is it so wrong to need to be needed more than your peers? to be the better option, so you're the first choice? considering how our relationship's turned out, i'll take that as a yes. ’

‘ admitting things to your face is hard, you know? sharp dolled up eyes pierce right through me. you look me over with unkindness, like you're waiting for a shred of weakness to expose. you scare me, nikita. you'd hurt me if it meant your survival ; some of your words and choices have scarred me for life thunder makes me think of manny, of the rounds you put in his chest. i watched that. never took my eyes off him for a second unlike you and joey but what makes the shivers race down my spine is knowing there's some of me trapped in you. there's no comfort with knowing i would've done the same things you had. i wish there was, but looking at you is like looking in the funhouse mirrors. you're so easy to demonize. to write off as the worst parts of me. naively pretending that is all you are. it's why i think things so achingly tender that is only reserved for this, between me and something to write on. if you knew, you'd be a shark : eager to work more blood out of me when you see it pool around my limp body. i can't let that happen. ever. ’

‘ despite my ill toned words and critiques, i do want to say. to say nikita, i don't blame you. not for roi's death, not for colleen's, and not for safiya's. i don't harbor any blame even as you ripped the people who loved me away. sometimes i think i can. i think about manny and safiya especially, eager to use them against you once your hackles raise ... but it veils the tiredness within. there is no blame here. we've both done awful things to survive. what makes me hesitate with you is the fact none of the awful feelings have faded yet. there's been times where all i wanted to do was imprint upon you, nestle deep into your sturdy side ; slipping my hand around your neck and cupping you tenderly there. i held you like that before, remember? although the sting of our bond makes me think otherwise, as well as all the things we've snarled to each other in the past. is that kind of affection for people with tethers like us? i doubt it. but please know i wish differently ... and that, through it all, there is a part of me that respects you. admires your beauty and courage, naturally drawn to taking shelter in it at the worst of times. you're the flood and the lighthouse. god, i get so painfully poetic at times that never matter. ’

‘ space runs thin on this magazine, thus bringing the curtain to a close. there is so much more i tell you in my dreams. more words weighing my tongue down like iron. they all forever pale when worded so needlessly complex, perhaps even totally lost on you. which brings me to my dry words. no poetry weaves in-between these next lines. they must be heard and understood ---- no more implying things. ’

‘ i love care about you. you scare me with your strengths. inspire something crueler in me something that helped me survive and i think of you often. to be blunt, i think about if you're okay. wonder what manny saw in you. think what ifs that you'd probably feel weird about. do you think about everlock as much as me? will you accompany me to literal hell and back for lost, beloved souls? did you want me to back? ’

‘ yet, i think, the million dollar question is ... ’

‘ do you write about me too? ’

#» yellow tainted views ( answered. ) #madetrouble #v.03 ★ no one truly escapes the night #THANK YOU SM CAT #not me going feral on this and venting out all my feelings about matkita ... no way #not all of this is honest though. even when he tries there are still some things he locks away #even from himself #but ... he cares about her your honor #even if a hundred journal entries couldnt convey how strongly she makes him feel

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

My personal connection with Taylor’s discography, part eleven: Happiness

Basically this is just a series I’m doing where I write down my feelings on what each of the Taylor songs means to me personally on a line to line basis both for my own sake to have it somewhere and for anyone who wants to know anything further about me.

So with that in mind, let’s get started.

Happiness

So much like the majority of Evermore and Folklore, Happiness reminds me of my family and the trauma of losing them which I’m trying to move past. Particularly, Happiness is the connecting point of the progress I’ve made moving forth and the reality that there’s still a long way to go and wishing I was further along the recovery road.

 Honey, when I'm above the trees I see this for what it is

I feel like this lyric is pretty much what it’s like on ‘good’ days. Like when I have removed myself enough from the situation and pain, I can rationalise to myself that what happened to my family wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was just a bunch of well meaning people who made choices they thought were for the best but ultimately did more harm than good. I can also acknowledge that what happened was probably for the best and that while I’m in pain now, it probably would have been worse otherwise.

But now I'm right down in it, all the years I've given is just shit we're dividin' up

But most days aren’t ‘good’ days. Most days, it feels inescapable that I gave between 16 to 23 years to these people that were meant to love me unconditionally for my whole lifetime just for them to decide that what we had wasn’t worth sticking around for. Most days, I can’t move past the bitterness that I have knowing that I feel like I’ve wasted my life because genuinely lived my life as a mirrorball and gave my all to make these people happy and keep us together just for it all to fall apart anyway.

Showed you all of my hiding spots

I’ve always been an oversharer that kept her heart on her sleeve. I genuinely feel like I showed my family, and especially my immediate family, every version of myself. My highs, my lows, my strengths, my weaknesses, my likes and dislikes; I showed it all.

I was dancing when the music stopped

I’ve mentioned this a few times in this project, but despite the issues my family had, I really fucking believed we’d get out of this okay and that the others wanted to. And I wore rose coloured glasses as things were ending and people were showing their true colours because I wanted so badly to believe that it was just a bad fight and once things cooled down, everyone would pitch in to fix things. So when it finally hit that none of them truly wanted to fix things, I realised that the music had stopped years beforehand and I had just been living in my own fantasy world dancing to a beat that wasn’t there.

And in the disbelief, I can't face reinvention. I haven’t met the new me yet

I saw a post recently that said this line is pretty much Right Where You Left Me condensed into one lyric and genuinely I have not seen anything more correct in years. Like I am still sitting here nearly six years after this started and nearly four years since I finally accepted it (god realising it’s been that long hit me like a fucking truck, not gonna lie) wondering who the fuck am I meant to be now? Like even without feeling like I devoted my life/existence for these people, who are you meant to be if not a reflection of the people who raised you and were meant to love you unconditionally?

There'll be happiness after you

I know I will get my balance back one day and be happy. There’s a lot of practical steps that need to happen first, but I know I’ll get there. And even though I wish it was with my family, I’ve accepted that it won’t be and it can’t be dependent on them or else I’m going to end up like my mother and never happy.

But there was happiness because of you

As much as I still cuss out my family, particularly my father, I grew up as a daddy’s girl and family orientated person and not all of that was negative. Though I can’t currently look back at them without crying, I have photos of birthdays, concerts, events, holidays and even just random day to day life at home that brought me so much joy. Likewise, though not directly involved, I would not have had one of the best experiences in my life of going to Japan with my school had my parents not cared enough to work their ass off for it. And though it’s hard to remember at times, especially on bad days, that is just as important to remember as the fact I’m going to be happy one day if I truly want to heal.

Both of these things can be true

Like I said, both past and future happiness is important and doesn’t negate each other. I can accept that someone from my past that made me happy isn’t going to be the one that does it in my future without either being more or lesser than the other.

There is happiness past the blood and bruise, past the curses and cries. Beyond the terror in the nightfall

Growing up in a mentally, emotionally and at times physically abusively household has left me with a lot of scars and while there’s no way to ‘prove’ it, I genuinely believe was the start of my then undiagnosed PTSD as opposed to the events of 2011. While ‘terror in the nightfall’ can directly be linked with the PTSD symptom of having chronic nightmares, I also link it just as strongly with general self doubting thoughts. Like I am very much still in a place where despite wanting to, I constantly question whether I should get married and have children or even just make new friends because I don’t feel worthy of it. All it would do is fuck over these other people. Because like end of the day, if the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally for my whole life didn’t, why the hell would anyone else?

Haunted by the look in my eyes that would've loved you for a lifetime

I will love my family forever. And genuinely, if they hadn’t of left, I would have done anything to make them happy for the rest of my life. And the fact that I do not get the chance to do that haunts me, and while I can never know for sure, I genuinely think it haunts them too.

Leave it all behind and there is happiness

Though it’s been hard, I’ve reached a point where I recognise that if I want to be happy, I need to leave behind the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what’s “meant” to be’ and focus on what is and the people who want to be in my life.

Tell me, when did your winning smile begin to look like a smirk?

Like I mentioned, I grew up as a daddy’s girl. Growing up, he was always the ‘fun’ parent. The one who was smiling and laughing all the time. The one who propped me up when I felt down. The one I really thought believed in me. But somewhere along the lines, he took offence to me wanting him to step up and face his choices so that we could fix our family. And as a result, he took joy in, in his own words, turning my sister against my mother and I and pushing me to still see him in order for mum to get spousal payments before the legal settlement out of spite. So I spent years begging him to be different, really thinking it was just a moment of hurt just for him to take pleasure in it.

When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt?

I’ve hinted at the fact that my mother is still less willing to recover and move past what happened with my family. Consequently, she’s spent the last 5 ½ years being like a bull seeing red at all times. And though I’ve tried everything I could to help her (literal hundreds of letters to politicians and other related parties to step in, reaching out to family, constant meetings with lawyers etc), even going as far as to go to law school hoping to find a solution there. But none of it panned out like we hoped. And because richer people with better connections, more money and “smaller” issues that are unrelated to ours won their cases in court and because I’m fighting for future laws to prevent this happening again rather than the unwinnable battle with my now fully adult and moved on family, suddenly it’s my fault things turned out like they did. She genuinely believes I did not try hard enough and did not care enough about my family, and particularly my sister, when in reality, losing her was, is, and always will be the biggest heartbreak of my life.

I hope she'll be your beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you

I’ve mentioned in a few other posts that both of my parents have, in their own way, raised my sister and I to be rivals rather than sisters. And so when my father chose to not reunite our family, it felt like he was picking her over me. And in my bitterness, I spent a long time making comments about how she was either just as bad as he is and using him financially or she was an idiot who couldn’t see through his bullshit and was fine being nothing more than a trophy so long as she was his favourite.

No, I didn't mean that. Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury

With time and distance away from my father and the refusal to constantly lend myself to my mother’s negativity however, I realised that I really had been aiming my anger at the wrong person. My sister was 16 when she left. A literal child. Each and every adult in my family, my then 20 year old self included, owed her more than what happened. Even if she was a “problem child” who physically and verbally lashed out, we owed her more and we failed her. That’s the part about all this that will haunt me forever. It’s not what happened to me. It’s what happened to her and the ways I let my anger and my parents cloud my vision to the point I know in my heart that things would have been different and I could have done more to save this family had I not. And I know that that anger probably traumatised and provoked a lot of my sister’s actions too. And in all honesty? The anger probably came from a place of projection too because in realising my father would rather stick with his lies than his family, I had to accept that I had been the fool that spent years soaking up praise about my achievements just to find out that’s as far as his ‘favouritism’ of me went.

You haven't met the new me yet

I somewhat joke about it, but I genuinely feel like I became a new person in 2019. Though I’m obviously not like magically healed from the trauma or anything, and while I don’t ever see a way I can have these people in my life again, on the most part I have a new outlook on everything. On top of no longer blaming my sister, I’ve been putting the focus back on myself both in terms of things I could have done differently but also doing my best to not see my family’s decision to lie and take the easy way out as being a reflection on me. Because ultimately, it’s not about me; and it took me a long time to realise that. And there’s a sense of peace in that which is the first of many parts that they won’t know about me. And in many ways, that feels like the first step to rebuilding myself.

There'll be happiness after me

Much like how my life has kept going, so has theirs. My now nearly 22 year old sister has a son who’s about to be a toddler. She has friends I’ve probably never met. My other family members probably have just as fulfilling relationships and memories that I’m not part of. It’s sad, but that’s how life goes.

But there was happiness because of me

Again, just like how my anger doesn’t negate the positive memories I’ve had with these people, realistically it’s doubtful that every second of the 16 – 23 years they knew me was neutral at best for them.

Both of these things, I believe

Logically you cannot have one of the above and not the other. Like despite what my mother thinks, you do not just stop being happy one day just because someone, or in this case many people, left. But that new happiness you have doesn’t make the old happiness any less honest. Also just in general In still in a place where like I really have to believe that my family loved and were happy with me but also happy now or else I’ll have a mental breakdown. So yeah…

There is happiness in our history, across our great divide there is a glorious sunrise, dappled with the flickers of light from the dress I wore at midnight

Like I’ve said, I have had a lot of good memories with my family, and with them being night owls and our Christmas day events at my uncle’s tending to run for 10 – 12 hours, the use of the time of midnight feels all the more personal to me. And while like I said, these fond memories aren’t enough to go back to that environment, they’re enough to be a light in the dark that reminds me that I’ve been happy before and illuminate the way across the divide to be happy again.

I can't make it go away by making you a villain

Listen, I will probably blame my father and other family members for the rest of my days over what happened. But with the new me that came in 2019, I’ve also accepted that focusing on that both internally and feeling the need to demonise them to everyone by acting like they were the only ones to make bad calls and that some of those calls didn’t come from a well-intentioned but misinformed place doesn’t make any of the pain go away. Even if they were the devil personified, I cannot change what happened. All I can focus on is myself and my future. And that’s the only way I’m going to heal and find peace.

I guess it's the price I paid for seven years in Heaven

Despite everything that happened in my childhood before the split, I am someone who got through it still loving my family and not feeling traumatised by them (or at least not processing it as such) until my adulthood. And while that may seem very bare minimum for a lot of people, it’s also a lot better than a lot of people had it.

And I pulled your body into mine every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties

I know a lot of people see this as a sexual line, but I gotta be real, from the first listen, I pictured the moments where I held/hugged my sister through anxiety attacks and lash outs and my father did the same for me. And again, despite that intimacy, we’re now in a place where we’re only polite in public (not that I’ve seen them out but if I did) in order to not cause a scene/get chucked out of wherever we were. Also, I can see this being how my father viewed all the awkward silences (which I spoke about in my It’s Time To Go post) and whatever when I did go to see him after my parents separation, because again, it did feel more like obligation than actually wanting to be there and while I know he somewhat caused that by deliberately keeping the family apart, I still feel bad over it.

No one teaches you what to do when a good man hurts you and you know you hurt him, too

Even the worst of families never expect things to blow up in the way my family’s relationships did. There isn’t and probably never will be a manual on that shit. And there’s an inherit loneliness about that because while your other loved ones can stand by your side, ultimately you gotta go through that shit alone because no one really knows what to say. So all the guilt, anger, depression and whatever else you’re feeling is exactly that: yours and yours alone. And that makes it all the rougher.

But now my eyes leak acid rain on the pillow where you used to lay your head

After my sister and father left, my mother couldn’t bare to sleep in her and my father’s old room nor my sister and my old room; instead opting to sleep in the lounge room. As a result, I moved into my parents’ old room. Though I have all new furniture, it’s set up in much the same way my parents had it and so it’s hard to not think about how my father slept in the same place I am now for 20 years of my life and the same can be said about my sister being in our childhood room for 16 years of her life. And while I’m somebody who has blocked out the ability to cry over most emotions, I’m still someone who cries very easily when I’m frustrated which as much as I wish I wasn’t, I still am frustrated and have cried more tears than I’d like to admit over how easy it should have been to keep our family together and how they just didn’t want to. And because there is that bitterness with the frustration, it does feel far more toxic than regular tears.

After giving you the best I had, tell me what to give after that

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve blamed myself a lot for decisions I should have made differently in this process, so I see this more as a line to remind myself that I did all I could. Like I took the ‘nice’ route with the adults in my family only to be rejected, I tried the assertive route and was only met with being cut off, and even if I took the ‘nice’ route with my sister, there is no reconnecting people who do not want to be. They all made their choices and could have come back at any time to hear our side even if they didn’t want to at the beginning, but again, taking the easy route was more important to them than taking the right one and no amount of me giving them what they wanted was going to change that.

All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness... and I think she'll give you that

This is another fantasy moment for me. Like I really hope that one day I can forgive my family. Not to be in their life or anything, that ship has sailed. But just for my own peace of mind. I feel like I’m almost there with my sister, but honestly? It feels like I’m never going to get there with the rest of them. Alternatively, I see this line as again, being about forgiving myself for the bad calls I made, and while I’m not quite there either, I definitely think I will get there someday.

#about me #happiness #taylor swift #evermore album #ngl kinda hate this because it took so long to do but i also feel like i somehow didn't get it all out despite it being far too long #also this process has shown me that happiness is by far taylor's most devastating song for me personally

[mirkwoodshewolf]

True Penguin love; Brian May x reader *bonus chap. for SMTM*

*Author’s note*

Hey guys well you thought I would forget the second bonus chapter that I had on my masterlist for my Soulmates through music series, well you thought wrong. After finally getting the chance to sit down, I finally got an idea of what I wanted to do for the final chapter I had in mind and so this idea was born.

Now be warned it takes place during the “I’m going slightly mad” music video so 1991 is the timeline for this fic. And I hope that I don’t cause any heartbreak with the angst I have for this chap (I think you can take a guess of what I’m referring to). But there is fluff in the fic so at least I hope that fills up your hearts with flutters :)

Taglist:

@psychosupernatural​

@plethora-of-things​

@ixchel-9275​

@waddles03​

@geek-and-proud​

@queendeakyy​

@mexifangorl​

@precioustyler​

_______________________________________________________

I don’t know what that guitarist has in mind but he said that it was urgent that I come to Montreux as soon as I could. And since my first three kids were practically grown up, they could watch over my last baby Em while I went to see their father.  So I packed up about a week’s worth of clothes and bought my plane ticket to Montreux, Switzerland.

Within almost 2 hours I landed in the beautiful, tranquil home of Montreux.  God no wonder why Fred chose to record the rest of Innuendo here, it’s so quiet, peaceful and you don’t have the annoyance of the press hounding you through your window, especially in Fred’s case.

Yes, unfortunately I know the terrible disease that Freddie is going through.  Tim and I just recently lost a cousin just last summer to the disease. I had grown up with Caleb and we were practically best friends in diapers even being born 6 weeks apart, so it was hard seeing him go through it.

And at the familiar spots that I could see growing on Fred and the sudden weight lost and fatigue in his face, I knew just what was wrong with him.  But of course even though I’m no longer apart of Queen, I never once spoke of Freddie’s illness to anyone.  Not mum, Tim, the kids, and especially not to the press even when they hound me about any comments regarding to Freddie’s health.

Anyways back to now.  I walked up to the first payphone and I called the studio I knew where the boys would be filming at.  I heard it ring a couple of times before I heard a voice say.

‘Hello?’

“Hey Phoebe.”

‘(Y/n), well it’s good to hear your voice again. Are you in Montreux yet?’

“Yeah I just landed actually. Shall I ring a cab and meet you at the studio?”

‘No need, your husband already paid one. You walk further out of the airport and you should see a driver with your name written on a sign with the Queen logo.’

“Okay well, I guess I’ll see you soon. And Pheebs, can you please tell me just what Brian has in mind?”

‘Ah-ah-ah I’m sworn to secrecy by Brian himself to not reveal to you what he has planned.’

“Wo, after all we’ve been through. I even bought your wife that new tea kettle after your last one broke.”

‘And she appreciates it.’

“At least tell me it’s not something bad or illegal.”

‘No, no. All I can tell you is that you’ll love it. See you when you get here love, cheers.’ And with that the line went dead.  I looked down at the phone and muttered.

“Secretive bastard.” I hung up the phone and picked up my carryon and headed to baggage claim.  Once my suitcase came in, I rolled it behind me and walked towards the exit where I saw a man dressed in a suit with a chauffeur’s hat on.  

And just as Peter said, he held a sign with the famed Queen logo Freddie himself designed and it had my name in beautiful cursive writing (probably Fred’s handwriting). He turned towards me and said.

“Are you (Y/n) May?”

“Yes I am. Pleasure to meet you uhh—”

“Ohh Ralph. My name is Ralph Mrs. May.”

“Pleasure to meet you Ralph. And please call me (y/n). Mrs. May makes me sound ancient.”

“Shall I take your bags for you?”

“Oh you don’t have to I can manage, but thank you for the offer.” He guided me outside where I saw a black limo parked outside.  He opened the trunk and I put my bags inside.  He then opened up the backseat door and I got inside and he closed the door behind me.  He got into the driver seat and he took off out of the airport.

The drive was pretty tranquil but not in the awkward kind of way.  There was some small talk between the two of us on our way to the studio where the guys were filming their next music video “I’m going slightly mad”.  Finally after about a half hour drive, I finally arrived at the studio.

“Here we are Mrs. May, Limehouse studios. Now I have been told in advance to take your things to the villa where your husband and the rest of the band are staying at.”

“Okay, thank you for the lift Ralph.” I thanked him. I grabbed my purse and swung it over my shoulder and exited the limo.  I closed the door and he waved goodbye to me and I waved back before he drove off and left me there before the grand studio.

I walked inside and showed my ID tag and when security began to recognize my face from when I was once a part of Queen, they humbly allowed me in without any ifs, ands or buts about it.  

I thanked them and walked along till I came to a grand stage with a couch on it.  Sitting on the arm rest was none other than grey-haired silver fox Deacy messing with a yoyo.

“And here I thought I’d get a more welcome approach from my boys.” He turned towards me and smiled.

“(Y/n).” I smiled and walked up onto the stage and hugged Deacy as tight as I could before kissing his cheek. “How was your flight?”

“Uneventful. And of course no one made a big deal about who I was, maybe I could convince Bri to move us here should he ever think about retirement.”

“That unfortunately won’t be for a while my darling queen.” We both turned and there all dolled up in a crazy wig and tux with white gloves and madded eyeshadow to give him that crazed look was none other than the legend himself.

“Freddie.” I praised. We walked up to each other and kissed each other on both cheeks and he said.

“Oh darling you are looking more radiant every time I see you.”

“Even with four kids later?”

“Especially with four kids later. Never doubt yourself my darling. You have an eternal beauty through and through.”

“Okay so I was told of Brian’s big surprise so where the hell is he?”

“He’s just around that way shooting his bit. However darling he’s asked you to wear this.” It was then Freddie held out a black sash to use as a blindfold.

“Goddamn that man with his secretive nature.”

“C’mon darling you know he means well. He doesn’t want you to be spoiled of the surprise.” I looked up at Fred and I said.

“Can’t I just at least be told what I’m about to see?”

“That’s a big no can do love.” The familiar soft voice soon spoke up.  Soon enough I saw Roger coming towards me wearing a full black tux as well as his shades.

“Rog.”

“Mrs. May.” He said coyly back at me before the two of us immediately hugged each other.

“Let me guess, Bri wants you to take me to him.”

“Exactly. Now go on put the blindfold on and let’s get going before they’re done filming.” I took the sash from Freddie and put it over my eyes and someone tied the two ends together.

“I swear to god though Roger, if you make me run into something or have me trip over a chord or something, I’ll kick your arse.”

“I don’t doubt that love. After what you did to Foster’s window all those years ago, I wouldn’t dream of crossing you.” I felt him take my hand and soon I was literally being led blindly across the studio.

With my eyes now blocked, my sense of hearing was heightened.  I could hear someone saying my husband’s name repeatedly, the sound of people talking over one another, and camera clicks.  It was then I felt myself stop and Roger came over behind me and he whispered.

“You ready love?”

“I’ve been dying for three days now. Show me.”

“Okay, but you gotta promise you won’t shriek or squeal.” He said as I felt him loosening the knot.

“I’ll try. But I don’t know if I can keep the promise.” Finally Roger removed the blindfold and I was taken by surprise but awe at what I saw.

Brian was in a full baggy black tuxedo suit with white gloves on, but what caught my attention was that he wore a very large penguin beak mask over his face and surrounding him were three penguins that looked up at Brian like he was actually one of them.  

Two of them were Humboldt penguins while the third and slightly more bigger one was an African penguin.

I held my hands over my mouth trying not to let out the biggest squeal of just how adorable my husband of 15yrs was right now. The beak actually moved up and down like he was actually ‘talking penguin’ to them.

“Oh my god!” I softly squealed.

“I’ll take my leave now before I end up getting sick from the upcoming lovey-dovey you both are about to do.” I playfully elbowed Roger in the chest to which he groaned and continued, “Bloody hell woman!”

“Just because I’m getting older doesn’t mean my punches are now weaker.” He playfully glared at me before walking away from me. I turned back towards Brian to see him still trying to interact with the penguins at their level.  God I think he’s officially taken our penguin nicknames to a whole other level.  When the director called cut, as he began stroking one of the penguins, that’s when he finally saw me.

He lowered the beak down over his chin so that I could see that dazzling smile of his.  I walked up towards him and I hopped myself to sit on the stage.  He came down and knelt in front of me and I said.

“So this is what you’ve been hiding from me?”

“What do you think?” he asked.

“I’d say you’ve taken your title of emperor penguin to a whole new level.”

“But don’t you think I’m adorable?” he asked immediately going into the puppy dog eyes.  I giggled and said as I placed my hand under the beak.

“Of course you are. The cutest penguin in the room.” He smiled and playfully turned his head so that the beak got right up in my face and he made it open up just a bit.  I squealed and ducked away from the beak before scooting closer to Brian and kissed his temple. “So how is it working with our children?” I gestured towards the penguins who were now being handled by their animal trainer.

“They’re a handful much like our real ones were. But they’re still adorable. Although something was missing from our little nest.”

“And just what pray tell is that?”

“Their mum. So I talked with the director and the lads and we’ve all come to an agreement that there should be a surprise cameo in the film.” Oh Bri you cheeky thing.

“Hold it I know where you’re going with this and the answer is no. As cute as it maybe I don’t feel like I should be a part of this.”

“C’mon love. It’ll be just like the old times.”

“No, no, no I haven’t been in a Queen music video in years. What if the fans don’t like me suddenly popping back up?”

“Then they’d have to be mad to not accept you. Freddie already loved the idea, plus he thinks mated penguins should stay together. Please love, I need my empress penguin with me.” He leaned his head sideways against my shoulder trying to be all cute with me.  I couldn’t help myself but lace my head on top of those now long bushy curls that he had been growing out lately and I said to him.

“Why must you be so cute?”

“Because I know you love it.”

“You know one of these days your cuteness isn’t gonna suck me into one of your evil schemes.”

“Fortunately that won’t be today, right?”

“Right.” I groaned out.  He smiled and took off the beak so that he could kiss me properly. He cupped both sides of my face as he deepened the kiss before finally separating from me.

“I’m glad you’re doing this my love.”

“I just hope Rog doesn’t blackmail us for this.”

“Sorry love already got it.” Roger’s voice soon cried out from afar.  I glared towards him and cried back to him.

“You do that and you die Taylor!” Brian chuckled and hugged me close.

“C’mon my love. Let’s get you fitted into your costume.” He then took me over to wardrobe where I was given a similar costume that Brian was wearing but slightly slimmer but still a bit baggy.  I was given the same beak to wear over my face and I said through it.

“I still can’t believe you’re making me do this.”

“Oh come on love you look adorable. If we were real penguins I’d definitely fight for you.”

“Thankfully you already have me.”

“That I do.” He took my left hand and stroked the back of it with his thumb as the two of us stared at each other with warm, loving eyes.

And so it was I did end up having a cameo in the music video.  Brian and I did our little penguin bit together and the three real ones acted as our children.  They were so taken by us that they actually believed us to be one of them.

One of them even came up and actually wrapped itself around my arm in a penguin snuggle.  I couldn’t help myself but stroke it’s feathers which actually felt quite smooth to go through even with the gloves on.  

After filming our bit the crew decided that some photos needed to be taken.

So all four of my boys got on the couch and the photographer got the pictures he needed with one of the penguins down along the stage.

“(Y/n) come up here be with us.” Brian said to me.

“No, no Bri I’m just a cameo I’m not the important people in this video.”

“Oh darling I swear you’re just as modest as that husband of yours. Get your fat bottomed girl ass up here!” Freddie proclaimed.

I playfully gave him my mum face to tell him to never say that again before giving into his demand and Bri immediately had me sit between him and Deacy.

“Can he—can he come up here with us?” Freddie asked gesturing to the penguin down on the stage in front of us.

“Yeah we can put him up on the stage.” Said the director as the trainer came up and set the penguin down between him and Roger.

“And just to—just to even it out could we have the other one over there?” Soon the other penguin came up to Brian and he began to stroke her back before placing her between us.  I smiled and stroked her neck and even gave her a little scratch which she seemed to enjoy.

Deacy reached over my lap so that he could stroke the female penguin when I heard something going on the other side of the couch.

“Ohh! What’s he doing?” I heard Freddie exclaim. Next thing I know, everyone’s exclaiming as Freddie and Roger quickly stand up.  I look over and saw that the male penguin had taken a shit on the couch. “That’s—that’s quite a shit number right there.” To which we all laughed. “Roger what did you do?”

I shook my head playfully and said.

“Nice going Rog!” I teased.

“It’s not my fault!” So Rog and Freddie ended up standing behind the couch over Bri and Deacy and we just had the well behaved female penguin between us.  But bless the little thing at one point she thought she could fly, or thought she was heading for water as she now crawled over Brian’s lap and went over to the edge of the couch and jumped right off of it.

Brian quickly brought her back and stroked her back and I reached over and stroked under her neck cooing at her.

“Aww baby girl, there wasn’t any water there. No need to hurt yourself, no, no, no.”

“She’ll be okay. I think she knows now to not jump off this couch again, isn’t that right sweetheart? Yeah?” Brian said as he kept stroking her back soothingly.

As the day went on, I got to watch in awe of Freddie’s strength as they had to do a multiple take shot of him crawling along the floor and interacting with the three other guys who were all on the couch.

Even though he was suffering very hard at this point and would have a lay down when things became too hard for him, he didn’t once complain about ‘god I can’t do this anymore. Let’s call it quits for today. I’m too tired for this shit.’ He was—the most incredibly strong person I’ve ever seen and had the honor of meeting.

“(Y/n) what do you think Brian should do with his fingers?” Freddie soon called out to me.  I walked up onto the stage and stood beside him and the director and asked him.

“Why ask me specifically?”

“Because he’s your husband and I’d hate for you to hound me for not making him look good.” I playfully shoved Fred on the shoulder and said.

“So what are you thinking?”

“Well I really want him to play around with his fingers but I don’t know in which way he should do it.” I hummed and held Brian’s hand in mine which now held the long extended golden claw-like fingers. “Bri, do you think you could do something like this?” I held out my free hand and slowly fanned it up starting from my index finger to my pinkie.  He followed behind me with his free hand and I said to him, “Now close them the opposite way.”

He slowly closed them from his pinkie back to his index finger but I told him.

“But immediately as soon as your left hand closes, do the same thing with your right.” And just as I told him, it looked so elegant, almost seductive like.

“Ohh that’s nice, and yes just look to each hand as you open it up. Oh yes Brian that’s nice. (Y/n) you’re a genius as always.”

“What would you guys do without me?”

“We’d be 4 lost, stubborn-headed testosterone aging queens.” Brian answered.

“Okay guys, let’s run full play back.” The director said as Freddie went back into position on the floor.  Just as I was about to get out of the shot, Brian suddenly jerked me back and trapped me in his arms as I sat on his lap.

“Do you like these?” he wriggled his fingers emphasizing the claws.

“They definitely make your already long fingers longer. Think you can swipe them for the night?” I asked.

“You got something in mind?” he whispered.

“Maybe.” I whispered coyly at him.

“Ugh! I swear you two are as bad as this guy with his wife!” Roger pointed to Deacy.

“Not nearly as bad as you and Dominque.” Deacy sassed back.

“Mrs. May we need you out of the shot please.” I turned to Brian and hissed softly.

“Don’t make me get you into trouble.”

“I’m afraid you already do that love. And you must pay the price before I can let you go.” I quickly pecked his lips and he released me and I quickly got off the stage and stood behind the camera and watched them film the sequence.

It was a long, grueling day but Freddie was happy with the end result and with that the guys and I were allowed to go back to the villa.  As it grew darker, the guys were pretty much asleep except for Brian and I.  We were cuddled up on the king sized bed and he once again had on the golden claws that he managed to swipe from set.

“It seems like we’ve returned back to square one.” He said.

“What do you mean?”

“Working on an album in a tranquil place, no one to harass us while we work, the two of us in a room together again. Just like the summer of 1975.” I smiled and leaned my head against his chest which was exposed from the night shirt he was wearing (thank god he still leaves his shirts unbuttoned).

“Yeah. I—kinda wish we could go back to that time. When life was simple, we were young and Queen was just the five of us.”

“So you do miss performing with us?”

“From time to time yeah. But after this,” I said holding up my arm to show my braces that I wear every night for my CTS.  “But I knew I couldn’t drag you guys down nor let you be worried about me. Besides I’d say you four did great on your own without me at the start of the 80’s. I mean you all were rewarded for best band of the entire 1980’s.”

“Yeah. But we still would’ve gotten the award if you were still in the band.” He said as he stroked my back with those claws of his which sent tingles all over me.  I moaned softly and that’s when Brian hovered over me and he continued, “You like that?”

“God Bri how do you still affect me like a horny teenager?”

“Guess I just have that effect on you my love.” He leaned down and pressed his lips against mine.  I buried my hands into his massive mane of curls while I felt his hand go underneath my shirt and those claws gently grazed across my stomach which made it tickle.

“Bri don’t tease.” He chuckled and said.

“Sorry love I can’t help it. I just love that giggle of yours.” He then began kissing down my neck.

But as much as I wanted to be pleasured, my head just wasn’t in the right mindset, because it finally hit me of just how bad Fred had gotten since I last saw him.  I tried to hold in my tears but I could feel them starting to form.

“(Y/n)? Love what’s wrong?” he hovered back over me and cupped the side of my face.  I sniffled and muttered.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no, no. It’s alright. What’s wrong my love, what brought this on, hmm?”

“It’s—I….” I sighed heavily and shook my head.

“C’mon love just tell me. I won’t get mad, you know that. We promised no more secrets with each other.”

“I—I know I promised I wouldn’t get all teary eyed or make a fuss about it but—we’re gonna lose him, aren’t we?” at that question he didn’t need a clarification on what I meant. “It’s just—every time I look at him I think back to Caleb. It’s only been four months since he died and it still hurts I—I can’t bear to lose Freddie too.” I wept.

Brian sat down beside me and brought me close to him and allowed me to cry into his shoulder.  His hand rubbed my back while his other one stroked through my hair.

“I—I’m sorry Bri—you don’t de-deserve this r-right now…..”

“Shhh. Shhh. Think nothing of it. I know exactly what you’re going through. I—I don’t even want to think it but…..I feel that he may not have much more time. Plus with my dad feeling sick now I—I can’t bear to lose the two people I love most dearly.” He kissed the side of my head before hugging me tighter and closer to him.

“He helped us become a couple. I—I would never have gotten the courage to tell you how I really felt about you without him making that penguin metaphor.” I choked out.

“He always loved playing matchmaker. But I guess he also knew that we were meant for each other.” He leaned his head against mine as he pulled me even closer to him.  “But he’s still so strong. He won’t stop working until he just can’t do it anymore. And—it would mean a lot if you stayed her a bit longer, I know Fred said that he’s wanted you to be involved with this album.”

“But I only packed clothes for a week.”

“You can share some of mine, you know I have no problem with you wearing my stuff.”

“You just want to see me drown in your things.” He chuckled and admitted.

“That’s one way of looking at it. But—please say you’ll stay and help us finish this last Queen album with Fred. I know it would mean a lot to have the true queen of Queen back.” I sniffled and wiped away my tears and choked out.

“I’ll call Louisa in the morning and see if she can take Emily an extra couple of weeks.” He nodded and kissed the top of my forehead.

“Feeling better?”

“A little. I just—I couldn’t help but think of the promise I made Freddie about not making a big do about all this, but I guess I broke that promise.”

“Well not quite. You’re with me, Fred’s not in front of you. And you’ve been so strong ever since you found out around the same time the rest of the guys and I did. Losing your cousin was traumatic enough for you, and now seeing another close friend, a dear friend going through the same terrible disease he went through, (y/n) my love you are incredibly strong. But even you must take time for yourself, and cry. And I’m always here to cry with you.” He said as he wiped the tears away.

I took notice of his tearstains and wiped them away and I asked him.

“So we’re crying partners now?”

“If that’s what you want to call it, then yes. We’re crying partners.” He brushed my hair out of my face and kissed my nose. “Why don’t we just have a cuddle for the night? I think we both need it.” I nodded. I helped him take off the claw fingers and he set them on the nightstand before wrapping his arms around me.

I pulled the covers up over us and Brian got us snug as two lovebugs in a rug.  He kissed the top of my head and leaned his head against mine while I buried my face into his chest and listened to his strong, comforting heartbeat.

The two of us drawing strength from each other to get through the next few weeks through this terrible event at seeing a dear friend who helped us get together, get married and end up having our four kids together go through such pain, but still having the raw strength to push on and continue to be what he was born to be.

#bohemian rhapsody #bohemian rhapsody imagines #bohemian rhapsody movie #bohemian rhapsody imagine #bohemian rhapsody x reader #brian may #brian may x reader #gwilym lee!brian may x reader #gwilym lee!brian may #john deacon #roger taylor #freddie mercury #queen #queen imagine #queen imagines #queen fanfic #queen fanfiction #brian may imagine #brian may imagines #queen band #queen fandom #queen x reader #roger taylor x reader #john deacon x reader #freddie mercury x reader #i'm going slightly mad

[sireneia]

@knightlydumbass​ sent:   🎰I THINK I HAVE BARELY ENOUGH MUSES FOR THIS...     //  rng ships / interactions. honestly i don’t know why i pretend like i haven’t been writing all these as platonic first 

for complete transparency, for this one i rigged them on ur part just to showcase all your muses but i still randomized mine akhskhgr i also randomized mine after i wrote your muses’ names down so as to avoid just picking pairs i’d like to talk about

1. Reyson & Rowan

You know, the nice thing about Rowan is while I theoretically can put him in Heroes verse to interact with anyone, I can also just as easily literally throw him into any FE world without much of any explanation either or vice versa LMAO so I could have Rowan visit Tellius or maybe Reyson can chill in the unfortunate rubble that is Aytolis

Rowan, though he now has an interest in other realms, has little to no idea about what Tellius is and so would be surprised to know of a world where there’s all these shapeshifting animals! While Rowan has issues with people who are royalty but can’t fight due to his own issues with his father, I think he’d easily be able to look past it with Reyson considering how much Reyson himself wishes he could participate and fight. Rowan could see that anger! That determination! That’s what matters more to Rowan than actual physical capability -- the drive to fight, and while maybe Reyson might not be too fond of Rowan, Rowan could easily be swayed into vibing well with him.

The power of the herons’ singing and their ability to purify the soul would be of particular interest to him though. It might actually get Rowan to dial himself down since it’d probably make him wonder if Reyson had been there with him during his own adventure, if Reyson could’ve potentially saved Rowan’s own friend from possession. He wouldn’t ask to turn back time or anything, but I think Reyson might be one of the only characters in FE with the potential to make Rowan more contemplative and even mournful to an extent.

2. Sara & Raigh

hahaha so. Raigh canonically is strangely okay with girls with long purplish-silver hair that happen to Know Everything About You so he’d probably be alright with Sara, though he might struggle with the idea of seeing himself as an equal to her with the fact she can read as childish at times with how she works to her own whims as opposed to others. That could lead to him being exasperated but he still wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone either.

If he sees her as overly childish, then that opens up him to be even more willing to be kind on her considering how he can’t bring himself to be anything but kind to those he sees as troubled children. Beyond that though, I think Raigh would be interested in her bloodline which could get to a no-go territory, but still! She may be a healer, but she’s associated with the darkness! It’s notable darkness even! Raigh at his heart is also a researcher and would love to know more about any darkness he can. He has a reason to be interested in spending time with her from the get-go as a result.

3. Eldigan & Febail

Hm, this becomes an interesting question of how much does Eldigan know first and foremost. Edain is childhood friends with Sigurd, so would Eldigan know her well by extension and thus maybe know of Brigid even if not her present self? Would Eldigan recognize Yewfelle ( i don’t like assuming everyone knows what the holy weapons look like in-game considering how clueless patty and febail seemed at balmung and yewfelle but i think it’s probably reasonable to assume a majorblood would know akhshgr ) and not even need to know Brigid at all to understand what Febail is? Or would Febail just seem like another companion of Ares that Eldigan would be meeting in Askr?

If they meet with no information at all, I think Febail would more than anything read to Eldigan as a really bad example of the common people getting screwed over by those that rule over them; here’s someone who had to resort to a job he probably shouldn’t have had to because there was basically no way to financially support a bunch of the future generation of Jugdral suddenly with the Empire’s executions. It’s not the kind of Jugdral Eldigan would’ve wanted, and I don’t know if his ideal heart would like to hear Febail’s story consequently.

If Eldigan has an idea though, I think he could be a source of helping Febail at least... somewhat prepare for his future and what being a duke would entail. Febail at no time really understands in-game what he’s getting himself into, even when he’s told he’s Brigid’s son, and so Eldigan might be the wake-up call he needs. 

Regardless of the previous two ifs, there’s always the potential of Febail giving yet another viewpoint on what Ares has been doing and what he’s like, though of course he’s a lot less helpful of a source than Lene would be lmao

4. Ares & Dew

I have all these Jugdrali muses who live in / are relevant during the time period Ares is and yet RNG chooses Dew, huh. The One (1) that isn’t. Close with an FE4 muse yet so far ok.jpeg

With the interaction we had with Eldigan and Dew already, I think the idea of Ares having inherited alongside Mystletainn the sword Dew gave Eldigan and Dew recognizing it could be wild hahaha especially if it’s like. Wow. This Sword Either Went Entirely Unused Or You Took Really Good Care Of It, Huh considering I doubt Eldigan would’ve done anything with it. //:

There’s also the potential of Dew being alive in Gen 2 and them meeting quite literally that way, though ofc they can just meet up in Heroes verse with Dew being a ghost like all the other gen 1 units. This is basically a role-reversal of the Eldigan and Febail pitch I had where now Dew is able to tell Ares more about the time period where his father was living, maybe clear up some unanswered questions, but from the perspective of someone who is a bit more detached than, say, Lachesis or Sigurd who would have their biases or might be troubling in their own ways to approach due to heavier consequences should the conversation go wrong. But with Dew, those consequences don’t exist. After all, who cares much about a thief from Verdane and upsetting him?

There’s also the strange barely mentioned ties between Verdane and Agustria post-game that could make a conversation between them based upon the countries they belong to in a way, or I guess if we really wanted to go there, there’s always the fact that Dew is one of Aunt Lachy’s predestineds. God, wild uncle possibilities for Ares going from Beo to Dew to the only reasonable man of Naoise.

5. Yuri & Clive

I still know next to nothing about the Ashen Wolves but from what information I’ve been given (whether it be canon or just people feeding me hcs in a way that seemed like canon to me), I’m not so sure I think these two would be on very good terms. It sounds like to me Yuri might have an issue with Clive as a knight based on Yuri’s own experiences and ideals, but I also cannot get a good read on Yuri at all with how some people say him and also you telling me he’s not very receptive to Crimson Flower as a route, throwing me a big curveball in my attempt to understand his motivations or principles LMAO

I think Clive’s always an interesting comparison point for a lot of FE characters with his views on duty, class systems, merit and what people ought to be recognized, affection, etc. and it sounds to me like Yuri has strong opinions himself! Even if i don’t know them

Maybe Clive’s thoughts on accepting those shunned by his peers because they too might have the potential to shine could be received well but all the other parts aren’t. Who Knows. I don’t know why I tried talking my way through this when I know absolute jack maskhgr i am So Sorry

#// i can't believe i have not one but two muses who would not be creeped out by sara's all-seeing ways LMAO #knightlydumbass #+. / ooc. #+. / inbox. #long post ---

[nataliecarsonsuniverse]

Say You Will Remember Me (Part 1)

Summary:

2016: Spencer has just gotten married to (Y/n), the girl of his dreams. The two navigate their new life together as they work through his demanding job and a stalker that just won't leave them alone. 

2018: Wendy and Peter have been hiding out in Maine for nearly a year now from Wendy's abusive ex. The two are just starting to settle into the new lives that they hope to spend with each other.

2020: After two years of searching for his missing wife, (Y/n) and Spencer are brought back together again. However, things take a turn for the worse as Spencer realizes that she is no longer the same girl he married.

A/N: The years listed here do not coordinate with the seasons in any way, the years are more or less just to show the timeline of the story and put the events in order.

June 2016

Washington D.C.

“ Good afternoon passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for flight 89B to Helena, Montana. We are now inviting those passengers with small children…” (Y/n) drowned out the rest of the service announcement opting instead to look at her husband. Her Husband. She still wasn’t used to that, she wasn’t sure she ever would be either. Her Husband. When TSA had checked her ticket and called her Mrs.Reid she did a double-take before remembering that is her name now. Mrs.Reid , she mouthed the word to herself. She was Mrs.Reid .

“Is this strange to you?” She asked him to move her head off of his shoulder and readjust her backpack ready to get on the nearly seven-hour plane ride. “Are you going to be able to rough it with the flying coach with the rest of us?” When he looked down at her the adoration in his eyes made her want to melt just a little and she was pretty sure that she literally felt her heart melt.

“Anything for you.” He replied. “And for the record, I have flown coach numerous times. It’s not that bad.”

(Y/n) shoved his shoulder. “I don’t know if I was jet setting across the country in a private jet I would never be able to get back on a United Flight. I mean the overhead bin storage is crowded, there is no leg room, the person in front you always reclines their seat. You see that baby over there?” (Y/n) asked pointing towards a mother with a stroller and sleeping infant that was getting ready to board. “That kid will be crying within the first 45 minutes and won’t stop until the last 45 minutes. And don’t even get me started on the cheap pretzels they hand out.”

Spencer laughed looking down at his wife who was currently curled up on two different seats with her blanket stretched out over her. “You know it’s going to be fine right?”

“Of course it’s going to be fine,” (Y/n) replied, sitting up to look at him. “It’s going to be more than fine. It’s going to be fucking fantastic. We’re going to land in Montana. It will be cool, I can wear my sweaters comfortably in June and you won’t look strange to people walking around in a cardigan in June.”

“It’s not that strange to wear a cardigan in June.” Spencer countered.

“Yes, it is,” (Y/n) replied. “Especially when you live in D.C. and it’s 100 degrees outside not including the humidity.”

“The humidity is what gets you,” Spencer replied. “That was the hardest adjustment after moving here from Vegas. I could not believe how much I was sweating when I first moved here”

“And yet you still wear multiple layers,” (Y/n) said laughing. “God I can not wait to land and for this week to start.”

“Me neither.” Spencer said kissing the top of her head before they made the boarding call for zone 4. “Ready?” He asked as she shifted to sit up. (Y/n) grabbed her blanket and neatly folded it up as much as she could before readjusting her backpack on her shoulder.

“Absolutely,” she said standing up as he followed suit. Before he could turn away she stood on her tiptoes pressing a light kiss to his lips. “I’m so happy right now.” She breathed, licking her lips.

“You have no idea,” he whispered back as the two of them made their way towards the gate hand in hand. They each pulled out their boarding pass when they made it to the front of the line.

They both scanned their pass before being ushered into the gateway. “Have a nice flight Mr. and Mrs.Reid.”

“It’s Dr,” (Y/n) whispered as they made their way down the gateway to the plane. “Dr and Mrs.Reid.” She finished. Spencer chuckled next to her stepping back so that she could enter the plane first. (Y/n) made her way to their seats which were luckily towards the front of the plane. Spencer had picked the seats claiming that by the time they made it through the seven-hour flight he was going to want to get her off that plane as soon as quickly so that they could go to the B and B they were staying at and let the honeymoon begin. She wasn’t going to be one to object to his plan.

(Y/n) sighed in relief when they got on the plane upon seeing that this was a smaller aircraft then what she had expected. Usually, when she flew home to Seattle it was a massive plane with at least rows of six but this one only had rows of 4 two on each side of the aisle. This meant that the two of them wouldn’t have to share with anyone which was phenomenal in her book. Spencer took her backpack from her and put it and his satchel in the overhead compartment while she took her blanket and made herself comfortable in the window seat.

When Spencer sat down in the aisle seat she was quick to make herself comfortable again resting her head on his shoulder and pulling her feet up under herself. It was the kind of position they often found themselves in at home. It was the only way that she shouldn't complain about having to watch a movie in a different language, that and the fact that it was so freaking cute when Spencer would mouth the translation to himself not realizing he was doing so.

Spencer ran his hand through (Y/n)’s hair as they waited for all the passengers to board the plane. It felt like it took forever but then again he wasn’t used to more than seven people boarding a plane. Finally, once it seemed that people stopped moving down the aisle the flight attendant came over the radio “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onboard Flight 89B with service from Helena Montana to Washington D.C. We are currently third in line for take-off and are expected to be in the air in approximately seven minutes’ time.” He tried to listen to the rest of her announcement but quickly found himself by his wife who was tugging on the sleeve of his cardigan.

“Have I told you how much I love you?” She asked.

“Maybe once or twice.” He replied.

“Well, I’m going to say it for the third time. I love you and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“I’m right there with you (Y/n).” He whispered kissing the top of her head in a move that became so habitual that half the time he didn’t even realize he was doing it. “I love you so much.”

--------

July 2018

Bar Harbor, Maine

Wendy stood at the edge of the yacht with her arms outstretched very much so in the same fashion Rose did on the Titanic only Wendy’s Jack was not there to hold her steady. The cool Maine breeze swept over the side of the boat and for the first time in a long time she felt one hundred percent okay.

“Wendy!” Peter called out. “You’re scaring me!” There was her Jack, Wendy thought to herself.

“Sorry.” She said stepping down from the edge of the yacht. “I just got caught up in the moment.” She continued.

“It’s okay,” Peter said coming up and wrapping his arms around her. “Are you feeling better?” He asked his voice dripping with concern so much so that she almost felt guilty for implying that she never was okay in his embrace.

“Yes.” She replied without hesitation of a doubt. “Being outside and getting fresh air helps so much.” She continued. “We should do this more often, just you, me, and the water.”

“Perhaps we can.” Peter mused. “I guess there is no harm in being out here.”

“It’s been almost a year,” Wendy whined to Peter. “Don’t you think that we are safe by now?” She asked turning in his embrace and batting her eyes at him.

“I do.” Peter sighed. “I just want to be extra cautious.” He whispered. “I can’t lose you. Not again.”

Wendy reached up to gently cup his face in her hands before standing on her tiptoes and pressing a soft kiss on his lips. He sighed against her and she could almost feel all the tension leaving his body. “You won’t.” She promised. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know,” Peter replies when they reluctantly pull apart. “It’s just that sometimes I lie awake at night unable to shake the image of you lying there cold and lifeless and I think to myself what if I had been just ten minutes late and that monster had actually killed you?” He was breathing harder now, his brain starting to dive into the rabbit hole of what-ifs.

“Hey,” Wendy said softly. “Look at me.” He looked down at her and just like that all of his worries went away. She was still here. She was still alive. “You did make it in time.” She said. “There is no use thinking about the what-ifs of the past, they didn’t happen, why worry about something that already did not happen?”

“I know that you are right.” he said “I just-”

“I know.” Wendy cut him off. “I know. But I don’t want to think about him for one more second. I want to enjoy this day with you.”

“Okay.” Peter agreed before retreating inside the cabin of the boat to grab their beach towels and deli sandwiches that they had made this morning. Peter spread two towels out on the deck while Wendy peeled off her cover-up before sitting on her towel. The Maine air was slightly cold as it rolled off the water but she didn’t mind. It was almost kind of a relief to have a seventy-degree day on July 4th.

“Here you go,” Peter said, handing her the turkey sandwich and a can of Coke. “I was thinking maybe tonight we can grill burgers and watch the fireworks?”

“That sounds perfect,” Wendy replied, smiling to herself as she thought about just how far she had come in the last year. She couldn't wait to see what was in store for her for the remaining years that hse would without a doubt spend with Peter at her side.

------

June 2016

East Glacier Park, Montana

Spencer parked the rental car outside the gorgeous lodge that two had booked and looking at the scenery blew (Y/n)’s mind away. “This place is amazing!” She said her mouth was still partly agap. The drive itself from Helena to Glacier had been breathtaking, to say the least, but the closer they got to the national park the more beautiful the landscape began.

“You’re so lucky,” (Y/n) said as the two of them got out of the car and Spencer grabbed the bags from the back of the car. She threw her backpack over her shoulder walking over and taking his satchel from him so that he can carry both of their luggage. “You literally get paid to travel all over the place on a private jet.”

“Yeah because I have a lot of time to sightsee,” Spencer said.

“When do you go back?” (Y/n) dreads the answer, she wanted to just enjoy this week that the two of them had but there was a clock somewhere in the back of the other mind counting down the hours until he would be whisked away again to go fight crime. She loved that his job involved making a difference in the world but sometimes it was lonely when your boyfriend, husband were constantly gone for a week at a time.

“A week.” He replied. “But we have the entire week with absolutely no phone calls or texts.” He continued as he closed the trunk of the car before locking the doors. “Plus it’s only another two weeks until I have thirty days off with fairly normal hours. But let’s not worry about any of that this weekend okay?”

“Okay.” (Y/n) agreed as the two of them made their way into the lobby of the lodge. When they entered the lodge, both of them were blown away with the massive room with the high ceilings and exposed wood beams. The Montana sun streamed through large skylights on the roof giving the lodge a rustic simplistic feel. “This is amazing,” (Y/n) said as they made their way over to the check-in counter.

There were lots of tables and couches in the lobby with people congregating and socializing at each one. Towards the back of the lobby, there were some checkers and chess boards that (Y/n) knew that the two of them would be spending a fair amount of time at. She beat Spencer one time at chess but if you asked him it was only because she cheated by unbuttoning the top few buttons of her blouse and leaning over the board as if she couldn’t quite see the pieces well enough. Still, she was getting much better at the game, to the point where she could now hold her on pretty well. There were several really close games between the two of them where she was just one move behind having him beat.

Behind the chess boards were large windows that let sunlight streak through the lobby just as much as the skylights did. The windows revealed the stunning scenery outside with a river running through the valley of the mountains. It looked like there was a large wrap-around patio back there also consisting of tables for guests to enjoy the scenery at.

When they were called to the front desk the two of them made their way to the woman with a large smile on her face. “How can I help you guys today?” She asked.

“We’re checking into our room,” (Y/n) said resting her elbows on the counter of the desk. “For Reid.”

The woman nodded typing into the computer. “Alright, so it looks like you two are in the honeymoon suite.” She said sliding them two key cards across the counter. “So if you go up those stairs over there,” She said pointing towards the back of the lobby “You’ll go up to the fourth floor, and then your room will be just down the hall from there. If you guys have any questions at all please feel free to stop back by.”

“Thank you.” Both Spencer and (Y/n) said together taking the keys off the counter and heading back towards where she pointed at the stairs being. At the top of the stairs, they head down the long corridor until they find the room that they were assigned. (Y/n) puts her card in the key reader before opening the door to reveal the elegant yet rustic looking suite.

“Oh my gosh,” (Y/n) said as she walked towards the giant windows overlooking the river that flowed below. “This is amazing.”

Spencer put their bags down on the footrest that was sitting in front of the bed before walking over to wear (Y/n). He stood directly behind her circling his hands around her waist, his head resting on top of hers. “I feel like I’m dreaming.” He whispered.

(Y/n) turned around in his arms standing on her tiptoes to close the distances between them. He didn’t hesitate to kiss her back, his hands quickly finding the familiar space tangled in her. She sighed against him as he picked her up so that her legs were wrapped around his waist. “What if- and hear me out- what if we stay here for just a little bit longer than expected and then we can go hike the park?”

Spencer laughed before attaching his lips to hers again. “That’s cute that you thought I might not agree with that.” He said before throwing her down on the king-size bed, her laugher filling the room before he got on the bed to join her.

-----

July 2018

Bar Harbor, Maine

Wendy pushed her plate away from herself, feeling stuffed while sitting on their back patio watching the fireworks that their neighbors were setting off. “That burger was so good.” She said. “Although I’m not sure why I’m surprised, everything that you cook is absolutely amazing. I mean who taught you how to cook like that?”

Peter got up from the table grabbing her plate and then his own. “My dad actually.” He said walking through the sliding glass door to throw away their plates. Wendy started to get up and follow him but he assured her that he would be right back. True to his word, Peter was sitting right next to her again within two minutes. “My mom couldn’t cook at all.” Peter continued. “Partly because no one had ever taught her how but I think largely because she would just get so distracted caught up in daydreams that everything would either end up really burnt or severely undercooked.”

“Both my parents were pretty good at cooking.” Wendy said “but they never really taught me how to cook. To be honest they never really taught me anything about being an adult. I think they just kind of assumed that I would always be their little girl but then when I turned eighteen and I was moving off to college and all of a sudden it was too late to teach someone everything there is to be an adult.”

“Do you think that’s maybe why you ended up in the situation that you did?” Peter asked. “I mean there are certain men out there who look for women who need someone to depend on. They got off on the idea that they are the only thing that’s keeping you from living in a box on the side of the road.”

Wendy pondered that for a moment before slowly speaking “Maybe. But I don’t really think that’s fair to blame what he did to me on them. I mean he was the monster and I don’t really want to place blame on anyone but him.”

“Of course.” Peter agreed. “I didn’t mean to imply that they were to blame. It is 100 percent his fault that this happened to you and I don’t want you to ever think differently.”

“You know, it’s funny,” Wendy said. “I spent all day thinking about the last fourth of July when I was with him and I just can’t help but think how far I have come. I am happier now than I have been in years and it’s all thanks to you. When I think about what my life could’ve been had you not shown up I honestly start to hyperventilate just a little.”

“Hey,” Peter whispered, pulling his chair back from the table and motioning her to come over to him to sit in his lap. She hesitated for a second and he caught on “it’s okay.” He said beckoning her towards him.

“I’m sorry,” She said, tears starting to spring to her eyes at the painful memory Peter was forced to the forefront of her mind. “It’s just that he used to make me sit in his lap after he hit me.” she hiccuped “He used to make me sit in his lap and he would stroke my hair telling me how sorry he was, that it was never going to happen again, but of course it always did.” She sobbed but now Peter was kneeling in front of her holding her hands.

“It’s okay.” He shushed her. “He can’t hurt anymore. You’re safe now remember?” Peter asked her. “I promise he’s never going to find you again. You will never have to see his face again, hear his voice, his name, feel his touch. I swear to God Wendy he will never have you again.”

“Thank you,” Wendy said as Peter raised a hand to her cheek to brush away the tears that were now silently falling from her checks.

“Do you want to go to bed?” He asked. “Maybe a good night's sleep will help like it usually does?” Wendy nodded as Peter stood up taking her hand in his and leading her down the hall towards the bedroom of the one-story ranch Peter had inherited when his uncle died.

In the bedroom, Wendy quickly changed into her pajamas before crawling under the covers. It didn’t take long for Peter to do the same wrapping his arms around her as he did every night. It took some getting used to at first but over time she became accustomed to the feeling of his arms around hers. It now no longer reminded her of the relationship that she had left. When Peter wrapped his arms around her, it felt safe and comfortable versus the feeling of being trapped and imprisoned within yourself. She wondered how long it would take for her to get comfortable sitting in his lap.

“Peter?” Wendy asked in the darkness

“Yes?” He asked.

“Do you think I’ll ever get to meet your parents?” She asked him.

“Maybe someday down the road once all the dust has settled.” He replied and she smiled to herself at the idea of them being together still five years from now. She wanted that. She wanted that so badly.

-----

June 2016

Glacier National Park

“Did you know that Glacier National Park is the first national peace park?” Spencer asked as the two of them drove through the winding roads of the park stopping occasionally to get out and take pictures. “It’s actually called Waterton Glacier International Peace park as it straddles Montana and Alberta.”

“I did not know that.” (Y/n) said, “I’ve never actually been to Alberta.”

“I’ve never been to Canada,” Spencer responded.

“How have you never been to Canada?” She asked him “Not even like Toronto?” She questioned.

“Nope,” Spencer responded. “It’s just never come up and like you said earlier I spend so much traveling for work that when I do actually get home I like to just stay home.”

“That’s fair,” (Y/n) said. “How did I not know that you’ve never been to Canada?” She asked herself. “Now I’m annoyed that you didn’t tell me that earlier, we could’ve gone up there. It’s only like an hour drive or so to the border.”

“We can do it some other time.” He replies. “We’ve got the rest of our lives to remember? We don’t have to check everything off in the first week of marriage.”

“True.” She said as they approached a stop sign. “According to the map, if you make a right here this will be the beginning of the sun road which is supposed to give some of the most scenic views in the park.”

“Do you want to do all 49.71 miles of it?” He asked her. “Keeping in mind that it will actually be 99.42 miles by the time we get back.”

(Y/n) checked her watch noting the time. “I’m up for it if you are. It won’t be dark by the time we are finished which leaves enough time for a sunset dinner.”

“Sunset dinner?” He asked, smiling over at her.

“Yes.” (Y/n) said while you were showering I read the brochure on the desk and it said that the tables on the back deck offer a great view of the sunset at night.”

“That sounds amazing,” Spencer said reaching across the counselor for (Y/n)’s hand which he gave a quick squeeze feeling his heart soar with just how happy he felt at this moment. He wished so badly that he could just freeze this moment and live it for the rest of his life.

Later that night the two of them sat at a table outside, (Y/n) wearing one of the many cardigans he had packed hugging it tightly to herself only slightly shivering. It was only sixty degrees outside which wasn’t bad but it was when you just came from D.C. where nights were still in the eighties.

“This is so beautiful.” she mused looking over at Spencer who was staring at her. “Why are you staring at me? You’re going to miss the sunset.” She said realizing exactly what she had set him up. “If you say anything corny about how I’m prettier than the sunset I swear.”

“You are though!” Spencer whined while (Y/n) lightly slapped him on the arm.

“Such a romantic sap.” (Y/n) laughed, taking another bite of her salmon before pulling out her phone and pulling up the camera. “Smile.” She instructed him to hold up the photo so that the two of them were in the frame and the sun was setting over the mountain and the river in the background. (Y/n) snapped the picture smiling to herself and the end results before sending it to him. She immediately made the picture her background and later that night when she awoke in the middle of the night and reached blindly for his phone to check the time she smiled to herself seeing that he too had made the picture his wallpaper.

Chapter Two)

March 2017

Washington D.C.

(Y/n) sat on the couch, her leg anxiously bouncing up and down. Spencer was due to be home any minute now and she could not wait to see him. He had been gone for nine days this time, far longer than usual. To say that the nights had been lonely was an understatement. She got through the day as best as she could, it wasn’t hard to be distracted all day while teaching fourth graders. After the fifth night of him not coming home she decided she would stay later at work, grading papers and getting ready for the next day. Honestly, anything to avoid having to go home to their empty house.

Friday night she had been at a bar with some friends when he called to tell her they had finally solved the case. She got so excited when he told her that he thought that he would be home that night and that she would finally get to share her bed with her husband again only for him to tell her that the weather in Seattle was really bad and they weren’t going to be able to fly out till Saturday morning. She had tried to hide her disappointment in her voice, she had always tried to make an effort to make it seem like she was okay with the long periods of absence. She never wanted him to think that she resented him for his job. So she tried to hide it the best she could, but she had also already had two beers and according to him, she was a lightweight, so she was pretty sure that he heard the disappointment. And if he didn’t he definitely figured it out when she said “what a fucking bummer” into the phone thinking that she had already hung it up.

So when she finally heard keys in the door and the doorknob turn it open it should not have surprised when she nearly tackled him before he made it into their apartment. Yet for a genius, he could be pretty dense sometimes.

“Woah (Y/n),” He said laughing as she snaked her arms around his neck, her lips already finding him. Nine days she thought. Nine days since she had kissed. After a second of kissing, whatever hesitation or exhaustion that was left him gave in as he dropped his bags right there in the entryway and carried her to their bedroom.

Afterward, he pulled her into his chest burying his nose into her red hair feeling content now that he was back home with her. Traveling all the time used to never bother him but now that he was leaving her behind each time he heard the phrase “wheels up” he mentally shuddered to wonder how long it would be until he can fall asleep next to her again. And then there was how much more dangerous the job felt now. All of a sudden there was a person waiting for him to come home, someone who would be devastated if he never did come home. Sure his mom would be devastated as well as the team but yet the idea of leaving her behind made him want to be sick.

“Spence?” (Y/n) asked, putting a hand on his chest, raising herself up just a little to look at him. “Where did you go?”

“Sorry.” He replied as he went back to rubbing circles on her back as she once again settled herself against his chest. He was slightly disappointed that it was only 1 pm as he would’ve loved to have just fallen asleep right now. “You seem really happy today.” He said all of a sudden remembering the way that she practically pounced on him the second he walked in the door.

“I just missed you,” (Y/n) responded. “But also you hit your one hundred marks which means that I have the next thirty days with you.”

“Always a hidden motive with you isn’t there?” he asked teasingly. He of course also knew that he would get to spend the next thirty days working fairly normal hours while teaching. He used to hate the whole thirty days off thing but now that he was married he absolutely loved it.

“Ah man, you caught me,” (Y/n) responded before looking back up at him again noting the way that his eyelids were droopy and he was clearly struggling to keep his eyes open. “You’re tired,” she said. “What if we take a one hour nap and then head off to a late lunch or something?”

“Actually it’s not good to nap for more than thirty minutes. The ideal time to nap is twenty minutes as after thirty minutes the body will start to retreat into a deeper sleep and that will cause someone to wake more groggy than when they first started sleeping.” Spencer rambled.

“Okay then,” (Y/n) said, reaching for her phone off the bed stand table. “Then we will nap for twenty minutes.” Spencer nodded as she set an alarm before setting the phone back down on the table. She then laid her head back down on his chest and listened to his heartbeat slowly even out. Within about 2 minutes of setting the alarm, he was out like a light while she stared at their bedroom wall drawing lazy circles on his bare skin.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #mgg

[randomoranges]

Lol. So I reworked this in parts. Added a lot to it. And I feel I still could have gone on with this, but I didn’t want to completely re-write this. It’s not the point of this exercise. Still wish I could plug a machine to my brain in the morning when I’m still in bed and think these great dialogues and scenes though. there’s something to be said about the messy in-between. Still a lot left to say about the past, but there’s something new in the future. 

Perfect Cities Regret

 Post birthday 2017

 Étienne was uncharacteristically quiet and had been this way for most of the day. It had been a few months since their last impromptu meeting and since then, they had exchanged a handful of letters, much to Edward’s pleasure and surprise, but their new fragile – whatever they were calling this – was still in its early infancy and therefore, fragile. Business had brought them once more to the same city and Edward had quite frankly been surprised to find Étienne at it again. It wasn’t like him to come to the meetings, Edward knew for a fact Étienne despised them, but when he’d asked, Étienne had told him that Élyse was under the weather and so he was stepping in.

 In the spirit of their “let’s try to be civil again” clause, Edward had reached out to Étienne and asked him if he wanted to meet up after the meeting. Étienne had agreed and they had walked down the streets of the city, catching up on their busy lives. Edward had marvelled at how once upon a time, it seemed as though he had endless time to visit his friend and now their schedules were incompatible at best. Then again, it wasn’t as if he was actually actively trying to meet up with Étienne at the drop of a hat. And Étienne wasn’t clearing his schedule for him either...  

 “It’s because you wanted to visit, before. Now you’re partially afraid, so the convenience of being “busy” is a crutch.” His brain supplied for him and he hated how that wasn’t entirely wrong. Perhaps afraid was the wrong word. He felt wrong footed and didn’t want to assume Étienne wanted to spend time with him either, or push him away. Then there was the matter of complicated feelings and unresolved issues in the way.

 It was difficult moving on when every thought of Étienne was heavy with nostalgia and the never ending list of what ifs and questions. Seeing the shadow of what Étienne had once been pained him and he wondered if his friend had always been that way and he had simply been blinded by a visceral need for companionship. It was a good thing he had Calvin now, or he knew he would have returned to Étienne a long time ago, not knowing that there was a real shot at happiness within reach. He would have run back to Étienne without even knowing where he stood with him and he knew it would have ended in misery yet again.

 Yet, a voice inside his head still whispered doubt to him every now and again and he hated that he still didn’t know, so many years later and that he wasn’t able to let it be. Let bygones be bygones and such.

 But that didn’t mean he had stopped worrying or caring for Étienne.

 “You’ve been rather quiet. Spill, what’s on your mind?”

 Edward had noticed it during the meeting. Étienne had sat in his usual corner, he’d kept mostly to himself, had said his bit, jotted down whatever comments and suggestions had been given and then had sat down quietly for the remainder of the meeting. He hadn’t participated, Edward could have almost forgotten he was there, had it not been for the fact that he was sitting in Edward’s line of sight.

 “Hmm? Oh, it’s nothing. Just been a long week.” Étienne looked away from the window he had been staring at and took a drink from his milkshake. They had walked into the place after Edward had complained that he was starving and joked that Étienne was purposefully making him go hungry.

 Edward would have let the comment slip, once upon a time, but he knew better and could tell that there was something genuinely bothering the other man. “Don’t bullshit me, Étienne. Come on, you know you can tell me. Aren’t we supposed to be friends and try to talk about stuff?” Edward tried to keep his tone even, but it was starting to get to him. Why was it that Étienne could write five page letters going on about his feelings for other people, about his heartaches, and about his fears, but when they were together, he caged up and remained tight lipped?

 “I don’t know, you tell me.” Étienne snapped and then winced. He hadn’t meant to sound so harsh, but he was tired of feeling left out, tired of feeling unwanted and tired of getting pity from the rest.

 “I’m sorry. Forget I said anything.” Étienne mumbled, looking back at his drink and then the window. He played with the straw for a moment, while Edward studied him.

 Edward felt he was at the surface of the issue and if he could just get a good grip on it, then he would finally get Étienne to tell him what had been troubling him. And it wasn’t just now. He’d noticed it in the tone of the letters. Edward had read enough of Étienne’s letters to be able to pick up on his moods and state of mind from the words he wrote and those he didn’t. Étienne was sitting on something and he was being a rightful pain about it. The story was starting to get annoying and Edward was this close to tossing it all aside. If Étienne wanted to be a petulant child, then that was on him. No one could reproach him for not trying.

 “Look, I’m sorry I was harsh, but you are my friend.” Edward started again, after a lapsed silence. “I’m just worried. You haven’t seemed yourself as of late. Are you okay?” He asked again, softer. He tried catching Étienne’s gaze, but his friend’s usually bright green eyes were dull and guarded. He had seen that look too many times to know that whatever was troubling Étienne wasn’t new. In fact, it had probably festered into something of gargantuan proportions and was keeping him up at night. But Edward couldn’t read minds so either Étienne tell him, or he was leaving.

 “It’s fine.” Étienne dismissed the rest of Edward’s question and another uncomfortable silence would have settled between them, had it not been for their food that arrived at that specific moment.

 Thankful for something to do with his hands and also famished, Edward tucked into his meal and started putting a good dent in his sandwich. At least he had that. It gave Étienne a chance to mull over his thoughts. If he chose to say anything, Edward would be more than glad to listen, but if not, he was done trying.

 They ate in silence, Edward took his time eating, not knowing what to say, while Étienne played around with his food, another warning bell going off his in head. Sometimes he truly wished he didn’t care so much for Étienne. It would be easier. Especially when Étienne was being a bitch about it. Seeing Étienne so clearly unhappy chagrined him, but Edward had learnt a long time ago that he couldn’t help Étienne if Étienne didn’t want to be helped.

 He was seriously considering faking an emergency call when Étienne broke the silence he had placed them in.

 “Do you regret me?” He asked, quiet, his voice trembling a little. For a moment, Edward wasn’t sure he had heard him correctly, or that Étienne had even addressed him, but when he looked at him, his eyes were heavy with emotions Edward didn’t want to recognise. There was a storm there, a proper maelstrom brooding that threatened to swallow him hole and unravel the careful thread of their fragile reconnection, if he went about this the wrong way.

 “What?” He asked dumbly. He knew it wasn’t the right answer, but so shocked was he that his brain needed a moment to process things.

 “The time we spent together, do you regret it?” He asked again.

 Edward knew the answer. He didn’t even have to think about it, but he was so surprised by the seemingly out of the blue question that he faltered and couldn’t formulate the words. The small hope Edward had spied in Étienne’s eyes quickly disappeared, leaving mere anguish than anything else.

 “I’m sorry I wasted your time.” Étienne mumbled. He reached for his walled and took out a crumbled twenty, placing it between their dishes, before getting up. If he could make a hasty retreat, perhaps he could save whatever dignity he had left.

 No. This wasn’t ending this way. He was done with miscommunication. He was tired of being the bad guy. He’d gotten enough messages from Élyse. Emma hadn’t gotten off his case for literal years. This wasn’t going to come back to haunt him again. He wasn’t alone in this. “Wait. Étienne, where are you going?” Edward reached for Étienne’s arm and tugged him back towards his seat. “Give me a chance here; you can’t just ask a guy if he regrets spending twenty years with him and then leave. You caught me by surprise.”

 Étienne wordlessly sat down and stared at him, waiting.

 “I don’t regret you. God – I’ve never regretted you. Just because things didn’t work out between us doesn’t mean I wished it didn’t happen. I would have left a lot sooner if what we had didn’t appeal to me.”He started, trying to convey the right things to Étienne. Wanting him to understand. Wanting to smash his face on the table at the same time. How could Étienne think such a thing? Christ, twenty-fucking years. An entire lifetime worth of friendship. How shallow did Étienne think he was? “We had a good run. We had some great years and even though I wouldn’t do half the things we did anymore, I do cherish the time we had together.” He added.

 “Then why did you – why couldn’t you... be yourself with me?” Étienne finally asked. Edward blinked and looked at him long and hard. No matter how many years he had spent with Étienne, the other still managed to throw him for a loop every now and again. This was apparently one such moment.

 “What do you mean?”

 “Don’t play stupid with me, Edward. Why didn’t you tell me about your hobbies? Your love of cooking, or your strange, albeit endearing, teacup collection? Why did you shut me out? Why did you lie to me?”

 Oh.

 Oh so this is what this was about?  Étienne was going down that road?

 Edward gave a short, incredulous laugh, but then stopped when he realised Étienne had been quite serious. “For the same reasons you didn’t let me into your life.” If they were going to air out their dirty laundry, well Edward figured he could do Étienne the service of giving back just as good.

 “But I –” Étienne started protesting, before Edward silenced him with a look.

 “You let me in parts, Étienne. You may have opened up about certain things, but there was always more in that beautiful head of yours. It was always one third of a truth for two truths of a secret. I can’t read your mind. I never did and never could. You may have thought you were obvious with whatever it was that was going on inside your head, but you weren’t. You never were. We did it for the same reasons – or at least, that’s what years of thinking about this have led me to believe.” He paused, choosing his next words carefully. It would be too easy to get angry and say hurtful things that he wouldn’t be able to take back later. He was angry, sure, hurt absolutely, but he didn’t hate the man. “We were afraid. And if you weren’t, then I most certainly was.”

 He’d never had the luxury Étienne had had to be himself. He’d tried once and it had backfired on him. Spectacularly. And the fear of it happening again, despite what he was told, had stayed, in one shape or form, for a long time. He didn’t live on the same cloud Étienne had seemed to be on and sometimes, it felt as though Étienne just didn’t get it. He couldn’t just flip the finger and move on. Did Étienne really think he would have lived this way if he could have? Did he think he enjoyed being this way?

 “I was afraid you wouldn’t find me interesting, the moment you would know of the less exciting aspects of my personality. Put yourself in my place; I was a nobody and all of a sudden, you, Mister Personality himself, had taken an interest in me. I was shocked as much as I was flattered, but I also knew your type and felt I had to live up to that.” He started. If Étienne wanted a fight, then he could deliver. “I thought I was a curiosity to you, or some pity case/social experiment, at fist. But when you kept inviting me over and showing me around, I realised there had to be a bigger interest and I didn’t want you to grow tired of me. I didn’t want to bore you with the quieter aspects of me.” For so long, for so many years, he’d always wondered why it was that Étienne had kept him around. They’d grown in different directions, had different interests, and yet Étienne came back to him, and still he’d wondered when his friend would cut the tie and tell him that it’d been fun, but enough was enough.

 “Think about it – for one moment, just think. You kept on going about no strings attached, sex for the sake of sex, about getting bored quickly, the comments you made about the things you found boring, of mundane things, of hating certain things – how the fuck did you think I would feel? When I thought some of those were interesting?”

 Étienne looked at him, surprised, “I don’t know man, did it ever cross your mind that maybe I valued you as a friend? That I genuinely cared about you? That I stayed with you because I thought – I think – you’re a cool person? Or, d’you also think that I was too shallow to feel anything? Cause, I did – I did find you interesting. I – I l- you were important to me. You still are. I don’t understand why it had to end and I don’t understand how you could think – how you could still think you meant nothing to me.” He was angry. He was hurt. He had buried these feelings a long time ago, but it seemed Edward wouldn’t let him go about this.

 Edward sighed. Sometimes, Étienne could be rather thick headed and a little naïve. “I didn’T think you were shallow, but sometimes... sometimes it was hard to tell what you really thought. Like I said; there was always more going on inside your head than you cared to share. I couldn’t guess everything you felt or your motivations behind your actions. You hid behind your deflections and I couldn’t play your games anymore – didn’t want to. I felt we both wanted two different things.”

 “I wanted to be with you.” Étienne said with conviction. Spat it out and let it fall between them, somewhere with the sugar packets and the paper napkins. He looked right at Edward, straight into his hazel eyes and the determined flicker in them was enough to unsettle him.

 The silence that followed was deafening.

 Edward wanted to laugh again. Étienne really needed to get better with his timing. And delivery.

 “And how the fucking hell was I even supposed to know that?” He asked bitterly. Sure, Étienne had been nice to him. He’d been friendly. There were many times when Edward had wondered if any of the myriad of things Étienne had done could mean more, but then within the same breath he’d say or do something else that would contradict everything and make him question it all.

 “What if – what if I had said something back then? Would it have changed things? Maybe if you had actually believed in us – maybe if you hadn’t always hated yourself so god damned much – maybe if you hadn’t been so fucking cynical you could have seen some of the good in it all, but I guess you were too important for good things to happen to you. Better go off on a pity party than to take a fucking chance!” He continued as if he hadn’t heard him, going off now that he had started, letting it all out now so that he could regret it later. Regret and feel terrible and hate himself for it.

 Edward sneered at him, a violent thing. It was one thing knowing your faults. It was another thing when your best friend (former best friend? Former lover?) called you out on it. It was something else when you were called out on it with so much hate and hurt. After so long. He’d spent the last two decades working on himself – trying to be better, because he knew that he’d let self-doubt taint his life for too long, but he hadn’t been the only one at fault. Étienne hadn’t been all peaches and cream either.

 He  wondered how many times it was that Étienne could give him whiplash in one sitting.

 “Yeah, well, lucky you things didn’t work out then. Now you’re not stuck with a loser like me. And I guess we’ll never know for sure if it would’ve worked out if any of us had said anything back then. After all, there’s no guarantee you wouldn’t have bolted the other way had I said anything. There’s no use mourning for a life we never had. Things happened the way they did and now you need to move past whatever missed opportunity we may have had, no matter how much it hurts.” They both had to, really, but maybe if he said it aloud it would actually happen.

 He sighed, took a moment to breathe.

 This had not gone the way he’d expected it to. Or the way he’d wanted it to.

 And here he thought they’d been making progress.

 But then again....

 Had they ever even tried to address the multiple elephants in their room? Maybe it was best if they had this fight now, when they were still trying to rebuild. Maybe they would be stronger for it in the long term. There was still so much more that needed to be addressed. This had been nothing but a surface scratch.

 One thing he knew for sure was that as much as it had felt a little bit good to lash out, he knew he’d feel bad later on and that he didn’t want to leave Étienne on such a sour note. He supposed he preferred the little progress they had made over the years of radio silence.

 “I’m sorry,” Étienne’s voice cut through his silent musings and Edward looked up to the other’s face.  Edward could see the storm brewing in the other man’s eyes, but he waited to see what else Étienne would say, not trusting himself just yet. “I guess you’re right – we both held back, we both could have done things differently, and at the end of it all, neither of us did. I shouldn’t have gone off like that...” Edward waited, he could tell there was more Étienne would say. “I’m sorry I doubted you – I guess I just – I – fuck,” He sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face, bumping his glasses off his nose, “If we’re trying to be more honest or whatever, I guess the point is that I missed you – I miss you and I want to be friends, I really do.”

 Edward studied his face as Étienne fell quiet. There were no tricks here and he sounded genuine. Maybe he was being a fool, maybe he was being hopeful, but he took a chance. He wanted this to work as well. Therefore, on a rather bold move from his part, Edward reached over for Étienne’s hand instead and gave it a long squeeze. The fact that Étienne didn’t pull away was already something and it reassured him in so many ways.

 “I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t be yourself.” Étienne murmured, finally, after a beat. Edward squeezed his hand and was relieved when Étienne squeezed his back.

 “I’m sorry too.”

 There was still more they needed to discuss and Edward could tell that Étienne was holding back on some things, but maybe it was better not to push for the time being. Maybe they both needed a little more time and he supposed there would always be the letters, where Étienne would keep on opening up, one page at a time. And if Étienne ever did want to actually talk, he would be ready to listen. Until then, this would have to do.

 FIN 41

 Started writing: April 22nd 2017, 3:58pm

Finished writing: April 22nd 2017, 5:22pm

Started typing: May 5th 2017, 3:37pm

Finished typing: May 5th 2017, 5:07pm

#pc: montreal #pc: edmonton #edward murphy #étienne maisonneuve #projocanondoko #perfect cities #fic

[staliasjeronica]

Decathect - Swangs

Prompt: Fangs is in love with Sweet Pea, and has for many months now, and when he sees Sweet Pea and Josie at Cheryl’s end of summer party, he gets jealous and it shows.

Fangs sucked in his smooth lips, trying his best to hold in the tears that welled in his sad, pretty umber brown eyes. He watched sorrowfully as Sweet Pea and Josie sat beside each other on the edge of the pool at Thistlehouse, teasingly touching one another and giggling to themselves as if they were so irrevocably in love. Cheryl’s party signified the end of summer, and thus, their relationship from what Sweet Pea had told him about her conditions, but Fangs knew his best friend better than the laws of the Serpents. Sweet Pea was smitten with her, and even if they did, indeed, break up, he would still love her with every inch of his being because that’s just how Sweet Pea was. Much like Fangs himself, once he started to love someone, he doesn’t stop. He loves so deeply, so gently—he never wants to hurt anyone and he would bare whatever they had to so that the world—their world—would be a better place.

Normally, Fangs was much better at hiding his outright jealousy, because he has been hearing about the couple left and right all summer since they got together, but something about today just sent him over the edge. He couldn’t contain his feelings any longer, and being in public really 

He smelled Veronica’s familiar sweet coconut water, lily, apple, and driftwood infused scent before he averted his eyes from the couple and watched his friend sit down in front of him on the patio chair, sliding a red cup in his direction knowingly. Her familiar aura set him at ease a little bit. With a sigh, she reached forward and grabbed his hand comfortingly. “I know it hurts, but you need to tell him, Fangs. Hopefully this dreadful liquid courage might help?”

The Serpent boy laughed humorlessly under his breath, shaking his head before he took a drink. He puckered his lips at the bitter taste. “I can’t. Like, literally, I can’t—I have rehearsed what I would say to him, what I want him to know, but I just can’t fucking speak when it comes to actually telling him about my feelings. Maybe I’m just doomed to watch the people I love, love someone else.”

“I can’t imagine how scary it is for you. But, doesn’t he deserve to know that his best friend is in love with him?” Veronica soothed the skin on Fangs’ hand with her thumb, sending him a small, sympathetic smile. “And once you know how he feels about it, you can do what you need to with it. Figure it out together, or, sadly, move on.”

“I did try to tell him a few weeks ago. I got a couple of awkward, stuttering words in when I choked and instead told him that we should go fuck around in Sweetwater swimming hole.”

“Damn… Well, then why don’t you try it on me, instead?” Veronica tilted her head, concerned for the boy and his spiraling emotions. “Just to, you know, get it out of your system and practice it a little bit?”

Fangs wasn’t sure about opening up in public, especially where both Josie and Sweet Pea could see, but he did know that she was right. Letting out a small sigh, he nodded and mentally chanted “you can do this” to himself. “Whenever I look at you… Sweet Pea…” the boy cleared his throat, feeling awkward considering he was technically calling Veronica by Sweet Pea’s name.

Veronica urged with a light chuckle, “It’s alright, go on. You can do this.”

“My heart stops. It feels like the first time, but in reality, it happened so many months ago. It’s weird, and sad, I know—you could call this the tragic story of Edward Fogarty if it helps in some way,” Fangs let out a soft smile, a humorous breath of air breezing past his lips. “But, I know that if I see you today, or any day, smiling and laughing and being happy... I’d be much happier, too, even though I would cry myself to sleep over many ‘what ifs’ when you sleep beside me on the couch after a long night of killing each other on Call of Duty.”

Veronica couldn’t help the cooing, yet saddened ’aw’ that escaped her mouth.

“Because, after all this time, you’re still one of the most unforgettable people in my life. Hopefully, you still think of me as I think of you. It might not be a romantic love, but anything is better than you hating me. So, if finding out about this does makes you hate me, please, just break my heart and get it over with.”

“You need to tell him. Once he knows, it’s all up to him, and your guys’ friendship to lead the way. If he doesn’t feel the same way, then at least you can move on,” Veronica explained slowly, as if speaking any faster would cause the Serpent’s watery eyes to barrel down his cheeks. “Until then, drink with me and enjoy the last days of summer. Isn’t that Sweet Pea and Josie’s relationship’s expiration date?”

Fangs nodded lightly, wiping at his wet eyelashes and inadvertently causing the floodgates to open. “Please tell me Cheryl has something stronger in the house, just for me. I desperately need much more than this trashy party beer.”

“For us, actually,” Veronica smiled sadly. “Jughead and I had a big fight. I’ll go ask if we can break into her parent’s personal stash that they left here.”

“What’d you two fight about, if you don’t mind me asking?” It was Fangs’ turn to gently rest his hand over Veronica’s in concern.

“He’s letting the power of being Serpent king get to him. It’s getting so bad that I might have to make him choose between me or being Serpent king,” Veronica looked away—a posture Fangs knew all too well when it came to Veronica Lodge. She was trying to seep herself from crying, from showering her emotions. Much like Fangs was, earlier. “Every time I tell him to stop being such a dick, and stop treating you and Sweet Pea like his lap dogs, he just brushes it off and says that I don’t know how gangs work. Does he realize that gangs specialize in doing crime and him making it some weird rule is literally against everything a gang is?”

Fangs scoffed lightly, shaking his head. “I can’t believe he tried to kick me out behind closed doors, but then just so publicly kicks out Cheryl and Toni. I mean, yeah, they did go against the stupid new rule he created, but they stole a stupid, expensive egg from your father. He’s our enemy—he shouldn’t give a flying fuck about it.”

“I mean, I did ask him to get the egg back. My father was threatening me,” Veronica sighed. “But he won’t listen to me when I tell him to let them back in, let Toni, a native of the Serpent’s, back in. He’s being so fucking stupid right now. So, want to come with me and stop moping and get drunk with me?”

“Sounds fun. I’m in, Lodge,” Fangs grinned, downing his cup before he followed after Veronica and left the longing sorrow for his best friend and Josie by the pool behind. Tonight, he would forget all about it.

At least, he wishes he could.

Fangs let out a low moan, breathing in deeply as the boy who was equally as drunk as him shoved him into the wall. “Pick a room, any room…”

Chuckling between wet kisses, the boy quickly checked the doorknob to the left, finding it locked, and obviously in use. With a dissatisfied groan, the guy dropped Fangs and, together, with arms slung over each other’s shoulders, they hunted for an empty room to occupy.

“Fuck, you smell so good,” the guy grunted, his nose pressing into Fangs’ shoulder as they stumbled along the long hallway. “You feel good, too,” he whispered seductively, once again slamming the Serpent into the wall. “Why don’t we just do it right here? I doubt anybody’s going to come up here.”

Fangs shook his head. “No, we need privacy. My best friend has been trying to talk to me all night but I’m ignoring him, so he may come looking for me.”

“Well, then, let him burst in on me on my knees,” the guy sucked at Fangs’ neck, desperate for his touch, for his kiss, for his drunken love. Fangs was equally as needy, but for the wrong reasons. “I doubt he’d do it again.”

“There’s the bathroom,” Fangs pointed out, “let’s hope no one’s in there.”

“If there is, they’re either going to have to leave, or share,” the boy snickered.

Pushing their way into the bathroom, both were silently relieved that nobody else was in there. The guy pushed Fangs off of his body, then cocked an eyebrow seductively. “Got any protection?”

Fangs threw his head back in a laugh. “I’m a Serpent. Do you really think I wouldn’t carry around protection just in case? This tattoo is like a sex magnet.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up and drop your pants.” However, instead, the guy grinned up at Fangs and did it for him with a devious, sharp eyebrow raised. When his pants were down by his ankles, the boy smirked as he looked him over. Biting down on his lip, he growled seductively, “Fuck, Fogarty…”

Fangs wasn’t able to do anything with him when the door burst open, Sweet Pea poking his head in with a sigh of relief. “Thank God, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Glancing at the guy with Fangs, he pointed his thumb behind him. “Out.”

The guy nodded, hastily crawling his way past Sweet Pea and out of the door.

“What the fuck, Sweet Pea?” Fangs snarled, pulling up his pants before he crossed his arms angrily. “Do you see me cock blocking you and Josie?”

Sweet Pea scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Well, even if you wanted to, you couldn’t. She broke up with me earlier today. But, right now I want to know why you’ve been ignoring me all night.”

“I just want to have some fun,” Fangs glared at his best friend. “Why do you have to ruin that just to ask me why you think I’ve been ignoring you. Which, by the way, I haven’t.”

“Oh, so when I confronted you earlier to tell you about Josie and I, you immediately went to go join some stupid North Sider looking for a chugging contest?” Sweet Pea narrowed his eyes, knowing there was something his best friend was hiding. “You’ve been ignoring me, dude. Why?”

“Maybe because I don’t want to hear every fucking thing about you and Josie, when I’m fucking in love with you!” Fangs snapped, taking a couple of moments to recognize that he had just told Sweet Pea his secret. But, not that it was already out, he had to keep going, he had to get everything off of his chest. “I’ve known for awhile now, and I’ve held my tongue because I know you’re in love with her, Pea. I know you better than I know myself.”

“Fangs…”

“No, don’t fucking say anything until I’m done!” Fangs shouted, tears welling up in his eyes. “I’ve been ignoring you because it kills me to know that you’ll never feel the same way about me, and you and I both know that you knowing this will fuck up everything between us.”

“What? Why would you think that?”

“Why would it ruin things between us? Because—”

“No,” Sweet Pea cut in with a small laugh. “Why would you think that I don’t feel the same way about you?”

“Because you look at Josie like she’s your whole world,” Fangs muttered, keeping his gaze onto the floor. “I can’t replace that—I don’t want to replace that. If you do like me like that, I don’t want to be her replacement. I don’t want to be your second choice.”

“Fangs,” Sweet Pea breathed in deeply as he took a couple of steps forward to meet his best friend’s body. “I may have fallen for her, sure, but it could never compare to what I feel for my best friend. You’ll never be my second choice.”

“Really?” Fangs looked up at Sweet Pea hopefully, surprised at how close he was to his face. He shook his head, ducking underneath him to bring distance between them. “No. You two just broke up—I’m not just going to be the rebound.”

“You’re not—”

“If I’m not your rebound, then will you say all of this again in two weeks, when I’m not buzzing with alcohol and you’re not hours fresh of a breakup?” Fangs questioned with tears running down his cheeks. “Will you, or is this just some way to make sure we stay friends?”

“Where is this coming from?”

“It’s coming from everything I’ve seen the last few months, what I’ve figured out about you,” Fangs rotated his jaw. “If you’re not lying to me, we can do this again in two weeks. Say yes, or I’m leaving right now.”

Sweet Pea’s mouth slacked a couple of times, wanting to speak, but being unable to.

“I knew it. This is you just trying to keep me as your best friend in hopes that we can restart,” Fangs shook his head, disappointed. He turned around and flung the door back, seething. “Suffer your breakup alone and bitter—you’ll get a taste of how I’ve been the past few months.”

Fangs took a couple of steps out of the bathroom, and then down the hallway. But, he stopped when he heard a small, “yes,” from Sweet Pea. “I’m not trying to deceive you, Fangs. Yes, we’ll do this in two weeks and my feelings for you will still be the same.”

#Riverdale #Swangs #Sweet Pea #Fangs Fogarty #South Side Serpents

[p-artsypants]

Arcadia or Bust (14)

Guys, this is the chapter I’ve been waiting for. You have no idea how much research I did to get this right. Hope you enjoy!

This one is for @anxious-freak, who’s recovering from heart surgery. He’s a real bro and always encourages me to do my best. I hope this chapter doesn’t give you horrible flashbacks, because I just realized what I did to Jim.

Ao3 | FF.net

—

Things were getting better.

After his date with Claire, Jim had come back home to assure his mother that everything was fine.

Both her and James were in the living room, talking. James had a large ice pack on his head, and looked rather pitiful.

Barbara only smiled at him.

“I uh…” Jim began. “I’m sorry for being so rough, I guess...”

James held up a hand to stop him, “Jim, I don’t hold anything against you. I...haven’t had a fix since I came here, so I find myself extremely angry and irritable all the time...I never should have hit your mother. I’ve apologized to her...and now I’m apologizing to you.”

Jim tugged on his horn. This sounded too familiar, though he didn’t want to admit it. “I understand...” then he pointed a harsh finger at him. “Don’t let it happen again!”

“Oh, I won’t!” James agreed, with a little laugh, since he would be an idiot to even touch Barbara now.

From there, Jim and James reached a little understanding.

Jim was very slowly adapting to trying to live his old life with his new body.

The next day at school, he didn’t wear any sort of disguise, only a hood when he went outside.

Senior Uhl stared at him, blinked, and then continued on like nothing was wrong.

In gym, the students played a game to see how many people could sit on his back before he couldn’t push up on a push-up.

It took six people, including Toby, to keep him down.

“Lake!” Coach Lawrence bellowed across the gym.

“Yeah Coach?”

“You’re joining the football team! No ifs, ands, or buts about it!”

“But—“

“NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS, LAKE!”

“I don’t know how to play football!”

Steve threw an arm around his shoulders. “Oh don’t worry, Jimmy Boy! We’ll teach you all you have to know!”

“Looking forward to it...” he rolled his eyes.

“This week is an away game, but I expect you to be ready to play next Friday.” Then Coach rested his hands on his shoulders. “Please Lake, we haven’t won a single game the last two years, but we have eight left this season! If we win those eight, we can still go to state.”

“Alright, alright.” He rolled his eyes. “But you better work it out with Miss Janeth. She wants me to be in the drama this year too.”

“Oh we already talked it out. It’s a spring time production.”

“Unbelievable.” Jim muttered under his breath. “It’s like I’m not my own person anymore.”

“Welp, that’s what you get for being the savior of the Earth!” Coach praised, slapping him on the back.

Soon the bell ring, and the rest of the day went by in a flash.

Through no fault of his own, Jim didn’t get the opportunity to learn football until the end of the week. Between the other player’s in practice, and Trollhunter duties, Jim found himself turning to the one person left to teach him.

Though Arrrgh wasn’t exactly a teacher in the first place. “Take ball. Cradle ball. Love ball. Run with ball. Stop at yellow pole. Bury ball in the ground.”

Jim smiled at his friend. “Uh, thanks Arrrgh. That was…that was something.”

—

Friday morning, Jim returned back to his house in the early hours. He showered and dressed for the day, ran a load of laundry, and straightened up the house, as usual.

Why James couldn’t do any of this? No idea. Jim was just glad he never had to see where he had been living up until now.

Though, given that he claimed to be a millionaire at one point, he probably had a maid. But that wasn’t his business, and he didn’t actually care.

Jim made several lunches. Pasta Primavera for Toby, Claire, and Barbara, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for James. He also left five dollars on the counter for Merlin’s McDonald’s craving. That man was going to get fat if he didn’t slow down.

Finally, 8 o’clock rolled around and it was time for school. Toby and Claire waited patiently outside.

“Morning!” Claire chirped.

“Good morning, mi amor.” He swooped down and gave her a smooch on the cheek.

“Gross.”

“Aww, jealous Tobes? Wanna little smooch too?”

“Not from you, Jimbo. I got a gal waitin’ for me.”

“Suit yourself. Here,” he handed over the two bags. “Pasta Primavera, with fresh veggies!”

“Looks awesome Jim!” Claire praised. “But what about you?”

“Oh uh,” he wandered over to the recycling bin. “Let’s take a look.” He grabbed a paper bag and filled it with a variety of trash. A few tin cans, a sock with hole in the toe, and a black, plastic wrapped block that had been sitting on top of the lid. “Ready!”

“Awesome! Dude, I’m so glad you got that truck. Now I don’t have to ride my bike to school every day.”

“Aw cmon Tobes, bike riding is good for you!”

“Yeah, but considering all the running around we do daily, I think I’m pretty set. Did you know I lost 10 pounds over the summer while you guys were gone? I would have lost more, but I was gaining muscle, and muscle weighs more than fat.”

“I don’t doubt it.” Agreed Claire, amicably, “Swinging that hammer had to be a work out. Darci must be loving it.”

“Yeah, I gotta bulk up so I can carry her over the threshold, y’know?”

“Okay, that’s cute.”

They arrived at school, Jim making sure his hood was up before exiting the car. They made their way through the courtyard, several students waving in greeting, while others couldn’t help but stare.

Jim got it. He looked scary and he was different. But god, couldn’t they try to be a little more subtle? Surely everyone had seen him by now, right?

At any rate, Jim yawned as he took out his books for his first few hours, and then stuffed his lunch in his locker.

“You okay, Jimbo?” Toby asked.  

“Yeah, just kinda tired. I didn’t sleep last night.”

“Nightmares?”

“No, I literally never slept. Arrrgh and I were…kinda playing football.”

“Oh, so you’re good for next Friday?”

Jim laughed. “Not even remotely! There’s so many rules I don’t know. It was fun to just tackle each other. It was just wrestling, but there was a Football there.”

Toby snorted. “Well, everyone else is going to be tired too. Don’t think you’re the odd one out.”

“Haha, very funny.”

In homeroom, Senior Uhl took attendance, now used to Jim’s appearance. Once everyone had been accounted for, the students were free to roam for the half hour. Steve was immediately next to Jim.

“Okay, so what I’m thinking is that you come to the game tonight at St. Joe and watch. I’m sure coach will let you sit down with the team if you’re learning.”

“St. Joe? Isn’t that like three hours away?”

“Yeah, but it’s not that bad.”

Jim groaned slightly. “I don’t know if I want to drive that far.”

“Well, I’ll see if coach will let you ride on the bus. Especially if he wants you on the team.” He paused a minute and added, “Toby and Claire can come too. If they want.”

“I’ll see if I can swing it. What time should I be here for the bus?”

“I dunno. Ask Coach.” Steve shrugged, wandering off.

Toby turned around in his seat. “Gotta answer every call, huh?”

“Yep. Thankfully the whole Gunnar thing is over now, and I’m not trying to balance my life with the end of the world.” He noticed the student next to him clicking his pen as he worked on his homework, but tried to ignore it. “As long as no major disaster strikes, I’ll be fine.” He knocked on his desk.

The clicking continued.

“It’s just one season. This will give you another chance to test your strength! It’ll be awesomesauce! Just...mowing down the other team left and right!”

“It’ll actually be a better test of self control and—would you knock it off!?” He shouted at the poor boy next to him, a roar coming out.

The kid fell out of his seat in fear. “I’m sorry! I didn’t even know I was—please don’t hurt me!”

“Is there a problem, Mr. Lake?” Senior Uhl asked, arms crossed.

Jim felt awful. “No! Oh no no! I’m sorry!” He reached over and picked the kid up off the floor with ease. “I don’t know what got into me. I’m so sorry!”

“It’s okay...” the kid returned, warily. “I’ll just use a pencil instead.”

The rest of homeroom passed in silence for Jim, and in whispers with the rest of the class.

The next hour, Jim and Toby had History with Mr. Strickler. Though he was the principle now, Walt still had an affinity for History and for teaching. That, and it was hard to find a replacement for AP US History. And who better than someone who lived through it?

In class, Jim was doing fine. As long as he had something to focus on, he was able to act like a human being.

Then the clicking came back again.

Jim growled in his throat, catching Toby’s attention.

“Pst, Jimbo, wasn’t wrong buddy?”

“Nothing, it’s fine.” He glanced over to the kid who had been clicking in homeroom. He was using a pencil. But he glanced up and met Jim’s eyes, widening when he heard the clicking too.

“It wasn’t me...” the kid mouthed.

Jim nodded, and glanced around the room. Then he saw it. Shamus, a friend of Steve’s and local bully, was looking right at him, clicking his pen on purpose.

Jim snarled at him in response.

“Is there a problem, Mr. Lake?”

Jim swiveled back around, realizing in annoyance that he had fallen right into Shamus’ plot. “No sir, just...sensitive to that clicking noise.”

“Yes, it is quite unpleasant. Whoever is doing that, would you kindly stop? I’m sure everyone would focus better if you did.”

The clicking ceased, and Jim breathed a sigh in relief.

Until math class, which was shared with Shamus again. This time, Claire sat behind Jim.

About twenty minutes passed before Shamus started in again, the clicking penetrating right into Jim’s skull.

He only put up with it for a minute before he stood out of his chair and cried out, “oh come on!”

“Jim?” Miss Janeth asked, impatient. “Something bothering you about the lesson?”

Defeated, Jim just lied. “I’m sorry, I have a migraine, can I go to the nurse?”

“Sure Jim, take the pass.”

He took the placard and hurried out of the room.

Perhaps it was cowardly, but it was safer to just run.

Jim stayed away for the rest of the class period.

At lunch, Toby and Claire met up with him in the cafeteria, as he sat with his shoulders hunched.

“How’s your head?” Claire asked, delicately scratching his scalp.

“It’s fine. I was just getting annoyed by Shamus’ clicking his pen. I decided to leave instead of getting angry...or worse.”

“It wouldn’t take much from you to get him to lay off.” Suggested Toby. “Just stand over him and dare him to pick a fight with you.”

“I’m not threatening anyone. At least, not any humans.”

“It’s always better to take the high road with bullies.” Claire stated. “He’ll move on to someone else tomorrow.”

Jim groaned at that. “That’s what I’m afraid of. What’s a clicking pen compared to being shoved in a locker?”

“No offense Jim, but I’d pick the locker. That’s only hurting one person. You getting angry? HULK SMASH.”

Jim exhaled, his lips flapping like a horse. “Yeah yeah, I know.”

“You’re getting better at it.” Claire insisted. “Getting annoyed by a clicking pen is totally normal. Heck, I wanted to punch him too.”

He laughed at that. “Alright, I guess I’ll believe you.” Finally, he opened his lunch, as did the other two, and meal time commenced.

It was while he was in the middle of one of the tin cans that Steve made his presence known. “I heard Shamus was being a real butt snack today. You want me to put him in the ground?”

“Nah,” he crunched in the can. “I’ll take care of it if I need to. It’s really not that big of a deal.” He took out the black, plastic wrapped block next.

“You just say the word, and I’ll knock his block off!...what is that?”

Jim took a bite, revealing a white, powdery center. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know...and you’re eating it?”

“Yep. It tastes pretty good, whatever it is.” He finished it in another bite, and then moved on to the sock for desert. “Oh wait...ah! Muh mouf wen numb!”

“Your mouth’s numb?” Asked Claire.

He wiped his tongue with a napkin, trying to get rid of the sensation. “Yeah! It ‘eels like noeecaine.”

“Novocaine? It’s that bad?”

Eli, Who was sitting behind Jim, spoke up. “Hey, my mom packed some Cucumber Melon La Croix, if you want a sip.”

Jim snatched the can and downed the whole thing.

“Good thinking Eli!” Said Toby, “gross soda will probably taste good to Jim!”

Eli sighed, “that’s my favorite...”

Jim smacked his tongue, the sensation fading. “Man, that was weird. I still don’t know what that was. But I’m never eating it again!”

Soon, the bell rang and it was time for gym.

Dodgeball.

Every highschooler’s nightmare. Over inflated red rubber balls that left bruises for days, and that smacking sound with a metallic ‘ping!’ that haunted you for a lifetime.

And everyone wanted to be on Jim’s team. For obvious reasons.

“Lake!” Coach shouted, once warm-ups were over.

“Yeah, Coach?”

“On your knees,” he pointed to the ground.

Jim, throughly confused, did as he was asked, and knelt on the ground.

Coach Lawrence dug around in his pocket and then put something on Jim’s horns.

A questioning touch revealed them to be corks.

“I don’t want you popping any balls.” Coach offered as an explanation, with a firm slap to the butt. “Also, use your non-dominant hand, and don’t throw too hard.”

“Sure. Don’t have to tell me twice.”

“Alright, Steve and Shamus, you’re Captains. Flip a coin to see who picks first.”

Steve won, and picked Jim first.

Suddenly, Shamus was feeling sort of sheepish for the pen clicking.  

The teams were divided up equally, and Coach blew the whistle to start the game.

That’s when the shit hit the fan.

Jim’s heart started to race, more than what was normal after exercise, though he hadn’t run much yet, and he hadn’t even broken a sweat during warm-ups. It built, faster and faster, until he wondered if it was going to jump right out of his chest.

Am I having a heart attack? He thought.

It was like his consciousness was pulled back inside his head, like someone else was piloting his body. And yet he was acutely aware of everything. The world felt slow, and he felt fast. His face and chest felt warm, his hands cold and clammy. Light, fast, and ready to do anything. His limbs tingled, as he just itched to move.

Move. Move.

The ball was in his hand one moment, and gone the next.

—

To the outside world, it happened way too fast. The whistle blew, and Jim stood frozen in place. The game had begun, and everyone was dancing around, trying to dodge. But not Jim, he just stood there, his face full of confusion.

“Lake! Get your head in the game!” Called Steve.

Shamus took the opportunity to throw the ball, and it hit Jim squarely in the chest, hard enough to wind a normal kid, but it didn’t even phase Jim.

“Lake, you’re out!”

And just like that, he charged at the ball, grabbed it, and chucked it as hard as possible. It whistled through the air, and nailed Shamus in the face, a loud crack echoing across the gym, as he fell with a thud.

“Lake! What did I just say about throwing?!”

Jim whipped his head around, his eyes dilated to almost completely black. He snarled at the coach.

Some of the kids on the other team called back from where Shamus was on the floor. “He’s out cold, Coach! I think his nose is broken.”

Toby jogged over, not noticing his state, “Jim, you said the pen thing wasn’t a big deal…”

Jim snapped his eyes over Toby, his jaw tightening, and his muscles coiling like a snake ready to strike.

“Jim? What’s wrong?” Asked Claire, genuinely upset. “Yeah, c’mon man! What’s your deal?” Steve got up into his face, “this isn’t cool.”

Like that was going to snap him out of it. Fuming, Jim easily lifted Steve off the ground and threw him across the gym, where he luckily landed on a mat from the ropes.

Coach was not letting anyone else be injured though, as he cried out, “Run! Go!”

His shout prompted Jim to roar loudly, and tear through the gym, over to the doors outside, and rip them off their hinges.

“Jim…” Claire watched him go.

“You follow him, I’ll tell Mr. Strickler!” Suggested Toby, running towards the locker room.

—  

Jim didn’t know why everyone started shouting at him. He could barely understand what they were saying, they were all so slow. His eyes darted around the room. Everything seeming more…colorful, loud, and overwhelming. The shouting was irritating, and he wanted them to stop. His jaw felt tight, though he wanted to say so much.

Steve got in his face, saying something. This furthered his irritation, and he flung him away, like he weighed nothing. More shouting, more noise, and he just got angrier and angrier, until he roared and ran from the room.

Everything around him was so light. The door ripped off its hinges like cardboard. He ran outside, his skin sizzling in the sun, but it didn’t really hurt.

It just made his angrier.

He ran out into the street, racing passed cars that seemed to stand still.

What’s going on? He thought. Why is everything so slow? Is this a troll problem? What do I do? Why am I so angry? Why is everyone looking at me?

He ran into a car on accident, and in his anger, turned it on its side. It took no effort, and he did it again to another, then another. A running car had exhaust spilling out, and the smell was delicious. Without another thought, he bent down and huffed it.

What am I doing? This isn’t me. Am I dying? Everything hurts…

It was then that he realized there was nothing wrong with the world, but there might have been something wrong with him.

But he couldn’t stop it, and he didn’t want to either.

People were running in slow motion. Screaming and pointing at him. Their words were slow and unintelligible, but he had a guess what was being said.

They hate me. They’re scared of me. They think I’m a monster. Stop looking at me! Stop judging me!

He saw detective Scott on his radio, and knew it was about him.

I’m not a monster. I’m just me. What is going on? Is this a nightmare?

He looked down at his arms, seeing them dusty and sizzling. This should be a lot more painful. I must have passed out. This is a dream. I can do whatever I want!

What a dangerous thought for him to have.

—

Toby burst into the Principal’s office. “Mr. Strickler! Mr. Strickler!”

Startled, Walt nearly threw a handful of papers in the air. “Can I help you, Toby?” He asked, with a tinge of irritation.

“It’s Jim! He’s gone totally bonkers! He knocked Shamus unconscious with a dodgeball and threw Steve across the room!”

“What! Why?”

“I don’t know! It’s like he just snapped! We were playing dodgeball and he just…snapped!” There really was no other way to say it.

“Where is he now?”

“He ripped the door off and ran outside!”

“In the sun!?”

“Yes!”

“Call Blinky and Arrrgh, we’ve got to track him down!” He directed, grabbing his keys and pulling out his phone. He tapped away and then put it to his ear. “Barbara, it’s Jim. Toby said he’s out of control. He’s run out in sunlight, so we might need you…yes, of course. I’ll bring him to the hospital then. Okay, I’ll text you.”

“What’s wrong with him?” Toby cried, feeling sick.

“I don’t know…it…it almost sounds like Grave Sand. But, I don’t know where he would have gotten any. Did he look any different?”

“His pupils were huge! His eyes were almost black!”

“I don’t know what that could be. We need to catch him, and then I’ll find out. Let’s move!”

—

Claire was running as fast as she could, though it was getting harder and harder to keep the pace. It felt like an hour she had been tracking him down, but gauging the sun in the sky, it had been a bit longer than that. School was probably over by now, but she had yet to actually find him. She followed a trail of destruction. Upturned cars, ruptured roads, and fallen street lights. There was no one on the street, and with good reason. She could hear police sirens all over the city.

“Jim?!” She cried out for the nth time. “Jim! Where are you!?”

A roar echoed from up above, and she saw he was on the roof of a building, looking down at her with his darkened eyes. He looked awful. His clothes were in shreds, his hair a mess and slick with sweat, and his skin more gray than blue and cracking badly.

“Jim…” She reached out to him. “Come on down, please. Let’s talk.”

Oh, he was coming down alright, but not to talk. He leapt from the building and crashed into the road, cracking it on impact, then he snapped his eyes up meet hers and vaulted over to her, grabbing her around the waist. He swept her off her feet and she fell against him harshly.

“Ow! Jim! What’s wrong with you? Why won’t you say anything!?”

He just ran with her, still draped over his shoulder, towards the canal.

She clung to him so she wouldn’t flail all over the place with how fast he was running. But she did weasel her phone from her pocket. She dialed Toby.

He picked up immediately. “Claire! Where are you?! Did you find him?!”

“He found me! I think he’s taking me to Trollmarket.”

“He still raging?”

“Totally unresponsive. The town is a mess!”

“Yeah, I know! We’re on our way!”

With that, Jim jerked, and her phone fell out of her grasp. She had it with him, and startled thrashing, kicking and hitting his back. “Put me down right now! Jim!!”

He shook her, forcing her to calm down, as he leapt over the side of the bridge and down to the ravine. He came to a stop by the wall. He didn’t have a horngazel, and therefore, no way into to Trollmarket.

That didn’t stop him from trying to punch his way in.

Claire wriggled again, trying to get free, but he just held her tighter, crushing her waist. “Stop it! You’re hurting me!” She turned and looked at him from her awkward vantage point over his shoulder, and could see that his arm was red with blood.

His punches got slower and slower, and his grip on her began to relax. Finally, he let her go.

She landed on her feet, ready to interrogate him, but saw they weren’t out of the woods yet. His eyes were still dilated, but drooped heavily, like he was going to drop any second. He staggered around, reaching out for her, but not with any real direction. One hand came up and grasped at his chest, right over his heart. His breathing was harsh and grating.

“Take a breath breath.” She demanded, “calm down.”

He heaved, throwing up on the cement. There was some remnants of the white powder that had been in his lunch.

She couldn’t even catch him as he collapsed onto the cement.

“Jim…” She knelt at his side. She turned him onto his back, and examined him. His whole body was cold, and his pulse was erratic, faster than she’d ever felt a heartbeat.

“Claire! Claire are you there?!” Walt shouted from the edge of the canal.

“Yes, I’m here! Jim is too! He’s out cold!”

Walt and Toby ran to her, thankful to see that Jim had finally exhausted himself.

“We need to get him to the hospital. Barbara will know how to help him. Or she’ll be able to keep him sedated until we can find out what’s wrong.”

Together, they loaded him in his car and off they went.

Barbara was in the ER when they arrived, ready with a stretcher to take care of him. “Jim! My baby! What happened to him!?”

“We don’t have any clue,” Walter admitted shamefully. “I’m going to try to find out though. And perhaps Blinky will know.”

She felt his pulse as he was talking. “Oh my god, he’s having a heart attack! I need some electrodes on him, stat. Let’s move people!” She called to a nurse.

He was taken back to the ICU, and monitored. Barbara didn’t try to force anyone from the room, since she was worried enough herself. “He’s in ventricular tachycardia. 240 bpm. I need the defibrillator, we need to reset his heart back to a normal rhythm. 200 joules.”

Claire and Toby stood in the corner, holding each other, as the paddles were placed on his chest, and he jolted from the electric shock.

“Again,” Barbara commanded, after listening.

A total of ten shocks, and finally, it seemed that his heart rate had come down to a somewhat normal state.

“Intubate him and get him on 200 mg of labetalol.”

“Are you sure? That’s a lot…” Asked the nurse.

“Jim ate a blender once, he’s going to need a much higher dose.”

“200 mg of labetalol, coming up.”

As the nurse rushed out, Barbara cleaned his bloody hands. With scrutiny, she felt his fingers. “Doesn’t seem like he broke anything, but we’ll get an X-ray once he’s stable.” She spoke calmly, but there was a tremble in her voice.

“Is he going to be okay?”

Barbara jumped for a second. “Oh Claire, I forgot you guys were here. Um, yes, I think so. His heart rate is lowered and he’s breathing a little bit better now.”

“Do you think this is a troll thing? Or is this a human thing?” Asked Toby.

Barbara grimaced. “Well, I don’t want to say anything for sure…but it looks an awful lot like—“

She didn’t finish her thought however, as her phone started going off.

“Oh for the love of mud!” She exasperated, pulling the phone out and answering. “James! What is so important that you have to call every fifteen minutes!? Your son is in the ICU and I have more important things to do than feed you!” She paused, listening to his demands. “No, I don’t know anything a plastic wrapped block on the garbage can. Trash doesn’t go out on Fridays.”

Toby ran at Barbara, grabbed her phone and put it on speaker. “WHAT ABOUT THE BLACK PLASTIC BLOCK!?” He shouted.

“Ow! Jesus! None of your business kid! Why the hell are you asking?”

“Please sir, Jim’s my best friend and something’s really wrong with him! He ate that block for lunch and now—“

“Whoa whoa whoa what?! He ate it?”

“Yes! He thought it was trash!”

“Jesus Christ on a motorbike. You’re telling me…that Jim swallowed…a brick?”

“It wasn’t a brick. It was a white powdery stuff.”

“Not a building brick. A brick! 50,000 dollars worth of blow!?”  

“He did what?!” Barbara shrieked.

“That’s what it was! 1 kilo of pure, clean cut cocaine! And our 16 year old monster ate it!”

“Is…is that really bad?” Toby asked sheepishly.

“Uh yeah! A guy like me can sit down a do 4-5 lines in two hours, maybe 2-4 grams, depending on the line. A kilo? A thousand? That’s enough to kill an elephant!”

“You’re dead meat, Lake,” Barbara grit out. “I’m calling the police as soon as Jim is stable. So you’ve got a few hours to vanish. I loved you once, so think of this as an act of mercy.”

“Sorry Babs. Since all of my supply is gone now, thanks to Jim, there would be no evidence. I gotta hide out here for a little while longer. Jim will probably be fine, freak that he is. If not, good riddance.”

Barbara angrily hung up the phone.

Nurses had come in early in the conversation and got to work getting Jim hooked up. Now he was settled, intubated, and breathing normally. His EKG showed an only slightly elevated heart rate.

“If that man doesn’t get out of my house, I’m going to be the one needing labetalol.” She sighed.

“I mean,” One of the nurses spoke up. “We just heard him confess to having a kilogram of cocaine and leaving it somewhere a minor could ingest it. So we could testify.”

Barbara took a deep breath. “Thank you. I am seeing a lawyer to get this all sorted out. But for right now, I’m just worried about my son. With that new information, I think we’ll have to have his stomach pumped.”

“Barbara? He did throw up before he passed out. I think I saw a lot of the cocaine in the vomit.”

“Good, then he didn’t digest all of it. But just to be sure, order a stomach pump, x ray, and 50 mg of prophylaxis for his burns. The worst looks like the back of his neck and his arms.” She touched the scarred tissues, which was rock hard. “I’m not actually sure how to treat these kinds of burns. Blinky might be able to help with that.” She walked up to him, pushing his bangs away from his forehead, and kissed him gently. “My poor little boy. You just can’t catch a break, can you?”

#arcadia or bust #trollhunters #troll!jim #jim lake jr #claire #jim x claire #toby domzalski #fanfiction #trollhunters tales of arcadia

[nyxabird]

What I want from Pokemon Sword/Shield

What I hope for in Pokemon Sword/Shield. I thought about making this a video, and I might still, but it’s so long that I thought a list here would be better to start with at least.

I know a lot of people are doing videos like this, where they're saying "this is what I'd love to see or not see in Pokemon Sword/Shield", but I'd honestly like to throw my opinion out there, too. There's so much we're hoping from in these games, and some of the points I think of I haven't seen other people address at all. And of course, I just have my own things that would make the games more fun for me, so. In no real order, here's what I hope for in Pokemon Sword and Shield.

1. No Fire/Fighting Starter.

Don't make Scorbunny fighting. Don't make Scorbunny fighting. For the love of god, DON'T MAKE SCORBUNNY FIGHTING.

Look. I like most of the starters overall, and both Chimchar and Torchic are some I think are really good, personally. But unlike the other two, Fire has just gotten this habit of dropping into fighting as its sub-type, and quite frankly that's just boring at this point. Blaziken, Infernape, and Emboar, all one after another, were just too much. They did REALLY good subverting this with the Fire/Psychic starter of Delphox, and while I don't personally care for it, I like the fact that Incineroar was Fire/Dark, even though its theme could have so easily been dropped into fighting.

Make it anything else. Literally anything else. No one cares what its other type is, or if it'll even have another type, as long as it ISN'T. FIGHTING. The little bandage on its face is making us worried, but with Inceniroar you proved you could have a fighting-styled theme without actually being fighting type. Please, do that again.

I, too, will accept literally any type match but Fire/Fighting. Though if I could personally choose, I'd ask for Fairy or Dark again. It'd be nice to have a Fire/Dark I actually really like.

2. No shiny locking.

Nintendo has picked up this habit of making legendaries, especially the cover Pokemon, impossible to roll as shiny.  Basically, they're hard-coded so that when you encounter them, they cannot be shiny. That needs to stop. Just... yeah. Don't do that. Stop doing that. That's really all there is to it. It's a bad thing you're doing and you need to quit. It's literally MORE work to do for no reason. Just stop it.

3. Keep easier ways to find shinies.

Easy is a bit of a misnomer, because there's no way to easily get a shiny, no matter what anyone says. But there are ways to make it easIER, and I think that needs to be kept. Whether it's chain-catching like in Pokemon Let's Go or something else, give us a way that's actually possible to do to get shinies. Do not bring back that stupid "pick the right shaking grass when all of them are two pixels different" minigame. That's a BAD WAY to do it. Give us a way, and give us a way that actually can work, not make us lose our progress because we don't have eyes like eagles.

4. No motion controls.

Now, I don't think Pokemon Let's Go had a bad catching mechanic... IF the game was in handheld mode. The idea of being able to catch Pokemon without wearing down my team was actually really good, and it was something I liked a lot. I did miss being able to battle wild Pokemon and make them easier to catch, but if the Let's Go catching mechanic comes back I won't mind...

IF it works like it does in handheld mode. Docked mode was AWFUL. There's no ifs, ands, or buts, it was just badly. Programmed. No one liked it. No one enjoyed it. It was never consistent and often times was completely opposite to whatever you wanted to do.

5. Pokemon that follow you.

Like in the Johto remakes or Pokemon Let's Go, let your Pokemon follow you. We know you can do it. You actually DID do it in the Alola games, because there's data of every single Pokemon model with walk and run cycles on the cartritage that you just never actually let us access, so don't try to claim this isn't something you can't do. On top of that, the Switch is way bigger than the 3DS' carts. You have room. You have the skill. Give it to us.

6. New Eeveelutions.

Please, please, PLEASE. Give us new 'eons. It's been way too long without getting new Eevee forms, and you have so many types you can still make it from. Give us SOMETHING. ANYTHING. You're creative, you can come up with various ways to do stuff. What about a Steel-type that evolves when you level it up holding a Metal Coat? Or a Fighting-type that evolves if you get it to a certain level? Just give us SOMETHING.

Me, personally, I'd love to see a Dragon-type, Poison-type, or Ground-type Eeveelution, because I'm always short on those types and I think they'd be awesome.

7. Bring back Mega Evolutions and Z-Moves.

They're cool, they're fun, and they make things more interesting. I've heard people complain about how it ruins competitive battling because it's unpredictable, to which I say "Why is your competitive battling completely predictable? That sounds boring and not actually competitive if you can plug in a formula and have it work." Some people say that it makes the game too easy, to which I say "Then stop using them." It's the same as people complaining there's difficulty levels in games; you think the easy mode is too easy for you, then just don't play on the easy mode. If you think Z-Moves or Mega Evolution make the game too easy for you, then just don't use them. No one's forcing you to, and taking away something other people enjoy because you have no self-control over not using them is just really rude. I mean, no one says the magic system in Dark Souls makes the game too easy, so that needs to be removed!

...actually, there probably are people who say that, depressingly enough.

Anyway. For me, I love that I can make my Pokemon feel super powerful for a moment, or just use Z-Move to skip over a specific trainer or specific Pokemon that I just don't want to deal with. It gives you options on how to handle your own game and lets you balance your own difficulty for it, which is what all the best games do. And let's not forget the core, most basic reason: they're just FUN.

8. Skippable cutscenes.

It's 2019. How do you not have this yet? Some people want to replay the game. Some people don't care about the story. Some people just want to get to a certain part. It doesn't matter. What matters is that every single cutscene in your game that doesn't require a vital decision -- and don't try to be dishonest, nothing but the opening cutscene has any actual decisions, they're all fake ones to make you feel like you're actually having an effect -- should be skippable. Straight out, out of the box. No ifs, ands, or buts.

9. No forced tutorial.

I've played Pokemon since Red and Blue. I know how Pokemon works. I know how to catch Pokemon. You're trying to teach a fish to swim.

I'm not against these tutorials. There are plenty of new people getting into Pokemon games every release, and they need it. No one doubts that. But there is absolutely no reason that these tutorials are MANDATORY. If the new people skip the tutorials, that's their own fault, not yours, and they can't complain about the bed they made for themselves. So please, for the love of god, don't torture the rest of us because some idiot might skip the tutorial and then get mad.

10. The Regional Pokedex is what matters.

Sun and Moon did this fantastically. Basically, this means that for things that require you to complete the Pokedex, like the Shiny Charm? Only the Pokemon that can be caught in the actual region count. You can still catch and register Pokemon that aren't in your Regional Pokedex, but you aren't required to in order to "complete" the Pokedex. That was something that was amazing in Sun/Moon and made the game NOT a painful, daunting slog to actually get things like the Shiny Charm in. Please do that again.

11. No HMs.

I sincerely doubt this'll be a problem, since none of the latest generation games had HMs, but this is still something that bears repeating. HMs are not fun. No one likes HMs. They're just irritating, pointless moves that get in your way and force you to either devote a slot or two in your party to a Pokemon you don't care for or trash the combat ability of the Pokemon you actually have. Whether it's Ride Pokemon or Secret Techniques or whatever... make it happen.

I, and I'm sure many other people, literally do not care if you just put a piece of plastic tape over a plot hole. If it means that we don't have to use HMs, every single one of us will ignore the giant gaping hole in space with nary a single comment.

12. Wild Pokemon that walk in the overworld.

This was, to me, the absolute best part of Pokemon Let's Go. Being able to see the Pokemon in the overworld not only makes it feel far more alive, but it makes actually hunting around a lot more enjoyable, too. This mechanic made caves FUN AGAIN. I literally HAD FUN in Mt. Moon and Rock Tunnel because of this. Those weren't fun when they were first released and every other cave after that has never been fun unless you packed hundreds of repels. Now? Caves are enjoyable because you can fight or dodge however you want, because you can SEE where things are.

13. Human Rivals.

Now I know this is a very controversial opinion, and if you don’t like that’s perfectly fine, but don’t try to insult me over it.

I hate rivals with nasty personalities that treat you like shit.

I want a rival that is actually tolerable and acts like a real person, not some entitled whiny manbaby bitch who's high on his own ego.

I will never understand how people seriously enjoyed people like Blue, who were just complete insufferable pricks. They often made me roll my eyes and ruined the experience because they were just so unrepentantly rude and assholeish, no matter what you did, and they never changed. Some people "love to hate" insufferable, intolerable assholes, I guess, and love to beat them down over and over. And if you do? Awesome! I’m glad to hear it.

But for me, they just detract from a game because they constantly have to go "Oh hey, you're that useless shitwad no one likes, hahaha let me treat you like piss on my shoe". Beating them gives you satisfaction, sure, but no matter what you do or how you win, all your interactions with them are negative. That satisfaction comes from "Hah hah, I beat up the dude who's rude to me", and that's just... to me, that doesn't stay satisfying. Eventually I just start getting angry that this shitheel won’t go away and leave me alone, because them being around isn’t fun anymore.

I don't necessarily want the rival to be your best friend or the nicest person in the world. I really liked people like Silver and Gladion, but that was because while they were assholes at the start, you saw them grow and change and become better and happier people as the game went on. Was Silver ever super chummy with you? Pft, hell no! Not even close! But that was okay, because you still saw him change into a dude who was actually tolerable and not stay as the prick with his head so far up his ass he was tasting breakfast. And that was awesome!

My favorite rivals, honestly? Are ones like Hau, who were your rivals but also your friends, so your interactions with them were positive and fun. My mood always skyrocketing whenever I talked to Hau because he was just so friendly and cute, and that’s what I found far, far more satisfying than some prick who’d come around to call me a worthless shithead.

Pokemon Rivals aren't like the big bad in games like Final Fantasy. You're stuck with them, you can't get away from them, and you're not solving some big super evil by getting rid of them and making yourself feel satisfied. You’re just having this asshole who’s being rude to you for literally no reason stalk you and refuse to let you get away.

That’s insanely creepy and nasty. You're just being BULLIED with rivals like that, and I genuinely cannot understand why people seem to love being bullied in their own game by an insufferable prick who's so drunk on their own ego they think they're Arceus' gift to the world. The satisfaction of beating them feels outweighed by the negative feelings you have of them constantly berating and putting you down.

Maybe it's just because I'm from a home life where I was constantly bullied and ridiculed by all of my cousins, but I just can't find that sort of thing enjoyable. It's part of why I don't replay the Kanto games anywhere near as much as I replay the other ones, despite Kanto being my home region. (I honestly thought PLG was better than the original because Blue wasn’t there to be an insufferable, entitled manbaby egotist)

If it were up to me, honestly, I'd let you pick your rival like you could pick your gender. One rival's the Hau-type, one rival's the Blue-type, and the one you don't pick doesn't show up in game. That way, everyone could have what they want. Barring that, I really, really don't want to see another rival that's completely inhuman because all they are is an entitled prick there to bully you. I don't care if it's like Silver or Gladion, where they're rude at first but become genuinely likeable later, or if it's like Hau where they're always nice. Just... give me an actual rival, not some guy's fragile and inflated ego wrapped in a human suit.

I genuinely have no idea how so many people think having a person who doesn’t treat you like you’re a piece of shit unworthy of life is so bad it can be considered a plague and something that needs rectifying.

14. Side games! But make them optional.

Give us more side stuff to do! Pokemon Contests, Pokeathelon, the Festival Plaza... The Battle Tower. These were all fun things to do. When they were OPTIONAL. I think we need stuff like the casino and Voltorb Flip, or an area like the Festival Plaza we can design, because those are actually fun things to do. But I also think they need to be completely skippable for people who don't want them. Forcing people into doing side-games is a sure-fire way to get that side-game hated, but making it available gives us so much more we can do. It'd sure make the post game more fun.

15. Character Customization.

Hair, eyes, skin. These should all be default customization options, either able to change very early on or able to pick at the start. Alola was pretty good at this. Do it again.

16. CLOTHES.

Clothes, clothes, clothes. For the love of god, give us clothes again. Not your shitty Pokemon Let's Go no-effort recolors your artist did while on his way home from work. Not the "two shirt models, two skirt models, and a pants model with recolors" thing you did Alola. Actual clothing. Dresses, different skirts, different pants. What about that big black coat-dress I got from Kalos? Or the boots? The hose? We know you can make these designs. Actually make them.

17. Pokeball Conversion.

Let us put caught Pokemon in a Pokeball different from what we caught in it. If we want to put our starter in a Luxury Ball, just let us spend one Luxury Ball and bam, do it! Overwrite the ball it's in now. It shouldn't really be that hard since you can outright edit IVs.

18. Secret Bases or the Underground!

Give us Secret Bases back! They were amazing and fun, and being able to make your own base -- especially a base your friend could download so they could fight you on your own time! Being able to buy and decorate, or place it randomly, was also amazing. Failing Secret Bases, give us back the Underground from Sinnoh where we could dig and find items and... well, yeah, make a base down there too.

Just give us some way to make our mark on the game world. Even better if we can set a fly-point there and put our own heal station in. That way, if there's a place we want to grind, well. We can just grind there, or if we needed a break because our Pokemon were getting battered. You don't have the make the furniture easy to get, but give us some way to make our own little spot we can get cozy in, rather than the house we'll never revisit because there's no reason to ever go back there.

19. A final area where the game doesn't cheat.

I breed Pokemon competitively. I breed until a Pokemon has the extact right IVs, the exact right nature, the exact right ability. I breed Egg Moves and everything else that would cover their types. And still, things like the Battle Tree are just an unfun, messy slogy for me. The main issue I have with it is that so many times, it seems like the game outright cheats. I can't tell you how many different teams I went in, only to find that a trainer early on had hard counters for every single member of my team. Once is circumstance, twice is happenstance, but three times is a pattern... and I had no less than ten. Different Pokemon, different team comps, different days, and still, I very regularly got hard-countered.

I don't care that these options are hard. By all means, keep them hard! They're meant to be. But stop cheating and making the AI pick out a hard-counter team to yours just because you're "doing too well". I've seen it in so many post-game Pokemons, and it really needs to stop.

#pokemon sword and shield #what I want from pokemon sword and shield #rivals #I don't care if you like the egotistical rude rivals #more power to you if you do #but I do not and will not like them no matter what #and I will never accept they're better #because characters like that just RUIN my experience #so you can keep your asshole rivals #hau best rival #forever and ever

[gwinnetts-archive]

Asphodel Almond Balm (for either Elle or Zetta...or both!)

plant/flower symbolism (pt. 1) ;; accepting | @meadowlarksingingoverhead

asphodel : does your muse have regrets that they wish they can fix, but never can?

>  zetta

zetta isn’t prone to guilt at all, not on the same scale as elle, who will apologize for being stabbed to the person who stabbed her. where elle faces a lot of feelings of helplessness, zetta likes to feel like she has control at most times — of herself, even if nothing else. she’s very confident, and tends to think everything through before she makes a big move on anything. i mean, hell — she puts off making a decision on what faction she goes to endgame with until the last possible moment. (a large part of that is due to her trying to have it all, but... still)

assuming a non-divergent ending, though, zetta’s biggest and most lasting regret is what happened with shaun. it’s not something she’ll ever recover from, even as she moves her life forward

>  elle

man, you had to ask, didn’t you

elle is very much prone to regrets — self-blame is her favorite coping mechanism for when she feels helpless, which really doesn’t help her self-worth problems. i’d say the biggest and most impactful regrets for her, though, come down to the deaths of benny, elijah, and house

she didn’t approach benny with the intention of killing him. she spent the entire time following his trail from goodsprings to vegas wanting answers, and telling herself — and everyone else — that she wanted answers. when she finally came face-to-face with him, though, and got those answers, and learned that he had every intention of killing mr. house (and i need to write up a new post about her fast and hard attachment to him soon) — that he would take away mr. house, the same way he took away her memories — something in her snaps, and she freaks out, and it’s very much an impulsive move. it was her first taste of revenge, pre-emptive and otherwise, and she learned that she really, really doesn’t like it

especially after she figures out yes man incorporates his plans into house’s — she never wanted to be like him, do anything like him, but... she feels like it’s because of him that she’s able to win the second battle (especially factoring in how he had yes man created, and without him, it definitely never would’ve happened). as her character arc develops, she comes to really wonder what benny was like as a person, and wonder about all the million what ifs and acknowledge that there’s a part of her that can kill on impulse like that

elijah............ god, elijah. elle tried so damn hard to save him, to be able to bring him home to veronica. but ultimately, he... wouldn’t stop. he would never stop. and elle was afraid that if she locked him in the vault... well. there are a lot of resources in there, including a vending machine, which is one of the things elijah wanted to get his hands on. if he was left alone in there... with how smart he was, she had no doubt he’d be able to find a way to get out. and the vending machine would keep him alive the same way it was meant to keep vera alive. (and, she told herself, at least this way, he had one last chance to fight for what he believed in. she was still so very idealistic at this point in time...)

but elijah’s death goes hand-in-hand with house’s, given how close to each other it happened, and given how elijah influenced house’s fate. when elle came home and talked to house again, she suddenly saw the parallels between him and elijah (and veronica will comment on it in a house ending, too), and it... it made her so very afraid. she didn’t go out of her way to kill him, like with benny — she just wanted to see him, to talk to him face-to-face, in a desperate hope that it’d make the difference to get him to listen to her. of course, there was only one way for this to go. within the span of a couple of weeks, max, elle kills her best friend’s mentor, and then her own

she literally never gets over it. not even a little bit. not even as she acknowledges that she does think the mojave should be independent, and house’s death was necessary. even as she starts to recover from the trauma she underwent at the sierra madre and acknowledges elijah’s sins. she just... doesn’t ever begin to move on. she can never forgive herself — for failing her friend (and as a result, creating a divide between them out of her guilt), and for ‘betraying’ house, who told her she was important, gave her a home, opened his doors to her when he never did for anyone else, made her his own. no amount of “it was an accident” or “it was for the best” will ever make her feel better about it, or change her perspective

almond : how seriously does your muse take their promises? how inclined are they to make them?

>  zetta & elle

both of them take their promises seriously — but where zetta accordingly rarely makes them unless she’s absolutely confident in her ability to fulfill it, elle will make an extremely heartfelt promise even for unthinkable tasks. she’ll sure as fuck try to make them happen, but...

basically... elle is the kind of person who will make shonen hero promises, but in the setting of fallout of all things, which means that works out about as often and well as you’d expect

balm : how easily does your muse socialize with others? how good are they at their social interactions?

>  zetta & elle

both of them are very social, but for different reasons and with different results

one of their reasons is the same: they’re both very outward-oriented people, but that’s about the only similarity. elle loves being around people, even strangers, and if she’s left on her own for too long, it’s not great for her mental health. she needs other people to balance her out, to keep her from falling too far into her head and her doubts and fears. being around other people energizes her, no matter who they are, even though she is, of course, at her happiest when surrounded by her found family and other dear friends

she’s also very good at socializing, even with how awkward and nervous she can get. she wears her heart on her sleeve, even when she’s trying not to, and while she’s not always easy to read, it’s easy to see when she’s being her most genuine. and how much she cares about other people is so very obvious, no matter what she does. on top of that, she’s very easy-going and adapts to other personalities really well — she’s just really in her element when she’s being social. elle is social because she wants to be, and because she craves it

zetta... i’d say she socializes easily enough, because she doesn’t struggle with it. she’s very good at expressing herself, and the presence of other people don’t bother her. but her version of expressing herself is kind of, uhhh... abrasive. let’s go with abrasive. she won’t hesitate to tell someone exactly what she thinks of them, because like hell she cares what they think or if she hurts their feelings — the only time she cares about other people’s feelings is when they’re in her inner circle, one of Her People. ... or when their feelings could affect her goals, but even then, that doesn’t always stop her

with people who think similarly to her, who get her sense of sarcasm, who can keep up, who fall into her push-pull conversation dance — she tends to interact with them easier than others

#meadowlarksingingoverhead #asks : ooc ;; the answers are buried in me #muse : elle days ;; she didn’t choose this role but she’ll play it and make it sincere #muse : zetta reynolds ;; don’t have a lot left; just anger and something to prove #;; long post #// okay yeah this got out of hand #// i really should have expected this #// the cut is there bc shit is LONG

[ocean-butch]

How is cas different from ur other girlfriends

akcjwjxia i had to wait like SIX HOURS to answer this bc of a goddamn test i had bUT OH BOY ANON AM I GONNA LOVE DOING IT alfjadjsk i just love talking about my gf i love her so much i wanna gush about her 25/8

the short answer would be basically in every way bUt imma do it part by part.

okay so, in a simplified version i’ve had relationships with people whose personalities worked well with me but who were shitty girlfriends or a good girlfriend who just didnt really fit with my personality. i’ve actually given that so much thought even before i met cass, but the point is that i met her and she was just perfect for me in both ways (technically its more complicated bc theres a bunch of logic into this that im not explaining bc my mind is weird and it would be Way too long but anyways). but ok let get into How she fits me perfectly.

first of all literally no one ever in my entire life has made me laugh as easily and genuinely as she does. im not even exaggerating, like laughing was never really A Thing for me to look for in girls bc it just never happened???? like i had fun conversations and stuff but there was never anyone that made me go “holy shit i have never laughed this much with anyone else” and we have So many inside jokes, which is a thing that i almost never have????? and i always used to wish i did bc everyone would talk about it and i’d feel like i just wasnt funny and That was the problem. and also this is really important bc its one of the things that made me realize that i liked (and eventually, came to love) her. bUT its not the only one so theres also like all these things that we like and we can talk about for HOURS like i remember when i watched infinity war and the first thing i did when i got home was call her and we talked about it for like 2 hours idek but it was great. the point is, we have a bunch of shared interests (which isnt like 100% necessary but its still really nice), wHICH LEADS ME TO: her music taste is amazing and i love that so much bc i love music With My Entire Soul and its the best thing in the fucking world (after cass & my friends and tied with the ocean) but yeah thats great too. AND i think more importantly than the last 2 things is that she is literally so fucking easy to talk to. like ever since the beginning we didnt really have that awkward phase where we run out of things to talk about and the conversation keeps dying like we never had that it just flowed so well and that was such a good feeling. another thing is also how comfortable i feel talking to her.

like i have never felt this way with any of my girlfriends bc i was always scared that i was gonna be annoying or say something Wrong and they’d start to realize i sucked and then break up with me, but shes just so kind and idk she just has this way about her that makes me feel at home and its always been there like i dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that but i swear to god the day after i met her i already felt like i could tell her anything and that was such a comforting thing and i needed that so badly at the time. i dont feel like i was able to describe this aspect very well tbh like im not doing it justice. like, she makes me feel like im not annoying at all, and like i could just randomly start ranting about anything and she would be like super invested in it, and just literally so comfortable in every sense of the word. she is my home, no ifs ands or buts, i just feel it every single time that we talk or that i simply think about her, and i have never felt this so clearly with anyone. and i think this comfort i feel with her is kinda connected with how she has always made me felt so appreciated, in a way that no one has ever done. like, i had like 2 tags about my wants and needs in a relationship, there was “my dream girl” to remind me that i shouldnt settle for anyone after i got out of a rlly bad relationship, and there was “things i wish someone would tell me” after my “first” relationship (i dont really count it bc Officially™ we only dated for a week) because my gf at the time would almost never be affectionate with me and it made me really insecure so i started that tag as a way to vent kinda. anyways my point is that i made those tags bc i would always feel super anxious in my relationships bc i never really felt loved or even wanted (aka the good personalities awful gfs relationships) i just felt like a burden and it was such a big thing for me.

okay now i’ll say that there Kinda was an exception to this before cass, because it would be unfair to say that that relationship was detrimental to my mental health, but it was still different. like, that ex did make me feel wanted most times, but not only did i still have A Lot of insecurities about the whole thing bc of some things she would say and do or not say and not do and i’d get like super uncomfortable or just sad really but also bc whenever the conversation would start to die out i was Absolutely Certain that she was gonna break up with me. it was pretty bad im not even joking. and like ofc my anxiety isnt her fault OR responsibility and like sure i still get anxious about cass sometimes but its not like that its basically just when she doesnt answer for a long time i think that something bad might have happened but even when my rude ass brain does try to tell me that she doesnt love me i KNOW that its not true, and that is a kind of peace that i have never ever had before. but anyways, so that was the good gf whose personality didnt fit mine and its weird now bc that is so obvious but i really didnt wanna believe it at the time even though i knew it wasnt gonna work out, but now its just really weird ngl (but i wont get into the why).

and now cass. wow okay let me tell you about cass. she is perfection. she is literally everything i have ever wanted AND things i didnt even know i wanted. she is everything no one else ever was and i just remembered that when we started dating in may i said that exact same sentence to abby. its just so true, she really is everything that no one else could be. because theyre not her. i’ve said this a lot of times but i really dont see how i could ever love anyone else after loving her, it just doesnt make sense to me because she really is like,, as good as it gets. there is no one better than her for me. we’re literally meant to be i s2g like when we broke up for a while i would tell everyone i wasnt really trying to move on at all bc i just hoped she would come back to me and i couldnt miss that chance. i knew she was my soulmate, although at some points i lost almost all hope (but never all) and i started thinking that maybe she was the love of my life but i wasnt the love of hers. and thats bc she really is everything ive ever dreamed of like she has all these little things that she does or say that sometimes wouldnt even mean anything to other people but to me they are So important bc theyre things ive dreamed about while my ex girlfriends ignored me akcjsjxn like, i was talking about how comfortable she feels to me and a big part of that comes from little things like the fact that even when we were just friends she would spam me when i was gone for a long time and that not only made me feel missed and appreciated but also it meant i could do that to her and it wouldnt be annoying bc she felt the same!! like, she missed me too! and me knowing that she actually Wanted to talk to me and the fact that she actually showed me she cared was super great when we started dating bc it made me feel like if i was feeling sad or insecure, i could literally just ask her to be a little more affectionate and it wouldnt feel fake bc i actually knew she cared. and you have No idea how much that meant to me bc i literally didnt know it was possible for me to feel that way. like honestly i thought it was an innate aspect of who i am that like if i asked for affection it would be meaningless? bc i’d be lowkey forcing the person to say something? but with her it felt different bc we had enough intimacy for me to feel comfortable enough to do that.

HOWEVER i never actually Had to do that bc i got insecure exactly once (1) on the first night we started dating back in may bc i didnt know how much she liked me and i was like in love with her so i thought she would think i was too much and then i told her i was sad and that i was gonna sleep and the next day when i woke up she said something along the lines of “how are you babe bc i remember you said you were sad last night and i couldnt stop thinking about it bc i want you to feel good all the time” and thats something so small but wow it just meant so much to me bc i would cry and beg any fucking force in the universe to make my last ex do Anything At All to try to make me Not Sad and it would be awful and i would feel so so unloved and then cass just said that and something clicked in me and i never doubted her feelings to an actual Meaningful extent while we’ve been together anymore (like ofc i get insecure sometimes and especially when we broke up, but while we have been dating ive never gotten like actually Sad™ specifically bc i wasnt sure she liked me) but it gets even better because some of the things she does are so so special that i never even imagined them like shes literally unreal, i literally never thought someone like her existed and its just so wild to me that i get to be with her.

and i know im saying a bunch of cliches but i mean it all so much like i remember when i was dating one of my exes i was learning her first language but she didnt try to learn mine and i really wished she would bc i just always loved the idea that someone would do that for me?? (and she was like the good gf so yknow,, just how that relationship literally did Not even compare to cass) and guess what yes cass is learning portuguese and its the cutest thing ever btw bUt the point is she does all the little things ive ever wanted in a partner (i literally have a post with a list of things i appreciate in a partner and she does all of them!! well, the ones that arent like irl or smth) also i literally have a draft in this blog that is a list of cute things cass has done/said that means a lot to me personally but i didnt post it yet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and like theres just so so many things that i havent talked about, like how im not even sure if i was ever in love with anyone of them anymore because what i feel for cass is just so different and so much more, or like how cass actually makes me want to try to get better, which ive never actually wanted before bc it always seemed to scary, like she literally makes me wanna be not only alive but also happy bc she makes me feel like i deserve it. she has been such a good influence on me and my mental health and thats so important and its the first time someone has been this good for me.

but anyways the point is that cass is right for me in every single way like she really is my other half she literally just is everything that she is and thats how shes different from my ex girlfriends.

#according to my girlfriend i spent over 2 hours writing this #AltHouGh #she DID distract me a few times bc she was being cute #and i love her #wow i love her #i know anon is definitely not gonna read this but my girl will alhajska #mine #answered #anon #luna

[galleywinter]

If you don't mind another question (parent asker here)? Maybe this is way too out there but I just really enjoy what ifs and that's why I like your story because I refuse to accept our king died... But ok please don't be mad. If Varian and Cam didn't end up together romantically, is there anyone else they would pick for the other? Like is there some noble lady Camdyn could have lived with as queen? And what about Anduin? Sorry I just love imagining what they see in each other & what they lack.

Also I ran out of room but what I meant was is there something Varian thinks he can’t give Cam but thinks someone else would be better for and vice versa? And is there someone Anduin would have preferred as a mom? Like Lady Prestor? Jkjk!

Alright, Nonny - first things first: I’m not going to get mad because you have questions! Not even what if’s. I love and appreciate that you’re interested enough to ask them, and they’re making me think! I know I keep saying it, but it’s true: I’m unspeakably grateful for that.

though you’re treading awfully close with that whole lady prestor thing because srsly nonny wtf :-P

Second things second: I don’t know if I can actually answer this question, if I’m being fully and completely honest.

The problem for me with this question is that the canon characters are so thin on the ground for people outside the main NPCs, that I’d have to invent a character to stick with either of them “instead”. And I’m not a big fan of contrived love triangles and won’t be putting one in A Prayer. I think they’re cheap drama for the most part (not to rag on you if that’s your fic bag - I do honestly see why so many people enjoy them; I just don’t care for them personally) and I have no interest in exploring that.

I think, had I not gone this route, Camdyn would have been fine with anyone else as queen, or at least would have become fine. It’s not like she would have had much choice or much say - before A Prayer (and even still at this point because dear god i am as slow as george rr martin i am so sorry), he was just a crush. A massive one, yes, but a crush. There was no romantic relationship to speak of. She had no claim to him at all.

But if I try to poke and pull and prod, I can say that I think Cam has probably wondered why Varian isn’t betrothed to Jaina. And if she ever says something, I think he honestly literally laughs until he cries. They’re practically siblings.

I can, though, address the main thrust of the question: do they ever feel like they have things they can’t give their partner that their partner deserves to have. I think the answer to that is yes. I think everyone feels that way at some time or other, to be honest. I think everyone has those sorts of doubts. I think how you work through them is what matters.

I think Camdyn very much feels, for the first few years at least, that she’s fully out of her depth and he deserves someone from his world. Someone who can follow the politics properly, someone who he doesn’t have to teach court etiquette to. Someone who understands the nuances that such a position brings. Someone who doesn’t have to argue with him when her duty to the Light comes up against her duty to the crown, or when the ingrained habits of duty to his personal safety come up against his objections about her own.

I think Varian feels sometimes that she’s owed a partner who doesn’t have the traumatic past he’s had. He’s sometimes afraid that she thinks he sees Tiffin when he looks at her (she doesn’t, but it’s not something he discusses with her, either, so it isn’t an entirely unfounded fear).  I think, especially at first, he sometimes feels she deserves someone who is fully devoted to her; he fears his duty to his people makes her feel lesser - his kingdom comes first, before everything. Before her, before even Anduin.

I…have a real problem with Anduin as a player (and as a mother). I don’t think they’ve written him well, and I’m having to try really hard to balance canon Anduin with a spin on him that I feel like is more sympathetic. With that in mind, I very much think Anduin just wants his father happy. I don’t think he’d begrudge him falling in love, especially not this many years after Tiffin’s death when Varian has still been so clearly devoted to her. I think, so long as the woman was a good person and loved his father, he’d be happy for him.

I don’t, however, feel that he’d necessarily see Varian’s wife as a mother. He’s seventeen when Legion launches. Will they have a warm, loving relationship? Yes. Will she be a grandmother to his children? Absolutely. But his mother? I don’t know that I necessarily see that.

You’re lucky you specified, though, Nonny, that you were asking about what Anduin’s opinions were on Varian’s partner; for a second I thought you were asking what I intended to do for Anduin, and that’s a whole nother story. :-P

#Anon of the Greyface #Galley answers stuff #Varian Wrynn #Camdyn Morris