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#— zep writes !
zeplerfer · 6 months
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Summary: For their daughter’s first Halloween, America and England enjoy both the sweet and the scary traditions of Halloween.
Rating: M for about four paragraphs of smut (UKUS).
This is a Halloween omake for Apparent Lies, but should mostly make sense on its own. In the prior story, America gave some land to a micronation (the Dominion of British West Florida), so that he and England could have a child together.
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antimatterz · 11 months
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kiss kiss fall in love
dan heng, jing yuan, gepard, sampo, blade x gn!reader
how the honkai star rail boys would react to you peppering their face with kisses in a surprise attack <3 yes, pure fluff! also i think my dan heng favorism shows here?
content under the cut | masterlist
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it was only you and him. no one else was around, and you were comfortably perched atop his lap as he was doing his own thing. it was a rather cozy setting, and you were slightly dozing off against his shoulder. you were content like that for quite a while, until your energy slowly replenished. now you wanted attention, and you already knew how you were going to achieve it.
"hey," you called out, lightly tapping his shoulder.
"hm?" he hummed, looking up from whatever he was doing. you leaned back on his lap, cupping his cheeks with your hands.
and then you attacked.
you began your sweet assault with a little butterfly kiss on his nose, then moved to his forehead and on to his cheek. they lingered for less than second before you moved on to the next spot, and soon you were placing the softest and tiniest kisses all over his face. not a patch of skin was safe from your loving gesture, and you weren't planning to cease your attack anytime soon.
dan heng
your sudden action had him drop his book, and it fell to the hardwood floor with a thud that was barely audible over the sound of your countless little kisses.
hah, though you caught him off guard, he wasn't really surprised by your sudden attack, since this was one of your regular antics (and he loves them very much).
his hands flew to your waist to hold you securely, to keep you from toppling over in your enthusiasm (and he just likes to hold you).
he let you do your thing and he had no intentions to stop you. if any, kissing him like that elicited a very rare chuckle from him and the sound made you pull back in surprise.
you found him looking at you with a small smile, one that made your heart flutter because it was so adorable.
in conclusion; he might not show it lavishly but he loves it when you pull those little stunts. surprise attack was a big succes!
jing yuan
the general of the cloud knights stiffened a little when you open fire, taken aback by the kisses that were suddenly being peppered all over his face. but he quickly recollected himself, a laugh bubbling up from his throat.
it was that chuckle that spurred you to go on, your hands leaving his cheeks to play with his luscious hair. you left no spot unkissed, a giggle escaping your lips.
he found it absolutely endearing, and it was very welcome after indulging in his boring general work all evening long.
"aeons, y/n, you're adorable," he chuckled.
you leaned back with a smile, and found jing yuan looking up at you warmly. he absolutely loved the surprise attack, and rewarded you with a sweet kiss.
gepard landau
this guy... he got so super duper flustered as soon as you opened your assault. basically transformed until he resembled a tomato as he stuttered out your name.
don't get me wrong, he absolutely loved it, he just blushes easily when you were involved, especially when you pulled stunts like that.
his arms instantly snaked around your waist, even though it was more to have something to hold onto for himself, since he felt like he was about to fall off his seat.
but again, he loves it, and as soon as he got over the initial surprise, a smile made its way to his lips as he let you do your thing.
when you finally ceased your attack and leaned back, he gazed up at you with a blushy smile and now it was your turn to have your heart flutter in your chest because he looked absolutely cute and stunning.
sampo koski
maybe it was a bit tiring to hear him complain about how unflattering those wanted posters were all night long (though you agreed, whoever drew sampo didn't do him justice). that's why you decided it was your turn to get some attention.
his eyes widened when you interrupted him mid-sentence, and he instantly forgot what he was complaining about as his heart skipped a beat because dang, what you were doing was adorable!
he happily let you have your way, who was he to interrupt your loving act? you often bicker (albeit playfully and lovingly) instead of acting like an actual couple so this was a nice change of pace.
"since when do you act all cute around me, y/n? decided you do like me, after all?"
your answer was a lingering kiss on his nose, and for once the smile he offered you was loving and sincere.
blade
the moment your lips met his skin over and over, he literallt went "what the..." in such a surprised tone that it was adorable.
your thumbs caressed his cheeks as you pressed tiny kisses all over his forehead and temples and being the softie he secretly was, he unconsciously leaned into your touch.
that is, until he regained his composure and took ahold of your hands, firmly but gently peeling them off his cheeks and pushing you back a little. now you were the one who was surprised, especially when you found him smirking at you.
now he was the one who leaned in, his lips meeting yours in a kiss that went a lot deeper than the butterfly kisses you left on his skin prior to this. blade is the one who left you all blushy, instead of the other way around.
i'm afraid your surprise assault backfired.
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zepskies · 6 months
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When you want to write but your eyes keep closing...
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nexustherexus · 4 months
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WRITING BS
SOOO I finally finished this damn thing, Im working on getting it on my ao3 (but tags r so fucking UHGG) so I'm gonna post it here! tw for saw stuff ofc, also title recs r welcome! cuz I suck at titles.
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The odor of blood and decay suffocates Adam as it radiates throughout the pitch-black bathroom.
Zep's lifeless body lies a few feet in front of him, his body bloated and discolored, he vaguely feels maggots squirm on his ankle, eating away at the dying flesh around the raw welts but he can't bring himself to care. 
Adam shivers as he leans against the cold pipe of the bathroom, the bullet wound on his shoulder burns as it rubs against the fabric of his shirt, causing him to groan and squeeze his eyes shut in pain. 
In his feverish daze, he wonders if Lawrence will return for him.
He promised, Lawrence promised, he wouldn't lie to him. 
Would he?
Adam stares at his hands in front of him as he flickers in and out of consciousness, they shake violently.
Adam feels his hunger deep in his bones, leaving him aching and weak. He lets his head fall into his weak hands, furiously shaking as he begins to hear an all too familiar voice. 
"I wouldn't lie to you” a familiar voice whispers harshly against his ear. Despite the words being said, the voice makes every muscle in Adam tense in fear.
"You're not real, shut up!" Adam grits out between clenched teeth, his voice dry and strained as it echoes throughout the empty bathroom, his fingers itch for a cigarette now more than ever.
“It doesn't matter now, does it? You're dying Adam” The doctor's calm voice says, devoid of any emotion.
As Adam attempts to hold back the tears that threaten to fall, he clamps his hands over his ears roughly to muffle the echoing whispers of Lawrence.
It doesn't help, his voice sounds just as close and clear as it did before. 
Tears start to fall off Adam's sunken cheeks and sharp jaw as he finally breaks out in sobs, strained apologies, and confessions are whispered frantically. 
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry” Adam cries as his wails echo around the bathroom, “I want to live, please let me live, please come back” he whispers as his grip around his ears tightens.
Adam passes out with his head in between his arms for what has to be hours before he jumps up, woken up to bloodcurdling screams echoing all around him, his skull vibrates from the volume as he recognizes Zep's screams, the screams he caused.
But Zep was dead.
Wasn't he?
Adam slowly opens his eyes (when did he close them?) and looks a few feet in front of him where Zep’s corpse is supposed to be, he can smell the decaying flesh and the metallic blood covering them but Zep's body is gone, even in the dark bathroom he can tell that Zep’s body is gone.
Adam strains his eyes to make out the details in the darkness, he frantically looks around as things come into focus, Zep had to be in the bathroom with him. 
He remembers the feeling of warm blood splattering onto him, covering him in the sticky red substance. He remembers when Zepp’s skull cracked under him as his adrenaline-filled body smashed, smashed, smashed away Zep’s only chance at life. 
Adam looked around the bathroom as best as he could when he noticed a glint of metal in the bathtub, and sure enough, Zep's rotting corpse lay at the bottom of the bathtub with his gun lying in his left hand and his tape on top of his chest. Adam reaches his arm towards Zep's gun and just as his fingers whisper over the handle of the pistol Zep's rotting arm reaches up and grabs the small of his wrist with bruising strength. 
“There are rules” Zep’s corpse whispers as he yanks Adam by the wrist roughly, making him hiss. 
“you should be dead,” the corpse whispers calmly, “You wanted to die” Zep digs his blood-covered fingernails deep into Adam’s wrist, Adam winces and uses the rest of his strength to rip his wrist out of Zep's hold and sink back into the corner, laying his head against the chilled pipe behind him.
Zep continues to whisper nonsense Adam can't quite make out through the pounding of his head, bright hot pain shocks him as it runs through his body in a wave.
Adam shivers and tries to hold down the bile that attempts to work its way up his throat, if he keeps losing fluids he knows he won't be able to stay conscious much longer. Adam screws his eyes shut in an attempt to catch to stop the violent hallucinations and flashbacks.
Adam shakes as he claws at his ears, the desperate screams of Lawrence and Zep echo throughout the bathroom, shaking him to his core. His tears roll off his cheeks freely as he shakes from the force of his sobs, blood drips down the sides of his jaw, mixing with the tears and dried blood on his face.
Despite the blood and tears running down his face and hands, he continues the painful grip around his ears, despite how it doesn't dampen the cries and shrieks that echo around him.
Adam pukes, bile and stomach acid splatter across the floor beside him, far too exhausted to move from his spot. Adam gags as the putrid smell reaches his nose and reminds him of all the decay around him.
Adam is the cause of it, he is the cause of all the decay and death that surrounds him, the decay that suffocates him and makes it next to impossible to breathe. 
Adam finally releases his tight grip around his ears and wraps them around his stomach, which is oh-so empty, and squeezes at his sides slightly. 
He knew he was most likely going to die alone, a nobody, someone who would rot in his apartment till his body started to decompose, rotting and melting until someone complained about the smell or something. Even in death, he would be a bothersome nobody.
Adam didn't want to die alone, he truly didn't want to die at all, he just wanted something to change. He got his wish in the end though, didn't he?
He lets out a choked sob and curls into himself more, his game was rigged from the start, he was destined to fail from the moment he drained that damn bathtub, and who knows, he might be dead right now and this is all a part of some post-death hallucination.
What Adam would give to see the light beyond the bathroom door, know he wasn't forgotten,  know Lawrence will return to him. 
He knows that he won't live long despite the running water in the tub, water won’t calm the burning infection running through him, or the hunger that pains him deep down in his bones.
Adam claws at his sides as he trembles, the pain providing some sort of clarity in his hazy thoughts so he can catch his breath, which is harder than it should be, every breath is shallow and wet as he tries to even it out. Adam doesn't want to die here, he wants to go back to his shithole apartment make sure the cat that wanders outside of it is ok and fed, call his mom back, and apologize for not answering her calls.
The first couple of days he was locked in the bathroom he screamed and wailed for what seemed like hours on end before he eventually passed out in exhaustion, once he woke up the cycle repeated until the hallucinations started.
Once he started hearing Lawrence and Zep whispering into his ear, he would wake up screaming and flailing around before the pain in his shoulder or leg knocked him out of his panic. 
He can't even remember the last time he slept without waking up screaming because of a nightmare or a hallucination, hell sometimes it was a combination of both, this combination made sure he never got much rest.
Adam is used to being sleep deprived, hell half the time he would only get a few hours a night, developing the number of photos he takes is time consuming, to say the least.
But the exhaustion he is feeling is like none other he has felt before, it takes so much energy to do something as simple as breathing, he would do anything to sleep interrupted. 
As Adam's eyes droop he is shaken awake by a piercing noise, the sound of metal grinding against the floor vibrates him to his bones.
The door, Lawrence must have kept his promise. Adam almost cries as the dull yellow light from outside the door shines in and illuminates the blood and decay that is splattered all over the bathroom.
A small figure walks in, their boots clicking against the ground as they walk closer to Adam, the shadowy figure sits on the edge of the bathtub and stares down at him. Now that Adam can see them better he can see their spiky, unkept hair.
“I have a question for you Adam,” The strained feminine voice echoes throughout the bathroom, it sounds like they have been crying, “do you appreciate your life?” they ask, voice wavering.
Adam coughs wetly as he tries to find his voice, it seems so long since he last spoke. He opens his mouth before snapping it shut quickly, trying to find the right words for what he wants to say.
“I-I think in the past I didn't,” he pauses and catches his breath before speaking again, only this time much softer “but now a-all I want to do is get home and get better, move on with my life and stop being afraid of every damn thing,” he says angrily with tears building in his eyes.
Adam grips his stained shirt tightly in his fists as he stares at the mysterious figure, his fever riddled brain isn't thinking straight as he reaches out with a kind hand and places it on her knee, hell she could been the one that brought him into this hellhole but the pain in her eyes is too similar to what he sees every day in the mirror.
The girl freezes and looks down at him with soft eyes, “Don't worry Adam, I'm going to help you get out of here” she whispers with glossy eyes as she places her delicate hand on top of his, rubbing her thumb across his boney knuckles comfortingly.
“P-please” he pleads as his grip on her tightens, “don't leave me just yet?” he asks as his voice breaks and tears start to fall from his eyes. 
The woman simply nods and sinks off the bathtub and onto the bloodied cold floor to sit next to Adam. He looks at her with tired eyes as she brushes his sweaty hair out of his face and holds his jaw lightly
“You're real right?” he whimpers out pitifully, leaning into the woman's touch.
“Yea Adam, I'm real, I promise” she giggles wetly before pulling him in for a hug, careful of his injuries.
Adam leans into the warm hug and wraps his arms around her waist gently, it's been so long since he last had a hug. His body shakes as he sobs into her neck, and his tears fall onto her shirt but neither of them cares, they stay like this for a while until the woman breaks apart the hug, she wipes his tears with her thumb before grabbing a water bottle behind her (when did that get there?) and handing it to him, urging him to drink some.
Adam grabs the plastic water bottle with a tight grip and chugs it quickly before handing it back to her, he wipes his mouth as he watches her stand up.
“I have to go now Adam, hang in there, I promise help is coming,” she says confidently before walking towards the metal door, her combat boots clicking against the tile as she walks away from Adam. Once she gets outside of the door she waves awkwardly before shoving the door shut roughly, plunging the bathroom into darkness once again.
As unlikely as it is, Adam hopes and prays that the woman is real, and that he will get help and survive.
As he finally drifts off to sleep, he thinks of the cat outside of his apartment, maybe he can finally take it in and care for it.
Such non-judgemental creatures they are. 
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captaincryolicious · 2 years
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3.46 am
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It was unfair.
The embrace of slumber often brushed past you coldly, not giving you the slightest pinch of acknowledgement. The exhaustion was genuine, but sleep was but a fleeting matter that abandoned you more often than not.
Too often you found yourself tossing and turning hopelessly, and tonight was not an exception. Frustration was rapidly building up in your entire being as you heaved out a sigh, the umpteenth of many. It was as if comfort lingered just out of reach of your grasping fingers. You couldn't grasp onto it, and thus you couldn't push yourself over the last treshold towards slumber.
You wanted to sleep so badly, exhaustion crashing upon you like a tsunami. If you were so tired, why couldn't you simply fall asleep? You often wondered that. It souded easy enough, right? Yet, it didn't seem to work that way. Not for you, at least. No matter how tired you were, falling asleep proved itself to be a challenge time after time.
With an exasperated sigh, you moved around to switch to your other side once again, tugging the blankets with you in an attempt to grow a little more comfortable.
"Hey, stop that," an annoyed voice growled, and the blankets were pulled away harshly. "Quit moving around so much, you're keeping me awake."
"Sorry," you mumbled, pursing your lips.
Your sleepless nights were not only a problem for you, Scaramouche was often kept awake as well, your endless tossing and turning stirring the bed and preventing him from falling asleep just as much. Though it made you feel terrible, you couldn't blame him for getting so frustrated with you.
Silence followed. You barely dared to move, but maybe that was a good thing. At least your endless moving wasn't going to keep you up when you stayed still. Did it really work like that? It was slowly driving you crazy, your position getting uncomfortable and the urge to move was like an itch you couldn't scratch.
Tonight was a disaster, but when wasn't it?
"Let me guess, it's one of those nights again?" the harbinger said after a while, catching onto the way you were practically holding your breath.
"Yeah," you admitted, fighting the urge to turn around to face him. You were lovers, but you weren't expecting to find any comfort in him. It wasn't hard to guess that his expression was one of sheer irritation, maybe even anger. You didn't need him glaring at you like that, your night was already terrible enough.
"Such a pain," Scaramouche sighed, and you felt ashamed.
Yet, it merged into surprise when you felt the mattress shift under his weight. His arm wrapped around you from behind and he gently urged you to cuddle against him.
You were almost frozen at this point, never expecting such a sweet gesture to come from the cold Fatui harbinger. It was so unreal, were you maybe hallucinating from sheer exhaustion?
"Try to calm down, Y/N," he grumbled, voice hoarse with sleep. "Don't hyperfocus on falling asleep, that will never get you anywhere."
You tried to comply, to relax in his arms and just focus on that and let go of the desire to fall asleep. Relaxing was surprisingly easy in his arms, you found out very soon. Staring into the darkness of your bedroom, you relished in the warmth and comfort. Was this Scaramouche's soft side showing?
Suddenly, not being able to sleep tonight wasn't all that terrible anymore. You slowly shifted in his arms, closing your eyes and exhaling deeply. Maybe you wouldn't be able to catch a lot of sleep tonight, but it was so rare for the harbinger to show affection. It eased the frustration that came with your insomnia a little.
Tomorrow, you'd worry about your sleepless nights again. Tonight you were going to enjoy your cold lover's embrace.
You barely noticed how your eyelids grew heavier, how your breathing steadied, and how slumber fell upon you gradually in the arms of your harbinger.
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piepie-li · 6 months
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just watched saw1………zepp omg why is he so pretty??? he's so little and skinny he's my present packed in his hoodie... but the best part is that cute tummy he got😭😭😭
spoiler alert *that no one needs
it's my first time watching the movie so i was like hopping he would win as jigsaw... then it turns out he isn't... i just love that twist soo much cuz he looks soo vulnerable that i want to hurt him so bad🤤🤤🤤 the film did it for me thank you... also it explained the panic in his eyes..... i precious each and every frame of them......
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then i immediately moved on to saw2... hoping to see his flashback.. all i saw was his rotten body... fair, he's body is cute. but why is he in the Google cast list thingy.. anyway it's a great movie im glad i watched it
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thegroovywitch · 2 years
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Discover Jimmy Page
The very beginnings: London's youngest session musician
from pageysartgallery
The very beginning of Jimmy Page’s studio career goes all the way back to 60 years ago, at the start of the 1960s, when a 17 year old Jimmy, following two years of touring with Neil Christian and his band The Crusaders, recorded various tracks with them. The most notable of these is the single "The Road To Love", released in 1962:
During one of his many performances at the Marquee Club, he was spotted by John Gibb of Brian Howard & the Silhouettes, who asked him to help record some singles for Columbia Graphophone Company. My personal favourite is "The Worryin’ Kind", a fast-paced rock and roll number:
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Jimmy was offered regular session work by Mike Leander of Decca Records. His first ever session for the label was "Diamonds", an instrumental track which reached #1 on the singles chart.
“In the initial stages they just said, play what you want, cause at that time I couldn't read music or anything.”
- Jimmy Page
In his early career as a session musician, Page has played with a large number of artists. You may want to check out his work with The Who, The Rolling Stones, Marianne Faithfull, Donovan and Them. Here are some of my favourite tracks from those sessions:
On these two 1964 Kinks tracks, he's credited as playing acoustic twelve-string guitar
He plays rythm guitar on the notorious Who single "I Can't Explain"
...and lead guitar on "Bald Headed Woman"
Some more iconic tracks from that time period include:
Around this time, he also released his first ever solo single, an upbeat pop rock track which has him playing all the instruments except the drums as well as singing lead... Something that has never happened again since (he does have a pretty, slightly raspy voice despite him claiming many times that he can't sing):
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Suggested album:
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The Maureeny Wishfull Album (1968), recorded and composed with his session days "rival" Big Jim Sullivan.
There aren’t any filmed live performances available from this time period, so I’m linking this adorable performance from 1957, playing in a skiffle band when he was only 13 years of age:
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AND how could I not include some video footage of Jimmy walking to the studio on a regular day of session work?
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Gallery:
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“I finally called it quits after I started getting calls to do Muzak. I decided I couldn’t live that life any more; it was getting too silly. I guess it was destiny that a week after I quit doing sessions Paul Samwell-Smith left the Yardbirds and I was able to take his place. But being a session musician was good fun in the beginning – the studio discipline was great. They’d just count the song off and you couldn’t make any mistakes.”
- Jimmy Page
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f4nrir · 11 months
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how did i not know you wrote for lucifer omg this changes everything .
i like him a little too much, i had to add him to the list 🗣️🙏🏽
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dr-reversebeartrap · 5 months
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Thinking of Diana Gordon
When something bad happens to you, the first instinct is to try and understand… Find a logical reason for things to have taken this turn so that your emotions may settle
She would want to know Why Zep did this to her... to them
He had been a coworker of her father but they’d never met before. He’d never even mentioned him at home before either. But for all her father brought work up as an excuse in conversations, he didn't share details about this part of his life. So it didn't exactly say as much as it could have on the role Zep ever played in it.
Once she learned his full name, she started calling him it. Full name every time, quickly and low "Zephindle" as if it were a single word she knew she was not meant to use. It felt important to her in order to demystify the boogeyman in her closet and...
It made her feel one percent, maybe two percents more in control of her reactions and the way she talked about it now. Diana eventually understood she shouldn't talk about him too much, that it made her parents somber and get lost in the spiral she was only too familiar with.
She kept asking why he would do this, and at first they would manage to brush her away with a vague "You know sometimes people just do bad things" but after a while she just came up with her own story thus finding logic in her nightmare. Something that let her understand and almost pity him, though she felt somewhat guilty about that too. Now it was a ransom situation, something about money or at least a life or death situation which did not leave him with a choice but to torment her and her mom for hours on end. Oh poor Zephindle who shook her family so bad it shattered.
One day her parents let the news of his death slip and when she asks for more information they clarified he had gotten "killed by another bad man. He won't hurt us anymore, sweetie."
Both out of relief, anger and compassion, Diana wounds up still surprised to find herself grieving this half made up character. Feeling bad for the Bad Man, Zephindle who taught her mommy and daddy won't always be there
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reallivewire · 2 years
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At first you hear your brother has gone missing. Then it's one of your coworkers, and then one of your superiors you never really talked to. Then your brother is dead and so is your coworker and your superior is only alive by the skin of his teeth and the loss of his foot. And then you find out only after so much time spent searching and digging through corporate bullshit that your brother was forced to kill your coworker because your superior was told to kill your brother and then - and fucking then! - the asshole responsible for all this, who got up and walked away and only died a year later because of his own fucking mistake - was a fucking patient at the hospital you work in. And hell, your coworker considered him a friend, too. And he got manipulated and murdered for it... but only after threatening and torturing and nearly killing a mother and her child when he really didn't have to at all... and they were your superior's family, to boot.
(And after all of this, why...? Why did the police leave your brother's body down there? Why haven't they gone down there to get him; why why why why why WHY have they left your dead brother down there to rot?)
(Maybe you'll find out even later yet, if you just keep searching, keep digging, keep scraping your hands till they bleed... and maybe then you'll know, and maybe then you'll find the bastard who's been keeping things from you, this piece of shit fucking ASSHOLE that couldn't keep one simple promise... and you'll be so, so very angry when you do.)
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a little bit of silly talks about writing because i’m trying to get used to tumblr back again.
the thing that is very important to me about my current led zep hyperfixation is that it got me back into writing. as i already mentioned earlier i stopped publishing my works in 2019 (after i deleted everything that existed in addition) and well. it’s been four years already and through these four years i haven’t written anything. i mean i can’t call it a writer’s block because i had ideas but i just lost interest??? i guess i finished only one work during these four years and i’m not even sure where is it (i think i lost it together with my previous laptop but my gf might have a copy or idk).
and lately being in my zeppelin phase i felt a strong desire to try again and to get back to the dancing days and wondrous nights and it worked. i mean. i set up an improvised writers month for myself (in april i’m a genius) and had fun writing jimbert everyday. and i was actually surprised because my skill improved??? yet i haven’t finished a single work for so long??? and i actually said “fuck the 100 words rule let it be 800 instead”.
i’m even currently thinking about being back into publishing soon because i know this exact community is very sweet to writers and everyone is so incredibly talented!! i mean. the slash community in particular because i want to bow down in wonder before all of you as you are just totally impressive.
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queerregulusablack · 2 years
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No I’m not caught up on Crimson Rivers no I don’t care about spoilers NO I am NOT going to catch up until after the arc of the next games is complete because my delicate little heart can’t take it.
What I AM going to do is go back and reread Just Lovers because that at least only hurts me in brief bouts before everything is resolved.
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jonesyjonesyjonesy · 2 years
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been thinking about the media i found and attached to during quarantine and the pandemic as a whole (that first year and a half specifically). i wonder and even suspect that these things we attached to during this particular traumatic time in history will be likened to our interests we had as children. things that will never go away from us because it brought us comfort and even safety. anyway. things that will make us smile because there was (is) so little else to smile about.
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thepinkwriterr · 2 years
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Capricorn Season Chapter Eleven 
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Hey, y’all, I know it’s been a couple weeks! I ask that you forgive me, I have been really busy. I had finals and then graduation and now I have a new job working as a groundskeeper so I am SUPER tired all the time. I have many more of these chapters ready, they just need spiffing up and outfit posts! 
But, anyway, getting into the story: we join the two lovers once more. They are not as happy as the last time we saw them... There is angst! This chapter is from Gwen’s POV. I hope you enjoy! 
It was 7 am and we were already fighting. I don't even know how it got started, honestly. I just wanted to talk to him about tour and now it's dissolved into this terrible animosity. I suppose it's my fault. When he didn't give me the answer I wanted to hear I just shut down. I don't even know why I asked that stupid question.
"Hey, Jimmy?" I asked as the sun peaked through the clouds.
"Yes, love?" His voice was soft and thick, laden with sleep. He'd just gotten up, but I'd been awake for almost an hour. Just thinking. All I could do was think. The thoughts buzzed around in my head like a mad fly trying to escape a sealed jar. I knew today was the mark of something important. This was the beginning of the end for us. It would be our last day together. He was going to dump me after today. I knew it. I could feel it in my bones. "What's going to happen when you go on tour?" He sighed and rubbed his eyes. He hesitated for a moment, and I didn't know if that was from fear or grogginess. "Christ, love, why do you women pick the worst times to have these talks?" His laugh did not hide his true feelings. His words were harsh and hurt me. Why was I so goddamn sensitive? For the last two days, every scrape felt like a gash. My heart was exposed and bleeding, waiting in bated breath for Jimmy to make a move. I felt like a cornered animal. I just wanted to do something. I wanted him to clarify what we were, if we were a couple or if it was more serious. I was trapped in a hellish purgatory, waiting for him to reassure me. I knew I couldn't wait anymore. I was far too impatient to wait for him any longer. He was leaving today. He won't be gone for long, this time. They'll actually have a number of shows in the UK. They won't be going to Finland until February. Perhaps it's dramatic, but I am very sad that I will no longer have him all to myself. They'll be touring, having rehearsals more often, and going to parties. I know this stretch of solitude couldn't last forever, but I want to hold onto it a little bit longer. I guess last night was a great way to end things. But I couldn't help but feel terrible about the whole situation. I was afraid of the future. We weren't on stable footing and I didn't want to make any sudden movements. We'd been spending so much time together and I only grew to like him more. I didn't want to fuck this up, but I knew this was the beginning of the end. Jesus, I'm so nervous that I can't even think! My head is like a cloudy airline runway, filled with thoughts coming and going without a clear path. "Well, this is kind of the last time I have to talk to you about something serious," I said. "That's not true. I will be home almost every day still. I will just be gone sometimes. I will see you often. And we can talk and laugh and dance, just like always. You're not losing me and I'm not losing you." His arms were around me now. I could feel his breath on my neck as he spoke. "I guess you're right. I just feel..." "Insecure?" My face burned. "Well, you don't have to be so honest. Of course, I'm insecure. You're Jimmy Page. I'm afraid I'm going to lose this wonderful thing we've built. Or that you're not going to want to continue it when you get back." "That is simply not going to happen. You're the one I have eyes for, my love. And I want to spend all my time with you. If I could shirk my responsibilities, I would gladly rot in this bed with you," He turned to me, admiring my features, "I think we would look quite nice all moldy together." I ended his attempt at trying to turn things lighthearted. "I have something else I need to ask. You're going to be gone for a while, on the road, without me. And there will be women throwing themselves at you endlessly." I rambled, looking down at my hands. It is so incredibly awkward being honest with him, especially when I feel that he doesn't care. I don't feel he wants to have these conversations with me. He looks pained when I bring them up. Was I annoying him? Was I upsetting him? "Are you asking if I'll be sleeping with other women?" He was frank. Too frank. He spoke of it like it was normal. He was thinking about this already. "Yes. And I know you will. And I'm okay with that. I've accepted that. I mean, Christ, I'm sure you've slept with other people just in the time that we've been together but-" "Woah, hold on there, love. I haven't. I told you I've only got eyes for you."
"It's okay if you're sleeping with other people. We're not married. But I need you to be honest. I want to hear you say it." "Yes, I will be sleeping with other people." I let out a shaky breath. Okay, that was good. That was a good step. Honesty. From us both. "I just need to know that you'll be mine when you return." I tried to lay a thick coat of sugar over my words. I didn't know if it was for his comfort or my own. "Oh, darling, of course, I'll be yours. I belong to you, and you to me. I meant what I said. I wouldn't have said it otherwise." His eyes were serious. I looked into the expanse of light, muddy green. I could get lost in them, and I often do. Just staring into the caverns of his irises. I could set up camp there. No food, water, or sleep. Just his wistful gaze and the wrinkling of his cheeks as he smiles back at me. But it wasn't enough when I felt so terrible. He couldn't reassure me, not when he admitted he would be sleeping with other women when I was already so upset. Why couldn't he see it was about more than sex? I wanted him to be my home, I wanted to curl around him and block out anyone but us. I wanted life to continue on how it was now, I wanted to live as if we were meant to be and the world was ours. His leaving threatened any sense of normalcy I had managed to create in this strange dynamic. I felt like he had kicked me in the chest. We had breakfast soon after that disaster of a talk. It was a simple spread of eggs, bagels, fruit, and tea. I wasn't very hungry. He made my plate, which would have been a cute gesture if I didn't want to hit him, or jump into his arms and cry, I couldn't tell which would make me feel better. I looked around at the house, the one we'd built this relationship in, and saw now that was disheveled and small. The wallpaper was suddenly tackey and the floors needed sweeping. There it was, that old familiar feeling. Anxiety had inched its way up my body and sat on my chest, leaning over my face and laughing as I emoted in terror. I was scared and it was the anxiety's fault. I clenched my hands and tried to breathe, but I couldn't with this creature weighing me down. I was quiet, choosing to put my focus on breathing properly and appearing normal. I had a conflict of interest now, wanting him to dote on me and ask what was wrong, but also wanting to either appear fine or disappear entirely. "Are you sure we're okay?" He asked, trying his best to swallow a mouthful of egg. "Yeah," I said, lying through my teeth. Nothing was okay. He was leaving, leaving me, abandoning me for tour. He was going to be sleeping with other women and I'd be but an afterthought. I'd be a fond memory of a soon forgotten time. He'd move on to better things and I wondered if I would too. I was suddenly angry, filled with rage at the thought of him living a better life without me. I was angry because he got to be happy and I didn't, he was living it up while I was heartbroken. "Gwen?" He broke me from these thoughts. I had spiraled momentarily, picturing an unknown future that detailed our heartbreak. "Yeah?" "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "I just want to make sure. I don't think you were very happy with my answer to your question." Yeah, no shit! "No, it's fine." I pushed my food around, watching it slither across my plate as I bit my lip. "Okay. I feel better now." Yeah, I bet you do... We spent the rest of our day lazing around. He wanted to spend the remaining time doing what we always do, which is nothing. I was bored and disgruntled. My clothes felt uncomfortable, the blanket was scratchy, and his usually comforting arms were cumbersome and constricting. I wiggled my way from his grasp and sat freely on the other end of the couch. He gave me a puzzled look and reached for my hand, which I begrudgingly took. I didn't want him to pretend. I wanted him to get it over with already and break up with me. We played this ridiculous game of cat and mouse until he got fed up with it. I could tell he was getting annoyed with my behavior but was trying to be polite. "Okay, love, I want to get ready. Will you come upstairs and help me dress for the day?" I looked at his angelic face and wanted to be angry. I wanted to scream at him and ask him why he was doing this to me, why he was leaving me. But that all went away when I looked at his face. He was so beautiful, so innocent. He was like a fawn, just looking into your eyes and begging for something. I hadn't figured out what he was begging for, but that look was there. "Sure." I followed him up the stairs and huffed the whole way. Of course, he wanted me to help him pack his stuff and get ready. He was going to ask for my advice, rope me into folding his clothes and picking out what accessories would pair well, and then he would kick me out. He would laugh as I cried and watch from the window as I sulked to my car. I could see in his eyes that he was waiting for this. Well, I wasn't going to be a fool. I knew this little game. I knew what he wanted to do and I was going to get ahead of him. I was going to leave him before he could leave me. "What do you think about this?" He asked. My heartbeat was thumping in my chest. My breathing was speeding up. My nails tapped against my leg. I chewed on my lip. This was it, this was the commencement of the crescendo. "Yeah, it looks good," I said absentmindedly. I couldn't think seriously about it. I didn't even see what he was wearing. "Are you sure? I think this top looks a bit silly with these trousers. Maybe I just need to put a scarf over the whole thing. What do you think about this one?" I wanted to laugh, I felt the urge in the pit of my stomach. Him and those stupid scarves, I thought. But I didn't laugh because nothing about how I felt was funny. I just shrugged and kept picking at the edge of my sock. "Okay, what is your problem? You've been off all day and I keep asking if you're alright and you keep saying yes, but obviously that's not true." "It is true! I'm fine." I insisted. Who was he to tell me when I was fine or not? He didn't even know me. "It doesn't seem like it. So, if you need to tell me something, just tell me." I hesitated. Was I really about to tell him this was over? Would that qualify as fucking this up? Maybe I was fucking this up already. Maybe my insistence on being fine was in the vein of fucking things up. Maybe. I shrugged. "You don't know?" "No." "No, you don't know, or no you do know?" "No, I don't know. I don't know!" "Well, then tell me what is the matter." He was looking at me, confusion on his face. A print scarf was still tied around his neck. He was wearing dark bell bottoms and a familiar shirt. "Is that my shirt?" I asked, my voice rising in volume. "Yeah. Is that a big deal?" "Yeah, it is! You're just going to leave on tour and take my shirt?" "I'm not leaving on tour. I'll be back later tonight!" "Yeah, yeah, it starts with that, but then you're going to be gone! You're going to be gone and you'll have my shirt. You'll have my shirt and I'll have nothing. So go ahead and have fun on tour. Have fun abandoning me and have fun tonight wearing my shirt!" I stood from his bed and stomped over to the door, slamming it behind me. My heart was racing, beating more rapidly than I'd ever felt. My mind was running just as fast, filled with regret, sadness, and anger. I hadn't felt so many complex emotions before. "Gwen, wait! Gwen!" He called after me as I ran down the stairs. I sailed toward the front door and made it to my car as quickly as my legs would carry me. He stood in the doorway and called out my name. I looked at him, still wearing my shirt and the scarf. He looked just as adorable as ever, just as sweet as the day I'd met him. But that was over now. It had to be. "Gwen, please, just wait!" He cried out, walking toward me as I pulled out and drove off.
When I returned I could hear Lucy's chattering meows. "Hello, I know it's been a minute since I've been home." I sat my things on the counter and let her run into my arms. She was very self-sufficient, spending much time alone these past few months. But that was over now. "Oh, Lucy, I'm sorry I neglected you. I promise I won't ever leave your side again. It'll just be me and you forever." She rubbed her face into my hands and on my legs, purring as her eyes closed in contentment. The space around me was disheveled. That's another reason I hadn't let Jimmy see it yet. Records, photos, art, and books sat on every available surface. And although this wasn't too unlike the boathouse, I didn't want him to see it like this. I am usually very good at decorating and making sure things are in order. But my life had been anything but orderly lately. And it's not like I had my own cleaning lady.
Maybe it wasn't the mess that kept me from letting him in. The mess was a mask, an excuse. If I told myself it was too messy for him to see, I would never have to let him into my world. My apartment would remain a perfect shelter from the reality of our relationship. If you could even call it that.
I don't think I realized how much it was fucking me up that we were so ambiguous. What were we? Friends with benefits? Lovers? Soulmates? Dating? It didn't make any sense to me. I wanted it to. So badly did I want Jimmy to make sense to me. It felt right, but it didn't make sense. His hands cupped my jaw like they were chiseled from one block of alabaster marble as if we were meant to touch. His body wrapped around mine perfectly, like wind in trees. We seemed to be so perfect, but we weren't anything. I wasn't anything to him, it seemed.
The rest of my day was spent cleaning. My Virgo tendencies were on full display, I felt motivated and full of energy. I needed something to distract me. As I sorted through stacks of clutter, I came across a box of sentimental items. Tucked inside were old photos from school and family events. Along with some flowers from my first ever date and my diplomas. One for photography and another for psychology. I gave a laugh before throwing it back into the box. Oh, how useful they have been. Although I didn't get the job I wanted in psychology, college was still an integral part of my life. I'm glad that I went. Looking back on it now, it was a good time. Without the guidance and housing, I don't know where I would be. I would not be in this situation, that's for sure. Without the experience of juvenile and naïve love, I may not be so charming and deft as I am now. And it was in a tiny dorm room at Berkeley that I suffered my first heartbreak. It felt and looked much different than now, but was looming and saddening all the same. It shaped me and molded me into the person I am today. Without the enlightenment from Dominic, I also wouldn't be in the grand civil parish of Winnersh. Consequently only a 24-minute drive from Pangbourne. I hadn't divulged any information about my past lovers. I didn't feel it was appropriate yet. We weren't that invested. Or perhaps we were, but I was denying it. It all feels so weird. Being so intertwined and fated, but having so little time to get used to each other. I didn't feel that I could pour into him yet. I needed time to warm up to his reactions and feelings. He seemed so at ease with me. So peaceful. I hadn't seen him that way with his friends or even at rehearsal. The only time he looked the same was in the music room, strumming away on his guitars. His often pensive look always warmed my heart. This could be because he is such a contrast to my aforementioned ex-lover. Dominic had an impatient eye. His gaze never stayed long on any subject, especially me. He was a selfish person. And I never adjusted to that. Every time his eyes fell on me I could feel the way he saw me. Small. Like he was measuring all the ways I wasn't enough. And I didn't feel that with Jimmy. He was driven. He was the most ambitious and focused person I had ever met. When he looked at me, he only saw me. He didn't see an equation that totaled my worth for the day. But how could I trust him when I'd been so hurt in the past? What am I doing? Comparing these two was like comparing apples to oranges. Dominic was a boy. At 19, we didn't know who we were. And after all the years past, who was I to say who he is now? We were so unfinished back then. Although I doubt he could do the amount of growth I have done. It seemed to be expected of me, and praise-worthy for him. And Jimmy is an adult, a full-grown person who has a home and a career. Something I never had with Dominic. We could play house in our dorms all we wanted, but it was never real. And this finally felt real. The relationship I had with Jimmy was starting to become tangible and three-dimensional and that scares me. A pang of guilt coursed through me. I remembered that thought I had right before I went off about my shirt, the idea that I could be fucking things up. And now I knew I had fucked things up. Then I remembered Jimmy's face as he stood in the doorway. He looked confused and hurt. And now I felt like shit. Memories were flickering in my eyes. I was a haunted house, occupied by the spirits of my past failures. This was not a foreign feeling, I was used to being visited by those who've hurt me. But it was how these recollections were coming that were especially painful. It was gripping and crushing, the way the memories came. I was immediately struck, now on my knees with the ailment of nostalgia. Nothing was okay without Dominic, not for a long time. When things were bad between us, I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest and eaten before me. I felt that this horrible thing was happening to us, but in reality, it was happening to me. He was the horrendous rumble in the pit of my stomach, the sleepless nights of worry. He was the bad thoughts and the reason the hall light needed to be on. He awakened something in me that I tried to shove down. The little child in me that I wanted to stay dormant. He brought her out, gave her a dance, and then left her to find a new partner. He abandoned me. Not in the literal sense, I was the one who wanted to end things. But he gave up. He threw in the towel when things got hard, even when I was still giving my all. And I was so blind that I didn't see it until it was too late. The damage was already done. And my heart was left broken without a reason why. And then I was left to clean everything up. I had to sweep up the broken pieces he left behind. I felt the same way now. But it was different, it was deeper than the flesh wound Dominic had inflicted. I was terrified of history repeating itself. This was the fear forever in the back of my mind. I was worried this fate would befall Jimmy and me. If I'd fucked it up once, I could do it again. And I didn't want that for us. I thought that if I played it safe, I could keep that from happening. But I see every day that my fear is not productive, not keeping from the pain. It was driving us apart each day, my walls jamming a wedge in our relationship. But, that is the thing about walls. Once they are up, they are almost impossible to take down. And I certainly didn't feel it was in my power to take them down. How could I trust someone when they were so unstable? How could I let someone in whom I don't really know? I was becoming increasingly afraid of impending abandonment, imagined or not. Jimmy's starting tour marked the end of our domestic bliss. We were no longer two lovers stuck in a bubble of solitude. He had business, he had a job to do. I did as well, and I often left his house to attend to my duties. But I always returned, always thought of him while I developed photos for other people. But he wasn't going to be just half an hour away. Some days he would be two hours, ten hours, or three days away. And that didn't sit right with me. No matter how much he reassured me, I would be wary of his absence. I don't know if or how he could blame me. I spent the rest of my day fighting off a heavy feeling of anxiety in my chest. The thumping beat of my pain had returned. Turbulence in our relationship was bringing up these old feelings. I was worried about what he would be doing. Was he with another woman? Was he thinking of me? It all swirled around my head and crashed into my body in waves of paranoia. I couldn't wait to be in the salvation of his arms once more. To be on solid ground. I wished to be in his embrace so I could forget all the horrible ways I'd been hurt. I wanted him to look into me, all the bad parts, the things that hurt, and soak them up. I wanted him to love me so much it took the pain away. The phone ringing caught my attention. It was a shrill and terrible sound that annoyed me any time it rang. But now I was more nervous than angry as I dashed to answer. I had to work my way through the clutter than was on the floor, but I made it.
"Hello?" I asked, praying Jimmy was on the other end. "Hello, love." It was him. He sounded somber. He sniffled as he spoke. Another wave of guilt. I'd made him cry? "Um, hi, Jimmy. What's up?" I tried to sound nonchalant. I don't think it worked. I was far too desperate to hear his voice. I couldn't hide my infatuation.
"I'm just calling because I want to make sure we're alright. I can't go to my show knowing you are upset." I could hear him fiddling with something in the background. He was nervous. He liked to pace and pick at things when he was nervous. If he's nervous, that means he cares, right? He wouldn't be worried if his feelings were genuine.
"I'm fine."
He sighed. It was deep and pained. "You know as well as I do that's not true. So why don't you tell me what's wrong."
"I-I don't know. I can't tell you."
"Can you try?"
Now I was sighing. This was all so confusing. Why couldn't I get it out? Why couldn't I just tell him I was afraid he was going to leave? It wasn't so hard. I knew how to say the words, so why wouldn't they come out? I felt like screaming at myself. I was floating over my body, looking down at the top of my head as I stood by the phone. Idiot!
"Are you upset that I'm sleeping with other people?"
"Not really."
"What does that mean?"
"I don't know."
He sighed again. This one sounded angrier. He was frustrated with me, I could tell. He was mad at me. "Well, I can't help you if you won't tell me how you feel." His clipped cadence showed me everything I was already thinking. I was fucking this up and I couldn't stop.
"I am!" The pressure was getting to me. I couldn't help but let anger slip through. Anything to avoid real feeling.
"No, you're not." His tone was still curt. "What is it, huh? Do you not trust me? Have I not shown you that I'm a safe person to talk to?"
"No, you have. I just can't-" I stopped myself. It was like prying a door open. I couldn't get the words to come out, no matter how hard I tried. A silence consumed me, filling both ends of the line. It was interrupted only by a sound of sniffling and shuffling. I felt tears prick in my eyes. I was hurting him and it felt like I couldn't help it. I was fucking this up. Fuck up, fuck up, fuck up!
"Can't what?"
"Can't tell you."
"Oh, for christ's sake, Gwen, can you just tell me? I have to leave for a show in twenty minutes and I need to settle this before then." His tone had settled, but there were still traces of his anger. I heard another sigh. "Would it help if I told you I felt first?"
"Maybe."
"I feel that you are upset that I'm going to be sleeping with other women. But I want to assure you that I only said that because I don't want to lie. I really like you and I don't want to fuck this up, and lying would fuck this up. So I'm sorry if it hurts you that I was honest, but that's what being with me would entail. Right now, at least."
"I appreciate the honesty."
"Do you want to tell me how you feel now?"
"I guess. Um, here goes nothin'," I was afraid. I hadn't been honest with someone, open and vulnerable, since Dominic. He shattered my heart and left me for a life he felt was better suited for him. What if I opened myself up to Jimmy, threw myself in, and became completely attached, and the same thing happened? I guess I had to take that chance if I wanted anything real with him. I would have to be real with him, "I am afraid that you'll forget about me on tour," There, that wasn't so bad, "and I'm afraid you'll want a different life than the one I could give you. I don't want you to just leave me behind and I feel like that's going to happen."  I tangled the phone cord around my finger as I looked around my apartment. I closed my eyes and sighed, holding back the urge to hang the damn thing up,
"That's simply untrue, darling. I know you are nervous and have been burned before, but you'd be a fool to think that's the truth. The way I feel about you is worth more than some silly band or tour, and I say that as someone who you know is obsessed with the music. I am overjoyed that I get to spend this new chapter of my life with you. I can't wait to return from tour to see your face and feel you in my arms. I want you in my life."
"Wow. That's really sweet."
"It's the truth, love."
"Thank you for the honesty."
"Thank you for telling me how you feel. I'm sorry if I've made you feel that you can't trust me."
"No, no, nothing like that. It's me."
"Well, as long as we're on the same page and we're okay, I don't care. I just want to make sure we're okay. I can't handle you being mad at me. Not when I'm going to a show. I just can't have that. Not good for the music, not good for you, not good for me."
"Right."
"Right," he laughed. "And to top it off, I will leave you with a promise and something to look forward to. In three days we're going to spend New Year's Eve together, and we're going to have a great time."
"Yeah, we will," I smiled.
"That's right, love." I could hear him laughing some more. "Now, I have to go. I will see you soon, okay?"
"Yeah, okay. I'll see you soon."
"Goodbye, my sweet and beautiful Guinevere."
"Goodbye, James."
The line went dead and I was left with a puddle of confusing feelings. I hung up the phone. Okay, he meant what he said. He meant what he said. He had to of meant it. I just have to assume he meant it. That has to be enough. It has to be.
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Taglist: 
@anothercanyonlady , @jonesyjonesyjonesy , @paginate54 , @jimmys-zeppelin , @jimmypages , @seventieswhore​
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sepsis-and-sparkles · 2 years
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DAVID AND ZEP CHAPTER V !!!!! :)
My lil guys poor david</3
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captaincryolicious · 2 years
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trying to write something but hating how it is turning out,, help me
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