#........ im getting off track. point is i can excuse past abuse towards me but i draw the line at animal abuse :) gn

[britishassistant]

The Villainous Paranoiac Just Wants An Uneventful Holiday (Part 1)

This is not how you wanted to spend your break.

The school was supposed to be empty. Everyone except the Octavinelle trio was supposed to be gone.

Not to say you don’t enjoy your friends’ company but. No magic-using people means no magic-spewing overblots.

You were looking forward to just bringing the fairies their firewood and working on your winter homework while taking the first opportunity in a good long while to unwind with Grim and the ghosts. No investigations to worry about, no weird dreams to get worked up over, no overblots to frantically try and survive.

You wanted a break.

This? Marching 10km into the desert with the rest of Scarabia dorm for the third day in a row due to their leader’s looming psychotic breakdown? This is not a break.

Although...

There’s definetely something rotten in Scarabia dorm, you think to yourself as you watch Viper-senpai hand out skeins of water. Kalim-senpai had no problem using his unique magic yesterday, and yet today he acted like Grim had mortally insulted him when he asked for a repeat performance.

If the outburst had been after two or three other instances of Kalim-senpai using Oasis Maker and receiving what he felt were insufficient thanks for it, then his current attitude would make a little more sense. But taking umbrage after using it just once? And being universally praised by everyone else the rest of the day for it?

It doesn’t add up.

Even deranged behavior has some sort of internal logic to it, as Rosehearts-senpai and the Rules of the Queen of Hearts have taught you. Even with how nonsensical all 810 rules are, it’s rare to find a scenario where one rule actually conflicts with another— all of them usually work smoothly in tandem with the goal of having an orderly unbirthday party in mind.

Even if they do violate most forms of dignity and common sense.

Kalim-senpai’s behavior though? It’s erratic without rhyme or reason, bouncing from nice to mean and back again seemingly as he enters and exits a room. He insists you and Grim stay and participate in this asinine “training”, despite the fact that you both belong to a different dorm, and are technically rivals to Scarabia in Magift and exams.

If you didn’t know better, you’d say it’s almost like he’s trying to imitate Rosehearts-senpai before his overblot—and doing poorly at it.

And with how much Viper-senpai has been invoking parallels between the current situation and what happened back then...

The smartphone Crowley gave you is a cold, heavy weight in your pocket. Its charge ran out yesterday, which is unsurprising given how many times you dialed and redialed the dumb bird headmaster’s number only to be met with his voicemail. You can probably recite that stupid message by heart now. You’ve heard nothing from Ace and Deuce either.

One thing is clear; no one’s going to help you out of this mess but you.

“Kalim-senpai?” You brace yourself as you step towards him. “Can I ask you something?”

“What could you possibly question me about?” He barks, glaring down at you haughtily.

“Well, I was just wondering, what’s the point of all this?” You fight to keep your nerve as his posture stiffens. “I don’t mean any disrespect, none at all, but you do want everyone to do better in Magift and exams, don’t you? I was hoping you could explain to me how the parades and defensive magic training are supposed to do that. I apologize for my ignorance, I’m nowhere near as smart as you, but could you please tell me why we don’t just practice Magift and brush up on the class material inst—”

Your head’s ringing.

You think you hear faint yelling, though it sounds like it’s coming from somewhere far away.

Your cheek aches.

Numbness blooming into a sharp stinging throb that feels like it’s growing with every second that passes, burning hotter than the sun above you.

You cautiously poke your tongue against your teeth, but none feel loose, thank the Seven.

Damn, the desperate, near-hysterical thought flits through your head. Even a pampered rich boy like him has strength behind his hits, huh?

The rest of you is just trying to process what the Hell just happened.

“How. Dare. You?!”

Asim-sama looms over you, red eyes burning with fury.

It’s a fight to keep yourself from curling into a terrified ball under his gaze, tucking into yourself as though seeing less of you would abate the anger, the shouting, the hurt, like you used to when you were a child.

“You dare to question my methods, my leadership of this dorm?! You? A sniveling street rat leeching off my hospitality?! Do you know who I am?!” He rages. “I am Kalim al-Asim! I am the Head of this dorm! I don’t have to explain ANYTHING, justify ANYTHING to the likes of you!!”

You knew, you knew you were pushing your luck when you first asked, but you thought it would just be yelling, like it was before. You can handle yelling, nothing Asim-sama can say could ever be worse than what you’ve already heard.

You didn’t think he’d hit you.

You didn’t think he’d hit you.

You didn’t think—

“DON'T YOU TOUCH MY MINION, FGNAH!”

Your arm whips out almost on instinct.

You jolt forward slightly as Grim collides with it, hissing and spitting like he really was an irate cat, the flames in his ears flaring brightly enough that some detached part of you is worried about getting burned.

The other Scarabia students are reaching for their magic pens.

“Lemme at ‘im! Lemme at ‘im!!” Your friend howls, fighting to get past you. “Forget butt on fire, I’ll BURN IT TO A CRISP FOR HURTING MY MINION!! I'LL STEAL EVERYTHING YOU HAVE AND SELL IT FOR LUXURY TUNA!! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR CROSSING THE GREAT GRIM—”

“No, Grim.”

Your friend halts in his flailing to stare uncomprehendingly at you. “But Yuu—!”

“It was my fault.” You say, trying to keep as much emotion out of your voice as possible. Tears and trembling only show weakness, only make them worse. “Asim-sama was just correcting me. He was right to do so. I shouldn’t have questioned him. I overstepped my bounds.”

Asim-sama sniffs. “At least you know your place. Be glad I don’t punish you anymore than this.”

“What?! He slapped you for asking a question, you can’t possibly believe—” You gather Grim into your arms and hug him close. You quietly thank the Great Seven you at least have him, trying to hide the quiver in your limbs by burying your face in his fur.

But that’s exactly why you can’t let him do this. It’s just the two of you, you can’t win against an entire dorm of wizards like you did against the ghosts. Maybe if Ace and Deuce and Jack were here...but it’s just you. You need to protect your friend in the only way you can. “We can’t win this. Please, Grim.”

You feel him grumble, then a paw carefully pushes at your forehead. “Hrm...I’ll show mercy for now, so geroff already. It’s too hot for you to keep hugging me like this, I’m cooking here fgnah.”

Despite saying so, he settles onto your shoulder, tail smacking your arm as it flicks irritably.

“If you’ll excuse me, Asim-sama.” You duck your head slightly. “I will remove myself from your sight and head back early as penance for my behavior. Once again, my deepest apologies for insulting you.”

Asim-sama gives you a curt, dismissive nod.

You turn and make your way through the crowd of Scarabia students, snatches of muttered conversations floating to your ears.

“How could he—?”

“Just for a question?”

“Isn’t that going too far...?”

“Unforgivable...”

“Prefect.” Viper-senpai takes you by the shoulder, turning you to face him. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” You reply monotonously, eyes on the sand below you. “Just...just need to be by myself for a bit.”

His lips purse and you can feel him study your face. He presses a full water skein into your hands. “Take this. Even if it’s not as cold as I’d like, it should help with the swelling some. Plus you need to stay hydrated out there.”

“Thank you, Viper-senpai.” You nod, keeping your eyes down.

“And Prefect?” He squeezes your shoulder, voice lowering only a fraction. “I am truly sorry about this. All of this. It will not happen again, you have my word.”

It would’ve been a nice apology, had you not caught a glimpse of a smirk on his face.

You nod, making sure not to outwardly react to that or to the way the whispers of the other Scarabia students turn from the condemnation of their dorm head to the exaltation of the vice dorm head. You begin following the tracks in the sand back to the main dorm.

The sun beats down on your back as you take a swig from the skein and pass it to Grim to drink from. He’s still grumbling about how you should’ve let him recreate his rampage at the entrance ceremony.

For your part, the distance and good company have let you pull yourself out of that headspace enough that you can try and look back objectively on what happened.

Your mind keeps circling back around to one question: why did Asim-senpai hit you?

Based on your interactions before this, Asim-senpai doesn’t seem to be the type to resort to physical violence as a first response, or even a last one. Which means something in your question likely backed him into a corner enough that the normally pacifistic dorm head felt lashing out physically was the only way to get you to stop.

...Like the fact that he couldn’t answer it?

Even when screaming abuse at you, his ultimate response was that he wouldn’t explain himself to you. Is that because he didn’t want to? Or because he couldn’t? Does Asim-senpai himself not know the reasons behind his own actions? But how can someone act without knowing or meaning to, without being under the influence somehow?

Under the influence.

People acted without knowing or meaning to thanks to being under the influence of Buchie-senpai’s Unique Magic during the Magift incident. But he went home, you saw him leave, so what...?

You pull out your notebook, flipping through the pages with sweaty hands until you get to your records of the testimonies from the incident. You scan through the testimonies from Scarabia students, hoping to find something, anything—

Oh.

Oh.

“Motherfucker.” You hiss, staring at the page in dismay. You are an idiot. You are the biggest idiot, you make Deuce look like a genuis, how could you forget about this?? It was only the key testimony that helped pinpoint Buchie-senpai and Savannahclaw as the culprits behind the injuries. And it explains so much— why you kept agreeing to stay here despite wanting to go back to Ramshackle so desperately, almost like your mouth was speaking without your consent.

“Minion?” Grim asks, pushing the water skein back onto you. “What’s wrong?”

You snap your notebook shut and slide it back into your pocket, taking another fortifying swig from the skein. “Grim? Think we can get back soon enough to work on the escape route in our room before the others arrive back for lunch?”

“If we pick up the pace a bit, yeah.” He hops back onto your shoulder. “But what’s the rush? We have all night tonight to work on it.”

“Let’s just say the sooner we can get out of here, the better.” You mutter, cogs and gears turning in your head as a tentative plan begins to form.

This is not how you wanted to spend your winter break.

#my art #my writing #experimenting with combining the two! #twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland yuu #villainous paranoiac yuu #twst yuu #kalim al asim #twst kalim #jamil viper #twst jamil #twst grim #twisted wonderland grim #twst chapter 4 #was a Bad Time for Yuu #don’t imagine how guilty and horrified Kalim will be once he wakes up #and realizes he HURT the Prefect

[the-yancied-piper]

twig.

Summary: Eric never seemed okay after his father visited. He also never wanted to talk about it. Yancy decides to find out why. 

Notes: AU in which Eric Derekson is at Happy Trails, probably due to some terrible shit his dad had him framed him for (*coughs* basically my brain needed an excuse to put Yancy and Eric in the same setting so they can be SIBLINGS and also SOFT)

Words: 2,267

Pairings: none, but Yancy has unofficially adopted Eric

Warnings: verbal abuse; implied abuse (including Yancy); yelling; cursing; mentions of death

Tag list: @dorks-in-fiction @thunderstruck-owl-gal @ambigiousgelpens @beth-bunkus @a-tempest-in-a-teapot @thegirlwhoescapedgallifrey19

AO3 link: Read it here!

                                                 *     *     *     *     *

                Third Sunday. Visitation Day. Most of the inmates had somebody to see. Some of them didn’t.

                Technically, Yancy didn’t need to be at a booth. He knew nobody was coming for him. And Gerald, the notoriously sympathetic prison guard, knew that technically the inmates weren’t allowed at a booth unless somebody was already there to talk to them. But Yancy had insisted that he thought someone might come today, I haven’t seen my aunt in ages, and youse can never be too sure, and Gerald knew in his heart that Yancy’s aunt wouldn’t come, and that just crushed his little heart even more. How could he say no?

                So Yancy sat in his booth, staring at the glass pane in front of him. The phone to his right hung on the wall, untouched. Gerald was too easy to exploit. He didn’t even have an aunt.

                Ignoring the odd feeling in his chest at the collective hum of his friends laughing into their phones, flirting with their partners, and the occasional “I love you too”s, Yancy sat and tried to listen to the conversation happening five feet to his left. 

                “—didn’t mean it, I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really—please—please let me talk. I—“

                Eric’s thin voice quavered through the air, sounding as if it couldn’t quite get enough buoyancy to carry itself all the way to Yancy’s ears. He furrowed his brow. 

                Eric had only had a visitor twice since he’d arrived, but both those times, Yancy recalled, he’d gotten oddly quiet. After his first visit, he hadn’t wanted to look anyone in the eye. The second time, Yancy had casually asked who was visiting him and the kid nearly jumped out of his skin. He’d stammered out something about how happy he was to see his dad and gave a halting laugh that didn’t reach his eyes. Then he didn’t talk for three days. Yancy had filed that away in the ever-growing list of Things He Weren’t Too Sure He Liked About the Old Man. Now, he took note of the anxious voice in the adjacent booth.

                “I know, dad. I know. Please— I know it was my f—”  Eric kept halting, interrupted frequently by a crackly burst of static that rose and fell in pitch like a jagged line. His dad was yelling something, but Yancy couldn’t tell what. Furtively glancing around to make sure no eyes were on him, he carefully scooted his chair a few inches to the left.

                Eric’s sentences were incomplete and nearly incoherent, full of pleas and apologies. He seemed to be growing increasingly more breathless. Yancy could hear the wince in his voice every time that sharp burst came through the phone. He could just barely make out the words “disgrace” and “pathetic”. His fists clenched. He quietly moved another half foot, and the crackle took shape:

                “—day goes by where I don’t wonder where the hell I went wrong with you … never did a goddamn useful thing for me or ma … brothers would be ashamed to look at you and your … waste of time and energy, you ungrateful tard, no you let me talk … never listened to me, never could just fucking listen … your own fuckin’ fault you’re here, you piece of—”

                Eric’s halted breaths started to sound more like sobs, and Yancy decided he had heard just about enough. He shot up from his chair and started to move toward Eric when Gerald stepped in front of him.

                “Hey, where do you think you’re goin’? I don’t mean to be too stern, but visitations are one-on-one, personal business.”

                Yancy’s jaw twitched. “Don’tcha hear what’s happenin’? Look at Twig. Look at ‘im! He’s shakin’ like a… twig!” He pointed at Eric, whose reedy body was quaking with either fear or repressed sobs. It was hard to tell, but it didn’t matter. Yancy could see the man on the other side now, his face red and his mustached lip curled into a snarl.

                “I’m sorry, but you can’t just interrupt people’s precious time with their loved ones,” Gerald protested, putting an arm out. “That’s just not in our rules and it’s very rude, besides.”

                “Listen to what’s happenin’! Does he look like he’s enjoyin’ his ‘precious time’ with that asshole? Huh!?”

                “It’s not anybody’s business what people talk about in their private conversations—“

                “It’s my business, and that bastard ain’t makin’ nothing private. Twig. Twig! Four-Eyes!” Yancy shouted, trying to get Eric’s attention. The teen seemed paralyzed, transfixed on his dad’s furious face, his lips quivering but releasing no sound.

                “Hey now, keep your voice—hey—”

                “Eric!”

                Eric flinched and his head snapped to Yancy. “I—I, um,” he began to stammer, his eyes flitting back and forth between his tattooed friend and his father.

                “Yancy, you need to step back now,” Gerald said, getting visibly frustrated.

                “Eric, hang up that phone,” said Yancy. “Hang up.”

                “B-but, I—we’re—I can’t.”

                “Yes, you can.”

                “Yancy, step back.”

                “What’s he gonna do ta you? He can’t do nothin’. You hang up that phone.”

                “I…”

                “Yancy.”

                Mr. Derekson pounded his side of the glass with his fist and Eric jumped and whimpered. “Listen to me when I’m talking to you, you little…”

                Yancy felt a hand applying force to his chest and he slapped it away, marching forward. He snatched the phone from Eric’s white-knuckled grip and pressed it to his mouth, locking eyes with that bastard. “I’m the warden,” he growled through gritted teeth. “And your time is up.”

                “Wh— you can’t do that, I’m talking to my son—”

                Yancy slammed the phone into the receiver, still staring Eric’s father dead in the eye. His arm had protectively wrapped around Eric’s shoulder, and he gently squeezed it. “C’mon, Twig. C’mon.”

                Derek Derekson’s mouth worked uselessly for a few moments, and his tomato face turned even redder. Suddenly he began shouting expletives so loud, Yancy could hear him through the glass and he was certain the rest of the prisoners could too. He felt Eric trembling under his hand. “Hey. Let’s go. I know you got workin’ legs. Let’s go.”

                Eric tried to breathe, and got out of his chair. The two of them made to leave when they were halted by a distinctly not-Gerald prison guard with a stern expression.

                “You, sir, have violated Happy Trails’ visitation policy,” she said, pointing a finger in Yancy’s face, “and you hurt Gerald’s feelings. You are receiving an official reprimand—”

                “Hey, hey!” Yancy got in the guard’s face and pointed right back at her. “I violated nothin’, and youse ain’t givin’ me no reprimands, y’hear?”

                “Excuse me?”

                “You heard me,” Yancy yelled. “The only one violatin’ anything here is that fuckface violatin’ Twig’s sanity, and if any of youse had half a brain, that bastard would be in here and my lil’ bro would be out in the world livin’ a normal and happy life! You hear me? Fuck your reprimands. Let’s go, Twig.” He shouldered roughly past the guards, Eric in tow, ignoring the startled and curious heads that had turned in their direction.

                No words were exchanged on their way to the exercise yard. Yancy only heard Eric’s laboured breathing and thought of every way he could string Derek up from the rafters of a twenty-story apartment.

                The yard was mostly empty, save for two men speaking in hushed tones off to the side, and a few security guards dotting the perimeter. Many of the inmates were still having their visits, and those who weren’t opted to sleep in their cells. Yancy found a bench and sat Eric down. He saw tear tracks on the kid’s face and thought of Jimmy punching Derek through a brick wall. He kept his arm around his shoulder.

                They sat for an unspecified time while Eric breathed, and breathed. Yancy knew better than to keep track, or to try to force him to talk before he was ready.

                Sobs turned to gasps, and gasps to pants. Eventually, Eric let out a long, slow exhale. A deep breath, and another. He still trembled slightly, like a blade of grass just brushed by a breeze.

                “I’m—I’m sorry,” Eric said finally. “Sorry I didn’t hang up.”

                “Youse got nothin’ to be sorry about.” Yancy kept his voice soft. “I got a bit riled up in there, but it wasn’t ‘cause o’ you.” He turned to look at Eric’s face. “How you doin’?”

                Eric was silent for a few beats, his eyes fixed on nothing in the distance. “I don’t know.”

                “Hey. I told you I wouldn’t let nobody hurt you as long as you’re here. Remember that?”

                A few more beats. “Yeah.”

                “That includes your asshole dad. He don’t have to be in here to hurt you, and I don’t have to be out there to stop him from hurtin’ you. And… you don’t have to be out there either.”

                “H-huh?”

                “To stop him, I mean. You can hang up.”

                Eric opened his mouth to protest and Yancy squeezed his shoulder.

                “Yes, you can. That ain’t against no rules. You can always hang up. An’ if you can’t, just gimme a shout. I’ll hang up for you.”

                Eric took another deep breath. “Thank you.”

                “Don’ mention it.”

                They sat in silence. Yancy removed his arm and clasped his hands in front of him, absentmindedly tracing his tattoos and staring at the fence on the far end of the yard. He tried and failed not to think of what he’d heard Derek say, and the desperate way Eric fumbled to find words in the face of his rage. Pathetic. Waste of time and energy. Your own fuckin’ fault. Where had he heard those words before? he thought bitterly. He knew that rage. He knew that fear. He knew the way those words wormed their way into the deepest, most animal parts of the brain and coiled tightly around the ribs, the way they could poison a person from the inside out. He swallowed and calmed himself by thinking of Derek getting run over by a Jeep, repeatedly. The Jeep, in his mind’s eye, just happened to be situated around himself.

                “Hey, uh…” Yancy ventured after a few moments. “Your dad. He always talk to you like that?”

                Eric stared at his own hands. “Not—not all the time, but. Sometimes. A lot. Yeah.”

                Yancy nodded and ran a tongue along his teeth.

                “B-but,” Eric scrambled, “he’s not—we’re both.” A breath. “He lost everything too. Not just me. And I’m—I’m—he’s not in jail. I’m here. And he’s not. And everything’s really, really hard. B-because of me.”

                “Hey, now. Hey.” Yancy didn’t think anything was Eric’s fault for a damn second, and he blinked and saw his hands around that fat, veiny neck, squeezing—he blinked again, forcing himself to speak through the ringing in his ears. “You know what I think about all that.” 

                He didn’t, actually. Yancy had puzzled some pieces together and figured the kid’s narcissistic dad was to blame for most of what had happened to his family, but he’d refrained from shoving Eric into that reality. The first step was just trying to get him to see that he wasn’t as terrible and worthless as his dad had convinced him he was. He knew it would take more than his own opinion to change his mind, but hell. He had to do something.

                Eric cleared his throat. “Hey, um… when… you were yelling at security,” he ventured. “Did—I thought—it sounded like you said… brother...” He faltered.

                Fuck. Yancy felt himself tense. He had said that, hadn’t he?

                “L-little brother,” Eric supplied.

                “You, ah… you misheard.”

                “Oh.”

                Fuck. He scrambled to correct himself. “It was lil bro, if we’re gettin’ technical.” He turned to look at Eric, thin as a reed—twig. His Twig, who was currently blinking back tears. Yancy felt his brain fumble. He was supposed to make him feel at home, like family, and he was screwing it up. Your fault. Pathetic.

                “I miss my brothers so much,” Eric whispered, and Yancy’s brain shut up for a moment. Eric removed his glasses and pressed his fingers into his eyes. “I’ve never missed anyone so badly in my life.”

                Yancy swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat without permission. He watched Eric run a hand down his face and put his glasses back on.

                “But—Merrick was the nicest,” he continued. “I remember once… Sterick and Therick had put firecrackers in a dead mouse and set it off just to scare me. I got yelled at for it, cause they—they ran off, and there were bloodstains on my clean overalls, and… Merrick helped me clean up the mess. He never blamed me for anything, or blew up any rodents. He just helped me clean up. He washed my clothes for me. He swept up the barn. He did things like that a… a lot.”

                Eric looked at Yancy for the first time since they’d come outside. “You—you’re a lot like Merrick. I think you’d like him lots.”

                Yancy rubbed his neck and looked away, choosing to stare intently at a blade of grass. “Ah, I don’t… I don’t think I can match up to any o’ your brothers. Well. Some of ‘em, maybe. But,” he chuckled, “I’m just a regular scumbag lookin’ out for a lil’ twig who’d snap in two if someone weren’t watchin’ him.”

                A silence.

                Then a soft, “Thank you, Yance.”

                “Anytime, Twig.”

                And he meant it. 

#summary: my brain thought 'yancy and eric found family au' and went hog wild #yancy #eric derekson #ahwm #my writing #11 07 2019 #prison brothers au

[enbyleighlines]

Modern au drabble prompt - some sort of family celebration with the 'jin' sibs? I really liked the idea of them getting to grow up together in this version (no im not still crying over how they all ended in canon sssshhhhhh)

Absolutely! I would be delighted to write about the Jin siblings!

I also am always crying over how they ended up in canon! I just want good things for all of them! Jin Zixuan, especially, deserves all the love

I hope you enjoy this little Jin sib drabble~

—

Tonight, the Ouyang-Meng-Luo-Mo family is hosting a graduation celebration. More specifically, they’re celebrating Mo Hou earning a two-year university degree. At age 16, she had gotten pregnant, dropped out of high school, and got kicked out of her home, only to be taken in by her abusive older half-sister.

Now, seven years later, Mo Hou is celebrating her triumph over all the tragedies of her past. It involves a lot of wine and karaoke, and other things that thirteen-year-old Jin Zixuan doesn’t quite understand the appeal of.

This is why he is hunkered in the next room over, with his three siblings, and the three Jiang siblings.

They’re attempting to play a game of monopoly. It’s a little hard to concentrate, though, with all the whooping and hollering going on in the living room.

Still, there’s something comforting about the routine. The seven of them have become their own entity over the course of the last three years, like a street gang of child hooligans, but for the suburbs.

Jin Zixuan is the leader, although he’s only the second oldest. Jiang Yanli, who is the actual oldest, allows him to be in charge, because she has a crush on him.

Third oldest is Wei Wuxian, Jiang Yanli’s adoptive brother. Only five days younger is Jiang Cheng, Jiang Yanli’s brother by blood. Both of the boys are twelve, the same age as Meng Yao, Jin Zixuan’s first half-brother.

Second youngest is eleven year old Qin Su, Jin Zixuan’s half-sister. And last is little Mo Xuanyu, Jin Zixuan’s second half- brother, who is only nine.

Jiang Yanli is keeping track of the rules and the paper money.

Jin Zixuan is winning. It’s not like he has tough competition. Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng are playing as one team, and they keep making risky decisions that come back to bite them in the butt. Meng Yao and Qin Su make up another team, and they’re not taking any risks at all.

Mo Xuanyu is also technically on Jin Zixuan’s team, but he isn’t contributing anything to the game. He just silently clings to Jin Zixuan’s side like a baby koala.

After being sent to jail for a third time, Jiang Cheng loses his infamous temper. He attempts to throw his team’s stack of money down at the board, which only causes it to scatter every which way. “This game sucks,” he snaps, “Let’s play something else!”

“A-Cheng,” Jiang Yanli chastises, “There’s no reason to make a mess.”

“You’re such a sore loser,” Jin Zixuan says to Jiang Cheng, and then to Jiang Yanli, “You baby him too much.”

Both Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian bristle at that, equally offended.

Qin Su is already moving to tidy up the mess of papers. She hums as she works, a habit of stress masquerading as ditziness. “It’s okay,” she assures everyone, “It’s just a game. I was getting bored, anyway.”

“Always playing the peacemaker, A-Su,” Meng Yao teases, but he moves to help her sort the paper bills.

But Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian, ever the spoiled little brats, aren’t mollified.

“You think Jiejie babies us too much?” Jiang Cheng asks, in a low, threatening tone. “Or do you just not understand how being an older sibling works?”

“Jiang Cheng!” Yanli gasps.

Hot blood fills Jin Zixuan’s face. Unexpectedly, Jiang Cheng has hit something of a sore spot for him. He finds himself standing up.

Mo Xuanyu retreats, pressing closer to Meng Yao.

“That’s real mature,” Jin Zixuan says, “making fun of my family situation.” He feels the beginning of tears prickle his eyes, but he blinks them away. “How dare you.”

“A-Cheng, apologize!”

Jiang Cheng does not apologize. He gets to his own feet. “I wasn’t making fun of your family situation,” he doubles down, “I’m saying that you don’t know anything about being an oldest sibling!”

“Jiang Cheng has a point,” Wei Wuxian puts in, always coming to his adoptive brother’s side, “If Jiejie babies us, it’s only because she loves us!”

“Okay, okay, that’s enough,” Jiang Yanli desperately tries to calm everyone down.

“Are you saying I don’t love my siblings?” The words leave Jin Zixuan’s mouth before he can think them through. “Just— just because I don’t treat them like babies?”

“What’s going on in there?”

That comes from Yu Ziyuan, the Jiang siblings’s mother. She’s standing in the doorway, glowering in at all of them. Her rage does not discriminate between innocent and guilty, does not give a damn about “who started it”.

Everyone falls silent under her watchful eyes.

The silence is Yu Ziyuan’s desired reaction. She quirks a small, satisfied smile and says, “Good. That’s what I like to hear.” And then she leaves to rejoin the party.

But Jin Zixuan is still hurting. He gives the monopoly board a kick and rushes off down the hall towards his room.

Once there, he slams the door and throws himself onto his bed. He can’t stop the floodgates this time. Tears and snot gush liberally from his face as he sobs as hard as he can without making noise.

He can’t let the Jiang brothers hear him. They’ll never stop teasing him if they find out he’s crying like a baby.

It’s not his fault, he thinks to himself. He’s only been an oldest sibling for four years. Before then, he was an only child. Why should he know how being a sibling works?

But even to himself, it just sounds like a lame excuse. Meng Yao, Qin Su, and Mo Xuanyu are all in the same boat, but they all act like they’ve been siblings since birth. They like each other. They already have nicknames for each other, like A-Su, Yu-er, Er-gege, and A-jie.

Jin Zixuan presses his palms to his eyes and heaves noiseless, wet breaths into his bed sheets.

Maybe Jiang Cheng is right, he thinks. Maybe he isn’t meant to be an oldest sibling. Maybe he doesn’t know what that means. Maybe... maybe his siblings don’t even like him.

Jin Zixuan is only barely calming down when, ten minutes later, there is a tentative knock at his door.

Oh great, Jin Zixuan thinks. That must be Jiang Yanli.

She’s such a silly girl, with such an annoying, obvious crush. It gives Jin Zixuan second-hand embarrassment whenever he talks to her. It’s the last thing he needs.

But then a voice speaks through the door, and it’s not Jiang Yanli’s voice.

“Zixuan? Zixuan, can we come in?”

The voice belongs to Meng Yao, of all people. And... did he say ‘we’?

“Who’s we?” Jin Zixuan demands.

“Me, and A-Su, and Yu-er,” Meng Yao replies, “Just us three.”

His three siblings. Jin Zixuan hurriedly wipes his face dry on a pillow, and then tosses the soiled pillow aside. He sits on the edge of the bed, and steels his expression. “Come in.”

Meng Yao opens the door, and Qin Su and Mo Xuanyu rush forward. They both leap up onto Jin Zixuan’s bed, and huddle up close on either side, sandwiching him.

“You’re not a bad Da-gege,” Qin Su speaks first, “Jiang Cheng was wrong to say you’re a bad big sibling.”

Jin Zixuan freezes at the term. Qin Su usually only ever uses it at her mother’s insistence. Usually, he’s just plain old Jin Zixuan to her. Maybe ‘Zixuan’ by itself, if he’s lucky.

The sudden fear that Qin Su is being inauthentic crawls up Jin Zixuan’s spine. He pushes her away, but softly. “Since when do you call me ‘Da-gege’?”

Meng Yao heaves a great big sigh. “See, this is what Jiang Cheng meant.”

Jin Zixuan freezes. Meng Yao is usually so polite, that this sudden accusation throws him off guard. “What did you say?”

“I said Jiang Cheng was right,” Meng Yao repeats in no uncertain terms, “You don’t know how to be the oldest sibling. Your Meimei just called you Da-gege, and you push her away.”

“She didn’t mean it,” Jin Zixuan accuses.

“Yes, I did!” Qin Su actually sounds angry for once. “It’s just... you always look so mad when I call you that!”

“Me, too.” That comes from little Mo Xuanyu, who, even at the age of nine, rarely speaks. He’s a strange boy, even stranger than the ever-cheerful Qin Su or the eerily intelligent Meng Yao.

“Huh?” Jin Zixuan asks dumbly.

“I want you call you Da-gege,” Mo Xuanyu answers, mumbling as per usual.

“You... want to call me Da-gege?” Jin Zixuan looks from Mo Xuanyu to Qin Su. It sounds too good to be true. Surely they were just saying it to avoid angering their mothers, who are always afraid of being seen as a broken family.

But Meng Yao shares a different way of looking at things. “Why wouldn’t they?” He asks, “Aren’t you our Da-gege?”

Jin Zixuan scowls, but he doesn’t reply. He feels like he’s been put in his place, and he doesn’t like it. At the same time, though, he feels... happy. He’s happy to think that maybe his siblings actually DO like him.

“You can call me A-Su, if you want,” Qin Su adds, “or... at least call me Meimei!”

That last request hits Jin Zixuan like an electric shock. He stares at Qin Su. A thought enters his head for the first time. All this time, he’s been afraid that his siblings secretly don’t like him. Is it possible that they have been having the same doubts about him?

Jin Zixuan takes in a deep breath, and forces himself not to tear up again. “Okay,” he says, “I’ll... I’ll call you A-Su from now on.”

“And me!” Mo Xuanyu pleads, grabbing onto his arm and tugging. “Call me Yu-er!”

“Okay,” Jin Zixuan says, dazed, “Yu-er.”

Mo Xuanyu beams, showing off his missing front teeth. He lost them a couple of days ago after running into a tree, playing tag with Qin Su. It somehow makes him look more like himself, in a weird way.

“And you can call me whatever you want to call me,” Meng Yao pipes in, “I would like to call you Da-ge, myself.”

Jin Zixuan watches Meng Yao, taken aback. But he is often confused by the things that Meng Yao says. They are exactly one year apart in age, as they share the same birthday. But Meng Yao seems older, somehow, like he was meant to be born first.

“You should call him A-Yao,” Qin Su suggests, “That’s what his Mama calls him.”

“Only if he wants to,” Meng Yao insists.

Jin Zixuan is speechless for a moment. His throat is tightening, making it harder to breathe. He wants to say: Yes, of course I want to! But that would be childish, and Jin Zixuan is the oldest. He has to be a good example.

“I’ll call you A-Yao from now on,” Jin Zixuan decides.

Meng Yao smiles and nods his head once, in a strangely formal sort of way. “I would like that very much, Da-ge,” he replies.

Man, his siblings are so weird! Jin Zixuan looks from one to the other.

A-Yao acts so stiff, like he’s got the personality of an old man, wise beyond his years. A-Su is too quirky, too joyful, like she’s afraid the world will end if she allows herself to be sad for even a second. And little Yu-er is weirdly quiet, but clumsy, like he’s still learning how to walk.

Jin Zixuan isn’t mature enough yet to realize that their oddities come from trauma. He just knows that they’re strange, but they’re his, and he loves them.

So he gathers Qin Su and Mo Xuanyu closer, just for a moment, just to indulge in a quick thank-you hug.

And Meng Yao surprises Jin Zixuan yet again by stepping forward, and putting his arms around all of them. He buries his face into Qin Su’s hair, avoiding eye contact as he squeezes them all affectionately.

It’s not until later that Jin Zixuan figures out that Jiang Yanli encouraged his siblings to come and talk with him. That she always saw through his prideful outer skin, to the insecurities hidden below. She’s the one who explained to his siblings that they needed to make their thoughts and feelings obvious, in order to get them through his thick skull.

By that point, Jin Zixuan is in love with her. But that doesn’t happen until much later.

#asks #anon #anonymous #mo dao zu shi #drabbles #leigh’s writing #mdzs modern au

[estevand]

This is the woman Ive loved for 5 years. this was only 2 years into our relationship. I have had a rough life. Most of us all have. I lost my sister at 8 years old. I had to go through being judged for being a dark skinned kid with a white mother. The amount of times my family and I will be out somewhere and someone says to my mother “ Oh its so wonderful that you adopted all these kids” all because my one sister is full white and me and my other siblings arent Is fucking appalling. I was forced to drop out of highschool at 17. I’ve never had a father figure. After my sister died he tried to come back. and after my sister died my mom just emotionally and mentally gave up. my stepdad was an abusive alcoholic. and my mother has been a very non faithful woman to every man she dated after my step dad. Theres honestly so much more to talk about but theres no point. Id be writing a fucking bible if i were. But this woman. This beautiful, crazy, caring, selfless, goofy monument of a woman. She is the reason I have kept myself out of trouble. I was not in a good place when we met. I was hanging out with the wrong people. I was doing xanax everyday. multiple bars a day sometimes. I was such a lost soul just searching for a purpose. I had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to do with my life. I felt worthless. I had a job but that didnt mean anything to me. Ive always been the outcast. Ive always kept to myself and been a very shy person. But when I met her, The feeling of worthlessness was gone. We met at cheerleading. We both did competitive cheerleading at the same gym. When I first saw her walk in the gym I remember I looked to my friend Jared. I looked at him and said “ who the hell is that” and he looked at me and just laughed. We both knew she was out of my league, and there was no way that she would even give me the time of day. She walked with this aura. By aura I mean she had an atmosphere to her. When she would walk past me I would just have this gut feeling. I knew she was everything I ever wanted in a woman. She was stunning. Just the way she walked around the gym. It was almost like she knew that my eyes were constantly on her. I was just struck by this sense of “You NEED to be MINE”. I still remember the first time we kissed. We weren’t dating. We were at a competition in D.C. we were in the bleachers watching other teams perform. The smell of Aquanet, and cheap shitty convention center food in the air. Me and her friend who was also on our team. I remember the lights from the stage shining back towards us every couple seconds. I timed it so every time the light came back to us I would quickly stare at her. It wasnt because it was dark. It wasnt because of how her cheer makeup was done. Every time I looked at her I felt home. I couldnt help but stare at the beauty literally shining off of her. The way she looked off into the distance, just made me so love struck. It was like I was discovering a new emotion. I thought I had loved previous girlfriends before. But this was real. I remember her looking away. I got closer to her. I cant remember What I actually said but I remember catching her off guard. I leaned in and she just was ready for it just as I was. When our lips touched it was other worldly. the feelings I got I had never felt with anyone. Thats when I knew. I knew I was going to be with her forever. we became best friends before we even started dating. We were so comfortable with each other it was insane. I mean for 3 years straight we were inseparable. We both moved out together. I was her first boyfriend. She was my first real girlfriend. We were so in love. So happy. Now I’m alone and terrified. I fucked up multiple times in our relationship. I watched my mother cheat on every man shes ever been with. I cheated. I still dont know why. Maybe it was me being so selfish because I had everything I wanted. Maybe it was because I watched my mother cheat on every man she dated. Maybe its because Im actually fucking stupid. I dont know. What I do know is theres no excuse for it. I gave up my perfect relationship. The woman that gave me my first born child. for someone who I never wouldve even looked twice at if i passed them on the street. I had no idea what I had. I’ve now spent months working to get my relationship with her back on track. When she left me I wasnt just broken hearted. I was dead. Literally emotionally dead. I had no feelings for anyone or anything. I tried doing everything I do to make me happy. I tried playing video games, I tried working out, I tried playing music. Nothing could over come the feeling of self hatred and self humiliation. But than I sat there and thought to myself. This is what I made her feel. She did nothing to me to make me cheat. I broke her god damn heart. The woman that I promised my late sister that I would never hurt. I destroyed her trust for me. no matter how much I try to prove to her shell never be able to look at me the same. Im still the same person. I just fucked up and wasnt grateful for what I had. I’ve been living with this demon weighing on me. Knowing I did what I did. something I promised myself that I would never do. I did it to the one person that actually mattered to me. It’s so hard having to try and rebuild what I had with her because I know deep down the only reason she is even giving me a chance to try and be anything with her again is because we have a kid together. Ive prayed so much just hoping that god will help me. I didnt even believe in god until I met her. But she changed that. just like how she changed my whole life, I want nothing more than to be back together and be a family again. its so fucking disappointing. Knowing that I’m that scumbag. But I’m a human. I’m learning everyday and growing everyday. I want to be the man she can trust. I want to be the man that she knows I am. And most importantly I want my son to have two loving parents that love each other to no limits. I just need her back in my life. Even if she decides to tell me she can never be with me again. I’ll accept it. Even tho I’m gonna be devastated. I’ll accept. Because at the end of the day thats the girl I love. If shes gonna be happy with someone else unfortunately thats what i want for her. I guess thats how you know our love was real. Because even if she was with someone else I’d still love her like i did 5 years ago. Id still love her like I did a year ago, a month ago, a week ago. Id still love her like I do now. But I want her happy. If she cant be happy with me than the choice is already made. so for now I’ll keep praying. Ill keep on the path im on working and trying to get our relationship mended. All I want is to have the love of my life back. I’ve realized the things I’ve done wrong. And I just want to fix it. 

#cheerleading #feelings #journal #help #mentallhealth #love #relationship

[michael-hearteyes-wheeler]

Bad Brains

[1] [2] [3] [4]

Chapter 5: Authority-Shmority

(AO3) (FF.net)

November 30th, 1987

If there was one thing that El learned while growing up in the city, it was always question authority.

Back in the group home, El had befriended a wild child named Kali. They became bunk mates,  partners in crime, and sisters. Kali was a bit older, and she took El under her wing. She was assertive, and demanded attention simply by entering a room. El would never forget the way she walked straight up to her on her first day while she cried alone on her bunk.

‘Don't waste your time crying over people who don’t deserve it. You are better than them, and that's why you’re here.’

From that moment on they were inseparable. Kali gave her the nickname El, but they soon called each other by their first names (and were the only foster kids to do so) because they knew that they would be in each others lives forever. She showed all of the best places in the city, she taught her how to steal candy without getting caught, all about the patriarchy, and the punk rock gospel.

When Kali got a bit older, she found a group of like minded people living on the streets and she convinced El to to run away and join them. For awhile it seemed like a good decision. They drove around in a cozy van, they slept in an abandoned warehouse, and protected each other. In a lot of ways, it was the most exciting time in Els life. They would vandalise buildings and train cars, they stole from war criminal oil tycoons to give back to the poor, they went to shows and spread their message everywhere they could. There was a political revolution happening on the streets, and El had a front row seat.

That was until her new found gang decided to take it too far.

Kali wanted revenge on the people responsible for the abuse she had been through, the abuse that they had all been through. While her anger was fully justified, it just felt wrong. It started with robbery, then moved to forgery, then arson, and before long even that wasn't enough to satisfy Kali’s rage. She wanted them dead.

It was when they broke into one man's home, that El finally decided enough was enough. She watched the way he struggled and begged for his life while he stared down the barrel of Kali’s gun. She saw the terror in the eyes of his daughters in the next room, and she saw the lust for blood in Kali’s. So she bailed. She caught a late night bus back to the warehouse they hid out in, and waited for them to come home. She knew they would be pissed, but at least her conscious would be clear knowing she wasn't around to watch Kali pull the trigger.

But they never came back.

She spent the night alone. Then another, and another, until the days turned into weeks. She was out of food and nearly frozen to death by the time the cops raided the building. That's when Hopper found her, and that's when her new life started.

After that, is was a blur of hospital stays, legal documents, court rooms, and then packing up what little things she had and moving in with Hopper. He let her buy new clothes, and bought her her very own walkman, and when they moved to Hawkins she got to have her own room for the first time in her entire life. Her counselor had said it was a miracle that she was adjusting so well, and that most kids in her situation would be either junkies, psychopaths, or both.

But El was a fighter. She was strong, and she refused to let her past dictate her future. She resented Kali for leaving her, but she understood why. She was a traitor, and hardly any better than the criminals that Kali fought. But she would never forget the lessons Kali taught her, about sticking up for the little guy, fighting injustice, and defending your beliefs at all times. For El it wasn't just about being angry, or loud music, or ripped clothes, it was a mindset based on making change for the better no matter what the cost.

Even now in Hawkins, El’s aggressive political attitude didn't change. Hawkins was painfully behind the times socially, and she wasn't about to let it slide. She rarely spoke up in class unless it was to tell off some sexist asshole in English, or argue the merits of women in history, or join in a heated political debate in social studies.

Or, as was the case today, telling her Gym teacher that is was, in fact, ‘total bullshit’ to make the girls scrub down the gym equipment in the musty old storage closet, while the boys got to run the track outside on one of the few nice days they had had in weeks.

“You should be grateful, girly.” Sneered a very smug Mr. Meloney, a heavy set man with beady little eyes and permanent bad breath. “You get the easy end of the deal. Someone's gotta clean the equipment, and don't curse at me.”

“But that is bullshit! I don't care about getting the ‘easy’ way out! It’s not fair, or right! Why don't we all clean, and then we can all go outside after?” She hissed, raising her voice. Most of the boys in class groaned, it was just another one of the freak girls stupid rants, but several of the girls hollered their approval.

“I said not to curse at me! If I hear one more thing out of you it's going to be detention. Now why don't you go sit on the bleachers and fix your makeup, looks like you have a god damn black eye.” He pointed a finger at her and several of the boys laughed.

She felt her blood start to boil, he had gone to far. She took a tentative step towards him and balled her fists. “I should give you a black eye.” She hissed through her teeth, her rage welling up into her throat. She reeled back and spit at him. “Fucking pig.”

Several of the girls behind her cheered. Mr. Maloney was a known creep. He made all of the girls feel uncomfortable and often treated them like garbage, clearly just because of their gender and his own sick issues. It was honestly a relief that someone like El started standing up to him.

“That is it Hopper!” He grabbed Els wrist and drug her out into the hallway, she squirmed but his grip was tight and it felt like it was going to leave a gnarly bruise. “Get your ass to the principal's office before I kick it there.”

She finally managed to jerk herself free and stomped to the front office of the school. She was going to be in deep shit when she got home but she couldn't help it. It was the right thing to do, and she wasn't about to let that perv slide.

She spent the rest of the period in the principal's office silently fuming as she was written up for detention, and Hopper was called.

At least her friends were supportive.

“You should have kicked him in the crotch.” Dustin said with his mouth full of sandwich.

“Yeah! Or actually punched him that would have been great!” Lucas agreed laughing.

“He's lucky I didn't. I wanted to, but that probably would have gotten me expelled.” El sighed.

“God he is such a creep.” Max shuddered. “He totally checks out all of the girls when they jog. It's disgusting.”

“He does!?” Mike and Will gasped in unison. El and Max both nodded with a grimace.

“That's what happens when you have a position of authority.” El shrugged. “Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Even stupid gym teachers.” She stabbed at her poor excuse for a salad, not really feeling hungry.

“What does that mean?” Dustin asked dumbfoundedly.

“It's a famous quote from British politician, Lord Acton.” Max answered nonchalantly. The boys turned to her sharply as if she had just spoken another language. “What? El talks about this stuff a lot. I thought you guys were supposed to be the smart ones.”

“It means that when you have authority you are likely to abuse it because no one can stop you. It's why most politicians are liars, and most teachers are assholes.” El added.

They all nodded and mumbled in agreement. It was kind of funny, watching El slowly open their eyes to the underground political agenda.

But her cop father was another story.

She knew the entire walk home that she was going to get an earful when Jim got off work. Until then, she was going to listen to music as loud as her speakers would allow and let off some steam from her shitty day.

She was sitting on the couch reading a magazine when he got home. Her stereo was blasting The Runaways, so she didn't hear him pull up, or walk inside, or stomp into the living room until he was looming above her. She jolted upright when he stomped to her stereo and shut it off without a word.

“Hey!” She yelled.

“Don't hey me! I have told you a thousand times not to listen to that crap that loud.” He was furious.

“God chill! I'm sorry, okay?” His tone, and her bad day put her in an argumentative mood.

“Chill? I get a call at work that you get detention and you want me to chill?”

“It wasn't my fault!”

“Oh it wasn't your fault huh? You call your teacher a ‘fucking pig’ and it wasn't your fault?” He was still towering above her.

“No! Because he was being a pig! He is a total perv and a dirtbag and I wasn't going to take any of his crap anymore!” She stood up, still much to short to be at his eye level, but staring daggers at him.

“Look, kid, you are in the real world now. And in the real world you can't just go around cursing and spitting at people like some kind of little street brat!”

“The real world!? As if I have been living some charmed fantasy life up until this point!? Give me a break!” She felt angry tears brimming in her eyes.

“That girl you used to pal around with filled your head with a lot of garbage ideas! You need to grow up!” He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. “Grow the hell up!”

“Get the fuck off of me!” She ripped out of his grasp and stomped up to her room, but he was close on her heels. She turned to slam her door but he stuck his arm in just in time to catch it.

“Don't walk away from me when I am talking to you! This is exactly what im talking about. You like to play pretend that you are this angry punk but you just run away from your problems! You are never going to get anywhere in this world if you dont drop the act and own up to your mistakes.” His words cut deep into her like a knife. He was right, all she ever did was run away.

Run away from her abusive father, run away from the foster home, run away from Kali, and run away to Hawkins. She wasn't tough at all, no matter how much makeup she hid under, no matter how thick her leather jacket was, or how strong her ideals were. Inside she was still just a scared little girl. So while he yelled at her, for the first time, she just stayed quiet and listened. Hot tears streamed down her face as she took his beratement.

“You are grounded for two weeks. That means no TV, no stereo-” He turned and ripped her boombox from the wall. “And no going out with your friends. You are going to go to school, and come home and study and get over this bullshit. Do I make myself clear?” He got in her face again and she turned to avoid his glare.

“I said, do I make myself clear!?” He yelled. She turned to face him, long streaks of black mascara running down her face.

“Yes.” Her voice was like ice.

He said nothing as he turned around and slammed her door closed behind him, her stereo in hand. She flopped back on her bed and pulled a pillow over her face so she could scream into it. She wanted to badly to go downstairs and yell at him some more, she had so much more to say, but she knew none of it would change anything.

So instead she just stared up at the ceiling for hours. Thinking over all of the things she hasn't let herself think about in a long time.

‘Where is Kali? I hope she is okay. Im sure she must hate me, but I would give anything to see her right now. No one understood me the way she did.

All I ever do is run away. Run away so no one can leave me first. So no one realizes that I am worthless. Worthless and unlovable.’

It started getting dark, and as the sun set it became clear that Hopper wasn't going to be making dinner. She didn't want to see him anyway. She felt like she was going crazy. She jumped off her bed and stormed back and forth, the anxiety in her gut rising and pulsing, not letting her sit down. Usually she could just tune her feelings out with music, or a movie, or a long walk through town.

‘That's it!’

She threw on a warm grey sweater and strapped on her favorite boots. She flipped the light in her room off so that he would think she was sleeping and she locked the door on her way out. She silently opened her window and perched herself on its edge, feeling the cool air wrap around her. Lucky for her there was a small potting shed just under window that she could use to jump onto, and from there it was only a slight drop to the ground. She set of in the direction of Max’s house, wishing more than anything she had taken up her offer to learn how to skate. It wasn't too bad of a walk, but it was cold and dark.

‘At least I don't have to worry about getting stabbed out here in the sticks.’ She chuckled to herself, wrapping her arms tightly around herself and pressing forward.

It was a little after 10:00pm when she arrived at the Mayfield house. She could hear the usual sounds of Billy, Max's brother, and her step dad arguing inside, but luck for her, Max’s bedroom light was on. She grabbed a handful of pebbles and tossed them up at the girls window.

A few second later Max was sticking her head out into the night air and looked around he darkness.

“Lucas?” Max asked in a harsh whisper. El burst out laughing and stepped into the light.

“Sorry to disappoint you.” El chortled. “Does he come throw rocks at your window often?”

“Ugh, no shut up!” Max rolled her eyes, blushing furiously. “Why are you here?”

“Hopper grounded me, so naturally I snuck out. Lets go to the park or something.” El kicked the grass and smirked.

“Oh shit dude that sucks.” Max shook her head. “Okay yeah let me get my jacket.” her head disappeared from the window, and a few moments later she was back, tossing her skateboard out and jumping down from her window.

They walked to the nearby park, well, if you could call it a park. It was really just a few swings, a small set of rusty monkey bars, and a big dusty baseball diamond, but it was all they had available. Max and El jumped up on the swings, Max kicked off with great force, sending her soaring through the cool air. El just sat, kicking at the dirt and lighting up a cigarette.

“Max, why does everything suck so much?” El griped, exhaling softly into the air.

“No clue. It’s like a global conspiracy.” Max chuckled, her voice raising and lowering in volume as she zoomed back and forth.

“If by global conspiracy you mean thousands of years of patriarchy then yeah, pretty much.” El leaned against the cold metal chain of her swing and took another long drag.

“Hey, I think I have an idea.” Max said digging her feet into the dirt bellow and kicking up bark chips and dust, skidding to a stop.

“What's that?” El said exhaling another long breath of smoke.

“I'll bet the boys have never snuck out before.” Her face was turned up in the signature ‘Madmax’ devilish grin.

“So?”

“So let's get them to sneak out with us!”

“I doubt they will be down for that.” El sighed, stifling the end of her cigarette against the chain.

“Please. Lucas and Dustin will do anything to prove they aren't dorks. Plus Will is kind of always up for anything, and I know seeing Mike would make you feel better!” Max swung sideways bumping into El. A faint smile flashed across Els face, and before she had time to think of a rebuttal Max was pulling her by the hand in the direction of the Sinclair house.

All it took was one well thrown pebble, and Max waving to get Lucas to climb down off of his roof and join the girls. He seemed practically giddy (and like this wasn't his first time scaling his roof to get down). He had his Supercom and he used it to call Mike and Dustin. Dustin called Will and within the span of less than half an hour, all six teenagers were congregated back at the park.

Max and Lucas decided to race each other to the top of the monkey bars. A challenge that Max quickly won with little effort. Her and Lucas got lost in conversation from their perch, giggling and whispers about who knows what as the rest of the party milled around the field.

Will and Dustin were deep in a debate about some X-men character, and running around the field reenacting scenes like proper geeks.

Mike and El made their way to the swings and seeing him really did make her feel better. Being around her friends always made her feel better because they were the first friends she had that didn't make her feel like she had to prove something just to be close with them. If anything it seemed the opposite. It was always the boys trying to show off and prove they weren't just small town nerds, and it was kind of endearing.

“Hey El?” Will asked from across the dirt playground. “Who do you think is more likely to be a secret superhero? Henry Rollins or Glen Danzig?”

El snorted, surprised by the question. She admittedly didn't know a lot about superheros, but she did know that the lead singers of Black Flag and The Misfits respectively were some of the toughest guys in the music scene.

“Definitely Danzig. He probably has like demon superpowers. Did you know he is only 5’ 3”?”

“Holy crap really? That shorter than I am!” Will belly laughed.

“And just like you he is tiny but powerful.” El giggled

Dustin and Mike watched them like they were speaking in tongues, but it was nice having someone to talk to about stuff like this. She never would have guessed she would find someone with decent music taste in farm country. Thank god for Will Byers.

After the riveting talk wore down, it became apparent that Will really was out of his comfort zone. So much for being ‘up for anything’. As it got later, despite his clear discomfort, Will was pretending not to be freaked out by every noise, and car that drove past. And why he was asking for the hundredth time if they were ‘ sure everything was going to be fine’.

“God yes Will! We aren't going to get in trouble!” Dustin sighed rubbing his brow. While everyone else seemed to be enjoying the thrill of being out after dark, the Byers boy was a nervous wreck.

“You can't know that! I'm just going to bike home before my mom or Jonathan knows i'm gone.” Will zipped up his coat and hoisted his backpack over his shoulder.

“You shouldn't go home by yourself this time of night.” Max hollered from her place on top of the monkey bars. “There are weirdos out this late.” She snickered, throwing Will an unnerving expression.

“Really?” Will asked, gripping his bike handles and looking terrified.

“No not really, Max is just trying to scare you.” Mike rolled his eyes, throwing the giggling girl an accusing glare. “But it's probably more safe if I go with you.” He reluctantly moved to stand up, but before he could, Dustin beat him to it.

“I'll go home with you. I live closer.” He sighed, mounting his own Bike. He and Will clicked the small duct taped head lanterns on. “And besides, I don't want to be the fifth wheel.”

“Um well, bye guys!” Will smiled, clearly relieved to be getting home.

“See you later, little Danzig.” El chuckled.

Everyone watched in silence was the two boys peddled off, trying not to think about the implications of Dustin's ‘fifth wheel’ comment.

“Well alright!” Max hollered, jumping off of the monkey bars in a swift leap. “I want to walk around the track.”

“I'll come with you!” Lucas said, a huge grin spreading across his face as he climbed down. His descent was just as graceful as hers, and in seconds he was jogging to keep up with Max as she sauntered towards the distant baseball diamond.

El and Mike watched them leave, and became aware of the silence hanging in the air.

“I guess they are probably going to like... Makeout or whatever.” Mike chuckled nervously.

El giggled and nodded. “Yeah probably. You know earlier, when I knocked on her window, she thought I was Lucas. I think they do this a lot.”

“Jeez.” Mike rubbed his neck. “I guess that makes sense, I always thought Lucas would be the first one of us to...” He cut his sentence short, feeling suddenly overwhelmed with embarrassment.

“To what?” El asked curiously.

“To... you know...” He kicked at the dirt. “Like kiss a girl.”

El turned to him sharply, eyes wide with surprise. “Wait... none of you have ever kissed anyone?” She gaped.

Mikes face turned a deep scarlet and he cleared his throat nervously. “No not really. Dustin said that he kissed some girl at summer camp last year but I think he is full of shit. It's not like girls are really into the whole dork thing.” He gestured to himself, forcing an awkward smile.

El was genuinely shocked. Granted, she had never kissed anyone either, but that was mostly by choice. She looked at him and searched for the right thing to say, but she just found it so inconceivable.

‘How could anyone not want to kiss Mike? Dork or not.’

“Well it's not like a big deal or anything, to not be kissed.” She cringed at her own words. “It's probably not even that great.”

“Yeah. Probably not.” They both chuckled dryly in the tension of the situation. Then what she said dawned on him. “Wait, you have never kissed anyone either?”

“Nope. No one has ever been cool enough to deserve it.” El giggled. It wasn't the entire truth, a big part of her never having dated anyone lay in the fact that she was terrified of opening up to someone else, but everyone being lame was a large factor as well.

Mike chuckled with her, and looked up to catch Els glaze, she was wearing a similar blush to his own and he felt the sudden urge to move closer to her.

El shifted on the swing seat, feeling compelled to move in closer as well. The pale moonlight beamed across Mikes dark eyes and freckles, making him look incredibly beautiful. She felt her heart catch in her throat as they moved even closer.

They were close enough now that Mike could feel the heat coming off of her body. Her hair was firmly slicked back to way it usually was, but her walk had shaken several of her curls loose and they twisted around her cheeks and ears. That, combined with the oversized grey sweater she was wearing made her look so soft and warm.

They were only inches apart now. They both hitched their breath, suddenly hyper aware of everything that was happening. Every sound, every breath, the whistle of the wind, the blue moon light, every slight movement towards the other. El’s eyes fluttered closed, as Mike tilted his head in towards her. She could feel his shaky breathe on her lips, and she realized he was just as nervous as her.

‘I can't believe it! I'm about to have my first Kiss! And with Mike Wheeler!’

But then something ripped through the silence.

Just as they were about to close the small space between them, Max and Lucas’s laughter filled the night, and they both jumped apart. The chains on their swings groaning from the movement. Lucas and Max came running from the far side of the field, Lucas trailing behind and both teens squealing. It didn't seem like they had seen anything, they were far too preoccupied in whatever nauseating form of couples tag they were playing.

Mike jumped up from the swing and smoothed out his shirt nervously. He was still sporting a deep red blush and a slightly goofy smile. El was sure she didn't look any better. Her stomach felt warm and like it was twisting itself into knots, she couldn't look him in the eyes.

“Lucas Im going to kick your ass!” Max laughed as Lucas, finally catching up to her, picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. Max slapped at his back but she was laughing too hard to actually be much of a fight.

He set her down once they reached the park again and she punched him hard in the arm. The couple walked over the the swings, both of their faces plastered with huge grins.

“Okay kids, I think it's time to go home.” Max said, slapping an arm down on Els shoulder. El sighed, her nerves still racing from her almost-kiss. Max was probably right, it was getting late and they did have school tomorrow morning.

The boys grabbed their bikes and everyone walked out to the road. While they did not live anywhere near each other, Max and Lucas both started walking off in the direction of Max's house.

“Um Lucas? Aren't you going home?” Mike scoffed at his friend.

“Uh... yeah I am I just want to make sure Max gets home safe.” Lucas and Max ginned bashfully at each other. “Because of the weirdos and stuff.”

The couple turned around and walked off again, trailing down Old Cherry Road and into the darkness of the night. Even when El couldn't see them, she could hear Max’s boisterous laugh.

“They are such dweebs.” El chuckled.

“Yeah totally.” Mike sneered. They stood in silence for a moment, not wanting to part just yet. “I could... walk you home if you want.”

El beamed up at the shaggy dark haired boy and nodded. “That would be cool.” She tucked a curl behind her ear, quickly adding with sarcasm; “So that the weirdos don't get me.”

They walked slowly down the hill towards the quiet side of town that El lived on. Mike pushed his bike next to him, hands gripped the handle bars. They both stole glances at each other, each time making them quickly look down at their feet. They walked almost the entire way in silence, both too completely lost in thought. El was still dazed that she had been so close to kissing someone, and she hoped he was thinking the same things. Every time she looked over at him her heart thumped loudly in her chest. She wanted to kick herself for being so gushy over him but she just couldn't help it, he was the sweet nerdy boy of her dreams.

In only 20 minutes, an unfortunately short walk, they reached Els home.  The lights were off inside, meaning Hopper had gone to bed. Mike didn't know what he had been expecting, but this cozy little farmhouse on the end of the quaint road wasn't it. El was just too surreal to live somewhere so... normal. They stood under the streetlamp for a moment, Mike marveling at the way she looked while bathed in yellow light, and El not wanting to walk away from him just yet. It was a strange feeling, like some kind of gravitational pull keeping her glued to her spot whenever he was near.

Eventually she figured she should say something. “Well this is me.”

‘I am such an idiot! He knows this is my house he just walked me here!’

“It's nice.” Mike said, hoping to drag the conversation out as long as possible.

“I guess i'll see you at school tomorrow?” She asked, looking at the ground.

“Yeah!” He said a little to enthusiastically. “Um... thanks for asking us to sneak out. I had a lot of fun.”

“I had fun too. Maybe you should start sneaking out more often, live on the wild side a little bit.” She said sarcastically. “Maybe you could even come throw pebbles at my window.”

Mikes eyes went wide and he suppressed the urge to smile like a dope. “Uh yeah! And maybe we can run around acting like dweebs like Max and Lucas.”

El giggled, trying to act apathetic, but desperately wishing he was serious. “Totally! And maybe next time i'll get to walk you home.”

“I would like that.” Mike smiled.

Suddenly it became apparent that they were standing just inches apart again. El felt her heart beating in her chest, and in an impulse she took another step forward, so close that they were practically embracing.

Mike looked down at her, and his voice caught in his throat. He wanted to tell her how much he liked her. How much fun she was to spend time with, how happy she made him, how he felt like he was alive whenever they hung out. But he just stared at her. Her beauty, her warm hazel eyes, her loose caramel curls, her soft rosy skin. She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Even more than that, she was the most amazing girl he had ever met.

On impulse, acting against every instinct he normally would have had, he reached out and put a gentle hand on her cheek, cupping her face. Their sudden proximity made him feel almost dizzy, but everything about her made him feel dizzy. He let his bike drop to the road, and he placed his other palm lightly on her side.

El was stunned. She wanted him so badly to kiss her, but he didnt move. She wrapped her arms around his shoulder and inched even closer. It felt like an eternity as they held each other, and she realized that if anyone was going to make the move it was going to be her.

So she moved ever closer, and just as she was about to go in for the kill, he spoke.

“El?” His voice was a whisper, his breathe warm on her skin.

“Yes?” She leaned in closer.

“I... never gave you back your mixed tape.” He said it like some kind of admission of guilt.

El let out a sudden, short laugh in surprise and stepped back a bit. Her face quirked up in a half grimace, half astonished glower. “Oh... Um, It's fine. Thank you for remembering... I guess.”

“Uh yeah... sorry I kept it so long.” He fished it out of his pocket. “It was pretty good by the way. I mean I only got to listen to it once before my little sister stole my tape player.” He rubbed the back of his neck and cough awkwardly.

“I'm glad you liked it. I'll have to make you another one sometime.” El let herself frown fully. Had she misread the entire interaction? Was he really only concerned with her mixed tape? She wanted to punch herself for getting so flustered, and worked up and... hopeful.

“Well... um... Have a good night.” Mike mumbeled, scuffing his shoes along the ground.

El creased her eyebrows at him. Maybe she had gotten a bit carried away, and maybe she had gotten ahead of the situation, but she was damn sure that they almost kissed. Twice! She wasn't going to let him get away so easily.

She turned to face him straight up and down, and looked at him intently. “Mike. I like you.” He looked up at her with wide eyes, as if he had seen a ghost. “I mean it. I think you are nice, and sweet, and you care about people, which is super foreign to me. You make me laugh and you make me happy and I don't feel judged when i'm with you. I like you. A lot.”

“El...” He started, still bewildered.

‘Go ahead, tell me you don't feel the same way. Why would you?’

“El I like you too. A lot. You are so smart and amazing, and awesome. You don't let people push you around, or push me and the guys around. You are so strong even though you have dealt with a lot, and you are so so crazy intelligent. You know so much about things I had never even heard of. I like you so much.”

“Wow...” She breathed, not meaning to say it out loud, but realizing she had when he blushed.

El walked forward, and wrapped her arms around him in a sweet, yet encompassing hug. After a while they stepped apart, but remained close enough to feel each others warm breath as it clouded in the evening air.

“Wow to you too.” He Smirked. She punched him in the arm lightly, making them both laugh. She still wanted to kiss him, more than anything she wanted to kiss him, but there would be time for that another day.

El reached out and grabbed his hand, musing over how nice it was to watch the way their fingers laced together. “Goodnight Mike. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight El.” He squeezed her hand softly for a moment before mounting his bike and driving away in the direction of home. The whole way, smiling like the biggest dopey, dweeb anyone had ever seen. He understood every part of the face Lucas had made when he rejoined them on the park. He was head over heels for El Hopper, the Punk Rock badass from Chicago.

El watched him ride away, waiting until he was out of sight before she walked to her house. She decided to use the front door, assuming it would be much quieter than trying to clamber back up to her window. Her house was silent, but her ears were still ringing with the beating in her chest. She layed back down in her bed, and for the second time that day she muffled a shriek into her pillow.

Only this time, it was a scream of joy. Pure, innocent, unfaltering, heart-swelling, joy. She was head over heels for Mike Wheeler, the kindhearted nerd from Hawkins.

Tagging:

@el-themage @mileventwentyfourseven

#badbrains #allie #mine #stranger things #stranger things 2 #strangerthings #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fanfic #mileven #mileven au #stranger things au #mileven fanfiction #mike wheeler #el hopper #eleven #eleven stranger things #jane hopp #eleven x mike #mike x eleven #lumax #lumax au #lumax fanfiction #max mayfield #lucas sinclair #lucas x max #max x lucas #will byers #dustin henderson #jim hopper #chief jim hopper

[letters-iwillnevergiveyou]

New Years Eve Bulls7$*t

Dec. 31 2018

    So you did the unthinkable, the unimaginable. You actually left me on New Years Eve at home by myself. I knew there was a big possibility this would happen. You said you had business to take care of but after I asked you not to leave me alone on New Years you ended up telling me you were staying home because I couldn't go with you to take care of this business. I don't understand you. You always tell me that but then I find out you pick up D.J. and she goes all over with you. So you leave me home alone constantly and take someone else with you, all while telling me you are alone. And you wonder why I can't trust you. You also said you were alone yesterday and couldn't call me. Come to find out that too was a lie. D.J. was with you. You could have called me all along you just didn't.

    Anyway getting off track. Tonight. We go to the post office to send off records I'm selling. My dead husbands records I might add. To help us fund this trip to Belize. You didn't get tracking numbers, or a receipt. I'm totally screwed. All these people are expecting a product and by a certain time. I'm already a month late because of you. You couldn't go back in and get the numbers because they closed. Then you take me to get food. Finally. I told you I was hungry at 12. It was after 6 by this time. Then we go home. You took your apartment key off the ring so I could get inside, telling me you were going to finish hooking up your stereo. I stupidly listened and believed you. After I went inside you took off. The only reason I knew is because I was using your mobile hotspot and when it disconnected I looked outside and you were gone. Now here I am with no phone, my boyfriend ditched me, my car that you have been using while yours has been broke down is now broke down, and I'm fucked again. How can you not see how fucked up this is? I should have taken your car and left you here to sit a couple days with no phone, no transportation and no money. I bet you wouldn't like it. What is wrong with you? How can you treat any human being like this let alone someone you supposedly love? I don't understand. I keep thinking maybe you just went up the street to your buddys house. Maybe you just needed a minute away. Maybe you will make sure to be back before midnight and kiss me, bring in the new year with me, the woman you love and want to do life with. But honestly, you don't do life with me now. You lead a triple life. There is the life you have with me. The one where I am like this secret. You talk a little, have sex with me, then immediately take a shower and off you go. You either stay in the bathroom on the phone or getting high, or you leave. There is the life of the drug dealer. You hang out with your friends and get high. You drive all over the place and do favors for people if there is money or drugs in it for you. Then there is the nice sweet man you pretend to be to the rest of the world. The man you tried to trick me into thinking you were. The one who says the right stuff and pretends to care about you and what you have been through. The guy who anticipates your needs and is there for you when you need him. He is a good dad and just misunderstood. He doesn't exist. He only exists in the 16 dating apps he is signed up in. You know the ones you told me were a "hobby" that you would give up when I told you it hurt me for you to talk to other women that way. Yeah those. I wonder if Sandy ever even cheated on you or if it was you that cheated. I have her number I should find out. Oh who cares I guess. It doesn't matter. You have hurt me more emotionally than I have ever been hurt in my life. I read an article online about signs that you are emotionally abused. Check it out. It's eerily familiar....

10 Brutal Signs Your Man Is An Emotionally Abusive Jerk

By  Dr Annie Kaszina

How do you spot an emotional abuser? Most likely when a guy first comes a-wooing, he won’t be carrying his, “I’m an emotionally abusive man” placard. So how do you identify him before you get hurt?

Here are the tell tale signs that he is an emotionally abusive man:

1. He shows a lack of respect. Not all emotionally abusive men will show you a lack of respect from Day 1. Some will turn on the charm for a while — others won’t.  But how do they behave toward other people and speak about them? If your boyfriend is critical or contemptuous of other people, be very aware that you have a short shelf life before you become those other people.

2. He always tells incredible hard luck stories about his past. Every emotionally abuser worth his salt has a great hard luck story about his tough past — and, boy, does he tell it well. Telling you his hard luck story is a neat ploy. You only have to respond like the uber-caring, empathic, trusting person you are for him to know you are his perfect… prey.

3. You notice worrying back stories about women. Yep, he’s the one who’s suffered at the hands of women who didn’t understand nor appreciate him. He’s been let down, treated badly, exploited, and robbed blind by past wives and/or girlfriends. His bitterness about these predatory b**ches sends a clear message about how he wants you to behave: no demands, no expectations, just 100% commitment to healing his hurts.

4. He has a bad behavior — or three — that needs to be fixed. That could include drug taking, alcohol abuse, leering at women, tight-fistedness, or anger issues. He’s a little bit broken, but hey, your middle name is Ms. Fix-Him.

5. He’s domineering, and/or jealous, controlling and self-centered. You can tell yourself he’s just “being a man,” but the reality is that he is establishing a power (im)balance in the relationship. It works on the principle that he has the lion’s share of the power, and you get the lion’s share of responsibility.

6. He gets star billing in the relationship — with all that, that entails — while you get to play the bit parts. He gets most of the airplay, and the limelight, etc. as befits the star. It won’t be too long before he lets you know that your job is to keep his trailer nice and tidy.

7. He has a short fuse. “Slow to anger,” “quick to forgive and forget,” and willing to own up to his own mistakes, are NOT accurate descriptions of him.  He’s easily upset, he overreacts, and as he tells it, the problem was not of his making in the first place — so, he rarely has to get his head around the “S” word  (that’s “SORRY” to you and me). He may well be a “potty mouth.” He certainly doesn’t react in a measured, adult way when he feels peeved and aggrieved.

8. He’s not 100 percent reliable, consistent or predictable. “Something comes up” or he’s feeling too tired or he’s been really, really busy. Showing consideration for you, your wishes, and your feelings is not his top priority.

9. He doesn’t let you have boundaries. He asks inappropriate personal questions early on. He rushes you and the relationship. He sets himself up as the authority on every area of your life — including family, friends, your working life, and even your finances.

10. He sets off warning bells in your gut. There was that moment right at the start when, from somewhere deep inside you, there bubbled up the awareness: “YUK. This guy is bad news.” Sadly, that feeling didn’t come with a 20-page PDF report, a government health warning, or even banner headlines anywhere you looked. So what did you? You ignored that feeling. “Listen, if it can’t give me a chapter and verse, why should I pay attention to it? It’s making a lot less noise than he does. Besides, he might be my last chance at happiness, right?” Your intuition doesn’t obsess about the past, or worry about the future. It simply comes to the right conclusion in the present moment. Its predictions are far more clear-sighted than yours are.

If you want to keep yourself safe from emotionally abusive men, you have to learn how to spot them. Emotionally abusive partners create massive mental, emotional and financial havoc in their victims’ lives. This article is here to spare you heartache and disappointment. Don’t be too blind to see them.

.............................................................................Wow. All I can say is wow. So lets break it down.

1. Lack of respect. I don't think I have ever seen you show anyone respect except when you talk about Charlie. Which comes from abuse of your own as a child.

2. Tells hard luck stories. Oh my god I won't even go there. You have a poor woe is me story to excuse every bad behavior.

3. Worrying back stories about other women. Yep! Helloo! The most horrible stories about the women from your past.

4. Bad behavior. Do I even need to go there?

I'll use short answers. Lying, cheating, manipulating, drugs, etc. etc. etc.

5. Domineering and/or jealous controlling and self centered. 150% yes yes yes. You make it very clear you are the boss. All these rules for me that just don't apply to you.

6. Star billing in the relationship. Umm ya. It's all about you. Always is.

7. Easily upset, overreacts, doesn't take responsibility. You get mad at me when I simply tell you how I feel. Or how your actions hurt me. You never apologize. You don't ever take responsibility. It's always someone elses fault or my fault. You will do something fucked up to me and it somehow is my fault. Every fucking time.

8. Not 100% reliable consistent or predictable. This is you. I never know what you are going to do. Even when you try to do better it might only last a day, a week, a month maybe an hour even. Point is, I never know what you are going to do. And you don't show you care about my feelings or needs no matter how clear I relay them to you. I am last on your priority list if I'm there at all. i.e. TONIGHT FOR EXAMPLE

9. The first part of this one eh not so much but the part about you being the authority on every area of my life is spot on. You don't let me have boundaries. You will tell off my entire family if you don't agree with them and my relationship with them. I have ostracized my entire support system because of you. I had it pretty good. My mother in law and I had a great relationship, so did me and my mom and sister. Now I have no one but you. Thanks for that.

10. Sets off warning bells in my gut. Yes, you did. From the very beginning. There was just something always nagging at me telling me you were full of shit. Like how anytime you did something shitty and I would try to talk to you about it, before I could say anything you would distract me by telling me something I wanted to hear. In fact the night you told me you were falling in love with me was one of those times. I was mad at you and said we needed to talk. I was about to tell you whats what when you blurt out you're falling in love with me and that i intimidated you and you didn't know how to act around me. Very fucking smooth.

So there you have it. I am officially the victim of emotional abuse. I never thought I would ever again be in a position to be abused ever again. Yet here I am. The stupid part is that if you were truly remorseful and made an effort I would stay. I would try to make this work. But who am I kidding? You don't love me and I'm not sure you are even capable of loving anyone. J---n lives to love and look after J---n. Ugh I'm fucking done with this entry. Worst New Years Eve I have ever fucking had. If you loved me you would want to be with me.

#alone tonight #new years eve #liar #shitty boyfriend #drugs over me #im done