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faerlygraceful · 16 days

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So I rewatched all of the “Begins” episodes last night and it only managed to cement my head canons about Tommy, which began forming after we saw him again.

Of course I don’t know if they thought this was going to be where the character ended up when they filled the firehouse back in season 2. I don’t know what Lou thought about his character. I don’t know what the intentions were. What I am doing (since this is my head canon), is taking new knowledge and using it to recategorize previous interactions. I’m queer, it’s what we all do.

So I’m going to share my analysis with all of y’all cause this is the internet, and I’m allowed.

Spoilers for… well everything.

Tommy is one of the three characters who shows up in all three Begins episodes, the other two being Athena and Sal DeLuca. His first appearance in the show is Hen Begins, but as we know Chimney Begins is chronologically first, so we’re starting there.

Chimney Begins

1) We first see Tommy when probie Howie walks in. He doesn’t seem to notice that Howie is a probie, asking who didn’t tip the takeout guy. Gerrard quickly takes the role of antagonist, and that’s when we move on.

2) At one point when they’re coming back from a call after Howie has been there a while, Tommy says, in a surprised tone, “You’re still here?” I think this is less of a, “You don’t belong here,” and more of a, “You’ve been here for weeks/months and haven’t been out once, I would have quit, why haven’t you?”

3) While man behind, Howie helps a guy who was having indigestion and a panic attack at the same time. When the rest get back, Howie tries to bond with them over the call, but is ignored. They are talking about takeout options and Gerrard asks Tommy, when his girlfriend is supposed to come in and cook. Tommy sounds extremely contained during this interaction, gives a a day, and when pressed he stammers and promises. The conversation fades off so we don’t hear what he promises, but he didn’t seem all that enthusiastic about his girlfriend coming in.

- Now this is where we really start getting into my hcs. Either Tommy is bi (which we’ll hopefully find out tomorrow) or he’s closeted. The tightness in his voice (which is all we have to go on because the camera is focused on the POV character), tells me that he’s extremely uncomfortable with the interaction. He’s been put on the spot, and he doesn’t like it. I think the girlfriend is either a) a friend he’s brought by the house once and everyone inferred or b) someone he manufactured in order to get out of team events ie, “Oh I can’t go out tonight, my girl is cooking.” He is uncomfortable with what his boss (a confirmed bigot) is asking for, and the man is pressuring him to produce his beard. If she was actually his girlfriend and Tommy is also bisexual, it could just be that’s he’s uncomfortable exposing her to the environment that the 118 is at that point.

4) Howie starts to try and broach the barriers between himself and the other firefighters, only to be rebuked. At one point he corners Tommy in the locker room, and starts naming off all these topics, stating, “Tell me what your thing is and I’ll make it mine.” Talking about his formidable people skills and asking if that means Tommy just didn’t like him that much.

Tommy tells him, “If I thought about you at all, I probably wouldn’t.” Which tells me that Tommy has already built his mask, his persona, and since the others don��t try to look beyond the surface he’s able to maintain it, but he can’t afford to let anyone in. He can’t think about the new guy on the squad, he’s too busy making sure Gerrard doesn’t find out about his closet. That would be just another person to have to hide from anyway.

This is when Howie gets pulled for the ambulance. Eli tells him that it’s not personal, because friends die and funerals are held. Which makes me also think that Howie stepped into the shoes of a firefighter who died. Maybe one who Tommy was particularly close to? Eli goes on to call Howie a puppy who doesn’t get a name until they know it’s gonna come through.

The next thing that happens is Kevin Lee’s death. Which is incredibly sad and is a big part of how Howie develops as a firefighter, but this meta is Tommy focused so moving on.

5) The garage collapse at the mall, and Tommy almost dies. More to it, Howie saved him. So Tommy decides to share some things with Howie. “Love Actually, monster trucks, and craft beer”. Maybe not a coming out story, but he did declare that one of his favorite movies is a rom com. It’s a start.

Hen Begins

1) Tommy is first seen when Hen walks into the house. He’s comes up to the railing after Gerrard calls for everyone and is positioned between the captain and DeLuca. Now it’s my personal opinion that DeLuca is an ass and that’s backed up by these episodes but even Hen defends him in Bobby Begins Again, and that started with this episode. But again, we’re not here to get into Sal DeLuca’s headspace, this is about Tommy. When Gerrard calls Hen an “diversity” hire, we see Tommy looking very uncomfortable, and Sal is the one to take up some of Captain’s dirty work for him (“For real?”). This is the episode where I truly see Tommy as “falling in line” with the captain. He’s opened up a little to Howie (no nickname yet), a little more inclined to joke, but still is holding these boundaries.

2) DeLuca talks about taking his girl to see some vampire movie and Tommy immediately knows it’s Twilight. DeLuca talks about how he likes Kristen Stewart (with Hen agreeing) before saying something about getting behind that, which makes Hen uncomfortable. (According to this, it would put it in 2008, which means she’s a paramedic for ten years prior to Buck joining which I hate. All those movies came out rather fast but could all be classified as “Twilight” so it was probably at least Eclipse in 2010 especially with the references made…. But then we start to go into how much I hate this timeline because nothing makes sense ever) Tommy talks about how he doesn’t understand the attraction to KS because she’s too… (Sal puts in hot here) broody, and Sal asks him if that means he’s Team Jacob (which is what makes me think it’s at least during Eclipse, I don’t see DeLuca being a Twi-Hard, and so his frame of reference would be movie based), and when Tommy acts confused (not sure if an act or not, he knew what Twilight was, but that doesn’t mean he knows about Team Edward vs Team Jacob), Chimney confirms that he’s implying that Tommy is gay. You. See. Him. Freeze. There is a few seconds where Tommy freezes in place like he’s processing before he makes a joke, blowing a kiss at Sal before laughing. Gerrard puts a stop to the conversation, and Hen takes a seat.

— Remember when Tommy has buried himself in the closet? What happened when someone rattles the door with a gay joke? One where it’s being implied that you are gay? When you’re bigot of a boss is sitting not five feet from you at the same table? You freeze to not immediately deny the accusation in a way that would make you look sus, and then you make a joke out of it. It hurts, so much.

———-Ah shit I’m going to timeline this———

From what we know, Tommy was in the army as a pilot. For Timeline purposes we’re going to assume that Eli leaving is the reason Hen went to the 118. During her med student arc it talks about how she was a paramedic for 10 years, so 2012 makes sense there. It doesn’t make sense with other thing’s because in Lonestar’s Hold the Line (2021 would make this make sense), Hen tells Owen that Denny is 10 and she and Karen and her were married for 8 years, (Same sex marriage has only been legal in CA since 2013). Bobby was their captain for a year in Worst Day Ever, they had a captain parade for two years (six captains) and before that they had a someone who was cleaning up after Gerrard. Also Hen and Karen were freshly back together when DADT was repealed. That makes Denny a baby on September 20th of 2011.

Enlistment periods are 8 years but that’s a mix of active and inactive duty. If Tommy signed up out of high school (18), was an active duty pilot for 6 years (24) and then moved to the reserves for the remaining two while he became a firefighter, it means he could have been a firefighter for two years longer than Hen or Chimney while being less than 10 years older than Buck.

Now none of this helps in placing where these episodes fall in the timeline, but I would say that Bobby’s first day falls about a year before the pilot, and Chimney Begins and Hen Begins butt right up together. Also I have no more information on Eli and how long he stayed after training Chim, and I probably never will because I cannot watch Boston.

More timeline BS. Hen and Karen had to have gotten together during the captain parade because Gerrard would not have let her on a call where she got hurt enough that Chim would make the call to Karen.

——————— Timeline bs over ——————

3) Tommy asks about how “New York bitchiness” could be a compliment after Howie mentioning that she has an East coast vibe, and Hen thanks him for the compliment. And then Howie makes it seem like Tommy’s calling her bitchy, but I don’t see it that way. What’s more likely is that’s the only vibe he knows from the east coast, so when Howie suggests she has it, he’s like, wait you think that’s a compliment? Howie treats it like Tommy’s calling Hen a bitch, but it honestly didn’t come off that way, more like Tommy trying to clarify that Howie wasn’t calling Hen a bitch by saying she has an “East Coast Vibe”. Anyway this conversation quickly devolves in Gerrard being a misogynist, and Tommy and DeLuca quickly scamper off.

4) Not Tommy related, but we do have someone with insight into being an openly gay firefighter now. Casey with the 115. He says that they knew he was gay from the moment he walked in, and it didn’t matter that he was the strongest guy in the firehouse. Here we have proof that it doesn’t matter your qualifications, if you’re perceived as gay, you’re automatically singled out. He said it was so hard that he was told to quit and find a new dream by his partner. Now, there is a red flag about your SO tellingly you to give up your dreams, but can you imagine how bad it would have been for the boyfriend to get to that point? The person you care about coming home every night defeated and downtrodden over something that’s supposed to be his dream? The ease in which Casey shed the boyfriend makes me think that they weren’t together long enough to earn those privileges, but the job also gets a red flag for being so bad that you’d advise your short term boyfriend to quit.

5) Hen’s speech. During this we don’t see him often, because he’s off to the side. The camera is more focused on Gerrard, DeLuca and Howie for the most part. But he does seem very closed off, when you do see him, his arms crossed, not standing defensively or challengingly like DeLuca, but like he’s trying to shrink. Actually it kind of reminds me of another queer firefighter that we all know.

6) We don’t get to see much more of the reactions because we go immediately into a call where a party limo crashed into a flower truck. Which we only know about because Hen went looking for it, saving the life of a little boy. Tommy tells her good job, that they would have discovered the secondary wreck eventually but that it would have been too late. She also has now earned Sal’s respect.

7) When they get back the Chief is there. Now remember, she gave her speech, they went out, they come back out and Gerrard is being removed. Nothing that happened on that call or involving her speech has anything to do with this. She thinks she’s being fired, that Gerrard called while heading to or back from the scene to have her removed, but that’s not the case. Her speech wasn’t actually necessary because everyone was already complaining about how Gerrard treated her. They even talk about someone who compared Gerrard and his behavior to hemorrhoids. Which I’m not saying could be from the army pilot who was probably deployed and had to undergo long-term constipation or diarrhea, but it could be.

Now all in all, there nothing really bad about Tommy’s behavior that we’ve seen. He doesn’t approach Hen, but we’ve seen from her interactions with Howie that she barely accepts his overtures of friendship in the beginning, and Tommy is much more closed off, remembering how he only opened up to Howie after he saved his life. He also doesn’t stand up for Hen to the captain’s face, but as an Army guy, he follows the chain of command. Doesn’t mean he won’t file one or two or three complaints through the proper channels. He just can’t afford to put himself in Gerrard’s crosshairs, can’t afford to undergo his scrutiny.

Bobby Begins Again

1) Hen has started a betting pool on the newest captain. Over under is 6 weeks, making me think that that’s the least amount of time a Captain stayed (about a month and a half and if they had 6 captains in 2 years that’s an average of 4 months). Tommy gives Nash a month and has to run to the ATM. DeLuca is obviously the main antagonizer, it sounds like he wanted the 118 and was denied (Also ABC, maybe bring him back ala Billy Tyson? Might be fun.).

2) Tommy has never worked on a farm, or dealt with toddlers. Cause he was floundering and falling all over himself when trying to catch Maurice the rooster. All in all these calls don’t show much. Tommy follows Bobby’s instructions, even though part of time he’s just parroting what Sal says, no arguments. Adds further credibility to the fact that he follows chain of command. It doesn’t matter that this guys only going to last a month, he’s my captain now.

3) During the Guillermo’s fire, Sal breaks rank to save the kid (which considering who that kid grows up to be, it sucks that he was successful). But when Bobby takes him to task for endangering them all, Sal doubles down. I thought I was paying attention during this scene, but it’s hard with the yelling. At least two people try to get him to cool it, one of them being Chimney who calls DeLuca “Fredo”.

4) They’re all at the bar, talking about Sal getting fired when Bobby shows up and the vibes change. Now sometime over the past twoish years Tommy is single, and it seems chronically at least to the house. Maybe because Gerrard is gone he doesn’t have to maintain a beard anymore, but with the endless captain parade and DeLuca being a tool, he doesn’t feel comfortable coming out? I think he’s also classified the 118 as unsafe, so maybe this lended a reason for his later transfer. But as he says, “Single is easier. Having the scars impresses women, getting ‘em freaks ‘em out.” Which gives heavy implications that like Buck in season one, Tommy isn’t dating but hooking up. If he’s gay, then his partners would have to be okay with the fact that he’s still closeted. And mention of women aside, it’s implied that a longer term relationship ended because he got hurt on the job. (This is why I don’t ascribe to the Tommy dated Abby theory. She implied that her relationship ended because of Patricia, and Tommy implies his last was due to injury. Which could be. He got hurt on the job and she couldn’t handle care giver burden for both of them? But that’s also turning Abby into Shannon Diaz pt 1 and while I dislike both women, they don’t need to be same character different font.) Here’s what I think. He got hurt on the job, and his long term boyfriend couldn’t even go to the hospital to check on him because he wasn’t out to his crew, causing them to break up.

Also for all you Buck/Tommy writers, Tommy canonically has a scar on his right side from a piece of shrapnel that he caught. He says it’s from a factory explosion. I don’t have the ability to get screen shots atm, but it’s pretty.

5) Tommy quotes Fight Club with Chim. So maybe another victim of the Han School of Movie References?

6) Bobby starts with family dinners. Tommy decides to transfer. The cake says, “The 217’s lose is our gain,” and they push his head into it.

The very next scene is Buck walking into the 118.

So all in all, we see Tommy as a deeply guarded character. He doesn’t open up easily, he follows orders, he has a soft side. I don’t really know how to conclude this because I sprinkled my impressions throughout, but I hope that this helps anyone who’s looking for Tommy characterization, and we’ll see tomorrow if any of this is right.

#tv: 911 #911 on abc #911 abc #911 spoilers #911 speculation #tommy kinard #faerly meta

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megalony · 7 months

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Overload

This is an Eddie Diaz imagine requested by anon, thank you for this it was so fun to write. I hope you all enjoy.

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911 Masterlist

Summary: Chris is invited with the 118 to Denny's birthday party and he has a great time, until things start to overwhelm him. Then a meltdown ensues.

Enjoy.

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A smile lit up Christopher's face and he reached his arms out towards his dad, pointing up at the present that Eddie was just about to get out the boot of the truck.

"Be careful then," Eddie handed the present down to Chris, guessing that he wasn't going to be using his crutches today by the look of things.

He grinned madly and took the rather light box that rattled whenever it moved. Chris had taken the liberty to pick some dinosaur wrapping paper and he had stuck the large green bow on top of the present after he watched his mum expertly wrap it up ready for Denny. And Chris wanted to be the one to carry it in and give it to his friend on his birthday.

Hen had asked all of the team if they wanted to come over for Denny's birthday party today. She knew Chris would panic if there were a lot of other kids here who he didn't know and because Denny was very set on Chris coming along, they only invited two of his close friends from school. Chris knew everyone at the squad so he was comfortable around them and he knew Athena's son Harry who he was also comfortable around.

It was a close knit party which is just what everybody wanted and needed and Chris had been excited about this for the past three days since he found out they were coming here.

"Remember, don't tell him what the present is," (Y/n) kissed the top of Chris's head as the three of them set on a slow walk up the drive towards Hen's house. The last time Chris went to a friend's birthday, he had been very excited to give the present over but he accidentally told his friend Andrew what they had bought him. Andrew didn't care, he had laughed and still looked surprised when he opened the gift, but it was a gift and it was always nice to have a surprise present.

She felt Eddie's arm loop around her waist as they approached the door and he gently grabbed Chris's shoulder after he knocked on the door. Chris had a tendancy to try and walk in houses without or straight after knocking, he didn't quite grasp the part about waiting to be invited in. He thought it was like with his own home or his grandparents house, he could go straight in and the door would be unlocked and people would welcome him in.

"Hi! Denny will be thrilled you're all here, come in." Karen opened the door, a wide smile on her face as she ushered them inside. "Everyone's out in the garden."

They followed Karen down to the kitchen and out the back door where the noise level raised and the chaos ensued.

There were a lot of balloons tied around the fence, to the few tables outside and placed around the garden with weights to keep them from floating off into space. A banner of Happy Birthday was pinned against the fence on the right side of the garden above the buffet table.

(Y/n) could see something that would grab Chris's attention towards the back of the garden. A paddling pool. Chris was very sensory and he loved the swimming pool, if they weren't careful he would be straight in there in his clothes and they wouldn't be able to get him out. And next to the pool was a sandbox that was usually closed up but today was wide open with spades and buckets and a signpost that (Y/n) couldn't read from this far away.

They didn't get very far before Denny spotted them and it was heartwarming to see his bright smile when he realised Chris had finally arrived. Chris was the person he was desperate to be around and play with.

"You're here!" He bounded over to them, almost stumbling when Chris pushed the present out towards him with a cheesy grin and his eyes almost closed.

"Happy birthday,"

"Thank you," Denny carefully took the present and looked up at his mum who nodded and took it from him so it could be put with the rest of the presents inside for him to open later.

"It's lego."

"Chris!" Eddie tilted his head back and brought his hand up to rub his eyes, trying to smother his groan with a laugh. He knew it. He just knew Chris wouldn't be able to contain the excitement and keep the surprise. When it was his own birthday, Chris loved surprises and opening presents but for anyone else, he had a fixation on telling them what it was.

Leaning back, Chris pushed his shoulders back into Eddie's legs and tilted his head back, giggling up at his dad as he bit down on his thumb.

"Come on, mum's gonna open the scavenger hunt," Denny took Chris's hand and walked slow enough so they could trot side by side towards Hen, Harry and two other friends from school. They were all stood near the sandbox that made Chris's eyes light up.

"Scavenger hunt?" Eddie tucked his free hand into his back pocket as he and (Y/n) followed Karen over to where Athena, Bobby, Chimney and Maddie were all sat with drinks and the radio blasting music.

"Hen's buried sweets and little fidget toys in the sandbox. They'll have to dig around for buried treasure. And Buck, being the big kid that he is, has decided to help supervise them." Karen gestured to the drinks table near the rest of the team so they could help themselves to something. All of them knew that Buck would be the one to join in the games and the fun with the kids. He was a child at heart, a kid trapped in an adult's body. It was why all the kids were drawn to him and loved him playing around with them.

"One sec," Leaning over, Eddie kissed (Y/n)'s temple before he jogged towards the sand box where the kids were all eagerly looking round. They were waiting to be told when they could get in and start digging as Hen was going through the rules of the treasure hunt. "Buck,"

"Yeah?"

"Can you keep an eye on Chris while he's in there?" He pointed towards the sand, already feeling the unease washing through him.

"Don't worry, I know where all the treasure is," Buck winked and clapped his hands, he wasn't getting what Eddie meant.

"No… he's got pica and sand is sensory, he'll try and eat it if you don't watch him. It's a different texture."

Chris had been diagnosed with Pica when he was three, it was a condition that meant he would try and taste, eat or just put random things in his mouth that weren't food. He understood he couldn't eat things like sand or mud or paper but they were so sensory that he couldn't help putting them in his mouth. Chris did it for the texture, not to try and eat them or because he was hungry or desperate. It was a fixation, a sensory feeling, putting things in his mouth was Chris's way of getting a sensory fix and feeling textures.

Eddie had had a lot of arguments with Chris's last school when they didn't watch him closely and Chris started to eat the sand and either made himself sick or it came out in his nappies as a child. It wasn't safe or nice for him and he had to be watched.

When he was five (Y/n) had been doing the washing and Chris came up behind her and stuffed a handful of wash powder in his mouth because it felt grainy and fluffy and itchy. It was a bi sensory feel in his hand and he automatically put it in his mouth, then threw it up.

"I'll watch him." Buck grinned and nodded as if it was no big deal or nothing new and it made Eddie relax. The team never seemed surprised or shocked or put off when they learned about Chris's conditions, especially Buck. He took it all in his stride and he strived to make Chris comfortable and understood and help him however he could.

When Hen said the boys could start digging, Buck reached down and picked Chris up and sat him down in the left corner of the sandbox, right near a bag of sweets he knew Hen had buried there. She had planted enough so that each kid could get at least two mini bags of sweets or a little fidget toy.

"Find me some treasure," He whispered to Chris as he kneeled down on the grass beside him with Hen a few feet away, watching the other four kids.

With a smile, Chris tucked his left hand down into the sand and spread his fingers, curling his fingers to his palm and spreading them again to move the sand and get the sensory feel. He held the dark blue plastic spade tight in his other hand and started to pat and scrape at the sand until a mini pack of Haribos was uncovered.

"Uncle Buck's treasure," He giggled and tossed the pack onto Buck's lap, grinning when he turned to look over at his parents.

He could see Eddie giving him a thumbs up and (Y/n) smiled at him from where she was sat on Eddie's lap.

Tilting forward, Chris dropped the spade and rolled until he was laid on his stomach on the sand with his legs kicking out behind him. He burrowed his hands down into the sand, grabbed fistfuls and pulled his hands back up. He watched, fascinated, as the sand fell through his fingers like droplets of rain.

He grabbed some more sand and tipped his head down until his chin was perched on a mountain of sand. His lips parted in a cheeky smile and he locked eyes with Buck just as he poked his tongue over his lower lip towards the sand.

"Ah-ah, your dad told me what you're like. If you wanna try something, try a sweet." Buck held a sweet out towards Chris who kept laughing but took the bribe anyway.

(Y/n) tilted her head back on Eddie's shoulder, nuzzling her face into his neck as she looped an arm around the back of his neck while her free hand held her cup of juice. She crossed one leg over the other, trying hard to focus on the conversation but she couldn't keep track. All she could focus on was Eddie's hand that had drifted up beneath the hem of her dress and kept gliding higher and higher up her thigh.

And when she looked over his shoulder every now and then, she could see Buck laughing at Chris who was spraying sand everywhere along with Harry. It looked like all the boys had found the buried treasure they had been digging for.

"Alright, who's up for musical statues?" Hen gave a sceptical look around the team who were all sat chatting and watching the kids have their fun in the sand box.

"I'll control the music," Bobby tapped the radio that was sat next to him and caught the CD that Hen expertly tossed over to him. He wasn't so good at musical statues but he could be fair and impartial with the music and turn it on and off for the kids.

"Up, up up you lot. You can all join in,"

A few groans rumbled past their lips but all of them got up and moved towards the centre of the garden as the boys hurried over. Chris stood so he was facing both parents, stood near to Denny who was clapping and smiling in anticipation. And (Y/n) shared a look with Eddie, they both knew Chris wasn't very good at this game and he probably wouldn't try to play, he would just go along with the music.

"Okay, when the music stops, you all freeze. Anyone still moving when it stops is out. Off you go," Karen stood in front of them all, playing the role of referee as Bobby started the music.

As predicted, Chris seemed to switch off to the rules and what was happening and he went into his zone with the music.

The CD was a new pop chart with all the latest music and it was Chris's sort of thing. He held his arms out at his sides and started to shake his hands, a new stimming technique he had picked up recently. He didn't exactly move his legs or his feet but he swayed and rocked back and forth very rapidly like he was being blown about by the wind.

Every few seconds, Chris did a quick round of clapping before he went back to shaking his hands and laughing. This was his sort of party game. It wasn't often that other people danced with him and when he looked up and saw his mum and dad dancing, it made him squeal. Whenever he clapped, his mum rose her hands in the air and clapped with him and he could see his dad mumbling along to the lyrics while his hands were on (Y/n)'s hips.

Maddie and Chimney stood near them, waving their arms up and down and bending down to shimmy and sway along to the beat like they were doing a new dance routine they had memorised.

Buck was dancing with the boys and Hen, and Athena and Harry were towards the back clapping and swaying about to the beat.

As soon as Bobby paused the music, almost everyone stopped.

(Y/n) kept her arms high in the air and tried to tense her elbows so she didn't move or waver. She could feel Eddie's chest pressed up into her back and his fingertips squeezed into her hips as he tried to stay perfectly still behind her. But when both their eyes moved to lock onto their son, they grinned.

Chris was still rocking. He had his eyes snapped closed, his thumb between his teeth morphing his grin and he was almost violently going back and forth as his other hand was stimming and shaking at his side. He didn't quite grasp the rules and he didn't want to stop, he just wanted to dance and move about and have everyone laughing and dancing along with him.

"Chim, you're arm moved. You're out."

"Damn," He stomped his foot into the ground before he moved over towards Bobby to sit with a drink and watch the game plan out.

Karen looked between Chris and his parents for a second, a bright smile on her lips as she turned to check everyone else before Bobby pressed play. They couldn't tell Chris to stop dancing and sit out, he was having too much fun and he wasn't trying to play a game or win the game. He could keep dancing away and rocking in the corner, they would continue the game around him.

The music continued for a little while, Bobby timed it just right to stop the music when Harry and Athena were in the middle of their jam session and both of them wobbled on their feet before stumbling two or three paces.

They were out.

Right as the music stopped for a third time, Buck was in the middle of his dance, one leg up in the air and his arms out at his sides. (Y/n) gasped, holding her arms out when he stumbled on his back foot and fell towards her. His arms swung out, grabbing (Y/n)'s shoulder and taking her down like a domino. She slipped and felt her back knock into Eddie's legs, swiping them from under him so that he went down with them.

"I'm afraid you're all out now," Karen leaned over them with a grin and (Y/n) sighed dramatically, flopping her head onto her husband's chest.

With a manic laugh, Chris finally stopped dancing and trotted forwards until he could slump down onto Buck's chest.

"You lost Buck,"

"Have you had enough, baby?" (Y/n) tilted her head to the side as she looked up at Chris when he walked over to them.

All the boys had been sat very close to the buffet table in case they wanted seconds. They had been sat in a big circle on the grass to have their dinner while the rest of the 118 were in the chairs near the radio, finishing off their food.

(Y/n) knew Chris was a fussy eater and if he looked at the buffet, there would be too much choice for him and he wouldn't be able to choose anything, it would overwhelm him. So she had gone along the table, picking out a few tiny bits that she knew he would definitely eat and grabbed the pack of crisps from her bag she brought. He was particular on what kind and brand he would eat.

"Finished," He whispered quietly, handing over the plate so she could see he had eaten at least half of what she had put on the plate, and all the crisps she gave him.

"Good boy," (Y/n) put the plate down on the grass next to her and opened her arms so he could sit between her legs. She was sat down between Eddie's legs, her head resting on his thigh and his legs squeezing her sides lovingly. Every now and then he kept leaning down to kiss her head or card his fingers through her hair.

She curved her arms around his middle and pressed her lips to the top of Chris's head, swaying them side to side between Eddie's legs.

"You okay?" (Y/n) whispered quietly into his hair when she noticed his hands that had come up to hold her arm were twitching. He was trying to stim, he didn't usually do that when he was having a cuddle.

"Hm,"

"Mum said we can go in the pool, are you coming?" Denny hovered by the side of them, a hopeful look on his face that brightened even more when Chris grinned. He had been waiting for them to say he could jump in the pool ever since he noticed it.

"Yeah… mummy?"

Chris turned around in (Y/n)'s arms and lifted his arms towards her so she got the silent message. She smiled down at him and gently lifted his top over his head and put it down next to her bag that had all of his things in.

"You can go in your shorts baby, I've got spare clothes in the bag," (Y/n) didn't see the point in Chris taking off his shorts and sitting in his underwear when he could just get them wet and change into the spare outfit she had packed for emergencies or food disasters.

With a lasting look towards his parents, Chris swiped off his glasses and dropped them onto Eddie's lap before Denny took his hand and they headed towards the paddling pool. Eddie rolled his eyes and hung the glasses around his neck to keep them safe. The last time Chris had put them down and forgot about them, Eddie had sat on them and broke them. He wasn't making that mistake again.

Chris flopped into the water like a penguin sliding off the ice and the moment he was sat up in the water, he threw his arms out and splashed the water until it was spraying around him and bubbles started to appear between his fingers. He wasn't expecting it to be so cold but the shivers it caused and the way it made his legs jerk had him in fits of giggles.

When one of the other boys jumped into the pool rather close to him, Chris shuffled back until he was in his own little corner of the pool. He smiled when Denny handed him one of the spades from the sandbox so he could splash properly and flick the water up.

He shovelled up the water and started to stim, flicking his wrist so the water sprinkled slowly over the edges of the shovel and rained down onto his legs.

As soon as another boy started to skid and jump around the pool, Chris turned to the left so his side was pressed up into the plastic edge of the pool and he was facing away from them.

They were starting to become rowdy.

They were laughing and babbling too fast for Chris to understand what they were talking about and he didn't really want to know either. He wanted to listen to the CD playing over near his parents but even the songs sounded much too fast. It sounded like they had been sped up and the volume wasn't loud enough, he wanted it louder to drown out the sound of everything else.

He could hear beer bottles clinking together and a lot of gruff laughter and one of the boys he didn't know was shouting along to the music, ruining the song for Chris.

Chris tipped his head down and started to rock back and forth, trying to concentrate on the music he could barely hear over the loudness of everything else. His fingers tightened around the spade and his blurry eyes moved until he could see a bright green balloon a few feet from the pool.

Hen had blown up some normal balloons and put them around the garden in case the boys wanted to play with them or play throw and catch or kick them around. Chris liked balloons, he liked it when his dad would play don't let the balloon touch the floor with him and they would jump up on the sofa to hit the balloons around.

Someone popped one.

Lurching forward, (Y/n) felt Eddie's hand tighten on her shoulder and she turned around between his legs. She leaned her arms up on his thigh and pushed up between his thighs as his arm moved around her shoulders as he turned to look behind him over at the pool.

Chris didn't like loud bangs, especially not balloons popping.

"Boys, be careful please-"

"Christopher no!" (Y/n) thrust her drink out towards Buck who was sat next to Eddie before she stumbled to get up and hurry over to the pool.

As soon as another balloon popped, Chris screamed. He started to slam the spade down into the water causing waves to roll around his legs and water to sprinkle up around him. He whacked the spade down so fast and repeatedly that he started to hit himself in the knee and the thigh but he didn't care. Another scream left his lips as his eyes screwed shut and he bashed back and forth, waving his hands out at his sides.

"Baby I'm here, mummy's here it's alright. Give it to me," Reaching the pool, (Y/n) knelt down beside the edge and reached over to try and grab the spade off him, he was making his legs blotchy red and sore.

His scream pierced through her ears and when she grabbed his hand, he jerked his arm back and accidentally smacked the spade against her neck. (Y/n) leaned back, swallowing a hiss because she knew Chris didn't realise he had caught her, his eyes were still shut tight.

She pulled it out of his hand and tossed it out the way on the grass before she tried to wrap her arms around him and calm him down. She didn't want him to have a full meltdown here, not when he'd been having such a good day so far and enjoying himself. He rested his forehead against her shoulder, but only for a second before he started to thrash his head into her arm and moved his hands to scratch his nails up and down his arms.

"Come on,"

"NO!" He kept rocking back and forth and moved to kick his legs out when (Y/n) tried to pick him up.

He couldn't keep having a meltdown in the pool, (Y/n) had to get him inside so he was somewhere quieter, safer and secluded so no one could see. It wasn't fair for everyone to see him like this and it was Denny's party. But (Y/n) could already hear the music had been turned off and everyone was as quiet as a mouse. No one moved closer and all the boys got out the pool but stayed close in case there was something they could do to help.

None of the boys, or even the team, had ever seen Chris get overstimulated and go into a meltdown before.

"Eddie…" (Y/n) looked up at him with pleading eyes as her husband hurried over beside her and leaned over the pool.

"One, two, three." They carefully took an arm each and stood up, pulling Chris out of the pool and lowered him down onto the grass. "Good lad," Eddie muttered when Denny silently handed him a towel.

Eddie knelt down beside Chris and held both Chris's wrists out in front of him with one hand while he draped the towel around him with the other. Once it was tight around his body, he let go of Chris's hands so he couldn't scratch himself anymore. As soon as it was around him, (Y/n) picked him up and got to her feet. She shivered at feeling Chris scream into her neck and she could feel his nails puncturing into her back from how tightly he was clinging to her but she didn't care.

Her eyes stayed on the ground as she tried to be quick, rushing from the pool towards the house to get him inside and away from the party.

"I'm sorry, I think it's an overload, he's had too much stimulation," Eddie looked at Hen with an apologetic smile while he leaned down to grab (Y/n)'s bag so he could take it to her.

"Don't be sorry, he's not done anything wrong."

"You can turn the music back on and carry on, don't let this spoil their fun. Once he's calmed down he'll be fine." It wouldn't be fair on Denny and the boys if they kept the music off and effectively stopped the party. They were all having fun and the party wasn't over yet, they could go back to their games.

This was normal for Chris and it didn't mean anyone had done anything wrong. He had too much stimulation with the sand, the games and the water and then all the different noises and music. He needed a quiet zone to calm back down and go to normal again.

Slinging the bag on his shoulder, Eddie tried to smile at them all and waited for Bobby to turn the radio back on before he headed over to go in the kitchen where (Y/n) had gone.

"Shh, alright baby, mummy's here."

(Y/n) leaned her back up against the kitchen cupboard and bent her knees out to the sides to accomodate Chris who was curled up between her thighs. He burrowed his face into her stomach and kept his hands pressed tightly over his ears. His knees were bunched up to his stomach, the towel was wrapped around around him and (Y/n) was slowly swaying them from side to side.

"Daddy's back, look," Her hand rubbed up and down Chris's arm and she tried to nudge him to look over at Eddie who knelt down in front of them.

He rummaged around in the bag until he managed to find the dark green headphones tucked away in there. They were large oval headphones that were noise-cancelling for emergencies like this. If they were out in public and the music or the voices were too loud and overwhelming, they could slip these on Chris and he would calm down and wouldn't have to leave.

Eddie carefully nudged Chris's hands away and put the headphones on him before he tilted his chin up so he could kiss his forehead.

He dug back into the bag and found the purple dinosaur crammed at the bottom. The moment he held it out towards Chris, his eyes stopped darting from side to side and he gingerly took the teddy, pulling it into his slightly damp chest and binding his arms around it.

"There we go, all better." Eddie shuffled around from his knees to sit down on the floor just in front of them.

He spread his legs out around either side of (Y/n), caging her thighs between his and he looped his hands under her legs and lifted them up. He gave a small tug and pulled her closer until her legs were hooked around his waist and Chris was curled up between them. Chris moved down so his head was on (Y/n)'s thigh, arms still bound to his teddy and his legs splayed out over Eddie's thigh.

The shaking subsided quickly with (Y/n)'s fingers running through his hair and Eddie's hand smoothing up and down his arm, coaxing him into a rather sleepy state. He had exhausted himself.

Reaching out, (Y/n) curled her fingers around Eddie's hand, smiling up at him until he closed the gap between them and pecked her lips.

"Hey, how we doin' in here?" Hen held the door halfway open and leaned in, smiling gently down at the couple. When she peered her head a bit closer, she could see that Chris had his eyes closed and his thumb pressed between his lips. He was falling asleep.

"We're good, looks like we'll be heading home though." Eddie hadn't expected them to stay for hours today, he knew at some point Chris would either be too tired to stay or he would get fidgety and irritated and want to go home. They hadn't been expecting a meltdown, but at least it was over and he had tired himself out. They would have to suffer another bad mood later when they woke him up for his tea and bath but he would certainly be in bed earlier tonight.

"Are the boys okay?" (Y/n) tilted her head back and looked up at Hen, she felt bad for them, especially Denny, it was his party and he had to see Chris have a meltdown for the first time.

"Please, they're hyped up on cake sliding in and out of the pool. Everything's fine as long as Chris is alright. Denny's really enjoyed spending time with him."

Chris had had a good day, they would just have to be a bit more cautious next time.

#eddie diaz x reader #eddie diaz imagine #eddie x reader #911 imagine #imagine #911 fox #911 #evan buckley #bobby nash

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epicbuddieficrecs · 19 days

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Fic rec for my BFF, pt. 1

My best friend is currently watching 9-1-1. I've been trying to get her onboard the Buddie ship and she is graciously tolerating me. She's asked for some fic recs and so this is what I came up with! I did have to work with a few parameters to fit her taste, the most important one being nothing post season 3 cause that's where she's up to and she didn't want spoilers.

Hope you enjoy these bestie!

Canon to Canon Divergent

Things We're All Too Young to Know by Daisies_and_Briar / @cal-daisies-and-briars

Canon S1-S6, S7 Spec | 123/? | 379K | Mature

This is a love story. Even if it doesn’t always look like it. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. A look back on Eddie and Buck's lives up to now, and what led them to each other, interpreted from the current 9-1-1 canon.

THE canon fics to end all canon fics. I know it's still a WIP and it spans up to post-S6, but if you want a canon fic, that's the one to go for.

Leading with the Left by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels

Canon Divergent, Different First Meeting, Stripper Buck | 84K | Explicit

When Buck said he was a "bartender" in "South America" what he actually meant was "stripper" in "Mexico." And when Eddie said, "What's your problem?" what he actually meant was, "Is this about the time you gave me a lap dance?" In other words, there's a few things the 118 doesn't know about Buck. Or Eddie. Or Buck and Eddie's relationship.

One of my most re-read fics. The smut is impeccable. The angst is so good. Absolutely love this fic!

Your Scars and Your Lonely Heart by Taste_is_Sweet

Sentinels AU, Canon Divergent - Tsunami | 82K | Teen

Clara Williams just wanted to visit Pacific Park during her layover in Los Angeles. She never expected to find a young, exceptional Sentinel dying for lack of a bond. Actually, what she really never expected was a tsunami, or the same Sentinel to save her life. But Clara's a Guide, so now she's on a mission to keep Evan "Buck" Buckley alive until she can get him to Eddie Diaz, the Guide who should have bonded with him, but didn't. Because Clara can't bond with Buck, no matter how much she wants to. There's just one problem: Buck's convinced Eddie doesn't want him, and he might not survive long enough to find out the truth.

Another one of my most re-read fics! I had never read a Sentinels AU before and I fell in love with the concept!

the distance to the stars by cloudydaisies

Didn't Know They Were Dating, Post-S3 | 27K | General

“Didn’t know you were seeing someone.” Buck just laughs. Like, honest to god giggles. Eddie is stuck fighting off doubly massive waves of butterflies and confusion, all while Buck just gazes down at him. “That’s cute,” he hears Buck mumble, just before climbing into the truck, calling Eddie after him. - or, everyone knows eddie is dating buck except for eddie, literally.

Don't know if you knew this, Marie, but Buddie is the #1 most tagged ship in the "Didn't Know They Were Dating" tag cause they're such idiots <3 and this is one of my favorite ones!

the weekly bet (but the forever kind) by theleftboobgrabber/ @theleftboobgrabber

Late S3, Getting Together | 49K | Explicit

“Thanks,” Eddie mumbles, hiding his face deep in his pillow, even if Buck can’t see him in the dark. “What for?” Leave it to Buck to be confused about something so obvious. “Being you, idiot.” “And again with the name calling,” he answers, content and sleepy. Nights like this, Eddie feels like asking for a miracle. But to the team, it wasn’t a matter of if Abby would take him back, but when. A matter of days. When the squad bets on how long it will take for Buck and Abby to get back together when she comes back to LA, Eddie is forced to reconsider keeping his feelings for Buck a secret.

Top tier pining + oblivious Eddie = 👌

Always, All Ways by ashavahishta/ @tevankinkley

A/B/O AU | 85K | Explicit

“Buck is very dear, Mr Diaz. Not only to me but to the pack. You’ll find that if you treat him with anything less than utmost respect you’ll have a lot of people to answer to.” Eddie swallowed. It was clear that in the absence of a mate, this omega had found himself a very protective pack. “Understood, sir.” Or: Buck’s the only omega in the 118. He’s got secrets, and walls a mile high. Eddie’s the alpha determined to knock them down.

There's not a ton of A/B/O fics in this fandom, and I should really try to read more of them, but this is probably my favorite one so far!

I Hit the Accelerator (But the Car was in Reverse) by extasiswings/@extasiswings, letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/@letmetellyouaboutmyfeels

S3, Friends With Benefits, BDSM | 68K | Explicit

When Buck is forced to confront the truth about his breakup with Abby, having casual sex with his hot new coworker seems like the best rebound idea. Unfortunately, that hot new coworker turns into his best friend. But best friends can keep having sex with each other, right? There's no way this could possibly go wrong.

THE friends with benefits fic! (ok lbr there's a ton of great ones, but this one is S2 focused iirc)

AUs

My Blood on Your Skin (My Rose on Your Snow) by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels

Mythological AU, BDSM | 80K | Explicit

When Eddie needs cash and fast to take care of Christopher, his LAFD Academy buddy suggests a job as a bouncer at Elysium - an exclusive sex club in downtown Los Angeles. Eddie doesn't care what goes on there, so long as he's paid, but he finds he cares a lot bout the club's enigmatic owner, Evan Buckley, and it's not long before the two of them are violating every boss-employee rule in the book. But there's something different about Buck and the club, something not quite... human. If Eddie wants to keep Buck, he's going to have to delve into the world of immortals, and all the risks that implies.

You can expect amazing smut by this author as always, but also really interesting worldbuilding and characters!

All My Shattered Oaths by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels

Vampires AU | 107K | Explicit

Eddie wants to stay away from his family’s legacy and give his son a normal life. Buck’s desperate to find a way to get over the love he lost. Fate has other plans for both of them.

SO GOOD. The canon divergent reincarnation vampire AU you didn't know you needed!!!

a bleeding sun on a silver screen by rarakiplin (gmontys)/ @hoediaz

Actors AU, Friends With Benefits | 130K | Mature

One day, Buck will tell an interviewer that he would be happy to make movies with Eddie Diaz until the day he dies. But first, years before that, he sees Eddie for the first time on the set of Chimney’s fifth movie.

An epic tale of movie making and enemies to friends to FWB to strangers to lovers!

The Truth of Love (Amas Veritas) by allyasavedtheday/ @littlespoonevan

Practical Magic AU | 20K | Teen

Bobby opens his mouth like he wants to argue but decides against it. “Walk me through the logic here then. How will this make sure you never fall in love?” “Because I’m making someone who doesn’t exist,” Buck explains, glancing from the half-full bowl to Bobby. He can’t work out what the look on Bobby’s face means so he pointedly elects to ignore it. “They’ll have brown hair,” he starts, clipping another petal from the rose bush. “And brown eyes-“ “Lotta people out there with brown hair and brown eyes, kid,” Bobby says lightly and Buck rolls his eyes. “But not many that can ride a horse backwards,” Buck counters. “And whose favourite shape is a star and who’s got…two scars,” he decides, plucking a basil leaf and dropping it in the bowl. “One on each shoulder.”

Because Practical Magic AUs always make me think of you <3

I'll Scrawl it on Every Wall I See by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels

Canon Divergent, You've Got Mail Fusion | 29K | Teen

When Eddie joins the 118, he and Buck don't exactly hit it off on the right foot. Or continue to walk on the right foot. In fact they kind of can't stand each other. Good thing they each have a beloved anonymous pen pal to share their daily woes with, someone completely unlike their insufferable coworker.

I do love some good romcom vibes!

#buddie #buddie fic rec #epic buddie fic rec #buddie fanfiction #buddie fanfic #buddie fic #favorites

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tawaifeddiediaz · 1 year

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wait not to say too much before the episode actually airs but buck is literally a part of EVERY family eddie has - eddie’s let him into all of it.

there’s the obvious eddie and christopher, but buck is also made a part of it well before the legal guardianship. eddie lets buck in about the ways he failed shannon and the ways their relationship had failed both of them.

there’s the way buck is over eddie’s Instagram, despite him not using it much, in one of the most pivotal moments in his parenting storyline on tv where there’s something chris might not be able to do the same way as everyone else, and he and buck manage to find a way to make it happen for him anyway

there’s the way eddie mentions his camaraderie with his squad in the army, and the only one that’s let in to the reality of that family, the reality of what happens to soldiers…is buck

there’s this thing of buck having met tia pepa, and assumingly also abuela, given the party at eddie’s house in 4x14. outside of the probationary ceremony and maybe 3x10, no one else has really been made that.

speaking of 3x10, christopher opening buck’s christmas present by the pinball machine, and eddie calling abuela over to join the moment with them???? i don’t celebrate christmas but that looks very family to me.

anyway, there’s the 118, obviously. I’ve always sort of taken it as…eddie’s never found a family like that before, and up until he tells chim about the 118 being the family they chose, he feels like he’s grappling with his place in it a little. but he does end up believing that the 118 is a home for all of them; a family they chose, and one that buck is obviously part of.

and now, for eddie to bring buck with him to a poker night that assumingly, he attends regularly and is given an exclusive invitation to, means that he’s sharing even that family with him. that’s like…

for buck, who’s only ever really had maddie before the 118, to have eddie irrevocably make buck a part of every single family he has, every single friend group he’s a part of…

tl;dr: eddie really said “you’re the family i choose” and there are endless anecdotes I could give to prove it

#zee rambles #eddie diaz #evan buckley #911 meta #buddie #buck x eddie #911 spoilers #honestly I’m all over the place with this rn #but I have so many thoughts #about Eddie and family and how he makes buck a part of that the whole time

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oweninadaydream · 1 month

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𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐔𝐒𝐇 || 𝐂𝐇.𝟏

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 : Hangman is the certified ladies' man and everyone thinks they can read him like a book, but what neither the Dagger Squad nor anyone else can even begin to imagine is where the hell Jake has been going every Saturday night for the last few months…

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 : Jake 'Hangman' Seresin x male!character

𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬 : mentions of alcohol, some making out but nothing too smutty, emotional distress lmao, age gap relationship (27-35), some religious trauma, self-deprecating thoughts, post Top Gun : Maverick, the Dagger squad is stationed together.

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 : 2k

𝐚/𝐧 : Gif by @tay-swifts , M/N (Male Name). Hello beautiful people!!! I'm so exited about posting this project I've been working on for a while. I just wanted to say that since it's my first time writing for Jake this might be a bit OC Jake but I do hope I got it right hehe. Enjoy the fic and stay tuned for the next parts!!!

It was well after midnight when Jake arrived at the club’s entrance. The throbbing bass emanating from inside made the whole building shake, making his mind wonder what it would be like to live on top of such an obnoxiously loud place, contrasting with the quietness of the accommodations the Navy offered. The reflection of the neon sign reading “Mon Ange” turned his natural olive-toned skin into a vivid dark azure that matched perfectly with the baby blue in his eyes. The smokers (all with stamps on their hands) were all gathered some feet away from the door to get back in after dragging a final puff from their cigarettes. The queue was not very long, mainly because everyone who was meant to be there had arrived way earlier than him. He reprimanded himself for getting there so late ; in less than two hours the nightclub would shut its doors and Jake would feel like he wasted four hours of his life for nothing. Well, his journey would not be in vain if he caught a glimpse of-

“Jake”

This was L.A, a city 118 miles away from the Marine Corps Air Station located in Miramar, which is a two-hour long drive away from everything he knows. He had to remind himself of those facts to avoid spiraling at the sound of his name in such a place; he hated how his body kept reacting to these kinds of situations, but not even a skilled lieutenant like himself could take the reins of these unnamed emotions that coursed through his entire being.

"What are you doing here by the door? I was worrying about you not showing up today, I was just about to send a search party. C'mon , let's grab a drink. Perhaps I can even convince you to dance this time" A wide playful smirk accompanied the flirty comment exquisitely and, even though Jake was more than used to these antics, his heart skipped a beat. Trying to compose himself, he answered while staring at the concrete floor.

"I don't belong on that dance floor and y'know it, darlin' "

“Oh don’t say that, the 30s are the new 20s! … Even if you’re not planning to dance, you must’ve driven all the way over here for something, right?”

The damn question hit him like a truck. He could try to think of the right answer, but putting something into words made it terrifyingly real, and that was exactly what he'd been avoiding for months. The breeze made them both shiver, as the party outfits didn’t properly protect them from the chilly weather.

“You're right” he muttered “Okay, lead the way. Make it worth the while, mh?" he teasingly replied. Even if what he was doing was definitely outside of his comfort zone, something about the constant banter between them calmed him.

"Don't you always have an amazing time with me? I thought that was why you only talk to me" a fake pout appeared on the face which Seresin couldn't help but to stare intensely in awe. Their hands intertwined and the pilot quickly melted into that comforting touch. His companion briefly exchanged some words with the bouncer and the doors opened for them.

"Thankfully it was Joseph working tonight, I don't think Marcus would have let you in for free just like that" “I’m sure you would've charmed him into doing whatever you wanted anyway”

The thick air of the room embraced him as soon as the doors closed and the familiar feeling appeared in the pit of his stomach almost instantly; it seems like it was yesterday when he first stepped into the nightclub he now knows like the back of his hand, but in reality, that day was what it feels like ages ago. Still, the contradictions that manifested within him every time he returned persisted and only grew each day.

“I’ll go to the bar while you stay here and look pretty, okay? Same drink as always?”

It was because of moments like these that Hangman felt comfortable enough to let his guard down and be his usual extroverted self. Grabbing his wrist to stop him from going any further, he raised his voice so his words could be heard even though the music was top volume. “ Don’t you even dare to try to pay for those drinks, they’re on me.”

“Here it is, the Texan charm of Jake Seresin. I didn’t know you could apply those rules to this situation. Are you trying to imply I’m the girl in this whole affair? Shouldn't we at least draw lots for it?”

"Very funny, M/N'' the hostility that emanated from his rolling eyes made the other man realize his comment had affected Jake on a deeper level than intended. “Hey I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t hav- I know it’s a touchy subject and I’m extremely sorry, please forgive me” the regret was visible in his expression and it also could be detected in the stuttering caused by the words rushing their way out of his mouth trying to obtain his forgiveness as fast as possible. Jake took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second.

Hangman was no saint, he didn’t go to church every Sunday or tried to look for a good christian wife to have kids with like his father did in his day. He knew God was not exactly pleased with the way he was running his life but he used to think that when the time came, He would welcome him with open arms (after having apologized profusely, that is). But now that he had fallen for the most vile trick in the book, he couldn't trust that previous statement anymore. Lust was a capital sin, pretty serious if you asked any priest from the church the Seresin family attended back in Texas, but sodomy? Say goodbye to eternal salvation, son. If Jake was being honest, the promise of heaven or the threat of hell didn't scare him. It was the destruction of all the life lessons that made him act the way he acted, of his purpose as a son, as a man. The thing that truly haunted him at night was the thought of a deity (and his father) designing him to be this flawless individual with a very clear life path , only to end up as a filthy, disgusting f-

“Hey, are you okay? Would you like me to leave you alone for a bit?”

The thought of M/N walking away while he sank deeper and deeper in the sea of guilt and fury frightened him. “Please don’t” he begged “everything’s fine, I promise. Let’s down a couple shots and , who knows, maybe I’ll be in the mood to dance for a bit” the last comment was a futile attempt to hide the everlasting agony that clouded his mind. M/N moved so they were a few inches away and raised his hand to caress his cheek. His next step consisted in resting his arms around his shoulders and starting kissing him delicately in the neck and in the whole face in general, in hopes to kiss the discomfort away.

How could something so delicate and sweet be so dirty? Was it even dirty to begin with? What about the women he had dated? He was attracted to them but now he- Too many questions Jake was not willing to answer that night. He only wanted one thing, and he was about to claim it.

After regaining control of himself, Jake put his right hand on the younger male’s back to guide him to the counter where people were piling up fighting to get the barman’s attention. Being as attractive and well-built as he was, he obtained the alcoholic beverages rather quickly. After the last drop of tequila had made its way down their throats, Hangman took control and led him onto the dance floor. His mind was only filled of the smell of M/N’s cologne mixed with his natural scent enhanced by their bodies crashing against each other while swaying to the 2000s pop remixes, his eyes fixed on his partner’s hypnotizing movements and his hands focused on feeling what they can reach, testing if they can go further in their journey through M/N’s body. Jake was simply standing close and moving according to the song's beat but in a subtle way, just like he would do at the locals he frequented with his coworkers ; manly enough to keep his dignity intact but provocative enough to awake that lustful hunger in the other person’s soul.

‘Mon Ange’ had finally closed down and the two men were still all over each other on the angelino streets. The tingle settling in his chest could only be compared with the adrenaline rush he had previously experienced on those wild nights spent in college, the farewell by the porch of the first girl he had taken on a date or the night out after his first deployment; if he closed his eyes he could swear he was 20 again, but reality made sure to remind him of those fifteen more years that had passed.

M/N had this juvenile thing about him, Jake couldn’t guess confidently his age from afar and his curiosity was finally satiated after befriending him and asking him about it directly ; he was 27, even though he looked some years younger. His bold character combined with his kindness and humor made M/N resemble a butterfly flying around collecting the pollen from every flower in the garden and making it seem effortless. That was one of the many things that hooked Jake on him as if he were the most addicting drug out there, making him throw away his plan of not getting attached and limiting this experience with sporadic hookups that would end then and there, never with the same person twice. That was the problem, he appeared and started moving his hips to some song, making the whole room turn around him and ever since then (even if Jake was still in denial), he was a goner.

The next thing he knew, he was laying down on M/N’s bed, a king size mattress close to a very big window that allowed him to take in the beautiful sight of the sleeping city. He had only been to the apartment twice, but he had always left before the sun had made its appearance in the sky, moved by remorse and skepticism. This time though, he had stayed the whole night that was filled with passionate sex and heart to heart conversations and finally some cuddling that lured him to rest for a while. Now he was wide awake, sitting against the headboard, resting his eyes on the sunrise and on the slumbering figure facing him. He looked so calm, so peaceful. In that moment, turning his gaze away, he tried to repress a sob that came with a single tear falling through his left cheek.

M/N had always known he was queer, embracing his bisexuality in childhood. Jake had never had any problems with people who were not straight, even if the people around him growing up did, but everything was different when it came to himself. For fuck’s sake, he was closer to being 40 than from his teenage years, what was he doing? He could only paralyze at the idea of anyone seeing what he was doing. It was definitely too late for him. Risking his life everyday up in the sky felt like a minor burden compared to the endurance of the dilemmas he carried with him everywhere, just like Christ had carried the cross all the way to Calvary.

He could feel himself falling for the person right next to him, and that was the worst thing that had ever happened to Lieutenant Jacob Seresin. His calloused hand cupped M/N’s soft face, making the other man lean in closer in search of that delightful warmth. Jake’s lips burned in desperate need to say something out loud. His heart started palpitating at a dangerous speed, as he knew the thing trying to escape from his mind was a cruel thing to say and that he was a horrible being just by thinking that. It was no one’s fault and it had no solution, yet the idea popped up in his mind like an unwanted ad appearing on your phone. His chest ached at the possibility of M/N hearing the words, so he tried to whisper as quietly as it was humanly possible.

“I wish you were a girl”

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