#ANYWAY. I AM EMOTIONAL CAN YOU TELL????

[thevioletcaptain]

if you as a fic reader ever become possessed by the urge to do a popularity bracket with the fics other people wrote and shared for fun and for free, consider:

don't ❤️ 

#just!!!! make a rec list!!!!!!!!! #popularity contests do nothing but drive writers out of fandoms by pitting people against their friends #and invariably result in people being assholes in the comments as if the people who wrote the fic can't see it #like ''oh clearly fic x is better than fic y'' #or ''why is fic c even in this poll?'' #nobody gains anything by you doing a bracket to see which fic is the ''most popular'' #a stat which could be found more easily & less cruelly by simply hitting the sort by bookmarks/kudos button on ao3 #anyway ugh. i saw that one of my fics was being pitted against one of my friend's fics in this bracket that's going around #and i have no idea who is ''winning'' because i refuse to look. but either way it's gonna feel bad!!! #because i want my friend to get his flowers so i want him to win!!! but i also would like to know that people like my fic!!!! #so it's just a lose/lose situation even though i generally don't give a shit about numbers #but this turns it into a schoolyard popularity thing #and the emotional response to having people *vote* on if your work is *better or worse* than other fic is hard to ignore #cannot reiterate enough JUST MAKE A REC LIST #or if you absolutely must do a bracket like this do it in a private chat server or something #don't create a public forum for people to pass value judgements where the authors can see it #and feel bad if they get told their fic is ''worse'' than someone elses #but also feel bad if they get told theirs is ''better'' because it came at the cost of telling another author they weren't good enough #ANYWAY i still feel sick with a super sore throat and a headache & am probably extra cranky because of it #(still testing negative thankfully so it's probably just weather/allergen related) #gonna go make some tea and prep the fic updates i want to post today #cass says things #fandom problems #wank adjacent

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HIII THABK U FOR THE TRIVIA AND ASHE SONG before i take forever 2 answer those or forget here is a blank ticket to please please talk about prime defenders and their AWFUL emotional literacy and processing skills i would literally love to read that essay so much ive also been thinking about it incessantly. big eyes staring up at u.png. ok ok peace out GOODNIGHT !!!! <33

i lied actually im not going to bed im judt thinking about this ans listening to St. John on a loop now. hello catkiss.gif i forgot how youve filled me with so much joy. that cat is so fuckign cute

anyway. hi :) prime defenders huh. this is gonna be less of an essay and more of a sleepy ramble but ohhh i have so many thoughts. they all process things so differently and none of them are good at it they all need therapy so bad. ms.g where is the hero therapy why didnt you build that into w.a.t.c.h ma'am

vyncent is probably the best at actually processing things out of all of them, he just internalizes everything to the point where he wont talk about it unless hes pushed past the breaking point. vyncent is actually very.. emotionally intelligent? i want to say mature but that feels like im singling him out because hes the oldest. i just feel like because he grew up on Fauna and had to be in basically survival mode in a world full of monsters trying to kill you.. that makes a person grow up quicker than they should. i think vyncent had a good childhood and for the most part his parents took good care of him but just.. living in that world doesnt seem like it leaves room for a whole lot of expressing emotions. vyncent is good at quick analysis of a situation, but unless a problem directly interferes with the current goal he doesnt externalize it to everyone else. but bottling up his feelings and emotions just builds up pressure over time until something like the lich makes him blow up and let it all out at once, usually in a dramatic monologue format bc condi is really good at those god damn it. also they played off the fact that vyncent said all of that to the lich and then missed his attack as a funny thing but i like to think of it as. he got too overwhelmed w his emotions and lashed out too soon it made his fighting messy. vyncent is so angry and honestly after what hes been through he deserves to be !!!!

william wisp. my boy. god hes just like me fr so much so that it physically hurts sometimes. anyway. i always think back to the scene where theyre all in the cabin talking about themselves/sharing backstories and william keeps desperately trying not to talk about himself. the fact that hes so ashamed of his powers he hides wisp form every time. two of his powers are LITERALLY a) turning invisible and b) turning intangible, usually as an excuse to leave whatever situation hes in ("accidentally" falling through the floor at opportune moments in season 1) . theres. a thing that happens at the end of episode 13/beginning of epidode 14 that youre really close to and i wont spoil yet but god it has to do with this so extremely much please come back to my inbox when you get there. youll know what it is trust me. um. yeah. so anyway. i think a lot of this comes from a place of. he doesnt want anyone to be scared of him. williams not stupid hes incredibly smart and insightful he knows his powers are objectively SCARY. hes scared of himself constantly, he doesnt want anyone else to feel that way about him, so he shifts focus whenever those aspects of himself are brought up because if someone were to think about it for any amount of time theyd realize the truth that hes scary and dangerous to be around (<< william logic. hey remember how one of the reasons he originally left deadwood was because the monsters there were attracted to the wisps and therefore Him so he left to keep his friends/family out of danger)

i think a lot about williams death and the immediate aftermath, i dont know how much you actually know and how much of this comes later but . how does he go home after waking up from that. his parents know about his powers, so they MUST know what happened. what do you think he told them when he god home muddy and dirty and broken and probably bloody after being missing for. god knows how long. how does he look his mother in the eyes and tell her her little boy is dead. but hes also not because hes standing right in front of her. how the fuck do you think he felt the first time he went into wisp form and saw his body laying there !!! of course he wouldnt want to talk about that!!!! youre gonna have to pry william wisps emotions from his cold dead hands !!!!!!!

dakota's response to the ashe situation was to run away in the woods and do nothing but train for 10 months. he didnt think about it for 10 months. i dont even have a whole lot to say about dakota other than like. stunned silence whenever his inability to process trauma is brought up because grizzly does such an incredible job at being like "you ask dakota how hes doing and his face is just blank" << paraphrased actual quote from an episode i cannot remember which one. either 11 or 12 ?

also because im thinking about him im including ashe in this. we didnt get to see a whole lot of his canon reactions to extreme emotional situations so a lot of this is just coming from My Mind but ashe seems like hed be the type to repress a lot of his emotions too. being alone in your house/in your room for extended periods of time will do that to a guy. i think he feels a lot of things and will probably very openly cry/scream/get angry when hes alone but as soon as he knows another person is there he can immediately flip the switch to turn it all off like nothing happened. very much a deadpan "im fine." if someone asks how hes doing, even if hes got like. the remainder of tear tracks down his face. cannot physically express his emotions in the presence of someone else

#very tempted to add a thing about the greats to vyncents section but i am not going to #anyway do u think it was weird for him to have the people he idolized in his brain. they knew things he thought #they felt things he felt they probably talked about it its no wormnder he keeps his emotions close to his chest etc etc etc #anyway. #im projecting a little bit on all of these can you tell. dont take any of this as canon i am fully like. #oh boy how can i put aspects of my godawful mental health practices on my favorite little superhero teens. #especially ashe be he has not a whole lot of canon basis . sorry ashe you get my emotion switch #asks #intertexts #friends!!! #jrwi pd #um!!! sorry i went off on the second william paragraph i think about the early stages of him gaining his powes a lot. #its the danny phantom in me #also that last sentence was especially mean of me sorry. i did yhat on purpose :) i love to be evil #OKAY. im going to bed for real now. i had 2 get this out of my system before i slept on it and forgot all the thoughts fresh in my mind

[skitskatdacat63]

Boy King Seb :D

#thank you to Grace for the idea of making his chivarly collar red bull instead <33333 #he was gonna have both collars but then making that one made me suffer so no not today #this was a lot of fun but also made me suffer. but i keep looking at it and being like AAAHHHHH BABY!!! BABY BOY!!!!!!! #can you believe i tried to do this in one night? i cant #i stopped and came back to it and was like 'no way you could do this in one sitting at 1 am' #this is kinda the ascended form of that very first sketch i made for this au! concentrated boy king sebby!!! #i say to myself i need to take a break from drawing complicated things but youll prob see a nando version of this in less than a week ;;; #okay about the drawing(i wrote good tags and then tumblr deleted them so these are a bit inferior AGH): #this is typical pouty seb but is also referenced off a specific pic from AD 2009(beloved) #its very important to me how emotionally open Seb is. im not sure the specific context of this. maybe after a triumph? #but instead of being that typical stoic serious detached kind of ruler; i like him being openly emotional(think AD 2010) #its important as well for his dichotomy with nando and how they choose to portray themselves #seb is very assured in himself and his rule vs. nando who is more insecure and bitter about his #so nando takes strides to portray himself in that more stoic calculating way bcs he feels like it helps him legitimize himself better #whereas seb has absolutely no care for outward public image and shows how he feels and is loved for it(nando hates it but loves it) #not that nando cant be fun and whimsical!! but to me he always seems a bit more mysterious; like i can never tell his true thoughts tbh #anyways i feel like ill finish 10 more drawings before i end up posting the lore pt 2 LMAO #its just a lot harder to organize and layout compared to part 1 which was just an explanation #pt2 would be a mix of more world building/characterization/anecdotes ive talked about with mutuals(LOVE YOU GUYS!!!) #i have a *lot* of ideas (gotta whip out my notes app every once in a while to write down stuff abt it) just hard to put into a coherent pos #sebastian vettel #f1 #formula 1 #f1 art #formula 1 art #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #catie.art. #*ill prob make a process post later if anyone is curious!! its fun to write abt my process and influences and such #boy king au

[the-ocean-is-scary]

Sometimes I have a random day where it's like "wow am i faking being a lesbian oh no" and I'll feel bad about it for no fucking reason and then [INSERT VERY LONG AND SPECIFIC STORY HERE REVOLVING AROUND SHOW CHOIR AND DRAWINGS N SHIT] and I'm feeling like

#guys i'm in love guys i think i'm in love hey guys she knows who i am now and i think i'm in love guys i'm crushing so fucking hard guys hey #FUCKING GOD #seeing her on stage was the “not to be a lesbian” post times two but now it's multiplied out of my control #i need to talk to her #(“but didn't you get out of a relationship like a month ago” #yeah but i think i can easily say it's kinda been dead long before it ended #and i'd rather not have people trying to tell me it wasn't because these are my emotions and stuff alr) #ANYWAY AAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHH #lesbian #show choir #shitpost

[sergle]

NO HOW DARE YOU FUCKING SAY THAT!!! SLANDER SLANDER SLANDER

#HE FUCKS (fucked) LIKE CRAZY #you may be able to say he's old as dust right now but he was WAY crazy when he was young #you CANNOT tell me he was a few pumps and done. I am writing an email to brandon RIGHT NOW #he might have been a bad husband but he was NOT a bad lay and I stand by that #and nowadays he's a changed man. probably things are even improved #I WON'T budge on this. I won't. #other characters. I can budge on the matter. dalinar.. NOT THE BLACKTHORN #sergle.txt #all dalinar's problems were MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL he was not lacking in any other ways #the thrill? the THRILL? COME ON #anyway do we think Navani would accept anything less than the best #if we're gonna call ANYONE a loser we're going to call Kal a loser. even though he's my wife #but it holds no weight w Dalinar

[sunshinechay]

Okay so again I haven’t caught up but from everyone’s reactions

I’m finding it really funny when I think about Mew from Only Friends and Tai from La Pluie because the narrative seems to be doing the same thing for them and yet the reactions are vastly different.

Both are seemingly meant to be unlikeable protaganists, for very different reasons.

Yet Tai, who was over all a good person who wanted what was best for those around him, even if he was selfish and self centered, was widely disliked by a lot of people and criticized by the fandom

Yet Mew, who isn’t a good person, who is also selfish and self centered, has people defending his actions as if he’s the most perfect person in the world.

Like damn

#only friends #only friends the series #la pluie #ofts #tai lp #mew ofts #this is not me criticizing those who like mew btw #nor is it me criticizing book #i like mew #i like what i’ve seen in terms of the narrative #yes i’m not caught up #but mew being unlikeable is not a new thing #it’s been there from day one #yet the reactions #anyway can you tell i’m still a little salty about the fandoms reaction to tai? #because i am #also book is killing this role and everyone needs to understand that #so many different emotions #honestly fandom reaction is a big part of why i’m not caught up #it’s fun to read the meta #even if I’m not watching #but some of the fandom reactions have been a massive yikes #especially in terms of reactions to ray and his mental health and passive suicidal ideations #and in terms of forcebook vis a vis topmew #anyway #ignore me #this has been a very salty post #i’m entitled to those once in a while #this post may self destruct #cap speaks

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

no by all means keep judging cartoon villains solely by if they get redeemed in the end. i know some of us like to talk about other stuff like characterization or entertainment value or nuance as something that makes a good villain. but i think the only thing that actually matters is if the villain ends up on good terms with the protagonist at the end. all the Good TM cartoons with Good TM creators make the villains die a Horrible Death for being Abusers or whatever. and all the Bad TM cartoons with Bad TM creators Forgive Fascists by not making them get publicly executed by the 14 year old protagonist in front of the 8 year old target demographic.

i mean im so glad that more cartoons nowadays are subverting the psyop to support fascists that a few queer artists and queer shows definitely invented in 2017. there are so many popular cartoons doing that. it's almost like there are more properties killing their villains now and in the past than there ever were of properties that didn't do this. and it's almost like whether the villain gets redeemed at the end is more about the context of the story and its themes leading up to a narratively sound decision.

but you know. a few queer shows made by trans ppl were popular and they didn't kill their fascists and even had the gall to make them nuanced while also looking into the harm they did. guess it's trendy to forgive your abusers now because like two cartoons said so. out of like 40 other similarly high profile works that just straight up hit their villains with a bus or smth. by all means. keep heaping praise onto that one show about how they "let their villain just be evil" instead of talking about anything more interesting. that's so subversive, everyone's doing it!

#shut up pandora #check off my 'monthly rant about the treatment of the creators of steven universe and she ra' #this is because of the 'praise' ive been seeing for belos btw #yes i love his panache i love how much he fucks up everything and i love how hes beyond redemption #thats not because he was Born Evil and has always Been Evil??? #ppl who show baby belos going out of his way to make calebs life a living hell and evelyn Rescuing this poor blond boy from his Evil Brothe #i am sending so many bad vibes at you rn #he isnt a good villain bc dana terrace decided to be 'subversive' by not redeeming belos #JUST being subversive while writing the story doesnt mean you make a good story being subversive =/= being good #hes a good villain because while his decisions are dogshit we can understand why he made them on an emotional level #and since gravity falls seems to be the golden standard for modern cartoons i guess #bill cipher also isnt a good villain bc hes evil and they killed him #bill is a good villain bc hes entertaining in the threat he poses #what makes a character a good villain is about stuff they do while theyre being a villain #dont just sum it up with 'duhhh they killed them at the end so its good' thats entirely dependent on the story! #anyway this is specifically about modern western cartoon fandoms #if youre telling me to watch shows that arent modern western cartoons or like. read a book then know that i do that already #this stuff isnt as big of a discourse topic in those circles but im talking about this specific circle rn

[solardistress]

everyone who is in the stanley parable fandom should somehow get sucked into the rabbit hole of the story and or characters and or the concept the game presents . not like ohhh i looove the narratorso much heres my design and lore for them for it kind of rabbit hole where you fixate on this character that like. you are making uo backstory for to the point it deviates from canon because youve gone too far from the game details or whatever but but really aanalyze the game the moments the dialogue for just a moment . mmfind the meaning in the words . find somethin g profound in the data the papers the desks the situation as a whole . you cant just . romanticize the characters. without. like. understanding them first . tou cwnt do anything with the characters until you inderstand them at a gut wrenching level . at least brush uo on their wiki once in a while ? play the game ? every now and then ? treat stanley right ? anyway if you like the stanley parable so much why cant you tell me about 432 and their situation . how profoundly sad their existance is and how you trea t them. how about cookie9? why do you hate themm so much. because of a review ? tou antagonize them for what ? the narrators doing ? bexause the narrator what . yeah . tou cant even explain his actions . go go play the game and hav eit rewrite your brain . go down the rabbit hole and bask in the true horror and unrealism of their situation

#how sleepy am i jesus christ #tsp #anywayy i think what im saying is pleade enjoy the gamr and the story it has actually theres so many little details and often all i see is #just. the narrator . the endings . stanley. yeah theres feeling and emotion but j want that in words i want to to see you understand it #i want to see you see it in your own way inderstand and process it in your own way and share that #i love seeing analysis posts !!!!! uughh nbrhh. not to say that like. the fanart isnt what i want no i love the fanart so much #but i wish there were more analysis posts or something idk #idk what my point was here #i love characterization . by the way . as someone who would write fanfics and has a pet peeve of correct characterization in fics and such #i just wish more people hnderstood the game as a whole and didnt just end up being like haha ships !!!!!!!! romance !!!!! like yes ! but #but also like they have something MORE than romance. something more intimate and close . not sex yeah sure whatever but they are #connected in the most horrible ways and connected so closely and lovingly and they are connected whether they like it or not #they hate each other they love each other they are each others world they are divorced theyve been married for eternity they would kill eac #other they woukd have sex they woukd kiss they would dance they would do so many things that arent romance oriented but still close in #so many fucking ways because they love hate each other and their relationship is so conplicated you think they just suddenly love each othe #no matter what now ?? after what. you think stanley is forgiving ? after being brought through hell over and over and over again? #no! they hate each others guts i tell you. but they still stick by each others sides because they dont belong anywhere else #theres love but not in any way any of us can think. theres love but not like that but also exactly like that. theres also hate #and its a beautiful mix of the two that allows them to get along so well and endure each other for so long and further #anyway fucking . i forgot my point #anyway go down the rabbit hole 👍 this game is insane and you should be insane about it too #but like. be insane about it . not the concept of romance in this game. do not pair them up just for the sake of shipping #understand their relationship. understand them. understand their circumstances. understand their problems their bate their love #them. understand them and how much they need each other. how they keep chasing and chasing and chasing only to run #in circles. anyway what was my POINT. i ront remember 👍👍👍 #i am . so sleepy

[songofwizardry]

hey there's a lot of shit out in the world but like. there's also 300k fanfics written as labours of love and exuberant comment threads on art that point out and gush over little details and there's people who spend hours sewing tiny details on their cosplays and there's fragments of poetry that get shared over and over and bring emotions over and over and there's entire communities of people built around 'we loved a story together' or 'we made a story together' and there's people poring over every line in a work and building theories together and there's getting together with your friends to have ridiculous fantasy adventures every week and yeah. there's some good stories here too yknow.

#text post #my post #yes this post was made immediately after d&d when i am emotional about the absolute fucking luck and joy of getting to do this regularly #but like #yknow not to quote the 11th doctor on you but it's TRUE we are all stories in the end #anyway i've been listening to lilli furfaro's stories a lot can you tell #just like. art and people and shared story and yeah #i got like three ao3 comments from the same person last week cause i'd left a comment on their work #and like. we don't know each other we've never met but now we've gone through each other pages and realised we feel the same way about this #and we have made each other smile with comments multiple times over the last week. that's fucking wild #like you know you watch a cosplay video and you see how many people and how much love and how much togetherness has gone into it #you recommend a book to a friend with your favourite passages underlined #you take part in a fic exchange and you make each other cry with words #you watch your friends roll dice and have emotions and fight and succeed and fail and you build a world together #idk idk i'd say i'm too emotional about this but i think i am the right amount of emotional actually #as lilli furfaro said. stories stitched together are how families are born

[bunnihearted]

ig i just personally dont rlly vibe w ppl who think that merely saying 'i wish they died' just to lighten the heavy weight of their overwhelming emotions (that they cant control may i add) is the same thing as actively actually murdering someone 💀

#did u know that venting can actually make someone feel a bit better and less inclined to act on thoughts..... #when u create environment in society where u force everyone to supress and hide all their ugly thoughts and emotions #those feelings will grow stronger and stronger and poison you #and that's why ppl eventually explode when it cant be contained anymore #ppl expressing things - that they prob dont even mean or want to be true or a reality #is nowhere near the same thing as ppl acting on it or causing others harm #but then also i am of the opinion that *everyone* deserves help and treatment. ppl shouldnt be discarded and labeled as broken or crazy #sm ppl have overwhelming emotions they cant control bc all of our brains are different. there should be *quality* help available for everyo #instead we live in a society that shames ppl. that push ppl into boxes and say #if u dont fit into this tiny neat little square u are ugly broken disgusting and reprihensible!!! #then they just banish u to the shadows where they dont have to see u or look at u #anyway this is a whole society thing that is connected to this issue in my braib #brain* #what i was gonna say was that i personally think venting and expressing your thoughts - no matter how ugly they are #is necessary for humans. esp when it's in a space where the potential target of the thoughts wont see #esp when there are no plans of taking yhe thoughts into action #asl long as u can separate complaining and venting ur frustrations and causing someone (undeserved) harm irl #thats just who i am and this is my blog and i dont appreciate ppl telling me #that i have to shove it all back inside and im not allowed to express anything #if you're a wasp who thinks everything should be bottled up. that everything should be expressed delicately #then u do you. but you do not tell me that i have to conform to your ways. i find your ways harmful and regressive #so maybe we should just go our separate ways huh? everyone arent meant to get along #theres no use in arguing or fighting or reprimanding ppl everytime u see smth u dont agree with #esp when all u see is a *thought* that causes no material harm to another person. then u should just be on ur merry way

[badolmen]

I think one of the hardest things for privileged leftists have to learn is that they can’t just automatically agree with the majority. They can’t just automatically agree with the opinion of the POC, the queer, the Jewish person they’re interacting with in the moment because ‘they’re the experts in their own life.’ Which is true! But there is no monolith. POC and queers and religious minorities are not some mystical pure hivemind that always agree on everything and have correct opinions all the time. People are people. What one person finds offensive another might not care about.

I feel like it’s very evident these days where you have some people of a minority saying x is bad and some people saying x is good. Which is correct? Well, you have to educate yourself and make a critical assessment of the arguments before coming to your own conclusion. But now you have leftists who are desperate to be the most agreeable person in the room with the ‘right’ opinions who waffle and fail to organize in any meaningful way because they refuse to let the subject at hand have meaning for them, personally. They’re so busy ‘listening’ to minorities they’re not actually thinking about what they’re hearing, they’re not processing the biases underprivileged people can still carry, they’re not critical of reactionary politics or propaganda so long as it’s what the people immediately around them agree on.

Grow a spine, pick a side, and actually have a framework for your political and social involvement other than ‘let’s be real niceys with everyone :)’

#ra speaks #personal #politics #sorry I am. so frustrated with some people rn. sorry that international politics can’t all be sat down like toddlers and told to play nice. #politics is MESSY and EVERYONE has ulterior motives whether they’re aware of them or now. look at behavoir and contrast it with words. #this feels like an offshoot of oppression Olympics ala ‘the most oppressed person in the room is always right’ no. no they ain’t. #you NEED to understand history and arguments and process them and come to YOUR OWN CONCLUSION #stop asking minorities to tell you how to think and feel. get up off your ass and make commitments. if they end up to be antithetical to #your beliefs - you can change! but you need an actual belief system to hold political movements and organizations against. #otherwise your just pouring water through a net and retaining nothing productive at all. #hm. anyways. #I have the emotional disposition of a chihuahua in an ASPCA commercial #👍 okay take care eepy time #oh god the tags. tumblr what the FUCK are you doing. why double hashes. wh. bro pls stop.

[l0ganberry]

Why can't Dogday be our Glamrock Freddy in the game?????😭😭😭😭😭

That would of been such a great idea! He's been on screen for 2 minutes and DIED!! WHY DO THEY NEED TO KILL HIM!?!?

#Whyy!?!?! #We could of had so much fun with him. #i want to have a dog to stay by my side as I am on the urge of risking my life in the abandomed factory. #He can give me encouragement or maybe even tell me funny remarks about the factory. #I WANT AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT CHARACTER!!! #WE ALL NEED ONE!!! #my mental health is shit and I know a crap ton of people on here are too #Don't lie to yourself #I'm being honest and so will you #I know what you are #but seriously #What was the point on killing him??? #He deserves more better #hell #He deserves the world #Not to die in the most gruesome death in the whole game #How dare they.... THEM MOTHERFU- #anyways #ranting #rant post #rambles #dogday #poppy playtime 3 #poppy playtime #poppy playtime chapter 3

[moe-broey]

Who's ghis fucking guy

#they let me out once a week. #what they don't tell you is that you can score bonus points in the therapy session by alarming them and/or making them laugh 👍 #anyways i've been stuck in a rut art wise a lil bit. i keep wanting to do big projects but idk if i'm ready for them.... #i have these really big ideas that capture really big emotions and esp in like. narrative foil/parallel way. #i really wanna. but it's actually very difficult LMFAO #there are some things i am always grappling with... but i can never seem to grasp it #well! nothing i can do but keep trying. you gotta #my art

[legionofpotatoes]

I played Season over the weekend, which if I had to condense "thematic meandering" into a videogame is probably what I would most closely end up with; but it was still a cozy chill time that targeted my very specific niche of robust cow petting mechanics. Followed by journaling the heck out of them.

I do think cute indies living and dying by their sincere desire to paint the human condition should never ever ever fall into the temptation of obtuse and nebulous worldbuilding that desperately needs to explain itself so it can function as an aesthetic blanket for their vignettes. Just keep it loose and metaphor-heavy, fellas.

Cause if you're not extremely, painfully specific about your intention with a story that centers ignorant tourism and historic preservation, you're gonna beef it, bud

#season a letter to the future #I have so many nitpicks but it feels mean lmao. in a very subjective sense I had a good time with it. I am a boring playstyle guy #scrapbooking and cycling in a pretty world is right up my alley. wish it wasn't so #man idk if I can call it what I want to call it cause it's so unclear of its own optics. the intention feels pure #for whatever good that can do in a context this god damn loaded :D but at least I recorded the froggies on my tapes #(a game like this does not need elaborate lore that it then fails to adequately explain anyway. that is a barrier to many of season's #emotional high points. shit just lacks clarity of purpose and happens as a given and banks on its aesthetic and melancholic context to #provide the necessary backbone for that punch. but then you end up revealing your hand and general flippant disposition towards this #nebulously coded cultural backdrop that you've constructed for ultimately shallow purposes. especially irt to the core ethos #like the game ultimately asks us if dispassionate preservation of a dying culture is more valuable than the vicarious experience of it but #then that binary is never meaningfully weighted since the protagonist survives and succeeds in either option BECAUSE of the journal and? #it all fizzles out in thematic incongruity. maybe it's my own hangups with glorification of legacy to such a manic degree #or maybe it's really just meant to be sort-of aimless and 'human' in that way. which again negates the need for this lore-brain barrier #just keep it simple without the oddly pedestrian mechanics of the literal apocalypse and the mass amnesia prayers and tell #the exact same story. with a tighter grip on the context of who the protagonist is in this land. there's your game) #text

[blu-engineer]

i'm ok btw today was just a LOT. i've been masking since i woke up and i finally got some time to myself so i think my brain is just excising the built up chemicals n such

#bluposting #i have this thing where i don't let myself express emotions to other people because it results in bad things happening #<- can you tell im on that dissociative grindset #anyway #a lot of things with very different emotional tones and flavors happened #so i think we're experiencing them all at once? ?? #if i ever have an angry outburst irl i am withholding So Much More.

[cecenyss]

My parents are angry. They lose their temper quickly and get ahold of it just as fast. They’re not violent—not towards people, anyway.

Quick bouts of rage come and go so fast it gives me whiplash. My mom will grit her teeth in an angry burst and apologize in the same breath. My dad slams cabinets and swears like a sailor and then turns and says “sweetie?” like nothing is wrong within seconds.

But the apology is said like a chore, the endearment sounds like a threat. I know that they’re not, because I know my parents. I know their mannerisms, I’ve memorized their moods. I can read them as easily as myself.

Those kinds of things are characteristics displayed in abused characters, and I wonder what it says about me that I know my life is good but I still show them. I know they’re not perfect, because nobody is; sometimes I despair over what they could have done better and how much more I’d love myself if they had. But despite that, they don’t hurt me. There’s no malice, and they don’t even realize when I’m in pain.

And yet I fear them. Fear doesn’t come from violence. I know that. But they’re not manipulative, they’re not unloving, they’re not malicious. They love me, and they tell me. Not just when they want something, just when they see me. We’re very big on physical affection, and we talk freely. I roll my eyes and tell them to shut up and they laugh.

And yet I fear them.

My dad snaps and swears loudly about how my mother is a pain. He never threatens me. I don’t think he even processes that he’s saying this to his teenage daughter; he’s venting. And there’s nothing wrong with that that I can think of. Expressing your emotions freely is healthy. But I say thank you more than I would, I don’t talk as much, I don’t crack as many jokes. I stay quiet and talk when I need to. I do what I’m told. I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m scared of hurting him or of him hurting me.

My mom ignores me when she’s doing something, and when I repeat a clarifying question she tells me I need to leave her alone so she can do it. But other times she’s focusing and I leave her alone and she asks if I’m going to help her or not, or if I’m going to just stand there? Sure, the situations are different, but I don’t know what makes one something I should help with or ignore. And if I try to ask, like sometimes do, she says I’m being silly and I should know. I stay quiet and do nothing so I’m not just goofing off; I sit there and watch her in case she tries to ask me something, and I try not to tense. I’m scared.

I don’t know if this is normal or bad. I never had chores; is that neglect or lenience? I don’t know how to clean or do laundry or cook; is that a failure on their part or on mine? Sometimes I’m asked questions in school about where I live and I know my address but I know it like something I’ve memorized, not the actual meanings of the letters and numbers of the streets and where they are and what’s next to them. Is that because I was never taught or because I never paid attention?

Parents aren’t meant to just hold their child through every single life experience. I know that. Sometimes kids are just lazy and it’s their own fault for not trying. But I don’t know which it is. I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or they are. Am I just playing the victim or should they have done better? I know that in the past few years I’ve rejected all attempts by them to do anything, because of depression. Am I responsible for what I’ve missed out on because of it? Am I meant to fix it now? I’m better, but not healed. I still need help, but I’m at an age where I’m meant to be independent. But I can’t. I just can’t.

I love my parents, but I resent them. Am I wrong for resenting them? Do I have nothing to complain about? Am I just being dramatic? I haven’t spoken with them about any of this because I’m scared; is it my own fault I haven’t tried to confront them? When things don’t improve should I blame myself for not pursuing change?

It feels like my mother holds my hand through everything I do. Is that my fault for not being more independent? Is it hers for being too indulgent? Is it both of ours? How does it get fixed if neither of us are going to change? I’m too scared to take any independence because it feels like there’s too much and I feel like I’m constantly on the brink of collapsing, but she’s too complacent.

She’s always complacent. I ask her for things and she promises them so I stop asking and then it never happens and I complain and she says that I stopped asking but she promised but never does it. She doesn’t do anything. Nothing ever changes. My father barely knows what goes on in my personal life.

But they are good parents. They don’t do anything wrong. But I’ve just said things they do wrong. But they mean well, so how can I blame them? I say nothing, so aren’t I just complacent? But I’m scared. Am I allowed to be scared? To do nothing because of fear?

A lot of my friends have actual serious parental issues. Several of them have dead parents. How can I complain about my problems when they have so many actual, active problems? I have a hard enough time opening up about actual problems I deal with that are serious but this one is so mundane and might not even be a problem at all. I can ignore it if I don’t think about it but when I do think about it I want to cry because I hate it so so much.

I started this wanting to make a point about how anger doesn’t have to be violent to hurt someone, but now I’m just venting.

Whenever I take on a new responsibility or activity or anything, it takes over everything. I stress about it all the time, I double think how I do it and what I’m supposed to do and excuses I have for why I did it this specific way if someone asks and how I’m going to explain every single little action and it’s so exhausting. How can I expect myself to deal with the processes my mom does for me when I’m barely holding on with the things I do now? I double think everything. I think I’m doing better but I feel like I’m inching forward.

I don’t bring up suspicions about having autism with my psychiatrist because I’m scared of being wrong or being right or how my parents or cousins or aunts or anybody will react if it’s true or if it’s not true and they found out I thought it was and every single possible change is so exhausting to even think about.

I tell my mom I want to go home while we’re sitting on the couch in the apartment that they’ve lived in since before I was born. I am home, but I don’t feel like it. I never do. I want to be safe, I want to stop thinking, I want to not stress, but it’s so ingrained in how I live and act that I don’t even notice it until I hyper focus on my life and what happens so much it hurts.

She tells me she hates it when I say that. We are home. I can only tell her I want to go home when we aren’t there because that’s the only time she’ll comfort me. “I hate when you say that. We are home. What do you even mean? Stop saying that. It’s annoying. I hate it. I hate it.”

She knows I’m depressed and I have anxiety. I have meds now, and it helps. But sometimes I relapse and I fall into this pit of pain and depression and I can’t tell her, I can’t, because I know that she thinks that I’m better now, I’m good, I can deal with it, because the problem is the chemicals in my mind and the meds help with that. But it’s not just that. I hate my life, I hate everything, I hate myself, I hate her. But I love her. That would hurt her. She would cry. I hate it when my mother cries.

I’m sitting in a rental car crying because I’m depressed and my father is right in front of me. He hasn’t noticed and I doubt he will. When we pick up my mother she might notice my dried tears, and I’ll tell her it’s a sad fanfiction. She’ll believe me. They both will.

I want to go home.

#I don’t feel entirely comfortable posting thiz #but I’m going to anyway #because sometimes you just need to get your emotions out there #this reads like poetry in some parts and just venting in others #tw: depression #tw: vent #venting #vent post #parents #I hate that this half feels like a writing piece #can I only express myself in poetry and in writing? am I nothing more than feelings to be recorded in pretty words? #I don’t like being candid with my feelings because it’s easier to phrase it artistically #my emotions are only valid if they sound nice on paper #my dad keeps pointing out things as he drives #I think he just had a child to have someone to tell things (bc he’s such a nerd /aff) #which is sweet but also not #but no reason for existing will ever feel good #because ultimately it all boils down to they wanted me to fulfill something for them #and I just want to live for me #times like this Catholicism really appeals to me on its base level #because they say God created us because he loved us and wanted us to live. so it’s right to live for me #just for me #but the idea of someone (God or not) being so selfless in their creation of a person or in general is so unrealistic #tw: long post