#EDIT: I lied I know one thing about Turkey and it's that they have very good coffee and tea over there

[solradguy]

Ah yeah Klasik Hit Şarkılar, of course. How could I have missed the news about Queen on Klasik Hit Şarkılar

#photopost #I don't know a single thing about Turkey or the Turkish language or music #so I have /no clue/ why Spotify sent me something this specific lmfao #EDIT: I lied I know one thing about Turkey and it's that they have very good coffee and tea over there

[randomingoftherandomness]

Secrets I Have Held In My Heart

A/N: Modern!AU, Soulmate!AU, Soul Mark!AU, Angst, OT3.

This is quite honestly one of the longest things I’ve ever done in one sitting. I am exhausted. My prose and tenses are probably everywhere and I am so sorry for it. Enjoy x

(Edit 20/1/2021) It has recently come to my attention that lies and slander have been spread about my character amongst persons in this OT3 community. They are malicious lies made with the intent to cast a shadow over my credibility and my good standing in this community. I only ask that you come talk to me first before you believe the horrible things that have been levelled about me.

Please take care of yourselves x

--

Booker smiles placidly when he catches Joe's eye from across the room and let's the pretenses drop the moment he ducks out into hallway, finding a spot of quiet from all the music and chatter of celebration in the living room. He really should be happy but as it is with heartbreaks, happiness is something you can only fake until it feels real.

He opens the door when the doorbell rings and kisses the cheeks of the latecomers in greeting. They awkwardly avoid his eye with shifty smiles as they shuffle past him. Booker doesn't blame them. It's an awkward fucking situation all around.

Joe's warm and happy laughter carries through the air, and Booker just feels his heart twist in his chest. The sight of his head of curls bobbing along in the joy of whatever joke one of their friends was making while his arm was slung intimately low around Nicky's waist was unbearable. Booker has enough self-respect in him to recognise it as jealousy.

He has been in love with his best friend for almost as long as he has known him. It had been ridiculously easy for them; Joe had no soul marks and neither had Booker, so it was the most natural thing to move in together after they'd both hit 33 and when Booker decided to offer his fine art restorer skills up to go freelance, they make plans to spend the rest of their lives together. It made sense and they were happy. Booker had had no intentions of ever letting Joe know how he had truly felt and that was the mistake.

It isn't that he dislikes Nicky. 

The man was beyond perfect and Booker could have never hoped to compare. From the briefest of familiarities, he knows that Nicky was a former theology student who left the seminary and is now deep in his work with a local NGO, well on his way to maybe working for the UN some day. He volunteers at a local shelter, helps at his church's soup kitchen, is handsome and funny, is a fucking Saint personified and looks great next to Joe when Booker looks like a twice drowned rat on his best day. It isn't that he hates the man. It's just that, well, Nicky isn't him.

Booker knew something had changed then. Joe had never looked at him the way he had when his and Nicky's eyes first met. And he knows Joe like he knows his own mind and there won't be any one as trusting or as kind. If he tells him he loves him, Joe would stay and he'd be Booker's, but that's not how love works and so he waits until the day they're both on the sofa watching a game and Joe turns to him to say, "Nicky's my soulmate."

Just like that. And because he could never hurt Joe, he smiles, nodding. "I figured he was. Congratulations man. That's amazing!"

There had been an indescribable look that crossed Joe's face when he said that but he hadn't lingered on it for too long. Joe's soul mark was on his left forearm set in stark, bold lines; a scimitar and a longsword threaded together with roses and thorns. Pretty cool and Booker made sure to tell him so.

That had been three months ago. Three months of waiting for the other shoe to drop, the inevitable moment when Joe says he's gonna move out and into Nicky's unit. For the second it hits his best friend that there really wasn't a place for someone like him in this equation. Two months of sitting around until he wraps up his current contract with the museum in the city and the curator takes him aside to ask him if he would be interested in working for a private collector in Turkey. Two years to work on a team of freelancers. Two years on the other side of the continent. Booker said yes with no hesitation.

"Hey, you good?"

Booker knocks his bottle of beer to Copley's. He is one of the newer persons to join their friend group but it feels like they've know each other for a very long time. His warm smile anchors Booker to the here and now and he is stupidly grateful for his presence. The man was steadfast and calm, and it made sense to Booker that he'd be the only one he told about his leaving. "Yeah. I'm ready to go whenever you are."

He'd snuck a duffle bag of his things out to Copley's house the day before and then two suitcases when Joe was over at Nicky's last night. Right before the party to celebrate Joe's birthday, he had brought his carry on out to Copley's car. His name was still on the lease and he has left instructions to help pay for his part of the rent until the end of the year if Joe would like to continue staying here. Copley will help ship the rest of his things after a month. All that's left to do is leave.

Joe had been looking forward to introducing Nicky to his family and friends, and this party was perfect for it. Booker feels bereft at the thought that this could be the last time he sees him in a long while and he cranes his neck to spy him in the center of the room, accepting a kiss from Nicky as the birthday cake is brought out from the kitchen. He holds that image of Joe, smiling from ear to ear and hopes he won't hate him too much for leaving without saying goodbye.

"Let's go."

--

His Turkish is passable at best but he gets by well enough. The rest of the restoration team were up and coming names mixed with pioneers in the field and despite the lingering heart ache, Booker finds himself pleasantly settled and happy with the work he gets to do. Everyone seems to be equally as excited as he is to be working on their employer's personal collection of paintings and sculptures, in addition to the rare books that Booker has never seen outside of museums and archives.

It's good work and it keeps him busy. It stops him from thinking about Joe too much.

Booker had found thirteen missed calls and twenty texts and ten voicemails when he lands. He hesitates only for a moment before deleting everything that wasn't from Copley or his work.

As if sensing he was being summoned by thought, his phone rings as he basks in the afternoon sunshine whilst reading a book on his off day, Copley's name flashes on his screen.

"You still alive, then?"

"Alive and kicking," Copley says over the line with a laugh. "I swear, Joe is going to eviscerate me one of these days."

Booker shakes his head, marking his page and setting his book aside. The sunlight feels good on his skin and he takes a deep lungful of air. "He won't. He's way too nice."

"You didn't see him glare when I packed the last of your things into the boxes. They're shipped, by the way. Should reach you in a week tops."

"Thanks. I owe you big time."

"Oh, you owe me more than big time. When I come over to visit, I want you pulling out all the stops for me. I want the five star experience, Mr Booker. No expense spared," Copley chuckles.

"Alright, alright," Booker laughs. "I'm sure I can rustle something up. Just let me know when, alright?"

Copley hums and they fall into a comfortable pause. "How are you? Really. Don't lie."

He tightens his grip on his phone, swallowing tightly. "I miss him every day but that's not new. I think I'll keep missing him for a while yet."

"That's normal. I'm not surprised. I think he misses you too, you know?"

"He has Nicky now. He doesn't need me. I'm... I'm just his best friend with a stupid crush that had made plans to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't fit in it any more and he deserves more than I could ever give him," He swallow tightly, licking his lips. "Copley, he'll be okay."

"But will you?"

Booker doesn't have an answer to that. When his things arrive a week and a half later, he accepts it and begins to unpack his books. He's grateful to have his familiar favourites and is eager to fill his shelves when he spots the edges of an envelope peeking out of a battered copy of Neruda. It was a letter and it was addressed to him, though the handwriting is unfamiliar to him.

Dear Sebastien, it starts and this clues him in that this person isn't someone who knows him well. No one outside of his employers and colleagues call him Sebastien.

I hope you don't mind. I'll be slipping this along with the books. I really do hope it finds you well. I don't have your number and judging by the way Joe seems to not receive a reply from you, you might have changed it. I would ask it from Copley but I do not know him well enough and you deserve someone you can speak to without any awkwardness. I write this letter because I want to know you better. It occurred to me that we have never exchanged more than a handful of words whenever we meet and it was always about Joe. I found myself curious about you even if it feels like I know you from all that Joe talks about you. He still talks about you. Even if it is in confusion as to why you left us. I don't write to judge you. I just want to be your friend. If you are amenable, please send your reply to me care of the address on the back of this paper. I hope that you do. I won't tell Joe if you don't want me to.

Sincerely, Nicky.

Booker flips the paper and sees that it's for the church he'd half-remembered being the one that Joe had mentioned off-handedly once. He rereads the words, thrown by the whole thing. He tucks it into his pocket, pushing it to the back of his mind as he focuses on unpacking his life. But the shape of it digs against his skin and he cannot help unfolding it every few minutes to read it all over again.

Each word was carefully pressed and written with intent. He finds his thumb brushing over the looping Joe, but it is the careful He still talks about you that decides things for him.

Scratching his chest absently, he tears out an empty page from his notebook as writes, If we're going to be friends, you'd better call me Booker.

--

The seasons change and his correspondence with Nicky grows from a weekly letter to every few days, to Booker posting a letter only to receive a reply for the one he sent two days ago when he arrives back in his flat. Booker takes to sending a box of baklava over an overnight service and Nicky sends him a handwritten recipe for his Nonna's tomato soup when Booker off-handedly mentions a sniffle.

Eventually it gets easier to talk about Joe and Booker tells Nicky on what he likes and what he doesn't, how to best care for him; he's allergic to a certain brand of detergent, he always forgets his scarf in the depths of winter so always stuff one in his coat pocket, he loves it when you caress his hair, he doesn't support any team in football but he loves watching a game and he always chooses the team that starts on the right side of the pitch, ask his mother for her recipe for lamb stew and make that for him when he's having a busy week.

Nicky never seems to be bothered by him telling him all these things and in turn, Booker learns that Nicky cannot function before his first cup of coffee, that he misses the quiet of his life in the seminary but he is glad he can do more as he is, that he has a few kids that he works with that he is hoping will get into gifted programmes that can help them excel in academia, that if he hadn't done the almost priest route, he would have been a doctor or a medic.

It was ridiculously effortless to be friends with Nicky and he finds himself actually looking forward to his letters and random bits and bobs in the mail. Sometimes Nicky sends Booker Joe’s sketches and he keeps them up on his bedside, keeping them in sight as he falls asleep at night. Other times there’s a picture or two, taken by Nicky, of Joe. Joe on the corner of the sofa, curled up and dozing, Joe eyes crinkling as he laughs at something. Joe with those ridiculous sunglasses they bought on a whim over a very wet Welsh afternoon.

As the first chill of the season sets in, Booker asks about Joe.

He's fine. Missing you. We're heading to his family's beach house. He said you both used to go together?

Booker finds that he can smile a little easier when the memories come or when it is brought up that Joe misses him. It still tastes a little bittersweet but he can be happy about how he had the chance to experience these things with Joe. Even if he hadn't been the one to keep having them. 

Yes. He writes, But you both can do this together now. Make sure you pack extra blankets for yourself. I'm sure you know that he hogs them.

Nicky replies with a box of Marks and Spencer Welsh Cakes which Booker thanks with an assortment of Turkish Delights. 

Their correspondence slows as the weather cools further. Copley, when he tells him about what’s happening over Skype, merely asks him if it i a good idea to be even putting himself in the same sphere as Joe and Nicky when he had moved across the continent just to get away from the heartbreak. 

“I don’t see how it couldn’t be,” Booker says over the sizzling of the butter as he makes the cheese toasties that Joe used to love for breakfasts. He scratches at his chest, eyes watching the way the cheese oozes off its side.

“Mate, I don’t think you’re far removed enough to actually know how catastrophic this could be.”

“O ye, of little faith,” Booker huffs, flipping the toastie. “At some point I would like to be able to exist in the same city as him without melting into a puddle of heartbreak. If being friends with his soulmate helps get me there, I’m all for it.”

“You are a masochist, Mr Booker.”

Booker laughs even as he burns his finger on the pan.

He works harder than ever, learning and improving his own techniques under the tutelage of his colleagues and can appreciate the opportunity. There's already talks of him going to New York after the New Year's to accompany some of the artifacts that are being lent out for display. Booker is climbing the stairs up to his building, head down, free hand rubbing at his chest and reading through the latest methods of restoration on his phone when he bumps into a person rushing down. 

“Oh, sorry--”

“Booker.”

Joe’s eyes are big and wide when their gazes meet. Booker blinks, breathes in deep before looking behind him to see Nicky watching them from his landing, exhaling shakily as he whispers, deep and with feeling, “What the fuck are you guys doing here?”

--

Nicky nurses his cup of tea from his lean against the window and deftly avoids the inquiring glare Booker keeps sending his way from the safety of the kitchen. Joe, on the other hand, is carefully prowling the space of his studio flat he has made home, obviously cataloguing the way his books sit on the shelf and the way he has kept the space marginally clean-ish, how there are pictures and sketches tacked to the wall behind the dining table, the clear signs of a life he has built here.

“Let me get this straight, you picked up Nicky’s mail from the church, saw my handwriting, and decided to come all the way to Turkey. Just to see me,” Booker says, gesturing at their backpacks leaning against his door. “Again, let me ask, why?”

“Why?” Joe laughs, throat clicking when the sound comes out rough and raw. “You ask me why I would fly out to Turkey in the middle of the holiday season just to see my best friend who left me without telling me he got a job in Turkey and was going to leave without even so much as a goodbye, and you are asking me why I would come all the way out here just to chase you down? Are you perhaps short of a marble!”

“And what was I supposed to do! Linger around you when I was dying every single time I looked at you and knew I wasn’t your soulmate? We were going to spend our lives together, Joe! I loved you!”

Booker slaps his hand over his mouth and turns away, focusing on his breathing. “You love me?” Joe says softly in the stillness of the flat.

“I did. I do and I’m sorry,” He sighs, feeling his chest shake with his trembling breath. He presses the heel of his hand to his sternum. “I do. And it’s okay, Joe. I know you don’t love me in that way. It’s okay. I just need some time away to figure out how to love you like you need me to.”

“And what do you know about what I need from you?”

Booker feels Joe come close and allows himself to be turned around to be face to face with him. “Do you know I love you too?”

“Yeah,” He chuckles wetly, rubbing his nose with the back a hand. “I’m your best friend.”

Nicky choose this moment to speak. “Booker, look at him and listen. It’s what I’ve been trying to tell you in our letters. “

There’s an insistence in Nicky’s gaze that galvanises Booker to turn to Joe and meet his eyes head on. “I love you, Book. I always did. I still do. Even after the bullshit you’ve put me through.”

“But Nicky--” “Nicky’s my soulmate and I love him too.” Joe smiles, eyes gone liquor soft when Nicky returns his fond look. “But I’ve loved you for the longest time, Book. I still want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

The itch on his chest starts to burn.

“And you’re alright with this?” Booker breathlessly asks Nicky, taking a step back. “This- This whole Love, Actually thing is a situation you’re okay with?”

“Yes,” Nicky says, standing to cross the distance between them. Joe reaches for him then, tenderly touching him by the elbow while Nicky slides a hand to his cheeks and Booker feels immediately overwhelmed. He parts his mouth to speak when he doubles over dropping to his knees when the fire spreading over the skin on his chest sends him to his knees gasping for air. 

Joe keeps a hold on him while Nicky looks him over with clear worry. “Fuck!” Booker groans, trying to arch away. Clawing at his shirt, he tears at it until the buttons plink on the floor as they fall. For a moment, he does not register the dark lines that spread over his sternum. Running shaking fingers over his raw skin, Booker barely holds back the awed gasp at the scimitar and longsword twined together with thorns and roses. 

“Well,” Nicky laughs softly, cupping him by the side of the head, sweeping him into a gentle kiss. In that second that their lips touch, Booker feels his heartbeat skip a notch. “I guess this answers things, doesn’t it?”

-- Epilogue --

“That’s the last of the boxes.”

Joe kicks the door shut behind him, dropping the bags in his hands to the floor, ignoring the evil eye sent his way by Nicky who had warned them against scuffing up the hardwood floors. Booker throws himself onto the sofa with a sigh and Joe, grinning like a maniac, does a running start before launching himself onto Booker. 

“Oof!” And then after a beat and a wiggle. “Joe, you’re suffocating me and I can feel your dick against my ass.”

They’ve finally moved into their first home together. It had taken a bit more effort after Turkey to keep their fledgling relationship going but all’s well, ends well and Booker is back with them after finishing up his contract with glowing recommendations and growing his contact list. Joe was ridiculously proud and he knows Nicky feels the same too. 

They’ll need to work hard over the next two days to spruce the place up in time for their housewarming. Their friends and families will be here and Joe cannot wait to show off his loves. Wrapping his arms around Nicky and pulling him along back to the sofa where Booker is, he basks in the happy warmth of feeling whole with his heart in one piece.

#joe x booker x nicky #booker x joe x nicky #joe x nicky x booker #the old guard fic #gab writes stuff #please dear god give me wisdom to never do this again #this was too long and i am FUCKING EXHAUSTED #I am going to bed

[germanicseidr]

Sinterklaas Debate

Zwarte Piet/Black pete is currently a huge discussion in both the Netherlands and Belgium. The faithful helpers of Sinterklaas, who give children presents and joy, are seen as racist by a very small group of people. This very small group of people are ruining a modern day celebration that has its roots in  pre-Christian Germanic spirituality.

I have incredibly fond memories celebrating Sinterklaas as a kid like any other Dutch/Belgian person has, so this issue lies quite close to my heart. That is why I am writing this long post. I will explain in short what the celebration of Sinterklaas is in its modern form and on what ancient pagan belief it is based. My fellow Dutchies are of course aware what Sinterklaas is but maybe by explaining this to non-Dutch people, they will understand better why we love to celebrate Sinterklaas with people dressed up in blackface.

Each year around the middle of November, the saint Nicholas arrives in the Netherlands with his steamboat and a group of helpers called 'Zwarte Pieten'. Nicholas then usually makes a small tour through the city where he arrives and is then greeted by the mayor of that city. Usually everything goes wrong just before his arrival to make the kids fear for their presents. Everything turns out alright in the end and Sinterklaas moves into a castle until it is his birthday.

On his birthday, 5th december in the Netherlands and 6th december in Belgium, Sinterklaas visits every house in the country with his faithful helpers and leaves behind presents for the kids. Only children who behaved well during the year receives presents. After his birthday, Sinterklaas leaves again with his ship back to Spain, his supposed homeland, until he returns again the following year.

Now this celebration is very old and it has seen many changes in the way we celebrate it. These changes were inspired by military conflicts that occured in the low countries during the 16th century.

The celebration of Sinterklaas is based on the ancient belief of Wodan and his wild hunt. There are still a lot of similarities between Wodan and Sinterklaas. Both appear/arrive during November, which was seen as the start of winter. Both arrive with a small army, Wodan is accompanied with the spirits of the dead and Sinterklaas travels with his 'zwarte pieten'. Both ride on a white horse, both are carrying a staf, both are depicted as old men with long beards and both are wearing a long cloak.

Now according to old pagan beliefs, you should avoid Wodan and his wild hunt like the plague. If you were unfortunate enough to see Wodan in the skies, you would soon die and join him in his hunt. To prevent this from happening, people gave offerings to the hunt. The midwinterhorn was blown as well to greet the winter and the hunt, a practice that is still practiced in the Netherlands until this very day. You could per example offer a carrot to Wodan's horse Sleipnir. Dutch and Belgian children give carrots to Sinterklaas's horse Amerigo in present times.

With the arrival of Christianity in Germanic territories, the pagan practices started to slowly die out. The church desperately tried to demonize most of the Germanic pagan customs and sadly Wodan's wild hunt was also on the church's list. The belief in Wodan's hunt was very strong, too strong for the church to completely root out so the Church didn't ban it but simply made it Christian by removing Wodan and adding a real existing saint, Saint Nicholas of Myra.

Saint Nicholas/Sinterklaas was born on december 6th in 342AD in Myra, which lies in modern day Turkey. Nicholas was from a very wealthy family and managed to become a bisshop. According to the church, Nicholas was able to perform several miracles from the day he was born. He was supposedly able to stand up straight in his bath and praise God for the miracle of his birth directly after he was born. He was able to memorize all the names of the stars visible at night as a child and refused to drink his mother's milk on wednesday and friday.

As an adult he performed more 'miracles' which led to the church declaring him as a saint after his death. Nicholas supposedly saved three innocent people from being executed. Another legend tells how Nicholas saved a man from selling his daughters into slavery by giving the man pouches of gold. Yet another story tells how Nicholas brought three students back to life after they were murdered by an innkeeper. This is how Nicholas became the saint of children, the reason why the celebration of Sinterklaas is all about children. Nicholas also saved sailors from storms by calming the seas, is seen as the protector of whores and he freed slaves from a group of Arabic pirates.

Now this freeing of slaves becomes an important subject in the modern day celebration of Sinterklaas because of the 'zwarte pieten'. Who are these zwarte pieten exactly? Zwarte pieten are the Christian version of the dead who accompany Wodan. There are two possible theories on the origin of the 'zwarte piet'. In both theories they are the faithful servants of the saint Nicholas but one theory suggests that these faithful helpers are in fact slaves who had been freed by him. In return for their freedom, they help Nicholas in his quest to spread happiness amongst children. The other theory simply suggests that these helpers are black because they climb into chimneys and get soot on their faces.

Why if Nicholas is from Turkey, does he live in Spain? The answer lies behind a military conflict between the Byzantine empire and the Ottoman empire. The remains of Nicholas were moved to Bari, a city in southern Italy after the invasion of the Ottomans into the Byzantine empire. Bari was once part of the Sicilian kingdom where Charles V was crowned as the emperor of the Holy Roman empire. He was crowned emperor in 1519 and became the leader of a large empire which included the low countries.

Charles V's son would later become the infamous Filips II of Spain. Every Dutch person knows the name Filips II. Filips II ruled over spain and the Dutch territories, he was a loyal Catholic who wanted to root out Protestants. Unfortunately most of the Dutch territories were Protestant. This lead to incredibly high tensions between the Dutch and the Spanish. Add the unreasonable high taxes in the equation and you have a powder keg that is ready to explode.

All hell broke loose in the low countries during 1566AD. Protestants were fed up with the Catholics and the 'Beeldenstorm' started. A period during which Catholic churches were plundered and destroyed. Filips II sent duke Alva to the Netherlands in order to sort out this problem but this only led to a war that would last at least 80 years until the Netherlands became a completely independent country.

During this whole conflict, Sinterklaas was seen as an evil Catholic saint so the whole celebration changed in the North of the country where the Protestants were the strongest. No longer was Nicholas the kind and helpful saint but now he kidnaps children and takes them back to Spain. He beats up children with sticks and kidnaps them away from their families.

It took until the year 1850AD for another huge change to happen. The conflict between Spain and the Netherlands was a thing in the past by now and even if the Catholics and Protestants still hate each other, the persecutions and witch hunts stopped and the Spanish inquisition was abolished by Napoleon Bonaparte. No longer was Nicholas seen as a boogeyman. Jan Schenkman, a Dutch teacher from the 19th century, published several books which showed the first depictions of the modern day 'zwarte piet'.

In the third edition of Schenkman's works, 'zwarte piet' appears dressed in the costume that we recognize today. The clothing seems to have been inspired by both sailors clothing, Saracen clothing and the clothing of servants. The now black servant of Nicholas became incredibly popular and virtually unchanged since the 1850's until the year 2016.

In 2016, a very small group of black people suddenly decided to declare zwarte piet as racist. This is currently an incredibly huge debate which leads to riots and civil unrest. Most Dutch people do not view zwarte piet as racist. Zwarte piet is black because of the soot is an often made argument or zwarte piet is actually a positive symbol against slavery because he is a freed slave, Nicholas did free people from slavery.

I personally do not view 'zwarte piet'as racist. Zwarte piet is part of our Dutch/Belgian tradition and changing an old tradition because some people feel butthurt by black face is a big shame in my opinion. I hope I have been able to give you some more information about the very long history of Sinterklaas and his zwarte pieten and I apologize for this incredibly long post.

Here are photos of: Wodan and his wild hunt, Portrait of Nicholas of Myra made by Carlo Crivelli (1472), Nicholas bringing three children back to life (1500), Jan Schenkman's depiction of zwarte piet (1850), Arrival of Sinterklaas in Purmerend (1885), Schenkman's depiction of zwarte piet that became popular (1885), A comparison between Wodan and Sinterklaas,

#Germanic Paganism #Wodan #Odin #Wild Hunt #Sinterklaas #Dutch #Belgian

[wolfliving]

Account of Lord Byron’s Greek residence

*I’m hard put to believe a word of this highly-colored account of Byron’s house in exile, but it’s hard to get more Romantic than this.  Extra points for the lack of paintings and the heaps of books covered with scrawled notes.

ACCOUNT OF LORD BYRON'S RESIDENCE, &c.

"The world was all before him, where to choose his place of rest, and Providence his guide."

IN Sailing through the Grecian Archipelago, on board one of his Majesty's vessels, in the year 1812, we put into the harbour of Mitylene, in the island of that name. 

The beauty of this place, and the certain supply of cattle and vegetables always to be had there, induce many British vessels to visit it—both men of war and merchantmen; and though it lies rather out of the track for ships bound to Smyrna, its bounties amply repay for the deviation of a voyage. 

We landed; as usual, at the bottom of the bay, and whilst the men were employed in watering, and the purser bargaining for cattle with the natives, the clergyman and myself took a ramble to the cave called Homer's School, and other places, where we had been before. 

On the brow of Mount Ida (a small monticule so named) we met with and engaged a young Greek as our guide, who told us he had come from Scio with an English lord, who left the island four days previous to our arrival in his felucca. 

"He engaged me as a pilot," said the Greek, "and would have taken me with him; but I did not choose to quit Mitylene, where I am likely to get married. He was an odd, but a very good man. The cottage over the hill, facing the river, belongs to him, and he has left an old man in charge of it: he gave Dominick, the wine-trader, six hundred zechines for it, (about L250 English currency,) and has resided there about fourteen months, though not constantly; for he sails in his felucca very often to the different islands."

This account excited our curiosity very much, and we lost no time in hastening to the house where our countryman had resided. We were kindly received by an old man, who conducted us over the mansion. 

It consisted of four apartments on the ground-floor—an entrance hall, a drawing-room, a sitting parlour, and a bed-room, with a spacious closet annexed. They were all simply decorated: plain green-stained walls, marble tables on either side, a large myrtle in the centre, and a small fountain beneath, which could be made to play through the branches by moving a spring fixed in the side of a small bronze Venus in a leaning posture; a large couch or sofa completed the furniture. 

In the hall stood half a dozen English cane chairs, and an empty book-case: there were no mirrors, nor a single painting. The bedchamber had merely a large mattress spread on the floor, with two stuffed cotton quilts and a pillow—the common bed throughout Greece.

 In the sitting-room we observed a marble recess, formerly, the old man told us, filled with books and papers, which were then in a large seaman's chest in the closet: it was open, but we did not think ourselves justified in examining the contents. On the tablet of the recess lay Voltaire's, Shakspeare's, Boileau's, and Rousseau's works complete; Volney's Ruins of Empires; Zimmerman, in the German language; Klopstock's Messiah; Kotzebue's novels; Schiller's play of the Robbers; Milton's Paradise Lost, an Italian edition, printed at Parma in 1810; several small pamphlets from the Greek press at Constantinople, much torn, but no English book of any description. Most of these books were filled with marginal notes, written with a pencil, in Italian and Latin. The Messiah was literally scribbled all over, and marked with slips of paper, on which also were remarks.

The old man said: "The lord had been reading these books the evening before he sailed, and forgot to place them with the others; but," said he, "there they must lie until his return; for he is so particular, that were I to move one thing without orders, he would frown upon me for a week together; he is otherways very good. I once did him a service; and I have the produce of this farm for the trouble of taking care of it, except twenty zechines which I pay to an aged Armenian who resides in a small cottage in the wood, and whom the lord brought here from Adrianople; I don't know for what reason."

The appearance of the house externally was pleasing. The portico in front was fifty paces long and fourteen broad, and the fluted marble pillars with black plinths and fret-work cornices, (as it is now customary in Grecian architecture,) were considerably higher than the roof. The roof, surrounded by a light stone balustrade, was covered by a fine Turkey carpet, beneath an awning of strong coarse linen. Most of the house-tops are thus furnished, as upon them the Greeks pass their evenings in smoking, drinking light wines, such as "lachryma christi," eating fruit, and enjoying the evening breeze.

On the left hand as we entered the house, a small streamlet glided away, grapes, oranges and limes were clustering together on its borders, and under the shade of two large myrtle bushes, a marble seat with an ornamental wooden back was placed, on which we were told, the lord passed many of his evenings and nights till twelve o'clock, reading, writing, and talking to himself. "I suppose," said the old man, "praying" for he was very devout, "and always attended our church twice a week, besides Sundays."

The view from this seat was what may be termed "a bird's-eye view." A line of rich vineyards led the eye to Mount Calcla, covered with olive and myrtle trees in bloom, and on the summit of which an ancient Greek temple appeared in majestic decay. A small stream issuing from the ruins descended in broken cascades, until it was lost in the woods near the mountain's base. 

The sea smooth as glass, and an horizon unshadowed by a single cloud, terminates the view in front; and a little on the left, through a vista of lofty chesnut and palm-trees, several small islands were distinctly observed, studding the light blue wave with spots of emerald green. I seldom enjoyed a view more than I did this; but our enquiries were fruitless as to the name of the person who had resided in this romantic solitude: none knew his name but Dominick, his banker, who had gone to Candia. 

"The Armenian," said our conductor, "could tell, but I am sure he will not,"—"And cannot you tell, old friend?" said I—"If I can," said he, "I dare not." 

We had not time to visit the Armenian, but on our return to the town we learnt several particulars of the isolated lord. He had portioned eight young girls when he was last upon the island, and even danced with them at the nuptial feast. He gave a cow to one man, horses to others, and cotton and silk to the girls who live by weaving these articles. He also bought a new boat for a fisherman who had lost his own in a gale, and he often gave Greek Testaments to the poor children. In short, he appeared to us, from all we collected, to have been a very eccentric and benevolent character. 

One circumstance we learnt, which our old friend at the cottage thought proper not to disclose. He had a most beautiful daughter, with whom the lord was often seen walking on the sea-shore, and he had bought her a piano-forte, and taught her himself the use of it.

Such was the information with which we departed from the peaceful isle of Mitylene; our imaginations all on the rack, guessing who this rambler in Greece could be. 

He had money it was evident: he had philanthropy of disposition, and all those eccentricities which mark peculiar genius. 

Arrived at Palermo, all our doubts were dispelled. Falling in company with Mr. FOSTER, the architect, a pupil of WYATT'S, who had been travelling in Egypt and Greece, "The individual," said he, "about whom you are so anxious, is Lord Byron; I met him in my travels on the island of Tenedos, and I also visited him at Mitylene." 

We had never then heard of his lordship's fame, as we had been some years from home; but "Childe Harolde" being put into our hands we recognized the recluse of Calcla in every page. Deeply did we regret not having been more curious in our researches at the cottage, but we consoled ourselves with the idea of returning to Mitylene on some future day; but to me that day will never return.

 I make this statement, believing it not quite uninteresting, and in justice to his lordship's good name, which has been grossly slandered. He has been described as of an unfeeling disposition, averse to associating with human nature, or contributing in any way to sooth its sorrows, or add to its pleasures. The fact is directly the reverse, as may be plainly gathered from these little anecdotes. 

All the finer feelings of the heart, so elegantly depicted in his lordship's poems, seem to have their seat in his bosom. Tenderness, sympathy, and charity appear to guide all his actions: and his courting the repose of solitude is an additional reason for marking him as a being on whose heart Religion hath set her seal, and over whose head Benevolence hath thrown her mantle. No man can read the preceding pleasing "traits" without feeling proud of him as a countryman. 

With respect to his loves or pleasures, I do not assume a right to give an opinion. Reports are ever to be received with caution, particularly when directed against man's moral integrity; and he who dares justify himself before that awful tribunal where all must appear, alone may censure the errors of a fellow-mortal. Lord Byron's character is worthy of his genius. To do good in secret, and shun the world's applause, is the surest testimony of a virtuous heart and self-approving conscience.

THE END

[twoidiotwriters1]

Written In The Stars XV (Harry Potter xF!Oc)

A/N: Tumblr malfunction as I was editing this and everything went to shit. But I hope it works now! Also, @omiwashere for some reason your url doesn’t appear to me as on option so i can’t tag you at all, perhaps you have another url?

Words: 3,252

Warnings: Bit of unicorn blood, bit of violence

Series’ Masterlist

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

Chapter Fifteen: The Creature in the Forest.

"It's too late to change the plan now," Harry lamented, "We haven't got time to send Charlie another owl and this could be our only chance to get rid of Norbert. We'll have to risk it. And we have got the Invisibility Cloak, Malfoy doesn't know about that."

On Saturday, the three kids -Harry, Mel, and Hermione- went to Hagrid's hut to take his 'little baby' away.

"Bye-bye, Norbert!" Hagrid sobbed as they disappeared under the cloak with Norbert beside them, "Mummy will never forget you!"

"Mummy," Mel shook her head, "why a dragon, why not another sweet, black puppy?"

They walked in complete darkness, voices catching their attention.

"Detention!" McGonagall shouted, "And twenty points from Slytherin! Wandering around in the middle of the night, how dare you –"

"You don't understand, Professor, Harry Potter's coming – he's got a dragon!"

Mel had to cover her mouth so she wouldn't laugh. She was beaming, Malfoy finally getting what he deserved!

They waited at the top of the astronomy tower. About ten minutes later, four brooms appeared in the night sky.

It was fast and easy: Charlie's friends were nice, they took Norbert as if it was an everyday thing, and they flew, they went further... until they were completely gone.

They were downstairs when Mel realized something important was missing. Before she could warn her friends, a voice came from a dark corner:

"Well, well, well," Filch whispered, able to see them since they forgot Harry's cloak back in the tower. "we are in trouble."

Mel was silent. She was weighing her options, what could she do to get everyone out of trouble.

She was a Dumbledore! Somewhere inside that pea-brain she had the social skills to make their way out of this mess.

"Harry!" Neville appeared next to McGonagall, "I was trying to find you to warn you, I heard Malfoy saying he was going to catch you, he said you had a drag–"

Harry shook his head violently next to her, Professor McGonagall saw him.

"I would never have believed it of any of you. Mr Filch says you were up the astronomy tower. It's one o'clock in the morning. Explain yourselves."

Mel closed her eyes, breathing heavily. This was it, if she didn't give a proper explanation, they'd be doomed.

But what could possibly explain the situation that didn't give them away?

Draco was found and he was telling stories about a dragon and Harry... they didn't get along with Malfoy, all the teachers knew that...

Mel took a moment to control her voice and then, in a very serious tone she answered:

"We lied."

Harry looked at her, Mel avoided his eyes afraid that it might give them away.

"You lied?" McGonagall asked harshly, "About what?"

Mel shook her head taking her time, she added:

"We wanted to teach Malfoy a lesson."

Her Professor nodded once.

"I see. I think I've got a good idea of what's been going on,' said Professor McGonagall to Mel's relief, "It doesn't take a genius to work it out. You fed Draco Malfoy some cock-and-bull story about a dragon, trying to get him out of bed and into trouble. I've already caught him. I suppose you think it's funny that Longbottom here heard the story and believed it, too?"

"No, Professor," Mel added in panic, watching Neville's disappointed face, "Neville wasn't supposed to hear it... but that doesn't excuse us"

"I'm disgusted," said Professor McGonagall, "Five students out of bed in one night! I've never heard of such a thing before! You, Miss Granger, I thought you had more sense. As for you, Mr Potter, I thought Gryffindor meant more to you than this. Miss Dumbledore, you've been spending your time with the Weasley boys, I should've guessed something was going on. All five of you will receive detentions – yes, you too, Mr Longbottom, nothing gives you the right to walk around school at night, especially these days, it's very dangerous – and fifty points will be taken from Gryffindor."

"Fifty?" Harry gasped.

"Fifty points each," said Professor McGonagall.

"Professor – please –"

"You can't –"

Mel put a hand on Harry's shoulder, shaking her head frantically.

"Don't tell me what I can and can't do, Potter. Now get back to bed, all of you. I've never been more ashamed of Gryffindor students."

Next morning was a nightmare, students were insulting her and every single one of her friends except for Ron. All of them were quieter, ashamed of what had happened, but she kept her head high.

She answered every question in class, worked hard to be the head of her year, she wasn't going to feel ashamed about helping Hagrid.

People weren't happy about that either, how dare she be so loud and know-it-all after losing so many points? Mel had to make her way out of her bad reputation soon.

Fred and George weren't bad to her, but they weren't acting as friendly as before. They were impressed about her skill with spells, but they also avoided her in public places. She didn't mind, that way she could focus on gaining more points.

Someone was definitely not avoiding her though, now that she'd helped Slytherin to go back on its first place. As a matter of fact, he seemed excited about their friendship now more than ever.

"Morning, Miss," Erick sat next to her during the morning break, "how's life going when you're one of the most hated people at school?"

"Could be worse," She said shortly, "Harry's miserable as well as Hermione and Neville. I'm not. I owe nothing to the rest of the students."

"Slytherin is beyond happy right now," He replied gleefully, "particularly Malfoy. If it wasn't for your major faux pas they'd be terribly mad at him, but he keeps saying it was thanks to him that you lost all those points... It isn't true is it?"

"He got caught before he could actually find us," Mel replied with annoyance, "Could you leave? If you're only here to brag about Slytherin's victory you can do that another time, I'm not in the mood."

"Calm down, I'm just teasing," He rolled his eyes.

"You never talk to me, but now suddenly you're so talkative," She snarled, "Sorry if I confused your friendly teasing with being an idiot."

"Well yes, you're forgiven," He chuckled. When he noticed Mel wasn't amused, he added, "I'm just seizing the opportunity to openly talk to a friend, it'll go away as soon as you save five kittens from the whomping willow or some bizarre adventure of sorts. I know you have a luck for that."

"Well I wish I had the luck to be left alone when I want to," She replied, "just go away!"

He stood up, as he started to walk away he added:

"I'll stop talking to you until things get better. Or I'll just stop talking to you altogether, who knows?" Erick said it carelessly, but his fists were clenched.

Mel didn't answer, she didn't know what she wanted.

Through the course of a month, Mel won thirty points for Gryffindor. It wasn't enough but she was doing her part, she would keep on working at least until they reached the third place.

Quirrell had given up and Snape was one step closer to get what he wanted. She had promised she wouldn't mingle in foreign matters, she needed to win more points for her house. So she decided to stay out of it.

Harry thought the same, he forced himself to forget about the subject and kept on studying. The only person that seemed disappointed was Ron, who couldn't wait to have another adventure.

Harry, Mel, Hermione, and Neville got a note during breakfast:

'Your detention will take place at eleven o'clock tonight.

Meet Mr Filch in the Entrance Hall.

Prof. M. McGonagall'

"Brilliant," Mel groaned, angrily biting her turkey sandwich.

"Follow me," said Filch once they were gathered outside, "I bet you'll think twice about breaking a school rule again, won't you, eh? Oh yes ... hard work and pain are the best teachers if you ask me ... It's just a pity they let the old punishments die out ... hang you by your wrists from the ceiling for a few days, I've got the chains still in my office, keep 'em well oiled in case they're ever needed ... Right, off we go, and don't think of running off, now, it'll be worse for you if you do."

Mel had a lot of opinions about all that, but she decided to keep it to herself, she was already drowning in troubles.

Their detention consisted of something easy: Hagrid would take them to the forbidden forest, yet she didn't have any idea as to why. Malfoy tried to refuse, it was fun to see his little cold eyes filled with horror.

"Look there," said Hagrid, "see that stuff shinin' on the ground? Silvery stuff? That's unicorn blood. There's a unicorn in there bin hurt badly by summat. This is the second time in a week. I found one dead last Wednesday. We're gonna try an' find the poor thing. We might have ter put it out of its misery."

"And what if whatever hurt the unicorn finds us first?" said Malfoy.

"There's nothin' that lives in the Forest that'll hurt yeh if yer with me or Fang," said Hagrid. "An' keep ter the path. Right, now, we're gonna split inter two parties an' follow the trail in diff'rent directions. There's blood all over the place, it must've bin staggerin' around since last night at least."

"I want Fang," squeaked Malfoy.

"All right, but I warn yeh, he's a coward," said Hagrid. "So me, Harry an' Hermione'll go one way an' Draco, Neville, Mel an' Fang'll go the other. Now, if any of us finds the unicorn, we'll send up green sparks, right? Get yer wands out an' practise now – that's it – an' if anyone gets in trouble, send up red sparks, an' we'll all come an' find yeh – so, be careful – let's go."

The groups parted ways, Neville firmly holding Mel's sleeve as they walked through the narrow trees.

"I shouldn't be here," Malfoy spat, "I should've shown them the letter and I'd be out of trouble-"

"You don't have the letter anymore. Even if you did, it would look like you made it up to get out of your punishment," Mel replied calmly, "stop whining"

"I suppose you must feel quite at home surrounded by beasts"

"Yes, and a rat like you must be terrified, you could be attacked at any moment," She rolled her eyes, "shut up, you'll attract the werewolves you love so dearly..."

Malfoy for the first time ever listened to her and stayed quiet. Neville was starting to hurt her arm, she gently asked him to stop and stepped away, shivering.

They had been walking for about fifteen minutes when Malfoy decided to scare Neville, sneaking up and jumping on his back. Neville got so scared that he shot red sparks into the air.

"You should've seen your face!" Draco cackled.

"Stupid!" Mel clenched her fists, "Hagrid is gonna get mad! We shouldn't be causing fuss while we're doing this, we won't find anything this way!"

"Who said I wanted to find it?" He frowned, "That's not my job, he's taking advantage of us"

"The same way you take advantage of Crabbe and Goyle cause they're big and can protect you," Mel snapped.

Malfoy barely reacted, shrugging.

"They're too stupid to make it through school on their own."

Mel was too angry to reply, she spent the next five minutes calming Neville and once Hagrid found them he was indeed upset about Malfoy's behavior, he changed the groups for Neville's sake.

Now Harry was coming with them. The blond kid remained quiet now, probably tired or pissed about was wasting his time. Harry and Mel didn't talk much either, they didn't want to disturb the creatures.

The unicorn's blood guided them to a clearing: The creature laid dead shining under the moonlight, one could imagine it was sleeping if it wasn't for the pool of blood surrounding its body.

Mel and Harry approached when a cloaked figure appeared crawling over to the animal, drinking the blood from its wound.

Malfoy let out a high, terrified scream as he ran away with Fang beside him, Mel and Harry stood there, terrified. Harry yelped in pain, a hand on his forehead.

He stumbled back and fell to his knees, only then Mel found herself capable to move, kneeling next to the boy and trying to uncover his face.

"What's wrong?" She yelled, hands cold as ice when she touched him.

The sound of hooves approaching and a tall figure jumping above them distracted her... a centaur. Mel watched as he scared the creature away, protecting them from whatever it was that thing.

"Harry," She stammered, looking back at the boy, "l-let me see!"

Harry looked up as the centaur got closer, helping them to their feet.

"Are you all right?"

"Yes – thank you – what was that?"

The centaur was staring at Harry's scar, she would've said something if he hadn't just saved their lives.

"You are the Potter boy," he said. "You had better get back to Hagrid. The Forest is not safe at this time – especially for you. Can you ride? It will be quicker this way," Then he looked over to Mel, icy blue eyes reading her carefully, "You vibrate. What's your name?"

It was a really odd thing to say, but Mel assumed centaurs were strange like that.

"Mel Dumbledore," She stretched out her hand, but the centaur didn't take it.

He nodded, "My name is Firenze."

He kneeled so they could climb over on his back.

Once they were seated, galloping echoed through the trees and soon enough two more centaurs appeared in front of them.

"Firenze!" One thundered. "What are you doing? You have humans on your back! Have you no shame? Are you a common mule?"

"Do you realise who these are?" said Firenze. "This is the Potter boy. The girl is Dumbledore's descendant. The quicker they leave this Forest, the better"

"What have you been telling him? Remember, Firenze, we are sworn not to set ourselves against the heavens. Have we not read what is to come in the movements of the planets?"

"I'm sure Firenze thought he was acting for the best," The second centaur spoke up.

"For the best! What is that to do with us? Centaurs are concerned with what has been foretold! It is not our business to run around like donkeys after stray humans in our Forest!"

Firenze reared on to his hind legs, Mel had to hold onto Harry's waist and he grabbed Firenze's shoulders.

"Do you not see that unicorn? Do you not understand why it was killed? Or have the planets not let you in on that secret? I set myself against what is lurking in this Forest, Bane, yes, with humans alongside me if I must."

Firenze then galloped away.

"Why's Bane so angry?" Harry asked. "What was that thing you saved me from, anyway?"

Firenze did not answer, he kept going and spoke only to make sure Harry and Mel kept their heads low to avoid hanging branches. Her mind was starting to divert when he spoke up.

"Do you know what unicorn blood is used for?"

"No," said Harry, "We've only used the horn and tail-hair in Potions."

"That is because it is a monstrous thing, to slay a unicorn. Only one who has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, would commit such a crime. The blood of a unicorn will keep you alive, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You have slain something pure and defenseless to save yourself and you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touches your lips."

"But who'd be that desperate? If you're going to be cursed forever, death's better, isn't it?"

"It is unless all you need is to stay alive long enough to drink something else – something that will bring you back to full strength and power – something that will mean you can never die. Do you know what is hidden in the school at this very moment?"

"The Philosopher's Stone! Of course – the Elixir of Life! But I don't understand who –"

"Can you think of nobody who has waited many years to return to power, who has clung to life, awaiting their chance?"

Mel didn't have to think, there was only one man who was capable of such horrors.

"Voldemort," She said in certainty.

"Harry! Mel! Are you all right?"

Hermione was running towards them down the path, Hagrid puffing along behind her.

"We're fine," said Harry, with a dry voice, "The unicorn's dead, Hagrid, it's in that clearing back there."

"This is where I leave you," Firenze murmured as Hagrid hurried off to examine the unicorn. "You are safe now."

Harry and Mel slid off his back.

"Thank you," Mel replied, "I hope we didn't get you in trouble for this"

"Don't worry about me, young Dumbledore. Worry about the dangers that might reach you," Without explaining, he turned to Harry, "Good luck, Harry Potter. The planets have been read wrongly before now, even by centaurs. I hope this is one of those times."

Harry was very agitated when they returned to the common room, he paced up and down as he told Ron and Hermione what happened in the forest, -with few interventions from Mel- he was sure he'd figured things out.

"Snape wants the stone for Voldemort ... and Voldemort's waiting in the Forest ... and all this time we thought Snape just wanted to get rich ..."

"Stop saying the name!" said Ron in a whisper.

But Harry was in his own head.

"Firenze saved us, but he shouldn't have done ... Bane was furious ... he was talking about interfering with what the planets say is going to happen ... They must show that Voldemort's coming back ... Bane thinks Firenze should have let Voldemort kill me ... I suppose that's written in the stars as well."

"Will you stop saying the name!" Ron hissed.

"Not saying the name it's silly," Mel countered, sitting still in her place.

"-So all I've got to wait for now is Snape to steal the Stone, then Voldemort will be able to come and finish me off ... Well, I suppose Bane'll be happy."

"Don't say that!" This time, it was Mel who reacted to what Harry said, "You won't die, think about a second where you're standing."

"Harry, everyone says Dumbledore's the only one You-Know-Who was ever afraid of," Hermione agreed, "With Dumbledore around, You-Know-Who won't touch you. Anyway, who says the centaurs are right? It sounds like fortune-telling to me, and Professor McGonagall says that's a very imprecise branch of magic."

"Maybe with humans it is," Mel shifted uncomfortably on her place, "but we don't know how it works with other creatures, who knows, they might perceive things differently."

"What do you mean?" Asked Harry uneasy.

Mel stood up and put a hand on his shoulder, it was the first time in weeks that didn't feel awkward to have contact with him.

"It means we know nothing... but we'll figure it out."

Next Chapter —>

Taglist.

@tiphareth2018 @vampiregirl1797 @siriuslysirius1107 @celestialhayi @omiwashere

#twoidiots writing #harry potter fanfiction #Harry Potter #harry potter xoc #harry potter x y/n #harry potter x reader #hermione granger #rubeus hagrid #ron weasley #minerva mcgonagall #draco malfoy #neville longbottom #WITT fic

[wheredowerun]

!!! 𝑾𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒐𝒌𝒆 𝒖𝒑 !!!

On Christmas Eve that year, she said she wanted to eat a cake, but I got off work late that day plus the bakery is far from home so I did not go and buy it. When I returned home, she saw that I did not bring the cake so she cried as if a baby wants her milk. After that, she told me she cried because I did not bring home the cake she want to eat, and I couldn't understand why a twenty something year old girl could cry because she couldn't eat a cake. Only now that I understand, she lied to me then, she cried because she felt that I did not care much about her.

The end of every month, she often work overtime until midnight. Our apartment is near her company but she still wanted me to come to the door to pick her up. On the other side, the street light is always brightly lit, and there are security guard 24/7, I always feel that it is unnecessary to pick her up, so I often tell her: "This area is very safe. , you don't need to be scared. " I wish I could shut my own mouth that time, she was just a thin girl who is scared of the night, I wish I could turn back time and hold her hand then it would be so nice. But right now, there is no more chance.

I remember one time, while playing my video games, she was next to me scrolling her phone while telling me that YSL just released a limited edition lipstick for Christmas. The boyfriend of her best girlfriend has been keeping watch right until 0 o'clock to buy a gift for her. At that time, I was losing three matches, so I said uncomfortably:

“Isn't it just a lipstick? what is so special about it?"

she angrily said: " But you never even thought of giving me a surprise, let alone spend your money on this limited edition lipstick. Just the thought of you buying me anything is already the happiest thing I could I ask for.” I replied: "But now that you remind me, what are there to be surprised by?" She said: “I don't want to give in even a bit."

After that, she frantically hunted for that lipstick, which I actually bought more than a thousand equipment for my game. If I could come back, I definitely wouldn't buy equipment anymore, would buy her gifts, at least like that, now, when she used that lipstick, she could remember me. It is just that, there is no turning back the time. In the past, I really like drinking, holidays, weekends and birthday all I think of is going out with my friends and have a nice time. So, I really like to gather in a lot of my friend and would find excuse to ignore my girlfriend suggestion of just spending time with her. I used to feel like spending too much time just the two of us together is just too boring.

She always said she wanted to go to Turkey, she wanted to sit on the balloon watching the sunrise in the valley, she wanted to feed the seagulls in Asia - Europe sea, wanted to take pictures in the cave hotel ... I always said okay, but I never plan it.

I scroll her feed the other day, I’ve seen that she travel a lot now, she went to many places, that’s so nice. She still shouldn't remember someone who just talked and didn't do like me.

There are so many things in life, from the small things at work, the pressure of the leader to the grumbles of my parents, so I always hope she can understand me, support me, I want her to speak less, back down a step for me. When she is mad, she is emotional, I still argue with her to see the right and the wrong. At the moment, thinking about those things from an outsider's perspective, I feel that I'm really a bad guy.

That day, when she packed up her luggage, I was angry, thinking that she must have been like the previous times, she will be angry for a few days then that it, she will come back. However, that day wasn't there anymore, there are no more argument that grab my attention, there was no tired sound arguing with me anymore nor were there a sound when she say she would not come back again. I don't want to think about it, just like any other normal summer day, she wore a familiar dress than she leaves.

When I realized that I had completely lost her, it was three months later. She deleted my weixin, blocked my weibo, deleted everything related to me on social networks.

She was not the same as before, did not write sad sentences after breaking up, but instead she post her daily stories, selfies and parties video, My message never received a respond again. It took a long time for me to truly believe that I had completely disappeared from her life.

I always thought, after all, when did she decide to leave me?

Maybe five months ago, she told me to come downstairs to pick her up, but I was busy playing games so I didn't go. After that, she didn't seem to tell me to go pick her up anymore.

Perhaps four months ago, she said she wanted to go to a restaurant to eat, I refused, making an excuse that it was too far to go, and then she didn't seem to invite me out anymore.

Perhaps three months ago, she found out that a girl from my department send a text message , she always said I should avoid it. But I was so upset with her, because I know it was nothing between us. But I remember that time she did not say anything to me.

I understand now.

What she wants is not to eat a cake, but she to know whether I have her in mind.

What she wants is not a lipstick, but what I can do to surprise her and bring happiness to her.

What she hates is not the girl from my department, but is because I did not cut off all unrelated people from my life.

i finally understand now.

[msclaritea]

The Consequences of Jean Paul and Food For Thought, an excerpt from Aurora's Feather: The Queer Decoding of The Sign of Four.

"Some things should not be hidden behind glass. They were made to be touched."

    “How small we feel with our petty ambitions and strivings in the presence of the great elemental forces of nature! Are you well up in your Jean Paul?"

"Fairly so. I worked back to him through Carlyle."

"That was like following the brook to the parent lake. He makes one curious but profound remark. It is that the chief proof of man's real greatness lies in his perception of his own smallness. It argues, you see, a power of comparison and of appreciation which is in itself a proof of nobility. There is much food for thought in Richter.”

Now, this was odd. Jean Paul Richter never became friends with Von Goethe, who disliked some of his literary methods. Goethe even dubbed him 'A Chinese in Rome' due to his perceived overuse of Orientalism in his writings..."but in Weimar, as elsewhere, his remarkable conversational powers and his genial manners made him a favorite in general society.”  Carlyle liked him.

Goethe spoke often of, especially in his play about striving and strife, itself, but so had other Romantics, so why use a quote from another author, already so close to the thoughts of the original muse it seems ACD has been using so far, especially if Goethe didn’t even like the guy?

You know something I have finally picked up on, is when having to look into historical figures, there is the official version...and then there is the rest that gets left out, which is a theme that seems to be peeking out from this story; that of an incomplete tale, searching for wholeness; the same theme that was used in BBC Sherlock.

Enter Warm Brothers: Queer Theory In The Age of Goethe by Robert Tobin, which contributed to most of the following information.

                Jean Paul

Johann Paul Friedrich Richter at one point changed his name from it’s more German sound to Jean Paul, which was French and what German society considered effeminate.

While most Romantic novelists wrote in the positive about Marriage, he usually wrote the experience as a negative; a deadly trap.

When he decide to marry, J.P. was quoted as saying “what he wanted was a woman to cook for him”.

18th century blurred the lines between homosexuality and heterosexuality. A person could have several ‘friends’ of different sexes, but could only love one person. Under the guise of friendship, people could say and write things that sound incredibly queer. Some men did not want their spouses to know about their letters, but others who were more pro-feminine, shared their lifestyle with their wives.

He coined the term “love of friends” used as a term among German homosexuals in the 20th century.

Jean was upset with the Christian faith, in part because he could not engage in health, fun horseplay with his male friends.

He once wrote to a friend, "Love must have something physical, a twig, down to which it flies. Send me a twig!” 

   (Seriously, these German dudes are killing me!)

Jean Paul is...or should be...considered an important voice in Love, Romance, and Homosexuality in German literature.

His novel Siebenkas is about Same Sex Desire, Orientalism, and a Love Triangle. From Transcendental Masturbators: Jean Paul's Siebenkas:

"Siebenkäs found Jean Paul leveling a more general critique at the Romantics and at Fichtean Idealism. This novel has been called “the first German marriage novel.” It appeared at a time in which the theory of marriage and the theory of self-consciousness were curiously intertwined. Jean Paul's critique of philosophical language threatened the self-understanding of German Idealism, construing it as a radicalization rather than a partial repudiation of the Enlightenment. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe's Wahlverwandtschaften showed that a married couple has sex while committing imaginary adultery. The erotics in the Wahlverwandtschafte imagined the four partners (real and imaginary) in four different sexual arrangements."

  Orientalism

The Orient had a reputation of an ‘excess of intercourse’ and that it ‘exuded dangerous sex’. It is probably not a coincidence that increase in colonization to parts of the Orient run parallel to the popularity of it’s ‘Sexual Exoticism’ in widespread European literature. Germany reinforced cliches about Sex and the Orient, codified and promoted them in literature and philosophy.

The 19th century British explorer Richard Burton mapped out what he called the SOTADIC ZONE; an area outside of Europe that seemed more prevalent to Homosexuality and Pederasty. (For Burton, pederasty and homosexuality were "geographical and climatic, not racial," meaning it could be found in all the red bits.)

The countries included Morocco, Tahiti, Siam, the West Indies, Northwest America, India, Arabia, Algiers, Egypt, Turkey, China, Siberia, Italy, Constantinople and more within this zone.

Many Europeans, including Wilde, regarded North Africa as ‘a playground full of potential partners’. Italy was well known for its male prostitutes. Hans Christian Anderson was quite ‘distracted’ by them.

Goethe penned an Orientalist novel The East-Western Divan. It turns out that among Goethe’s many interests, it included Eastern Religion and Literature. In an amenable nod to Jean Paul, he stated that “A man who has 'penetrated' the breadth, height, and depth of the Orient, will find that no author had approached the Eastern poets and other authors more than Jean Paul.”

From Holmes quoting Jean Paul, if one were to assume that he wasn't merely referring to Paul's general philosophies, but his other 'foods for thought', then that would have to point to the German novelist being an advent for same sex male friendship AND desire, his use of Orientalism, in Paul's case, BOTH of very close male-male friendships, and Exotic male bodies. He wrote novels, poetry, and papers on the subject, particularly about the acceptance of close male friendships, be they homo-social, homosexual, or otherwise.

(Incidentally, the story within the story of Small, and his exotic adventures...where is it set, again?)

"In response to an ongoing public feud between a local Gay poet and a known homophobe, Goethe took up the cause of homosexuality when it was under massive attack. The attacks had begun in earnest in 1807, not only in response to Goethe’s championing of Winkelmann in his essay of 1805, but in a politically charged campaign against the supposedly treasonous Homosexual Johannes Muller...the attacks on Muller, one of the most celebrated historians of his day, were venomous, for the first time, bringing Nationalism to bear on the interpretation of Homosexuality (at the same time, incidentally, when anti-semitism took on a particularly modern virulence)”

“Man, esthetically is after all much more beautiful, superior, more complete than woman. Once it had arisen, such a feeling then can veer off easily into the animalistic, brutishly physical. Pedarastry is as old as Humanity, and we can therefore say that it is found In nature, even as it is AGAINST nature.”

At this point in the meta, I was almost finished, and had saved Jean Paul for one of the last pieces. I almost stopped here, but I kept having a thought: WHAT IF 'FOOD FOR THOUGHT' REFERRED TO SOMETHING ELSE? A POEM OR OTHER BOOK BY PAUL?

From Amazon: "Life of Jean Paul F. Richter Volume 2", by Eliza Buckminster Lee and William Howitt, is a replication of a book originally published before 1845. It has been restored by human beings, page by page, so that you may enjoy it in a form as close to the original as possible."

This book includes a quote, from a critic, on a piece of work:

Only...the critic above was not speaking about Jean Paul, but Fredrich Schiller, and his highly praised piece of work,

The Philosophical and Aesthetic Letter and Essays of Schiller.

 Johann Christoph Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805) is best known for his immense influence on German literature. In his relatively short life, he authored an extraordinary series of dramas, including The Robbers, Maria Stuart, and the trilogy Wallenstein. He was also a prodigious poet, composing perhaps most famously the “Ode to Joy” featured in the culmination of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony and enshrined, some two centuries later, in the European Hymn.[1] In part through his celebrated friendship with Goethe, he edited epoch-defining literary journals and exerted lasting influence on German stage production. He is sometimes referred to as the German Shakespeare; his are still among the most widely produced German plays both in Germany and internationally.

In addition to his literary accomplishments, Schiller was a formidable philosophical thinker. Between 1791 and 1796, he authored a range of theoretical works that are both sophisticated and original. These writings primarily concern aesthetics, but they stake out notable positions on ethics, metaphysics, ontology, and political theory as well. Together, his essays helped shape one of the most prolific periods of German philosophizing; since then, they have served as a significant source of philosophical insight from an aesthetic practitioner of the highest standing.

"As we shall see, Schiller’s solution to Kant’s belief that morality can only be achieved by negating man’s negative sensuous impulses, is to educate the emotions of man, in order to bring them into harmony with reason. For Schiller, a human being who has achieved such harmony, by transforming his selfish, infantile erotic emotions into agape of truth, justice, and beauty, is a “beautiful soul.” Moreover, since only such a person is truly free, durable political freedom can only be achieved by deliberately fostering such an aesthetical education of man’s emotions among the population. Because Schiller’s writings are such a devastating critique of the philosophical basis for continuing oligarchical oppression of humanity, academic agents of the oligarchy, taking advantage of the abstraction of Schiller’s argument, have gone so far as to attempt to deny his opposition to Kant, even to the point of lyingly portraying him as a Kantian".

Thomas Mann did a life-long study of Schiller in Queer terms for decades, and asserted in his last work Essay on Schiller, that the philosopher had an intense love for Goethe:

"The great adventure of his life, his experience of passion, of passionate attraction and repulsion, of deep friendship, deep desire and admiration; of give and take, of jealousy, of melancholy, envy and proud self-assertion, of lasting, affective tension...was an event between man and a man. It was his relationship with Goethe."  Mann asserts that Schiller was the completely 'masculine' writer, that wanted to attribute to Goethe a 'feminine manner'.

The intense male friendships in many of Schiller's works have resulted in the inclusion of his works in various compilations of 'Gay Literature', including Bullough's Bibliography of Homosexuality. His piece Wallenstein is a known source for Gay Male History. During Schiller's time and beyond, his work was considered so Queered, that it seems 'The Appropriation of Schiller' actually became a thing. You will find his influence in plays, essays, adaptations, cinema.

So prominent was the talk about Schiller's perceived Homosexuality in Queer circles, that a Satirical magazine, Jugend, featured in one issue a drawing of two boys, resting, and overlooking a bridge and a tower, complete with a quote from Schiller. Sascha Schneider, untitled, 1897, Queer Schiller?

 From Warm Brothers: "Let us leave the realm of psychoanalysis and return to Schiller . As Jane Bennett points out, confining Schiller to the purely abstract, to concepts like humanity and liberty vitiates his most heartfelt beliefs. Schiller was quite capable of writing abstract theses but chose instead, to write dramatic plays. In the abstract thesis, he went to bat for Aesthetics...for that realm of experience that attempted to bridge the gap between the mind and body; that attempted to connect sensual pleasure with thought. Schiller's hope, in the Letters of Aesthetic Education on Humanity, was that people could will to do what they ought to do. 'The 'willing' is often a sensual, physical, bodily act. The drama attempts as to flesh out the moral problems that Schiller confronts by giving these problems to people with actual bodies. By ignoring the sensual, physical, bodily in Schiller's dramas, readers have tended to turn him into an intellectual, concept artist, which is at odds with his philosophy of art. Schiller had begun his career with writings on the mind/body problem, inspired by the medical models that denied the separation."

Faust is academically seen as a treatise on Schiller's Letters. And the skull that Faust has is based on the actual skull of Schiller's that Johann kept for a short time.

If HoImes sees himself in this story, as Goethe and Watson as Schiller, he may have just hinted to Watson that he is a man of faults, but that he yearns to have a more human existence; a friendship that goes beyond the platonic, and to be made whole, through a sensual, physical act.

After all of this, everything just seemed to go quiet. I stopped working for a while, and started to cry.   

@sarahthecoat  @possiblyimbiassed  @holmezyan  @theconsultinglinguist @iamsherlockedbyholmes @impossibleleaf  @raggedyblue  @elldotsee @gosherlocked  @elwinglyre @consulting-nerd-of-many-things @bluebluenova @devoursjohnlock @may-shepard

#i think this is what might be called a love confession #aurora's feather #happy 29 anniversay #johnlock #johann von goethe #faust #schiller

[theonyxpath]

Let’s start serious and move towards our yearly Thanks blog at the end.

I’ve heard from a lot of you asking if the recent messages that White Wolf have posted on their social media are something that will be bad for Onyx Path. As of this writing, everything we’ve heard from over there is that it’s business as usual between our companies. We are still going to be sending projects over for approvals, they are still the ones who OK our pitches for new WW-IP projects, and we’re still running our successful Chicago By Night KS, the first licensed V5 TTRPG supplement.

So fear not, True Believers!

I mean, I just had to channel Stan Lee there, after last week’s MMN blog.

Which was, oddly enough, the least commented-on blog I think I’ve ever posted. Very strange, but I’m just assuming you were all in mourning for Stan, too.

In case you missed it last week, here is the lovely graphic our own Impish Ian Watson made to show what game lines are wholly Onyx Path‘s, the ones at the top, and which are licensed from whom:

I actually didn’t think we’d need it again so soon, but there does seem to be a fair bit of confusion out there, so feel free to point to this if you need to explain things to a friend.

And that’s one of the awesome Chicago By Night full-page pieces up there at the top, illustrated by the amazing Michael Gaydos. More Chicago Kickstarter news – we’re headed into the last week! – down below in The Blurbs!

    Trinity Continuum: Aeon art by Sam White

    A bit of related news:

One of the first times I ever heard of Matthew Dawkins, who is our Chicago By Night developer, was when he interviewed me for his YouTube channel a whole bunch of years ago. From then, his Gentlemam Gamer videos have taken deep dives into many of the White Wolf (and other) games, and were very helpful in explaining aspects of V5 during this last year.

Now, Matthew has agreed to create a series of Gentleman Gamer videos for our Onyx Path games starting with the pantheons in Scion 2nd Edition, and you’ll also be seeing Matthew in other ways too, as he helps ramp up our online gaming presence. More on that in the weeks to come!

BUT DON’T WORRY, his dulcet tones are still going to be appearing weekly on the Onyx Pathcast – which this coming Friday features Dixie interviewing Jacqueline “Jax” Bryk with a one-on-one covering not just her work with us, but throughout the TTRPG biz, and how she has become one of our industries leading lights for safe play game writing.

    Trinity Continuum: Aeon art by Marco Gozales

    And now, the thanks!

Let’s start with the newest member of our Monday Meeting team, Dixie Cochran:

I am thankful that the whole Onyx Path team gave me the opportunity to work on these books in a greater capacity this year. I am thankful that Eddy, Matthew, and Rich are always supportive and willing to answer my many questions, and that Rose Bailey recommended me for this job as she moved on to a new stage in her career. I am thankful for all of my amazing Chronicles of Darkness and Exalted developers, writers, and fans, who continue to do amazing work and be a wonderful community. I am also thankful for lovely editors and indexers, Word’s “track changes” function, and Oxford commas.

From the art and layout side of things, there are these points from Mirthful Mike Chaney, in no particular order he tells me:

Thankful our first Storypath IPs are really close to being done and ready to release.

Thankful our non WW stuff has been continually well received…

Thankful that Wraith 20 is almost done… and Scion…

Thankful my wife is still as into 40k as I am… now if I could only get her into D&D 5e.

Thankful that the midterms weren’t an utter shitshow.

Thankful that I still get to work with all of you and still get to make game books after all these years. 

Our marketing guru and developer/writer extraordinaire Monica Valentinelli shares these thoughts:

I’d like to thank fans for their continued support and enthusiasm. People are really excited for the games we make, and that’s the reason why I do what I do.

Here’s Eddy Webb, with his thanks:

I continue to be thankful for all of the fans of Realms of Pugmire.

I am thankful that Monarchies of Mau is shipping (and ahead of schedule!)

I am thankful to find so many people who are really excited about our upcoming Storypath games like Scion, Trinity Continuum, They Came From Beneath The Sea!, and Dystopia Rising: Evolution.

And I am thankful that there are still people who love and support Onyx Path Publishing.

Mighty Matt McElroy takes a long sip of coffee and sez:

I want thank everyone who has had the time and energy to introduce an Onyx Path game to someone new. Whether that is inviting someone to join your gaming group or running a demo at a convention, this past year has been an amazing opportunity to meet new gamers around the world.

Our behind-the-scenes keeper of the flame, LisaT has these thanks to share with all of you:

I am thankful again this year for the opportunity to work with so many talented and creative people. And this year I had the opportunity to meet a number of them face to face along with many fans of our products. I’m looking forward to meeting even more of you at PAX Unplugged in Philadelphia in just a couple of weeks. So if you’re in town stop by and become part of what I’m thankful for for next year!

Impish Ian Watson, lord of Bloodlines modding, also does some other stuff he has thanks about:

I’m thankful that, after years toiling in the word mines, the Trinity Continuum and Æon are almost done, and we’ve done a significant chunk of the next two supplements, plus Aberrant. I can’t wait for people to see the fruits of our labours.

I’m thankful to Trinity‘s Kickstarter backers for having faith in us.

Let’s see what sort of thanks Mr. Dawkins has to share:

Yo Gentlemaniacs, it’s Thanksgiving night, and this is the happiest time of year for all the maniacs, brother! You know, me and all my little Gentsters, we got a lot of things to be thankful for. Number one: we’re thankful for being happy and very healthy. We’re thankful for having time to share with our loved ones. We’re also thankful that Gentlemania is still the strongest force in the universe. And after the turkey’s done, after the blessings are all done, I can tell you what the Gentleman is mostly happy about: it’s SURVIVOR SERIES TIME! And I’m thankful for my team of Gentlemaniacs!!

That, and Onyx Path are pretty cool.

Uhhhhh. He may be cracking under the pressure. Hard to say.

From me:

I sometimes sit at my desk, stunned by the realization that I still get to do this after all these years and I’m thankful for that – a lot! Thanks to our creative freelancers who continue to find delightful new ways to verbally and visually describe our game worlds, and our full-time folks who orchestrate all this rampant creativity into the formats and pages that we all love to read and play. Thanks to all of our associated partner companies that give us the reach to deliver and communicate this thing we do to all of you!

Which, of course, actually brings me to all of you and all of our community who have supported us through our growing pains, lo! these many years, and even through pains not of our choosing! Without this intricate eco-system that includes all of us and all of you, we just would not have been able to keep building all our game lines and worlds!

Thank you.

Many Worlds, One Path!

  BLURBS!

KICKSTARTER:

Lo the darkness that lies like a pall over Chicago.

The V5 Chicago By Night Kickstarter has passed 200% funding and continues to knock through Stretch Goals like the El through a sleet storm! Congrats to the whole team and all our backers, as we continue to build the Chicago Folio with Cam, Anarchs, and Independent sections and the Let The Streets Run Red Chronicle Collection, as well as activate additional projects too!

We’d be thrilled if you’d give it a look here: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/200664283/chicago-by-night-for-vampire-the-masquerade-5th-ed/description

And here is a Q&A Matthew and several of his writing team held on his Gentleman Gamer YouTube channel that goes into a lot of their thinking about Chicago By Night and then they answer questions from the chat: https://youtu.be/v8YbbzEPuiI

  Next up, we’re working on the Kickstarter for They Came From Beneath the Sea! (TCFBtS!), which has some very different additions to the Storypath mechanics we’ll be explaining during the KS.  They take an excellent 50’s action and investigation genre game and turn it to 11! Our current plan is to start on Dec 18th but run it extra long into January!

  ELECTRONIC GAMING:

      As we find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is now live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is both rolling and rocking!

Here are the links for the Apple and Android versions:

http://theappstore.site/app/1296692067/onyx-dice

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.onyxpathpublishing.onyxdice&hl=en

Three different screenshots, above.

And our latest, the dice for Werewolf: The Forsaken 2e:

  ON AMAZON AND BARNES & NOBLE:

You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble).

If you enjoy these or any other of our books, please help us by writing reviews on the site of the sales venue you bought it from. Reviews really, really help us with getting folks interested in our amazing fiction!

Our selection includes these fiction books:

Vampire: The Masquerade: The Endless Ages Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: Rites of Renown: When Will You Rage II (Kindle, Nook)

Mage: The Ascension: Truth Beyond Paradox (Kindle, Nook)

Chronicles of Darkness: The God-Machine Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Mummy: The Curse: Curse of the Blue Nile (Kindle, Nook)

Beast: The Primordial: The Primordial Feast Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Masquerade: Of Predators and Prey: The Hunters Hunted II Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: The Poison Tree (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: Songs of the Sun and Moon: Tales of the Changing Breeds (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Requiem: The Strix Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Forsaken: The Idigam Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Mage: The Awakening: The Fallen World Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Masquerade: The Beast Within Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Werewolf: The Apocalypse: W20 Cookbook (Kindle, Nook)

Exalted: Tales from the Age of Sorrows (Kindle, Nook)

Chronicles of Darkness: Tales of the Dark Eras (Kindle, Nook)

Promethean: The Created: The Firestorm Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)

Demon: The Descent: Demon: Interface (Kindle, Nook)

Scarred Lands: Death in the Walled Warren (Kindle, Nook)

V20 Dark Ages: Cainite Conspiracies (Kindle, Nook)

Chronicles of Darkness: Strangeness in the Proportion (Kindle, Nook)

Vampire: The Requiem: Silent Knife (Kindle, Nook)

Mummy: The Curse: Dawn of Heresies (Kindle, Nook)

  OUR SALES PARTNERS:

We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the Screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there!

https://studio2publishing.com/search?q=pugmire

And we’ve added Prince’s Gambit to our Studio2 catalog: https://studio2publishing.com/products/prince-s-gambit-card-game

  Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Try this link! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Onyx-Path-Publishing/

Here’s the link to the press release we put out about how Onyx Path is now selling through Indie Press Revolution: http://theonyxpath.com/press-release-onyx-path-limited-editions-now-available-through-indie-press-revolution/

And you can now order Pugmire: the book, the screen, and the dice! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/manufacturers.php?manufacturerid=296

    DRIVETHRURPG.COM:

This Wednesday is a cornucopia of delicious choices!

Featuring: electronic wallpapers previously only available to Kickstarter backers for Changeling: The Dreaming 20th, W20 Shattered Dreams, V20 Beckett’s Jyhad Diary, Pugmire, Dark Eras, and Prince’s Gambit on DTRPG!

Followed up by Monarchies of Mau symbol t-shirts on our Red Bubble store, as a lead-in to next week and the release of Mau in PDF and PoD versions to the public!

  CONVENTIONS!

Rich, Lisa, Matt, Eddy, Dixie, Danielle, and other Onyx Path writers and developers will be at PAX Unplugged in Philly, November 30th – December 2nd running demos of Scion, Monarchies of Mau, Exalted, and more! http://unplugged.paxsite.com/

Start getting ready for our appearance at MidWinter this January in Milwaukee! So many demos, playtests, secret playtests, and Onyx Path Q&As you could plotz!

  And now, the new project status updates!

DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM FAST EDDY WEBB (projects in bold have changed status since last week):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)

C20 Novel (Jackie Cassada) (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 The Technocracy Reloaded (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Victorian Mage (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

City of the Towered Tombs (Cavaliers of Mars)

Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition core rulebook (Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition)

Scion Ready Made Characters (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion Jumpstart (Scion 2nd Edition)

Geist2e Fiction Anthology (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2nd Edition)

Memento Mori: the GtSE 2e Companion (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2nd Edition)

Pirates of Pugmire (Realms of Pugmire)

Distant Worlds (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Dragon-Blooded Novella #1 (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Across the Eight Directions (Exalted 3rd Edition)

  Redlines

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

Night Horrors: Nameless and Accursed (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

Witch-Queen of the Shadowed Citadel (Cavaliers of Mars)

Heirs to the Shogunate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Scion Companion: Mysteries of the World (Scion 2nd Edition)

  Second Draft

Tales of Good Dogs – Pugmire Fiction Anthology (Pugmire)

  Development

Hunter: the Vigil 2e core (Hunter: the Vigil 2nd Edition)

CofD Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

Night Horrors: Shunned by the Moon (Werewolf: The Forsaken 2nd Edition)

Lunars: Fangs at the Gate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)

Oak, Ash, and Thorn: Changeling: The Lost 2nd Companion (Changeling: The Lost 2nd)

CofD Dark Eras 2 (Chronicles of Darkness)

  Manuscript Approval:

V5 Chicago By Night (Vampire: The Masquerade)

Spilled Blood (Vampire: The Requiem 2nd Edition)

Wr20 Book of Oblivion (Wraith: The Oblivion 20th Anniversary Edition)

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant core (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

  Editing:

Signs of Sorcery (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

Aeon Aexpansion (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

C20 Players’ Guide (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Dystopia Rising: Evolution (Dystopia Rising: Evolution)

M20 Book of the Fallen (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Adventures for Curious Cats (Monarchies of Mau)

In Media Res (Trinity Continuum: Core)

Tales of Excellent Cats (Monarchies of Mau)

  Post-Editing Development:

Ex Novel 2 (Aaron Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

  Indexing:

    ART DIRECTION FROM MIRTHFUL MIKE:

  In Art Direction

Dystopia Rising: Evolution – Sketches coming in, and they look good.

Geist 2e

The Realm – Fulls contracted. Talking to Gong and Gunship about availability during holidays.

Ex3 Monthly Stuff

Chicago By Night – KS moving along.

C20 Player’s Guide – Contracted.

Aeon Aexpansion

They Came From Beneath the Sea! – Getting more KS art since we have a little time, gonna start on KS assets.

Lost 2e Jumpstart – Art contracted – sketches trickling in.

EX3 Lunars – KS art contracted.

Signs of Sorcery – Contracted – sketches trickling in.

  Marketing Stuff

  In Layout

M20: Gods and Monsters – With Josh, progressing.

Pugmire Roll of Good Dogs and Cats

  Proofing

Scion Hero – Pre XX errata fixes.

Scion Origin – Corrections are in.

Ex3 Dragon Blooded

CtL2 Jumpstart – Awaiting more corrections.

Trinity Core

Trinity Aeon

  At Press

Monarchies of Mau and Screen – And dice and buttons, all shipped to backers. Waiting for PoD proofs.

Wraith 20th – Fixing some issues with the front cover emboss. Everything else good to go though.

Wraith 20 Screen – Printing.

Scion Dice – At Studio2.

Lost 2e Screen – Printing.

Scion Screen – Printing.

Changeling: The Lost 2e – Printing.

Fetch Quest – Proof coming this week.

Exalted 3rd Novel – Out to backers, getting errata.

VtR Guide to the Night – Inputting errata and prepping for PoD.

PtC Tormented – I think we hit errata shutdown on Wednesday.

  TODAY’S REASON TO CELEBRATE: 

Thanksgiving! Not necessarily the “school” holiday of pilgrims and first winters and all that, but the holiday of togetherness and actually looking at how things are in your life and being glad (thankful) for the good parts and the parts that you learned from. And MST3K new season dropping on Turkey Day!

#Onyx Path Publishing

[voodoosgirl1]

That Time Sam Confiscated Bucky’s Sleep Pants For the Good of the Team...Or So He Thought.

Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers

Bucky wore his Official Captain America fleece sleep pants every day.  His love for them exceeded all boundaries. Except for Steve. Nothing topped Steve, not sleep pants, not food. Not Bucky, although they were in discussions about that particular point.

Their appearance in the house a low-key affair shrouded in the mists of memory similar to the elusive Origin Stories of fortune cookies, crop circles, and key lime pie. Steve claimed no knowledge of their arrival, Bucky said he found them folded neatly on the kitchen counter one day; an instantaneous invoking of finder’s keepers. Sam waved his hands in the air looking a lot like he was swatting flies. Natasha shrugged, a non-committal gesture not lost on Steve’s keen eye, ignored by Sam and missed by Bucky as he wandered off to permanently attach them to his body.

Dark blue with tiny silver, white and red shields in a random swirling pattern, adorned with bright red Captain America cursively-written across the fabric, the signatures strategically embracing his junk.  Bucky’s bold statement of adoration clear as he sat legs spread wide on the sofa; or sprawled in the middle of the mahogany table in the tactical room --- during team briefings; or grappling with Steve pretty much everywhere. Bucky wanted to wear Steve twenty-four-seven.

The sleep pants soon became the accepted norm. Nat ignored them. Steve’s preference; how slow can fleece be dragged down Bucky’s body, across his groin, catching just right on his cock before he groans in frustration and pins him to the floor. His research a work in progress, ever being refined and edited. 

Steve loved the sleep pants.

Sam grew to despise them. 

It wasn’t jealousy or his claim to a more refined sense of style, or that Barnes’s predilection for going commando beneath them was on full display.  The sleep pants were innocuous enough, even while being worn by Barnes; daily, every minute of every day. Unlike Steve’s pumpkin-colored button down, the color didn’t interfere with the room décor. The comforting softness seemed to soothe Bucky’s more irritable moods. Sam’s loathing of the sleep pants grew exponentially with every moment they spent without ever seeing the inside of the washing machine. With the water running. Soap being involved as well.

Sam did not welcome the Cap sleep pants in the gym. A highly egregious offense since Sam used the mats to do push-ups; up and down, face to the mat, often face flat on the mat when he tried to keep up with that asshole Barnes. Herein lies Sam’s problem; not so much the sleep pants per se but their close association with the low huffed moans and groans of Steve/Bucky grappling on those specific gym mats that got Sam’s eye to twitching. The faux work-out sessions; yes, there would be the damp towel evidence in the corner, the faint sweat swirls on the flooring. The distinct rumbled, “Fuck me, Stevie” that wafted up through the heating grates coupled with Steve’s rhythmic groans, culminating in the loud, eye-popping audible evidence of Steve giving Bucky exactly what he asked for was all too much for Sam. Sex on the gym mats had nothing to do with the Captain America sleep pants, admittedly; they were guilty by association.

  Those sleep pants got right under his skin, collecting dirt, day-in, and day-out; absorbing sweat and other they-shall-remain-nameless Steve and Bucky body fluids that Sam did not want to allow into his imaginings, all deeply embedded in the microfibers of their pathetic existence. The final straw arrived unceremoniously when Sam walked in to see Bucky’s blue with white and red shielded sleep pants-clad butt perched on the kitchen island precariously close to lunch. Right butt cheek flirting with the sliced honey roasted turkey, aged swiss cheese, dill pickle, and arugula plated side dish. Steve tucked between his legs, hands roaming across skin much too exposed for Saturday afternoon brunch in mixed company. Sam's semi-considerable patience evaporated when Bucky's left butt cheek rolled to smoosh the spilled bag of bulkie rolls as Steve practiced his best face-to-face thrusting position, dragging Bucky closer by his knees. Natasha swiped a roll out from under Bucky's ass when he rocked forward chasing after Steve's mouth. Adaptability; a strong-suit of former Widows.

The whole thing merited one of Sam's best eye rolls and the fateful solo plan took form, to be mapped out and executed within hours. 

Sam Wilson for the good of his housemates and the protection of their health, under cover of darkness and the unabashed throes of wall-banging, bed squeaking sex between two well-endowed super soldiers, undertook the ultimate self-sacrificing mission. Obtain the offending garment and autoclave it, or at the very least soak them in bleach for a week. Falcon night-vision goggles strapped to his face, his best sneaking around clothes on his body, he belly crawled into Steve’s bedroom, the silent litany of “Don’t sweat, he’ll smell you,” dancing through his mind. He carefully, sneakily pulled the coveted Captain America sleep pants from the bedpost and stealth-crawled backward out of the room.

Sleep eluded Sam the rest of the night, the electric buzz of one-upping Barnes coursing through his veins. He was pretty damn proud of himself for this mission-accomplished moment. He braced for the aftermath.

A sweat-filled moment before dawn when Bucky confronted him in the living room, a tremor shaking his unbrushed hair, plain black sweats; Steve's sweats, a touch too long hanging low on his hips. Winter lurking in his intense stare, the desperate rasped question spoken an angry inch from Sam’s nose, "Did you steal my Cap pants, Wilson?"

An ignored fleeting second of remorse as Sam lied, "Nope. I did not steal your Cap pants, Barnes." Technically not a lie, the pants were not 'stolen' only confiscated.

Semantics. 

He attributed the queasy feeling in his gut to the bratwurst he had for breakfast, a greasy burp seemed to encourage Barnes to move on, which prompted a mental note to add burping to his anti-Barnes arsenal of tactics.

Sam spent the rest of the week alternately avoiding and observing Barnes literally tear the house apart searching for his beloved Cap sleep pants. A relaxing pensive lounging on the deck sipping his Pina Colada, quiet caution employed with the plastic faux palm tree stirrer after the first sip. He began to develop a whole new respect for Bucky’s throwing ability as pot after pan flew past his head; a self-imposed challenge not to flinch as the projectiles zinged past his ear, stirring the air against his skin. A lasagna pan landing fifty feet out, a moment of remorse that he hadn’t thought to set up a betting pool with Natasha about how far the various sized pots would fly, sort of like Olympic shot put only without the painted lines. A silent marvel at the strength of the metal arm when a frying pan lodged in a tree trunk a mile out.

Sam offered a frowny-face faux sympathy look when Bucky finally collapsed face-down on the kitchen floor three hours later despite Steve’s best efforts at persuasion to visit Amazon, under supervision of course. Natasha stepped over him, Sam tried not to stare. Steve laid head pressed to head with him. Ultimately, he dragged him across the floor by both hands, pulled him up to his feet, threw him over his shoulder and off to bed they went rocking the wall once again. 

Sam kept his regret a close-guarded secret, even from himself. Mostly it was a small tickle in the back of his brain that called him an asshole. Once. When Barnes drowned his sorrow soaking in the cold water tub, and Natasha had to run all the way to the basement bathroom, dancing as she went. The hot pissed I-know-what-you-did glare she threw his way, sent a shiver down his spine for about five minutes. That was the extent of his remorse. Three weeks later said sleep pants were discovered by Steve in a bucket of bleach on the back porch, a faded murk of blue and white, streaked with red threads hanging like the guts of roadkill. Utterly unrecognizable as an homage to the First Avenger. Sam, in a regrettable fit of guilt and remorse, admitted to the terrible deed. Needless to say, the aftermath was painful for all involved except Natasha who has a ton more sense than the boys and decided she’d lay low in Paris for a week and leave them to find their Kumbaya moment on their own. She padlocked her bedroom door, wired it to the electric socket and went on her man-free week unencumbered.

It took Steve thirty-six hours to find Bucky sitting in a tree overlooking the house, his loaded sniper rifle cradled in hand. Black shoe polish smeared across his face, a bag of Doritos tucked in the crook of a branch; he finally climbed down when Steve promised to have sex with him on the bike. The one spot they’d missed during the Great Flavored-Lubricant Sex-All-Over-the-House Experiment. It took a whole lot of scrubbing to get that black stuff off both their faces. 

As fate at times intervenes, Sam had a head cold while Bucky sought his revenge and dodged both figurative and real bullets by staying in the house the whole time. It helped that he restricted all movement to the dead center of the house with the lights off, relying again on his well-honed stealth skills. His mama didn’t raise a fool, he knew that damn sniper rifle had disappeared and wherever that Barrett M82 went --- Barnes would be in close proximity. 

That night, basking in the amber glow of a Himalayan Salt lamp, Sam Wilson laid his head on his pillow resting in the sweet arms of sleep, under the benevolent protection of the former Captain Ameria, now known as Nomad, aka Bucky's boyfriend. Normally the headboard's rhythmic thud against his wall got on his nerves, but not tonight, not this night, it told him he would be safe as long as the sounds of Steve demonstrating proper topping techniques for Bucky kept going all would be well in their little valley. 

#bucky barnes #sam wilson #bucky barnes fanfiction #stucky fanfic rec #fluffy fanficion #implied bottom bucky #steve rogers #stucky #I wrote this instead of updating my WIP #bucky and sam are bros that don't always get along #ao3 feed stucky

[zalrb]

I don't know if you'll recognize all the characters I'll mention, but what I hate the most about evil characters is when the writers try to make us feel sorry for them (Snape, Hook, Regina, Allison from PLL, Damon from TVD, Klaus from TVD/TO). I just hate when that happens, because what's the point in making them dark when there are no consequences and the fandom forgives them or turns a blind eye to every bad thing they do? And what's worse, the writers/directors/producers make things worse...

I think you can make a sympathetic villain I just think the writer has to do a good job in creating one and the actor has to do a good job in portraying a totally horrible person who the audience still sympathizes for. I always go to Batiatus in Spartacus because he’s the perfect example of that. It’s done so well.

Batiatus is a man with ambition

but who is constantly shunted to the side because he does not have the right background for politics and so he is looked down upon, we consistently see him looking at other people advance while he stays in his position

and we consistently see him get maneuvered out of necessary networking situations

and then when he does get the networking situations that he’s worked so hard for, he is humiliated by the people he seeks favour from and underestimated by them and John Hannah embodies that humiliation and that slight so well

and considering everything he does so these people can give him a shot in advancement when you see him get slighted, you feel bad, you want him to succeed and then he does succeed by murdering a whole bunch of people and destroying lives and he uses his gladiators like pawns

and it’s a rude awakening and reawakening that he is not the hero of this story, that he is not a good man but I believe with every episode there’s always a moment or two where you can’t help but like him or feel sorry for him and that’s supposed to happen. Plus he’s funny and he’s charming and his relationship with his wife humanizes him the way his constant humiliation does

This is a cartoon but I always thought Disney’s Hades was a sympathetic villain. Like Zeus is a dick to him

all the other gods are chillin’ up here

and he has to go back down to the underworld and deal with this?

I totally get why he would release the titans to usurp Olympus and Hercules needed to go because he was going to get in the way of that, I get that, I think they do a good job in showing why Hades would do this but he’s still the villain

Even the cannibals in The Walking Dead. The backstory of how they came to be those people puts their current situation into perspective

and I felt sympathetic for Gareth and the rest’s backstory but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re still cannibalistic villains who lure people into a trap to kill and eat them, they’re still evil people but I understand more about them and how they got there.

I think the problem with villains like Klaus and Damon etc. is that firstly, the fandom and the narrative don’t use the things  — no, let me back up, — 1. I don’t think the things that are supposed to make them sympathetic are particularly well-executed things, I don’t even need them to be original but I need them to be well-executed and well-written and they’re not. Klaus, you have a family, you have a sister who has a very weird attachment to you even after you consistently stab her and put her in coffins, Elijah was pretty loyal to you too, you have a family, wanting to create hybrids for a fake family is frankly stupid and unnecessary. Taking away Stefan’s free will because you want a comrade is ridiculous. I don’t feel sorry for you, I want you to get your shit together. Damon, Katherine never lied to you and Stefan didn’t destroy your life, no one made you a murderer or a rapist, your dad made you eat your pet rabbit over a 100 years ago, that’s enough time for you to get over that, Stefan has consistently offered an olive branch to you and you spat in the face of that, I don’t feel sorry for you, these are flimsy, ridiculous “humanizing” storylines so there’s that and 2. back to what I was saying before, the way the fandom and the shows execute these storylines isn’t for nuancing a character or adding layers to a character, it’s to excuse the character for the things that they do and that’s the issue.

*edit by pet rabbit i mean pet turkey*

Spartacus never excuses what Batiatus does to get ahead, what the writers do is make it clear to the viewers why he would go so far, why this means the world to him and doesn’t make him a caricature villain, they wanted him to be complex and for us to have complex feelings about him, that’s writing a good character.

[metalindex-hu]

„Boundaries exist only to be broken”

„Boundaries exist only to be broken” - https://metalindex.hu/2021/07/14/boundaries-exist-only-to-be-broken/ -

The discovering of Greek Rapture was a great surprise for me. These young guys are delivering very intense, fast, but varied Death/Thrash Metal, with hints of Black Metal as well. Their third full length (Malevolent Demise Incarnation) showcases a very talented outfit. The answers have been given from guitarist/vocalist Apostolos Papadimitriou.

So, Apostolos, what are your views on the current Greek underground scene?

First of all, thank you very much for this interview! Regarding the Greek underground scene, I think that during the last 15 years we can safely say that it is at its best. Extreme Metal in particular has a lot to offer, with some of the best underground acts worldwide such as Dead Congregation, Embrace of Thorns, Death Courier and many more. Moving on to the thrashier side of things there are some amazing bands as well such as Violent Definition and Slaughtered Priest. Since we are all fans of Hardcore Punk and Crust, it should be stressed that the Greek scene is thriving on these genres as well. Check bands like Chaotic End, which is one of the oldest bands in this category but released a great album some years back, or Paroxysm and Cursed Blood, which represent a younger breed.

Would you say that Rotting Christ, Varathron, Necromantia, Septic Flesh, Flame put Greece on the map of metal? Do you consider them influential outfits?

Of course, their importance cannot be underestimated, especially for Rotting Christ, Varathron and Necromantia that led the Black Metal movement. But I would go ahead and add Death Courier, Septicemia and Sarcastic Terror, since they were bands that a lot of people used to talk about back then. Also, I have to say I do not know these by first hand, since I was not even born at that time. It’s information I have acquired by reading old fanzines, interviews, etc.

Please, tell us the history of Rapture so far: how did you get together, have you been involved in any other bands prior to Rapture, your materials etc.!

Rapture is a Death/Thrash band from Athens Greece, currently flying under the banner of the label FDA Records. The band was formed in 2012 and has since released 3 full length albums and various other spin-off releases. During these years the band has established a strong fanbase around the globe and has gathered a series of great reviews, especially for its 2nd and 3rd album. Some have even labeled this releases as modern-day classics of the genre. Moreover, these releases gave Rapture the chance to play gigs across Europe in festival slots and self-organized tours, and sharing the stage with some of the best acts of the underground and mainstream metal scene (Sodom, Vektor, Venom Inc, Stalker, Dead Congregation and more).

Apostolos

Since 2014 you have a stabile, steady line up; does it mean that you are on the same wavelength both musically and humanly? Is there a chemistry among you?

Yes, of course, that is exactly what it means. To be honest, I think that a great part of what we have achieved is owed to this fact. It’s amazing to have people that share the same vision for music (and art in general), touring and even for the way of life. We have been together for almost 8 years now and this has granted us an amazing bond both in terms of music and of personal relationship.

Are Nikitas Melios and Giorgos Melios brothers?

Yes, as their surname suggest. And this has contributed in the aforementioned facts of the previous question, as you can imagine.

When did you start working on your new album? How long did it take you to come up with new material?

In general, it’s safe to say that we are a hard working band, and there are always individual ideas of riffs or lyrics here and there. If I remember correctly, the first song was written right after an amazing gig at Izmir Turkey in April of 2018, which was only 3 months after the release of our second album Paroxysm of Hatred. I think that the whole album was complete a couple of months prior to its recording. However, a lot of ideas were born during the recording sessions as well, and they of course consist a part of the final product. We always experiment and let the compositions “speak” to us.

You entered the Eleventh Tower Studios again, like you did with the previous effort Paroxysm of Hatred. What do you recall of the recording sessions? Were you prepared to record the album?

As you can imagine, we were really satisfied with the outcome of the previous album in terms of production, that’s why we chose to work with Harris (the owner of the studio) once again. He completely understands our sound, our vision about music and he is always willing to experiment with different sounds, techniques and tricks. This has to do with the general “no boundaries” approach that we have as a band. It was a really fun process but really exhausting, since we all have other stuff going on such as university studies, jobs etc.

Are these songs full of hooks and satisfying songwriting?

Well, if this is what you think I won’t disagree at all, hahaha. Music is perceived different by each individual. I think that’s highly positive that you find the album full of hooks, because it firstly shows that you have listened to it closely. Moreover, it proves that there is a lot of information if you scratch its surface.

Does the band move between very fast moments in the vein of Solstice, Demolition Hammer, Sadus etc. and mid-tempo sections where creepy melodies and a thicker atmosphere seep in that are much closer to classic American Death Metal like Morbid Angel or Cannibal Corpse?

This is a pretty accurate description to be honest. All the bands you mentioned are hugely influenced us. However I have to stress something that I regularly say. Our music has no boundaries at all. We have a huge variety of influences that are based on what we listen to every day. These range from classical music and jazz to Extreme Metal and Hardcore Punk. But of course, it’s natural for some of these influences to be more apparent (especially bands like Morbid Angel and Demolition Hammer) since we play the genre of deathrash and these are basically some of our favorite bands regardless of what genre they belong to.

In your opinion the high-flying riffs and somber interludes working in tandem to create plenty of memorable moments? Is there a good mixture of paces and moods and the band’s grasp of dynamics and transitions is strong?

Yes, exactly. It’s really nice to have these “mood changes” in the compositions. And of course, the album is best listened as an entire piece of unseparated work. I think this goes for every full length album in recorded history. You have to listen the album in its entirety, the same way you would read a book in its entirety without skipping any chapters.

You flirt a little with Black Metal riffing on After Your Eternity, I Am Become Death or Herald of Defiance, but for the most part you focus on spinning out relentless and well-crafted Death/Thrash, only with tighter performances and more professional songwriting than before. Do you agree with it?

Yes, I agree 100%. And this has to do with the aforementioned facts about our influences. Moreover though, it has to do with how we vision our music. We aim forward all the time and we always want to push everything one or two steps further and higher. We always aim on expanding the variety of the compositions in terms of structure, riffing, and overall experimentations. According to our opinion this is the true spirit of extreme music, and extreme art in general. Boundaries exist only to be broken.

Are the songs built on heavy, meaty riffs and a startling degree of technicality in the musicianship, especially in Giorgos top-notch drum work?

It’s a huge part of our compositions indeed. We want to sound as tight as humanly possible. That’s also a key ingredient of true extreme music. Wanting to always sound better than your yesterday’s self. The highly technical drum parts and riffage are the result of relentless practice sessions. We despise the modern approach of “metal” bands that base their studio outputs on editing. You should always sound as great as you really are. And of course, the live performances MUST be better than the studio outputs.

Like its predecessor Malevolent Demise Incarnation shows no signs of weakness and presented as a direct album without any compromise. Did you develope a lot in terms of skills, songwriting etc.? Where do you find the differences (and/or the similarities) between Paroxysm… and Malevolent…?

To me, and to us it’s a true product of extreme human art, expression and mentality. I think the greatest difference lies in what each of the records wanted to sound like. During the Paroxysm of Hatred sessions, we wanted to sound like an relentless deathrash Armageddon. The difference is that in the latest album, the deathrash element is still apparent and consists the main ingredient, however we expanded our sound creating a more original musical identity.

What kind of feedbacks did you get on the album so far?

Up to now the feedback is great and really heartwarming. It’s really moving to see people from all around the world appreciating something that is basically our artistic offspring.

How about your future plans?

Currently the band’s plans consist of performing live across Europe (and outside of it) as soon as the situation allows it.

Apostolos, thank you for your answers! Any closing words for our readers?

Thank you so much for this interview and for this chance to speak to your readers! We will soon make it to a stage near you to unleash our Deathrash Misanthropy! ONWARDS TO TOTAL DEATH!

#interjú

[greenbagjosh]

Feb 2006 Days 4 and 5 – cruise up the Bosphoros to Anadolu Kavagi and departure to BG and RO

EN Hi everyone, today we will have some sunlight, take a ferry north from Eminönü to Anadolu Kavagi with many stops along the way, enjoy a lahmacun and soup, get money out of an ATM, get to Sirkeci station for the night train and miss out on a whirling dervish performance and end the day by getting out of the train for an exit passport stamp.

 TR

Herkese merhaba, bugün biraz güneş ışığı alacak, Eminönü'nden kuzeye vapurla Anadolu Kavağı'na gidecek, lahmacun ve çorbanın tadını çıkaracak, ATM'den para alacağız, gece treni için Sirkeci istasyonuna gideceğiz ve kaçıracağız semazen gösterisinde ve çıkış pasaportu pulu için trenden inerek günü sonlandırın.

 BG

Здравейте всички, днес ще имаме малко слънчева светлина, ще вземем ферибот на север от Eminönü до Anadolu Kavagi с много спирки по пътя, насладете се на лахмакун и супа, вземете пари от банкомат, стигнете до гара Sirkeci за нощния влак и пропуснете на въртящо се дервишко представяне и завършете деня, като излезете от влака за печат за изходен паспорт.

 RO

Salut tuturor, astăzi vom avea puțină lumină solară, vom lua un feribot spre nord de la Eminönü la Anadolu Kavagi cu multe opriri de-a lungul drumului, savurăm un lahmacun și o supă, scoatem bani dintr-un bancomat, ajungem la stația Sirkeci pentru trenul de noapte și pierdem la un spectacol de derviș rotitor și încheiați ziua ieșind din tren pentru o ștampilă de pașaport de ieșire.

 SR

Поздрав свима, данас ћемо имати мало сунчеве светлости, трајектом северно од Еминону-а до Анадолу Каваги-а са много успутних стајалишта, уживати у лахмацуну и супи, извући новац из банкомата, доћи до станице Сиркеци за ноћни воз и пропустити на вртлог дервишке представе и завршите дан изласком из воза за излазни печат пасоша.

HU

Üdvözlet mindenkinek, ma napsütésünk lesz, komppal indulunk Eminönütől északra Anadolu Kavagi-ba, sok megállóval az út mentén, élvezzünk egy lahmacun-t és levest, szerezzünk pénzt egy ATM-ből, érjünk el az éjszakai vonatra Sirkeci állomásra és hagyjuk ki örvénylő dervis előadáson, és úgy fejezze be a napot, hogy kiszáll a vonatból egy kilépési útlevél bélyegzőért.

CZ

Ahoj všichni, dnes si dáme trochu slunečního světla, pojedeme trajektem na sever z Eminönü do Anadolu Kavagi s mnoha zastávkami, pochutnáváme si na lahmacunu a polévce, vyděláváme peníze z bankomatu, dostáváme se na stanici Sirkeci na noční vlak a zmeškáme na vířícím dervišském představení a den zakončíte vystoupením z vlaku pro razítko výstupního pasu.

 DE

Hallo allerseits, heute haben wir etwas Sonnenlicht, nehmen eine Fähre nördlich von Eminönü nach Anadolu Kavagi mit vielen Haltestellen auf dem Weg, genießen ein Lahmacun und eine Suppe, holen Geld aus einem Geldautomaten, fahren zum Bahnhof Sirkeci für den Nachtzug und verpassen es auf einer wirbelnden Derwischvorstellung und beenden Sie den Tag, indem Sie aus dem Zug aussteigen, um einen Ausreisestempel zu erhalten.

 Today is Sunday the 12th February 2006.  This would be my last day in Turkey.  I thought the previous day, why not to take a cruise up the Bosphoros?  Hopefully the weather will be nice.  Well at least in the morning it was.

 About 7 AM I had breakfast and then went to Eminönü to catch the ferry to Anadolu Kavagi.  It cost about $ 15.00 round trip.  The ride up would take at least an hour and a half, as it would stop at five different places, either on the European side or the Asian side.  I remember doing something similar with my parents in the 1970s, and back then it was easy to tell the European side from the Asian side.

 The ferry was ready to board about 9 AM.  It was better to be inside for most of the time, than to be on the outside except for the more interesting stops.  The weather at Eminönü was nice, the clouds were not particularly thick, but when the ferry passed Rumeli Hisari, coulds thickened up and it started to snow.  The next half hour it snowed but did not ice up the Bosphoros.  We stopped about four more times before ending up at Anadolu Kavagi.  Anadolu Kavagi is a tourist town on the Asian side, and has a military base.  For lunch I went to a small restaurant on Dolay Ck.  I ordered a lentil soup, lahmacun, and an Ayran, which is a yogurt drink.  I watched the snowfall outside the restaurant.  

 I wanted to get a good view of the Bosphoros, so I walked up Cafer Baba.  I saw the nearby hills covered with snow.  I could not stay much longer.  That was the last time I saw snow in Asia.

 I wanted to buy some provisions for the night's train travel, and I was running out of money. I found an ATM but it was inside the military base.  I asked permission to enter just to use the ATM.  The gentleman was very nice to allow me to enter, and once I withdrew my money, I left and went back into town.

 Once I returned to town, I bought some Efes beers and snacks for the night's train ride.  I also bought a copy of the day's edition of the "Hürriyet" newspaper, even if I could not speak Turkish.  To end, I had a couple of glasses of tea until it was time for the return journey.  The journey took an hour and a half to get back to Eminönü.  I took the tram back to Sultanahmet and walked back to the hotel. I asked for a ride to Sirkeci station, and someone volunteered to take me for 10 Lira, not a bad deal.  I packed up my belongings and about 6:30 PM I was at Sirkeci station.

 There was one last thing I wanted to do, but it would possibly make me miss my train from Sirkeci station to Bucharest.  I had supper, a lahmacun with seasoned onions and ayran, then took my luggage to the car where my compartment was located.  I had the compartment all to myself.  The train did not have a restaurant car of its own.  I had a sink and mirror and electric outlet.  The bathrooms were down the hall.  The train left Sirkeci station about 8:30 PM for the border at Kapikule, close to both the Bulgarian and Greek borders.  It seemed a bit slow, despite being an electrified route.  

 I went to sleep for a while until about 2 AM when the conductor knocked on my door to let me know that we were approaching the border and that everyone had to exit the train, in spite of the cold weather.  Everyone had to leave the train, line up at the customs building, get a "Cikis" stamp for exiting, and board the train again.  It was good to get back on the train.  The train passed Kapikule and crossed into Bulgaria.  

At Kapikule the electrification ended (there is a project to extend electrification to Bulgarian national rail standard) and thus the locomotives were switched from there until Dimitrovgrad where the electrification resumed.  When the train approached Kapitan Andreevo, the Bulgarian custom guards boarded, knocked on the compartment doors, saying "Passport control", and reading aloud passport numbers by walkie talkie.  My passport record was clean and I was given an entry stamp into Bulgaria.  It must have been about 4 AM when the train went on to Svilengrad, Dimitrovgrad, Shumen and Ruse.  About 8 AM I bought a cup of coffee for two euro.  I received a cup of coffee and a CFR (Romanian railways) packet of sugar.  That was the only "food and drink" I received that entire ride.  The train ride was very long, with an electric locomotive from Dimitrovgrad to Ruse, where it was swapped out with a diesel train to go to Giurgiu in Romania.  I also received an exit stamp at Ruse.  The train went along and crossed the Danube into Giurgiu, Romania.

 At Giurgiu, the train stopped for about an hour.  The weather looked fine, sunny with few clouds.  But the weather could change at any moment.  The Romanian customs agents took my passport into an office and I was worried for about half an hour.  I eventually received it back, with an entry stamp.  The train left maybe 6 PM and arrived at Bucharest Gara de Nord around 7:30 PM, and it started snowing.  

 If you come to Bucharest, always be careful of scammers.  Particularly luggage handlers and taxi drivers.  If you can use public transportation, know how to get to and from your hotel and do not ever depend on the luggage handlers or taxi drivers, as they can demand outrageous fees.  For example a taxi ride should cost less than $ 10.00.  Sometimes a person can be charged $ 30.00 or $40.00, maybe more.  I did end up at my hotel, although with $ 30.00 less cash than I expected.

 It was cold and I did not really want to go out that night.  The hotel had a restaurant and I ordered some soup and an Ursus beer.  Ursus is one of the major beer brands in Romania.  Then I went to sleep.

 EN

Next adventure – the Bucharest metrou, Piata Unirii and the Ceausescu presidential building, the infamous O-Zone song on CD, supplement for the sleeper for Sofia BG

 TR

Sıradaki macera - Bükreş metrosu, Piata Unirii ve Ceausescu başkanlık binası, CD'deki rezil O-Zone şarkısı, Sofia BG için uyuyan için ek

 BG

Следващо приключение - метрото в Букурещ, Piata Unirii и президентската сграда на Чаушеску, скандалната песен O-Zone на CD, добавка за спалния за София BG

 RO

Următoarea aventură - metrou bucureștean, Piața Unirii și clădirea prezidențială Ceaușescu, cântecul celebru O-Zone pe CD, supliment pentru dormitor pentru Sofia BG

 SR

Следећа авантура - метро у Букурешту, Пиата Унирии и председничка зграда Чаушескуа, злогласна песма О-Зоне на ЦД-у, додатак за спавање за Софију БГ

 HU

Következő kaland - a bukaresti metrou, a Piata Unirii és a Ceausescu elnöki épülete, a hírhedt O-Zone dal CD-n, kiegészítés Szófia BG alvójához

 CZ

Další dobrodružství - metra v Bukurešti, Piata Unirii a prezidentská budova Ceausescu, nechvalně známá píseň O-Zone na CD, doplněk pro pražce pro Sofii BG

 DE

Nächstes Abenteuer - die U-Bahn von Bukarest, Piata Unirii und das Präsidentengebäude von Ceausescu, das berüchtigte O-Zone-Lied auf CD, Zuschlag für den Schlafwagen von Sofia BG

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WHY I'M SMARTER THAN INVESTMENT

This is too big a problem to solve here, but I'd say the test is whether you're good at making things. So what if they fail? Though they're less well known, the angel investors are probably the more critical ingredient in creating a silicon valley in another country, it's clear the US is disorganized about routing people into careers. Easy, compared to college, but boring. 99%.1 The groups then proceeded to give fabulously slick presentations. What made him seem older? If I were a better speaker. More like the first step into a swamp. This form of lie is not without its uses. You know how you can design programs to be debuggable? But when they looked for startup ideas they didn't see this one, because unconsciously they shrank from having to deal with you later.

Foreseeing disaster, my friend and his wife rapidly improvised: yes, the turkey had wanted to die, and in particular, Internet startups are still only a fraction of the world's economy, this component will set the tone for the rest.2 They're started by the poor and the timid; they begin in marginal space and spare time; they're started by people who dropped out of school to do it yourself.3 Rejection is a question of seeing the obvious. Just a teacher? There have always been occasional cases, particularly in the US, and good high schools and good universities, like most other industrialized countries, I'd take the US system. 9782 free! But by the time we funded their second startup, a year later, they had become extremely formidable. And you know what you're talking about, you can do whatever you want and don't cite any previous work, and indignant readers will send you references to all the papers you should have been making.

But I can imagine a future in which the default choice of ambitious young people is to start a company at first. There's no evidence that famously successful organizations like the Roman army or the British East India Company were any less afflicted by protocol and politics than organizations of the same size today. But I don't wish I were a farmer and suddenly heard a lot of propaganda gets slipped into the curriculum in the name of simplification.4 What weaknesses could you exploit?5 Sometimes they're more candid and say explicitly that they need to see some traction.6 Because I wanted to keep the pressure on an investor or acquirer all the way to the close. They wouldn't well, seven of the eight startups we funded will make it. That's what makes sex and drugs so dangerous.7 With speaking it's the opposite: the two dovetailed beautifully. Works to your advantage.

Finally, what should one do about html? Hacking is something you learn best by doing it. So if you make it clear you're going to have to do to get the attention of an audience is to give people everything you've got, right away. I think, 24 hours to say yes or no answer to that question.8 My vote is they're a bad idea, for example, are working on an Ajax calendar. This pattern suggests that attitudes at Stanford and Berkeley are not an anomaly. Most were emerging from twenty or so years of being told what to do. He had all of us roaring with laughter. Imagine picking out apples at a grocery store.9 I must have been to till the same fields your whole life with the aim of being their Thanksgiving dinner. But it worked so well that we plan to do all our investing this way, or the large sums of money involved, but investment negotiations can easily turn personal.10 The most important quality is in a startup depends mainly on how smart and energetic you are, and much less on how old you are or how much business experience you have.

Not all ideas of that type.11 But that wears off after a few months I realized that what I'd been unconsciously hoping to find there was back in the place I'd just left. Instead of just tweaking a spam till it gets through a copy of something they made, but they also laugh at someone who tells them a certain problem can't be solved. To start with, investors are letting founders cash out partially. But of course there were the usual nightmares associated with servers. Increasingly it will mean the people who think they don't need investors to start most companies; they can do a deal in 24 hours if they need it a lot. For example, most painters in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries used brownish colors. Prefix Syntax? The idea is basically that you sort search results not in order of bids, you can envision companies as holes. If I encourage too many people to apply to Y Combinator, which is low to them. I don't think any would have traded it for a job in a cubicle. There isn't so much a phone as a replacement for x.

If this succeeds you get a silicon valley in Germany, because you tend to be calmer and more upstanding; they don't need to do iffy things to get an edge, and don't want to because they have no redundancy.12 You just know someone knows something, and see if there's a limit on the number of people want a large amount.13 Arguably they've done a bad job of hiring otherwise. In the meantime I tried my best to imitate them. Could a trend based on them be that powerful? I've said before, is a way for writers to make money.14 But if you parse it all, your filter might degenerate into a mere html recognizer.15 They try to hide even the existence of these words for as long as a startup founder about whether it might be good to solve? In a language with prefix syntax, any function you define is effectively an operator. And why is it hard to get emails out of your inbox? If the iPad had come first, we wouldn't think of the iPhone as a phone; we'd think of it as a tablet small enough to hold up to your ear.

If you want to understand startups is to look at what you enjoy as guilty pleasures. But there are limits to how well this can be done, no matter how obscure you are now. Just as happens in college, you may also be ready to. Now most VCs know they should be funding grad students or even undergrads. That will tend to get fixed. Or could have been implemented as a couple hundred lines of Perl; in fact they do all look the same. But we should be able to clear our heads of lies we were told. So now I'd advise people to go ahead and start startups right out of college. The disadvantage of having a larger universe of tokens is that there are going to be fairly laborious no matter what, and the reason why, unlike other languages, Lisp has dialects. Well, if you're starting a company that will do something cool, the aim had better be to make money and maybe be cool, not to be cut out of the way as soon as you can, so you start learning from users what you should do is to sacrifice unpromising startups. The result is bronze, which is predicated on the idea.16 Don't realize what you're avoiding One reason people who've been out in the world won't save you.

After all, the companies selling smells on the moon base could continue to sell them on the Earth, if they lobbied successfully for laws requiring us all to continue to breathe through tubes if they could avoid it. Most investors, especially VCs, are not like founders. But that's something you can do, but assume the worst about machines and other people. But those aren't the only reasons parents don't want their teenage kids having sex are complex.17 Some we helped with technical advice—for example, finding the recipient's email address base-64 encoded anywhere in a message is a very good spam indicator.18 We'll start with the one everyone's born with. Not just founders, but investors too.

Notes

Because we want to avoid this problem and yet managed to find users to recruit manually—is probably part of grasping evolution was to backtrack and try another approach.

You end up.

You won't hire all those 20 people at once, or want tenure, avoid casual conversations with VCs suggest it's roughly correct to say exactly what constitutes research in the sense that if you were going to need to be the only one founder take fundraising meetings is that as you get nothing. Come to think of the money.

Ed. Good news: users don't care about may not understand you at a Demo Day. What happens in practice is that the big winners aren't all that value, don't worry about the paperwork there, and don't want to sell earlier than you otherwise would have met 30 people he meets at parties he's a real idea that evolves into Facebook is a trailing indicator in any case, because you have for one user. These anti-immigration people to claim that companies will one day be able to fool investors with such tricks, you'd get ten times as much effort it costs.

It might also be argued that we wrote in order to win. But one of these people.

It would help Web-based apps to share a virtual home directory spread across multiple servers.

I used a technicality to get into a big chunk of stock options than any other company has to be most attractive when it's their own itinerary through no-land, while simultaneously implying that lies believed for a certain threshold. And while this sort of things you sell.

Heirs will be. For founders who had to push founders to have kids soon. These false positive rate is 10%, moving to Monaco would only give you money for. The point where things start with consumer electronics.

Could you endure studying literary theory, or to be doctors?

We're sometimes disappointed when a wolf appears, is not writing the agreement, but I'm not against editing. It will require more than that total abstinence is the odds are slightly worse. Some VCs will try to start some vaguely benevolent business. I was surprised to find it hard to do would be very hard and doesn't get paid to work for us now to appreciate how important a duty it must have seemed to someone still implicitly operating on the order of 10,000 sestertii apiece for slaves learned in the evolution of the word programmers care about, just try to accept a particular valuation, or editions with the high-fiber diet is to discount knowledge that at some of these titles vary too much to hope for, but when that happens, it tends to be staying at a pre-money valuation of zero.

There is no different from technology companies between them so founders can get very emotional. Something similar happens with suburbs. I remember the eyes of phone companies are up-front capital intensive to founders.

The person who would have for a smooth one. But that solution has broader consequences than just salary.

There are circumstances where this is not merely blurry versions of great things were created mainly to make more money was the fall of 2008 the terms they were, they'd have taken one of the main effect of this essay I'm talking here about academic talks, which is to the year x in a time, because the danger of chasing large investments is not one of those you should. How much more attractive to investors. When governments decide how to achieve wisdom is that there could be done at a friend's house for the board to give him 95% of spam, for example, MySpace is basically a replacement mall for mallrats.

In-Q-Tel that is actually a great reputation and they're clearly working fast to get into a pattern, as Prohibition and the Imagination by Hilbert and Cohn-Vossen.

A company will either be a trivial enhancement of HTTP, to a degree in design is any better than his peers will get funding, pretty much regardless of how to value potential dividends. So in effect what the rule of thumb, the increasing complacency of managements. Since capital is no longer play that role, it increases your confidence in a rice cooker, if the current options suck enough. Yes, actually: dealing with the bad idea, at least for those founders.

College English Departments Come From?

Microsoft must know in the country it's in. I used a TV as a source of food. Or rather indignant; that's the main emotion I've observed; but it is not just something the automobile, the second type to go to a college that limits their options?

Now many tech companies don't advertise this. I think the main effect of this model was that they aren't. This wipes out the existing shareholders, including the numbers we have to go out running or sit home and watch TV, go ahead. Jessica Livingston's Founders at Work.

Thanks to Richard Jowsey, Bob Frankston, Geoff Ralston, James Bracy, rew Mason, Abby Kirigin, Chip Coldwell, Sam Altman, and Marc Andreessen for the lulz.

#automatically generated text #Markov chains #Paul Graham #Python #Patrick Mooney #rice #Syntax #Bracy #editions #users #Company #ideas #replacement #curriculum #calendar #idea #home #apps #groups #James #Thanksgiving #spread #TV #mall #chunk #College

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #233 - National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: No.

Format: Blu-ray

1) There are five theatrical films in the Vacation franchise, this is the only one I’ve seen. I’ve never seen the need to see the other ones, honestly. This one’s already good enough.

2) The opening animation over which the credits is a strong start to the film. It establishes a classic Christmas vibe and silly/slapstick humor. There’s nothing particularly PG-13 about the animation, just PG. It’s not raunchy or rude, just funny. I think that’s an important thing because it’s what makes Christmas Vacation as good as it is. Not the occasional raunch (which is very limited, I think) but instead the silly family elements. Not to mention it sets up a great original song.

3) The opening carols scene in the car with the Griswold clan does well to establish that dynamic. Clark is a little TOO enthusiastic but it’s sincere, Ellen is supportive, and the kids are kind of over it all.

4) This first encounter with the truckers is very strong. It shows two of the films best comedic elements: Clark’s ability to take things too far and then the build of it. Each choice makes the situation worse and worse leading to an inevitable, unexpected, hysterical climax to the scene.

5) I love Ellen.

Ellen: “Clark, stop it! I don’t wanna spend the holidays DEAD!”

6) Honestly, there are a lot of great little dialogue exchanges in the movie. I dig it.

Ellen: “Clark.”

Clark: “Yes honey?”

Ellen: “Audrey’s frozen from the waist down.”

Clark: “That’s all part of the experience, honey.”

7) When you make a comedy, you HAVE to have a good sense of humor. That’s the entire point! This film succeeds there. It’s odd, ridiculous, slapstick, and silly. Born from escalating problems and crazy “solutions” as well as a nice element of absurdity humor. Clark’s sticky fingers, everything on Christmas Eve, the sled, it all lends itself to this idea.

8) Julia Louise Dreyfus is in this movie. That is all.

9) Of course Chevy Chase is great in this movie, he’s freaking Chevy Chase! But Beverly D’Angelo is equally as good.

While the straighter of the two actors, the one who sees more clearly, D’Angelo gets a number of clever and hysterical moments in the film. She has a great chemistry with Chevy Chase but helps to make her Ellen MORE than Mrs. Griswold. She’s her own character, full of life and personality, patience and flaws, just truly wonderful.

10) I always like that Clark has a Tasmanian Devil coffee mug. It speaks to his fun energy as a character.

11) I never really got why Clark lies to Mary about not being married. It gives Chase a funny outlet to play flustered, but there’s nothing in this film which suggests to me he’d cheat on Ellen.

12) The arrival of the extended Griswold clan is perfectly done. A clear sense of family conflict and insanity is conveyed not only by the performances but the quick editing and off kilter camera angles. It’s very well done.

13)

Clark: “Russ, when was the last time I overdid anything?”

14) Remember how I said Beverly D’Angelo is crazy funny?

Audrey: “Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?”

Ellen: “Well I’m sleeping with your father.”

15) Much of this film benefits from a pacing that allows us to check in with the whole family here and there, supporting its heart and characters.

16) I actually analyzed the scene where Chevy Chase falls off the roof for a Physics for Filmmakers class. The class was horrible but I had fun with the project. I’d share some of what I wrote but it’s long and boring. Basically the gist of it is the ice can’t travel to the gutter like that but also the velocity of the gutter changes between shots.

17) I don’t know why, but my family always quotes this line like crazy.

Margot: “And why is the carpet wet, TOD?”

Tod: “I don’t KNOW Margot!”

18) Clark’s failed lights attempt.

There are two things which stand out in this scene: Clark’s in-laws are freaking awful and his immediate family are great. The in laws just relentlessly mock Clark leading Audrey to stand up for her dad.

Audrey: “He worked really hard, Grandma.”

I love that. I love seeing Audrey getting to show some real love and support for her dad instead of being sidelined as a stereotypical teenage girl. It’s freaking great.

19) Clark in the attic.

Firstly, Clark’s mother in law is an idiot. “Oh, the ladder to the attic is open. It must’ve just fallen or something, there can’t be ANY way a person is up there. I shouldn’t check or anything.” Jerk.

But most importantly, the attic scene is the best representation of the film’s heart. Holiday movies need a good heart to it, good emotion, otherwise they’re just a lazy cash grab. This film’s heart, its focus on family and familial love, are one of the reasons it has held up as well as it has 28 years later. Clark’s sentiment over watching old home movies, supported by a great Ray Charles song, is one of the best parts of the film.

20)

Clark: “Honey, you honestly think I’d check thousands of tiny little lights if I wasn’t sure it was plugged in?”

21) The fact that the solution to the problem with the lights is so abundantly simple is great. Also relatable. How many of us have plugged something into the wrong plug and obsessed over what was wrong?

22) Cousin Eddie just showing up when he does helps give the film an extra bit of energy to propel it in its last hour. Honestly if we had stuck with what was going on with no change or development it might’ve gotten a little dull, but Eddie is just a perfect source of fun family conflict.

23) Some of Clark’s asides when Eddie shows up are just freaking hysterical.

Clark: “If I woke up tomorrow with my head seen to the carpet I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.”

24) Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie.

Eddie is this film’s ultimate scene stealer. Quaid, reprising his role from the first Vacation film, plays Eddie as totally sincere and honest. Yes he’s a dumbass, yes he causes problems, but there is not a hint of malice in his performance and that’s important. You need to like Eddie, despite his idiocy, you need to root for him along with the other characters. He’s a sweet guy, he just causes a lot of problems, and he fits perfectly with the rest of the cast.

25) Brian Doyle Murray as Mr. Shirley is a great Scrooge-like character in this film. You understand he’s pretty much a pill before you even learn what he did about Christmas bonuses.

26) The saucer sledding scene is crazy fun, but I never got how Cousin Eddie and the kids were able to see Clark go as far as he did. Like, we see him go through woods where no one else is, across a highway, and into a WalMart. And they’re just up on the hill reacting?

27) Clark’s pool fantasy.

The key part to this fantasy is not the presence of a pool, but how happy it makes his family. Clark doesn’t want to let anyone down. He wants to be a traditional patriarch and provide for his family. To not succeed 100% feels like a failing to him, that’s why the pool is so important to him.

28) The conversation Clark and Ruby Sue have together about Santa Claus continues to show off the film’s heart but mores how it balances heart and humor. There’s some crass language mixed in but it doesn’t undermine the emotion of the scene.

29) And now it’s Christmas Eve, and EVERYTHING on Christmas Eve is just one big problem after another. The night descends further and further into chaos before the movie is over which is truly freaking great!

30) Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis are a great late addition to the film. For animation fans, the actress who plays Aunt Bethany is also Betty Boop and Uncle Lewis is Dr. Finklestein from The Nightmare Before Christmas. They’re totally nuts, nonsensical, and just fun to watch.

31) All the cat-in-the-box movement is done by Chevy Chase.

32) That Turkey is SO dry!

All the crunching is so uncomfortably funny, leading into a hysterical extended dinner table scene which is a lot of fun.

33) Honestly these next batch of notes are going to be commenting on how each gag works so well. For example: the dad cat gag, for some reason, is extremely funny!

34) Ah, the Christmas bonus.

This scene is so freaking great. The entire film set it up, we’ve been waiting for this bonus. Meaning the surprise of it is as great for the audience as it is for Clark. The big setup, how much is riding on the bonus, means the fall is even greater. And Chevy Chase’s rant is one of the greatest movie rants EVER! I love it.

35) Clark’s following mania is great to watch, specifically the hilarity and insanity of the squirrel chase.

36) I’m just gonna leave this here.

Clark: “This is a full blown four alarm Holiday emergency here! We’re going to press on and we’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny FUCKING Kaye!”

37) The heart to heart between Clark and his dad is a nice reclaiming of the heart that Clark almost lost with his rant. And just when everything seems okay…

38) Eddie happens.

39) I love Ellen.

Ellen: “I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.”

40) The police response seems a little excessive, but I guess when a wealthy white guy is kidnapped they bring out the freaking marines.

41) Where Ellen’s hand is in this scene (and where it returns to) was improvised by Beverly D’Angelo.

42) And despite the movie ending on a joke, the ending does have a nice sweetness to it. A sincerity about the madness of the holiday spirit and its equal success.

Christmas Vacation is a holiday treat that grows better with time. The humor is supported by a strong cast and equally strong heart. Chevy Chase is obviously great, but other cast members such as Beverly D’Angelo and Randy Quaid get their time to steal the show. Filled with endlessly iconic holiday movie moments, it’s a great treat for the holiday season.

#Christmas Vacation #National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation #Chevy Chase #Beverly D'Angelo #Randy Quaid #Epic Movie (Re)Watch #Jimming the Camera #Brian Doyle Murray #Movie #Film #GIF

[movietvtechgeeks]

Latest story from https://movietvtechgeeks.com/supernatural-fandom-cyberbullying-microcosm-aka-donald-trump-effect/

'Supernatural' fandom cyberbullying microcosm aka Donald Trump effect

Since Donald Trump walked through the White House door to become America's 'bully in chief,' we've noticed that there seems to be a seething anger and frustration among people who have begun to follow his lead online. Presidents set the tone of the country, and we all know that the tones he is setting off are very unsettling, and in the past year cyberbullying has stepped up. It's always been there, but when our leader is using Twitter as a weapon against voices he doesn't like (or who disagree with him), it gives permission for others to follow suit. To me, using the "Supernatural" fandom was shining a light on a microcosm which reflects how Trump is infecting our country with his hatred, racism, and bullying. While we were considering how to tackle this subject objectively, one of our writers mentioned a piece on Tumblr which really stood out to me for just saying it like it was. Rather than tiptoe around and try to appeal to everyone, this writer put it out there and held the mirror up for everyone to look at themselves. I personally liked the idea of having a real diehard "Supernatural" fan be the voice of the piece. It came as no surprise that while many felt a sense of relief that 'someone had finally said it,' a small minority tried spreading their vitriol to disavow it. Even going so far as slandering us, and I would like to personally thank Entertainment Weekly for being so supportive with one person's false claims. The wonderful thing about holding a mirror up is that the real bullies wound up showing everyone exactly who they were on social media. They are using the exact same tactics that Donald Trump uses on Twitter by attacking, and when hit with a rational answer, they throw out a shiny object to distract from the fact that logic and rational thought is something they don't deal with very well. This was exactly why this piece was so important to me as we are allowing Trump to infect aspects of our lives that should be reserved in the form of entertainment. A show like "Supernatural" is a great way of escaping the fact that 26 people were shot to death in church this past Sunday, 30 people die every day in this country from guns but the Republicans and NRA tell us that by talking about it we're politicizing a tragedy, the people in Washington that should be working for us are screwing over the middle class and lower income people by trying to take away their health care while raising their taxes. With the way things are in America right now, we need a form of escapism so when this small minority needing attention tried to spoil a show like "Supernatural" for everyone; the time seemed right to discuss this. It wasn't to dredge up old news as this group never seems to stop and every day they choose a new person or actor to go after. Can you imagine: if the person on Twitter who literally spent over nine hours yesterday trying to round up people to force us to take the cyberbullying article down from our site used that time to call their local elected officials or volunteered for a cause they believe in, they could bring so much positive change into the world. That was another big reason for covering this topic. When Trump was elected one year ago, I went through the same anger, frustration, and depression, but rather than lash out wildly; I realized that by showing our readers what Trump and the government were doing it would be more proactive and way more fulfilling. We can all make a positive change and realize that all the pent-up anger can be released this way rather than clubbing each other over the heads continuously. Having lost a close friend of MTTG to suicide after being cyberbullied, here is a link to help that from happening to others. So in response to questions asked about the previous article, we felt it only right to allow Surflove808 to answer the critics. We know that you can never satisfy everyone, this fills in those gaps that this small minority has tried to fill with hatred, lies, and innuendo. So again, we thank Surflove808 for allowing us to reprint her piece of mind. This is the author's opinion, and we respect it as we do all opinions. (this has not been edited and is in its original form) [caption id="attachment_50856" align="aligncenter" width="696"] Source: YouTube[/caption] Regarding my blog post re:  The Joke Debacle, most everyone has been so thoughtful, mature, kind and open-minded about the discussion matter, even if they didn’t necessarily agree with me.  So that right there, shows me that it’s possible for all of us to be more understanding with each other regardless of our ships or faves or whatever.  And I’m an open-minded, open book, so even if you don’t agree with me, this is a safe place to vent concerns or frustrations with what I say.  We can all respectfully disagree, meet in the middle or go just back to our own corners.  Whatever. I’d like to encourage those of you who are taking your frustrations out on anyone who agrees with points made in my article (on Twitter or wherever) to come speak directly to me if you have an issue. I wrote it, after all.  My blog is helpfully linked right there in the article.  I don’t bite. And for those of you who aren’t overly familiar with what’s going on, please check out the many, many comments attached to my actual blog post, and you will be able to see that there are far more people that are fed up with these bad apples, than there are bad apples.  I hope.  And if there are apples that don’t feel like they’re being given a fair shake, I’d like to hear from those apples too. When I posted my angry rant last week, I didn’t expect it to gain so much traction.  But it did…and it showed me I wasn’t alone, and that there are a lot of fed up fans out there, and justifiably so, who are looking for an end to this ridiculous inner-fandom civil war.  I’m relatively new to Tumblr. I wasn’t expecting to become the unofficial mouthpiece for this issue. I was approached by movietvtechgeeks.com asking if they could use my blog post in an article about the cyberbullying that’s happening in this fandom, so I said “Sure!”  I’m honored that someone would want to print my rambling.  But of course, it’s also opened up the floor on Twitter, yet again, for certain people to deliberately misconstrue the content and twist it to suit their own agenda in the comment sections.  What they fail to realize is…they’re only proving why we needed this article in the first place.  So, joke’s on them!!  However…. now I feel obligated to come on here and clarify my intent and that’s friggin irritating. Here is the article if you want to take a look see: https://twitter.com/movietvtechgeek/status/927578926397952000 I NEED TO MAKE A FEW THINGS CRYSTAL CLEAR (apparently):

 I don’t have a ship.  I don’t dislike shippers.  (Ship away!  I just dislike pushy people with no sense of boundaries)  So please do not misconstrue anything I say as promoting or denigrating *a* ship. You do you.  Let me do me.  Well, that sounded vaguely dirty… you know what I mean.  I’m just gonna ship me with myself now.  Nobody can love me quite like me.

 I don’t stanan actor, and I don’t think that because someone likes “another” actor (whomever that might be) more, that it’s a direct affront to me or them.  I tag all these “relevant to the post” actors because I think they’re all relevant to the success of this show, and sadly….also to this juvenile ridiculousness that seems to be brewing between fan factions.

But, if I’m being honest?  Full disclosure:  I do have a favorite!  Jensen. Heyyyoooo!  I think he’s an incredibly talented actor IN MY OPINION, and I like his extraordinarily expressive face. See?  Simple as that.  Is that a problem?  And do you feel better now that it’s out in the open? We can all have opinions, and favorites without “throwing feces like howler monkeys” to quote a certain dickhead angel.  And as far as personalities and talent go?  They’re all amazing, and they all belong, IN MY OPINION.  The main cast, the supporting cast, new castmates, former castmates…. they all just…gel.  You know?  It’s some kind of voodoo magic.  And they’re by all accounts, really decent people doing good things out there in the world.  Without any one of them, it wouldn’t be the show we all know and love.  And if you don’t love the SHOW, well….I guess fucking go watch something else?  Right?? Listen….Unless you’re tied to a chair Clockwork Orange-style, and being force fed this show by some evil, covert government agency… you DO have other choices.

I sucked it up and joined Twitter because there seems to be an attack dog, hive-mind situation happening that seems hell bent on cowing people into submission.  That shit doesn’t fly with me.  And if I’m on there and see bullying, damaging misinformation or harassment… I’m going to get in the fray.  But I’m going to TRY to do it with honesty, integrity and a sense of humor.  I want to sit at the adults table on Turkey Day.  Not at the kids table with Weird Uncle Augustus.  Know what I mean?  Don’t be that guy.

AND ONCE MORE FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK:   To be clear - I’m not speaking to ONE specific group of people.  However, if you look into the mirror I’m holding up and see your own reflection?  I’m probably talking to you.

I’m not going to choose a “side.”  I choose the show, it’s actors, crew, writers, etc, collectively.  Because they all work their asses off, both on and off the set to give us fans so much more than just entertainment.

 If someone wanted to hold a mirror up to this fandom right now, via a juicy documentary on the ship wars, fighting factions, undermining, conspiracy theories, revenge tactics, harassment campaigns, etc…. I think its safe to say, we’re all gonna be pretty fucking embarrassed.  Let’s hope that never happens.  I’m cringing just thinking about it.  But we deserve it, if we keep on with this petty bullshit, ya know? 6.  My blog post was not about for J2 "stans” or aboutMisha “stans,”for gods sake people. This post was about how splinter groups (for lack of a better term) were being damaging and disruptive (As they do.) and how it’s bad for EVERYONE when we let warring factions steamroll over everyone else, AND each other. This post was a direct response to the organized and brutally efficient Twitter campaign that somehow found its way into the laps of a handful of online news sites in an effort to publicize an off-color joke in order to take advantage of the current climate in the entertainment industry and start a viral witch hunt.  *I just ran out of breath.  Time for a James Brown pause*

 My post was also aimed at the Twitter spamming campaigns that Shatner and Pellegrino, as well as J2 had to put up with in the past few weeks.  And don’t feed us that horsehit about them bullying the poor fans that spoke their minds. NO.Youcollectively went on, and started shit, kept coming at them, and they defended themselves.  And rather maturely, considering.  It’s about groups of people that have gotten so wrapped up and out of control, that they’re poisoning this fan family.  I genuinely feel concerned that some folks are confusing reality with fiction, here.

 If you look back farther on my Tumblr page (?) to the good ol days of last Thursday (?) - particularly the Silent Majoritypost - that post is not in reference to anyfan or any actor, specifically.  It’s in reference to the majority of fans who want to do the right thing, WANT to help out, WANT to just enjoy the damn show without all this drama and hate.  But because they’re quiet, and they’re not able to speak their minds without fear of retribution…. they’re vastly under-represented.  And so, the assholes of the fandom run amok unchallenged. THAT’S the majority I’m speaking of. 9.  I abhor anyone that lurks around on social media looking for people to mess with. So, imagine my surprise and disappointment that now I’M that person, because of this fucking shit!!  I’m only getting after people who are picking on others, but still… lurking, arguing.  Utter waste of valuable time.  Yours and mine.

Saturday night I apparently pissed off the leader of one of the SPN gangs (what do you call them??)  when I called her out on her behavior and was ominously told:  “Wanna see what happens when I tell my followers what to think and do.”  To which I responded “I already have.  And it’s deplorable”  And then offered to provide her with my name, # and home address.  She didn’t want it.  I don’t know why.  I thought it was funny!  I NEVER get hate mail… and I was looking forward to some postcards.  I’m old school that way.  Don’t hate tweet me.  Send me a hate postcard featuring something cool from your state. Jokes aside….that’s the kind of crap that mobilized me in the first place.  I tried to have a reasonable conversation with this individual and even asked if she wanted to take it offline and talk.  I followed her lead, conversationally, did snark back when required…but just when I thought we were going to have a reasonable discussion, she pulled the rug out.  I tried.  If you’re reading this and you feel misrepresented, or misunderstood, or you’re trying to misrepresent our conversation - the door is still open if you want to talk.  But I’m not going to tolerate your bullshit, and neither should anyone else. Who ARE these people?  And why is this happening?  That’s my question.

I’m not here to listen to arguments that a 6-year old might find compelling in a court of law, such as:  Well, Jensen told that joke a year ago, or Misha said thisthatandtheotherthing back in the day…so why are you only talking about Jared's joke?

Well…because this is not a tit-for-tat thing.  I’m talking about the issue that is relevant RIGHT NOW.  And this is far from a "blame it on Jared” thing.  I feel awful for the guy.  For both of them for even being looped into this insanity.  The intent of my blog post was to address very current events that have been demonstrative of the current, toxic climate brewing in the SPN fandom.  I’m NOT here to write the Unabridged History of SPN Actors and Their Fondness for Off-Color Jokes.  

 If you’re all wound up and offended by what I wrote?  It’s probably because I wrote this blog post not foryou, but aboutyou.  OR, you’ve not been provided with context, content or clarity, and you got swept up in this manufactured hysteria and reacted.  OR, you think I’m a total asshole, and that’s ok.  I get it!  And I understand how my post could make some of you defensive and prickly.  But hey, as the saying goes… don’t start none, won’t BE none.  On the flip side, as someone eloquently stated (ahem, Carol Hansson) “It’s ok to be offended….it’s also ok to not be offended.”

 I am not a rape apologist.  And neither are the actors. And to even insinuate that any of us, by extension of supporting Jared or Jensen in this situation, are pro “rape culture,” is appropriating a term and using it so irresponsibly that you’re negating the real suffering of sexual abuse survivors.  The more you trivialize it, the more you take away its power. Stop using manufactured concern for survivors as your jumping-off point for harassment, and START asking yourself what’s really motivating you to use that argument as an excuse for your behavior. BTW,  #Metoo, and you sure as hell don’t represent ME.

If you want to see a record of this casts achievements for mental health awareness, LGBTQ rights, anti-bullying and women's issues, to name a few - it’s a simple Google search away.  That’s on your time.  Not mine.  Again….not here to write their autobiography.  This piece is an opinion piece.  I try to be balanced, but that’s as far as it goes.  I’m not CNN.

 MISHA:  Misha was not mentioned in my post because Misha was not under fire last week or the week before over this stupid bullshit.  If I SEE that happening, I’ll write about THAT.  But HE was not the focus of this mess.  So I left HIM out of it.  Does that make sense?  And also?  I’m not here to equally represent all actors at all times.  That’s not how this works in the context of the subject matter at hand.  If you want to see more adequate representation for your favorite actor  - write your own op-ed. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

And Misha as well as J2, are probably more than a little appalled that some of their biggest fans (?) are committing to some shady behavior in their honor and in their names.  Just a guess.  They’re good guys, and this is probably not sanctioned behavior.  If you think it is?  Show me the receipts.  Let’s do this honestly, using facts.  Not conjecture.

 No, I do not excuse anyone’s behavior because of their physical attractiveness.  Neither do most people.  I am not a child (Thank you, Uma Thurman), and I don’t rationalize like a child.

No, I am not doing this to seek approval from the actors, and neither is anyone else with the #istandwithJ2 hashtag.  As previously stated, this is an equal and opposite reaction to the bullshit that brought us all here today.  You’re grasping at straws at this point, if that’s the argument you’re going with.  Speaking on my own behalf, I have nothing to gain here, except some new Tumblr friends with a side of troll.

To reiterate on previous posts - I’m hoping that all of us will collectively start sticking up for each other when we see someone harassing a fellow fan online. Even if you don’t want to comment….maybe give the person being flamed those little heart thingys (likes?). Direct message them if liking their post doesn’t feel safe.  Show them your support in some way, so that they don’t feel alone and so that they don’t feel quite so vulnerable to attacks from online bullies.   We Have Got To Start Backing Up People who are just trying to express their opinions respectfully and are being slammed with responses that are belligerent, demeaning, threatening, obnoxious, etc.  Otherwise - these jerks will just keep steamrolling right over the more gentle viewers out there.  And a lot of them, are just kids.  And this goes both ways.  It has to, in order to be effective.

If you see something - say something.  That’s my 2 cents anyway. The world’s going to Hell in a handbasket, 26 innocent people were gunned down yesterday in a place they held sacred and felt safe in, and it just keeps happening. Mother Nature has decided she’s sick of our shit and has been upending thousands of lives.  There are actual sexual predators in some of our pasts and sadly, in some of our futures.  And this “joke” has no relevancy or bearing on that sad fact. Women, people of color, LGBTQ people, economically fragile people, physically fragile people, etc…are seeing their protections, rights and livelihoods eroded away in an alarmingly short period of time, and the list goes on and on… and THIS is what we’re dedicating our mental and emotional resources to? This show is supposed to be an escape from reality, guys.  Not actual reality. Why are we harassing the actors and fellow fans of a television show that brought us all together in the first place?  This is entertainment, people.  I know how important this show is to all of us.  And I know how impactful the message of this show has been.  And I know that without this show, some of us might not be here today.  We are some passionate sumbitches.  I GET THAT. The question still remains…. what in the actual fuck are we really fighting for and about, here?  If someone can quantify and explain that to me in a way that makes sense, I’m all ears. Has it really come to:  “Maybe we need to devise a more sophisticated tagging situation so that people don’t keep dipping their chocolate in other peoples peanut butter.”  I don’t know.  But this is Nth level ridiculousness, and we need to figure it out before it gets even worse. For now, I’m going to get back to enjoying this show for what it is, and putting my beautiful brain back to work on more important matters.  I’ve spent a week in this muck, and it’s been… enlightening.  I’ll say that. And even though I don’t agree with some of you - I can see by the CSI-level attention to detail that a lot of us have applied to all things SPN… that we could actually be mobilized into an almost unstoppable force for real good and real change.  If we wanted that.   We could probably figure out who ordered JFK’s assassination.  Figure out where Jimmy Hoffa’s buried.  Solve the mysteries of the pyramids…. help reunite missing kids with their families…Get Trump impeached… ahem.  You get it. Or we could just keep wasting our pent-up aggression on other fans, and the actors of our favorite show.  Because that’s easy.  Choices.   There, now I can drop the mic.

Movie TV Tech Geeks News

#cyberbulling #Featured #Jared Padalecki #Jensen Ackles #Misha Collins #Supernatural

[aquarianlights]

OKAY FINALLY....HERE IS WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON. I’M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG AND SO LATE. FUCK.

((C/Ped this from a FB post, so there may be a few...not understandable things here, but for the most part, you'll get what I'm saying. Tried to edit it to fit a generalized linguistic standard, so to speak. Idk. I tried. Here you go.))

OKAY Now that I'm finally not entirely exhausted and am not ready to jump off a bridge (yet), I am gonna fucking type this up coz everyone is asking me what's going on and I can't keep up with y'all. Damn. Okay, so. . .

The past two weeks have been fucking...awful. Literally the worst two weeks of my life I had ever had. It began with me doing something VERY illegal and my mom figuring it out when I didn't think it would happen the way it did. In fact, for someone who has a catastrophic thinking problem, I'm surprised this scenario did not enter my mind at any moment.

It was the moment I said "Wow. I really am a drug addict." I mean, I've known I was an addict for literally years but after what I did, I just couldn't even...I mean, this is something I could have gone to prison for life or double life for. So it kinda just...woke me up and I was like "fuck" but I kept going anyways and then I ran out of pills and everything else and didn't know what to do. . . which is precisely the moment my mom had found out what I had done.

Bad timing.

So she blocks me in the basement with her car so that I can't use my car. And it's been YEARS of me saying to my father "Can I PLEASE buy my car from you so I have legal ownership?" Every day. . .same response. . . "Yeah, of course! Just let me get around to it." Like...this goes on for like...since maybe 2013? 4ish years later...my mom starts holding it over my head. "The car isn't even legally yours so if you take it anywhere, I will just call the police and tell them you stole it." Well I couldn't anyways because she blocked me in with her car. The only way I could have driven it was directly off the mountain cliff and over the edge, which I was considering, but felt too scared that I might hurt an animal in the process since it's all forest and trees and such where I am and our neighbours down the road have free-roam dogs. So despite the fact I would have LOVED to have just gunned the accelerator off the edge of that cliff, I didn't.

Then they barricade me in my room and won't let me out. This isn't unusual. Normally they turn off the power to the basement and leave me down there. But this time they actually barricaded me in the ROOM and not just the basement. I had no water and no access to water. Or anything else. And then my mom would come pounding on my door and screaming and at one point she had my dad hold me down while she took every single one of my medications, including the most important one, my mood stabilizer, and ripped them out of my hands. So after that, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs and pulling my hair out and banging my head against the wall remembering "Only the head has pain receptors. The brain doesn't." Thinking maybe if I could just bash my skull in to the point of brains, then I wouldn't feel anything and could physically rip my brain out by pieces since I wouldn't be able to feel anything. But then my parents came downstairs obviously coz of the noise of me banging my head against the wall as hard as I could and I ran and pushed the couch in my room against the door and pushed the table against that and pushed the bed against that. Which ...minus a small triangular bureau thing by my bed, that's all the furniture in my room.

So...I couldn't get out or in for days. This was during a period of which my dad had just gotten out of the geriatric ward and my mom was dealing with his new weird habits and medication reactions. So obvs, I mean, I'M the one who barricaded myself in. Why should they deal with me? I get that.

I just...pulled the barricade out from my side and pushed on the other side for what felt like hours until it gave out. I grabbed my bag, put my laptop and notepad for school in it, chargers, phone, and left.

Now. . .if you've ever been up my mountain, you'll know it's a 10 minute DRIVE up there. Nah, fam, I walked all that. And then walked more...and more...and more...and there was no signal...anywhere...Idk how long I walked. But I was wearing odd clothing because nothing was clean obviously. I was wearing a sweater with nothing underneath and shorts and plaid shoes and I had lost my glasses so I didn't even have those. And I ended up somewhere on this road...Idk how far I went but I kept checking for service to text any friend to see if they would let me couch hop for one or two nights. But no. No signal. So I started walking back.

It was too hot. I laid down on the very edge of the pavement of this tiny, windy, backroad and I remember looking up at the trees and seeing the sun shine through the leaves and just...being in awe of the beauty. I went to take a picture of it with my phone but then I blacked out.

Somewhere during this time, a car almost hit me and left skid marks on the road which the police pointed out later. Idk if I was awake for that or not. But then I woke up to this really sweet mom and she had her van stopped beside me and she was holding me and shaking me and her little ...gradeschooler(??) age kid was like screaming at her like "IS HE ALIVE!?" or something. I'm not entirely sure what. Somewhere during that time, local 911 dispatch was called from my phone. Maybe I did it. Maybe she did. Idk. But local 911 dispatch works even when you don't have service, so. . .thank god for that? I guess. Maybe not. It probably would have been better if I had just been hit by a car and died, honestly.

Legit 3 ambulances and 1 cop car showed up. I was withdrawing really, really badly and I hadn't had any water in literal days and I obviously hadn't eaten in even longer than that. I was super dehydrated and malnourished and overexhausted, yet my stats were okay. Like, everything like my BP and temp and pulse checked out. My BP is chronically low and lowered even more by the BP med I take for migraines so it's obvious that it was a "little high, but normal". And my temp was not too high. And my pulse wasn't thready, which I had already checked myself to make sure I could just go to sleep on the road and wake up later after resting. The EMT's said I could go with them or not. And the cop said "You're 25. If you wanna walk away from me right now and keep walking down that road and go to sleep on the side of the road, I can't stop you. But by the skid marks on the road here (like I mentioned), I'm pretty sure you're going to get hit by a car. So..." I mean, well, if that's not my damn white privilege at its finest... But, anyways, I said "Yeah, y'know what, I'm just gonna keep walking." Then the cop pulls me aside and is like "No. I really don't think you should." And one of the EMTs knew my mom from when she worked at the same hospital he worked at and had been up to our house plenty of times. So he drove up to her house and brought her back because, yknow...no service. And I told the police and EMTs to just...lemme go from there. I didn't want police involved. Coz, as the officer said, "You're 25. You make your own decisions at this point in life." So I did.

I adamantly told my mother I wasn't going back with her and she was about to scream at me but then I threw up blood. Just...pure blood. And idk how I got to Asheville Memorial Trauma Center, but I did. They had a helipad. It was like being in a Grey's Anatomy episode coz they're a level 1 trauma center. Omg. So cool. They had all this fancy equipment like that green vein scan thingy where you run it over the AC or the hand and it just shows you where the veins are so you don't have to feel for them. It was fascinating.

I got stuck maybe 8 times, though. For blood draws and such. Coz my veins are small and they roll and I'm a very hard stick.

I don't remember much from the time I was there but we didn't leave until like...idk, idr, maybe 4am? We got home around 6am. Dad had locked us out of the house. The key was in view on the inside from the window and I was delirious and laughing while my mom was fuming angry and screaming for my dad to wake up and pounding on the door.

Something happened between this that I don't remember. Lots of black-out periods, obvs.

I slept. I withdrew. Hard. Lots of pain. This is day 5 of totally nothing and there's STILL lots of pain. Then the same thing happened. My mom barricaded my car in and took my meds from me and locked me in the basement. So I said...fuck it....and lied and said I had friends to stay with, even though I hadn't even contacted anyone at this point yet. Coz I figured that would make her let me leave if she knew a friend was involved. And she still wouldn't let me out unless I gave a full name, address, and telephone number. She kept saying this was all for "my safety". I couldn't handle it. I can't handle being in that house anyways. Anyone with depression will know that environment affects your moods VERY highly. So I was not only withdrawing from opiates, benzos, ambien, a BP med for migraines, but also cold turkey from my mood stabilizer. Like, I'm surprised I didn't die. I wish I would have. I have never been in so much pure physical and mental agony in my life.

I don't remember much of the next few days. And I don't remember how we came to an agreement, but my mom gave me my meds back and let me out and let me take my car. I was crying and screaming so hard because she told me if I didn't come home and stay home, she was going to take my dog to a kill shelter. And there was nothing I could do.

I went down somewhere in town on a backroad where no one would find me in the pure dark and called my old therapist. He recommended several good 7-day detox programs for me that also handle psych issues. Because rehabs won't take me due to my psych issues because they don't have the capability to handle psych medications.

I had somehow convinced my mom to let me sleep in my car that night. She had been screaming about how "Human beings DO NOT live in cars, Killian!" And such nonsense that typical cis white baby boomers babble about. I don't remember much of that night. But I ended up in a hotel somehow. Where I have been for the past few days. I went to volunteer, got that job, was about to go scrub shopping with my mom when the withdrawals just got too intense and I thought "My doctor is a former addict. Like. Everyone knows this. He SHOULD help me. Right?" Wrong.

We went to my doctor and he was literally screaming at me and pointing his pen in my face saying he wasn't going to be manipulated by a bipolar drug addict anymore. And I have NEVER been diagnosed bipolar. Ever. That has never come up even once except with him. I am most definitely NOT bipolar. And when I said that, he's like screaming at me that I'm definitely bipolar and that he's cutting me off of everything except my mood stabilizer and that I need to get in with a psychiatrist if I want my benzos back, which are what I need, and a neurologist if I want my BP meds back, and where the hell I'm going to find Ambien to sleep? Fuck.

AND THEN He starts yelling about how he's never had a case of costochondritis in his 30-something years of being a doctor and that I am lying about it. But my mom was in the room and she's like quietly shaking her head. Because I have been diagnosed three times now with costo. It's supposed to be short term. But mine is long term and that's where it gets confusing because costo has never really lasted this long in many people in the entire world so far. And he just screams at me that it's all psychological and that I have too many problems and that I'm never going to make it through school, so why am I even trying, and then says that I am probably going to be living in a state mental institution by the age of 30 or less.

I just walked out at this point. Thank god I had my car. I drove off. Drove. For a while. Got lost. Stopped at a rest stop and texted my platonic soul mate. I was ready to drive to New Orleans right then without anything at all. But I calmed down a bit after popping one of the few ativan or valium (Idr) I have left and came up with a better plan because even my therapist said "You're being dismissive of my help. I don't think you want my help. This is not going to end well." But no. I don't even care anymore. I'm going to get through this.

Got set up in a very cheap hotel near my volunteer shelter for 3 days to sort things out and come up with a plan. So I have been wracking my brain and doing SO much research and talking to so many friends about potential living arrangements. But nothing came up. I need to be in a city or heavily populated suburb because I cannot HANDLE being isolated and I cannot handle living by myself either.

So best friend and I eventually came up with a plan. Thank god her roommates are such wonderful people. I love them both so much.

The Tech school I can AFFORD to get into is in Asheville. And I want more hands on experience than the online world is giving me. I want to be able to dissect things and do actual venipuncture restraint positions on dogs bigger than me and I want to do all these things PHYSICALLY. I want HANDS-ON experience and I just...can't get a shadowing position in such a small town.

Problem being, if I leave NC for over a month, I lose my disability, SSI, EBT, and Medicaid. I could do without disability, SSI, and EBT...but I cannot afford my medications without Medicaid. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do while going to school because I only get about 650ish a month from my disability and about 50 from my SSI and 74 on my EBT which my parents use because I really don't eat coz of my anorexia and depression and anxiety combo. But my Medicaid pushes meds that are normally around 200-300 dollars out of pocket, even with discounts like GoodRx, pushes them all the way down to 3 dollars a piece. And my mood stabilizer is especially pricey. So Idk what I'm gonna do when I move in with someone in Asheville coz I will want to be focusing on school and shadowing/interning and volunteering and not have to worry about working, but then. . .I want to work, too. But only at a vet's office or somewhere that deals with medical things. I'm literally 1 class away from getting my vet transfer degree. But do you know why I started over from scratch? Because I can't handle the speech class which is the last and only class I need AND because this degree, albeit a fully accredited AA, is nothing more than a "Here. You have taken all the gen ed classes and a million extracurriculars and now you can use this degree to get into a vet tech school!" Which, I mean, is great, because I REALLY want to get into North Carolina Univeristy in Raleigh. . .that would be my ideal school for vet tech training in this state (not my ideal state, obvs...I hate the south and I want to live in Massachusetts, but it's too expensive). But. . .the in-state tuition is above 10k. I highly doubt any sort of financial aid would cover all of that, even with Pell Grants.

Yes, I realize that becoming a tech and then going for the full vet surgeon licensing is gonna put me in debt until long after I die and that I'm going to be paying back literal millions of dollars worth of loans for the rest of my life and beyond. But why go to a school like that for 10k when they have the same hands-on program at a fully accredited community college? I never even realized how much of a difference the community college price versus university price was. . .because I've had Florida Pre-Paid this whole time and haven't had to pay anything big yet and right now my loan paybacks are at about 1k-2k at the most. I just...would uh...to add a 10k on top of that... (for one semester)...and then another 10k (for one more semester)...then two more 10k's for the last two semesters....I don't know if I could do all that. And then I have to PAY to take three different tests and if I fail even one, all that training was for nothing. And of course, applications and records and SAT score retrieval all cost money, too. AND THIS IS JUST FOR TECH SCHOOL. NOT EVEN FULL VET LICENSING AND SURGICAL LICENSING. So despite NC State and Raleigh being my dream in this state. . .it's just not. . .I don't think it's a wise decision. So I'm aiming for Asheville.

Now. . .all my disability money and SSI will be going to rent and utilities and I'm totally willing to share my EBT with whatever roommate I end up with, but I will lose ALL of that if I start any kind of job. Even a min wage retail job. And I'm fine with that. I will work till it kills me to make rent and utilities and such. But it's the FUCKING MEDICAID. If I start working, I lose my Medicaid, too. ...and I can't afford my meds without it. So...I'm not sure what to do here. I don't have credit yet but if I were to GET a credit card and gain credit, it would immediately be awful because of all my medical debt and there's no coming back from that coz I just can't do it in this economy. Which is exactly why I have put off getting any sort of credit. For...my entire adult life.

But right now...my plan is...go to New Orleans with my three good friends. Stay there for 2 weeks-month tops, which they said is totally fine and I'm completely welcome. Not like we haven't done this before in opposite situations anyways. Lmao. We help each other as much as we can. Next step? Gain roommate in Asheville through several roommate matching sites I found. Move there. THEN work on getting into the college I want and transferring my online credits and all the credits from the two other colleges I'm in and transferring my SAT scores whilst attempting to find an internship or shadowing position. And after that? I'm really not sure. I don't have a plan from there. But my mom agreed to keep my double coat dog brushed, cleaned, updated on his shots, fed properly like I feed him (NO HUMAN FOOD DAMNIT), bathed, nails clipped, butt shaved, and get the anesthesia dentistry done he needs for the next 2 years while I get my life in order. It's going to literally kill me to be away from him like that. But she said if I am not "stable to her liking" in 2 years, she will put him in a kill shelter. So not only do I WANT to do this, I HAVE to do this. Because if that happened. . .that would be the absolute last straw at any chance I would have of recovery. That dog is my life. Hell, I have his name tattooed on my wrist. I spend every waking second with him and even these couple weeks of in and out of consciousness was hell without him. I was worried about him every goddamn second and I could hear him borking and howling upstairs while I was barricaded downstairs and it would just kill me. It was like I could physically feel my heart being stabbed.

Annnd....Idk how I'm going to find a roommate that will take in an asexual, polyamorous, panromantic, nerdy recluse like me with questionable future financial stability and no credit. But even if I have to live in my car to get through school, find a place, and get my dog with me, I'll do it. I'm HOPING I will find a roommate that likes me AND a vicious little (read: very large) neurotic pomeranian in tech school. Someone who ALSO has a dog or AT LEAST a cat so that my dog will not be lonely while I am gone all day. I don't want to have to take him in with me alone and then be gone literally all day and only see him for 2 seconds before falling asleep and getting the only interaction with him possible at feeding time and to briefly take him out to go potty. I don't want that for him. He needs more. He deserves more. At least, leaving him with my mom and dad, he will be safe and taken care of and will have his "sister" and the cats to play with and he can bork to his hearts content. And my dad is retired and my mom only works 4 days a week, so he will be walked every day and taken out appropriately and I made them sign a document stating they would do this for 2 years.

So...tomorrow...I am scouring Asheville, every surrounding town within a 15 mile radius, and one within a 20 mile radius, to see what everything looks like in person and make sure the areas are diversified and active and are NOT a small town or even close to a regular sized town, but much bigger and much more diversified than a goddamn southern town with a bunch of white deer hunting orange overlord voters and then I'm gonna make it back in time for the Discovery premiere (Trekkie thing) coz it will be legendary. Like...Kirk's premiere, kinda legendary. And then I'm gonna pack after that, cuddle with my dog all night, and...leave for New Orleans whenever I wake up if I manage to sleep. Or leave when I finally decide "Fuck it, I can't stay in bed any longer." And I'll say goodbye to my dog.....and...cry..a lot...and hug him and kiss him and take tons of pictures and oh god now I'm crying.

That's all just the basics, though. There has been a lot of other less major stuff going on that's getting to me but. . .I will be so goddamn happy to see my three friends that are taking me in that I think I'm gonna cry good tears when I get there.

It’s really hard to think straight when you’re withdrawing AND the most impulsive person in the world.

Just gotta say...I thought dealing with generalized anxiety without meds was hard. Nah...dealing with panic disorder without meds is impossible. I can't fucking do anything without having a mostly physical style panic attack every 2 goddamn seconds. Feels worse than withdrawals, honestly. I have a couple benzos left...but literally only like 2 ativan and maybe 5 valium? So...trying to save those for like...really hard moments like the first day of an internship or something. So I have a plan about that, too, and Idk if it’s going to work, but I am DONE writing right now.

THANK YOU GOODNIGHT.

#if you have questions just message me #i'm sorry this is so long and so late #ugh it took me like an hour to type up finally #and if i wasn't clear on something just ask #or if i made a discrepancy then please just message me and tell me coz i am half asleep rn #and also none of my memories are ever in chronological order soooo..... #sorry not sorry lol #anyways #i'm okay for now #i mean #technically #i'm NOT okay #but i WILL BE okay #i also have a handful of messages to still get to #i'm so sorry you guys #got my queue up to almost 100 again #but i'mma be awol for a while now #love you all #personal