#I am over an hour an a half late

[shouldprobablybereading]

Happy new year!!!

#I am over an hour an a half late #but I have spent the entirety of this year Waitibg in line drenched in rein and champange #not in me but on me #it sucks #so I have an excuse #we are in 2023!!!! #edit: that was incoherent #home eating ramen now #in dry clothing #finally

[flufflecat]

Got to stolen century in my relisten and started tearing up at work because of magnus carving the duck. Just me in the back room, crying over the dish sink for normal reasons.

#the adventure zone #taz balance #taz #it gets me every time #I was anticipating that scene all shift #and wanted to leave before I got to it bc I knew I would start crying and didn't want to cry at work ahfkahfkka #unfortunately I had to stay an hour and a half late bc yayyy labor day #I also started tearing up at merle with the church of fungston. for some reason. #merle has never really made me that emotional before but I guess now in my old age I'm more struck by his love of life #i understand you better now merle. as a twenty-something I really see the appeal in being able to love life despite the hardships #(this is a joke. I am almost 24 and do not think I'm old) #(I do find merles brand of optimism very good nowadays though. I also have a zest for life and a need to complain about things) #I managed to not cry at the lup and Barry duet though which I am quite proud of #probably bc I spent like half an hour watching lup animatics last night and got my tears out then #I'm having a normal time #normal as hell #most people probably cry over podcasts at their grocery store job #I think that's a standard experience #especially when those podcasts are from 7 years ago and you're still not over them #standard #fluffle talks

[hellafluff]

Currently obsessively thinking about a silent hill from Mary's perspective. Starting in the hospital, the nurses replaced with doctors, faces blacked out except for white shiny gnashing teeth. She only has in her pockets a note written on hotel stationary that says I'm Sorry.

Escaping and meeting a young man, cute and a lil awkward, who says you look a lot like his girlfriend Maria, and shes missing too? Can we look for her together?

Hes... sweet, a bit quiet. He gets very close to Mary often, pushes her boundaries, but this is all weird and strange and maybe hes just scared. When she mentions it, however, he makes a rude remark abt Just Wanting To Help Her but backs off.

They get seperated when the Red Pyramid Thing, unchanged in this version, comes and attacks them both, but chooses to persue him.

Laura is still there, and when Mary and her meet they cling together. She talks about an awful, ugly man she met earlier, and to watch out for him. She helps guide Mary through a maze like area before the Other World sets in and separates them.

The monsters in Mary's Silent Hill are almost all larger then her, and many masculine in appearance. They attack her head, try and choke her. Certain ones cough and gasp, arms thrashing wildly and thrashing on the floor when knocked down. Some seems to have exposed, black lungs that stutter to breathe. If Angela and Eddie are the same in this version, then their boss fights remain the same. The Abstract Daddy just as horrifying to Mary as it is to Angela.

Every reunion with the man, hes different. Less nice, more haunted looking. He starts to call her Maria, and barely acknowledges her if she corrects him. Following his advice leads to darker and more dangerous areas. The Red Pyramid keeps coming and chasing him away, but shes always collateral damage when that happens.

Eventually, she makes it to the hotel. Hes waiting for her in the hotel room, haggard, almost unrecognizable from the man he was when they first met. He has a monologue about how she's been sick, and hes been trying his best to be there for her. She doesnt understand, she doesnt know him, shes NOT Maria! She never will be. She starts coughing.

He makes to leave but at the last second turns, and hes a monster now. Large, fleshy, imposing, always trying to suffocate her under thick hands. Upon his defeat, two Red Pyramids arrive and stab at the dying thing over and over until finally impaling themselves.

There are different endings still. She remembers her disease, and her murder, in most of them. In the best ending she leaves the town with Laura, likely still ill, but alive again. In one of the worst, she wakes up in the trunk of a car, as water begins seeping in.

#silent hill #silent hill 2 #i have a few other ideas for this but wasnt sure how to work them into the prosey wording this took #i think Angela's story goes the same way but instead of James being flustered and kinda unsympathetic #Mary has kind words but no way to help #and their final meeting isnt as hostile as her and james but its still bitter #gameplay wise i also am imagining James Constantly being up on Mary and like pushing her into monsters while trying to atk them himself #instead of always trailing behind #Mary doesnt get her own PH bc hes a punisher and she doesnt need punishing (its why Angela doesnt have one but Eddie does yknow) #but im tempted to say she gets a prefinal boss that is Maria in some way #not like how we know maria but im thinking a mix of the Mannequins and the Flesh Lips enemies #its got the moth/butterfly motif still too #i do have a kinda clear scene in my head #of late in the game leading to this fight Mary has just shaken off James again and hes fully in the Youre Maria :) mental state #and she passes a mirror in a hall and sees herself as Maria. she turns back to look again and Maria smiles before reaching through and #grabs Mary by the throat as she transforms into the boss #crazee talk #i wrote this over the course of an hour and a half directly after waking up today #what was going on my sleep brain #took all day to post it bc i wanted to edit the tags on desktop and i had stuff to do

[fearandhatred]

He can’t use ANY of the ideas we send him?? Or just the ones he posts? I would think between all the asks he gets surely there’s some stuff he was already planning on doing

hi anon! you can read more on neil's post here, but as far as i know, yeah he can't. it's also very hard to disprove any accusation of him using a fan's theory/idea, even if he hasn't actually seen it -- worse still if he has acknowledged it previously.

the article linked to that post about an actual case also says:

...since if they ended up using an idea randomly pitched to him on social media, even by accident, there could be grounds for a legal claim.

and a tweet from the writer in question involved:

...please do not provide story ideas; they can't exist where I post for legal reasons, so tweeting story ideas 100% guarantees that I won't use them.

anything sent in or even anything neil happens to see can be considered "pitches". i'm really not fully sure on the exact extent of this, but it would make sense for him to take every precaution to not get into legal trouble, so it wouldn't surprise me if he just decides not to use any ideas that have been sent to him at all.

(honestly, no idea how he manages to avoid all of them, it's a question i've had for a while too. i don't think blocking the good omens meta tag is sufficient for that. maybe none of us have even come close to what the plot of s3 will be lol)

but yeah, it's a miracle he's still on tumblr interacting with us considering the risks tbh.

tldr; shut up <3 don't send him ANY theories, and also don't ask him for spoilers please, do y'all really think he'll reveal anything. be serious

#fearandhatred #fearandasks #thanks for asking! hope i answered this accurately lol #also sorry for the kinda late reply i am toiling my ass off over 4 one and a half hour math lectures #and had to make sure i got my sources #good omens #good omens season 2 #neil gaiman

[binders-and-beanies]

.

#cops tw #bro I cannot handle one more thing happening istg #got pulled over on my way home after a 13 hour day #was already scared to drive at night and that just confirmed that I’m right to be scared #it was for running a red light n it was one of those situations of just not having time to stop on yellow #I was fully aware as it was happening that I was either going to slam on my brakes in the intersection or run a red and I could see the cop #so I knew I was getting pulled over either way I just hoped the yellow would be longer than .5 seconds. not so lucky #except I also Am so lucky bc he let me off with a warning #ig bc I don’t have any sort of serious history + with it being 420 once he saw I was sober he prob went easier #it’s the second time I’ve been pulled over in my life tho and it’s scary bc this is the first time since the accident #which maybe that was also ok bc it wasn’t my fault #I just know every warning or unlucky moment costs u more in the future if u happen to get unlucky again #like I know I got out of that bc I’m white. it was still a scary moment bc there were multiple cop cars #so it’s like is this guy abt to ruin my life am I gonna lose my license for being at the wrong place wrong time #when I’m already salty to be driving this late involuntarily #so it’s like I got unlucky And very very lucky #I just hate the confirmation that u can get pulled over at any given moment #I constantly rehearse every possible convo w cops in my head bc if u come off disabled u can die #or get arrested or whatever #and then they like don’t follow the script and u didn’t expect this to happen to u today anyway and I get flustered #anyway my point is. I’m fucking exhausted and too many things keep happening #it’s long day after long day w no end in sight rn and I’m like half asleep every day #I just want to sleep. without feeling like I’m already tired tomorrow #it’s too much. just all of it #and on top of it all. it’s 420 so the whole dorm building is basically a cloud of weed #happy u guys are having fun but u are physically harming me in my home #mine #txt #vent post #personal

[lucalicatteart]

Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 10: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression

(✦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ✦)

Yesterday's poll decided that The Adventurer should join the travelers on the larger river boat for a short lunch ...

~

"Before he even fully musters the courage to shout a 'hello', the large group on the boat initiates contact first, gleefully waving at him, whooping and shouting as they near his tiny raft in the water. Apparently, some of them were betting over whether they'd actually find any other travelers out on the river today.. He fumbles over his words a bit, as always, but somehow manages to successfully get himself invited onto their boat for a quick lunch..

After safely securing his raft to the side of the boat with some spare rope, he climbs aboard, stumbling into the excitement of some sort of celebration. A few of them explain that they're traveling for 'kahesallei', an old elven holiday recently re-popularized in some of the larger cities nearby. Whatever it's true meaning and origins used to be, the current significance (at least to those within the city walls) seems to just be mindless feasting, drinking, and gaudy decor. Most of the traveling group are strangers to each other, only brought together by catching a ride on the same tour/party boat, but the mood is light, quite friendly between them, and perhaps a bit drunk.

While the boat itself is relatively plain wood, it's been strewn with gold and orange banners, flags, shimmery tassels, beads, and bushels of dark green ivy braided with fresh herbs and wildflowers. There are flat round tables of food and drink, plenty of cushions to lounge on, and one random guy perched precariously on the edge railing of the boat, gently strumming a lute for background music..

The elderly ship captain hobbles over to The Adventurer, sternly explaining that, no matter what the 'silly' passengers say, he's only allowed to stay for an hour because he didn't pay for a boat ride ticket, and thus really shouldn't even be allowed on board. By the time The Adventurer has mentally processed this information, the captain has already returned to his little steering room, slamming the door shut with a displeased grunt.. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to confront him or question the rules...... But! Hey, at least he has one hour at the party.. How should he spend his time? "

~

Additional Information

the adventurer's current main goal: follow his map to reach the abandoned castle ruins and see the rare animal specialist about the mysterious egg he has

#paventure posting #polls #poll #choose your own adventure #LATE AGAIn I know.. I'm still in my weird unproductive spell. literally I've had the same 5 to do list items on my list #for 2 weeks now. I can't even do five simple things in 2 weeks lol. I did start some new supplements and change my diet since #my doctors are still trying to sort out what health issues are going on or etc. so maybe it's something with that #like accidentally on the new diet I'm not getting enough calories or not getting enough of some vitamin or something so it's made me oddly #brain foggy and just really tired and unable to focus well for the past few weeks or something..? ANYWYA. not really sure what #it is specifically but my functioning in terms of actually focusing on and completing tasks has been a lot worse . thus #chronically behind on things. which I am always chronically behind on things in some sense since I always have like 7000 projects #I'm working on at the same exact time and etc. lol. but like.. even more chronically behind than usual .. ToT #ANYWAY.. I'm suprised that the 'try to get a ride on the boat' option didn't get that many votes actually lol #Like.. treveling down a river in a tiny handmade raft is probably.. not extremely safe or efficient lol #But at least he gets to have lunch there. Just the hour that he's on the boat doing whatever will get him a lot further because the boat #is moving faster than his raft would be. It should still get him out of the river and back on track sooner. Because he still has a long way #to go to get to the abandoned castle. I know it's been a lot of days since I'm not keeping up well with actually doing these #daily or every other day - but technically in the story it's only been a little over a day since he left the Inn #The first day he just walked. the second day he saw there was a barrier in his path. then spent half the day building a boat. and now he'e #*he's where he is now. The trip is roughly 4 days and he's like.. a little over halfway through his second. Not counting any detours or #distractions he might run into. But at least at this pace he should be off the river before it starts to get dark #Thate the main thing. you want to get a good rest on solid ground. ideally. So long as nothing strange happens on the boat #but yeah! day 10.. of little elf man adventure... ALSO he is like early 20s I imagine. so he can drink hbhjbjh #I know the 'very quick simple ms paint style' is kind of chibi-ish so it makes people look young but he's not a boy #don't worry. I didnt want it to seem weird like some 10 year old kid walking into a party of drunk 30 year olds #like a toddler hanging out in a night club or whatever. It's safe and okay for him to be there. just for the record. lol #I mean maybe not SAFE safe. it's still a boat of like.. rowdy party goers who could easily fall over the edge into the water or whatever bu #but like.. safe in the sense that he's not a 6 year old being offered vodka by strangers at a party. etc. #despite his goofy nervous demeanor and chronic baby face syndrome he is indeed an actual adult somehow ghbj

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[lewishamil10n]

ok. making a resolution and making a post about it so i don't forget.

if these assholes don't give me the promotion they've been dangling in front of me for A YEAR AND A HALF by next semester, i'm quitting my job.

#there. i said it. #no way in fuck am i going to stick around and deal with all this discrimination and racism from patients and colleagues #and now from my boss as well?? #asshole got the HoD involved over me being late for half n hour ..... fucking hell #and here's the thing. not to brag but i KNOW they'll be fucked if i leave. #there's no one else who knows how to use their systems. and training anyone else is not possible bc they themselves don't know how #and i absolutely will not train anyone lmao #fuck them ALL #remy.txt

[stormikins]

practice does make perfect unfortunately

#writing #ive been beating myself over the fact that i am practically incapable of writing one shots #so lately ive been trying to write them with varied results #but hey i just banged out a fully completed one in three and a half hours #its just under 4k #so uh yeah keep working at it!!!!

[buckleydiazmp4]

it's tag venting time

#i've had this friendship. of like. 5 years #and well #we used to be really really close #and in hindsight i guees it was because we literally saw each other for 8 hours straight every day of the week #and then that stopped happening #i literally haven't seen this person in about a year and a half i think? maybe more? #despite the fact that we basically live walking distance from each other. which. already says a lot #but then there's also a bigger issue. because hey i get it we're both busy ppl it's okay if qe haven't seen each other in a while #(despite the fact that in this case it is because of a lack of trying -i like to believe not on my part- but ignoring that) #we text sporadically when we have something to let off our chest so it's like this back and forth of voice notes every week or so #but lately its has turned into them sending me groups of 5-minute voice notes at a time because their life is so. so dramatic #and like. hey if this were still like a mutual communication i would enjoy it because i am indeed a good listener #and i like to believe i guve good advice. and i used to give this person good advice like. it was a nice friendship back then #but it became so one-sided as in i received info dumps and vents about the same stuff over and over and the few times i talked about myself #i received some half-hearted dismissals like. oh cool or oh that's so sad. anyways. and then we went back to talking about them. #and it was so frustrating but at first i thought well if they're gonna use me as a venting device so will i despite getting no input like #they became a void to me which i was getting gradually accustomed to it was fine. but then today they asked if i could talk on the phone #i said yes because i wanted to prove my theory. the plan was: i answer #let them talk without offering any input whatsoever. see how long they can just talk and talk and then in the end see if my lack of answer- #-elicited any reaction at all. and unsurprisingly it didn't. i waited for them to finish and then i thought #well at least they might ask me how my day was or something just to confirm i was listening like idk but #i personally would find the quiet unsettling and would ask.but they didn't even do that. asked me if i had homework i said yes. that was it #that was IT!!! i felt so frustrating but at least i was entirely correct and it does hurt to lose a friend but this had been coming #for a long long time. the thing is though i cant just cut this person off #i hate confrontation so all i cant do is keep up this sort of a 'quiet quitting' kind of attitude. pretty easy to do with someone like this #so anyway. that's how you realize a friendship is fake and now i am a bit angry and also sad. but i guess i'll deal with it and move on #if you read all this hi and sorry for the venting. i just had to get it off my chest #vent post

[camscendants]

Me after working a 10.5 hour shift on cinema day

#went in at 11:45 am left at 10:15 pm #there was a pint when literally every single employee minus the two in the hospital was there #we were all getting paid time and a half so Everyone came in early and stayed late to get more money #like. this was $200+ for one shift #everybody was scheduled at least 9 hours and was required to work today #would get written up if you called out #I cleaned 50 theaters #honestly I was reading today all week But it was actually good #*​dreading #everyone was In a really good mood? #it felt like field day #a lot of people were kind of over it by the end tho. the one I brought with me to usher for the second half was Miserable and crying by the #end :( she was so happy earlier #we got tips cause a customer saw her crying surrounded by trash #honestly I’m still in a pretty good mood #ooo our manager brought in a shit ton of pizzas and we got free sandwiches from firehouse subs #there were chips and cookies and brownies #went on break and ate Everything #overall a good day #I am very sweaty #moral of the story Pick Up Your Damn Trash When You See A Movie Dont Be An Ass #cinema day #movie #work #job

[izzy-b-hands]

#text post #kudos of the last anon in my inbox today... figured I'd ask #apparently it's upsetting and not actually useful to many to have me post the links per this anon #so i figure I'll ask and see if anyone wants to give their opinion #ngl my writing confidence took a shotgun blast to the face last night #hence no day 13 or today's fic posted yet #i was also up till four worrying over my writing and finances hence this v late poll #bc my dumbass just woke up half an hour ago at one #tumblr polls #who am i even typing this for like i KNOW the answer bc no one interacts with my link posts #but other writers do it to some success so i thought that was always the way to go #maybe not tho i guess #what the fuck do i know lmao

[crossbackpoke-check]

"This extra space next to me belongs to you. I know where I end now. I won't get lost." -- shoot me (metaphorically) and leave me for dead (metaphorically) why won't you. To make this about Dylan and maybe it's about Connor, maybe it's about Brinksy, maybe it's about any journeyman in the NHL. My brain screamed Chris Driedger and his memorable (to me) Players' Tribune article:

And how can you mention Dylan and Zach (Za-ach, the way Dylan says it) without me having a breakdown about them? You simply can't. And for the younger dudes, maybe it's a little Bords/Briss, not yet steady in The Show, a little bit of distance, a summer that tries to erase and make up all the memories they've made separately... and then a blurry insta story in Vegas. Just like old times but somewhere else. Maybe it's not the same bed, maybe it's not the same set of forks, but maybe it's the principle of the thing.

Anyway, goodbye. Sorry for this, your tag walls make me break out in imagined scenarios.

Much love. xxx

please never be sorry for sending me messages <3 i love reading them i love getting them i think they’re beautiful and i love them i’m!!!!! [🥹💕🦋🫧✨💘😭 <- the best approximation of what my heart is doing]

ok NOW i am taking this step by step because every narrative here kicked me straight in the knees (metaphorically) i am w e e p i n g (literally): i knew tangentially about chris driedger going to seattle but i had never read his players’ tribune love letter to seattle & all i can say is oh. oh. and with the part about trains delayed but still being right on time—

sometimes a dream is a truth your heart knows long before you do. the space that the city and the team made for him (“you’d be the only guy on the team”)🗣️🗣️🗣️ !!! but the way that chris talks about needing to put in the work & leo not letting him quit,,, that’s chris filling up the teakettle with twice as much water, crowding one side of the bed (falling asleep against a bus window dreaming), becoming unburdened by the idea of not being their guy, not having the fallback being their draft pick to content and settle himself with. that’s chris betting on a future. that’s the train coming down the tracks, right on time.

(i am feeling unhinged about it)

SECOND. i know i was the one that said zach and dylan to start so technically i brought this on myself but also i have been ktfo by the mere mention of the way that dylan says zach’s name different from everyone else, stealing an extra breath, stealing as much time as he can get with him, which reminded me of a poem i just read:

The Need Is So Great, Jim Moore

^^^dylan still in love with zach even as he’s leaving, can feel himself losing him, and taking every sliver of the love in his smile that he can get. even if he knows zach doesn’t still feel the same way he’s drawing out the long goodbye & saying i love you in a thousand ways without ever saying it out loud (“i have been asking for a time but in ways that have no words” because he doesn’t want to ask too much, to ask for love) in the hope that zach will say it back OKAY I’M LEAVING i can’t do this

that was a lie because THREE. “maybe it’s the principle of the thing” please insert the most ungodly screech how could you just (lovingly) come in straight with the steel chair and bean me upside the head with that l i n e i think this story has the potential for such tragedy in it but also the most tender domestic longing because bords & briss have known each other for a long time (i think) and guys do sometimes lose themselves when they first get to the nhl.

it’s a big scene, you’re with big name guys, you’re finally doing the thing you always dreamed about, you’re no longer necessarily the best because everyone’s the best, you’re not sure how you fit in, you can get lost in the glitz and the glamor of it but you can also literally get lost in it, the slog of the season and getting caught up and down between teams and leagues and endless airports and buses and travel and ice rinks, losing your phone (accidental) and having new people hound you for quotes and fame and connection so you lose your phone (on purpose) and i think where i’m trying to go is: this could play out as the tragedy of borde going to the california coastline and briss shipping off to the vegas strip and both of them getting a little lost.

maybe there’s someone else, maybe i am steadfastly not thinking about “a summer that tries to erase and make up all the memories they've made separately” as either a summer of them pretending things are ok after a year of barely speaking and now being completely different people they never were before OR a summer of them trying to pretend like they can forget about each other because maybe they didn’t think their relationship was the same thing, is all, when they were or weren’t together. maybe it’s nobody’s fault but for the fact that they were scared and tired and lonely trying to make it in the big times and didn’t know how to show it. and then borde shows up with takeout and plastic forks in vegas and it’s december and nothing like winter in ann arbor and still they fill up all the empty spaces in each other with the things they didn’t know they’d miss until they were gone and this is the real thing, not whatever they were trying too hard to be, to recreate their own nostalgia for the love in their memories. it’s the principle of the thing, is all, to always be true to the love they have right now & not what they think it should be.

sorry that i wrote you kind of an essay of an answer but i had so so so many thoughts because your ask was so lovely so thank you for sending it to me (you are always welcome to!! i love your imagined scenarios!!! cannot even explain how much!!!) & thank you for taking the time to read my walls of tags :))) <3

#liv in the replies #every time you send me a message i do the thing where i’ve got heart emojis for thumbs & cease any coherency #FIRSTLY chris driedger who i loved as seattle’s goalie without even knowing the story: #dreidger fourth layer of a dream is making me tear up AGAIN hours later as i try to write this the echl the coast easy come hard to leave & #when he talks about being somebody’s guy laying my head down in the bog & dragging my hands over my face chris who let you say that. who let #u break my HEART i truly don’t think i will ever recover from the inception reference bc that’s what they all talk abt u know? the nhl dream #the players’ tribune articles are often some of the most poetic & touching sports writing & every time i am reminded i lose my shit about it #SECONDLY: #the ever present spectre of dylan’s first boyfriend zach werenski #i have so so so many quotes? drafts? posts? about the thing with saying someone’s name to call them closer to you i say your name to speak #more of you into the world so i will possibly look for some of those to say what i mean but also: this poem was originally reminiscent of #willingly by tess gallagher which is my ajax jack / superbuddies poem & this specifically did go with the a drop of paint / the light has #fallen through you part of it but there’s a part of THIS poem which i did not include that talks about the late light / has already happened #will go on happening forever & that whole poem with this now to say i know it’s embarrassing i’m asking for it :: easy to write about light #like falling asleep on the couch & having to carry yourself up to bed is the dylan/zach heartbreak of this. waiting & waiting for the things #you used to do & the love you used to / were promised to have with the hope that if you keep the coffee ready he’ll come drink it & instead #you have too many cups of tea one yours & one cold then half-warmed over & too sweet for your tastes but you’ve learned to drink it anyway #okAY now third: #this w/the UMICH BOYS? N O I DIDN’T EVEN!!! NOT A THOUGHT IN MY BRAIN!!! & now i can’t stop thinking!!! & i had an entire PLAYLIST already #a ??? while ago before i even truly knew the umich boys Narratives™️ i heard maude latour’s song ‘one more weekend’ & went hahaha isn’t that #a great song for when you have that One Summer of college before everyone splits off into their own lives? isn’t that a fun little umich boy #going into the nhl narrative?? to which i said NO but then it spiraled into a playlist &now there is delightful heartbreak to go with vibes #umich scholars please feel free to correct me if i’m wrong on any points i can’t remember anything presently about anything #also the f a c t that that vegas picture is real and i know exactly what you’re talking about is making me %^•*]+£’ bc how!! is that real!!! #okay ALSO just throwing in brinksy like a casual AHAHA have brainworm for a year (my autocorrect tried to go bringst like angst which. lmao) #connor and dylan… all of my journeymen… we did not touch that because i WILL start yelling about sam gagner and marc staal and #the chrysalis and the caterpillar

[swarmkeepers]

.

#trying to stay grounded in the present and experience where I’m at vs. desperately wishing for fall to be over: FIGHT #more than halfway through the quarter and realizing I haven’t been not-tired for like. any of it #I usually love fall and all the sensory things that come with the season and honestly it’s usually when I’m most grounded #and connected to my friends and the things and people i care about #and so it makes me so sad to realize I haven’t really let myself be here for any of it #in theory I like all the things/projects I’m doing rn but oh my god #i want this job to be over #I want that extra fifteen hours back in my week so bad #I want to Be Here when I am here! #I feel like I’m not even doing my work to my fullest potential #but also. I want to be able to stay late eating cake at my friends’ apartment. I want to hang out on the dnd call for hours after we’re #actually done just to chat. I want to be able to sit down and watch a movie with my friend without having to rain check the second half to #another day. I want to read a book for fun. I want to get myself to eat three meals a day. #i want to not have to cancel on my friends #i want to feel awake when my eyes are open etc etc #sola said

[milo-is-rambling]

Nothing like some light substance abuse to really make you feel like a child again

#me sitting in my room shaking in silence after turning all my lights off quickly and locking my bedroom door and holding my breath as my #mother turns the light on outside to let the dog out and the light between the blinds comes pouring into my rook #on the carpet I see her shadow as she walks past #minutes feel like hours as I wait for her to sulk away back to her cave. I open my bedroom door to sneak away to the bathroom and the light #from the kitchen is visible in the hallway. this feels like a personal attack when you’re a child sneaking around in the late hours. it #feels like we’re two mountain lions claiming territory in this house and you are cornering me in my bedroom just like when I was a child #I am typing this from under three blankets layered over each other to hide the light from my screen (with reduced white point) just in case #my mother walks outside near my window or near my bedroom door. #I feel so connected to my childhood self right now. sitting in the dark room with the only light coming from one window with the blinds draw #n. just the outline of each individual blind. and the light pouring in from under a locked bedroom door. if she knocks you have to answer. #if you don’t answer she will unlock it herself. locks never meant privacy in my home. I remember that clearly. #there was a lock on my childhood bedroom in my house in Maine. locked from the outside not the inside. they could lock me in but I couldn’t #lock anyone out. to be fair I had a habit of getting up in the middle of the night sneaking to the kitchen and eating slices of processed #individually wrapped cheese slices while watching horrifying shows like oobi and the fucking one with the band of four ppl they were all a #different colored instrument #idk anyways. there was a lock on my bedroom on the outside and I remember waking up in the morning before anyone else and playing in my room #and reading and waiting for like a half an hour every morning for someone to wake up and decide they had the energy to come deal with me #so that’s fun. undiagnosed adhd core. #coming out of whatever high trance I just had where I was connected to all of that childhood terror of being seen by my mother. I was afraid #of being caught even though I was doing nothing wrong. I was constantly afraid of something I did not have any reason to be afraid of. #it felt like at any moment I could be wrong place wrong timed with my mother and suddenly feel like the worst person ever. and I’m sure that #demanded a lot of attention and made her pull away from dealing with me I mean she had just lost her job and was running her own business #now and she was stressed and broke and trying to keep it together and I’m sure I was running around under her feet or my brother and I were #arguing but idk I just feel like I don’t remember anything from my childhood and what I do remember is being afraid of everything and is #that some emotional thing or is that just I have been anxious my entire life and no one cared until I was literally trying to kill my sled #self fucking autocorrect #anyways. #I think my mother has gone to bed so I’m going to slink into my own bathroom and maybe throw up a little 👍 I am excited to see what the fuck #I wrote here when I reread it tomorrow

[silhouettecrow]

365 Days of Writing Prompts: Day 73

Adjective: Flourishing

Noun: Nightmare

Definitions for those who need/want them:

Flourishing: developing rapidly and successfully, or thriving

Nightmare: a frightening or unpleasant dream; a terrifying or very unpleasant experience or prospect; a person, thing, or situation that is very difficult to deal with

#yet again i am almost late cos of busy-ness and just being forgetful #i worked an hour and a half over today at work cos i had my first real client so i had to get a hang of everything #it was a bit nerve-wracking but im feeling more assured im ready to handle my job (more or less) on my own #just some personal stuff and a wee update about me if anyones reading these #anyway #thanks for reading #writing #writer #creative writing #writing prompt #writeblr #trying to be a writeblr at least