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bg-brainrot · 2 months

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WHaBFHtLA - Astarion x GN!Reader - Chapter 2: The Second Encounter with the Pale Elf

Pairing: Astarion x GN!Reader (Elf!Tav)

Genre: Reincarnation, Angst, Mystery, Slow burn

Rating: Explicit, 18+

Tags: Gender-Neutral Pronouns, POV Second Person, Canon-Typical Violence, cw: light smut, sexual situations, blood, vampire things, act 1 Astarion dissociation

WC: 2.2k words, 2/?? chapters

Summary: Nearly 19, you think you have a handle of your past lives. However, not all of your past lives are created equal.

Ao3 | [Ch1][Ch3] | WHaBFHtLA Masterlist

A scholar from a young age, you’ve been keeping track of your previous lives since you turned ten. Now 18, going on 19, you’re sitting on more than eight years of documentation of who these people were and what they accomplished. You’ve lived as mages, as warriors, as scoundrels. Of your various lives, some of them appeared to you far more often than others, so each night you went to lie down with the question, “Who will it be tonight?”

Even after so many years, there’s something about entering your nightly trances that fills you with a giddy anticipation. It’s like a small gift from one of your former selves, as if congratulating you for getting through another day. Tonight you receive a gift that surprises you in more ways than one. After more than six years of laying dormant, long enough that you began to doubt if it was even a life you’d led, a previous life bursts back into the picture in an exhilarating fashion.

You access your reverie like any other night, by entering a deep, meditative state, your hands curled to focus, your mind blissfully blank. You inhale deeply.

A single exhale later, you find yourself panting. Your heart is racing, your blood pumping furiously through your veins, and when your eyes snap open they’re met by a set of half-lidded red eyes.

They bore into you, and distantly, you recall seeing such a pair before. Before you can piece it together, you feel your body pushed down to the ground.

Am I in danger? You think, staring at the night sky above you, trying to reconcile all of the sensations that are assaulting you at once: The grass beneath your bare back, the pounding of your heartbeat in your ears, the fresh scent of bergamot with underlying notes you can’t yet place. What–

Another thought never forms, because suddenly a pair of cold hands grip your hips. Their careful, light fingers trace up each of your sides, leaving a trail of shivers in their wake, and land at rest on either side of your chest. A man comes into view above you, curly silver hair haloed by the moon’s glow. He’s beautiful, of that much you’re certain, but he also evokes a deep angry feeling in your present-day mind. You would focus on that feeling, tracking it down to its source, if only you could find the headspace.

Your past-self is driving this memory though and their emotions are overwhelming you. When they see him, perched above, they chuckle, low and sultry. “Don’t hold back on me.” Feelings of longing, desire crash over you, leaving you reeling from their force.

Oh , you think to yourself. I’m not in any danger at all. This isn’t new to you, and despite how odd it is, it’s not entirely unpleasant– especially compared to other memories you’ve had. So you relax into the experience, allowing yourself to feel what your past-self might have felt in the moment and learn what you can, you suppose.

The man above you gives a deep groan and, in a voice you swear you recognize, says, “Oh darling, be careful what you wish for.”

A second later his mouth is on yours, your lips and bodies begin moving together in a rhythmic dance that stokes a fire burning deep in your chest, igniting a fire that burns lower. It’s difficult for you to tell where your emotions end and your previous self’s begin as the kiss deepens. A second later, his teeth nip at your lips in a playful tease, and a part of you wants him to stop teasing and just bite.

You feel your neck crane, an invitation. He looks at you, as if asking permission for something. Your mouth says, “I said don’t hold back.”

The man, an elf now that you’ve gotten a better look at him, growls. It rumbles through him, into you, and it's near primal in its urgency. An odd flutter of fear courses through both you and your past-self before he lowers himself and bites your outstretched neck.

Nevermind, I might be in danger, you think, as you feel a pair of fangs pierce your neck, a sharp intake of breath passing your lips. But you find that your body doesn’t mind, that, even as blood is sucked out of your veins, your body is aching for this man, hands grasping at his back, mouth moaning into his hair with abandon. A bloody vampire is suckling at your neck, and you’re finding… enjoyment out of it?

The vampire seems to be enjoying this just as much as you are, each deep draw of blood eliciting another tantalizing sound deep from his chest. The sounds send tingles down your spine, have your fingers clenching his shoulder blades, his sides, his hair, in a frantic attempt to find purchase.

It’s pure pleasure coursing through your past-self into your present self. But this moment, where the man is clearly feeding off of you, brings to you a new sense of clarity and a few obvious facts. This man is a vampire and your past-self seems intimately knowledgeable about this. He must be the same silver-haired man from all of those years ago. And he is just as deadly as you were afraid of.

You will your past-self to shove, to fight him off, whatever it takes– That they could shake off whatever compulsion he was using. But you know that there’s no point, the past is the past, and you’re just as lost in their emotions as they are.

So deeper he drinks, and you feel your head growing lighter and lighter, the burning in your belly a mixture of your own anger and your body’s uninhibited lust. I will die here, you think. Because this version of me is a fool.

Before you can resign yourself to death, the man detaches himself from your neck, panting heavily. Each puff of breath feels like a welcome relief on your burning skin. Clearly, even blood loss wouldn’t quench the searing heat his touch leaves behind. His tongue laps at your neck, and your body shakes at the sensation, acutely feeling the long line he follows.

“Delicious,” he murmurs into your neck. His lips press a trail of cool kisses up your neck and along your jaw. Once he’s lifted himself back above you, you see the full view of his blood-stained lips, his wicked fangs gleaming bright white in contrast.

You feel your own lips curl into a smile, and you want to slap yourself. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll still run, realize that life is worth living. But no– your past-self is busy placing their hands on either side of his face, bringing his lips back down into a crushing, bloody kiss.

There’s no point in reason here, you realize, as a deep desperation overtakes every other emotion. You don’t think you’ve felt any other emotion as singularly as this one. His hands lift your hips for him, before coming to rest on the undersides of your butt. Your lips break away from his and he gives you a low chuckle, before he says, “My, my, I knew you wanted this, darling, but aren’t you an eager thing?”

Before you can answer, he’s squeezing your backside, tugging at your thighs, angling your body for him in a way that leaves your insides squirming. You feel him, hard, pressed against you, and hear a soft sigh escape his lips.

The sound causes you to focus, to look into his deep, crimson eyes. If you didn’t know any better, you’d say that they rather see past you. Your hand traces along the line of his jaw in an altogether too delicate touch, perhaps your past-self sees the same thing you do. It doesn’t last long, because he’s moving against you a moment later.

The sensation is overwhelming to both of your bodies– you swear you can see stars. Despite the moment of pause, your past self seems more preoccupied with coming undone. Their back arches, muscles straining to keep up with the man’s relentless pace. They exhale a shuddering breath and you can feel your emotions reach a fever pitch.

The memory cuts out for a moment and when you return to it, you find yourself gasping for air. “A-a-a,” your mouth starts, unable to finish a single word in its addled state. A whimper leaves your lips that sounds utterly obscene to your own ears.

“Don’t be shy now, darling,” he pants into your ear. “Let everyone know who has you screaming, begging for more.”

Sheer emotion floods you, and your grasp on the reverie slips. The last thing you register before you’re forcibly shut from your dream is your past-self crying out a name. “Astarion!”

You snap out of your trance, breathing hard. Your cheeks are flushed, your body can feel all of the lingering aches. Never in your 18 years of living through past memories have you had one like this and it leaves you feeling deeply embarrassed– as if you’ve intruded on a memory that wasn’t meant to be yours.

It wasn’t having a lover that surprised you– you’d dreamt about several of those. It was uncomfortable enough to be a teenager, but adding on previous lifetimes of love, awkwardness and puberty felt like a different type of torture. Luckily they were all just that: awkward and gawky and not at all something you enjoyed. You’d leave those dreams miffed, a wasted night of learning what? Fumbling fingers and sloppy kisses?

But no, tonight’s was different. And that bothered you even more.

Your past-self surrendered entirely to him, their body and soul at his whim. Even in the deepest throes of passion, you could feel their desperation– the desire to lose themselves completely in this moment of pleasure. It didn't feel like love. It felt like survival. Who was this man, this Astarion, that he would elicit such emotion? And who were you, to feel this lost?

After that night, you dream of him constantly. A few of your trances are similar, leaving you hot and uncomfortable, wondering who exactly this man was to you. It didn’t feel like love, rather a simple release. Other dreams, you find yourself wanting to gag from his over-the-top flirting, crude jokes, and just plain idiotic banter. Most of it is mundane though, memories you wouldn't normally get from past lives– Days where you’re just walking and talking. The man, Astarion, almost seems… normal at times.

At first, you’re annoyed, why are your reveries suddenly so focused on this one man? Why is your past-self incapable of seeing him for the monster that he seems to be? And what was the point of these useless little dreams– to humanize him?

Amidst these frustrating memories, you do seem to open the floodgates for other moments from this life. Aside from your clear obsession with this vampire, you find your past self to be quite fascinating. They have so much knowledge for you, about all types of new things and new people.

Months pass and you grow to enjoy the memories of this past life. You look forward to them, as long as it’s not all about Astarion. As you’re documenting what transpires, you realize that you might have been someone really, truly important. You find yourself wishing that your other lives would take a break, that they would leave you dreaming of this life for as long as you can.

Aside from the annoying vampire, you dream of other companions, learn their names. There’s Shadowheart, that’s who was in the first memory you received– a follower of Shar or maybe it was Selune? You learn of Wyll, apparently some kind of famous Baldurian hero, and, of Karlach, a fearsome looking tiefling woman. A githyanki woman called Lae’zel shocks you the most. You’d never seen a githyanki before seeing her, so every time you dream of her is a thrill. There’s a wizard named Gale. You almost think you recognize that name, but shoo the thought away after a bit. Surely anyone who wasn’t an elf would be dead by now.

There is one elf among the group, other than the vampire, a druid named Halsin. If this particular lifetime wasn’t too far in the past, perhaps he could shed some more light on who you were. You make a note of it on one of your papers. Your parents have warned you against learning too much of your previous lives, but it wouldn’t hurt to investigate a tiny bit, right?

But even with this colorful cast of heroes from around Faerun, your mind keeps coming back to this silver-haired vampire. The dreams of him are the most vivid. They leave you breathless, jolting you out of your trances in various states of distress, delight, and desire.

You wish you could shake your past-self. Why are you so focused on this dangerous man? He’s manipulating you! you wish you could yell. But you can’t, all you can do is experience this life second hand, and watch as your former self deeply intertwines with him. If there’s one thing this life is teaching you, it’s that you know better than them. You’re smarter than them, and, while you’re learning plenty of the world through their eyes, you will take none of their lessons in love.

It's more than a decade later that you finally understand.

#astarion #astarion x tav #fanfic #astarion fic #astarion x reader #astarion fanfiction #astarion fanfic #astarion masterlist #gn reader #astarion x gn reader #astarion x gn!tav #astarion baldurs gate #bg3 astarion #when he's all but forgotten how to love again #whabfhtla #reincarnation trope #elf!tav #astarion x you

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eclipse15 · 10 months

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Could you make a list of known types of programs? It is hard to find one in a place that isn't also littered with many triggers and things that need to be avoided.

TW: PROGRAMMING (MC) LIST

Here is a link to the Greek letter programs, which I will not include in this list for my fingers’ sake. I can’t make a list of every program that’s known to man, as that would be way too long and hard.

Do not share this post (including rbs) without a proper warning. This is not meant to give specific examples of the programs, nor explain how they’re installed. If you’re looking for that, go somewhere else. This is not a conspiracy post, it’s an abuse survivor post.

That being said, here’s a list of common programs and programs that we have.

Access: when one has a trigger (or more than one) that gives programmer(s) access to the system through a part

Amnesiac: when one forgets previously known memories in a moment where the memories were about to be shared. Does not apply to general dissociative amnesia

Don’t tell: when unpleasant experiences, such as dizziness or aches and pains, are triggered when a victim speaks out about abuse

Duality: when one has programmed internal conflict between parts, causing distraction and distress

Emotionless: where one is instilled with the idea that they are emotionless and can’t, or shouldn’t, feel. No official name, but it’s a common one (usually tied in with epsilon)

Gender role: where one is assigned a gender role and programmed to revolve their identity around the role. Things like the subservient wife. Is also called prince/princess

Hierarchy: where one is either internally or externally placed in an artificial hierarchy that decides who is deserving of things such as food, space, respect, etc. Can go both ways-one can be high ranked or low ranked, or in between. No official name

Mental: an umbrella for programmed symptoms of mental illness (specified or not) which covers up root causes and prevents victim from receiving needed help. Again, they are symptoms not actual disorders. You can only program trauma disorders. No official name

Military: where one is taught to behave like they are in a military-following orders blindly, rigorous training, etc. Usually tied into sigma programming (see link above)

Organization: an umbrella program where parts are organized into things such as flowers, cards, numbers, etc. usually tied into epsilon or theta programs (see link)

Scramble: when a trigger scrambles ones mind into being completely incoherent, to others and the victim

Silence: when one cannot speak their traumas, despite having the full remembrance and understanding of trauma to do so

Shutdown: where one completely shuts down when triggered. Can appear to be extreme dissociation, but the two are differentiated by the lucidity of the victim

I will never be explaining how these programs are typically installed, nor will I be promoting the ideas that:

Programs can be healed through things other than psychotherapy (rituals, healing retreats, etc.)

Programs can cause things such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and other non-trauma disorders

All you need to know is that these are what the programs mean and that you aren’t the only one with the program. And even if you are, fuck it, you still have it. Let us know if we missed an important one, that’s all.

#🌼#tw tbmc #tbmc #tw ramcoa #ramcoa #did alter #did osdd #osddid #hc did #polyfragmented #polyfrag #polyfrag system #actually mentally ill #endos dni

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toki-is-the-king · 5 months

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Toki and Skwisgaar as your partner head canons:

I’m sick so me and Toki have been making these hehe sorry they’re all over the place. These are gender neutral as well so you can imagine any gender as their s/o <3

Toki:

Although Toki is way more childish, he likes to take on the caretaker roll in the relationship (when he’s not age regressed, then he needs to be taken care of). Toki likes to wake up early and get your coffee and bring it to you while you’re still asleep. He’d wake you up by kissing you on the cheek and attacking you in hugs and kisses.

Toki is very much into serving his partner. He shows his love by acts of service and encouraging words. He remembers the small things about you like your favorite color or your first kiss, your favorite childhood memory and how toasted you like your toast. Toki will definitely stop you to tie your shoes for you if he notices they’ve come undone, and he loves to open doors for you or carry all the heavy bags after you’ve gone shopping together. He’s more traditional than the other guys and wants to marry you so he can spoil you and shower you with his love every day, not that he doesn’t already. Toki is already thinking of marriage on the second date and says ‘I love you’ first. He wants you to think he’s the strongest and most capable person ever and show you he can do anything- but but the longer you’re with him you’ll start to see he can’t always be the strong one, he will most likely need you to be strong half the time, if not more.

Toki is a sweetheart but he does have his moments of suppressed rage and it scares him more than it does you. His ptsd often manifests in anger and lots of yelling and tears. He would never take his anger out on you, it’s always on himself (or drunk guys screaming too loudly at concerts) but whenever you find him with bloody knuckles or bruises and cuts he’s inflicted on himself, it breaks your heart and he feels too ashamed to speak to you while he’s huddled on the floor in a corner somewhere.

Toki will often shut down and goes catatonic after his episodes and you’ll have to make sure to be very gentle with him. Once he’s stopped dissociating as severely, he’s usually fallen into age regressing and needs lots of gentle coaxing and reassurance. Even when he’s regressed, Toki still wants to make you proud of him and show you he is a good partner. He’s even more affectionate to you and shares his favorite stuffed animals with you, pleading with you to cuddle with him in his bed that’s way too small for two adults, but you do it anyway and hold him while he watches cartoons. He will want you to sleep with him until he’s feeling safe enough to be an adult again, and when he wakes up as his adult self with you beside him, he often breaks down and thanks you for staying with him, constantly apologizing for his actions but you always assure him that you love him no matter what. With some persuasion from you, Toki might even attend some therapy sessions, but once you tell him about couples therapy then he’s completely hooked- he never knew you could take your partner with you and he loves it. He spends most of the sessions holding your hands and listening to you talk and smiling every time you look at him. When it’s his turn to speak he usually spends most of the time saying how much he loves you, and when he finally begins to open up about his past and the child abuse he endured, you are right there with him, holding him and telling him he is so brave and it allows him to revisit the traumatic memories without fully losing it.

Therapy helps Toki understand himself better and that he’s not a bad person or too damaged to be loved. He often blames himself for the abuse he suffered as a child but he learns to accept himself and you are so proud of him for being brave and facing this fears. It makes him so happy and he loves to hear how proud of him you are.

Sex with Toki is very tender and sweet. When he is in the mood it’s amazing, and you’re still shocked he’s never been very sexually active, because the groupies are missing out. But most of the time Toki prefers hand holding, kissing, hugging, and romance. He was so sheltered growing up that he didn’t learn much about sex at all, but he loved romance books and poems and all he ever wanted was true love like in the fairy tale books he would read. He loves to do the cheesiest things like putting rose petals on your bed and then lying in the middle of it with nothing on. (Skwisgaar taught him to do it and he saved it to use on the perfect person).

Another thing Toki absolutely loves is bathing together. He will run you a huge bubble bath and adds all kinds of bath bombs and flowery scents to help you relax and gets your favorite body wash that he will rub all over you. He lights candles and has the Klokateers open a bottle of wine for you both to share (he can’t figure out how to open the wine bottles). As the two of you bathe together he’d start to give you a massage and kiss you all over. Toki loves giving hickies and leaving marks everywhere, and sometimes he gets too carried away but it’s only because he loves you so much and he wants everyone to know that you are his. After the bubble bath, Toki wraps you up in heated towels and takes you back to his room where he’s set up an indoor date night with snacks and more wine and your favorite movie on his iPad. He always has a touch of innocence to his actions and it’s so sweet.

Bonus for cheesy romance: Toki is the type of guy who buys you those teddy bears holding hearts that you get at CVS. He buys you a stuffed animal for every occasion and you cherish each one. He gets so excited when he stays over at your house for the night and sees the teddy bears piled on your bed.

Skwisgaar:

Skwisgaar was extremely against relationships at first and only wanted a one night stand, but once he met you, he fell in love and he couldn’t lose you. He’d never been in love and though it scared him he never wanted you to leave him.

Skwisgaar would appear to be more of the dominant type considering he’s the guitar god and usually thinks very highly of himself, but that’s not always the case. At first, he tries to force himself to be the strong caretaker type but he’s emotionally unavailable and too detached to know how to do any of that. He’s also not as traditionally ‘masculine’ as he tries to play off. Once he gets comfortable with you (it takes a long time) and lets his walls down just slightly, you’ll see a completely different side of him. Though he tries to hide it because the rest of Dethklok make fun of him. He’s the one who reminds you to do a skin care routine or take off your make up before going to bed, and if you forget you will wake up with Skwisgaar on top of you, scrubbing your face with make up wipes and lathering it with moisturizer. Skwisgaar will definitely do facials with you and likes getting pedicures or having his hair brushed when he’s falling asleep. He likes to be told how pretty he is and that he’s beautiful, he loves compliments more than anything. He’s also very into being taken care of, and won’t admit it for awhile, but it is obvious from the start that he likes to be treated as royalty and spoiled.

As a one night stand he is standoffish afterwards and might not remember someone’s name- but as a boyfriend Skwisgaar is surprisingly very clingy, but in a subtle way so he doesn’t scare you off. He doesn’t have a lot of people he can depend on or let his guard down with, so once you’ve made it on his list of safe people, he always wants to be with you and always wants your undivided attention. He gets very offended and upset if he feels ignored, so you’ll have to make sure to reassure him you aren’t abandoning him if you don’t respond to his texts right away. Skwisgaar has deep rooted abandonment issues and surprisingly low self esteem when it comes to himself without his guitar skills. When he’s not on stage being worshipped like a god, he’s very insecure and anxious about himself as person. His ego needs constant validation and without it he feels worthless. He has many narcissistic tendencies but it doesn’t make him bad, and you are always so patient with him. You understand that he’s been seriously neglected and promise him you won’t ever do that to him, he finds it hard to believe but the sincerity in your voice makes his eyes light up.

He’s never been genuinely loved so he’s in constant competition with everyone for your approval, and if you show more attention, even platonically, to the anyone else, he notices instantly and gets upset and will sulk for hours until you ask him what’s wrong. He worries you’ll leave him if he’s not the best and he often takes the smallest things very personally. His emotions are very fragile though he tries to pretend he has none. When Skwisgaar is upset he thinks he’s great at hiding it but everyone will know when he’s having a bad day- he’s a bit of a drama queen but you love him any way.

When you’re around other people he often puts on a persona that he’s better than everyone around him and even though he wants you to love him, he can be a huge dick if there’s a crowd of people watching and he wants to impress them. There are times where he’s too blunt or rude to you and it doesn’t occur to him how mean it sounded until you tell him. Once he realizes he’s hurt your feelings he feels awful and will do anything to make it up to you. Skwisgaar might come off as being very unfeeling (he is quite the opposite), but he cares deeply about his friends and even more for his partner, and is always internally panicked over losing you. He can be mature if he really tries, and will work to change his bitchy behavior just for you (he refuses to be a toxic person like his mother).

Skwisgaar also likes to take care of you financially and will always leave you little ‘I love you’ notes with a wad of cash inside encouraging you to buy yourself something nice. He loves buying you expensive bouquets of flowers any chance he gets.

Skwisgaar is a very sexual person and he shows love through intimacy. He’s the best sexual partner you’ll ever have and he always makes sure he’s doing everything to your liking. It gets him off to know you’re enjoying yourself because of him and that alone is enough to satisfy him. If you have anything you’re specifically into he will bend over backwards to satisfy you and is never afraid to engage in the kinky stuff you’re into just to please you. He also has his own sexual desires that he is usually so up front about, but when it’s with you he actually becomes very shy and you’ll have to force it out of him. He’s never had sex with someone he actually loves or with someone that actually loves him back. Whenever you tell him you love him he almost cries, and the first few times you told him was while you were having sex. He had to stop everything immediately and left the room so he didn’t cry in front of you. It was awkward and he was ashamed of his actions, but he wasn’t about to cry and anxiously puke all over himself in front of you. He has a lot of issues but he’s working on them because you encourage him.

Skwisgaar has moments where he is too overwhelmed by your affection and doesn’t feel he deserves it, so he will begin to distance himself and it only makes him feel worse. He will only open up about it after you pry it out of him and it usually ends with him being pissy that you forced him to communicate healthily, but then you let him be the little spoon and cuddle him for hours and he’s fine afterwards. You’d never met anyone more touch starved than Skwisgaar- which was impossible to believe because he has sex nearly every day. But it wasn’t enough and he secretly longed for gentle affection.

Skwisgaar is so busy and focused on playing guitar that he forgets to eat and drink like 80% of the time. If he doesn’t have you lovingly scolding him he won’t remember to eat. He was annoyed the first few times, but after awhile it makes him feel cared about, and in a weird way, fills the void that his parents never did. His dad wasn’t there and his mother never cared about what he was doing and so he had to fend for himself. You make sure he never has to feel that way ever again and treat him like a perfect princess because he deserves it.

#metalocalypse #dethklok #my writing #dethklok head canons #toki wartooth #skwisgaar skwigelf #dethklok headcanon #I love them #writing dump #headcanon #let me know if you guys want more #I love writing them

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detransraichu · 3 months

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Please feel free to answer only if you find it productive to explore these questions. They’re also coming from the assumption you see sexuality along the lines the bulk of the trans community claim to (ie, gender based, not sex based).

What do you think lesbians are attracted to in women that lesbians can’t be attracted to in men?

It can’t be anything about femininity or masculinity obviously. That’s both sexist, and cultural so can’t be what drives woman-only attraction.

It can’t be anything about stated identity because someone could lie just as easily as they could tell the truth in such a statement, and it makes no sense because homosexuality and heterosexuality exists in other species with no stated identities. It’s not like other animals without gender are all pan.

Saying idk it’s the vibes or some indescribable trait women have that men can’t but “I can’t explain” is a nonanswer.

Soooooooo what is it? Or do you think any sexuality but bi/pan is just cultural performance or an identity rather than an inborn orientation?

this is such a good question! this might get lengthy.

i honestly have been thinking on this for a long time, for years. i was identifying as nonbinary since i was 13-ish, even taking testosterone for a while, very deep in the trans/nonbinary community until i detransitioned and embraced being a woman, specifically a lesbian woman. i still have many trans & nonbinary friends irl. i've never actually felt attraction to a... well, i was gonna say a man, but in trans terms i HAVE been attracted to pre-transition trans men. so i thought i was bisexual due to that. but the thing is, i knew something was off with me labelling myself bisexual. i've never felt truly attracted to an amab person. there were some post-hrt trans women i had sexual videocalls with back in my camgirl era, but i tried very veryyyy hard to focus on their hrt breasts and even then i kept drying up. when doing anything (long-distance) with amab people, i always had to pretend they weren't there, and always found myself imagining an afab body. if anything amab-typical showed up, like their deeper voice, or a certain angle of their face, my faint conditional attraction would dissipate. i'm attracted only to people with bio vaginas and breasts. i could say that applies to amab people post-surgery/hrt, but they just will never be the same, and the second i'm told they're amab the conditional attraction will vanish; and, if i had done things w them, i will feel very upset afterwards. just like how upset i was after my camgirl days. i knew that external forces, poverty, comphet, etc made me feel like i needed to "give amab people a chance." i felt guilty even daydreaming of same-sex exclusive lesbianism. i felt transphobic. misandrist. close-minded. like i needed to unlearn something that was preventing me from being amab-attracted. but it never worked, no matter how much therapy or personal growth i did

i was always more attracted to trans men -- even if that attraction wavered if they went on hrt or had surgeries, especially with just the social role of suddenly passing as straight -- because they had gone through afab puberty with an afab body and usually had a bio vagina, and often breasts, or at least feminine curves. trans people often joke they have a trans radar, but if cis people note the same thing, they all brush it off as delusion and bigotry... but if you spend enough time in transfem & transmasc spaces, you notice typical amab and afab traits in trans folks. and for me it just became too much, i couldn't be dissociated trying to force myself to date trans women anymore; i had done it in large part bc i knew they saught that validation from wlw very badly and posted about this quite frequently, and were all over me when i was a camgirl so i felt the pressure build. i have dpd and people-pleasing tendencies, and i knew i would've been dry or at least dissociated af if i had tried anything sexual w an amab person irl. that was a constant issue with the videosex. it's just not in my nature, i was just built to be afab-attracted, just like a cishet man. yes, afab-typical traits in an amab person can pique my curiosity if they trick me into thinking they're afab, but once it's confirmed they're amab it's just complete disinterest, everything in me is indifferent at best, repulsed at worst, depending on how pushy they are. and if i try to push through i get very upset, like a cis man thinking briefly of a guy being pushy with him at a gay bar. it's just dread at being made to do something you're not into. pure dread.

so yes, due to all this, i believe that i, and honestly the large majority of the population, has an attraction that is sex-based. in general, i believe that most people use man/woman to refer to sex anyway; they're straight bc they're exclusively sexually attracted to bio vaginas & afab traits or bio penises & amab traits in bed, they just don't get truly aroused otherwise so a relationship wouldn't work out. they can try to pretend, focus only on one part of their trans partner, but it just wouldn't be healthy. unless it was a sexless relationship i guess, but i believe that at least my own romantic attraction is purely sex-based as well, and that most ace straight people still wouldn't be able to stomach dating a same-sex trans person, as rude as it sounds. it's just not in their nature!!

and the thing is, this should be okay. sexual and romantic attractions ARE NOT PREFERENCES no matter what anyone say; typically the people saying so are bisexual, and so of course they don't understand monosexual experiences. it's like saying that a carnivorous animal has a meat preference... no, it's unhealthy for them to eat anything else even if they tried!!! i truly believe that sexualities are built in from birth, or at least a young age. anything else is typical conservative homophobic rhetoric. like lady gaga always said, baby i was born this way! you can try to change me, you can try to force me, but that'll never change my nature. i tried and tried and tried. but i'm homosexual. i feel bad for trans women struggling to find women to date, but they may have better luck with bisexual women. bisexuals and transgender people have a looong history of dating eachother. why they hyperfixate on homosexuals is beyond me... i respect trans people transitioning to better their lives, but telling us to fix ourselves bc they want to date specifically homosexual people to feel valid in their identity is honestly creepy, and super unnecessary

#asks #lay text #radfem #gender critical #man idk why i ended up using so many semicolons lmao #feeling fancy

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thepocket221 · 1 year

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FAUST HEADCANONS BC I MISS THEM WHERE IS MY BABY MR VOICE BRING THEM B A C K

yes i have the faust liker disease

they are everything to me🫶🫶

they/them faust TRUTHERS WE STRIKE AT DAWN

not non-binary nor gnc, just kinda,, genderless??

doesn’t feel connected to anything gender related(it might be due to a lack of self identity)

average “clothes don’t have gender” truther

cannot cook nor bake for shit

idc what you saw this bitch cannot follow a recipe to save their life

fav place to eat out at is very unknown noodle bars

an average pho enjoyer (soup and noodles are their safe foods)

blocked the term “blue hair and pronouns” and it’s many variations from regular chat.

“super chat is just funnier” <- faust when they are lying

definitely has beef with charlie

my only evidence for this is that in the end of bittersweet chapter 3, charlie and auron clearly have a better relationship compared to that of auron and faust

definitely feels like their easily replaceable

“wow all that time i spent trying to get to know you and spend time with you just for your to like this blond bitch huh. okay. wow, love you too, brother.”

often in a very dissociative state

doesn’t feel like themself

(gives them horrendous short term memory loss bc it’s what i have)

arm is littered with reminders

also has facial blindness

remembers people based off of certain attributes(voice, hair color, style choices, etc.)

chronic migraine disorder haver

their head hurts so much, but they are being very brave about it

“most of my hcs for faust aren’t based off of angst that lives in my head” <- glenn when they lie

became a streamer bc their body hurts a lot all of the time (wow projecting again, huh glenn /s /lhj)

little walks around town bc they still gotta get that vitamin D💪

also gonna slip in that they have trouble taking pills (WOW, PROJECTING AGAIN, HUH GLENN /lhj)

also doesn’t have a lot of friends but this is more self-inflicted. they just don’t like talking to people

“no point of getting to know someone if i’m just gonna forget them”

“autistic” <- glenn when they tell the truth

SpeIn is tarot, mythology, and constellations

“i can’t tell you a thing about myself but i can tell you every little detail about the stars and they have such deep lore behind them”

we don’t see enough abt the witchy aspects of them and finn I NEED MORE (i am a practicing witch)

only added bells to the cat ears, tail, and collar because they like the sound

makes them go (:

despises almost every fabric so they have to get all of their clothes custom made

vocal stims:

phrases from games they’ve played

a meme/tiktok they have saved to their phone (“lemme get my cat on the mic.. MOOOWWW”, “get the fuck off my porch”, shit like that)

humming and/or singing

tactile stims:

swaying either while sitting or standing

finger taps

walks on the ball of their feet

also a camboy

collabs between them and alphonse are legendary

at least friendly acquaintances

they charlie despisers together

this isn’t charlie slander i promise, i love him dearly (i have a playlist abt him so obviously i’m telling the truth /lhj /s /pos)

canonical thick thighs

canonically saving lives!!

doodles on their thighs

makes little tattoo ideas for themself (never goes through with it bc their pain tolerance is very low and the ink pen looks like it would hurt a little)

the type of individual to keep the stuffed animal they had since they were a baby

okay that’s it, goodbye and stay safe🫡

#glenn moment #glenn talks #glenn talks about yuurivoice #yuurivoice boys #yuurivoice #yuurivoice faust #headcanons #yuurivoice headcanons

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onigirio · 2 years

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Jason Grace Idea: him being brought back because the minor gods would riot if they found out the demigod who was going to make sure they all got recognized was killed and had to stay dead, so Jason Grace being resurrected and searching for Reader to let them know he’s alive again

back 2 you | j.g

a/n) anon you are so real. i cried a lil while writing this. overall i’m not happy with the wording but i tried my best ^^

warnings: mentions of death, dissociation, it’s just angsty, grieving. jason is sad </3

gender neutral! no use of pronouns or y/n

it was dark.

no, not the underworld as most would expect, but the moment that separated life from death. that fraction of time in which consciousness is separated from physical being. most would find it unsettling, but jason had felt this before. he felt it when he had died.

it hadn’t been too long, surely, but he stopped keeping track after a while. time moved so slowly for him down there. he was a hero and he had died in battle but still, he felt so empty. he felt so empty because he didn’t have you. you’d both grown close during your time on the argo II. the two of you having known each other at camp jupiter, though him having piles more relevance in comparison to you. you were a legacy of a more minor god, but you were valiant and brave in battle. praised for your skill with a spear and good sportsmanship on the battlefield

as most things go, you two hit it off. jason had fallen hard. you can’t really blame him, could you? the blond was so deeply infatuated with you. the way you laughed to the way your eyebrows furrowed when you were focused, or how passionate you were when you spoke about what or who you loved. safe to say he was down bad, but so were you. feelings were confessed but nothing was ever really made official. jason wanted to wait until things had settled down

alas, things don’t really “settle down” in the life of a demigod, do they?

when the news reached you of jason’s death, you didn’t really know how to react. at first it was denial. obviously jason wouldn’t die, he was strong. he knew how to care for himself and he had people around to protect him as well. so surely the news was false. really you were justifying false hope.

you grieved as normal, but you never truly reached acceptance. you kept the polaroids in your wallet, the scrapbook you made together, the bucket list you’d made in such confidence that you two would eventually get through it. you were naïve, truly. so naïve for thinking that a demigod son of one of the big three would be able to enjoy such normalcy. that was just young love. naïve and innocent. you just wish you’d never gotten attached in the first place. jason wished he’d known. he wished he got the chance to at least tell you a proper goodbye, at least got to hold you close one last time

the gods decided to humor him, just this once. “an acknowledgment of your bravery” is what his father had told him, and he wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. trying to adjust to life again felt like a sick joke the gods were trying to play on him, but the concept of seeing you again felt so warm, that he was willing to take that chance of life again

so in that fraction of time between life and death, jason felt just the bit more hopeful.

so here he was, outside of camp jupiter. adjusting to the feeling of a physical being was taking long but gods, he just wanted to see you again. crossing the threshold he was met by a chorus of surprise. people in the streets stopping and exclaiming but no matter the amount of attention, the only person he wanted to see was you. jason tore the streets as fast as his body physically could. at this point in time there was only one place in the whole camp you would be. he knew this of course, because you’d shown it to him

he arrived and his electric blue eyes softened at the familiar sight. the grass, the flowers and the massive tree that had been eternally graced with initials of past visitors. the one thing that excited him most though, was the person sitting under it.

it was you. after all this time you still found peace under the shade of the large tree. it was like nothing had changed. you were still there, book in hand as you laid back against the bark. even after everything, you were still as beautiful as he remembered. tentatively, jason called out your name. your name on his lips felt so foreign, but it just felt so right

he watched as you perked up, looking for the source of the voice. your eyes darted around until they locked with a familiar electric blue. you paused, watching in disbelief as jason made his way up the hill towards you. tossing the forgotten book aside, you stumbled as you made your way towards him.

jason caught you as you took an unexpected tumble, too blinded by the tears of joy welling in your eyes. the blond held you up, supporting you as you sobbed into his chest. it had been so unexpected and you didn’t know how to react. you were struck with so many emotions at once and all you could do was sob

and he let you

he let you because gods he never wanted to let go of you again. it had been so long since he’d felt your embrace and he just wanted to sit here and bask in the presence he had missed so much

jason was finally with you again, he was finally home.

#rio rambles #rio writes 🐝#asks! 🌼#pjo #hoo #jason grace #jason grace x reader #hoo headcanon #pjo hoo toa #pjo headcanon #hoo drabbles #jason grace x you #jason grace x y/n #jason grace imagines

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skaldish · 1 year

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What IS the difference between being a thing and identifying with a thing, for purposes of things you can’t just materially test? Like if I wanted to know my blood type, there’s just a test for that. But with something more abstract, how would that work? Like could my gender identity be incorrect because it’s just what I identify as and not what I am? That would be… troubling so I would like to ask for some clarification. What does Identify Vs Being mean for abstract facets of personality and experience when you use those terms?

I'd describe it as the difference between "experiencing the self" and "seeing the self in the other."

Gender is tricky because it's predicated on euphoria. Because of this, the only way to tell whether you are a certain gender, or just like the idea of that gender, is to experience living as that gender and watching it play out. Does it feel like a natural match, or is it a chore to maintain? Do you feel like you're running towards something, or away from something?

But in general, liking something and identifying with something is not confirmation you are that something. Identifying with systems does not indicate you have OSDD or DID; the presence of certain dissociative symptoms do. Liking dragons isn't a sign you're dragon-kin; it's the presence of personal phenomena that isn't better explained by any other model.

Additionally, people can discover something about themselves and only feel burdened by the knowledge, even if what they've learned looks glamorous to others. Cracking the code of Self can be as horrid as opening Pandora's Box.

Basically, there's a huge difference between putting a name to an experience, and trying to construct an identity out of things you relate to. And in my mind, it's critical to keep those things separate.

Play and exploration and trying on different roles is very important. It's how we get to know ourselves. Heck, it's what clued me in about my gender. But the stories we tell about ourselves are not interchangeable with the conditions of being ourselves.

Let me know if I need to clarify anything. It's something I "get" but haven't practiced putting into words all that much.

#answered

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inhumanliquid · 4 months

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"It's not abuse if it doesn't break any bones" and other lies you can tell yourself

An incoherent(?) ramble(?) about the effects of certain "punishments" from the perspective of someone who realizes they didn't turn out fine

I was hit and yelled at from the age of about two to a time I have no memory of. I wasn't even a bad kid, I just didn't understand social rules (autistic) and got upset easily (little kid).

All I remember from when it would happen was the pain and fear. I don't know what I did to make them so mad. That's a problem.

Because they never bothered to explain what I did wrong, I didn't get that what I did was bad. I assumed that they didn't love me and that I was irredeemable.

Once, I was hit just because I was crying because I got yelled at for no reason. My mother likes to threaten punishments for showing emotions pretty damn often for someone who claims she's okay.

They used to lock me in my room. Now I do it myself so others can't do it for me. I'd love to feel safe going out without being scared of being forcefully isolated again.

I grew up with horrible self-esteem issues as a result. I hated myself and assumed everyone else hated me, too. I was suicidal from the age of around five (which I only know due to a diary my mom bought me and decided it was perfectly fine to snoop through). I got yelled at for that, too. It made it worse.

I still can't trust my parents because of what they did. Loud noises, especially literally anyone yelling, cause me to have panic attacks. I hate being touched unless I personally initiate it or the other person asks very specifically if the form of physical affection they're looking for is okay because it makes me anxious. I'm unable to communicate effectively with others and quick to resort to verbal or physical violence because, believe it or not, it's hard to get past things you internalize as a little kid.

Part of why I refuse to even adopt a kid is that I'm scared of being like my parents. I don't want to make another human being feel like they're just an object for people to take their anger out on or to teach them to view others in that way.

Because of how my parents treated me, I struggle to maintain stable relationships. I blow things out of proportion and make them the problem of people who were never involved to begin with. People are either totally evil (my parents) or completely perfect (the few people who actually stay around that aren't obligated to) with absolutely no in-between. I'm not a person, but a ceramic doll that's been completely shattered and then shoddily glued back together without all the pieces because some of them were either turned to dust or simply lost.

I dissociate a lot. Usually, it's derealization (disconnection from the world) or depersonalization (disconnection from the self), but it's also things like feeling like someone else got yelled at or hit or locked in that room for simply being alive.

Tangentially related to that point is that I just... don't have an actual identity. I can’t even answer basic questions like what my favorite color is.

My name is anything but my deadname, and my pronouns are any but the ones associated with my agab... which could easily be because of the association I have with that specific name and those specific pronouns, so I doubt myself on my own gender identity.

I could give you a list of things I do to waste time and call them hobbies, but hobbies are something you enjoy. I don't really enjoy anything at all anymore.

Online strangers, like MatPat and some of my Tumblr mutuals, and various fictional characters are more like family than my parents have ever been, or ever will be. Because they're actually nice to me.

So maybe think twice before treating a kid like they're subhuman just because they're young.

#written at 1-ish am my time (send help)#vent ish #okay to reblog #child abuse #parenting #childhood trauma

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vampstel · 1 year

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I forgot I was gonna talk about this oops but here we are. Let’s go!! The Gender Talk™️ below the cut so be warned!!

I have a very complicated relationship with gender and it’s something I’ve always wanted to discuss to other people but never get the chance to. I tell people I’m trans and leave it there but I’m more than just that. To be more specific, I partially identify as a male. I don’t feel a full connection to manhood and it’s always left me feeling confused about my identity because I’m still in that toxic mindset that I *need* to be completely in the binary or completely out of it to be a “real trans person”

It’s a ridiculous notion I’ve had ever since I was young and its damaged my perception of my identity. My perception only gets worse when you consider I’m neurodivergent… societal norms and gender roles are not a thing I understand and I won’t pretend I do. I’ve always felt like an outcast and had little to no feeling about who I am until I turned 14. Even then, at 17 I still struggle.

But only recently have I come to terms that I’m not completely in the binary or out of it. I’ve adopted the label “demiboy” because of this.

The best way I can describe my gender is that I’m masculine. I’m a boy, but not entirely. My gender’s almost fluid, in a way. Some days I feel more masculine, other days I simply have no gender. You could argue it’s counterintuitive of me to feel connected to one gender yet feel like I lack gender but that’s simply how I am and I’m slowly growing to accept it.

I’m guessing you can tell where this is going. I’ve been dealing with internalized transphobia again. My dysphoria often manifests as apathy and dissociation which leads me to doubting my identity. It’s stupid and I hate it. Then with that doubt comes with scary thoughts of detransitioning (which is funny in hindsight because… if I’m scared of detransitioning cause I don’t want to be a cis woman, isn’t that solid proof I’m trans?)

So, as a way to cope, I’m trying to remind myself that detransitioning (that happening to me is unlikely but still) is perfectly fine. That should be making me feel reassured instead of scared. If I was wrong about my identity then shucks. That’s part of the journey and that’s okay??

Two things for sure though: I hate my voice and I hate my chest. Not only do they make me dysphoric, my chest gives me a lot of issues and leaves me overstimulated. Love being neurodivergent lol. Can’t wait to get top surgery someday.

On a different tangent: While I still feel doubt about my identity, I honestly don’t get affected by transphobia and it’s very odd to me? But thank goodness. I get transphobic comments a lot even as a small content creator and I’ve laughed at all of them without fail. I dunno,, it’s funny when strangers think I give a shit whether or not they think my identity is valid. I know who I am and that’s what matters. I don’t need validation from anyone but myself.

Anyway that’s all I have to share bye bye ^^ I’m still sick jsjsjs

#꒰ v’s rambling ꒱#• about: personal/miscellaneous #I wanna make a video about this someday #maybe during pride month Idk #anyway… so I’ve been drawing a lot #and also been coming up with video ideas #I’m more productive when I’m sick apparently #that was completely off topic but yeah

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a-dragons-journal · 9 months

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Just looked through the questioning tag (skimmed over a lot because I didn’t feel like it applied to me), but how do I tell if it’s gender dysphoria or species dysphoria? I don’t think I’m an animal, specifically, right now I’m looking into otherlink, copinglink and alterhuman because those sound vaguely like what I experience, but not completely. I’ve never felt any phantom limbs and often have trouble reading my own feelings/sensations/specific dysphoria. I also saw a lot of “picturing yourself in your mind as” and I can’t really picture myself in my mind at all, I tend to be very disconnected from my physical form. I know yesterday I said out loud that I wanted to be a god to my dad, that I didn’t understand why I have to have a physical form, that I just wanted to be my thoughts and consciousness and nothing else. Is that… like. Is that not normal? I’m autistic if that helps, I think a lot of what I experience are just symptoms of that (psychology + autism are one of my special interests), but was wondering if there are other things that could explain it more easily. I also identify as agender, but often I feel like that isn’t “strong” enough? Like I’m supposed to have a complete and utter lack of gender, the concept isn’t even vaguely in my perception of myself. Is this something other people experience as well?

A) I don't experience physical dysphoria in any sense, so I am not gonna be able to outline the differences for you very well, but I'm told they're extremely similar and it's not uncommon for them to bleed together. (Ex. does X want a flat chest because they're not a woman and shouldn't have breasts, or because they're a reptile who shouldn't have mammary glands regardless? Could be either or both.)

B) What you're describing isn't what I would call "normal", but it's... not necessarily a dysphoria thing? I don't know how much you've looked into dissociation, but that may be something to look into. It could be a species dysphoria thing, or it could be a dissociative thing, or both.

C) We are in the same boat on not having especially strong feelings about gender. My gender ranges from "meh" to "absolutely not" on any given day. Gender is a fluid mess of a thing and it's pretty hard to do it "wrong" imo.

Hopefully that helps some?

#rani talks #i feel like i should have more to say but my brain's kind of a mess right now sorry #alterhuman #otherlink #copinglink #anonymous #asked and answered

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genderqueerdykes · 1 year

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i struggle with extreme depersonalization and identity issues, so sometimes i can’t tell what gender identity labels i’m actually identifying with and what i’m picking up from other people / people i connect to or adopt the personalities of subconsciously. it causes a lot of anxiety and i’m not sure what to think

i understand that, as someone who has such severe dissociation that i've been recognized as having both DID and depersonalization/derealization issues. sometimes it's really hard to tell who you are, even if you don't feel particularly disconnected or out of touch that day. identity is a really fickle thing and when you don't have a lot of stable ground to stand on to begin with, it's really hard to pick up on the pieces that are there

i think it's reasonable for you to be concerned about trying to figure out what's actually you, and what you're picking up on from other people, but i do just wanna point out that it's totally okay to emulate traits from someone else if you're not sure how you would react to something. we are a social species and it's okay to sort of ride off of the back of others' vibes until you figure out who you are

it takes a lot of time, and it can be a lifelong process. i understand feeling anxious, but it really is okay to emulate others even when you don't realize, sometimes that's just how we learn, is to try something someone else tried first, and to see if it sticks. i hope that helps at all, take care, i understand the feeling and it's okay to feel anxious about it. i think you're doing the right thing in trying to figure that out, but try not to let it dictate you too much. you are allowed to not know, and you are allowed to guess

#asks #answers #questioning #mental health #disability #neurodivergence

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rainbow-scarab · 1 year

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I really like seeing gender in Hollow Knight

Whatever such a vague sentence means, uh XD I mean. I like seeing...the Hollow Knight community enjoy gender in the game, the exploration of it, seeing people use the fandom as an outlet for various expressions

And I’m not even....really part of it? Not truly. But sometimes you just get this feeling where you see people experiencing true joy in who they are where you become so happy to see who they are and think, you really love this world you live in. And hope that could just be the world all the time. With all the space you could ever wish for to be yourself, loved, enjoying yourself and all those around you

Still, I find myself looking at the vessels a lot. Cute little eldritch beings with no gender. Something about it feels personal. Perhaps the escapism for something I like. Perhaps still the thought of others enjoying them. I do end up wondering what people feel when they have gender euphoria

And I’m sad that my first thoughts, if I imagine what such a thing would be like for myself, are that I can’t. I hate that I have felt so traumatized in my life that I can’t even privately consider such things, even when there’s no one currently around me who would stop me. And, sometimes in my life I’ve felt like...I’ve had so much dissociation I can’t even tell what my own feelings are, to know what’s real about myself. But. Even so. I’ve felt like somewhere underneath it all I’ve been fine with being female. More than fine. I like a lot of feminine things (as much as “feminine” is a random collection of stuff that seems more like an umbrella than a coherent category). It still leaves a bitter taste as the first thoughts I have now to think of the possibilities of my own gender identity are that I have no freedom

Well, I do enjoy seeing it through others at least. Feeling the positive feelings people put out there surrounding Hollow Knight. My feelings might be particularly high right now having been trying to write an analysis on pronoun use in the game for the past couple weeks XD So much gender (alongside other qualities of pronouns). I guess I might say I’m personally enjoying the freedom of gender expression in this fandom even if it’s not particularly related to my gender, alongside just the general joy of seeing other people happy.

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jaymonae · 2 years

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About DID

Mental illness sucks! Not being able to escape the shame and stigma that surrounds being open about your mental health sucks! Self diagnosis is valid and important but it should also only be a last resort. A professional can look at all the things in your life that effect you and tell you what’s wrong so you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Especially since most things are treatable! Even more so when you’re young and still have neuroplasticity and the issues can’t develop more. I’m sorry that you’re not getting the support that you need however arguing with strangers on the internet over what the symptoms for DID are will not make your life better. People will still pay attention to you and you can be taken seriously even if it’s “just anxiety” or “just depression” or “just dsyphoria”. If it is DID there’s no harm in getting support for it from a professional. If it isn’t then you’re one step closer to finding out what the problem is. But I zone out and lose long periods of time! What is dissociation? https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/about-dissociation/ ADHD https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/adhd/what-is-adhd PTSD https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd Maladaptive Daydreaming https://mangoclinic.com/understanding-maladaptive-daydreaming-the-ultimate-guide/ But I hear voices! Schizophrenia https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/schizophrenia ADHD https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/adhd/what-is-adhd Psychosis https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/schizophrenia/raise/raise-questions-and-answers But I’ve been through trauma! What is child abuse? https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childabuseandneglect/fastfact.html PTSD https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd A Personality Disorderhttps://www.healthdirect.gov.au/personality-disorders But I have alters! What is multi genders? https://queerintheworld.com/bigender-vs-genderfluid/ Otherkin https://otherkin.fandom.com/wiki/Otherkin Creative Writing https://blog.reedsy.com/guide/creative-writing/how-to-start-creative-writing/ Talking to a trusted adult and getting someone to advocate for you to your teachers to get extra time on your tests and homework or mental health days out of school as an accommodation, being able to leave a class you hate early like gym to sit in a counselors office and play with fidget toys, being diagnosed with autism while you’re still a minor and it doesnt cost $3000, not being with your abusive family or away from a toxic relationship for a few hours a week in a therapy or counseling session? That stuff might help though. What is therapy? https://thewellnesssociety.org/what-is-therapy-and-how-does-it-work/ How to talk to your doctor about mental health: https://familydoctor.org/talking-to-your-doctor-about-your-mental-health/ How to get to a therapist? https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-find-therapist-parents-wont-help Can I see a therapist without my parents knowing? https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/faq/does-my-parent-have-to-give-permission-for-me-to-go-to-therapy What is a therapy session like? https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/what-happens-in-therapy/

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helenaheissner · 19 hours

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Book Review: “A Lady for a Duke” by Alexis Hall.

‘I see you.’ These are the words, unspoken verbatim but always felt, that run through Alexis Hall’s regency romance novel A Lady for a Duke. These are the words that, in my opinion, inform every great love story, both in fiction and in real life. That idea of someone looking at you and just KNOWING you, knowing all that you were, all that you are, and all that you could be- that’s at the heart of romance. Looking at someone’s truth and not blinking; looking at someone’s truth and accepting them as they are; that’s love.

Now, I love regency romance. And, obviously, I love love stories with trans protagonists. And while the traditional publishing industry doesn’t generally have a ton to offer on that front, one notable exception to the rule is this book. It tells the story of a noble born English trans woman who is gravely injured and presumed dead at the Battle of Waterloo, and, after convalescing in France with a lovely trans man and his wife who helpfully explain a few things, uses the opportunity to become who she has always been: Viola Carrol. Now, obviously, trans issues were not understood in the 1800s, and the English class system was gender-segregated to a truly terrifying degree, so upon returning to England and reuniting with her clueless but ultimately accepting and affirming family, Viola contents herself with a life of spinsterhood, helping raise her nephew and convincing herself she’s content with being alone.

All this changes, however, when a trip to an old friend’s manor results in a reunion between Viola and her childhood best friend Justin, a wealthy and deeply traumatized Duke suffering from festering war injuries, both physical and psychological. And at first, he doesn’t recognize her. She looks different, acts different, moves different, smells different, and besides, Justin’s friend died at Waterloo. And while Viola doesn’t contradict him at first, as Justin’s senses slowly return and the two begin spending an awful lot of time together, forging a new kind of friendship in their own right… He begins to see her. And she begins to see him.

Put simply: he’s a brooding mess with a drug problem, hiding in a castle waiting to die; and she’s a bundle of nerves drained of her former daring confidence, too afraid to let herself be happy. But within each other they see the potential for more: a dashing gentleman who will always do the right thing and needs to learn to give up control is what Viola sees in Justin, and a beautiful and fearless woman willing to sacrifice everything to live the life she’s been denied is what Justin sees in Viola. Before Justin know who she truly is, they develop a lovely flirting dynamic, and afterwards, once the shock wears off and the two actually start talking like grown-ups, you really do see two best friends coming to understand each other in new ways, even if they’re afraid of what it means. Even if they’re both convinced that they can’t be what they want to be.

Because SOCIETY.

Yes, that’s right, the real villain of this piece is not transphobia (well, mostly), but the British class system, which requires Justin to have a noble wife to ensure the security of his line. Or at least that’s the excuse Viola hides behind for most of the book, anyway. Because she’s afraid of being seen. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid that if anyone gets too close and ferrets out who and what she is, she’ll be condemned or even killed.

But this isn’t that kind of story. This is a love story about two damaged people learning about themselves and growing together. And learn and grow they do, coming together in a collection of moments that frequently left tears in my eyes. Hall’s writing handles both Viola’s gender dysphoria and Justin’s PTSD adeptly, through the blurry haze of dissociation and depression, and seeing our leads work through it and come together and get to finally, mercifully be happy together was absolutely beautiful.

The third-person narration of the novel mixes description with thought beautifully and artfully, making you see the emotion behind each word, conveying how it colors the characters’ perceptions of their surroundings and the unfolding plot. On top of that, clever, sparkling dialogue that manages to be witty in a (mostly) period accurate manner helps convey the chemistry between the two leads, as well as just being genuinely funny at points. Hall also weaves the story of these two lovestruck idiots into a broader commentary on the roles of men and women in English high society at the time, with the dark underbelly of that class system leading to several genuinely shocking twists and turns. Add into all this a very swoon-worthy bit of Regency-era bodice-ripping, some supremely cute moments of romantic squee between the leads, and a fantastic ending that conveys how far the characters have come in a manner that left a big, stupid smile on my face, and you’ve got yourself a truly great Regency romance.

It’s a fairy tale, in a lot of ways. Something like this probably never happened in real life. It probably couldn’t have happened in real life. But I don’t need it to be totally realistic. Especially in this subgenre, sometimes all I want is some wish fulfillment. The simple idea that someone like me could have gotten this kind of sweeping love story, gotten to be happy on her own terms with the man she loves, is more than enough. The idea that someone like me, someone like Viola, could truly be seen and accepted back then… Well, it’s hard for a big softie like me not to get caught up in that.

Happy reading, everyone :)

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#alexis hall #a lady for a duke #romance novel blogging #regency romance #regency #England #bodice ripper #book review #girlblogging #trans stuff #trans woman

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