#I feel like I watch vids of people drawing with a brush pen and it looks so nice and it makes me want to try it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

md3artjournal · 5 years

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Here i was feeling bad, and realizing that i was doing the thing with social media that everyone warns will give you depression: envy, feeling like crap by contrast, seeing how wonderful everyone else seems and making your own life seem more lacking. I just didn’t recognize i was doing it before, because the experts give this warning about following people who travel, have picture perfect families, and extravagant lifestyles. I’m not interested in any of that. I’m so disinterested in people-centric accounts that i didn’t understand others’ complaints about the deluge of selfies on Instagram, because i don’t follow any Instagrams that even take selfies. I follow mostly other artists. Artists who are so much better than me that a split second after enjoying how wonderfully full of awe their work is, i feel terrible about how I’ll never be that good. I don’t understand lighting, fabric draping, how hair flows, anatomy, 3D volume, perspective…and i never will because studying all those things is so excruciating for me that it just makes me hate art, learn nothing, and become horrible towards anyone nearby me in real life. ;_; Then i have to accept the fact that I only feel good about making illustration when i draw in my horribly lazy style. Therefore, it will never look good. ;__; Its like how a while ago i determined that maybe my illustrations would look better with thin lines and softer, color ink linework. But what happens? I just cant get myself to draw without a copic gasenfude. Brush pens are the only thing that feel good to draw in, for me (these days). And I’ve watched too many of my old pencil drawings fade with time, to feel un-anxious with anything besides the permanence of ink anymore (even though charcoal used to feel soooo good). I keep researching color inks and brushes or aqua brushes that i could use… or I tell myself to practice more with digital drawing on a graphics tablet… But I can’t help but recognize that im backed into a corner. I could get all the art supplies and mediums in the world, but my art will still be horrible because I don’t understand the fundamentals and I don’t want to do all that excruciating study. Because even when I did, it just went in 1 ear and out the other. There are digital illustrators I follow who have bemoaned times away from their tablets, unable to draw, but eventually give in and draw with paper, and it becomes clear that their drawings aren’t good because of their mediums. So what will it matter if I change mine? Especially when I can’t get myself to study AND retain the fundamentals? I’m just a lazy idiot who can only copy what I see and can’t draw without models and reference for everything. And even then, my interpretations are still lifeless or non aesthetically pleasing. ;_; I used to be happy with my drawing on the basic level that i was concretely expressing the stories and characters from in my head. But now, even when I work really hard on an illustration, doing more focus and linework inking that is easy, it’s still only good vs past me, but junk compared to everyone else. Now i know that comparisons vs my old skill levels should be good enough and is in fact a great measure of progress. I ate those philosophies up from martial arts anime. But I make my living in artist alley now, where competition counts. I tell myself that I don’t need to compare myself to illustrators because i’m a “sculptor”, a “jeweler”, but am I? The other day I was watching a vid of a working ceramics studio, and I remembered how little I know to do there. And can I call myself a jeweler when I haven’t touched a blowtorch. Or set a bezel in years? I’m just a crafter. Maybe i should relegate it to a hobby. But besides the thought of that making me miserable, there is 1 person I care about who desperately wants me to hang onto an art profession. I don’t want to disappoint them. Plus i remember how suicidal I was when my job wasn’t about art (or crafting). But I spend so many of my days unable to get myself to produce art/crafts and unable to deal with the stress of my own business. Maybe I’m not cut out for the art life. Which sounds dangerously close to my epiphany that im just not cut out for life. Jeez, no wonder I was suicidal in my non-art job.

But then I looked at the illustration tag on Instagram and realized that outside of the anime fanart community, standards are MUCH lower. I could fit in there. My drawings are still crap and i have no grasp on the fundamentals. But at least on this level, the fact that i’m better than past me, is enough. Wait. I was wrong. I forgot about the Realism illustrators. My drawings are still crap and doodles by anime fanartists are still incomprehensibly more amazing.

#venting #angst #quitting art

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ethereal-pluto-blog · 6 years

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I feel like shit today

I'm lethargic, slow, crying, and insecure. So yep ~depression~ has come to rear its ugly head once again.

But since I'm not into the whole anti-recovery thing, I'll give you some useful tips on how to maybe help YOUR depression that doesn't seem like a generic twitter self help thread. (Though I'll mention some things I found helpful and give explainations as to why.)

Talk to your therapist/counselor/mental health expert if available. Not everyone has the luxury of seeking professional help, but if you have the opportunity, PLEASE go to a professional. However be noted that it's often an experience to go through many different experts to find the one that matches your specific needs/ you like the most. Also keep in mind there are also online therapists ready to help if you're not big on one-on-one contact like myself, though often insurance is tricky. I put this one first because it might be the most beneficial for some, though not readily available for others.

If you have the strength, shower. Showering/cleaning yourself is a blessing in itself as it gives you a sense of detox. Though if you don’t have the strength or motivation, try some of this instead-

Utilize facewash and lotion. Particularly facewash that makes your face feel all chill and tingly, it makes you feel more refreshed. Lotions and cream will help you keep skin smooth.

Simply get wet with water, a quick 5 minute rinse in hot water is less of a chore than a full shower.

Dry shampoo will help with hair oiliness. Though if you don't have access just brush your hair and pull it/part it so it's out of your face.

Baby wipes. Baby wipes will cure yo soul. But seriously use baby wipes and rub them on your face, underarms, and genitals. A good rub down will help prevent you from feeling gross.

Splashing your face with cold water, it makes your pores tighten up and as a bonus it'll wake you up.

Utilize deodorant and vaseline. I haven't tried it out for myself, though if you put down deodorant and then vaseline on top it should trap the nice fragrant smell. And while you're at it you can put on cologne / perfume if you think you're getting a lil ripe, but if you want to smell like a fresh shower use ones that are labeled "shower fresh" or "baby powder."

If your lips are chapped, put on some balm shisters. (I don't trust the brand chapstick, I'm a conspiracy theorist okay I'm soRRy)

Change into some cleaner clothes. They don't have to be normal everyday clothes but at least change into new clothes, especially underwear.

Clean your fingernails/toenails. Clean under them, since random junk can get stuck up in there. Also clip them if they're too long for your liking.

Brush your teeth. But if you can't, use mints, gum, mouthwash, mouthspray, etc, or a combination of those. Anything minty will make your mouth tingle and feel fresh and clean.

Clean yo ears! Since probably nobody uses an ear vacuum (like you're supposedly supposed to idk I'm too broke for that shit anyways) just be careful using Q-tips.

If you don’t have any deodorant, try hand sanitizer! I'm not kidding. Put a dollop under each underarm, and let dry. Smells are caused by bacteria, so if you get hand sanitizer, it should greatly reduce smell.

Try to get some sun. Using the natural sunlight will help you absorb vitamin D. So open up the blinds and photosynthesize binches. Though it also helps to open up the window if you can, a breeze/fresh air blowing in with the smell of outside might even raise your mood. Though if it's currently shitty weather outside, try turning on your lights to match your circadian rhythm, so keep lights on during the day and dim it at night so it'll help with letting you be on a decent sleep schedule.

Feeling like there's no hope or that your future is going to be shit? Highkey me too, but here's what I do to combat that feeling.

It's corny, but I write a whole idealized future for myself. I write about my dream job, I write about my dream s/o, I even imagine the type of house I want to live in, the kids I'll have, what kind of pets I want to own. Etc. Although the economy is shit and no future is guaranteed, it's nice to put some positivity into light and show what I really want in life. I don't want to be some millionaire, I just want to be comfortably well off with a family and people that love me. And in all honesty a future like that isn't hard to obtain.

Even if you can't imagine a good future for yourself, imagine being a part of your friends or loved one's futures. For example, you know your friend who's dating this really cute person that you totally ship them with? Imagine being a part of the bridesmaids/groomsmen for their wedding when they tie the knot! Imagine your really smart friend finally graduating from college and you're at their graduation party giving them a speech! For me this really helps since I aspire to be drinking buddies with my best friend's future husband. (I'm rlly goofy ik lmao)

Feeling stressed about not doing anything? We've all been there. Try:

Doing work if you're due for assignments, though don't do it alone, if you can, arrange a group text/tutoring session/Skype call. If everyone is focused on getting something done then you'll be motivated to do it with them.

Though if you don’t absolutely have to do anything but want to do ~s o m e t h i n g~ I also got your back on this too.

Organize your inbox for your email. (Ik I'm lame)

Tidy/clean your room/any room if that gives you something to do.

Make your bed.

Cuddle someone/something.

Rearranging your stuff in your room, makes it feel like a whole remodel tbh.

Burn candles/incense. Don't ask just...trust me on this it can change the aura.

If you're religious, practice!

Take aesthetic photos of things in your room. Download VSCO and experiment with it. I also recommend Huji Cam and Afterlight. All are available for IOS and Android.

If you appreciate music- use YouTube and find some Playlists, or if you can, spotify premium will save yo mortal soul.

Like video games? Play some! Or if you're a brokeass like me, let's plays and walk throughs work well too.

If you got pets, pet them. Do it. Snuggle. Or if you love animals in general go and watch some vids on YouTube.

Build a fort.

If you're an artist or appreciate art- draw! Or you can watch animatics, animation memes, art channels, or follow artists on here or on Instagram and Twitter if you want to be inspired, or just observe.

Have a certain series you keep putting off? Watch! It! Netflix/Hulu that shit. Or cable TV works too.

Go on Wikipedia and just go on an adventure. Click from link to link and see where it takes you. Learn some weird new facts!

Read a new book.

Read the news/watch the news.

Write about a certain topic that you're absolutely fascinated about.

Watch movies!

Join a club/interest group. You can do this online too and it'll help meet people with similar interests as you. You can make new friends this way.

Give your friends a call/text. Having conversations will keep you occupied.

Self love aka masturbate. Or have (safe) sex with someone you trust!

Workout

Do some makeup/skincare routine. Even if you think you look bad just commit to practicing.

Sometimes it's just funny to go through and read some Reddit threads so be safe when surfing on there.

Stretch and move around! Dance if you wanna!

Do your hair/experiment in some new styles, maybe even dye it if you feel daring.

Have an icon you stan? Stan HARDER.

Watch iconic vine/rare vine compilations until you can memorize them.

Clean out your phone contacts of people that are irrelevant/toxic!! Out of sight out of mind! Don't hang on to them if they did you wrong. All the text conversations will just make you feel worse!

Actually cook your favorite food, cooking it will make you more dedicated to eating it and give you more of an appreciation for it.

Organize your closet.

Organize anything in your room/closet. Throw away things that you don't need or are too old to use.

Start collecting things, stuffed animals, pins, snowglobes, you name it.

Pinterest is addictive lowkey so try that if you're into that kind of stuff.

Write! Write a new story, write poetry, write about your feelings, write a letter, write fanfiction, express yourself.

Use Duolingo to try and study a new language to learn. (The owl will harass tf outta your email though but as long as you do like 5 minutes a day he won't bother.)

That's about all I can think of but feel free to add more for activities to dedicate your time to.

If you need to, because of your self image, don't go and stand in front of mirrors. If I stand in front of a mirror too long I'll end up scrutinizing myself and find a flaw after flaw. If you are specifically insecure about something with your body, look up models who have the same thing! Like if you're insecure about having vitiligo, look up Winnie Harlow! She's gorgeous! If you're insecure about being chubby, look up plus sized models! If you have a tooth gap, there's plenty of people like you! You don't have to feel ugly because of that when you have these awesome models rocking what they got.

Vent. You can vent to your friends, family, or even online. There are apps that allow you to vent anonymously to others without the fear of judgement. But if you can't do that, take a pen/pencil and write something down in your notebook. Though don't reread it to keep drowning in the negativity, once you write it, shut it. You can do the same on Google Docs online, once you write down everything, delete it. Don't keep trying to fuel your negative thoughts and bitterness, get your rant over with and be done. It's like a fresh start. (Plus on my Instagram spam account I always feel really silly looking at my old rant posts, so I usually delete stuff afterwards when I'm not feeling so in my feelings).

Don't expect recovery to be in a straight line. You'll have amazing days and also have extremely shitty days. Recovery isn't hoping to never experience shitty days, recovery is being able to feel the strength on those shitty days and know that they'll pass, and with each storm you'll be stronger than before. Don't push yourself to be flawless, because shit happens. But you'll make it through. And that's what matters.

And last but not least, seek emergency help if you feel like you're dangerously close to ending your life due to pain. Call the suicide hotline for support, because the pain can ease soon if you ask for the help that you need and deserve.

Not everyone that reads this is going to be like "wow this really helped me cope with my depression/mental illness!" But my goal was to at least try. It may not work for everyone unfortunately, but I hope that anyone dealing with a mental illness is on the road to recovering. Because I know how it feels. It feels sucky as fuck. But if this helps even just one person, then that's enough. I hope everyone has at least a decent day, and I hope that everyone's pain eases soon.

#depression #mental health #mental disorder #positive mental attitude #mentally ill #trigger warning #tw #anxitey #strategies & tips #tips #self love #self care #personal growth and development #road to recovery #recovery #remission #illness #i love you

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poketin · 7 years

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I was tagged by @timpaxew (thanks!!)

Morning Rituals

Get up, brush teeth, wash face, go to class lol If I’m at home, I’ll usually wake up and play a video game for like an hour or two before actually getting dressed and such. Biggest Fear Spiders, the dark, the deep ocean, enclosed spaces, ghosts, heights, roller coasters/water rides, maybe more lol The fear of being left behind by everyone terrifies me to my core, being a leech for my entire life, never accomplishing anything, stuff like that Cloudy or Sunny Cloudy because then it’s cooler and spookier! Also chance for rain~ A band you didn’t like but grew on you? NSP and Starbomb actually! I remember watching a few vids somewhere a looong ass time ago, like I’m talking yeeears, and I didn’t really get into it, wasn’t my thing at the time. Now they’re two of my faves ever! The song stuck in your head? Konosuba OP lmao couple other anime stuff Unrealistic dream? I’d love to sprout wings and be able to fly. So freeing. I’d also love to be able to practice drawing without wanting to stab myself with my pen because I’m so bad at it, I just want more confidence in all my art stuff so I can actually continue doing it and do stuff like make music and games and books and fanart and comics and etc. I want to kick out my anxiety and depression that stops me from being the best that I can be.

Dream Superpower? Shapeshifting maybe? If I can fly, I want to need wings to do it. Any regrets? Loads. Some are really painful, but maybe necessary in that I needed that lesson.

Lighter regrets like that I wish I didn’t know spoilers for some stuff argh lmao Superstitions? I always knock on wood, touch my crotch, or touch metal to ward off bad luck and bring good luck. It’s due to anxiety tho. Also ghosts scare the absolute shit out of me. something that makes you feel alive? People enjoying the things I do or make or I dunno just acknowledging my existence and accomplishments haha I remember once when I was playing CoD back in the day, someone said ‘she can take care of herself’ while we were on a mission and I felt super happy about that! Favorite genre of film? I know animation isn’t a genre, in fact it’s good to get away from that idea so people stop dismissing it, but those are literally the only movies that I can get into and fucking adore absolutely, so I’ll say all genres because they’ve all been animated at this point haha

I’d have to say horror/suspense/etc. and comedy for live-action, everything else never seems to interest me. Favorite Films? (in any order) Iron Giant, Jaws, An American Werewolf in London, practically all Ghibli films, Kubo and the Two Strings, Gremlins, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Secret of Nihm, Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, Prince of Egypt, and Aristocats. Favorite season? Fall because it’s cold and beautiful and eerie af!!! Favorite color? PINK!!! PINK PINK PINK!! ALL PINKS!! ANY PINK!! (i also like purple to a lesser extent)

Favorite foods? sushi, calamari, pasta, lasagna, tomatoes, fruit, sweets of all kinds, melon cream soda Worst habit? I’m really awkward, I procrastinate, I chew the hell out of my fingers and nails, I let my anxiety stop me from doing practically anything and I don’t take advantage of my time or bouts of self-confidence very well How many countries have I been too? U.S., Italy, Germany i’ll tag @tracelii @kaypxz @gooey-and-chewy @souloftheabyss @the-euglassia-watsonia @weirdman3214 and im too tired and sad to think of any more sorry lol

#you dont have to of course #tagged #long post

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