#I hate myself usually but this is good

[inkskinned]

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag #writeblr #it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal #fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho) #healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy #im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage.... #1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind #and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes #2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception'' #3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.'' #idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh #im sure there are people who have this experience normally #but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists #when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band'' #edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful #once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large #but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry. #but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes #but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally. #i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes #people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism #but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet . #i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY #and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound. #but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in #i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too. #here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change #was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort) #choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL

[watermelonsloth]

I think the reason why Naruto fans get so passionate and upset about the series is because of how real it can be. Naruto isn’t about paragon heroes outdoing dastardly villains. It’s about human beings fighting tooth and nail to survive in a world surrounded by death. It’s about broken systems made and perpetuated by broken people.

The Hyuga clan isn’t just antagonistic or pretentious, they practice slavery.

The Uchiha clan weren’t just killed by some raging psychopath, they were systematically massacred.

Itachi isn’t just cruel to Sasuke because he’s a bad brother, he’s cruel because he’d been told time and time again that you can only survive by being cruel and he wants nothing more than for Sasuke to survive.

Nagato isn’t trying to take over the world just for the sake of power, he’s trying to take over the world because it beat him down to the point of believing that the only chance at peace there is is the world being forced into compliance through fear.

Iruka isn’t hard on Naruto just because he’s a strict teacher, he’s hard on Naruto because he knows from experience how unforgiving the world is towards orphans.

Kakashi isn’t just some silly and slightly lazy teacher, he’s a contract killer still grieving his loved ones and struggling to do better without knowing how he’s supposed to.

Sakura isn’t just a fangirl, she’s a normal girl in a very dangerous and abnormal world constantly being made to choose between what she’s supposed to do and what she feels.

Sasuke isn’t just some edgelord, he’s a survivor who lost everything then gets repeatedly told that he has to choose between keeping what he’s gained and doing better than his brother.

Naruto isn’t just trying to be the best Hokage there ever was, he’s trying to prove his worth to a society that abandoned him just for existing and, in a way, confirm his worth to himself.

The Naruto story is about humans trying to force themselves into the role of weapons because that’s what they were told they had to be. It’s a story where everyone is a perpetrator but no one is trying to do wrong. It’s a story where everyone is a victim but no one is a perfect victim.

The world and the characters aren’t simple and trying to simplify them only takes away from them. So of course we get passionate about showing off all the reasons why they shouldn’t be simplified and all of the ways they’re complicated. Of course we get upset when we see others simplifying them or selling certain aspects of their characters short. Of course we get upset when the series itself simplifies them. Of course we get upset when the series chooses to abandon them. Because it not only feels like the characters are giving up, it feels like the series is betraying anyone who chose to get invested in its complexities.

#If you ever wondered why I can’t bring myself to really hate any Naruto character #This is why #They’re all trying their best (mostly) #naruto #naruto classic #naruto shippuden #analysis #naruto analysis #fandom analysis #sorta #naruto uzumaki #sakura haruno #sasuke uchiha #kakashi hatake #iruka umino #nagato uzumaki #itachi uchiha #every once in a while I remember why I like this series #and I remember why I think Kishimoto is capable of being a good writer #more serious than usual #my stooff #slight #rambling #anti naruto ending #anti kishimoto #Edit: I worded something wrong

[liauditore]

cw// implied character death, double life nonsense

because you are love itself.

#my art #trafficblr #double life #divorce quartet #<-- insane about how scott killed pearl in limlife. #this comic has been sitting unfinished in my files for a good month its def not finished to my usual quality but god it needed to be done #so uh scott... yeah. i like villain scott but not pure evil scott. i like a scott whos scared of being loved and manipulates others to spar #himself the pain. i like a scott who ditched pearl because their friendship was actually becoming real and when the server gods confirmed i #with DL he freaked out a bit and ran off. #ofc u can interpret this comic however u want but i was just thinking way too hard abt smajhor #i feel like often ppl get divided into scott did nothing wrong vs scott is pure evil alot of the time #which is understandable cus like i said with fanart/fic u only have so much space to show someones personality #but idk i like him all angsty. like i know im a bad person but to keep myself safe i need to keep being like this. #hes so blorbo *puts him in a blender* #i hate him *wraps him up in a blanket and takes him home* #cw implied death #cw implied violence #scott #pearl

[eveningrainstorm]

assorted psychonauts doodles

a close-up of this one, because i think it might actually be my favorite:

#still getting the hang of drawing them... i'm trying to find a good balance between the games' style and my own #i tried drawing them more in my usual style but i didn't like how they came out #and i have been wanting to branch out more with my art style so this is a good excuse to do that i guess #it's been fun! except for that one sketch of dogen. why does he have no legs i hate this #psychonauts #psychonauts 2 #my art #guess what i'm actually going to attempt to tag everyone. because i hate myself #razputin aquato #lili zanotto #milla vodello #sasha nein #gisu nariman #<- my understanding is that that's what the art book confirmed? but since most people haven't heard yet i'll also tag #gisu nerumen #lizzie natividad #adam joseph gette #norma natividad #morris martinez #sam boole #frazie aquato #dogen boole

[iraprince]

Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow

hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.

like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.

anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better

#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages. #or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it. #i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') - #- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action. #also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally) #u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not-- #--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control #as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of' #'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important' #bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem #but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine #i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and- #inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR #i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be #-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that #ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind

[stuckinapril]

i think i officially set my sights on a therapist and i'll be contacting her very soon?? therapy was legitimately not on my 2024 bingo card (or in the cards for me at all) but here we are????

#this blog always had a focus on social science and detangling feelings and experiences. like it's basically been serving as my diary #bc this blog has always been my main outlet for it. i hate talking feelings to anyone irl. it's a bad habit but i hate it #so it was a game changer and helped me grow up sooo much. esp supplemented w other people's experiences. #being raised by a stoic engineer mother who's very much warm but also not very good at feelings at times has caused me to suppress SO much #compounded w being the eldest daughter. like that is a damning sentence in and of itself #tumblr just gave me an outlet for stuff like this. and every social media is essentially a highlight reel of ppl's best moments. #tumblr is the opposite. i've always loved that too whether it was in the form of humor or more earnest posts #could i work through my own issues by myself? yes probably #and my blog will always have that facet even if i get a therapist #but a therapist's input. just a professional's input. will expedite a lot of improvement for me i think #this has been a critical time period for me anyway bc i'm budgeting my whole schedule for once vs being handheld by uni deadlines #and it's just gonna keep getting more and more intense from here bc i'm truly pushing my comfort zone more than ever before #it just feels like the right call even tho i'm lowkey nervous ab it bc i HATE talking feelings in person. #this therapist will not fall for my trying to deflect by asking her about her life. which. usually works on my friends <3 #we will see. a therapy arc is coming very soon basically #p

[betasuppe]

It didn't take much for me to be absolutely stupid in love with you♡~

#flint & rinn #giant scary bad guy?? falling in love with the silly tiny good guy? #def a fave of mine #ill TAKE IT #but rinn def needs to bend over a LOT to smooch flint #so he usually just picks flint up instead & saves them both the trouble lol #& i actually dont hate how this turned out #cutiepatootieeees #they have a whole battle to the death ahead with fighting against an all powerful magical evil emporer #well let them hav this dance uwu♡ #nok draws #nok digital #hopefully gonna feel a bit more like myself tomorrow #i hopeeeeee #but seriously #this evil guy saw the smallest & most innocent looking being onboard come up to HIM the scariest person in creation to ask on date??? #besutiful shit right there honestlyyyy #tall scary dude with lots of hair & issues #i live you so much sobsobsobbbb #twizzler & front♡

[why-the-heck-not]

the pure embarrassment of sending a ”oops I fucked up & will send this assignment a couple days too late sorry abt that”-email :’) noooooo

#I guess it’s better than to just send it late with no warning #I hope I gave myself enough time bc istg if I’m gonna have to send ANOTHER one of these I’m just going to change my name & move I think #this is a personal reminder to myself that sometime procrastination has consequences even tho im good at getting away with it usually #istg my thesis advisor hates me at this point I’ve returned basically everything a bit late #idk what has happened to my time management skills like why do they suck so bad rn #very much in a ’’just gotta get through this week’’ mindet and it’s only monday #march 2024 #2024

[meownotgood]

writing would be so joyous without the plague of the Compare Self to Others debuff

#I think about how much better others are at writing than me and I take passive tick damage #I'm usually good at just writing without caring much #I enjoyed it in the first place because I could express myself freely #but every so often I get those nagging things in my brain #that tell me I'm not good or popular or talented enough #I hate it lol #I think it happens to everyone creative though #it's difficult not to feel inferior to others #creating can often feel like climbing a big pyramid #like there's people at the top and you're all the way down #but really. it's a landscape #with everyone on their own plot of land #you can improve by working hard #but you will always have something different to offer compared to everyone #and you will always grow differently #so it's useless to compare #sorry for my gibberish my brain is running on low connection

[bbreaddog]

.

#personal #certainly one of the strangest birthdays I’ve had #nothing happened #but like /nothing/ happened y’know? #it’s nice receiving bday wishes from ppl who know my bday #I hate getting them from ppl who take up less than 30% of my headspace usually #like it feels impersonal and like it’s out of obligation #there’s a school meeting tomorrow #none of my coworkers or my boss have said anything about my bday today which is good #and I hope to god no one finds out tomorrow #also a bit strange Not receiving bday wishes from friends I talk to daily #I’m not exactly one to advertise my bday #I actually met up with a friend a couple days ago and they asked me what’s been happening in my life #bc even tho we talk every day #they don’t know anything about me #which was pretty bizarre to find out #bc I thought I updated them on like #everything #do I really not talk about myself ever? #my best friend also has been asking me the same ‘what’s happening with you’ type thing every time we’ve met up #and like #I update our high school friend gc #but only one other person actually checks the chat so… #I never know how to answer when I’m asked what’s been happening recently #what’s worth bringing up? #what have I already said? or what haven’t I said rather #idk #it’s strange #I’m feeling a mix of complicated things atm #will expand later on

[kaidanalenkosprmanager]

THE BEST OF PRIORITY: TUCHANKA (PART 1)

Featuring: Cmdr. Sophie Shepard, Urdnot Wrex, and Urdnot Bakara With: Dr. Mordin Solus, Primarch Adrien Victus, Dalatrass Linron, Urdnot Wreav, and Comm. Specialist Samantha Traynor This will be the defining moment of Krogan history... Mass Effect 3: Legendary Edition (2021)

#mira makes gifs ✨ #sophie shepard #urdnot wrex #mordin solus #mass effect #mass effect 3 #me3 #mass effect legendary edition #dailygaming #tuchanka is here baby!! she’s another two parter bc she was a chonky one for good cutscenes #i was gonna enjoy some ME3 last night bc i have to redo the coup for reasons™️ but scottina released reegar returns #AND THATS MY FAVORITE QUARIAN ON THE CITADEL (plus everything scott makes is stonks!!) #so we restored the ME3 install and divvied up the tuchanka footage into gifs instead while textures reinstalled lmao #but onto the gifset commentary as per my usual tag ranting: i adore tuchanka!! it’s one of my favorites for priority missions!! #wrex and bakara have some absolutely FLAME dialogue throughout the mission (especially bakara’s speech) #i usually pick a quote i like from the mission to subquote the post with and i wanted to use bakara’s but i decided it made a better gif! #also wrex head butting wreav is hot as fuck thanks for that one wrex you kinda ate on that #the first set is kinda boring compared to the second set but i love that the dalatrass comes in #and tries to make a shady little underhanded deal with shep!!! like that’s one of the more interesting ME3 plot points imo #i myself would never side with her bc i love wrex too much and disagree with genophage politics too much #but for her to come in with a shady little deal and be like ‘you should sabotage the cure and we’ll help you instead’? #i gotta respect her shady motives even if i hate her tbh lol #i will say i wish companions had a bit more dialogue in the cutscenes in the front end (and the back end too) #priority tuchanka feels a little? light? on the commentary from EDI and james #they both deserved so much more dialogue during the mission bc this is SUCH A BIG ONE??? this is such a huge deal??? #i wish they had more to say here!!! bc i feel like they would both have so many thoughts on everything going on!!! ESPECIALLY kalros?? #and wreav?? the city of the ancients?? like there's so many concepts that get the BAREST of touches and i wish they were touched on more!! #bc the city of the ancients is the best part of the mission imo.. like it's gorgeous and i wish we saw just a touch more of it!! #like c'mon i KNOW the companions would have SOOOO much to say in the bigger conversations!!!

[strangerhands]

mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.

#it was so good tho #like so cool i was internally freaking out about how cool things looked #the fight scenes🤌 #the environments/settings🤌 #all of the fuckin machinery🤌 #the acting🤌 #the everything🤌 #yum #also i dont find austin butler attractive but funnily enough feyd was the only time ive found him hot😭 yes i have issues. but like. okayyy.. #i watched it alone and i wish doing things alone wasnt seen as such a weird or sad thing like. theres nothing wrong with it #sorta vent-> #but basically ive been feeling like an annoying piece of shit so ive been staying off of here for the most part #because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝😝 #just tee bee ehch #and idk i was just feeling like ass and was doing nothing and when i finally would go to use tumblr i was already too tired to do shit #so i just went to sleep #and i was busy today #yesterday* #and ill probably be a bit busy today too but idk maybe hopefully ill catch up a bit #idk ya boys just been hating himself like usual but not as usual bc it was worse but it is what it is #i felt a bit better yesterday though #and also my new antidepressants ive been on havent been doing shit for me so im going back to a previous one i used to be on so yea #hopefully that helps soonish idk #i never vent on here so i feel kinda bad for doing so but i just wanted to puke my thoughts here #also since im already here complaining ive just like. not written at allllllll basically like i got into my head and made myself discouraged #so. that sucks. but also nothing out of the ordinary there #why does Everything i say sound so embarrassingly depressing and pathetic hhhhhhhgggggggggggggghhhghghg #anyways yea i was doing bad im still not doing good but hopefully will be a bit better so ill be back and caught up later today or tomorrow #idk if anyone gave a fuck or noticed but i just like complaining into the void so yea #talkin shit

[wild-at-mind]

Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.

#i love her but none of it makes any sense to me #i think i really just wanted her to see that this kind of rhetoric is no good if you're fundamentally unable to see yourself as having valu #to a community- which is where i'm still at sometimes unfortunately. #i would say that i may not be the only one since mental illness + self esteem issues + being lgbtq are not exactly unlinked #but i have basically never found anyone else who has my particular hangups...maybe online once ages ago #so in my own mind i'm the most assimilist lgbtq who ever existed- not even worthy to call myself queer #and it's nice that she thinks i am not like that and in fact am 'one of the good ones' #who is not assimilist- look i know that 'one of the good ones' usually means the opposite ok i know! it's just an impression i get #she's like telling me obviously i'm all good because i look like i do but all i can hear is #that if i didn't look like this then i'm an assimilist #i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry) #and then go home and that's when i cry because i saw a trans guy's 'this many years on t' post and i felt like shit because #i haven't done anything about transitioning in ages and i'm not even out at work :'( #like i know i'm an assimilist because my main reason for not coming out at work is not wanting to do the beaurocracy #of changing my name on my email and every fucking log in i have on everything- telling every single person i interact with #i just can't it's too much and my line manager is worse than useless #but i have 'my job is computer and doing emails all day' privilege so i don't like to talk to people about it

[that-house]

Self esteem win! Took a selfie that did good things for my mental health for once

#usually my policy when i look in the mirror and am like ‘damn im hot’ is to never photograph it #because i tend to hate photos of myself and it’s a good way to make my mood do a 180 #NOT THIS TIME THO WE WIN THESE #i look a little deranged and it’s great

[derpinette]

i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of

#also i used to get beaten to finish my food nearly daily & it would take me forever to do that like literally hours with no exaggeration #just made me hate eating even more. now my technique is eating as fast as possible before i even realize how overwhelming #the sensory experience is & i can just be done with it VS the pain&dread of eating slowly -> disgust of Everything+hyperawareness #eating tightens my muscles like i hate it so fucking much catching the food putting it in my mouth CHEWING swallowing #what a damn chore #so i always liked cheese it was my “safe food” pretty much the only thing i liked #i even hated the foods autists usually like like fries & fried chicken meatballs ETC. HATED. #i was/am more of a soup & turning all my food into varieties of Slop kind of girl nothing hard for me please... #i experienced middle school during the like ♯Thick era of the world which was honestly a good thing like for The Populace #but i felt like killing myself because i felt like an unforgivable fugly genetic failure & people did not hesitate to let me know #anyway either way i would be unhappy caus if i did gain weight during puberty i would have a meltdown about all the Changes #so i feel content for the time being about only losing the fat in my face & getting age appropriate wrinkles really #trying to enjoy the privilege of thinness while i have it because it will not last forever 0_0 but that should not matter anyway... #the privilege of thinness: being way uglier than others & constantly looking like a gibbon dying of disease + no energy or strength ever #JK people are much MUCH nicer to thin people & they do things for me on account of looking physically incapable so um yay i guess #light at the end of the tunnel that is very significant in the grand scheme of things socially. ♯CountingMyBlessings #also i was raised on ♯HAES tumblr from 2014-2018 i truly believed in that & was so damn envious i was not curvy & beautiful LOL #so i never hated overweight people really i think for the most part the SJW tumblr values stuck with me #but now i know it depends on your base frame & genetics & there is no guarantee to what you choose to do (naturally) acceptance is peace #sorry for the gigantic Arse post i just needed to get that off my chest for a long time. not on here specifically just in general #oh & i am a ♯Grignoteuse but grignoter (grazing) is different from eating in my mind&body #& my insecurity was not a result of wanting to fit in really but kind of in the sense that i wanted people to stop berating me for my looks #like body wise only & also not understanding why every other girl looked like a girl blossoming into a woman #& i looked like i was transitioning to Malnourished (unsexed) Ape made worse by bein GNC.& like the need for control later on & erthang ETC

[callixton]

oh i am on the Brink of a mental breakdown. and like a real one. i am going to feel so so fucking terrible and guilty if i don’t go to the first week of mac rehearsal bc i need to recover but i am also getting the sense that i Need to recover. i have never been this burnt out or genuinely terrified of starting a new semester in my life.

#we go back to campus a week early for mac. to be clear #and god they’ll be long days and they’ll be physically emotionally and mentally draining and i genuinely dont know if i can take that #but i am also going to be missing SO much time. and i won’t be there to support the people who i need to #i have also. been thinking a lot about how i’m scared that i think so much abt death bc i’m gonna be one of those people #who seem even more than everyone else like they have a finite time and then they die young #and then my mom compared me to jonathan larson tonight #so maybe that’s some sort of sign that i need to slow the fuck down #i am crying rn. for myself. which happens about three times a year #and yeah one is usually during winter break so we’re on schedule #i don’t know. idk!! i don’t know what to do here #and i still have to do my fucking scene prep for tomorrow #bc i was talking my mom about it and i really needed support which she was giving and then she has to leave for five seconds #and when she came back the entire conversation was just about her own problems again which we’ve already talked about every fucking night bc #- you can’t leave conversations with her and i hate when she fucking drunks i hate it i hate it #i am Not Well. i’ve sort of been avoiding admitting to myself just how badly #but man. i can push through anything until i drop but when i start wishing that i’ll drop so i have an excuse for a break….. not good #ted talks #the west wing