#I need to write a real diary

[sweetdreamspootypie]

Trying to take and enjoy the opportunity to achieve an adulting milestone goal of mine

But being confronted by the fact that doing so inherently involves my parents are participants and witnesses so regardless of how much or little I try or care, the only guarantee is criticism, with anything I'm proud of going entirely unnoticed and disregarded as unimportant

So

Hard to muster the motivation for the effort

When the internal voice is just "why bother, nobody gives a shit" (except me) (so why put myself in that position) (because the point of the goal is to move beyond the past limitations imposed by my parents) (growth is a really annoying process) (hey at least I know H's mum will say something nice)

#Ventpost #I am tired but still need to do things #If it's worth doing at all I don't wanna do it half-assed #Bc that will just prove my parents right #Don't want to give them reason #But it's hard looking around and know regardless of how much I do actually genuinely try #There is always going to be something for them to notice as my failure #So why try #Again #Because I want to #But #And thus the circle continues #My life #Using Tumblr as a diary #I need to write a real diary #I forget so much #I want to remember that we do things together

[hanzajesthanza]

when your friend is writing a fic or analysis it feels like this

#this is a real peak company scene the dynamics all are fermenting wonderfully #that cahir when dandelion yells at him gets up and takes his stuff closer to MILVA #that he just starts listing varieties of writing is so funny. a rhapsody? an epic? a romance? a canzone? #that geralt knows dandelion well enough to know what he's writing #that regis does a pogchamp face because he's so elated about the work #that milva is conspiracy theorist levels paranoid about the writing #also what i find endearing is that i think with regis' comment that half a century is a blink of an eye #is that he intended to. be there. and read the memoir when it was published #to him ig it's like your friend saying they're gonna finish their book in a year and you're like oh yeah cool #regis was marking his calendar to be there at the book signing #if dandelion had a book signing regis would wait in line and when he got to the front dandelion would be like?? #regis you dont need to wait in line we're friends i could just give you a signed copy #regis shrugs like he just wanted the experience of waiting in line. truly a michael goodplace type moment #the elbow-high diaries #f: a hansa's a hansa

[james-stark-the-writer]

feel like pure shit, just want her back

#james talks #riverdale #miss the whole crew really but Betty especially bc Lili was so magnificent #god as perfect as the finale was (and it really was one of the greatest finales ever) i wish we had gotten another season #they had as good a run as a show on that network could hope for but there are few shows on there that eclipsed the network like Riverdale #like the list includes like. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and Gossip Girl. and ig The Vampire Diaries. and that's it. #(that list is for shows almost exclusively produced by the CW. CXG DID have other producing companies but it was largely the CW). #no show will ever quite be like Riverdale ever again and no show will ever reach the heights it did. #especially not on their shoestring CW budget. #like honestly i just need more Riverdale in my life. #like RAS and the writing team found such a great way to turn their weaknesses into strengths. #as an article on the show once said [paraphrased]: it was a great show that was really good at pretending to be bad. #even now nobody gets the show like i do. #everyone thinks it's some silly little show about crazy shit with crazy plotlines and pretty lighting and aesthetics but no substance— #when in reality it's an incredible pulpy anti-fascist text questioning the role of authority using those aesthetics for a larger purpose #but i'll save the real analysis for whenever i get around to actually making the Riverdale video essay i need in my life #unless Quinton Reviews or SuperEyepatchWolf beat me to it first. they're the only people who i think will actually understand the show. #like SuperEyepatchWolf's video on the show is already pretty fun even if it's a little dismissive of the substance of the show— #(tbf to him it only covered up until the S05 mid-season finale and S06 hadn't released yet) #but like he at least feels like he gets the spirit of the show. especially with the wrestling comparison. #and i hope i don't need to explain why Quinton would get it. #anyway. i need the Riverdale crew back.

[sincerelyang3l]

You’re a footnote in my book, while I’m a chapter in yours.

#im tired #i need a friend #diary entry #journal #relatable #dear diary #i need to write #my diary #vent #digital diary #real #real life #quotes #quoteoftheday #life quote #book quotes #trauma #woah

[thetimelordbatgirl]

Okay no joke, I generally forgot the Ever After High doll diaries confirmed the next Blue Fairy was basically fucking dead and at the end of her diary, Farrah flies off to find Cedar, determined to help her in the late Blue Fairy's place.

#like remember how in the webisobes poofing may be a lie??? #yeah in the diary for farrah its now unsure #cause the next blue fairy fucking poofed basically #and at the end she remembers cedar and is determined to help her #as she knows without her fairy cedar will not become a real girl #like god i wish half the time that the websiobes and specials just acknowledged the diaires #because they were often really interesting #like holly writing a story for poppy when poppy feels out of place because of no story #and said story having poppy save holly from the tower??? #in farrahs farrah seeing the issue with ashlynn being in love with hunter not a prince and being afraid she'll disappear like blue fairy ki #but she ultimately finds a way around shit via turning hunter into the cinderella in a way with black glass boots #pointing out how the tale is about two people who arent meant to be together but do get together against all odds #cupid actually in her diary explaining her purpose for being at EAH aka grimm needing someone to help keep people in line #but choosing to instead help people find their true loves even if outside of destiny #let alone darling's explaining how she ended up in wonderland

[lesbianaglaya]

revoking people’s right to talk about the tolstoy marriage until they write and turn in to me a ten page essay on complex relationships

#‘tolstoy STOLE from sophia’s diary’ almost certainly not true. #at least not in the usual vein - sophia was (and should be credited as!) at the very least his editor and collaborator #with w&p at times i want to say co author but i also dont think we should diminish the importance of editing #they worked as a team! and in the later years when thier relationship was increasingly frought they were BOTH reading each others diaries. #the problem is there is genuinely an avenue to talk about how tolstoy drew from real life in less than ethical ways #tanya bhers/natasha rostova for instance. THE KREUTZER SONATA! FOR INSTANCE! #but diminishing it down to oh he stole from her is. a disservice to both of them. #sophia confessed her love by writing a story that blatantly copied real life and lev’s personal insecurities confessed in confidence #and honestly that isnt even BAD like there is a reason they were happily married for 25 years! they’re work is similar they were a team! #we dint need to flatten it out to sophia-wife-victim lev-husband-abuser. #nor do we need to ignore the many ways sophia suffered! #it’s just theyve been reduced to a famous literary disaster marriage when they really… werent that. #gabby.txt #genuinely tanya as the inspiration for natasha is far more upsetting to me than giving his diary to sophia before the wedding. #idk. idk! its like on one hand im so fully on sophia's side and im so happy that her diaries and writing are being translated #and. not even on the other hand these ideas arent in opposition to each other. reducing her marriage to a flat picture of suffering is. bad #actually i think in many ways the problem is solved by looking at sophia as an author instead of a wife. #which like. she was very much both. but if we afford her the agency afforded to an author i think the conversation immediately gains nuance #and that also comes with the caveat of female authors being far less respected - look at nadezhda khvoshchinskaya - but still #anyway GOOOOD morning

[groupwest]

gaaahh. home from work and my feet huurts

#pretending to be a real person is horrible. rly need a break from it all… urgh #gonna go write in my diary i think

[greetings-inferiors]

if i were to refer to you at any point, what would you prefer to be called? :)

Well most people default to ‘greetings’

Some people who think they’re better than me (they’re not) call me ‘inferiors’ (it is pretty funny lmao)

Green calls me ‘Randy’. Why?

Anyway those three are fine

If you want to come up with any other funny nickname feel free to, just start referring to me as something and see how long it takes me to realise you mean me

#name #names #nicknames #I’d never tell anyone that my real name is - #GODDAMNIT I need to stop using tags to write my diary #text post #ask answered #more people should ask me things #I’m a really reliable source

[crown-ov-horns]

I really thought the Millory Arranged Marriage Ch1 would be short and sweet. But, apparently, why not add a bunch of random scenes?.. Why not have Michael take Mallory to a satanist party?.. Why not have the actual wedding in Ch1?

I even wondered about including smut, but... No.

#ahs #ahs fandom #ahs fanfiction #millory #otp #diary pages #writing journal #that's why I set aside so many of my fanfiction wips for a long time #it takes too long and I get frustrated #i just need to... calm down not too many scenes alright now #and none of them screwing in the forest right after cathing someone spying on them like the day before #i wondered whether i should like make anton lavey's daughter a character #good thing i read up on her as she severed ties with the church #let's leave real people... out of fanfiction in general i always had this principle and I shall keep it #regarding the screwing michael wouldn't mind but mal doesn't strike me as an exhibitionist

[yappacadaver]

legit very sad that i didn't get to celebrate the holidays this year in any meaningful way, not with my friends, family, or even in art/fandom. i legit feel so exhausted that i'm not able to be fully human and it's kinda very killing me probably

#im still. waiting. for my insurance. #but also i know it's this job man. like i need a job but the only jobs i can do these days are the kind that destroy your body #im so in pain and exhausted at the end of the day that i can't even think abt job searching or making a real portfolio or anyhting like tha #anyways. just writing in my diary lol #im sad! i wanted to do a rayumi christmas

[callixton]

on the one hand as a freak of a guy who passed very well for normal and innocent for many years of my life i do enjoy giving those traits to characters by way of justifying making them kinky little degenerates. on the other hand i'm only 21 and as soon as i got into a space where it was more acceptable (read: started professionally studying theater) i sort of lost the knack of covering for it. so what i'm trying to say is the integrity of characterization is important to me but i've entirely lost my waypoint for what access/awareness to that sort of world someone can have before you claim it's bullshit and ooc yknow

#i'm not exceedingly open about it don't get me wrong but i have semi-publicly been punched in the face a few times so. well #i also inevitably write about people in jobs where it Really Fucking Matters that they be seen in mostly socially acceptable lights so. #my balance is off. i need to hang around some business majors for a while ig (i will absolutely not be doing this. they scare me) #it's also. well okay. this is not the only fandom i am referring to but the issue with writing kink for svu is if you're gonna do it the #- characters Have to treat it properly or it's ooc for other reasons. which is not what i usually write. #there r ways to do it but truthfully they take a lot of energy towards characterization that idk if svu fic deserves. at least by my hand #the 'it really matters' is the whole point of done battling the neon lights as well but also that is NOT a fic where realism matters much #is this post a real sentence btw. i can't tell. sorry if no! #minors dni #ted talks #this thing is literally just a diary to me at this point. and it's much more satisfying than keeping a private one

[dreamxmaker]

Just a vent about internet platforms being internet platforms.

“For real, do you like all the trash talk about you and ** people? You fucking love it bc you know it's true hahaaa!”

…

Do I like being continuously made to feel completely foreign? Do I like having everything I say repeated back to me in a caricatured voice amid facepalms and snickering when I'm trying to be serious? Do I like being told in 100 round-about ways a month ‘we hate you people, but you’re okay, I guess’? Do I like seeing people laugh at political unrest and subsequent suffering bc you see it as some kind of indirect victory? Do I like the constant mass vibe of people feeling like they need to ‘put me in my place’?

Obviously not, and I thought that was the point???

#cringe moment there ngl 🤪 #i mean wouldn't put me in my place if i liked it? hahahaaa #(( ;; ooc ;; )) #vent tw #sorry while i'm used to it unfunny tasteless shit has been pretty relentless this month #and more of it paired with this dumbass question this morning along with a load of other dickshit was a nudge too many #ANYWAY ily all I swear I just needed DIARY for a sec #I'm gonna do some writing and forget real humans exist for a while #& don't worry this is a one-off #vent posts will not become a regular thing here xx

[sensazioneultra]

you know every time i've been in a really dark place in the last 2 or 3 years the thing that's made the difference has been love. other people's love towards me and my own self love. first one is hard to recognize and accept but i've been slowly getting better at it (still lots of work to do tho!). the second one is... sigh. really hard to let myself have. a whole life, even if that's merely 26 years old, of self loathing is soooo difficult to reshape into a warm hug, you know? every few months i realize i haven't been treating myself well and i have to force myself to refocus on self love and kindness. it just doesn't come natural to me. my first instinct is always to blame, punish, hate myself. and i'm unfortunately, to this day, deeply convinced i deserve that instead of compassion, a helping hand and kindness. god. the way i'm so uncomfortable with kindness towards me. especially!!!!! coming from myself. i will always try to be kind to others, i firmly believe most people deserve it. but i am not one of them.

but like i'm trying and one day i'll succeed. one day i'll look at myself, or think of myself, and be like 'you're actually pretty cool and deserving of love, my guy'. i really want to. i think for now one step i wanna try taking is to shorten the time period between one Fuck I Need To Let Myself Be Loved and the next, and therefore the intense self loathing period. it's kinda hard to identify when it starts usually tho. not this time but that's bc it was pretty much forced by the arrival of intense physical pain which i do remember the start of. so it was different. and i was literally Just out of my previous Huge Self Loathing Time Period and just a generally really awful mental health time last year. but can't for the life of me pinpoint when that one started ?? i have such shitty memory and no emotional permanence which is actually sooooo bad for me. but i guess it's part of bpd. maybe ?

anyway i'm rambling but point is. i gotta try. and i also recognize that up until not that many years ago Nothing could get me out of intense self loathing and resulting punishing (and self harm, under many different forms and disguises). like it took so many years of therapy, countless tries at medication and just a whole lotta suffering to get to the point of even being able to snap out of it by myself (as in, i can recognize i need to stir my life and mindset in a different direction, but it's usually some external force that makes me go Oh. This Needs To Change. which is not bad btw i think. it's good to have other people who can help you realize patterns and things you need to change, be it voluntarily or not even consciously. the shift is just in my mind, no one is actively trying to cause it tho)

one day i hope to get to a point where i realize i need to refocus on treating myself well and it's for the last time. and from then on i will just be kind to myself and show compassion to my mind and body and heart. i mean it's okay if there's gonna be relapses even at that point. but i do hope to get to that point. when i won't have to do this every 5 months, over and over and over. bc i'm not gonna lie it's pretty exhausting! but we'll see. if i can never reach enough self love and peace of mind for that to happen, i guess i'll just have to live with that, you know? but i don't wanna exclude that it could happen. hope won't hurt. i think. there's little point in being like "i will never get better" even if i think/say it of just one aspect of my disorder. i might get better. so i'll keep trying.

already been struggling with feeling like my back pain will never get better, i had a huge breakdown over it today, and if i'm being honest it's been going on all week, it just exploded today. but to circle back to the beginning of this post, it was love that made me realize i shouldn't lose hope and i shouldn't keep punishing myself and ignoring my needs. i mean love in a broad sense btw. i mean people caring about me. i mean a simple how are you?, i mean a 'here's some chocolate for you' after i cried, i mean a pat on the back (even if ouch!), i mean... just selflessly showing interest in my well being. and gentle reminders that i need to take care or myself. that's love to me, and that's the form of love i need the most, at least right now.

so. yeah. don't know if any of this makes sense, but it's okay if it doesn't, i needed to write it for me.

but even so, if you've cared about me at any point in time, well... thank you, i appreciate it and know it has helped!

#i honestly shouldn't be using my phone rn my back/shoulder/arm hurt like a bitcy #bitch* but. i kinda really needed to write all of this down #again for me. it usually helps me to write stuff down (i should keep a diary again i always think it but i should for real) #now tho resting my poor body #ilyall 💙💙 #nico.txt #is this like super long i have no idea #hope it doesn't bother anyone's dashes

[amerasdreams]

The best crossover interests are when you follow me for one thing then begin to read and like my stories

#writing #is that. possible #i could post more #what do ppl follow me for anyway #r they tired of me #just not tired enough to press unfollow #it was fandom and writing blog but #as aleays becomes my diary #hmhmhm #idk #if you folloe me for my thoughts then... #is it bc watch trainwreck or genuinely care #or even like #i need to post better #how to be better #haha not real #um #bc i have nothing to offer duh #heheheh

[nerdie-faerie]

Me: okay maybe I should finally dig out my wall calendar as I'm having trouble keeping track of extended family's birthdays

Me, while redoing said calendar because it's messy: why are there so many birthdays in may and july? it's just considerate

#Demon Spawn #+Extra #theres too many fcking family members and i kept forgetting where id put and to check the diary my mum had filled out with extended family #birthdays but there are birthdays missing from that! she just completely decided against putting any of my dads family but put my aunts #fiancé down as my uncle which um excuse me hes not my uncle until marriage and the guy that was my uncle has also been snubbed cus of the #divorce! theres family politics going down in my diary. my cousin on my dads sides birthday isnt in there and my mum is always late with #birthdays so shell only tell me after its passed which is not helpful. my mum has also had another child since she filled out so she needed #to be added but her birthday is the same month but a couple of days before another siblings so it wouldnt have been chronologically correct #to just add her but my may box is very full. its very stressful to look at theres no need for that many people to be born in may and july #i have a real problem with remembering things that are written down but i cant see. like we had to have a homework journal for school and #i always forgot when i had homework..... because i would forget to check my journal.... my teachers would be like didnt you write it down? #and even when it was written down it didnt help i need to be unable to avoid seeing it it just needs to be out in the open always visible #anyway i was gonna finally put my photos up instead i wrote up my deadlines to put on my notice board and finally filled out ny organisers #which i unpacked in December buried on my shelf and then promptly forgot about because i didnt want to clean off the old whiteboard pen 🙃 #im so useless i want a new brain #at least its done now. better late than never and constantly suffering for it

[portokali]

there is. definitely a lot to be said about the merits of having the ability to turn off Shipper Brain Mode and enjoy a story without ever demanding a ship be canon or even shipping any of the characters. however there is something about a hint or a promise of romance in works that aren’t explicitly romantic that makes them somehow more tantalizing and interesting. anyway this post is about james and erin derrygirls where i had 0 expectations of their feelings ever being confirmed and simply entertained the idea of them as a what-if-james-likes-erin-lol on a completely different tab that was left open in my brain but when it Was confirmed in s3 and the way it was left unfulfilled but all the same promised absolutely has done numbers to my brain chemistry like the small and tender crushes of two kids living ordinary lives under extraordinary circumstances. something about that yeah.

#like sometimes i feel a lot of Shipping is all abt for the sake of shipping and so u can project a Whatever romantic ideal #which often has nothing to do w the characters presented on screen (or on page etc ykwim) and more abt fandom building a fanon around t #the ship and making it all abt coffeeshop college aus etc... like its more abt inside consumption and deformation of the original ship #to be sth it wasnt meant to in canon but what the fandom wants it to be. i dont rly like this kind of shipping #BUT when i see two blorbos and their love is real it touches my soul...... blease understand #like im SO HAPPY w how little screentime their romance actually takes up its EXACTLY as much as i needed in a story out of derry girls #any more wouldve been too much cause honestly theyre all just losers who dont pull and the story is abt friendship and coming of age anyway #but also..... the jerin story so so good and important to me fr. #no bad tracks. the way it happens so quietly and you can pick their feelings up by SQUINTING? impeccable #the way HE is whipped for HER (a must in a het relationship) but absolutely sees right through her bs and keeps it real always #the way james absolutely Knows and Sees erin for all of her and still oh god oh shit #disintegrating to my bare essentials im gone #cause erin diary girl erin erin the author erin the writer and james you should write that down derrygirl james my best friend james #the i can wait........ like literally so mature of them to realise theyre not mature enough yet but YET theres potential for sth #that they cant just fuck up w their teen bullshit!!!!!1GOSH. FABULOUS!!!!!! #AND the way everyone's parents mirrored the girls in the flashback episode and now erin and james seem to rather grow to be similar to #erin's parents aka a loving marriage and relationship that endured objectively A Lot and provided shelter n family not only to their kids #but also officially unofficially james too james who never knew his dad james whose ma kinda umm doesnt love him. lets be honest. #like theres n o reason for me to be losting my shit so mcuh over them except there IS. #except i am! #the fact that their ship name is jerin? erin with a j?? an absolute w for j community on top of everything #no bad tracks im telling you #the quiet tender kind of love that short of develops as a bytheway as an aside to the main story #as an of course id have a crush on you. of course it would happen. of course it's not going to be the main story #its not the end of it either its not even the beginning not really #you know im such a fool for you....... but now im feeling it even more......... etc #jerin #derry girls #derry girls spoilers