#I’ve listened to this song on loop and in my main playlist for weeks now. but it sent me right back into my car.
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Amoreena | chapter thirteen
Chapter Thirteen
main summary: Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.
Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.
Chapter Warnings: fluff like unbelievably fluffy!
word count: 6.1
here's the playlist for the fic, the last song in the playlist if looped will lead right into Amoreena at the beginning and it works pretty well timing-wise if you like to listen while you read !!
from the beginning <3
All their bags were packed by Friday morning, Y/N and Amoreena waking up extra early with excitement for the weekend ahead of them, and they didn’t even know what was going to happen yet.
Y/N made sure everything was packed and ready for a 3rd time on Saturday morning, right before they left on the trip; making sure they had sunscreen and aloe vera, all her medicine and ginger ale by the pack for her random bouts of morning sickness that lasted all, day, long... And their dresses and his suit hanging behind the driver's seat, beside Amoreena, they all piled into Y/N’s car and took off down the road on their adventure.
Amoreena was awake for the first half of the 9-hour trip, singing like crazy as they drove through Washington, Baltimore, Philadelphia and New York, it was so amazing she couldn’t stop cheering the whole time. It was more than she’s ever seen before, even though they lived so close to New York, she’s never been through it before.
Once they arrived in Rhode Island, Spencer pulled over at the closest gas station to make sure the girls were all prepared and ready for the big surprise he had for them. They filled the car, used the restroom and bought some lemonade before getting back into the car, he turned in the driver's seat to see Amoreena and Y/N better, looking at their wide eyes memorizing the calmness in their faces before he told them.
He didn’t want them to freak out too much, he was worried about Y/N’s blood pressure and how loud she might scream and any stress that a situation like this could put on her body. He’s seen how people react to Taylor Swift, he just didn’t know how they would.
“Now, I'm only telling you so you don't freak out," he repeated the same worry she had when she broke the news of the baby, "I didn’t have to rent a place on the water because my friend lives up here, so we’re going to stay in her guest house,” he explained it simply.
“Rossi's wife?” Y/N asked, confused about who it could be and if she knew this woman yet.
“No, actually I think you might know her, her name is Taylor?”
“No,” she shakes her head furiously, “no, nope, there's no way you did this, Spencer Walter Reid I am not kidding I’m going to pass away if I see her.” She's holding both her hands in fists as she tries to stay calm, closing her eyes quickly before letting out a deep sigh.
“Taylor who?” Amoreena yells, undoing her seatbelt and standing between their seats, she almost jumps into his lap as she leans over and grabs a fistful of his shirt, “Taylor WHO?”
“Go get in your seat and I’ll show you,” he teases, watching her follow orders and get back in the seat as quickly as possible, shouting at him to drive the second he hears the seatbelt click again.
Y/N is completely speechless for the next 20 minutes of the drive, eyes wide and a hand on her stomach as she stares out the front window. She’s like a statue, not able to hear anything Amoreena is saying but that doesn't stop her from going on and on with her stories.
“Mom!” She’s finally able to break her out of the haze, “pass me your phone!”
“Yeah,” she doesn’t even question it, handing her the phone back to the antsy 7-year-old so she could continue her internal panic.
They see her house on the hill as they approach, “holy shit,” Y/N whispers as Amoreena turns on the last great American dynasty, knowing exactly where they were going.
Taylor asked for his licence plate number and car model when they were emailing, letting her gate guy know to let Spencer right in so he could keep it a secret. But they knew the house, there was no point in not telling them. Y/N looked a little relieved that he gave her the time to freak out alone and not as soon as they crested the hill.
Her driveway felt never-ending as they got closer and closer, Amoreena was still in disbelief as she squealed in the back seat, hands flailing as she tried to calm the excitement inside her body with her favourite stim.
Then Taylor walked out into the front yard and Y/N was a mess. Crying as she waved her hand in front of her face, not wanting to be a mess in front of Taylor fucking Swift, “I told you nothing crazy! How did you do this?”
“Yes, but I said 'define crazy’ and you didn’t,” he reminds her with a cheeky smile.
She shoves him, “I didn’t think you could do this?!”
Once they’re parked the door automatically unlocked, and as much as spencer hated that non-safety feature, he's glad Amoreena can get out quickly before she's screaming bloody murder. Amoreena is out the door and in Taylor’s arms faster than they’ve ever seen her move, she should be a track star. It almost knocks Taylor to the ground as she takes her in, holding the sweet little girl against her chest with the biggest smile on her face. Amoreena snuggles right into her, with a hand on her cheek and her other arm wrapped behind her neck. She couldn't be any closer to her, it was like she was her favourite relative who she hasn't seen in a while.
Amoreena is talking her ear off already by the time Spencer’s helping Y/N out of the car and walking her to Taylor, she’s holding his hand like she’s going to pass out or something, “and this is my mom Y/N and my dad Spencer but somehow you know him already,” Amoreena introduces her.
“Hi, Y/N, it's a pleasure to meet you, Spencer's told me a lot about you.” Taylor’s sweet voice saying her name alone makes her stutter out a bunch of nonsense, not to mention the fact Spencer's been talking to Taylor fucking Swift about her.
Amoreena moves out of the way for Taylor to wrap her up in a hug, and Y/N cries harder than he’s ever seen on her shoulder, “thank you,” is all she can say, it’s frightening to Amoreena at first to see her mom cry like that but she knows her mom just loves Taylor like family.
What she doesn’t know is just how much Taylor saved her life. If she didn’t have someone to listen to, someone to take the pain and replace it with hope, she wouldn’t be here and by default neither would Amoreena. Spencer owed everything to Taylor swift at this point, she was a blessing in his life that he took for granted. Not realizing until that moment just how much she meant to him as well now.
“Sorry,” Y/N finally says as she pulls off her, “I’m pregnant, I can’t help it.”
Taylor’s hands fly right to her stomach, “holy crap, you never told me that she’s pregnant in your emails, oh my god!” She’s genuinely so happy for them, “how far along are you?”
“6 weeks on Sunday,” she smiles, feeling like herself again even though it’s incredibly strange to be telling Taylor before her parents even knew. “No one really knows, it’s all very new but when you know, you know… y’know?”
For a woman with an English language degree, she sure knew how to make a sentence, all of them laughing at the words she chose, but they understood.
“We should have used paper rings!” Amoreena yells, holding her hand over her eyes in disbelief as she shares her head with a sigh, she couldn’t believe she forgot that song existed.
It made Taylor laugh, scooping the little one up in her arms and starting the walk inside.
“Well come on in, I’ve got a big lunch spread ready for us and then we can go to the beach for the ceremony whenever you want this weekend, does that sound good?” Taylor is beyond excited to make new friends, much like Amoreena, they got along famously.
“Where are the cats? Do they live here or in LA or Nashville?” Amoreena changed the topic in the form of a yes and proving just how much she knew about Taylor.
“They’re here, Olivia and Benjamin will probably find us soon, Meredith isn’t very open to new friends now that she’s an old lady,” Taylor explained as she set Amoreena down in the entryway, bending down to be at her level and pointing off into the living room, “oh, see, there one is!”
Amoreena saw one of them laying on the floor under a sunny spot, running to it and petting it gently, “hi Benjamin, I loved you in the ME video,” she whispers as she pets him, making Taylor swoon.
“She’s amazing,” Taylor swooned, “I can’t wait to have one.”
“You should!” Y/N agreed, reaching to take Taylor's hand on impulse, and Taylor held it back with a smile, “oh that would be so wonderful, I can just imagine the beautiful stories you’ll create when you discover what it’s like to love someone how your mom loves you.”
Taylor’s smile was priceless, "that's the best way to think about it," she beamed at Y/N the way Spencer did, she had that effect on people. They followed her into the dining room, taking a seat near each other and digging into all the food Taylor made for them.
“Ah,” Amoreena said as she finally joined them, sitting on her knees on Taylors nice antique chairs. “Shark coochie,” she whispers the words to herself, not able to stop her mind from repeating it, but still not wanting Taylor to hear it in case it was inappropriate. She was incredibly well-mannered for someone who had a hard time reading social queues.
“It’s a hard word to say,” Taylor agreed, making her feel less awkward. Spencer may have told her about her autism in advance, wanting his little girl to be respected by everyone she met, for who she truly was, “my mom called it a coochie spread once, actually, she's going to be over tomorrow for father's day.”
"Yes! Oh, I love Andrea," Amoreena laughed at how cool this day was, smiling at Taylor the way she smiled at him that first morning at breakfast like she just found yet another person to love. “You’re so wonderful, Taylor.”
“Oh, thank you, you're pretty enchanting yourself,” she smiles, “I take it you’ve known about me for your whole life?”
“Yep,” she smiled, reaching for a chocolate-covered strawberry and taking a huge bite, covering her mouth before she continued, “I was born a month after Red came out, November thirteenth, it really is a lucky number now, mom says so at least.”
“It is!” Taylor agreed with a smile, “I have some markers, do you want to wear matching 13’s today?”
“Mom, can I colour on my hand?” She turns so fast Spencer thinks she’ll get whiplash.
“Yeah, go for it!” She agrees, spreading cream cheese on a croissant and layering tomatoes on top, definitely pregnant.
So Taylor gets a marker and both their left hands now have matching numbers. Amoreena asks to take a million photos, eventually just taking Y/N’s phone from her, permanently, to take photos of all her favourite things around the house.
She runs off with the cats at a certain point, giving Y/N a chance to thank Taylor without tiny ears listening in. “Can I get really emotional and tell you how much you mean to me or is that too weird for our first chat?”
“Not weird at all, knowing you’ve used my music to raise that beautiful child makes me love you just as much, I’d love to hear why you picked me, of all musicians, to show her how to love,” Taylor replies, as regal and kindly as humanly possible.
“My first fiancé, Stephen, he was actually like an angel and our first kiss was quite literally in the rain, but he passed away in 2010,” she explained it with a smile so Taylor knew it wasn’t a touchy subject anymore, “I bonded with Fearless in a way I can’t even describe to you, it’s my life, he was my superstar, and white horse, I mean come on, I can’t tell you how many times I cried to that after he died but it helped me not feel alone. I wouldn’t be who I am without Fearless, and then Speak Now was there for me when I needed a good cry, Last Kiss really broke me but it wasn’t until Lover came out that I realized I could find someone again, and it’s always just like you released things as I needed them like you were helping me through all the bad things,” she’s never even told Spencer all this, it was special to him that he got to give her this moment.
“When you re-released it with the vault songs, I met Spencer literally a month later. I cried my eyes out to you all over me, but That’s When makes me think of Spencer and now the whole album has a new memory in my heart that’s better. It's just like why you re-released it, to replace the bad things that happened that took all the happiness out of something you cared so much about." Y/N took a second to breathe, shaky as she got to the end of her rant that she seemed to have prepared in the 20 minutes before she had to talk to her.
"I love you, honestly. You’re my best friend and you didn’t even know me then, but you’ve held my hand through it all, so thank you,” she cried a little, holding her belly with one hand as she tried to hold the tears in.
Taylor was out of her chair and in Y/N’s arms within seconds, crying into her arms as she held her. She rubbed Y/N’s back as she cried too, “I’m so sorry that happened, but I’m glad I could be there.”
“Do you want to be this baby's godmother?” She asks on impulse without even asking Spencer if he’s okay with it, he was, it made him laugh.
“Eleonora Taylor Reid,” Spencer says from across the table, making them both turn to him with wide eyes.
“Yes,” Y/N agrees fast, “that's the name if it’s a girl, if it’s a boy he can be Taylor as well?”
“Holy shit,” Taylor smiled wide, “yes, I want to come to visit the farm and buy them baby gifts and throw you a baby shower! I inadvertently helped make them so it’s only fair.”
“Hopefully she gets your voice too, Y/N,” Spencer adds and Y/N shoots him a panicked glance, “it’s the Taylor legacy to be a good singer.”
“You can sing?” The question Y/N feared coming past Taylor's lovely vocal cords, almost on queue.
Y/N can't help but glare at spencer, he had too many tricks up his sleeve and she was at her limit.
“Yes,” Y/N finally answers, “I was going to go to theatre school, but I switched to become a Librarian, I’m not good with crowds or competition and that's basically what the industry depends on. I like the quiet, telling stories on paper is just as easy as singing it to a crowd.”
“That's fair,” Taylor agreed, “would you and Amoreena like to sing some song with me? I have my guitar or the piano? I’m not used to having new friends over without sharing at least 1 song with them. I’m sure you’ve seen my listening parties?” She was really trying to convince her to sing, Spencer knew why and what she had planned.
Amoreena came running in then, “I can play piano too, can we do the long live new year's day from the tour movie?” She rests her hands on Taylor's arm, looking up at her with the biggest puppy dog eyes.
“Of course, come on,” she says taking Amoreena’s hand and rushing into the piano room. “Here, we’ll record it too,” she offered, setting her phone up on the music stand to capture the moment forever.
They sat side by side on the bench, Amoreena showing her how she could play the opening perfectly and surprising Spencer. He knew they had a piano at home, he’s just never seen her play it before.
“She has perfect pitch,” Y/N bragged, “she can play a song after hearing it once.”
“Really?” Spencer had no idea, unbelievably proud of her as he listened to her play.
She’s quietly playing the intro to Long Live as Taylor watches, joining in with the harmony of New Year's Day, “this one reminds me of my mom and dad.”
“Does it?” Taylor coo’s, smiling at her softly as Y/N tries not to cry beside Spencer.
“They’re the knight and the princess of our kingdom,” she explained before the two of them started singing the words together, like they always have, only Taylor was beside her and not just on the TV.
“I said remember this moment, in the back of my mind, the time we stood with our shaking hands, the crowds in the stands went wild,” Amoreena’s tiny voice lead-in, fearlessly as she played away.
“We were the Kings and the Queens, and they read off our names, the night you danced like you knew our lives would never be the same... You held your head like a hero, on a history book page... It was the end of a decade, but the start of an age,” Spencer couldn’t help but cry as she sang with Taylor.
This was on the concert movie, he showed her after school, this song came on and she was silent, listening to the words as she stared at him and then back at the TV. Her mind was connecting little dots, making a story about her mom and dad being the king and the queen, it all made sense now.
“Long live the walls we crashed through, how the kingdom lights shined just for me and you, I was screaming long live, all the magic we made and bring on all the pretenders, I’m not afraid,
Long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life, fighting dragons with you, I was screaming long live, that look on your face, and bring on all the pretenders, one day, we will be remembered,”
Their fingers moved in sync on the keys as they harmonized almost perfectly, she wasn’t kidding about Amoreena having perfect pitch. She knew all the words and sang them almost louder than Taylor.
“And hold on to spinning around, confetti, falls to the ground. May these memories break our fall…”
The piano changes, the cords softer as they move into a new song, smiling at her mom and dad like she knew something. She had no idea what happened the night of the fake wedding, just that they had a party without her.
“And hold on… To spinning around… Confetti… Falls to the ground…”
Spencer wraps his arms around Y/N then, resting his chin on her shoulder as they sway to the tune, she’s barely whispering the words beside him as she smiles as her baby.
“There's glitter on the floor after the party, girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby, candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor, you and me from the night before, but… Don’t read the last page, but I stay when you're lost, and I'm scared and you're turning away. I want, your midnights, I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day,”
Y/N’s hands rest on top of Spencer’s, she squeezes them three times, right before the next lyric.
“You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi, I can tell that it's gonna be a long road. I’ll be there if you're the toast of the town, babe, or if you strike out and you're crawling home,
Don't read the last page, but I stay, when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we’re making mistakes. I want, your midnights, but I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day,”
“Hold on, to the memories, they will hold on to you,” the two of them chanting along with Taylor in beautiful harmony, Spencer felt like he was in heaven among the angels, but for real this time. “And I will hold on to you…”
The piano is so soft, it’s just Amoreena’s fingers hitting them as Taylor goes silent, letting her take the lead with a soft smile, “Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh, I, could recognize anywhere. Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh, I, could recognize anywhere.”
They stop for just a moment for Amoreena to smile up at Taylor, just like the break in the concert, “I really do love you,” she reminds them all before playing again.
“We love you, too, sweet girl,” Taylor replies for them using the same nickname for her because it was the truth. She was the sweetest girl, that Amoreena.
“There's glitter on the floor after the party, girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby, candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor. You and me forevermore, don't read the last page, but I stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we’re making mistakes and I want, your midnights, but I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day,”
“Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you,” the girls all chant together, swaying back and forth to the rhythm before taking different parts in the song like they’ve planned it before.
“And Long live,” Taylor takes the one song, while Amoreena takes the other.
Please don't ever become a stranger…
The walls we crashed through..
Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere…
I had the time of my life
Please don't ever become a stranger…
With you…
Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere…"
Amoreena plays the rest, smiling wide at the best day of her life. Meaning every single word she’s saying. “And Long live, the walls we crashed through. I had the time of my life… With you…” Amoreena ends with a few extra notes, making Taylor smile as she held her in a side hug.
She turns back to the piano then, starting to play Amoreena by Elton John. “No way..” Y/N gasps, before getting ready to sing along with all the confidence in the world, alongside Taylor Swift of all people.
“It’s just that; Lately, I've been thinking, how much I miss my lady, Amoreena's in the hayfield, brightening the daybreak,” Taylor changes some of the words, much to Y/N surprise.
“Livin’ like a lusty flower, runnin’ through the grass for hours, rollin’ through the hay, oooh, like a puppy child! And when it rains, the rain falls down… washing out the cattle town… and she's far away somewhere… in her eiderdown… And she dreams of crystal streams, of days gone by when we would lean… Laughing, fit to burst, upon each other…”
Y/N turns to Spencer then, singing to him softly as she wraps her arms around him and sways her hips to the song, pressing against him like they were in the movie Dirty Dancing, something she’s always wanted to do, clearly, with the smile on her face as she sings.
“I can see you sittin’, eatin’, apples in the evenin’. Fruit juice, flowing slowly, slowly, slowly down the bronze of your body. Livin’, like a lusty flower, runnin’ through the grass for hours, rollin’ through the hay, oooh, like a puppy child.”
Amoreena’s voice was the loudest in the chorus, this was her song after all. She belted it out like it was made for her.
“And when it rains, the rain falls down! Washing out the cattle town! And she's far away somewhere… in her eiderdown! And she dreams of crystal streams, of days gone by! When we would lean, laughing, fit to burst upon each other…”
Spencer knew the words as well, who didn’t? It was Elton John's best song. He hugged Y/N, snuggling into the crook of her neck as they twirled in Taylor Swift's living room, swaying with her, forgetting they weren’t alone for a moment.
“Oh, if only I could nestle, in the cradle of your cabin. My arm's around your shoulder, oh… The window wide and open, while the swallow and the sycamore, whoa! Are playing in the valley. Oh, I miss you, Amoreena, like the king bee misses honey!”
“And when it rains, the rain falls down! Washing out the cattle town! and she's far away somewhere… in her eiderdown! And she dreams of crystal streams, of days gone by when we would lean! Laughing, fit to burst upon each other, oooh!”
Amoreena and Taylor playing the iconic piano solo together, Y/N can’t help but move in closer to watch over her little girls shoulders.
“Lately, I've been thinking… How much I miss my lady… Amoreena's in a cornfield, brightening the daybreak. Livin’, like a lusty flower! Runnin; through the grass for hours! Rollin’ through the hay, woah! Like a puppy, like a puppy, child…” Y/N’s voice loud enough to be on the recording Taylor was making as the song ended.
Taylor stopped it then, just as Y/N swore, “holy shit, that was the coolest thing that’s ever happened in my whole life.”
“Mom,” Amoreena looked at her like she broke the law or something, “you don’t swear in front of her…” she mumbled.
Taylor laughed, wrapping her up in another hug, “have you heard champagne problems? It’s okay for big kids to swear here,” she teased her.
They laughed like they were family like they’ve been there before and were always meant to return. Something just clicked with them, and without a doubt, they’d be returning. Taylor Swift of all people slipped right into their little life, filling the shoes of big sister, best friend and coolest aunt in the world all in one day.
It was the most perfect afternoon.
—
Just before the sunset, they all changed into their wedding attire. Meeting out on the beach for their small, extremely intimate wedding ceremony with miss Taylor Swift. Getting it out of the way so they could have the whole weekend for whatever Taylor had planned for them. She said she had a few surprises up her sleeve still.
They filled out all the paperwork required on Taylor's kitchen table beforehand, she had all the right documents from when she registered to ordain online. All they had to do was submit it at town hall and they’d be legally married.
But it didn’t matter to them, this was enough.
Taylor and Amoreena stood side by side at a homemade arch on the beachfront that Taylor owned, waiting patiently for Spencer and Y/N to walk down the fake aisle, hand in hand. They couldn’t stop smiling as they saw Amoreena at the end, a big smile on her face as she bounced with excitement.
They reached the end, turning to each other, Amoreena took Y/N’s bouquet, it was her duty as maid of honour and best man.
“Spencer and I have been emailing for 2 weeks about today, he’s been filling me in little by little about you both as he got to know you, I’ve really gotten to see his love for you in the form of letters,” Taylor described with a large smile on her face.
Y/N looks at him with an open mouth, shocked as she shakes her head in disbelief at him. “You’re kidding, is she who emailed you when we had lunch 2 weeks ago?”
Spencer nodded with another cheeky smile, “she emailed me as you told me not to plan anything too crazy.”
Y/N just laughed at the insanity, “sorry Taylor, please continue.”
“It’s okay,” she laughed along, “it’s actually kind of interesting how Amoreena picked long live and New Year’s Day to sing because from what I’ve learned about you both, the intermission poem from that tour really was written for you, somehow. Almost like by design or some violent, exquisite happenstance…”
Y/n’s eyed do that thing they always do when she’s remembering something she’s heard before, finding the exact filing cabinet in her mind and opening it. She finds the words.
“When she fell, she fell apart. Cracked her bones on the pavement she once decorated as a child with sidewalk chalk,” she starts the poem with a small nod, letting Taylor continue the monologue in the form of vows.
“When’s she crashed, her clothes disintegrated. And blew away with the winds that took all of her fair-weather friends, family and lovers. When she looked around her skin was spattered with ink. Forming the words of a thousand voices, echoes she heard even in her sleep: whatever you say, it is not right. Whatever you do, it is not enough. Your kindness is fake. Your pain is manipulative.”
Y/N hasn’t watched the concert recently, unlike Spencer. She didn’t realize how much it sounded like them. Spencer, however, spotted the coincidences the second he heard it that night with Amoreena. Telling Taylor, explaining in detail how Maeve and Stephen were their personal last kiss storylines, but they’ve found a lover in each other. Cheesy, but it was the best way he could describe it.
“When she lay there on the ground she dreamed of time machines and revenge. And a love that was really something. Not just the idea of something.”
She turned her attention to Spencer, replacing the pronouns to fit him for the next part, Y/N looked at him already knowing why, smiling as she made the connection in her mind.
“When he finally rose, he rose slowly. Avoiding old haunts and sidestepping shiny pennies. Wary of phone calls and promises, charmers, dandies and get-love-quick-schemes.
When he stood, he stood with a desolate knowingness, waded out into the dark wild oceans up to his neck. Bathed in his brokenness. Said a prayer of gratitude, for each chink in the armour he never knew he needed.
Standing broad-shouldered next to him, was a love that was really something. Not just the idea of something.
When they turned to go home, they heard echoes of new words: may your heart remain breakable but never by the same hand twice. And even louder: without your past, you could never have arrived so wondrously and brutally, by design or some violent, exquisite happenstance… here.”
“What she said,” Y/N says with a quick giggle, leaning in as she laughs, taking him down in a giggle fit with her.
Amoreena’s lightly tugging on Taylor’s dress then, “you have to say it, please you can’t not say it, I had this planned out before I even knew you’d beee here…” she whispers like Taylor has any clue what she’s talking about.
Y/N just starts to shake her head with a smile, “I think she means the speak now bridge,” she reminds her.
“Ahh,” she smiles, picking Amoreena up to be at eye level with them all, she sings. “I hear the preacher say speak now or forever hold, your, pee-E-eeace,” she sings it exactly like it is on the album, almost as if she’s been practicing to release it again…
“There’s the silence there’s my last chance, I stand up with shaking hands all eyes, on me,” Amoreena lightly signs right back. “Horrified looks from everyone in the room but I’m only looking at you!”
Spencer laughs then too, smiling at his little girl living out the fantasy of a lifetime, seeing her mom dressed like a princess and marrying the broken knight with rusty armour, while Taylor Swift of all people holds her. Nothing about the life they had together felt real, but he wouldn’t change it for the world.
“I think it’s only fair if I get a say in who marries my mom because I’ve known her the longest,” she adds, “and I’m not the kind of girl who should be rudely barging in on this white veil occasion, but you happen to be the best dad in the whole world, so I think it’s cool that you love my mom.”
Y/N lets out a choked sob, she clearly had no idea that Amoreena was planning to say all that, but of course, she was. She knew all about every single Disney princess wedding, every fairytale ending and happily ever after, Taylor has helped her learn about love and vows and true feelings that cannot be stopped.
She knew what to say and she meant every word.
Spencer reaches out to take Amoreena from Taylor, holding her in his arms instead as Y/N snuggled in close to them, both his girls in his arms.
“I think it’s only fair I give some vows to you as well, I’m committing my whole life to this family, you should know how much that means I love you, too, Amoreena.” She snuggles in closer to his neck as she holds him back, Y/N’s head resting on his other shoulder.
“Till the day I die, I am going to be here for you: with unconditional love, with the best stories and the best morning cuddles. I don’t care if you pull me out of bed at 5 in the morning to feed the goats, or the chickens or just because you think the sun looks pretty and want me to see it too. I love you Amoreena, you’ve completed my life."
"Do you remember that day you asked me to be your dad?” his voice is so soft as he bumps her cheek with his nose.
She wipes her tears as she pulls away from his shoulder, overly emotional at the events of the day and extremely tired from the excitement she let out earlier. She nods softly, “I meant it.”
“I know honey,” he can’t help but start to cry a little as well, dropping his manly facade and being real with her. She deserved to see exactly what she meant to him, “I watched you pouring glitter glue all over that table, making the biggest mess ever, but it made me think… I had a hole in my heart for so many years, there was a part of me missing for so, so, so long, and then I found a little Eden by beautiful little kingdom, and the fairest lady in all the land took me in, and she patched up my broken heart with glitter glue.”
Amoreena tried to smile the tears away, sniffling as she tried to nod, “that's how I felt when you told me I could pick you to be my dad.”
Y/N was a sobbing mess, having to crouch down to her knees as she let it all out, steadying herself by holding onto Spencer’s leg like a child would at that height, “is she okay?” Amoreena worried.
“Your mom loves us so much, and the baby does too, so it’s making her a bit more emotional than normal,” he explains, wishing he could scoop Y/N up and hold her as well.
She wipes the tears from her face as she calms herself down and stands back up with help from Taylor, “thank you,” she manages to whisper to her with a smile.
She’s also been crying, watching the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. A family built on true love coming together, using her songs to form a bond that she’d never understand.
And she didn’t want to, some stories were best kept in families, to be sent down the line, generation after generation, to fall into the lap of someone like her one day and create a whole world with it.
“With the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband, wife and daughter, the royal Reid family,” Taylor’s voice is soft as she plays along with Amoreena’s fantasy land, hushed to match the moment as Spencer leaned in to kiss Y/N.
Amoreena doesn’t cry out in disgust this time, instead, resting her head on her dad's shoulder as she watched them peck each other's lips gently. Watching a fairytale happy ending unfold in front of her very eyes, blessed to be the result of this happy union.
...
A/N: my anon is on now if anyone wants to come talk about the fic with me!! i love to share little hc's and things with you over here
(also this was the original planned ending I wasn't going to continue past here but I'm probably going to write this for the next 10 years its too fun not to)
tag list: @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria @spookyspence @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @samuel-de-champagne-problems @jswessie187
#spencer reid#spencer reid smut#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid x you#spencer reid self insert#spencer reid request#criminal minds smut#criminal minds imagine#amoreena
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i had planned forever ago to make a full fan soundtrack for AW (fic) but then never finished it/lost in interest in trying to find songs, so i figured instead that i would just share the songs tht were as insp for me while writing AW instead!! bc hey, why not lol. im just listing these in order on my playlist BUT im also gonna give context as to why these songs were insp if/when possible which will have spoilers to AW but tbh im assuming if ur traversing this blog u’ve already read it gkjhg. songs listed under the cut!!
-kira
ok so this was being written when i was like. rlly into hadestown & i kept making connections between the story & the songs sOOOOO we’re gonna list all the hadestown songs first gkjfhg
Doubt Comes In (mostly for the scene prior to sam’s revival, where max is questioning if he’ll even get him back)
Epic II (sort of like a song to depict max’s feelings of isolation & anger toward sam growing distant from him over the years)
Wait For Me (BIG song for sam whenever max loses his brain......)
Hey, Little Songbird (this song reminds me of the scene where skunkape’s trying to convince max to side w/ him ok)
Chant (Reprise) (listened to this song w/ the mental image of everyone pulling together to make their final move (primarily whenever sam’s fighting skunkape/trying to stop the maimtron to save max) & also specifically imagined this w/ sam as orpheus, superego as eurydice & skunkape as hades so ✌)
Epic III (takes place aFTER sam gets revived & idk i associate this w/ sam confessing that he got scared of losing max & that he let it consume him to the point of it damaging their relationship & apologizing to max for kinda neglecting him)
Wait For Me (Reprise) (u know damn well this happens between sam & superego before sam goes to stop the maimtron from killing max)
ok now we’re done w/ hadestown here’s some other songs now lmaO
I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie (during the scene w/ sam & superego as sam’s fading away........idk im emo 😔)
I’d Give Anything - Tangled (sam song, specifically during the week or so when max is a monster & he misses him a lot)
Far Away - Tyga (I ASSOCIATE THis mostly with the part where sam finds out max had his brain removed, actually the pic for tht part is named after this song lmao)
I Bet My Life - Imagine Dragons (overall just a sam song, more leaning to right before he goes to skunkape’s ship to stop the maimtron)
Caraphernelia - Pierce The Veil (max song, post-breaking up w/ sam. it’s his angry break-up song basicall y gkJKHGKJGH)
Sleepwalking - Elliot Lee (also a max song, upset abt his rocky relationship w/ sam :( )
Better Than Me - Hinder (SAM SONG, lamenting abt the fact tht he realizes its mostly his fault tht him & max broke up & how he believes max deserves better than him. mostly during the week where max is mia bc Giant Monster)
Come Hang Out - AJR (this is mostly pre-AW but it kinda fits w/ sam progressively growing more distant bc he’s trying so hard to be careful)
Zombie - Damned Anthem (not really fitting for anything tbh but i DID listen to this song while writing skunkape attacking max & it WAS almost the trailer song as well so there’s that lol)
Sink or Swim - Castor Troy (i think is insp primarily bc of /scourgadow’s awesome s&m edits but i do remember listening to it on a loop while writing sam going through his ‘trial’ for the chthonic destroyer)
Main Theme - Pacific Rim (associate this a lot w/ the overall part when max is a monster)
Miracle - The Score (hhEY i’ve rbed this song on this blog before gkjfhgj. yeah this is a sam song, specifically during the week when max is a monster)
A Violent Encounter & Revived Power - Chris Baines (u already know damn well what this is for but i’ll say it anyway; whenever sammy’s scaling maxthulu. shadow of the elder god babey /j)
The Forgotten Children - Aranzazu Calleja (its the trailer sonnngggggg)
Army of One - Shelby Merry (i think i listened to this on a loop at some point, & also its a girl stinky song)
Saving Metroville - The Incredibles (put this bad boy on a loop while writing sam & stinky going up against skunkape bc it is, in my opinion, one of the hardest hitting final fight osts)
Happier - Marshmello ft. Bastille (sam song, specifically for the beginning chapter when he decides to break up w/ max bc all theyre doing is fighting....)
Trying to Save Stitch - Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch (this is during the part when max is transforming into a monster!!!!)
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behind the taylor swift gundam was in fact another, smaller gundam: a brief inquiry into the events of june 2020
so back in june this year june and i got together and we made this motherfucker of a story with this motherfucker of a thread to keep track of it all. but you already know that! and i’ve already got one foot and three elbows in my grave, so i’ll spare you the long-winded stuff. you wanna know how i wrote 93,035 words in 4 weeks? i’ll tell you how i wrote 93,035 words in 4 weeks-
-by linking you guys to copies of my planning documents because i feel like those words speak louder than any words i can offer in the present day. these are long documents. but they are also historical artifacts. very interesting. very weird. very, uh, full of cussing. so anyway, here’s
BIG DADDY: THE ORIGINAL PLANNING DOCUMENT
for those, like me, who have no motivation left in life to do anything and rely on summaries from others to acquire new knowledge, it all started with a single line.
prince of a fallen kingdom atsumu tries to kill hinata but falls in love with him instead
june, april something, 2020
with that in mind i tested the concept out with a few paragraphs of text, which you can find at the bottom of the Big Daddy document in the graveyard segment, accidentally sold my soul to the image of hinata with epaulettes, and then worked backwards, structuring an entire plot around two images:
a) hinata getting the shit beat out of him, with snark
b) hinata and atsumu dancing in an empty ballroom under the stars
if you want a betrayal, you have to have something worth losing. if you want to fall in love with someone you don’t know, you have to meet them. if you have to meet them, there has to be a reason for that meeting, and so somewhere in between atsumu became a sword instructor and hinata the prince with daddy issues. june and i used this method of glancing anxiously over your shoulder to see what you’d missed to fill out the blanks in the story, after which i tacked up a bunch of post-its, typed out the plot, consulted june, typed out the plot again, and then broke the characters down into a bunch of questions, like ‘what do they want?’ and ‘what do they have?’ and ‘what are they afraid of?’
with the plot more or less ironed out, i decided it was time to start writing, and then i decided that i was actually too scared to start writing after all, so instead i set a couple of timers using classroomtimers.com (15-20 minutes long) and i sat down and i wrote about the world that hinata and atsumu inhabited.
each warm-up was 300-500 words long, and for the first few days, i’d write one before getting into writing the story proper. later these evolved into simply picking a scene from the story and launching straight into it, which became useful for opening those scenes later when i got to them organically.
then i got lazy! so i stopped. but these shitty little exercises were really useful for me because, unfettered by plot, convention, or any kind of tradition hovering over my shoulder, i was able to fuck around loosely enough to realize what i wanted this story to be. it was a very contrived kind of trial-and-error, an exploration of the characters, the story, but most importantly, the tone.
RESEARCH, PLANNING, AND VICTORIAN BOUGIE FASHION
this is a loose map of the castle and Important Locations within it, which i drew up at the start so i could keep track of where everything was and how i could get my characters from point A to point B. i wanted the story to have Some kind of internal logic, you know, even if that logic amounted to ‘a compass would function normally in this world whereas kageyama tobio would not’.
99% of my planning and organizing within those five weeks took place in this lovely dotted cat journal which my sister gave me for my birthday and i repurposed into a metaphorical Diary of Suffering while working on juno. i used it for everything from keeping track of narrative threads to clothing consistency checks, but the main purpose was this: each day at about 10 pm i’d crack open the cat book to a fresh page, stamp the date and the day of suffering at the top, and then write down a list of things i wanted to write, address, or fix today. then i’d sit at my laptop and write like a madman until about 7 in the morning. with breaks, of course, for sitting in the bathroom and staring at the wall and sitting in the kitchen and staring at the wall, but mostly i was writing. and complaining about writing. you were there, you probably remember that.
anyway, here are some pages from the cat book.
aside from the fact that my handwriting is complete shit, you can see that i made zero effort for any of this to be presentable. it was mainly a way for me to keep track of my thoughts because i have the attention span of an ikea wardrobe and tend to forget things as soon as i think of them. the lack of structure also mirrored the way that i went about writing juno. while i did proceed, for the most part, in chronological order, i had a lot of weird and useless revelations during lunch, which by this point was happening around 2 am, and in the 5 minutes before the exhaustion finally hit and carried me down to hell. i changed A Lot. again, to understand exactly how much the story evolved from day one onwards, please consult the big daddy document.
in the meantime, here’s something else.
once june sent over hinata and atsumu’s character designs i sat down like the fucking fool i am and spent 2 hours poring over a document about victorian and other fashion movements of the past so i could assign a noun, adjective, and verb to each element of their outfits. i don’t know why i did this. i certainly could have not, but i attempted to make sense of their ‘fits from a logistical perspective and that went into the cat book too. everything went into the cat book. the cat book is a relic of the past now, stuffed with artifacts such as the birth of oikawa tooru, and also his demise.
MEDIUM DADDY: EDITING, PROOFREADING, AND CREEPY MURDER CATS
i finished writing on june 26th, 2020, approximately a month after i’d first started planning, somewhere around may 27th or 28th. at that point i had about 90,000 words’ worth of story and no sanity left whatsoever, so i took a day-long break to stare at a wall and listen to taylor swift’s enchanted on loop.
and then i made a new document, which you can look at using the link above, and i laid out everything i had to do. i’d discovered a fuck ton of plot inconsistencies and general errors while writing and lying awake in bed at 9 a.m., sleepless in seattle, and now that i was free of the demon egging me towards the first finish line, it was time to Deal with them. i speed-scrolled through the draft, which was 200+ pages compressed into one google doc, because i like to tempt god’s wrath, and fixed up all the plot issues over the course of a few days. this was the fun part.
the actual, hard editing was the extremely un-fun part. i reread the entire thing, paragraph by paragraph, line by damn line, from start to finish, paying especially close attention to awkward phrasing, incomplete dialogue, and moments which had fallen flat in my haste to get on to the next one. this was really fucking terrible. i spent more time lying facedown on the floor than actually editing anything, but after a long time (about a week), that, too was done.
SMALL DADDY: TITLES, SUMMARIES, AND GOOD FUCKING BYES
i spent a good eighty days thinking about the title, though hilariously enough we ended up with something that was a blend of our names. june + elmo = juno, which is, all things considered, pretty perfect, but the process of picking the title was Hell, and i Did Not Come Up With The Title until about 2 hours before posting. you can take a look at the haphazard clusterfuck of my title-selecting process in small daddy, which is linked above.
so the title was a last-minute choice. so was the summary. and the chapter divisions. and actually all the songs in the playlist for juno. the day we dropped juno onto planet earth like a newborn baby pitched out of the sky, i spent an hour hunched over my laptop, cutting my 213 page google doc into chapters based on nothing more than a Vibe. two days before that, i also attempted to voice-act the entirety of juno, an affair which ended at the 20,000 word mark with a sore throat and the kind of exhaustion one typically wants to sleep in a coffin for 23 years to get rid of. so in all honesty, i did very little editing, which is why there are definitely minor typos and/or mistakes hanging out somewhere on that chunky ao3 webpage. but whatever.
my attitude by july 5th (was it july 5th? or 4th? somewhere around there) was basically whatever. anything so i could get finish this damn thing, chuck it out of the window, and never see another google doc until the next century. i’ve been asked a few times how exactly i wrote at a rate of roughly 2000-3000 words per day for four weeks straight, and my answer has always been this: i died. what died, you ask? my soul. my spirit. my Will To Live. i’m a creature of fixations, and juno was my fixation for june. will i ever be able to do this again? would i recommend this experience to anyone? is god real? the answer to all of the above is probably no. juno was a fever dream, and so is my cat book. and so are all the lattes i had. and so was my 9 am to 4 pm sleep schedule.
but what we made is real. the research, oikawa tooru, the 4 am conversations in which i was like ‘how the fuck do i end this’ and june was like ‘jade proposal’ (the proposal was her idea. all rise for twitter user atsuhinas. she is the mastermind behind all of the Inch Resting moments in this story; i just flapped a korok leaf in her direction and made sure the air circulation was working properly) are real as fuck, and looking back, there’s a lot i’d change, but i’m lazy. and college is starting. and anyway, i did write 93,035 words in just under five weeks, four if you don’t count the week of Editing Hell, so i think that’s pretty cool.
thank you for reading this to the end, and for following us on our journey through the enigmatic taylor swift gundam fic which quite literally consumed my entire twitter account for the five weeks i spent working on it. retrospectively speaking i really was butt-obsessed so i am frankly incredibly impressed with everyone around me for putting up with a Husk of a Man for a month. thank you for doing that. thank you for indulging my vague tweeting, and our butterfly dns, and for reading 93 thousand words of gay fanfiction set in a high fantasy world with epaulettes and galettes. on behalf of june, once again, we are incredibly grateful for all your support.
if you have any questions about specific aspects of the writing process, or anything you’d like to know in general with reference to JUNO, feel free to drop me an ask through my tumblr inbox, or through my curiouscat over here. i’m aware i didn’t cover everything, but there’s frankly too much to put in a tumblr post without passing away somewhere around the 56% mark, so let me know what’s on your mind, and i’ll try to answer that to the best of my abilities. but anyway, before i go, here are some
TAKEAWAYS
one: don’t try to write 93,000 words in five weeks. seriously don’t fucking do it you will end up jittery and sleep-deprived and you will leave all your friends on read for a month. pace yourself. set realistic goals. you wrote 2k this week? that’s fantastic. you wrote 4k in a day? you absolute motherfucker. i hope you’re taking a long fucking break tomorrow. your story will not run away from you, but if you run too fast, you will get tired, and then you will pass away.
two: you don’t have to know everything about your story before you start writing. in fact if you have a single camera shot of two characters holding hands under a rose garden awning, i think that’s fucking wonderful. if you look at big daddy, you’ll realize that my initial plot draft, and all the ones following that, are not perfectly aligned with the final version of juno. i improvised over half of the scenes in this motherfucker, and to be completely honest, some of the improvised scenes were the best. fucking oikawa tooru was improvised out of nowhere. he only got written in way later, around chapter 8 or something, because i realized i needed a plot device and a source of information to keep the playing table from toppling over. i Sat Down one day and was like ‘okay, it’s time to write oikawa into the introduction. because he matters now. he didn’t matter last week but now he does, and soon he’s going to be the fulcrum of the entire story, because it’s like that with oikawa tooru’. it’s okay to change your mind halfway. it’s okay to go back and rewrite entire scenes or segments. it’s okay to highlight 4 pages of fresh, sentimental writing, and hit delete. writing is a fluid process, and you Will make discoveries as you progress through your story alongside your characters. be understanding of that iterative process. be kind to yourself.
three: You Are That Motherfucker. you, me, your dog, your dog’s friend, your dog’s enemy, all of us are that motherfucker. i never thought i’d be able to write anything longer than the great big map, which was a much simpler, linear story in which the other main character did not appear in the current timeline until like the eighth chapter. juno was different. juno was the motherfucker, and i was scared shitless of it, and to cope with that fear joked constantly while writing that it’d never see the light of day.
but it did. it was a rocky process, and i was awake for 48 hours after posting it because of the sheer adrenalin stuck in my skull, but i got through it. and i wouldn’t have been able to do it without june, who stepped in when i flopped over facedown on the floor and dragged me to my feet like the badass friend she is, and without everyone else in my life, who put up with me talking about The Thing that i couldn’t really talk about, but juno’s up there now. forever, or until the internet collapses and civilization goes extinct. and if the nineteen year old clown with the attention span of an ikea armchair and an a level certificate from hell wrote the 93,000 word long thing, so can you. i mean this completely unironically and with every ounce of genuine emotion i can summon from the cracked asshole of my heart.
writing is hard. writing is scary. writing is an investigation of the world around you and therefore, by extension, yourself, and that kind of honesty is freaky. it’s like going skinny-dipping next to the president’s mansion. who’s going to see you? what if they take a photo? what if you lose your spot at university?
but don’t think about that. our world is overrun with stories the way cereal bowls are full of cereal, but it’s those stories that keep us all sane in the disgusting day-to-day muck of reality, so think about your story. what’s haunting you today? what message do you want to leave printed in font size 666 comic sans across the southern hemisphere of the planet? what will you be tomorrow?
a writer. you’re going to be a motherfucking writer.
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My Five Key Songs of July 2021
How did we get here then.
Welcome to July’s five key songs of the month, well at least the five key songs in my eyes or should that be my ears. I was going to write then that I can’t quite believe that we’re here already but thats not strictly true. July has seemed like quite a full month, it seems like an age ago that one night in London England...okay, we won’t get into that. But if you did ask me if that event happened in July I would have said it didn’t. Its been a full month and I think I’ve got the songs lined up to reflect it.
Track number one: ‘Last Train Home’ by John Mayer
Look, its no secret that I don’t listen to a lot of what you may call ‘modern music’. Or perhaps a better way of phrasing that is that I don’t listen to a great deal of albums that are hot off the press. In part this is because I don’t have the social media platforms where records are announced and also during the recent lockdowns I haven’t been heading into record shops as much. All of this is to say that sometimes I accidentally stumble across a new album from an artist I like completely by surprise. And that, that is a pretty sweet feeling especially as it makes me think I’m in days gone by such as the 80s and I’ve walked into a store to see this new album thats just come out. And I’ve mentioned the eighties there because that seems to be where John Mayer’s new album ‘Sob Rock’has come from. Now, I will admit this is the first Mayer album that I’ve listened to in full, and that only happened really because one song that came out quite a while ago as a single is finally on a full album on this record but nevertheless this record is a lot of fun. Well, fun isn’t quite the right term as a lot of it does revolve around heartbreak but even with that in mind its an album that doesn’t take itself too seriously. The opening number, ‘Last Train Home’ is a song that must have been hidden in Doc Brown’s Delorean because it is a nostalgia (yeh, yeh I’m nostalgic for a time I wasn’t living in, sue me) fueled track that could slide into a number of John Hughes films seamlessly. And any album that has the audacity to be released with a fake vintage price tag on its cover that is actually printed on so you can’t peel it off is a hit with me.
Our second track of the month: ‘You Keep Me Hangin’ On’ by Vanilla Fudge (Quentin Tarantino Edit)
Right out of the gate I’m going to issue a disclaimer. I have no idea how the Quentin Tarantino edit from the ‘Once Upon a Time in Hollywood’ soundtrack differs from the regular version but lets gloss over that. Its the one I’ve been listening to so its getting the name check here, I’m sure Quentin would appreciate that. Over the last week or so I’ve been reading Mr Tarantino’s debut novel which is the novelization of ‘Once Upon a Time in Hollywood’ and whilst I’ve been reading it I’ve been listening to the soundtrack for the full effect. First off, I should say that to call it a novelization of the film I think is selling it a little short as it is a story onto itself and makes the near three hour long film look empty by comparison with the amount of detail and world building present here. Either way, reading the book is made all the better by listening to the soundtrack alongside it and Vanilla Fudge’s version of ‘You Keep Me Hangin’ On’ has been my standout hit of the soundtrack on these last listen throughs. And yes, its not as good as the Supremes version or come to mention it as good as the version from the first series of the show ‘Glee’ which is a real sucker punch, but this psychedelic take on the track is a hit and is helping to transport me to Los Angeles in 1969.
And our third entry is: ‘I Saw Her Again’ by The Mamas and The Papas
Following on from the album of the week pick for this week ‘I Saw Her Again’ has more than earned its place on this list. I’ve been listening to it practically on a loop all week and again, its taking me to California in the sixties. It would be pretty damn hard for me to pick one the Mamas and The Papas song above the others but at the moment ‘I Saw Her Again’ seems to be sitting at that top spot if only for that mistaken coming into the chorus, its a mistake and a perfect one at that. Oh, and the almost orchestral breakout mid way through doesn’t go amiss either. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if we saw this song appear again in one of these key tracks features.
Coming in as the fourth track of the month: ‘Snowdin’ by Lofi Lia
Quite honestly, all five songs for July could have been Lofi Lia tracks. Her music from the ‘Season One’ album has become integral to my day to day listening habits and is often sending me off to sleep through its gentle riffs on video game classics. For me, ‘Season One’ has joined the ranks of my hygge albums and ‘Snowdin’ at the moment would be the main cosy track and the one that when it comes on I breathe an even deeper sigh of relief. Like with ‘I Saw Her Again’, I have no doubt that we’ll see more Lofi Lia tracks throughout the year and at the rate its going she may even be one of the front runners to be my artist of the year. Big words, I know. And yet, ‘Snowdin’ is not the track of the month for July. Well, thats because it has to be, has to be, something else.
And the song of the month for July is: ‘Sweet Caroline’ by Neil Diamond.
It seems obvious now that it had to be this song. I mean, come on, it had to be this. Although saying that for the past week as I’ve been formulating my plans for the songs of the month feature ‘Sweet Caroline’ wasn’t in it. Not because I’ve gone off it but because honestly, it feels like the Euros and our new national anthem’s rise was months ago. But no, it was this past month apparently and whilst I have listened to Diamond’s classic over the past couple of weeks for a while it was the only song hitting my airwaves. And boy, what a time that was. In all honesty I’m not sure why the England fans started singing ‘Sweet Caroline’, I just know that after the Germany match when I was beside myself with joy (I’m sorry Germany, against any other team you know you’re my favourites, okay maybe not against Argentina but you know I adore you) and couldn’t believe what was going on, this song was being sung all around Wembley. It seemed to capture that moment perfectly and then went onto to capture the magic of the tournament more and more. And yes, I know it wasn’t sung after the final penalty but maybe, just maybe it will in Qatar in 2022. I sure hope it is. But if not, thats okay too. If this song is ours only for this one tournament then thats fine because as I’ve said before Euro 2020 will always hold a special place in my heart and ‘Sweet Caroline’ will forever be the soundtrack to those memories.
But I wouldn’t complain if it was also the soundtrack to a trophy lifting in 2022 either.
So, there we have it. Another month’s key songs being written down and put out into the world with ‘Sweet Caroline’ ofcourse taking the position as the song of the month and thereby securing its place on the end of the year playlist. Its going to be an interesting playlist for 2021 I think and I’m already looking forward to seeing what the August track of the month is and if my birthday (gasp) will have anything to do with it. But thats then and this is now. And now, with my mind firmly in the present, in the moment, definitely right now and nowhere else I’m going to think about that game against Ukraine. Thats now right, no? Then why does it play everytime I close my eyes.
-Jake, a man who is already preparing himself emotionally for the Women’s Euros next year in England, 31/07/2021
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TSSKSF (FEEI) update
Requisite disclaimers:
TSSKSF = The Super Secret Kitchen Sink Fic; it was my nickname for this thing when I didn’t have a title. The context being, my original concept for this fic was INSANE, there was so much shit going on. It was all that, and the kitchen sink. I’ve since pared down my original ambitions considerably—and subsequently came up with new ones—but I’m still looking at a 200k 250k word fic, at least. It’s plot dense.
FEEI = For Each Ecstatic Instant. The actual title! I finally thought of something that resonates with me! Yay!
No, this isn’t posted anywhere, yet. I don’t post WIPs if I can help it. This is just me chatting about my writing process and keeping you all in the loop :)
For those of you who are interested in following along, I’ve been creating a playlist for this story as I’ve written/speculated chapters (each chapter gets one song). You can listen to it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4BCGSg4HLWvcPhadFyhywK?si=y9_WwNXRT5GWHhy-c3wcRQ. It’s moody and broody, and I’m enjoying listening to it when I’m out and about, unrelated to this story :)
For those of you who’ve been following along, I said last week I was hoping to have chapters 43-44 done by sometime this week, so I can slide the already written chapter 45 into the narrative. Huzzah! Goal met! I’m currently sitting at 238,955 words, 45 chapters, 47 planned. I’ve now got chapters 35-45 out for comments with my various betas.
That being said, there are some significant pacing issues I’ve noticed with this story, and my to-do list for editing is ... very long. This is something I haven’t talked about much as I’ve been posting my notes on my process, but, guys? This story has a LOT going on in it, and writing it has been a huge learning experience for me, not just because there’s so much subject matter I’ve never tried to tackle before, but because I’ve never actually juggled this many plots before. I’ve never written something with this kind of scope. The result: it hasn’t ended up with a traditional narrative structure (rising action -> climax -> denouement).
If you don’t know what this is, think Castaway. The main problem is introduced. Tension surrounding that problem multiplies and has little problem babies with more tension, and this reproduction keeps happening until you’re like OMFG I CANNOT BEAR IT PLEASE FIX THE PROBLEMS BEFORE I BURRRRST. And then the problems are fixed in a big climactic scene that puts your heart in your throat and sends your stomach on spin cycle. Then ... BLESSED RESOLUTION. Yaaaaaaay. And everybody breathes a collective sigh of relief. The narrative may linger in the “relief” phase for a while as it closes out various plot threads, but the tension never increases again. It’s bottomed out. The journey is done. Holy shit, we need a drink.
FEEI, doesn’t really have this narrative structure right now. Everything, all 239k words, serves an important function toward arriving at the conclusion, but without the “ohhh, now I get it!” benefit of hindsight, there are some big pockets of stagnancy (tension-wise, I mean; there’s still a ton happening in the story). And I’m not sure if that matters—if this even really needs to be fixed. I mean, sometimes, tradition exists to be bucked, but ... I definitely need time to figure out if this is one of those times. I need to think and regroup.
It’s been nearly a year since I’ve written the first few chapters (I did a lot of spec writing in July 2019 that didn’t get recorded in my Scrivener project), and I really want to tighten things up, get comments from my betas on everything I’ve written up to now, have a good long think, and refresh myself on previous developments, before diving into writing the final thrust that finishes this. So, this is me, officially embarking on my editing phase. I’m not sure how long it will take. I will still keep updating here as I continue.
Hopefully this doesn’t frustrate/disappoint you guys too much. It’s something that needs to be done, whether I’ve written the final chapters or not. And getting it done now also means, when I do finally write the last few chapters, the gap between finishing and posting my story will be a lot smaller. I did something similar when I was writing Castaway.
Chapter List:
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you can tell a lot about someone by the type of music they listen to 🎵🎶
rules: hit shuffle on your media player and write down the first 20 songs, then tag 10 people. no skipping!
tysm to @clumsyclifford for tagging me! I still can’t actually believe it when I get tagged in things lol. PLEASE do not call me out for my very strange and noncohesive taste in music. also, my ability to ramble is unparalleled, so feel free to skip all the commentary bc I know I would.
Hometown by French 79: wow. I guess we’re starting off by exposing me and the techno/edm I listen to while studying/working. the lyrics in this song are practically non-existent, which is how I like my study music, but something about it is very soothing, while still being very fast-paced. I heard it/ some other songs on my study playlist described once as “orchestral electronic” and that seems very fitting. a good song, for sure, although I wouldn’t really say it plays a big role in my music taste.
False Confidence by Noah Kahan: the only noah kahan song that I had heard before actually getting into his music, and still one of my favorites. all of busyhead is honestly so good. I think I said this to bella once, but Noah Kahan has such a woodsy, cabin-in-Vermont vibe, and at the moment, I’m very into that.
High Highs to Low Lows by Lolo Zouaï: I really forgot this song existed. My cousin? second-cousin? (idk not much of my family is in the us, so whatever she is to me, we’re close) and I went to see Lolo Zouaï live on of our NYC trips. (Fun fact: this is the only concert I’ve ever been to!) I didn’t know anything about her until like a week before we went, so I listened to a bunch of her music for a week before and after seeing her, and then I forgot about it. It’s honestly pretty good, and her voice is very ethereal-sounding in parts, which is how I like to imagine mine sounds when I sing, so it’s fun trying to sing it.
Classic by MKTO: if I could pick a song to encompass the feeling of sixth grade, it would be this one. this really isn’t the type of music I’d usually choose to listen to, but I always let it play through when it comes on, for nostalgia purposes.
Castaway by 5SOS: YESSSSSS. Best song on SGFG, and no, I will not be taking any criticism. I adore Castaway with my entire heart, and even though I listen to it at least once a day on my morning run, I will never get sick of it.
Teeth by 5SOS: Speaking of getting sick of things... I mean, not really, but I also do not love this song anywhere near as much as I used to back in like March/April. This was one of the first songs by 5SOS that I listened to consistently, and probably THE one that convinced me to get more into their other music, so for that, it holds a special place in my heart, but I overplayed this wayyyy too much. Still good, but I’d prefer to not hear it for a while so I can get back to the place where I would scream-sing my heart out to this.
Mauja hi Mauja by Mika Singh: the first Bollywood song on the list! My parents actually introduced me to this one when I was like seven years old, and I’ve loved it ever since. It always puts a smile on my face, and it’s really fun to dance around my room to, which is always my main goal when listening to Bollywood.
Alejandro by Lady Gaga: Where did this even come from, and why do I still remember all the lyrics?
UNSTATUS QUO by Duckwrth: I originally listened to this bc I liked the title and as a pretentious debate nerd who used the phrase “status quo” at least four times a day, it felt like blasphemy not to. This is def my “cool kid in a movie walking down the street” song. It’s more... loud? cacophonous? than the music I usually listen to, but it really, really does make me feel cool. I think if I were to hear it more often than I do, I would probably stop liking it.
Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens: yeah, I don’t know about this one. I feel like I can only listen to this when I’m already sobbing, so I’m gonna skip it for now. I never actually watched CMBYN, so idk how I even found this song. ALSO fun fact, I found a ten hour loop of this song on youtube once, and listened to the whole thing in one sitting. as I’m sure you can guess, that was not a good day :)
Do I Wanna Know by Arctic Monkeys: bitches listen to one arctic monkeys song and think they’re indie, yeah, it’s me. I’m bitches.
Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex: wow, really proving my own point about only listening to very well-known indie music.
Greek God by Conan Gray: This song just FEELS aesthetic and I don’t quite understand that but I still like it.
Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood: it’s actually been a minute since I last heard this, but I still like it! I was def more attached to this song about two years ago, so I don’t have much to say about it anymore.
Summer is a Curse by The Faim: I actually heard this on a German tv show once and LOVED it. I really didn’t have any idea that Ashton was involved until a few months ago and I was like “wait, what??” it’s def a v good song, but I feel uncomfy endorsing/supporting it bc of the sexual misconduct allegations against one of the Faim’s members. Unfortunate, really, but that’s not something I can really get past.
Bang! by AJR: I’m surprised AJR hasn’t shown up sooner tbh. The “Metronome” line and “pretend you know this song everybody” are CONSTANTLY stuck in my head. If I could choose any concert to go to, it would be either AJR or 5SOS. They actually had a really cool socially-distant drive-in concert yesterday, but it was in Philly, which is a bit too far to drive the week before college starts.
Formidable by Stromae: <3 the song I was listening to when I made an ao3 account <3 I feel like I know too many people who had a Stromae phase. I don’t even understand French music all that well, but this is a bop.
Hasta el Amanecer by Nicky Jam: Damn, I just realized that there’s music in four languages on this list now. We stan multilingualism. This is one that I do actually understand most of the lyrics for, so we love that. It was fun listening to this again, bc I really haven’t heard it in at least a year.
Higher by The Score: The album that this is from came out on my birthday a few years ago! (just realized that there’s no recent music on this list, and if one thing describes my music taste accurately, it’s finding music a few years after it was released/popular). This is back from my soccer-playing days, and it was one of my pump-up songs for bus rides to away games. I think I might put this album back on regular rotation bc this is actually quite good!
No Control by One Direction: what even is there to say? I wasn’t really into 1D while they were actually active (rip me), and this is the song that made me give them a chance (chonce). perfect note to end on.
As for tagging others, I think I’ve avoided it enough times that I kind of have to now, so sorry in advance if 1. you’ve already done this/ been tagged and/ or 2. you have no idea who I am and are confused as to why I’m acting like I know you. I’ll just do the first ten people who pop up when I type the at symbol: @originalashstan @tothemoonmikey @5sos-fan-boy @calumcest @ashesonthefloor @kaleidoscopeminds @mashlums @poisonjaffas @tirednotflirting @fuckyeah5sostakemehome
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All of the Stars - Bucky Barnes x reader
A/N: Hey, it’s ya girl. I wrote this in 5 hours over a discord call with @captainscanadian. I love this so much, it’s definitely the one project I’m most proud of. So enjoy and I promise, I’m not a heartless monster!
Summary: Hey look, it’s a rewrite of Endgame.
Warnings: Angst, tears, death mentions, spoilers for Avengers: Endgame.
Words: 3,674
23 days post Thanos
You were in the kitchen, heavy bags under your eyes from the lack of sleep. Every night, you dreamed of Bucky. There was no escaping it, it was something you had to push through. In your dreams, it jumped from laying in bed and waking up remembering he was gone and dreaming that he was in turmoil somewhere with no one to help him. A cup of coffee sat in front of you, being the only thing that kept you awake. Behind you, Steve had arranged a plate of toast, bacon and eggs, trying to coax you into eating something. These days, mostly you laid in bed with your mp3 player, listening to the playlist you had made for Bucky, filled with songs that reminded him of his life before HYDRA and of you as well.
“C’mon, you gotta eat…Buck wouldn’t wanna see you like this.”
It was the argument they used to get you to get up and try to live nowadays. It wasn’t like they were trying to be hurtful or upset you. But in reality, it did. You didn’t want to think about what Bucky would say right now, or that he would be upset because the truth of the matter was that if he was here, you wouldn’t be like this. You wouldn’t be in an ocean of grief.
These days, you leaned on Thor as much as you could. Most people stayed away, but you and Thor spent every sleepless night on the roof, watching the stars and telling memories about the loved ones who had died. And while Thor blamed himself, you reminded him each time that it wasn’t his fault. That Thanos was the one who killed everyone and not the God of Thunder.
You accepted the plate from Steve and began to pick at the food in front of you, managing to choke down some toast. You were pushing the food around your plate when you saw the light of…something. You looked up at Steve and you both ran outside, seeing a glowing figure…was that a woman? She was holding a ship in her hands and you held your breath. A few moments later, Tony Stark stepped out with Nebula and you let go of the breath you’d been holding, seeing him alive. You hung back while he said something to Steve but had to go back inside when he embraced Pepper.
It stung, and a part of you, some hateful and angry part of you, wished he had died instead of Bucky. It wasn’t kind and it was horrible for you to think that you could be so mean, but it was true. You loved Tony, but you would give him up in a second to have James Barnes back in your arms again. You went and sat back at the counter, pushing the coffee and food away from you and staring into space. The fact was you couldn’t change what had already happened.
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You stood next to the new girl, a woman named Carol, as what was left of the Avengers discussed what had happened in the 23 days since that day. She chuckled slightly at Tony’s banter with Rocket but when Tony started getting upset, you stopped at stood up straighter. When he started yelling at Steve, you lost it and walked between them.
“You think you’re the only person who lost someone, Stark? We all lost someone! All of us! We could point the blame at any one of us. Hell, let’s look at you. If you hadn’t driven Bucky out of the states, if you hadn’t started a god damned war, I would have had time. I could have held him every night. But instead, I get memories of a year ago, when he was on the run. When you tried to kill him. Sure, there are some happy ones, but that is the main memory, Tony. We all are to blame.”
You didn’t stick around to hear his reaction. You went straight to your room and cried. You cried for Thor who lost his brother and his entire planet. You cried for Rocket, who lost his friends, the only family he ever had. You cried for every single person on the compound, including yourself. And it didn’t stop until late into the night, when your tears had run dry and you were too exhausted.
5 Years Later
You slammed your hand over the nightstand next to your bed, trying repeatedly to hit snooze but to no avail. Instead, you had to haul yourself up to do so, and by that time, you were already well awake. Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you began your morning routine. Bathroom, clothes, coffee, food, and then off to work. Ever since ‘the snap’ as people were calling it, you’d been working with Steve on his support group. It had helped you through the past 5 years, and even helped you now. You try to keep things light and go with the flow, but somedays, it’s as if all of this happened yesterday and you lay in bed, crying, wrapped up in his clothes and holding the letters he wrote you from Wakanda.
But today was a good day. So you went out the door and walked to the building where the meetings were held. You unlocked the door and set yourself to work. Brewing coffee was saved for last, but you liked to clean before everyone got there. You set up chairs and tried to at least make the room somewhat cheerful. You had put on the stereo to a soft rock station while you worked and then set up your laptop and started answering emails. A lot of grieving people simply emailed instead of coming to meetings, whether they couldn’t leave home or they just wanted to remain anonymous and you and Steve tried to answer as often as you could. It hurt that you couldn’t answer them all, but you liked knowing that you could help soothe some people’s pain. You heard the door open and looked up from your computer, giving a small smile to the blonde man who’d walked in.
“Hey Steve. Just finishing up some emails and then I was gonna head down to the store and get something for meeting tonight. Anything in particular you want?” Your head went back down to typing as Steve walked toward you and put a hand on your back.
“Whatever you pick is fine. How you holding up? Nat said she hasn’t spoken to you since last week after group.”
You knew they worried about her. You lost contact with a lot of people after the snap. Tony cut you off completely, although Pepper emailed you pictures of their daughter. You’d been to New Asgard to visit Thor once or twice, but he told you not to come back. Whether it was because you reminded him of his failure or just because he’d rather be depressed and alone, you didn’t know. But you made sure the Valkyrie kept you in the loop, making sure he was at least alive. Nat and Steve were your only friends now and while you loved them, they could be very overbearing at times.
“I’m doing okay. I uh, I’ve been redoing my apartment. New paint, new rug, all that stuff.” Your fingers moved across the keyboard, your eyes not even looking up from the screen. “I know you guys are scared I’m gonna breakdown but honestly, Rogers, I’m fine. I’m trying to move on.”
Steve looked down at you and gave a soft smile before patting you on the back and going to get chairs to set up. “Can you grab more water and maybe some MnM’s?” You chuckled and gave him a thumbs up before settling back in and finishing up emails.
About an hour later, you headed to the store, music blaring in your ears as you walked, until a song made you stop in your tracks. It was one of the songs that Bucky had heard and insisted on putting on your phone. You remembered the memory so clearly.
You had been laughing and swatting at Bucky, screeching as he pinned you underneath him and began assaulting you with kisses. Bucky had started opening up a bit more and ever since, you had the time of your life. He kissed you more and wasn’t afraid to hold you, it was amazing. Your laptop had been playing some youtube playlist of old music, trying to compile a playlist for Steve of songs he might like to listen to while on the way to different missions. All songs from the 60’s and later. When the song ‘It’s Been a Long, Long Time” by Harry, James and Helen Forrest came on, Bucky stopped and listened before standing and a ghost of a smile was on his face.
“What you thinkin’ about, Bucky?” You focused on his face before it turned to face you and he held out his hands.
“This reminds me of home. Back then, I mean. Sounds like some of the stuff we would have played back then.”
You stood up and took his hands in yours, placing one on your waist before putting your own on his shoulder and swaying gently. When a woman’s voice started to croon over the speaker, you hummed along, feeling Bucky rest his head against your own. And for a moment, you wished that you were in a snow globe. That this moment would never end and just go on forever.
You felt tears rolling down your face and quickly swiped them away. It was the one song that you refused to delete. But you always skipped it when it came on shuffle, simply for the fact it made you cry every single time. You leaned against a nearby wall and just listened, holding back every feeling until the 3 minutes concluded. You had to compose yourself. If anyone at group and especially Steve, saw your tears, they’d know that you’d been lying and that in truth, you hadn’t moved on.
After a brief time of just standing there, you took a deep breath and began again toward the store. You grabbed a case of water, enough MnM’s to feed a small army, or just one super soldier, and a medium sized platter of cookies. You paid and began your way back to the center, this time with no issues. A quick set up and a couple pots of coffee later, people started showing up. You hugged and greeted each person by name and allowed everyone some time to talk before you and Steve brought everyone to the circle and started the meeting.
“Anyone wanna start?” Steve asked, looking around. You waited about a minute before you began to speak.
“I uh…I went to the store and got water today, and our song came on.” You kept a practiced, even tone, not letting your emotion show through. “I think we all try to ignore those little signs that they’re gone…but you can’t. Because it means pretending they never existed…I think we just have to push on.”
Steve turned to you and reached over, taking your hand and squeezing. “You’re right. We gotta move on. The world is in our hands, it was left to us, guys. We gotta do something with it. Otherwise, Thanos should have killed all of us.”
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You and Steve walked into the compound, you threw your bag on the table and walked into where Nat was, sweeping past Steve and heading straight for Nat, wrapping her in a hug. “I heard you were trying to get ahold of me, even though I’m pretty sure I’m old enough to watch out for myself.” You teased, grabbing a piece of Natasha’s PB and J sandwich and taking a bite. The redhead smiled up at you and held your other hand, before you both turned to look at Steve.
“You know, I keep telling everybody that they should move on and grow. Some do, but not us.” You moved your eyes back to Nat and squeezed her hand. You sometimes forgot how much Natasha was hurting, since she rarely showed that part of her to anyone. But she had lost the only family she’d ever known. Laura, the kids, Clint…even though he wasn’t dead, he still wasn’t here and that part was hard on Nat.
“If I move on, who does this?”
“Maybe it doesn’t need to be done.” The look in both of your friend’s eyes were sad and as Nat began to speak, you felt your own eyes water up. You moved to stand behind her and lean down, wrapping your arms around her chest in an attempt to comfort her. Soon after she was finished, you heard a beep on the security camera and your jaw dropped.
“Scott?” The man was speaking about a mile a minute and you knew exactly who he was. You’d met him before the boys went to the airport, and instantly liked him. And as soon as Nat confirmed that he was actually there, you actually had some hope.
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The wave of guilt you felt as you got out of the car weighed on you. Sure, you and Tony had fought before but this time it wasn’t something trivial or unimportant. You had blamed him for Bucky dying and there wasn’t really a way to come back from that. Pepper had forgiven you, understanding your grief and letting you slide. But seeing Morgan and Tony, brought back just how selfish you had been and you hung your head in shame. Instead of talking shop with the boys, you headed inside and chatted with Pepper, even playing a little with Morgan before Pepper sent her out to save Tony from the others.
“Thanks Pepper…for letting us come here. I uh, I’m glad you and Tony got your happy ending.”
Pepper wrapped her arms around you and shook her head. “Stop blaming yourself. It’s been five years, y/n. You need to stop letting this get to you.”
You smiled and pressed a kiss to Pepper’s cheek as you saw them getting up to go. “I’m really happy for you Pepper.” As you walked toward the door, you waved goodbye to Morgan and looked up at Tony. “I’m happy for you too, Tony.” He turned and called your name but you just kept walking, following Steve to the car and climbing in the back beside Scott.
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As you made your way to New Asgard, all the nerves you had pushed away came back. You hadn’t see Thor in years. And where you once were his friend and the person whose shoulder he cried on, you now were scared to face him. What if you reminded him of the bad things and pushed him into a depressive episode? You felt so much guilt for all the people you may have hurt when the Snap was fresh.
When Val looked toward the stack of empty beer kegs, you looked at her and your face dropped. He wasn’t just depressed; he was numbing the pain with alcohol. And while Bruce and Rocket may not understand, you did. You understood just how much Thor felt and what was weighing on his mind and heart.
When you knocked on the door, you didn’t expect an answer. Even so, you let Rocket try and when you ended up in the house, you couldn’t help but look around and want to cry. You knew Thor had to be in a bad place to live like this and it hurt for you to see it, but Steve had said you would do some good to see your old friend again, and you had hesitantly agreed.
When you came face to face with the God of Thunder, you expected a lot of things. Maybe to be thrown out, maybe a kiss on the cheek or even to be ignored. You did not expect to see him shirtless with a beer belly and his long blonde hair knotted and greasy. You tried to smile, truly you did, but it surely came out as more than a grimace and when Thor wrapped his arms around you, you had to hold your breath. But in all the bad, you were just happy to see him again, in any form. And now in his arms, it almost felt like it had 5 years ago, but a lot softer.
When he let you go, and Bruce mentioned Thanos, you saw the reaction. The tears, the wetness in his voice. And the fake strength in his voice as he tried to kick them out nearly broke you. But he came with you, for the beer of course. But as he was buckling himself on the ship, you reached out and took his hand.
“I missed you, Thor.”
His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it was something and at that moment, it was the most important thing in the world. Because he was still the person she saw five years before, whether or not he knew it.
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During the ‘time heist’, you stayed with Pepper and Morgan. You played games near the lake with the smallest Stark and when Pepper jetted off in the suit Tony made for her and Happy appeared instead, you knew it was the end. The question was, had they done what needed doing. God, you hoped so. When Clint had come by, and told you about Nat, it killed you. The scream that came from you, it was loud and guttural. Hadn’t you lost enough already? Had you not been through enough than to lose your best friend?
You laid on the couch with Morgan, watching one of the home videos Tony had made throughout Morgan’s childhood when you heard a commotion outside. You pressed a finger to your lips and you and Happy both went to investigate. When you saw an injured Tony, you ran toward him, as he was supported by Steve and Pepper. “Did we… Did we win?” you asked, out of breath and looking to Steve for an answer. You got a nod and fell to your knees, tears flowing from your eyes as the reality hit. Clint tapped you on the shoulder a moment later and your eyes flew up to meet his.
“By the lake. We’ll patch Tony up but you should go down to the lake.”
You nodded, and began your way there but when you looked up, your breath caught in your throat. There, back facing you, stood James Buchanan Barnes, in all his glory. For 5 years you had prayed that you would hold him again. But this time, it wasn’t a dream. He was real and he was here. You wanted to fall to your knees again and thank god or whoever had made this possible.
But instead, you ran.
Your feet grew wings and you ran toward him with a simple scream of ‘Bucky!’ echoing in the trees. He turned and caught you in his arms as your arms and legs wrapped around him, completely enveloping him in your embrace. His own hands found their place on your body, holding you tight to him and pressing his face into your neck. You couldn’t stop crying, all you could do was hold him. Because he was real, and he was here.
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The table was set. Well, tables. Many laughing and smiling faces seated and there you were in the middle of it, making silly faces at Peter and Morgan from across the table. That was until you heard footsteps and you all stood, clapping as Tony sauntered in.
It had been a couple of months since the battle. A month since Thanos had been gone. Tony had almost lost his life fighting him, almost lost the little life he had for himself here. But he fought and with Bruce working on him, he was a force to be reckoned with.
“Thank you, thank you everyone. Very happy to be back.” Everyone sat back down and you slipped your hand into Bucky’s, leaning against him as you both watched Tony. “I just wanna thank each of you, because, well honestly, if it weren’t for you, we would have lost and all this would be…nothing.” He gestured to everything around him. Dinner continued on, everyone passing things around and telling stories to those who hadn’t been around or just chatting.
You stood up, putting a hand on Bucky’s shoulder and excusing yourself, before going outside and settling yourself on the railing of the porch, looking out onto the lake. It was funny, how these things happened. You were sure that Bucky never imagined Tony as his next door neighbor but from where you sat on your porch, across the lake, you could see Tony’s house, just a short boat ride away.
While Bucky didn’t wanna stop fighting, he wanted a place where his family could be safe. So in the middle of the woods, they built their dream house, complete with your grandmother’s vintage record player sitting in the living room.
You felt a hand touch your shoulder and when you turned, you were shocked to see it was Tony.
“Hey kiddo. Nice place. Not as nice as mine, but you definitely could have done worse.” You chuckled and leaning into the man. Ever since his near death experience, you had talked. Long nights of discussing and thankfully, he forgave her. He understood, what you had said back then, and why you had felt that way. He was just so concerned and grieving and upset that he couldn’t handle any other person’s feelings at that moment.
“Thanks Tony.” You smiled before swinging yourself off the railing and pulling him back inside. “C’mon Iron Man, you got a party to get back to.” You pushed him back inside and leaned against the door frame, watching your family all play and laugh with each other.
A pretty perfect picture. And it was all yours.
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky x reader#marvel x reader#thor x reader friendship#tony x reader friendship#endgame rewrite
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Aaaaaa thanks for the tag @schofielded !!!
🏠ARE YOU STAYING HOME FROM WORK OR SCHOOL?
Both. I used to work at a bar every other friday, and since they had all bars close in the state can’t go till they say they can reopen. And I’m stuck out of High School till god knows when.
🏠IF YOU’RE STAYING HOME, WHO IS THERE WITH YOU?
Mom if i’m at my mother’s house, Dad if i’m at dad’s and my lil brother. I’m actually going crazy being stuck with my brother most of the day, that kid I stg his main mission these past few weeks is to get on my nerves.
🏠ARE YOU A HOMEBODY?
Yes and no. I love not having to need to go anywhere but at the same time, I really want to be hanging out with friends or doing anything but sitting inside.
🏠AN EVENT THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT GOT CANCELLED?
My school’s art show, usually I didn’t care if I participated but this year I popped out a few decent paintings. I was getting pretty pumped and now we had to cancel due to the school closing :’)
🏠WHAT SHOWS ARE YOU WATCHING?
Just got done binge watching The Pacific, gonna start Band Of Brothers next week. But that’s pretty much it, i’m not big into watching tv as I used to be. I’ll watch re-runs of Supernatural if I get bored too, but yeah that’s pretty much it.
🏠WHAT MOVIES HAVE YOU WATCHED RECENTLY?
1917 (big surprise lmao), Captain Fantastic, Clue, Onward and Titanic.
🏠WHAT MUSIC ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
I’ve been switching between my musical and 80′s playlist a lot, or random songs I haven’t listened to in y e a rs on loop because I forgot how much of a bop they were. But right exactly now, nothing.
🏠WHAT ARE YOU READING?
So far I've been binge reading fan fiction, I haven’t really sat down and picked up any of my physical books. Forced myself to skim through Into the Wild since that was mandatory for school. To be honest I haven’t been in a reading mood lately and it s u c ks.
🏠WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR SELF CARE?
Listening to music, watching funny videos or taking walks around town. Music always helps me feel better, and getting out every once and a while and feeling that fresh spring air is ni c e. Plus I can finally get into Pokemon Go lmao.
I’ll tag @aph-shy @baylardo @totalyasexual but y’all don’t have to do it if you don’t want
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Cape Elizabeth Review
Cape Elizabeth Review
For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with music. I remember the first time my mother explained the lyrics of a James Taylor song to me and it was like crack. It’s difficult for me to listen to a song and not listen to it over and over picking out what lyrics hit me the most or which harmonies sound the most emotional. It’s really difficult for me to get attached to songs that don’t feel like they have much beneath the surface lyrically, I really want lyrics to knock me off my ass, essentially. It’s how I feel most understood, and comforted. I get a massive kick of adrenaline when I hear a lyric explaining a feeling I can’t put into words, and doing it perfectly. I think this obsession is why Noah quickly became one of my favorite artists, you could teach classes dissecting his lyrics. All of this to say - music has always been one of the main coping strategies I have had for mental illness, general stress, heartbreak or anything between. When shit gets especially bad for me, whether it’s my brain chemistry acting up or a specific hard situation I’m dealing with, I’ve been known to lay in bed blasting whatever songs or artists make me feel most comforted or seen in that time. It is safe to say there’s been a lot of music-in-bed blasting since the start of COVID 19. I believe it was still March when I watched one of the first of Noah’s quarantine instagram lives, it was ‘Couchella’ and he performed a song that I’d never heard before. I tried googling the lyrics first, because I figured it had to be some niche song from one of the folk greats I wasn’t cool enough to know off the top of my head. Turns out it was one of Noah’s unreleased songs, and I flipped out. This was the beginning of me obsessively tuning into Noah’s lives over the course of the next month to hear these unreleased songs he’d been sharing with us. I would get filled with that adrenaline I mentioned before every time and be singing different lyrics to myself throughout the week only growing to love them more and more. By the time Noah announced the EP, I knew all of the words to 4 out of 5 of the songs being released, just from having tuned in so often.
I figured I’d do this song by song, they are too good and give me too many thoughts not to.
A Troubled Mind:
There’s a lot of reasons why I find ‘A Troubled Mind’ so good. I think Noah was able to paint a really accurate picture of what anxiety looks like in the walls of your own mind in this song. A lot of times my brain starts spinning, catastrophizing, and everything seems like a disaster. The chorus especially feels accurate to what it feels like to start overthinking. Noah worries for the sun, the snow, dying young or old. He worries about worrying. Yet, he’s singing almost as if he’s reading off a quick list, like your groceries or something, a fast repetition - but it’s actually these crippling anxieties. His voice is urgent, yet casual. It reminds me of when something small happens, and it tips me off like dominos of worry falling. Usually, if I’m able to list off all the thoughts that have made their way into my mind I watch whoever I’m talking to look a bit shocked before telling me to slow down. I wonder if Noah finds himself in this situation, and maybe that’s why he makes the chorus so fast paced, full of thoughts and worries that contradict themselves and no way to be controlled. Musically, A Troubled Mind feels really timeless. I wasn’t sure how to put that feeling about it into words though, it felt like the lyrics and finger picking could belong to a time many years ago but in a way that also does not age. I was in the car with my parents and it wasn’t until I explained whilst playing this song “I almost want to be on a greyhound bus to New York City listening to this as I look out the window and contemplate my whole life.” and my stepfather responded, to my surprise, “You’re exactly right, I would’ve wanted this song on cassette with me when I was traveling, I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing and I ate this stuff up”. He was big into Simon & Garfunkel, Bob Dylan, etc. On another note I think this song does an incredible job of summing up what many if not all people are feeling right now, a non stop flow of anxiety and a longing to find a way to make it stop, for answers. With the current situation we’re in, comes an endless list of fears. What if my family gets sick? What if I lose my job? What if I can’t start school when I had planned? What if this never ends? What if it keeps coming back? I feel pretty confident that most people are having these thoughts daily, and I think having those thoughts and feelings be encapsulated into something so beautiful like ‘A Troubled Mind’ gives a certain comfort that other things can’t provide. If I was in the middle of a panic attack and out of weed, I would listen to this song on repeat as replacement.
Favorite Lyric: “My brains a dog asleep that I cannot let lie//
Cloudy head though I can’t find a single silver lining “
Close Behind
Close Behind is the most complicated song on the EP, to me. It was hard for me to figure out what it was about on the first listen. Was it about falling out of love? The way anxiety or self doubt affects a relationship? Questioning something that once felt incredibly solid and sound? After a few minutes of pondering, I made a realization that made me feel somewhat silly for even questioning anything before. It was this : a song doesn’t have to be about a specific event or person or relationship, sometimes they are about everything, multiple people and feelings and experiences. I think this song is one of those and one that will age with me, I’ve always loved when a song takes different meanings in different chapters of my life. There are so many beautiful and complicated aspects to Close Behind, it feels like the first conversation after a bitter fight or the realization that things aren’t the same as they once were. A realization, that perhaps you yourself are the reason things are no longer the same. Noah has an ability to take feelings you don’t want to feel or face, hard pills to swallow, and forces you to look them in the eye. The beautiful thing, however, is that his lyrics and music hold you the entire way through the discomfort or pain of acknowledging these things. I have a tendency to search frantically for the trap doors hidden in any good thing that comes my way, and it ends in me never fully enjoying something or I’ll ruin the thing for myself before it gets good. I push people away, I don’t allow myself to believe I deserve the accomplishment of a good thing coming my way, I brace myself for a blow that hasn’t happened yet. I think the lyric “I should change this way of thinking
That all my fears are facts of life,” is especially brilliant. I stated previously that music is how I cope with the dark parts of myself and my life, and sometimes you need to listen to songs that validate how terrible things feel. What I think is so special about Noah is his lyrics validate your dark parts, but also give you hope by helping you to see that you’re not alone nor is your inner struggle the reality. When friends come to me with worries or troubles I always make a point to say to them, “your anxiety and your thoughts are so valid, but they are not the reality.” Somehow Noah put that sentiment into the most poetic words possible and I think these lines will strike a chord with so many people who maybe hadn’t even had this realization yet. Close Behind hurts, it faces the broken parts you try to sweep under the rug, but in a way that makes you feel clean by the end.
Favorite Lyrics:
“I should change this way of thinking
That all my fears are facts of life”
“I live my life in years to come, to prepare myself for sorrow
So I won’t worry, when I crumble at your feet”
Glue Myself Shut
Glue Myself Shut was a song that surprised me from Noah. I’ve found Noah’s songs about love or a relationship are always so beautifully written and even in the songs that are more somber things can still feel really “picturesque”. Glue Myself Shut feels different than those previous songs, it feels brutally honest. Noah’s songs never go 100% in one emotion. By that I mean, they always highlight the good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly. The ups and the downs. That might sound like an obvious or cliche compliment, but I’ve always thought it’s one of the things that makes Noah’s style so unique. With most songs, if it’s a love song it’s going to be positive and lovey dovey the whole way through. If it’s a sad song, it’s going to be as sad as possible the entire way through. This makes sense for the radio or specific spotify curated playlists, but it isn’t what real life is like. Glue Myself Shut is the perfectly painted picture of how life and love and relationships are messy and hard, it shows that you can feel two completely opposite emotions at once. The story telling in this one is so special, it’s like a montage of the good and the bad. It’s like flashing from one scene to the next. I think we all have that one person or relationship that this song feels applicable to. A relationship that feels fragile. The one where you’re constantly feeling like you’re waiting for the next road block, the next thing that’s going to deter this or cause a problem or throw us for a loop. I think a lot of relationships can be super solid, and it’s what you hope for - solid and healthy. But it isn’t always what you get, but even if it’s messy or on and off it doesn’t mean that it isn't extraordinary and wonderful sometimes too. That’s what can make it so addictive. Situations like that are so incredibly complicated, but with this song it feels like it explains what it’s like without you having to.
Favorite Lyrics:
“And you would wear yourself thin
And accept every sin
And if I glued myself shut
You would find your way in”
“We gambled our souls to the summer
And rattled our bones to the thunder
We’d watch every sunset
Until we got sick of each other”
Anyway
I remember the first time I watched Noah perform ‘Anyway’ on Instagram Live. I wish there was a better way to say it, but there isn’t: it knocked me on my ass. I’ve seen so many reviews and comments talking about how this EP is Noah going back to his roots and the pre busyhead era, but I think this song proves such a massive amount of growth for Noah as an artist. He gave us a level of brutal honesty that we hadn’t received from him yet with Anyway. The song is written as if it’s to or for someone, yet equally feels like a letter to yourself. Cape Elizabeth is raw and stripped down, more than we’ve ever seen Noah musically. Majority of the songs are just Noah’s voice and his guitar. There’s no fluffing up the vocals, no streaks of pop music or subtle beats, none of that is needed - the songs speak for themselves. However, I think it’s the undisguised discomfort in this song that proves Noah as an artist more than ever before. Anyway highlights what rock bottom can feel like, and what you wish to hear so desperately when you’ve hit it. I’ve seen comments saying that this song feels like a hug, or like comfort they didn’t know they needed. Everyone has had those moments in life, however brief or agonizingly long, where you realize you’re in a pathetic or shameful place. Maybe you got yourself there because of your inner demons, desperately trying to cope and destroying everything instead. Maybe someone else put you there by breaking your heart and now you’re just finishing the job. Whatever it is, we’ve all been there. Getting too drunk to cope and breaking down, letting your texts and missed calls pile high as you neglect the people who care, or just feeling the weight of your emotions hit you as you lay in bed feeling powerless. Anyway sums up the hurt you feel in all of those moments. The imagery of someone finding you in your darkest moment is uncomfortable and hard to think about, but there’s something about it being acknowledged by someone else that makes it bearable. I’m not sure who Noah is singing to in this song, or if perhaps he’s singing to himself or how he wishes someone would sing to him in a time like this. I am sure that the words of comfort and acknowledgement he sings are enough to make you feel like the one he’s trying to console. Quarantine has been one of the most difficult times I’ve faced lately, and there’s already been a few occasions where I haven’t felt able to ask my loved ones for help. There’s been a few times where it’s been unbearable in the last nineteen days, and my only resort was to crawl into bed and blast this song to keep myself safe. I truly believe this is Noah’s most powerful song to date because of the experiences I’ve already had with it.
Favorite Lyrics:
“Dirt on your heels, you’ve made a mess
Down by the carpark, high off your head
Honey don’t worry, nobody’s angry at any of this
Darling be patient, stare into the vacancy, take a deep breath”
“Honey don’t worry, I’ll do your laundry, covered in dirt
Darling be patient, it’s easy to break beneath the weight of the earth”
“I’ll be the light that you can’t make
I’ll be your eyes you be my face”
“A coat, something you only wear in cold weather”
Maine
Maine is my favorite song off of the EP. Every once in a while, a song comes into my life and I feel it in my whole body. I know that sounds weird, but it’s hard to think of another way to describe it. The moment you hear it, you feel your eyes widen and your heart beat faster at the astonishment that a piece of art like this could exist. You want to eat, sleep and breathe this song once you’ve heard it. I screenrecorded Noah performing Maine the second time I saw him perform it on Instagram Live, and when he wasn’t live once a week I would be constantly playing the recorded video from my photos as a desperate way to keep listening to it. It’s difficult to put into words what makes this song so perfect. The finger picking at the beginning reminds me of James Taylor, which is the highest compliment I can give. James Taylor has always been able to paint pictures in my head and transport me there, Noah Kahan is the only other singer who can do that for me the way James Taylor does. Maine truly paints the most beautiful picture imaginable. I spend my summers on Martha’s Vineyard and I can’t explain the way life changes when I’m there. Things feel still, and warm and simple in the best way. It’s an escape that I crave for the ten out of twelve months I’m not there during the year. That feeling I get on the vineyard, is the feeling I get when I listen to Maine. The lyrics “Are you still taking pills in the morning? And did you lose that longing?” as well as “Can you even hear them from the subway?” feels so representative of how we all have places that make us feel whole or at home, and when we’re away from them long enough we go back to who we normally are or have to be. Cape Elizabeth feels like losing yourself and finding it again at the exact same time. I can’t think of a better song to bring it to a close. Maine takes you to that place inside of you that’s real, that is who you wish you could be all the time. It carries that bittersweetness in its lyrics that matches all you feel with growing up. Additionally, I think the lyrics “Laughing at the way
That you would say
“if only baby there were cameras in the traffic lights, they’d make me a star” “ are the best lyrics to be written by anyone. I can’t explain it in words, it’s just wonderful.
Favorite Lyrics
“You don’t hate the summer
You’re just afraid of the space
Asking strangers for answers
To forget what they say”
“I miss this place your head and your heart”
“Laughing at the way
That you would say
“if only baby there were cameras in the traffic lights, they’d make me a star”
It’s only May, but I feel confident that Cape Elizabeth is going to be my favorite thing released by any artist in 2020. I think it will be one of my favorite pieces of work created by an artist for the rest of my life, to be honest. There’s a level of comfort, honesty and self discovery in this EP that I would have never been able to reach on my own. I can say truthfully that Noah Kahan has never released a song that I disliked or couldn’t keep on repeat for many hours - but there is an entirely new level of magic Noah has reached in Cape Elizabeth that makes it so very special.
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Day 1: “it’s getting hard to be someone but it all works out”🍓
Day 1:
bonjour mes amis. today i start this ‘corona journal’ as a daily log and outlet as I cope with this quarantine. as an ESFJ, someone with a dire need for human connection and physical touch, and as someone with diagnosed major depression and generalized anxiety, just the couple of weeks since school has shut down with the rest of life as I’ve always known it have been increasingly scary and difficult for me. so here is my shit. i hope that if you are reading this you may be able to find some form of comfort or solace in this, and know that you are not alone. i’m tired of rules so i’m gonna make this the E.E. Cummings of blogs and give 0 fucks, cuz that is about all I have left in me...
today was a hard day, thus inspiring this creation. i had to open today, working at the grocery store as a cashier from 7-2 pm. yesterday i got an awful migraine at work which threw me into a series of catastrophic thoughts self-diagnosing me with covid. which has happened far more than once. unfortunately my anxiety has led me down the path of what i would call ‘phantom symptoms’. things like shortness of breath are something that comes from my anxiety (and actually sent me to the ER once before I figured out it was just a panic attack). and conveniently that is also a symptom of covid. so i am sure you could imagine the vicious cycle that this creates. my dad told me about my stepmom’s best friend who went to a ski resort and then found out someone had it there. she then reported a sore throat. but my dad said that if that happened to him he would probably feel a sore throat to and i find some calming value in that thought (he also suffers from anxiety). to quote one of my heroes george harrison, “it’s all in the mind” and although georgie was probs talking about LSD or some mantra repeated while plucking away at his sitar, i find meaning in that. it is important to remember that a lot of what we are feeling may have more internal cause than external. anyways, I got home yesterday and k.o.ed at 6 and woke up at 10 ish. by then i said fuck it and went back to bed an hour later cuz i knew i would have to be right back at work in the morning. today i woke up 20 minutes before work. i’ve been taking my mom’s 2008 odyssey to work most days during this weird fever dream which has been very helpful. i got my license about a month ago. i am very glad i did it before all of this craziness truly began because at least now i have a way to get out when i need it. a little escape into the car radio is very very necessary sometimes. this past week my main coping strategies have been listening to fleetwood mac and playing mario galaxy 2 however these can only go so far lol. strongly recommend both though ;) screaming “damn your love damn your lies” in the car like you’ve really been wronged is surprisingly VERY cathartic. today work went by mostly fast and painless, thankfully. after i got home i found myself caught back in a snapchat and twitter loop in my unmade bed in my messy room (which i hate to keep messy). i really believe in the idea of clean space clean mind. because my room is usually a solid reflection of my mental health, and my room definitely affects my mood in turn.
after a certain point, a conversation with a close friend where i crossed a boundary and started momming them awakened me to how tense i was. i decided to go for a walk. the first thing i saw was a little playground with caution tape around it. there is something eerie about that but it looked so silly considering it is a tiny toddler sized playground. i walked the path around my neighborhood and this is when thoughts began to pour. you never ever think you will live through something as crazy as this until it happens. i thought about people who wrote through insane times, like Anne Frank for example. not to say i am experiencing a plight anywhere near hers, but, i just thought about the fact that one day some historian might read this blog post and archive it in some fancy futuristic file and use it as an example of how the youth of america experienced the covid-19 virus in the year 2020. i honestly have felt such insane denial throughout all this. this can’t be real right? missing a month or more of school? grocery stores looking like a best buy on black friday?? these are things i could have never imagined. and yet i feel nothing. maybe it is just my nature that it is hard to surprise me after all i have seen. or perhaps it is just the nature of my generation. the psychologists and sociologists in me would love to have these answers. i walked across the street to a park area i have roamed since childhood. i sat on my favorite rock bench. this is what i refer to as my happy place but today it did not look or feel so happy. the sky was gray and dreary and the only life surrounding me were some sweet little ducks. oh to be a blissfully unaware duck during such trying times. memories surrounded me on this walk. i remembered how months prior there was a pride fest in this very place, and a carnival, and how i danced in front of a stage to cover bands of earth, wind, and fire and the beatles. and i also remembered walking on these paths in 1st and 2nd grade feeding wonder-bread to ducks (i'm so sorry babies), and rolling down the hill, and that one time my dad pushed me over the little bridge on the stroller so fast that a fun time ended with me slinging out and scraping my little knees. memories of what i call the secret garden where i went to see the flowers every spring, and took pictures at quinces at, and snuck to during theatre rehearsals in middle school. but there was barely a soul there today. no flowers and no light. i cried. i closed my eyes and breathed in the wind that was rustling the trees. at sundown i walked home and showered and decided i might as well poor all of this out before i lose it. i love making playlists so maybe i will start a quarantine one to share or do some daily song suggestions.
today’s song (where the heading quote is derived from) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtUH9z_Oey8
some pictures from my excursion today:
#quarantine#quarantine thoughts#covid19#covid-19#coronavirus#coping#mental illness#depression#anxiety#self care#positivity#journal#journaling#diary#thoughts
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Q&A post with the Mods!!!!
This is going to be a long one oh boy
How strict is the delineation of creative control vis-a-vis characters/plays between the mods? (@pedanticlecturer)
We generally have the plays split up along lines of “what we know”— we have a list at the very beginning of the blog. Sometimes we’ll draw the others’ characters (mostly me drawing some of Star’s…) but even then the final say on characterization is up to the “main” mod for that play — mod aster
what aster said -- mod star
What is your favorite play? What is your favorite character in terms of how they were written in the source material? (@pedanticlecturer)
I think my favorite play overall is Macbeth, just because I like the vibes (and the fact that I too could kill Macbeth), the fact that you don’t say it’s name in theatres, and the fact that it’s a play I did a full read through and analysis of in class. Favorite character? Puck from Midsummer. — mod aster
uhhhh,, hmm. ive always had a soft spot for midsummer since i saw it with aster esp bc of how fun the costumes were. of the comedies it has the largest potential to be the most visually pleasing bc of the concept of fairies,,,and im gay and dramatic so i love that. id die if i got to costume design for midsummer,,,or be in it,,,yeah. fav character. hmm. probably mercutio?? i recently saw a version of romeo and juliet where mercutio was played by a woman and oh my god it was amazing!!! not to mention mercutio’s portrayal in baz luhrmann's INCREDIBLE version of r n j!!! (I based my mercutio design on him) he just spends the entire time making dick jokes. love that. -- mod star
How do you answer asks so fast? I mean it's great but I'm impressed 😂 (Anon)
Personally, it’s a mix of: notifications on, quick drawing speed, and using the blog to avoid my class work — mod aster
aster is fast and (as you can see from all of my answers) im lazey -- mod star
Are there any elements/characters of the plays you're covering that you would have liked to work into this blog's plot, but couldn't due to the constraints of the setting or the synthetic nature of the blog? (@pedanticlecturer)
I wanted to make everyone gay but unfortunately due to plot constraints we have to have some hets but that wont stop me from making it lgbt as possible. -- mod star
I did want to make The Tempest more of a central play, but it just didn’t translate well. Similarly, other supernatural elements like the witches in Macbeth. This isn’t so much a constraint mentioned, but my own time/energy means that I want to show the Macbeth backstory, in a specific format, but I can’t right now— mod aster
Is there a hierarchy of import when it comes to each play's individualized impact on shakespeare high's general arc? If so, what plays are crucial to the foundation of the story? Which ones did you do mostly for shits and giggles? (@pedanticlecturer)
This is phrased like an ACT question and i might not answer it right so sorry in advance but: mod aster and i only selected a few plays for each of us to do given we dont know all of shakespeare’s works, but we tend to put more emphasis on the the more well known. But it also comes down to 1. How much we have plotted out for each play and 2. What the followers ask about most. Our two most popular are hamlet and macbeth bc people are familiar w those but around march caesar always becomes relevant again. I didnt even have designs for some of the characters until someone asked about them. -- mod star
I would say the same as star— it generally comes down to what people ask about. I will say that the overall plot is sort of separated into “has happened” and “is happening”. Like, the human potion of Midsummer, Julius Caesar, and Macbeth are all in the “aftermath” portion, while Twelfth Night, Hamlet, and Romeo and Juliet, among others, are happening. We’re trying to incorporate as much as we can, and I don’t think any of them were really put in without some thought.— mod aster
What personal significance does shakespeare hold in ur guys' lives? (@pedanticlecturer)
I go to a theater school rn and so ive dealt w shakespeare (although not all of them) it also helps that i was in loves labours lost last year as moth and that i read hamlet and r n j. Theres also a theater in my state that always does One Big Shakespeare per season and they always do them super well!!! My love for shakespeare probably started w seeing midsummer at that theater w mod aster!!! So. Theater kid rights!! -- mod star
To be honest, I got back into Shakespeare Because of the blog. I’ve been friends with some people that got really Pretentious about Shakespeare, and it kinda put me off of it. I did have a book of abridged plays (the plays’ plots written out in prose, basically) that I read as a kid, which is what got me into not only the plots of a lot of the plays, but also the idea of having them illustrated. And, same as star, the theater in state does the One Big Shakespeare— and they tend to do some really cool things with the costumes, setting them in diff time periods. I haven’t been able to see any lately since I’ve moved, but they still slap. — mod aster
🥰😘💙🥰🥰💜💟🥰I 😍💗💚😍😍LOVE🖤🖤 YALL ♥️♥️🧡💛💚💝❣️💕💘💖💗💓💞💝❤️💛💜 okay now i have a question i swear— how long have the two of you been doing art??? and what were your first shakespeare plays??? (@hellaghosts)
Uhh i started drawing when i was like idk 12 and i have the giant boxes of sketchbooks to prove it!!! I moved to digital art at abt 14-15 but mostly stayed traditional until this yr when i got a Neat New Tablet so some of my sketchbooks are sitting abandoned rip. My first shakespeare was either romeo and juliet or midsummer nights dream and i love both of them v much!!! I have a very old piece of art that i did for r n j for my freshman class assignment on it and it hasnt aged well alsdjfjafd circa 2016 i think??? -- mod star
Oh man. I started drawing when I was about 10, but it was Bad. I don’t think I got much into drawing again until I was about 14? Sometime around the end of middle school/beginning of high school. I would say I started getting into drawing as more than doodling/coloring edits sometime around 2015-16? I would draw on my iPad with my finger, then I got a tablet for my computer, and now I pretty much stick to my iPad with an Apple Pencil. My first Shakespeare play was….. uh…… probably Midsummer???? I have No idea. We would go to plays when I was little, so I honestly don’t remember if I saw others before. It may have been Romeo and Juliet— I had that book where it was the original and the “modernized” with the little dog that explained things— which, if you know it makes sense, but if you don’t is probably a bonkers answer. — mod aster
Do you think this blog has like? An overarching thesis (be it b/c intentionally or simply b/c ur own take on the world has bled thru to the point where u believe it’s central to the piece at this point)? (@pedanticlecturer)
Not gonna lie, I had to read that like three times AND dm you to figure out what you were asking from us and all I have is “be gay, respect women, write your own happy endings”. — mod aster
This blog started with an ides of march shitpost and you think we have enough brain energy to write a whole thesis? I projected feelings of found family onto my half of the blog but idk if that counts. Be gay do crime 420 69 -- mod star
What’s the nature/rough dynamic of ur relationship? How do y’all know each other? (@pedanticlecturer)
Met mod aster when i was like 4 and even tho we didnt live close we became like, best friends although the Best part didnt start until we were like 13-ish and eventually we talked like non stop (about anime and homestuck. Yknow. 13 year old kid things) and we didnt see each other a lot bc of Distance and now its even worse bc aster is in colleg.,e but we consider each other siblings regardless of family bc we’re adopted into our own respective families so that bled over into our friendship and it would feel weird calling him anything other than my brother now. We’ve seen each other at our best and worst and if you really want a good insight on what we’re like as siblings watch griffin and justin mcelroy’s overview video of catlateral damage wherein i am griffin and he is the long suffering justin. -- mod star
Star is basically my long distance sibling and functionally the only cousin I recognize bc like their parents are basically an aunt and uncle and like our dads look enough alike that we’ve both accidentally gotten the wrong dad for a hug or similar so like. Anyways yeah Star is the Griffin to my Justin, complete with our absent middle brother who we love dearly— mod aster
Dubiously relevant q but what kind of music do y’all listen to when u do art (if that is indeed a habit either of u partake in) (@pedanticlecturer)
It can depend on the piece? I was working on some (unrelated) oc prints that were song-focused, and for those I just listened to said song on loop. Sometimes I have playlists. Sometimes I’ll just be in a Mood and throw a song on loop. But a lot of time for the blog, I’ll listen to The Adventure Zone for the billionth time, because I have Too Much Attention. I’ve also, on request from Star, linked the most recent “loop song”.— mod aster
I tend to obsess over the same like 3 songs every few weeks so those get listened to on repeat but it also depends on the tone of what im drawing or who im drawing i might genre switch bc of that. If im drawing ophelia i stick to lana del rey and if im drawing hamlet its the neighborhood, horatio is sufjan stevens etc. i have categorized,. Most of the characters i draw into different songs/genres/energies of music but not like i ever follow that. Sometimes i just pull up a really long nonsense video and forget to draw. Essentially: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ -- mod star
How’d y’all come up with ur pseudonyms? (@pedanticlecturer)
I love space so much and my main blog is starryeydsailor space gay rights!! Im also tiny and full of energy and bright so basically i;m star -- mod star
Uhhhh i was like “hey i want to do uhhhhhh flower?” And then I google searched flower names until I found one I liked —- mod aster
How did you end up deciding the rough timeline of events in canon? (@pedanticlecturer)
It’s mostly determined by like. How we choose per story? If that makes sense. Like, we just take story by story, and decide “is it happening, has it happened, and when?” And then we fit them together in relation to each other just by dint of. All existing at once. Like, I knew I wanted Macbeth to be in aftermath, because like, even though there’s no murder, the way I’ve translated it to the AU is still kinda heavy, and it’s something that I don’t know that I could do properly if it were happening right now. Also, it’s more interesting IMO to have them at different times. Tl;dr we wing it per story and slot them together— mod aster (mod star agrees I just can word better, in theory)
If you could tell the story of shakespeare high in a different format than an ask blog, would you? Obviously y'all are making very good use of the format, but would you want to write this as a animated series or like? a comic book? or is the form inseparable from the story? (@pedanticlecturer)
I kinda wanted to do a webcomic or maybe to plot develop through like, animatics but the element of surprise comes from the asks we get and really makes us think so the blog is a good start. We didnt think we’d get this far -- mod star
Pretty much what Star said— there are certain elements where it’d be neat to do as a comic or as an animatic. Like, the fantasy dream is like, an anthology webcomic of each story, where you can like, see other characters in the background and stuff. But to be honest, we develop a lot by what we’re asked— there was a post about developing worldbuilding by being asked questions and then pretending you’ve thought about the answer, and it’s not far off. Personally, it’s hard to just lay out a story, because I have a whole WORLD and what’s relevant? What are people interested in? It’s by getting questions that I can then focus in on an area to develop. And yeah, we Super didn’t think we’d get this far lmao — mod aster
Any headcanons about your characters that you don't think will ever come up on the blog through asks or plot posts? (@pedanticlecturer)
I could make a whole separate post for this!!!!! Mostly its voice headcanons (and by mostly i mean like 1 or 2) or relationship hcs!!!! -- mod star
Honestly same. I don’t think I have voice headcanons for mine, though I bet I could find some. I’ve got a bunch of miscellaneous headcanons that just kinda float around, but like they’re scattered, too numerous for this post, and also not always things I’m sure are canon yet.— mod aster
#mod post#mod aster#mod star#q and a#birthday#we cant seem to read more AND tag so like brb gonna go kill god
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I Wanna Lean on Your Shoulder
REQUEST: from julias-trojan
Hello, I really love your work! I wanted to request a fic where the reader is a background actress in Dunkirk and she meets & becomes friends with Jack. It's obvious that she has feelings for him but she doesn't think that he'd ever like her back- until one day they get caught in the rain and she's a huge hopeless romantic so she blurts out something like "I'd love to be kissed in the rain" without even thinking and then he suddenly kisses her :') SORRY IF THIS IS TOO LONG IM GONNA SHUT UP NOW
A/N: I fell so in love with this prompt and wrote nearly 1500 words of PURE FLUFF! Seriously, this will ROT. YOUR. TEETH.
Title: Waiting Game by Banks
My Jack playlist can be found on Spotify (this is what I listen to when I write about him and songs that are featured in fics about him) (x)
It had been simultaneously the longest, yet quickest, month on the set of Dunkirk for Y/N and she was absolutely not ready to say goodbye to everyone she had befriended, especially knowing that their journey with the film was still continuing past her departure. She was so incredibly grateful, and oh so proud of herself, for the role. No matter how minor it was.
In that short space of time she had become such good friends with, not only a lot of the background cast, but also the main cast, which excited her more than she cared to admit. One in particular had caught her eye from day one, and she definitely was not about to admit that anytime soon. Especially not to those pesky gossiping boys.
Jack Lowden had the ability to turn her into a fumbling and blushing fool with just one smile, but also managed to pull out a flirtatious and cheeky side of her that she seldom showed. Simply put, she was a bit of a general mess around him and, unbeknownst to her, the lads had caught it early on and saw the change in their friend as she started to become more attracted to the Scottish man. Maybe it was her scarlet flushes when she was around him, maybe it was how much she teased him back when he did it to her, perhaps it was the way she spoke about him when he wasn’t around, or maybe it was the way her whole demeanour changed as soon as she saw him. Either way, they’d noticed but kept quiet to both Jack and Y/N, not wanting to meddle or cause any complications in their already interesting relationship.
Her last day on set was celebrated, during the evening, with the lads – Jack, Tom, Aneurin, Barry, Fionn & Harry – as well as a few of the minor cast that she has worked more closely with. She was so thrilled that they all wanted to spend that last day with her, still in awe that she’d made such good friends.
As the night drew to a close, everyone content with a few drinks, good food and wonderful company, they bid her farewell with cuddles, kisses, good luck and a promise of keep in touch, something that she absolutely intended to stick to. After all, they shared this journey with each other and that would always bind them all together.
Just as she was saying goodbye to the last person leaving, Jack appeared behind her and rested his hands on her shoulders, squeezing them for reassurance, “C’mon princess, lemme walk you back.”
She shivered as they stepped out into the cool evening air, the temperature evidently dropped whilst they were inside the restaurant, “Take this, can’t have you catching your death out here,” he placed his jacket over her shoulders which she kindly accepted and slipped her arms through the sleeves that were miles too long for her small frame.
“Thanks J, such a gent as always,” she grinned up at him. As soon as he returned the expression, she suddenly felt like her stomach was rearranging, it was churning and tickling and she felt dread but also happiness, the most odd mixture of feelings overtaking her body. How was she going to go each day without seeing him now?
Y/N had always been the most ridiculous and hopeless romantic, in love with the idea of being in love and clichés and she didn’t care one bit. Until suddenly she did and she felt like she was suffocating under the weight of her feelings.
“Set’s gonna be so weird without you, won’t be the same.”
She averted her gaze to the floor as they walked, her hair fell over her face and she bit her lip, partly due to nerves and partly to stop her from crying on the spot.
“You won’t even notice I’m gone, you’ll be fine.” She let out a weak laugh and the brightest smile she could muster just in case he could see even part of her face, trying to make it clear that she wasn’t bothered by it, although of course she was. She was an actress after all.
‘Don’t say that, you’re the glue, the one that keeps us lads in check, who’s gonna look after us now?” His voice sounded weaker than she’d heard before, so in tune with his actions and tone of voice and everything that she didn’t realise she’d picked up on over the past 4 weeks.
She looped her arm through his and softly sighed, “I’m only on the other end of a phone if you really need me. But you’re all big boys, you can handle yourselves.”
Jack brought his free arm across his chest and squeezed her hand that was looped around him, “I‘ll just miss you, that’s all.”
Not even a moment later a few rain drops had started to fall and it felt like the biggest metaphor for her life and she wanted to burst into tears because this was seriously unfunny.
“Bloody rain.”
Within thirty seconds the heavens had opened and the rain was pouring and pouring, heavily bouncing on the floor and the sound almost deafening. Suddenly they both began to laugh, there was no use trying to seek shelter, they were already soaked through.
“I’ll miss you too, y’know? All of you, so much. You better all keep in touch, you can’t leave me sad and lonely for the rest of my life, okay?” Jack snickered at her teasing tone and released her arm, taking her hand in his by their sides. She couldn’t even think about that gesture without feeling giddy.
“We can’t have that, I‘ll ring you everyday if I have to.”
“Deal.” She smiled and lightly rested her head against his shoulder as they continued to walk, only five or so minutes away from where she was staying.
“That’s something else I’ve never done,” she mumbled quietly.
“What haven’t you done?” Y/N looked to Jack a little awkwardly, not expecting to be heard but letting the words fall out of her without another thought. Her head shook, “nothing, it’s silly.”
“Tell me, I’m curious.”
“I have this mental list where I note down silly clichés that I’ve yet to experience. It’s so lame, I know, but I’m such a girl about some things,” she looked so bashful and Jack had never been so endeared by anyone before, “I’ve never kissed anyone in the rain, and it’s probably so impractical and nowhere near as romantic as films make it look, but it’s just a thing-”
Before she could even finish the sentence, Jack had pulled himself away from her and stepped in front of her, in her direct personal space, and kissed away the rest of her rambling. He gently cradled the back of her head, pressing her closer to him as he held her in place, his lips firmly against hers.
Her eyes slipped shut and she tried to focus on him, and only him, the way he kissed, the way he felt against her and the way he was making her feel. She didn’t want to think about how crazy this was or how he was probably being a good friend and ticking this off her list. She just wanted to think about how this was actually happening, and that he initiated it, sober.
A few moments later he pulled away and rested his forehead against hers, the most handsome smile pulling at his mouth as he fixed his gaze onto hers, “Did that satisfy that particular cliche experience?”
“I might need a repeat, just so I know what I’m comparing it to,” her voice came out particularly breathy and she felt like she was having an out of body experience.
“That can be arranged,” he pulled her into a more bruising kiss this time, more sure of himself and that what he was doing was okay and acceptable and wanted.
“There’s a lot more on that list, y’know, just if you’re interested.”
“We’ve got plenty of time to complete that list, together,” Y/N’s breath hitched and she had the biggest look of relief and adoration on her face, completely matching his, “maybe somewhere drier though, and let’s sleep first because I’m shattered and really fancy a cuddle.”
He had the cheekiest grin on his face as he said that, and she was pretty sure that she was about to tick off something else from her list that she didn’t even know she wanted.
Fall in love with your best friend.
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TSSKSF (FEEI) update
Requisite disclaimers:
TSSKSF = The Super Secret Kitchen Sink Fic; it was my nickname for this thing when I didn’t have a title. The context being, my original concept for this fic was INSANE, there was so much shit going on. It was all that, and the kitchen sink. I’ve since pared down my original ambitions considerably—and subsequently came up with new ones—but I’m still looking at a 200k 250k word fic, at least. It’s plot dense.
FEEI = For Each Ecstatic Instant. The actual title! I finally thought of something that resonates with me! Yay!
No, this isn’t posted anywhere, yet. I don’t post WIPs if I can help it. This is just me chatting about my writing process and keeping you all in the loop :)
For those of you who are interested in following along, I’ve been creating a playlist for this story as I’ve written/speculated chapters (each chapter gets one song). You can listen to it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4BCGSg4HLWvcPhadFyhywK?si=y9_WwNXRT5GWHhy-c3wcRQ. It’s moody and broody and I’m enjoying listening to it when I’m out and about, unrelated to this story :)
Hello all! Short update today. Just wanted to let you know: I’ve been about 15k words of productive since I last checked in. Current word count: 227,783. I just sent chapters 35-42 off for initial comments from my betas. The chapter I had planned to be 41 was nearly 10k words and had a clear tonal shift right in the middle, so I decided to split it into two chapters, which means my newly projected end chapter is now 47. My projected chapter 45 is already written. So. I have 4 planned chapters left to write. Let’s see if it actually stays at 4—maybe, they’ll have chapter babies like 41 did :) Who knows?
I’ll probably take a break tonight and tomorrow and get started on 43 on Thursday evening. I’d love to be able to tell you sometime next week that I’ve got 43 & 44 done, and 45 is finally connected to the main narrative. Fingers crossed!
No previews anymore. Too spoiler-y.
Until next time!
Gosh, this list is getting long!
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One Year in Music: Week 50
Yeah that’s right, week 50! I could give up now, and it’s still a hell of a feat, but alas, I will bravely carry on for the guaranteed fame and riches. This song is called Lately. I came up with the main piano melody 13 years ago when I was home for the summer from college. It was a strange summer, so I played a lot of piano in between underage binge drinking with my friends. When I first played this melody for someone, they said it had an Elliot Smith vibe, and that is the highest form of praise I know. After trying several different chord progressions, I finally settled on a chorus and an arrangement that was worthy of that melody I kept in my mind for a baker’s dozen years.
This song is yet another song about figuring out how to navigate our current 24-hour news-cycle-of-hell we have accepted as normal. I will fully admit, I have tuned out and avoided reading about many “important” news stories this year simply because they were either a huge downer, or a huge let down by someone whom I had invested a great deal of hope in, i.e Barack Obama, only to see him slowly turn into a lifestyle brand giving out curated playlists and movie recommendations, while at the same time urging people to not start a revolution, not lean to far to the left, and remind everyone that hey, the center and status quo are a big mood too!
My philosophy soon became, the less I get involved and get my hopes up, the less they win. If I don’t let another President Deals news story ruin my day, is that a victory? Or is it once again privileged ignorance under the guise of self-care? The news media outlets have been on a constant crescendo since 9/11, going to further and further extremes for ratings, and social media has now reinforced these extremes with how we interact with the news, throw in a predator clown president, and it almost has to reach a tipping point soon. Right? How much worse could it get? Cue: Breaking news graphic.
The Chorus of the song asks, “If I’m not there, not missing, if I’m not there at all, who is to say it’s all on me?” Does everyone need to carry the cross of constant bad news? Is there any value to being in the know, when the news cycle is so short? Who is to say? Until we figure out, I might just stay out of the loop and listen to another lit slow jam Obama sent me on spotify.
Lyrics:
Well tell me darling are you ever going to think it’s real
I got a feeling, that we’re never going to really feel
The way that we did, when, we were young
Lately I, lately I’ve been obsessed with
Lately I, lately I’ve been a mess with
Lately I, lately I haven’t been blessed by you
I haven’t been blessed by you
I’m not there, not there, not missing
If I’m not there at all
I’m not there not there, not there, not missing
If I’m not there at all
Whose to say it’s all, it’s all on me
Whose to say it’s all, it’s all on me
I don’t mind, don’t mind, don’t mind taking a break
Your mind, your mind, finally made a mistake
Your mind, your mind, finally made it okay, okay, okay
Lately I, lately I’ve been unrested
Lately I, lately I’ve been unimpressed with
Lately I, lately I’ve been stressed by you
I don’t know why I would tell you
I don’t know why it went wrong
I don’t know why I would tell you, tell you, tell you after all
I’m not there not there, not there, not missing
If I’m not there at all
I’m not there not there, not there, not missing
If I’m not there at all
Whose to say it’s all on me
Whose to say it’s all, it’s all on me
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Tagged by @christinawritesfiction !
Rules: Answer the questions and tag ten writers!
1. What made you start writing for the first time?
Books. I’ve pretty much always loved books, ever since I was a little kid, and early on I decided I wanted to do that. Make a book. Make something for people to read and love and stay up to finish and get excited over. Make people happy. I just never had one story I stuck with and worked on seriously until now.
2. If you could only write about the ocean, the forest, or the desert for the rest of your life, which one would you pick?
You’re really going to make me choose between the forest and ocean? That’s cold. But since I already have my current WIP set in the forest I’m going to say forest.
3. Would you ever write a memoir?
I’ve written a creative nonfiction story based on my life before, which was kind of fun, so maybe? My main obstacle would be remembering what actually happened in my life. Whole parts of my memory are just black holes.
4. Do you like writing by hand, or writing with a computer?
I usually use my computer because it feels more official. Plus there are all those nifty features, like word counting and adding to a previously written section without having to write curled up in the margins. I used to write in notebooks, though, and I still will if I don’t have my computer handy.
5. Would you rather be popular among many readers, or unpopular, but loved by critics?
Readers, definitely.
6. Do you listen to music while you write? What is the best writing music?
I listen to whatever I’ve been listening to that day or week, which is sometimes the whole library on shuffle and sometimes a three-song playlist on a loop. Despite that, I think the best writing music is no music, because lyrics clutter up my brain with too many words. I mean, I’ll listen to it anyway, so take that with a grain of salt. But when I get really into a scene I’ve been known to rip out my earbuds so I can focus better.
7. Do people you’ve met find their way into your writing?
I definitely draw on them, yeah. Not name and all, but different characteristics and the general impression they made on me often end up in my writing.
~
Alright, so tagging! @seriophi , @kira-desomma , and @hamsterwritin , have you done this one yet?
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Yes, Serendipity! Part 1
Because of the lack of a better title, I’ll just call it Yes, Serendipity!
So it has been over a week since I was in Japan for Cinderella Girls 5th LIVE TOUR Serendipity Parade!!! and up until the moment of writing this, I am still gathering my thoughts about the whole experience. Honestly, somehow it still feels very surreal to me and I still can’t believe I was there, on such a big venue to watch the Cinderella Girls perform live.
I will (probably) have too much to say and I want to write out properly instead of spamming my twitter with all the ramblings, so I thought that I should just write it out on one big post in my dead tumblr blog. I also thought that it’d be a pretty funny memory to look back to one day. A fair warning that this post is long, rambly, and likely full of grammatical mistakes so I apologize to whoever reads it in advance.
Before anything else, I want to start with an introduction about myself. Since I gained a few followers this month, I feel like this is a good time to know me a little bit better, how I became a Producer and ended up in CG5th, etc. I go by the name “chun” on the internet, and that’s the only name I’ve used ever since aside from my real name. I started following anime religiously back in 2012 when I started this anime blog though my interest at the time was nowhere near idols, if some of my old tumblr friends read this then they know what I was into back then. I did have a bit of interest in seiyuu back then though I didn’t follow them as seriously, seiyuu like Kondou Takashi, Sawashiro Miyuki, and Tsuda Kenjirou to name a few but my interest have now shifted to more female seiyuus like Sumipe, Matsueri, and Shimayuki. Contrary to what most people think, I haven’t been a Producer for a long time like most of the Ps that I have encountered, I’ve only been a fan for a little over a year and a half though I’ve been aware of iDOLM@STER ever since my young anime days but didn’t care about idols at all.
To be honest, like most “how I got into x series/franchise” stories go, I also never really saw myself getting into iDOLM@STER or any idol stuff in general until I got into Love Live. And yes, I was a huge Love Liver way before I became a Producer, just to get that out there. I’m going to skip the whole Love Liver part, but basically I finally took notice of iDOLM@STER in 2015 though I still couldn’t get into it back then because I was a filthy Love Liver (see this tweet). I even tried Deresute when it released but I was too deep into SIF that time so I just shrugged it off since I had my hands full with different mobage. It wasn’t until my friend convinced me to play Deresute again cause an Anya event was coming which is what got me to play Deresute continuously up until now. I’ll talk about how I became an AnyaP in a separate post when her birthday comes around, but basically he knew I liked Anya despite not being into CG at the time. So I picked up the game again and eventually it led to my fall to Deresute then ultimately to CG, this was also around Final Live so I guess it somehow came off as me being “traitor” to the other series, but thinking about it now I don’t really regret it.
I did try to actively support both series but I knew it was impossible for me to like both equally, eventually I would have lesser time for one series while I dedicate all my time to the other. Since I got interested into CG by the time µ’s was ending, it was also around the time when they started pushing so much Aqours stuff, I had to pick between getting into Aqours or diving deeper into CG. Naturally, it was an easy decision for me (nothing against Aqours, they are good but I couldn’t bring myself to like them fully as much as I did with µ’s). I guess you can say everything fell into place at the right time? It’s kind of silly actually, one of the main reasons I’m so deep into CG right now is all thanks to Love Live. Now that I think about it, I would often get into friendly arguments with the same friend who got me interested into CG about the usual LL vs. iM@S debate and it’s funny how I moved over to the other side now and he became an Aqours fan instead, how the tables have turned as they say. This is just one of the silly reasons why I got into CG though, one of the main hook that got me was the anime which then eventually got me interested in all the idols (and seiyuu).
I know a lot of people dislike DereAni because of the emotional baggage and unnecessary drama it brings, but I personally really loved it and up until now I still rewatch it and get the same feelings like when I watched it for the first time. Through the anime, I feel like I got to see another part of the idols’ lives, personalities, and feelings that I didn’t get to see in the games or any other media. Because of the anime, I feel like I got a bit closer to Anya and I got to know her more since there is barely translated content for the CG games and it’s not only Anya, the same applies for all the other idols too.
I eventually found myself replacing my entire playlist full of Love Live! songs to all Cinderella Girls. I still remember the first song that got me hooked on their music was Rin’s version of S(mile)ING!, I couldn’t stop looping it for a couple of weeks until I found another song to listen to which was Yuubae Present (still remains to be one of my favorite songs until now). Shortly after that I got into more of the anime songs and the rest was history.
Which leads me to getting to know the seiyuu of Cinderella Girls, I genuinely want to get to know them better through whatever content is out there. Since I’m considerably a new fan, there is so much content to catch up on and I feel like I’ll never get tired about getting to know all of their unique and colorful personalities. I know it’s not humanly possible for me to actively support them all, but I still try what I can to appreciate the things they do (be it solo work or for CG) and do little things like watching anime they’re in or simply sending tweets of support to them. At the very least, I know a little bit of basic stuff about all the CGs from names/nicknames, the characters they voice, etc. so that’s something.
And now I’ve covered most stuff about myself and how I became a P, I’ll now talk about what really made me want to go to CG5th. To be honest, it was a far-fetched dream that I never knew would become a reality. My CG5th plans were already in the works as early as November 2016, nothing was announced back then but my desire to go to a CG live was so strong at the time that I didn’t care about the circumstances and just “yolo’d” it. I’ve read all of the writeups, tweets from the kaigai Ps who went to CG4th, I’ve seen the drawings from some Japanese Ps, and the seiyuu pictures and tweets from 4th which all the more fueled my desire to go. Before anything else was announced, I talked with Oxide about which places and dates that we could most likely go to and I told him that Osaka or Tokyo around July was the best possible scenario for me so I was planning somewhere around that. Fast forward to January 2017 (or was it February) when they announced the locations, dates, and performers for the first 3 stops which ruined all the planning that I had in mind. There was no ideal scenario for me, Anya was in the Sendai stop and it was happening as early as the 2nd week of May which I 100% couldn’t go to due to it being thesis period. The next one was the Ishikawa stop which had a lot of personal favorites in it but I wasn’t sure if it was something that I REALLY wanted to fly for so I decided to wait it out, the same goes for the Osaka stop. By the way, I was only limited to go to 1 stop of the whole tour so I really had to choose wisely on which stop did I want to fly for.
Ultimately, I wanted to have the best CG live experience so I decided to go in blindly for the SSA stop. I knew I couldn’t do this half-heartedly, that’s why as early as February (only the dates for SSA was announced this time), I already booked my flights in order to fully commit myself to it. It was a moment of no turning back, I figured that no matter what kind of crazy cast they put out, I would still like it. Honestly didn’t expect the cast to be so crazy that it had over 60 performers for a 2-day live, so even though there was no ideal scenario for me, I feel like this god-tier cast was enough to compensate for that. I could talk more about my “road to SSA” experience, but this post has already gotten crazy long so I will cut it off here.
To conclude this post, I hope that whoever is reading this got to know me a little bit better and how I ended up to where I am now. The next post, I will talk more about the “road to SSA”, CG5th buppan, and up until Day 1 of SSA maybe.
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