#OD WAS I SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pagodazz · 1 year

Text

SAM & THE CRANBERRIES

"Understand the things I say

Don't turn away from me

'Cause I've spent half my life out there

You wouldn't disagree"

Sam often has to explain himself to his family, he has to yell at the top of his lungs to be heard though. he could set boundary after boundary but no one ever actually listens to him.

"Do you see me, do you see?

Do you like me

Do you like me standing there?

Do you notice, do you know

Do you see me, do you see me?

Does anyone care?"

Sam often feels like he's invisible. I mean he's been using drugs since he was 12 years old, that does damage. And his mother nor father cared. They never stopped to pay attention and they expect him to just forgive them for everything.

And I mean obviously like the troubled, lonely teen he is, he forgives them.

"Unhappiness where's when I was young

And we didn't give a damn

'Cause we were raised

To see life as fun and take it if we can

My mother, my mother

She'd hold me

She'd hold me when I was out there

My father, my father

He liked me, well he liked me

Does anyone care?"

Sam's mother does love him, but In her own way. And it's not right. She's neglectful but only because she lets Sam do whatever he wants. She just wants him to be happy and she thinks she's doing the right thing.

The drugs are taking her son away but that's what Sam wants to do, and she doesn't want to stop him.

And Sam's father mourns the child he was never really there for. He LIKED Sam, he doesn't like him now. He spends the whole movie moaning and groaning over the fact Sam has piercings and blue hair. He wants to see the kid he left behind before he dies, but that kid doesn't exist anymore.

But that doesn't stop the dad from trying to force him to come back to life.

"Understand what I've become

It wasn't my design

And people everywhere think

Something better than I am"

There's a scene in the movie where Sam says this:

He doesn't want to be the way he is, but he really can't help it. He doesn't know what he's meant to do. All he's ever known was this life. He doesn't know how to fix it. How to fix himself.

After taking Sam for the summer, His dad freaks out over every minor thing Sam does. He expects Sam to get better INSTANTLY. but that's not even how it works.

Sam isn't going to become sober instantly and he isn't going to love his dad again immediately.

It's only after his father screams at him and throws him around, That Sam listens to him.

it wasn't out of respect or love, it was out of fear, and that's not right.

"But I miss you, I miss

'Cause I liked it

When I was out there

Do you know this, do you know

You did not find me

You did not find

Does anyone care?"

Sam misses the drugs, he misses not feeling. he misses the way he could just float through life.

Everyone in his life has done nothing but degrade drugs, when all he's tried to get them to understand is that the drugs were helping him in a way, and now that he's without them it hurts.

Even in the end, all of Sam's hard work is apparently all thanks to the dad. Which isn't true.

It's all thanks to Sam that he turned out okay. He did that all himself, and nobody cares.

#life as a house #sam monroe #hayden christensen #the cranberries #anakin skywalker #Spotify

69 notes · View notes

myfriendcallsmeasickwoman19 · 11 months

Text

Role Reversal

@smellofsnoww for you, ma'am

@irathgo

This was inspired by another post, which I'll tag after I find it.

****

Keir was shaken awake by the loud banging at his door. He had fallen asleep on the couch again. Evie meowed at him, taking a scared stance behind his table.

"It's ok girl, I'll see who it is." He said, trying to reassure her as he looked for his keys.

He caught a glimpse of his clock, it was 02am.

Keir shook his head, he found the keys already at the door, he unlocked it.

Theo stood at the door, well barely. He breathed heavily, hand to his rib, mostly beaten and chewed up.

He was obviously bleeding underneath his dark heavy coat.

"....can…I st…stay…th…the night…?" He asked, barely able to even talk.

Keir just moved to the side and Theo staggered inside. Keir quickly closed the door behind him.

He quickly rushed over to help Theo stay standing as he was looking close to keeling over.

Theo hissed, when he held his arm to keep him up, agitating the knife that might have punctured his lung.

Keir helped put the doctor on the couch.

Theo was holding back screams as every movement sent waves of pain around him. He tried to even his breathing so he wouldn't worsen the damage done by the knife.

Keir didn't say anything else, only rushing to get his first aid kit.

"What happened?" Keir finally spoke, while taking out the contents of the first aid box.

Theo shook his head, "first…" he motioned for the small knife.

"Be…rea…ready…pu…pull…it out." He huffed.

Keir nodded.

"Hands….wash…now…" Theo ordered, even though his voice was weaker it still had some strength to it.

Keir tsked but we to wash his hands as quickly as he could. He came back to Theo.

The young doctor was staying awake through sheer will but looked ready to pass out.

Theo nodded in approval. "... gloves…" he said again.

"I don't know if we have enough time for all this." Keir expressed, his monotone voice present even now. He still wore the gloves though. "You're bleeding on my couch."

"....go…od.." Theo continued, "now…clothes…"

Keir sighed shaking his head and moving over to slowly help Theo with his clothes.

First it was the large coat, it was supposed to be a lit brown but now was mixed with blood and mud.

Theo bit his lip, his body trembling from the pain.

"You know you're going to have to tell me who did this to you." Keir said, as he finished with the coat and put it to the side.

"....later…" Theo told him, he breathed a little heavy after that, but had to calm it when the pain spiked.

Keir shook his head, then helped Theo with his other layer. A simple dress shirt, that was now stained red from the blood, he carefully unbuttoned it and helped take it off him.

Keir could now see the obvious marks that showed what might have happened.

"ambush" Keir said,

"...focus…" Theo said, barely holding back his pain.

Keir listened, "what next?" He asked him.

"Painkillers?" Theo asked.

"I'd need to go find them," he looked outside.

Theo shook his head, "I'll…. have… to manage." He said.

Keir was unsure but didn't say anything, Theo knew better.

"Knife.." Theo said, "pull it out…. and stop any bleeding." His breaths were shallow.

Keir nodded, turning around to get a towel he had in the box.

Without hesitation Keir put his hand on the knife.

"Get ready." He warned Theo.

Theo gave a shaky thumbs up and readied himself.

Slowly Keir began to pull the knife out and Theo obviously wasn't enjoying it.

Theo wanted to get away from the pain that exploded but tried to keep himself still, K also held him back.

The young doctor held back screams, his mind getting muffled with nothing but pain. It felt like eternity as he pulled it out.

K kept a straight face though, when it was finally out Theo was thankful.

Keir placed the knife down then turned to Theo, he immediately dabbed some of the blood away.

Now came the hard part of stitches, Theo had a towel in his mouth, biting down as Keir stitched the wound closed.

In the end, Theo was still finding it hard to breathe, barely able to keep his eyes open.

"Needle," he said, not very aware at the moment, looking just ready to pass out.

Keir looked at him, a worried expression on his usually blank face. But now he was also confused.

Theo tapped a part of his chest, "air." He said, finding it hard to breathe.

Keir understood, he got an empty syringe and placed it on the spot, Theo tapped.

He was careful as he put it in, just as careful when he pulled the excess air out of Theo's lung.

Theo gasped, his eyes going wide. He involuntarily took in a deep breath but it was alright cause he could breathe again.

It still hurts but it was better.

He gave K a slight nod of thanks, before finally giving in and letting his eyes close.

Keir brushed the sweat from his face and pulled back the hair that got stuck. Theo was looking pale and tired. Well it's what you'd expect.

He was definitely in a fight, Keir noted. He took Theo's bruised knuckles and began to clean them. Bandaging them up, he applied ointment to the places he got hit that were obviously discolored.

This wasn't a fair fight, Theo isn't the most skilled but it's obvious he was targeted. Not for money or belongings, that's for sure, if that was the case he wouldn't be here.

Keir continued with the wound care until everything was treated. He wanted to put him in bed but wasn't sure if he should move him yet.

Theo didn't look so comfortable anyway, it's hard to be when you got stabbed and got treated without painkillers. But it's nearly nothing new.

He covered the young doctor and tried to put him in a comfortable position.

Right after that he went to look for some other things they might need and figure out who did this.

****

Keir came back hours later. He found the painkillers and antibiotics he might need.

"Ok so where's the patient." James asked, yeah he went to get him.

Keir walked into the apartment, James followed behind.

"Here," he said, sitting back on a chair a few feet away, watching them.

James nodded, imm sitting close to check on him. "isn't this your doctor friend?" James asked, still focused on work though.

Keir nodded, "he was a target." He said, his voice monotone as usual. "they weren't trying to be deadly at least."

"How do you know?" James asked.

"He's still alive isn't he?" He asked, "plus just a gun is enough or a bigger knife."

James turned to see the tiny knife on the table. He nodded.

Theo's breathing was a little labored and painful but he was alright. No fluid or air build up in his lungs.

"He seems fine enough." James said, it didn't sound like it was good news still.

"Come on." James said, "the couch is no place to rest for someone stabbed in the chest."

Keir stood up, he and James picked Theo up. The young doctor would only whimper and moan in pain. Then slowly laid him down and James made sure he was breathing alright.

James began to attach the IV bag to his wrist. Antibiotics and painkillers. Luckily he didn't lose so much blood to need a transfusion.

With his job done, James stood up. "You did a good job," he told Keir.

Keir was rubbing his hand across his knuckle, he was worried.

He didn't respond to James just looking at Theo.

"Be careful." James warned, noticing that look in Keir's eyes.

Keir nodded.

James sighed, "I'll come check on him tomorrow." He said, then left.

****

Theo moaned weakly, his eyes opening slowly. It all felt so fuzzy in his mind, he got attacked when walking to the apartment, they knew him and he had a feeling he knew who sent them.

His vision cleared and he realized he didn't dream that last part, he did walk to K's place, somehow. With that realization, the pain hit, it wasn't as terrible as he expected.

He finally also felt the needle poking his wrist, ok so he was on some painkillers, hopefully some antibiotics too.

He took note of things, paying attention to how he felt as he took a breath. Of course it hurt but everything was in order and he wasn't dying.

He felt the bandages wrapped around his chest, he lifted his hand and lightly felt them, they were done right and not too tight.

There was a small weight by his side, Theo looked to the side to see a small ball of fur.

He smiled at the sleeping kitten, reaching over to pet her. She probably thought it was K in bed this whole time. How long has he been asleep anyway?

The door clicked open and K walked in. He put his keys down.

"Good, you're awake." He said, walking over to the kitchen.

He always has some sixth sense about things. Theo wanted to ask him but he was finding it hard to let the words out.

"About half a day." Keir answered, "that's how long you were out." He turned and walked over to Theo with a glass of water.

Keir helped Theo drink the water and Theo thanked him with a nod.

"..re'd…you…go?" Theo asked, finally able to speak.

"Getting information," Keir answered.

He probably knows about all of it already. They should talk about what to do about this.

"We'll figure it out another day for now, take it slow." K said, "you can lay low here."

Theo nodded, that was a better idea.

A small meow came from the bed, Evie woke up. She yawned, he small mouth stretching as well as her black body. She made her way to Keir, he pet her for a moment. Before she turned back to Theo, rubbing her head against his fingers.

Theo smiled, petting her as she wanted. She began to purr the more he did it.

#whump #whump community #whumpee #caretaker #caretaker turned whumpee #whumpee turned caretaker #ambushed #stab wound #stabbed #breathing through the pain #keir #Theo #Keir #Dr Theodore Cranes #James #comfort at the end #cute kitten too

15 notes · View notes

ace-angel-judas · 8 days

Note

Imagine if Arabella ever visited Jungkook in prison in the yandere au

Arabella’s hands were shaking as she sat at the phone, staring at the glass. No one sat on the other side yet, they were still retrieving him.

Why was she here? Arabella didn’t fully know herself. She just needed.. closure. The therapist said that closure was the best way to start healing.

And Jungkook would be in prison for another eighteen years anyway, it had been two years since the incident. This was to help her.

Yet fire ignited in her body when he approached, the guard walking him to the booth. He was all too eager to sit down, quickly snatching up the phone.

Arabella took him in first, his hair was longer, he had more tattoos covering both his arms now. The orange prison outfit didn’t look half bad.

Slowly, Arabella picked up the phone.

“I missed you so much,” Jungkook breathed, “I knew you’d come see me,”

“T-this is going to be short, Jungkook,” Arabella exhaled in a rasp as she spoke.

“Short?” He chuckled, “Baby, I know you missed me too, that’s my hoodie,”

Her fingers dug into the fabric, she couldn’t take it off. Arabellla wore it everyday and she couldn’t really understand why. His musky scent no longer clung to it after all.

“It’s just a jumper,” Arabella whispered, “I have to ask you something-“

“Why did I murder all those people?” He asked, “You know why,”

“Jungkook-“

“Say my name, Baby Belle,” Jungkook purred, “And I might tell you exactly why I did it,”

Clearing her throat, Arabella whispered, “Kookie..,”

He moaned, actually moaned with his eyes rolling shut. Arabella ignored the way her thighs clenched and body heated at the sound.

“I missed the way you said my name, I miss the taste of your lips and the sweet sounds you make when I stuff you-“

“Kookie, why did you do it?!” Arabella snapped, clenching the phone, “Just tell me so I can move on!”

“They hurt you, baby,” Jungkook’s eyes turned dark, like a predator spotting prey, “I know about the locker room incident, I know about the girls that called you names and that dickhead who grabbed you, I told you I’d kill any fucker who’d mess with my girl,”

Arabella’s throat went dry, her face going pale. The signs were all there, Jungkook had voiced many times he’d kill for her. The first night they’d spent together had been an ode to that, he’d whispered it against her skin.

Jungkook was always a killer and Arabella still loved him.

She quickly placed the phone down, standing up as tears filled her eyes. Jungkook yelled, slamming against the glass window. Arabella gasped when it cracked slightly, three guards quickly apprehending her psycho ex-boyfriend.

“Arabella!” Jungkook yelled, “I love you!”

“We’re finished!” Arabella screamed back, “I’m not yours anymore!”

The next moment was like a string had snapped, Jungkook head butting one guard and kicking another. The third was punched, before he lunged for the glass.

She stood, never expecting him to break through it. Hands grabbed her arms, pulling her towards the man. Jungkook laughed, sinking his teeth into her shoulder where the jumper had pulled away and exposed skin.

Arabella screamed until he pulled away, blood on his lips.

“Try getting rid of me now, Baby Belle,” He cooed, “I’ll be forever in your skin,”

Multiple guards filled the room, prying her out of Jungkook’s grip and carrying her from the room.

2 notes · View notes

hellofanidea · 9 months

Note

OMG OMG PROMPT PROMPT! "hold unto me, i don't care if you mess up my shirt" but for the plu horror timeloop bastogne funsies! au bc. well. we both know what happens when They hold on too tight 👀👀👀👀

I have to apologize both for how late and how short this is, but despite my love for this AU I’m really not a horror writer so I really struggled to do any of this justice! Regardless, I hope you enjoy it. Content warning for gore under the cut.

***

The first time she hoisted him onto her back, it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Even with the weight of him, as much as her again despite his height, it felt good, it felt right, his front fitting to her back and his head slotting onto her shoulder like a missing puzzle piece.

She didn’t have time to dwell on it.

“Hold on, jus’ hold onto me,” Morse panted, trying to get a good hold of his legs and run at the same time. He gurgled something in her ear, strained and concerned. “I don’t care if you mess up my shirt.”

Another gurgle, some sick imitation of a laugh. His hands were getting loose on her chest, and she could feel the warm, wet, patch of blood growing against the back of her ODs, seeping through.

That thing, whatever it was, had ripped him open, torn into him with what looked like its bare hands. It had clawed at his chest, but had found the best purchase in his belly, and by the time Morse had fired off enough shots to get rid of it, it had practically laid him open.

She had never seen a creature like it.

It had moved in a scuttle, low and fast, just a shadow in the fog and snow. Her first thought had been an animal, but it couldn't have been. Not even in those woods.

She didn't know any kind of animal with two heads.

Foster's grip began to tighten impossibly around her. His hands had dropped to loosely damgle in front of her, but now it felt like he was trying to force his shoulders into hers. His legs were tightening too, squeezing around her middle until they were painfully dug in.

"Shit, Art-" Morse wheezed, faltering in her quick march through the snow. "I got you, ease up, I got you-"

Her voice choked, the breath struggling to rise from her lungs. Her boot tangled in something buried in the snow and she pitched forward, landing heavily on her hands and knees. Foster’s breath on her cheek had stopped, but the warmth along her back kept growing, seeping deeper until it was too hot, until it almost burned.

The vice grip around her tightened and tightened until dark spots began to dance in front of her. An awful noise, a popping and tearing, split the air as she tried to scream.

She woke up in her foxhole.

For a moment she thought she still couldn't breathe, but that was just the weight of Foster against her. He had slid down from her shoulder in the night to rest on her chest.

Groaning, Morse rolled him off, taking long, deep breaths, even as the cold air stung her nose. That had felt excruciatingly real. She didn't like how vivid her dreams were becoming out here, not when reality had such a hazy veil over it.

"Nightmare?" Mumbled Foster.

His eyes were still shut, his body curled up tight to preserve warmth and sleep.

Morse just grumbled and shuffled back down beside him. His breath was on her face again, hot and as rancid as anyone's by now, but there wasn't that metallic smell to it that had been in her dream. She refused to think of it as comforting because of that.

"What time's it?" Foster asked in that same mumble, though he had already slung his arm across the front of her chest to hold her to him.

Looking through the branches of their cover, Morse tried to assess the same white sky as every morning. She had a watch, but the energy it would take to actually check it from under the blanket was beyond her. It didn't matter anyway. Somebody would come get them when it was time for chow, or a patrol, or whatever fresh horror these woods had waiting for them.

Yesterday it had been Martin, with orders for them to go find Third and look for supplies.

That brought Morse's mind back to the dream, the endless woods and the two-headed monster, and she tried to push it away in favor of that thread of sleep still wrapped around her.

She dropped off without ever actually answering Foster, and both of them were woken some time later by a voice at the edge of their foxhole.

"Alright, time to shake the lead out." It was Martin again. Morse tried to be charitable to his lack of originality - it felt like he said the same thing every time he was the one getting them up. "Got a job for you both. Need you try and find your way to Third and see what they have spare."

#plu horror timeloop #nathan writes #i hope this captures something of this au <3

5 notes · View notes

lucyintheskeye · 5 months

Text

i have five pages left in the journal i've been using since 2020:

page 50ish: i take so many deep breaths i worry my lungs will burst and then i can take zero deep breaths so how will i cope?

page 75ish: every fallen eyelash taped down until i became very worried with how many i was losing so i stopped

about a hundred in is an ode to the rock that lives in my throat: i live with this rock and it has made me its home

halfway is a list of dreams: i was in a room and the whole room turned into the ocean, i died and went to a mall, i ran around the neighborhood peeking into people's houses,

twenty more pages and there's no one has kissed my face as tenderly as my tears do

there's a sad clown drawing, a self-portrait of sorts

little ants march up and down, whispers and stomps reminding me all that i am not and all that i am wasting/ i'll say it, the pathetic scream of a hoarse and raw throat, used too many shameful and selfish times...

maybe two thirds of the way is a dream i had; i was on a cliff and there were bouquets of orange and pink flowers everywhere. i fell off, into the water and sunk down, down, down. i thought i was going to drown.

last night, with five pages to spare: i've always picked the speed of my handwriting over the look. i guess i'm always running out of time.

#not poetry #poetry

2 notes · View notes

sunflowersanddaydreamsingreen · 2 years

Text

TW OD, death, unalive reference

I wish your suicide hadn’t been so slow.

I want that for you

just as much as I wish you weren’t dead.

What kind of hell did you run through?

Did you laugh in the flames or did your heart break?

Were you having the time of your life or watching your life slip away?

I don’t even want to know anymore.

I got 3/4 of an answer last night at work and threw up in the parking lot.

I didn’t recognize your ghost anymore.

Do you see your reflection when you look at yourself over my shoulder

in my bathroom mirror?

I want to break it into twice as many pieces as my heart.

Instead I take a sharpie and write

“You are a goddess and you bow to no one”

across my forehead in the glass.

I can get it off later if I scrub hard enough,

if my brain convinces my heart of my mortality again.

I don’t know what I believe anymore.

That will happen when the dead sends you 27 sunflowers.

I don’t know how to live like this.

Everyone has a suggestion or a fix and none of them fit

the way the sunflowers in the tea pot on my altar do.

I took your picture down, moved it to the shrine of the dead

and lit a candle underneath.

I have heard that to blow out a flame is disrespectful,

but I did it anyway when I couldn’t bear to see your face in the light anymore.

What do you call it when you hit rock bottom and keep going?

I don’t want the answers but the questions linger on my tongue

like the orange market spice that I drink every day

just to feel you close to me again.

My stomach is the closest thing I have to a heart these days.

Maybe that’s why the moments that really hit me

make me feel like throwing up.

I want to purge the reality out of my body

but I don’t know how to write about anything other than death anymore.

I stand behind the cash register reciting your epithet to customers under my breath.

I sit next to the ice cooler where no one can see me and I cry.

I “fake it until I make it” through a 3 hour long panic attack.

I miss our old friends.

I want to hear your name from someone else’s mouth,

but when he walked up to buy his milk and bread

after three years of being forgotten,

it almost put me into the grave right next to you.

I raged for the rest of the night.

I cried in the candy isle where there are no cameras.

I screamed inside my lungs until there was no more air,

until I sat gasping on the floor next to a mug of dandelion tea

that I brewed to give me strength on my first day of my new job.

I wonder what the night would have been like if I just had water.

When we closed I scoured the internet for your records,

trying to learn why you were ordered back into the rooms.

Instead I found your middle name.

Did you see your reflection over my shoulder

as I wiped the mascara from my face in the men’s room.

I left my sharpie at home so the only thing I saw in the mirror was your shadow.

I don’t want to know anymore.

I don’t want to know where you went or who you went with.

I don’t want to know how many times you ODed before it killed you.

I don’t want to know what her name was or how long it took you to die.

I just want to know you’re ok now,

the Nick I held too long that last Thursday night.

If you’ve found your smile again,

send me another sunflower.

#12 steps #narcotics anonymous #overdose #cult #Cult survivor #cults #death #death poem #death poetry #love poem #love poetry #love quotes #love letter: my true feelings #love lessons #love letters

17 notes · View notes

journalofagirl-escapingthevoid · 7 months

Text

An Ode to My Youth:The Rebellious Youth

It’s early morning, the world is dark and asleep, everything is quiet and peaceful. There’s not a cloud in the sky and the breeze is still warm from the days summer sun. It’s the perfect night to sneak out and star gaze with your best friend. The two of you are laying on the grass and everything is calm, in the background ‘Sweet Disposition’ is playing and you feel like everything in your life has led up to this moment. You look over at her soft face glowing in the moonlight, her eyes shining, and you say,

“If I died right now, I would be happy”.

And suddenly you’re both screaming out your lungs full of deep emotion.

That’s youth.

Living in the hope that things will stay like that forever. That you will never grow up and lose your friends. No fear of death, no fear of anything. It’s just you against the world.

Thirsty and hungry for freedom, tasting values and loosing innocence, smoking cigarettes, not knowing a thing about the future but yet thinking we know everything. No one can tell us how to be. Skipping school, staying up until 2am, going to parties, getting drunk and trying drugs. Youth is full of many firsts. It’s full of experiementing, growing and developing. It’s a time to rebel and learn who you are. The period of time between childhood and adulthood, where you learn what life is and how to live it.

Adventures you couldn’t dare to tell your parents about. Doing anything to escape the highway and gain a sense of belonging. Dreaming of running away and getting out of your hometown. Leaving home in the early morning to go on trips, finding the ‘next spot’, the next thrill. Lying about where you are and who you are with and somehow always getting away with it.

Going through youth, becoming angry. Angry at your parents, your friends, your siblings. Angry at the world. You’ve learnt that this is a cruel place, you’ve lost your innocence and you’re longing for it back. To not know of hurt and harm. Starting to be ignorant - ignorance is bliss after all.

I’ve always been scared of getting old and boring, but no one says you have to. Looking back on the past and thinking,

“Wow I was so young”.

But… I am still young and youthful.

When does youth really end?

I don’t think youth is an age, I believe it’s an experience that is in the heart.

I choose to live in the exerperience of youth forever.

#youth #party #young #writers on tumblr #writers #deep thoughts #writing #writer things

1 note · View note

theryetzone · 1 year

Text

to the dead girl

Alright...

I'mma be honest now, but not that I haven't. Mama, be a witness to this from up north in Heaven. I might have to list out the reasons on why I've been stressing, the reasons I am a mess in this life that I'm trapped in.

Cause ever since you--

Ever since I arose from my deathbed, and it must've been the second or third that I felt bubble-wrapped in, troubled as sins running back forth, up and down like the flapping of bat wings... I've discovered I'm left where there's no one left in.

And I'm writing on the road, hoping I don't have to get in a crash, in... a vicious cycle of my daily batshitty happenings. And, mostly, because I'm as dead as I have been.

Why d'you have to go and--

Fuck, I've been planning and plotting on having this maddening shit stopping by axing me in half with these naxs that I'm snacking on, a bunch at a time like there's no meds that could get this on a better level of efficiency, I'm depressed and headed on a path towards my death, read that and then play These Bones.

It's not your fault, that's why I'm scrapping most of what I'm having written down, but kept this on flowing cause I'm throwing the facts until I get dethroned... By my own bare-- Shit, set the tone!

And ever since you--

Ever since you bled, this ain't home. Nothing left of me, gone, all except for this dome in my fair share of spirit zone.

Then I look at my other dead friends, and I'm like... I don't know what I'm like. Then I look at my mama, my grandma, that woman, that man or that loner that can't get up or keep up, goner as can be with both feet stuck on a land where there's no--

Fucking hell, not again, this was supposed to be personal...

Your death makes me wanna scream. And I do, from the deepest core of my stomach, but in silence. It makes me numb myself from shit I wasn't even feeling anymore anyway, like alive. Fuck the grammar rules, the rhyming, the "let's keep it on the low, no one will get it" because... If I purposely laid down to rest tonight or unintentionally fell tomorrow, at least...

At least now I vented at least half on how even our songs make me sick. And they're everywhere. And you're nowhere, but everywhere. My teeth are getting sharper, wolflike, cause I've been grinding them every other *moment*. You die and I'm the one who can't rest, who can't be in peace. Fuck, fuck you, but I'm sorry.

I feel like ouroboros, only negatively. Like I'm in a loop of trying to self destruct, but I can't because... I'm confined to eternity, even after my physical death. So it's a... sick, filthy spectacle of pain, pleasure from numbness, airless lungs and... either an empty life filled with empty people, empty drugs to get my system full of shit, lead to an OD, or... I don't fucking know.

All my dead ones, including my mom and you, must be very angry at me lately. For the intents, the attempts, the... whole fuckery.

But God bless the dead, I love you. All.

#depression #venting #light my way #ayala #dear mama #only a crack #my tourniquet #brmptnckctl #s word #sos #isanybodythere

0 notes

thepermanentrainpress · 2 years

Text

UNDER THE RADAR: JULY 2022

July’s Under the Radar brings new releases from Josh Bogert , Burning Juniper, Madame Daley, mekel, Fairything, and Jonah Ocean.

1) Josh Bogert - “Dreams”

Bogert is my local go-to fix for fresh pop/electronic that makes me want to dance, and “Dreams” is no exception. It is a reflective piece after the loss of a partner – “about finding a happy moment within a more tragic story.” Details of moments from time together that seem insignificant (“you’re still getting ready in my bathroom mirror”) draw empathy towards the narrator; we’re privy to the love shared. Self-produced, his use of keys, guitar and production is uplifting while beckoning to days past. His tone is excellent in carrying the song’s ebb and flow, and while amplified by the final cut’s production, I can also see it being performed well in a stripped down acoustic setting.

The music video (directed by Mark Gustov of Creation Station) was shot in Tofino, the perfect west coast, lush scenery for Bogert’s dialogue. “Dreams” is about a special location, person, and chasing a feeling that can never be replaced.

youtube

Written by: Chloe Hoy

2) Burning Juniper - “She Changes The Weather”

Feel lost in starry and downcast eyes, it’s not a difficult feat in “She Changes The Weather.” Like an ode to growing apart and the deviation that can’t be ignored in a relationship, out emerges the bittersweet indie rock cut. It’s reminiscent in few words, a tad lethargic but oh so sentimental in sound. Framed by “guitar-driven, post-punk hooks,” it is well-paced with hollered vocals that swell in anticipation. The impact of another is felt beyond a separation, continuing to alter our environment and the way we see the world. I sensed both resentment and appreciation, although the former may take precedent.

I can hear the reproach in the words – a connection to the music and each other years beyond the band’s young tenure. An impressive debut and showcase of awareness, there’s much promise for the South East London rockers.

Written by: Chloe Hoy

3) Madame Daley - “Annie, Sing Your Heart out Anyway”

What do you get when you mix a theatrical show-tune approach to music, with the gut and heart of a voice like Duffy or Pat Benatar? You get Madame Daley, the intersection of glam, rock, and feminist empowerment. Celebrating the release of Classic, her first EP, comes the release of the track “Annie, Sing Your Heart out Anyway.”

Daley’s vocals are alluring and deep. Accompanied by a constant thrum of the guitar, and slappy, punchy drums, this song is a lesson in pop-rock. It’s a rumbling, heart-felt romp in music. A joyful ode to her “badass” and tone-deaf grandmother, “Annie, Sing Your Heart out Anyway” feels like dancing in your bedroom, screaming your favourite retro tunes at the top of your lungs without a care in the world. The track is so fun to listen to, and possesses a quality I value when it comes to music—the ability to sing along to it. It’s actually a rarer quality than you’d think!

Written by: Alexa Tarrayo

4) mekel - “Would-Be Memories”

Caught in the thick of heartache, and the opportunity to rediscover oneself. mekel – the moniker of Montreal-based Mickey Green – co-wrote “Would-Be Memories” with Eli Garlick after ending a long-term relationship marred by infidelity. Her soft vocals glide over playful electronics, accentuated at just the right moments and easy to get lost in.

The lilting pop tune has a confident delivery despite a bittersweet pulse: “You take the sting out of every lie, then fake a smile for the last time / I’m like a kid waving goodbye to a clown.” It recognizes that some connections are best left in the past. Buy yourself a bouquet of roses and promise yourself forever, instead.

youtube

Written by: Natalie Hoy

5) Fairything - “Desperate & Dazed”

Are you addicted to the playful, sing-song tracks from cartoons like Steven Universe and My Little Pony (Generation 4, obviously)? Then you need to listen to this tune from Fairything. It highlights the best of the bitpop genre, bringing forward simple yet impactful lyrics enveloped with jingly synth and omnichord progression.

I think “Desperate & Dazed” is exactly what folks into this genre will love. It is a relatable piece about, from my perspective, manic manipulation and love-ridden submission. Although the track doesn’t address anyone in particular, it feels like a cry for help against love or life itself. Even so, it's swathed in a cutesy, innocent soundscape that adds to the chaos and hopelessness of the track’s narrative. The track also feels raw and not overproduced. You can tell that this piece means a lot to Fairything as an artist. Those are the best tracks to get stuck in your ear—and trust me, with this one, you will.

Written by: Alexa Tarrayo

6) Jonah Ocean - “Demons”

There’s an alleviating quality in “Demons” despite the darker subject matter. Playing with the concept of duality, the artist finds space to pull in mythical folklore steeped in corruption and death—whilst invoking wonder in an oscillating soundscape. Inspired by his own experience with mental health and isolation during the pandemic, there is an enduring fear and desperation felt (“I just wanna feel alright”). Sonically, the layered synths, vocal harmonies and percussion textures are transcendent together; an effervescent quality that almost made me forget of the pained origins. I like the creativity in an alternative meets electronic genre that is fast-paced and constantly innovating.

"Demons” surrenders to the light and dark, allowing a certain relief in its alluring wake. The Vancouver-based artist’s self-produced debut EP Swimming is due for release this September.

Written by: Chloe Hoy

#Under The Radar #Music #new music #feature #Chloe #mekel #Mickey Green #Burning Juniper #Jonah Ocean #Josh Bogert #Canadian Music #Vancouver #yvr #Natalie #Strut Entertainment #Fairything #Madame Daley #Alexa

0 notes

delphoxqueen · 2 years

Text

Howleen Wolf’s Diary- Wave 3 (2011)

{Go to the bottom of the page for the actual diary pages!}

This Diary Belongs to:

Howleen Wolf

No, you can’t read my diary… duh!

Name: Howleen Wolf

School: Monster High

On the 20th of July

Clawd got to go away to football camp, Clawdeen got to go to Gloom Beach with Draculaura and Frankie on the Stein family vacation, and I have to stay at home this summer cause my parents think I’ve got some “growing up to do.” It is so not scare! I’m just as mature as Clawd and Clawdeen. I hardly ever chew anything I’m not supposed to anymore, Clawdeen says I don’t take showers but that’s not true- I just don’t take them as long as she does! I don’t think age has anything to do with being mature either cause I have this friend who is a gargoyle and she’s like way older than me- okay well it’s not like gargoyles count their birthdays the same way as werewolves do but she is totally not mature. I mean she likes a new boy like almost every day and most of them are not even that cute. I would never do that- you know not like a boy if he wasn’t cute cause I would so like a boy who was sweet and nice to me even if he wasn’t totally creepy cute. I can keep secrets too which my other friend who’s a banshee can’t do. If you tell her something, she like screams it out at the top of her lungs. Even Clawdeen totally treats me like I’m still a little cub. Not only did she take all of her most creepy cool clothes with her to Gloom Beach but she also put a lock and chain on her closet. Whatever… I’m going to sleep in her bed and eat all the snacks she left in her mini-fridge. Then I’m going to let every monster know how miserable I am by not talking for the rest of the summer. Yeah, that’ll really show mom and dad how mature I am.

On the 25th of July

Ode to Cushion.

Cushion is my hedgehog. She is sharp and poky. Cushion eats worms. My sister thinks eating worms is gross. My sister has to leave the room when I feed Cushion. Would you like another worm? Good Cushion. The End.

On the 30th of July

Some days I wish I had a remote control that let me change the channel on my style- cause right now I feel like I’m totally stuck watching the same lame… lol that rhymed… show over and over. When we were Cubs, Clawdeen I could watch the same episode of a TV show over and over and never get bored. I can still quote entire shows by heart and sometimes just saying a random line like, “Well, it’s certainly uncontaminated by cheese,” can make us laugh till we howl if I say it at the right time. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the remote control. I’d love to change the channel on the show my hair is starting in, because I really hate how it ends. Oh well, hopefully dying it orange to go with my favorite color of blue will make it easier to watch. Now I just have to decide do I turn up the volume to 10 by combining Stripes and plaids or maybe I’ll mix a jean vest, knee socks and hiking boots with one of Clawdeen’s haunt couture skirts and make it go to 11.

On the 1st of August

Clawdeen came home today and she actually gave me a hug when she saw me. I guess I kind of missed her a little, or maybe a lot, too. She is my big sis after all, even if she is a pain in the fang sometimes.

On the 18th of August

I was in a boo funk this morning and I must have sighed one to many times cause Mom told me if I was going to mope around the house and get in her way then I either had to grab a broom and help her clean or go mope somewhere else. I think “mope” is a funny word… it sounds like it could be a character in a cub’s book… “There once was a mope who wouldn’t use soap and though its mom begged it always said, “Nope.” So I took my mope and went to the Maul. I didn’t really have enough money to buy anything cool but I went anyway. Going to the Maul always makes Clawdeen happy doesn’t matter if she’s by herself or in a group. It only makes me happy if I’m hanging out there with my friends- who were all doing something else today. I saw Heath Burns and Deuce haunting out but I only said “Hi”. Deuce is cool but Heath is… Heath. Clawdeen says Heath’s like a stray puppy; “If you feed him anything he’ll follow you home.” So I kept on walking and didn’t stop to talk. I looked through a few shops and was going to head home when I walked by the music store and heard some monster playing a guitar. It sounded pretty clawsome and I just had to go in and check it out. What was even more clawsome was that it was a ghoul who was playing. I was totally staring at her… lame I know, but honest to claw it was like some kind of magic spell… okay it was still lame to stare. Then she turned around and caught me staring. I thought she was going to be mad but instead she waved me over. I found out that her name is Operetta and that she is going to be starting at Monster High in the fall. Her hair is redder than mine and she’s got this creepy cool beauty mark on the left side of her face that goes all the way down her arm. She also has this accent that’s a total howl. I asked if she would teach me how to play but she said “No.” I was disappointed but she explained that she loved playing and singing more than anything and if I took lessons from her she would expect me to love it as much as she did. She told me that she didn’t think I was at that place yet but she did show me a few cords and I picked up what she taught me pretty quick. I did sign up for a week of free lessons at the music store and who knows, maybe it’ll be something that I really love doing and not just because it makes me stand out from the other monsters I know.

On the 21st of August

At soccer practice today a ghoul who played on a Werewolf cup team came and played a practice game with us. She was really creepy cool and a scary good player. She was so good that I was only able to steal the ball from her a couple of times during the game. After practice was over our coach asked her to talk to the team and give us some pointers. When she was done talking and the team was leaving she and the coach called me over. I thought I must have done something wrong but she just wanted to tell me that I had a lot of talent and could be a really great player if I kept working hard. Then my coach told me that I was already a better soccer player than Clawdeen was at my age. I don’t think my feet touched the ground all the way home. No monster has ever told me that I was better than my sister at anything. Well, technically my parents are always telling me that I’m the best at being who I am and that Clawdeen could never beat me at being me but that’s totally different. Anyway, I was planning on telling the story to the whole family over dinner just so I could see the look on Clawdeen’s face but somehow it didn’t feel right to do that so I kept it to myself. When dinner was over, Clawdeen and me had to clean up and right in the middle of doing dishes she told me that she ran into coach at the Maul. Then she said, “He told me he thinks you could be a better player than me if you keep working hard.” The next thing I thought she was going to say was something like, “Over my cold dead spikes.” Only that’s not what she said at all. Instead she kind of smiled and said, “Well duh, tell me something I didn’t know.” I must have looked like a wolf caught in the moonlight cause then she said, “What?” “It’s not like he said you had a sense of fashion or anything.” Then I squirted her with the sink sprayer, which started a massive water fight. Clawd came in right in the middle to try and “alpha” us into stopping. It worked. We stopped attacking each other and started soaking him. It took us an extra hour to mop up, but it was so much fun. I don’t know what could have happened to make Clawdeen change so much over one summer.

On the 31st of August

I love our family cookouts. It’s one of my favorite things we do in the summer because all of my older brothers and sisters who’ve moved out, and have their own families now, show up will all of my nieces and nephews. There are Cubs running everywhere, kisses and hugs, laughing and crying and sometimes you have to yell just to be heard. It’s crazy chaotic and a howling good time! The food is amazing too and there’s lots and lots of it. Draculaura usually comes over too which might seem strange that a vampire would come to a werewolf gathering but she’s such a part of the family that when she doesn’t show up to one of our cookouts everyone is bummed she’s not there. My dad even leaves part of the grill open for her tofu hotdogs, which aren’t bad if you put enough batchup, monstard and onions on them to disguise the taste of the tofu :). We also have a monster softball game in the open field behind our house. This year we played until it was almost dark, and the stars were just coming out; then they started coming down! We all ran to the house and grabbed blankets and sleeping bags and ran back out and just lay there watching them fall. You’re supposed to be able to make wishes on falling stars and they’ll come true, but there were so many falling that I ran out of wishes for real things and started wishing for silly things. I hope wishing that ice cream would appear every time I snap my fingers doesn’t cancel out my wish for perfectly straight hair. Oh well, it’s probably not likely either wish would ever come true but it was fun to hang out on a perfect night and pretend someday they might. Hee hee another rhyme.

About Me

Name: Howleen Wolf

Age: 14

Monster Parent: The Werewolf

Killer Style: I like to call the way I dress “were-punk”. It’s like taking lots of different styles and mashing them together to make something totally new and creepy cool. Clawdeen says it looks like I got dressed in the dark but I like it and that’s all that matters to me.

Freaky Flaw: My hair. Sometimes it does what I want, sometimes it does what it wants and sometimes it does things that make both of us look bad.

Pet: Cushion is my pet hedgehog. She may be a little prickly on the outside but she’s really sweet on the inside and that’s what matters.

Favorite Activity: I love playing soccer. It’s so much fun!

Biggest Pet Peeve: When I get treated like the little sister. I mean I am the little sister but I’m not a baby anymore.

Favorite School Subject: I kind of like math and sometimes history but biteology is cool too.

Least Favorite School Subject: Sometimes my favorite Subject one day is my least favorite the next day. Weird huh?

Favorite Color: It kind of depends on the day.

Favorite Food: Hotdogs.

BFF’s: Clawdeen Wolf and Abbey Bominable

#monster high #monsterhigh #monster high dolls #mhdiaries #operetta x howleen #monster high howleen #howleen wolf

25 notes · View notes