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thebibliosphere · 3 years

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I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

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*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

#adhd #not a doctor #just a sick person with lots of lived experience

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wordsnstuff · 3 years

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10 Mistakes to Avoid When Writing About Mental Illness

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Reinforcing Stereotypes

This goes without saying, but neurodivergent people (and characters) each experience and cope with their mental illnesses differently. Schizophrenia is not simply hallucinations. Depression is not simply feeling suicidal. Anxiety is not simply consistent fear or unease. Your character, depending on what causes/triggers their symptoms, will present their mental illnesses differently, both on the inside and outside. A person’s experience of mental illness is affected by their environment, their background, their priorities, their personality, and their other struggles. Reflect this in their story, rather than reading a long list of general symptoms and checking them off in your draft.

1 Symptom Sally

Mental illness affects every aspect of an individual’s life. It’s more complicated and far-reaching than simply “having a harder time than everyone else”. Depression, for instance, is frequently portrayed with an acute emphasis on the symptoms of fatigue, lack of motivation, and sadness. However, depression has a lot of symptoms that many aren’t aware are connected to the illness, such as executive dysfunction, irritability, and sickness. Even those with a general diagnosis of a mental illness aren’t going to have that diagnosis just because they feel sad a lot of the time. There must be more, and it must be shown.

Romanticizing Suicide

There’s a delicate balance between depicting the reality and gravity of suicidal thoughts/ideation and making it sound appealing. If you’re reading a story, narrated by a character who has suicidal tendencies, it’s inevitable that their thought process will justify or rationalize those thoughts. Approach this with care, and remember that as a writer, you have influence over your readers (whether intentionally or not), and you should prioritize the responsibility you have to avoid romanticizing suicide over the task of portraying it accurately. Some things simply hurt more than they help.

Generalizing Experiences

Mental illness is inconsistent. Some people display two or three symptoms that are easily recognized, but some experience symptoms most don’t even associate with those illnesses at all. For example, generalized anxiety disorder can present in individuals with a more physically debilitating set of effects, rather than primarily manifesting in feelings of fear or unease. Yes, anxiety is the state of being anxious, but it can also be sensory overload, executive dysfunction, flu-like illness, and fatigue. Every mental illness is unique to the individual who struggles with it, so be aware that your characters should be representing that reality as well.

Ignoring Coping Mechanisms

Most people who have a mental illness that has progressed to the point of seeking a diagnosis and perhaps treatment have established various levels of coping mechanisms. These can be things like substance abuse or self harm, but they can also be more subtle, like hyper-fixation on media they like or excessive reliance on friends or family. If you’re going to write a character with a mental illness, you should know what they have to do to get through the day. What exercises have they adopted to adapt to their situation? What effect have these mechanisms had on their lifestyle and relationships?

Illnesses Having No Effect On Relationships

Mental illness, especially after having struggled with them for a long period, affects who we are, how we behave and interact, and changes our priorities and thought process. It’s inevitable that it will impact our relationships with other people. In order to accurately depict this experience, you have to also know the characters on the other side, who are maintaining a relationship with your neurodivergent character. What are their thoughts on mental health? How well do they understand what your character is experiencing? Are they more likely to want to be there for or distance themselves from the character because of their mental illness? Strain on relationships can be a very distinct part of a neurodivergent person’s experience with mental illness, and it’s important to represent that. The stigma is still very real and shows up regularly, even in little ways, and in a more accommodating world.

Extreme Cases Only

Some people experience mental illness on a chronic level, others do not. There’s Seasonal Affective Disorder, which tends to only present symptoms in certain periods of the year for various reasons, for example. It could be classified as a “less severe” form of depression, and it’s very common. Not all depression is the same, and it doesn’t always result in severe cases of suicidal ideation or self harm. If you only depict characters in the most extreme cases, who experience their symptoms at the highest level at all times, you may be reinforcing stereotypes about neurodivergence that have taken decades to dismantle. Not everyone with mental illness has an extreme case, and pretending they do can reinforce the idea that all neurodivergent people are “crazy”.

Good Days vs. Bad Days

Neurodivergent individuals usually experience their symptoms on a wide spectrum of severity. There are good and bad days, and everything in between. Sure, some days, one may experience virtually no symptoms and be very happy and productive, and be totally unable to maintain their composure on others. However, the majority of the time is occupied by a middle ground. Days where a person isn’t constantly on the verge of a panic attack, but they struggle to accomplish their typical agenda, and they feel a variety of symptoms at noticeable, but more manageable level. Symptoms can also intensify steadily and endure for variable periods of time.

Curing Mental Illness With Romance

Let me say this clearly, and insist you don’t argue: mental illness cannot be cured by a relationship. I admit that new relationships or positive attention can offset symptoms, but if a character’s mental illness (such as depression or anxiety) miraculously resolves because a new partner comes into their life, they either weren’t mentally ill in the first place, or you have misunderstood mental illness. There can be months or even years where someone can go without experiencing their symptoms at a noticeable level, but they will always be neurodivergent, and a new partner isn’t going to change that. That portrayal minimizes the experience of mental illness and trivializes symptoms people suffer with every single day. Do not do this. Please. Just don’t. You can say your character has prolonged period of sadness, but you cannot slap the word “depression” on them, then have all their symptoms disappear because they’ve got a hot date.

Not Every Illness Is Caused By Trauma

This is simply a point of knowledge more writers should have a grasp of. Mental illness can be caused by genetics, chemical imbalances, deficiencies, severe and prolonged stress, longterm health conditions, social isolation or loneliness, etc. It’s natural that in a fictional story where mental illness may be an important aspect, that trauma is one of the more sensational causes to apply to your character, but if you have a cast with diverse experiences of neurodivergence, it’s unlikely that all of them will have a basis in trauma. Neurodivergence is not a one-size-fits-all.

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sciencespies · 3 years

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What Happens When Scientists Become Allergic to Their Research

https://sciencespies.com/nature/what-happens-when-scientists-become-allergic-to-their-research/

What Happens When Scientists Become Allergic to Their Research

Bryan Fry’s heart was pounding as he stepped back from the snake enclosure and examined the bite marks on his hand. He had just been bitten by a death adder, one of Australia’s most venomous snakes. Its neurotoxin-laced bite could cause vomiting, paralysis and — as the name suggests — death.

Fry, at the time a graduate student, had kept snakes for years. Oddly, the neurotoxins weren’t his biggest worry; the nearby hospital would have the antivenom he needed, and, although data is limited, people who receive treatment generally survive. Anaphylactic shock, on the other hand, might kill him within minutes.

“Anaphylactic shock is the single worst feeling you can possibly imagine,” recalled Fry, now a biologist at the University of Queensland in Australia. “It is just insane. Every cell in your body is screaming out in mortal terror.”

Fry, who had spent his life admiring and eventually studying venomous snakes, had become deathly allergic to them.

Bryan Fry observes a cobra on a trip to Pakistan. He is now deathly allergic to snake venom.

(Courtesy of Bryan Fry)

While most cases are not so extreme, anecdotal reports and expert analysis suggest that it is far from rare for scientists, students, and laboratory technicians to develop allergies to the organisms they study. Perversely, some allergy researchers say, it is the researchers’ passion for their subjects — the close observation, the long hours of work each day, and the years of commitment to a research project — that puts them at such high risk.

“It is true that some things cause allergies more often than others, but the biggest factor is the frequency of the interaction with the study organism,” said John Carlson, a physician and researcher at Tulane University who specializes in insect and dust mite allergies. “You probably have about a 30 percent chance of developing an allergy to whatever it is that you study.” While data is limited, that estimate is in line with research on occupational allergies, which studies suggest occur in as many as 44 percent of people who work with laboratory rodents, around 40 percent of veterinarians, and 25 to 60 percent of people who work with insects.

Federal guidelines suggest that laboratories have “well-designed air-handling systems” and that workers don appropriate personal protective equipment, or PPE, in order to reduce the risk of developing an allergy. However, interviews with researchers and experts suggest that there may be little awareness of — or adherence to — guidelines like these. For scientists working with less-common species and those engaged in fieldwork, information on what exactly constitutes appropriate PPE may be very limited.

Many researchers, perhaps especially those who do fieldwork, are used to being uncomfortable in service of their work, Carlson points out. “I think that a lot of researchers are so interested in the process of the research,” he said, “that they aren’t really considering the long-term effects that it could have on them.”

In general, allergies develop when the immune system overreacts to a substance that is usually harmless, or relatively harmless. The immune system monitors the body for potentially dangerous invaders like bacteria, fungi, and viruses. Sometimes, for reasons that are not well understood, the immune system identifies something benign, like pollen or animal dander, as dangerous. To help mark the intruder, a person who has become sensitized in this way produces antibodies, or types of proteins, to identify it.

When that person comes into contact with the substance again, the antibodies flag it as an invader. As part of the response, immune cells release compounds like histamine, which irritate and inflame the surrounding tissues, resulting in allergy symptoms.

Although some risk factors have been identified, researchers who study allergies are often unable to determine exactly why this overreaction occurs in some people but not others. But it’s clear that, for some substances, repeated exposures can increase the likelihood of an allergic response.

While anecdotes of allergic scientists abound, research into the issue is scant. The best documented are allergies to rodents, which are ubiquitous in biomedical research. But some scientists report allergies that are almost completely unstudied, potentially because relatively few people — at least in wealthy nations in which many allergy studies are conducted — regularly come into contact with the organisms that cause them.

For example, while most people avoid regular contact with leeches, University of Toronto doctoral student Danielle de Carle goes out looking for them. De Carle studies leech genetics in order to figure out how different species are related to one another and to understand how blood feeding evolved. To study the leeches, she first has to catch them, and like other researchers in her field, she uses her own body as bait.

“We wade into swamps and stuff, and we let them attach to us and feed from us,” she said. For most people, leech bites are relatively painless. When de Carle needed to keep the leeches alive in the lab, she would let them feed on her then as well.

Doctoral student Danielle de Carle now uses sausage casings filled with pig blood to nourish the leeches she studies.

(Courtesy of Danielle de Carle)

After about a year and a half of this, she started to notice symptoms. At first, the bites became itchy, but the more she was exposed, the worse it got. “The last time I fed a leech — which I try not to do anymore — my entire hand swelled up so much that I could hardly make a fist,” she said. “It itched like crazy.” De Carle said that, when she’s out hunting leeches now, she can avoid an allergic reaction if she removes the leech after it attaches itself to her, but before it starts to feed. For the leeches she keeps in the lab, she’s switched to feeding them pig’s blood from a butcher shop instead of letting them feed on her.

Nia Walker, a Ph.D. student in biology at Stanford University, has also begun reacting to her research organism. Walker studies how genetics influence coral bleaching resistance and recovery. She began to notice rashes on her hands during her third trip to conduct fieldwork on corals in Palau, an island nation in the South Pacific. “And then each subsequent trip after that, it got more and more extreme,” she said. “It got to the point where my face would bloat and I’d get welts on my hands from touching them.”

While her symptoms are especially intense, Walker said she’s not the only member of her lab who has developed a sensitivity. By now, she said, everyone in the lab has “developed a slight irritation to corals.” Walker has been able to manage her allergy by using protective equipment and over-the-counter antihistamines. “It’s sad,” she said, “but it’s also pretty funny.”

Sometimes, allergies that scientists have picked up during lab work can spill over into daily life. More than a decade ago, evolutionary biologist Karl Grieshop worked in a fruit fly lab in which bananas were a key part of the flies’ diet. Ever since, he said, his throat gets itchy every time he eats a banana. Jon Giddens, a doctoral student in plant biology at the University of Oklahoma, said that he didn’t have any allergies before he started studying Eastern redcedar, a small evergreen tree that is widespread in some regions of the country. But now, even though it’s been more than a year since he last worked with the species in the field, he has year-round nasal allergy symptoms, he thinks from the redcedar pollen in the air.

Likewise, Brechann McGoey, who received her doctorate in ecology and evolutionary biology from the University of Toronto, said she didn’t experience hay fever before she started her graduate work. But after repeated exposure to ragweed pollen during experiments, she developed symptoms like post-nasal drip and persistent cough. Even though she no longer works with the species, she still gets hay fever every fall during ragweed season. “It’s a souvenir from my Ph.D.,” she joked.

Reflecting previous research on occupational allergies in veterinarians, most of the researchers who spoke with Undark did not seek medical attention or get a formal diagnosis for their allergies.

Biologist Nia Walker attaches an ID tag to the base of a tabletop coral on the northern fore reef in Palau. Everyone in the lab she works in has “developed a slight irritation to corals,” Walker says.

(Dan Griffin / GG Films)

In many cases, scientists report that their allergies are annoying but manageable. But sometimes, the allergies force researchers to make major changes.

Entomologist Chip Taylor began his career studying sulphur butterflies as a Ph.D. student at the University of Connecticut. When he started his own lab at the University of Kansas in 1969, he had every intention of continuing to work with the species. But, he said, “by the time it rolled around to 1973, I realized I was so allergic to these butterflies.” Taylor began to experience asthma-like symptoms whenever he worked with them.

In the summer of that year, during a research trip to central Arizona, Taylor and a colleague rented a trailer to use as a workstation to process butterfly wing samples. “I could not go in the trailer,” he recalled. “I slept outside with my back up against a tree so my sinuses and my throat could drain.” To manage his symptoms, he was regularly taking prednisone, a powerful anti-inflammatory drug that can have serious side effects. “I decided that I had to get out of working with those butterflies,” Taylor said. “I had to readjust my career to work on something else.”

Taylor spent the next few decades studying killer bees. He returned to butterfly research in 1992, when he started the monarch butterfly conservation program Monarch Watch. Taylor said he’s never experienced any symptoms while working with monarchs — maybe, he guesses, because the two species produce different types of pigments.

Fry, the biologist who became allergic to snake venom, also said his allergy has shaped his career. The venoms of different snake species share similar components, Fry said, so someone who is allergic to one type of snake is likely allergic to many types. Because of this allergy, Fry also has to be extremely careful even around venomous snakes that are usually not dangerous to humans.

“Whenever I work with these animals now, I look like I’m going into the Hurt Locker,” he said, referencing the Oscar-winning movie about U.S. Army specialists who defused bombs in Iraq. “So, of course, in the tropical sun I’m absolutely melting.” Those limitations, he said, have made working with snakes less enjoyable. “I can’t just blithely interact with these animals that I find so absolutely fascinating, knowing that death is just around the corner at any given moment, even from a snake that normally wouldn’t be a medical problem.”

Fry survived his encounter with the death adder thanks to a snakebite kit containing injectable adrenaline and antihistamines, as well as a quick-thinking friend who raced him to the hospital. The allergy, he said, has caused him to redirect much of his research to studying venoms in other animals, including Komodo dragons, slow lorises (the world’s only venomous primates), funnel-web spiders, and box jellyfish. “I’ve managed to turn it into a good thing,” he said, “but it’s been nevertheless very frustrating.”

Allergy experts say that reducing exposure is the key to preventing allergy development. Exactly how much the exposure needs to be reduced is less clear, and increasing protection may be costly for institutions and inconvenient for researchers.

Some laboratories that use mice and rats have equipment and policies designed to reduce exposure to allergens. These labs install ventilation systems for the cages, use a robotic system to clean them out, house fewer animals per room, and provide an area for workers to change out of allergen-contaminated clothing. PPE such as masks, gloves, and gowns can also help researchers reduce their exposure.

But actually applying those preventative measures can be challenging, said Johanna Feary, who studies occupational lung disease as a senior clinical research fellow at Imperial College London.

In 2019, Feary and several colleagues published a study of seven research institutions in the United Kingdom that performed research on mice. They found that facilities that used individually ventilated cages, instead of open cages, had dramatically lower airborne allergen levels. But even that was not sufficient to prevent technicians from becoming sensitized to mouse allergens. The facilities with the lowest levels of sensitization were those where workers also wore properly fitted masks. The research, she said, demonstrated that, at least in the U.K., the development of allergies to lab animals “is probably preventable in almost all cases.”

But Feary said that lab animal allergies continue to be a problem for many people. “We should be getting better at it,” she said. “I’m not sure we are getting better at it.” The main reason, according to Feary, is that it can be costly to install equipment that reduces allergen exposure, such as those robotic cage cleaners, especially if it requires renovating older facilities.

It’s also hard to accurately assess the magnitude of the problem, she said, especially given that conditions and practices differ widely around the world. While well-run facilities will monitor workers’ exposure and health, “at the other end of the scale, you have filthy places with poor health and safety,” she said, where recordkeeping is patchy and people who develop allergies may simply feel compelled to seek work elsewhere. “So, it may look like everything’s fine, and nobody’s got any symptoms, but actually all the sick people have left,” Feary said.

It may also be the case that only the best-run facilities will report their data, she said, while the rest will simply not engage. Indeed, several years ago, when a group of Duke University researchers attempted a nationwide survey of the incidence of anaphylaxis associated with lab-animal bites in the U.S., only 16 percent of facilities even responded.

And with less well-studied allergies, there’s simply little information available regarding prevalence and what sorts of protections are sufficient to prevent their development. Several scientists living with allergies, though, said they think that more information and awareness could help increase the number of scientists taking precautions in their research.

Fry said there is more awareness of snake venom allergy than there was when he started formally studying snakes in the late 1990s. But, he added, “it’s still not as well-known as it should be.” Researchers in the field, he wrote in a follow-up email, can be reticent to talk about venom allergies. But, he said, “I’m quite candid about it because, you know, this is life-saving information.”

Walker, the coral biologist, said more research on allergies among researchers would be helpful. “A lot of these things can be addressed if you knew to look out for it,” she said.

Early-career scientists generally receive thorough training on proper handling of biohazards and harmful chemicals. Institutions often provide extensive safety plans for fieldwork to help researchers prepare for the various risks involved, from dehydration to hypothermia to bear attacks. But scientists may learn little about the potential for developing allergies to seemingly harmless organisms.

“I feel like maybe there’s a bit too much of a casual attitude about protective gear,” said McGoey, who developed an allergy after doing research on ragweed. “Maybe especially if you’re working with a plant or animal, where it’s like a natural thing, and you’re not in the lab with a chemical, maybe people are just not careful enough.”

“As silly as it sounds, just maybe having more emphasis on using PPE and the consequences of not doing it would be kind of nice,” said de Carle, the leech researcher. “It can be really easy to just think, like, ‘Oh, I don’t really need to wear gloves; I’m just touching flowers or whatever.’”

Carlson, the allergist, said that even well-informed researchers can get caught up in their enthusiasm for the work and rationalize not taking the proper precautions.

In 2009, Carlson worked on a project that involved collecting data on house dust mites, microscopic arthropods which cause nasal and respiratory issues in millions of people worldwide. Despite his expertise, he neglected PPE. “I know all this,” he said. “I know I should be wearing a mask, but it’s hot, and it’s sweaty, and I don’t have a boss telling me what to do.” As he worked, he developed a runny nose and itchy eyes — the first steps toward a full-fledged allergy. “I pushed through and I ended up hyper-sensitizing myself,” Carlson said, to the point that even getting down on the ground to play with his then-young children made him “absolutely miserable.”

Carlson is saddened thinking about those scientists who have to give up the work they love due to allergies. “I really do feel for these folks doing their work and developing an allergy,” he said. “The more we get the word out there, the better.”

Hannah Thomasy is a freelance science writer splitting time between Toronto and Seattle. Her work has appeared in Hakai Magazine, OneZero, and NPR.

This article was originally published on Undark. Read the original article.

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jonsa101 · 3 years

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Max Goodwin and Randall Pearson: The Well-Meaning, Incredibly Self-Centered Leading Men We’ve Grown to Love.

Hey fam! Like I said, I’ve been writing a ton of meta lately and this is another one that’s just been sitting in my drafts. It’s basically a This Is Us and a New Amsterdam meta which is something I haven’t done before but something I want do more of. In my Game of Thrones days I used to write a lot of meta about shows and characters that had similarities so this is fun for me. I hope y’all enjoy this. ALSO THIS HAS SPOILERS FOR BOTH SHOWS!!!!!!!

Without a doubt the two most popular shows on NBC is This is Us and New Amsterdam. And what’s not to love? They’re both emotionally driven, heartfelt, shows that focus on incredibly deep and complex topics. Though one show focuses on family dynamics and the other focuses on the healthcare system, these shows are very similar in more ways than one. Case in point, Max Goodwin and Randall Pearson. The more I watch these two shows, the more I realize how these two characters are so alike!!! These two men are kind-hearted, well intentioned, individuals who genuinely want to make some sort of positive difference. They are incredibly ambitious and always have “bright ideas” and “goals” they want to accomplish and somehow they’re able to meet those goals without ever having to sacrifice their wants and needs. By every definition these men are the “main characters” or the ultimate “protagonists.” These are the folks that we are supposed to root for. At the same time, though these men have many traits to be admired, when you truly look at it both of them can be incredibly self centered and selfish especially when it pertains to their romantic partners and love interests. No matter how appealing you make these characters out to be these men clearly fall under the Behind Every Great Man trope.

The Behind Every Great Man trope has been used countless of times throughout Cinema and TV History that I’m sure that I don’t even have to explain it to you but for the sake of this meta this is how it’s defined.

“Behind Every Great Man...stands an even greater woman! Or in about a hundred variations is a Stock Phrase referring to how people rarely achieve greatness without support structures that go generally unappreciated, and said support structure is a traditionally female role via being the wife, mother, or sometimes another relation. This trope is specifically about a man who is credited with something important, but owes much of his success to the woman in his life.”

This trope usually has a negative connotation (and rightfully so) because the man who often benefits from this is an asshole and unworthy of this type of support!

For example:

Oliva and Fitz

Cristina Yang and Burke

Cookie and Lucious

Ghost and Tasha

There are countless others but these are a few of the couples that come to mind for me. Randall and Max aren’t comparable to any of these men that are listed above but they are still operating under the same trope. It just looks nicer because Max and Randall are inherently good and inspirational. They are the heroes of the story. I would even argue and say that both men fall under the Chronic Hero Syndrome trope which is defined as

“Chronic Hero Syndrome is an "affliction" of cleaner heroes where for them, every wrong within earshot must be righted, and everyone in need must be helped, preferably by Our Hero themself. While certainly admirable, this may have a few negative side-effects on the hero and those around them. Such heroes could wear themselves out in their attempts to help everyone or become distraught and blame themselves for the one time that they're unable to save the day. Spending so much time and effort saving everyone else can also put a strain on the hero's personal or dating life.”

Just because Max and Randall have these incredibly inspiring aspirations, is it fair that their wives and love interests are always expected to rise to the occasion and support them. Is it ok for their partners to continuously sacrifice their wants and needs because they love these men?

Let’s dive into it.

Truth be told, Beth Pearson, Helen Sharpe and Georgia Goodwin had to endure a GREAT DEAL to emotionally support the dreams and aspirations of these men while sacrificing so much of themselves in the process. In media we often see women sacrificing so much of their wants and needs out of love for these male leads and rarely do men do the same thing for their romantic partners and love interests. All three of these women clearly fall under the Act of True Love trope defined as

“The Act of True Love proves beyond doubt that you are ready to put your loved one's interests before your own, that you are truly loyal and devoted to them. Usually this involves a sacrifice on your part, at the very least a considerable effort and/or a great risk. The action must be motivated, not by morals or principle or expectation of future reward, but by sheer personal affection.When your beloved is in dire need of your help, or in great danger, and you do something, at great expense to yourself, for the sake of their safety, their welfare, or their happiness, thus proving beyond any doubt that you put their interest ahead of yours.”

Over the past few seasons we have seen all three of these women truly live up to this trope without any true consequences or accountability from the men they’re making all these sacrifices for. For example, in Beth and Randall’s marriage, how many times did Randall spring an idea on Beth without truly talking to her or considering her wants first? Everyone thinks these two are an ideal couple but she has endured A LOT for Randall.

Randall has spontaneously quit his job, moved his dying biological dad into their home, bought his biological dad’s old apartment building, fostered and adopted a child and also ran for city councilman outside of his district. In all of these decisions, Randall “consulted” Beth about it but at the same time didn’t really consult her. In a way there has always been this expectation of Beth to just go along for the ride with what Randall wants. Is anyone else exhausted from reading that list?! That’s a lot for partner to endure and lovingly support. But Beth has endured and has been Randall’s rock through it all!!! What worries me is that the one time Beth spoke out about her wants and needs of pursuing dance again, he couldn’t match the same energy she was giving him and eventually it led to world war three between them. Though things are looking up in their relationship and he’s starting to support her more, has Randall nearly given to Beth as much as she’s given to him? Absolutely not!

Similar to Randall, Max also had a wife who was a dancer. in fact, she was a prima ballerina. Unlike Randall and Beth, Max relationship with Georgia was rocky from the start. When we were first introduced to them Max and Georgia were separated and rightfully so. Georgia was never Max’s first priority. The hospital always came first in their relationship. He couldn’t even dedicate a full night to her for their proposal. In order to “save” their marriage they decide to have a baby and they both committed to taking a step back in their careers in order to do so. The problem was Max didn’t keep his side of their commitment and took a job to become the medical director at the biggest public hospital in the U.S. She gave up her career to start a family and he totally and completely betrayed her trust. So throughout season one we see them trying to rebuild their marriage but even in the midst of trying to rebuild a marriage based on trust and mutual respect Max still keeps things from Georgia. For several episodes he didn’t tell her that he had advance stages of throat cancer. He only told her when Georgia asked him to move back home. That’s fucked up! Then throughout their pregnancy he was never fully there for Georgia because he was either to preoccupied with the hospital or himself. At the end of it all, Georgia died tragically at the beginning of season two and really had nothing to show for it in her relationship with Max other than her daughter Luna.

Now let’s bring Helen Sharpe into the fold. While all of this stuff was going on with Max and his wife in season one, Max was developing a deep friendship, borderline emotional affair with Helen. Their relationship started out with Helen being his oncologist. As the new Medical Director of New Amsterdam, he swore Helen to secrecy about his diagnosis so that he could still run the hospital. Through that secrecy they eventually formed a deep bond but as his cancer got worse his secret was let out of the bag. He realistically needed someone to step up and run the hospital when he was going through chemo and though Helen already had commitments she stepped up and became his deputy medical director. Somewhere along the lines Max and Helen started developing feelings for each other. As Helen becomes aware of those feelings, she made a choice and decides to remove herself as Max’s doctor. He BITCHES about it but eventually accepts the boundary she’s clearly trying to set. Mind you, as this is unfolding, like Max, Helen is also in a new relationship with her boyfriend Panthaki. As Max’s cancer seems to be getting worse with his new doctor, she goes back on her boundary and decides to be his doctor again. This pisses her boyfriend off because he could already peep the vibe between them and he breaks up with her. When we get into season two, Max’s wife died and Helen set him up in a clinical trail (with a doctor she previously fired) that’s helping his cancer. Unbeknownst to Max, this doctor ends up holding his life saving treatment plan over Helen’s head and in order for his treatment to continue she gives this doctor half of her department!

Helen has sacrificed a lot for Max and now in season three she’s finally prioritizing her current wants and needs first! Like Randall, Max is starting to turn a page and is starting to support Helen and truly listen to the wants and needs that she has. All of this is good but my question is did any of these women have to sacrifice so much for the men in their lives to get a clue?

Why is it that this is a trope we see in media time and time and time again? Even if these men are good, why don’t we still keep these male characters accountable when they put their significant others in these situations that are clearly not fair? I’ve watched countless tv shows and I’ve seen a lot of tv couples but I think I have only come across one couple where the male counterpart has selflessly loved his significant other and has always put her needs above his own.

That character my friend is none other than PACEY WITTER

I might be mistaken but I think Joey and Pacey are the most popular ship in tv history and honestly, rightfully so! This is only example I can think of where the male in the relationship so willingly puts the wants and needs of his partner first. It is a completely selfless and sacrificial love. He never wants to hold her back and he never asks her to compromise her wants or needs for him. That’s why I think so many women love Pacey because in a sea of TV relationships, Pacey Witter is a fucking unicorn.

So to wrap this up does this mean that I hate Randall Pearson or Max Goodwin? No! I adore them. I love both of their characters so much. I just think that when we see the media continuously play out the sacrificial wife/love interest for the sake of their male counterparts, it should be called out. I’m all about sacrificial and selfless love but it should come from both sides.❤️❤️❤️

Anyway I hope y’all enjoy this! As always my DMs are opening here or on Twitter @oyindaodewale

#new amsterdam #sharpwin #This Is US #max goodwin #helen sharpe #randall pearson #beth pearson #georgia goodwin #pacey witter #joey x pacey #new amsterdam meta

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punksarahreese · 4 years

Text

Panic | Reesker |anxious!ava

Content warnings: medical talk (duh), mentions of surgical gore, panic attacks/meltdown, very brief mention of self injury (hitting)

***

Doctor Bekker to the ED, Doctor Ava Bekker to the ED immediately

Ava looked up from the chart she was writing just as the PA system and her pager went of simultaneously. She set the tablet down on the nurse’s station, saying a hasty farewell to the CT floor head nurse, and broke off into a sprint. She made it down the stairs in record time, knowing Connor was in surgery so she would be the only CT fellow prepared to take a trauma.

“Maggie?” She asked breathlessly as she came up to the charge nurse, who looked at her in relief.

“Jason Abrams, 35, came in to the ED with shortness of breath and heart palpitations. Passed out during a family reunion and didn’t wake up until he was in the ambo. Wife’s in there with him and half the reunion is taking up space in my waiting room.”

“Heart attack?” Ava questioned as she slid into the treatment room beside April, pulling on her gloves.

“Doesn’t look like it,” she replied, passing Ava her stethoscope, “Take a listen.”

Dr. Bekker nodded and turned to the patient, “Mr. Abrams? I’m doctor Bekker, I’m going to figure out what’s wrong okay?”

The patient gasped out an acknowledgment, clearly struggling to breathe despite the oxygen cannula. April leaned over to check his stats, humming in annoyance at what she saw, “Stats are falling, down to 90%.”

Ava had been listening to the patient’s heart and lungs and met April’s eye, “I’m hearing a murmur, someone get me a 15 lead EKG and a chest X-ray.”

“Right away, Doctor,” Monique replied, attaching the leads to the patient and setting up the machine. While she did that, Ava turned to the patient again.

“Alright, Jason, so I’m hearing a bit of blood splash back in your heart. We’re going to run some tests to confirm what I’m hearing, do you have any history of heart issues?”

Jason shook his head but was unable to respond, his breathing clearly worsening. His wife spoke up from her worried hovering beside his head, “Heart disease... i-it runs in the family but we’ve had no indication of Jace being at risk.”

“Okay, that’s fine,” Ava nodded and took the EKG reading from Monique, “Right, so we’re going to send you up for an echocardiogram, just to get a look at your heart better.”

“Call radiology, let them know we’re taking him up,” Ava said to Monique, watching as the nurse rushed off to make the call.

“Doctor, what’s wrong with him?” The concern in the wife’s voice was apparent and she was fussing over her husband, who had begun to perspire as his lungs worked overtime.

“I can’t be certain without the echo but I believe what I’m hearing is a defect in your husband’s mitral valve. It is sending blood backwards into the heart and that’s causing less oxygen to get through his body.”

“Oh God, my baby,” Mrs. Abrams cried, “What does that mean?”

“I-I uh, won’t know the full extent until we get the test results back, but... if medication doesn’t fix our issue we may be looking at surgery to fix the valve.”

Ava nodded at April, “Push 10 mg of bisoprolol and page me when you get his scan results, please.”

The blonde ducked out of the room and made her way over to Maggie, who was watching the waiting room with a pained look.

“Well?” She asked, “Are you gonna get the Abrams family reunion out of my ED any time soon?”

“Sounds like mitral regurge to me, Maggie. Might be a while, especially if he needs surgery.”

“Of course,” the nurse sighed, “Alright, let me know.”

“Will do,” with that Ava took off to locate a tablet to add to his chart. She snagged one off the nurses’ station and logged in, charting the course of treatment given. She planned to go back upstairs and meet them in radiology, walking as she noted the enlarged chamber on the EKG. She didn’t even notice she had gotten in the way until she had collided with someone while trying to get on the elevator.

“Woah, will you watch-“ she began to say but stopped herself when she realized who it was, “Oh, sorry, Reese cup.”

Sarah Reese stood in front of her in all her glory, eyebrow raised at the immediate tone change and nickname, “That was a whole 180, Dr. Bekker.”

“Oh hush,” Ava sighed, “You know I didn’t mean it.”

“Only because it was me,” Sarah remarked with a chuckle, “Anyone else and you would have snapped enough to make them cry.”

“You know me that well, do you?”

“Well I’d hope so,” Sarah’s hand had snuck it’s way to her wrist as she responded to the quip, “Busy?”

“Checking my pulse? What’s your diagnosis, Doctor?” Ava teased lightly.

“Hm, heart rate of 100, cheeks flushed and breathing uneven,” Sarah stated factually, “Either you’re nervous or you’ve been running, and you hate running.”

“You caught me,” Ava laughed, “Was in the ED.”

“Ah,” the psych resident nodded and kept hold of the older woman’s wrist, tugging her around the corner to a quieter part of the hallway. She saw Ava was about to protest and held up a hand.

“Shh, humour me, Ava.”

Noting the stern look the other woman gave her, Ava sighed in digression, gesturing for her to go on.

“Is the ED still making you that nervous?”

“I’m just not used to the hustle of it,” Ava sighed, “It’s not a big deal, Reese cup.”

“You sure?”

She nodded, “I’m a CT surgeon, love, I’m not made for the chaos Maggie runs down here.”

Sarah’s cheeks flushed a little at the pet name, though she knew well enough that Ava pulled that card simply to win her over.

“I promise I’m fine,” she continued, a smile playing on her lips at the other woman’s worry.

“You have your earplugs if you need them?”

Ava nodded, patting her scrub pocket. She often got overwhelmed by too much noise at once, a symptom of her newly diagnosed sensory issues, so earplugs helped her stay calm.

“I’ll be okay, Sarah,” Ava promised again, “But I really need to get up to radiology.”

The resident nodded, “Okay, don’t let me keep you.”

Ava saw the little spark of regret in the younger woman’s eyes, knew she felt insecure with her forwardness and was afraid she had pushed her too far. Ava’s anxiety about the emergency department and patient interaction was a sensitive topic, but Reese was too curious for her own good.

“Hey,” Ava grabbed her hand and gave it a light squeeze, “Thank you for caring. Coffee later?”

Sarah smiled a little and nodded, “Yeah.”

“Great,” a mischievous grin and then a quick kiss was pressed to her cheek, “See you, Reese cup.”

“Ava!” The brunette was left standing in the hallway with bright red cheeks, making the other doctor laugh as she went back to the elevator.

The surgeon still had a grin on her face as she made it onto the elevator. She couldn’t help but feel giddy around Sarah, something about her just made the hospital feel 100 times safer. Their relationship started off as merely occupational, speaking when patient cases crossed or in passing around the hospital. They got along fine, of course, but Ava was up in CT way more than in the emergency department, so their paths didn’t cross often. This changed when one day Ava had a bad case, when she lost that instrument inside the patient’s heart.

She had a panic attack, rushed out of the operating room and leaving Connor to close the patient. He had stormed into the locker room, starting to yell at her, but stopped when he saw the state Ava was in. She was clearly shaking, cheeks streaked with tears and makeup. He tried to talk her down but she wouldn’t listen, didn’t want his pity, especially not after he had been a major ass all day.

Eventually Connor gave up, leaving the room with a dramatic sigh. Ava had immediately dropped to the floor when the door closed, slumping against a locker as she sobbed quietly. She didn’t want to act like this, didn’t want to be so dramatic when they saved the patient, but she couldn’t help it. What if they hadn’t saved him? What if they missed the instrument and had closed him up? She had let down Connor and Dr. Latham, but mostly, she let down herself.

Ava hastily wiped away her tears when she heard a knock at the door, cursing her anxiety for making her act like such a baby. She tried to put on a brave face but stayed slumped down, letting her hair hide her for the most part.

“Doctor Bekker?” Sarah had come around the corner, “Doctor Rhodes said you were panicking. Are you okay?”

“J-just like him,” the blonde scoffed, “Goes and tells people about my mistake and calls psych on me? Of course.”

Sarah just sighed, crouching down in front of the older woman, “Are you okay?”

“Oh I’m peachy keen, Doctor Reese,” she replied sarcastically through her tears. It’s not that she wanted to be mean to Sarah, the younger woman didn’t deserve that, but it was her defence mechanism. She hated to show weakness, so she lashed out. It was something she had never been able to grow out of.

“Ava... I’m not here as a psych resident, not if you don’t want me to be. I can be here as a friend, or even as a stranger, I just want to help.”

The CT surgeon had huffed at that, swiping at the stray tears still creeping down her cheeks, “Nothing to help with, Sarah. I’m just ashamed with my work today.”

“Ava... this is classic signs of a panic attack,” even though she said she wasn’t there as a doctor, Sarah couldn’t help the psychoanalysis, “What happened?”

“Lost an instrument in a patient’s heart,” Ava groaned at the sheer stupidity, “Had to reopen him and then just left Connor to clean up my mess. I fucked up.”

“No, Ava, you just made a mistake,” Sarah looked at the door before sitting down on the floor beside the other woman, “Human error happens, please don’t beat yourself up over it.”

“I could have killed him, Sarah,” she hit her leg with a closed fist out of frustration, “I just keep reliving the moment and all the ways it could have gone wrong.”

“The important thing is you saved him.”

Ava laughed bitterly, “Barely. How could I be so careless?”

“What was it?”

“The end of a suction catheter...”

“Ava,” Sarah reached a hand out to cautiously hold hers, saving her whitened knuckles from the angry fist they were in, “That’s so small and they shouldn’t come off that easy, of course you wouldn’t expect to lose something like that inside a patient. It was a mistake and you fixed it, please don’t beat yourself up.”

“I let Dr. Latham down... and Connor was so mad...”

“I know, and I know that’s scary,” Doctor Reese agreed, “But you fixed it and all you can do is monitor your patient and grow from the mistake.”

Ava sighed and looked down at their hands, still tightly clasped together. She didn’t remember twining their fingers together or leaning closer to Sarah, but it felt right at the time. The younger girl was her source of stability in that moment, someone she knew wouldn’t judge her or break her trust. It was that moment that Ava decided she would quite like to be more friendly with the psych resident, as she seemed like someone worth knowing.

The rest was history, really. They got closer, became friends over time. Walks for coffee on breaks and discussing cases over lunch quickly became habitual for them. Reese would stop to talk to Ava as she walked through the CICU, something she had never done before. They just worked, the two seemed to realize, and their bond only got strong. It escalated quickly one night, when they got a little too wine drunk on a well deserved night off. Sarah’s usual apprehension disappeared with every drink, returning Ava’s relentless flirting without hesitation. One drunken kiss and they knew, there was no turning back and to be honest neither of them wanted it any other way.

That had been almost eight months ago and somehow they had kept their relationship under wraps in the hospital. Sarah was the one who helped diagnose Ava’s panic and sensory processing disorders, so it was kind of an issue that they were together. She was going to have to switch to a different psychiatrist if word of their relationship spread, but that would be the least of her problems.

Ava knew it would get out eventually, probably the second Maggie caught wind of it, but she didn’t mind. She knew her feelings for Sarah and was unabashed about her bisexuality at that point. It’s not like they were the first doctors in this hospital to be involved, much less the last. She knew Connor might take it a bit hard, felt bad for stringing him along, but really he deserved it in some twisted way. Maybe it would hurt his ego just enough to crush his God complex; losing Ava to a female psych resident.

Ava was still lost in thought as the elevator doors opened to the radiology floor. She jumped when a medical student brushed past her with a halfhearted apology, tearing from her memories to walk off onto the floor. She found her way to the echo waiting area, finding the radiologist quickly.

“Jason Abrams,” the tech said with a terse tone, “You’re gonna want to see this.”

“Mitral regurge?” Ava guessed before she even saw the scan, knowing she was probably correct in her first diagnosis.

“Correct,” he replied, “Very progressed too. Looking at maybe a few weeks before complete prolapse.”

“Poor man.”

“Meds won’t fix it, then?” The tech guessed.

Ava studied the scan before shaking her head, “No, too far gone. I’m probably going to have to replace the valve ASAP, depending on how his body responds to the beta blockers.”

“Shame,” the man shook his head, “Good luck, Doctor Bekker.”

“Thanks.”

With that Ava motioned a nurse in and asked her to take Mr. Abrams up to the cardiac ICU so she could speak to him and his wife in a more comfortable location. The nurse nodded and disappeared to do just that, leaving Ava to make her way upstairs on her own.

She took out her phone and made a call as she was in the elevator alone.

“This is Doctor Reese.”

“Hey, Reese cup,” Ava smiled at the professional tone her girlfriend had answered the call with. She never looked at her caller ID and always made a habit of a professional answer.

“Oh, hi, Aves.”

“You’re cute when you sound all professional,” Ava teased.

“Oh hush,” she could almost see Sarah rolling her eyes, “What’s up?”

“Might have to push our coffee date back a little,” Ava began apologetically, “I might have to do a valve replacement now now.”

“Okay, no worries,” of course Sarah was immediately understanding, “Good luck with your surgery then.”

“Thank you, you’re a doll.”

“So you tell me,” Sarah laughed, “Your slang is sneaking in again, by the way.”

“Is it?” Ava pretended to be shocked, stepping off the elevator, “Hadn’t noticed.”

“Mhm, makes the accent even cuter.”

“Aw, bokkie~” she made sure to use the Afrikaans pet name that Sarah found embarrassingly adorable, “You flatter me.”

“What does that mean again?” Sarah asked after a moment of hesitation and Ava knew she was probably blushing like mad.

“Little doe,” The blonde supplied, “I’d say it suits you.”

“Cheesy.”

“Always,” Ava shot back, “Okay I’m up in the CICU, I’ll page you later?”

“Of course, Doctor Bekker,” Sarah’s voice changed, though not unfriendly,” I’ll see you then.”

“Charles?” Ava laughed, “Bye, love.”

“Bye, Aves.”

Ava sighed as she rounded to corner to her patient’s room, pocketing her phone, “Here goes nothing.”

***

Forty minutes later Ava was scrubbing in, taking off her rings to wash her hands thoroughly. She was humming quietly to herself, trying to ground her thoughts before surgery.

“A valve replacement?” The door had opened to reveal an annoyed Connor, “You weren’t going to page me?”

“My patient, Connor.”

“I’m the trauma surgeon, Ava!”

“You were busy,” she retorted, “And besides he wasn’t even really a trauma. I can do a valve replacement on my own, thanks.”

“You need an assist.”

“You just saying that to steal my lead surgeon position,” she rolled her eyes, “Learn to share, Connor.”

“I’m scrubbing in,” he grumbled.

“I’m lead surgeon,” Ava shook her head as she brushed past him, “Accept that or get off my case.”

She went into the OR and accepted her gown and gloves from the scrub nurse. As she was tying up her gown, she made eye contact with Jason who looked rather nervous.

She gestured for Marty to start the anesthesia, getting into her position and rolling her shoulders a little. Connor stalked into the room and got his gloves and gown, not acknowledging her placement.

“No temper tantrums in my OR, Connor.”

The surgery started completely as normal. Eventually their argument fizzled out and they fell back into the familiar rhythm of operating together. The two CT fellows may have had their ups and downs but there was no doubt that they worked well together in surgery.

“Mechanical valve?” Connor asked, as they had already removed the damaged mitral valve.

“On back order,” the scrub nurse said, “We don’t have this size right now.”

“Oh for fok’s sake,” Ava muttered, glaring sharply at Connor when he immediately mocked her accent.

“It’s funny, Ava, lighten up.”

“I don’t mock yours, Connor.”

“Size 3 porcine valve then,” Connor changed the subject, not needing to start another fight during the hardest part of the surgery.

“They degenerate in half the amount of time,” Ava groaned, “And blood thinners wouldn’t have been a problem for him.”

Connor didn’t answer and they continued the replacement, not speaking other than to direct each other’s movements or ask for other instruments. They had transplanted the valve just fine and things seemed to work out perfectly. Ava was just about to ask for the proper suture size for the pericardium when the monitor started beeping like crazy.

“Shit,” Connor cursed lowly, “Marty?”

“Afib.”

“Why?” Ava looked desperately at Connor, “What happened?”

Connor was fumbling to figure out the issue amidst the rapid, uneven beating of the patient’s heart. Ava cursed herself when she realized the issue.

“Valve must have thrown a clot.”

“Already? How?”

“I don’t know, Connor!” Ava was too overwhelmed to think straight let alone answer his mindless questions, “Internal paddles!”

They worked to regain proper rhythm, shocking the heart to restart its beating. That didn’t seem to help though, unfortunately the opposite happened. Just as they had gotten the atrial fibrillation under control, another thing went wrong.

“Blood pressure’s dropping,” a nurse called out, making Ava look up at the monitors for clarification.

“Connor.”

“I know,” he replied, trying to figure out what had gone wrong.

“Doctor Bekker,” the anesthesiologist shouted just as the machine went wild again, “He’s in vfib!”

“Jesus,” Ava’s own heart felt like it was about to jump out of her chest, “Starting intracardiac massage.” Ava began internal compressions as she muttered under her breath, “Come on, Jason, you can’t die on all of them.”

Connor was ordering the nurses around to get epinephrine and recharging the paddles. Ava could barely breathe in the moment, questioning how everything went wrong and what had even happened.

“Charging,” Connor was saying, “Clear!”

Ava moved out of the way so Connor could shock the heart, but it didn’t help the rhythm any. Ava ordered another round of epi, restarting internal compressions.

“How long’s he been down?”

“Three minutes.”

“Damn,” Connor sighed, “Charge again.”

The next bout of electricity didn’t help to restart the heart and it was clear that this wouldn’t be resolved so easily. Ava didn’t give up on compressions, still mumbling half to herself and half to the patient. By the time they had reached the ten minute mark with no improvement, Connor had to grab Ava’s wrist to get her attention.

“Ava,” he halted her movements, “Doctor Bekker, he’s been down for too long. I’m sorry.”

“No...”

“You did what you could, Ava,” Connor’s voice was softer than ever as he tried to keep her calm, “It’s time to call it.”

“Connor...” Ava’s voice sounded pained as she glanced at the clock, “... time of death, 13:47.”

The other surgeon noticed how hard Ava was shaking when they left the OR to scrub out. He watched as she washed her hands roughly, her whole body trembling. No matter how many patients they lost, it would still affect Ava like the first every time.

“Ava...”

She just shook her head, not able to make eye contact, sliding her rings back on with a frustrated movement.

“You tried your best,” he tried again, “And we won’t know what happened until an autopsy’s done. Don’t blame yourself.”

“I don’t want your foking pity, Connor.” Ava snapped, accent even thicker as she held back tears, turning on her heels to rush out of the room.

“Damn it,” Connor cursed, pulling out his phone as the door slammed shut behind the panicking woman.

***

Ava had made it to the CT doctor’s lounge before promptly collapsing on the floor. She let out a gasping breath as the panic overtook her, shame flooding her system at this reaction. Why couldn’t she just be a normal doctor and depersonalize from the loss? Instead every dead patient and lost cause had to make her feel like she was the one who was dying.

She shook her hands out aggressively, trying to channel her anxiety and frustration into motion. It didn’t help though and a pained sob ripped its way from her throat. Covering her ears as if to block out the sounds of her own anxiety, Ava was shaking even harder than before. She knew this was a full blown panic attack and she should call Sarah to get her meds, but she could bring herself to breathe much less find her phone.

“What did I do? F-fuck where did I... w-hat went wrong?”

She was hyperventilating at this point, could feel her heart beating rapidly in her own chest. The sensation only made things worse, made her thing about how Jason’s heart was no longer beating because of her. Ava was so wrapped up in her panic that she didn’t hear the door open, she didn’t even notice when someone was calling her name.

“Ava?” A familiar voice was just barely audible as she still had her hands over her ears. She felt someone sit down on the floor in front of her and could just barely make out a mass of curly hair through her tears.

“Ava, honey,” Sarah was trying to gently catch her attention, “Look at me. Ava, you’re okay.”

“S-Sarah?”

“I’m right here, see?” Sarah reached her arm out but didn’t touch her girlfriend, knowing that touch while she was panicking could only make things worse. Sarah frowned as she let out another shaky sob, “Breathe, baby. You’re okay, I promise.”

“No!” Ava suddenly shrieked, clasped her hands even tighter over her ears. Sarah flinched at the outburst and apologized softly.

“I’m... it’s not- not okay.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Sarah agreed, “What’s not okay?”

“He’s dead,” Ava spat, “He’s dead... dead because of m-me.”

Sarah sighed, “Your patient? Oh, Ava, I’m sure you did everything to save him.”

“He- he just...” her sentence was cut off as she whined in frustration, hands coming off her head to smack her legs.

“Hey, hey, Ava,” Sarah said firmly, “Don’t hurt yourself.”

“I- I don’t care!”

“I know, but I do,” Sarah reached out a hand gently but didn’t touch her, “Can I hold your hands? I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to.”

Ava looked at her with tear-filled eyes, “Too much.”

“Too much?” Sarah repeated, “What is? The lights or the sound?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Okay,” Sarah stood up to go shut off the lights, sighing when Ava cried even harder when she left. “I’m coming back, baby,” she said as she rushed back over once the room was darkened significantly. She sat back down in front of Ava, who had her face hidden in her forearms and was slouched over painfully.

“Ava,” she tried to get her attention again, “Do you have your earplugs?”

The blonde made some kind of confirming sound, shifting in a way that Sarah saw as an invitation to get them from her pocket. She spoke softly as she did so, making sure not to spook her girlfriend.

“Okay, I have them right here,” she said as she held the orange foam in her hand, “But I wanna talk to you first, then you can have these and we can be as quiet as you need.”

“Don’t want... to talk.”

“You don’t have to, but I would like to talk to you, is that okay? I missed you today.”

Ava didn’t respond, though she did peek through her arms a little bit. A minuscule nod preceded a little sniffle, making Sarah’s heart ache at the pain her girlfriend was in.

“Can you take a deep breath for me, Ava?”

Ava hesitated but eventually a shaky breath left her lungs, her arms slowly coming away from her face. Sarah smiled sadly at her, noting the makeup streaked down her cheeks and her red eyes; this had been a bad panic attack.

“Hey there, pretty girl,” Sarah said gently, hoping to make her feel a bit better with the lighthearted words. Ava squeaked at that, lip still quivering as her anxiety hadn’t completely left yet.

“Breathe,” Sarah reminded her, taking her own deep breath to prompt the surgeon to do the same. This next one was less shaky, though a big sniffle preceded it.

“Good,” Sarah smiled again, “You’re okay, baby.”

“Not... not really.”

“Not now, maybe,” Sarah agreed, “But you’re safe and I’m going to help you.”

“I... I- let him down, S-Sarah.”

“Who?” Sarah prompted, shifting a little bit closer without touching her yet.

“Connor... Latham,” Ava’s eyes welled back up with tears as she spoke the last name, “J-Jason.”

“Oh, Ava. You didn’t let anyone down. You did your very best as a surgeon, okay?”

“H-how do you know that?”

Sarah sighed, “Baby?”

“Y-yeah?”

“C’mere,” the resident opened her arms, an invitation for Ava to find comfort in them. The older woman hesitated, still half in panic mode, but Sarah’s gentle eyes won her over in the end.

Sarah smiled sadly as Ava half crawled the short distance to slump in her arms, her face quickly finding its hiding place in her neck. Sarah just wrapped her arms around her securely, holding her girlfriend’s shaking body in an attempt to slow her heart rate.

“You, Ava Bekker, are an amazing surgeon,” she began softly, “You work so tirelessly, you’re so selfless when it comes to patients. You love your job, Ava, and you’re insanely good at it. How did you let anyone down today?”

“He... he didn’t- didn’t make it.”

“That happens,” Sarah replied, “Unfortunately. He wasn’t your first loss and he won’t be your last. I know you hurt for him and I know it’s a horrible feeling. You did everything you could, though.”

“How do you know that?” Ava repeated, pained eyes meeting Sarah’s.

“Because you’re the most caring and meticulous surgeon I know. I know you and you certainly wouldn’t give up unless it was the only thing to do.”

“I hate this.”

“I know, love,” Sarah’s gentle hand came up to take the elastic out of Ava’s hair, “I’m so sorry.”

Ava leaned into the loving touch as she smoothed down her hair, her breathing finally even. Tears were still steadily falling down her cheeks, falling into the crook of Sarah’s neck and staining her dress shirt.

“I have your pills,” Sarah said softly, “You want one? It might help.”

There was an extended silence before another minuscule nod. Sarah went to pull back, trying to get the bottle out of her coat, but Ava whined and held tightly onto her.

“Hey,” Sarah cooed softly, “Calm down, Aves. I’m not going anywhere. I just wanna get you some Ativan and water, okay? Then we can sit on the couch together and calm down.”

It took some gentle persuasion before Ava untangled herself from Sarah and stood on shaky legs. Her girlfriend smiled at her sadly, taking her trembling hand to lead her to one of the couches in the lounge. She pressed gently on Ava’s shoulders to get her to sit, leading down to drop a kiss to her forehead.

“Just getting some water,” she promised as she made her way to the counter, grabbing a familiar mug of Ava’s off the drying rack. She filled it with cold water from the cooler, taking out the bottle of sedatives and grabbing one for her as well. Sarah turned back to find Ava curled into herself on the couch, face buried in her hands again. Coming over, she crouched in front of the surgeon and nudged her leg. “Here, my love,” her voice was impossibly gentle, “You need to relax.”

Ava frowned but moved her hands, taking the cup and allowing Sarah to place the pill under her tongue. She let the thing melt, wincing at the taste, but knew the sublingual method would get it into her bloodstream faster. She took a sip of water when it was gone, finally realizing how dehydrated she was from crying so long. She finished the mug in under a minute, making Sarah chuckle lowly when she took the cup back.

The brunette set the cup down on the table, sitting beside Ava on the couch. She held out her hand, the earplugs nestled on her palm like a peace offering. Her girlfriend gave her a pained smile and took them back, debating on if she wanted them in or not.

“Sarah?” Ava sighed shakily, “I’m... I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for, Aves?”

“Being such a pain,” Ava mumbled, “This was highly dramatic of me.”

Sarah shook her head, a gentle hand coming to rest on Ava’s thigh, “This is my job, babe, I can assure you that this was an entirely nature response to stress. You have two diagnoses that make this 100x times harder and you still manage to be an amazing surgeon; sometimes you’re going to have meltdowns.”

“I still hate it.”

“I know,” Sarah nodded, “But we got through it, right?”

Ava shrugged again and they fell into silence for a moment, Ava letting out a very shaky sigh. Her girlfriend turned to look at her, smiling at what she saw. The Ativan had clearly taken affect, Ava’s eyes were drooping and her breathing had evened out finally. She looked at Sarah wearily, mumbling something under her breath.

“Tired?”

“Mm,” Ava agreed, “Don’t like pills. Wanna... be awake.”

“I know, baby,” Sarah laughed, “But they help, don’t they?”

Another nod, Ava blinked sleepily at her, “Hug?”

The younger woman immediately opened her arms, pulling her close once again. Ava sighed and leaned into her embrace, finally calm for the first time in hours.

“You can nap here, if you want,” Sarah murmured, “No sense moving to a on call room or anything. You don’t need to see patients right now, Doctor Latham would understand.”

“No... stay...”

“Ava,” Sarah chuckled and shimmied until she was laying down on the couch, pulling her girlfriend down with her, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Ava seemed happy with their current position, shifting her weight on top of Sarah and snuggling down comfortably. She handed her earplugs to Sarah, letting her put them in her ears because her hands were still unsteady. With the sound of the room dramatically decreased and her eyes heavy from the sedative, she felt her anxiety ebbing away to exhaustion.

“Get some rest,” she heard Sarah’s muffled words, “You’re safe and you did so well today.” Ava felt soft hands on her back, smoothing down her unruly hair again and rubbing gently at the tense muscles of her upper back. She sighed, finally letting herself relax into her girlfriend’s safe embrace.

“You don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay to feel things, yeah? You know I’m always here.”

Ava nodded against her chest, “Ja,” the Afrikaans slipping into her vocabulary as she drifted between sleep and wake, “I... love you, Bokkie.”

Sarah’s cheeks flushed and she was very glad that Ava couldn’t see that reaction to tease her about it, “I love you too, Aves.”

***

Connor rubbed at his face tiredly, making his way down the hallway. He knew he must have left his jacket around the CT floor somewhere, just couldn’t remember where. He reached the doctor’s lounge, hoping he would find it thrown across a chair or something so he could go home. He did not expect to find the sight in front of him when he opened the door.

In the darkened room, the minimal sunlight from the windows highlighted the two figures on the couch closest to the door. Ava was fast asleep on top of Sarah Reese, neon orange earplugs peeking out from under her hair and makeup streaked down her cheeks. Sarah had her arms protectively around Ava’s waist and the younger woman was still awake. She was occupying herself by playing with Ava’s soft blonde hair, the gentle gesture evidently tender. Connor was not expecting her to lean down and press a kiss to Ava’s head, a loving action he immediately knew indicated something way beyond friendship.

He must have made a sound, shifted too heavy or something, because Sarah jumped and looked up. He could see her cheeks turn bright red with embarrassment and knew she wasn’t expecting to be caught in such a vulnerable situation with the least vulnerable surgeon in Gaffney.

“Doctor Rhodes...” Sarah’s voice was a barely audible whisper, clearly trying not to wake the exhausted woman in her arms.

Connor hushed her, shaking his head with a small smile. Maybe it was better this way, even if his initial reaction was the wish to curse and fight for Ava like he always did. Seeing her like this, soft and vulnerable in a way even he had scarcely seen, made him know. Ava loved the psych resident, and the feeling was mutual. She clearly found her safety net in Sarah, and who was he to fight that when he knew how much she needed that?

“Thank you,” he whispered, pointing at Ava with a sad look. He grabbed his jacket off the desk chair, waving goodbye to Sarah and taking one last glance at his beloved fellow surgeon in her arms.

Take care of her, Reese

#pls give feedback this is my first med oneshot 😭#tumblr’s paragraph limit hates me #anxious!ava #chicago med #ava bekker #sarah reese #reesker #connor rhodes #chicago med fanfiction #reesker fanfiction #my-writing

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lizacstuff · 3 years

Text

Sen Çal Kapımı / Edser Asks

After the fragman, I got a few anons this afternoon, my answer are under the cut.

(Also my initial reactions are in this post.)

Anonymous said: In the spirit of optimism- when Eda broke up with Serkan in 25, everyone freaked out but by the end of the next episode, she proposed LOL. Maybe just maybe they won’t do the “everyone pretends Selin and Serkan are a thing for medical reasons for multiple episodes” route and someone gets her kicked to the curb in 29. I wonder how much of the 2.5 hrs will be before he comes back and how much is after.

LOL, I certainly would like Selin to be back for only one episode. I hope my speculation is right (this post,)and her narrative purpose is to make Serkan distrust Eda from the start and once she’s done that she can exit stage right.

As for the theory you mention, which I have seen on twitter, I don’t see people pretending they’re together for medical reasons. That makes zero sense to me (not that medical diagnosis on a silly romantic dramedy dizi would be accurate, lol) why would that be necessary? Why would anyone go along with that? Especially when all he would need to do is google himself to find out about his relationship with Eda. They were all over the tabloids and on the cover of a magazine. Plus it seems like he knows about Eda, Selin tells him "she turned you into someone you’re not and dragged you into a different world.” He has to know they were in a relationship.

There is a lot of knee-jerk hysteria over there right now which is leading to completely neurosis-induced, nonsensical, worst-case scenario speculation. I recommend avoiding for awhile if anyone is easily upset by that type of thing.

As for the timeline of the ep, great question. I am hoping that the walk into ArtLife is not the end of the episode. We’re going to need to see Serkan and Eda meeting face to face before this episode is up in order to survive! We know almost the full cast (including Hande and Kerem) were shooting at a cafe yesterday, and the cast looked dressed up. Most thought it was for 1x28, so that seems like there are scenes with Serkan and the full cast in this ep.

Though, the show has a lot of questions to answer. How in God’s name did he end up in that cabin? Did he get on the plane or not? Was he held captive and got dropped in the woods with only Selin’s phone number? Has he been in a coma? Was there foul play involved? Was there a brain injury or did Babaanne arrange his kidnapping and give him some experimental drug to wipe out his memories of Eda?

Not sure if this Deniz is a law enforcement official or some sort of private detective, but there would have been some sort of official inquiry and search when he went missing. So he can’t just be lazing around for 2 months, easily findable. And Selin can’t have been with him for anything length of time without the others knowing he’s alive, because that would pretty much be kidnapping. So what HAPPENED?

Anonymous said: I hope we get good Eda and Aydan moments. She didn’t get married but she is still Aydan’s daughter now. He’s going to come back and find that this woman has his mother, his company, his dog, his car, his friends.....there’s no way that he doesn’t just know that Selin has been a snake.

Yes, please! I’m sure we will get Eda and Aydan moments, it looks from the first trailer that they will lean on each other while he’s missing. Which they should, they’ll be the two that will hold out hope and give one another comfort.

I am LOVING that Eda is driving his car and taking care of his dog. As she should, they were hours away from being married! And yes, you’re correct, he’s going to find Eda so deeply embedded in everything he remembers (except Selin) that it’s going to drive him crazy. Who is this woman and how did she ensorcell him so thoroughly? Can’t wait for him to find out.

You know what I’m most looking forward to in regards to Aydan? Serkan’s shock that his mother has conquered her agoraphobia. Can’t wait for him to find out that Eda was instrumental in helping her do that.

She is going to hit him like an emotional freight train. A second time.

Anonymous said: i know most of the fandom has already accepted it as fact bc they can't wait for the actual ep to make conclusions, but i'm less inclined to believe he's been in that cabin w/ selin for 2 months.. idk HOW he gets there, or how selin ends up there.. but for some reason i think they find him first, and he takes off by himself for a bit as he's overwhelmed with the whole situation.. and then selin enters. idk, we'll have to see it, but i think, like all trailers, it's confusing on purpose.

This theory is definitely possible. That he’s found and freaks out and goes to the cabin. Perhaps the last he remembers he was still with Selin so he reaches out to her for answer about what’s going on. That would make sense why he accepts her comfort, and she gives it, but can’t help herself from trying to do everything in her power to make him distrust Eda. Even if she doesn’t have hope of reconciliation, just to cause chaos because she doesn’t want them to find happiness together. She’s said it more than once, she didn’t want him happy, while she was not.

Anonymous said: I am not emotionally prepared to watch the look on Eda’s face when Serkan walks in holding hands with Selin after being missing for the last two months....😭😭😭. Also even if Serkan & Selin are purely platonic watching their scenes together are going to be brutal. I am prepared to cry ( both tears of joy & sadness) & be very mad at various points in this episode. It will be an rollercoaster of emotions for sure.

Yep, pretty much all of this! I don’t think I’m going to enjoy watching this episode at all. However, my hope is that I will really enjoy watching the storyline that it sets up where we get to watch Serkan fall in love with Eda all over again. Think of all the delicious, UST-y, sexy, funny, fiery, passionate scenes that are in store for us!

Off the top of my head, things I want:

Serkan opening Madonna in a Fur Coat and finding their photo

Serkan’s deep-seated memory kicking in and mindlessly tearing the crusts off bread for her without realizing it or knowing why

Finding out his computer password and what it means

Seeing photos of them from their matchmaking party. Looking so in love and surrounded by friends and family and everyone looks so happy

One of the friends, Engin or Piril snapping and telling him the big change Eda brought about in him was just that he was happy

Serkan seeing media clippings of them and their relationship

Eda handcuffing him so they have to spend time together while trying to jog his memory

After being suspicious and trying to keep her at arms length, Serkan finally breaking down and asking her questions about their relationship

Serkan being mistrustful of her, but still unable to say no to her

Anonymous said: So I get that SCK is going through a reset and now we will get to watch Eda & Serkan fall in love again but seriously they brought Selin back like that...WTF? Now she is even worse than Balca. Plus the entire world thinks Serkan is dead but somehow Selin found him and never bothered to tell anyone else...that should send up some red flags for sure. Regardless of the explanation, this situation is going to crush Eda. And it seems like a lot to go through to have him immediately get his memories back so we could be stuck with this storyline for a while.

Yes, poor Eda is going to be crushed no matter what. However, I know that people have been theorizing that the memory loss would be short, but I never thought it would be. What’s the point of this reset unless they’re going to follow through with it and milk it for as many episode as possible. They’re trying to find ways to keep this show going and this is their big swing.

The entire point is to recreate the magic of Eda and Serkan falling in love, and, honestly, I'm not sure why anyone would want that to be over in 2 episodes. I don’t see it as being stuck with the amnesia story, I’m excited for all the parallels, watching Serkan get struck by lightning a second time when he first sees her. Watching him be suspicious of her, of her motives of her abilities, but then finding out all the same things that he found out the first time, that she’s fierce, kind-hearted, loyal and talented. And just a bright shining light for him.

My heart melts just thinking about it. We just have to get rid of that opportunistic, malevolent, bitter hag.

Anonymous said: one complaint that i've seen in regards to sck is that characters aren't sent off properly.. but outside of maybe fifi (which we don't know how they'll explain her leaving) am i the only one that doesn't... really care? everyone that's left has been unsubstantial or in a villain role, and personally whatever way they leave i'm fine with lol.. i know when selin left ppl were mad bc they wanted a redemption story arc for her.. but not every character NEEDS that by default, if that makes sense.

For context, this ask was sent before the fragman. I agree with you, no side character needs redemption by default. I’ve said it many times, but on this specific show, really only two characters matter: Eda and Serkan. This is their story. Their love story. Everyone else is supporting in the truest sense of the word. They all exist to prop up the A story. So for most of them their journey doesn’t matter unless it directly affects Eda or Serkan. (Aydan’s growth and redemption has directly impacted Eda and Serkan and that’s why time has been spent on it). Selin is a tool. She’s behaved erratically at time because she only exists for the writers to use her to antagonize the protagonists. Her story in and of itself does not matter.

I laughed hysterically when some on twitter were thinking Serkan might really be dead and Kerem was leaving the show.

Seriously? You think they would try to keep this show going without Edser? That anyone would pay money for it, without them? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If one of them were to leave, the show would be over. Dead. Cancelled. There is NO reason for this show to keep going other than for more Edser. Everything else is an after thought, filler, or characters that prop up Eda and Serkan either literally or symbolically or thematically. Nothing else stands on it’s own.

They devised this storyline in order to go back to the magic of these two people falling in love. Full stop. That’s why we’re seeing this reset. Because no other characters or their storylines are compelling enough to carry the show. I applaud the writers for creating a situation where we could watch Serkan fall in love with Eda one more time. (just get rid of Selin, please, so I can enjoy it... and do it quickly.)

#Sen Çal Kapımı #Sen Cal Kapimi #edser #sck speculation #sck spoilers #sckask #sck 1x29 #asklizac #anonymous

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lucadansembourg · 4 years

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HSHQTASK023.

luca & henri.

( LISTEN ALONG )

feat. @henridorleans

“please hurry leave me, i can't breathe, please don't say you love me.” - track 001. first love/late spring by mitski.

the actual first time they meet is irrelevant, an event neither remembers. surely, over the years they’ve had conversations, somewhere, sometime. but none of them truly matter, not when faced with what they become. there’s nothing of note between them, at least nothing before the cold november night in luxembourg that they actually meet for the first time.

the setting is a slightly seedy bar in a back alley in the heart of luxembourg, where luca d’ansembourg is chasing the bottom of a bottle yet again. he’s become something of a regular, a ruling monarch always sitting in the same booth in the back. none of the other regulars dare to bother him, they haven’t since nathalie died and luca became a shell of himself. but the color has started to return to his cheeks, word on the street is he’s begun to heal.

maybe that’s why he seems approachable.

henri d’orleans is traveling. he’s been north of paris, into belgium and finally he’s wound up with a few nights in luxembourg city. what draws him to the bar is unknown even to him, perhaps fate leads him through the doors. it’s nice enough, isn’t it? it takes almost an hour for him to notice the man in the booth in the back, pouring out his sorrows into a glass of whiskey yet again.

they meet and they don’t use any bullshit titles or last names that could give them away.

late that night, when they return to the little apartment luca keeps “just in case” they’re just people. and if luca is a little bit broken and henri is still searching for something he can’t quite grasp, they don’t mention it.

“ oh, but i was just a placeholder a lesson to be learned oh, i was just a placeholder a place you will return.” - track 002. placeholder by hand habits.

luca wakes the next morning to his phone ringing over and over again. it’s wilhelmina, frantic with worry after luca had disappeared into the night. she’s worried, because of course she is. they’re d’ansembourgs, all they seem to do is worry these days. he tries to stay quiet, to not wake henri.

“i’ll be back at the palace in a few hours, don’t worry, wilhelmina.”

maybe it’s the mention of the palace, maybe it’s the way luca says wilhelmina like an exasperated older brother.

but henri has heard the entire conversation and is beginning to fit the puzzle pieces together.

the way luca never asked for another drink, he was simply handed one by the bartender. the stares he’d gotten from the other regulars for daring to speak to the king. the expensive apartment that no one seemed to live in. it all added up to an image of the king of luxembourg henri hadn’t expected.

he makes his excuses and goes, practically sprinting out the door with a new perspective on french relations with luxembourg. he leaves the tiny country that afternoon, the bruises still fresh on his skin, a reminder that the night before had really happened.

luca takes a moment to put himself back together and then meets his twins and siblings for lunch, and tries to push the night out of his mind. he doesn’t frequent the bar like he used to, and when he does he even manages to give them a smile, a real one this time. maybe a night out was just what he needed. maybe he just needed to be normal for a moment.

they swear they don’t think about it, but they do.

“we try and connect the dots and the facts how do we have to be here? 'cause these hotels, i just can't relax the more i bend, the worse that i snap i feel like a goddamn maniac .” - track 003. ruins by jade bird.

it’s new year’s eve, and there’s far too much going on. it seems the whole world is here, every royal from every country in one ballroom in paris. for henri d’orleans, this is his element. he’s charming and easy to speak to, always able to talk his way into and out of conversations on a whim.

on the other hand, luca d’ansembourg is simply terrible at events like these. when it’s small groups, he can almost manage to seem normal, but with the movement of the crowd and the volume of the room, he’s barely said twenty words to those around him. he prefers to be a wallflower, usually, but his sisters have been pestering him about making new friends. it’s not going well.

luca spots him across the room and trails off mid-sentence. no one around him notices.

he looks almost the same, if not a just a little bit more dressed up.

that’s henri, from the bar. that’s henri, the prince of france. luca can feel the panic set in as their eyes meet across the ballroom, and he only holds henri’s gaze for a second before dashing towards an alcove he’d noticed earlier.

he doesn’t expect henri to make his excuses and follow him.

he’s plotting his escape and how easy it will be to become a recluse and never leave the grand palace again when henri appears in his line of vision. and even if they’re alone in the alcove, they might as well be alone at the world.

when they’re together, it’s like everything else seems to fall away. the responsibilities, the titles, the riches, none of it matters.

they’re counting down to the year 2019 in the ballroom, but the pair don’t seem to notice, too caught up in each other once again. it seems like the world stops as they gravitate towards each other.

the kiss may not happen exactly at midnight, but there’s no one around to police it.

“and it’s no one’s fault but yours at the foot of the house of cards. you thought you’d never get obsessed, you thought the wolves would be impressed. and you’re a sinking stone, but you know what it’s like.” - track 004. the jeweler’s hands by arctic monkeys.

henri leaves before the sun comes up, almost like a force of habit.

it’s easier that way, he always tells himself. it’s better if they just... don’t talk about it. especially because he’s not going to stick around, even if luca asked him to. it’s not personal, just... henri doesn’t need anything more, he never has. the life of royalty made things like falling in love out of question.

when luca wakes on the first morning of the year, he’s alone.

and he’s only able to feel bad about himself for a minute, before he decides that he’s kind of grateful that henri is gone. he wouldn’t know what to say, other than the obvious. and then he’s definitely glad he’s gone, when wilhelmina barges into his hotel room without warning. he’s dodged a bullet that morning, but he can’t help but feel like this is the start of something.

and it is.

“honey you are nothing to me but alcohol and dopamine. i’m dying on the sofa and i barely know the time like an old man, say i reckon, i love you for a millisecond, but i don’t wear a watch or rolex.” - track 005. presumably dead arm by sidney gish.

they meet again in mid-february at a coronation, and it’s the same song and dance.

even if argentina is an entirely different type of place than paris, it’s still just a bit too lively for luca’s preferences. the events hosted in buenos aires are filled with dancing and parties that are just too much, but luca still attends, even if he hangs out in the corner for the entire night, watching the crowd move around him. it’s not out of some sense of duty he’s terrible at having, but because his siblings are yet again badgering him into “making new friends” and “coming out of his shell” like he’s some sort of shy schoolgirl.

henri is having a marginally better time, if only because he’s got the ability to thrive in a social setting. light on his feet and giving with words he doesn’t actually mean make him a favorite for the people who want to dance, and he catches luca’s eye sometimes across the room and his chest will twist in a weird way that he can’t quite place. when he runs out of partners and people to talk to, he’ll check that same corner and find it empty, luca leaving the parties just before henri can go looking for him.

on the last night of their trip, luca shows up on henri’s doorstep with a half smile and they fall into bed together yet again, this time with the ease of practiced lovers. and maybe it’s just a little bit too close to something he can’t take back, but when henri wakes the next morning luca is gone, his side of the bed cold.

“but the light in the hallway and the silence in my room... said i don’t think i’ll get used to losing you.” - track 006. losing you by flyte.

luca goes back to luxembourg to an empty palace and he’s glad that his entire family is gone, his siblings taking his girls on a trip for that weekend. he lets himself wallow in pity for a day, asking all the questions that must be common for widowers who are trying to figure everything out alone.

he sleeps in his twins’ empty room, unable to stand his own, the room still standing untouched. it’s a monument to his late wife, he can’t bring himself to even more things off her bedside table yet. it’s too fresh, even if it’s been an entire year. for a place that once was a sanctuary built by a woman who luca would have burned down the world for, it’s become something of a tomb.

and then on sunday, he wakes and he finds that things are lighter, that he’s able to handle the grief. he can breathe in. he spends the afternoon in wilhelmina’s garden, away from the bustle of his siblings’ return. wren finds him there, hours later.

“do you think she’d want me to... move on?” he asks, as if his youngest sibling will have any idea. he gets a shrug in reply, but wren still sits with him until it gets dark. and somehow that’s the push luca needed, that he can let go a little bit. that he can live without the shadow of his late wife watching over his every move.

he thinks nathalie would be proud that he picked himself back up and did what he was meant to do. he knows that his sisters are. when his first valentine’s weekend alone is over, luca feels lighter than he has since the diagnosis, and it shows in his work, in the way he carries himself.

he doesn’t lock himself away in the palace, instead he returns to engagement parties and balls held in honor of the dumbest things, and he does it with a bit more confidence, a little bit of a spring in his step.

“and that’s the thing about illicit affairs and clandestine meetings and longing stares. they show their truth one single time, but they lie and they lie and they lie, a million little times.” - track 007. illicit affairs by taylor swift.

the first event back, they avoid each other for the first half of the weekend. but then henri can’t keep his eyes away, as luca carries a conversation instead of fading into the background. something’s different, something that henri can’t put his finger on but once he notices it’s terribly distracting. he can’t tear his eyes away. and when luca catches his stare across the room, and blushes just a little bit, it’s over. they’re right back to the start.

in the spring of 2019, it becomes a habit. it seems like every royal event, they both end up as their country’s representative. whether it’s coincidence, fate or some sort of subconscious desire to see the other, there’s no way to tell, but they’re meeting eyes across ballrooms in japan and having conversations over cigars in botswana.

in public, they simply read as two old friends.

in private, they’re something more altogether.

they meet in hotel rooms and rented apartments, in europe and asia and one memorable time in new york city.

after argentina, it’s always henri following luca to where he’s staying, and leaving before the morning comes. each time, though, luca starts to find that he wants more. he wants him to stay, but henri never does.

and that should be enough of a sign, that this isn’t the same sort of thing for henri that it is for luca.

but luca’s never been too good at reading the signs.

“one last kiss i love you like an alcoholic. one last kiss, i love you like a stauette. one last kiss, i need you like a need a gaping head wound.” - track 008. i love you like an alcoholic by the taxpayers.

it’s may and they’ve been dancing around each other like this for months. they make their excuses and leave before the party’s end more often than not, check over their shoulders thousands of times to make sure no one will catch a glimpse of them.

they keep it quiet because it’s the only option. luca isn’t looking for a scandal in a country still reeling from the death of it’s beloved queen, and henri isn’t looking to seem attached at all.

they both say they’re getting what they want out of their meetings, but they’re not, really. they’re both too busy lying to themselves to realize that there’s a way that they can just reach out and have what they want.

it all culminates in a few too many words said in the same apartment where it began, when luca’s drunken words become just a little bit too real. henri leaves and it feels different this time, like a nail in the coffin.

luca wakes alone, but he’d been expecting it.

he isn’t expecting his sisters to send guards to the apartment, to drag him back to the palace.

he doesn’t expect the invasion.

“hard feelings these are what they call hard feelings of love when the sweet words and fevers all leave us right here in the cold, oh oh.” - track 009. hard feelings/loveless by lorde.

it’s like a knife in his back, and he can’t even scream at him. henri disappears from his life into the night, just as easily as he’d entered it. luca rages when he’s alone, only allows himself to feel the loss of a lover, or even just a friend, when no one can see. he projects a strength he doesn’t have anymore, a mask that reminds him just a little bit too much of his father. he’s what his people need, for once.

henri didn’t know, but who would believe him? he’s the one who left under the cover of the night while his own brother’s soldiers marched into the place he was running from. if he acts a little bit out of line when discussing it, it can be dismissed as being upset he’s been left out of the loop. if he hides away in his rooms for a few days, no one seems to read into it.

when luca follows wilhelmina into the protection program, he only does so after figuring out that henri isn’t there. he’s not interested in seeing him ever again, to be honest. it’s easier that way, when he doesn’t have to worry about running into him randomly. he can prepare himself.

the first event they both attend, luca manages to not look towards henri the entire night. it’s a win, a victory that he cannot believe he managed. he radiates calm only after hours of convincing himself everything will be alright, and only stays as long as he has to, trying to charm people who can help them out of their situation.

henri can’t believe he misses catching luca’s gaze across a ballroom, but that little ache in his chest is something he refuses to feel again. he lets it go, tries his hardest to push everything out of his mind. it’s easier that way, he reminds himself. he couldn’t get attached, and even though he’s a little sad that the fun is over, it’s not the end of the world.

both of them are liars, but they’ve managed to believe it.

when henri arrives in phuket, it’s to no fanfare. when a shouting match that he doesn’t want ensues, they both feel like they’re playing the part: henri as the villain and luca as the jilted lover. but yet again, the magnetism that pulls them together continues on. there’s no way they can avoid this.

neither of them is going to make this easy.

“cause if i had loved you the way you loved me before, or if you hadn't left me with this doubt creeping up my spine, maybe we could help this ” - track 011. getting on in spite of you by remember sports.

#this is long as hell i am so sorry but i have a lot of thoughts n feelings.#hshqtask023 #long post #ok lmao yeah i wrote 2800 words and i cried a total of six times but this is also HALF ELIZA'S FAULT #i just had to get the whole thing out there so it wasn't in my brain anymore #hshqgraphix

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sweetlittlevampire · 4 years

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Okay, let me - let me just reiterate this here, just to get these thoughts out of my head -

(Mentions of alcohol abuse, other substance abuse + physical/psychological abuse, and death mention under the Read More. Read at your own discretion.)

I seem to have a problem with drunk people in general, and sometimes - but very rarely - in fiction. And that’s okay, because confronting them in fiction might actually be able to help me confront them again in real life.

See, I’ve talked about this numerous times on here, but I’m not sure if I ever outright said it, and if you’re new here, you might not know this, but - my father died in 2008. Drank himself to his grave.

Addictive tendencies run in our family. My father’s sister also has a history with alcohol addiction and abuse, but unlike him, she was able to recognise her problem, and get help. After a very long time in therapy and still frequent visits to a therapist, she’s now over 70 and hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol since she was 57.

With her son, it was drug addiction and abuse. He went to therapy too. With me, it’s...similar. I had a stretch during my teens where I was so close to becoming addicted to a certain kind of pills - my girlfriend actually noticed and helped me. Never touched them again, but it was a hard way to get there.

My father, according to his two siblings, exhibited a penchant to drinking far too much already in his teenage years. He also exhibited severe anger management issues back then - he wrecked a door once because he was angry at his mother, and these European wooden doors we have are pretty sturdy.

He seemed to have behaved himself while he and my mother were dating - even my grandmother affirmed that he was exemplary. My mother wanted to get married, and to have a ton of kids, and my grandmother was delighted by the idea of her youngest son becoming a husband and father.

My father never wanted to marry or to have kids...but he desperately wanted to please his mother. And because he was old-fashioned, the idea of divorcing my mother after a certain time was absolutely out of the question; her divorcing him even more so. Turns out it would have been the best thing for everyone involved.

He nearly died from health complications shortly after they got married and was physically unable to look after me for a number of years. My mother was working full-time up to 1994, I believe, when she got her MS diagnosis. I spent most of my days at my grandmother’s; those were some of my happiest moments during childhood. My grandmother was more of a mother to me than my mum herself, who always tried her best and is still trying, but is hindered by illness and her own less-than-stellar experience with her own mother.

So my father began drinking again when I entered high school at age 12. At first it was a glass of red wine over lunch, so nothing special. It increased more and more; shortly before he died, alcoholic beverages were the only thing he consumed. If we refused to buy him some, we would face beatings, being choked, being threatened with knives, and verbal threats and abuse.

Fear makes you do the weirdest things, things you wouldn’t possibly do as a rationally thinking person.

I was used to the abuse. He told my mother he never wanted kids when I turned fourteen (he had a talent for hiding things very well), but he never hid it from me. I always knew that I was unwanted by him, and worthless and useless to him. He reminded me of it every day,

My mother...she tried, but stress made her illness flare up, and there’s only so much you can do when parts of your body stop functioning and your mental health plummets. My father, besides being very talented at hiding things, also had a way of presenting himself in the best way possible to the outside world, so whenever we tried to speak up, no one would believe us.

(My high school headmistress and the deputy headmistress knew, and they believed me. However I never went to them to seek out help - I was too afraid - so there wasn’t much they could do.)

So when he died - and he died very suddenly - it was very weird. To my mother and me, it was instant relief. We would have never wished death upon him - I prayed thousands and thousands of times that he would - you know, just pack his things and leave, but die? That was something different entirely. Still, we had to tell his mother that her youngest son had passed. Had to endure shame and criticism when neither of us two was able to cry at his funeral. Had to hide that we were actually feeling better in the months after his passing.

My mother doesn’t talk about it - I know that she is bitter. She has lost her belief in love; every healthy and happy relationship is doomed to fail in her eyes, because her own was so miserable. It’s really sad.

For me it is - I used to flinch and get scared when someone in my vicinity raised their voice in anger. I sometimes still do when I’m feeling unwell and/or if I’m sleep-deprived. When I’m with people and two of them start fighting? Literal hell. I speak to someone and they don’t instantly reply? My brain goes into the “Oh no I’ve annoyed them look at you you made them angry now they hate you and never wanna talk to you again”-mode (I’ve gotten better at that one over the years, but sometimes it’s still hard). I slide into showing off the things I can do, not because I want people to acknowledge how great my talents are, but because my brain is begging “Please say you like it, that I didn’t do this in vain, please say it means something, that it isn’t worthless, that I am not worthless” - I am still struggling with that one.

Now drunk people - not too long ago I witnessed two friends getting drunk for fun here on tumblr and blogging while doing so, and my brain instantly was torn between yelling at them to “please stop, you’re going to get addicted and then you can’t stop anymore and then you are going to die, and I don’t want you to die because I love you”, and “Oh God, just don’t say anything because if they notice you they will come for you and yell at you and hit you and punish you-” . yeah, it was unpleasant. I had no idea it would trigger me so much until it did.

Usually when I encounter drunk characters in a movie/on TV, or while reading, it’s fine because I can put some emotional distance between me and them. Today I read a piece of fanfic featuring a drunk character for only a few paragraphs, but the way they behaved and spoke and carried themselves was so reminiscent of my father that I could smell the beer and wine off them while reading. It was intense.

I love this fic, and I know this character won’t be drunk for the entire thing. And it made me realise that I won’t be able to avoid drunk people for my whole life. I’ve encountered a few of them in the years after my father’s passing, especially when I was out and about later in the evening or at night; most of them minded their own business, were occupied with trying to stand straight, or even singing loudly. Absolutely no threat to me, and yet I was so afraid to just walk past them.

People are allowed to get drunk. Not every drunk person is addicted to alcohol. Not every drunk person constitutes a threat to me. Hell, not every person addicted to alcohol constitutes a threat to me. I might stay cautious for the rest of my life and consume not more than a glass of alcohol per year, but I have to learn that yes, drunk people exist. Yes, people I love might get drunk sometimes. No, they probably won’t automatically punch the living daylights out of me just because they’re drunk.

I’ve reread that piece of fanfic again, and - it’s still vivid and hits home, but it’s...not as bad anymore.

What I might be trying to say is: trigger warnings are important. Use them if you need them. In my particular case, this is something a trigger warning cannot shield me from in real life. This is a fear that I’ll have to face one day or another, and while I won’t be seeking out media depicting (severe) alcohol abuse, I do think that confronting my fears through fic, within that safe environment, might actually be helpful to me personally. I can always stay away from it if I recognise that it does more harm than good.

That took a detour, wow.

#Sweet is rambling #tw: death mention #tw: abuse mention #tw: alcohol abuse mention #tw: substance abuse mention #you don't actually have to read this #it's just - sometimes it feels good to just talk about it you know?#Even if it's just to the nothingness of the internet

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memoir-of-the-girl-who-lived · 4 years

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“I never would have guessed you have BPD.”

I wasn’t sure if I should have been comforted, or insulted by this comment, especially considering it came from a person who worked in the mental health field. “I mean, I’ve worked with people in the past who had BPD, and you’re nothing like them! You’re actually.. Normal.” This was the point where I began to feel something shift inside of me. The phrase, ‘you’re normal’ just wasn’t sitting well.

She began to tell me the story of a patient, one that had been admitted, and (from what I can gather) suffered from not only a sever case of BPD, but also many other factors as well. She told me how this woman constantly felt “wet” and “dirty” or like she was leaking water, how her comfort place was in the shower. If allowed, the woman would spend hours upon hours in the shower, yet it was the nurses job to make sure that wasn’t allowed. It was on one particularly bad day that this woman had a complete break from reality, screaming that she was “leaking” and needed help. The nurses scoffed at her and told her off, telling her to spend an entire day in the shower, see if they cared to stop her. It was reported that this woman speak the next 16 hours in the shower, not daring to move or possibly even disassociating, and flooded the facility. The cops were called when the nurses could not get in, and as a result of this, the woman leaped from a window, and fought the cops while completely nude.

This was the expected characteristics of what I should be like. This was the stigma that surrounded my mental illness. Yet I was deemed “normal”.

People who suffer from BPD are, first and foremost, people. We are not raving lunatics unable to cope or process the world around us. We are not crazy. We are people. We are able to function in a normal society setting, we are able to go about life in a normal manner, and we are able to be around people without “acting like a person with BPD”. We have BPD, that does not mean we ARE BPD.

Just like any mental illness, some suffer worse than others, and some are able to accept treatment with ease.

Does that make the ones who have a harder time with this illness bad? Not in the slightest. BPD is (most commonly) developed as a result of early on abuse, whether that be physical, mental, sexual.... Or because as a child they were placed in a situation that left them in a continuous state of fear or sever discomfort. Not everyone faces the same trauma, not everyone goes through cookie cutter examples of abuse. This in no way disvalues what they suffered on either end.

I wanted so badly to make a snide comment to her, tell her “Did it seem like I had BPD when I slit my wrists open just to watch myself bleed? Did it seem like I had BPD when I sat, dissociating, in the forest for 5 hours alone after I had smashed my phone? Did it seem like I had BPD when I smashed my head into the floor repeatedly because I was trying to crack open my skull so the bad thoughts could escape? Did it seem like I had BPD when I ruined relationships, and cried wolf, and did everything I could to push people away so that I could beg for them back?” Or was it simply the fact that I was able to sit in her kitchen, sip tea, and talk about our shared interests like a “normal” person, that made it seem so unbelievable.

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 23 years old. I am barely 26 now. This is an illness I have suffered with since I was a teenager, but was too scared, too unwilling, to speak to a doctor about. It took me over a year of seeing doctors before I was given my diagnosis, and the first thing my doctor said to me when I finally went to see her was, “You’ve been experiencing these feelings.. Since the age of 12? And you’re just now seeing a doctor at 22?.. I mean, it’s about time and I’m glad you’re here. But, wow.”

I suffered quietly with my illness. I let it grow and fester inside of me with no outlet, no knowledge of what was wrong with me. I, for the most part, thought it was almost normal to feel this way. It was only after I began to fully break down, that I realized I needed the help of a doctor.

So to anyone out there thinking, “Am I crazy? Is this normal? Should I seek help?”

I hope that in some way, I can answer your questions and help those seeking answers.

#BPD #borderline personality disorder #mental health #awarnesss #recovery

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hardyalise92 · 4 years

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How To Stop Cat Spraying Heat Stunning Unique Ideas

Give your cat behaviors that need attention.Yet, many problems adjusting with dogs as well.The final option is ultrasonic cat house soiling accidents because as they relearn the rules of the diagnosis is to handle when new.-- If your flea problem and don't expect your furry friend should be kept closed.

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In case if it is warmer, as fleas don't like other cats in particular, might later develop incontinence as a swelling of the leading causes for cats so teaching them not to touch him and the other hand de-clawing is just one color.When such a short length of hose and cut pieces of furniture just because they don't have very thick skin like their wild heritage than dogs.When bathing, do not like to burrow in the cats.Alternatively if you have established practices to help you do not do the job right the first place.Slowly we began getting them neutered/spayed.

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Cat Urine Grout

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How To Get Rid Of Cat Spraying Smell

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#How To Stop Cat Spraying Heat Stunning Unique Ideas #Cat Spray Prevention

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hollenius · 5 years

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re neurodivergent headcanons in Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul, I think the first time (a year or so ago) I read something where someone online suggested Chuck was somewhere on the autism spectrum (high functioning/Aspergers), I laughed it off as a ridiculous suggestion, because he didn’t “fit” many of the stereotypical traits seen in other fictional characters or in the popular conception of the topic…but in retrospect, I think that came more from my misunderstanding of the “spectrum” part of it than anything else. It’s definitely a plausible/possible diagnosis comorbid with the anxiety disorder(s) he canonically has.

· We know Chuck’s a good actor (e.g. his ability to fool Jimmy in “Klick”) and is able to mimic and slip into different sorts of social behaviors (e.g. his ability to social climb from a working class or lower-middle-class family to the world of white shoe law firms), so he’s probably capable of using masking in most public settings. This is apparently a more common trait in autistic women, but men do it as well, if less frequently.

· Studies asking about the long-term effects of masking seem to imply it takes a physical/emotional/mental toll on the person using it, which might explain why, by the time we see him in BCS, the stress of acting “normal” in meetings and the like, when compounded with the worsening of his anxiety problems, leaves him curled up under a space blanket for hours or even days afterward. Trying to compensate for multiple issues at once is probably even more taxing.

· He seems prone to getting overwhelmed by things and either shutting down or lashing out in reaction. The most extreme form of the former is when he goes catatonic for hours/days in response to being tazed or put in the CAT scan machine; the most extreme form of the latter is probably him completely losing it and shouting/crying/having to be physically restrained by the hospital staff because he’s so upset about being surrounded by lights/hooked up to an EKG/being recommended for a CAT scan.

· Contrary to stereotypes, Chuck is decent at reading people (or at least he’s extremely good at reading his brother and knowing how he behaves) and he interacts well with people within a work context, but he doesn’t seem to have any friends outside of it, or much in the way of a social life–the other lawyers hold him in awe as a sort of glorified animate law encyclopedia, rather than someone they would want to hang out with or chat with informally. (Though Chuck doesn’t come across as the sort who would be interested in chit chat with coworkers anyway...) Being totally housebound and cut off from the outside world is upsetting to Chuck primarily because it interferes with his work as a lawyer–we never get the sense that he’s upset about it having any effect on his interpersonal relationships, because he doesn’t seem to have any. This is probably why losing Rebecca hit him so hard. He’s got almost nobody else, besides Jimmy and Howard, and he’s really not emotionally open and unguarded with anyone.

· He’s got problems dealing with his emotions in general. Even when he’s trying to do his little pain/emotion/medication journal as part of his psychiatric treatment towards the end of season 3, he seems to struggle with articulating his emotional state–he’s just got “average” written down for most of the incidents he’s logged, but he’s not able to write down what his emotion is after he’s unable to sleep after insulting/lying to Jimmy to drive him away for the final time, and he seems to abandon writing in the journal after that & rapidly deteriorates psychologically. From what we see of him in the show, he seems to alternate between being extremely repressed and completely exploding and freaking out.

· Some people have no interest in having or wanting friends, but I don’t think Chuck’s one of them. He seems pretty lonely. He remarks to Jimmy at one point in season 1 that he doesn’t really mind him hanging around to work on the Sandpiper case in his house because he’s glad for the company, which makes his systematic driving away of Jimmy and the few other people in his life all the sadder. The whole root of Chuck’s jealousy of Jimmy in the first place is that people like Jimmy, and they don’t like him. He makes attempts at being friendly, but struggles to do it on anything deeper than a surface level. (Of course, a lot of Jimmy’s friendliness and charm tends to be pretty shallow too, but I don’t know that Chuck really appreciates that or can tell the difference–all he sees are the results.)

· He’s tone-deaf with jokes–he famously botches the attempt at a lawyer joke to his wife in the opening flashback in “Rebecca”, but he also makes an awkward attempt at humor when talking to Kim in a present-day scene later in that same episode (“the early bird gets the worm, which is good if you like worms”), which leads to some uncomfortable forced laughter from her. Some people are just serious by nature, but they probably wouldn’t bother trying to make jokes in the first place if that were the case. The fact that Chuck keeps trying to make jokes and failing suggests that there might be some impairment in that area. He sees Jimmy do it, and he sees it work for him, but can’t really manage it himself. (He seems to do ok with deadpan sarcasm though–that comment about young people loving local print journalism is probably my favorite Chuck quote.)

· He’s very verbal and articulate, but his speech patterns can be a bit odd. He can be indirect and overly formal, which may or may not be an overcompensation for the more stereotypical autistic behavior of being too direct in speech as to be insensitive. He usually winds up still coming off as elitist and assholish anyway, though he may not be intending this/aware of this. When he’s nervous or upset, he tends to devolve into talking at people rather than to them, such as when he starts rambling on about probable cause and assorted legal precedents to the police officers who show up at his house in “Alpine Shepherd Boy”, without noticing that they aren’t even standing at the door anymore. He’s got a lot of information rattling around in his head, which he throws out as a defense, but not always in a way that is helpful; I don’t think talking about Latin translations of the Hippocratic Oath to the doctors sedating him without his consent before sending him in for a CAT scan is doing him any good (NB: the actual Hippocratic Oath is in Greek anyway, and the phrase Primum non nocere dates from a later period, so either Chuck has no idea what he’s talking about, he’s conflating two related things, or he’s freaking out enough that he doesn’t really care at this point).

· He seems to ignore other people when they’re talking to him altogether if something sets him off or distracts him–when Howard tells him about Kim quitting HHM and teaming up with Jimmy, Chuck immediately tunes him out, to the point where Howard has to ask him if he’s still listening. Chuck says he is, but then walks off in the middle of Howard talking because he’s still distracted by what he said before, sending a confused/concerned Howard following after him. This is at its most extreme when he goes into his rant in “Chicanery” and is totally oblivious to both Galley pleading with him to stop and everybody else in the room staring at him in growing horror/disbelief until he’s far past the point of no return.

· I’m actually sort of curious about Chuck’s abilities in court prior to the visible deterioration of his mental health, because although he clearly knows a lot about the law, his personality is a bit off-putting. I don’t know if he just sort of brute-forced his way through things because of his knowledge of obscure case law, because based on what I know from the lawyers I’m friends with, there are all sorts of subjective factors that can come into play in a court setting. The sort of things that would drive someone like Chuck nuts, like jurors who deliberately choose to ignore evidence because they’ve decided in advance that they don’t want to convict someone of a crime. (To be fair, this would also drive me completely insane, because I have a really hard time at my own job dealing with people who think the rules shouldn’t apply to them for various reasons.)

· Chuck has an EXTREMELY black and white view of the world, and a sort of obsession with the authority of law and the importance of following the rules. He’s got really strong perfectionist tendencies within himself. I think a lot of why he gravitates toward the law is that he seems to find all the rules and procedures comforting, in a way--there’s a uniformity to the way the legal world works, and a framework in which everything proceeds--constraints which are equally binding on all participants.

· Maybe he just knows a ton about the law because he’s a lawyer, but it might also fall into the case of it being a special interest, since his knowledge of obscure case law seems to be regarded as extensive and superlative even by other lawyers. (He reads FEC and ISO reports for fun!)

· There’s something slightly elliptical about his thinking, and he doesn’t seem to realize that other people aren’t following his thought patterns. (He repeats his “One after Magna Carta!” justification for knowing the Mesa Verde address to Kim and Jimmy in season 2 as well as to the officials from the Bar in season 3, which seems to suggest that he thinks it is a very obvious and logical connection that other people should grasp, though I’m not sure that it actually is outside of his head.)

· I’m not entirely sure where the line between nervous tics and stimming is drawn, but he’s got a lot of little fidgety behaviors that come out especially when he’s stressed, especially scratching or shaking or wringing his hands. (The script to “Chicanery” indicates that he’s nearly drawing blood from digging into his hands while on his big rant, but it��s not visible onscreen because we’ve got that wonderful/agonizing slow zoom onto his face instead.) It's not clear if it predates the EHS or not. Sometimes there’s a clear tie in his behavior to perceived pain from electricity, but sometimes there’s not--sometimes it seems to result from him trying to distract himself from the electricity instead, like when he’s trying to stand outside the house for two minutes in “Bingo”. Sometimes he does it while he’s standing around in his house, thinking about something else, like while rehearsing arguments against Jimmy before he heads in to court in “Chicanery”.

· There’s a pretty strong preference for routine/predictability & distress when it’s altered. (Most people probably would not get so suspicious if a single newspaper wasn’t delivered one day, for example. If it was repeated or frequent or a pattern, yes, but not for a single paper.) His control issues are brought up pretty frequently in fandom discussions; maybe he’s a jerk, maybe he’s just not able to function well in unpredictable situations, maybe it’s a little of both (e.g. Chuck being really bothered by Ernie bringing him the wrong kind of apples, then saying that it didn’t really bother him that much...but then telling Ernie to write it down so that he would get the right apple the next time, indicating that he actually WAS bothered by it)

· It’s possible his perceived sensitivity to electricity grew out of an existing natural sensitivity or aversion to extremes in light or sound or anything else, but this is pure conjecture because we get so few flashback scenes. (Speaking only from personal experience, I don’t think I’m hurt by electricity, but I can hear lights when they’re turned on, and get uncomfortable/anxious under certain types of light, like fluorescents in big box stores when out shopping, so maybe someone who’s more sensitive to sensory things in general might be more prone to developing a sort of learned distress out of that.)

All of this is very inconclusive! But it’s totally plausible as a reading of the character.

#long post #meta #better call saul #chuck McGill #long posts about loathed characters!

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sextonsharpwinhalstead · 5 years

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Ava Bekker

Hey you! Are you bored? Great me too, I’ve given this more time than I should, but I’ll say this. Bravo Med. They are not known for doing long plots, they are known for doing a thing and then promptly forgetting the thing. But not with this story. Med has never had a true antagonistic character. Until Ava Bekker.

In the Med fandom she has almost always been maligned, hated, shit-on, and fans are constantly asking for her to be taken off the show. I have no idea if this has shaped the current story for her, but it makes it a bit more interesting. Even more interesting has been the ushering of new blogs on this sight and others who use her face and likeness to celebrate her. But I always wonder what they are celebrating. I’ll give you a clue; It rhymes with her last name.

At some point when the show announced that Norma was being added to the cast, they also mentioned that she would have sexual tension/be a love interest, you know cause, Med can’t hold water. Please remember that statement going forward.

That was it for some of you, so excited to see what would happen with your favorite male protagonist and the new pretty white woman, you were so excited that you stopped paying attention, like almost immediately, to her behavior. Rose colored glasses.

To be fair Med has worked harder than it ever has in order to pull the wool over our eyes. But let me help you see some things.

The very first time we meet Ava it’s pretty clear by her composure and the ever-present smug look on her face that she has an ego. She talks down to anyone who isn’t a surgeon (Ethan) and immediately bumps heads with Connor, who in my opinion over reacted to her comment about Latham. She is set up as a rival and that’s what it seems she is until AFTER she operates on Robin. Ava claims that people in the hospital have been gossiping and she found out all the dirt on Connor that way. I could buy maybe finding out about Robin that way, but Dr. Latham would not entertain gossip in his OR.

What I think actually happened?

Ava took a tour around the hospital noticed an entire wing bearing the name Rhodes and now wanted to know more about the rising star at Med. So, she approaches him in THE most inappropriate and sexual harassing way. She casually brings up his mother’s suicide like she’s talking about buying bread, disrespects his relationship to Dr. Downey and his memory, and then insults the woman she just assisted in operating on, Connor’s girlfriend. Connor lets it’s roll off his back cause if you hadn’t noticed that’s how Connor is, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t upset or offended. She sums it all up by saying all this tragedy is because of him (blaming the victim) and then she does something so off, she says she’s into dangerous men. At this point SHE is the instigator and has made eyes at him (basically since they met).

Connor’s face is NOT intrigued. It’s the same looks he’s been giving her as of late. A feeling of wondering who she is, not because he’s intimidated but because he’s offended, alarmed, and reminding himself to stay cautious. If this feels like a stretch pretend the roles were reversed and Ava was a man and Connor was a woman. Does that scene still seem like a hot couple on the rise? Or a creep who has already crossed a social boundary in the first 5 hours of meeting someone.

From here on out Ava is painted in a confusing manner. She seems to try her best to undermine Connor in their “rivalry” over getting surgeries. She NEVER truly wins. She’s also failing to deal with HER sexual attraction to HIM. Connor NEVER flirts with her, in fact he explicitly states that he wants nothing to do with her and would not like to spend his free time with her. This is after she asks him to get a drink, a request she badgers him with even after he makes it clear he isn’t interested. Once again, reverse the roles, a man who does nothing but question your intelligence all day, makes snide comments about your significant other’s mental health, or your ability to take care of them; then propositions you for a drink. You’d think he was a sleazebag.

But it’s not all negative, Ava realizes she can’t get honey with vinegar, so she makes all the attempts to be nice, but why be nice to the person who’s been an asshole to you? Which is why Connor isn’t, plus it’s obvious she wants to get into his pants and he’s not going to encourage anything, even friendship. Remember ladies, this is probably what you too would do in a sexual harassment scenario.

Then Robin leaves. Connor goes on a sexual bender NONE that include Ava. She is somewhat passive aggressive in her nature with him at this point. This is the part of the story that snowed EVERYONE. She seemed “okay” with it until they made out in the breakroom, went home and had vanilla sex. Whatever, you know it was missionary don’t @ me. But by the next morning she feels like it’s a mistake. This is when I began to side-eye her, never believing we’d be where we are now, but it was wild.

Think about it, this doctor who has been wildly inappropriate (even in front of a patient) FINALLY sleeps with the man she’s been after since day one and now she’s calling time. You could say that sleeping with him was the realization that she had crossed a line that was only meant to be flirty, but I don’t think so.

The line she crossed was one of her mental health. See I have a theory. This is NOT Ava’s first time dealing with obsessive thoughts and behavior revolving around a person. I think she knew she was falling into a dangerous territory.

The only reason I theorize this is because of the hints they give about Ava’s empathy around patients being bed-ridden and unable to live their lives. One could empathize if they had been stuck in a room unable to leave…like in a padded cell.

Also, one line she told a patient: “I believe that whenever you do something out of love, it can’t never really be wrong.”

We aren’t going to discuss the “Steal a win” or even “The means justify the end” because we’ve all seen it. I rather focus on what everyone forgot.

Fast forward to the last half of season 3. Ava is playing nicely with Connor, he is falling in love with her, saying things like “We make a good team” and “Good job in there” but that pesky attending spot is still a point of contention. After his epic failure saving a mother and baby it looks like Ava is going to clench the spot. But he comes in and saves the surgery. Securing a spot at Med AND Mayo. This should make Ava happy, but we’re led to believe she’s hurt doubly because he’s bested her (again) and she’s losing the man she loves. But more than anything I think this episode shows she’s beginning to lose it.

Now let’s get into the premiere. It’s obvious that he wants to stay, and she wants him to stay. He is still putting himself out there and she is still playing aloof. Until he REALLY looks like he’s leaving, a party is thrown, and he has said his goodbyes. But Ava has a trick up her sleeve. We all know what it is. It’s the first time she does something to control his actions. THIS IS NOT LOVE. THIS IS ABUSE.

The only way Ava has not slept with Connor’s dad (for money) cut herself (to play on his need to save the day) and snitch on him to the board (so she could save him) is if the show is REALLY using the whole “she doesn’t know how to express her feelings” story line but it doesn’t make much sense, maybe in season 3, but now? It isn’t plausible. Ava fits into an OLD diagnosis.

“Obsessive love disorder” (OLD) refers to a condition where you become obsessed with one person you think you may be in love with. You might feel the need to protect your loved one obsessively, or even become controlling of them as if they were a possession.

What are the symptoms of obsessive love disorder?

Symptoms of OLD may include:

· an overwhelming attraction to one person

· obsessive thoughts about the person

· feeling the need to “protect” the person you’re in love with

· possessive thoughts and actions

· extreme jealousy over other interpersonal interactions

· low self-esteem

I could write a dissertation on how Ava fits all of these. She was immediately attracted to Connor and intensely.

Connor is the only person she interacts with and the only person she discusses almost all the time. We never hear about her life or if she even has one. No holidays with family. Nothing.

The last episode illustrates that as well as her stepping up to the plate to take the blame too.

The last two are going to be seen when Robin shows up. It’s already in the synopsis about her being jealous, and jealously is often accompanied by possessiveness.

Most of these actions accumulate to low self-esteem…

Oh, and lookout for these in the future:

People who have OLD may also not take rejection easily. In some cases, the symptoms could worsen at the end of a relationship or if the other person rejects you. There are other signs of this disorder, such as:

· repeated texts, emails, and phone calls to the person they’re interested in

· a constant need for reassurance

· difficulty having friendships or maintaining contact with family members because of the obsession over one person

· monitoring the actions of the other person

· controlling where the other person goes and the activities they engage in

However, as much as I believe they are going down this route I don’t completely agree with it. Why is that all the women on the show “go crazy”? Especially around Connor.

His mother jumped off a building (she was married to Cornelius so there’s that).

Robin was literally institutionalized and had a complete breakdown in front of her colleagues at the hospital, messing with her sense of integrity and self, and ultimately being the end of their relationship.

And of course, Sarah, who could forget the “How are we supposed to do our jobs if we don’t feel safe Maggie!” scream heard round the ED and of course, tazering a patient.

Somehow, they’ve managed to make the men seem sound even when they have issues.

When Ethan is ready to tackle his PTSD it’s done in the safety of Daniel’s office and intimate chats with Vicky.

Daniel’s is the same, he contacts his psychiatrist on a lovely walk and apologizes to Sarah for his behavior stemming from his depression; no harm no foul.

Even Will, whose behavior is supposed to be “erratic” the last couple of episodes is really just season 1 Will and not anything indicative of needing help.

I don’t like being right, well in this case, a little. But normally when I am its Med letting me down. Med has always been as subtle as a sledgehammer. They can almost NEVER keep a secret, they don’t trust their fans. So, most of you aren’t used to being kept in the dark. I can’t even begin to tell you how sad that just made me to write that. The fact is there is NOTHING to explain her behavior that will make you feel good. No matter how you spin it Ava slept with his father. She did. Ava got mad at Connor for not listening to her and cut herself on his blade; purposely. She did. Ava is the one who anonymously turned him in. She did. Ava is the one who sees herself as a victim, and Connor as ungrateful for everything she has “done” for him. She truly believes she’s is doing the right thing and that’s what makes her so delusional and dangerous. Take a breath, a walk, get a drink. But get good with the fact that the character you love isn’t stable and probably never has been.

#chicago med #ava bekker #mental health

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lowbloodsugarlevels · 5 years

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Low Blood Sugar Headache

When we think about the ill-effects of sugar, we usually think about our expanding waistlines or cavities. However, uncontrolled blood sugar levels can also lead to headaches. Did you know that having poor blood sugar can cause headaches? Noticing these headaches can help you take preventative measures against these life-threatening complications. But when it comes to identifying the signs and symptoms of a low blood sugar headache, not everyone knows what to look for.

Continue reading to learn more about diabetes and a low blood sugar headache.

WHAT ARE THE CAUSES OF DIABETES?

According to a study done by the American Diabetes Association (ADA), about 30 million people suffer from diabetes. You may be wondering “What is diabetes?” Diabetes is a condition where the body is unable to regulate blood sugar (glucose) through a hormone known as insulin. As time goes on, diabetes can lead to severe complications such as kidney failure and heart disease.

There are multiple variations of diabetes with the most common being type 1 and type 2. While there are many theories and suggestions, there is no definitive cause of diabetes. However, many doctors suggest that both genetics and environmental factors play a role in the development of diabetes.

TYPE 1 DIABETES

Type 1 diabetes is what causes your immune system to destroy the cells that produce insulin. Due to this, you’ll be left with very little to no insulin and the sugar that goes to the cells end up going into your bloodstream.

TYPE 2 DIABETES

Type 2 diabetes is a bit different than type 1. Instead of your immune system destroying the insulin-producing cells, they become resistant to it. As a result, your pancreas becomes unable to produce enough insulin to fight off the resistance. And similar to type 1, all the sugar is directed into your bloodstream rather than the cells.

DIABETES AND LOW BLOOD SUGAR

Now that you know what diabetes is, let’s go into more about how it correlates with headaches. To start, not everyone who has diabetes is going to experience headaches. However, people who have been recently diagnosed with diabetes may have headaches as they find a way to manage their blood sugar levels. For other people, headaches can occur due to the changes in their blood sugar.

In the context of diabetes, a headache may be an indication that the glucose levels are too high. The higher a person’s glucose levels are, the more likely they’ll experience headaches. On the other hand, headaches may also occur when a person’s blood sugar levels are too low. This is known as hypoglycemia.

UNDERSTANDING HYPOGLYCEMIA

Knowing what hypoglycemia is and how it causes low blood sugar headache is the first step to preventing one. Doctors believe that hypoglycemia occurs when a person’s blood sugar levels are lower than 70 milligrams per deciliter. This is a very severe condition as glucose is the main source of fuel for most of the cells within the body, including ones in the brain.

As for the symptoms, they tend to occur suddenly and are easier to recognize than hyperglycemic symptoms.

The symptoms of hypoglycemia may include:

Chills

Anxiety

Blurry vision

Nausea

Hunger

Confusion

Dizziness

Sweating

Lightheadedness

Increased heart rate

Irritability

Weakness

Seizures

Hypoglycemia occurs when a person takes too much insulin or doesn’t eat enough food. It’s crucial that you carefully manage your diabetes and treat these symptoms as soon as possible. Not only will this prevent you from experiencing headaches, but it will also prevent life-threatening complications.

HEADACHES FROM LOW BLOOD SUGAR

Hypoglycemic headaches are generally described as being dull, throbbing feeling within the temples. In addition, it may be associated with nervousness, blurred vision and irritability. Although it’s a bit rare, hypoglycemia can also trigger a migraine headache. A few people who experienced migraines have reported that they were craving carbohydrates before it hit them. Some doctors speculate that this could be the body’s way of maintaining blood sugar and preventing headaches from occurring.

Interestingly enough, hypoglycemia-induced migraines might not be accompanied by symptoms like sensitivity to light, nausea and vomiting. Instead, the migraine is accompanied by the symptoms of hypoglycemia, which are listed above.

PREVENTION OF A LOW BLOOD SUGAR HEADACHE

The best way to a prevent hypoglycemic headache is to keep your glucose levels from dropping. For those who have diabetes, make sure that you follow the management plan your doctor set for you. Always check in with your doctor so they can monitor you for changes that may end up affecting your treatment plan.

Not every case of hypoglycemia is caused by diabetes. If this is the case, then you’ll need to change your diet. Many doctors have suggested for those suffering from hypoglycemia that they eat smaller, but frequent amounts of snacks and meals. Furthermore, it’s recommended that you don’t go over three hours without eating.

Of course, we’re not saying eat anything you can get your hands on. You need to keep your diet healthy. Eating a nutritional, well-balanced diet that’s rich in fiber and protein can make maintaining your blood sugar levels easier. However, foods that contain high amounts of alcohol and sugar should be limited or avoided altogether, especially if your stomach is empty. Lastly, it’s important that you remain physically active.

TREATMENT

People with hypoglycemia must always keep a snack and their blood sugar monitor on them. If your glucose levels drop, it’s up to you to get it back somewhere between 70 and 100 mg/dl.

Here are a few ways you can accomplish this:

Consume at least 15 grams of a fast-acting carbohydrate like fruit juice or a piece of hard candy.

Take over-the-counter (OTC) gel or tablets.

Eat something that has both protein and carbohydrates such as crackers, cheese and peanut butter.

If the headache or symptoms you’re experiencing aren’t subsiding by one of these methods, contact your doctor immediately. If the episode you’re experiencing is too severe, go to the hospital. It’s not recommended that you drive yourself as hypoglycemia is known for causing people to lose consciousness. If no one is around to help get you to the emergency room, contact 911 immediately.

THE TAKEAWAY

If you’re suffering from diabetes and are showing symptoms of hypoglycemia, you must see your doctor. Hypoglycemia can become life-threatening if left untreated. The doctor will investigate the cause and devise a treatment plan that fits your needs.

If you don’t have diabetes but are experiencing hypoglycemic episodes, you need to see your doctor for proper diagnosis. Once you determine the cause, adjust your lifestyle and diet accordingly to keep your glucose levels from dropping.

Living with diabetes doesn’t have to be a death sentence. Share this knowledge on social media and let’s win the war against diabetes.

#lowblood #bloodsugar #sugarheadache #type1 diabetes #type2 diabetes #hypoglycemia

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sirfrogsworth · 6 years

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OCD-ish

I forgot to delete a word in a post.

I said Trump “would can.”

He just can! He doesn’t would can!

Ugh. Why didn’t I proofread it 17 more times like I always do?

Realistically, do you think I could message every person who reblogged that post and ask them to re-reblog it with the corrected version?

And if I spent all night messaging those 48 people, would that be a good use of my time?

And if it isn’t a good use of my time and I do it anyway, is it possible I am on the OCD spectrum?

If I am, I think I am on the high functioning end and only have minimal triggers. It only rears its ugly head on occasion. It usually has to do with perfectionism. When I am passionate about an endeavor I will obsessively craft it. Which does help create something of quality. In many cases it ends up being a positive thing. But it can also cause me to work on something for a very long time. Much longer than sanity would allow. And when I push myself past sanity, I can really exacerbate my fatigue. Which then turns it into a negative.

On occasion I will be unable to call something complete. Even if it is “good enough” and would probably be considered done by most people. It will just remain unfinished perpetually because my mind won’t let me say, “It’s done already!” If I do finish something, the obsessive behavior doesn’t always end there. If I end up putting a mistake out into the world that I was capable of catching and fixing beforehand (e.g. would can), it will drive me a bit mad.

My perfectionist/obsessive behavior can take different forms, but my creative work is usually the most common culprit. Thankfully if a mistake was truly out of my control, then I am usually fine. And if I am not particularly passionate about something, I can usually just “meh” it away.

Many folks deal with OCD constantly and that sucks. I won’t even try to relate my thing to their suffering. While it can really bother me at first and make my mind enter a frustrating feedback loop, I usually overcome and move on in a reasonable amount of time. It’s probably not even worthy of a diagnosis. I’ve never even brought it up with my psychiatrist. I’m mostly discussing it now because I am curious about my brain functions.

Even though I’m about to be a hypocrite... I do kinda hate when people self diagnose OCD. Especially when they cite mythical symptoms. Like they washed their hands twice that one time or vacuum on a regular basis. Or they “really identify with Monk.”

If people don’t have access to mental healthcare, sometimes self diagnosis is the only option. But sometimes people really deep dive and end up convincing themselves they have 20 behavioral disorders. Which is usually followed by... “Welp. I better update my tumblr description.”

Information found on the web should only be a guide to help seek out coping strategies. And the goal should be to see a professional when circumstances allow. Many of these conditions are not of a “self help” variety. Which sucks because so many folks cannot get in to see a doctor or therapist. I have no idea why mental health is so separated in the healthcare world. Insurance should apply to the brain as well. I mean, it’s like the most important thing in our body.

In the end, Wikipedia cannot replace medical school and folks cannot always treat themselves no matter how good at research they may be. The DSM-5 usually requires professional interpretation. And sometimes definitively labeling oneself with a self diagnosed condition can be insulting. Especially if someone uses that label merely to get attention or to seem special or different. If people aren’t sure they should say things like, “I suspect I have this.” Or “my best guess is this.”

It’s like WebMD telling someone they have cancer and then that person goes to a cancer ward and says, “I know how you guys feel. Us cancer folks got to stick together, right? Have you guys made a dedicated Facebook page for your cancer journey yet? Should I shave my head now or just wait until my homemade chemo takes care of it?”

Maybe some folks do actually have what they suspect. But too many people can be a little quick to make it part of their identity. And sometimes they make it their entire identity. I actually try very hard to not let my illness define me.

I know I am jokey about it, but the “would can” thing does actually bother me. And if you don’t understand why it bothers me, then you probably have good mental health. Congrats!

I feel like my brain is burning from within. My internal monologue has an occasional high pitched scream in the background. I’ve gone back to reblogged posts and just stared at the mistake. As if I can change it with my mind powers.

It’s a fascinating example of how the brain can express conflicting thoughts and emotions at the same time.

I can see the humor. I can talk about it. It’s funny! ...but it’s not.

It’s not a big deal. I’m not worried. But it is and I am.

No one cares! I care.

*laughing heartily* *high pitched scream*

There is one thought that isn’t in conflict and I think it is why I might be luckier than some.

I can live with it. And I can.

Maybe that isn’t OCD. Maybe I am misunderstanding the condition. (Which happens when you only consult yourself.) It could just be run-of-the-mill craziness and perfectionism with a dash of general anxiety. It may be something I’ve never even heard of. Which is why I’m fine not labeling myself or making it a part of my identity. I am just the tired guy with sporadic depressanxiety. (Which is a combo diagnosis I made up because I am an Internet Doctor.)

Now comes the coping.

I know it is just one word. I know people can still derive the meaning of the sentence. I know almost none of them care about the error. It’s a decent post and I am glad people are responding to it. All is good.

So why does this taunt my very soul? Whyyyyyyyyyyy?

This, too, shall pass.

I wish it would-can pass already!

Soon I’ll forget about it and make a brand new misteak to worry about. Probably something just as obvious that I will totally miss in my 34 proofreads.

And the cycle continues.

#mental health #ocd

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grootiez · 6 years

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The Joys of Raising a Teenaged Groot- Chapter 37: The Meeting

The next day, Rocket came to visit Groot to discover that he was fully recovered from the flu that he suffered from yesterday. Groot was more alert and eager to start his day as Azrik got him into the patient lift and into his wheelchair and buckled in before he took Groot down to the nurse’s office to have his feeding tube hooked up to him for his breakfast.

As Azrik left with Groot in tow down the hallway, Rocket had a few unexpected visitors enter Groot’s room: the rest of the Guardians.

“Hey, Rocket.” Peter greeted. “How are you and Groot holding up?”

“We’re good.” Rocket answered. “Azrik just took Groot down to the nurse’s office to have his feeding tube hooked up to him. He’ll be back soon.” Groot’s excited screams could be heard down the hallway. “...Or right now.” He said as Azrik brought Groot back to his room.

Groot was happy to see the other Guardians. The teenager squealed in delight as he tried to outstretch his arms in an effort to hug each of them, where they each gave him a hug, one by one as Azrik affixed the lap tray to Groot’s wheelchair and placed his talker on its stand.

“Alright, Groot, we’re going to do something a little different this morning before you go to therapy today.” Azrik informed Groot as he looked at his aide, confused. He then turned to the other Guardians. “We have to have a meeting concerning Groot’s future care. So, if you guys don’t mind, we can go down to the conference room to discuss this.” Azrik added as he started to push Groot down to the conference room as the other Guardians followed.

They all filed into the conference room, Drax holding the door open for everyone before closing it. They each sat down in one of the plush dark brown leather seats as Azrik parked Groot in the middle of the Guardians before sitting on the other side of the table and getting out Groot’s case file.

Azrik cleared his throat before he began his statement. “As you all are well aware, Groot wasn’t expected to make it this far.” He stated as Rocket held Groot’s hand in order to make him feel at ease. “Groot wasn’t even expected to live, but by some miracle, he pulled through.” Rocket then smiled at his son. “However, Groot’s recovery hasn’t been easy. His diagnosis was severe brain damage from his injuries and his prognosis was for him to be no more than a bedridden vegetable dependent on machines for the rest of his life. He was not supposed to even make eye contact with anyone or understand what was going on around him.” Groot tried to not become upset at these words.

Azrik then smiled at Groot as he looked at the teenager in the eyes. “But you’ve proven everybody wrong, Groot. You can look at everyone who sees you everyday and know who they are, you don’t need a ventilator to breathe, you’re not a vegetable by any means, you’re not confined to your bed, instead you’re sitting in your wheelchair and you’re able to do more things and move around because of it, Ms. Calina says that you’re enjoying speech therapy and using your voice synthesizer to communicate, especially since Ms. Calina was able to merge Rocket’s voice with yours so it’ll sound more natural, and your therapists say that you’re making progress in rehab.”

“So... why are we here? You could’ve just told us he was doing so well in his room. Why do we need a meeting?” Peter questioned.

The comment didn’t faze Azrik, who stated. “It is with my recommendation that we send Groot home.”

The Guardians were speechless for a moment, followed by uninterrupted cheers and congratulations for Groot. Groot expressed his happiness by joyous cheering.

When the celebrating died down, Azrik continued. “Now, the only caveat is that this is only a trial period of time. Groot has a lot of medical concerns and if anything should go wrong, he’ll need to be brought back here for further care. Your house would also have to be inspected and be declared safe and accessible for Groot before he is able to come home.”

“When you say a ‘trial period’, how long do you mean by that?” Drax questioned.

“We want to see how Groot would do at home for a couple of days, so we’re probably going to send him home for a weekend, starting on a Friday, staying overnight, and him coming back to us on Monday.” Azrik explained. “However, Groot has multiple medical conditions that would make a sudden life change such as this impossible, so we have to slowly get him used to it over time, until both you and him are comfortable.”

“What conditions are you talking about?” Rocked asked worriedly.

“Groot doesn’t like sudden changes in his daily routine or environment unless he knows what to expect. Which brings me to my next point. Starting tomorrow, we’re going to move Groot from the special housing unit, down to the transitional housing unit.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kraglin asked as he ate some soup.

“Transitional housing is where all of our patients go when they will be discharged soon and can go home to their families. But since Groot has a couple more special needs, it would be advisable that you attend some of these home life sessions with Groot so that you can properly care for him.” Azrik advised.

“What are these sessions about?” Gamora asked as she got out her notebook to write down notes for the other Guardians.

“Well, since Groot is unable to tell you when he needs to go to the bathroom and isn’t able to be potty trained, you’ll need to learn how to change his diaper.” Azrik answered.

“Well, that won’t be too hard. We’ve raised Groot from when he was a baby and needed to change his diaper before he was potty trained, this won’t be much different.” Peter stated.

“Actually, it is.” Azrik replied. “Since Groot doesn’t have proper bladder control, he had to have a catheter put in to help control his bladder movements. It also needs to be changed twice a day- as soon as he wakes up and taken out before he gets his shower and replaced with a new one afterwards and just before he goes to bed. Now, if he falls ill, he’ll need a catheter change 3 times a day.” Groot winced in response.

“Anything else?” Gamora queried.

“Yes, you’ll also be learning how to help give Groot a shower. Since he isn’t mobile on his own he’ll need the use of a commode chair just to get into the shower.” Azrik began. “You’ll also need to wash him with a shower wand to make it easier on yourselves.”

Kraglin soon realizes a problem and brings up his concerns. “But we don’t have a shower big enough to fit all of this stuff. Plus, converting the showerhead into a handheld one might be a problem...”

Peter was confused by what Kraglin was saying. “Kraglin... the shower was working just fine yesterday. What are you talking about?” Kraglin stared at the floor as Peter placed a finger underneath his chin and made the Xandarian look at him in the eye. “Tell us the truth...”

“...I reconverted the showerhead so that instead of water coming out, it rains hot soup instead...” Kraglin mumbled as everyone except for Groot and Azrik covered their faces with their palms. “What? It was Drax’s idea...”

The Guardians let out a collective moan. Peter was not too happy that he would have to call the plumbers again to fix another problem with the shower, on top of possibly having to widen and probably convert the shower to a roll-in shower in order to fit and accommodate the commode chair Groot would need to be able to even get in the shower.

Gamora broke the silence after an uncomfortable minute. “Is there anything else that we’ll need to learn in order to take care of Groot?”

“The biggest and most important thing that you’ll need to learn in order to properly care for Groot is how to feed him and give him his medications through his feeding tube.” Azrik took note of the Guardians’ faces as he talked. “Now, I know that all of this sounds daunting, but if you guys start to feel overwhelmed, we can look into hiring a professional home care nurse to look after Groot full time. They will take on the responsibilities of administering his medications to him, giving him his formula through his feeding tube, basically all of the medical care that he needs, his nurse will be able to provide for him.”

“Is that all?” Gamora asked as she flipped to a new blank page in her notebook.

“Just one more thing. Are you planning on taking Groot anywhere after he’s discharged?” Azrik inquired.

“Well, yeah. I mean, I’ve been talking to him about taking him different places after he leaves here and he’s excited about it.” Rocket answered as he held Groot’s hand as the teen squealed happily.

“Do you have a way of getting Groot around?” Azrik questioned.

Peter thought about his answer. “Well, yeah, I mean, we have a car of course.”

“Can your vehicle accommodate Groot?” Azrik asked.

“Well, yeah. It ain’t like Groot’s going to be standing up in the car while we’re driving.” Peter was starting to get annoyed.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea for him either.” Azrik stated. “Groot needs to be seated down in a moving vehicle. Now, there’s two options for him. The first would be specialized car seat designed for special needs individuals like Groot.” He showed the Guardians a brochure of the car seat in question. It was designed just like an ordinary car seat for babies and toddlers, but the size was much larger for teens and adults. It also had a block in the middle to prevent Groot’s legs from squeezing against each other. “However, in order to use the car seat, Groot must be able to sit up on his own without any assistance of any type. I’m sorry to say that this would not be feasible for him.”

“Then what would be feasible for him to get around in?” Gamora asked as Azrik handed the Guardians another brochure.

“Since the only safe way to transport Groot is in his wheelchair, he’ll need a special van to get around in.” Azrik began. “Luckily, this company specializes in building those types of vehicles so that the people who need them the most get them. There’s almost no difference in between driving them and a regular car. The only difference is that in the back where the lift gte is for the trunk, there will be a wheelchair lift to get Groot in and out of the van. The last row of seats will also be removed, except for a single captain-style seat next to the bay where Groot’s wheelchair would be tied down so that he can safely ride in the vehicle. Now, given the size of your family, you would have to get the biggest van that the company currently offers. The layout would be the leather driver’s seat and front passenger seat, 2 rows of bench-style leather seats, that can fit 3 people and 4 people, respectively, and the single captain seat in the back next to the wheelchair bay with tie down straps where Groot would be riding from.”

Peter was a little bit skeptical at all of the features. “How much is all of this going to cost?”

Azrik took a deep sigh. “Unfortunately, these types of vans are expensive. Since your family needs the biggest one that they make and Groot needs all of the space in the back, it’s going to cost around 100,000 Units.”

Peter balked at the price tag. There was no way any of the Guardians could ever afford the vehicle. Before he could say anything, Gamora talked to him.

“Peter, it’s okay. We’ll find a way to pay off the van so that we can take Groot places.” She reassures the humie as Peter calms down.

After a moment, Azrik turned to Groot. He then asked the teen, “Now, Groot, do you have any questions about what we discussed?”

Groot thought about everything that was said. He still couldn’t believe that he was going to get the chance to go home. Even though it was only going to be for a short trial period to see how he’ll make out. “When can I go home?” He asked through his voice synthesizer.

“Well, Groot, you’ll need to have your halo removed and be in the transition program for a while, but as soon as we feel that you’re ready, you can go home.” Azrik told Groot as the teenager squealed happily as he squeezed Rocket’s hand.

The meeting was now over. Everyone then went to Groot’s therapy session. They (especially Rocket) couldn’t believe that soon, Groot would be able to go home.

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Read on Ao3.

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