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saltygilmores · 5 months

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THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING GILMORE GIRLS: S3/EP4/ONE’S GOT CLASS THE OTHER ONE DYES (PART 2)

Luke and Lorelai both have "unique" approaches to conducting business, I'll give them that. This chapter was rough for me to write for some reason and then I LOST my draft partway through and had to rewrite everything! Some things that are happening:

-Lane attempts to initiate a conversation with Mrs Kim about her new band. She loses her courage before Mrs. Kim presents her with applications to strict Christian colleges. -Michel suggests that the honor of being named a Successful Person in Business is a low bar to clear when Lorelai's only business competitor in Stars Hollow is a presumably homeless and/or mentally ill fellow who scours the streets for change with a metal detector. I mean, yeah, he has more ambition and a better work ethic than Lorelai does.

-Luke is reluctant about the speaking gig and Lorelai threatens to embarrass him by singing badly in public if he does not comply. He may as well refuse since she's going to embarrass him on a daily basis no matter what he does anyway? -Luke says he went to Stars Hollow High for three years. Huh? I thought he's lived in The Hollow his entire life? High school is four years long. Did he move, drop out or graduate early? No explanation was given at this point in time.

-Luke has "no good memories" of high school. Join the club. -Luke asks Lorelai if she's ever been diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder. No, the answer you're looking for is no. She is unmedicated and dangerous.

My beloved Tomatos Sign is missing! You'd think it was because after 3 years the prop department noticed the spelling error and took it down to fix it. You would be wrong. It'll return shortly to be Tomatos for several more years. Should I ask that Valerie Campbell lady (as "key set designer" is her title, I believe) why it took 5+ years for someone to notice one of the most visible props for the entire run of the series had a spelling error?

Lane is interesting. Yes, she is naive in many ways, that's a given with her upbringing. But she is also painfully self aware and highly intelligent. She is definitely not stupid. She fully realizes how desperately boxed in she is by her neurotic mother. She makes the effort and takes risks to live life on her own terms even though it usually seems futile and AmyShermanPalladino is always lurking around a corner waiting to shatter all her hopes and dreams. Rory on the other hand is such a pathetic people pleaser and so desperate to keep her mother happy that I think she's blind to the fact that she's actually in a similar situation, Lorelai just masks it under the veneer of being a "cool young mom" and Rory is content to remain more stagnant. I have more thoughts on this subject but let's not make this into a rambly mess. On with the ShitCircus.

I can't believe it looks there's another fucking festival going on in the background. I am grateful some of these seasonal events exist because it helps me keep track of where we are in the year. There's pumpkins, it's fall, the Thanksgiving episode is still a ways away so I can assume it’s early October and Rory would have just had her 18th birthday.

Lane and Rory on their way to harrass Queen Shane at her place of employment. Minimum wage in 2002 was $5.15, by the way. Look at that Rory, someone your age has a JOB that makes MONEY.

Stars Hollow, the land where nobody has seen a tv show produced after 1975 but the references to modern pop and rock music flow like wine.

Alexis really does have some spectacular defeated/fed up with everything facial expressions in her acting playbook.

Sure her customer service skills aren't the greatest, but if Lorelai Gilmore is allowed to leave work in the middle of the day to shop for coffins then Shane should be allowed to read a Seventeen behind the counter and ignore Rory. Her manager, Cynthia, is pretty chill and will look the other way if Shane slacks off. Reminder that while Rory knows who Shane is, Rory has barely been a glint in the corner of Shane's eye. Any time that Shane and Rory have shared the same space, it's been when Shane runs into the diner, makes out with Jess, and doesn't look back. Because she is a god damn superhero.

It's unlikely Jess and Shane ever use their tongue for talking either so I doubt Jess has told her who Rory is. So to Shane Rory is just some random customer who is staring at her weirdly like she's trying to melt her with her eye-beams.

Look at that exemplary customer service. Better crown her Employee of the Month now, before Jess offs her and throws her in the lake next month.

Dirty white aprons with tomato can accessories are the newest sensation on the 2002 Paris Runways. Luke Danes, fashion icon. Time to go to class. Lorelai is there to play Fashion Fairy Godmother. Upstairs we go to get him out of that sweaty flannell.

That's so filthy. L&L barge into the apartment without knocking to find Jess in the middle of pulling up his pants. Walking into any room that a teenage boy might occupy is a risky game, but Interruption seems to be Lorelai's biggest kink.

I know Jess is just a poor little street urchin but can we get him some clothes that fit for once? In 2002 Milo was so smol a stiff breeze could have blown him away. He's wearing a belt and it's not working. Those pants are so baggy they could fit 3 Milos in them. Not that I would mind if his pants fell down. Looks we're on Gilmore Girls Time today, where down is up and right is left as Luke and Lorelai are about to give speeches at Stars Hollow High in the middle of the school day but Shane, Lane, Rory and Jess are not in school and no one cares, so it's Who The Fuck Knows O'Clock.

Stars Hollow High: Jess is not graduating because he never went to class. Luke: How could I possibly know that? Jess settles into a chair with a chemistry textbook. Our Child Labor Kingpin here Luke Danes tells him to go help Cesar downstairs. Jess says his education is more important than Luke's desire to use his nephew for cheap child labor. Luke disagrees. Luke goes to change in his bedroom leaving Lorelai, Jess, and a cloud of awkard silence to mingle in the other room. Luke has a book on his shelf called "Forty Days" but i can't find anything with that title. It sounds kinda erotic, tbh. Lorelai says she's gone swimming with Luke and has seen him shirtless before. Que? Jess: Have you seen him with his shirt off lately? He's really let himself go. Lorelai: *Sneers and ignores him. (to Luke): And lose the baseball hat! Jess: I think his head will fall off without it. Lorelai (snarkily): I think he'll be okay. You wanted Jess to talk, right? You're going to continue bitching to everyone you know that Jess Mariano only speaks in grunts like a caveman unlike your little fucking English scholar there Dean Forrester, right? He just lobbed you two funny quips in a row (and you love funny quips!) but now you're silent and giving him a dirty look and a nasty attitude. WHAT DO YOU EVEN WANT, WOMAN? MAKE UP YOUR MIND! WHY SO SILENT QUIPPY! WHAT DID THIS CHILD EVER DO TO YOU!

I'm just gonna sit here and read my little Chemistry book, and one day I'm gonna make 40 kajillion dollars when my books are made into blockbuster movies, and I will own you, Aunt Lorelai. I will own you.

Lorelai doing the Fry squint at Jess when he asked if something was wrong, because she refused to make conversation with him.

Speaking of Gilmore Girls Time. Let's stop the clock for a minute here. Moments ago, Shane was at work. She rang up Rory and Lane, and they left immediately. The scene then cuts to Lorelai entering the diner and then after he gets a brief lecture about his clothing choices, Lorelai and Luke start to head upstairs so he can change. In order for Closet Girl to be Shane, her shift would have ended seconds after she finished with Rory and Lane, and then she would have to immediately run down the street, sneak upstairs to Luke's apartment without him noticing and would only be seconds into servicing Jess as Luke and Lorelai are about to walk in PLUS he would need time to hide her in the closet and pull up his pants and appear cool calm and collected. I know Shane is a slutty superhero but could she really put that off in just a few minutes? Conclusion? It wasn't actually Shane in that closet and Jess has a rotation of girls who skip school with him to service him in his uncle's closet.

#gilmore girls #denise rewatches gilmore girls #gilmore girls season 3 #OGCTOOD #jess mariano #rory gilmore #shane #queen shane #luke danes

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redtail-lol · 1 year

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Proper Blog Introduction

Hello, and welcome to Redtail's ramblings and occasional coinings! Enjoy your stay.

Free Help for Palestine - A communal document created by me and editable by everyone for finding free ways to help Palestine! Mostly composed of petitions at the moment. If you can't donate or just want more ways to help Palestine it's very helpful.

About Me and the Blog:

I mostly will be coining orientations instead of genders because there are so many genders and the orientation market is low, and will mostly be coining labels that apply to me. However, I am willing to coin labels that don't apply to me. Please feel free to ask, and if I'm uncomfortable, I will just deny it.

Some posts aren't centered around me coining so sorry for any clutter

I am a perisex bigendermeld girl + enby and I use she/they pronouns

I have a label collection/hoard of 300+ that I loving named The Boxfort Palace. I may start a third blog just for my hoard. Or I may just keep it on the doc

Some of my important identities are asexual (fully, absolutely no sexual attraction), cupiosexual, demiromantic, lunian/mspec lesbian, bi lesbian, poly lesbian, and omni lesbian, and I specifically use full-moon springtide versions of all these labels. I do not identify as an mspec mono because there is nothing monoromantic about my lesbian attraction. I don't have an issue with the mspec mono label existing but I don't think it applies to me.

This blog supports aspec people, xenogenders, mspec gays/lesbians, gaybians, mspec hets, gayhets/straightbians and lesboys/turigirls. I am an mspec lesbian and ace.

This blog is NOT anti-paraphilia. I believe people with genuinely harmful and nonconsensual paras need access to help and support, and aren't inherently evil. I also believe paraphilias that are strange but not harmful or nonconsensual are fine. Do what makes you happy. Pro-contact harmful paraphilias, this is NOT about you. Please seek help and do not abuse.

I am Crit-Inclus and seek to understand people before I fully accept them. If I ask you questions about your identity, I mean no disrespect

I am predominantly white and am not comfortable with making things specifically for any POC because it does not feel like my place. If my blog grows big and people want to use my blog for visibility, post on your own blog and I will reblog it.

Because I am perisex I will not coin intersex specific terms, though you may ask for flag design help and reblogs for visibility

I am autistic and self diagnosed, I haven't updated this in a while but I've given up on not saying I'm autistic without diagnosis a long time ago, lmao. I got 153 on my most recent RAADS-R taking I def have autism

Still anti ABA and anti autism speaks fuck those guys

This blog is anti Boeing we hate Boeing in this household (if you're confused ask me about the 737 MAX I'll go on for hours)

I am a singlet so I'm not gonna do system specific labels. I will reblog system labels upon request

I do NOT coin radqueer identities. Radqueers can request non-radqueer identities because there's no reason to say you can't request something because of a belief. Even if it's harmful it's none of my business I'm the coiner. But I am anti-rq so you choose if you want me making the term

You may ask me to coin anything you would like if it isn't on here. It is my decision if I do it.

I am an adult, but the blog is safe for older minors

People in my DNI are allowed to use my flags and labels. I don't believe in gatekeeping who's allowed to use a term based on personal beliefs and opinions. I just don't wish to have personal interactions with you guys. It's up to you if you want to use flags made by an mspec lesbian who accepts xenogenders, lesboys/turigirls and the like, gaybians, and other complex contradictory identities.

I would appreciate if everyone who follows me can like, reblog, or comment on a post before or shortly after following. This is to make sure I don't follow back porn accounts that won't read this. I might block people who do not follow this rule because I will assume you are a porn account that just wants to send me spam links, especially if you're a blank blog.

Free Palestine. Fuck Isreal.

DNI:

Pedophiles (I'm not calling you MAPs.) Whether you're non-offending or not, please just don't interact with me. I support you guys getting the help you need but as a minor I think it's best we don't interact beyond maybe some likes and a request or two. I'm still too close to being a kid

Anyone who is going to start discourse. I don't care if you're proship, antiship, exclus, radinclus, radqueer, or anything. Don't start discourse. You can only continue discourse that I start. You can use my terms if they apply to you, like my stuff, reblog it, and comment, as long as you aren't starting an argument.

Solicitors looking to promote any sexual services. I am asexual, leave me alone. I don't want your porn. I will bodyshame you.

Anybody looking to e-date. I'm arospec, specifically demiromantic, so approaching me with romantic intent means you'll have to wait for something that'll never happen. I'm taken anyways.

DO NOT FOLLOW:

Queerphobic people

Racists/ALM/Anti-BLM.

Sexists/anti feminists

Radfems (you aren't real feminists, you're misandrists, AND you're misogynists, all at once)

Zionists/Pro-Israel

People who believe in transmisogyny but not transmisandry/transandrophobia

People who believe trans men hold any significant power over cis women or over trans women

Idiots who think only transfems can use the tr slur

People who think femboy is a slur or is about transfems. There is a 0% difference between calling a transfem a femboy and calling a transfem a boy. Femboy is an identity. It's entitled to think trans women can dictate what men identify as based on the bigotrd actions of others weaponizing gnc men's identities to misgender others.

Exclusionists (including mspec lesbian/gay/enbian exclus, lesboy and turigirl exclus, and gaybian exclus.)

Incels of any type. This doesn't refer to anybody who just hasn't lost their virginity yet, but specifically the kind of people who hold it against the people they're attracted to. This is usually straight men and incels are often a misogynistic hate group.

Radqueer/transx/transid and supporters

Pro-contact or Comp-contact Big 3 Paras

Anti-contact non-harmful, consensual paras

Pro-AI art

Proship/profic

NSFW blogs

Anyone in the DNI

I follow people back blindly so please don't follow me if I'm going to have to see gross things on the feed.

#welcome to my blog #mogai coining #mspec lesbian safe #bi lesbian safe #inclus

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aikoiya · 6 months

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only asked that cause i myself am a trans kid. 💀

i have diagnosed gender dysphoria and in the process of socially transitioning. i am not legally old enough to medically transition on my own, and i am fine with that.

the cases of people detransitioning after getting surgery are few and far between. just because it didn't work out for you doesn't mean it won't work out for others.

if you read my bio you would know im a trans kid, and yet you still followed me. you would also know that i am uncomfortable with nsfw, and yet your page is filled with it.

blocking you for my own comfort. im sure that, besides your ignorance and unwillingness to learn about actual trans people, that you are a good person. instead of focusing on the articles by detransitioners where it paints being trans as some sort of phase or illness, i would suggest reading and learning about how the probability of suicide, self harm, and eating disorders are greatly lowered if a child is allowed to socially transition. I myself could be used as a statistic, as, if i hadn't started presenting as how i felt, i would have killed myself in middle school.

or dont, if you'd rather have blood on your hands from keeping kids from being who they are. you do you.

Hey, dude. If you need to block me, then that's fine.

But to be fair, my page has MDNI on it for a reason. Just because I follow someone doesn't mean they have to follow me or even interact with me. It just means that I enjoy their content.

My problem isn't with the kids themselves & I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being prejudice against you in particular, because I'm not. But the fact that these stories exist to begin with, for me, is telling.

I hope that everything works out fantastically for you & if that means fully transitioning or just presenting, then good for you. Your life is yours, but being an adult means accepting one's choices & living with them.

And just as you say that I should listen to the words of the majority of transitioners, I also think that you should listen to the words of detransitioners too.

I'm not going to pretend to know everything about you or your situation because all I know is what I know & I can't know what I don't.

The evidence as I've been presented it, is what I have previously stated. I will continue to keep learning more, but as it stands, I stand by my words.

I'm sorry that my page makes you uncomfortable. That was never my intention.

If you're really just a kid, then please do block me. I don't want kids anywhere near my stuff.

I got into this sort of stuff as a young, curious, stupid kid & I regret it. Wish I could take it back, but I can't & I have to live with this... addiction for possibly the rest of my life.

It's something that I'm honestly ashamed of.

And the fact that you saw such content when you didn't need to if I'd been more diligent or had simply thought of applying the right tags, tears me up inside.

Again, I apologize.

So, please, get as far away from this sort of content as you can &, again, take care of yourself.

This goes double for ANY kid below the age of 18 following me.

Block. Me. Now.

Best wishes.

Also, you should filter out "nsft," "nsfw," & "mdni."

Hopefully, that helps.

#god bless #but be open minded #hear from both sides

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becky-s-updates · 1 year

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(A letter to a friend - discussing abuse dynamics in our families and society in general).

I've always wondered why so much responsibility is placed on the victims of abuse rather than speaking the ugly truth about the perpetrators....I think you're right. You can't stop abusers from abusing.... so, what can we fix? The walking wounded....Normal people. I've always believed in equipping victims to fight back....but never understood why so much of that process sounds and feels like the blame is actually mine. How dare I allow myself to be abused! What deficiency in me made me ripe for abuse? How is this *my* mistake? I lived and loved and opened my heart, I believed, and endured, and persevered, forgave and turned the other cheek for years...and somehow that makes me mentally and emotionally weak?? For this, I am labeled. Diagnosed. Damaged goods. Sick. Mentally ill. I didn't choose to be born into an abusive family. I didn't choose to marry an abusive man. I didn't choose to join a second abusive family. I didn't choose to live in torment at my job or in a society that didn't care enough to help me. I just tried to live my life the way I was told I should! I tried to be what everyone wanted me to be! I did the work. I went to the hospital, did years and years of therapy. I worked my ass off and recovered myself from 25 years of hell. I sought to hold myself accountable - and that’s exactly what I had to do to recover. I sought to hold the people who abused me accountable - only to be told again and again for decades that *I* was the problem....or, that I would just have to accept more abuse if I wanted to stay in this family. I did everything RIGHT!!!.....So, how am I the one left holding the bag of sorrows and disappointments, and accumulated grief and fears?? This whole thing feels like a setup....like a sham. And often, I wish I'd never been born into a this family.... because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have suffered for the majority of my life. Because that has done more damage to my mental health than anything else I've experienced in 43 years of life. I was trained to believe this kind of treatment was NORMAL....and worse, that this suffering was just a part of life. And I have lived under the heavy and ridiculous burdens of being fully convinced by society that MY RESPONSE TO THE ABUSE was and is the problem. An actual diagnosable problem! Yet nobody seems to be interested in rescuing or delivering ourselves from it. For a while, I stopped fighting back. I stopped bucking. I stopped being furious with all of them and became grief-stricken with *myself*....with my perceived failures to comply, to submit, to grow, to mature and develop proper character, and fully surrendered servant status. I beat myself up. I did their job for them! And isn't that the epitome of an abuser's success?? When they no longer even have to touch you or oppress you....because you repress yourself. You learn to anticipate. You adapt. You compensate. You hide who you really are and what you really feel. You speak and act as expected. You just cope with the writhing rebellion inside you. You quiet your self-awareness and autonomy. You live in self-preservation mode. You smile. You speak. You go through the motions. You meet their demands. You try not to make too many waves....because you know there are consequences. You withdraw from reality....and you do it all just to SURVIVE!! But since when does that mean that I AM THE BROKEN ONE?? Who decided this is WEAKNESS instead of great, excruciating, super-human STRENGTH?? Who would want to take that away and twist it up and turn it around to hand it back to me misshapen into more BLAME? I have no idea....and I just do not understand it. I am not ILL....I survive in the harshest conditions known to women and womanhood. And it's insulting and harmful to keep being told "You need help." NO, I NEEDED HELP....and it never came. It was withheld from me. It was denied me. And now they want to say I hurt myself just as much as my abusers did?? No. I refuse to accept that. I did everything I could to have a normal life. I did not fail. Those who insisted they love me failed. And failed miserably!

#family systems therapy #domestic abuse #eating disorder #addiction #recovery #c-ptsd #truth

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golbrocklovely · 2 years

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As I agree on that his “perspectives” and not stopping talking about same topic is getting repetitive, as well as he don’t have any worries when it comes to financial position, I do not agree with that that he didn’t have any hardships in life and do not know what struggling is like.

First of all , why do you think many famous artists, RICH PEOPLE end their lives many MANY times? Because they are bored? No! Because they struggled with smth that made them make this move! Just because Sam has currently two mansions and his life SEEM to be going good, doesn’t mean that this is the way it is and that he doesn’t struggle at all. God help me, looking at the fact how many times he spokes about this particular topic I fcking BET that he has some big problem on himself currently for a longer time. Because it feels atp that he is more speaking for himself than for others.

Struggling can have different bases. It can be because of money and lack of it , it can be some family issues, abusive household, having addicted to smth parents or siblings, bullying online or at school, mental problems, some problems at work… do I need to go on? And all of those problems have different values for different people. For example some people might not care what other people think, so them bullying them, won’t be such a big problem for them, but for some people can be more than a bigger problem, because they have low self-esteem. Some people might not care about their family and what is going inside of it, but some people will caree sooo much for their family to be together and get on well with eo.

Beside social media and what he posts, we don’t know Sam. We have zero to fucking idea how is he with his family for example, do they have some inside problems that are hurting him deeply but he just won’t speak about it? Maybe despite what we think we know, he actually gets really hurt about all the hate he receives. Maybe he feels not enough, because he is less liked than colby. Maybe someone close to him currently died … maybe maybe maybe…

Having money doesn’t mean happy life and 0 struggles. Yes it can help with your comfort of life, but it won’t erase completely other struggles. They still exist. Look at Colby f.e. He has too those money and fame. But he is struggling with his mental health and anxiety. Look at Jesy Nelson who at the peak of LM career tried to commit suicide. Look at Justin Bieber who lately had been diagnosed with some illness. Look at Selena Gomez. Look at Zayn Malik… many MANY people were ruined because of fame and MONEY and for many people it was money that killed them. So don’t come here and say that “SAm DONt KNoW WHAt ReAL StRUgGLE iS” . HOW TF U KNOW? Sam is PRIVATE person for a reason! I can swear on my life, that this man have much more to unpack than we think. And if he would one day reveal everything about him, we would be probably Really surprised.

Yes, i am tired of this topic too, just as you. But saying that he never struggled or doesn’t struggle now is just bs. All people struggle. Life ain’t perfect, even if you wanna present it as one :))

i can't speak for the other anons that have said some stuff on here, but i know for me personally, i fully believe that anyone can complain about life. no matter how good or well off you are, you can always be upset at what life has given you. so even if sam's biggest stressor right now is finding an editor, he's still allowed to complain about it. even if that's not comparable to someone else's stress.

and as for things that might be going on behind the scenes that either have happened before he became famous or are currently on going, he's allowed to keep things private. he can share as much or as little as he wants to. my issue is that, from what we do know about him that he's shared, he hasn't gone thru any major life problems. no major deaths or loss, he has never financially struggled, he's always been able to lean on his family, doesn't seem to have a bad relationship with them, and has never struggled with a mental illness. and i'm not saying that doesn't mean his life is sunshine and roses all the time, but comparatively, it's not as hard as others. that's not a rude assumption to have.

and if he has struggled with any of that type of stuff (or more), he should to some degree clue the fans in. bc it's one thing to give advice when you know what someone has experienced bc you too went thru it, but it's another thing to give advice to something you've never had to even really think about until now. having all the answers to a problem you've never faced ends up sounding patronizing to some. and i think that's what a lot of our issues are with his advice.

does that mean i think he shouldn't give advice at all? no. but maybe stay in your own lane to some extent. i think another issue that happens is that he comes across as a toxic positive person, instead of just positive. being toxic positive is just someone who outright ignores when bad things happen and always tries to be positive. or ignores when they are feeling a """""negative""""" emotion and instead pushes that feeling to the side. and i think sometimes he comes across like that. if he was more honest about when he felt down in the dumps or that life wasn't always so easy to turn around back into something good, i think his words would touch more ppl. bc honestly, i would love to hear that someone better off than me also has bad moments. bc it means i'm not alone in this struggle.

i don't wish him to feel like shit so i can feel connected to him tho. just wanted to make that clear.

one of the things sam and colby have talked about is that "life is a game and it's beatable" which…. i don't think i know how to word how dumb of a belief that is. bc that belief assumes that everyone is starting out in the same spot, or even playing the same game at all. when in reality, some are handed a controller with no buttons, some have cheat codes, and some are dealing with hard NPCs. some are playing tic-tac-toe and some are playing 4d chess. it's all the unluck/luck of the draw.

honestly, if sam (or snc both) answered the questions that have been thrown his way by saying "hey you know what, i've never experienced that before. the best advice i can give is XYZ, but that might not help. i hope things work out for you" and maybe throw some resources in depending on the situation, that would be SO. MUCH. BETTER. than going on and on with an answer that doesn't amount to anything compared to the situation. bc honestly, i don't expect them to have all the answers. i don't expect anyone to. and if they were honest with fans and just admitted that they aren't this all seeing eye that can give the right advice at the drop of a hat, they wouldn't come across as out of touch like they do sometimes. and in particular, sam runs into this issue a lot. colby and kat have pointed it out before that he ALWAYS tries to have an answer to their problems when all they wanted was an ear to listen.

i love them both dearly. i love sam a lot. i genuinely think he's coming from a good place. but, that doesn't mean he can't be wrong or outdated in his approach to giving advice. that's all i'm saying.

#ask #personal

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tetrisfinished · 2 years

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i'm not sure but this is a difficult time for me

i mean, for all i know, i could be a day away from my period (folks, track your cycles, don't be me).

but i've just had a few in law things sort of pile on and i'm self inflicting a lot of anxiety.

i'm struggling at the moment. not in the way a person with real diagnosed anxiety or depression is struggling - i do not in any way want to belittle those who are truly struggling with my petty stuff. but in my own rites - i am struggling.

i'm struggling to let go, to move forward, to forgive, but most importantly just to forget. i feel like i'm trapped in a toxic space and i need an out. and i have one too. i've got many - many folks to whom i can go and rant and lighten my heavy heart.

but i just haven't gotten around to doing it just yet.

and you know what? i haven't had a good, long, real cry in a long time. not like the one i'm experiencing now as i type this out. tears are streaming down my face in rapid fire mode right now and maybe this is helping. it's helping to allow me to let out a bunch of pent up tears.

to be clear - i never let tears go "pent up". frankly, it's just not in me to hold them back. when the floodgates open, they open wide and long and they open fairly frequently too. but as i sit here thinking about things, i am realizing that i just haven't had a cry in a while.

i'm starting to almost feel like it's a coping mechanism for me maybe. to just let it all bubble up to the surface and then spill.

i don't think i've ever been the sort of person who could keep things in, but i guess life has just become so fast of late that i'm having a hard time finding a moment for myself.

and it sounds like i'm the busiest person in the world and i have no down time - when of course, this is also not the case.

i'm truly just....caught up in a lot in my head.

i want to let it go. i want my brain to go on auto and give me a break. i need to be able to breathe above the water, because right now i feel like i'm almost barely up at the top.

and i fully realize how incredibly wired i sound, when someone on the outside looking in would really and seriously question why i even feel this way at all. but i just do.

i can't explain it. i do.

i'm allowing myself to feel this anxiety that usually i have no problem just powering through and getting out of myself.

i don't know what it is about this year. i'm noticing some incredible changes in my mentalities and i'm making some big waves in my personal actions and they're maybe causing some ripple affects. ripple affects that i couldn't really be bothered to think about when i started making those waves.

but there you have it.

every action must have an equal and opposite reaction. so i'm just....eating my cake? sleeping in the bed i've made?

trying to keep afloat and breathing.

but maybe, right now, just for a short little while, i'm struggling. it's a tough time for me. i know i'll get out of it. i know i'll get over it. i know i will make it through. and i will not let my anxiety rule me. i know this much about myself.

but for now, while i'm wading in the trenches of my mind's labyrinth trying to figure out my feelings and anxieties...for right now, it's truly good to have a moment and cry about it writing all this out.

i never realized how much of a true catharsis this blog and just putting my thoughts down really affords me.

i hope if you're feeling some similar anxieties that i haven't just piled on top. and i hope if you're happy and content and satisfied that this post allows you to sit and savour in your happiness, because i am truly happy for you.

self contentment....satisfaction. these are underrated seasons of life and we should stop taking them so heavily for granted.

there. i'm done. the end.

-komal

#anxiety #struggles

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starshipsofstarlord · 3 years

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Hi! So I would like to request a Seb x reader one shot if you have the time ☺️ I just got diagnosed with Endometriosis today and am in need of some soft Seb... Could you write smth where Seb finds out that reader is always in pain during sex and never said anything, though he knows she has Endometriosis and usually cares for her during her period... and he then encourages her to get surgery to try and fix it? Only if it's okay though, I know it's very precise, sorry!

A/N; I am so sorry to hear about this hun, i hope there’s something that can be done, no one deserves to go through that kind of pain. I researched endometriosis and it certainly sounds horrible, I’m sending you all my love and support 💙

Endometriosis - Sebastian Stan x reader

Masterlist Link

Summary; based on the request, I changed it a tiny bit so I hope that’s okay, I just feel like if r was in pain seb would notice, I hope you like it hun 🤍

Warnings; endometriosis, smut, oral sex (male and female receiving), 69ing, mentions of sex toys, illness, mention of alcohol, fluff, pain, swearing

divider by @firefly-graphics

It hurt like a bitch, there was no way to put it, or at least it was a simpler revelation of description at the prying of your womb had you near to tears. You laid your head down into the pillow, mushing it into the fabric, as you wanted the pain to dwindle down into nothing, and thus you tried to ignore your own suffering, as you turned over to be on your back, severely wincing by the change in position. A groan came from the other side of the bed, as the man that was laid there began to shuffle, in the midst of waking up.

“Morning.” He spoke with a hoarse voice, the steadiness obliterated by his blatant hangover that was haunting his form. Sebastian rubbed a hand over his eyes as he fully awoke, stretching his back as he reached his arm out, swiftly hooking it around the back of your neck as you allowed yourself to lay on the muscle. “Guess neither of us got laid, did we?” He laughed lightly, shaking his head, as he tipped his chin up, blinking his baby blues up to the ceiling.

“Considering that we’re in the same bed, and that you’re not a stranger to me, I guess not.” You laughed to your close friend, whom was aware of your condition, but not the extent of it. “Looks like you’re going to suffer from no morning sex Stan, I’m sure that sucks for you.”

“Usually it’s someone else doing the sucking.” You smacked his arm at his off handed comment, pulling a smirk out from the man as he turned to face you, pulling you closer by the contact that he had upon you. “I’m guessing your disappointed that you’re not waking up to some muscular, blonde haired and blue eyes patriotic punk.”

“If you’re describing Evans, i swear that I will punch you in the dick, I said he was attractive once.” You put emphasis on the amount of time(s) you had ever mentioned it. A pout quivered his lips, as he shuffled beneath the covers, angling his hips in a more comfortable position so that they weren’t being crunched down on the mattress.

“You can punch my dick, on the agreement that you kiss it better.” Seb allowed a hollow smirk to mull over his handsome features, as you swatted his bicep once more, an unhumored frown conforming its position upon your face.

“I’m not one of your hook ups, I’m not gonna get on my knees for you buddy.” You bantered back, raising a brow at his inquisition. No, you were not a past sexual partner of his; it was a constant of him never having a serious relationship, he opted for flings rather than any long engagements, you suspected that he had feelings for someone else, but you were not sure of whom.

The thought alone of him being endeared with the image of one woman brought a pain to your body, separate from your medical suffering. Though your opinion wasn’t fair, considering that you as well, or had your time of sleeping around before the pain in your inner walls became too much, and that was one of the many things that you had given up, more or less.

To support the montage of your body’s self torture, you had a mixture of hormone and tablets that helped reduce the unexplainable sensation that willed around in your lower half, swarming around like an internal snake bite in your own body.

“69 then?” He joked, but it felt so serious. You knew he wasn’t being truthful, it was the relationship the pair of you had, though his face had moved closer, his breath fanning over your face, making your heart prominently race as you thought about such a scenario. “Having mentioned Evans...” he began to change the conversation, having felt the heat that had radiated from your body.

“Go on.” You pried at him, interested in hearing what his friend had opted to say about the pair of you. It wasn't every day that you heard celebrities gossiping about you.

“He thinks we’ve hooked up.” Sebastian stated, making your neck reel slightly back as you took in the fact, of well, the perceived view point of a world renowned, household name, actor. A part of you was slightly embarrassed, you held your own cheek as the words that Chris had passed on sunk in on you.

“We, no, never. Okay, I’m exaggerating, that would not be so bad, but it would definitely be weird. But like, why does he think that, of all things?” You asked whilst partially laughing. It made you partially aware of yourself, and the prospect of you possibly having made your feelings obvious, but that however hadn’t been the case as Seb scratched over the stubble that he had on his chin, and did that awkward Bucky smile that had became humorous in his new marvel show.

“Of all things; it’s like you’re trying to break my heart babes.” With one diverging look from you, he knew he was done for. It always pained him to keep secrets from you, and this was the one that he had been hiding for so long. “You’re really going to make me say it, aren’t you? Okay, fine. I still can’t believe that you haven’t caught on, after all this time, but this just shows that you haven’t noticed how I try and scare away every guy with my money and power.”

“Yeah, I noticed that.” Lightly you scoffed, having many memories of such a situation. It was a pattern that kept repeating itself, but to you it had just become normal, and to say you were fine with it was not incorrect. It gave you hope that he could reciprocate the emotions that you held towards him, though having a wish like that was altogether hopeless. He was just protective, that was all, he probably saw you like a little sister, or something of the sort, that really put a drab annotation on the prospect of romance.

“Ever wonder why?” Ever, more like all the time, but you allowed him to continue without disruption, by doing so more would be unveiled by that mouth of his, and you were eager to learn more, yet a little hesitant. “It is because I am so tired of being your friend, I love it, don’t get me wrong but...” you were dreading what was to come out of his mouth next, you squeezed your eyes shut, almost as if you were unable to see, the pain would not render upon your specimen. “I love you.”

“You what?!” Eyes snapping open, you were blatantly shocked by his confession. “That can’t be right Seb, you’re you, and I’m me, and-“

“We’re us.” He finished for you. As he noticed you relax from his contingence, which allowed him the time gap to slide closer, his warm and soft hand running up the side of your face as he watched you gasp from the sensation. It was not the first time he had touched your cheek, but it was the first instance in which he done so intimately; you were rather fond of the treatment.

You nuzzled your face into the curve of his hand, your brows lightly directed in a downwards motion as you lulled in his touch, and that was when you realised that he had frozen. “Shit.” You stopped him from moving away, pausing the sadness in his eyes for the current second. “I should have responded, that was my bad. I love you too, I’m not just saying that, so you know.”

“That’s a relief.” Sebastian sighed, falling back onto the mattress, bringing his face accidentally closer to your own. The tips of your noses were touching as your eyes ogled deep within the pools of one another’s, it was impossible not to seek a closer vicinity, and thus, you slunk closer, bracing the tips of your nails against his scruff, as your lips worked their way onto his.

“How would you like another kind of relief?” You pulled away, stroking down the smooth course of his shirt covered chest, prompting a suggestive dialogue in your tone. His brow raised as he thought about it for a moment, but then he remembered a rather distinctive matter he didn’t want to cause any obstruction to.

“What about your, you know?” He was referring to your endometriosis, having the knowledge about the unfortunate illness that interfered with your life. Through it all, the doctors appointments, the encouraging you to take your medication on days that you weren’t feeling particularly well, he was there. Now it made sense why.

To reply, you softly shook your head, combing your hands over his shoulders, as you answered him. “If it gets too much, I’ll give you the signal.” You spoke, leaning down to peck his lips, though you still saw the reluctance that was embedded on his forehead in the form of strict lines. “I promise.” You persuaded him, meaning the sentiment, as his eyes trailed down, his hand scourging a fierce, passionate grip upon your hipbone as his tongue weaved its way back into your mouth.

You moaned into the atmosphere of his mouth, grabbing onto his cheeks as you heaved breaths into the internal beyond of this man, rolling on top of him, as you swept your crotch down against his own, extracting a sinister sound out of his guttural throat. It was only turning you on more, and you knew that if you didn’t do something, even despite the recommendations of your doctor, you would be sufficed with a lack of pleasure, and that was all you currently craved.

It wasn’t fair how you had been dubbed with the condition. So many people in the world could have sex whenever they pleased, yet you were forced to commend under the sentence of experiencing a discomfort when all you wanted was the comfort of being intwined with another human being. That connection, it felt mandatory, however you were denied it, for every time that you proceeded to bed a stranger, or a partner of any sorts, the stretch of anything in your walls pursued you with a fracture of pain.

You’d even had to throw out your vibrator, whilst it felt good on the outside, the clenching of your empty walls sparked physical and mental hurt, and reminded you of the fact that whenever you were filled by any length, your body could not function to emit pleasure, instead it was the opposite that you were tasked with contracting. The thought and reminder often spewed tears in your eyes, but you held them back as you got lost in Sebastian.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He admitted sentimentally, and your heart both became full and broken. It was sweet and scorching to the arousal between your legs to know that he was that concerned about your well being; he wasn’t just prioritising getting his dick wet. He resumed pressing succulent kisses on your lips, he lulled in the notion, he too wanted to be close to you, but he wasn’t willing to do inadvertently so to the expense of you being in pain.

That was the opposite of what he wanted, even as your hand wandered down his firm and pheromone driven body, that bucked in your grip, as your hand hooked around his bulge, your thumb stroking over his round sack as he grew beneath the layers of his soft sweats and underwear. “69 then?” You reiterated his earlier words, causing his pupils to blow wide, and his blue irises to darken into the juxtaposition of stormy skies.

“Will that be okay?” You confirmed it was, even if you weren’t completely sure yourself. The angles, the penetration, it was all elements, that combined gave you an equation that you had yet to figure out. The only way to do so was to try it, even if it concluded in an error, and not a sensible answer. To instigate the next step, you roused your sleep shirt from your body, leaving you in nothing more than your causal panties, but Seb didn’t seem to mind.

In fact he rather preferred the normalcy of your actions and undress, it made the strategy of shifting from friends to intimate lovers into one of relaxation, there was no absurdity nor discomfort yet, for either one of you. Your fingers dipped in the sides of your underwear, teasing the band, as you cocked your head towards Seb, licking your lips as you took in the view of him entranced by your being. “Am I going to be the one naked or...”

You were grateful that he took the hint, and stripped himself from both layers that kept his goods confined. He rapidly removed them, leaving his uncut cock open to your gaze; it wasn’t anything massive which was a relief, but it for now, it was to be attained in the confinement of your mouth, rather than the realm of your cunt, so that slight stretch could await. As you thought of that, you reached your hand out, dancing your fingers lightly over his shaft.

Seb emitted a soft huff from his obtainable lips, he dragged you to be laying atop of him, as your thighs surrounded his length on either side, it was warm, and rested perfectly below your where your cunt was hovering. How you wished to just sink down on it and- “Turn around.” For a moment you took time to refrain your memory to perceive what you had said before. And then, whence your words caught up to you, it was simple to do so, especially with the motivation of what was going to happen.

As you spun around, to be facing his lower half and have your own above his mouth, you watched his cock twitch, as it rested heavily upon his abdomen. You could feel your nerves kick in; it was a substantial difference from anything that you had ever done together, from looking at the stars and watching cheesy movies, to sexual actions, it was quite the leap. But a welcome one, you had waited so long to acknowledge your feelings to him, you'd be damned if you were not going to act on them.

A shiver rippled up your spine as he paved a lick through your slit, it made you tense up for a moment, and you try to register any diagnosis of pain, you coiled when he put one of your lips in his mouth. It felt good, which was a relief, and you took that as a sign to reap your front forwards, and focus on his throbbing hardness that was oozing precum against his perfect skin. The drop of essence looked like liquid moonstone, catching the ambience of the snooping sun that eyes through the crescent opening of the closed curtains, creating a luminescent light against the contrast of his skin.

Leaning forwards, as the initial shock of Seb using his tongue on you had settled in, as a faint plea from inside of you derived away in your eternal being, your tongue glided over the patch of fallen precum, your eyes fluttering at the heavenly, yet rare taste, it wasn’t every day that a man’s cum was relatively nice on your buds. Some perceived eating junk food as a lifestyle, caring not for how the receiver of their sperm would taste within the mouth of a giver on the other end. Sebastian hummed against your slick folds, as he danced his hands around your ass, grasping your cheeks firmly.

His fingers swept through the outside of your cunt, fooling around with your labia as his tongue swirled your bud, making your face grimace on the edge of pleasure, as your warm lips wrapped around the head of his cock, whirling your tongue within his slit, as your hand rested around the rest of his length, jerking it in your grasp, as his hips lightly heaved upwards against your face. He teased a finger around your entrance, running the tip along the wet flesh that mimicked your breaths as it clenched prosperously.

“Shit!” Tears webbed in your eyes as he entered the finger, though he considered that a resonating profanity of pleasure. To your dismay, it indeed was not though, the entry of the digit weighed heavy inside you, prying sorely against your walls as your giving to him paused, as you harshly gripped his thigh. “Shit, that hurts Seb. Fuck!” In an instant, he stopped, extracting his finger out from within you, as it caused you further pain, and helped you turn around, and lay languidly upon the bed.

“Oh my god, fuck, I’m so sorry y/n/n.” He panicked, immense guilt wavering his body, as he grasped your face, staring with sorrow into your seasoned expression. “I didn’t mean to- didn’t want to hurt you, shit, I should never have tried to-“ soothing his conflicting emotions, you stroked his shoulders, kissing him to ease his words into silence. He felt guilty, but so did you, you were the one whom had encouraged to pursue the rhythm of your shared sexuality to one another, deducting the poise of your actions with tear beaded eyes.

“It was my fault; I said it would be fine. I should have known it shouldn’t have, I’m sorry.” You reasoned with him, knowing that you had told him that it was to be something that you could manage, but from experience, you should have had better knowledge of how things would turn out.

“Don’t you ever apologise, you’re perfect, the only thing that I want to ease is your suffering. Is there any news on the operation that can be done, should I get you your medication now?” He wanted to be certain, to ensure that you didn’t put the accountability of your situation completely on yourself, he should have asked if a finger would have been fine, he shouldn’t have been swayed by your persuasion. “I could talk to someone, see if I could get the thing moved up, I can pay for it, get you further up on the ladder.”

“No.” You smiled, pressing an ample kiss upon his scruffy cheek. “I don’t want that, many other people are waiting for the op too, and I can’t have you paying for it. That would just be inconsiderate of me, you have already done so much for me, I can’t ask more. You’ve been there through everything, just wait with me whilst I wait for myself.” You pulled the sheets over your breasts, staring opulently into his serene eyes, shuddering as he swept his lips over your mouth once more, deriving you breathless for a moment.

“It’s okay to be selfish, if any of them had that chance, then they would take it. I can afford it, and I would want nothing more than to pay for it, it’s not just about sex, you know that. I love you so so much, you’re my best friend, the girl of my dreams, I’ve waited for you, I just want the pain that you live through to disappear. Out of all people, it’s not fair that it’s you, but it is, and this is the one way to fix the reductive searing of hurt that you live through.” You gulped, water glazing your irises as you stared at her, trying to diffuse your light sob.

His words brought acceptance to you within the scenario, as you took a deep breath in, confronting the trigger that had set off inside of you. It was difficult to handle and attain to, as you curled in his bare arms, exasperating your soundness close to him, as he competently cupped your face, kissing the tip of your nose. “Okay.” You agreed, nodding sincerely along with your words. “Okay, I’ll do it for me. It’s the right thing to do.” A smile raved his face, as you convinced yourself of doing so. It was to be a long road, but Sebastian would be there holding your hand, travelling down this path alongside you.

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gh0st-patr0l · 3 years

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ADHD in DSMP

So about a week back, I made a post about Karl Jacobs (a bit of a passive aggressive one, I’ll admit, but I think it was justified), complaining that a lot of the ‘criticism’ I see about Karl is actually rather insensitive towards his ADHD. I got a lot of responses to that post, and the most common sources of confusion I saw were:

People not understanding what I was saying they should avoid being judgmental of, or-

People who didn’t know that Karl had ADHD or didn’t understand which behaviors were caused by it.

First of all, Karl has confirmed that he has ADHD.

(NOTE: Yes, I know he said ADD. ADD and ADHD used to be categorized as separate disorders, but in the most recent edition of the DSM, it was decided that they are both simply subtypes of the same disorder- ADHD is the correct technical term. ADD is still sometimes used as shorthand by some practitioners to diagnose primarily-inattentive ADHD, but it's a bit outdated.)

Secondly, that original post made me realize that a lot of people who may be well-meaning may genuinely not fully understand ADHD and its symptoms as well as they want to or think they might. If you aren’t aware, Karl isn’t the only one in the DSMP with ADHD- to my understanding, both Technoblade and Dream have confirmed that they have it as well. So, I thought it would be helpful to put together a comprehensive crash-course on ADHD symptoms and how they effect people’s behavior!

Now, before we go further, I want to address something- as I said earlier, I saw some people unsure of whether certain behaviors are ADHD or “just his personality”. I feel the need to point this out above the read more so people will see it. To answer this question, as someone with ADHD;

A lot of times, it’s both. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, meaning that it’s caused by the way your brain developed from birth. A lot of the symptoms and effects of ADHD are extremely influential towards the way we think, act, and behave, to the point where “symptoms” and “normal behavior” really don’t have a clean differentiation. This is why it’s technically classified as a ‘disorder’, instead of an illness. While certain aspects of it can require treatment, the condition itself as a whole is not something to be mitigated or eliminated- it’s a part of who we are as a person. This is also why sometimes, even if you don’t have ADHD, you’ll look at certain specific behaviors or experiences and go “Oh, but I do that too!”. A lot of ADHD ‘symptoms’ are just a bunch of normal traits or behaviors, but in combination with each other and some actually problematic aspects, form the appearance of the disorder.

So, what are you allowed to nitpick about it? Well, there’s no real ‘authority’ on this, and even if there was it certainly wouldn’t be me. But if you want my opinion? Nothing.

See, here’s the thing- what I was trying to say when I made that post was not that you can’t be critical of Karl. If you want to say something about his Actions, his Ideals, or the content he creates- sure, go for it, that’s fair. I will agree that there are some very valid and constructive points to be made. But when you post ‘criticism’ about the way he speaks, his interests or preoccupations, his personal behaviors? That’s not criticism. That’s just judging someone.

And you’re allowed to think that stuff! Nobody can control what annoys or bothers them. It doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. But you don’t need to be vocal about it. You can keep your mean thoughts to yourself. And if you do make posts or communities or whatever about judging someone for things they can’t change about themselves, don’t call it “criticism” or try to morally justify it. It’s not productive or righteous, it’s just rude. Nothing else.

Anyway. Back to Education!

The following will be a descriptive list of visible ADHD behaviors, using Karl’s behavior as examples.

I feel the need to add a disclaimer here- I am not a mental health professional. However! I have ADHD myself, I have taken some psychology courses and done a Lot of research into this stuff, and I’m the daughter of a therapist with access to a DSM. While I’m not an expert, I’d like to think I’m fairly well versed and knowledgeable on at least ADHD. (That being said, if by chance anyone who Is a professional sees this post and notices mistakes, by all means let me know and I’ll fix it!!)

WHAT IS ADHD?

You’re here for the behaviors more than the science, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Known in the past as Attention Deficit Disorder). Despite its name, the root problem of ADHD is not in the person’s ability to pay attention, but their brain’s capability to manage itself. In simple terms, people with ADHD have a lot less control over what their brain does and wants. This results in some behavioral differences along with some personal challenges, namely a difficulty with attentiveness and self-discipline.

Now, onto the symptoms!

ATTENTION

This is perhaps the most visible and pervasive of the ADHD symptoms, hence why it’s the namesake. Inattention is a lack of focus and an inability to stay present and occupied with certain tasks or thoughts.

Because ADHD impairs self-management of the brain, people with it have an extremely hard time directing themselves anywhere but where their brain instinctively wants to go. This results in inattentiveness and the easiness of distraction that is often mocked or stereotyped for people with ADHD.

Here are some examples of how Karl can sometimes display his inattentiveness;

When he has an idea that he seems passionate about, only to drop it or switch to something totally different without warning soon after (either forgetting or getting bored of his original idea).

When he sets out to do something like a build, works on it for a short amount of time, and then immediately gives up or gets someone else to do it.

When someone else is talking and he totally zones out. (NOTE: While I wont make a whole section for it because it’s not easily observable, maladaptive (constant and intrusive) daydreaming is a common ADHD symptom as well!)

It’s important to remember that the whole problem with ADHD is that we can’t control when or what we focus on. When someone with ADHD zones out during a conversation or activity, it doesn’t mean they’re doing it on purpose, and they likely don’t mean any offense! We often are trying our best to listen or participate, but our brain just wont cooperate.

However, inattention is not the only way ADHD effects our focus. There’s also what’s called hyperfocus or hyperfixation, which is when we are so absorbed into a single subject, task, or idea that it is extremely difficult to get us to think about or do anything else. This is usually because our brains have found something that is getting those satisfaction chemicals flowing, and it’s clinging to that with everything it’s got.

People with ADHD will often experience brief periods of hyperfocus. Think of how Karl talks about spending hours straight working on a build or project without eating or drinking, or how he’ll sit down to play a game with someone and end up going six hours without even noticing.

There are also hyperfixations, where someone with ADHD becomes extremely preoccupied with a certain subject, topic, etc. for a period of time. These can be short term- personally, my hyperfixation can sometimes change as quickly as a couple weeks at a time. However, it can also be long term. Karl has been obsessed with Survivor since the second grade- not to mention his memorabilia, rambling, and constant references to Kingdom Hearts.

HYPERACTIVITY/STIMMING

This is a BIG one for Karl. I should clarify; ‘stimming’ is not a technical term, and in professional situations these behaviors are just referred to as Hyperactivity. However, I personally like the term stimming much more and find it far more accurate to what the behaviors actually are, so I’ll be using that instead for this post.

If you’re not already familiar, ‘stimming’ (derived from ‘stimulation’) is an unofficial term used to describe consistent and abnormal patterns of physical and vocal behavior typically expressed by people with ADHD and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). This includes things that people usually call fidgets or tics.

(NOTE: There are differences in how people with those two disorders stim. This post will explain stimming specifically from an ADHD perspective! ASD stimming is caused by very different factors and presents itself in much different ways. Do your own research if you’re curious!)

There are two major observable forms of stimming- physical and vocal. Karl expresses both VERY often! I’ll use examples for each type;

Physical Stims: Flapping his hands/arms, jumping up and down when he’s excited, twisting around into odd positions in his chair, throwing, hitting, or tapping things, standing up and pacing around when he’s hyped up or laughing, twisting his rings, etc.

Vocal Stims: When he gets excited and repeats a certain phrase incessantly (Think any variation of “I’m popping off”), making certain repetitive noises while he’s focused on something or bored (”la la la”, the meow-noises, the weird heart-beat noise, etc.), singing or humming, tongue clicking.

It should be noted here that it’s pretty common for people with ADHD to get “stuck” on certain phrases or noises, and be unable to stop repeating them (reminiscent of echolalia, a symptom of ASD, but not the same thing). Think of how Karl might sometimes keep making a weird noise for an extended period of time even though it’s not that funny, or that one time he was physically struggling to keep himself from singing the Bakugan theme. These repetitions are completely impulsive and trust me, we usually know how annoying it is while we’re doing it, but we physically cannot stop.

ADHD stims are caused by the fact that the barrier between our brain and body is much weaker than a normal person’s. Because of this, most ADHD stims are actually very positive expressions of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm! Y’know how when you get excited, you feel like you wanna jump or dance? The ‘hyperactivity’ of ADHD is basically just that, but we don’t have the self-control to Not do it.

Stims can be caused by negative feelings like overstimulation, but in ADHD this is not nearly as common. Usually, the most negative reason we’ll stim is when we’re bored- in that case, our brain isn’t getting the Constant Stimulation that it naturally wants, so stimming is a way to make our own.

Whatever the cause, stimming is natural and impulsive. While different people experience it to varying degrees, those who regularly stim typically have little to no control over it. Suppressing stims is very hard and very frustrating to do.

Besides that, like I said- ADHD stims are often an expression of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm. They’re a beautiful thing that shouldn’t be seen as shameful or annoying!

BEHAVIORAL DIFFICULTIES

ADHD is a disorder which causes a lack of self-control. Naturally, this means that people with ADHD are inherently reckless, impulsive, and struggle with a lack of self-discipline that they cannot fix.

Of course, people with ADHD do still have some level of self-control, and they are still responsible for conscious, long-term behavioral patterns and decisions. However, in regards to most things, they are much, much less capable of controlling themselves than an average neurotypical person is.

These are some examples of how this will often present itself in Karl;

Excessive rambling, dragging on a joke or conversation when it could and should probably have been dropped, etc.

Speaking over or interrupting other people (NOTE: As someone with ADHD- THIS IS ALMOST ALWAYS UNINTENTIONAL. I know it can seem rude or annoying but I promise, 90% of the time if someone with ADHD talks over you, they either didn’t realize or physically couldn’t help it. Please try to be patient!)

Lack of awareness towards social cues (NOTE: Unlike ASD, in which the person is incapable of/has problems fully understanding social cues, ADHD results in a lack of awareness. For whatever reason, we’re often just not paying close enough attention to pick up on things like body language, tone of speech, and facial expression as well as we would normally.)

Indecisiveness and overthinking

Bluntness, lack of subtlety

Unintentional dismissiveness, accidentally ignoring things/people (NOTE: Again, this behavior is purely accidental. In this case, it’s usually just the person genuinely not hearing or processing things.)

Making noises, speaking, joking, etc. at inappropriate times

There’s probably more, but I think you get the idea by now. A lot of the time, behavior which results from ADHD can be seen as rude, lazy, dismissive, or otherwise intentionally harmful. In reality, we just aren’t wired to navigate common social interaction with grace.

In Karl’s case, he’s clearly an incredibly sweet, empathetic, and kind-hearted person, if the various close friends who have talked about him are to be believed. Just because he talks over people or makes a poorly timed joke, that doesn’t mean he meant any harm.

I think that’s about it for how much I wanted to point out! You can do more research if you’re curious, but I feel like this post should be enough to tell you what to keep in mind and be understanding about when talking about/making judgements on Karl, and other people with ADHD.

#sorry if this is longwinded but I had a lot to say so [shrug]#karl jacobs #dsmp #dream smp #dreamwastaken #ghost.txt

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comfortmarvelimagines · 4 years

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You are Home, and Home is Safe

heyhey ! deciding to just get it over with and post this tonight (for those of you who don’t know what i’m talking about, a post explaining can be found here. side note, please be nice in my inbox, its been rough getting some of those comments). i am, however, going to continue to tag autistic!reader fics with #whenyoucantfindthequiet and #wycftq, so they’re easier to find. hope it’s what you’re after, nonnie, and i’m so so sorry it took so long !!

features : autistic!reader x mama!nat, lowkey asshole Tony Stark (it’s okay i didn’t make him really mean, just kinda well-meaning but misplaced/ mistimed)

warnings : uhhh i guess meltdowns, some self-injurious behaviour

Words are hard. Always have been, always will be.

You haven't always had a family. For years you were passed from foster home to foster home, with a consistent message: you were too much. Your needs were too high, your behaviour too confusing, your struggles too much to deal with. It got to a point where you began to question yourself, your diagnoses and trauma, wondering if it was all in your head or for attention like you were told over and over.

That changed when you met Nat.

It wasn’t immediate of course. There was the initial period of complete and total distrust, of another stranger whose life you were thrust into the middle of, floundering and drowning with no support. There was shutdown after shutdown. The trauma of being ignored and punished for meltdowns meant that you’d learned to internalise. You barely ate, and didn’t speak. But Nat met you where you were, unwaveringly. Was always calm, composed, voice level. Kept food out on the kitchen bench at all times, figuring out your safe foods and keeping them stocked. Realised you liked small enclosed spaces and stocked your bedroom with beanbags, pillows, stuffies and blankets, a permanent blanket fort taking up residence in the living space. Perhaps the most wonderful was her commitment to listening to you, with or without words. The superspy was quick to recognise your shutdown states from body language alone and responded quickly, with two option questions and the request to tap the hand of the answer you wanted.

You almost wanted to feel embarrassed, humiliated, of the accommodations she made so immediately. But she always spoke to you conversationally and never in an infantilizing tone, like so many before her, and the trust you held for her grew. It didn’t always grow in a way that you felt was positive, though. As weeks passed you felt your shutdowns turn into meltdowns and silence into frustrated screams. You didn’t want to hurt her. You didn’t want to feel ungrateful or angry or like any of this was on purpose but somehow she knew. As she held you close after each one she reminded you that your body was unlearning trauma, that you were safe, that you were loved so fully and unconditionally and nothing, including meltdowns, would change that. The way she held you felt like home.

But no one else was like Nat. Social workers were condescending, school was overwhelming, nowhere was safe. So you stuck to Nat. It wasn’t long after you were placed with her that she pulled you out of school, realising that they were doing more harm than good, and she was always there for homeschool. Not looking over your shoulder, but present. You could hear her humming through the walls, or swearing as she dropped a spoon into a pot of soup on the stove again, and it was comforting. It wasn’t the apartment that was home, per say, but having a parent made it feel like one. If she went to the grocery store or a walk in the park you came with, ear defenders on, clinging to her sleeve for safety. She told you that she loved you a million times a day, until one day you said it back.

Words came easier after that. Simple things, like asking what’s for breakfast, became routine. It wasn’t just Nat softly illuminating the cramped space with hummed melodies and occasionally vulgar language but you as well, asking for help with homework or explaining a meme. It felt normal, comfortable, okay. The outside world was too much, but inside your home, the anxiety all but melted from your throat.

You never wanted to leave safety. You wanted to feel it all the time. It was warm and sweet and heavy but in a calm way, like a weighted blanket sinking into your joints. It started as a one-time-thing, after a particularly rough meltdown, but you started sleeping in Nat’s bed. It just felt… right. The panic that set in when Nat left the room and you didn’t know where she was going or what she was doing or if she was ever going to come back was so all-consuming and nauseating that going to sleep alone, in another room, unable to hear her was torturous. What if she abandoned you, gone in the night, social worker beckoning you on to the next uncaring couple, crowded foster family or group home? This way, when you woke at 2am from a nightmare, the first thing you heard was her even breathing. Home. Safe.

***

Tony Stark was something else. Nat eventually started to transition back to work, and, as being homeschooled permitted, brought you with her. Even in classified meetings where you weren’t allowed in you sat in corridors and made sure you could see her red braid through the frosted glass, glancing up from your laptop every few seconds to make sure she didn’t disappear while you wrote your English critique. The rest of Nat’s colleagues (it felt too weird to just casually refer to them as the Avengers and co) didn’t mention your presence, at least in front of you; it was as if they didn’t know what to say or how to say it. Not that you’d say anything back. Outside of the safety of home it was like the anxiety disconnected your brain from your throat, anything you wanted to say cut off before it reached your tongue. It was frustrating. The first few days ended in meltdowns when you reached the apartment and it felt weird and strange and almost like you were two different people but an all-round embarrassment of a child. It was weeks before things settled into a routine and a pattern of acknowledged non-acknowledgement. A pattern Stark ignored.

You were sitting at the island bench in the communal kitchen, drinking chocolate milk and typing out an assignment, when you heard both Nat and Tony heading down the hall towards you. They’d just come out of a meeting, you sitting watch outside the whole time, and Nat had sent you to the kitchen to wait for her while she headed upstairs with Tony to drop off some paperwork to an intern. You hadn’t thought much of it. Sure, you didn’t like being away from Nat at all, but if she was clear in where she was going and how long she was going for (provided it was only a short period), you did okay. It was okay, until you heard the discussion from down the hall.

“Damn, Nat, is that the longest you’ve been away from the kid?”

“No.”

“C’mon, Nat. I know the kid’s been through some shit, but this isn’t healthy. For either of you. What happens if you can’t get out of the mission next time? They’re gonna have to be away from you at some point. You can’t be in this line of work with a barnacle of a kid.”

You’d heard enough. As the topic changed and they entered the kitchen, you didn’t look up from your laptop in greeting.

***

Too much. Too clingy. Too anxious, too needy, too autistic, too much. You needed separation. Give Nat space. Of course she needed to work. The world needed her, and they didn’t need you tagging along. When you got home that night, you headed straight to your room. Buried yourself in the mountain of blankets and stuffies and waited until Nat came to check on you, facing the wall, feigning sleep. You doubt you fooled the former spy but nonetheless, she left you be, a whispered “I love you” hanging in the air as she creaked the door close behind her.

It was seconds before you broke. It felt like choking. All of the fear that was slowly reduced to an ebbing tide through months of living in a caring environment crashed on you like the mother of all tsunamis, saltwater running down your cheeks and into your mouth as if smothering all the words you wished you could scream. It lasted for hours and hours and it was relentless, painful, as if your heart was being ripped out and an empty throbbing numbness was expanding in its place. You were too much. Too much. Too much.

Nat stood outside your door at the time when she’d usually be gently waking you up, watching you unfurl and stretch yourself out of the cocoon of blankets you slept in every night. She knew something was wrong from lunch yesterday, and your isolation from her was concerning. She figured you needed space, but the sleep she knew was an act sat at the back of her mind and bugged her all night long. Even with that nagging suspicion that something was up, nothing prepared her for the way her heart sank when she came in and saw your body curled up, eyes red and barely open from exhaustion, pillow and face damp from tears.

She was at your side in seconds. Your resolve to cut yourself off melted at the sight of her open arms, safe, warm, home. And immediately your body melted. Hands running through your hair, the promise that you were safe, loved, worthy of support, the request to “tell me next time, please, you don’t need to deal with this on your own.”

For some reason, those were the words that broke out the first sounding sob in the 12 hours of silent crying. It was so loud and gut-wrenching and it almost didn’t feel like it came from you at all and it was such a weird feeling, and all of a sudden you were scratching at your arms to try and re-embody yourself and Nat was breathing calmly and deeply and gently rubbing your shoulders until you found yourself easing back into your physicality.

“Did you hear what Stark said yesterday?”

And just like that she figured it out, of course she did, because she’s a trained spy and that’s her job, to put the pieces together and slot the narrative into place. And god, were you grateful, because you couldn’t see yourself stringing sentences together to accuse none other than Iron Man himself of triggering waves of hurt just by stating what you’d convinced yourself was the truth. She was quick to reassure. You are loved, you are wanted, you are always welcome and will always be her child and what you need will always come first. The warm safety settled itself in your belly and you let the tiredness wash over you, drifting on a life raft of whispered Russian lullabies and Nat’s hand rubbing circles on your back. At peace.

Of course, you’d never tell Nat, but hearing her whisper-yell at Tony over the phone for being an insensitive dick was possibly one of the best moments of your life.

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kirinda-ondo · 3 years

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You know him, you either love or hate him (or are moderately confused by my sudden dive into this hyperfixation); we're talking about Orko because I have a lot of feelings.

As a disclaimer, I am not gonna claim to be some kind of superfan. I am not aware of every single iteration of the lore and all of its secrets. I don't know anything about the DC comics. I'm only halfway through the 2002 series as of me writing this. I am not someone you want to have discussions on the wider Masters of the Universe.... universe with. However, after watching Revelation, the entire Filmation He-Man (and some of She-Ra, cause he was there too), and going on a deep dive of storybooks, annuals, and minicomics courtesy of He-Man.org and the lovely people who submitted their scans there, I do feel pretty qualified to at least talk about Orko.

So, with all that being said, I'd like to get into a little bit of backstory, if only for my followers who came to this blog for completely different things and are wondering where the hell my love for this funky little wizard dude came from all of a sudden. Truth is, Orko is actually one of my earliest faves! Mind you, I only had limited access to Masters of the Universe as a kid, only seeing a couple of rented VHS tapes and later getting my hands on a small pile of the Golden Books from Goodwill, but apparently it was enough for Orko to imprint himself into my brain. However, also due to my limited exposure, he kind of got shifted to the back of my head as I got deeper into other things. I still knew for a fact I liked Orko a lot though, even if I couldn't quite remember why anymore.

And then Masters of the Universe: Revelation dropped on Netflix. I'm not gonna get into my opinions of that show lest I open a flood of irrelevant discourse (for those uninitiated, it is a bit... divisive, to say the least). However my feelings on the matter did encourage me to go and watch the original and well, holy shit I love Orko more now than I could have ever comprehended as a kid. He is THE quintessential underappreciated comic relief character I tend to gravitate towards, and then some.

But before I get into that, let me back up a bit and explain. Orko is a Trollan, a race of magical little dudes that are basically floating sweaters with hats and covered up faces. Out of these Trollans, Orko is an incredibly fucking OP archmage. Like, they straight up call him Orko the Great, he's so powerful. But then, he gets caught in a freak storm that whisks him away from his home dimension and into Eternia. Immediately, he runs into a young Prince Adam, who is trapped in a swamp/tar pit and needs rescuing. Orko, being the upstanding lad that he is, uses his magic to save him but in the process loses the item that allows him to focus his magic to the swamp (in the 80s version, it's a medallion, but in the 2002 series, it's a wand). Worse yet, the magic (and dare I say the very laws of physics) in Eternia works pretty much the opposite as it does in Trolla, so he's been incredibly nerfed.

So basically, Orko is trapped in a topsy-turvy world away from friends and family, a world with magic he is fundamentally incompatible with. Ouch. He's not completely screwed, however, as he is rewarded by the king and queen for his heroism and appointed... the court jester. Double ouch. He surprisingly doesn't seem to mind though. He genuinely does enjoy entertaining people, even when his tricks only ever work like half the time because he's basically a Mac program trying to run on a Windows computer.

It's not all horrible though, as he does quite literally get adopted by the royal family and thus sort of become the entire palace's weird son/little brother (despite being older than many of them. He's very, very child-coded largely for the purposes of being a stand-in and example lesson to the actual children watching). But also, more importantly, he becomes one of the very select few to know that Adam and He-Man are one and the same.

But outside of secret-keeping, he is actually a pretty valuable ally to have against Skeletor and his dudes because even though his magic is kind of screwed up, when it does work, he's still one of the most powerful mages on Eternia. In various materials, he's created floods, a second winter, and hell, he can literally explode himself and still be perfectly fine. He's also really clever and can weasel his way out of a number of situations. In one episode, for instance, he manages to convince someone that he's He-Man and Adam is his "assistant" in order to free him from captivity so the day has a better chance of actually being saved. He's also got the ability to just be really frustrating and incomprehensible to the point that villains who capture him sometimes either don't want him or don't know what to do with him anymore, which is honestly really funny. In an episode of She-Ra, the villains tried to scan his brain but because the inner machinations of his mind are that much of an enigma, he got diagnosed a weirdo and broke the entire machine. Absolutely delightful.

However, there's a lot more to Orko than just comedy and bungled magic. He's actually surprisingly complex!

See, going into this, I expected Orko's whole situation be played entirely for laughs while the sadder implications of his existence go entirely unaddressed. Coming off the heels of characters like Cobalt and others I enjoy, I'm used to this sort of treatment by writers. But they actually don't do that. The depressing subtext is for once, actually TEXT, which was INCREDIBLY surprising to me. We actually get to see another side of him, a side that hates that he can't be taken seriously no matter what he does, a side that is well aware of all the trouble he causes and feels like a burden to those around him. He actually runs away on multiple occasions, fully believing that he's unloved and everyone would be better off without him, even if that couldn't be further from the truth (a point which the Sorceress hammers home with multiple straight up magical video presentations, and in the 2002 series, a literary adaptation, of why he is loved and important).

Underneath all the hyping himself up that he does, there's a lot of insecurity. He's someone who desperately wants to be loved and respected and feels that without funny magic tricks to entertain people, he has no inherent value (which is incredibly relatable if you are also known by people as The Funny One). At one point he agrees with the notion that he doesn't feel like much more than a pet, which is absolutely heartbreaking. Even when he gets the ability to go back and forth between Eternia and Trolla, his feelings of inadequacy now extend toward his family, worrying that his own uncle, the one who taught him everything he knows and greatly contributed to him being Orko the Great back home in the first place, wouldn't be proud of him. Being on Eternia highkey wrecked his shit, man.

However, even when given the opportunity to go back home for good, he always chooses to stay because he's loyal as hell. Even if he needs some reminders, he does know he's needed not just in the fight against evil, but just because his friends and newfound family genuinely love him. It's heartbreaking, but also incredibly wholesome. I did not even remotely expect a comic relief character like this to get this much depth and respect from the writers, especially not from the incredibly campy and cheaply animated 80s series. I am genuinely so unused to this.

But I think that's also what separates him a bit from his fellow Silly Kid Appeal Characters That Kids Fucking Hate ala Snarf Thundercats or Scrappy Doo. He not only makes a concerted effort to be an actually useful ally, but he's also in fact very self-aware of his status as one of these characters. He knows he screws up a lot but he actually tries to accept responsibility and fix it. It makes me wanna root for the lil dude. Now I understand if someone isn't a fan of the brand of humor he brings to the table, or feel like he's simply a distraction from the Cool Buff Dudes Fighting Each Other, but I hope you can see why he might also be a really appealing character to other people, both kids and adults alike. I mean, he was popular enough to be embedded into the canon despite originating from the cartoon and not the toyline for a reason, after all.

Orko is a fun, entertaining, but also complex, heartwarming, and relatable character. I know there is a faction of people that would disagree with me, but I don't think you need to change him all that much or make him a super serious character to be more appealing. He's already got a lot going on that a writer could easily work with. It all just depends on where you decide to focus. Take a lesson from the show and accept that he's fine just the way he is.

#kateh rambles #a defense of orko (aka 'i can't believe the subtext is actually TEXT this time')#i feel like there's more i could say but i can't get my thoughts organized let alone enough to have it flow with the rest of this #so there could be a part 2 at some point? maybe? i don't know #orkoposting

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ablednt · 4 years

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aren’t u that blog that constantly promotes self dx and bashes professional dx? like self dx is fine but it’s a last resort for people who can’t access prof dx.

I don't bash prof dx, first off. I fully understand and respect people who needed one for any reason.

However self diagnosis should never be treated like a backup for if you can't get a prof dx and here is why:

(Disclaimer: exact details vary by country making this not fully accurate in every country also I am not saying that treatment is bad or that therapists are inherently bad I am currently trying to seek therapy but any good therapist will treat you without a diagnosis if they are aware of the legal consequences of one)

You can and likely will lose your rights for your diagnoses. It's different by country but in the US if your diagnosed with things like DID, Autism, and probs a lot more you won't be allowed to go on HRT if you're trans. You may have your children taken away if you have any, you may be prevented from donating or receiving blood or organs, if you have abusive family members they may be able to put you under a conservatorship (what happened to Britney Spears) etc.

Literally the vast majority of psychologists do not study these disorders! Do you know what they do when they prof dx? THE SAME SHIT PPL WHO SELF DX DO. The dx process is exactly the same but with a professional dx you have someone who doesn't have that thing, who has no actual first hand experiences, listening to you talk about that thing and telling you whether or not they think you have it with literally no input from the community.

By saying every one has to try to be prof dxed before they're allowed to self dx you're saying that people of color should put up with blatant racism because there's so many documented biases.

Also the criteria that therapists use to diagnose is found in the dsm5, have you read it? I have, it says that autistic people cannot take care of themselves that they're prone to self harm bc of their autism and that they should have their needs ignored it uses all the labels that autistic people ask it doesn't. It says that even if an adult fits all the criteria of ADHD that if their parents arent available to say "yeah they sucked at school and were annoying" that you shouldn't diagnose them. The criteria for personality disorders, schizophrenia, and similar are all intentionally vague and/or exclusionary to one highly stereotyped set of symptoms. They literally admitted to trying to make the criteria for DID as specific and exclusive as possible because they wanted to remove it entirely because they believed people dxed with MPD before DID was coined did not deserve treatment.

The field of psychology started historically to abuse people, they were thrown into asylums and literally beaten and subjected to horrible conditions for any presumed mental illness. This actually has not changed very much at all, even in the last century a psychiatrist was caught physically abusing his patients and using the theory he made on DID to force them to keep coming to him for therapy. Psyche wards are notorious for mistreating patients there in every aspect and I've had psyche students tell me they believe that psychologists should have the right to physically harm patients. Children professionally dxed with autism are often physically harmed at school by their teachers, physical restraint is still used and it's killed multiple autistic students.

Children and teens in abusive homes have ableist parents often who may get violent or worsen the abuse or use a dx against them legally to trap them at home. Do you give them a pass for self dx? Except here's the thing you literally don't know who's being abused and who isn't and asking ppl that is really fucked up so you should be accepting all self dx to create a welcoming and safe space for them.

Physciatrists actually misdiagnose more than people mis-self-diagnose. Which isn't a reflection on the psychiatrist as much as the fact that people know their own experiences but they very often can't explain them. An example before I met someone who had OSDD1 and would explain it to me from first hand perspective no one would have ever suspected I had a dissociative disorder and was plural Because the only words I had for my experiences were "everything before a certain date literally wasn't me idk I'm just not the same person I was" "I'm a really good writer because I talk to characters in my head all day and they respond to things even when I'm not trying to think about them and they're real to me somehow idk lol" none of that sounds like DID but I was actually describing memory gaps from switches, internal communication and presence of fictives, etc. The best guest anyone had was depression and an overactive imagination. Self dxing is literally more accurate and accessible because people can look at the community and see the disorder explained from first hand experience.

Historically (but it's still happening in some cases) therapists would literally refuse treatment to anyone who talked to other people with their diagnosis. The case I'm thinking of is people with MPD (the dx that came before DID replaced it) would be refused therapy if they spoke to anyone else with MPD outside of therapy and even forbade them from going to support groups for survivors of incestual abuse because those groups advocated for the rights of people with MPD. To this day therapists often disrespect any and all ND/mentally ill communities because we happen to know our own literal lived experiences better than them.

Oh and prof dxes are often used against people legally so if anyone is in a minority group often targeted by police that potentially puts them in even more danger if they're arrested. Least we forget there's an entire field of study dedicated to criminalizing mental illness.

This isnt even half the reasons but I'm running out of spoons (I can source most of these things but I don't have the spoons so if anyone needs a source just ask)

I'm a firm believer that the need for prof dx not be pushed on everyone when it can have permanent and negative consequences and is no better than a self dx. If someone needs a diagnosis for access to medications, for financial support, or for any other legal reason then it very well may be worth the risk but they need to have the right to understand the consequences and make that decision. Imo it's professional dxes that should be not a last resort perse but it shouldn't even remotely be your first steps, your first steps are find the community and hear their actual lived experiences bc that will be so much clearer than anything a therapist who doesn't experience that thing can explain.

Also why do you care if people self dx? Why does their not having an Official Document saying they have their disorder bother you? I think it's deeply unsettling that you think everyone in the entire world needs YOUR approval to have something.

Jsyk the sentiment that self dx is lesser than prof dx is fostered by our capitalist nt society that's benefiting off of our abuse and systematic oppression so like you're literally helping us stay oppressed with this rhetoric.

If y'all really want to be progressive and anti-capitalist like most of this site does (and should) then that goes for disability justice too. Stop helping our own communities abuse and accept that not everyone has the luxury you apparently had to never be affected by your diagnosis ever.

#long post #outbox #negative #abuse tw #ableism tw #psychiatric ward tw #psych ward tw #police tw #ask to tag #self dx discussion #anyway if you think you personally approve who deserves a self dx then youre disgusting and need to figure something out for that power trip

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adhdmorelikeyaydhd · 4 years

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Hi. I feel like I'm kinda going crazy. I live in a country where ADHD isn't very well known, and the few people who do know about it consider it only a child thing (I'm 20).

I was a 'gifted child' and I've breezed through school really easily. I would never really study or do homework (luckily homework isn't really that important here) and I'd just read the material right before tests and I'd ace it, as I've always had a tendency to learn fairly fast as long as I had the motivation to (and the very immediate deadline was motivation enough).

Now I'm in uni and I'm struggling a lot. Uni isn't as easy as highschool and it requires constant studying that I'm just not able to do and never have been. I've tried in school before too but never managed to keep a consistent studying schedule and since I was doing fine either way I didn't really have any reason to keep trying.

I've been wondering if I have adhd, and looking into it online I've found that a lot of the symptoms reflect my own experience, and I've tried mentioning it to a therapist but they said that since I've historically had good grades it's highly unlikely I may have ADHD and dropped it before I could fully explain my symptoms and experiences, mostly blaming it on anxiety.

I don't doubt I have anxiety, to be honest, but I didn't always. How does that explain all these things I struggled with, and still do to this day', when I was a happy kid?

I know I have basically 0 chance to get a diagnosis, and I feel really guilty self diagnosing because what if I don't have it and appropriate terms and resources that aren't for me? But at the same time I will never know for sure...

I just wish someone would listen to me. Maybe I don't have it, but I just want people to listen and talk to me and explain why

Hi anon - I am really sorry you are in this situation all by yourself. My experience was somewhat similar to yours - I was the smart kid in primary school, high school was pretty doable, and I stumbled in university. And we are not the only ones! In fact, thought it’s somewhat common for people with ADHD to struggle in school, it is not an official symptom of ADHD! (You can find the list of official diagnostic criteria for an ADHD diagnosis here.) I’m sorry your therapist dismissed you when you wanted to talk about your experiences. Maybe you could bring up some of your experiences again without mentioning the word ADHD, so they won’t dismiss you as fast?

I don't doubt I have anxiety, to be honest, but I didn't always. How does that explain all these things I struggled with, and still do to this day', when I was a happy kid?

It’s not uncommon for those with ADHD to also have anxiety. It’s possible your anxiety developed because as you grew up you started to struggle more with focus & forgetting, but I am not an expert!!

I am not against self-diagnosing, especially not in your case!! I don’t know exactly what you mean by ‘resources’, but many resources, especially online resources, are accessible for everyone! You watching videos/reading articles/following blogs about ADHD does not harm those things in any way, right? If you find that ADHD describes you, and you find that a lot of ADHD advice works for you, please go ahead and consume any and all ADHD content you want! (And allow me to recommend How To ADHD to you, her videos are great!) (The only thing I would strongly advice you not to do is to take ADHD medication that hasn’t been prescribed to you, because it could be dangerous and illegal.)

I just wish someone would listen to me. Maybe I don't have it, but I just want people to listen and talk to me and explain why

Again, I’m really sorry you have to go through all of this alone. That must be really hard. If you ever want to vent, my DMs are always open. I wish you the best of luck with everything & I hope one day things will get a bit easier for you.

#ask #you are not stealing anyone's resources by following adhd advice bbi!!#i promise #adhdmorelikeyaydhdask

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adultingautistic · 4 years

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I'm self-diagnosed as autistic. First time I brought up the situation with some friends they most instantly dismissed me, saying I should look for a doctor because "it is nice that you identified with some things but autism is serious and you can only be sure with a doctor's diagnose". And, I don't know, I guess I felt invalidated. It's not like I've googled "autism", read the first page and said "eureka I'm autistic". Sorry to disturb you with this.

Oh, you are not disturbing me, not at all! I am happy to receive your ask, and I’m glad to be someone you can talk to about this <3

So here’s the thing with self-diagnosis: People outside of the autism community don’t understand autism, or how difficult it is to get a diagnosis, or how frequently autistics are mis-diagnosed or go un-diagnosed, or how ultimately pointless it is to get a diagnosis.

Autism isn’t the same as a mental illness, where a person was “normal” before and then “becomes” ill, and may not be sure what they “have”. Autism is a type of brain, which you were born with and have experienced all your life. This means that you know what kind of brain you have because you’re LIVING with it, daily, every day. You’ve always known you had a different kind of brain- and now you’ve simply discovered the name for that difference, and the name for it is autism.

But from an allistic perspective, they see autism more as an “illness” (which is why they keep trying to use person-first language). To them, it’s a thing you “have”, not a thing you are. So they’re using the same logic that one would use if they said “I think I have X ailment.” The reaction to that statement is “Well then go get diagnosed to find out.”

They don’t understand that it is literally harmless to “mis-diagnose” yourself as autistic, if that’s even a thing. There is no treatment for autism. There is only accommodation. So even if you’re not autistic at all and you’re somehow way off the mark, by saying you’re autistic all you’re doing is asking those around you to be more accommodating towards your needs, and more accepting towards your different-ness, which a good friend would want to do anyway.

Most allistics I’ve tried to come out to have given me resistance when I told them at first. But over time, I would say to them little things as they came up, “You know how I always do X?” and they’d say “Yes, you’re famous for that.” and then I’d say “Well, now I know why I do it. That’s a trait of autism.”

That’s a much smaller, simpler pill for them to swallow, because they already know you do X thing, and can’t argue with that part of it. Then even if they say “Well maybe you’re not autistic and you just do X.”, that argument starts to lose it’s water after the 10th, 15th, 20th trait of yours that you mention that matches up with autism (do this over time, now and then, not all at once).

And then, over time, they will also see you starting to accommodate yourself- and if they’re good friends, start to see how it makes you happier.

“Why are you picking the chips out of your cookies again, I thought you got over that?”

“I learned that I’m allowed to protect myself from the pain of eating chocolate chips, I don’t have to force myself to suffer anymore, because I know now why it hurts me to eat them.”

They may not understand at first, and they may never understand fully. But when they see you accommodating yourself, they will naturally start accepting those accommodations, and even start doing them on their own- and so, even if they never accept the words “you’re autistic”, they’ll still be giving you the treatment you need for it, which is accommodation.

Then before you know it, two years from now, your friends suddenly remember not to buy chocolate chip cookies when you visit, and it’s sweet and it’s loving, even if they never truly understand.

So, what I’m saying is, if these are good friends who you know they care about you, just keep trying. They won’t get it at first, and they may never get it 100%. But once they see how much thought you’ve put into this and how much it means to you, hopefully they’ll be more willing to listen.

#actuallyautistic #actually autistic #coming out #self diagnosis #diagnosis #ask

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obxdrewseph · 4 years

Text

Hard to Love - Rafe Cameron

Description: Pushing away people came easy to you. You pushed away your friends when they urged you to get out more and you pushed away your family when they urged you to eat more. You felt like a burden to everyone and you didn’t want that. You were hard to love with your harsh attitude and pickiness. Once Rafe Cameron, your new friend and classmate, tries to convince you to give him a chance, you wonder what it would mean to be a girlfriend-- someone who gives love and receives it... you wonder: are you even capable of being loved?

so this is sort of a continuation of High Maintenance, but also can be read as a standalone? I thought it would be interesting to explore the romantic relationship that didn’t get to develop in that fic ... so here ya go! :D

--------

Being your friend was hard, but being your boyfriend was much harder (not that you had one yet, just for future reference).

Being your friend was hard because you cancelled plans last minute because of chronic pain/aching or because you were going through a depressive episode that made you unable to socialize.

No one talks about the mental side of physical pain.

Trust me, you wouldn’t be nice either if you were hungry half of the day and in pain the other half.

You didn’t want your diet to define you, yet it was like you revolved your entire life around your meal times.

You pushed your friends away who wouldn’t do enough research on your condition. You obviously didn’t expect them to look up everything about it, but when they gave you food you couldn’t eat or asked you to go on hikes you couldn’t trek without feeling dizzy (or even fainting), you couldn’t help but distance yourself.

You didn’t want to share all your negativity with them; they didn’t deserve that.

You were used to being the rock of your group; not exactly the mom friend, but the happy, funny friend everyone went to for a laugh or to have fun. You weren’t the one with problems. You didn’t get to be that person.

You didn’t want to be that person.

“I’m a fucking idiot!” You shouted at no one in particular.

“We know!”

You glared at the girl standing in the hallway who happened to be your best friend and your house mate. You and 3 other girls decided to stay in apartment together for your freshman year and you never regretted your decision. You could never live in the dorms with people making noise all day and night.

You were already agitated all the time.

“Go away, Ames.”

The girl sighed.

“I made some rice krispies. Do you want some?”

Yes.

“No. I’m not hungry.”

That was a lie.

“Ok, well then why are you so upset today?”

You paused, wondering if you should confide in her. Despite you guys being best friends, you never truly felt like you could confide in anyone. It was a fucking miracle that you spilled so much to Rafe Cameron, a boy you never thought would become one of your best friends. You honestly thought he would leave you the second you got off that wooden bench, yet you two hang out all the time.

You decided to give her a lighthearted version of what you were feeling.

“I’m not it’s just... random question: am I high maintenance?” You asked finally.

The girl snorted.

“Yeah, everyone knows that.”

Your heart sank. You were starting to hate that joke. You knew you had a lot of dietary restrictions and people had to work around what you ate, and before you didn’t mind that, but now you hated when people did that for you.

You just wanted people to stop asking you out to eat or asking you to hang out. You just wanted people to leave you alone.

“Fuck you.” You said laughing, it was fake. But she didn’t need to know that.

“Whatever, is that all you wanted to ask?”

“Nope, I wanted to ask are you still having your bachorlette party next Saturday?”

“Yup, you better be there! No ditching me for whoever old lady author you wanted to see.”

You bristled at her harsh tone and flinched when she slammed your door shut so that you couldn’t argue with her.

You heard her soft footsteps fade away which allowed you to slip back into your negative feelings.

All you could think about is that if your best friend didn’t even want to deal with you or fully understand you, how could anyone else?

---------

“Hello~ Earth to y/n?”

A black line skitted across your face, snapping you out of your trance. You swatted at the pencil floating in front of your face with an angry look.

You were currently in the library, working hard on your essay that seemed like it would never end.

“What do you want?” You snapped.

You were in the middle of focusing your attention on a small dot at the back of the room. You did this to try to take your attention off of the discomfort in your stomach. You wouldn’t exactly call it pain, but it didn’t feel great.

The poor boy’s eyes drooped at your anger.

“Um, sorry you just were spacing out.”

“Well, don’t interrupt my space outs.”

“Got it.”

Why were you being so mean? You never were like this before you got diagnosed. You were so irritable all the time and felt anger build up in you faster than expected.

It wasn’t fair to the boy sitting across from you.

Rafe Cameron.

The boy was dedicated, you could give him that.

You didn’t expect much from the obviously Southern boy who sat next to you in a Shakespeare class. You felt like you were sitting on pins and needles until Rafe started talking to you; you didn’t know why you took a male-dominant class. You weren’t used to talking to guys so often, but you wanted to push yourself. Get out of your comfort zone you embraced so much in high school.

After he apologized for being a dick about eating standards, you easily started to fall for him a bit more.

But that didn’t matter.

His feelings wouldn’t last.

They never did.

“Um, are you okay?” Rafe finally said. You wanted to snap at him once again, but when you saw his concerned blue eyes, you lost your bite.

You forced a smile. “I’m fine, just a bit tired.” If you had a nickel for every time you gave that excuse, you’d be a billionaire.

“Oh, then we should finish here.”

“No!”

You said abruptly. He lifted a brow.

“No?”

When he saw your face turn a soft pink color, his eyes lit up and he softly bit his lip. He knew what he did to you.

“Um... no, it’s ok. I can still study. I’m ... I’m mostly just upset because I wanted to go to this book signing that’s like a week from now, but I have to go to my friend’s bachelorette party. I really love this author, but I won’t get to see her and she rarely goes on tour... But it’s fine, I’ll get over it and studying helps me keep my mind off things.” You shrugged.

Yes, your friends were getting married that young. You simultaneously loved and hated your friends. You seemed to always be dropping things you loved for them, but you knew they wouldn’t do the same for you.

Your friends were great to live with, harder to be friends with. Plus, two were avid bakers and another was an aspiring chef. You hated all of the temptations of their baked goods.

He laughed at your nerdy confession which rubbed you the wrong way. He stopped laughing when he saw your dark expression.

“Sorry, I was only laughing because I totally get that. There are some authors that just leave an impact on you and you would die to meet them. And plus, those parties are lame. All they do is drink and drink and drink, which you can’t do because it’s not on the low fodmap diet.”

Well, boy definitely did his research.

“Exactly! Finally, someone who understands.” You turned your head away so he wouldn’t see you blush-- it wasn’t because you were shy, but it always happened when you got excited about something.

He nodded and saw your head wobble. A sharp pain fluttered through your head. You probably needed to eat something.

“Are you... hungry?” The boy said hesitantly.

This got you in the mood to be mean again.

“No, I’ll tell you when I get hungry, Rafe.”

The bite in his words made him move away from you. You hated this. You wanted someone to comfort you, but you pushed everyone away.

Self-sabotage was your middle name.

--------

You felt a warm hand softly tap your shoulder.

“Library closes in less than 10 minutes.” Rafe whispered to you.

Shit, I fell asleep.

You lifted your head and saw the once full library empty out.

“Shit. I fell asleep.” You said your thoughts.

Rafe chuckled. God, you loved his laugh so much.

“Yeah, I know. You look cute when you sleep.”

You smiled, but can’t believe you fell asleep in public. You weren’t the type to let your guard down so easily. When did you get this tired? When did you become this weak?

You felt your stomach rumble silently, signaling your hunger.

“Um, do you wanna get out of here and get some food?”

You began to say no, but he stopped you.

“Ok, let me ask that once again, do you want to get out of here and I can cook you food?”

You felt anxiety build up in your chest. You never trusted other people to cook for you. You had this irrational fear that people would deliberately try to sabotage your meals, but truly people just didn’t know what you can and can’t eat.

“Uh... you know.”

“Yes, I know, strict diet. I’ll look it all up to be safe.”

You were going to say no, but you wanted this so badly. You just wanted to hang out with a really cute and nice guy without feeling abnormal. It was almost 11pm, but you weren’t going to pass up the chance to hang out with him.

“Ok, take me to your place.”

-------

His apartment was dark and organized. You tried not to laugh at the display of books on the ground... you definitely needed to get him a bookshelf.

“Do the books feel better on the ground or something?” You teased.

“Yup, they need their sleep too.”

He nudged you on the shoulder to let you know he was joking.

“Oh, and watch the hiking supplies. I went last weekend and haven’t had time to clean it up since I’m going on Sunday again.”

Hiking...

“You like to hike?”

The boy nodded, his face brightening. “Yup, I’m an outdoorsy kind of guy. Love hiking, going to the beach, sports, all that jazz.”

You nodded, not relating to any of that.

You looked around, but realized there were only two doors, and one leading to the bathroom.

“Oh, you live alone?”

You fiddled with the hem of your shirt nervously.

“Yeah... is that ok?” He asked softly.

Yes, yes, it’s more than ok.

“Of course! It’s just I don’t know many sophomores who live alone.”

What you meant to say is you didn’t know many sophomores who could afford to live alone. JJ always joked about Rafe being rich, but you weren’t aware of the extent of his wallet.

He chuckled. “Yeah well, it’s easier to focus on my studies this way. No distractions.”

You nodded. You would live alone if you could afford it.

“Got it. Perfect for the ladies too, right?” You winked.

Rafe choke on air. You enjoyed flustering the usually confident Mr. Cameron.

“God, um, I don’t know how to respond to that.”

You shrugged. “Can’t deny the facts.”

He gave you a gentle look. “Y/n, you’re the first girl I’ve had in here since my last girlfriend.” Your jaw dropped.

“Really? You haven’t had a single girl in here for... a month?”

“Unless you count my little sister, then yup.”

“How does a guy as hot as you not bring a single lady friend here for over a month?” He let out a strangled laugh.

“You think I’m hot?”

“I know you’re hot. And you know you’re hot.”

The pink blush that formed on his face made you want to run over and kiss his cheeks.

But friends didn’t do that.

“Well, I guess... I guess I’ve been waiting for the special girl to come along.”

He gave you a look you couldn’t quite decipher.

“Yes, I’m the most special girl in your life, right?” You teased, trying to be nonchalant about the tension in the room.

He just smiled at you.

“So! What are you cooking?” You said, changing the subject.

This distracted him. “Well, I have leftovers from yesterday... I have rice noodles with chicken broth--”

“Um, I can’t eat pre-made chicken broth.” You interrupted before he could get too excited. Thankfully, you hadn’t gotten your hopes up about eating much at his place. People could rarely accommodate to your needs.

“Oh don’t worry, I made the chicken stock last night with... a real chicken. So it’s not out of a box.” He opened his fridge and you saw a cooked chicken that was sitting there. “See?”

You paused and evaluated the situation.

“So... you made chicken pho?” You said blankly.

He blushed. “Yeah, yeah I did.”

You thought back to that night. That night when you confessed to him your deepest and insecurities.

You yelled at him about how you basically only ate Asian food exclusively.

“Did... Rafe... Ok, if I didn’t know any better, I would say that you expected me to come over today. Unless you just happened to have IBS friendly food.”

You were joking, well half-joking. You guys always met on Thursday nights to study, so he knew you would be hanging out then. You hated the excitement and fondness filling in your chest; it would be only a matter of time before you pushed him away. Or until he left. Whichever came first.

His face was red now. “Um, I may have anticipated it.”

Oh God, your heart was so full right now. You didn’t even want the food anymore, you just wanted him.

But he had put great effort into this. You had to eat it.

“Thank you.” You whispered.

He shrugged off your words. “It’s no biggie, I know I see you Thursdays and we always study pretty late.”

You set the table while he dipped the noodles in water to cook them. He made two bowls, one being larger than the other. He remembered that you rarely ate big meals.

As soon as he set your food down, you realized he had to watch you eat. And you had to make conversation while eating. You hated talking and eating.

And you got a lot of gas while you ate. Shit. This was a bad idea.

You pushed those thoughts aside and took a sip of the soup.

It was amazing.

“This is really good.”

He smiled widely. “Thanks, I tried my best.”

Thankfully, you didn’t have to talk much while you ate. The TV served as a good distraction to that. When you finished your bowl, you waited for the pain to hit you. You felt your stomach gurgle around and you clenched your fists to avoid the pain.

You had good and bad stomach days. Some days you could go the whole day without feeling any pain, but then you had days where you ate any food and felt a mild discomfort and had to lay in bed.

You felt a mild discomfort, but it faded quickly enough. Thank God, a good stomach day.

After you both finished eating, Drew put both the bowls in the sink. You tried to do the dishes, but he wouldn’t let you.

“Thanks for the meal again.” You said, anxious to leave.

It wasn’t eating that was the worst part of IBS, it was the anxiety afterwards. You were always nervous that your stomach would flare up hours after you eating, which it sometimes did if you ate something not IBS friendly.

“You’re always welcome here.”

You checked your phone. “Um, it’s getting late. I should go.” You turned to leave, but he caught your wrist softly.

“Wait, y/n.”

You stopped and turned to face him. He looked nervous as he was still holding your hand gently.

“Yeah?” You tried to say casually, but you were now extremely anxious for a reason besides food.

He let go of your wrist to brush his fingers through his hair. You loved his messy hair.

“Um, ok, well... ok I’m just gonna say it.”

“Say it then.” You said out of habit. He glared at you, but you knew he didn’t mean it.

“Fine, well, you’re... you’re really fun to hang out with. Do you want to... go out with me sometime?”

“We go out together all the time.” You said stupidly.

He let out a strangled laugh. “Yeah but... like ... as a date.”

Your heart stopped.

“A date.”

“Yes, a date, if you want.”

A date? What could you both possible do on a date? You hated eating at restaurants, you can’t go hiking or backpacking because who knew when your symptoms would pop in and you were stuck on a mountain with no bathrooms and nowhere to sit. Not to mention, you didn’t eat much so you got lightheaded easily. You weren’t compatible. You would just be a burden to him.

“y/n?” You almost forgot you were in the middle of a conversation.

You looked up at his pretty blue eyes that were full of hope. You couldn’t do this to him. You couldn’t hold him back like that.

“I... I’m sorry, Rafe... I can’t.” His face fell. “You’re an awesome guy, I swear to God you’re the best guy I’ve ever met. But... you just... we’re just... we’re just different.”

That was a cop out answer and you knew it.

“Different.” He echoed.

You nodded.

He paused, like he was wondering whether to keep talking to you or just kick you out. You wouldn’t blame him if he chose the latter.

He then laughed bitterly.

“That’s bullshit, y/n and you know it.”

His harsh answer stunned you.

“What are you talking about?” You bristled. Now you were irritated.

“Oh, c’mon, you know I like you, and I know you like me. You can’t ignore what we have.”

“We’re just friends, Rafe. Just friends.”

“But I want more.” He said sadly.

You were on the brink of tears too.

“I do too.” You blurt.

“Then why-”

“Because Rafe! You want to go out and do things. You want to treat your girlfriend like a princess-- you’ve said that to me before. And you just can’t do that for me because it’s not possible.

He scoffed. “What do you mean by that? You think you’re undeserving of love? Are you trying to say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’?” He was angry, and he had a right to be. You were running him in circles and you felt bad.

“That’s not it! I just--” You felt your legs becoming weak, you could never stand for too long, especially in a heated conversation like this.

“Y/n? Do you need to sit down?”

You nodded as he was already guiding you to his couch.

“Finish what you were saying earlier.” He said softly. God, you hated how kind he was to you even during an argument. You were trying to push him away!

“Right, well, I don’t think I’m undeserving of love, but it’s too hard to love me.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means, you don’t know how to love me! You can’t take me on dates-- I hate eating at restaurants which is a normal date, so you can cross that off your list of fancy dinners or whatever. I can’t go hiking because what if my stomach starts to hurt on the mountain? And you just fucking saw me getting woozy standing and talking for you too long while arguing. I’ll just be a burden to you.”

He grabbed my hands and forced me to look at him.

“Listen to me. You will never, ever, be a burden to me. Got that?”

His voice was low and pained, like it hurt him for you to think about yourself like that. You didn’t need his pity so you pulled away from his hands.

“You don’t deserve someone who can’t do all the things you love.”

“Relationships are all about compromise, y/n. I can do those things with my friends.”

You shook your head.

“Rafe, you’re a great guy. Too good if I might add. And I’m so picky about everything. When I’m mad at you one day and you want to make it up to me, you can’t buy me chocolates or ice cream or whatever. For anniversaries, you can’t just take me out to a fancy restaurant. There might be a day where you run out of tricks and you’ll realize how hard it is to love me.” You laughed bitterly.

“I can learn what makes you feel good. I can learn how to love you--”

“You can’t learn how to love me! I don’t even know how to love myself!” You shouted.

A deafening silence washed over the room.

I don’t even know how to love myself.

The honesty in your own answer made you cry.

How could anyone love you when didn’t even know how to love yourself? You didn’t even know how to make yourself happy. You didn’t know how to spoil yourself. You lived your life just to get by.

How sad.

“I’m sorry Rafe, I just can’t do this.”

This time, he just nodded.

He’d already given up.

----------

Around two weeks had gone by since Rafe asked you out and you embarrassed yourself. You had never been the type to be so negative or so insecure. You hated what you had become.

You hated how you felt some sort of relief when Rafe let you go. He grabbed you an uber and you went home.

You both were ignoring the obvious conversation that needed to happen, but it was better this way. You were back to being the chatty girl in his English class and he was back to being the guy who laughed at all of your jokes. Normal. Everything was back to normal.

“Sup, y/n, how’s it goin’?”

You tried not to look surprised as JJ Maybank said hi to you.

You two weren’t exactly friends, but you were friendly to one another. Yes, he could be a dick sometimes, but he was clueless about it.

“Oh hey, it’s going good so far. How about you?”

“He and his ‘girlfriend’ got into a fight yesterday and needs advice.” Pope blurted. You tried not to laugh at the bluntness of his friend.

JJ hit the boy. “Dude!”

“Hey, she was going to figure it out soon enough. You can’t shut up about it.” Their banter was always fun to watch.

“What are you guys talking about?” Rafe asked when he sat down.

“JJ got into a fight with his ‘girlfriend’”. You made sure to use the same air quotes like Pope.

“Yes, thank you for embarrassing me further.” You shrugged.

“It’s not like Rafe knows her.”

JJ sighed and adjusted his hat to hide his tired face.

You grew soft on the poor guy. “What kind of advice do you need, JJ?”

JJ looked at you with sad eyes, but hopped right into his story.

“Well, so this girl I’m into, she’s this big city girl. Grew up in Los Angeles, and you know me, I grew up in a small town in Alaska. We’re just so... different. She likes doing all this city girl stuff like going to the malls and just walking around a crowded town which is so different from me who didn’t even have a big mall where I was at and you could walk miles without running into another person.

“I just don’t know how to keep up with her all the time... and she’s rich so she has to go to these fancy events. She told me I had to dress up if I wanted to meet her parents.

“And she doesn’t like to be on the water ‘cause she gets seasick. And I practically lived on the water when I was in Alaska! What should I do?”

You paused, taking in his situation.

You heard Rafe scoff.

“Dude, it’s fucking obvious. Man the fuck up and buy better clothes and learn how to hold all of her shopping bags. Isn’t it obvious?”

JJ nodded, like this made sense.

You nudged Rafe harshly. “What are you talking about? JJ, you guys sound really different, you have to ask yourself: do I like how I have to change myself to be with her? Am I ok with that? Am I ok with sacrificing things I love to be with this girl?”

JJ nodded, soaking in your words.

“Relationships are about compromise.” You rolled your eyes at these familiar words. “If you really like her, you are going to be willing to change.”

“You shouldn’t have to change for someone else.”

“Everyone should change, it’s good for the soul. Staying static is boring.”

“Guys, guys,” JJ stopped you and Rafe.

“Ok, I get both points. But, I do really like her. I’ve been pining after her for a while now and... and I don’t know, I just want to win her heart over. She’s already starting to push me away because she also doesn’t want me to change who I am. But I’m willing to put in the extra effort.”

“See? Putting in extra effort to impress the girl he likes, that’s what you should do.” Rafe commented.

You grit your teeth.

“I agree, JJ, you should always try to be better in a relationship. If she’s pushing you away because of her own fears, that only means you need to work harder.” Pope noted.

“Or maybe she’s right, maybe you shouldn’t push people to make them feel like a burden to you. Maybe she just wants the best for you because she obviously knows you very well!”

“Maybe he wants to challenge himself because he wants her to feel safe and comfortable around him!” Rafe raised his voice.

“Maybe he just wants to do that because of his ego.” You said with an equally angry tone.

“Or maybe he wants to do that because he loves her!” Rafe slammed his hands on the desk and suddenly the room was silent.

“Um... are you guys good?” JJ whispered, his problems now forgotten.

--------

Because he loves her.

Loves her.

Love.

Was Rafe still talking about the hypothetical JJ in this situation or was he talking about himself?

Because you knew you were talking about yourself.

Was he doing the same?

You sprinted out of that classroom once your professor dismissed you.

“Y/n, wait.”

You paused outside the door. If you left, it would make you look mighty suspicious. If you stayed, then you could pretend everything was ok and that the “argument” you just had wasn’t about yourselves.

You decided to make a run for it.

Unfortunately, Rafe jumped in front of you before you could leave.

“Y/n, please. Talk to me.”

“What? There’s nothing to talk about. JJ can make his own decisions. What a handful of a girl, right?” You tried to step around him, but Rafe kept blocking you. “Move-”

“We need to talk and I have a class soon. Meet me at my apartment when your classes end, ok?”

You hesitated, but the desperation in his eyes made it hard for you to say no.

“Ok.”

-------

Rafe’s apartment wasn’t too far of a walk from campus, plus you took the bus for part of the way. You secretly ate a bowl of rice with beef and broccoli before going just in case he didn’t have any more pho left at his apartment.

You felt your heart beating out of control as you plucked up the courage to knock on his door.

“C’mon, you can do this.” You whispered to yourself. You raised your hand to knock, but the door flung open.

Rafe had been back for a while since he was a morning person and finished his classes before noon. You on the other hand, finished classes at 5pm. No hate in the game, this was college.

You took in his appearance and looked him up and down.

He was wearing gray sweatpants with a white tank top and a red flannel over it. He looked too good right now for being casual. Fuck.

You gulped. “Hey.”

He gave you a tight smile. “Hey.”

You both stood there awkwardly.

“Can I come in?”

“Oh shit, yeah, of course.”

As you stepped into the well-lit apartment, you noticed he was sweaty; it seemed like he just got done with working out. All you wanted to do was to take off that flannel and see what he was hiding underneath.

“Did you just come from the gym?” You asked nonchalantly.

He raised a brow at your random question, but nodded. “Yup.”

You both stood in silence for a hot minute, the tension filling the air. You noticed his eyes trailing down your body; you knew you wore tighter clothes up top to try and impress the boy. You didn’t think it would work... but it did.

“Oh fuck it.” You spat. His eyes grew confused at your sudden outburst, but when you took 3 large steps and grabbed his face, they widened.

“Can I kiss you?” You whispered.

“Please.”

And then you kissed him.

His lips were soft, but his hands were rough on your body. He pulled you close enough so that your chests touched, making you groan at the contact. He deepened the kiss, teasing you with his tongue.

“Rafe,” you chanted. You didn’t know what you were asking for, you just wanted him.

He smiled, moving to kiss you all over your face and your neck. He smoothly pulled you into his bedroom.

His bedroom was bare; only a bed sat in the middle and one desk to the side of it. You didn’t care, as long as there was a bed in there, that’s all that mattered.

Except you happened to miss a large box near the side of the bed that almost made you hit your head on the wooden floor.

“Oops.” Rafe caught you before you fell.

“Sorry, I forgot to move those.”

Before he could move them out of sight, you noticed something familiar looking.

“Wait... are these--?”

“Wait-”

You picked up the box before he could stop you. You grew confused staring down at the object inside of it.

“Are these... what I think they are?”

He ruffled his hair and nodded, trying to hide his red face. “Um, yeah. It’s... yeah.” He finished lamely.

You looked down and gently traced your fingers across the extravagant book covers. When you looked inside, they were all signed by your favorite author with a cute message. You felt tears well up in your eyes.

“You went to the book signing.” You said numbly.

He nodded hesitantly. He wasn’t sure how you would react. “I did...I wasn’t sure which book you liked from her so I got all 3.”

He played with the bottom of his flannel, anxiously waiting for your next move.

You set the books down and pulled him in by his shirt.

“Kiss me.”

He paused, but only for a moment before he stripped off his flannel.

Yes, finally.

He laughed. “You’ve been waiting for this to come off?” Shit, you said that out loud.

He wasted no time pressing his lips to yours. You clung onto his neck, not being able to get close enough to him. Kissing was great, it was fantastic even. But you wanted more. You gently lifted your hips to meet his, rocking back and forth experimentally.

He groaned at your movement. “Baby,” He whispered.

You thought you would hate that pet name.

You didn’t.

“Yes?” You teased, planting little kisses on his neck, his collarbone, right under his ear. When he didn’t answer, you tugged him back down to you by his hair.

You’re sure you had been making out for at least half an hour at this point when suddenly he lifted his head up.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

And you meant it.

-------

You woke up in the morning with the best sleep you’ve had in years. You immediately turned to your side and saw Rafe still fast asleep. You saw his bare chest move up and down, up and down. It was hypnotic.

You gently moved your fingers across his chest, soaking in the smoothness of it. The feeling of soft pleasure woke Rafe up. He smiled when he saw your mischievous look.

“Good morning, gorgeous. How’re ya feelin’?”

“Hmmm, alright.”

He gently kissed your shoulder blade. What a tease.

“Only alright?”

He tried to pull the blankets down to uncover your naked body, but it was the morning and you were still shy.

You laughed at his attempts to turn you on.

“Stop, Rafe, you horny ba-”

He then leaned in closely to you and whispered in your ear.

“If I knew getting you books would get me laid, I would’ve done it years ago.”

You laughed.

“You didn’t know me years ago!”

He gave you a crooked smile.

“Plus, my love language is receiving gifts, so you got lucky.”

He shrugged, but his eyes softened when he stared at you longer.

He pulled you down for another soft kiss. You wanted more, but he pulled away before it could get too racy.

“Told you I would learn how to love you.”

#outer banks #rafe cameron #obx #outer banks fanfiction #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron fanfiction #obx fanfiction #obx writing #drew starkey #drew starkey x reader #rafe cameron scenarios #this is the most dialogue ive written i think #this was the most challenging fic to write LMAO #hope u like it ! :D

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foxgloveinspace · 4 years

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Andrew Minyard is ADHD:

I said I would only really write this if people were interested, but I lied, lol. WAIT One person liked the og post while I was typing this, so there's interest and it’s justified! Lol.

Ok, I’ve seen other posts talking about this, but some of them used some things that I didn’t agree with, so I’m gonna do my own.

I wanna set the preface of, if you see Andrew as ADHD, awesome! If you don’t, that's great too! In reality, this is all speculation, and self projecting, and my desire for actually good representation of ADHD characters that are not stereotypical, so if you see Andrew as something different, that is completely and totally a-okay.

-ADHD has three types, inattentive (formally known as ADD), hyperactive (previously just ADHD) and combined type. Some people prefer calling it Executive Function Disorder (EFD), because Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder describes how it affects people around ADHDers, more than it affects ADHDers. For the sake of this, I’m going to refer to it as ADHD, because it’s more commonly known, and it’s what I call it for myself. I also acknowledge that according to the timeline, Andrew would probably be diagnosed with ADD (if he ever got diagnosed, that is, which I don’t know if he would or not). Please keep all this information in mind.

Things that would be explained if Andrew was ADHD:

Instead of reason’s I think Andrew is adhd in canon, I mostly have thing’s I think could be explained if he was:

-Why he ‘hates’ exy:

This is a big reason in my mind, he is very insistent he doesn’t like exy and I can explain why he actually doesn’t with him being ADHD.

He started playing in juvie, as something to do, it’s a good way to completely clear his mind and concentrate on something that he is actually good at, which is instant gratification, it's something ADHDer’s experience a lot. It’s one of the main reasons ADHDer’s love video games (if your curious there are videos on youtube explaining this. I am ADHD and this is already overwhelming enough for me than trying to explain this as well).

Andrew only tries at exy when he is in the goal, otherwise he couldn’t give less of a fuck about it. He doesn’t care about stats of other teams, or watching other peoples games, it’s only interesting to him when he’s in the goal or when other people make bets/dares with him; “can you shut down the goal?” “pick a number” playing while coming down from his meds for a long period of time, things like that. Making it interesting, keeping himself engaged with it, is a big thing for him. Again, instant gratification. And also an explanation for why outside of the court, when people try to talk to him about the sport, he doesn’t care, he ‘hates’ it. Cause he does. He hates talking about, that doesn’t interest him. It’s boring and not what gives his brain satisfaction within the sport itself.

-Spending habits (TW: Not sure how to tag this tbh, but Andrew being prepared to die? I’ll put it in double parentheses, just incase):

((While I am of the firm belief that the number one reason that Andrew bought the first car is cause he completely wasn't expecting to live through the crash and then had no idea what to do with that amount of money when he wasn't expecting to live)), ADHD would also explain why he buys such expensive stuff. Again, it's instant gratification. It's like trying to tell yourself to wait for something you really want as an award. What's the point when you can have it now? He goes out and buys the most expensive cars he can cause it scratches that itch in his brain.

- Subcategory to spending, Daredevil:

It could also have to do with going fast. Most 'daredevils' are actually ADHDers. Going fast and doing daring things triggers chemicals in our brains, same as hyperfixations and instant gratification. In fact, that could also be a reason for sparing with Renee as well.

-Zoning out:

Ask any ADHDer about maladaptive daydreaming, and dissociating. Andrew has been known in canon to lose himself in thought a lot, and stare out in space for extended periods of time. This is very common with ADHD, and while it’s a small thing, it’s something I think about quite a bit, and so I included it.

-Loud Music:

Another way to drown out your own thoughts is to listen to music, and a lot of ADHDers like loud music. Andrew likes loud music while driving fast. This is very ADHD to me.

-His major:

I think this is something else that can be explained with ADHD, as a hyperfixation. Its not something he wants to do with his life, but it's something his brain lets him concentrate on, and therefore, something to do with his time in college, something he doesn't necessarily want to do, and is doing it out of necessity.

-His memory:

Something about adhd is that it is almost always paired with a different thing. Autism and dyslexia are the two most common. So his perfect memory would be something else neurodivergent that could be paired with his ADHD.

-Attachment issues/RSD:

Andrew keeps everyone at arm's length, and while this can be a part of his past, it can also be combined with RSD, or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Which can mean any sort of negative attitude towards you can send you into a spiral. So Aaron not being understanding of their deal/promise and pushing him away would be devastating to him on a whole other level, one that feels right for how he acts in canon. But on the other hand he can't let go of Aaron because he is already attached to him.

Again with Nickey, he's someone that's been in his life for so long it would be devastating for him to just up and leave, especially to an eighteen year old. He would never tell him this, because of RSD, and if Nickey decided to leave despite that, it would have been very devastating to him and Nickey would have never been allowed back into his life, so that would be the number one reason for Andrew to get Nickey into college with him.

ADHDers are also very quick to get attached to people, something we see with Andrew is that once he has decided someone is 'his' he is unshakable in his loyalty.

I hate going into it, but that would be another reason for how he is with Cass, why he is so desperate to stay, despite what is happening in the back ground.

-Emotions:

I know Andrew has reasons for being emotionally distant, but when he feels emotions in canon, anger, he is quick to it, and feels it fully to the point he can't control it. It's very common in ADHD to have no control over how you react to your emotions unless you spend a lot of time doing it, like Andrew has.

-Long Weird Conversations:

The way he talks to Renee, and then Neil, where they jump around from subject to subject, with no discernable connection to the subjects. Like, that's stereotypical ADHD, but one that actually ADHDers relate to.

-Sensory things:

Things in canon that Andrew does/likes that scream sensory issues or stimming:

-Stimming:

Likes extreme foods (sweet and spicy things).

Has comfort objects (arm bands, while I know they were to hide his scars, I feel like the fact that they don't bug him even in extreme weather is a major factor in them being a weighted stim for him).

Smoking (I don't know how to describe how this is a stim for Andrew, but it is?).

-Sensory Issues (I know most of these have canon reasons, but I wanna say they could be heightened by ADHD, so keep that in mind):

Not eating around other people/eating in small bites. (Hating food textures is a common thing for ADHDer’s).

Being a light sleeper/taking forever to fall asleep. (Brain won't shut off/be quiet).

Wanting a routine but simultaneously hating it. (His love/hate relationship with exy. He never complains about getting up for practice, that Neil mentions, but is constantly hating how repetitive it is. Going to Eden's almost every Friday, where it's the same place but different every time without being too different.)

That's all that I can think of right now. I tried to not mention anything that happened while Andrew was on medication, so the whole 'keep my attention' doesn't really count in my opinion.

Thank you for reading, and maybe I might come back to this and add more someday, but for now it's finished.

In conclusion: Andrew being ADHD makes a lot of sense within canon.

#Andrew Minyard #tfc #aftg #adhd stuff #in this essay i will

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