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run2yamama · 5 years

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Chapter 26 - R2YM

As always, please take everything I say with a pinch of salt and be mindful of your own journey & what you need! Take the bits that work for you and don’t actively try to force yourself to follow EVERYTHING just because it sounds good and helpful. If you aren’t ready for certain aspects of healing yet then that is ok! A lot of us spent much of our childhood disassociating, in particular when it came down to patterns of behaviour we were subjected to and the trauma it inflicted. As a child, without practical intervention the best means of taking care of ourselves would have been detaching. I find the ‘blank’ areas of my memories to be really troubling, sometimes more so than the violent/outright terrifying memories. It’s like you are ALMOST able to recollect the gap in your memory, but not quite; you can perhaps remember the lead up or the aftermath. You know something awful happened because of them two other memories (either before or after) and it’s unsettling. It’s also the idea that I never had any control of that shit and now I don’t even have control of this memory/thought process? I feel like I am almost betraying myself. I just want to reassure you that if you also feel this way or any variation of these feelings – RELAX YOUR SHOULDERS AND BREATHE. It just isn’t true at all – there is no disservice to yourself here at all. Clinical depression on it’s own is notorious for memory impairment, this coupled up with childhood trauma makes for a hell of a mix. Give yourself a break because this is not easy to navigate at all. Remember what I said above about sometimes having the ‘before’ and ‘after’ memories of the part that is blank? Well the combination of depression and the disassociation due to childhood trauma can end up wiping those ones out too. So you’re just left with this uneasy and terrifying feeling that something vile and awful happened – to your core you KNOW it yet you cannot for the life of you recall the lead up or the aftermath. There may come a point where some of you are ready to try and work through this as part of your healing journey. I personally want to go the fuck off when it comes to battling all this shit – like I will keep going even if I die trying. I absolutely owe it to that little girl that was me and is still me. Therapy is of course the best advice I would give anyone, especially if you are taking the time to do your research and trying to find the right person to help you talk through your experiences. I will post some tips in finding a therapist, I know it’s quite different in the UK to other places so I will try to make it accessible as possible. ONLY if you are ready – perhaps try some of the things that I have actively been working on doing. I am stressing that I ONLY do this when I feel that I am in the right head space and in a positive place. Healing shouldn’t just happen when you are in the midst of hurting, it should also be when you are just ok or better yet – thriving. I guess that’s what I mean when I use the word ‘actively’ – I’m making a choice, time and place to work through some shit. One thing I do is write (not structured at all by the way, it could be sentences or just words) and I guess.. push myself to remember ANYTHING from around the time of the ‘blank’ area in my memory. This could be the age I was, what else was going on in life then, friends I had, activities I did – even the tiniest of things that may not seem like they mean a thing. Can I remember a month before that blank part? Two months? Three months? A week before? And any little details I write down. I essentially do the same thing, but verbally and record myself some voice notes if I need to verbalise this to make it more real. That is much harder for me personally, so again I have to be active with it. Whether or not you’re ready for the above, it’s okay; it’s more than okay. You are in control now, so whatever pace you decide to take this journey at is completely up to you. The difference with you being in control rather than someone else is – you can choose how you speak to yourself when it comes to exerting control. You have endured enough – there is no reason ever to speak to yourself without love and patience.

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run2yamama · 5 years

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Hey guys, sorry the video is up later than I said it would be!! I will have a new advice chapter up for you tonight, can’t believe it will be my 26th one? I get a lot of thank you’s for my content, but I just want to say thank you to all of you for also making this a safe space for me. I don’t feel so alone anymore and that’s more than I could have asked for years ago. This video is just discussing the basics of R2YM and the root of my all my advice. It might be helpful and more personal for some of you to actually hear me say the things I go on about - it definitely gives it more life. Also allows for you to see the advice actually in action and implemented and how that in turn helps me to heal. Feedback is always welcome, I was definitely nervous filming this so please bare with me! xxxx

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run2yamama · 5 years

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Having an absent-mum & starting your period

I’ve got a post coming up in a couple of hours based around this. I honestly wish I had somewhere to turn to or just some advice I could look up. I will also be providing tips, resources and general information for any young girls/women that are soon to be dealing with this alone!

Again, this is something I navigated by mimicking what friends did/what their mums advised them but no direct conversations. That moment of seeing I had started my first period and not feeling comfortable enough to go tell anyone for a while or not knowing what to do was just traumatising.

I feel like although I was surrounded by many women as I’ve already said, this is something that was almost forgotten about? It’s just so difficult to navigate for everyone involved because on one hand their focus was on giving me motherly love, but the practical bits were overlooked because I still went home at the end of the day.

What was your experience of starting your period and having an absent-mum? Did you have a similar experience and were you also in need of resources? Or maybe it was an area you were able to navigate quite well You can message me and be anonymous if you want, that’s never an issue but let’s talk about this. I always appreciate your insight.

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run2yamama · 5 years

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How many times have you been made to feel like this issue of having an absent-mother is just something you should get over already?

If you would rather be anonymous and answer this, that’s totally fine - feel free to message me! There have been outright shitty people I have come across who have said those exact words really, mainly family members funnily enough and also some ex friends who knew who to hit below the belt with their words. At the end of the day people take what hurts you the most and throw it at you when they are angry/upset or are just twats. Then there is also the subtle stuff. I think that there is a combination of paranoia from my part/as well as genuine impatience sometimes from their part; even from those that have known me from the very beginning of all of this shit. I mean, although it has been going on for my whole life - it wasn’t even until I just hit 20 that I realised there was anything to address/really talk about. It’s like, even those closest to you have seen it go on for so long that this is just an extension of that. Whether it is working towards healing or not and that’s when it is easy to get resentful. But again it is important to have empathy towards those where you don’t feel it is intentional, in the sense that - of course hearing about the same topic over and over is emotionally draining. I also have to realise that I am projecting a lot of my fears onto them and interpreting their words/behaviour to match - because I am paranoid of annoying people with it deep down. I mean, I’m fucking sick of it myself so you know. You need to continue to stay accountable for yourself though, that is so important. Figuring out healthy ways to communicate with those around you is vital, it isn’t your fault at all for not having a healthy template of that - it still doesn’t mean it’s not your responsibility though. It’s easy to project those fears you have on others, again - not your fault, but once you’re aware you can’t ignore it. You don’t deserve to do yourself a disservice like that. You absolutely deserve to be heard, you can work on your delivery and execution if you want when expressing your emotions to those around you but at the end of the day, those that want to be there will be. It is absolutely never okay to have the fact that you have an absent-mother used against you or for you to be made to feel like you should be over it already.

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run2yamama · 5 years

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If you had 3 questions for your absent-mum, what would they be?

I used to find it very difficult to stop these intrusive thoughts, especially when I was younger and I thought I was the problem (the same for many of you as well I’m sure) The questions used to lead me to the same answer - it has to be ME - because this isn’t what mum’s do..? These thoughts WILL come though. Healing will come from not hiding away from them because it is important to deal with this head on and feel what you need to feel. You absolutely don’t deserve to feel emotionally repressed as an adult when a lot of our childhoods were spent living like this. As I’ve got older, the questions in my head have been directed at her. The older I got the more I understood this wasn’t anything to do with me. The questions I had for her used to be really bitter, full of anger and full of hatred. Now I’m even older the questions have taken on a different undertone - they have empathy behind them. They aren’t black and white, they are complex and it’s not about blame. I understand she is at fault, please don’t get me wrong (as will be the case for you too and your absent-mums) It’s about changing my approach because ultimately the only one who is affected by these thoughts is me. I refuse to torture myself, I still need to think about it because that is healing, my approach to it definitely needed to shift though.

QUESTIONS FOR MY ABSENT-MUM - Did you ever struggle internally with how you were behaving towards me and not understanding what was actually going on with you? -Did you ever want to walk away sooner but stayed and let it get worse instead due to how society reacts to women who don’t ‘live up’ to maternal behaviour? -Did you try to tell anyone how bad the situation had got for you mentally and what it was resulting in for me? Or was it too frightening to voice for you? What are your questions? You can choose to message me and be anonymous if you prefer that. Let’s talk about it.

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run2yamama · 5 years

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R2YM - FIRST PERIOD ADVICE, TIPS & RESOURCES (PART 1)

Your first period can be scary and worrying , even traumatising if you begin at a much earlier age (some people start their periods early as age 8). but around 12 is the most common age. I know some of my friends really struggled WITH the support and guidance of their mum, so going through it without your mum is not easy by any means. Periods can last up to 5 days usually however there is a huge variation on this and this isn’t the rule at all. A period can be shorter than 5 days as well as more, everyone is different and you will get to know yours. When you first start you period, it isn’t just automatically regulated. You may not have one for a long time after or it could be quite random after your first one. This is ok and normal! It can take 2-3 years to regulate. They should then occur every 4-5 weeks, again not a rule and some get them less than this or more. I’m going to try my best to provide you with as much advice that I can from the beginning to end. This will include actual practical advice, because lord knows I really needed this; as well as emotional guidance. I’m here to tell you that it will be okay, you are going to be just fine and you absolutely got this. I’m sorry if you feel alone in this and I hope this can at the very least give you some guidance and reassurance. HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING YOUR FIRST PERIOD & ARE THERE ANY SIGNS?

Each and every body has it’s own schedule & there are many factors that can contribute to your body being ready/not ready to have it’s first period. These factors be diet, weight, stress and hereditary. I guess I would expect a mum to prepare her child in the way she knows best, ideally a combination of facts and reassurance. I guess this is what I want to emulate for you.

Knowing some signs you could potentially look out for as well as feeling prepared can make a huge difference for when you see that you have started your period.

Around 2 years after you begin to develop breasts, you could expect your first period. This is NOT by any means the rule, it’s just an indication and of course is not bang on the 2 year mark.

You may start to feel/see discharge in your underwear, it can be a mucus like fluid sometimes and can sometimes look dark brown or white (not always). This can also be an indicator and the discharge could start 6 months to 1 year before you get your first period. Once again though this is NOT a rule and you could get your period the day after, week after etc OR you might not go through this stage at all (this is the case for many, including myself).

Seeking medical advice is the best option IF you get to the 15/16 age mark and have still not started your period. It isn’t unheard of by any means for people to begin their periods closer to the 17/18 age mark however I would still advise getting yourself checked over.

DECIDING WHAT METHOD IS BEST FOR YOURSELF & STAYING PREPARED(SANITARY PADS/TOWELS, TAMPONS & MENSTRUAL CUPS)

This part is completely up to you! Sanitary towels are easier and relatively fuss free, especially for your first time because it doesn’t require much effort in terms of getting one on. For your first time you might not be comfortable with anything more invasive or ‘hands on’ in adjusting. You could opt for something organic as some tend to find that mainstream pads/tampons make their cramps/period flow worse due to chemicals being absorbed from them. It’s worth having a look around for something affordable and stocking up if that is something you’re thinking about. Regardless of the product you decide on you need to absolutely ALWAYS follow the rule of washing your hands before and after changing your pad/tampon/menstrual cup. I can’t stress this enough, I hope it doesn’t come across as patronising but you definitely don’t want any bacteria that lives on your skin/that you come in contact to entering your body via your vagina. Though this might be obvious to some, it won’t be to others especially if they haven’t had a nurturing mother-figure and there is no shame in that.

PROS OF SANITARY PADS/TOWELS – Easy to use -Fewer precautions to follow -Allows for natural vaginal cleaning -They can be worn overnight without worry (within reason) -Can be worn for just a light flow or spotting -You can wear one before your period is due to start so that you can avoid leaking/an accident -You can monitor your flow at regular intervals through the day, especially if you are new to periods. It’s definitely good to get to know and understand your flow/cycle -They are found in more stores globally than other products -There isn’t a specific risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome or TSS (will discuss below) like there is with tampons -If changed regularly and the right pad is used then you should be safe from leaks on the whole. Pads will have the ability to absorb different amounts of liquid so this is why also getting to know your flow is helpful. -You can get pads that are made from various materials, these can be re-used and has less of an environmental impact CONS OF SANITARY PADS/TOWELS -Unless you’re getting a pad that has the ‘diaper’ like feel to it, a regular/even thick pad is less likely to hold a really heavy/bad flow without you changing it often throughout the day –Also in relation to the above point, they can be uncomfortable/awkward with certain types of clothing (this is more for if you’re wearing a thicker pad) -There is the risk of it coming unstuck/gathering up in your underwear causing leaks -They do have a high environmental impact (disposable ones, not cotton) -More likely to experience odour, especially on a hot day, if working out or on a heavy flow and you’re not using the correct type of pad that day etc PROS OF TAMPONS –They are discreet due to them being inserted internally –They can prevent odour during use also due to being internal -More ideal for wearing during sports and activities like swimming -Can hold more liquid in one go than a pad can -Some say they can’t feel it at all if inserted correctly -You get a decent amount of them in a box (usually) CONS OF TAMPONS -Important precautions to follow as the consequences can be life threatening -Some people don’t find them easy to use, especially the first time -Tend to cost more than other menstrual products -Some people find that they still have to wear a pad if they have a tampon in, this can be down to flow, personal preference OR the wrong the tampon has the wrong type of absorbency -You can’t monitor your flow with as much ease if that’s something you would like to do/need to do -Said to make cramps/flow worse due to it being inserted internally & releasing the chemicals found in mainstream products directly -Unlike pads you can’t/shouldn’t really – insert a tampon as a preemptive option before you’re due on, wear one if you’re just having a really light flow/spotting or sleep with it in over night (definitely not this last one, some say all night is ok but for me personally it’s a no!) –Risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) if you do not use tampons with the correct precautions (will outline below) -You do need to change them more often than you would with pads as the precautions state. Tampons used to be ideal because you could just ‘leave them in and forget about it’ but we are now more educated on Toxic Shock Syndrome and that just isn’t advisable or safe –They aren’t available globally or easy to find globally -Choosing tampons with the correct absorbency is important, going for ‘super-absorbant’ in the hopes of having to change it less frequently isn’t advisable either and this is where cases of TSS can occur PROS OF MENSTRUAL CUPS These are small, flexible and rubber/silicone cups. It doesn’t absorb your flow, it instead catches it. You have to fold it tightly to insert it (much like a tampon). You may need to rotate it into the correct position but it should essentially spring open once inserted and rest against the walls of your vagina in order to catch the blood. To take it out you just need to pinch it at the base which you will be able to feel, this will release the seal in order for you to remove it. -Though you can get disposable ones, most people opt for a reusable one. This means that it is very eco-friendly and in the long run significantly cheaper. I’m not saying you should keep it for years and years (some articles say you can if you are on top of keeping it clean) but you can get a lot of use out of a menstrual cup. -You can leave it in for longer (for 6+ hours – within reason and if you really need to) and is safer overnight because of this -Once you are confident at inserting it correctly you shouldn’t need a back up pad due to the seal the cup creates against the vagina wall -Good for heavy flows/more reassuring as menstrual cups tend to hold 1 ounce of liquid at least -Menstrual blood does get an odour when exposed to air so this helps to lessen that significantly due to the blood being contained -Less chance of Toxic Shock Syndrome than a tampon as you aren’t having to constantly change it and risk the spread of bacteria internally -May ease the worry/anxiety that some people get due to tampons and TSS CONS OF MENSTRUAL CUPS –It can cause irritation internally/externally, you need to be sure you aren’t sensitive to the materials these cups are made of. Some people are sensitive and may experience irritation regardless of what they use however irritation is more likely to occur with a cup than it is a pad or tampon –You NEED to be on top of keeping it clean and sterile so this requires more effort –It probably isn’t going to be easy to find the right fit and size, especially if you’re new to this. Age, flow and for some of my older readers – if you’ve had a child – can also be a factor in what will fit comfortably. If you have a tilted or low cervix (you will know, it makes trying to insert something internally slightly more difficult until you understand your body) this could mean a bit of trial and error with the cup –Some people don’t struggle with getting it in, it’s the removal that they find messy. Sitting and squatting and using your pelvic floor muscles to push and assist you is the way to get it out. You need to pinch the base to break the seal, and tilt it back or you will spill blood –Not as easy to deal with in public places, you need to wash it out and you’re not going to do that in a public sink really. Some take bottles of water with them and then wipe it down, I personally don’t enjoy the thought of doing that at all –Again if you’re new to periods, you might not want to end up in a messy situation in a public bathroom if you do try to remove it. Really get comfortable with it –Some worry that the cup will interfere with their IUD (for my older readers – a contraception device that is internal) this isn’t a fact at all, but does worry some people

INFORMATION ON TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME (TSS) This section isn’t to scare anyone! It’s real life though. I feel that when you don’t have a mum you do miss out on HUGE chunks of information and parts of conversations that are being had around you. Even if you understand periods relatively well, this area often goes overlooked and it is so so important.

This condition is rare BUT it is 100% a life-threatening condition. It can affect men and children but it is associated with tampon users, it is much easier to spread bacteria internally because of obvious reasons. TSS can get bad very very quickly and therefore it can be fatal if not treated within time. People who are able to catch it in time and are treated do usually make a full recovery. It is important to know that TSS is not spread from person to person and you DON’T develop an immunity to it. If you get it once, you can still get it again. The bacteria that can cause TSS are Staphylococcus or Streptococcus, they actually do live on our skin and in our mouth and nose HOWEVER once they enter our body internally there is an issue. They begin to release toxins that damage tissue and essentially stop organs working. CAUSES THAT ARE RELATED TO TAMPONS –Leaving tampons in longer than the recommended time in general –Using ‘super-absorbent’ tampons, encouraging you to leave them in longer but these are widely associated with TSS –Some are not thorough enough when washing their hands in between having to change their tampon. If you are making direct contact with your vagina several times a day WITHOUT precaution then this is an issue –Inserting more than 1 tampon is not the correct thing to do at all. Knowingly doing this when you are having a heavy flow for example is not advisable. –Forgetting you have a tampon in and inserting a new one on top of it. This is a familiar story that we have heard about many times over the years. A young girl is admitted into hospital on the brink of death due to TSS and the doctor finds 2 or 3 old tampons inserted that she has forgotten about HOW TO PREVENT TSS –Only use tampons that have the correct absorbency for your flow, you don’t need to always go for the most aggressively absorbent tampon –Alternate between pads and tampons whilst on your period. Tampons do have their pros but using them for your whole cycle isn’t always necessary –Wash your hands thoroughly before and after inserting a tampon, like really scrub your hands down as best as you can. If you could see what was on your hands with the blind eye you would be horrified – even more so if you could see what you may spread to your vagina! –Change your tampon often, don’t get lazy with it due to them being discreet and convenient –Never insert more than one tampon at the same time –If you want to wear one overnight, make sure it’s a fresh one right before you go to bed. As soon as you wake up in the morning you need to change it as a priority –Do not forget to remove your tampon at the end of your period –If you have had TSS before it is a good idea to avoid tampons SYMPTOMS OF TSS – THESE START SUDDENLY AND GET WORSE RAPIDLY – IF AT THIS POINT YOU ARE WEARING A TAMPON YOU NEED TO REMOVE IT & INFORM A DOCTOR -A high temperature (fever) of 39C/102.2F or above –Flu like symptoms (headache, chills and muscle aches) –Feeling sick or actually being sick –A widespread rash that looks like sun-burn –Diarrhoea –Whites of the eyes, tip of the tongue and tongue turning a bright red –Dizziness and fainting –Confusion and drowsiness –Difficulties breathing properly TREATMENT FOR TSS – WITH TREATMENT MOST PEOPLE RECOVERY FULLY WITHIN DAYS AND LEAVE THE HOSPITAL IN WEEKS –You will need to be admitted into hospital, most people do end up in ICU –You may receive purified antibodies (via blood donations) to fight the infection –Oxygen to assist breathing –Fluids for dehydration and prevention of organ damage –Medication to control blood pressure –Dialysis if your kidneys fail –In some very serious cases, surgery is required to remove areas of dead tissue. In even more severe cases the area will require amputation Part 2 will include some tips and advice, not just from me but from women of different ages and background. Perspective is everything. The more you know the more prepared you can feel without your mum at this point in your life. It’s absolutely okay to need help in this area and there is no shame in saying nobody was there to teach you.

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run2yamama · 5 years

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Having your first period & having an absent-mother

My next post will include a variety of tips, resources, practical advice & emotional advice for getting through your first period when you don’t have a mum to turn to. It also isn’t easy reaching out to other women for advice, especially when you are young.

This post is also for all of you who are older now and managed to get by through mimicking others and basically just winging it. Essentially learning ‘the correct way’ to do things a bit later on in life. When I was writing this post and doing my research trying to gather some helpful websites, I have to say I was so disheartened.

Almost every post ended in something along the lines of “or alternatively, you can ask your mum!” What sort of shit is that? I just can’t get over how irresponsible that is, especially big named brands having ‘advice’ like that on their websites. I hope my post will provide an alternative to that for you.

#Run2YaMama #R2YM #advice #blog #support #guidance #discussion #sociology #absentmums #absentmothers #absentmoms #childhood #mothers #daughters #periods #firstperiod #letstalkaboutit #tips #resources

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run2yamama · 5 years

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Q&A Youtube video - ask me whatever you want about how I have navigated any aspect of having an absent-mother

My advice chapters are specific and they try to cover as many areas as I can (the emotions, patterns and unlearning behaviours, sex, periods - you name it) but I appreciate that there are people waiting for me to post a chapter that will validate their truth or cover a topic they can specifically relate to. I always am open to topic suggestions so again please always feel free to contact me! I would like to compile a variety of questions, so that in one sitting I can touch on topics that people can relate to readily in one go rather than waiting on my chapters! I think it might also be nicer for you to have some advice with more of a human and personal touch as this is of course a really sensitive topic. I will be able to speak in more depth ultimately. PLEASE message me your questions - all will remain anonymous for the video!

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run2yamama · 5 years

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Sometimes I’m in the middle of writing/editing a post and I just have to stop for a few minutes.

I realise what I’m doing actually doing (sat here writing about absent-mums and coping) and why I’m so determined to always talk about this and it just hurts. I also realise that I wouldn’t go back and change a thing because I don’t know if I would be this woman that I am now if I had my mum. That also hurts even though it is quite freeing.

#Run2YaMama #R2YM #advice #blog #support #guidance #discussion #absentmothers #absentmums #absentmoms

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run2yamama · 5 years

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What happened with the Cosmo UK article?

So before I post Chapter 24 which is going to have some insights from other ladies, I just wanted to touch on the article I wrote for Cosmo UK. I featured three women (myself a WOC, a Black woman and a White woman) and created a detailed feature based around some in depth interview style questions. When it came down to it, the editor indirectly was pushing for me to almost.. dull the truth. So I requested for the feature to be killed because this isn’t something that should be censored, especially as the article was due to be published on Mothers Day. The point of starting this blog was to allow everyone to speak their truth so I had to go with what felt right and I’m happy with that decision. Chapter 24 is going to draw on the insights from what would have been that article but I will of course be making it anonymous now. It will instead be from the perspective of just a WOC, a Black woman & a White woman as representation matters so much to me (WOC will be my point of view) There are similarities and differences that should be highlighted as this will also affect how having an absent-mother affected your ability to navigate life.

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run2yamama · 5 years

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New Advice Chapter!

Chapter 24 will be up tonight, this one will be giving an insight on some behaviours and feelings other women have that affect their lives due to their absent-mum.

It will be a case-study style chapter again, I hope this is ok! To read up until Chapter 23 - https://run2yamama.wordpress.com/

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run2yamama · 5 years

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Q&A update

Currently got a handful of questions in response to me doing a Q&A video, so thank you so much. Some questions are similar to others so I’m just trying to make sure I have a variety. Please message me anything you want me to cover in this video. It can be related to something I’ve covered in my Advice Chapters or something I haven’t yet discussed/given advice on. To look through my Advice Chapters - https://run2yamama.wordpress.com/

#Run2YaMama #R2YM #advice #blog #support #guidance #discussion #sociology #absentmothers #absentmums #absentmoms

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run2yamama · 5 years

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Chapter 24 - R2YM (Insight into having an absent-mum due to death)

It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I realised how affected I was by my absent-mother. I had no idea that the way I navigated my life had been shaped around this .

I’ve been speaking to two other women about their experiences and you know what’s sad yet comforting? Our experiences of growing up without our mum’s were so similar. We struggled with relationships, abandonment issues and ultimately lots of unanswered questions. The first one being, who was this woman who gave birth to me; who was she when she wasn’t my mother? This question alone has changed my stance on mothers in general; we need to humanise them.

Though we were all children when we lost our mothers, it’s very insightful to see all the similarities between us. It’s become very clear to me that it doesn’t matter whether you lost your mum to death or because she walked away, it shapes your journey of womanhood entirely. It feels as though you have survived the heartbreaking bit and now you have to spend your adulthood unlearning old patterns of thought.

Between myself and the two wonderful women who spoke to me in depth about their journey with an absent-mum, we decided it’s time to discuss this openly.

I have decided to split this up into three separate chapters as they are quite intense reads, this chapter features a White woman, the second one will feature a Black Woman and my point of view is sprinkled between both so you will have the perspective of a WOC too. I do understand how important representation is and how this may cause differences in our experiences with having an absent-mum however quite honestly, there just aren’t that many.

A WOMAN WHOSE MOTHER ISN’T IN HER MEMORY – Claira Hermet (35 years old, London & a presenter @bbcradiolondon)

Claira’s mum died of breast cancer when she was 9 years old, the memories that she has are vague and of course painful to recall, what she does remember is that before she lost her mum she felt safe and secure.

“I was devastated. It was like my world had ended. Nothing made any sense. I didn’t know who or what I was without my mum. I didn’t know she could die.”

Claira knew her mum was ill, but what does that really mean to a child if they don’t understand the risks and implications of it? For her there was no safety net between the transition of having a mum and suddenly not having one.

As I mentioned above, I struggle to recall pleasant memories with my mum and my strongest memories are traumatic; but thought this was a given as my mum was abusive. Claira’s strongest memory of her mother is unfortunately quite traumatic also and I think that’s very insightful, it says a lot about how children compartmentalise memories.

“Honestly my strongest memory of my mum is her sitting in the bath. She had had a single mastectomy and her chest on that side was an open wound caused by the cancer. She was losing her hair and asked me to cut it off.”

To this day she still feels the pain of unanswered questions she has due to the lack of memories and not being able to know who her mother was as a woman. What do you do when there is nobody left to tell you about her? Claira’s mum has little to no family left, she doesn’t know who her mum’s friends were.

“Was she funny? Who was her first boyfriend? What’s the craziest thing she’s ever done? What was her childhood like? What were her hopes for me? Would she be proud of me? It’s like I don’t know the person who brought me into this world, who is essentially half of me. I feel really disconnected from her. This hurts and even as I’m writing this it makes me cry.”

What I get from Claira is this very strong sense of empathy towards others, it’s almost as if she will go above and beyond for others due to the pain she has experienced. This is something that is also very true of me, it’s the tendency to want to help others even if it’s at my own detriment sometimes. However this empathy and need to help others is not something that Claira would ever want to change.

“I feel a deep need to help others. To ensure that they never have to feel the way that I have done. I see people’s pain and it really hurts. However this journey has taught me what is possible, how much we have the power to shape, grow and make incredible lives for ourselves regardless of circumstance.”

RELATIONSHIPS & WOMANHOOD

The desperation to be loved is something we all have in common. It’s been a constant battle of not trusting anyone but dying to feel wanted, needed and safe. I think this can be dangerous because there isn’t much regard for our safety/emotional boundaries – or at least this used to be the case before we recognised it.

I personally feel as though I missed out on all the love/hugs/affection and so this has definitely played a role in the choices I have made growing up. It’s as if you disregard your instincts because the need to feel loved overrides it completely. I mean, I feel as though I have faced the ultimate rejection; at a very early stage in life and so it only makes sense that I have had unlearning to do.

I’ve always felt different to other women, almost like I know something that they don’t; as though I’ve experienced this secret world that they haven’t. It’s only now that I’ve started to talk about it and actively seek out other women who have been through what I have, that I feel like I’m not alone anymore. I still find it hard to relate to other women, it’s almost as though the stereotypical ‘gentle’ nature of women makes me uncomfortable and awkward.

Giving myself time to grieve (my mum didn’t die but something in me definitely did) and face the uncomfortable truths has been life-changing. I’m finally in a healthy relationship, with boundaries on both ends that we respect and adhere to. I have never felt more secure and for the first time in my life I am not constantly waiting for someone to get up and abandon me.

CLAIRA’S EXPERIENCE

“I desperately wanted to be loved. I felt confused, like someone had hit be round the head and I had just never been able to make sense of thing ever again. I want to see a clear path or know what I should do but I just had no sense of direction or clue of what was possible. I felt broken, incomplete and insufficient.

My self hatred and confusion about my experience ended up with me seeking attention and affection from men. Sadly though I couldn’t communicate with them as I really struggled to talk. I was having sex with men but unable to express my needs, perhaps because I didn’t know what they were but also because my communication skills were massively under developed. I so badly wanted to no longer feel alone.

What is womanhood? I don’t know if I really know now. I always felt disconnected from women. I didn’t really know how to relate to adult women. I had to learn that. I always just felt less than, incomplete. These words and themes come up a lot for me when talking about the absence of my mother. I learnt only because my friends and I became adult women. Prior to that I really just thought I needed to be attractive to find love to feel ok. Which is really sad but that’s what I thought it was to be a woman. I always feel like an outsider. Even now. I feel like I’m not a real women or a real grown up. It’s something I have to continually work on. Comparing myself to people I know who grow up with a mum I would say I am less balanced.

I would not be this version of me if it was not for my experiences. I also lost my sister to breast cancer. After this it was discovered I have the BRCA1 gene mutation so I had a preventive double mastectomy. After everything I am now in a space where I have a very strong sense of self. This was discovered out of necessity. My life was such a mess mentally and emotionally for such a long time and because my experiences where extreme I knew I had to make changes. After my sisters death finding a sense of peace and love for myself became imperative. I knew that no matter how long it was going to take I had to find a way to be ok.

I have a strong understanding of the powers of self love, self belief and self confidence which I feel we all have a birth right to. My mum’s death and her absence have shaped me and my life. Accepting that this is my life, there is no if’s or but’s has allowed me to take responsibility for myself and my life and really start living it. “

ROLE MODELS AND SOCIETY

My dad was my main caregiver and he did his absolute best but let’s face it, the dads who stay behind and take care of their children aren’t discussed often either. What he did know how to do was cover my practical needs, for this I will forever be grateful but this meant that sometimes he was emotionally unavailable.

These discussions were not being had period. Not with us, not around us and definitely not in society as a whole; not in the same way absent-fathers were discussed. I’ve had conversations with my own dad about this recently and he expressed that he struggled in the same way because of the lack of discussion around this. He didn’t know where to turn to for advice, he didn’t know any other men immediately around him that could relate to this. This resulted in him not even recognising that he needed advice on this on the first place – in his eyes he was doing every he should and would be doing had my mum never treated me in this way/left me.

I was fortunate that my grandma was there during this transition; she was my source of love and support and this cushioned me as the rest of my world was crumbling. Although she died only a couple of years later, having her was vital to me as I was able to experience that maternal guidance first-hand.

Growing up I had a couple of close friends whose mothers did embrace me into their lives and I always felt welcome. I had one close friend growing up whose house I had dinner at every night for at least 3 years, I was never made to feel like a burden. It provided me with routine and again, without this I might have felt the loss of my mum even more deeply.

Being able to witness these healthy mother-daughter relationships pushed me into me realising just how much my own mum had wronged me and that was painful; to the point where I sometimes stayed away.

CLAIRA’S EXPERIENCE

“The day my mum died I think my whole family kind of died and was reborn because nothing was ever the same. Everything changed and everyone changed.

For my teenage and early 20’s I tried to cope alone because I truly felt I was alone. I missed out on the attention and affection my mum had once given me. I really didn’t know where I fitted it. I felt uncomfortable in myself, in my life and in the world. My ‘future’ or ‘what I could be’ was never even discussed or considered. I had very little guidance and so most stuff I had to workout for myself.

My Dad is a lovely man. I love him very much. He dealt with things in his own way which I know at the time he thought was best for us and him. It wasn’t. I didn’t have a role model. He did the best with what he knew at the time, as this wasn’t being spoken about; the consequence was that I didn’t get the support I actually needed but instead got the support he thought I needed.

I started my period on Christmas eve. I knew a little bit about them. I didn’t want to tell anyone so I used my pocket money to buy sanitary towels for a year or so before anyone notice. It was scary and every time something like that happened I was reminded of how much I wanted my mum back. It was always very emotional.

As far as role-models go, I just don’t think I’ve ever had that. I started reading books, trying therapy and doing all I could from the space I was in to achieve some kind of equilibrium. Everything else took a back bench because I started to realise that until I raised myself to a level playing field internally nothing else would have balance, nothing else would make me feel whole and nothing else would allow me to finally feel happiness. “

LET’S TALK ABOUT IT

It’s like we all power through life, not just because we have to but because we know we deserve to thrive; then Mothers Day comes around and we breakdown.

There are some fundamental and obvious problems that need addressing; it all starts with having open and honest conversations. We can be the women to each other that we have so been in need of. What’s clear is, the loss of our mums has shaped our lives and we owe it to ourselves to continue unlearning behaviour that only hurts us further.

I think after all 3 posts, I will do a final one to fully analyse what we have all had in common. I do think it’s important to remember that when we are talking about absent-mums, there are also young girls/women out there whose mothers left them without a say or choice in the matter due to death. Whether our mothers chose to leave or have died – we still had to navigate life without them and we have all been shaped by this.

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