#also me: why are u the dumbest bitch alive | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

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okay this chapter was *chefs kiss* I just wanna start by pointing out that never have I ever met a lot as bloody dumb as these stupid ass shadowhunters lol. not a single brain cell in sight fam

1. Gabriel being the love child of Jace and Magnus. while David = Jem+ Alec +Jace) wow. I can’t get over the beauty

2. Selena being shocked that Gabriel just accepted her ‘no’. you truly hit right in the feels of every single women on this earth I’m in pain-

3. GIGI IS A GODDAMN GENIUS. AND I LOVE LOVE ROMAN AND GIGI. THEY ARE SOLID OKAY. WE STAN.

4. WE HAVE A CURE. WE HAVE A CURE. ALEC U FUCKING DUMBASS GIGI HAS A CURE GO TELL HER YOU ARE SICK BB PLS.

5. I miss Rafael and David and (Anjali) and she’s not even dead (yet).

now coming to the dumbest family in the shadow world

- Magnus and Alec being exposed at the same time I’m WHEEZING Y’ALL. the absolute dumbassery of these men.

- How you managed to write what I thought would be the most angstiest scene into such a beautiful, cute, fluffy and bantering Malec scene is beyond me.

- Lbaf Malec is so so so so so soft I love them.

- “I did it due to the same reason I do most things. Because I love you Magnus” - FIND ME SOBBING ON THE FLOOR BRO

- Bro Max’s reaction had me so sad. More so than Magnus’s. I’m cri-

- When I tell you I thought max might accidentally kill alec istg

- Max almost killing himself to save Alec tho. bb no.

- “It was so cruel because his heart was his best part” Alec my god.

- I sense some dark magic whack shit happening between asmodeus and Max (?).

- JACE HERONDALE YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING MORON. YOU DO NOT STEAL A GRIEVING FAMILY’s BABY’S DEAD BODY YOU IDIOT. I AM ASTOUNDED BY THE SHEER DUMBASSERY OF THIS MAN I CANNOT- BUT I ALSO WHOLE HEARTEDLY SUPPORT CAUSE I TOO WOULD DO ANYTJING FOR RAFAEL AND THE LB FAM. and it’s about time that stupid mf Raziel did something.

Honourable mentions

- I wanna grow old with you and see Max finally getting arrested lmaooo

- How about you stay with Max and I go to edom and do the easy thing skeksks I cannot with them. Max gives me Dani vibes cause both of them are agents of chaos lmao

Max @ Alec: you can’t die. I won’t have anything else to live for

Magnus, who would very much still be alive @ world

Me reading your comments and reactions like:

Also lbaf readers seem to be stuck between "wtf why would you do that you dumb bitch" and "bestie I would also do that for lb family"

I am here for it.

#ily #lbaf

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ecoamerica · 2 months

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drwcn · 4 years

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Not to bring up the distasteful teenager memory of Twilight LMAO, but yall remember that part of the story where it is revealed after Rosalie turns into a vampire she goes and devours every single one of the men who r*ped her.

Fierce Corpse!Qin Su coming for Jin Guangshan’s life.

JIGGY was always looking for ways to make a fierce corpse wasn’t he? Well consider this.

Madam Qin confronts JGY, but it was already too late. Qin Su was already pregnant. JGY, being the dumbest smart person, realized he has fucked up, but what to do? It’s not like he can tell Madam Qin he knocked up his own sister accidentally. Unknowing of this, Madam Qin then went to Qin Su to tell her the truth. Surely even if that degenerate won’t stop this marriage, once Qin Su finds out they are related, she wouldn’t go through with it.

Well, little did Madam Qin expect, once Qin Su finds out, she’s so overcome with disgust she takes her own life (canon compliant, I think? idk what that episode was about to be honest. I always assumed Jiggy drugged her to keep her quiet, but Qin Su was the one to take her own life. Jin Rusong is at best a ball of cells at this stage and abortion is a staple trope of cdrama don’t @ me. I take no criticisms.)

Well shit, now Qin Su is half a step away from death. Jiggy discovers this first, and is like O.O oh feck, but also... opportunity???? He recruits evil gremlin extraordinaire Xue Yang, and beginner’s luck takes them to a successful resurrection.

*cue Mary Shelly shaking her head from beyond the grave or... in the future....technically.*

Qin Su is rightfully like wtf JGY, but Jiggy is like aight sis i know you’re mad, but hey now that everyone knows what’s the deal here, I think we have a common enemy: Jin Guangslut. Should we kill him or should we kill him?

Xue Yang: yo so .... you still gonna get married or what?

Qin Su: if you even think about getting married i swear to god -

JGY: ....okay, how about “fake” marry. Once dear old Dad is dead, we can...idk have an amicable separation. I can even set you up on a date with a guy I know in the fierce corpse community. His sister is still in my basement come to think of it -

QS: what

JGY: what

QS: you are a fucking nutjob, Jiggy, you know that? I can’t believe I was attracted to you.

JGY: first of all that’s hurtful, but... hey at least you didn’t insult my mother.

QS: why would i? our mothers are innocent. *deep sigh* okay fine, how should we kill JGS, I vote for castration. Also *points to the black veins on her paste-y complexion* this is gonna be a problem.

XY: *quirk an eye brow* realllly starting to see the family resemblance now. Don’t worry I got make up to cover that up. Also gotta find you some blush, so you don’t look so ... undead.

JGY “so we get prostitutes -”

QS “No. Jiggy, I’m sensing some internalized classism. Let’s just sic Xue Yang on him and be done with it.”

JGY “....you were less bossy before.”

QS “I was also less dead before. Also, Xue Yang doesn’t mind, do you dear?”

XY *eating the candied pastries QS got him* “Nah, not at all, jiejie. I can wear a dress and get dolled up if you want, but I want silk and the dress needs to be tailored. Bespoke. *points to his plate* These are great. Do you have more?”

JGY: *facepalm* what have done.

QS: created a fierce corpse you can’t control. Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it brother?

QS “I feel bad for Chifeng-zun. If I had to sit and watch you and Lan Xichen make eyes at each other over the guqin day in and day out....”

JGY “Oi, you’re not even my real wife.”

QS “Doesn’t mean I can’t nag you. Also, you have an issue, you know. You can’t just murder your way to the top.”

JGY “I wasn’t -”

QS “Save it. If you give Xue Yang enough candy, he’ll tell you anything.”

JGY “NMJ is a problem. He disrespects -”

QS “You think maybe the reason he thinks you’re a untrustworthy little shit is because you are...an untrustworthy little shit? Also he’s always violent and aggressive towards you...yeah ‘cause you’ve been playing Terrible Temper Tango on repeat for weeks.”

JGY “.....................” *well sis does have a point, maybe i should re-evaluate my strategy “Then what do you suggest I do?”

QS: I believe Xue Yang calls it “when it doubt, fuck it out.”

JGY: ...............................you two need to stop hanging out together.

Jin Guangyao and Qin Su spend many nights in the secret chamber plotting together. Apparently the Jin crazy can both be inherited and developed. Qin Su decides her second life is rather nice, and having power is nice too, but she’d rather have some friends.

*Jiggy and Qin Su’s Ten Step Plan to Un-Fuck the Cultivation World*

Aka Jiggy’s illegal but necessary emergency U-Turn.

Step 1: Start playing some nice music ffs, and maybe when NMJ is in a better mood, the venerated Triad can be the venerated Triad. ;)

Step 2: start treating MXY better. He could be useful as a loyal brother.

Step 3: Sic him on Nie Huaisang. They seem like they could do well together. Also, the easiest way to get through to NMJ is through his little brother.

Step 4: Make Jin Guangshan disappear.

Step 5: Speaking of little brothers, they’re gonna have to eventually deal with Lan Wangji. Even Qin Su’s 78 year old grandma with cataract can see he’s just a liiiiittle hung up on Wei Wuxian, who is unfortunately....dead.

”How do you suppose we fix this particular problem?”

”Isn’t there some cultivator prisoner found guilty punishable by death in your single minded cleansing of your political enemies?”

"Of course. Go on I’m listening, mei-mei.”

”So while you were off being shady, I did some research. There is a spell. I think a potential trade off could be made if we bargain right. Their soul, which was forfeit anyway, in exchange for a lifetime of protection and financial stability for their families.”

“>:) dear sister, where have you been all my life I’ll never know.”

Qin Sun, “Just make sure they’re not too hard on the eye. Lan Wangji doesn’t seem to be the shallow type but one never knows.”

Step 5: Jiang Wanyin needs an emotional laxative like... last year. Look into resurrecting Jiang Yanli. Once she’s alive, all that Yunmeng Bullshit will resolve, and you will also have a Lotus Pier forever grateful for Jin Guangyao and Qin Su’s kindness. If that doesn’t work...idk get Jiang Wanyin a dog.

“Okay, hooow are you going to get a woman to give up her soul to -”

“Can we fierce corpse her? Wei Wuxian had a bunch of undead ladies hanging around right?”

“........worth looking into.”

Step 6: Jin Zixuan. Yikes -

JGY “I didn’t kill Jin Zixuan. Wei Wuxian did.” (note: CQL washed WWX of any responsibility for the deaths of others by making it so that the Song of Turmoil caused him to lose control. This, in fact, is not what is written in book canon. WWX did lose control by himself without external influence. I can cherry pick the plot points I want to keep.)

QS “..........but you sent him to his death.”

JGY “..........”

QS *Deep sigh* “Who can we throw under the bus this time for Jin Zixuan’s death, Jigs? Someone that won’t be missed...got it. Su She.”

JGY “He’s loyal to me, he’s an ally -”

QS “Listen here, once you resurrect Jiang Yanli and Wei Wuxian, you will have the eternal gratitude of Yunmeng Jiang and Gusu Lan. Who gives a shit about Su Minshan that simpering turd.”

JGY: True. *he’s understood by now that he could get rid of those who would talk shit, belittle, and disrespect him...but he could always do more with a couple of important influential people who would spread words of his goodness. Stubborn righteous cultivators like the Jiangs, Nies and Lans.* “Also Jin Zixuan’ll be an undead, not able to inherit. We’re safe.”

QS: “Exactly.”

Xue Yang: eating candy......... *eye roll*

Step 7: Because Step 6 didn’t work out, forget about Jin Zixuan.

JGY: “you know... maybe Jin Zixuan moved on.”

QS: “Would explain why we couldn’t call his soul back the way we called back Jiang-gu’niang.” Qin Su glances back at Jiang Yanli’s soul-infused clay body in the process of being reanimated (lifted this idea straight from Inuyasha - ahem- kikyo.) “It’s probably better this way. I don’t like the thought of sharing the control of Lanling Jin with more people.”

JGY: “Ah, blood of my blood you are indeed.”

Step 8: Reveal Jin Guangshan’s evil deeds. Once they kill Dear Ol’ Dad, they can just blame EVERYTHING on him and have him be the disgrace of the entire cultivation world, and them the unfortunate children left to do his bidding and trying the best they could to salvage what they can from his trail of ruins.

Step 9: Reunite Wen Ning and Wen Qing. Lie. Blame it all on Jin Guangshan who is too dead to argue in his own defense. If Jiang Wanyin finds out about Wen Qing...well, information gets around.

JGY “So about that Date.”

Qin Su: “Yes I distinctively remember you promising me eligible young men of the Fierce Corpse Community.”

JGY: >:) I’m here to make good on my words.

Step 10: Reap the benefits of a world restored.

#Anonymous #corie replies #qin su #jin guangyao #xue yang #corie fics #cql ideas

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thinslxx · 3 years

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Tw suicide ig I'm not kidding if Ur triggered keep scrolling bestie

Hm. In the heat of the moment cuz I was getting ✨verbally abused✨ I kind of Uhhh told one of my friends I was suicidal....*am suicidal. Not that I'm gonna do anything it's just that at the end of the day I'm like well one day I'll kill myself so🤷 and I have a lot of suicidal thoughts and real Disturbung Google searches 😫. But I was like somewhere along the lines of "They don't realise their daughter is a suicidal bitch that already set a deadline once lmao" and my friend was shook and she tried to like comfort me and I WAS LIKE OH FUCK AND STARTED SAYING LIKE I WON'T DO ANYTHING DONT WORRY PLZ.

And the award for the dumbest bitch alive goes to me🤝

Also for context the deadline was/is ?? 25 years old aka I'll kill myself at that age. I'm 17 years old now. The reason why I set a deadline that far is cuz I'm still hoping it gets better so that I don't kill myself early and regret it lmao (also I wanna get skinniiii). I'm giving myself time to experience the world just a little longer ig and to see if I'll have anything to live for by that age. It's really funny cuz my therapist was like are u suicidal ? Meanwhile me with a wholesome deadline😃

#rant #anywyas #mental illness #innit #ed #eating disorders 😫

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youghvaudough · 4 years

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Rewatched Hannibal Recently...

... here are some random thoughts brain chips on the third season

watch out for a text wall it's a doozy down under

this rewatching I finally realized the first half of this season Hannibal was basically like “I’m touring Europe with Bedelia one last time before I check myself into jail so I can see my bf often”

Will must’ve been real good at arts and crafts. He made a whole ass butterfly?bee?dragonfly?firefly man display out of shattered wine bottles and garbage from a basement basically

Also how did he not cut his hands with the glass???? He had leather gloves sure but it’s not like those are cut resistant?????? Does he have cut-resistant leather gloves???????

In Hannibal Rising Chiyoh is Hanni’s aunt’s lady-in-waiting (?) and was described as being about his age; if we’re going by that, she’s the same age as him in the show, which, ughhhhhh, let’s just say really really plays into the idea of us Asians not raisining (not mad at all; Tao Okamoto is so beautiful im gay as HELL —)

Bedelia: you’re in love with Will Graham and also leave me alone plz can I stop finishing murders on your behalf now

Hannibal was remarkably off his killing game at the end of the second season (or just really on his planning game) like NO ONE except for poor Abigail is dead by the 3rd season

Thinking about the filming of some scenes is so funny like:

the crew carrying leather arm chairs and fancy glass side tables into the middle of some woods for a single shot

Bryan Fuller being like “ughhhh can I get a membrane-like sheet over this macro lens so I can film it bring sliced open like its will’s stomach skin”

“also I need three thousand gallons of fake blood for some cool reverse drip shots”

everyone: Will help us catch Hannibal you must hate him so much right???? Will: busy imagining alternate reality where he and Hannibal actually worked it out at the end of the 2nd season

Will: tries his damndest to ignore everyone telling him he and Hannibal are in love while being very much smitten

Mason: talks religious mumbo jumbo Alana after her bi awakening: *choke stare

the only saving grace for Jack Crawford is how much he’s the “I love my wife” trope

Frederic: ...why does no one wanna help me with Hannibal hunting when I go a-knocking but when Will does it everyone’s with him????????? What’d I do

No one: Bryan Fuller: I NEED SOME SNAIL FUCKING SHOTS HERE

Bedelia: i feel like I’m your diet Will Graham Hannibal: what? no *continues to talk about how special Will Graham is and how no one will be his equal basically

WOAH question on Chiyoh so did Hannibal ~literally~ taxidermy her in time with some cannibal magic & that’s why she looks about, I don’t know, in her twenties still ?????? /s

Bryan Fuller: NOW I NEED TO OPEN AN OLD PAYPHONE FOR AN INTERIOR SHOT

Chiyoh: he’s good looking but dumb about Hannibal so

I’ll kiss him

then push him off the train

(hopefully dude’ll be warned but also finally learn how to gay)

Bryan Fuller: ARE YOU MISSING SOME SLOW MOTION SHOTS OF HUGH DANCY FLIPPING OF THE TRAIN IN YOUR LIFE? ALWAYS

how did Mason and Pazzi achieve high resolution uninterrupted overseas video chat with the front camera of Apple laptops????? the power of wealth????? whenever I call my mom my phone turns into a potato pretty much

the jack v hannibal fight was the ultimate “I luh my dead wife” man v “I just need to stay alive and go meet my boyfriend” man fight

Bedelia: I know what your goodbye is; I know what you wanna do to Will and you’re in love with the dude. No thanks I’ll yeet myself outta here

“waving your uterus around like a weapon” how iconic

Dolce will forever go down in cinematic history there I said it. Nothing tops the mirroring scars, the downright sensual romantic dialogue in front of a fucking Botticelli, this 水乳交融 of two minds (can’t find a good enough translation other than maybe “melding”), one of the weirdest most kaleidoscope-forward lesbian sex scene of all times, a lot of overlapping orgasm faces, reflexive hugs and pats of comfort, weirdly timed lip-lickings, etc etc

At least Mason recognizes how good looking Will’s is lmao even with all the burnt penis talk on the table

“He’s looking very dry a little moisturizer please” Mason your gay is showing

“It’s dangerous getting exactly what you want” yeah we got this season of Hannibal and then no more of it I’d say you’re right on the money Dr. Lecter

Alana and Margot helping Hannibal and Will: LGBT solidarity at its finest

dumbest thing mason did was probably pissing off Margot

So basically Chiyoh is made of a stable metal element between iron and silver that’s why she doesn’t age?????? /s

maybe “I found you in my mind palace” can be our “always”

I remember the first time I watched Digestivo and I was so worried Hannibal’s gonna finish eating Will or take off or continue into the book silence of the lamb arc or something after Will basically went “I won’t go looking for you at all bye bitch where my dogs at” so imagine my fucking delight ecstasy when Hannibal threw himself at the FBI just so Will can always find him. I cried buckets and became a devout Bryan Fuller STAN that day

Chiyoh: fuck this shit im out; don’t wanna protect this idiot boy with luv no mo

Molly: weirdly familiar sharp features, sand-blond hair, husky sultry deeper voice hmmmmmmmmm guess WHAT

...but she actually likes doggos so

Bryan Fuller: HUGH DANCY. COVERED IN BLOOD. NAKED. UNDER THE MOONLIGHT. NOW

Will gives Bedelia SO MUCH SHIT about using Hannibal as a means to fame that he almost forgets how possessive protective of Hanni this makes him look

Bedelia: calm yo ass do you know how many “Will is special you’ll never be him” talks I’ve been in with Hannibal as the main lecturer?????

Bedelia: did you go visit him Will: ...yeah Bedelia: whelp fuck my leg is about good as steak any day now

An odd detail I remember about this Will/Bedelia interaction was Bryan Fuller saying in some interview (probably) that this is basically wife confronting mistress; you know who’s which

when Reba was touching the tiger that vet guy must’ve stayed in the room right??? for safety and stuff??? guy must’ve had the weirdest time just seeing Francis freak the fuck out watching Reba

also Reba deserves all the nice things in the world; Francis though an overall shitty person can recognize beauty

...wait i take it back dude said Will was ugly (ok he said “not very handsome” but) like bitch where

for a series with pretty good sfx that teeth scene in 310 was fake as f---

will and bedelia taking shots at each other verbally cracks me tf up like is this the psychology people’s version of “you suck” “uno reverse”

i have to keep reminding myself that this is a crime show that actually aired on national tv bc these dialogues mama??? downright telenovela. Bryan Fuller has a point when he described them as wife and mistress

Bedelia: I would’ve preferred to be bluebeard’s last wife Will: challenge accepted

i cannot stress this enough REBA DESERVES BETTER she seems like the nicest, most well-meaning person ever and deserves to be cherished like so

it's so strange, getting everything that you want; take Will’s slow-burn-esque realization of Hannibal’s twisted affections for example

Bryan Fuller: NOW GIVE ME A CLOSE UP OF ICE SUCKING

So basically Hannibal’s attitude is “if I can’t be a constant fixture in his life I’ll be on his mind”

Hannibal is always a sucker for some good will ehhhh

Hannibal, in a police vehicle: get in Will we’re going cliff-diving dragon hunting; no but the actual line is just as cheesy geez hanni u smooth man-eater

The Bloom-Vergers look straight out of some gothic family catalog (if those exist)

like i will spare y’all the contrived complements of the Wrath of the Lamb bc like fucking hells mate there's no straight explanation for this finale

that’s it thanks for reading mates hannigram forever also someday some wealthy person will revive this I'm sure and we’ll rejoice then

#hannibal #nbc hannibal #hannigram #will graham #chiyoh #brain chips #im sorry but also not #hannibal s3 #i really appreciate Bryan Fuller if you cant tell #thank you for your service mr fuller #me rambling #bedelia du maurier #jack crawford #reba mcclane #bryan fuller

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lovelyirony · 6 years

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I Look Better Than You (”No You Don’t!”)

this is for u @socketwrenching mainly bc i like writing and i felt like making someone laugh

Let the record show: Rhodey and Tony were friends. They were. Hugged and everything. Had pet names.

However.

Like most best friends, there were fights. Not serious ones. Mainly just ridiculous ones. Like Tony’s clothes of choice.

“Tony, we’re going to a government meeting. You can’t wear the floral suit.”

“I’m sorry that I look better than every person there honey bear, but this is me.”

“Tony.”

“Jim.”

“Don’t call me Jim.”

“Then don’t limit my sense of fashion. I’m wearing it.”

“Tony, I’m not saying you don’t look great--”

“I should hope not, you’d be lying. That’s a federal offense for a military man.”

“Tony oh my god just shut up--”

there are more fights. Tony does end up wearing the floral suit. But it’s not just Tony’s sense of style.

“Rhodey. We’re going for Italian. Not a polo shirt.”

“It’s fine, Tones. Polo shirts are fine.”

“You don’t have more than three kids, a polo shirt is unacceptable.”

“Tony??? I’m going to say this once: eat my ass.”

“Go fuck yourself, change out of the polo.”

Rhodey does wear the polo. Tony makes fun of him on Instagram and Rhodey feels so betrayed. His outfits, out in the open like this. He’ll upstage Tony.

Tony is invited to a movie premiere. He’s wearing a dark red suit, sharp as hell. Rhodey personally approved it.

Mainly because he knew his was better. Gold embroidery covering it, making Rhodey looking the picture of decadence and Hollywood-glamour.

“You absolute bitch.”

“I’ve always looked better than you Tony.”

“Oh my god.”

They laugh afterwards after they get home, leaning on each other. “The suit does look good,” Tony admits. “I’m still mad that you personally chose my suit.”

“Oh please, I did such a good job on that. You would never have chosen it because you have no sense of what fashion is.”

“I’m sorry that I can’t wear your Disney sweatshirt that still has stains from that time you made broccoli cheddar soup in 1997. I guess we can’t all model for Vogue.”

“Damn right you can’t.” Tony snorts, rolling off the couch to go get some mango juice.

“Want anything, darling of my life?”

“You still got that peach soda?”

“Yeah, Peter left it after he crashed during homework.”

“Why can’t you teach that kid how to have a sleep schedule?”

“Because I’ve never had one and neither have you. We’re real men, we don’t need sleep.”

Rhodey laughs, taking a sip of his peach drink.

The next time they have a fight, it’s because of Tony doing some Dumb Shit. Basically, it’s just wrecking his sleep schedule, forgetting to eat lunch and nearly falling over while Rhodey is walking with him to go get some lunch, and also saying that “haha-yeah-i-had-a-breakdown-over-the-rogue-avengers-returning-state-side-but-nbd-lmao.”

Tony was ultimately screwed.

“I cannot believe you didn’t tell me.”

“I can’t believe you think I would, I didn’t tell you when I had pneumonia.”

“You are the dumbest person alive, oh my goodness I cannot believe--”

“Yes you can. Let’s go get lunch.”

“We’ll get lunch at home.”

“I wanted to get a burger.”

“You should’ve thought of that before you fucked your food schedule to hell.”

“Alright, dad.”

“If you ever call me that again I’m ending you.” Tony snorts, pushing the door to his house open. They go inside, still arguing.

“Rhodey, it’s not like I haven’t done worse.”

“Yeah you have, but you shouldn’t, because you’re already a handful--”

“Then thanks for having two hands if I’m only a handful.”

“So not the point and you know it--”

“Of course I know it.” They stop. Rhodey looks his friend in the eye. “Rhodey. I’m fine. Just a little skittish.”

“Your units of measurement need work.”

“Of course they do, you helped with them.”

“Tony oh my god you know what--”

#RHODEY AND TONY ARE THE SASSIEST SHITS OKAY #they are #they snark and talk and wear things better than the other #they spill tea #they're also the best of friends #this could be taken as a ship i suppose #rhodey #tony stark #iron man #they're so good #i love them

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